#god wait what fandom was i into when i was getting therapy in 2019....fuCK RIGHT I TALKED ABT D/IRK GENTLY TO MY THERAPISTDSFSL

[actualbird]

vyn has single-handedly improved my mental health and i’m not even kidding. my irl therapist thinks it’s funny because i mention him in every session 💀

GENUINELY and i mean this from the bottom of my heart with utmost sincerity, IM RLLY HAPPY FOR U. i cannot stress enough how much i relate to both Blorbo Making Brain Feel Better and also Talking About Blorbo To Therapist. i used to do that back when i was getting therapy years ago and god knows that if i was getting therapy now, i wld be talking about luke pearce certainly much more than was strictly speaking Necessary

that being said this is also still immensely hilarious. you speaking about a fictional therapist to ur real therapist.....obsessed. godspeed, anon.

[padfootprongslet]

title: ignoring you ( but not forever ) fandom: Roswell New Mexico genre: general, slight angst. pairings:  isabel evans & alex manes, michael guerin/alex manes rating: general links: ao3 warnings/triggers: N/A word count: 1006 words summary: Alex goes to talk to Michael. —-

Day 4 of Roswell New Mexico Week - “I’m going to ignore you just said that”. notes: @roswellnewmexicoweek

read here on ao3 or under the read more

It’s a few days later that Alex finds himself at Michael’s airstream, Isabel grinning up at him from the chair she’s in, eyes wide and filled with delight. Alex doesn’t pay her any attention though, feeling slightly nervous over the fact that he’s about to --

Well, he’s about to go to Michael and say that he’s ready, provided they talk about everything first. Isabel’s grin falters slightly as she steps up to him and wraps her arms around him, and he feels himself relax just a bit, unable to stop himself from smiling at Isabel, nudging her a little bit.

“You’ve got this!” She whispers when she pulls away and Alex lets out a chuckle as she pushes him lightly towards the door of Michael’s airstream, his entire body filling with nerves once more as he steps up and knocks on the door before entering -- because he knows Michael knows he’s here already, and isn’t going to bother waiting.

Entering the airstream, Alex lets out a small breath, his eyes roaming around the vehicle, taking everything in, even the changes that he sees, a small smile curving upwards when he finally spots Michael sitting cross-legged on his bed, his phone in his hands, his head tilted, obviously curious as to why Alex is here in the first place. The buzzing in Alex’s head lightens a bit, and he can’t stop himself from relaxing his shoulders as he heads towards Michael and sits opposite from him, biting his lower lip briefly, keeping eye contact with Michael.

“What are ya doing here? Decided to twist the knife a little bit more?” Michael asks, and Alex knows he’s trying to appear nonchalant, but he’s not an idiot - he can tell Michael’s heart is beating fast and furious inside of his chest, waiting for whatever it is Alex needs to say.

“I’m going to ignore you said that, and hopefully, by the end of this conversation, you won’t want to say something like that again,” Alex responds after a few minutes before he finds himself frowning at Michael.

“I love you, Michael,” he says after a few minutes of having remained silent. When he sees Michael open his mouth, he shakes his head, looks at him with wide eyes. “I need to say this first. Please, let me?” He asks, breathing in relief when Michael nods his head and closes his mouth, all of the things he wants to say but isn’t sure how to say swirling around in his mind.

“I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. You said you never looked away, but you did. And you did it with someone I consider a very close friend - and then you didn’t even tell me about it - not right away. And that hurt. A lot. But I did my best to forget about it, to try and move on, because clearly, you wanted to move on. But then you and --- you spent --- that night happened, and I hated myself. The last time I hated myself the way I did that night was when my Dad found us and destroyed your hand. And I realized --” Alex takes a breath here, looking away from Michael for a minute with a frown, before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“I realized that there’s a lot of trauma between us. Between my Dad hurting you, you seeing your Mom die, that night that I hate the most -- there’s so much trauma, that we haven’t really figured out how to get past that together. We’ve tried separately, and it’s affected us, easily, but together? No.” Alex watches as Michael’s eyes widen, and he does his best to continue, biting the inside of his cheek from time to time before letting out a small groan.

“I love you. I’m always going to love you, that’s not a lie. But if we want to move forward in a relationship, we need help. We need therapy. We need to see if we can work things out between us, without any of the resentment. We need --” Alex pauses here, trying to figure out how to say what else he wants to say, but before he can, Michael interrupts.

“We need to talk about what happened between us all of those years ago, and then figure out if we can forgive one another?” Alex nods his head, looking at Michael with wide eyes.

“I want to - god, I want to. I want you in my life, Guerin. I want to be able to wake up in the morning curled into you, I want to be able to kiss you and fuck you and make love with you, but there’s so many things holding us back and -- we need to talk about it,” Alex finishes with a small shrug of his shoulders, Michael nodding in understanding.

“I get that,” He whispers and Alex can’t help but smile at the other man, a small chuckle escaping from him.

“We should probably find a therapist who knows about aliens, though,” Alex adds and he can’t help but grin when Michael lets out a laugh, can’t help but watch the man he loves with soft eyes.

“It would definitely be better if we didn’t have to skip details,” Michael adds, moving his hand so that he’s holding onto Alex’s. Alex sucks back a breath at the feeling, interlaces their fingers, chuckling when he hears Isabel from outside letting out a victory cheer, rolling his eyes fondly.

