#going completely by myself wouldnt be ideal for . my anxiety. but i WOULD DO IT. I WOULD DO IT

[heliianth]

my mom might not let me go to sonic symphony bc i dont have any irls that would go with me this shit SUCKS

[tsunderedoctor]

*pops in* hii! I hope i can still ask for the match up. I... I may have go over the edge with this.. but the last time i ask for match up i had to add some stuff so.. I am really not sure how long or short it should be and I hope i did not somehow messed it up 🥺. I am sorry if I did.

---

I am INFP. I love helping people and it took me some time to learn that I need to take care of myself too. When i was 14 I was forced to step up and take care of household and several sick family members so now, in adulthood I have hard time with feeling okay when i am sick.

I love music, I used to dance for 14 years but had to stop. Lately I am learning how to sing. I can play soprano recorder too.

I am the shoulder to cry on for my friends, but also the type who you can call when there is a dead body to hide xD. I can and will protect my friends - even tho i am only 153cm lol. Tiny.

I struggle with selflove, depression, insomnia and anxiety but I am learning. I have bunch of scars and its long process of not hating them.

I was told I am the "mum friend" 😅.

I am crazy, usually tomboy, girl, who is shy with new people(and especially around a bunch of people.. social anxiety am i right) but absolutely batshit crazy when you will get to know me. Amd sweet. I like to think that i am kind, nice and sweet. (But does not take a bullshit..sometimes)

---

Have a lovely day! I hope you slept good.

How are you?

Bye ❤️

(p.s. pls dont push yourself if you wouldnt feel like doing this)

I completely relate to most of this, my love, so I feel it! Just know you are beautifully amazing and I love you and love having you around~!

Shanks

Shanks is a good noodle and one of your ideal matches based off your personality! He will be great for your moments of self doubt and self hatred as he will remind you how amazing you are! He hates when people ridicule the things he loves, and that includes you! 

He also understands being the “parent” of the crew, while he may appear childish, he has a lot of maturity to him and can be a great resource for people when they want to vent or talk about their feelings, and that means for you too! 

He also is an extrovert, so he doesn’t mind talking for you or being your translator! He can also sense when enough is enough and swish you away from all the craziness!

Sanji

Sanji is another one of your ideal matches and another extrovert! I think he would be great to help build your confidence as he loves everything about you and if you tell him something makes you uncomfortable, he listens! 

He also knows what it’s like not like yourself and self esteem issues, so he lets you know he loves you and will do his best to be understanding and comfort you! 

He’s also a big brother figure to Chopper and sometimes Luffy, so he can see and admire you for being the mom in the friend group, he will joke he is the dad and gets all blushy after! 

Boa

Boa is the best girl and is also the best girl for you!! She understands the self doubt and depression, though she masks hers under arrogance, she has her moments where only you can see her true colors. 

She is loyal to a T and will never give you reason to doubt her which will help with you confidence and self esteem! She wants you to see how beautiful you are and will do anything in her power to show you it!

She might not understand your need to help others, but she does admire you for it! However, she wants you to be careful not to get taken advantage of and will do her best to guard you from any potential danger!!

[patheticfrogarchive]

anyway tw for me talking abt my asshole 

ANYWAY update on my anxious breakdown re: my colon and asshole. my ass is bleeding like its BLEEDING for about a month now every 2-7 days ill go to either pee or poop, wipe, and then wipe again, and theres a tiny lil spot of blood. and i kNOW its not from my uterus bc 1) im not on my period every day of my life 2) i specifically like. pat my hole to see. like it was a TINY amount to begin with i mean i wouldnt even have noticed it if i wasnt specifically looking for it and it was always just one dot and thats it. never mixed in w my pee or poop that i could see, never randomly throughout the day, always jsut one lil dot

BUT OF COURSE im paranoid so i fucking ordered an at home lab test colon cancer screen so i shat in a box and mailed it in and SURPRISE they found no blood in my shit nothing wrong with me and youd THINK that combined w my 100% normal bloodwork would finally calm me down but NO im still worried

i dont actually know the human body anatomically but i remembver reading something that was like “ur colon is on ur left” so magically  a few weeks ago i started feeling like. a vague ache/twinge/whatever in my left side like up near my chest and like of course i go “fuck its my colon im dying” even tho my dad was like “you stupid thats not where ur colon is”. amazing that i only started feeling something after expecting to feel soemthing

anyway my parents are convinced its a hemorrhoid and my mom has a LOT of experience with those so like, she would know. anyway yesterday my asshole like, felt itchy and bad and uncomf and i felt like there was something like... slipping out of it??? anyway my mom says thats a hemorrhoid and sure whatever but im still freaked out. anyway today at work i went to drop a turd and my ass bled that little dot and i was like ‘ok thats a little more than usual’ and i patted AGAIN and there was more blood. and more. and like, ok it wasn’t actually a lot like its not like i was bleeding out  and it wasnt gushing or anything but compared to the previous times it was more, but also im finishing up my period so ??? but also i specifically only patted my butthole. and it happened every single time i went to the bathroom at work, even if i just pissed. and my asshole felt like, scraped raw and it was itchy and uncomf and i hated it. 

so during my lunch break i called my doctor and made an appointment to get examined in like 2 weeks which. im obviuously GONNA do it bc while this is prob just a combo of shitty retail rough toilet paper, me rubbing too hard, and me giving myself a hemorrhoid by straining too hard a month ago, id rather be safe than sorry. but also i am NOT looking forward to having a FUCKING FINGER up my ASSHOLE i barely managed to get thru my first vaginal exam a few months ago idk how im gonna get thru a fucking finger up my goddamn ass

and also when i got home i was like ‘ok im gonna check my asshole in the mirror and its gonna bleed i bet but at least ill see it’ fufcking nothing. no bleeding, magically not itchy and raw anymore, i even got some toilet paper and rubbed at it but??? nothing??? and like idk what an asshole is supposed to feel like but everything seems completely normal lmfao. tho sometimes it feels like. not liek my ass is gonna fall out but like. like theres a tiny thing in my ass thats ABOUT to come out but when i go to try and poop it out nothing will come and i dont actually feel like i need to do a whole poop. its like somethings stuck in my hole but there isnt anything??? anyway that feeling comes and goes like i had it a month ago and then it went away afte rlike 3 days but its back  now and ugh

anyway my current hypothesis is that its just shitty target sandpaper toilet paper ripping my asshole to shreds and also a hemorrhoid that i gave myself. but also i cant help but worry bc im fucking bleeding from my asshole and im terrified im gonna die at the ripe age of 23 of colon and/or asshole cancer.

