#god the way nace will do anything to help jan i can't

[me-sploh-rada-imas]

nace helping jan with his guitar cable in maribor [x]

[anxious-witch]

Inertia 6

Summary: Newton's first law expresses the principle of inertia: the natural behavior of a body is to move in a straight line at constant speed. In the absence of outside influences, a body's motion preserves the status quo.

Jan choose a direction of his life the moment he walked out of his parents house and cut all contact with them. He didn't want anything to do with them, or God anymore. Even his soulmark he wished he could leave behind. But when Nace Jordan joins the band, with a mark matching his own, can Jan keep going the same way he did? Or will the force make him change a direction?

Pairings: Jan Peteh/Nace Jordan

Warnings: Warning for mentions of religions trauma as per usual, but other than that…I think we might not have any other upsetting things here? Shocker, I know

Notes: AO3 link

A couple of things. First of all, this is second to last chapter! Congratulation to everyone who made it this far with me, I cannot believe I actually got this far into this fic. That said, next update might happen on a Sunday rather than a Saturday, due to my uni assignments. I will try my best to make it in time, but y'know, better safe than sorry.

But yeah! Finally, we are getting to some hurt/comfort and some talking! Enjoy it, you've earned it with all the angst

"I'm not too gone to be healed, am I? I'm not too gone am I?"

- Alice Notley, from In The Pines: Poems; "In The Pines,"

Jan slipped back to consciousness slowly. He firstly became aware of how heavy his body felt. Then of how dry his throat was.

He struggled to open his eyes. They were heavier than usual. It reminded Jan of how it felt to fall asleep while crying. Wait…was he crying?

That made his recall the events of the previous night and he jerked upright. Which proved to be a bad idea because he immediately felt his head pound.

"You have water and a pill on the table. I will start making coffee," Kris said, peering from the kitchen.

Every day, Jan was more convinced Kris was an angel. Jan owed him an apology and a hug. Once his head stopped pounding, though.

So he took the pill and drunk the water. Living room was only partially lit up, for which Jan was also grateful. Anything bright certainly wouldn't help.

Kris came back and pressed the warm coffee cup in his hands. His coffee cup. Jan stared at the dark red cup, trying to recall when he started having a cup that was only his in Kris' place.

All the cups in his parents' house were the same. Pure white with a golden circle near the rim. One of them slightly chipped at the rim and Jan used it all the time, until his mother noticed and threw it away.

There was probably something to be said about him liking things that are different, even if they are a little damaged.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," he said, staring at his coffee.

Kris sighed. Out of the corner of his eye, Jan saw him tap his fingers against the couch. His typical nervous gesture.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize things have gotten so bad. I don't-I don't think I ever saw you react the way you did last night. God, Jan, you were terrified and you were paranoid and I-"

Kris took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. For a few seconds he didn't speak at all. Jan would have, but he knew Kris wasn't finished talking. So he stayed quiet, giving Kris time to compose himself.

"I think you need to start seeing a therapist. And you have to talk to Nace. I can be there when you do, but for fuck's sake, Jan. I texted him yesterday after you fell asleep and he wasn't okay."

Jan began picking on his already ruined nail. Kris was right. He knew he was right. But Jan was terrified of this very thing for so long, he wasn't sure he would be able to just face it head on.

"What if I can't?"

He finally met Kris' eyes. His blue eyes that were too clear to hide anything, but always had the ability to burn right through you, to see to the very core of you.

Was it a blue eyes thing? Or did Kris and Jure simply share that trait?

"Yes, you can. You are one of the strongest people I know. But it's not weak to ask for help, Jan. Don't let your parents ruin this for you."

Jan pulled him in a hug. Kris froze, clearly not expecting it, before he melted into the embrace.

"Thank you. For everything."

Kris chuckled, but Jan heard a slight hitch to his breath. Almost like he was tearing up.

"Why do you make it sound like I will never see you again?"

Jan hugged him tighter.

"I should have said it earlier. Although, there is always a plan on moving to Antarctica if everything goes south."

Kris laughed and then he was the one crying. So Jan did the same as Kris did to him last night-he held him. They both felt fragile.

Kris showed emotions more easily than he did, but Jan also thought he never truly let himself experience them to the depth that they really ran. When he cried, he didn't sob, instead letting tears run down his cheek in a manner that seemed almost glorified. Where someone would look at him and still think he was pretty.

Jan preferred to either fall apart fully or not at all.

"You really fucking scared me, you asshole. Don't do that again."

He rubbed Kris' back in slow, comforting motions. His mind was starting to go through possible options, but it was still too clouded with panic for him to come with a solid plan.

"I don't know what to do now," he admitted quietly, "I don't know how to even talk to him. What to tell him."

Kris slowly pulled back, but he still kept his hand on Jan's shoulder.

"Let's go step by step, okay? Go home, eat something. Have a shower. Then call him. Don't text, call him."

Jan made a face. He did hate phone calls with burning passion. They were awkward at the best of circumstances. These were certainly not the best of circumstances.

