#good evening i gamed myself out today. said i wasnt gonna write but have set up my new lamp for xmas and omg .....

[dangaer]

(my head in my hands) lucifercore ...

[moonlightdreamzz]

My First And Last — Huang Renjun

Renjun has a confession to make.

Request: Hiiii =3. How are you, i was wondering if i could get a renjun x woc fluff fic when he confesses to y/n at highschool in front of the dreamies. tsym i love your writing!.☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

“Renjun, what’s the answer to number five?”

He always hated this class, but today especially was he extremely irritated with it. This weekend had been quite eventful—him spending the whole duration with his boys, and while everything was perfect at first, Sunday night was quite interesting.

It was no secret that Huang Renjun was in love with you. Well, at least to Mark, Chenle, Jisung, Haechan, Jeno, and Jaemin. If a stranger asked he would quickly deny the accusation, claiming the two of you as close friends only, but even they saw through it. The little red tint that would appear on his ears was a telling to the cap he expressed.

Last night, there was an intense game of truth or dare taking place. They all would admit that it was quite childish to be playing such a game as seniors in high school, but they also rarely cared about what others thought. They were bored and waiting on their pizza—what was a better choice?

“Truth or dare, Renjun?”

Chenle was eyeing him closely as his eyes lowered like the evil boy he could be towards his older friend.

“Nah, he doesn’t get a choice. He’s been forcing us to pick dare this whole time.” Mark interrupts, putting the truth cards behind his back. The boys and your girls had made these cards awhile back, wanting to make sure you always had something to do if you got trapped in Renjun’s home during a stormy night or something of that nature. Your hand writing was prominent on the index cards, and he really just wanted to hold a card in his hand. It sounded extremely creepy, but he had missed you. It had been a while since you were able to hang out with him.

“Fine. Dare.” Renjun sighs, covering his eyes. He doesn’t even want to think about the crazy shit one of them was going to ask him to do. Prank call one of his ex’s—politely of course, make him run down the street in a little too much skin showing especially in the freezing cold weather that covered this side of the world this season.

“Hm.” Jeno sighed, his mangled black hair giving him a boyish look as his hand fell on his chin. “Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?”

No. Why didn’t he predict this? Maybe because he didn’t want to believe his brothers would betray him in such a way.

“Please...” he trails, but the grins on their faces showed there was no going back. It had already been determined.

“You have to tell Y/N you like her.” They all say in unison, laughing loudly as this was all too funny for them.

“I will literally do anything else. Anything.”

Renjun is picturing it now. Him telling you, and your face going from a concerned eye from him saying he needed to talk to you, to a disgruntled look after his confession. Your plump lips that he wanted to kiss so badly would go into your pearly whites, but not in a good way, even though it would look good regardless. You’d feel bad for him—taking a step back and removing your hands off of his shoulder.

“I don’t feel the same, Renjun.”

He didn’t need to actually go through with the plan because he had tried it so many times in his head. Girls like you didn’t fall for guys like him, and honestly he had accepted that a long time ago.

“Do you guys just want me to get curved? I mean seriously what the hell.” He cries out as a pout shoots from his lips.

“Look, we’ll be there.” Jisung assures.

“And if she curves you, you can always say you’re just joking. That’s what I did with Brianna.” Haechan smirks.

“She knows me. She knows I wouldn’t joke her like that.”

“Then you better hope she says yes.” Mark giggles—the doorbell ringing at the same time. The pizza was here, which meant Renjun really couldn’t get out of this now.

That’s why as he sits in his last class of the day, he feels his hands shaking. Truthfully, he thought maybe the boys had forgot about it, or would let him slide, but they made sure to blow up the groupchat with words of encouragement.

— Our boy is finally going to get his girl.

— And if she doesn’t we’ll be here bro.

— We told Y/N and them to meet us at the ice cream spot after school.

Renjun couldn’t help but to laugh sadly at that. You don’t even like ice cream. You were much more of a frozen yogurt person but of course they wouldn’t know that. Not only was he going to get curved by you, but it was going to happen in a place you despise.

“24.” Renjun finally answers the question his math teacher wanted the answer for.

“Good. Make sure you do all of your homework, and no excuses. A for effort so show your work.” That was always the closing statement of his math class, but it also meant that he could pack up his stuff and sneak out. He zips his book bag up—throwing it over his shoulder before walking out of the room. Lucky for him, the door that lead to the parking lot wasnt too far.

As he approaches his cherry red vehicle, he sees that Jisung and Chenle have made themselves comfortable on the hood of his car. They couldn’t drive, so he was frequently giving them rides home, not that he minded. They didn’t live that far away and plus they practically did everything together anyways.

“Are you ready, bro?”

“Are you seriously making me do this?” He sighs, unlocking the door. He gets inside the drivers side while Chenle takes the passenger and Jisung gets in the back.

“Absolutely.” They both say together. The engine is starting, and Renjun is putting the car in drive. “Woah woah.” Chenle interrupts. “Don’t you want to wait for your girl? School ends in five minutes baby.”

“If I see her, I’ll end up driving home instead of to the ice cream place. Just trust me.” He can’t even care about cold weather on his engine with no warm up time. He has to go, and he’s pulling off. He feels his phone vibrating, and he expects it to be Mark or Jeno making sure he’s actually going to show up, but it’s you.

“What’s with the smile?” Chenle interrogates, trying to look over, but Renjun locks his phone before he can see.

“Oh we know what that is!” Jisung screeches from the back, dapping Chenle up at once.

“Yessirrrrrrrrr.” Chenle screams loudly. It’s at this point that Renjun wishes he could somehow cancel out all of this noise. He loved his friends, but he also hated them very much.

“You’re getting excited for nothing.”

“Yeah whatever.” Jisung responds. His eyes are now locked onto the trees they’re driving past as the light turns green.

It didn’t take them that much longer to get to the ice cream parlor. Surpisingly, Jeno, Mark, Haechan, and Jaemin are already here—music blasting unnecessarily. It was very clear that Mark had the aux as YBN Cordae was preaching for the whole shopping center.

Just as he’s about to park, he sees you. I mean, it was quite easy to recognize that frame, and he doesn’t mean that in a perverted way. You were just so perfect and he couldn’t resist to praise you. You’re approaching the window of Jeno’s car and he can hear you now calling their current set-up ghetto and telling them to turn the music off. All jokes of course, and everyone knew only you were allowed to make them. God, he loved you so much.

“You got this.” Chenle encourages, slapping his knee before getting out of the car. Everyone else follows, and Renjun notices that your friends weren’t hiding in your car.

“Did you come here alone?” Is that first thing he asks you as he embraces you into a quick hug. You smell like perfection, but it fitted you. I mean, you were.

“I tried to get the girls to tag-a-long, but they said it was too cold to be outside and definitely too cold to get ice cream.” The wind blows as soon as you finish your sentence, and he sees the way you shut your eyes tight as if that would make it better.

“Oh no we gotta get you inside.” He says, pushing you towards the door. “Fathead.” He adds, causing you to turn around and punch him in the arm. The other boys are not too far behind.

The parlor is chilly, but it’s much better than the outside. There are pretty lights that glow inspirational quotes such as—“follow your dreams“ “seek what sets your soul on fire”. Quite ironic and bad timing, but knowing you, you find it to be very cute. He would too if it wasn’t mocking him so badly.

“What are you gonna get?” Renjun questions, allowing you to get in front of him to see the board better. Since it’s a Monday, and school just ended, there’s nobody in here but you guys. A habit you formed when you’re thinking heavily, you’re twirling about five braids around your pointer finger. He knows that you’ve made a decision when you take those pieces of hair and throw them behind you.

“Nothing.” You say with confidence. “I can’t do this to myself.”

“Well I know, but maybe you should try something. You might like it a little. I’ll pay?”

“Or how about I just eat some of yours.” You smile brightly at him, your hershey colored skin looking flourecent under the bright lights of the building.

He knows there’s no changing your mind. Once you say something, you mean it. It was all about compromise with you.

“Deal.” He chuckles lightly, moving forward to order.

While he’s at the counter, you speak to the other boys for a little before going to find a seat for you all. Renjun really wants to know what you guys were talking about, as it seemed to be a very hush conversation. Or maybe he didn’t want to know.

He gets his ice cream before the others, and he sits right beside you. When the other members get theirs, they sit at the table beside you guys even though there was plenty of room. They really were gonna do this to him.

Renjun is quite surprised that you don’t question their actions. I mean, it did look very odd that they weren’t even acknowledging what they just did, and instead decided on talking about the All-Star game that just happened this past weekend.

“How was your day, Rennie.”

This was the nickname you had gave him freshman year, and although some tried to call him that as well, it just didn’t feel right unless it was coming from your mouth. You seem to be a little tired—probably from staying up last night to study for a test.

“Not too bad. I’m a lot happier now than I was like 30 minutes ago.”

“And why is that?”

“Can’t tell you.” He smiles sadly, fiddling with his cup full of dairy.

“Oh no, we’re not doing that.” You kick him lightly under the table. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“Come on, they’re not even listening.” You whisper, eyeing the boys who were still going on about how Aaron Gordan got robbed on Saturday. “Talk to me.”

“How do I get this out.” He trembles, fiddling with his fingers as he has to look everywhere but your eyes. “Do you remember when we first met?” He questions.

“Of course. Biology, 1st period. I hated every second of it other than you.”

“I felt the same way.” He chuckles. “But I also felt something else. As time went by.”

You’re not clueless. You know exactly what he’s trying to convey to you. The gentleness in his tone, his refusal of eye contact, it was all leading up to a confession, right? He can see it in the way your body haults. It honestly felt like everything stopped; time, the music, his breathing. Neither of you noticed this, but the boys stopped their yapping too.

“Renjun—

“Let me just get this out, okay? I know you’re going to want to walk away but please.” His voice is hushed now as he grabs your hand. It was something you both did to eachother whenever you were embarrassed, or nervous, or extremely joyful. It was obviously different this time and he could also feel that you know that. Even so you don’t let go.

“Y/N M/N L/N.” He shakes. “Since the day I met you, I knew that you were extremely funny, the sweetest girl I’ve ever met, the most beautiful soul that I had ever come across. But even so I thought I could run away from all of your good attributes. We can stay just friends, right? There just wasn’t a universe where you shared my feelings, so it was better to ignore it. I tried so hard to talk to other girls and give them the attention I wanted to give you to distract myself. It’s stupid I know, but it’s what I tried to do.”