i also have had like. not a headache not dizzyness but SLIGHT ever so slight like. lightheadedness? idk i feel off headwise so of course im like “oh my god im anemic bc im bleeding internally” even tho my bloodtests from like a month ago showed that if anything ihave MORE red blood cells compared to last time i got tested and im not in fact anemic. but also idk anything medical and so of course im like “BUT WHAT IF THINGS HAVE CHANGED” anyway in an ideal world i would probably be getting a blood test every week bc im fucking paranoid.

 i have also been sleeping horribly due to anxiety lately so im prob just tired but bASICALLY IM STRESSED LMFAO 

if anyone read all this. sorry. 

[skyscribbles]

Plans for 2018

I say ‘plans’ cause lord knows what’s gonna happen but!! Better to plan and try than give up just because I’m not sure. Anyway it may be long so I’m gonna ramble it below the cut

First major plan:

Work on a set schedule

I feel like I can get a little bit lost because I don’t have STRUCTURE anymore. Working in a classroom or general work environment did me so many wonders, cause my brain could snap into a work-mode. Unfortunately I don’t really have access to that kind of thing anymore, so I have to set it myself. 

The basic plan is:

Monday: Sketches Wednesday: Linework Friday: Color/Finish

This can apply to commissions or personal works! If I have multiple commissions, I can send off multiple sketch stages on Monday, try to get lineart done on Wednesday, finish ‘em by Friday, etc! Tuesdays and Thursdays would be sort of free-drawing days where I can doodle or have fun.

That’d be one drawing a week at the least which is!! Ideal!

Saturdays and Sundays might be study dedicated? So I can kind of keep myself on the ball, while still getting work done. Of course I’ll have to factor in IRL stuff and anything that gets in the way, but if I can get at least something done each of these days, it’ll be good enough. 

100 Theme Challenge

I opened a folder on DeviantART for a 100 theme challenge! I’m gonna try to make complete pieces for it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish all 100, but I’m gonna try! If I can manage one piece every week, I can get it done in less than 2 years... /dies

Which should be a good show of my progress. Of course I’ve taken on many challenges before and have fallen short, but ATTEMPTING challenges is better than not, cause even if I do fall out of it, I still have work done that I wouldnt have done before! So there isn’t much to lose, and some to gain!

Get Some Kind of Project Going

Patreon sadly is probably not going to happen in the near future until i can get some personal stuff settled, but I did consider maybe trying to open a Redbubble store! I have to research proper printing colors/formats and the like so my products wont be cheaply put together, but that’s a possibility!  I may also do something with my Ko-Fi! Probably simple commissions if people donate or something! I’ll worry about that later.

I’d do a comic but honestly I am not any sort of comic artist. I haven’t shown much interest and passion for it, and I know it’s something you absolutely NEEEEEED to be passionate about to even hope to finish. It doesn’t mean I wont ever try a short comic or two that’ll be like, 2-3 pages! But a long running series is not in my future.

Stream....Eventually

This one’s part tech issues and part anxiety issues. 

I kind of hate being WATCHED when I draw cause it makes me stiffen up really bad and then I can’t quite draw as easily, and then THAT makes me worry all my stuff is turning out bad in front of everyone and that I’m a sham of an artist, blablabla etc, and I know it’s something I’ll HAVE to get past eventually. But I’m gonna take baby steps on this one. Maybe I’ll try to upload Youtube videos or something of me drawing once I can learn some basic video editing!

And Finally, Try To Get Over Myself

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS MEAN LMAO but hear me out:

I have, a lot of issues with anxiety still. Even sharing works can make me nervous and tense cause I get hard on myself if I worked SUPER hard on something and just comes out...subpar. I have to work on getting over these fears, and learning to not get so personal with every drawing. It’s mostly on me and a mental thing I have to work out, but I want to become courageous and post more, even if it ends up garbage! At least people can see that I’m not always at the top of my game, and it’s fine to have drawings that just aren’t as good.

No artist is always at 100%. I don’t expect that from others and I shouldn’t expect that from myself. Not to say I wanna be LAZY but, just learn to forgive myself if I screw up a drawing... 8′D;

ANYWAY THATS THE RAMBLE, here’s hoping I can stick to at least most of this!! And see y’all in 2018!!

[habibialkaysani]

therewas-a-girl

replied to your post

“@therewas-a-girl yeah and I’ve been trying to reassure myself of that...”

To be completely fair with u, i dont trust ur parents judjment in saying ure on the wrong path bc lets be honest, they have zero knowlege of the field. They wouldnt k ow ifnits wrong ir right for you its simply not their area of expertise. Not to mention the fact that they might even say that not cause its true or cause they really think its wrong for u but bc they had sth else in mind for you. And this is not law. Its not weong just bc its not law

yeah, I said that to them, and they said “when we were your age we would never dared disobey our parents” and how they’ve both been on this earth longer than me and therefore I should listen to them.

therewas-a-girl

replied to your post

“@therewas-a-girl yeah and I’ve been trying to reassure myself of that...”

