#going to be litigious on my own tumblr blog for a minute
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#i need to be childish and rant some more about this thing#i talked to a mutual friend — the poet of our group— and she advised me to repair things with this friend i had a Thing with last week#and the adult intellectual side of me who has a modicum of emotional intelligence knows she’s right#i know it#but GOD. does anyone else feel like their well of grace is running dry?#the thing about being The Good Kid is that I am always reaching first#it always falls to me#and like god I can’t remember the last time someone has reached for me. because I am worth the effort of repair#and I am TIRED. and I just want to be wanted as a friend for a goddamn second#going to be litigious on my own tumblr blog for a minute#because I am the wronged party here. she was the one who leapt at me#and honestly made me feel like she thought so little of me. after all the years we’ve known each other#i was open and vulnerable with her through a really hard fucking time for me#and I didn’t think she would ever use it as ammo against me but she DID#so why does the repair have to fall to ME#and I know — I know that sitting and waiting for her to talk first is childish and I could be waiting for a long long time#i know that is ultimately unproductive and doesn’t get anyone anywhere#(just like i know this friend is working through some deep deep shit)#(and my shit is lesser)#i know all this AND YET#I want to be petulant and pathetic because I never get to let the line down ever and I’m exhausted is everyone else exhausted#but it’s also like. this friendship this group is for fucking life and i really mean that#i am just—— UGH#anyway this is the anguish occupying my brain this wed evening#also i am afraid to reach out because what if i inadvertently hurt her and what if#what if reaching out only gives her an opening to hurt me again?
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