#gods it still fucks me up every time because she's like my primary school ex-best friend

[hydr0phius]

Yeah, the H2O: Just Add Water annual summer rewatch is going good. No, I'm not okay after the Charlotte business in season 2. No, I haven't watched that bit yet I'm just remembering one specific scene that made me bawl my eyes out for a solid 15 minutes.

[spideyspeaches]

We always have been ↬ fem!p.p

A/N: AHHH I love genderbent Peter skjkjhjka and I’ve only seen @justme--emily​ write for her so far so I wrote one of my own 😤

Summary: It was not every day you crash into your ex boyfriend in a Stark Gala, was it? Your ex boyfriend you dumped right after your senior prom? It was probably her Parker luck striking, never a good sign, she learned that from experience. 

Warning: um cursing lol.

Pairing: female!Peter Parker x Harry Osborn

WC: 2k

When Mister Stark had asked her to attend one of those glorious charity galas, Penny had been elated, internally (and externally) jumping at the thought of wearing fancy gowns and walking past pretentious rich bureaucrats and business people.

She was practically lost in paradise when Miss Potts had accompanied her to shop for her dress, a beautiful blue and red full length gown, hugging her in her curves with a chinese collar neck and embroidered bust (very on brand of her). 

“Is your dress comfortable? Oh god I think I should have altered it myself, it’s not too tight right?” May fretted, fixing her hairdo and last minute make up she learnt from makeup hacks videos. Groaning, Penny nudged May by her shoulders, sitting her down on her twin bed, holding her aunt’s cheeks.

“May, the dress is comfortable! Miss Potts made sure that it was altered to my size okay? Now calm down, it’s just one night.” She smiled, folding her hands under her chest. Her dress was truly comfortable, and she looked undeniably good, she checked (she was a nerd, yes, but she wasn’t blind. Especially now that she had 20/20 long vision due to her spider powers.)

“You know how I feel about you going to fancy parties, baby.” May sighed, making her wince, “the last time you went to prom ended in a disaster. Both of them”

“I know May, but on the bright side, it gained me an actual paid internship. And Mister Stark and Miss Potts are going to be present the whole time!” She reassured, squeezing her aunt’s shoulders. In all honesty, she understood her anxiety, shuddering as she remembered her prom fighting Liz’s dad, and then breaking up with Harry, “besides, I have my spidery powers remember? I’m a big girl May, I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can sweetheart, god look at you all grown up, Ben would be so proud of how much you’ve grown, my little woman.” May sniffed, getting up to caress her head. She shook her head at her aunt’s emotional state, smiling as she bowed her head at the nickname. It was something Ben used to call her- little woman.

“Ben would be proud of you too May.” Penny said, willing her eyes to not water at the sudden rush of sentiment she felt at the mention of her deceased uncle.

“Now, shoo before I change my mind and keep you all to myself!” May laughed, fixing the non existent crease near her shoulders.

“Okay okay! I’m going May, jeez it’s like you and Mister Stark are holding a shared custody of me.” Penny snickered, scrambling to wear her uncomfortable heels, the ones that matched her dress.

“Maybe I am, but I get to be the primary guardian!”

Laughing, she gave her aunt a kiss to her cheek, doing a preliminary check of her cell phone and emergency bracelet, blowing her a kiss before walking into the car that was standing outside their apartment.

The car ride was silent, her stomach bubbling with nervousness and excitement. She was practically vibrating in her seat, glad that Tony had sent another driver instead of Happy- he would have teased her incessantly for being so nervous. She had grown close to Happy, the man growing fond of her as well, but he could be an embarrassing dad at times.

The gala was everything she had imagined, brightly lit in an overpriced hall, adorning overpriced decorations with people in overpriced clothes. 

“Hey Mister Stark! Thank you so much for inviting me!” She grinned, skipping towards her fath- mentor. 

“Hey Pen, wow don’t you look beautiful. A little too beautiful, beware of those good for nothing boys you hear me?” Tony smiled, hugging her, a protective hand on her shoulder. 

“Oh don’t mind Tony, hun, he’s only joking.” Pepper said, giving her a kiss on her cheek and doing a once over, just like May had. 

“I’m serious Pep, if those boys even tried anything, you call me okay? I’ll take care of them.” 

“Mister Stark, you can’t just threaten teenagers.” Penny giggled, looking at Pepper with a smirk.

“Barely a teenager kiddo, why did you grow up so fast?” He smiled, a fond look in his eyes.

“I’m nineteen Mister Stark, I think I can take care of those boys themselves.” 

“Hell yeah you can, that’s my girl.” 

Easy for her to say, because not long after that, Mister Stark and Pepper had abandoned her to talk to some prominent dealer about some… deals concerning Stark Industries, she didn't ask.

By the end of an hour, she was already bouncing on her heels, bored out of her mind. Even the Avengers could entertain her only so much, going back to their important work. And 

Penny was an awkward girl, always finding herself in situations she was unwilling to participate in, so socialising was out of question.

She remembered the one time she had accidentally spilled coffee all over Mister Stark’s touch sensitive keyboard, stuttering the whole time. He hadn’t even been mad, reassuring her that he had done that enough times before, hence the liquid resistant keypads. 

And then there was that one time the school nurse had called Tony when she was experiencing period induced fever. That was embarrassing, if not a little heartwarming to know that he cared about her enough to confront Pepper about menstrual problems. She was his daughter in everything but blood, he reminded her that every day, though not verbally.

There was also this one time she had been caught kissing MJ, but none of those were going to top what she was facing right now.

Literally.

“Penny! Penny Parker?” Harry’s chirpy voice rang in her ears, his footsteps sounding increasingly closer as she tried to hide her face behind her (non alcoholic) drink, frantically walking towards the vague figure of Mister Stark as fast as she could with her overly expensive stilettos.

It was not every day you crash into your ex boyfriend in a Stark Gala, was it? Your ex boyfriend you dumped right after your senior prom? It was probably her Parker luck striking, never a good sign, she learned that from experience. 

Finally standing near Mister Stark, she tried to stand next to him, ignoring the weird look he was giving her. Penny was petite, always has been small for her age, so she was glad Mister Stark could cover her with his side. Apparently he got her cue, as he shifted slightly to hide her from whomever’s view.

“What’s wrong Pen? Some pesky boy chasing you? Accidentally met your ex?” He joked, giving the old businessman in front of him a handshake and smirking at her with amusement. 

“Something like that.” She shrugged casually, snickering at Tony’s wide eyes. 

“Penny! Hey it’s me, Harry.” He said, nearly standing behind her. He was either incredibly stupid or incredibly brave, weaving his way through the crowd to stand right in front of her. He probably hadn’t noticed her clinging to Tony, which is why he came forward, a big goofy grin playing on his handsome face, sending her heart into a frenzy, his blue eyes shining under the gleaming lights. 

“Uh, h-hey Harry.” She grimaced, elongating his name with a chuckle. Shuffling forward, she ignored Tony’s raised eyebrows, opening her mouth to speak, but all she could look at was Harry Fucking Osborn standing in front of her, “Um, small world?” 

Her words sounded distant to her, heart heart a lump in her throat. She felt underprepared for these situations. Sure, they had broken off on a semi- good note, but it didn’t make whatever this was any less awkward. 

“Small world indeed.” He said, much softer than before, a solemn expression taking over his face, “It’s not every day you get to meet Penelope Parker in a Stark Gala. Heard of your internship by the way, I knew you were smart enough to get it.” 

“Oh, thanks about that. I guess you’re an unwilling guest here? Haven’t seen Mr. Osborn around.” She smiled shyly, shuffling on her feet.

“Yeah, kind of, I mean you know how he is.” He shrugged.

“How long have you two known each other?” Tony interrupts the two, watching in amusement as both his pseudo daughter and Norman’s son blush under his gaze, as if just noticing his presence.

“Uhm, Hi Mister Stark! B-big fan, hi oh my god Penny I’m standing in front of Tony Stark.” Harry stuttered, shaking Tony’s hand for a little too long.

Staring at him with confusion, he shook Harry's hand back, silently asking Penny the lingering question.

“He’s a bit of a fanboy.” She answered. 

Harry was still looking at Stark with his wonderstruck expression. 

“Well it’s always good to meet my fans, but you didn't answer my question, kid. How do you two know each other?” Tony said, smiling as politely as he could while his hand was still stuck in Harry’s grip. 

Realising that, he instantly let go, standing awkwardly as him and Penny said at the same time-

“I’m her ex boyfriend-”

“He’s my best friend.” 

His eyes widen, realising what he had just said.

“You guys dated? And when were you going to tell me about that Pen?” Tony asked, baffled at the thought of Penny dating a guy, and Osborn’s son of all people. 

“Well, you see, I was going to tell you soon, but then we broke up. You know? We haven’t talked since.” Penny said, the last sentence directed towards Harry. She was looking at him now, gritting her teeth.

“Well did you expect me to call you after you dumped me? During prom nonetheless? I was ashamed, Pen, I couldn’t do it.” Harry said, looking apologetic. It made her heart clench, inherent guilt building up in her tummy. It was her fault, technically. 

“Yeah but, Harry you were my best friend before my boyfriend, and I missed you okay? You could’ve at least called.” She defended. Tony was good at reading the room, so sensing a banter building, he quietly left the area, not wanting to witness the misunderstanding.

“I really missed you too Penny, I- I didn’t think I was good enough for you, gosh I really fucking love you.” He said, immediately stiffening. 

Even back when they were dating, they had never said the L word to each other, not even when they were best friends, and now? Well he had just made the air more thicker than before. 

“You- you what?” She asked, voice small as her heart jumped. She moved closer to him, holding her hands out, reaching to touch his shoulders. Her hands set on his silky tuxedo, she stroked her hands in a slow motion, dropping them immediately when she realised she was touching him.

“I really fucking love you Penny, even if you don’t want to get together, can we still be friends? Go back to our movie nights and lego sessions?” He asked, furrowing his brows as if to keep himself from crying. 

No words left her mouth, her breath hitched when he moved forward, chest stuttering. With a sudden confidence she didn’t know she had, she leapt forward, capturing his lips in hers. Their lips moved with a sync, his familiar ocean scented deo invading her nostrils, his soft skin against her. The world around her melded in a technicolour blob, the only thing she could focus was his heartbeat echoing in her ears.

“I really fucking love you too by the way.” She said, pulling away from the kiss. She vaguely spotted Miss Potts in her periphery, shaking her head with a smile as she held back Mister Stark.

“So, are we friends then?” 

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“We are more than friends, you dumbass. We always have been.” 

I’m a thirsty bitch, pwease give me feedback? 🥺🥺

[elliotfm]

hey guys ! i’m jules and i’m super excited to open; i have two super clingy cats in case any of you ever need a visual pick-me-up, i’m a uni student in canada and a Big skincare and dark chocolate junkie, more than likely gonna be typing replies while indulging in either jsyk ! i tried to keep it short since i’m a rambly bitch, but links to elliot’s basic stats and her wc page will be up soon — though i have some under the read more — as well as a playlist whenever i find the energy to set it up here FLDKSJGSD also pardon the lack of theme, i forgot the url for the preview and code link for the one i wanted to use but i’ll have it figured out shortly ! anyways, without further ado:

◤  *  kim doyeon  ;  twenty-one  ;  cis female  ;  she/her  —  is  that  who  i  think  it  is  over  there  ?  outer  banks  very  own  kook  ,  elliot hong  .  makes  sense  ‘cause  i  can  practically  hear  into it  by  chase atlantic  blasting  through  their  headphones  .  plus  who  else  would  you  find  out  at  the boneyard  right  now  ?  some  say  they're  pretty  astute  ,  but  it's  the  imperious  reputation  i'd  watch  out  for  .  i  wonder  if  they're  still  a student / heiress  and  obsessing  about  keeping  up  with  their  bongs, random shoes and empty bottles of dom on the living room floor  &  a bite as big as her bark  vibe  .  [  ooc  ;  jules/21+/nt/she/her  ]

tw: drug and alcohol mention

the middle child of her parents, elliot is the fourth of her father’s five children

her mother is his second ( now ex — ) wife, though they remain cordial and have since moved on

grew up with a silver spoon, her dad being a wall street giant who would split his time between nyc and, once upon a time, connecticut — though it ultimately became a back-and-forth from nyc and the outer banks when elle was about four

her mother was adopted into an old money family ( on the lower end of that group ) in charlotte when she was a baby and had become something of a socialite when young, but shifted to becoming an entrepreneur. of what ?? i still haven’t figured that out LFJDGS

has a half-sister and half-brother from her dad’s first marriage, tallulah ( aka tally, a pain in my ass over on my indie fdlkjgs ) and bennett, and is basically a mini tally as all she really had were brothers and was Attached to her big sis whenever she’d visit

and as for her older and younger brother..... they might be wcs soon enough so we’ll leave that be for now DFLSGKJ

now onto ELLE ! she was the princess of the younger three hong kids, like the apple of her mother’s eye and her father’s Biggest tormentor

aka would hog the phone whenever he couldn’t come home for the night to tell him good night, hounded him to read her bedtime stories, pretty much always got her way in the most wholesome way when she was a kid

like i said before, moved to the obx when she was four because her mom used to visit when she was a kid and loved it; it was also due to its convenience in seeing her maternal grandparents regularly, its quieter nature in comparison to the affluent hubs for businessmen outside of manhattan and just in general

her dad just went along because it’s what his wife wanted and fuck it, at least the kids wouldn’t hound them to take them to places beyond their urban surroundings as often DLSFJDS

growing up, she wasn’t Too much of a brat but liked having the spotlight on her — she’d accredit it to tally’s influence AND her parents caving to her whims more often than not — and was very sociable and respectful even back in primary school

LOVED to explore, and, while not a tomboy per se, would take part in some activities her brothers or other boys in her grade participated in; be it to bond, trail along her siblings’ every move because she didn’t wanna stray far from action, or to prove that she can hold her own, she’d do it

uhhh overall a cute, if not high-maintenance, kid, but her teen years ?? yikes, people would be in for a ride bc this is when she REALLY started to emulate tally and shift her boldness towards riskier shit

basically could’ve been a main character on outer banks itself with her reckless antics and partying as a teenager…. and now, even SGDLKF

could’ve been considered a typical kook, save for her wild streak; she could hang with the pogues and wouldn’t let her slight superiority complex come into play unless she was challenged or something, otherwise she’d chase the party and the fun wherever she could find it

loves fashion and being the hottest in the room, didn’t need to step on toes to get further but would do so at times Solely to make a point/to call someone out on their shit

is now attending columbia u, rather she’s taking a Break as she makes sure she’s content with the path she’s taking ( aka being the trashy 21 year old she wants to be, chilling at the family home with just her siblings and daddy’s money with no Major worries involving the near future )

isn’t the most studious person, but she’d gotten far enough to begin wrapping up her major whenever she decides to head back

though.. the entire time has been mostly spent sleeping with some of her rich friends, drinking and smoking pot, with the occasional hit of whatever clean enough drug that one of her friends had on them

also spent a lot of her time meeting up with her socialite big sis as a plus one to some cooler events, so while she’s not famous, her name has made the rounds where it matters given her surname’s already established relevance in nyc

when she’s not getting an education and is homebound instead, she’s pissing off her neighbours with her house parties at the family home on the beach, doing dumb shit the second she’s inside of a gala or club — albeit with partial discretion that’s completely ignored whenever around other young adults — and just chilling poolside and staying hydrated fgkldjsg

personality and shit

if i were to use a label to describe her, she'd be a mix between the princess/baby doll, the hedonist and the reveller i think ?? i don’t even know where to place her LKSDFGJLK

self-confidence is through the roof, KNOWS she’s pretty and doesn’t really let rumours or negativity get her down — aside from wanting to unleash hell if someone keeps irritating her for whatever reason

she’s messy as hell, but around the uptight, live-through-your-kids parents of kooklandia she puts on the façade of a poised young woman who has Some fun because she knows it bodes well.. only even then, she doesn’t maintain it bc honestly, who cares —

she’s not a complete dick per se, but she can be snide and boastful when provoked

has something of a superiority complex, independent and lives lavishly with reckless abandon

non-committal yet sensible when it comes to who she sleeps with; typically has a couple of stable fuck buddies but has had some one night stands if she’s feeling it

keeps her true inner circle small, but gets off on attention and likes to stay cordial with some people, so she’s got quite a few friends all the same

like i said earlier, will hang with the pogues and thinks the whole class rivalry thing is kind of stupid when it means sticking with her own would mean dealing with parent pleasers, polo shirt enthusiasts and either being too straight-laced or too destructive for her liking

.. so she’s a far cry from her sister in that regard, otherwise rip GLSKJ

though that doesn’t stop her from unleashing her pompous attitude onto a pogue when it seems appropriate, aka doing anything to piss her off

there really isn’t much to expand on tbh, though i will say that her emboldened nature and need for a good time however she can get it comes out more than her uglier side ( except her vanity. that’ll never go away KSFDG )

some quick plot ideas

a childhood friend or two, pretty standard idea there

could carry over into a trio type of thing depending on where she stands with either of them, or they’re a different couple of pals she’s made over the years

family friends, aka nyc kids or people who’ve rubbed elbows with either of elle’s parents, though they don’t Actually have to be friends of course JGDSFKL

her best friend and confidante, someone she can have cute moments with between the chaos and one of the few people that elle would probably accost someone for if they hurt the other in any way

enemies are always fun ! probably rooted in a competitive streak more than anything else but i’m all ears for a more complex reason

ex-hookup(s), current hookup(s), throw it all at me klgfjd

a hateship/ewb would be fun with her too, oh my god sfdgklj

FAKE FRIENDS !! either in the past or currently, probably stayed friends for the sake of their appearances but have a lot of quiet disdain for each other — though elliot wouldn’t be too bothered by that situation beyond being around someone she deems soul-sucking, face value hype and knowing they probably need her more than she needs them gives her too much satisfaction fkskgls

an ex-something, open to anyone. either someone her parents forced on her to straighten her out a tad that she wound up liking…. after a good period of her telling them to fuck off sdglk or someone she’d been seeing for a while at her own accord, likely someone her parents wouldn’t approve of so readily. would’ve ended the same way: with her calling it off because she didn’t want to settle down, not even for a relationship ( and perhaps bc she’s scared of commitment with her cracked family dynamic that’s been a thing since birth, but that’s another story jsdfkg )

or we can just as easily do high school exes who only really stayed together until graduation bc their parents were being Some level of overbearing with how they’d be such a good couple — not that there was nothing there, just nothing beyond sex and being some kind of status symbol to each other, idk lfkgsd

her designated event pals would be super fun ?? sdgkflj like they go to all of these big parties and galas with their families, break off to do their own thing bc those events are boring as fuck, and head back to her place before she throws an after-party of sorts. they’d be decent friends beyond this though, them being someone she trusts a good bit compared to others in her circle

[larryfanfiction]

ABO 

Alpha Harry / Omega Louis

🌕 Where You Lay by HamPalpert (86k)

When Louis’s upcoming heat threatens his success at his new dream job, he asks the best (and only) person he can think of to help him through it: his best mates’ best mate, Harry Styles. Harry reluctantly accepts, and together the two navigate a strange friends with benefits relationship that quickly turns complicated.

🌕 Like Candy In My Veins by littlelouishiccups (31k)

“Um…” Harry said slowly after a moment. “Okay. That’s… this is… Let me get this straight.” He lifted up a hand and swallowed. “You told your family that you have a boyfriend… and my name was the first one you thought of?”

“Harry Potter was on TV, alright? It wasn’t that much of a stretch.” Louis pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t believe he was explaining himself to Harry fucking Styles. He couldn’t believe he was stooping this low. “Forget it. I’m sorry I even thought about bringing you into this.”

Harry snorted. “What? Did you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend or something?” (Basically the A/B/O, enemies to lovers, fake relationship, Christmas AU that nobody asked for.)

🌕 falling into you by stylinsoncity (143k)

In the grand scheme of adolescence and boyhood, Harry was still working himself out, so far with little luck. But four things he could say for certain: 1) he'd been at the top of his class all through primary and secondary school, 2) he was the shittiest alpha to ever walk the earth, 3) Liam Payne never let him forget it, and 4) he’d been in love with this boy, Louis Tomlinson, ever since he was fifteen years old.