Idk about ur uncle and how much u can trust his word either. Like, why does he even think that? Why would this - the one thing that makes u happy and that u want to do - be wrong for u? Why?

he says - and so do my parents - that I’ve invested a lot of time in law so I shouldn’t just ditch it. and when I said it was literally causing my anxiety going to my internship, my aunt’s response was that I need to deal with what’s causing the anxiety rather than running away from it, not realising that the internship was the cause of the anxiety. like I kind of got where she was coming from but I don’t feel like I was running away from my problems? idk, it’s hard to explain.

also. maybe it’s just the law firms I was at but I encountered a lot of homophobia when I was interning. in an ideal world I would like to be out to my colleagues at the very least, but I can’t do that when I’m literally fearing for my safety just at the thought of telling anyone I work with that I’m not straight. even the job I’m at now - it’s not safe for me to say anything, and I hate that and feel suffocated by that. so one of the reasons interning caused me so much anguish was actually because I couldn’t fully be myself at work. but obviously I can never tell my family that.

@therewas-a-girl replied to your post “@therewas-a-girl yeah and I’ve been trying to reassure myself of that...”

Whats his reason for saying that why does he think so? Idk. I think you have a good way of putting concepts and ideas to word and paper. I think u love this and i think that makes u better at what u do. I think youre determined and that u might get discouraged but u know what it is to fight hard. I think u can adapt. Ur family gets all kinds of compromises from you. They can’t have this too. They should stay in their lane

thank you. I mean I like to think I’m not half bad at the whole writing lark and it’s really nice to hear it from you. I just wish that my family would realise that this is what I love.

[acefaerie]

I think its really understandable that a lot of younger people sort of assuming that somehow not having an attraction to others is seen as a virtue especially by religious groups. 

When i was a teen my lack of interest in relationships was seen by the adults in my life that “oh she is just shy” “she’s been a good girl and focusing on school work” and tbh that was the narrative i told myself.  

except, looking back there was an underlying concern from adults that I was “missing out” on the Ideal Teen Romance TM. I got hints of it when ever I made a new male friend. “Oh he looks like he might be your type.” followed by a hopeful smile. after a while i got the “Its okay if you like girls” because i think by this time my parents had realised “she’s really not that interested in boys is she”.

but these instances were mild, my parents, specifically my mother who is “liberal” mind you, and had many close female friends who were lesbian and bi, kept out of my way. I was doing well at school, i was a “good girl”. So for me i think i get why some young people don’t understand the pressure for people to pair up because when you are in highschool if there is pressure its from peers and generally parents consider you to be “just a late bloomer”. But this is my experience, which was.. 15 years ago, and the world has changed quickly and drastically it may be different for others. It may also be that i am privileged in coming grom a generally accepting family, that is not religious, that would have accepted without question any girls I brought home (in fact i was asked if i wanted to).

My peer group generally either made jokes about my lack of interest or assumed i was gay. the general knowledge around school was i was gay, even my guy friends who never asked me also just.. assumed that was the case. I was lucky in the sense that like my mother most of my friends were either bi themselves and therefore didn’t care or pretty liberal minded. so i was cushioned... except for this one girl Tanya. She was homophobic and hated me because of it, i know this because i overheard her complaining about me one time and it generally was about how she had interpreted any causual friendly touch i had with my other friends as “creepy and weird”. I was forced to spend time with her because one of my “best” friends  was really good friends with her (who we have another story about but its only slightly related to this) and wanted us to hang out all the time. 

Tanya made my last year of highschool hell. She poisoned friends against me, and created a sort of social outcasting that left me without a support group. I was unlucky that a lot of my out bi friends who accepted me dropped out the previous year for various reasons. So i was left with the only people who sort of hung out with me being the largely straight (or closeted best friend who when she did start dating a girl, did so in secretl) acquaintances of those friends, who were easily convinced by Tanya to drop me from the group.

but here is the thing. I never called myself gay, (a am a pan/bi ace yes but at the time the only thing i ever said or did was say “Im not really interested in boys” because I really didnt know what i was) just not being interested  was enough for Tanya. 

besides  my awful experience with Tanya I get why teens think “not being interested” puts a pretty light target on your back. even if my parents were disappointed i didnt experience the “ideal teen romance TM” it wasnt a huge concern. The bullying a recieved from Tanya is also ambigious because she was exactly the kind of bigot who was bigoted against everyone who was different she was basically the epotime of what prejudice people talk about when they talk about the “prejudice tree” where a bigotted person who is biggeted against one thing is bigotted against most things that are different from them.

What was my point. Oh, yes. in highschool the main negative reactions i got were from people sharing frustration and disappointment about me dating (though the “late bloomer” thought pretty much silenced this crowd) and the more aggressive lot who were homophobic and i fit enough of the criteria for them to consider me a target.

The first negative thing, the frustration and disapointment, as an ace i think that has become more impactful the older I have got. The pressure started to hit hard in my twentie. “Something is wrong with you” reactions from people grew the more i became “clearly an adult” Friends who were fine in highschool suddenly treated me like i was a kid who didn’t know anything about anything because “i hadn’t had a relationship or sex what do i know about being an adult”. My parents, though well meaning became more and more worried abut what was wrong with me.

Omg the relief they felt when i had a relationship that lasted two weeks (where i cried the whole time and barely even kissed the person).

relationships and sex are treated by our society as a right of passage for becoming an adult. So its fine to be a late bloomer, but thats what these people think you are “a late bloomer” not fully complete yet, still growing.

my mother who was so supportive in my teens and early twenties started letting her anxiety about me leak through when i spent most of my 20s not even “just single” but actively not looking I think she even once told me she just wanted me to have the experience of a real relationship, after i had one that was online (which was like having one without having to touch a person which i enjoyed, until he came over and there was touching and i didn’t enjoy it as much anymore because both I and he forced me into sexual situations i was not ready for but had been convinced by everyone i knew that that is what you did if you were in a relationship) after him i felt physically ill if i knew a person found me attractive so actively avoided being “too sexy” so people wouldnt.

the first healthy relationship slightly romantic relationship i had was a Queer platonic one, with a woman. Everyone knew we were in love, even my professors. but it remained platonic and honestly helped free me from all the toxic stuff that happened before. Im still incredably close to her. 