“As the months went by, I realized that it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t get over you, but I also couldn’t have you, so I decided that I would be one of the boys in your life that you could always rely on.” He rubs your knuckles softly. There’s a braid hanging infront of your face, and he knows that it’s killing you, so he lets go of your hands for mere seconds to tuck it in another braid. Your features are unreadable right now and he wants to stop, but he can feel Marks hand on his back—patting it in encouragement.

“But I’m in love with you, Y/N. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever not be in love with you. And I don’t want you hearing that to make you feel like I’m forcing you to feel something, or to try to feel something. I just want you to know that you are so loved by so many people. Me especially. I know I’m not the coolest guy in the world, but..but...”

He’s said too much. It felt so good to get his confession out, but now that he was almost done, his breathing was out of control. He had only felt like this when he was in fear of something dramatic—he recognizes this to be because he’s so terrified to hear the rejection he’s going to get, so he runs out. He runs out of the parlor and he takes his ice cream with him. He didn’t even want it anymore.

Of course he’s not going to pull off. He wouldn’t leave Chenle and Jisung here. But he just didn’t want to look at anybody. The minute he sits down in his car and turns it on—an attempt to cool down, he looks into the sky. Was he seriously about to cry?

He’s just going to wait for the boys to finish their icecream. He knows they’re going to come when they’re ready. When he feels a knock on the passenger window, he immediately unlocks the door without looking. He has he hands on the wheel ready to pull off but he also has one question. “Is Y/N in her car yet? We can’t leave her without seeing her pull off.”

“She’s in a car.” Your voice echoes throughout the vehicle. “And she’s very safe. I promise.”

In dramatic fashion, he’s turning his head towards you. When the two of you lock eyes, he can’t believe it. Even when you didn’t have to be, you were so sweet. You were going to politely reject him to his face instead of laughing. An angel.

“I’m sorry—

“It’s my turn now.” You whisper, placing a sole finger on his lip. Except, you don’t speak. You instead take the icecream that was sitting in his cup holder and you’re taking a bite. After you set the spoon down, you’re leaning in. It’s a very slow, but beautiful kiss. First, your foreheads connect, then your nose—your perfect nose. He already loves the feeling. But the best part is when your lips connect. The way your lips completely cover his own and swallow him whole is something he couldn’t have imagined with the clearest mind. The way your lips mold together—it’s romantic—perfect, and he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t stop though. He has fingers in your hair, and he’s bring you two closer than you had ever been. There’s no space for breathing between you two.

It’s him who pulls away.

“I—I

“I love you too.” You breathe out. “I love you so much. And whether you believe it or not, everything you said to me in there is something I’ve felt 1000x more. I swear.”

His eyes are too pure as you look at him right now. He really had no idea. All of your little texts telling him you missed him. How the only reason you were coming to school was to see him. He never caught on. He had spent four years believing he wasn’t good enough for you when in reality he was everything you wanted.

“Are you serious?” He coughs.

“So serious.” You say with pride. “I just ate icecream for you. Believe me.”

He wanted to ask you to be his right then and there. But he didn’t want to do anything to mess this up. Suddenly he hears screaming coming from a cellphone, and it’s yours. It’s the boys.

“What did we say!” You both hear Mark shout. They’re outside now, and they’re running to the car.

“We told you it would work out.” Haechan simpers fron Renjun’s side. He rolls down the window, very confused although he’s putting the pieces together.

“Wait, did you guys know about this?” He’s looking at you now, and you’re so shy. You grab his hand, and it feels so good to hold it back. He’s caressing you’re thumb softly as he can’t hold in his smile anymore.

“Why do you think we dared you to do it?” Jeno laughs.

“They saw me on Friday. Getting some wings.” You put your head into his shoulder. “And they interrogated me.

“Politely, of course.” Jisung smiles.

“We had suspicions.”

“But we didn’t tell her you liked her until she confessed. We were just teasing before she confessed her love for you.”

“Shut up, Mark.” You cry out.

There’s a peaceful silence, before Renjun speaks up.

“Thank you guys. From the bottom of my heart.”

“Of course. You deserve it better than anyone.” Chenle says, tapping the window. They all walk away and now it’s the two of you again.

“I promise I won’t hurt you, Y/N.” Renjun whispers, kissing your forehead.

“I know.” Are your final words. “And it’s the best feeling ever.”

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this! :(

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

[cow3survivor]

Episode 1 Pt. 1: “Playing A Game With A Fresh Slate” - Jessica

JESSICA

chamomile

JABARI

So im a little slow with names to start but everyone seems chill and nice to be around. I hope I can find some like-minded people here 

JESSICA

Hello hello hello, it is Jessica here with a confessional. I don't know a single soul in this game except for Silver and we are not even on the same tribe. I also barely know him so it's basically like I'm playing a game with a fresh slate! It's nice because I feel like I used to have a Reputation with a capital R and sometimes that made it difficult to play the way I wanted (which is chaotically but in a cute way). But since no one knows me... I can use whatever strategy I want and hopefully they don't see it coming. I am tied for the oldest person here. Everyone is college aged (or even HIGH SCHOOL aged? Didn't know people still did that) so I do not know what we are going to talk about. My only interests are taxes and coffee, things that kids these days know nothing about! Also I am only allowed one teenager friend without it being weird and that person is Zach so I will just vote out the rest of the teenagers in this cast. The tribe wants to play pictionary later so I am going to join that and wow them all with my art skills. All right that's it, that's my confessional for this round. I probably won't even need to write any more until merge because I will be immune every round :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) I am manifesting that it will happen 

CLOUD

my tribe is seeming kinda dry</3 but thats okay im here to be insane and annoying not to win 

SHANE 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IyGBdqi4OzsqrfedJim18OWhn-K1A5Lp/view?usp=sharing

PENNINO

I'm coming into this game with the mentality of "you need to write a vl everyday, a confessional every day and communicate with everyone every day. I don't think I know anyone on my tribe apart from Nicole and Silver, who I am looking forward to possibly work with. I'm the youngest as always. Jabari seems worried about the image he gives off. Nash looks like that chatty archetype, someone you can go to vent to. Mikey was pretty excited to not be the youngest. Jake seems like a pretty nice guy. His first ORG, and with 15 orgs under my belt, I think I actually can help, but he loves survivor so he must know the strategies. I think I know jones from other ORGs, but she wasn't very active today. Or maybe I just wasn't awake for it. Jennet seems like a cool person I'd like to talk to. Same goes for Lindsay. As for Brookesia, I couldn't help but notice that Ethan reminds me of someone, I just don't know why. No thoughts on Daisy, Lovelis, Sam, or Shane. Jessica is giving me a strange vibe. She's gonna get to swap/merge, and in those later days, I think she has the possibility to become a villain. Or maybe that's gonna be me hehehehe. Cloud spoke in ITALIAN in their Intro Video and I'M EXCITED CAUSE MAYBE THEYRE  ITALIAN. Madison is someone I know from another ORG and great person, may not get to even meet her, she may get booted out pre-swap. Everyone knows Sammy, may be considered as a liability and I do too. I'm hella scared of him, but I just hope Brookesia sees the threat before I'm on a tribe with him. And then there's Pete. Ughhhhhh whyyyyyy. Bitch you can't make that show up on my screen at 2 am and expect me not too have nightmares. May be just all for show and he may be voted out first. For now, let's just try to make friends. I could just go to Jake or Silver. I don't know yet, I still have to talk with everyone

NICOLE

So? This is overwhelming a bit. I haven’t played survivor in almost a year and really didn’t think I’d be playing any more games. Yet, here I am! And it’s very weird, because I like everyone so far on a surface level which means I might be the weakest member of the tribe? I don’t think that’s how that works. I’ve been talking to Jake a bit, Lindsay a bit, Pennino a bit, then I love Nash and Jones. Jennet and I were active at different times I think so I haven’t gotten to speak to them yet but I have watched them play Toy Story! And Jabari was really nice but we talked about the weather and the weather only so uh..we are gonna have to talk more. In a big game like this you have to have the personality and active time to move forward so, I’m trying to show people I have that. It’s just real hard to do so, and also Silver...he is hard to keep up with. I’ve been hosting him for the past month and I just find it difficult to find an in to align with him on, not really trying to align with him honestly. But I feel like I’d probably do good at pretending to align with him, which is all that matters right? In terms of the other tribe...kisses all of them. Sammy? Love of my life. Daisy? Love of all our lives. Like, these are super likable people! So it’s a little worrisome to have big personalities over there, I really hope they don’t eat each other before a swap can happen. Especially Madison and Daisy, both of them have a tendency to uh...stick with the men...and vote out the women. So I’m really hoping history doesn’t repeat because I’d love to work with both of them! I feel like I’m solid if I can find a way to keep communication constant this round and show I can help out. I feel like rallying the girls and the theys this round may be an opportunity. I feel bad because Silver is doing all this and I know sammy is a graphic designer LOL Speaking of he should be working on my book cover not this game...anyway I’m gonna go back to sleep for an hour before work but I hope this tribe shows an inact soon because I’m starting to feel like the weakest link 😳

PETE 

so right off the bat i’m really vibing with Ethan we immediately found our shared love for Bowser & Roadhog as our gay dads aw ♡ also talked to sammy since we have a little history but we’re cool i really think it’ll go well this time around at least i hope

(a little later)

IM SO HDDJ NICOLE IS HERE SHES GONNA KILL MEEEEEEEEEE IM DELETING BYE

LINDSAY

i recorded this very late so im sorry if its a mess: 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/17C9vr8lGOFOx02Dg1_RrnYf4FznoVcYY/view?usp=sharing

Also to add one pennino immediately started interrogating me about people i didnt like and is generally not giving me great vibes like dude. chill it down on the aggression. you gotta make a connection w people before you start doing shit like that and we definitely didn't have one yet. obviously i vagued him (while giving him just a little bit of tea so it wasnt intensely obv i was vaguing) but dude... dont do that shit. we ain't even know if we goin' to tribal yet what the fuck.