🌕 i want you so much (but i hate your guts) by becauselarry (83k)

AU in which Louis gets accepted to play for the Manchester University Alpha-Beta Football Team. The only problem: Louis is actually an Omega. He is determined to make it big in the football world, though, and he can't do that bound to an Omega team. With the help of a faked doctor's certificate and some pretty strong suppressants he is ready to fight for his dream.

That Harry Styles (Alpha, second year and youngest football captain of the A-B team in ages) doesn't seem to like him complicates matters, though.

🌕 Strawberries & Cigarettes by dimpled_halo (74k)

Harry looks up and immediately freezes. Next to Ms. Archie stands the boy from just the other day. The boy with the leather jacket and chipped black nails, that might or might not be sketched in the very book Harry has just placed on the table in front of him. The leather jacket is missing today, probably because they aren’t allowed as part of their required uniform attire, but Harry can still see the fading black nail polish on his nails, and eyeliner around his eyes. Harry’s mouth goes a little dry. This boy is so intriguing to him.

“Ye-yes, Ms. Archie?” Harry tries to play it cool, but he’s almost positive that his cheeks are burning red, and he’s relieved neither of them can tell how fast his heart is beating in his chest.

The boy seems to also recognize Harry, because his lips curve into a knowing smirk.

“Harry is at the top of his class. He’s your best bet at getting familiar with things around here.” She explains.

Louis nods, his smirk still very prominent on his face. “Thank you Ms. Archie. I’ll be sure to take advantage of young Harold here.”

*

Summary: Two stories, eleven years, and the two boys that never stopped loving each other.

🌕 Love is like this; not a heartbeat, but a moan by angelichl (13k)

"He hates this, more than anything in the world he hates this. His title, his rank, his DNA. Unchangeable. Fated.

And then there’s Harry, born to be unobjectively superior to Louis and all other O’s. Unlike other A’s, Harry doesn’t wear his alpha-ness very well. He’s clumsy with it, like walking around in a pair of shoes a size too big. His life is defined by uncertainty and tentativeness, and those are definitely not qualities alphas should have.

Sometimes, when Louis ponders it for too long, he thinks that maybe Harry resents being an A just as much as Louis resents being an O."

In which Harry loves Louis, but Louis has been cold to him ever since he presented as an omega at age fifteen. Eight years later, Louis approaches Harry with a request, and who is Harry to deny him?

🌕 Cold Little Heart by seducedbycurls��(194k)

Louis is a soft omega with an abusive past and an alpha child A few months after getting a divorce, Louis meets Harry, an ex-military alpha wolf that offers him something -odd.

In exchange for teaching him how to cook, Harry will babysit his son, Abraham Louis really could use the help.

🌕 Symphony Hall Series by HelloAmHere @helloamhere  (137k)

“I think I have an idea,” Louis said. Slowly, and reluctantly, but with a growing sense of the inevitable. “God damnit, I think I have a really good idea.”

“Oh christ, that’s the problem-solving face,” Babs said. “Last time we saw that face, he sold a company.”

“Wait, what?” Zayn asked.“Right place, right time,” Louis said. “Also, fuck my life,”

“What?” Zayn repeated. Niall patted his hand.“I usually just roll with whatever Louis is about to do,” he said. “It’s better for us all.”

“That’s the attitude,” said Louis, “I’ll tell you tomorrow. Tonight, I need to do some research. Zayn, give me your number. I’m gonna save our symphony.”

🌕 Pray for some Sweet Simplicity by delsicle (237k)

Louis is the only omega to ever make it in the cut-throat world of competitive motorcycle racing—that is, he would be if anyone actually knew about his identity. Now, his sights are set towards competing in—and winning—the European Grand Prix, the biggest and most difficult race of the entire year, so he can disappear underground for good. He’s close enough, too, until an alpha sports journalist is assigned to follow Louis’s every move as he prepares for the event of his career.

Or, an AU where motorcycle racing is the biggest sport in a heavily divided world, Louis is trying to take control of his own destiny, and Harry is in for more than he bargained for.

🌕 As Deep as the Sky by swallowsmateforlife (12k)

A passed-out omega on the bathroom floor isn’t exactly what Harry had in mind when he thought about taking a cute boy home. The idea of leaving Louis there, vulnerable and unresponsive, weighs guiltily at Harry’s conscience. Turns out it’s the best decision he’ll ever make.

🌕 You Burn With the Brightest Flame by sarcasticfluentry (34k)

Harry frowns, thinking that he shouldn’t have to be glad about what gender he is, just like omegas shouldn’t have to be scared and nervous that anyone they meet might want to hurt them. He wonders why none of this occurred to him before, how he possibly could’ve just sailed through life before this without realizing how fortunate he was being born a beta. That seems a bit too serious of a conversation for Simon Cowell’s waiting room, though, so Harry puts an arm around Louis’s shoulders and teases, “You say that like you’re old or something. Two years isn’t that big of a difference!”

“Tell me that when you’re eighteen and looking back on this conversation,” Louis says.

“Well that’s - that’s different, isn’t it? We could be anywhere in two years, we could be famous.

”Louis’s eyes light up, his smile widening. “You think so?”

…or, the X-Factor Era A/B/O fic.

🌕 Swim In The Smoke by whoknows (101k)

 “What about this, Captain?” Liam asks, nudging the boy kneeling between their feet with the toe of his boot. The boy hisses and swipes at him, slurring out something unintelligible around the makeshift gag Niall had to stuff in his mouth. He misses by a mile and tries again, just as ineffectively. Harry looks down at him, at the way the sun streams over his face and shoulders, at the way the gag stretches his mouth, lips pink and chapped. He’s lithe and pretty, smudged all over with dirt. They had found him tied up below deck, mostly unconscious, next to a barrel full of gold. He’s clearly a prisoner, but there’s something familiar about him, something that niggles at Harry’s brain. Something he can’t quite put his finger on. “Put him in my cabin,” Harry decides, turning back to deal with the rest of the loot. The boys screams out jumbled curse words at Harry’s back, muffled by the gag, and Harry can’t understand any of it.

🌕 With Love Comes Strange Currencies by mediaville (16k) 

One day One Direction will be over and Louis won’t be around Harry every waking moment. He’ll be able to finally get some space, let their bond dissipate as it’s bound to do, if they don’t mess up again. He can move to Costa Rica and forget that Harry Styles popped his first knot inside him. Until then, he’s going to have to deal with this. or, They’re Accidentally Mated and Dealing With It Rather Badly.

🌕 Mr. Tomlinson by iwillpaintasongforlou (4k)

Louis is a billionaire CEO who makes grown men cry and rival companies crumble. He’s also an omega. Harry is the quiet cupcake of a man he calls his alpha and the only one who gets to see Louis as anything less than fearsome.

🌕 If Anyone Knew by StarFar (50k)

Harry’s a young alpha who’s strangely gentle. Louis’ an omega who’s strangely protective. Being the only ones in the band who aren’t betas they automatically empathise with each other and decide that it’s their job to look after each other.

Or Harry and Louis through the early One Direction years in an a/b/o universe.

🌕 Settle Down With Me by ItsLivvvy (12k)

I have always loved him, Louis. I will always love him. From childhood till the day we part.

OR

When Louis and Harry slowly fall in love from childhood forward and build their dream together.

🌕 Cameras Flashing by juliusschmidt (81k)

With his breakout single platinum three times over and his second album still selling out in stores around the world, Louis Tomlinson has made it to the top. However, his position as Pop Heartthrob of the Decade is threatened by the edgier, more artistic Zayn, who happens to be releasing an album a week after Louis’ upcoming third. Louis needs something groundbreaking- scandalous, even- to push past him in the charts. Much to Louis’ dismay, his PR team calls in The Sexpert.

Consulting with PR firm Shady, Lane and Associates pays the bills so that Harry Styles can spend his down time doing what he really loves: poring over data. On weekends and late into the evenings, he researches gender, presentation, and sexual orientation, analysing the longitudinal study that is his father’s life’s work. That is, until his newest client, the popstar with the fascinating secret, drags him off his couch and frighteningly close to the spotlight.

As the album’s release date approaches, will Tomlinson and Styles be able to pull off the most risky PR scheme of the millennium and beat Zayn in sales or will the heat of their feelings for each other compromise everything?

🌕  Didn’t Fall For You (You Fucking Tripped Me) by @allwaswell16 (15k)

These days Louis tends to steer clear of dating alphas. He’s dated too many knotheads in his time, and he’s ready to just focus on school and his friends and his pet monitor lizard, of course.

Too bad the alpha next door won’t take a hint and stop using the worst pick up lines of all time on him. He’s really got to stop laughing with him–and talking to him and walking to class with him and letting him bring him coffee and tea and gifts for his lizard and watching Netflix together and…

Alpha Louis / Omega Harry

🌕 Stars Will Align For Us by 2tiedships2 (15k)

"The serial monogamist is single," Niall said by way of introduction when he sat down across from Harry in the canteen.

Harry sipped his chocolate milk. "What are you going on about?"

"Your alpha dream boat," Niall said. "That tiny little footie player? I heard from Hannah that he's broken it off with his boyfriend so he’s single and ready to flamingle. Now's the time to make your move."

Harry sipped his chocolate milk harder to keep himself from replying.

Or the one where Harry is an omega at a loss of how to get past his pining and gain the attention of Louis...especially considering the alpha is always in a relationship.

🌕 But Please, Don't Bite by shyserious (122k)

"Melodic little jingle sounded from a bell hanging over the doorframe and warm indoor air curled heavily around his shivering body for the first time in months. Harry suddenly felt a sting in the corners of his eyes and had to force down a broken sob. Fuck, he was a mess. Such a mess. He had to focus."

🌕 wanna taste your heart, don't interfere by (orphan_account) (16k)

Harry still remembers how unsure he felt when he first told Louis, how self-conscious he was. Louis had been nothing but understanding and kind, though, reassuring him that nothing’s going to change between them, that they’re still best friends regardless of sex. Harry had been mostly relieved at that, because he really doesn’t want to lose Louis as a friend over this, but another part of him had been a bit sad because… well, because nothing changed between them. Or rather, there is change, but it’s completely one-sided as far as Harry can tell.

This change being him not getting enough of the way Louis smells. He just can’t help it, is the thing, unable to stop himself from trying to subtly press his nose against the fabric of Louis’ shirt by his shoulders. He still smells like faint cologne and sweat, which is enough to make Harry start feeling slightly dizzy.

(harry presents as an omega, louis is his alpha best friend, and there are hidden feelings that just get harder to control.)

🌕 lemon eyes by turnyourankle (50k)

It's not proper for omegas to mess around with alphas before finding their bondmate. But Harry doesn't give a damn what's proper and fully intends on getting as much experience as he can before even trying to find one. As far as he's concerned, the right alpha won't care, and he'll have some fun on the way.

And who better to start with than Louis Tomlinson, the alpha with the worst reputation on campus?

🌕 hard to confess by hereforlou (24k)

One, they only did it without a condom once (and a half) and not during his heat. Never during his heat. Two, he never once forgot to take his birth control (he’s almost sure). Three, his plan is to be married for a year before he even starts trying for a baby, and not only is he very, very single, him and Louis aren’t even sleeping together anymore. Which brings him to reason number four why this can’t be happening: Louis. Louis doesn’t want a baby with Harry. (Or, the one where Harry knows he messed up and Louis knows nothing.)

🌕 Drunk on Rose Water by brainwaves (9k)

It’s the first time in a few years that Harry has a strong desire to risk everything for something he loves.The last time, it was being a fashion model. This time, it’s Louis.

🌕 The Beast You’ve Made of Me by ashtarok/ orphan_account (4k)

The bell tinkled, and Harry froze as an overpowering scent, musky and thick, crisp and slightly sweet, yet utterly masculine, delightfully tickled his senses. Harry’s eyes slowly slid up to see the source of this wonderful scent, and his breath was taken away at the sex god before him, all muscled and compact and utterly screaming of Alpha. Icy blue eyes stared him down, set off by sharp cheekbones, a stubbled jaw that looked yummy enough to nibble on, and caramel hair, which was lazily gelled, a few pieces falling over his forehead. His skin was tan, his hands strong and steady, his biceps still clearly visible even through his jacket. Every fiber of Harry’s being stood at full alert. The one where Harry’s a vanilla-sweet Omega and Louis walks into his bakery one day.

🌕 The Bond That Can't Be Broken by louisgrindsonharry (10k)

Louis’ an alpha and Harry’s an omega. They never really stood a chance.

🌕 Between the Shadow and the Soul by MiniMangaFan/ orphan_account (6k)

“It’s just easier to stay in Donny and train, Haz,” Louis says quietly. “Two transatlantic flights in less than a week right before a big match is a terrible idea. We should have known that before, but...”

Harry nods. It’s reasonable. It’s totally, completely reasonable and Harry can support that. Another five or six days of not being able to hold Louis’ hand and kiss him sweetly is killing Harry, but he can handle it. “Okay, so that’s, what, the 20th that you’ll be coming over here?”

Louis hesitates, and Harry has to bite back a frustrated growl. “I’ve got writing sessions and time in the studio scheduled as of yesterday, plus I’m supposed to get papped clubbing in London again and just… it’s shit but there’s no time to make the trip until early May, at the least.”

Or, Harry and Louis spend a month apart.

🌕 Let’s Embrace The Point Of No Return by sweaterpawstyles (6k)

Louis was a whole new scale of beautiful, he was richer than Harry could've ever imagined, and he was the most powerful, dominant alpha that Harry had ever come in contact with. The only problem now is that Louis is also Harry's boss.

Louis believed Harry was an alpha, and had no idea about how he had lied about his status just to get an interview with Louis. He was in too deep now and he couldn't look back.

Or

Harry is an omega intern at an all alpha company. Louis is his boss. There's some complications.

🌕 All These Lights by MediaWhore (34k)

“People vote for alphas because they’re strong and they’re not only beautiful but also mesmerizing. They make you want to give them all of your attention, make you want to beg for some of theirs back. They’re shiny, oozing sex appeal and a commanding presence, and people always want more and more. Omegas are enticing too for sure, but it’s not the same. It makes people uncomfortable. It doesn’t make them want to root for you.”the canon fic where Harry is an omega and dreams come with a price.

🌕 resolutions and lovers in the kitchen by MarchieTheHare/orphan_account (10k)

Their dinner’s probably going cold, but this feels monumental. So instead of sitting them down on the table and talking about it face to face over chicken and pasta, Harry just puts his hands over Louis’ where they’re settled on his lower stomach, not letting the moment slip past them. He takes a deep breath, carefully arranging his thoughts. “She looks really lovely, Louis. Positively glowing. Her bump’s so big, and…” he trails off, breath hitching slightly when Louis lifts his hand higher, settling it right over Harry’s stomach, and that’s—

“And what, baby?” Louis asks, voice now dropped to a whisper, and Harry has to take a moment to collect his thoughts.

“She, um. She knows about you, of course, and she asked me when we’re—when we’re having a baby of our own.”

(harry teaches little kids and louis writes sports articles. they're trying for a baby.)

🌕 i’ll be hurt from the heat (running from the heat) by itiswhatitisbutterfly (11k)

It’s engrained into him, nothing else matters, protecting Harry at all costs is what pumps his heart and floods his veins. It’s just, he didn’t count on the one thing Harry would need protecting from would be himself.

(Harry and Louis are in love, and they are probably soul mates. They just can’t be bond mates because despite the undeniable pull, it’s them against the world.) 

Alpha Harry / Alpha Louis

🌕 No Easy Love (Could Make Me Feel This Way) by allwaswell16 (17k)

There’s never been anyone for Harry but Louis. He had always thought their love would last forever, despite society’s pressures on an alpha/alpha relationship. When Louis breaks up with him and moves to Chicago, he’s suddenly left behind to pick up the pieces of the life they once shared. Instead of moving on, he finds reasons to keep Louis in his life and in the process begins to piece together what went wrong.

Or an Alpha Louis/Alpha Harry au where they get a second chance to make things right with the love of their life.

🌕 Alpha Seeking Alpha by jaerie (3k)

Maybe it's taboo, but Louis can't stop thinking about a strong alpha holding him down and filling him with a knot. Louis may be alpha himself yet there's a corner of the internet where he can get what he wants. He finally has the courage to do it.

🌕 Cancel your reservations, no more hesitations by 14hrflight (22k)

Louis still has his eyes on the bill when he barges into Harry’s room without knocking because he doesn’t want to get evicted and the smell hits him first.

It’s overly sweet and unnatural, and his stomach drops because it smells like an omega. Louis eyes widen and he looks up and - Harry’s on his hands and knees, a half spilled bottle of synthetic omega slick next to him and a huge, knotted dildo pressing into his hole. Harry’s face is flushed and he looks fucked-out and -

“I’m sorry!” Louis squeaks out and quickly backtracks, face red, because he wasn’t supposed to see that and Harry’s an alpha but he - Louis isn’t going to judge him.

--

Louis is an alpha and so is Harry, but Louis helps him through his rut anyway.

🌕 swimming in a champagne sea by delsicle (16k)

Louis is a supermodel. Harry is a celebrity photographer known for capturing the brightest up and comers in their most candid moments. They meet at London’s most exclusive New Year’s Eve party.

An alpha/alpha fic filled with confusion, banter, Ubers, and glitter

Omega Harry / Omega Louis

🌕 A Firm Believer and a Warm Receiver by objectlesson (10k) @horsegirlharry

a few months ago, Louis had his first heat. It was no big deal, aside from it being awkward and weird and all the other things it was supposed to be. He figured he would present as an omega, so he wasn’t exactly surprised or anything.

But then, last week, Harry had his first heat, too.Or, the omega/omega sleepover fic no one asked for but y'all really, really need.

🌕 Even Your Honey Dew by objectlesson (9k)

It probably says something about Harry that he’s so obsessed with another omega’s arse.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #232

“i’ve never bought a suit before in my life, but when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice.”