at this time though I was in my mid to late thirties, and my families comments had become less “you are too picky” to “Im worried you will never find someone” “you are nearly 30″ “what if you want kids you can’t leave it too late”. 

its all small stuff but it mounts up. its mirco-aggressions that become deafening. Im childish because i don;t like sex i need to grow up, im weird im wrong im mistaken im making my parents sad, why can’t i be who they want me to be, my mother crying because she just wants me to have a special person but never understanding that my QPR WAS my special person because to her that was just a friend, people saying i don’t know what i want, people saying im a loser cos they never see me dating, people telling me they ” think being single is a sign of failure” people telling me that when they call me a prude its an insult and im weird if i dont feel bad for being a prude, people telling me i should be interested, “don’t you find him attractive”, “sex is amazing what do you mean you dont like it”,” i think you are just scared of love”, “you must be a closet lesbian”, “your just a straight faking for attention.” “why are you trying to date normal people isnt there a website for people like you?” “its not our fault there arent many of you”, “your a bad girlfriend if you don’t like kissing he/she will be hurt if you wipe the saliva away or if you say you arent attracted to them”, “you don’t understand what love is” “you are confused” “you are sick, see a doctor”, “you’re abusive,” “ you don;t know what you are talking about”, “your sick, is it a hormone deficiency” “HAH you don’t like sex just get married then you wont get any”, “how can you not feel attracted then,” your abusive if you have sex but not sexually attracted”, “you’re abusive if you dont have sex cos you are with-holding from the other person”, “it's okay if you dont want sex for now know but thats just how relationships progress”, “Why don't you like him he likes you, “” Im worried you are going to be alone for ever” 

The pressure of it used to keep me up at night where i felt i was FAILING everyone i knew because i just couldn't bring myself to feel that way about another person. I became deeply depressed. It was the main reason i considered suicide.

when i finally did enter a relationship again after two years of EVERYONE pushing for it. that pressure stopped in so far as people stopped pressuring me to be with him, but now i feel like i have to pretend to be normal so people will leave me alone, and i feel like part of me is lying to myself.

I worry about falling back into unhealthy patterns where i play the role of girlfriend just so i can stop people from knowing im weird. The only saving grace is this time my partner and I know im asexual. He doesn’t quite understand it but he respects my boundaries. still part of me feels like this relationship is a compromise. he doesn't get it completely even though he tries.  he treats me well and i love him,  Its just getting to this point my twenties were years of me ripping up my insides because of all the things society was saying to me. I felt trapped between the fear of being alone and the fear of having to force myself into a relationship again. 

So i get why young people dont get what negativity you can face for being aro/ace but thats because the virtue of being disinterested is only a virtue if its temporary. and even then don’t underestimate the power of bigots to sniff out a difference to target you for.

[i-amusemyself]

All Emoji Asks.