ETHAN

Charan's Hot Confessional Questions for Leafy (Charan is my diary room buddy <3) :dance: 1. You've had the evening to get to meet your new tribemates! Who are you connecting with? Who are you struggling to connect with? How did the Tribe VC go? I feel like I am getting my foot in the door with most of them, so rather than saying who I am connecting super well with, I will say Kiki is the only one who I haven't had a conversation with. They got back from work right after everything happened, and I was already asleep, and they have not messaged me back yet today. The tribe vc was fun! I love vcs, as my diary room buddies RYAN and CHARAN know, as they are a way to make even deeper connections, and talk about things more efficiently. VCs are also a way to more quickly understand the personalities of who I am talking with, so I got a lot of info quickly. Super excited because my tribe looks awesome! :dance: 2. How do you personally assess your gameplay? Where do you think your strengths lay, especially in the early premerge? In what ways do you find yourself capitalizing on those strengths to keep yourself safe? My gameplay is 100% rooted in my social maneuverability. I try to understand those I play with, and preferably, have them as allies. Even if they aren't allies, if I understand how they think, I will be able to anticipate how they will act and react to certain scenarios. So far I hope to use my social game to keep me out of harm's way, as I don't need to be in control, I just can't be the one to go. If things go well, I will naturally be in a more powerful position as people come to trust me, but I can never be seen as going for one or being in one. Perception is everything, and on day 1, I am going for the perception that I am a nice volleyball coach with a passion for education, and I am just somebody who wants to have fun and make new friends. That is all true, and that is all I need to be! :dance: 3. I personally have 0 clue how idols/advantages are obtained in this org. Do you expect it to be difficult or easy? And does the easiness of finding idols factor into your gameplay at all? Or are you used to playing without having to rely on advantages? I expect this to be difficult. My luck in life and ESPECIALLY in orgs is abysmal. This system is rooted in luck but also social prowess, so I can set myself up the best I can socially but ultimately it is a luck-based system. I am not anticipating on finding anything this season if this is the only way to find things, but more importantly, I just need to know who finds what and when. I am used to playing without advantages, and just need to know who has them in order to adapt my gameplay to them. :dance: 4. Lastly, tell me about your day! What did u do that made u feel happy about today and what're ur plans for tomorrow? My day has been good so far! I told one of my volleyball teams that I coach about this, and they said they want to be in my video confessional, so maybe that will be coming soon :eyes:. I love what I do and coach a LOT of hours, so if I am not typing in here I am likely doing that. In addition to that, the semester is winding down for school, so hopefully, soon I will have less school work and I can focus on this and on coaching. For tomorrow I play to more deeply integrate myself socially, and start to talk game with people! 

JENNET

i fear i will not click with my tribemates... im easy to get along with but idk if these people will like me

JAKE

https://youtu.be/Q3eDyTryE0g when I tell y'all I've had it....

JENNET

I feel like nobody hears me when i speak :(( i dont wanna sound like a toddler but hopefully its just my insecurities and they do enjoy me

(a little later)

Silver is kinda... hmmm kinda weird i dont like to isolate people or be mean but that’s just something i noticed. i do enjoy having somebody that’s awkward around bc it does take the edge/pressure off me being awkward

(after an afternoon of swimming)

this is such a different experience than what im used to.... nobody really messages me like at all and ive reached out but idk-

JESSICA

Well we are here on day three doing an immunity challenge. I hope we win! Today's song of the day is: HELLO by Allie X (I have listened to it 30 times this morning alone).

So far I like my tribe enough. I find people are falling into two categories: active/chatty or quieter/a little more difficult to talk to. In category one we have:

- Ethan: One of my favourite people to talk to so far, really liking him.

- Sammy: The only person I've talked any strategy with. I really like that out of the gate he was like "hey let's not waste time, let's STRATEGIZE". Since he was the one that brought that up first, I'm thinking I might go to him today (whether we win immunity or not) and see what he thinks about starting an official alliance with any of the people in category 1 (or anyone at all really)

- Daisy: Daisy seems very sweet and is easy to talk to. I really like her!

- Lovelis: Oh my gosh.... at first I was like hmmm not sure what my opinion is of this guy. But then we realized we are both from the FB Org community and now we are hitting it off! He said he cheered for me when I played Kingdoms Collide.

- Pete: Umm I don't really have a read on Pete but he does reply pretty quickly when I message him.

And then in the not so active group:

- Sam: Sam is actually here quite a bit but I've found he's a little difficult to talk to. He doesn't move conversations forward a lot. However we have been bonding over the evil that is braces/retainers so now he is opening up a bit.

- Shane: For some reason, I keep thinking he is also named Ethan? Not sure why. Shane is fine but same as Sam; not great at keeping conversations moving forward.

- Cloud: Okay I love Cloud. They are great and I really want to talk to them more! But they are also a little spotty with how much they're online. I would not want to vote them out if we lost but I also would not necessarily stop others if they wanted to.

- Madison: She is not here very much and doesn't seem to be putting in the effort when she is. Like she's left me on read already and in the span of 48 hours (or however long it's been since the game started) we have barely spoken at all and I've had to start the convo twice. I'd probably most want to vote her out if we lost.

In an ideal perfect wonderful world, we will win immunity and that gives me more time to try and subtly get some form of alliance going. I don't want to be the one to push it directly so I'm going to try and get Sammy to suggest it to people.

Usually I find I get two placements in games: I make it to merge as a non-threat and then kill it in the second half + go really far or I play too big too fast and by late pre-merge/early merge, I'm taken out. The only times I've gone into merge with a threat label and still won, I either won every single immunity (what's up, Jordan Pines!) or I had a once in a lifetime alliance. In my experience, it's way easier to play from a non-threatening position where everyone likes you.

I used to have that strategy down perfectly but it's been a few years so let's see if I still remember how the heck you win Survivor!

PETE

BYE IM GOING HOME LITERALLY I ONLY SCORED LIKE TWICE MY ASS IS FUCKING DEAD FUUUUUUUUCK

JONES

:pensive_cow: So we get on the beach and like omg I arrive like,, two hours later than everyone else but that’s all gucci idrc ab that but IN HINDSIGHT NOW feel like such an outsider on this TRIBE????????? It’s all internal I think. I haven’t done anything to make me an outsider other than be super super busy and preoccupied but I FEEL SO WEIRD :((( idk!! It might also be an age thing tho,, Bc it seems like a lot of people on my tribe are like 14-18 or smth like that I feel like the weird aunt who lives down the block!!! These kids make me SICK!!! But ya. It’s not like I have no one tho I’m just v v sad and feel rlly tuned out of everyone’s thoughts ajdkdkdkdk but uhm. 👉👈 first impressions cast assessment:

Jabari- have NOT had the chance to pm her 1 on 1 yet, but she was on call for a hot minute yesterday after the challenge was released!! She gave Lindsay some insight on the flash game which I thought was super super neat :) Jake - I definitely think on first impression he’s trying to take on a bit more of a savior leadership type position by organizing everyone for the immunity challenge and trying to make his own quirky cute flag too, but idk if we rlly like ? Need a leader rn ? I get it’s in good conscience but it’s a lil unnecessary. I do think he’s super super sweet tho and I loved his flag :) Mikey - this boy. JSJDJDKKD I think he’s TOTALLY FINE don’t get me WRONG but idk why he was like ,,, unintentionally lowkey shady??????? JAJDJFJFK LIKE when Jake’s flag came into consideration one of the first things Mikey said was smth like “well the judges might think it’s more illustration than a flag” LIKE AKSKSKSK ITS NOT A BIG DEAL ITS A FUCKING FLAG ANJSKS I think it might be,, an age thing or just him wanting his flag to be used which is FINE but it’s a reward challenge and it’s flagmaking it’s not,, the biggest deal ankskdksks I do appreciate his work ethic tho :3

Jennet - I’ve never heard bad things ab jennet so I’m RLLY EXCITED to get to meet them esp since they’re also kinda involved w fast twitter and whatnot but I feel like they kinda came in rlly hot? Like “I’m here to play this for real” I think Is what they said which isn’t totally fine but it’s also like,,, yes. Cool. Idk what it means ig hsjsjsj idk they’re v fun tho :)) definitely wanna work w them long term

Nicole - i Keep thinking Nicole is my emotional support counselor I’m so happy she’s here but I don’t wanna strictly rely on her ya feel (I don’t think I am rn Bc I think I have at least 2 solid allies anskkdkd but I don’t want to have to fall on Nicole Bc shes my friend yk)

Nash - is never rlly online :(( they messaged me yesterday and I messaged them back but they never respondedddddddddd Ik they said they napped but! Where are u I miss u

Pennino - this boy. ANDKFKDKDK he’s the kind of person that will respond to PMs w one word sentences and then go fking off in tribe chat like his life depends on it AJDKDKKDD I don’t see myself bonding w him that well tbh :( I think in the end it’s probs an age thing but he def seems nice and excited to play

Silver - at first I loved his intro,, filled me w joy,, but when I messaged him a bit later I felt like our convo was kinda stale? But THEN yesterday on call?? Chefs kiss I love silver sm. He said he wants to work w me too so BONUS??????? YES!!

Lindsay - this is it folks. This is the one. I love Lindsay sm. I haven’t had a great first impression convo w anyone like lindsay in a long long LONG ass time and I’m so. Appreciative. We both have said we wanna work w each other and I’m so so excited GOD lindsay is so incredible

But ya have to go back to work kiss me on the lipz

DAISY

https://youtu.be/TI72H8w-EK8

JENNET

flopped the immunity comp so i fear i may be next :/// i havent really made an connections this is sick

[hanasinbloom]

[SakuMahi] Married AU - Prologue

So, I was really really wanting to write this out as an actual fic for the longest time. I finally started it! Warning though, it’s pretty damn long ahaha.

As the title says, this is just the prologue to a longer fic that I’m going to be working on. It is the beginning to the Married AU that myself,  @crazyanime3 , and @wonderfulchaos69 have been working on. I know this seems like a strange place to start, but I really wanted to show their bond as friends before moving into any of the romantic stuff.

I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

It wasn’t that he had never seen it before. It was more along the lines of him denying it to the very end. But denial can only take you so far. Once Sakuya realized that and actually came to terms with his own feelings, all that was left was actually attempting to convey them to the person who held onto his heart by the strings. His best friend since his high school years, Mahiru Shirota, was blissfully unaware of his innate ability to make Sakuya swoon with a single glance in his direction. His bright, chestnut eyes that made him weak in the knees. His glistening grin that caused Sakuya’s heart to leap from his chest.

    Sakuya had attempted on multiple occasions to hint at his infatuation, hoping that the younger male would pick up what he was not-so-subtly throwing down. But alas, they stood beside each other in the line of a crowded shopping mall, picking up some groceries and supplies that Mahiru needed for his apartment. He scoffed at his own thoughts, realizing that he may be doomed to the friendzone forever if things continued in this direction.