“You and your family love to spy, don’t you?” Alex chuckles, grinning when Michael only rolls his eyes in response, though there’s a small smirk forming.

“We can’t stop ourselves,” Michael whispers, looking at Alex with narrowed eyes before he relaxes, “And if Iz was smart, she’d stop spying now,” Michael adds and Alex finds himself confused, but before he can even think about it, Michael is leaning forward and kissing him and oh, Alex missed this, he thinks, a small smile forming as he kisses Guerin back.

[veliseraptor]

fic rec meme: 2019 edition

Rules: Post links (Ao3, ff.net, etc.); specify fandom/pairing/etc; don’t answer the same fic twice - spread the appreciation; tag other people; you don’t have to answer all the questions, but leave them in the list so the next person can answer if they want.

I was tagged by I think a couple people - @aphrodaisyacs and @aninfinitenumberofmonkeys. I’m going to try to keep this pretty short because I have a tendency to go on and then not finish these kinds of things because I overwhelm myself. 

I also cheated a bit on a few (a lot) of these because I read a lot of really good fic this year. And tried to include some recs I haven’t seen from others in my circle/fics I don’t see recced that often (though that’s not true of all of them).

I also shuffled things around so I didn’t repeat them, though a lot of these could be included in more than one category.

1. Favourite complete fic you’ve read this month (multiple chapters/parts): I did not read a single complete multichapter fic this month. Meant to, but didn’t do it.

2. Favourite complete fic you’ve read this month (one-shot): The mirror has a mirror in its teeth by deadendtracks. Peaky Blinders, Tommy/Lizzie, messy as hell in the way that I love.

3. Favourite WIP you’ve read this month: But I’ve read so many good WIPs this month. I’ll go with Contraction by NamelessDragon, MCU, Loki/Bucky, sequel to Compression (also amazing), which I’m finally catching up on after being stuck on reading almost everything for months.

4. One fic/series you’ve read which you keep coming back to again and again: (those yesterdays bleeding through by wnnbdarklord (MCU, time loop set during The Dark World) comes to mind, as, of course, does Bargaining by proantagonist (alas! for its vanishing), but to pick one that kept coming up this year I’m going to have to go with the nine in the tree by bereft_of_frogs, MCU, Thor & Loki-centric, post-Ragnarok AU.

5. Most underrated fic you’ve read this year: It feels like cheating to do this for a small book fandom, but you know what? My small book fandoms deserve more love. Based on lowest kudos I’m going to go with that he on dry land loveliest liveth by skyvehicle, Lymond Chronicles, post-Pawn in Frankincense. 

6. Most underrated fic you’ve read EVER: God, I don’t know. Again, it would be a small book fandom. You know? Because it deserves it and I love it and it probably is the most underrated fic, if only because it’s in a tiny fandom - In Memoriam by Tedronai, Malazan: Book of the Fallen, I love grief/mourning fic.

7. Favourite whump/angst fic of the year: This was tough since this is the genre I read most of in general, but because I managed to get a lot of fics on here via other categories, I’m choosing Into the earth I trampled it down by deadendtracks, Peaky Blinders, grief/mourning featuring Polly and Tommy. This fic was ouch all around, and beautifully written, and excellently characterized, and just...well, I’m clearly going to be reading everything that deadendtracks writes from here on out.

But I’m also going to slide In Cold Blood by NamelessDragon (MCU, Loki & Bucky, canon divergence AU) on here too, because it just updated and it really is fantastic, and I am so excited for more. It has all my favorite tropes written all over it, and promises some truly excellent whump based on the writer’s history.

8. Favourite hurt/comfort fic of the year: Again, a category with a lot of faves, but I settled on Walked In These Quiet Hazes by ratsats, MCU, AU where Loki comes back from the dead and is majorly fucked up, as is most everyone else. It’s rough, and it’s beautiful. And calling it “hurt/comfort” is probably...well, it takes a while to get to the comfort, I can say that, but it’s worth it. 

9. Favourite fluff fic of the year: Did I. Did I read any fluff this year? I suppose some of the Good Omens fic I read probably qualifies, though it doesn’t feel like fluff to me so much as...comedy? Wait, I’ve got one: Love Wounds Me With Soft Pillows by verbaepuchellae, Lymond Chronicles, Francis/Philippa, post-Checkmate.

Oh yes, after I wrote this I found another one: such surpassing brightness by Handful_of_Silence, Good Omens, Crowley/Aziraphale. Beautifully inventive, and fits into a very specific genre I can’t get enough of.

11. Favourite smut fic of the year: Shockingly, I didn’t read a lot of smut this year. I’m going to go with The Beast That Chose It’s Own Bridle by thespectaclesofthor, Doctrine of Labyrinths, Felix/Murtagh, post-series, (less than) kink negotiation, WIP. 

Oh, and also Chains of Gold by Anonymous, Lymond Chronicles, Lymond/Gabriel, hoo boy. My glorious Lymond/Gabriel fic I received for Yuletide. I can’t wait to find out who wrote it so I can lie down on their doorstep and beg for them to write more like this.

10. Favourite gen fic of the year: The Thanos Problem by Ranowa, MCU, post-Ragnarok AU. Okay, this is technically a series, so sue me. I especially liked When the Hammer Falls.