🐰 what is one secret youve never told anyone?I don't really have that many secrets. I guess theres a side of my personality that I spend a lot of energy supressing like hell that I hate with a passion.💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?Right now? My best friend right next to me or my friend back home.🐹 what are some of your favourite pokemons and why?I mean, I only ever played pokemon go, but from that I loved the squirtles and the evees just bc theyre cute af🌠 if you were in charge of the world what would it be like?A lot more chilled out. Chill pills would be mandatory.👀 what was the most recent vivid dream you had?Okay I had two freaking weird ones the other night?In one I was a 10 y/o muslim girl going to a new primary school and while I was there I started raising money for a cancer charity.In the other I was taking a really hard A level maths exam and getting stressed and mad bc everyone kept talking and I couldnt finish it in time.☀ what do you like most about your best friend?EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Idk, I guess how forgiving and layed back she is. She always tries to understand and see things from your point of view.😘 talk about your crush or partnerLmao I'm alone 😂 I do have a crush but its a million miles from mutual so like, shes amazing but boi it hurts 😂💁 if someone was rude to you would you be rude back?Depends on how well I know them and what they're like tbh. I'll banter, but I avoid confrontation.🌟 what do you like about yourself? (3 things)😂😂😂 wow erm...1. I always try and put in all the energy I have if someone/something needs it2. I make loads of terrible puns its gr93. I really dont have any other qualities idk🐾 what are you scared of most? How will you overcome it?👏 I'm terrified of abandonment 👏 aaaand as of yet I have no idea how to deal with it ngl🎁 what never fails to make you happy?Really good stand up commedy or my favourite music💙 what annoys you about some people?Their complete lack of self-awareness. Idk, maybe I'm low key jealous too but srsly some people????😤 do you get angry easily?Yeah. I keep pretty good tabs on it so you probs wouldnt know it, but if something upsets me, chances are I'm hella pissed too.🐇 what do you always daydream about?Dramatic and upsetting situations or drunk situations 😂🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?1. Sort out equality and all that jazz2. Divide up the land more equally, bc it pisses me off that some people are living in tiny cramped shacks and others have 100 mile square farms.3. End capitalism and with that make all necessary services free.🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?Anon?✈ what is your dream city and why?I mean Ive always wanted to go to copenhagen but theres no guarantee its gonna be my fave. My fave so far is Amsterdam bc its so peaceful and the architecture is to die for.☕ talk about your ideal day?Spend it with my best friend/crush. Lay in bed late and be lazy and watch good TV/movies. Maybe go out in the afternoon to not go stir crazy and entertain ourselves. Stay up kinda late talking about deep shit, lying underneath the stars.🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?Ambivert!💧 when was the last time you cried?Yesterday lmao 😂 i havent gone more than 2 days without crying in the past week 😧 I just got myself into a nice Depression Episode.🎵 name 5 songs you like atm?Argh I havent listened to music in so long (7 days...) umm so things i wanna listen to- youth by daughter- voices by Motionless in white- living dead girl by rob zombie- corpse roads by keaton hensen- lost boy by troye sivan⚡ if you had any superpower what would it be and why?Mind reading bc my anxiety would be halved.💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?I'd tell myself to stop trying to fit in and be like everybody else because the people I know are just a tiny portion of the population and really aren't much to aspire to. I'd tell myself to drop all my shitty friends because it would stop me from dealing with a lot of crap later on. I'd point myself in the right direction of the better people 😂I'd teach myself how to stand up for myself and how to not take any crap.And I'd give myself a hug and tell myself it's okay not to be cishet, because maybe if I could turn back time and start to deal with it earlier I'd be okay with it now.💚 who are you jealous of and why?A lot of people really, with qualities I don't have.I suppose one kid in particular is like, everything i want to be. Kind, hillarious, confident, close to people I love. 💎 what would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? Why?Bravery or kindness?? Its hard to have one without the other. Also beauty ngl bc im fugly.🙊 what are you ashamed of?My gender and sexuality 👏🌺 which languages do you know? Which do you want to learn?I know english and spanish and I'm learning Danish. Hopefully once I'm okay at danish I can learn arabic. Ill be satisfied after that 😂☘ if you could be any fictional characters friend/lover who would it be and why?I mean, theres plenty of fictional lesbians where im like 😏👀 but honestly if I had to pick only one person I'd choose Kieren Walker from in the flesh bc he needs a friend and I relate to him so strongly.☁ talk about your dream universe.Mental and physical illness doesnt exist. People arent dicks. Everything is free. No one feels unloveable.💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?Idk I'm p much done for the day 😂 I've been helping out around the house all day tho🐬 if you could transform into any animal what would it be and why?I mean i might be biased but either a dog or a sloth bc they get to sleep all the time 😂🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike.Someone I was best friends with for 4 years suddenly turned around and stabbed me in the back, made up shit about me, arranged that all my friends not talk to me for a fortnight, sent group emails stuffed with emotional manipulation and blamed me for her suicidal thoughts. I nearly ended it. Now I get to watch my friends still loving her like she isn't the world's most heartless person. It makes my blood boil.😣 talk about something that has been making you depressed/angry/anxious.I'm staying with my best friend rn and I can't stand the thought of going home.🍪 what did you want to be as a kid and what do you want to be now?I wanted to be a nurse and now I wanna be a doctor 👏 variety 👏🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?I cant really eat sugar 😂 so fuck knows? Chocolate?🍑 what are you obsessed with?Brains, thought processes, psychopaths, graveyards and more 😂💘 what happens to you when youre stressed?I just get really emotional and start agressively making lists everywhere in an attempt to sort my life out.😪 what are you sick of?Humanity.🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?Yeah its terrible 😂 i hate anxiety but I also kinda love it when my heart races.💥 what are some unpopular opinions you have?I....dont? I cba with discourse lifes too short.☔ would you consider yourself a good person?I think anyone with good intentions is usually a good person so yeah😊 what do you do as hobbies?Sleep, binge watch netflix and blog 😂🎤 whats the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?👏👏👏 Mr Brightside 👏👏👏 what a jam 👏👏👏🐝 whats your worst trait?Being waaayyy too clingy.🌷 whats your mbti personality type and why do you think it suits you?ISFJ and yeah defo, its the defender and I feel that tbh🐶 send me 3 fictional people and ill choose my favourite.Anon?👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?Kaitlyn Alexander is my bae.Besides that I dont really....obsess over any celebrities? Eliza taylor is doing p good 😂 ummm also some youtubers? Do they count?🐴 opinion on __?Its a great bit of punctuation.🍋 do you consider yourself to be an emotional person?Lmfaoooooo YES📚 share 3 books you love and your favourite quotes from them.M8. Thats not gonna happen 😂 I love any book that makes me cry but I cannot quote a single word.😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? Does it work?Find a quiet corner, shut my eyes and listen to my Depression Playlist. It doesn't always make me feel better but it helps me ride it out.🙂 what thoughts keep you going when you're sad?The thoughts of uni and that I'll hopefully meet some great new people. Also my best friend. Just in general 😂🌎 which country do you live in?England.🐧 describe yourself in 3 words?Awkward, tall and shy.🙉 what quotes changed you?"Pick your fights" bc as much as its a meme it helps me chill outAlso "everything is temporary" and "the sun will rise and we will try again".💭 do you keep a diary?I have a personal blog which acts as a diary yeah💫 who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander!! (Listen theyre like the first nb representation I ever knew and I relate so much to everything they say and theyre so cute and talented)👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?I mean, my initial response is no. Because we're just bags of flesh made up of cells and when we die those cells die so theres nothing to live on.But tbh we know so little about the universe I'm open to the possibility of anything at this point.🎀 whats your fashion sense like?Dior. I know what clothes I like and think look good but I never like them on me.🎬 what are some of your favourite films?Deadpool, My sisters keeper, pitch perfect 2 ermm🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?UmmmmmmmmmmmmWhen I first got my bunny, that was an amazing day!!🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?Um my soulmate? Where are they at?

[thinktwice222]

Prt 2

You know that feeling when you only feel normal after you smoke? Well that’s been my life for a little bit, and I’m  allergic also.  I think I may make it a point to run out and get a vape setup, if I want to keep smoking, that’s what the end line is.  I worry about my health because I baby my bad habits.  That’s a rabbit hole for another time. 

I need my sadness validated. Usually I would do that through art but I haven’t come to the right expression of it. Honestly, i’m in mourning. Have been for a while.  Now my mind is off somewhere in the hilarious space of how does one mourn in baltimore? All my art pieces are a statement of my emotions, because deep inside I’m a very serious person about the things I care for.  Now what I care about might not all be ideal....

maybe some tree paintings.  Can you believe I have made enemies with tree paintings?

I need to get back to my more spirited self. That’s why I have gotten back into sports.  I think today will be a good day to skate too.  I was planning to go out yesterday, but the sky had a different agenda, mostly rain.  Now its beautiful out,  and Im hoping not too cold.  