    “Sakuya…?” came a voice from in front of him, snapping him back to reality. Mahiru, with an open palm waving in front of Sakuya’s face, stepped back after seeing the shocked look he was displaying. “Ah, sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten you…”

    “S’okay,” Sakuya muttered in response, “It’s my fault. What’s up?”

    “Well, it’s our turn to pay,” Mahiru paused, “and you are still holding the milk carton.”

    He only let out a sigh and a small “oh” for a reply. With a distant expression, the carton was placed on the conveyer belt. Mahiru seemed to take that as satisfactory because he did not offer any follow up reply and continued to pay for the items. Sakuya’s hands made their way into his pockets, like usual, as his mind began to amble off again. It wasn’t long before his attention was pulled away from his thoughts once more, only this time, his vision was met with concerned eyes and drooping shoulders.

    Mahiru spoke up once he had his friend’s undivided attention. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or not?”

“Hm? What do ya mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean, Sakuya. You’ve barely said a word this entire trip.”

Sakuya scrunched his face for a second, hesitant to humor the request. He decided against it by putting on a grin and waving his hand in a dismissing manner. “It’s nothing, really. There isn’t really much to say when running errands,” he chuckled in hopes that Mahiru would leave the issue alone.

He should’ve known that wouldn’t be the case. “Are you bored? I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have dragged you along with me.”

“No, no! I don’t mind coming along! It’s just that there isn’t much to talk about right now?” he shrugged, “I dunno how to convey to you that nothing’s up!”

He lied.

He’d been struggling with his feelings for quite a while. Pretty much since they graduated, it’s been a hellfire of internal battles every time the two of them hung out together. Even when they weren’t physically next to one another, Sakuya debated back and forth on if he should send a quick text or call for a short chat, just to see how things were doing. But he could never bring himself to do it. He had decided day after day that he would confess, but each time, there was a new excuse or something else that he had to do that conveniently interrupted or stood in the way of their time together. For almost 6 years now, Sakuya struggled. Even at 23 years old, he felt like a child who wanted nothing more than to ask the cute girl in his class to sit with him at lunchtime. However, there was a full understanding of the position he stood; and it was one in which he would never move forward from the place he currently occupied.

He was a coward at best.

The two sat in the car, all the bags from their shopping trip placed neatly in the back seat. Mahiru turned up the radio before scanning the area behind him to make sure it was safe to back out. Sakuya stared out the window, his cheek resting uncomfortably in his palm. He had noticed how distant he had been recently as well, but it all was so unconscious. He had a million things to say, but every one of them shied away each time he opened his mouth. A barrage of emotions was waiting to be set free, and yet, they were held tightly by reins that only Sakuya’s pride could control.

Breaking the awkward atmosphere as they pulled into the driveway of Sakuya’s apartment, Mahiru turned down the music. With a deep sigh, he spoke, “Look. If you are angry with me or anything, you can always tell me.” He shushed Sakuya’s instant protests before continuing, “I won’t press you to talk to me, but I just want to make sure that I am 100% clear. You can’t fool me. I know you too well. But I also don’t want you to feel forced to tell me what’s going on with you.”

Sakuya nodded, “Yeah… I understand…Don’t worry though, I’m not mad at you.”

“Alright,” Mahiru smiled. “Then, I’ll see you later. And if you ever want to chat, let me know.”

“Gotcha.”

Sakuya smiled as well as he stood out of the car and shut the door. Walking up to his apartment, he could still hear the low rumbling of Mahiru’s car behind him. ‘Just like always…’ he thought with a scoff.

The next morning was brutally hot, as to be expected from the beginning of summertime. He shoved the blankets off and slid his legs limply over the side of the bed. Picking up his phone, he noticed that there was a text from Mahiru waiting for him.

[Good morning! We should go out later today! Let me know when you are free!]

A grin spread on his lips within seconds. It wasn’t the first time he had received a good morning message from him, but today, he just felt good. He couldn’t explain it if he tried, but there was a tingling feeling in his gut when he read it. Not a single second was wasted before another message was sent in return.

[Sounds good. Got any ideas?]

Within a minute or two, the screen lit up.

[Oh, good! You’re awake! I have a few ideas on things to do, but I’m not going to tell you. Meet me over at my place whenever you are ready, okay?]

‘A surprise? So spontaneous,’ he thought to himself. ‘So unlike him…’ His imagination began to wander in a manner that made him blush. But he had to push such fantasies out of his mind for the time being if he was going to be going out. He couldn’t risk the thoughts following him and messing things up for the day.

[Got it]

He was ready to leave within a the hour, but he didn’t want to seem too eager. Sakuya waited until a few hours after their short conversation before sending another text to let his best friend know that he was on his way. The car ride was silent, while Sakuya battled with his own imagination, wondering what in God’s name Mahiru could be planning.

When he arrived, he knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer. He could hear bickering on the other side in which Mahiru was yelling at his roommate to get the door and the other complaining about how much work it was to get off the couch. The door opened slowly with a click and he met eyes with a tall man with lanky arms that hung at his sides. Light blue bangs draped over his eyes like curtains. Piercing blue eyes darted daggers at him from behind thin locks of hair.

“What the hell are you looking at me like that for?” Sakuya barked.

“You’re the reason I had to pause my game? Sheesh, seems like a wasted effort…” the man looked towards the floor and then turned to walk back to his previous spot on the couch, where there was an indention of his body waiting for him to return.

“Kuro! Can you actually make yourself useful for once and turn that stupid game off!”

Sakuya let himself in, hearing Mahiru’s irritated rambling from the other room down the hall.

“What? I opened the door… That was something useful, wasnt it?” Kuro questioned, not even bothering to look up from the handheld game.

“How’d Mahiru end up with such a lazy good-for-nothing roommate like you?” Sakuya spat.

As if on cue, Mahiru stepped out from the hallway, patting his shirt clean of any remaining dust that could have escaped from the apron he had discarded. “Don’t mind him,” he sent a glare over his shoulder, “Are you ready to head out?”

“Yeah, I guess. I wasn’t sure where we were going, so I dressed casually…” Sakuya said with minor pauses between his words, unsure of how Mahiru would respond.

The brunette laughed a little hearing that, but assured him that it was fine.”We aren’t going anywhere fancy or anything, so I’m sure you’ll be fine in that.” He stopped for a moment and pointed to the fuchsia jacket hanging around Sakuya’s hips. “You might want to leave that in the car, though. It’s a little too warm for a jacket.”

“Oh, yeah. I just wasn’t sure if we’d be out late.”

“Not sure. I guess we’ll see how this all plays out,” Mahiru chuckled as he stepped past Sakuya towards the front door. “Okay, Kuro, I’m heading out. Please get something productive done today…”

“Yes Mom,” was the only response he received as they shut the door and headed to Mahiru’s car, leaving Sakuya’s parked in the guest parking space that he had pretty much claimed at this point.

“So! Off we go!” Mahiru grinned, shifting into reverse before backing out into the main street.

“Yeah, are you gonna tell me where yet?”

Mahiru tapped a slim finger against his chin in a condescending manner with a smirk on his face, ���Hm… Well let’s see… It’s not like you can escape now that we are in a moving vehicle.”

“Hey! I could jump out if I wanted to!” Sakuya laughed.

“Yeah, sure,” Mahiru responded with a slight snicker. “Anyways, I felt bad about yesterday. You seemed really bored by just running errands. So I figured we could go and do something fun.”

“You didn’t have to do that, y’know,” Sakuya replied in surprise. “I really don’t mind helping you do shopping and stuff.”

Mahiru paused, “I know you don’t mind. I guess you can think of this as a type of thanks then? For always being so willing to help out.”

Sakuya scoffed. ‘You know better than to thank me for something so meaningless,’ was all that crossed his mind. But he wouldn’t dare say such a thing.

When they arrived at their destination, Sakuya was genuinely surprised at Mahiru’s choice. They pulled up to a larger building with a sandwich board sign out front labeled with the drink specials and however much of a discount they were offering at the time. Music poured out into the parking lot, despite there not being many windows other than on the storefront. They could hear snippets of people singing, some bad and some worse than bad. But of course, that was to be expected from a well-known karaoke bar.

“Karaoke, huh? Since when are you into this sort of thing?” Sakuya leaned against the door of the car while he waited for his friend to join him.

“Come on, you say that like I’m boring.”

“Oh no, I didn’t mean that. I just mean that you don’t know how to have fun.” he mocked, poking the brunette’s cheek, earning himself a licht whack to the back of the head.

“Rude!”

“Sorry, sorry.”

The atmosphere inside the room was different than they’d thought based solely on the outside’s gritty appearance. It was hard to tell that they were even in the same place. When they entered, they were met with warm, dull lighting that made the room appear to be much smaller and more intimate than the outside had led them to believe. To their surprise, the room was more lively than expected to be in the middle of the day. Although most of the bars and clubs that were around didn’t even open until the evening, so it was understandable why so many congregated here during the daytime.

“It’s pushing 4 right now; definitely too early to drink,” Mahiru said, taking a seat on one of the stools, gesturing for Sakuya to sit on the one beside him. “But we can sing and have some food first, and then maybe some drinks later on.”

Sakuya scanned the room, smiling. He hadn’t been to a karaoke place in what felt like forever, although in actuality, it had only been maybe a year or so. The attendant that approached them was a young woman, maybe a few years older than he was, but maybe not. She offered to take their order whenever they were ready and they thanked her. The two of them talked about mundane things, sort of just jabbering on about their daily lives. Sakuya told Mahiru how work at the music store had been recently and Mahiru, about his endless list of house chores that he had been determined to finish before the brunt of summer weather hits. They told stories over some appetizers while various guests of the bar sang their hearts out. A good time like this was exactly was Sakuya had been missing out on, and he was unbelievably happy that he could be sharing it with the person he held dearest to him, whether he knew it or not.

“Hey, Sakuya, let’s sing something together!” Mahiru offered, taking a sip of the light cocktail he’d ordered not long before.

“Sure, what do you want to sing?” Sakuya asked, reaching for the song list while pushing away his half-empty martini.

The younger man stood from his seat and stretched. “It doesn’t matter to me. You can pick. Something simple.”

“Of course.”