"I know you hate phone calls. But in these kinds of situations, messages can be easily misread. So call him and set up a time to meet. As for what to tell him...I don't have a better advice than telling him the truth."

Jan buried his face in his hands. The truth? What was the truth at this point? He wasn't even sure he knew himself.

"That's about as helpful as telling me to just breathe underwater."

Kris sighed.

"How about you do the rest first and then look at the situation again? As much as I hate to say it...sometimes you have to jump first and ask questions later."

"Fine," Jan said sourly.

He doubted he'd come up with any better plan just by showering and eating, but he saw no point in arguing. So he hugged Kris one more time and went home. This time with his bag and keys.

He did everything Kris said, but he felt no closer to the solution on how to approach Nace. His phone laid on the table, screen up. Jan stared at it as if it was a time bomb.

Nace didn't try to contact him. Except for few phone calls from yesterday after he ran off, but nothing today. Whatever Kris told him clearly made him wait for Jan's move.

Jan wished he wouldn't. He didn't know what to say.

He grabbed his bag and out his phone in it and then went outside. Perhaps a walk would clear his head.

It was cold and gloomy outside. The fog settled heavy over the city, and Jan only saw few meters ahead as he walked. Still, that didn't stop him.

He walked and walked, until his feet hurt. Then he spotted a nearby bench and sat on it, catching his breath. He still felt lost. He wasn't even sure he knew exactly where he was, as lost in thoughts as he was while he walked.

A sound of church bells snapped him out of it. Jan flinched, looking around with wide eyes. Was he hallucinating again?

But, no. There stood a church, cloaked by the fog. And Jan felt compelled to get closer. So he did.  He got all the way to the church, close to the entrance. Only then he stopped, frozen in place.

He could hear the wait sound of a mass going inside. There was no way he was going inside, but he could listen in. He leaned on the wall of the church and closed his eyes. Just listening.

It was hard to tell how long he stood there, listening in. He was so focused on it he missed the sound of steps approaching him.

"I am sorry, young man?"

Jan's eyes flew open, his heart leaping in his throat. A man stood in front of his, peering at him worriedly. For a brief second, Jan thought he was a priest, but on a second glance he realized he was actually a deacon, his clothes giving him away.

"Um. Right, sorry. I should probably leave," Jan said awkwardly, pushing himself from the wall.

"No, no need. I just thought you might be more comfortable inside. It is quite cold out here."

Jan bit his lip. Dread settled in his gut once again. He didn't think he could make himself go in. Face the inside of the church, the prayer. It was still to raw.

"No, thank you. I don't think I'd be welcome, either way."

"Everyone is welcome into the church."

He couldn't quite stop the sharp, bitter laugh that escaped him.

"Right. Of course. Everyone is welcome as long as they can obey your rules, no?"

Deacon gave him a long, pitying look. Jan felt his skin crawl. If he hated one thing, it was pity. He turned his head away, but before he could walk away, deacon spoke again.

"There are God's guidances, of course, but I wouldn't call them rules. Rules sound so rigid and human life and morality are so easily bent by situations we find ourselves in."

Jan stared at the man before him. He had never, ever heard someone religious, someone connected to the church, speak in such a way. Nace came the closest and even then, it wasn't the same.

"You-so what, "You shall not kill", is simply a guidance?"

Deacon gave him a gentle smile.

"Some are stronger than the others. But in a situation where it is self defense, is that truly a sin? A mother killing someone while protecting her child, is it something that should need forgiving? We are just human, after all."

He swallowed. This felt surreal. Like he was within a dream, and he was talking to his own subconscious.

Whatever it was, the unreality of it made Jan wanted to ask more question. He wanted to know more. He could always walk away, couldn't he?

"So...if almost everything is subjective, how can you know if you are doing a good or a bad thing? How do you...know what's right?"

Deacon patted his own chest.

"Most of us have the ability to feel right or wrong. There are exceptions of course, but there are usually other reasons for it. We all have...inner guidance, so to speak. No matter if you see it as given from God, or simply a part of you, it can help you decide on what's right thing to do."

Jan exhaled slowly, watching his breath curl like smoke in the air. His own chest felt frozen, but as he focused more, he swore he could almost feel a tug. A spot of light.

He needed to go to Nace. To be honest with him. To tell him-

His fear extinguished his hope almost immediately, cloaking him in darkness. Jan squeezed his eyes shut. He was too damaged ti be fixed.

"What if...what if it's too late to do the right thing? What if it's too late to fix me?"

The other man didn't say anything for a moment. The only sound came from a church choir. Jan felt his heart sink.

"It is never too late. Not unless we are dead. And perhaps, not even then."

Jan's hand drifted underneath his hair, to his soulmark. He traced it, almost hesitantly. He did his best to forget it was there for so long, it was odd to acknowledge it.

"I can't be anything other than what I already am."

He opened his eyes to see deacon giving him another soft smile. It was odd, how honest he was being. He supposed the fact that the other man didn't know who he was helped. To him, he could be anyone.

"Have you tried? To be another person?"