I just hit the hour of pisces with the moon conj neptune. No wonder I feel like I have just been hit with a ton of bricks.  I feel like this is the time I need to make the conscious decision to wake up and put my skate clothes on. 

I just opened up my window behind my laptop and it’s spring weather, with a little crispness. okay that might be a lie.  It’s a cool 50. I wish wasn’t so sensitive to the temperature.  Okay so I’m going to go out in a couple of hours, It’s too early and i feel like placing my head down and falling asleep forever.  The question is, do i seleep or write throug it, i mean i am completely echausted right now, saying I wasn’t would be a mas mistake. I’m righting now but I have decided it is n longer pertinent to see the keyboard. I would love to be able to turn off my eyes more often, maybe i wouldnt be so tired then. this could also just be a passing moment that I have to treat like a medical enigma.  

Now that Im on this topic, I am tired all the time.  Most of my waking time is spend trying to figure out why this is such a problem.  Its almost as if anxiety has created a different person.  I feel like how i intersect with the world has this weird intense emotional tint that wouldn’t be there if I could actually fucking rest once and a while.  I think that’s where my creativity went to hide too, whenever that happened.  

Do you ever wonder about if you have a cooler resting temperature than other people? 

So other news, I’m still working on trying to form a band. It’s been on and off, a couple projects have already been pushed to the side.  I’m definitely slower to progress each opportunity.  whats that saying about stokes in the flame.  I’m a mass multitasker, this is my game. I can’t wait to have a cool life, and later live somewhere tropical and be ‘a dude’.  I really don’t have any super noble aspirations, I don’t have interest in being in the line of fire.  Unless something I decide is in my way.

I just pictured myself sitting on an island making fun of my family on the mainland saying, “I don’t need you to live~”, but I’m still slightly dependent, they can pick up on that.  Give me another year. The great thing about me is I max things out, not my creditcards. 

I have a lot to say... this is why I usually try to write. But I have some weird thoughts, its a process to include those. 

[isaacathom]

ok anyway im gonna go to bed since im getting up at 10am again (5 consecutive fridays or some shit. Kill Me!) and if im gonna get a haircut i wanna not be a zombie for it. i gotta be fucking awake for that shit to ensure no bowlcuts ensue. i might not even bother, but i think for my like, anxiety development i need to just. do it. i just need to swallow my fear and go get a haircut on my own. the most important thing i need to remember is to ask to see the back. thats it. thats all i have to remember. i have photos of how my hair looked from jan, i will show them that, i will chill, and i will make sure i get to see the back in the mirror before i leave. thats it! everything else is fine! especially if i get the guy, because he did really good getting rid of the june 2018 thing and didnt talk much, which was good for me. the girl was less good because while talking isnt a bad thing per se, its bad when youre. not talking about the most important part of the undercut, which is. the Under Cut. yknow? its wild. itll be alright tho. i can handle it. and i have 5 bucks off.

worst comes to it, right, if i completely chicken out, ill tell mum i have a plan and then what we can do, maybe, is on Sunday we’re going to Bunnings right (just to SEE if I want anything), and yknow, maybe we can swing via, i can have someone supervise, or even just ‘you take me to the hair place, you drop me off, you come back 15 minutes later and make sure im not being done dirty, and then we all leave’. they can find somewhere to chill at knox, we’ve done it before. so worst comes to it, i have a back up plan. but ideally i do it tomorrow.

the really ideal scenario for easing myself into dealing with my hair on my own would have been to go back to Olinda because those people were REALLY good, really good, absolutely fantastic (fucking expensive but bitch it was worth it) and they wouldve looked after me, so going solo wouldnt have been as big of a lurch as to go solo to a place that has given me Mixed feelings on the quality? well, ok, thats oversimplifying, the end results were all alright, its just that one time the girl was gonna leave me with a bowl cut at the back and that sours it. hence i want the guy to do it, but we’ll see? :shrug: i think i can manage. im better at handling my anxiety than i used to be, god fucking bless, so i think i can do it. and itd be a really fun surprise to walk in and be like ‘good afternoon mum!’ and she goes ‘what the Fuck’. just because it will look different. hopefully not TOO different, i dont want them to hack off the entirety of my fringe (i actually like the length rn so hopefully just a bit off the tip and then layered obvs) but the mullet will be gone. and theyll fix up my DIY sideburn effort which is good, not than anyone ever noticed that i did that bc the hair was juuust long enough to go behind my ear andddd this has gotten long

OKAY point being im going to bed, im overthinking a fucking haircut, goodnight! <3

[asksansweredpdf]

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? i feel like it was teenage rebel - chameleon circuit hahaha

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? well, i often do tarot spreads for this. but i guess i would ask - you know. i’m not sure

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? literally just surviving it all

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? maybe a few work ones, or the time not long ago i was put in a group assignment for uni. we all decided to meet up after our group presentation for drinks and hang out and i had a really fun time making new friends and hanging out with people

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? oh man i would have WAY less anxiety about everything. knowing that nothing i do will matter in a year would be so freeing and liberating. i’d probably get a new job and actually get my motorbike license and go for rides 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have a bucket list but i’ll try to think of 3 things i’d like to do before i die -

this has been in my drafts for days and i honestly can’t think of a thing. 