Sakuya searched through the extensive list for an idea on what they could possibly sing together. They didn’t really have similar tastes in music, but they were usually willing to stand for the other’s choice, regardless. Finally, he decided on an upbeat song that was fairly popular, so they were sure to both know it well enough.

“This one is fine,” he said, showing the small booklet to the attendant, who was controlling the music for the main room from behind the bar. She agreed with a bright smile that it was a popular choice for couples to sing, in which he sputtered a bit that they weren’t together. Thankfully, Mahiru was already taking hold of the microphones and too far away to have heard the comment.

The music began slowly and softly. Sakuya began singing to the melody alone. All eyes were on him in this moment, including Mahiru’s.

He’d never realized just how great of a singer Sakuya was.

When the pace picked up, Mahiru joined in, shining under the lights in just a way that made Sakuya’s heart flutter. Without thinking, he reached for Mahiru’s hand, pulling him closer to dance while they sung the words. The crowd sung along with them, but it was all blocked out by the beat of the music and their hearts pumping in the heat of the moment. The alcohol, beginning to sink in, only fueled Sakuya’s energy as he spun Mahiru around. They laughed together, singing and dancing in front of a group of strangers that they had already forgotten exist. Time was put on hold and Sakuya was going to enjoy it to the fullest before his moment was finished.

The song reached its end and the crowd settled back into their own business, leaving a panting Mahiru and an adrenaline fueled Sakuya standing face to face, only inches from each other. Sakuya’s hand had landed along the small of Mahiru’s back, holding him closely against his heaving chest. Mahiru’s golden brown eyes stared directly into his auburn ones, piercing through him as every second passed. He gulped a little, not ever wanting to leave this moment. His mind raged on and on that this was a dangerous situation, but he didn’t want to listen. Over and over again, he would hear himself screaming to let go and back away. But he couldn’t move. His legs were frozen, paralyzed.

“Mahiru…” Sakuya began, leaning in closer, the alcohol still lingering on his breath. “I… I’ve always… lo-”

“Um, excuse me?” came a foreign voice from beside the two of them, a young man. He stood, looking down at his feet, unsure what to make of the awkward situation he just put himself in. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but we need the microphones back.”

“O-Oh,” Mahiru backed away, quickly handing off the microphone in his hand while Sakuya followed suit, a blushing mess.

The young man thanked them and took the mics back to the bar for the next guests to use. When they noticed the time, it was already pushing midnight and Sakuya insisted that he had to work the next day. Mahiru nodded in agreement. They paid for their food and drinks before ambling out the door. When they reached the car, Mahiru suggested that he take Sakuya home and he could pick up his car the next day.

“Are you okay to drive?” Sakuya asked the brunette.

“Yeah, I only had half of a cocktail. That’s not enough to do anything to me,” was the response.

“‘Kay, good…”

They chatted aimlessly on the way home. Sakuya was already half asleep by the time they made it to the apartment. They both got out of the car, so Mahiru could walk Sakuya to the door.

“Get some rest tonight, Sakuya,” Mahiru smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I hope you had fun. I sure did!”

Sakuya yawned and rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, I did. It had been a while since I’d had a good time. So thanks…”

When they made it to the front door, they said their goodbyes and good nights, giving a fist bump before turning to go their separate ways. Before Sakuya made it fully inside, he heard his name from behind. He glanced over his shoulder to see Mahiru facing him, an expression that appeared to be a combination of confusion and a pout on his face. The younger man’s mouth scrunched in a way that Sakuya hadn’t seen before.

“What’s up, Mahiru? Forget somethi–”

“I-I’ve always loved you too!”

The pause was longer than he had intended, but it took some extra time for Sakuya to process what he had just heard. He hadn’t just heard Mahiru say he loved him, did he? It had to be his imagination playing tricks on him.

“Uh… what?” was all he could muster.

“Y-You… That’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it?” The look of panic was now clearly visible on Mahiru’s face. “W-When we were at the bar… You started to say that you l-loved me, didn’t you?”

Now that his attention had been peaked, Sakuya turned around and took a couple steps closer. “How… I mean… Well…” he stumbled over his words. He couldn’t think clearly. This was certainly not how he envisioned his confession. And he definitely did not expect Mahiru to be the one to confess first. He didn’t even think Mahiru felt the same way. “Yes. I have always loved you, Mahiru…”

There it was. It was out. Finally. Finally. He said it. And he wasn’t getting shot down. This feeling was something he could only describe as bliss.

“You have?” Mahiru asked, clearly embarrassed now that his feelings were out in the open.

“Yeah… Since high school…”

Sakuya took another step forward, so they were now within arm’s reach. He pulled Mahiru into a hug, his fingers gripping the back of the brunette’s shirt, never wanting to let go. He could feel himself being held just as tightly.

“Mahiru… Would you like to go out with me again soon?”

“Of course… I’d love to.”

“Mahiru?”

“Yes, Sakuya?”

“Does this mean that we are dating now?”

“Yes, Sakuya.”

And with that, they separated, said their goodbyes once again, and then parted, each to their own apartments. Sakuya went inside, grinning from ear to ear. He bounced up the stairs and flopped down on the bed, awaiting sleep to pull him into wonderful dreams replaying the night he’d just had. And he just couldn’t wait to text his boyfriend in the morning.

END PROLOGUE

[trqnsboy-moved-blog]

alright so like one person liked it but im still gonna complain openly, this is gonna be rlly long cause i gotta put all that context

so i was sick for like a week and a half, and during that time i missed an entire essay in my english class, and the solutions my teachers came up w was “do it at lunch” i asked if i could take it home, they said no.i am barely surviving school as it is, i need time w my friends so i dont dissociate, and i need all that time bc i cant even get through the day now. 

so i havent come in for lunch to work on it, and ive been lowkey anxious (ty anxiety meds) abt this essay since not doing it will drop my grade. 

on monday the teacher brought up the fact that they were grading the essays, then she took us to her dance room to do a game thing??? in english?? but anyways, my fried wasnt there, i was in a different setting, and i just wasnt feeling the best that day.

 this one guy was limping when we walked down to the dance room, and the teacher saw and let him sit out to the side and do nothing but listen the entire time. so we get into the room and she tells us all to go into pairs and i shuffle off to the back cause i Did Not Feel good, and the teacher called my (kinda) name and said she had a partner for me and i said i was good (this teacher knows i have anxiety) and she was rlly confused. she went to go get the door and when she passed me she asked what was happening, and i said i couldnt do the activity bc of my anxiety.

but instead of letting me sit off to the side like the guy w the hurt leg (who basically sleeps in class) she made me (the one who puts his hand up for almost every question) write a summary of the thing we working on.

so i did it, cause of course i did, and when class ended i handed it in, and i tried to ask her if i could take it home, but i was stressed from the situation and it just came up all jumbled, and the teacher looked at me as if i was crazy and said no, and told me to ask my other teacher.

so like, that freaked me out,so i decided i would go talk to a guidance counselor for help, and i did. he sent an email to the teachers and told me to check back in two days later, so a day passes and its today (thursday) and my guidance counselor finds me during art and tells me to meet him at lunch to talk to my teachers.

so lunch comes and we go to the room and im kinda nervous, then one teacher comes and she sits besides the guidance counselor, which makes me kinda unsettled, but the chair was there. and she asks me to start the conversation ans i say smthg like, “uhh i just kinda wanted to take my essay home, i know that if i could take it home i could do it in a night, but when i asked u i felt kinda crazy” and then the teacher told me that u cant just judge other ppls emotions and all that stuff thats been told to me a million times, i have anxiety sharon, i cant help it.

the other teacher comes, and she sits on the other side of the guidance counselor, and i feel way more uncomfortable, bc now in basically surrounded by them. and the other teacher comes and she tells me what wonderful work ive been doing, and she started to talk abt my anxiety, but in that way that teachers talk abt things they r teaching. “who told me that u had anxiety?...” “uhh, me?” “yes thats right” and she just talked abt that, then the other teacher jumped in and they started talking about the real problem

so she says “we arent mind readers, we cant tell whats going on in ur brain, u have to tell us.” i have told u brenda, ive asked both of u twice now. “and u didnt come and see us for a week after we offered time, then suddenly i bring up that we r marking essays and u want to do it” 1st its called i have memory problems linda, 2ndly ???? i didnt bring this up bc u mntioned it?? i dont even remember u bringing it up???

and throughout this my guidance counselor is quietly nodding along, and when the teachers go on long tangents, i dissociate. 

they finely get to the real point which was basically, “we cant let u take the essay home, its school board policy” which??? they idnt need a meeting to say??? they couldve talked to me in class or send an email back??? instead of this?? 

so i can feel myself wanting to cry, but i hold it in, and one of the teachers leave and im just kinda left with the others. they basically say that i have to come in during lunch to do it (the guidance counselor agrees w the teacher here, even though he fully knows i cant) and that i just come in for half of lunch. 

these teachers wanted me. to do,that.today. my teacher says “u can go out and eat w ur friends, destress, then come back so u can do work. i need to destress too.” she compared, my needs to be healthy in this school, as similar to her, nbeing less stressed at work,the kid who has severe anxiety.

she goes “is that ok?” and i take a deep breath and go “tbh, im rlly, rlly, rlly, rlly stressed right now” she asks me “why” and i tell her “because of this?” and the guidance conselour like, jumps into the convo and says something and i go “i think im gonna go home” and they ask,how, and i tell them im gonna text my gran and this fuckin guidance counsellour tells me “what abt ur friends?” and i say ill text the, he tries to convince me to stay and i say “im good.” bite my cheek to hold back my fucking tears and walk to the fucking door

so i start kind of crying there, and i text my gran to pick me up, i play some music o try and calm me down, and i tell my friend hat imgoing home, and wile im tryin to get this fucking message to send, the guidance counselour comes up and lenas againsr the door?? and?? doesnt say anytjhing??? so i start freaking out and i try to text my friend to come but the fucking message wont sendand he fucking calls my name an says “guess that didnt work” and i like nod and look weirdly at him, then he goes “could u come see me in my office?” and i say yeah, and then he goes “are u going home?” and i say yes agan, and he fuckind he fuckin asks if he can help.

no thanks, ive had enough of ur “help” teach

anyways he left and i had an awful day :^)

[smireyac]

yea boi u already kno what it issssss 🍾🎆🎉🍾🎆🎉

hey so i started writing this at 8 o’ clock so i would be ahead of the game and actually have more than an hour to write but HEY its already 20 after midnight so who the eff care amiright ladies

