#going back to the shadowrealm afterwards lol

[c3p-mo]

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so I most likely have MS

It could be just something else wrong with my brain or spinal cord still can't be properly seen until late Jan, probably can't get the MRI until Feb but the current symptoms and ones from previous years add up to been having it

optic neuritis and uhthoff’s syndrome is the name for what I've been dealing with since July and it's only now somewhat getting 'better'. I can see much better for much longer but still have blindness nonstop and the daily headaches. For the last two weeks I couldn't be on a phone or see a screen for longer than 5 mins without pain and nonstop flashes. Can't even read too long or my eyes just stop functioning. It's a strange thing to experience. And it's the usual first sign of MS.

I also had a small bad fall last month and it was bad enough that I have a complete ACL tear, so surgery is pending. Seeing the doc about it hopefully soon to gauge time frame

I spent all of November on the couch cuz I can't walk and see properly. I really couldn't do anything but it kinda helped in a way. I'm spitballing that one of my "most likely is MS" triggers is stress, so once my partner came back and I'm not physically alone anymore I withdrew from... everything really.

Logged out of everything, muted and disabled anything with a notification, friends unfortunately (whichever ones I think I have left). But in general I really needed to hit pause, questionable that this was a way to go about it but I do feel less stressed a bit. I mean I have to be slow atm with my leg, it literally hurts to try and play games/be on PC and phone, also too broke to do anything but checkout books at the library(which I like to do anyways) so can't do much; my vision has definitely improved better in the last few weeks than the last four months so tiny lining? I'm honestly only here now cuz I 1. forgot insomnia meds and 2. can watch a stream and touch a keyboard without a painful headache after so long and 3. Can actually SEE

I'm rambling at this point and only for myself really. I just finally feel like myself again for the first time in a very long and newest personal lowest year in my life. I'm so exhausted that I can't even bother with wanting to die atm. Almost funny that my brain is trying to do that for me anyways lol. But I know this one normal moment is brief. i think my headspace will be much better as my appt gets closer and i might get back to my online presence with it but for now I'm still thinking about staying off things help.

I am still very tired of trying to be 'normal' and of trying to function through it all. I'm tired of deteriorating every passing year and masking all the chronic pain with no valid name but now I'm closer to some proper and correct reason for it all. At the very least I can get handicap parking privilege and a true medical weed pass. Maybe an eyepatch would look good on me? Using mobility aids with less guilt? Idk

comforting prospects in hard times