12. Favourite fix-it fic of the year/ever: This might be the hardest one. I read a lot of fix-it fic this year. I wonder why. I’m going with “the year” because otherwise it is just far too overwhelming and I couldn’t choose.

After a lot of debate with myself, and by eliminating other fic by virtue of sliding it into other categories, I settled on two: the only soul I’ve ever saved by valkyrisms, MCU, Loki survives Infinity War fix-it. I overall got pretty quickly annoyed with the genre of Loki-and-Peter Parker fics, but this one was just...so good. The Peter voice was amazing, the working with Loki’s Jotun biology as part of the whump was inspired, it was well written as all of valkyrisms work is, and just...so good. 

The other (I told you I was cheating!) is Keep It In Your Sights Now by LuckyDiceKirby, Shades of Magic, Lila/Kell/Holland, fix-it fic. I needed this fic in two ways - the threesome it involves, and the fix-it it involves. Delivered on both.

13. Favourite crack-fic fic of the year: I really don’t read crack-fic anymore.

14. Favourite sick-fic this year: Castaway by ariaadagio, Lucifer, Chloe/Lucifer, is me cheating again because “sick-fic” it is only loosely, but I want to include it because it was very good. Though I think technically I reread it this year. Apparently I didn’t read much sick-fic? Weird.

15. Favourite kid-fic this year: Another thing I don’t read very often, and apparently this year (at least based on my bookmarks) don’t have a rec for. 

15. Fic this year which you didn’t expect to love as much as you do:  Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach by Nnm, Good Omens, therapy fic. Okay, so, in premise and everything this did have “me” written all over it. But I certainly didn’t expect to find it, and I definitely didn’t expect it to be as good as it was, right down to making me love an OC (which is rare).

16. Fic which convinced you to ship a pairing: This is cheating because technically it was another fic on this list, but since I wouldn’t ship it without it I’m going to rec As much what it is as what it’s not by deadendtracks, Peaky Blinders, Tommy/Lizzie.

17. Favourite AU you’ve read this year: I slid some of my fix-it fics over here, because canon divergence AUs are my jam and maybe that wasn’t the intent of this question but I don’t care. 

After some debate with myself, and rereading several favorites, I’m settling on my fearful trip is done by valkyrisms, MCU, the one where Steve runs into an unexpected child of Thanos in Wakanda. It’s real good, you guys. And yes, this does mean that I’ve put two valkyrisms fics on this list and I’m not sorry.

18. Longest fic/series you’ve read this year: This one’s easy! Eden!verse by ImprobableDreams900, Good Omens, Crowley/Aziraphale, the first fic in the series made me cry more than anything I’ve read in years.

19. The last fic you’ve read: The last new fic I read, since I reread a bunch of new things on this list while I was sorting through what I was going to choose, was to prove they are not dead by alreadybroken.

20. Wildcard fic you haven’t mentioned but deserves a shout-out + why: I waffled back and forth between two fics and what the hell, you know what, I’m going with both. The first is Miles to Go by josiepug, Peaky Blinders, which satisfied my desperate Tommy whump itch (for a time, it’s back now); the second is Where Is the Power That Made Your Pride? by Drag0nst0rm, The Silmarillion, aka the one where Celegorm lives and things are still bad. Not an AU I knew I wanted, but I guess I’m not surprised. 

Bonus Category: 

Best horror fic: dark underground//violent sky by bereft_of_frogs, MCU, I can’t tell you more than that because it would spoil it. I love horror fic and I have missed it since leaving Supernatural fandom. This one scratched that itch and I’m still thinking about it. Maybe it’s time for a reread.

As usual, I’m sure I’ve missed/forgotten some faves. I always do. 

I...lord, I feel like most of the people I’d usually tag have already been tagged for this? If you’re a mutual of mine and you haven’t been, go for it! I’m always excited to see more recs.

[nightklok]

chickles for 2? or toki for 3 if someone asked for chickles already :3

Fandom Memes [open!] (shout out to firefox for crashing and making me rewrite this like twice-so i continued to add more to this because why not)

When I started shipping them: Oh this is actually a funny story- I can’t quite remember when I started shipping them but according to AO3, I read a chickles fanfic in November 2019 (the only one i didn’t reread because im sure there were others i read too) and that was around when I began starting the show. But around that time, I SWEAR when I looked at Charles wiki, there was some line there that was along the lines of  ‘Charles and Pickles had slept together sometime before Dethklok. while pickles doesn’t remember it, charles does’ I don’t even know if it was possibly a fever dream, mixing up a fanfic as canon, or I just happened to scroll through it when someone threw the line in BUT I CONSIDERED IT CANON and I lowkey waited for that scene as I remembered it on/off and it didn’t take until April 2020 when I finally finished the show to realize that it wasn’t canon D: so thanks to fanfics and probably misreading something in November-december 2019 that’s when I shipped them :D (Also if anyone knows where I may have gotten this from pls link me)

My thoughts: I love them!! They’ve made me happy shipping them and they’re just a good and wholesome ship to me! I think it has everything I could ever want in a ship; the angsty and sad moments but also the happy ones- I don’t know how I can articulate just how much they clicked with me but they really did! They’re like the ultimate band parents,