WOOOOO 🍾🍾🎆 🎉 🎆 🍾 🎉 🎉 🍾 🍾 🍾 🎆🎆 🎆 🎉 🎆 🎉🍾 🎉 🍾🎆 🎉

so.................... its 2019.....................

i watched vox’s “2018 in 5 minutes” video and cried so thats how this year has been :^) a lot of lows......... we always think we leave the shittiest year behind then lo.............. the next year rears its ugly head and we never learn............ despite this, im gonna try to keep a positive outlook on the new year......... its literally just another day and i have to be in at work @ 9 tmrw but its what ever im already super fucking tired whats losing another hour of sleep anywahy?? its practically expected of me any way what with being a youth,,, ANYWAY i spent my time ringing in the new year watching spiderman homecoming so i think that wa sGREAt its also great  that im gonna get to see spiderverse AGAIN tmrw after work so SUCK ON THAT im ringing in the new year RIGHT!! its a very spidey new year and i wouldnt have it any other way heh.....

alright

so its time.... to reflect...........

and actually reflect this time last year was weak sauce compared to the first year “im too unfocused right now happy new year or whatever” *scoffs* what r u too good for self reflecting now a days huhh

been doing a lot of self reflecting this year,,,,,, but today we will look back on how the previous years have gotten me to where i am today...

if 2016 was the year of change and 2017 was the year of getting used to things.............. 2018 felt like............ the year of getting TOO used to things, of not ENOUGH change............. like alright i scratched a few of the bigger things on my yearly “to do” list/resolutions, i. e. finally going back to school and getting a job at the library, but like.......... i definitly dont feel like i did enough........... my art game was SO WEAK and i feel like i wrote less than 10,000 words ALL YEAR (not counting my academic papers) i didnt really CREATE anything this i dont have ANYTHING significant to show for this year............and to get more negative i didnt even make any friends all year NONE FRIENDS im only *just* starting to get more friendly with people at the library thank GOD theyre nice and gave my shy ass a chance to open up but i still dont feel like ill make FRIEND friends theyre just work friends and u kno what thats making me so pissed bc its tricking my dumb ass into thinking i have a crush on someone at work aND that i want a *romantic* relationship with them!!! OUTRAGEOUS im so peeved.......................... i also still havent gotten behind a wheel but at this point im not sure if i will anytime soon bc im That Way..... grrrr im just mad thinking of all the things i didnt do so motherfucker i will make 2019 the year of DOING!!!! and i had so many resolutions last year i feel like the more i had the less i felt like i had to do them, like i was just saying all that to be like “oh wouldnt it be nice if any of these things happened lmao” so yeah 2019: the year of DOING... and since ive kinda sorta figured out that writing is my thang.... i think i wanna focus on doing that.. and anything that will help me do it

SO: #GOALS for 2K19

-WRITE AT LEAST 50.000 WORDS U COWARD, more than just “brainstorming” too bc thats like a cop out, write like stories or dialogue or scenes or scripts or WHATEVER just make it to 50,000 pls some people do that in like a month

-READ UR GOD DAMN BOOKS, u *cant* buy anymore if u dont read the ones u’ve already bought,,,, im willing to make an acception re: checking things out from the library................ but u rlly shouldnt IT WOULD’VE BEEN SO EASY TO WIN THE BET DUDE srsly..... maybe .... an hour b4 bed ? try to read ? at least try to read once a week dude....

-heres a curve ball WATCH MORE MOVIES !!! u say u love film well fuckin act like u do...... u only went to the movie theater 5 times all year and three of those were all in the last month to go see spiderverse, more than that HOW MANY movies are there on netflix that u see and go “oh i should watch that finally” or “people say thats rlly good bro” and u scroll right past to watch the same 3 fuckin movies i s2g

-oh yeah back to the writing thing, to reach that 50,000 goal u should write about what you read and watch, there u’ll prob meet the goal b4 summer if u do that bro but....u actually gotta do it....................

ok those r the 4 im REALLY gonna work on and try to keep track of in either of the journals sien got me :^) these next few i rlly want to happen but..... we’ll see

-make some friends pls.... pls be more friendly......... ENGAGE  people when u have the opportunity askQUESTIONS about them like if they have a dog or a hobbie jesus h christ

-go out..... on ur own..... do stuff............by urself if u have to... go to the movies by urself go to a park, walk around down town for the fuck of it idk DO STUFF

-finish something............ for once in ur miserable life...................................... finish the vlog or the scrapbook..... or the reading list or this set of goals PLEAsE ANYTHING

im not even gonna put draw/art blog related stuff on here bc........ its not what i want........ like i love drawing and i dont think im terrible at it, im at a good place with it but i dont wanna put my energy this year into drawing stuff for the sake of me being able to say “i did it” like...... last yr and the yr b4 i rlly RLLY wanted to get better at art to idk prove that i could?? but like i havent picked up my drawing tablet in months ... that makes me really sad but i dont really feel like picking it up either? ? i said i wanted to take a painting/color theory/ life drawing class maybe i will this yr and it’ll reinvigorate my love of drawing........ tbh spiderverse got me *this close* to being pumped about art and animation and like yeah i still am, i love the medium and its still a dream of mine to be apart of it but it feels like a pipe dream if i try to go thru the art angle........ so many people r better than me at that and its not really what i wanna do,,, i wanna CREATE STORIES and worlds and characters and like i used my art to help *me* develop those but... i dont wanna use my art to do it for someone else i guess............. the art of animation itself still facsinates me so they door isnt close yet but,,, i wanna focus on the other aspect of myself that im more and at the same time LESS confident about lmao WRITING like alright,,, i think im a good writer .... sorta ? like yeah people tell me i am and sometimes when i look back on things ive written im like “dAMN i wrote this ???” but like,,,, there are some things to writing that still. escape me... like poetry.... and a lot of other aspects to it that i cant describe write now bc it would take too long and im getting cold and tired SO YEAH hopefully this english class will help me, even tho its just writting for college essays, i need to start somewhere and if shes rlly as good of a professor as rate my professor says then ill learn smthg new

where was i

well the year wasnt ALL bad, like i said i got the job at the library i wanted and FINALLY got to go to school, stressful as that mightve been........ and i got to see my love, my darling, the light of my life rhys again for one glorious week,, hopefully ill be able to see more of my friends this year? either in miami or milwuakee idc which MAYBE BOTH lmao im not that rich but hey i can dream,,,

alright its 1:12am i think im ready to sign off,,,,,,,,, here’s to DOING in 2019

🥂 cheers

[bensopinionsonvariousthingsblr]

So what are my favorite games Part 1

So just to make things clear i haven been writing 1.because this is actually my second attempt at writing this i accidentally closed the tab the first time, uh and i only lost a few hours of work. and 2.because I’ve been working at my job a lot more frequently as of late. anyway, i could probably write an entire full length essay on all of these games but I’ll try to shorten things up, oh yeah uh some games on the list might not be that good, as I may include a game from my childhood that i have fond memories of, but maybe wasn’t as good as i remembered it, anyway its a top 10 so lets begin.

First of all id love to start with some outside looking in, all these games are incredible to me and i would love to put them in the top 10 but i couldn’t, if you want to hear my opinions on them (wow thanks, you actually care) you can ask me on twitter and ill do my best!

15.Sonic Generations                                                                                              14.Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege                                                                      13.Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 Platinum (Waterpark&Zoo DLC is amazing)                12.Splatoon 2 (specifically the Octo Expansion, that was really good)                    11.Hyrule Warriors Definitive Edition (Def. edition because its portable with good FPS and the extra 3DS content)

OK then Ill get started now :3 Thanks a TON (and I mean it I appreciate amy support i get or constructive criticism) for reading it!

Number 10: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess                                              Developer and Release year: Nintendo, 2006/2016 remaster                                What it can be played on: Gamecube/Wii/Wii U                                                                                                                                                                                              The Legend of Zelda is my favorite game series of all time, thats obvious if you know anything about me, and twilight princess is one I’ve played more recently, and from the start you notice Twilight Princess is definitely going for that early 2000′s edgy tone (is that a coincidence or an actual trend, i dunno i was really young in 06 so...) which works fine, and its a really long game, I mean I spent a week or two beating it, that being said i had work and other things going on at the time, but any way it has been said by many more before me, that it is basically an edgy, long,Ocarina of Time remake with motion controls....and they aren’t wrong, though i have called it edgy but i think its more...dark i guess? any way i actually like this better than Ocarina of Time, before you assault me i loved Ocarina of Time, i just tried to put as few Zelda games on the list as i could, and i just enjoyed the Twilight Princess story, characters, and length a bit more, but back to the remake opinion, i sort of agree yeah, but i thought the mystery around Midna and Zant and the Twilight realm, and the mirror, were all something that sets it apart, so in the end i enjoyed it a lot.                                                                                                                                                                    Favorite Part(s)? Arbiters Grounds. AW MAN, I love the Arbiters grounds, the sneaking, the spinner, the boss, the setting, all of it is on point, even the wolf part is unique with the poe chasing, and also the Final Ganon boss I liked all of it, though his appearance is a bit late i thought it was a fun, long, and intense fight

Number 9: Lego Universe                                                                                      Developer and Release Year: NetDevil and Lego, 2010-2012                                What it COULD ( :( ) be played on: PC                                                                                                                                                                                                              IM GONNA GO AHEAD AND SAY IT THIS IS A PICK COMPLETELY ON NOSTALGIA. Yes, this is one of my favorite games of my childhood and since i cant go back and re-evaluate the game because it’s closed unfortunately (except for some server projects that are happening) I’m talking about it completely based on my memories. One reason I love it is, the game’s story and lore at the time captivated me so much that i decided to write stories about stuff my character(s) did, which basically kick-started my interest in writing, as bad as those stories were, I loved the game, I had it’s official LEGO set (Still do it’s a nice little orange rocket ship that could be used in-game) and convinced my cousins to play it too, and we all enjoyed it, now of course i was an MLGPROBOI at the game so I had rare pets and the best weapons and a RED PARROT GUYS (I believe it was super rare and a big deal) so I loved being really cool n’ stuff, people would ask me to help them take out Butterscorch (that was the hardest boss in the game, a purple dragon, BUT SINCE I WAS AN MLGPROBOI I COULD DO IT MYSELF BUT I WAS NICE SO I HELPED) and even sell them secrets on how to do stuff, yeah i was a cool guy, cant relate now, I’ll never be as cool as my alter-alias Square Von Pancake :(                                                                                                                                                                Favorite Part(s): Me and my brother played i t together all the time and we loved the combat at crux prime the most, Crux Prime was the place with the hardest enemies and bosses and it was really fun to be challenged for a while. plus though it was out for only a year we still have countless memories of it, and they added Ninjago in it which I was SUPER into at the time and enjoyed having my character do Ninjago stuff...  