Do you have trouble typing when the room is dark? No, I don't look at the keyboard. When’s the last time you had a headache? I had an abomination of a three-day-long headache before my cycle like a week or two back or something. How often do you take surveys? Not as much as I used to now that I actually have school, but occasionally. What did you last write on paper? I think some items to Mom's shopping list? Does anything on your body hurt? No. What do you currently hear? "Bullet" by Hollywood Undead. I can hear cars outside, as well as Bentley biting himself incessantly. Sounds gross. Do you have any goals you’re trying to fulfill? As for in the near future, hopefully - I'd pray if I believed in it by this point - start losing weight again. Grow more in my photography, 1.) because I want this so badly and 2.) there's no way I could handle the stress of school and a "real" job but we're in serious need of money right now. I'd really like to make progress with driving too, but I haven't been able to in months because a headlight in broken, the license plate or whatever is expired, and the car can't pass inspection, so Mom doesn't want me at the steering wheel and get pulled over for it. Being on the borderline poverty line is A BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you ever do the dishes? I'mma be real, real honest here. Not really. Reason being we don't have a dishwasher and I am super queasy actually hand-cleaning dirty dishes, I get frustrated because I feel I don't clean them well enough (being a germaphobe is also fun), and my OCD goes absolutely insane trying to play Tetris with the drying rack thingy. All that being said, it's my least-favorite chore. At your house, does everyone eat together as a family? No. We started to drift apart when I was... maybe a pre-teen? When did you last have butterflies in your stomach? Sara decided she wanted to try making out and I was fucking terrified of going too far or scaring her. Are you independent or dependent? I'm embarrassingly dependent. Who last made you smile? My pup. How did you find Bzoink? Taking surveys for so long. What’s your dream job? If travel and heat weren't considered, a meerkat biologist. Do you brush your teeth twice every day? Just once. Do you have a pool? No. Are the streetlights on? We don't have streetlights on my road. When you wear a hoodie, do you pull the sleeves over your hands? Not unless I'm really cold. Do you trust anyone, besides yourself, fully? Sara. I would say Mom, but I'm entirely aware she's lied and made stories up about Dad. Do you believe the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”? No. I've never really understood this. People change. Are you in any advanced classes at school? I bypassed the freshman English class, yeah. Well, is that considered "advanced?" I don't believe it's like an AP course or anything, but it's not a class I'm supposed to be taking as a freshman, so??? How often do you eat your favorite food? Every once in a while. Have you ever fallen asleep on public transport? (including planes) Probably. What was the last TV show you watched? Uhhhh I think it was all the way back when Colleen and I were still friends and we checked out The Good Doctor. Or it was either Parks and Recreation with Sara and her family or Avatar: The Last Airbender, also with Sara. Where was the last place you went on vacation/holiday to? Who’d you go with? The beach with Colleen, her husband, and their son. Well, does that count since it was only for a day? Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? I don't have a job. What’s your favorite type of donut? It varies between chocolate frosted, glazed, and plain. What do you usually eat for breakfast? If I even eat, it'll probably be like, a meal replacement shake or Pop-Tart. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Surprisingly. When was the last time you went out for dinner? Like at a sit-down restaurant? Hm. I think it was El Tapatio with my mom and Nicole maybe near two months ago. What was the last thing you said to someone else in person? Idr, something to Mom. Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Windows. How many times do you call someone on the phone a week? Like zero, usually. Have you cooked anything today? What was it? No. Do you have a lot of cousins? What are their names? Yeah. I'm not sharing all their names on the Internet, and besides, I don't even know most. What does your shampoo smell like? I don’t know. What about the body wash or soap you’re using at the moment? I don't remember, even though I got out of the shower like an hour ago. Any movies you’ve seen recently that you’d recommend to me? No, I barely ever watch movies. Why did you last go see a doctor? The primary reason was for my night terrors. Do you know how to play Minesweeper? No. What was the last thing you bought online? A new heat lamp for my snake Venus. Where do you usually park your car? I don't have a car, but Mom parks in the driveway behind the house. Does your mail get delivered to your house or do you have to collect it? It's put in the mailbox on the other side of the road. Are you more logical or creative? Creative, I'd say. Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Usually. How many times a year do you go on vacation? Pretty much never. Can you curl your tongue or do anything else cool with it? I can curl it a little bit, but my snake eyes piercing prevents me from doing it all that well. What was the last job interview you went to? For a deli position at a Food Lion. Got the job, lasted not even two hours. :^) What embarrassing music do you listen to? I'm not really *embarrassed* of any I listen to. Just kinda surprising to admit to some people sometimes. What’s your biggest talent? Writing, I guess? What’s the best gift you ever received? My dog. What fear would you like to overcome? More than ANYTHING? Probably being judged in a negative way or being seen as "weird," and not in a good way. AvPD is a bitch and makes me less open about myself (mostly just irl, but yeah), which I REALLY don't like. Would you rather ride in a hot air balloon or hang-glide? Hm, hang-glide, maybe. I dunno. What habit would you like to break? Procrastinating, lately. Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I can think of a few, but here's the one that had the most biggest effect on me, I think. There was one time Jason and I were kissing, I told him I loved him, and he whispered, "I love you too, wife," before going back to kissing me. Remembering that still hurts, a lot. I know now us separating was for the better, I don't want someone who doesn't have faith in my strength, just the memories like those from the time I was convinced our love story was a fairy tale are very painful. Just typing it caused a discomfort in my stomach. What’s your worst personality trait? Laziness, probably. Or impulsiveness. Have you ever cheated on a test? No. What’s your favorite karaoke song? I don't sing karaoke. Do you know anyone with two different colored eyes? I don't believe so. What was the last thing you bought for someone else? Sara's anniversary present, which was a pillow that said something along the lines of, "Hug this pillow until you can hug me" or something. Do you like hot fudge sundaes? My fat ass can't even associate with you if you don't like HOT FUDGE SUNDAES????????????? Do you like to sleep a lot? It's funny, I tend to like naps during the day, yet I don't look forward to trying to go to sleep at night. It always takes longer, and there's also the possibility of just waking back up and struggling to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. Is there a garbage can in the room you’re currently in? No. Have you ever been in a class that you thought you were too smart for? I don't think so. Can you type without looking at the keyboard? Yeah. We had a mandatory typing course in middle school, so I learned it exceptionally well. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Who was the last person you apologized to? Maybe Sara? Do you throw things when you’re frustrated? NO. I am very conscious of not expressing my anger with physical violence of any sort. How much do you get paid at your current job? N/A Are your friends mostly older than you or younger than you? I think younger. Would you ever get a pet tarantula? Nah. Do you want to dye your hair? Ugh, you have no idea. What’s your favorite zoo animal? Meerkats, duh. Is there anything in your room you’d be ashamed to show to your parents? I'm VERY self-conscious of my artwork, so I'd be mortified if my mom saw my drawings, even though there's nothing "wrong" with them. I'm just shy about 'em. Have you ever accused someone of cheating when they weren’t? Yeah, hence the end of that day-long relationship. Him cheating was a lie from his insane ex, but at the time, I just believed it, but it was absolutely for the better. He wasn't for me. I really shoulda just listened when my art teacher literally took me aside one day and warned me about him. Wha'd'ya know, he wound up on house arrest or something similar, and who the hell knows what he's done by now. When was the last time you played hide and seek? I played with my niece and nephew some months ago. Don’t you hate when people stare at you? Fuckin' yes. I'm too self-conscious for that shit. Have you ever accidentally caught yourself on fire? Well thank god no. Are you Jewish? No. Does anyone copy the things you do? No. Is your dad still alive? Yes, yay. Have you done anything lately that you instantly felt was a mistake? Possibly. What melts your heart/makes your knees weak? Watching Mark with kids causes me severe physical pain. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape. What are your views on spontaneous human combustion? Freaky. Parasite Eve first made me think "oh shit what if this could actually happen," and I've also watched a Shane Dawson video about it, and the idea of it possibly being a real thing is absolutely terrifying. How many dryer sheets do you put in an average load of laundry? I think Mom uses one or two? I dunno. Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship? No. What is your favorite frozen treat? Ice cream. Do you have a sexual fantasy? ...What is it? There's probably something I could think up. Maybe like bang on a church pew or something lmao idk. Who was the last person to insult you? I'm not sure. What color is your brush/comb/whatever? White. Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when its hot in your room? It is almost entirely impossible. Have you ever purposely given someone wrong directions? No, but then again, it's not like I even give them. I have a horrible sense of direction and don't know street names, highway numbers and locations... What is your favorite thing to do with your best friend? I'm not sure. Everything is fun with her. Are you easily offended? It depends. In most contexts, no. Have you ever acted as tour guide for friends/relatives from out of town? Not really. If you were an anime character, would you be a yandere or a tsundere? HAHAHA I AM PAINFULLY A YANDERE. If you have glasses, do you get days when you don’t feel like wearing them? No, because I like to see. Have you ever played bingo at an actual bingo hall? No. Ha ha, this reminds me tho, I can't recall if he did it once or just WANTED to, but my brother may have gone into one, yelled "BINGO," and immediately left. Did your parents ever collect any magazines they didn’t want you to read? Uhhhh no. I'm quiiiiite sure neither of my parents had those. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter and it reached its goal? No. I probably would if I had excess money and really believed in it, though. Is there a color combination that holds a significance to you? Because Jason's favorite thing in the world was the Joker, seeing purple and bright green together is one I just prefer not to see. I wouldn't call it a PTSD trigger, like I don't freak out about it, it's just like an "ugh ew" sorta thing. If you use Facebook, do you ever look at the Memories page? No. I cringe 90% of the time when they pop up. Do you have a drawer where you just throw some random stuff? No. Have you ever had to provide an alibi for something? No. What’s the funniest shirt that you own? I have a Batman one I'm trying to shrink back into that says something like "I wish I was Batman but I'm poor and hate fighting" & I love it. What is something you absolutely refuse to pay for? Idk off the top of my head. Has a stray/runaway cat or a dog ever followed you home? Cats, I think? If so, what did you do with it? Fed it with the other cats, and I'd assume Mom would've called the owner's number if given. If you could grow a beard or a mustache, would you? I'm a cisgender female so like... Is there a stranger you expect to see every day? No. What is something you take pride in? I'm proud of just how deeply and genuinely I care about people. And my writing and photography, mostly. What does the nicest dish set you own look like? All our dishes are literally the same, and they're ancient. I think they were my grandma's but given to Mom. Pattern's worn and everything. They're ceramic with a floral design. Why did you stop working at the last place you were employed? I absolutely cannot be in a position of responsibility or customer service, and the environment was way too busy. What would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? I... don't know how I would react? Picturing it, I first feel like I'd be so happy for him, but I KNOW my PTSD would act up at some point shortly after and I would probably end up in a bawling ball (lol "bowling ball" that wasn't intended sorry) because "that was supposed to be me," but then I'd be fine again after I got all that emotion out. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in front of you? Someone at school. You can smoke outside, and it's the one thing I don't like about my college. Are you very close to your siblings? Not nearly as close as I wish we were. How often do you watch the news? Never. Do you have a dishwasher? No. What is the worst lie you’ve ever told? I don't like talking about it. Well, it wasn't a lie, but I stretched the truth because anxiety's a goddamn asshole. Where is the last place you drove to? I drove to, probably home. What is your favorite Disney movie? The Lion King. I may even like the live-action remake more, but I can't say with certainty. Do you have a fan in your room? Yeah. What color is your lampshade? I don't have a lamp. Do you like to wear belts? Not anymore. What is the most expensive electronic in your room? This laptop. Only a year old and yet it's so abused with how much it's used. Are you involved with any charity work? I wish I was in the position where I could, anyway. Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? No. Have you ever hatched an egg? OKAY SO! I remember in elementary school, maybe like 1st grade or something, we incubated a chicken egg and hatched it. I can't remember where it went. Do you chew gum on a daily basis? No, I rarely do. What brand shampoo do you use? Suave. When is the last time you went to an amusement park? Years ago shortly before the breakup with Jason and Dillon. Or Dustin. Whatever his name was. Do you have a garden shed in your backyard? Nope. Are you obsessed with anything? Y'all know I don't know how to love in moderation, not even remotely. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I hate diet, and the artificial sweetener also gives me serious headaches. Who was the last person you hugged? My mom, maybe? What did you do when you found out Michael Jackson died? We were swimming in the pool while Mom or Dad was grilling, idr. What’s your best friend’s favorite band? Pink Floyd, Evanescence, and Within Temptation. What’s your favorite kind of beer? Never tried it, don't want to. How do you get songs out of your head? Binge it 'til I'm tired of it lmao. Have you seen all the High School Musicals? I've only seen the first two. Do you dress appropriately for your age? I don't know? Probably not? Do "normal" 23-year-olds wear graphic tees? What’s your favorite word? "Serendipity." What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? A serious stomach virus that made me puke all the food I'd eaten since birth. Do you take compliments well? Of course I appreciate them, but I get shy. Are excessive piercings sexy or trashy? Well they're definitely not "trashy," but SERIOUSLY excessive ones, I don't usually find attractive. But it really depends on the person, the size, and where. What do you put on toast? Cinnamon, sugar, and butter. The Southern cinnamon toast. Have you ever watched Fear Factor? I LOVED it when I was younger, and I still enjoy it if I happen to see it. Joe Rogan was one of my earliest crushes, too. How many songs do you have on iTunes? Over 1k. What song reminds you of summer? MAN I remember as a kid, back when I liked country, my sisters and I loved "When The Sun Goes Down" by Kenny Chesney. Big summer vibes. Has a bird ever flown into your window? OH WOW I don't think so, but I do remember one flew into the car's grill when I was very young and going on a trip. Safe to say it died.

[tmiquotepage]

I REALLY Need Advice

(LONG post, but I appreciate any feedback you guys can offer me here!)

I currently work as a babysitter for three wonderful children for the summer. They are 7, 10, and 13. I used to watch them before school during the school year, and I watched them for Spring Break as well. The parents got a divorce not long after I started working for them, and so the kids travel back and forth between two apartments five minutes apart. That's the gist of the background.

Now, normally, my fee for babysitting, especially for 3 kids, is $10/hr. The hours I agreed to at the beginning of the summer were 6 am until 3 pm. (I also live 30 minutes away, but my hour of commuting and my gas were never on the table for reimbursement.) Well, the mom asked me on Spring Break if, since I would be watching the kids for 8 weeks, we could do $300 a week, as $450 would get "quite expensive after 8 weeks" (like, yeah. Individualized care for kids is expensive. If you want cheaper, put em in a camp or daycare. Jesus.). I got her to raise that amount to $350, because $300 for 45 hours a week is highway robbery and less than minimum wage. I wouldn’t be able to afford my car and the gas to move this summer. Okay. That was settled.

Summer time rolls around and, at the end of the school year, the mom gets a new boyfriend, who immediately moves in with her. We'll talk about this dude later, because WHEW. Anyway, despite the fact that this dude is constantly hungover and/or day drinking and/or sleeping, the mom decides he is an adequate babysitter for the kids a few days a week. So, my schedule becomes completely confusing (as in, the mom will literally wait until 10 pm the night before to tell me whether or not she needs me the next day, whether she wants me to come in late, etc.). Keep in mind, even though we said "$350 a week," I am really getting paid $70/day. Which is the same thing. Unless you get told at last minute that you aren't needed for the three days of the week the mom has the kids with her boyfriend, in which case, it's only $140. So, I am already having issues with how much I am getting paid BEFORE I get into the shit show that is the family dynamic I have to work with.

Now, let's talk about the family. I'll obviously give codenames, not real names, because I'm not a monster. We'll start with the parents, Popeye (Dad) and Diva (Mom).

Popeye is a good dad. Works hard, doesn't make a ton of money, but always spends what he has on his kids. His apartment has more kids toys than signs of being a bachelor pad. He works hard, hasn't seen anyone since the divorce. His primary focus has ALWAYS been his kids. He cooks dinner for them almost every night (eating out is MAD rare. He's a really good cook.) He is ex-Navy, so he can be a bit strict. He doesn't accept mouthing off or being rude, but he also isn't mean. I have never seen him yell at his children or get angry. He is completely in control of his emotions around them. He's not a huge hardass about censoring his kids either. He'll let them listen to explicit rap music, play war video games with the kids. He's careful, but not overprotective. He is a balanced, comfortable, imperfect but loving parent

And then there's Diva™️. Diva is an Australian transplant who has a master's degree in the art of giving facials. She is all about pristine living, Michael Kors jackets, and acting way more rich and perfect than she is (though she has a LOT more money than Popeye). Acts like she is God's gift to all mankind. She has a boyfriend, who we will call JT, that she puts above all else - including her 3 children. Dinner at her house is almost always take out because, as her 10 year old tells me, she knows how to cook, but badly, and she's just too lazy to do it. She runs her own business, is constantly looking for groupons for the kids to use. Or rather, looks for cheap things "kids their age" would like. I am convinced she knows nothing about her children's likes and dislikes. Their rooms are her house are sterile and clean and don't have much feeling. Whenever things are out of place, she makes them clean it up and chastises them because "they are old enough to know better." She acts the part of the nurturing, caring, all-natural mother, but her eyes and words are always cool and sharp as a blade. She, the small woman I could probably break like a toothpick, scares me more than the buff retired navy father or the ex-con she has living with her and her children. I get the feeling, from the way the kids talk about her, that they have the same fears as I do.

As a tack on the end of the adult descriptions, allow me to tell you the bit I know about JT, the mom's boyfriend. He is significantly younger than her, halfway between the ages of her and her 13 year old daughter. He is a hot head. No job. Sleeps most of the day. Often leave the apartment reeking of booze. Often hungover. Has been in jail before, though I am unsure as to what he was arrested for. From what the kids said, I believe it was some sort of assault, burglary, or armed robbery. He occasionally cooks the meals at the house, which means the kids are at least getting a little bit of non-fast-food when they stay there (or, as the mom puts it, when they “visit.” They apparently don't “live” there. They visit, like you might visit a grandparent.). He has a daughter that is 10 years old, who also lives with him at Diva's house when she isn't with her mom. JT is confrontational with Diva's 10 year old boy, which I'll talk about later. I never feel comfortable when he is around, because he seems misogynistic (he called his daughter a ho for wearing yoga pants out to play) and always looks like he's ready to start a fight. Even though he and the mom are just dating, he already acts like a stepdad to Diva's kid, and he is NOT the good kind. When the kids do something he doesn't like, he will call Diva and tell her to chastise and punish the children. Occasionally, he even gives them punishments like grounding them for three weeks, even though he has ZERO authority to do so. Diva always takes his side in arguments.

On to the kids. Diva and Popeye have three: Uni (13), Pathfinder (10), and Sharknado (7). JT has one daughter, Mellie (10).

Uni is the most mature of the kids. She is a very talented artist who has been dealing really well with the divorce, as she surrounds herself with friends, a positive attitude, and creative outlets, like skateboarding and drawing. She cooks for herself often, and easily adapts to whichever situation she is in. It rarely ever feels like a chore to watch her when we go somewhere. She helps with the boys when I am swamped, occasionally, and knows how to calm the youngest's tantrums. The only real issue I have with her is when she and the middle child get in arguments and she tried to mother him and chastise him. It doesn't go well.

Next up, we have Pathfinder. Pathfinder is a 10 year old boy, the middle child. He plays video games very well, and has a soft heart which he will show when you prove he can trust you. He is, by far, the best dancer and beat spitter in the whole family, and he is proud of the fact. Pathfinder has a few behavioral issues where he will lie, and push boundaries every once in a while. He gets heated when playing video games, and often plays way too roughly and/or doesn't share with his little brother. Pathfinder, however, I understand more than I think I used to. He is a middle child with a sick younger brother and an older sister who wants nothing to do with him. He gets bullied at school and doesn’t make friends easily. He is starting to show early signs of major depression. Perhaps most importantly, Pathfinder is not taking the divorce well. More specifically, he clashes like hell with Diva's boyfriend. JT often picks fights with him and gets in his face. JT constantly feels the need to assert authority over Pathfinder and intimidate him. Pathfinder has shared with me that he never feels comfortable staying with JT. He begs me to take him to his dad's, to get him out of the apartment whenever possible. A few weeks ago, he stood up for himself to the boyfriend. JT gog in his face and yelled at him, then grounded him off all electronics (which, let's be honest, was because he wanted to play Pathfinder's Xbox at Diva's apartment without Pathfinder telling him no, because he's the one that got it for his birthday). When Pathfinder told his dad that he didn't want to go to his mom's anymore, the mother called the kid while we were at the store getting supplies for a craft project to tell him he was grounded for longer and that she was now going to shave his hair that he's been growing out for two years because he isn't respecting her boyfriend. She told me he wasn't allowed to even do our craft or watch TV. He could “sit on the couch and twiddle his thumbs" all day. (I eventually said fuck it and let him do whatever he wanted because we were at Popeye's place, and I could see that this kid was positively distraught.) He is STILL grounded, 3 weeks later. Yesterday, JT came out of his bedroom while the kids were talking, got in Pathfinder's face and started calling him gay because his shorts were sagging a bit. I took Pathfinder to Popeye's because he was shaken at the altercation, and told his mom what happened. Her ONLY response was “[Pathfinder]’s main problem is that he can't take direction or obey adults, and he needs to work on that.” What's worse about this situation is this kid has since told me (since he knows I am gay and proud and accepting) that he feels like he might be bisexual. He doesn't feel like he’d be safe if his mom and JT found out he is interested in a boy in his class. Pathfinder has openly stated that he hates his life, dreads staying at his mom's place, feels completely alone, thinks no one loves him. He barely calls her “mom" anymore. He has said that, if she goes through with shaving his head, he will never call her “mom” again, and will basically disown her as his mother. Keep in mind with all this shit that this child is 10. Ten years old and already a god damned nearly suicide risk, judging by his words and behavior lately. I had a meltdown yesterday when I realized this much because, unless this kid get serious help, he could very easily be just another name on the news in the coming years, and that breaks my heart.

Finally, we have the youngest child of Popeye and Diva, Sharknado. Sharknado is seven. Sharknado is a total trainwreck in the behavioral department. This kid has an adrenal insufficiency that means he is reliant on a steroid the way a diabetic is reliant on insulin. He is a bit more prone to disease than other kids. As a result, the mother babies the ever-loving shit out of him. She lets him get away with absolutely everything, and blames Pathfinder if they are ever in an argument. Tells Pathfinder he has to be gentle with his little brother. As a result of this parenting, Sharknado is a MAJOR tantrum thrower, even at age seven. If we are not playing the game he wants to play, the screaming and stomping starts. If he is losing, the screaming and stomping starts. If we are not actively paying attention to him, he will scream and make a spectacle of himself. Where the mother loves seeing that Pathfinder has an issue taking direction from adults, she is blind to the fact that her youngest is exponentially worse. When we go to the store, he runs off. When we go out to do something, he is instantly bored. When I tell him not to touch things in the store, he thinks it is funny to grab it an run away from me. If he is in any way unhappy, he will drop onto the floor and start screaming. Even in public (bowling alley, the zoo). Rules just do not apply to him, and he is positively dumbfounded when you try to correct this behavior through punishment (like taking away a toy, or banning video games for the day). We played the quiet game one day where all winner would get a dollar when we got back (because I had a headache and it was an hour drive and they just kept arguing). He talked the entire ride home, and the others didn't. They got a dollar each, he didn't. He pitched the biggest fit, pounding on the floor screaming, hiding under the bed, saying he wished he was dead because I was being so mean to him. He is always yelling about “fairness" when you tell him “no.” I don't think he actually knows what the word means. Sharknado is a nightmare who never listens and screams his head off on a daily basis, louder when I tell him to stop. And yet the mom has never threatened to chop his locks off. He is her perfect angel.