What makes me happy about them: I think I love how they can bring something in each other that they normally wouldn’t be able to do themselves. I headcanon Pickles as someone with ADHD (and aries because hi im an aries with ADHD) and I think Charles would be able to help calm him down and keep him focused or at least stimulated when he needs to be. Being with Charles can help him be a bit controlled (Though sometimes not by much when he wants to be a tease haha). I love the idea too of Pickles being able to bring Charles to have a more exciting day or just being able to help break routine a bit. Pickles sometimes likes to do things on the spur of the night just to keep himself entertained and Charles prefers to keep things in a schedule. They would find a compromise where Charles clears out a day and Pickles just takes him somewhere random. Is it a concert? Forest? Amusement park? Half the fun’s in not knowing! But Charles enjoys that he can be a bit looser and actually get to laugh and smile and just be having the time of his life with him-

What makes me sad about them: I think Doomstar/Post-doomstar and even the events between season 2 and 3 makes me sad, it breaks my heart in two just thinking about it. Pickles...would be so fucking devastated  when Charles died, especially if we go by if they met during Snakes N’ Barrels and he may have never gotten a chance to confess his feelings (or he did for more sadness) and Post-doomstar? He probably ends up blaming Charles leaving on himself and- though depending on where we’re thinking of the possibility of the timeline of their relationship, Going Downklok may have wrecked their relationship because alternatively, Pickles may not have flirted with Abigail but probably something else caused them to break up or destroy their relationship. There was a lot of tension/build up in that episode so I guess their build up and eventual burst would be feelings having to resurface, possibly Pickles getting too far in his addictions and Charles still revealing nothing about what happened during his absence or why he came back; so then you get  the dinner scene and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back to get him to quit and then all the events unfold and Pickles just blames himself so heavily on it  oh god i need to WRITE THIS

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: I don’t think there’s anything in fanfic that annoys me when people write them- It’s more of being uncomfortable/disturbed?...there were a few fics I came across where Charles was borderline abusive/overly sadistic (and one where I wish I hadn’t read-) that left a bad taste in my mouth after reading it. I just feel like that’s way too OOC and Charles definitely isn’t the type of person to be an abusive asshole and/or would definitely know the boundaries of being sadistic in the bedroom while still making sure his partner is into it/feels safe. But i guess that kinda goes in general for any Charles/character fics- 

Things I look for in fanfic: I think them being in character, an interesting plot line, and just it being well written is all i can ask for haha-I honestly love any Chickles fanfic out there; I think the things I look for in particular are either his reactions to seeing Charles when he comes back or anything post doomstar but also implying that they met during Snakes N Barrels help

My wishlist:

I guess I’m just gonna shove in things I hope to write actually- (screaming at me to write particular fics helps motivate me so go @ it-)

A Star reader AU: this actually would be the one of the first (probs second or third) Chickles fic I had ever written as I had drafted it around ago even though I had initially planned for the Chickles to kinda be hinted at but with what I know now, would make it more prevalent. If anyone has read Blood Red Road by Moira Young you might see where I’m going but basically, there was a character who was able to read the stars and predict the future. (if you’re hoping the novel goes more into that i’m sorry-) So if we make Charles one of those people, then probably adds more depth to why he chose to work with Dethklok right? :D  Secret singer fic: I AM writing that one!! I just got sidetracked but God I’m gonna get back to it as soon as I can!! Basically for anyone else reading this, Charles and his friends put up a bet to see how difficult (or easy) it would be for Charles to become internet famous by having him post covers/original songs under an anonymous name. It becomes a chaotic mess when he gets more than he bargained for and does end up gaining some popularity, someone on the internet spreads the rumor the singer is someone famous, and a particular someone came across those songs and finds the lyrics almost a little too relatable. That fic where instead of Pickles being happy that Charles is back from the dead and they can live happily ever after, he becomes incredibly distressed and heartbroken because he ends up suffering major trauma. because seeing your bf ‘die’ all bloodied and mangled and coming back with only a scar and secrets he won’t tell you? That’s definitely years worth of therapy right there. That is like the only fic of this list even remotely close to finishing but God, definitely one of the most difficult to write- Fics where they met before/during Snakes N’ Barrels. I need to write one or two fics on that because I consider it canon. I’m sure I have mentioned drafting one or two fics like that?? Gotta look through my evernotes-

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I’m sorry but no my mind refuses to delve further- And i mean I’ve been digging Magnus/Charles lately and we all know how that wouldn’t last either so they’re meant for each other fjkdsfjlk

My happily ever after for them: The boys defeat Salacia, Charles and Pickles reunite and kiss for the first time in such a long time. They’re finally happy together and get to officially date (or continue where they left off). Charles is able to retire as the priest as his work is completed (or he manages to get it more public considering they saved the world so most likely it’d be a recognized religion) They get married, and when Dethklok officially retires, they buy a few houses, maybe even do music projects together or Charles takes over Crystal Mountain Records actually and Pickles helps out by being one of the music producers, they adopt a cat or dog or both, and just be happy with each other :D

[thechildoflightning]

Ch4- Penultimate (November)

Title: Calendrical Consequences [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: Eventual CALM/LAMP

~~~

Chapter Title: Penultimate (November)- Chapter Four

Summary: 

Virgil starts to sort out his feelings surrounding his future testimony and reflects on how his trauma has affected him.

Warnings: PTSD, Past Abuse of a Minor and Related Symptoms (nonsexual), Past Manipulation, Past Cult Involvement, Past Kidnapping, Past Abusive Relationship, Allusions to Sexual Abuse

[ao3 link]