Number 8: Mount and Blade: Warband                                                                    Developer and Release Year: Taleworlds, 2010                                                      What it can be played on: PC, PS4, XB1                                                                                                                                                                                                      Mount and Blade Warband and its expansion Mount and Blade Napoleonic Wars, is one of my favorite multiplayer, and story games, the story mode is fun because you can do what you want, YOU choose the faction you fight with or not to at all, your class, your stats, and you can make some uh *beautiful* characters, the main story, i believe the objective is to become the emperor of Calradia, and rule the dang place and be rich and cool and have people like you, but I dont usually do that i just fight for factions, make money in the arena and at tournaments, and hire mercenaries and win against armies of 200 with like 30 people, its fun, now second talking point for me is the multiplayer, this is where Napoleonic Wars comes in, it is a fun shooter with muskets , or swords....or screw it you can play the bagpipes, that last one is totally not something me and my friends would do late at night. The Maps are super well designed as well and each look nice, and are usually not unbalanced. The third thing is the modding community, if you have this game, and don’t have the Anglo-Zulu war mod, that is just wrong, I mean it is so fun to get your friends and survive against large waves of zulu, or have some friends with the Zulu, it is just a unique experience for me, and other mods are cool to like the Civil War mod.                                                                                                                                                                    Favorite part(s): The Story mode is awesome in the way that it was a time in m life where i was without internet for a good month or two, but i had my laptop and the story mode kept me entertained for basically the whole time, also there are so many fun memories of the AZW mod and late night spent surviving waves.  

Number 7: Lego Battles                                                                                          Developer and Release Year: Warner Bros., Hellbent and Lego, 2009                  What it can be played on: DS                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Lego Battles is also a nostalgia pick, and also happens to be a Lego game, but the difference is it still holds up to me today, and i can still play it today...any way I love the gameplay, it’s a basic RTS but with fun themes like Wizards and Knights and Pirates and Aliens vs Humans, and each has a different play style, but not too different that it didn’t confuse me as a kid, I always liked the pirates and the aliens, I dont know why, but uh a drawback is that it can be too easy, at the time I wasnt fast or good enough to beat the AI with my first base, but i quickly learned if i just escaped after the destruction of the first one and just built a stronger second one, i would have more time because the AI couldnt find me and i would win pretty much every time, but despite that I enjoyed all the campaigns and loved the cutscenes and the extra characters like Santa and the Skeleton Guy (tm) and the Conquistador and the Alien Queen etc. and the way to unlock them was to find red bricks in the campaign levels, and/or collect studs which i thought was a fun challenge at the time, and today i sometimes like to go back to it for some casual RTS action                                                                                                                                                                                                     Favorite Part: The Gameplay, it’s simple, fun, and  doesn’t take too long, so if i just want to pick up a short game of the RTS genre I usually spring for this

Number 6: Star Wars Battlefront 2 Classic                                                              Developer and Release Year: Pandemic Studios, LucasArts , 2005                      What it can be played on: PC/PS2/XBOX                                                                                                                                                                                                      The fact that this comes in at number 6 on my list really doesn’t tell how much I love and appreciate this game, this is probably THE game I played the most in my childhood, and even still I play it online with the new servers (I disagree with you sometimes Disney, but thanks for those) This game is so replayable and I haven’t even played through the campaign yet, yeah, what I have done though is beaten all the Galactic Conquest stories, probably more than once. So for those of you that don’t know Galactic Conquest is a mode where each team starts with one ship and one type of troop and you fly around a map of the galaxy and take over enemy planets and defend yours and buy troops with the money you earn from the battles, and if the two ships run in to each others then they do a space battle, and Im gonna say it now i grew up playing the PS2 version with my cousins, but now I play the PC version and when we play with our cousins they play the XBOX version on Xbox One, any way the PC version is the best in terms of FPS and general gameplay smoothness, but the console versions have Galactic Conquest multiplayer which is something that we have spent countless hours playing, and in the end Battlefront 2 will be one of the best shooters of all time, and better than the new Battlefront 2 because that one is no where near good enough to share a name with the classic one, any way, i will always love Battlefront 2                                                                                                                                                                  Favorite part(s): Galactic Conquest and shout out to the maps Kashyyyk and Tantine IV, they’re the best

Hey thanks for reading through this whole thing, uh as you can tell this was super long, i planned to do all ten in this one but i figure it’s gettimg pretty long and I’ll just stop here and I’ll have 5 through 1 tomorrow, Thank you so much!                                                                                                                -Ben :3                                                                                                                       

[tripping-on-assid]

4218

923pm

It’s been a while. So for that, there is quite a lot to catch up on. However, like always, I’ll just write until I don’t want to anymore. Don’t care for spelling, grammar, correct sentence phrasing, any of that, just my thoughts.

I want to start off by saying that while im writing this I took about half/quarter of a tab about 45 min ago. Just for the concentration. Also, so I could probably get super intense and “deep” with what I write. Im also listening to Periphery in the background and it’s nice. The amount of acid I took wasnt much...at most it was 50ugs. I used the rest of it from microdosing. Hell, I might not even feel it since I microdosed today lmao. Nonetheless, placebo never hurt anybody right? lol. And if the acid doesnt work I got some coffee

Since I last posted, back in November, shit went FUCKING DOWNNN. Since November, Royce and my mom split, we got a new house, quit my job at panera and I failed 3/4ths of my classes that semester. Royce left because of some selfish reason of how it was “god’s plan” for him to turn over houses, and my mom didnt want to deal with that so she left his ass. I got pretty fucking sad over failing my classes, as you could see I was ranting and raving how much I despised college back in November but reality got kicked into gear when I failed. Kinda sucks. My mindset was ridiculous back then, and it still is now, however back then, it was intimately superficial. However, the deeper I got with philosophy and spirituality and all that shit, I kinda wanted to step up my game. 

Weird shit can happen to you, and weird thoughts come into play when you’re naive. And like, Im still 19. Im not granted with all this wisdom but I respect and value education. Knowledge. Discomfort. You see, how amazing would it be to just, trip on shrooms or L every few weeks, thinking about your life and thinking about all the crazy questions in life and actually have it set. How amazing would it be to smoke weed and do the same thing, everyday? Seems great, however, that isnt the best way to live. I lived it and honestly im still kinda living it. I quit working so the only obligation really I have is school and thats every other day. Living thankfully from my tax return and financial aid reimbursement. But even that is spent on shit like weed, which I blow through pretty quick. 

I italicized the word discomfort from the last paragraph because a lot of my role models talk about that, PsychedSubstance, and especially Jordan Peterson have spread that message. And like, that message is honestly everywhere “no pain, no gain” “smooth sails dont make good sailors(something like that)”, I mean, it’s everywhere. But, I took a good look into it and kinda really get the meaning of it. That’s what I like to do, I like to grab ideas by the crouch and examine tf outta them. Nonetheless, the discomfort idea is pretty solid. Jordan Peterson elaborates on the synonym of suffering though.

+Trip report: I think I kinda am feeling it, very slight visual distortions and lighting intensity. 

Anyways! Thats another thing Id like to talk about, psychedelics. I mean, when do i not, but, I told myself and my girlfriend (we’re still together and we’re going pretty good! In fact we’ve gotten much much closer since November) that I would  take a break from psychedelics after I had a 5g shroom trip that was wayyyy too intense for me. I said I wouldn’t do hallucinogens until april 8th, and guess what? I didnt fall through. Because guess what? It isnt april 8th yet. In fact I’ve microdosed twice. Sooooo, I broke that promise. And that brings in a problem, who do i go to when I cant tell my girlfriend stuff? Why cant i?  Why are there some things that I should keep private and why am i keeping this a secret? I dont know but it feels much better to type this out than to live without it being somewhere.   So youre probably thinking how I couldnt keep my word, well let me tell you a story and end with a self analysis.

So about a week ago I got back into town from visiting the day with my grandmother/aunt/cousin/mother for my grandmother’s birthday bash. I was pretty bummed I had to go (even though i had a pretty good time there, we played scategories, it was fun) because i was missing emo night in daytona! Well, I got back into town enough to see half of it and my friend Mashal ( i bought L off of him before, me and him are pretty good acquaintances) asked me if i wanted a tab. I was like “aw hell yeah but I dont have any $” and he was like “its fine bro here you go enjoy” 

So right when i got it i was ecstatic. It’s like i couldnt wait until april 8th. It was in my hand, I couldve tripped that night, but i knew i had a promise to keep. A promise id eventually break but, it gave me so much more passion in life. The hobby of reading about trip reports, about being able to trip again, it was just. So.Fucking.Interesting. like honestly, tripping is so profound. I mean hell, Im on a little bit of acid rn. 

And that leads me to the analysis and honestly I dont know if thats good or bad. I dont know what to think about that. Because i know my attitude shifted considerably from no desire to trip to wanting to trip hella bad. Getting back into trip reports, reading about different combos with weed and other substances. I missed it. And honestly, that kind of worries me a bit. Because my passion is what? Learning about and doing psychedelics? 

It’s so weird because I tripped a lot last winter, once every few weeks, if not every one to two weeks. And even though it was so profound, I got HPPD. And i think that really fucked with my brain. Theres this fog i get in my head, foggy/cloudy mindset. Where focusing, thinking, talking, doing stuff is a bit more...complex than it is usually. I think i suffered a bit of disassociation too. I would constantly think I wasnt myself, that maybe I was just some vessel, or some robot just doing mundane tasks. It was the weirdest feeling ever. However, I was going through a lot like...I was pretty fucking sad. So HPPD with depression wasnt the best. I was sad I was moving, I was sad my parents broke up, and I was especially sad over failing my classes, and...i also got into two car crashes, both within a month. So, I felt like doodoo. But which came first? the chicken or the egg? Did i get sad because of the psychedlics and then had a crash or did i have a crash and then get super sad? either way, i was a mess. And leaving psychedelics out  was uncomfortable because I remember doing shrooms once because I  had problems to fix. But my mood and my mind couldnt handle psychedelics. And I dismissed them, but after Mashal gave me that tab, I felt the same passion I had last winter over psychedelics again. And I was just so happy that I would trip again soon. 