Lastly, I'll introduce you to Mellie, JT's daughter. She is 10. She is kind and generally respectful, which I assume comes from her mother's side. She is a daddy's girl, however, and so takes on her father's qualities when it comes to his treatment of Diva's kids. She's best friends with Uni, which is great, because Uni needed a girl friend to hang out with during the summer. She let’s Sharknado win in games and babies him. And, of course, she constantly belittles and picks fights with Pathfinder. This week was the first week I was babysitting her as well, so I don’t know much more than that.

So here's my main problem (yeah, all the above was essentially preface. That's the stuff I am USED to putting up with for barely minimum wage). This week, I watched the kids at Popeye's apartment Monday and Friday, with the rest of the days at Diva's. JT was at Diva's, but he is unable to travel, I guess, and two of the kids had dentist appointments two of the days. So, I went. At Diva's request, I came in later at 10 am on Tuesday and Wednesday, then 7:30 am in Thursday. On Tuesday, the kids were having a pillow fight in the apartment at, like, 1 pm, which apparently woke JT up, so he came lumbering out of the bedroom, snatched up the Xbox controller Pathfinder was using to find a YouTube video, and yelled at everyone – Mellie included – to get dressed and go play outside. I was then (without ever being asked) babysitting a fourth child outside with my three. We ended up going to the pool all three days, too, by the way. Three days with 4 kids in a pool. I stayed an hour late the first day, and an hour and a half late yesterday, too, because I came in late. I drove the kids to their appointments, and also made 4 different trips to and from Popeye's apartment to retrieve things for the children, and I drove the girls around to gather ingredients for their bake sale. Keep in kind, it was nearly 50 miles just with the kids in my car (not counting my commute or anything) that I was not getting reimbursed for. I also went and spent $60 on pool toys for the kids (including Mellie), because I love them and want them to have a great time. I spent personal money, knowing I wouldn't get reimbursed. But here's the kicker. When I contacted Diva to ask about adjusted payment to include the fourth child, she just said (I swear I could literally hear venom dripping from her teeth) “of course I won't short you for those days, even though you came in late. You will get the full $350 we agreed on.” Basically, even though she is already paying me peanuts, she assumes the fourth child is covered by the extra hours in the day I didn't come in. As if I shouldn't be getting paid at least $70/day, regardless of what hours I work, because even that is barely acceptable for the job I do. I should also mention that she and the dad split the childcare costs. So, if she really is saying the rest of that $350 completely covers the cost of a fourth kid, that means Popeye is shelling out childcare costs for his ex-wife's boyfriend's daughter.

So that's my situation right now. I just want advice, you guys. Should I stay, leave, ask for more per week? I mean, the thing is, I know the dad will pay more if I ask, but he's already spread pretty thin with the income. Diva is the one who always asks me to cart the kids places and has me watching extra kids and do extra stuff like crafts with them, and she’s the one who makes so much money, but she's the one who is being stingy and not giving me what I deserve. It bugs me. I just need advice on future steps, guys. I love these kids, and I don't want to just leave and have them think it was something they did wrong, but I am at the end of my mental rope. What do I do here?

[beencaughts]

OMG the emoji!!! 💏 !!

⊰ v. no reason ⊱  

…out of anger

Iola wished that she wasn’t such a jealous person. Jason had only been gone for 10 minutes, but her mind couldn’t stop racing - her emotions couldn’t stop getting the best of her. She was angry he was being secretive about meeting up with her. She was angry that this was the first time in a week that she was finally home and Jason was bailing on her. She was angry that his ex had him in the most intimate ways imaginable. Iola was just angry. And maybe all of the reasons why she was angry was all her fault, but the blonde all of her capability to rational when all she could see was red. Deep down, Iola knew that all of this was stemming from her own insecurities about losing Jason again. Their breakup made her realize that Jason was the only person for her in every sector of her life, and it really hurt her that during that same time he was looking for someone to replace her with. The clock read 10:23pm, the inside of her cheek sore from her chewing on it for the past hour and a half. Iola felt restless, deciding to busy herself with packing for her next business trip in a few days. At 10:47pm, she heard their front door click open and close which only made her heart pummel against her chest. God, she tried so hard to fool him that she wasn’t angry when he walked into their bedroom to greet her, but Jason was just too smart for that. “I’m sorry that I don’t like my boyfriend hanging out with girls that he fucked. Especially since you tried to dance around the fact you were going out with her anyway!” She griped, her face turning a bright red from all the adrenaline pumping through her body. Iola ran a frustrated hand through her hair, taking a deep breath before she moved closer to her boyfriend. “I don’t see why it’s so hard for you to understand that. I know I’m crazy as hell, but why can’t you see it’s because I don’t want to lose you? I just—I see you going off with them and I — fuck— I just get so angry.” And she was still so pissed, but with all this emotion building up in her and looking at the love of her life, Iola just couldn’t help herself, and she forcefully pressed her lips against his. Iola did it because she was angry, but she also desperate. Desperate to know that she had nothing to worry about, that he wasn’t going anywhere. She pulled away, her lips now matching the color of her face. “I just love you so damn much, Jason.”

⊰ v. what if ⊱ 

…as a ‘yes’

Arianna and Ashton had so much chemistry that no one ever truly understood even from watching the show. Their friendship was portrayed just like that — a friendship— when what they had was so much more than that. The editors and producers knew focusing on her relationship with Zayn was much more interesting for viewers because Ari and Zayn were complicated. They were an absolute mess together even before they began dating. And of course, that had been their downfall after they began dating and even married. Those moments where it was calm, were never truly that way. It always before a storm, and the storm was always at Arianna’s expense. How much longer was she to put up with a man that constantly put her through pain when she had another one ready to love her as is? Cheating on her husband was never apart of Arianna’s plan; she wanted to believe that eventually, her marriage was going to be stable. But with Ashton, there was never a moment where she had to wait to feel stable or that her heart wasn’t safe with him. The time she spent with him was the highlights of her week, and Arianna had to realize that the things she felt with Ashton were what she should’ve been feeling with her husband. Arianna’s hands trembled as she rung Ashton’s doorbell, taking labored breaths as she waited for him to answer. She had never been this nervous in her life, but once Ashton opened the door with his messy curls and beautiful hazel eyes, Ari knew that she was making the right decision. The blonde took a step inside, a slight smile etched onto her face. Of course, Ashton was asking her a million questions because the only time she showed up unannounced was when Zayn pissed her off, but she just laughed and took his hands into hers. “Ashton, nothing happened. I just wanted to see you. Can’t a girl just casually visit her friend?” It was painfully obvious, though, from the way she was beaming at him that it wasn’t all she wanted, but luckily, Ashton didn’t ask too many questions. However, three hours later, Arianna couldn’t sit there anymore without telling him why she was really there. “I have a present for you,” Ari announced, handing over the folder she brought with her with a shiny red bow on it. The petite woman couldn’t hold in her excitement when Ashton opened it and looked at her with shocked eyes, asking if she was being serious. She nodded, “Yeah, I’m really getting a divorce.” And then his eyes grew bigger once he realized why she was telling him that. Arianna’s smile reached her eyes at this point as she moved closer and closer to him until their faces were inches apart. Ashton asked her if she was being serious once more, but instead of offering him a verbal answer, Ari closed the gap between their lips — a smile still on her face.

⊰ july 17th ⊱  

…out of joy

1 year. 3 months. 2 weeks. 6 days. That is how long Arianna and Zayn had been trying for their fourth child. They weren’t quite sure why it was so hard this time around when they conceived their first three children fairly easily — planned or not. Zayn had a lot going on with his music and other projects these days. Arianna was trying to finish the book she began writing with the very little time she had because she had to be a mom before she was anything else, the same going for Zayn. And top all of that onto trying to keep the spark in their relationship alive, Arianna was starting to figure out that maybe they were just too busy to get the job done. Maybe it wasn’t the right time for them to have another baby, and the world was just trying to tell them to wait until their lives weren’t so hectic. But it had been a while since the two of them had a baby in the house; their kids were all in primary or nursery school now. Their nest felt empty. Essentially, they were the living example of an oxymoron. Ari dragged her feet as she entered the room, absolutely exhausted from helping the kids get ready for bed. She plopped down next to her husband, cuddling close to him with a pout on her face. “Babe, I’m so tired I don’t know if I can deal with looking at another negative test right now,” the blonde whined, throwing the rest of her body onto Zayn because she felt being that dramatic tonight. They had really been trying these past two weeks, and they had told themselves that they would take 10 minutes of their day to see if their hard work paid off. That was before they realized they wanted that 10 minutes to relax. Zayn had tried to convince Arianna that maybe it would be positive this time, but it was a 50/50 chance and with their track record, she just couldn’t do it tonight. But the next night Arianna was completely prepared for disappointment again. She had learned that they shouldn’t get their hopes. Yes, she was being pessimistic but the whole situation was honestly taking a toll on her mental. But when she looked at the test after 5 minutes, Arianna couldn’t help the pure joy that overtook her body. She started jumping up and down, running into their bedroom and jumping onto her husband’s lap and kissing him as hard as she could. “Look, Zayn! We did it!” Ari giggled, planting another kiss on his lips. 

⊰ v. princess and the moon ⊱  

…out of jealously or envy

The music vibrated the room as Luna made her way through the thick crowd of people to find her best friend. She had been busy finishing up an important paper when Cassandra left, but Luna promised her she would come out as soon as she was done. The brunette weaved through the last of the crowd as she approached the kitchen because wherever the drinks were, she knew Cass would be there. But as she stepped into the kitchen, her eyes landed on an unexpected face. Of course he was going to be here, Luna, what did you think? Everyone from school is here. It wasn’t that Luna didn’t want to see Prince, but whenever they were together they either had amazing sex or the worst fights because they did, in fact, ‘hate’ each other. She wasn’t sure if she was quite in the mood for either, but just as she was about to make a run for it she heard her best friend calling out her name. “See? I totally didn’t lie to you about meeting you here. Are you proud of me?” Luna chuckled, wrapping her arms around Cass before following her into the party. It had gone pretty much like any other party. Drinking. Dancing. Matt trying to hook up with Luna. More drinking. Luna needed a bit of a breather, so she started to make her way to the terrace but something made her stop in her tracks. She saw Prince talking to a girl, her hand lying flirtatiously on his thigh. The girl was leaning awfully close to him as she wearing a low-cut top. Now, Luna wouldn’t ever describe herself as a jealous person especially not over a guy she was casually sleeping with, but the sight of Prince with that girl made her heart beat with envy. Even if she wasn’t sleeping with him, he still couldn’t go sleep with anyone else. That was their unspoken rule. They were each other’s even if they couldn’t stand to be around one another half the time. Granted that no one else knew about their ‘relationship’, but she still expected Prince to respect it. Luna hadn’t even noticed she started walking that way until she was standing in front of Prince, the girl he was talking to looking visibly annoyed. “Uh, I think I heard that Matt was looking for you. It sounded important,” she lied, grabbing his hand and pulling him away before he had the chance to answer. She didn’t even care if people saw them together. She just wanted to get him away from whoever the hell that was. Luna pulled him into the closest room she could find, locking the door behind them. She wasted no time, connecting their lips in an instant, their bodies pressed against the door. “You’re such a fucking asshole, you know that?” She cursed breathlessly, reconnecting their lips to help him forget whatever-her-name-was.

[mariemarvelbear]

Mutants

Avengers x Reader

Warning: Angst.So much Angst.Slow burn angst.Abuse.Mention of rape.Brainwashed.ANGST.Blood.Torture.Swearing.Kidnapping.18+

Part 14

File after file of different information and data flashed across the screens in front of Tony and Bruce, most of it jumbled and random as FRIDAY downloaded it all.  Tony watched for a few minutes, but quickly grew bored and moved on to look for what else they could have missed.  While Bruce left the room to get more coffee, FRIDAY began to separate and analyze the new data being sent to Maria Hill back in the headquarters. Tony groaned in frustration as he tugs his disheveled hair. “Tony.” “Look at me babe.” Pepper sighed, placing both her shaky hands on the guy’s broad shoulders, forcing the guy to look at him. “You haven’t slept in two days babe.I’m worried.” Tony just let out a sigh, not minding the yearning lady in front of him, walking past her and now in front of the screen. “I’m sorry Pepp.” Bruce mumbled, not wanting to interfere with the couple but knew that right now, if Pepper continued her actions-it might just turn into another brawl, another verbal fight in which he has no energy right now. “Just go back to sleep.I’ll stay with him.” Pepper looked at Bruce as if she was pleading him to be on her side on this one but gave up after he gave her an apologetic yet stern look. Tugging the string of silk from her expensive robe, she made her way back to Tony’s side-trying to peck his lips, but whatever it was, made Tony close his eyes and quickly move his face to the side-ignoring the hunger of Pepper for him. “Yeah.Goodnight Eve-Pepper…” Tony quickly stopped himself, closing his eyes as he heard the sound of the door banging in the wall.

“Here.” As he opened his eyes, it was to his surprise to see a large cup of coffee near his face “Double shot espresso.” About to thank the doctor, Tony was shocked as Bruce faced him, just now seeing the doctor’s face.He had bag under his eyes, a lot bigger and darker.He already have a beard and his sideburns are messy-And was it just him or Bruce got damn thinner? “Bruce.Y-You look like a mess.”

“You should see yourself Stark.”

Thinking of a retort, Tony frowned when he saw himself in the walls of the laboratory.Accepting defeat as he asked FRIDAY to scan both of their vital signs and their health’s state.Now worried that they might be malnourished as he observed how much weight he might have lost.

“Skip that FRIDAY.Let’s go back to business, shall we?” Bruce didn’t object, still determined to find you.The right you.It’s been a year after the big mess that Mystique made and even with the team conducting an interview with her every now and then, the girl would just say the words-again and again.

“I don’t know.Okay?I don’t know where Eve is. I don’t know where that fucking Korvac took her alright?” Mystique blurted out, her hands shaking as she rolled her eyes at the guy in front of her, placing her blonde hair back in a ponytail.They’ve been bugging her all year, everyday an agent will escort her back to the small interrogation room and it will be Fury,Clint,Maria or any of the team that will ask her-again and again.Where is Eve?

“Come on Mystique! You’re the one who brought this mess up so I’m pretty positive that you may atleast know something!” Clint snapped, tired of the questionings and her being an ignorant bitch. “Look, You know that no one in this tower likes you.Even Dr.Charles,” Clint grinned as she grimaced, hurt evident on her face upon hearing the disfavor of the people around her “He’s tired of your shit Mystique.We all are.” Clint sighed,placing the metal chair back on its place-about to walk away. “If you’re not gonna tell me, know that tomorrow we boys have a mission to attend to; and the people who will be left here to interrogate you are Natasha and Wanda. So,My dear mutant..enemy-If you’re gonna admit things, today might be it or tomorrow you’ll just be bones and flesh.And we’ll all be happy to clean up for the ladies.”

“Did you know that I was Charles favorite?I-I was his sister.I was his princess Clint-“

“Oh don’t call me by my name.We’re not friends.”

“I was his number one priority. Even with Moira in the picture.I was his primary concern.But then, Eviana came.She took the whole school, the people I love and even the people that hated mutants started fucking loving her.Did you know that?Did s-she tell you that?That she steals attention?That she loves that people always notices her first.They were all fucking wrapped in her finger.” Mystique sobbed, turning into her true form, weeping as she let Clint saw her at her weakest. “Did you know that because of her people got to trust us mutants?She and Charles went to the Vienna International Centre, it was filled with people from different countries and when Charles showed her-everyone instantly loved her. No one knew why but the percentage of people rallying and protesting about us soon diminished.She made people love her.And I-I was this envious, greedy and jealous girl.Who had to try her best to look ‘normal’ without freaking out others and even though I can fucking imitate anyone, I still get these sickening looks from everyone.”

“At first, I was interested at her you know? She’s this powerful mutant that everyone loved, according to Charles she can even be the most powerful one of all y’know? He even said that her gift of psionic powers can be much greater than his. When he said that, he had this look-that it was as if his dreams came true and now it was in front of him. Then, Right after that-I knew I was replaced.”  Clint stood still, relieved to finally get some answers from the girl. “I was fine with it you know? When Charles missed a few Friday dates with me, I tried my best to understand it. He said it was because he was studying Eviana’s genetics, so I let it be.After all it’ll be just one time right?No.No” Mystique sobbed,letting herself get vulnerable. “He then missed my first day of school.I always had this jitters whenever the new school year starts.It’s nothing actually, but I always loved that extra ten minutes of Charles assuring and just hugging me.And then it was my birthday, he even celebrated his with Eve and Erik.When he proposed to Moira, he first told it to Eve.When me and Blue got engaged he even ditched our party.It was becoming too much, And I-I could only take little.You know?” Mystique sniffled, her mouth trembling as she looked at Clint with pleading eyes.

 “So.Where is she?” Clint sucked in a breath, standing lousy as the girl looked at him with wide eyes.

“Did-Didn’t you heard me?Are you deaf?Can’t you see that I’m actually hurting here?!” Clint groaned, throwing his head back as he walked closer to the mutant.

“I’m not deaf. I’m just tired.Sick of your cries and whimpers.Ugh.” Clint knew he was getting out of line but as he remembered the past two years, of them all trusting the girl in front of him acting as if she was the girl that everyone loved; he just got more frustrated, his hands digging onto the metal table. “Where is Eviana?!”“I don’t know!I don’t fucking know!” 

 “Nothing?”

“Still nothing.Thought that if I talk to her at midnight I might get something, But still none.” Clint huffed, jumping his way to the couch that Tony has placed back at their laboratory. “How about you guys?” The archer asked, hopeful as he saw the holograms packed with different data.

“Same with you arrow boy.” Tony replied, not removing his eyes from the screen.

“Hi FRIDAY.”

“Good morning Mr. Barton,” The A.I beamed, making Bruce look at the guy.

“What?You two won’t talk to me.So I’ll just have a conversation with ri-ri.”

“Riri?” That made Tony look at Clint.Sure that the guy went bonkers already, now wanting to dial the mental facility he built a few months back.

“Eh.I don’t have anyone to talk to these days.So me and Riri-have been talking.Privately.” The two men groaned as Clint had this smug look on his face.

“You’ve gotten so dirty you know?”

“Inappropriate.”

 Natasha’s eyes shot open, just to be embraced by the darkness of the room she now uses alone. Sitting up, she tapped her phone as it lit up, expecting that it was indeed midnight and that was just able to sleep for only an hour.Like everyone else, it was getting harder for her to sleep- with the thought of you may be gone for good in their minds, haunting them daily.Slipping away from the blanket, she then made her way outside her room.With heavy eyes, she sauntered her way to the kitchen but stopped when she saw the lights still opened in the laboratory.

“Oh.Good morning Miss Romanoff.” Vision jest, making the girl on his side look at the doorway. “Nat?” Wanda called.

“Oh.Sorry, I didn’t notice you guys were here.” Nat mumbled, slowly making her way to get a cup of tea.

“You’re up early I see.” Vision commented. “Is anything bothering you Ms.Romanoff?Are you okay?”

“Yes.Yes, I’m fine. I just can’t sleep.Don’t mind me, I’ll be out in a while.”  Vision looked confused, not minding Wanda’s nudge at his lower abdomen.

“You’re not a bother Miss Romanoff.” That made Natasha smile, thanking the deity and bidding her goodnights.Wanda was about to call her but she was quick and was gone from their sight. After the fight that they had back at the headquarters, the two of them never talked and if they were; it was just about their work.Wanda tried, so many times- but she still feels and knows that her sister is not quite ready.After all, things after that fight got pretty fucked up terribly. Natasha fastened her pace, afraid that Wanda might follow her, and as she looked behind her;she crashed onto a body of someone-spilling her tea all over him.