~~~

Penultimate (November)- Chapter Four

~~~

November 4, 2019

Virgil didn’t mind the office. It had basic furniture; a desk, bookshelf, coffee table, a couch, two chairs, with a side table each, and a beanbag. 

The desk was messy, with just enough area cleaned out for the shape of a computer. Papers covered it, mostly in uneven lumps. More than one official looking envelope was shoved in between them. 

The interesting parts were the decorations. Disney figurines to Pixar plushies to posters of animated characters covered the office in just away that it stayed aesthetically pleasing while not overwhelming. It was childish in a way that still seemed professional, and honestly set Virgil a bit at ease, because these had to be his therapist interest, and the fact that he was sharing for all to see was hopefully a reflection of an open and trustworthy character. 

Virgil had never been in a therapist's office quite like it before, but he liked. It wasn’t the same comfort as his old therapist’s office, but it was nice. It had an open and inviting energy to it.

Plus, in the entire office, there wasn’t a single houseplant. Good. His counselor had a few of those, and Virgil absolutely hated them.

“So, how are you feeling about having to testify?”

“Fine,” Virgil mumbled, choosing to train his eyes on a Steven Universe poster in lieu of replying in a deeper manner.

The gentleman across from him sighed and tapped his pen against his notebook.

“Virgil, I know I’m not your old therapist, but I need you to put in some effort here.”

“I am.”

The man shook his head and leaned forward, setting down the notebook for a second as he trained his eyes on Virgil. Virgil looked steadfastly in the other direction.

“No, you’re not. Don’t forget that Dan and me talked. He told me that you would dart around everything until you trusted me. He also told you to give me a chance.”

“So I have trust issues. Big whoop,” Virgil mocked.

Sure he had told Dan that he would give the guy a chance, but wasn’t he technically doing that? He was sitting here in this guy’s office, wasn’t he? That had to count for something.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean?” Virgil asked as a frown crossed his face.

“You don’t trust me. You testify against your abuser in five months. During those five months you will repeatedly discuss the abuse you faced, in detail, digging up seven years of memories. You can’t see Dan. Are you just going to go therapist hopping until then? Ignore your trauma? Bottling everything up? For this to work, I need you to give me a chance,” the therapist insisted.

Something in that mini speech managed to light something in Virgil. From where had been subdued and zoned out, inspecting the room without care, he was now angry and alert. His heart thumped in his chest and the world seemed to press down around him.

“What the hell would you know,” Virgil hissed out, “I went through seven years of hell. Seven years! I spent close to a decade of my life in a fucking cult where the adults manipulated the shit out of me. For seven years I lived with people who literally did not care if I died. And here you are telling me that I need to trust you? Yeah, no fucking way,” Virgil huffed, wiping angry tears from his eyes. When did those get there?

He huffed for breath while his therapist looked at him calmly all the while. Seriously, what was this guy’s deal?

“What was that like?”

“What?”

“What was it like growing up knowing that the people who were supposed to love you didn’t care if you died?” he pressed.

Virgil stared at him and then burst into tears. Trixie put her pressure on him as the humiliation of crying in front of someone unfamiliar rose up within him.

“It was horrible,” Virgil choked out.

“Why?”

“Why?” he asked incredulously, “Because I was fucking kidnapped by a cult!”

The man in front of Virgil just waited.

“Because I thought they cared,” Virgil admitted. “They hurt me, but they told me they loved me. And I know that wasn’t okay, but they told me that they loved me. And they convinced me that no one else cared, but they did. And I wanted to believe them.”

“Did you believe them?”

Virgil hesitated. The therapist rose an eyebrow at him.

“Yes,” he admitted.

“Do you believe it now?”

“I- I mean I know they don’t care about me like my dad does or my friends do. They don’t love me like they were supposed to.”

“But do you still believe they loved you?” he continued to press.

Anger began to well up in Virgil again. Because god, he didn’t know. He had been taken by fucking psychopaths and forced to behave and adhere to their rules and they abused him so of course they didn’t love them.

But they said they did and sometimes they even let him go outside and gather berries or let him have a day off where he didn’t have to do anything at all, and well, that was nice of them right? They didn’t have to do those things and they did and sure they hurt him but...

Virgil looked at the doctor.

“Yes,” he whispered, “I still believe that they loved me.”

The doctor nodded and leaned back in his chair.

“Well Virgil, that’s our time for today. Will I be seeing you next week?”

Virgil looked at the doctor while he gathered his thoughts. Eventually, he nodded and stood.

“I’ll be here,” he said, turning to leave the room.

As he opened the door to exit, he turned around.

“Uh, Dr. Picani?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

“Virgil, I didn’t do anything.”

Virgil hesitated for a second, then shook his head and left.

God, he was absolutely exhausted. Therapy would do that to you. Fuck. And he still had one more class today. 

He sighed, swiped at his eyes again, and set a path towards the bus station, Trixie standing faithfully at his side as always.

-

November 6, 2019

“Are either of you going home this year?” Patton asked. 

The exuberant roommate draped himself over the back of the couch and onto both Virgil and Roman.