So that happened. In fact, April 7th is when im planning on tripping, Kyle (ex panera employee also Journeys best friend...crazy!) is planning on coming over to journeys and we gonna trip, smoke weed, and chill and I told him i wanted to go see nature and stuff. Im also on a break from weed so when I do smoke on saturday, my tolerance will be 0 and I will have an intense af experience. Im ready. 

Also, this is my like, 3rd night at my mom’s house, and 1st night with the computer back. So maybe ill hit you guys up later with maybe something more thought out, but this is my entry! till next time

[suchstarryseas-blog]

I remembered where I'd actually been going with that last post. Nice!

There's always gonna be things I'm not good at that are entirely possible, too. Goddess knows I've tried to learn instruments. Can't ever place my fingers correctly. I've tried learning to cook, Filled a house up with gas, made something out of cheese that looked like it might've been human, once. Im no good at math, or remembering history, Teachers weren't ever really my biggest fans. There are things I'm not good at, though, and there are things I've been trying so hard to be better at. Not even good. Just better. I've been trying to eat a bit better, been walking more, been doing more magic. I've been focusing on healthy weight loss, and trying so damn hard not to fall into so many old habits. I've been trying to go out more, even just relatively alone, tried not to shut down and fence everyone off. Those things are all things I can work on myself, though. Things I can do alone. Some things, though, I don't know how to get better at. I've never been good at talking, for instance. As a kid, I'd get in trouble for things I said, things I didn't say. I remember getting hit a lot. I didn't answer a question? Hit. I didn't answer fast enough? Hit. I didn't answer how they wanted me to? Hit. I didn't answer how they wanted to without seeming like I was lying? Hit. I'd get hit so often for speaking that eventually I just didn't speak. I'd talk to Logan, my brother. I'd talk to my friends. But at home, I would creep around the house in silence, down to the kitchen for water, out to the yard to read, up to my room to stay out of sight. I developed this fear of talking, but it was... And is... More complicated than that. The hitting was one thing. The silence spun into worse and worse situations. No matter what I did, it was always wrong, no matter what I said it was the worst thing to say. But the thing that made it all into how I am today was the things they'd say. "We just want what's best for you." "We wouldn't do this if we didn't care." "We love you. We want you to do better." "We want you to be safe." Over time, it would evolve, and so would I. In the middle, I was conflicted and confused. I'd choke on my words and cry, the room would get darker as panic set in, Spinning, making me feel dizzy and sick and like I was on fire. They'd demand words but my mind would race, and unable to decide what they wanted to hear, I'd drift into this cycle of worry and knowing I had to say something, but never being able to, knowing they were getting angrier. "Why won't you just talk to us?" Silence, crying. Hit. "It's just a simple question." Silence, choking. "I..." "I what?" Silence. Hit. Eventually I found I would be less panicked, that it would all end more quickly, if I didn't even try to think of anything to say. If they didn't ask something I could nod or shake my head in response to, then I wouldn't bother putting in the effort to respond. I was hit often, but the talks became shorter. "Why didn't you do well on this test?" Shrug. "That's not a real fucking answer." I'd stare until they were uncomfortable. They'd talk to fill the silence, and I'd know they did so because they didn't know what else to do. Around then was when I started to be proud, when I turned it into a game. Hit. "Why are you failing this class?" I'd shrug. "Have you been skipping your homework?" Nod. "Why?" Shrug. They started giving me choices, occasionally, as I got older. "Clean the whole house, or grounded for a week?" I'd stay inside for a week, as far as they knew. If I chose cleaning, it'd never be good enough- I'd have to do it over and over until a week had gone, anyway. "Do you want to be grounded, or hit?" They learned to interpret long stares. "Grounded for a month, or hit?" "Hit." Eventually they decided nodding was disrespectful and forbidden. So I didn't speak. Didn't panic. Didn't cry. Snuck out when I could. They started grounding me, reguardless of what I had or hadn't done. Hitting me when they felt I'd done anything at all- left a cup of water in my room, forgotten to take the trash out, flicked my brother and made him angry. Talks became longer again as they struggled to fill the silence. I was studying at the table once when my dad came into the living room. I'd been hit two days before and nobody had talked to me since. "---, we love you. We know something must be going on. Something must have happened. Was it the last time you went to your mom's?" He'd asked. Silence. I'd glanced up at Felix, who was glaring holes into my father's forehead. " You know you can talk to us, right? You know that. If something happened, something you remember, or even something that just didn't feel right..." I turn in my chair, away from my work, and stare at him, silent. "We worry about you. Just know you can talk to us." He'd left, after that. It was one of the few times I'd ever seen him with tears in his eyes, and I wondered a long time how long hed suspected I'd been molested. Felix had laughed, in his bitter sort of way, about how my dad thought it was just something from a long time ago. His family was always so much better than my birth mom's. He had no reason to think otherwise. I considered telling him everything. About Felix, how depression wasnt all that was going on, about the two cousins who molested me when I was young, about the one who still was, every weekend. I thought about it for a couple weeks. I thought about telling him I wanted to go back to therapy again. That I was ready to really talk about things. To try and get better. I was silent for two weeks. Debating. Worrying. Felix was worried, too. That I'd be put on the wrong shit if I talked about him, locked up somewhere, electricity pumped through my brain. "They'll drug you out of your goddamn mind, if you aren't careful." One morning before school, I went into my dad's room in my PJs. Red, soft material pants, tied with torn red ribbon, torn at the bottom from walking on the ends of them all the time. A green day t shirt, faded and worn, a gift from my mom when she'd been ready to get rid of it. It was spring. "Dad?" "No, you can't stay home from school. I already told your brother. Just because mom's at work doesn't mean everyone gets a day off." He'd let us stay home once and a while, then, sometimes we'd work on things around the house together. The room he was in was one of those projects. When Jenna's grandma died, I hadn't been invited to the funeral. He'd let me stay home the whole week she and Logan were gone, and we'd painted every room in the house. My room had been purple berry, full of tiny silver flecks. Logan's was a sky blue. My dad's room was this dark, golden yellow, with one dark red wall. "Can I talk to you about something?" "Sure. Is everything okay?" I'd sat next to him on the bed. I'd always been bad at talking, and when I'd finally decided to talk, to really talk about everything, important things, things I didn't know how to talk about, didn't have a right answer for, couldn't nod or shake my head or shrug or be silent... I didn't tell a single person in the world, aside from Felix, and eventually Kayden, what my dad did. Not until I was eighteen and out of his home, away from him and Jenna. I was in the eighth grade, when he did what he did. Afterwards, I'd gone to my room, grabbed my backpack, and started stuffing clothes in it. I was set on going to Kristen's house. He'd popped his head in, told me I wasn't going anywhere, and left the room again. Id put the bag down. Logan and I stayed home from school that day. And I stayed home the day after. I spent hours in the shower, but couldn't get clean. I wanted to go. I was ready to go anywhere, but I couldn't leave Logan. He was too young. He NEEDED me. Who else would make him snacks every Sunday morning? Would help him turn his toybox into a slide? Jenna started mentioning that I looked dead inside, all the time. Sometimes I'd get so tired, so low, that I'd lose my place in things. I stayed up at night afraid, Felix pacing around my room. Sometimes I'd get too worried and sleep in my closet or under my bed. He came into my room three nights. I started sleeping in classes, sitting out in gym. Sometimes I'd forget where I was, who I was, what was real. Sometimes it was like I was standing next to myself, which makes a lot more sense, now. Felix, when he was there, that year, did everything he could. He was the one who reminded me to eat, to drink. When the disconnect got so bad I started hurting myself to feel like I existed, he was the one who knew how to take care of it all, keep it all clean. He felt like he was leaving soon. If I remember right, it was after July Fourth, that year. He pushed it off as long as he could. He tried so hard to stay. But then he was gone again, and I was there alone, unable to remember him, not sure how I'd learned to take care of myself and alone enough that sometimes I didn't bother. I told nobody else until I'd left the house. I was eighteen. In eighth grade, I'd have been fourteen, or so. Four years of not sleeping at night, of keeping a bell tied to my door, of not being able to have both my ears covered, of waking up to any sort of noise and wondering if I was about to be killed and kept quiet or raped. I moved out, and when my dad had to move in with my uncle, I gave him grocery and gas money so that Logan would have food when he went to visit. I've never been good at talking, not out loud. For a lot of my life, the only person I ever talked to didn't have to hear my physically speak to know what I needed said. The person I went through trauma besides, the person who took care of me and kept me here, never needed real words. For a while, I couldn't do it, even after leaving that house. I would write out messages to friends when important subjects came up, holding the phone up for them to read. In an argument, I'd text the person sitting next to me as they talked. My friends grew used to it, usually. To silence interrupted by bright screens. It's always been easier for me to talk this way, it probably always will be. Typing things out gives me time to reread, rephrase, to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. This whole thing might seem like an excuse, or a tangent, which is ridiculous since I really am writing just for me, tonight, but it's not that. There are things I'm not good at. There are pictures of characters that make me walk faster down crowded sidewalks in midday. There are sentences that can set me off, launching me into gross, unexplained stretches of panicked silence I have no control over. There are tunes that make my eyes go wide, make me pick at my nails until they bleed, make me dizzy and sick and empty all at once. If you tickle me, I'll burst into tears. If you tickle me because something serious happened, or I sound serious and you're trying to cheer me up, I'll want to kill myself. There are things I'm not good at that don't make sense. Things I'm not good at that I could be good at. Things I have every chance to be good at and won't be. But talking has always been the hardest. I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry for everyone who ever tries to talk to me. I'm sorry for everyone who gets frustrated when I fall into the habit of being quiet and talking through a screen; I was raised to believe that a wrong word or bad response can literally hurt me, and being able to see my words makes me feel more calm. I'm sorry to everyone who I ever nod or shake my head at; I know it's not much of anything at all, but sometimes I don't know what to say and get too afraid to say anything. I'm sorry for the people who deal with my silence; the long stretches of putting off meetings, or conversations, the inability to make words happen, the inability to explain myself. For most of my life, I wasn't given the chance. I still fall into the obsession over choosing my words carefully. Talking isn't something I've ever been good at. It might never be. But it's one of the things I've been trying really, really hard to get better at, at least. And whether there's more than one person who can really see the progress I've made, I'm damn proud of it. Go me.