“Oh god I-I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine Nat.”

“Bruce?Bruce?!Bruce!” Maybe it was her getting sleepy after that few sips of chamomile, that it never registered on her brain that it was indeed Bruce.Her now, ex- boyfriend.

“Yes.I’m Bruce?” As her cheeks reddened, Natasha was quick to move past the guy-not minding the shattered pieces of the mug and the spilled tea.

“Nat,Wait.” Closing her eyes shut, Nat didn’t look back.Afraid that if she did, she might come running back to his arms.But she knew she cannot, after everything that has happened with the team- the two of them just knew that their relationship needed to end.Everyone disagreed, mostly Clint and Bucky.But when the months passed and you were still missing, it slowly took a toll on Bruce’s temper and Natasha’s song soon weren’t working anymore. Figuratively and literally. “Just take this.Please.” Natasha thoughts were interrupted as she felt the familiar feeling of the cotton long sleeve on her shoulders. “It’s cold.” But when she turned around, there were no signs of Bruce anymore.

“You’re killing me here big guy.” She mumbled, trying her best to stop the possible tears and a breakdown.She knew it would be hard, considering that they both work together and still lives under one roof-But they both knew that they needed to be professional not for them but for the team, the world-and you. It was another sound that made her brows furrowed, now sad to see her ex-boyfriend and awful as she didn’t even finish her mug of chamomile oolong. She then peeked at the gym, just to see Steve work with the punching bag, unable to concentrate with the incessant grunts and mumbling under his breath as he hit.  He had gone through three bags so far, with five more lined up on the floor to take his punishment.

“Romanoff.”

“Captain.” Steve looked at her confusingly, his eyes wandering on the purple long sleeve draped on her body. “Did you and Br-“

“No.Good night.” Natasha groaned, not wanting to talk to the guy as she knew how he might see right through her.Steve watched as Nat ran back to where she came from, leaving him alone and depressed with the face of Korvac pinned on the new punching bag. Steve was nowhere close to giving up, spending nearly every minute of the day in pursuit of you through clues that led to nothing.  He followed each and every one until they were as exhausted as he was, and as each new clue came in, he chased it with a renewed fervor and belief that it would be the one to lead him to you. 

“Hey where is your shirt?” Tony blurted as Bruce came in, in only his t-shirt and no more purple long sleeve. “You love that long sleeve. Nat bought it for you.”

“Yup.Gave it back to her.” he huffed, pushing his chair back with a sharp hit of his foot and a loud scrape across the floor as Tony looked at him weirdly.

“You and Red getting back to-“

“Shut it Tony.” Bruce huffed, giving Tony a warning look as he continued reading another set of information FRIDAY has analyzed. “Wait-go back.” Tony quickly looked at Bruce, his eyes confused with a hint of hopefulness. “No.Not that one-That’s it.Skip to the video again?Tony.” Bruce’s demeanor immediately changed, his eyes going wide as if he wasn’t restless.Tony was quick to his feet, immediately watching the video FRIDAY was playing.

“Oh, Fuck you Bruce.”

“Yeah.Yeah.Whatever.” Tony sniffed, going back to his own screen “FRIDAY,Do me a favor and call the team.”

 “But it appears that Mr.Barnes and Mr.Maximoff is currently asleep.Should I wake them up Mr.Stark?”

“No.No.Just Steve,Sam, and Vision.” Tony replied, exclaiming his response with too much enthusiasm that woke up Clint who quickly asked his questions away.

“Wh-What’s happening?”

“We think that-that-“ Bruce stammered, tears threatening to fall as he watched the screen replaying the video of a lady that looks exactly like you for the fifth time.

“We might have found her Barton.I really think that it’s her.” Tony continued, looking at Bruce as the two of them stared at each other longer.Trying to be optimistic with this one.

 The team looked at the screen, all of them wondering if it was true and it was really you on the hologram. “Is it really her T-Tony?”  Sam murmured, mouth agape as he looked at your face that he has missed so much.You were wearing a brown garment that hooded on your hair and stopped on your ankles-You looked so different, You were thinner and paler-You had your arms full as you held a basket filled with different aliments. “Tony answer me.I cannot-We cannot suffer that pain again Tony.” Sam grimaced, remembering how things were when the Mystique scheme just happened.After the day that Charles talked with Mystique, no one was talking with anyone. Steve had to talk to Fury to ask for a vacation for the team, They all needed it or else they might wreck and destroy the world they are trying to save.Clint left, went back home to his family and came back only three weeks ago.Thor left and until now no one has ever talked to him.Wanda and Natasha never got to resolve their problem, the two of them were handling too many problems on their own and both thought that they were better off without the intrusion of the other with their choices.Bucky went with Sam as the two enrolled themselves on a training camp, which was under SHIELD so they can focus their rage onto something.Steve went to Wakanda, he knew he cannot stay at the tower where Tony and Pepper stayed with the other Avengers, he was also the one who told the King about what happened.Tony and Bruce spent the entire year seeking answers, looking for you-the real you and not giving up.

 In the doorway of the laboratory stood Steve and Bucky, the captain knew that he couldn’t do it alone-even if it was just a picture of you-he knew he would be weak on his knees if he saw you again.”Buck I-I can’t.”

Bucky’s brows furrowed, his eyes sad and tired-He was woken by Steve when the guy heard his murmurs and cries-it wasn’t a surprise to him when he saw Bucky whimpering as he struggled on removing the thick comforter on top of him-sweating as his nightmares continued. As he looked at Steve, he saw that there was a harsh red with a slight puffiness beneath his lashes, giving them a sad softness that he had never seen from him before.He knew the guy was sad, he was the only one that hasn’t talked to Mystique yet and knew that if the Captain did-he might kill the girl and himself after, still blaming his self after what had happened to you. “Steven.”

“No.No.Stop it Bucky.Just-Just.”

“No, You stop it.Stop being a baby Steve.” Bucky grimaced with the words he used, but he knew he needed to do it.As he glanced one more over your smiling photo, he looked back at Steve and spat at the guy “I know this is painful.I know that.But right now, She needs us Steve.You know that.Now,Stand up and show to us,to her-that you are still her Captain.” As Steve opened his eyes, he looked at his friend’s back who went inside the lab, who was now listening to Tony.

“Are you sure we’re not going to wake up Wanda?How about Nat?They might want to know about this y’know.” Clint asked sheepishly, confused as he saw that there were no ladies in the room.

“No.” In unison, Vision and Bruce replied at the archer-looking at him deadly as if threatening him already.

“She’s tired Clint.She haven’t slept in days…You know that.” Bruce stuttered, quickly distancing himself from Barton as the guy just nodded.

“Please Mr.Barton, I think it’s best for you not to wake up Wanda.She’s only been sleeping for an hour, We’re lucky she wasn’t awoken by Mr.Stark’s AI.”

“My deepest apologies Mr.Visz.” FRIDAY replied, earning a chuckle from the archer.

“Taught her that.” Vision looked at Clint weirdly, mouthing a what’s-wrong-with-him to Bruce. “Don’t mind him Vision.He’s just whack.”

“Tony.” It was in an instant that everyone became quiet, looking at the captain who was now just entering the room.Tony’s demeanor changed, straightening his posture before slowly looking at the captain.After what had happened with Mystique, the two never talked again as Steve stayed in Wakanda for five months and when he returned-Tony and Pepper left and went back to Manhattan with their new home.

“Are we gonna start talking now Steve?Because if I remember correctly, We’re not talking right?”

“Tony.”

“Steve.”

Tony frowned when he saw the hint of sadness in Steve’s eyes. He saw that the guy didn’t want to fight with him anymore, he just didn’t have it in him. “I’m still the captain here Tony.” Steve didn’t know what to say, for the first time the authority in his voice wasn’t there that caused the members to look at him worriedly. They knew he was having a hard time, after everything that has happened and then to know that they were all just back at square one-That you were still not there and maybe their enemy has won. And Korvac’s trophy was not the causality of innocent people but you, the one that they all treasure the most.

“Are you sure it’s her?” Steve winced as he let the words come out, not wanting to hear Tony’s response but knew that he needed to. “Tony please.Tell me.” Steve shut his eyes tight, trying to hide himself from whatever pain Tony’s answer might bring.He knew his team pitied him, but he didn’t care- what he wanted was you and your well-being. But as he wait for his friend’s answer, a sudden roll of thunder came-their eyes widened, knowing for sure that their friend was coming back.

“Thor!” A shriek from the balcony was heard as they all ran outside, seeing Wanda crouched down with Thor’s lifeless body lying on the terrace.

“Thor!Are you alright?” Sam cooed, quickly calling Helen as he saw how badly wounded the god was. “Jesus, what happened to you man?” Bruce hurriedly used his hand to put pressure on the god’s arm that was oozing with blood.

“Thor?Stay awake buddy.” Bruce murmured as the paramedics rushed in and placing him on the gurney. “It looks like his head was also hit.” It was easy to see as another fresh blood oozed from Thor’s forehead, making the guy groan. “Ask for a CT and an MRI scan. I need to make sure that he’s brain is not damaged.” As Bruce continued with his diagnosis, the team quickly looked at Thor who was now on the gurney pushed by the paramedics.

“Sh-She’s alive.Lady Eviana i-is.” He groaned, wincing as he felt the bolt of pain coursing through his body.

“Thor!What?Are you sure?” Vision quickly stopped Sam before he can pressure Thor who was obviously in no state for any questioning.

“Calm down Sam.Calm down.” Bucky quickly rushed to his friend’s side as Sam sobbed. “Jesus, Bucky did you hear that?She’s alive.Oh god she’s alive.”

It’s been a day since Thor’s sudden appearance, thankfully-The god didn’t had any major injuries but only his wounded arm and a bump and scar on his head.But even with the doctor’s consistent assurance that he’ll wake up soon, It was as if Thor badly wanted to pull on a joke and thought that today was the right time.

“He’s still not awake?” Clint groaned as he gave the new cup of coffee to Sam who was the person assigned to stay with the god.

“Nope.But he sure has that goofy smile on his face archer.” The two of them looked at Thor, now groaning to see him have this goofy and cheeky smile plastered on his face. “Are they really sure that this guy is not awake?”

“Yup.He’s just sedated.That’s why he has that smug face on.” The door opened once again,revealing a pissed Natasha, ready to remove the guy’s IV but was stopped by Clint.  “Puny god.” Natasha hissed, making sure that Thor heard her.

“Hey.That’s my line.” Bruce beamed as Natasha’s cheeks grew red, earning a chuckle from the three.

“Ugh.Whatever, wake him up or I’ll fucking kill him.” Nat snapped, lowering her gaze as she ran away from Bruce and the humiliation.

 When Steve found Tony, he was sitting on the floor in the lab; the room was dark and silent, with only the glow of his phone illuminating it.  It felt intrusive for him to be there, but the team was worried and so was he. “We’ll find her, Tony,” Steve whispered, holding his position at the door.  He heard Tony clear his throat and a small sniffle, but was otherwise silent.  “We won’t stop until we do.”

Tony took a deep and shaky breath, tears threatening to flow at any moment, though he was too angry to allow them.  He squeezed his eyes shut and a low growl grew in his chest until it became a scream that made Steve frown, enough for him to back away.  Sitting just on the other side of the door, Steve lowered his head into his hands and sighed with regret when Tony’s phone shattered against the glass.

“Hey guys.” The two of them looked at the door, just to see Natasha who’s eyes were red,puffy yet had a glint of hopefulness “Thor.He’s awake-“ Tony didn’t bother listening to what the redhead has more to say as he run his way to the infirmary.

“What did he say, Nat?” Steve whispered, fumbling with his fingers.

“Steve.I think, I think it’s best if you go there-“

“But what did he say?”

“Steve-“

“Natasha.I’m asking you one more ti-“

“He saw her Steve.She’s alive.”

[a-tired-bass]

Every 7th question of that huge ask meme :D

Hooo boy here we go. I’m gonna pop this behind a read more cause holy fuck it’s long. Apparently almost 2500 words all up

7 - Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:

My zodiac is Capricorn. A google tells me that supposedly, Capricorn’s are ambitious, conservative, determined, practical and helpful. I would say I am approximately 2-3.5 of those things at any one time. Given that the average would be slightly above 2.5, I would say it fits me well enough :P

14 - Do you wear contacts/glasses?

No vision correction for me, I have perfect eyesight. Well, so much as ‘perfect eyesight’ is defined for a person. My visual acuity is above the average healthy human eyes.

21 - What’s your sexual orientation?

Heteroromantic. Demisexual.

28 - Where are you from?

Born and raised in Sydney. Lived my entire life in the same city. I’ve travelled a bit and would love to live elsewhere (I don’t count my brief occupancy in the Hunter Valley as living there)

35 - Say 3 facts about your personality:

Oh fuck.... I tend to be quite disparaging of myself, as evidenced by the fact that I couldn’t think of a single thing upon reading this question. Otherwise... I’m a very closed person? I guess? I don’t open up easily, so it’s really nice when I find someone who I can click with immediately. I especially enjoy the company of people who like ot talk a lot, since I really don’t talk that much. I love listening to people’s voices. Finally... God I don’t know. I don’t analyse my own personality that often. Generally it’s other people who are looking at that. I’m just me. That is who I am. I’m not going to change who I am to fit someone else’s expectations. I have to do what is right for me. 

42 - What you want to be when you “get older”

The simplest answer is happy. I want to not have to rely on medication to maintain a semblance of reality. I want to share my life with someone who wants to share theirs with me. I want to travel to places I’ve never been, just to see the beautiful things in the world. I want to not have to worry about working just to maintain a decent level of living. I want to fall asleep every night holding someone I love.

I just want to be happy. I have no other lasting aspirations

49 - Do you have any phobias?

Falling. I’m absolutely terrified by it. Heights don’t bother me in the slightest, but falling, especially free-falling, panics me beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I find abseiling quite terrifying if I don’t trust the mounting point, something usually only earnt through pushing through it once. When rock-climbing, I can’t stand to be belayed by someone I don’t trust. If I’m bouldering, despite the mere like, 2m drop, I’ll downclimb to at least half way if I have the strength to so I don’t have to jump down. I hate falling. There are only 2 nightmares that have ever stuck with me for more then a few days, and 1 of them is falling. I just can’t do it.

56 - What are three things most people don’t know about you?

Fuck I don’t know. I overshare a bunch a lot of the time. But there are still loads of things I don’t tell people, generally because I don’t see them as worth telling. My story isn’t that interesting, I haven’t done anything marvelous. I’m just... an average person. I have mental health problems. I fall on the ASD spectrum. I have severe body image issues. I have an incredibly high lung capacity, but incredibly bad oxygen transmission. I’ve technically died. I started school early, and was offered the ability to skip grades (Never did, glad of that), as I’d begun to work on early high school level materials in year 2 and 3. I miss my old baritone voice, when I had a range of almost 3 octaves. I’m completely right side dominant, hand, foot, and eye. Stuff, I guess.

63 - A quote you try to live by:

I can never remember quotes. Their essence stays in my head, but never what the actual quote is. Honeslty, while cheesy and obviously influenced by my upbringing, the one that comes to mind most is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Yup, nice and churchy. But in seriousness, it’s a good maxim to live by. Everyone deserves politeness and respect until they’ve lost that priviledge.

70 - What is your favorite thing to do?

Another hard one. You truly have bombarded me. In the end, I think it’s play games WITH friends. Oh sure, sometimes I can’t stand being around people. Sometimes I want to play alone. But noting beats playing with friends, achieving progress side by side. It’s... immensely satisfying to me

77 - What is your least favorite word?

Cuckold...

84 - What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex?

Fucked if I know. Scent’s are scents, and my nose is not terribly discerning. I like a lot of flowers or fruit scents. There are some lovely spices. Scents to me are defined as ‘this smells nice’ or ‘this smells bad’. If I had to pick something... Lavendar. It’s simple, but lovely.

91 - Say 2 facts about your favorite things:

I love music, but I tend not to like rap - I like my melody too much. Roleplaying Games - I love to put on another person’s skin, to slide into another persona. 

98 - The best and the worst childhood memories:

Look, I don’t remember much of my childhood. I don’t remember much of anything at all really. I purge a lot of my memories because I find it easier to live that way. I can pull up fragments of absolutely random stuff, but I couldn’t tell you where I learnt it. What I can dredge up says my favourite is one of my teachers. Ms Werner, back in primary. She was a wonderful teacher, and my the world would be improved if there were more people like her. I think the worst would have to be when I realised I had to cut off contact with a very long time friend of mine. We’d known each other for.... I want to say at least 10 years, of which 6 of them were as very close friends. He became someone I didn’t want to associate my life with. Someone I wouldn’t have been surprised if I read their name in an obituary report of some police activity.

105 - Top three places to visit:

Italy, duh. I’ve said so many times before. I would also love to go to Greece again, becasue I would love to meet you in person. Finally, Finland, because I’ve heard wonderful things about it

112 - If your best friend died, what would you do?

Be sad. Attend their funeral. Drink. Forget some. Live on. Be surprised that I’m the one attending theirs and them not attending mine.

119 - Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes, my last ex was older then me by a bit over a year. I’m also assuming family doesn’t count for this question.

126 - Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend:

Oh ooft. Well, uniformly my crushes have been on people shorter than me, because I think they’re cute. I’ve always preferred longer hair. They’d have to have a nice voice, that is paramount - I remember one girl who is an incredibly interesting person who I loved to talk to and almost developed a crush on many times online, but lost any interest the moment we spoke again in person because her voice just slightly grated on me. In personality? Kind, caring, accepting, loyal. Someone who desires physical contact as much as I do.

133 - Do you have a crush on anyone?

Yeah, but you already know that. I told you whilst I was drunk 

140 - Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Absolutely. I mean, ignoring the fact that this could potentially mean any crying caused by someone else, and only related to those caused because of relationships, I have cried severely over them. I lost my voice for 2 days after my last break up from screaming out into the void

147 - Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

No. There are lines I will not cross.

154 - What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

I’d just really like a hug you know? I’m a closed person, and have always had trouble initiating hugs - I’m not good at judging when other people want physical contact. I’m always happy to recieve a hug, I just don’t give them out very often.

163 - Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Yes. What a despicable question.

170 - Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes. It’s... not an experience I ever wish to repeat, nor is it something I will ever forgive lightly agian.

Realised I got off track on numbers. Leaving those answers though

161 - Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Not that I’m aware of. Would be thoroughly confused if there were though.

168 - The last time you felt jealous, and why?

Near the end of my last relationship. Don’t particularly want to go into detail about it. It involved violations of boundaries.

175 - A description of the person you dislike the most:

I don’t really dislike anyone that much? If I dislike someone, I forget about them. I remember a tall, gangly, greasy black haired mediterranean boy in high school who I despised because he was a bully, and would frequently bully me whenever we got on the train because he happened to get on/off at the same stop or nearby. But I couldn’t tell you any more about him.

182 - What kind of music you like?

Lots! Catchy tunes, glorious symphonies, orchestral works, It’s probably easier to list things I don’t typically like, which are screamo and rap, for typical genres.

189 - A book you want to read/have recently read:

I recently read George Orwell’s 1984. I went to a stage performance of it with a friend of mine and it really captured my mind, so I thought I’d read it to compare. The stage show was much more appropriate to our modern era, but the book still has really interesting concepts in it. Having experienced both though, and were I to only choose one to recommend or re-visit, I would definitely pick the stage production

196 - You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?

Easy, Jake. He’d split it with me and buy himself some nice stuff as well. Maybe my parents though, if I weren’t in a personal spending mood

203 - What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be…

God I don’t know. I don’t do parties much. A birthday late last year I think? Oh, Post Concert Parties count I guess? Though that’s generally just meeting at a pub and eating some food, getting a drink, and chatting about stuff after final performance. Next one... I guess i’m going on a trip with some mates later this month, which will probably involve at least a little bit of partying. Should be fun

210 - What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Nothing, my time is my own at the moment! Possibly sleeping, but it is still early. There are productive things I could be doing I guess - I need to clean a bit of the house, or do up a resume, or do some physical activity - but it’s late, i’m occupied with other things, and I’ll probably go to sleep soon. I’d prefer to stay in bed

217 - Do you believe in fate/destiny?

I believe in chance. I’d like fate or destiny to be a thing, even though that means our lives are pre-determined in at least some fashion or other, but honestly.... A set purpose would be nice

224 - How important you think education is?