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? nope

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? honestly i can’t remember. oh! i think maybe 6 months ago i got high and started over thinking and got sad and started crying. my roommate walked past because i forgot i had the door open and hugged me and then left after a bit

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. ideally, it’d be a close friend. but i dont have those. so maybe if i could go back in time and stargaze with an old friend. otherwise, my current friend hj is cool! actually, i’d love to get high and stargaze with him.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? i have before. but no, i wouldn’t now. i’m not like that anymore

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? it was 4 months ago, with my old best friend’s ex-boyfriend (i think they broke up? i dont talk to either of them anymore). i used to be close to him anyway, like we were also best friends. and we used to be roommates.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d love to look my mother in the eyes and say “i’ll never forgive you” but. it doesn’t feel right as much as i mean it. i guess i’d like to say it to both my parents. but i have to pick one person. .... i guess i would get my old best friend who i havent spoken to in 6 years and say “i’m sorry. i missed you for years. i’ll always love you” or something equally dramatic

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i have them and i love them. they’re so beautiful

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. i’m picking a few because fuck the police “being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia” was from the bohrap movie. relatable mood. reminds me of my mother which makes me uncomfortable “fall down 7 times, stand up 8. higher, further, faster” from captain marvel. i’ve been through soooo much fucking shit in my life. and i feel like it just keeps coming (well. the shit keeps coming and it don’t stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming) and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. like what’s the point of trying to be happy when i’m just going to be let down again. and so it’s encouraging to change perspective from that to, we get up higher, further, faster

“my skin has gone from porcelain, to ivory, to steel” - sansa stark  it ties in with the captain marvel one. in that shit just keeps happening. and i feel the same way. i used to be so free and naive and i’m not that person anymore. i guess it makes me feel less alone. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? “

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? buy a house for myself, buy a few investment properties so that i know i’m always secure financially. put a couple million in the bank. buy houses for my friends and family, donate the rest

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? yes and yes. i feel like i’m really understanding, and so i forgive people when it’s understandable. but once it’s past a certain point, i’m not at all forgiving. i hold grudges too. i like being this way

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. “hey kid. happy birthday! well, this is where things start to get really hard. you’re going to go through a lot even though you think you won’t. people are going to leave you and treat you despicably and betray you. almost everyone you love will completely screw you over. you will have no one to count on except yourself. i’m not saying this to scare you. but i want you to know that even when you feel like it’s too much to handle, you’re so much stronger than you’ll even realise. you have so much turmoil ahead of you, but i love you so much. you’ll come out the other end with anxiety and so scarred. but you’ll survive it. all of it. you’ll survive. there’s no lesson or greater purpose. i’m not going to tell you that it all happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. just trust that you have what’s in you to face anything. once day this will all feel like a bad dream and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. best of luck. ps there is no god”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. love them both. they’re hot and cool

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? nah, i only wear make up to work. and that’s because i work in sales. part of getting people to like you is being attractive. make up makes you more attractive. when people like you, you have more influence over them and you make more sales

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. runaway by pink. that song just. what a mood. and family portrait. i relate to both of those songs so much. even when i was going through shit, i had that song that i could sing and even though things were never okay, they made it bearable

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. be kind to each other?

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. 1st was a pink concert i went to when i was 15! we were super poor so this was a major deal. i waited in line for ages and my back started hurting real bad. but as soon as she got on stage everything went away. it was electrifying and she performed my favourite song. and i had eyeliner on which i cried off because she was my idol and it was amazing. her dancers were also super hot and i re-affirmed my bisexuality because i was like. wow. yes 2nd was lana & borns. my sister made me go with her to see lana del rey who i dont really give a shit about. she’s cool but im not like a major fan. borns however, i adore with every fibre of my being. borns was the opening act which was cute. i was one of the only ones in the crowd who knew him and everyone behind me was like gasping and talking about how cute he is. which also re-affirmed my sexuality. up until that point i thought that maybe i was a lesbian because i didn’t tend to find men too attractive. but borns? nope, i knew i was bi. then lana came on. it was okay. i knew a fair amount of the songs and apparently pissed everyone off by singing? i just thought that’s what you did at concerts dsjgdslkr but i had fun.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love to get a letter from an old best friend of mine saying sorry & that we should catch up. i feel like i havent had a friendship as full of connection as the one we’ve had. it’s been years and i still dont have anyone that could possibly replace her. but i worry that if we ever did try to re-kindle things it just wouldnt work out. which would lead me to ask myself if there was ever going to be anyone else who i’ll have that connection with. but it’d be nice at least

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have a desk! i had one for about 3 months and it was organised. i was always too poor to afford a desk and it just wasnt a priority when i used my bed

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? go upstairs, lay in bed, read .... words, stay up until my eyes are closing for me. sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? my parents opinion literally means nothing to me. i wouldn’t care what they do/don’t know. i guess id prefer if they didnt know about the drugs because my mum did them a lot and it led to her being abusive. so they’d be suuuper judgy and probably take them off me and shit. but once im moved out, i dont really care. they wont be able to do much about it

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i’d love to have a shaved thing. my hair’s already short. but my dad’s homophobic and doesnt want me to get it short. i dont give enough of a shit about it to argue with him so i leave it. but if i could, having a cool shaved thing would be nice

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? i dont think i even have 5 friends, and if i do, we certainly don’t have fun together. i’d just go by myself. i’m lots of fun to be around when it’s just me

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. i wish for a job that has stable income, consistent hours, a kind staff, and is something that i’m not constantly fucking up. - i wish for this because i feel like getting up every day to do something that doesn’t give me panic attacks (that i might even be able to enjoy) is such a dream. and if it gives a stable amount of money and hours, i’d be able to plan things and have a life instead of worrying about them calling me at literally any given moment and asking me to work. which means i’d either have to work or stammer out an excuse on the spot & have the managers be mad at me i wish for a living space that i can afford & is either by myself or with people who aren’t terrible. or with people who can’t fuck me over if they get mad at me. this would step 2 of being happy for me. having a job that doesn’t make me anxious = job that could make me happy. living space that is secure and mine and that no one can take away = reduction of anxiety and security = potentially being happy.  i guess i’d use the 3rd wish on having a car or motorbike. being able to get around without relying on anyone or public transport would be nice. i can go to places whenever it suits me and i’d be independent. i can just decide to go to an art gallery without it having to be a major planning thing or something that would take 2 hours to get to and from. it’d be very liberating 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. omg! last halloween. i borrowed an old friend’s witch costume. it was this cute corseted dress with a mini skirt & suspenders that attach to stockings. i bought a matching wand and witches hat. i looked super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? i havent done terrible things under the influence hey. i mostly just have fun and keep to myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? i dunno man. one million dollars is a lot of money. surely any of my usual morals would fly out the window. murder would become questionable. like it’s $1 million. i guess maybe not murder because if i went to jail then i wouldnt be able to spend the $1m. mass murder of like children and innocent people i probably wouldnt do. even if i got away with it