“No,” they responded at the same time.

“Great! Logan isn’t either, how do you two feel about coming home with me?” Patton questioned with his signature smile. 

Roman turned around to look at his friend with a wide smile.

“Hell yeah! That sounds great. Are you sure your family won’t mind?”

Patton grinned back at his younger friend.

“Are you kidding?” he asked, “They’re dying to meet you. Get it? Dying? Kind of like the turkey we’re about to kill? Okay now I just made myself sad. Bad pun, I wish- get it like the wishbone of a turkey- that I could take it back.”

Roman just snorted and rolled his eyes, grinning merrily all the while.

God Patton and Roman were really just overgrown puppies, weren’t they? Not even Trixie had this much energy.

“Virge, you coming with us?” Patton asked, turning the focus over to him.

The smallest boy shrugged.

“I dunno,” he commented.

“Why not,” Roman groaned, flopping onto Virgil’s lap with a dramatic sigh. Virgil scowled, but didn’t bother pushing him off.

“I just- You're already going to have Roman and Logan- I wouldn’t want to impose-” he explained.

“Virgil, do you want to come? It isn’t a trick question.” Pattern asked, looking softly into the younger boys eyes. Virgil quickly looked away and fiddled with his fingers.

“Well, I mean, yes, but-”

“And do you trust that I want you there?”

“Yes-”

“Then what’s the issue.”

Virgil shrugged, “It’s just- y’know, it’s supposed to be family time. I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

“Virgil, I need you to listen to me.”

Virgil glanced up and made eye contact with Patton.

“Virgil, I don’t know who told you that you were an obstacle in life, but I want to murder them right now. I’m not inviting you because you make Thanksgiving less fun. I’m inviting you because I genuinely enjoy your company,” he explained in a serious manor.

Virgil gave a small nod and started to grin.

“Is that a yes?” Roman asked, still on top of Virgil.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, his smile growing.

“Wooo, yes! This is going to be great!” Roman said in excitement, jumping off the couch, and by extension, Virgil’s lap.

Patton’s gleeful “I know, right!” quickly followed.

Virgil didn’t join in, but he smiled to himself nonetheless.

-

November 16, 2019

Virgil wasn’t quite sure how he managed to make it through the day. His brain was so exhausted that he had started to become physically affected by it, the tiredness seeping into his bones and weighing him down. It took all his energy to just open the door to the apartment when he got back. Maybe he would take a quick nap. Yup, that sounded like a good plan. 

With a groan, he left to his room and fell onto his bed, prepared to rest as long as he could before being forced to be productive once again.

“Oh, hi,” a voice said.

“Holy shit!” Virgil shouted as he jumped, falling off his bed.

“Woah, dude, it’s just me,” Roman said, “Been sitting on my bed since you walked through the door.”

Wow, he really must of been tired. One of the many outcomes of his PTSD meant that he tended to be hyper aware of his surroundings. Missing Roman completely- who literally was just sitting on his bed in plain view- really was a true indicator of just how drained he was.

Virgil sighed and picked himself off the floor.

“You look like crap,” Roman commented as he put down the textbook he seemed to be scanning.

“Therapy,” Virgil huffed in explanation, “Do you even go to classes? I swear, I’ve never been home when you’re not here.”

Roman laughed, “Yes, I go to classes. You just got stuck with a shitty schedule.”

Virgil groaned but conceded to the truth in his statement.

“But seriously man, are you okay? I don’t care if it was a therapist, I can kick his ass if need be. I mean, I know you said your last session with the new guy went well, but...”

Roman had narrowed his eyebrows, sitting up on his bed. His arms were folded and he pouted a little bit. If he wasn’t so serious- and if Virgil wasn’t so tired- he would have laughed.

“First off, Roman, you literally wouldn’t be able to kick anyone’s ass, you would be too worried about your hair getting ruined or your nails getting chipped.”

“True but-”

“And anyways, yes I’m exhausted, but it was a really good session.”

Roman frowned, “Wait. If you had a good session, shouldn’t you be like, happy?”

Virgil sighed. Roman was a great guy, but he often didn’t get things like this.

“Not always,” Virgil said, “It’s like-” What’s something that Roman could relate to? “Uh, it’s like when your doing play practice, right? And you’re playing your part, but you suck at it. And someone tells you. And it feels awful because this whole time you’ve been doing it wrong and that really hurts. But ultimately, it’s really good because even though it hurts, you now know how to make the character better, which improves the play overall.”

Roman nodded in thought, seeming to take in what Virgil was saying.

“Okay,” he said slowly, “I think I get it, but now explain it with you. Like what’s the character for you and stuff?”

Virgil hesitated and sat up, sitting against the edge of the bed. He picked at the chipped polish on his nails.

“Okay,” he started, “Let’s see. So I’m living my life and honestly- currently not doing that great at it. Sure- I’m making it through and I’m not hurting myself- but I still can’t help but feel my past weigh down my every step these last two months. And not only that, but I also miss- no- feel a connection? Responsibility? To my past to an extent. This makes my life not as good. 

“So Picani- my therapist- pointed that out about a week or so ago. Well, a specific part of it. He helped me realize that I still believe that the members of the cult that kidnapped me cared about me. And that hurt. Because it’s true, I do still think they cared to some degree. Even though I know at the same time that that isn't true. And that really sucks. But the good part is that I can work on that with Picani and my life can ultimately improve. My past will always be there, but I can learn to live with it better.”