As important as you make it. A basic education is invaluable. Higher education is... less useful, and shouldn’t be forced on anyone, but should always be offered

231 - Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance:

Oh fuck. Um. Here’s something I wrote long ago, I had to go find it, since i’d forgotten how it goes. I was pretty angry at the time - the man who killed my uncle was cleared of all charges. It’s dramatic and over-the-top and in no way actually representative of anything, but it rhymes nicely

And the fire burns deep insideAs the witness sees the liesThe traitors tongueHis falsehoods sungThe sordid crimes which he deniesThe jury stands, decision madeWhile the chatter of the crowd does fadeThe man who sawNow sees the lawAs nothing more than a false charade“The man goes free” the jury declaresFree to escape back to his lairsHis crimes ignoredEscapes the cordIt seems the world doesn’t really care

238 - What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?

Boy oh boy could I talk about this one! I don’t want to though. In summary - my university choirs, because of my ex.

245 - What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?

I can’t really think of something I’d be embarassed about. I guess ask for more hugs would apply though, since it’s something i’d feel weirdly guilty about.

252 - Do you hate anyone?

Yes. Dislike is different from hate. I will not go into detail about this.

259 - Do you care if people talk badly about you?

A little bit, yeah. I don’t really like it when people are dissapointed in me, or label me with things I’m not, or assume my actions or what I say are negative. It’s worse especially when people are vehement about it and don’t try to explain what they’re feeling or actually think about it and why.

266 - Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Oh yes. I can’t remember her name though. She was a princess in some novel, and was descendant partially from dryads. It’d be nice to find that book again, that would be some nostalgia

And that’s everything! So many questions!!! Good fun though :D

[lokgifsandmusings]

Definitive Ranking of Book 4 Episodes, #2/13

2. 4x13 The Last Stand

Kuvira tears off her arm. Mako makes a Heroic Sacrifice and no one will heal him. Korra and Kuvira fight, until Korra freakin’ bends pure energy, rips apart the city, and demonstrates her growth in one quick spirit world conversation. Hasook fulfills his clarinetist destiny. We get the most ambiguous ending everrrrr.

You know, after going back through this whole season, I’m realizing that there were a lot of flaws with Book 4. A lot. It’s  not to the point where I feel this episode ranking as second highest is unearned, but it is making really wonder about “what would this have looked like had Bryke been given more time?”

The thing is, with this episode, the emotional beats are nearly perfect for Korra. And that’s really what matters, given that the show is...well...the legend of *her*. Even for most other characters, this conclusion was (dare I say it?) dramatically satisfying. Thematically satisfying, too.

But at the same time, what didn’t work is only more and more glaring with each revisit, and especially after thinking through it.

Kuvira is probably the hardest character to reconcile, because she’s the primary antagonist, and yet up until Korra dropped the “oh you’re an orphan” truth-bomb that explained ~~all~~ of Kuvira’s actions, there was every indication that her guiding motivation was much more about her perceived rejection by Suyin, or a desperation to prove her wrong, or a mentor’s fall from grace when an inherent hypocrisy was shown...

Honestly, from just the perspective of Kuvira’s arc, dismissing everything as “you were sad about your parents (who you never talked about once) leaving you with the creepy thought-policing matriarch and you didn’t want to ditch the EK in the same way” is almost insulting. Kuvira like...made compelling points in the Suyin-filtered flashback about why Su should accept Raiko and Tenzin’s offer, and it seemed to be coming from a place of pure pragmatism, not compensation for abandonment or a way of gaining control. Actually, she framed it about sharing prosperity:

Kuvira: Suyin, I know this isn't my place, but I think you should do this. Zaofu has always been a beacon of modern progress, and now you can share that with everyone.

Suyin: What would you have me do? March into Ba Sing Se with an army? We'd be seen as conquerors and greeted with nothing but war.

Kuvira: There are already wars. The Earth Queen nearly destroyed our nation. This is our opportunity to change things.

Also, fun fact: Suyin didn’t even tell Korra that Kuvira was an orphan; she barely even implied it.

Korra: How did things get so bad between you and Kuvira? I thought she was your protégé.

Suyin: She was more than that. She was like a daughter to me. I took her in when she was eight years old and nourished her talents. Kuvira was smart, a natural leader, and quickly rose through the ranks. I saw myself in her.

Like, this could have meant anything. Maybe she took her into her School of Metalbending Dancing and Narcissism. Maybe this is a nitpick, but it just amuses me if there was some version of this scene where Korra is like “it must have been so hard being an orphan,” and Kuvira goes, “...wtf my parents are FINE.”

Back the main point here, the difficulty in parsing out Kuvira’s guiding motivations and meaning of her own arc is not made better by the fact that her political position and military campaign were incredibly poorly defined. This is nothing new for Bryke, but with regard to this episode specifically, there’s still the question of why Kuvira was even interested in reclaiming UR land when she was supposedly just a technocrat that opposed the Earth Queen’s unjust rule, and had spent a painstaking amount of time laying down tracks to connect the two nations in what seemed like a cooperative measure and to truly bring the EK up to speed with the rest of the world. Was storming Republic City always her plan? Would she have been able to without the super laser that she didn’t know was being invented (Varrick was just looking for clean energy, remember)? After successfully taking Republic City, was she going to lock up every citizen there not of EK origin?

The general idea is that she was supposed to be earnestly committed to restoring stability in the Earth Kingdom, while also pushing forth innovation, and that when Korra pointed out how horrible and out-of-balance she was, it was a comeuppance and reality slap. I guess in this respect, the broader strokes make sense, but then there was so much that seemed so personally motivated, like...everything to do with Zaofu (she even made a point of saying “when I return I’ll be greeted with open arms), and then wrecking all of Republic City.

Even ignoring motivations, there’s logistics, because Kuvira’s disappearing army (and the disappearing United Forces) was still very much evident here, especially since mecha tank officers came clomping back into view at the end, and she needed to instruct them to stand-down. It kind of makes me giggle to think that Varrick powered down these suits, and the morons just lay on the ground helplessly until they were up and running again. But there were also all those ground troops and shit, so...

Oh yeah, and Raiko formally surrendered. There should have been an entire platoon sent to the island as soon as Kuvira realized Baatar had been captured while traveling there.

None of this is a specific issue to “The Last Stand,” but it does make the resolution feel a little...convenient. As though all these things were just dismissed and swept under the rug. This is best exemplified in Suyin’s line as a response to Kuvira’s apology, where she goes, “you’re going to answer for everything you’ve done!” Like, that didn’t even follow what Kuvira had said! Though there’s also a chance that this was a place-holder line they never bothered to change (or ran out of time to change). It’s not the only one with this vibe.

At the end of the day, Kuvira worked fine for Korra. But the way she had been scripted herself, there was really no telling how she’d react to a given situation until after the fact. I could have seen her, stirring from the rubble, having the same exact spirit world conversation with Korra, rather than running away to find Chekhov’s very literal gun. She trashed an entire fucking city and nearly died already just with Mega Maid’s explosion, after all.

Most of the other challenges of this episode have to do with the wrap party, because it was pretty clear that Bryke had a case of “we have X minutes to conclude all of this.” Enter bizarre conversation after bizarre conversation.

It’s not exactly a secret that I’m currently writing on a fic that tries to make sense of “why the hell does this wedding feel as though it is simultaneously the day after the fight, and two months down the road?” Word of God is that the wedding is 2 weeks later, which may or may not have been made up by Mike on the spot. But it’s just all so wonky. Korra is acting as though she hasn’t talked to anyone, Wu and Mako certainly haven’t seen each other since the evacuation, Tenzin only just talked to Raiko, and yet Zhurrick planned an entire wedding and somehow world leaders were able to travel to the still utterly destroyed city to enjoy it.

It’s WONKY, I’m telling you. The worst case offender?

This is a terrible fucking idea. I get that it’s a Y7 American show and we have to be pro ~~democracy~~ as a general concept, but the logistics behind it make no sense. I suppose in the context of Wu’s arc, him stepping aside because he doesn’t feel qualified is fitting. Granted, I thought the whole “you were calm during the evacuation and also badger moles like you” stuff was to show how he does have leadership potential, so long as he plays to his strengths and allows those more informed than him to take the lead on other matters. But I suppose we can say it was part of a bigger picture: Wu learning to be less of an entitled asshole. He pushed himself and stepped up when the world needed him to, but in the end “sometimes a good evacuation is its own reward.” Nice.

Now go and create a horrible panic by tossing the EK’s political and legal structures out the window!

The Mako/Korra conversation was a very nice endcap to Mako’s season-long arc, and the series long relationship between these two characters. They were incompatible as romantic partners, but Mako found meaning in their platonic friendship, looking to Korra as inspiration to be more selfless. It’s just nice. And it’s nice to see exes being nice and not jealous or still hurt or pining or whatnot. Nice.

That said, Wu’s role in Mako’s arc is a headscratcher. Mako definitely had an influence on him, but the other way around...I’ve got nothin’. Unless we consider Wuko a possibility, because IT IS THERE, DAMNIT. Except, I really don’t think Bryke meant for it to be there. Which means that Mako played a bit more of a supporting role for Wu than the other way around. Wu had diddly squat to do with Mako feeling inspired and self-sacrificial...that was a decision Mako reached inside Mega Maid as a result of watching a clip show about his relationship with Korra.

And yeah, let’s actually talk about that moment, because it was probably the second most emotional point of the episode. For those who don’t know, it’s also the point where I realized, at 5:50 in the morning, that I was going to start bawling in the middle of Planet Fitness if I stayed, so I cut that short and went home to finish out the episode.

It was touching, even if Bolin’s “This isn't the time to prove how awesome you are. I already know how awesome you are... you're awesome.” lines were incredibly odd. However... Looking back, this was probably the dumbest thing Mako could have done in this moment.

The weapon was disabled (he knew Su and Lin were taking care of that), and Korra was in the “head” having a fight to the death. There was no pressing need to power down Mega Maid at that point (Kuvira initiated lockdown as soon as they got in, actually), and the only thing he knew was that he could probably get it to explode. With everyone still inside. All things considered, how Mako didn’t just kill everyone inside the tank is beyond me. How Mako didn’t die is equally beyond me, cause dude got shot squarely in the chest. I mean yes, Bolin came back for him (where did he even dump the other bodies? The legs?), but Mako has a heart and stuff.

I don’t want to detract from the message of “Mako is an incredibly selfless hero,” but the logistics get in the way. It’s like Bryke wanted him to have this moment, but they didn’t take the time to figure out a realistic way it could unfold, so it just happened. Which is jarring, especially since this immediately followed Hiroshi’s sacrifice from the previous episode. Snaps for Mako, but 10 points from Brykendor for the contrivance.

Also as a side note: poor Bolin, this episode. I mean yes, he’s in a good place, and he got to marry Zhurrick (I can confirm: officiating a wedding is mad fun), but the dude didn’t even get a Conversation of Significance with anyone. Needless to say I’m going to be fixing that with my final chapter...

Let’s just round out the Krew then and discuss Asami. And I 👏👏don’t👏👏fucking👏👏know👏👏 what to do with her.  

I mean, you know what Asami means to me as a character at this point. And Korrasami. But going back through and watching this season, there’s a few things that are blindingly clear.

1. The scripting is bizarre. Not just for Asami—across the board. There are lines that feel outright unedited. For instance:

“When the queen fell, and everyone was asking you to help keep the Earth Kingdom from falling apart, all you wanted to do was hide in Zaofu, and let others deal with the consequences.”

It’s not as though lines like that don’t work, but it’s the kind of thing where if that were in fic I was beta-reading, I’d highlight “fell” and “falling” so the author would know to take out one of the repetitive phrases.

For characters with a lot of lines, the lack of polish can be overlooked, for the most part. For Asami, who had an incredibly limited screen presence during Book 4, things stick out.

2. Seychelle Gabriel’s voice acting was...different. It wasn’t bad, but some of her lines had a certain stilted quality to them. I’ve actually noticed that with just about every character in Book 4 that wasn’t Varrick or Bolin (that’s just John Michael Higgins and PJ Byrne falling back on their comedic chops), with a big exception in Korra. I sort of think Janet Varney didn’t settle into a consistent voice for her *until* Book 4, but that’s a whole other story, and yes, deeply subjective.

The best example I can point to for Gabriel is the way she delivers, “Thank you. I'm just glad I was able to forgive him.” It just had this awkwardness about it, and a good thing too, since I’m 95% certain that’s what spawned @progmanx’s entire fic, as well as my own views on her characterization (oh hey, we’re of one mind with that).

3. There really could have been more to Korrasami. Even with Russian TV restrictions. But I already talked about in my “Reunion” piece, so I won’t rehash here.

4. Asami’s scripting was pure *convenience*. I touch on it here for “Enemy at the Gates” and here for “Day of Colossus.” But it’s not really hard to recap.

Asami needs to open the lines of communication to her dad, so she does, and it is wonderfully, realistically hard on her. Then in a ridiculous scene, she spots a happy father and daughter, and decides she wants to work to forgive the man who tried to fucking kill her. We can assume she’s feeling conflicted about it because she snaps at Korra over it, but really, we have to just assume, because this shit is never talked about on-screen. Then Hiroshi pops in to save the day with his oddly specific technical knowledge of stuff he wasn’t working on. Then Asami tells him that she loves him before they go into a flying mecha suit to battle potentially to the death, and then Hiroshi dies.

And yes, I’ve talked a lot about what an internal character Asami is, so it would have just been odd if she suddenly started expositing on why she was feeling the way she did, but at the same time... When *did* she decide to forgive him? Was it just because he was willing to save the city? Does she even know if he’s changed his opinion of benders, or if he just regrets not having her in her life? Does she regret not seeing him sooner? Did she ever READ THOSE DAMN LETTERS?

So for her to sit her ass down next to Korra and say that she’s super sad but glad she forgave him... Well yeah, of course she’s sad. But she’d probably also be confused and conflicted and angry and guilty and a million other things just by how inherently fucked up this situation is. The last time she and her dad were in a mecha suit at the same time, he TRIED TO KILL HER. This isn’t hyperbole. He also saved the city from being destroyed *this time*, despite being the man who bombed it before. You see what I’m saying???

I think this is coming at a bad time, because I am working over and beyond to make sense of Asami’s headspace during this specific point in the story right now with ‘Half the Pieces’. I even gave her and Hiroshi another pai sho match so they could talk this shit over, and am kind of getting at the idea of her forgiving him as more of like, she really wants to have forgiven him and to have that closure after three years of incredible pain relating to him. But for what we got on our screens, it feels rushed, there’s just no other way around it. Rushed and simplified.

The most frustrating thing about Asami’s character is her wasted potential—the way they could have been using her as a foil to Korra so much sooner, the way her unique position as an industrialist went largely untouched, the way there is so much packed into her and given a little space, she will come and wallop you with a bag of feels (“you tainted our past and destroyed our future together”). 

Yes, she’s in a support role, and I’m not advocating her being foregrounded over anyone else on the Krew, and certainly not over Tenzin. But keep in mind, this was the season that gave a very complete and detailed arc to Varrick and Wu, while also pushing Kuvira & the Beifong Family Drama as the main tension. So excuse me for just a little annoyance with what could have been.

What *was* for Asami here was...fine. It’s not like I can’t remember what her conversation with Korra felt like the first time, or how could it felt that for once in her craptastic life, she was getting to be happy for a little. And for Korra too, realizing she had been disconnected for too long, realizing through her letters and the distance that she was in love, realizing she can take time for herself—it just all made for a beautiful moment, even if I do think that it felt a tad clipped. Given how much ground Bryke needed to cover here, it’s not shocking.

As a last note before I get to Korra and begin explaining why this episode is #2, I want to briefly touch on Tenzin. He was simply not a major player in this season, and I guess that’s fine. His relationship to Korra was in focus for Book 2, with her becoming *her own Avatar* at the end, and then his relationship to his daughter and the Air Nation at large was Book 3. I don’t feel like anything was incomplete with Tenzin here on a larger scale, though it was a notable decision. I wonder if Book 4 had been given another pass, would there have been a more imaginative way to utilize his character?

I think that may have detracted from the impact of his final conversation with Korra, too. Or maybe that’s why it almost felt like it had bizarrely romantic undertones for a second, because it was hard to have a handle on where *they* were at with how they related to each other. Also he said the phrase “big bumpy ride” so...

And that conversation was the most, “let’s wrap up this Y7 show yup yup” that fell victim to extremely unfortunate wording. The idea was to show that Korra had found meaning in what she had been through, harkening back to Katara’s remark that Aang “chose to find meaning in his suffering and eventually found peace.” What Katara did not say was that Aang NEEDED TO EXPERIENCE THE GENOCIDE TO FIND PEACE. Because who the hell would say something like that.

There are negative implications of Korra saying she “needed” to suffer to be more compassionate, especially since compassion was never a department she was lacking in before. However, as a result of what she went through her approaches to situations did change, and her “go-to” mode of operation, altered. We saw her trying to fight against the “old me” in Zaofu, and that was simply ineffective. In this final chapter, we saw her take action as she needed to, only to finally talk the antagonist down in the end. It wasn’t an increase in compassion, but it was a result of her empathizing over the fear of being vulnerable—a fear we’ve seen Korra struggle with since the start.

“I may not have been an orphan, but believe me, I understand what it feels like to be afraid. [Sits down so she is at eye level with Kuvira.] After I was poisoned, I would have done anything to feel in control.”

Look, there’s a wonderful narrative here, and it just...fell over itself on the way to our screens, and that’s unfortunate. Because it would have required so little to fix.

If you’ll allow myself and @progmanx to be hubristic here, we actually did rewrite this for my upcoming chapter (not finalized yet, but it will be something along these lines):

“I know I was in a pretty dark place after I was poisoned; all I wanted to do was feel like myself again. And I think it took seeing Kuvira being so angry and scared of letting everyone down, just like I used to be, for me to finally realize what I already knew: I can never just go back and to being that person again, and I don’t want to be. I’ve seen now what fear can do and what it can drive people to...what it drove me to do, even if it didn’t hurt as many people. That’s a part of me, and there’s no undoing it. I don’t think I want to undo it, either. Your mom told me that Aang found meaning in his suffering. I guess if I’ve found mine, that’s it. We’re all afraid sometimes, but that doesn’t make us weak. In fact, it’s what makes us stronger.”

It’s almost as if I like A Song of Ice and Fire, or something.

Would a more diverse writers’ room have resulted in a different end line? Who can say. But this at least demonstrates why a diversity of voices and a willingness to think through the implications (something Bryke aren’t incapable of) is helpful.

If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll notice that #1 on this list is going to be “Korra Alone.” So I’m going to save fully gushing about Korra’s healing arc there. 

But what I will say is that “The Last Stand” brought the series to a thematically apt, and rather uplifting conclusion. The season was about balance, but you could just as easily say that the series was too. This also tapped into “light in the dark,” only Book 4 took the time to explore that darkness rather than blow by it.

Seeing Korra so...at peace, was truly remarkable. We’ve seen her so insecure at many points in the series, and it really was just heartening to watch her be so decisive, so proactive, and also so *effective*, even if that meant switching approaches on the fly or, idk, leaping in front of a giant cannon and ripping open a hole in the universe and by doing so being so impressive that there was an instantly humbling effect on the megalomaniacal dictator to the point where Korra was able to talk her down with words alone.

It kind of makes me laugh, thinking of some of the Discourse™ as the finale ended: that Korra was “neutered” or “tamed.” Yeah those are great adjectives to attach to someone who threw themselves in front of a firing spirit cannon on an instinct. What we saw is a deeply matured and strategic Korra.

Remember, she was the over-eager hero who was told that the world didn’t need her. Her narrative was never going to be “I saved the day therefore I am,” but rather “Who am I when I’m not saving the day, and does that matter?”

Yes.

As for Korra, the world’s most powerful bender/spiritual leader of the masses/ with her ancient wisdom and sheltered upbringing ending up with the wealthy nonbending driver of modern innovation from the world’s biggest metropolis, well... that’s just the perfect endcap to the all-subtle balance theme. Nice.

Edit: 4/11/2017:

This entire piece wound up a little more focused on negatives than I wanted, so please read this reblog commentary for clarification/a few more notes on what was really great here.