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? 1 song would be maybe americans - janelle monae. it’s a tune and you can listen to it for any mood really 1 person? i’ve purposefully gotten rid of any person i would want to only see for the rest of my life. not in a murder way, i just cut ties with them

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. many a time. it’s a really nice thing! not just romantically. but for me, i just suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. like every spare second i have i’m wondering what they’re doing, thinking about our inside jokes, planning what i’ll say next, wondering what to wear to impress them next, planning how i’m going to work this funny story i want to tell them, etc. and i won’t be able to stop smiling whenever they’re around. the worst giveaway for me is when i can feel myself excessively talking to other people about them. and i can’t stop.  it gives me something to think about that makes me happy. something that makes me happy to distract from usually the shitter things.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i am a girl and i have really really short hair. i rock it. i also rock black nail polish

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? i hate coffee. so i usually order a white hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. i’d trust anyone to order it for me. as long as they didn’t screw up and get me the white chocolate mocha, which has happened a few times 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? alcohol. music! probbaly music before alcohol. i love music. cigarettes. and my phone

[ilygsd]

110918

the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head

[promiseofalifetime-blog]

September 10, 2018

It has almost been a year since I have started my new journey at Renew church. When i first started coming to this new church, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend and I had also recently lost my job. I was lost and had no sense of direction in both my personal life as well as my professional life. I felt stuck and I didn’t even know how to begin to get back on my feet. During the first sermon that I sat in at Renew, the pastor’s message relatable. He was preaching on struggle and anxiety and how we need to have faith and trust in the Lord that he has a plan for our life even if we cant see what that is right now. At my first sermon at renew, I remember this guy named Jay sitting next to me. He was really friendly and very welcoming. That following Tuesday I went to my first bible study that renew YA were holding and even though I was going alone and I didn’t know anyone, I knew that I needed to do something different to start the process of healing. And it was incredible. During that same week, i went to the other renew YA bible study and that is where i met two of my closet friends to date, Josh and Aimee. I had open up in our small group that I was have a difficult time dealing with my break up and without even realizing it, everything just started to flow out. As I continued to go to Renew, a few months later I found myself developing an interest in Jay. Even though I hadn’t really talked to him, there was something about him that caught my attention. I turned to Josh for guidance in how i should handle the situation given that I was still healing from my previous relationship. I took his advice and gave myself the time and space to heal before I even began to get to know someone. As time continued to go on, and I saw how Jay interacted with people, the interest in him started to increase. He was so friendly to everyone and he has such a radiating personality. It seemed like whenever people were around him, they were always laughing and smiling. As time continued to go on, I started to realize that he was a man of God and was really strong in his faith. And that was something that allowed my interest in him continue to grow. I find myself struggling with my interest in him because I find myself afraid to talk to him. Because I know where my intentions are, I don’t want to talk to him or get to know him for the wrong reasons. I want to get to know him naturally like I do with everyone else. But for some reason, when it comes to him, I can’t. I can talk to anyone else and completely be myself, but I get so shy to talk to him. I also struggle with talking to him too because I know that he is introverted and he is a private person. I know that if I were to go up to talk to him too often at church, that might put him in a position where people start assume things and I dont want to do that either. Given that he is introverted, I wouldnt want to put him in that kind of uncomfortable position. It has been more of a struggle now because of my work schedule. Given that I work the tues-sat swing shift, it limits the nights i am able to go out and the social events I am able to attend. The most ideal time to be able to talk to him would be Sundays after church and even sometimes then, it is a struggle, Usually he is catching up with some of his close friends or he is helping tear everything down. And even when people go out to lunch, I also find myself conflicted because I don’t spend a lot of time with my family so often times I go home for lunch. And i also dont want to stay and go to lunch just because Jay is, i know that wouldn’t be for the right reason and i have the wrong intentions. This past sunday, the sermon was mainly focus on the idea of how we pray. Have we ever prayed the prayer ‘God if you love me/ or you are real, then...’ . I really resonated with me because there was a time in this past year where i became so desperate to be free of this struggle that I prayed a prayer like that. I wanted to be release from this so bad that I resorted to a prayer like that. I felt so incredibly guilty that I have focused on that for so long, that I lost sight of how God showed his love. God sent his one and only son to die for me so that my sins can be forgiven and here i am asking him to show his love to me by sending me a sign. It made me realize how much this struggle was affecting me and that I really need to change the way I pray. Because if that isn’t enough to show me that God loves me, nothing else would ever fulfill me. As much as I want to be free from this struggle, I need to put God first in my life and learn to not put things about that. I need God to guide my heart and really lead me in the direction he wants to take me in every aspect of my life, and not just this particular struggle. As my one year mark and Renew approaches, I find reminiscing about how much Renew has saved me. It gave me a sense of guidance. It gave me the fulfillment of God’s love. It gave me strong brothers and sister of Christ. It gave me a sense of community. And it also gave me one of the most challenging struggles since my breakup. It gave me a sense of doing things for the most pure intentions and not because it’s what i want. It gave me the time to heal emotionally and made me stronger and more confident in myself. It gave me a whole new happiness I didn’t know I could have by myself. Renew gave me a whole new group of people that I never felt so much love from. i never felt so much more included in a community than I do at Renew. Often times I do find myself struggling with community, but then God reminds me that its not about quantity, its about the quality of the people that have surrounded me, and I am truly surrounded by an amazing group of people. Even though a year later, I feel stuck with where I am in this struggle, I know that i can’t let it consume me. No matter how frustrated i get or difficult it can be, i know that God will send me a sense of release and clarity on how to be free from it. Whether it’s learning to move on or entering a new journey and direction he wants me to pursue, i know that whatever happens it’s in God’s plan for me.