Sometime during the speech, Roman had gotten up from his bed and sat down onto Virgil’s. His eyes were wide, peering at Virgil.

“Okay, I have another question, and let me know if I’m asking too much,” Roman said after breaking eye contact.

Virgil nodded for him to continue.

“Why do you think they cared about you? They hurt you.”

Roman said it if it was all so simple. Oh, and how Virgil wished it was truly just that simple.

“Have you ever had a friend, or a boyfriend, who was mean to you, but you stayed with them because their status as friend or boyfriend supposedly meant they cared about you? And even though they didn’t care, they told you they did? And that they were the only one who could love you or care about you?”

“I mean- kinda, not as extreme, yeah, but- oh.”

Virgil just nodded.

“Now imagine that for seven years plus those are the only people that you are around. Your parents, teachers, friends, everyone.”

“Fuck,” Roman muttered, flopping back on the mattress.

Virgil did the same. Roman grabbed his hand and held it. They laid there together, staring at the ceiling, together.

-

November 27, 2019

“Why does Roman get to drive?” Virgil complained when Roman took the seat in front of him.

Said boy turned around to face him, “Because Count Woe-Laf, your legs are the shortest, and mine are the longest. Ergo, I can get the most leg room this way.” Roman then proceeded to move back his chair, ramming into Virgil’s legs.

“Dude, the fuck,” Virgil swore, pulling his legs as tight as they could go to avoid them getting smushed.

“Roman, put your seat back,” Patton chided.

Roman huffed, but pulled it forward. Virgil let his legs stretch out a bit more. This was going to be a long trip.

And long it was. Three hours later and they were almost there, slowly closing in on Patton’s house.

“What are your moms’ names again?” Virgil asked for the fifth time. Patton had just announced they were a few minutes away and he wanted to make sure he got them right.

Roman groaned at the repeated question.

Patton just looked at him again and smile, “Rachel and Bertha.”

Virgil nodded and wrung his hands together. Logan- who was sitting next to him- noticed, and offered the tangle toy he was fiddling with. Virgil took it gratefully. Trixie, from her position in the middle, also nudged his hand and laid her head on his lap. Right. Deep breaths Virgil, you could do this.

“And your siblings names?”

“Dude, he’s said them like a hundred times,” Roman complained from the front, “You know them by now.”

“Well, what if I forgot-”

“Well, what do you think they are?” Roman challenged.

“Blythe, who’s older, Danielle or Dani, who’s younger, and Liam, also younger,” Virgil repeated from memory.

“Yup! Great job kiddo!” Patton said, shooting him a smile.

“See,” Roman pointed out, “You know all their names. Now I get that you're anxious, but your anxiety is making me anxious man.”

“Sorry,” Virgil muttered looking down.

“No,” Roman huffed, “that’s not what I- Ugh whatever. We’re here. Right Patton?”

“Yup!” Patton agreed cheerfully, “Just pull into the driveway.”

Roman did as directed and soon enough all four of them were spilling out of the car. They went around back and grabbed their bags, Virgil also taking Trixie potty and giving her a treat for being so good in the car. His dog really was the best. The four then moved as one mass towards the house. Patton knocked on the old wooden door.

Immediately a cacophony of sounds were heard from the inside. Two voices yelled at the same time they would get the door as a third yelled to slow down. A dog started barking and a faint squaking noise could also be made out. Logan had been smart to bring his headphones, and Virgil mourned for a second that his own were buried in his bag. 

A second later the door opened, revealing a teen with curly hair. He let out a gasp when he saw the group.

“Patton!” he exclaimed before leaping at his older brother for a hug. Patton enthusiastically reciprocated it. As they hugged, an older woman and another teenager came behind them. 

When Patton and the teenager had let go, the older women ushered them all in, giving Patton a quick hug as he passed.

She ushered them all into the living room and got them all seated before introducing herself.

“Hello,” she greeted them. “You must be Patton’s friends. I’ve heard so much about you! I’m one of Patton’s moms, Rachel.”

“Nice to meet you!” Roman said enthusiastically, caught up in the excitement, “I’m Roman.”

“Virgil,” Virgil muttered from Roman’s side.

“And of course, I know you Logan,” Rachel said with a smile at Patton’s boyfriend.

“Hello Rachel, it is nice to see you again.”

“You too sweetheart. Now, where is Bertha? Bertha?” she called out.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” a voice said, before another woman entered the room. She wiped her hands on her apron and joined them. She gave Patton a large hug before taking a seat next to her wife.

“Ah, I see we’ve already started introductions. Well, I’m Bertha.”

“Roman.”

“Virgil.”

“And I’ve met you Logan.”

“And I’m Liam!” the fifteen year-old piped up. 

The other teen then looked up with a scowl.

“Dani,” she said, before turning back to her phone.

“Is that your dog?” Liam then asked, pointing at Trixie and looking up at Virgil.

Virgil looked down at Trixie. She was settled by his feet, and was behaving so well with all the activity around her. She had her eyes trained on Virgil, obviously aware that he was currently in an anxiety provoking situation. She was so good like that.

He also realized in that moment that he hadn’t even asked Patton if he could even bring his dog to his house in the first place.