#13: 4x08 “Remembrances”

#12: 4x11 “Kuvira’s Gambit”

#11: 4x09 “Beyond the Wilds”

#10: 4x07 “Reunion”

#9: 4x06 The “Battle of Zaofu”

#8. 4x12 “Day of Colossus”

#7 4x01 “After All These Years”

#6 4x03 “The Coronation”

#5 4x04 “The Calling”

#4 4x05 “Enemy at the Gates”

#3 4x10 “Operation Beifong”

Book 2 ranking/essays found here

[lifeonashelf]

CLAPTON, ERIC

Before we get started, I should probably mention that it might be helpful to regard this piece as sort of a “to be continued…” affair. A handful of entries from now, the subject on my docket will be Cream, whose work is such a vital part of Eric Clapton’s canon than any appraisal of them will unavoidably qualify as a supplemental appraisal of him. I’m sure I will have some nice things to say about Cream since I think they were a pretty excellent band (although time will tell… as you’ve surely gleaned by now, these essays often encompass topics that have absolutely nothing to do with the artists I profess to be evaluating; I can’t predict where my mind will be when I get around to writing about Cream, so it’s entirely possible I’ll end up writing about Mork & Mindy or something instead). However, for our purposes here, I think it will serve us better if I focus exclusively on Clapton’s work as a solo artist. Which is likely to engender a far different climate than the forthcoming Cream-slash-Mork-slash-Mindy piece since I think 85% of the music Eric Clapton made after Cream disbanded is dreadfully fucking lackluster.

When I was learning to play guitar as a teenager, there were several monthly magazines devoted to that pursuit, all of which I perused religiously. (For the benefit of any millennials reading this: “magazines” were similar to books, except they were shorter and usually had more pictures in them—and “books” were similar to the missives your hyper-dramatic friends constantly post on Facebook, except they took a little bit longer to read, were written with proper grammar, and the stories in them weren’t all a bunch of histrionic bullshit—also, “grammar” refers to the coherent presentation of words that aren’t abbreviated or misspelled).

Much like any periodical dedicated to a singular subject, magazines like Guitar World regularly featured articles which graded the luminaries in their particular field—in GW’s case, these usually took the form of arbitrary ranking reports on “The 100 Greatest Guitarists Of All Time!”. I assume modern publications still rely on similarly banal and undemanding space-fillers: “The 10 Most Lethal Armor-Piercing Shells!” in Guns & Ammo, perhaps, or “The 4 Hottest Members Of  5 Seconds Of Summer!” in NAMBLA Monthly (for the benefit of any tweens reading this: if you ever encounter anyone who subscribes to this magazine, get out of their van immediately).

Of course, discerning readers must surely recognize the flaws inherent in any classification system which surveys qualifications that are subject to myriad personal tastes and biases—in other words, lists like those are completely goddamn meaningless (after all, designating any member of 5SOS as the hottest is utter lunacy; who could possibly make a firm decision between such dreamy candidates with any degree of certainty?). In the post-internet world, such items would qualify as your basic gratuitous clickbait. Yet at the time, I scrutinized those rankings with great interest, and I even took an undue amount of pride in finding some of my favorite guitarists logged at prominent positions on the docket—whenever Soundgarden’s Kim Thayil cracked the Top-20, I figured maybe the editors who put that particular list together actually knew their shit.

The cast of musicians who regularly occupied the apex slots in these polls never changed all that much—it seems to be universally agreed among everyone who reads magazines like Guitar World that the greatest player of all time is either Eddie Van Halen or Jimi Hendrix, which is a verdict I don’t have a strong argument against. Jimmy Page was usually ranked around #3 or so, and I never had any problem with that either because he’s Jimmy fucking Page. The rest of the Top-10 was a bit more fluid, with different architects wandering in and out of contention based on what was happening in their contemporary careers when the list was published. A few guitarists were ubiquitous placeholders who merely shifted numbers from year to year, like Steve Vai and Joe Satriani, who seemed to always be classed in the Top-10 despite neither of them ever recording a single piece of music I would listen to on purpose.

Another omnipresent figure on these rosters was Eric Clapton, who was perpetually enumerated in the uppermost echelons of the guitar-god hierarchy, sometimes even slotted way up in the Top-5. A recent poll on ranker.com with 500-thousand tallied voters escalated the matter by rating Clapton as the THIRD greatest axe-wielder of all time, just below Jimi and Jimmy. And despite my cognizance that these standings are fundamentally inconsequential, the net result of Slowhand’s recurrent designation as one the most prodigious craftsmen in the history of his art-form is that for my entire life I have been systematically instructed to distinguish Eric Clapton as one of the greatest musicians of all time. Which is an assertion that rings as patently incorrect when you actually listen to his music.

There’s nothing incendiary about Clapton’s guitar playing, nothing particularly inimitable about his style. He didn’t develop a new musical language for his instrument to sing with—Jimi Hendrix, Eddie Van Halen, and Jimmy Page all did that, but not Slowhand. The two main things Eric Clapton did exceptionally well were splicing a strain of safe white-boy blues into a strain of nonthreatening AOR rock and building the bulk of his career on serviceable renditions of songs written by other people. Whether this particular musical aesthetic appeals to you is irrelevant; no matter how much you like his version of “I Shot the Sheriff”, a modest benchmark like that is not indicative of genius, it is merely indicative of a seasoned session musician plying his trade. Make no mistake, Clapton is a very good guitar player, and I get the sense he’s a nice enough dude. Nevertheless, while the ability to knock out solid cover tunes might curry plenty of favor on Tequila Tuesday at the local dive bar, that skillset alone does not signify any form of virtuosity.

Timepieces—the 7x Platinum-selling 1982 greatest hits album most likely to represent Eric Clapton in the collections of casual fans—features ten songs culled from his 1970’s harvest, the most acclaimed era of his solo career. Of those ten tracks, Clapton is only credited as a songwriter on three cuts, and only one amidst that trio names him as the sole songwriter. This seems to reveal that out of all the most enduring tunes he released during his most enduring era, this musician alleged to be among the greatest of all time was only able to piece together one outstanding song when left to his own devices. Sure, “Cocaine” and “Layla” are fairly strong by any standards (although, Clapton didn’t write the former and merely co-wrote the latter), but the rest of Timepieces is notably unremarkable as far as best-of showcases go—unless the one major thing your life has been missing is the opportunity to hear Eric Clapton tackle the novelty number “Willie and the Hand Jive” like he was submitting it for the opening credits of a sitcom.

Then there’s the knotty matter of “Wonderful Tonight”, the only song on Timepieces credited singularly to Clapton—and, arguably, the only one of his solo period creations that has prevailed in a comprehensive cultural sense. You won’t meet too many wedding DJ’s who don’t have “Wonderful Tonight” in their arsenal, and I’m positive plenty of couples have selected the track to accompany their first dance at the reception. The tune has been widely appropriated as a naked avowal of love and devotion—and, hey, why not? Is there any woman in the world who doesn’t appreciate being told she’s wonderful?

However, sometimes songs get borrowed for things that don’t necessarily match up with their essence. Consider Green Day’s “Time of Your Life”, which will probably be played over every high school graduation slideshow in the civilized world for the next several decades because of its lyrics about turning points and forks stuck in the road—this, despite the fact that the proper title of the song is “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” and the refrain “I hope you had the time of your life” was actually penned as a derisive fuck-you aimed at an ex-girlfriend who jilted Billie Joe Armstrong. In some cases, the intended meaning of a tune doesn’t really matter; once it becomes transcendently popular, it means whatever the people who made it transcendently popular want it to mean. And before you know it, teenagers are dancing to a song about a bitter break-up at their senior proms without any apperception of irony.

This is why I’ve always been fascinated by the quixotic ideals that have been ascribed to “Wonderful Tonight”. Though the swooning masses have evidently chosen to accept that song as a chronicle of the profound romance nurtured by two lovers throughout a night on the town, to me the lyrics tell a far different story.

My sad tale is about a woman fretting woefully as she dolls herself up to attend a party with her carping husband, nervously asking him, “do I look alright?” She’s well aware that to this imperious man, her physical attractiveness is her primary asset; he regards her as a prop, an arm-candy accessory that buttresses his inflated sense of prestige. When the couple arrives at the gala, the caddish groom basks in the attention of the numerous leering men who crane their necks to look at his trophy (“everyone turns to see this beautiful lady that’s walking around with me”). Each swiveling head substantiates his ego, confirms that he is a superior alpha-male because he has managed to ensnare such a stunning female specimen—“I feel wonderful tonight,” he tells her, and this declaration might as well be a cackle of triumph.

His supremacy established, he then proceeds to get absolutely shit-faced. The song doesn’t specify whether his recreation of choice is alcoholic or narcotic or both, only that by the time he’s finished indulging in his spree of hedonistic rapture he’s “got an aching head.” The brevity of the account doesn’t allow a verse which elaborates on his conduct at the festivity, but we can reasonably assume this sort of character becomes a boorish lout when he’s intoxicated—just imagine the undignified behaviors a man like that adopts under the influence while his unfortunate wife helplessly watches on, mortified; perhaps Clapton is being kind by sparing us that part of the saga.

When the bender is over, he is too wasted to drive, so the onus of shuttling him home falls upon his submissive mate. And she is further demeaned when she has to then assist him as he staggers to bed. There, just before slipping into black-out unconsciousness, he slurs to her, “you were wonderful tonight.” A backhanded compliment, surely, reminding her of her place, letting her know that shutting up and looking pretty while he has all the fun is precisely what’s expected of her. “You were wonderful tonight,” he gabbles again, twisting the knife, reiterating that the evening is now over and she will once again curl up on her side of the mattress neglected and unsatisfied and cry herself to sleep while his insensate carcass snores and farts beside her.

[Okay, I made all that shit up. But now that I read the lyrics again, they don’t necessarily contradict my facetious analysis, so the above interpretation might actually be right on the money. Besides, if twelfth graders can slow-dance with their sweethearts to the soundtrack of a disintegrated relationship, then I can make “Wonderful Tonight” be about a doomed and loveless marriage if I want to.]

The other most obvious benchmark in Clapton’s solo catalog is his MTV Unplugged release, which shifted over 26-million copies and still holds the distinction of being the best-selling live album of all time. (For the benefit of any millennials reading this: “Unplugged” was a program that MTV produced during the prehistoric age of their existence, back when they had to lower themselves to airing rubbish like music videos and concerts because there weren’t enough quality reality shows being made about teenagers who have babies and get plastic surgery to fill their broadcast schedule). The network’s marketing strategy for the Unplugged series was actually quite ingenious: in addition to airing hour-long presentations of sets like Clapton’s in prime time, select songs from these shows were earmarked as “singles” and those individual performances were slotted into heavy rotation among the other hit videos of the era, a model which allowed MTV to essentially promote their own albums as frequently as they wanted. Since the channel’s driving ethos at the time was to pummel their audience with constant spins of even the most mediocre clips until viewers decided those songs must be cool because MTV played them all the time, plenty of latently unexceptional offerings like Clapton’s Unplugged were given a ready platform to become smash hits (lest we forget: this approach was so insidiously effective that even Mr. Big and Wilson Phillips achieved Platinum sales figures in 1992).

Hell, even I bought the fucking CD (I never bought those Mr. Big or Wilson Phillips records, though). I’ve listened to Unplugged a couple times while shaping this write-up, and I still have yet to locate a shred (pun possibly intended) of persuasive evidence that Eric Clapton is one of the greatest guitar players of all time anywhere on this disc. The revue has a couple of high-points—the version of “Tears in Heaven” here is indubitably definitive and “Layla” fares surprisingly well in a slower, stripped down form—but as a whole the album is an unadulterated slog, laden with an abundance of instantly-forgettable renditions of unessential blues tunes that are reduced to benign dentist-office white noise by the neutered arrangements which were integral to the Unplugged format. What these moments actually demonstrate—rather than Clapton’s mastery—is that a style of song-craft which was initially channeled straight from wounded souls into ragtag instruments doesn’t translate very convincingly to a fleet of $5,000 guitars; in a fundamental sense, Unplugged’s glossy and pristine studio-audience presentation, every chord perfectly EQ’d and in-tune, strips away whatever raw immediacy cuts like Son House’s “Walkin’ Blues” may have possessed in their primal form. I’m not earnestly criticizing Eric Clapton for his professionalism, but since the thrilling quintessence of live music is the anything-can-happen spontaneity of the stage, it’s difficult to get overly invested in the meticulously premediated and pokerfaced routine captured for this specific document.

The album does indeed embody Clapton’s mien—capable musicianship and a batch of songs unlikely to offend anyone’s sensibilities—but the guitarists who truly belong in the realm of the immortals are those whose work sounds like an existential search for deeper sonic truths. The notes they strike broadcast more than chords, they transmit fever and fire, each one eddying uncontainable passion from their hearts to their fingertips. This is why procedural players like Joe Satriani and Steve Vai have never been engaging: their main artistic drive has always seemed to be showcasing how many arpeggios they can execute, and the soulless military precision of that execution doesn’t convey any sincere affection for their craft—listening to Satch and Vai et al do their thing is kind of like watching a squad of soldiers marching in lock-step; you get the sense the last thing on those lads’ minds is how pleasant it is to be getting some fresh air. And my reaction to Unplugged is similar: Slowhand’s rigid delivery of tried-and-true fret phrases he can undoubtedly strum in his sleep by now doesn’t rouse much in the way of excitement; since Clapton doesn’t sound like he’s overly interested in challenging himself, he doesn’t challenge me either.    

Ironically, at this very moment, my heart is seized by the precise melancholy sensations that are metaphorically denoted as “the blues.” I won’t go into a whole thing about it, but I assure you I am sad as fuck right now. Yet, even though I always seek out music I can relate to in times of pathos, somehow hearing Eric Clapton chirrup about drinking “Malted Milk” isn’t doing a whole lot to make me feel better—hearing Greg Puciato shriek his way through The Dillinger Escape Plan’s tempestuous masterpiece “Farewell, Mona Lisa” might do the trick, but not this shiny and innocuous enactment that would sound equally at home on a Jack Johnson record as it does on Unplugged. And this is usefully underscoring why Clapton’s work is so profoundly dull to me: despite being an artist who has devoted most of his catalog to the blues, a genre whose lyrical dominion deals exclusively in heart-borne emotions, his music doesn’t make me feel a goddamn thing. When I get low like this, I know from experience that I can release some of those negative energies by weeping, or wailing, or screaming my fucking head off. But try as I might, I can’t think of a single occasion when the balm my soul cried out for was twelve tasteful bars in the key of E with some gentle, susurrated crooning on top.

So you 26-million consumers can keep your guitar-hero, and his bubbly acoustic blues, and his songs about rakish men who disgrace their wives at parties. I don’t give a shit if Slowhand is ranked 16 spots higher in Guitar World—fucking give me Kim Thayil any day.

 August 4, 2018

[oneyoungexcuse]

All. 1-92. Except 61. No need.

There you go. I did answer 61 anyway because I dunno how you know ! 💙

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Yes
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Ha! Nope! 
3. Have you taken someones virginity?No to that one as well
4. Is trust a big issue for you?I do now yep
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Nope it was quite a while ago :/ 
6. What are you excited for? Star Wars. That’s pretty much how exciting my life is at the moment. 
7. What happened tonight? I came home after 6 hours of driving and dancing around with my work colleges to bugsy malone. I collapsed on the sofa with exhaustion from work and my terrible cold. Then got pissed off because a friend has royally fucked me over. Had a hot ribena with a shot of rum, taken some tablets and got into bed with a hot bot. 
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Nope. I think it’s really disgusting when people take advantage of them 
9. Is confidence cute?Sometimes. 
10. What is the last beverage you had?Hot ribena with captain morgans 
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? One. His name is Bryn. 
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?Two. Accidentally killed one the other day st work. Hello peep hole. 
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? I’m up in Sheffield watching my friend in the lead role of the wizard of oz 
14. What are you going to spend money on next?Christmas presents. Alcohol. Food. 
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?No. Not sure how that would go down but would probably end badly 
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? No idea but stick around to find out 
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? A few good friends of mine, 2 Tumblr people and my counsellor. 
18. The last time you felt broken? Today. Have done for the god knows how long. 🤟 
19. Have you had sex today? I FUCKING WISH 😔
20. Are you starting to realize anything? That I really shouldn’t trust anyone, it wasn’t really just all me and I’m probably never gunna be like I was anymore. Also I don’t think I’ll ever like olives. 
21. Are you in a good mood? No. My feelings have been awful and so has this cold. But hey still here .
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?Yes but mostly whales. 
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Yes. Grey blue. 
24. What do you want right this second? To feel good again. In every way. 
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Why does it matter? They’re gunna fucking do it anyway why should want I say about it make a difference? 
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? My smurf blue?…yeah sure 
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Fuck no. That is a crucial thing for me. You gotta make me holla like hell! 
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Me and Simon dancing around at work to musicals 
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Always 
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends on what that person has done.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Noooo he’s great! My wee scottie man! 
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Probably
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I practically do everyday. 
34. Listening to? Sad Songs- Little Mix (I going through a phase at the moment) 
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?I did yesterday but that’s because I couldn’t find a pen… 
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Probably at home where she lives? 
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Only for Lynn Gunn yes 
38. Who did you last call? My mum 
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Simon! 
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I was exceptionally drunk and lonely. 🙃🔫
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Two days ago, a mini chocolate one 
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? I kissed my mum goodnight 
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Story of my fucking life! 
44. Do you tan in the nude? Oh goodness summer seems so far but no 
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? I wouldn’t take it back because a lot of conversation has come out of it so it’s made things less awkward but also awkward. Ya know? 
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No I said goodnight :) 
47. Who was the last person to call you? Mum 
48. Do you sing in the shower? If what I do you call singing then yes 
49. Do you dance in the car? I always do, Friday van dance on Blackfriars Bridge 
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes in secondary school 
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Don’t think I ever have! No one wants my mug face 
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?Some are but some are really great and powerful 
53. Is Christmas stressful? YES! I’m tearing my Fuckin hair out not knowing what the hell to buy for people with no money 
54. Ever eat a pierogi? Squeeze me? 
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple 
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A vicar, wrestler or vey 
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Not really 
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?I had a freaky one today actually 
59. Take a vitamin daily? I ain’t got time or money for that 
60. Wear slippers? Nope just thick socks 
61. Wear a bath robe? (I’m still gunna answer it and I dunno why you didn’t want me to!) Yes a nice grey one 
62. What do you wear to bed? Usually shorts and a tshirt but I’m too cold so the pac man trousers won today 
63. First concert? Hadouken! 
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Lidl mate fuck those 
65. Nike or Adidas?Nike
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos 
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Peanuts
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?…Style. Though I feel dunno how I feel about it now. 
69. Ever take dance lessons?When I was little yeah 
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?No idea just want them to be happy 
71. Can you curl your tongue?Yes yes! 
72. Ever won a spelling bee?With a learning difficulty hell no 
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeahhhhhh 
74. What is your favorite book? To kill a mockingbird 
75. Do you study better with or without music? With 
76. Regularly burn incense? Nooo it makes my head go funny
77. Ever been in love? Yh 😕 erugh 
78. Who would you like to see in concert? Drake 
79. What was the last concert you saw?Pvris i think 
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot! Are you insane ?! 
81. Tea or coffee? Tea. Hands down . 
82. Favorite type of cookie? White chocolate 
83. Can you swim well? Pretty well actually I use to compete 
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? I can indeed 
85. Are you patient? I am but slowly loosing it 
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? I like both so I would have both 
87. Ever won a contest?I won a daffodil one at primary, a film award and a rugby one? 
88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nooooo 
89. Which are better black or green olives?I hate both so 🖕
90. Opinions on sex before marriage?Why?…enjoy it! Get warmed up 
91. Best room for a fireplace?Living room.
92. Do you want to get marriedNot sure now.