“Uh yeah- Uh sorry I didn’t even think about asking-” he stuttered.

Trixie pawed at his leg, noting his rising anxiety levels. He took a deep breath and gave her a pet in thanks for the reminder.

“Oh, it’s no worries,” Rachel said with a wave of her hand, “Patton told us she would be coming.”

“She’s so cute!” Liam squealed, “We have a dog too, but we put him outside so he wouldn’t go crazy when all of you showed up. Maybe they could play together. Want me to go get him?”

“Uh well, you can go get him I guess? But Trixie can’t play right now, she’s working.”

“Working?” the boy asked confused, before noticing Trixie's vest, “Oh Trixie’s a service dog? That’s so cool! Well, can I still bring Jonah in? I promise he won’t bug her.” At the end he turned to look more pleadingly at his mothers.

“Virgil, would he bug Trixie? I wouldn’t want to distract her. He’s trained for the most part,” Rachel said. 

“Oh, uh it’s fine?”

“Yes!” Liam said with a shout before dashing off to the other room.

“Well, I have to go finish dinner, and I’m pulling your mom to help. You and your friends should probably try to get your stuff upstairs before Liam gets back or you’ll never escape. It’s good to have you back Patton,” Bertha spoke up once the youngest had disappeared.

“It’s good to see you too Mom,” Patton said with a wide smile. She and Patton’s other mom ducked out of the room, leaving only Dani.

Dani also seemed to realize this, looked at Patton, and sighed before standing.

“Bye,” she called as left the room.

“Love you Dani,” Patton called after her.

She grunted but replied with an “I love you too,” before disappearing.

“Okay, I’ll show you guys were you'll be sleeping. My older sister isn’t home, so that room is open.”

-

November 28, 2019

It was later that night- or early the next morning depending on who you asked- when everyone was asleep that Virgil sat up still wide awake. Unfamiliar places were still hard for him to fall asleep in. He had talked about it with different therapists over the years, never quite coming to an exact conclusion why, but pinning it down as probably some sort of trust and safety thing.

He grew thirsty, so he got up from bed as quietly as possible, and made his way to where he was pretty sure the kitchen was. He found it and rooted around in the cupboards for a glass.

“To your left hun,” a gentle voice said from behind him.

Virgil gasped and spun around, breathing heavily.

“Oh. I’m sorry Virgil, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Bertha said, her hand reaching out as if to comfort the boy, before seemingly thinking better of it and dropping her hand.

“Oh, it’s okay, I’m just jumpy,” he replied as his heartbeat returned to its regular rhythm.

“Mmm,” she said in response as she walked over to join him, “I was like that for a while after leaving my ex. Would you like some tea?”

“Uh, sure?”

She grabbed two mugs from the cabinet and poured water in them.

“I think we’ll just use the microwave tonight, it’s a lot quicker,” she said as she filled the mugs with water.

“Sure,” Virgil said, offering no complaints.

“You know, Patton thinks quite highly of you.”

“Oh, uh, he does?”

That was weird to hear. Sure, Virgil knew that Patton and he were friends, but it was still hard to believe. Patton was just so friendly with everyone that it was hard to consider himself someone special. But, he tried to rationalize, he only ever hung out with a few people regularly. And Virgil was one of those people.

“Yes,” she said, moving to the microwave, “And I can see why.”

“Uh…”

“Come sit,” she gestured to the counter and they both walked over and took their seats. “He talks about you a lot,” she continued, “Really enjoys your company.”

“Oh, well, I guess, I mean, he’s a good friend,” Virgil replied, doing his best to not seem completely awkward and probably failing miserably.

Bertha shot him a look with a raised eyebrow.

“Mhmm,” she agreed, “A good friend.”

She gave him a look. Virgil opted to say nothing.

“You couldn’t sleep?” she asked eventually.

Virgil shook his head. The microwave stopped and let out a beep. Bertha got up to grab the two cups, plopping a tea bag in each before turning back. She returned to the counter and slid one in front of him. Virgil took it gratefully.

“I still can’t sleep sometimes. I just close my eyes and all I can see is her. My ex I mean,” Bertha explained to him.

Virgil fiddled with the tea bag's string.

“But, I’m sure you can understand that.”

Virgil froze.

“What,” he whispered, “Did Patton tell you- What did he tell you?”

“Oh no, no no, Patton didn’t tell me anything. I’m sorry if I overstepped.”

Virgil shot her a look and went back to playing with the string.

“How did you know?” he asked quietly.

She shrugged, “You start to notice the things in yourself in other people. Can I ask, are you alright? I mean, are you safe?”

Virgil nodded, “Yeah, yeah it was a long time ago.”

A look flashed across her face and she pulled back slightly. Her grin dropped and her eyes darkened. She once more reached out as if in comfort. 

“No- it’s not. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t an ex. It was-” Virgil sighed and shrugged, “I’m okay now,” he promised.

“Virgil, sweetheart, that doesn’t make it any better. And it’s okay to not be okay.”

“Thanks,” he muttered, and continued to sip at his tea.

The two sat there in silence for a while longer, both slowly sipping their tea. Bertha finished hers first, and placed her cup in the sink, rinsing it out quickly.

“Well, I’m off to bed. It was nice talking to you Virgil.”

“Yeah uh, you too. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

She left with a wave of her hand and a smile. Virgil couldn’t help but feel a little bit uncomfortable, but at the same time, a little bit safer. He was also starting to feel tired. He should probably sleep soon to. Maybe now it would be possible.

~