[critical-scarss]

me.

i obsess over things way too much. ever since around primary school i have. it was my second last year in and i became obsessed with music. i still am obsessed with music but more so, i used to be obsessed with 5 seconds of summer.

they were my life, they’re still such a big part of my life. they’ve hoenstly helped me through so much. and one of the main reasons i attached to them so tightly was because i was alone. looking back now i had no one, i was actually an outcast. i am different. i was weird to other people.

i sought out comfort and friends in my obsessions.

i change my obsessions to what i feel most comfortable with and what makes me the happiest at the low moments. i sought out comfort in some actual friends that i knew and some of their obsessions had become mine.

i became obsessed with 5 seconds of summer through a friend, A

i became obsessed with troye sivan through a friend, B

i became obsessed with pierce the veil, sleeping with sirens, black veil brides through a friend, T

i became obsessed with teen wolf, the vampire diaries, the originals, through friends

panic at the disco, with confidence, twenty one pilots. through friends.

i have these memories that i cling onto. to make myself not feel so lonely.

i have the memories of me and my friend S crying about teen wolf, the vampire diaries and the originals together. i have the memory of us seeing panic at the disco live. she screamed when time to dance car on. i cried to her about people leaving me in the past during this is gospel. i have the memory of her leaving. i have the memory of her coming back.

i have the memories of me and my friend N meeting. it was orientation day at our high school. we were so small. and we’ve grown up so much and i’m so lucky to have grown up next to her. i’ve known her for four years of my life. i couldn’t have asked for someone better to be my best friend, to be my family. i have the memory of us binge listening to the neighbourhood together. we found the neighbourhood through the originals, we were watching one episode and we heard let it go playing. and we decided that we liked this band. i remember when we were younger i found out that she liked panic at the disco and fall out boy. we were so alike but yet we were so different. i have the memory of crying into her neck as she hugged me and told me that she’d never leave, this was during this is gospel. i have the memory of her crying with me because i was being hurt by someone that i loved leaving. she hasn’t left yet. i have pushed her away, but she came back.

i have bad memories of some friends, there’s A and there’s B and there’s T.

i saw 5 seconds of summer and troye sivan live with B. me and her met on the internet. she was like a sister to me too. we don’t speak at all anymore.

then there is J. J is different for so many reasons. i am in love with J. i’d kiss her and hug her and everythig would be okay. i pushed her away. i messes up so fucking much. i pushed away the one person that made me feel so alive.

i remember the first time we hugged.

i remember the time i tried to be all smooth and asked for a kiss.

i remember the first time we actually did kiss. i tried to do it first but i placed my hands on her shoulder. but then she pushed off my hands and grabbed my face and pulled me in.

i remember the butterflies i’d get whenever she kissed me. whenever she told me she loved me.

i remember the first time she slept over mine. i cleaned up my room, it took all night. i even made my bed for her.

i remember loving her. i remember caring for her so deeply that i ignores everything else that was around me.

i remember just adoring her and her family and everyone around her.

but then i remember caring about her too much. the day i realised she meant way too much to me. that i just couldn’t have anyone else loving her.

i remember crying to her for hours about me being worried that she’d not love me anymore. that was the last time she slept over. we were in my bed and the lights were off and i just started crying as i laid on her chest. she asked me what was wrong and i told her i couldn’t lose her.

i remember when i was at her house and i was sitting on the other side of the bed with my legs crossed. i started crying and she came over to me and asked me what was wrong. i told her i couldn’t ever handle losing her. i never wanted to lose her. i never wanted her to let me push her away.

i remember the day she said she wanted to go on a break. i remember seeing the text while listening to winter by pvris on repeat. i broke down. i couldn’t control myself i was screaming. at my parents to come pick me up from the train station. i was trying to hold in all the tears but the moment i got home i was a mess. i cried and screamed and i just kept screaming that i needed J. i can’t not have j with me.

i remember the day that she said that we could still be friends and if i got better mentally then we could try again. i remember breaking down again and having a panic attack right in front of her. my three friends were there too. my closest friend, he held me while i cried into J. i have never cried this much about a person.

j meant the world to me. i didn’t mean to hurt j. i never meant to hurt her.

i cried and i cried and i just felt like screaming but we were at school and i just couldn’t stop crying. and i just cried into her and i couldn’t breathe.

i remember when she was messaging her ex. i cried to her and begged her not to go back to him because he hurt her. not because i was jealous but purely because he hurt her and he caused her so much pain and he can’t just come back into her life and say that it was a misunderstanding an for everything to be okay.

she said she wouldn’t go back to him. but she did. i remember she told me she was in love with him practically the whole time she was with me.

i was telling her that i loved her with all my heart and i was crying my heart out to her because i was afraid that she’d leave. but she never put all her heart into us because her heart still partially belonged to him.

i remember when she told me she didn’t want to be friends at all anymore. i admit i said some bad things and i acted out in such a bad way. but i never did this while we were actually together. she told me she didn’t want to be friends. i snapped and just started screaming. maybe at her, but maybe more so at myself.

i never thought about anyone else when we were together. i still really don’t think about anyone else at all.

my friends think i’m fine now but i’m not even sure if i’m fine. i keep trying to forget her and repress every memory i have of her. but i hold on to the fact that if i got better maybe she could come back. just maybe. i don’t know.

no one notices that i’m obsessing over criminal minds so much. i’m getting so emotionally attached to this show. i did this when A left with 5 seconds of summer, i did this when B left with troye sivan, i did this when S left, N, i do this every time but they still don’t realise.

i’m trying to forget her. but i just can’t

no matter how many episodes i watch. i can’t fucking forget her.

this probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone that is reading this but god it makes too much sense to me.

i’m sorry j.

i really never wanted it to be like this.

i’m so fucking sorry.

please believe me.

i need you so much still.

i don’t know how to keep going. im holding on for you but i’m not entirely sure if i am able to hold on anymore.

[queenofallwritergirls]

Have I failed (this city)?

I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about my mother and my relationship to each other. And about my successes and failures. I have also been watching a lot of DCTV (read Arrow, The Flash and Legends of Tomorrow). You may be wondering how these two things relate to each other. There is an answer to this, but it’s a rather long one. So, bear with me on this, all right?

When you think about it, Arrow as well as the other DCTV shows tackles certain themes many of us come in contact or struggle with daily. One of those themes is the relation of success and failure and which of these two define us as a person. I’d like to paraphrase what Thea Queen said to this. She believes we leave behind two legacies; the things we did right and the things we screwed up. I do agree with her on this. There can’t be success without failure. Failure comes to human beings as natural as breathing. What is important is that we keep on trying. It is important that we get back on our feet and tackle the problem repeatedly until we succeed. Surrendering to a problem is the ultimate failure. But failure isn’t all bad, either. We can learn from every time we have failed. We improve on failure if we are willing to learn. If we are willing to change how we go about certain things, we are prone to become a better version of ourselves. It’s a beautiful thing if you think about it. I believe that this is what makes humans such a successful species. We can adapt to our environment because we can learn from mistakes and change the way of behaviour according to it.

Now that we have looked at the general use of failures, let’s break it down to a personal level: I dare to say that for my mother, failures weight more than successes. At least, that is what she lets me believe. It doesn’t matter that I came home after work on Friday to do my chores (hoovering and washing the dishes) right after and before she got home. All that counts is that I didn’t do the dishes while she was away today. In her eyes, I have failed to do my chores. In such moments, she loves to insult me with saying that my future apartment will be disgusting and that I’ll probably drown in unwashed dishes. She tells me repeatedly that I don’t see the work that must be done. No, I’m not kidding. Still, I’m laughing. For her, not seeing the work and seeing it but deciding to do it later is synonymous. Nonetheless, she tends to ignore my personal accomplishments in favour of putting me down on accord of my mishaps and failures. It has happened that she refused to talk to me for a couple of days because I forgot to do the dishes. I mean, what the fuck, right?! She doesn’t realise that this behaviour is toxic for the psyche of a child and even more toxic to a mother-daughter-relationship. In the end, the thing a daughter wants most is to have a mother who is proud of her, am I right? At least, that’s true for me.

What the DCTV shows have shown me repeatedly over the past weeks is how important it is to forgive others for their mistakes. Forgiveness, especially in a family, is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Yet, here I am, sitting in my room not keen on leaving it, because my mum barely looks at me. Because of unwashed dishes (which I, nonetheless, towel-dried after mum washed them). I know that she only reacts this way because she is projecting her own personal problems and insecurities on me, but, bloody hell, it hurts. I know she only tells me that I’m a failure and that I’ll never make it, because she is afraid that I will not be better than her (because, as I was told, every mother wants her child to be better and make better choices than her). She wants to push me out of my comfort zone so I go out into the world and do something with my life. My mum has missed a lot of chances during her life and ended up unhappy with her job and her life in general. She doesn’t want me to feel the same way. Well, that’s my guess, anyways. She never told me anything of that sort. It’s just what I pieced together. My version of reality. I have to tell myself that she just wants the best for me in order to still be able to fall asleep at night and in order to not to relapse.

Relapse, that’s a good key word. I used to cut myself. I used to be depressed. I used to be suicidal. Well, I’m still depressed, but I’m a lot better now. Haven’t self-harmed in four and a half years (which I’m really fucking proud of, to be honest. During years of therapy, I had a lot of time to think about the original source of my mental illness. It’s not my mother’s. At least not in the first place. It was rather her abusive boyfriend (who she got rid of, fortunately) who used to grab me by the neck and shove me down on pavement or hard-wooden floor. Once he even grabbed my hand and ripped out a chunk of flesh with his thumb nail. Still got that scar to remind me of it. The funny thing is (and by funny, I mean not at all funny) that my braid had decided to lock those memories away. I was between the age of 8 and 10 when it happened and I was around 14 when I remembered. By then I had already a nice array of scars in various degrees of healing and two years of therapy under my belt. Back then I mostly blamed my mother, I still do, to be honest. Because, even though her then-boyfriend was the primary source of my depression, she did contribute a lot to it, too. After they broke up, my mother had so much internalised anger and only her only daughter to vent to. Venting about an ex-boyfriend (who has cheated on you) to your eleven-year-old daughter is not a good idea if you are concerned about her mental health, lemme tell ya. Using her as a substitute to let out your anger out on is neither. Trust me. My therapists came to the same conclusion.

Now that we have established that I am fucked up and come from a fucked-up household, let’s get back on track with our initial topic, shall we? Telling your child that they are a failure because of a simple thing like forgetting to wash the dishes is a bad idea, to say the least. I mean, let’s look at my life (yet again). I attend a good school, I wrote one of the eight best papers of my year and got an award for it, I’m starting Uni this autumn, I’m rather intelligent and okay-looking, I have friends, I go out, I have hobbies (of some sort at least). Doesn’t seem too bad, eh? I mean, I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfection. But that’s okay. I’m a human. I screw up. What really sets me off is that I get pinned down on the things I do wrong. It corrupted my relationship with my mother and prevented it from ever being a healthy one. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother. I really do. But the thing is, that I have never had a stable home. Of course, she has praised me for some of my accomplishments and we laugh together and have a good time, but her mood swings and stubbornness create an imbalance which prevented me from having a childhood that didn’t screw me up. It still prevents me from having a normal, healthy relationship with my mother. My problem is that I am getting tired of her bullshit and therefore distant myself from her. Which does not contribute to a good relationship at all. Therefore, it becomes easier for her to only call me out on the things I messed up which leads to me retreating further which, in turn, creates a vicious cycle we have not yet managed to break out from.

Moral of this story: Remember that failing comes as natural to humans as breathing and that is okay. Don’t define a person per their mishaps. Learn from your mistakes as well as the ones other make. And, for the love of God, don’t (under any circumstances) tell your children that they are failures and they will never make it. Just fucking don’t.

[natg1rl-blog]

Life Lessons

Chapter 2 Part 1 of ‘Little Black Book’.

xx

First term of year eight finally came to a close and what an adventure it had been. I was still saddened by the fact I had been knocked down from my pedestal and was no longer considered one of the ‘cool kids’. Even my ex boyfriend from primary school and his best friend Murphie ran with Millee’s crowd. You would think they would have had my back, but apparently even in High School it’s every man for themselves. No matter what the situation, I had to remain thankful for the friends I had – old and new. On the last day of the first term for year Eight, the girls and I decided to do a celebratory lunch down at Pizza Hut. It was all you can eat for $9.95, best deal around. Initially it was just Renee, Sarah, Marley and I who had the lunch date… but when Pamela caught wind of it there was no way she was letting us go without her. When the bell rang at 1pm the five of us couldn’t get out of class quick enough. Two weeks of freedom sounded like the best thing in the world to me. Getting away from that school, those awful girls and not to mention Scott and Pamela’s putrid relationship was the only thing that kept me going. Unfortunately however I had to spend one more afternoon with her and my patience was running thin...

‘Oh… my… god, I can’t believe we haven’t come across any hot guys yet!’ Pam obnoxiously blurted out on the side walk of a busy main road.

She was the epitome of embarrassment.

‘You have a boyfriend.’ I snarled.

That didn’t stop her though.

‘It’s okay to look.’ She shot back.

I rolled my eyes.

‘Well it probably doesn’t help that you’re with us.’ I said meanly.

I couldn’t control myself, it was like word vomit. All of the girls laughed, including Pam. I guess she felt it was easier to laugh off an insult than to believe that I had actually meant it.

When we reached Pizza Hut the five of us approached the lady behind the counter.

‘Can we please get the kids works?’ Marley asked the lady before she even looked ready to deal with us.

‘Sorry girls, lunch finishes in ten minutes.’ The lady informed us.

All five of us looked at each other with the same kind of reaction. The unanimous one was disappointment.

‘Unless you think you can manage that?’ The lady interrupted.

Before either of us even had the opportunity to say anything, Pam felt her input necessary.

‘C’mon guys, we can totally stuff our faces in ten minutes.’

I could not even believe she went there.

‘Pamela don’t be stupid.’ I snorted.

I felt like her mother.

‘Hungry Jacks is just over the road, maybe we should go there instead?’ Marley suggested.

All of us felt as though that was the next best option, apart from Pam of course but she was victoriously out-voted.

We all made the short trek across the road to Hungry Jacks. Once we sat down with our meals it didn’t take long for the discussion to turn south.

‘I wish Scott were here.’ Pam groaned.

I swallowed hard in my throat. I felt Renee’s eyes on me, looking for a reaction. I could tell she was worried that Pam’s comment upset me, and it did. At that moment a group of young boys walked into the restaurant. Every single one of us girls went silent, including Pam. As they emerged closer I noticed that a couple of them looked familiar to me. I turned to Renee and could tell that she knew them too, that’s when it clicked.

Earlier that year a few of us went to our first High School Blue Light Disco. It was one of the best nights I had ever had. I ended up meeting a guy who was friendly, charming and somewhat cute. The two of us had an instant connection and we spent the most part of the night dancing with one another. His friends were associated with a few of Renee’s friends so she had seen them out from time to time. Our groups migrated into the night and I felt as though it may have been the beginning of a beautiful romance. A couple of days after the disco Renee texted one of the guys she knew to dig up any information that might indicate that the cute guy may have also been into me. His name was Cahile. He was short, but taller than me, and he looked very Country - red hair, freckles, and dark brown eyes. He wasn’t melt-your-soul hot but he still had that cuteness about him that sparked my interest just enough. The moment that truly shattered my opinion of the opposite sex was when Renee broke the news that Cahile had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. He had told his friends that I was gross and that just brought me back to the primary school days when girls had ‘cooties’. I was glad that Cahile wasn’t with the guys now.

‘Hey Renee, how’s it going?’ One of the familiar guys approached whilst the others decided to proceed to the counter.

I was a little taken aback that he even approached us; I guess he was more acquainted with Renee than I had originally thought.

‘Hi Drew, not bad yourself?’ She responded politely.

He stood there a little bit awkwardly for a moment as though he was waiting for an introduction. Luckily Renee caught on quickly before it got too weird.

‘Oh, these are my friends,’ She started to point us all out.

Here we go, I thought to myself.

‘Marley, Sarah, Pamela... and you know Bella?’

Dammit.

Drew looked at me blankly until something registered in his brain.

‘Oh, yes. You’re the girl who…’ I cut him off before he could finish that sentence.

‘Please don’t remind me.’

Drew chuckled. He seemed nice enough. I was thankful that he left the situation alone.

‘I better go join my mates, nice to meet you.’ He ended whilst turning around to join his friends.

I never knew a Thirteen year old boy to be so polite.

‘He was really cute.’ Marley commented once Drew was out of sight.

‘Isn’t he?’ Renee shyly agreed.

‘I actually think his friend is hot, the one with the scruffy brown hair.’ I had to admit.

Drew’s friend was also there the night of the Blue Light Disco. I remember thinking the same thing then but I was too caught up in Cahile to care.

‘Oh my god Bella, I was just thinking the same thing. We have the best taste in guys!’

Oh great, Pamela had an opinion. I tried to ignore her whenever she spoke. I often just faked a smile and let that be that.

After lunch the girls and I decided to take a walk to the shopping centre and do some window shopping before saying goodbye for the day. As we headed to the Plaza, Pamela  took the lead with Marley and Sarah, whilst Renee and I trailed behind.

‘You okay?’ Renee asked.

I smiled at her concerned nature.

‘Yeah, I’ll get over it.’ I promised with a smile.

There were plenty more fish in the sea. At least that’s what they say.

I couldn’t help but notice Pamela walking like an absolute weirdo. She used to be a child model and from the looks of things she was desperately trying to rehash her glory days.

‘Pam we’re not on the catwalk!’ I taunted.

Pamela laughed off my insult once more. Nothing seemed to faze her. Either that or she knew how to hide it well. When we reached the shopping centre the five of us took rounds in calling our parents. Pamela went last and I didn’t even bother.

My mum was a cool mum. I had grown up my whole entire life with just her and my brother. She used to tell me stories about my dad and how he never wanted us kids. My sister allegedly turned around at the innocent age of four and told my mum to go fuck herself. Where she learned that kind of language, I have no idea. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back in mum’s eyes and she made our dad take Mila away to live with him. I never knew a life where my mum and dad were together. They split up when I was about 2 years old. One of the stories mum told me that will always stay with me was that when I was very young she won a car through the local radio station. Her and my dad had already split at this time so he was jealous of this victory. She told me that because of this reason my dad came around to our place when mum was at work, kidnapped my brother and me, let the dog out from the side gate and then blackmailed mum into giving him the car. If she didn’t he swore she would never see us kids again, and it was too late for the poor dog. From what I knew of my dad, he didn’t seem like the kind of person who would do that. I knew my dad a little. I never got to see him often but he and mum stayed in touch and she would often seek refuge from him at times of struggle. But why would my mum lie? It wasn’t until much later in my life that I discovered that was unfortunately mum’s go-to. She was a compulsive liar and it was destined to become a big problem in the future. Because mum and I were so close in the early days she did have a lot of trust in me. So on days that I decided to do a little bit of shopping with friends, or go to the movies with my sister, she trusted that I was responsible enough to take care of myself. A lot of people would continuously comment that I was older beyond my years. I knew what was black and white, right from wrong, good from evil – can’t say the same for everyone. I didn’t need a strict parent like some kids do, so our relationship worked well.

Pamela didn’t have the same kind of parent. When she got off the phone from speaking to her dad something was different about her. She had this fear behind her eyes and it almost looked as though she was struggling to fight back tears.

‘You guys, I can’t stay. My dad’s really mad.’ She explained.

‘Why is he mad?’ I wondered.

I was surprised at my genuine concern.

‘Because I told him we were going to Pizza Hut and he was meant to pick me up from there. He is really angry that we’ve been walking the streets without a parent with us.’ She went on.

‘Pam we’re thirteen, not five.’ I seemed to be the only one who had an opinion on this matter.

Pamela didn’t have a come-back; she sort of just let her head drop down with her mouth in a pout. I felt bad for her.

‘Okay so what’s happening?’ I asked.

‘He’s coming to get me… will you girls wait?’ She sounded desperate.

I wasn’t overly keen but before I could say anything Marley answered for the group.

‘Of course we will.’

Time was passing so slowly. It felt like it had been several minutes since Pam got off the phone with her dad and I knew for a fact they only lived down the road. The four of us were sitting on one of the benches outside the shopping centre whilst Pamela nervously stood watch over the car park.

‘I thought you said your dad rushes.’ I mentioned, less than thrilled that we were wasting valuable daylight.

‘When he’s mad he usually does.’ She promised.

Just then her dad’s four-wheel drive came roaring around the corner. The four of us stood up ready to say goodbye. Pam headed toward her dad’s car but momentarily stopped to turn back toward us.

‘Is anyone coming?’ She pleaded.

I knew she only asked because if one of us went with her it would prolong her lecture until she and her dad were in private. None of the girls were willing to play the bad guy so I chimed in.

‘No sorry, we’re all staying.’

‘Okay,’ disappointment clouded her voice before she turned back and headed for her dad, ‘bye.’

As Pamela hopped into the vehicle and her dad drove away I breathed a sigh of relief and turned to the girls.

‘Can we please go and have some fun,’ words that I had been waiting to utter all day.