Jan furrowed his brows.

"I don't understand."

The deacon nodded.

"We can't become new people overnight. But we can do things that'll help take us in the right direction. Is there anything you can do to fix your mistake right now?"

He took in a deep breath in. Then exhaled slowly.

"I could talk to my soulmate. But I don't know if I can be what he needs."

Jan realized that the right pronouns tumbled from his lips too late. He froze, but the deacon's face didn't change. If he was phased, he didn't show it.

"Well. You can't know unless you talk to him, can you?"

Jan chuckled, almost surprised that he didn't immediately change his answer. What parallel reality did he walk into?

"I suppose not. But won't you tell me that my soulmate can't be a man?"

Deacon shook his head.

"God gives us our soul’s companions for a reason. Who am I to question God's decision of giving you two a soul bond, regardless of the gender?"

He swallowed. There was something else he needed to ask. He always had to keep prodding, didn't he?

"And what if...what if I don't believe in God anymore?"

Deacon reached his hand out and tentatively put his hand on Jan's shoulder. Jan expected to feel uncomfortable, but he wasn't. It was simply a warm touch.

"They are different ways to believe. Some of us need more guidance to get through life. From God, from the church from others. Others simply need to live and be happy. Is it not God's will for all of us to live to our fullest potential, no matter which path we take?"

Jan suddenly found it hard to swallow. His eyes stung and he closed them, willing himself not to cry. He took in a shaky breath.

"Can it really be that simple?"

Deacon squeezed his shoulder gently.

"Life is simple, once we learn to let go of things that weight us down."

Jan took another deep breath before opening his eyes. He met deacon's kind gaze.

"Thank you."

He got a pat on the shoulder before the other man let go.

"We all need a bit of extra guidance sometimes. I wish you your best in your pursuit of happiness."

Jan nodded, a lump in his throat too heavy for him to say anything else. Yet, despite it all, when he turned and began to walk back, he felt lighter than he did in a very, very long time.

He wasn't sure what made him come up directly to Nace's doorstep. He was holding a box of gluten free cookies in hands that he had picked up during his small detour on the way here. Suddenly, he wasn't sure why he had gone to get them at all, but it wasn't important. He was here, at Nace's front door. That was the part that mattered. He could leave the cookies for someone else if Nace didn't want them.

He rang the doorbell before he could change his mind. It echoed through the apartment for a moment, before he heard a sound of footsteps on the other side of the door. Then the door opened.

Nace stood in the doorway. He wore a dark green hoodie and sweatpants, his hair in an unusual disarray. There were dark circles under his eyes and Jan couldn't help but wonder if he slept at all.

"Hi," he said, awkwardly holding up a bag of cookies, "I bought cookies. They are gluten free."

Nace stared at him, unmoving. He opened his mouth and closed it few times before clearing his throat.

"What are you doing here?"

Jan shifted from one foot to the other. It was the moment of truth, he supposed.

"I wanted to talk to you. May I come in?"

There was a brief hesitation before Nace stepped back and allowed Jan to come in. The doors closing with a soft click felt more significant than it should have been.

Jan wordlessly handed Nace the cookies while he took off his boots and a jacket. Nace simply watched him, as if trying to comprehend Jan was really here. He supposed he deserved that.

Nace led him to the dining room instead of the living room. Which was odd, but Jan didn't question it. He got them both glasses of water before sitting across from Jan.

Oh. He choose this because he could face him more directly. Jan let his hair fall over his face a bit, suddenly uncomfortable under Nace's heavy gaze.

"So," Jan said awkwardly, "about yesterday. I'm sorry."

A paused. Nace stared at him, as if prompting him to continue, but Jan didn't know where to begin with explaining himself.

"Is that it? You came here to tell me you are sorry for running off?"

Jan winced. Nace's usual patience seemed to not be present today. Just when Jan needed it the most.

"No. I just-maybe it would be easier if you asked me things and I answered? I don't know where to begin."

Nace chuckled, but not in his usual, heartfelt way. He sounded tired.

"Alright. How about, why the fuck didn't you tell me? You had to know."

Jan shrugged. He felt uncomfortable in a way he didn't in awhile. So he answered the first thing he thought of. His go to answer on the topic.

"Didn't seem that important to me. I don't exactly believe in all that soulmate stuff anyway."

That was clearly the wrong thing to say. Nace's gaze sharpened. His mouth twisted in an angry grimace.

"So what? I am good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be your soulmate?"

"No!"

Jan reached out, to grab Nace's hand, but stopped himself just short of making contact. He let his hand fall back to the table.

"No," he said softer, "that's not how it is at all."

"Then explain to me how it is."

Nace's voice was almost forceful, slamming into Jan's chest like a punch. Jan closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on that little shed of hope he still held.

"I lied. I don't see soulmates as bullshit I just-I wish I did. I wish I could not care at all and that I could hate you and that by refusing you by refusing this make my parents be wrong."

He took in a shaky breath. Nace didn't say anything so he continued.

"Because feeling like I was incomplete without you, without some divine intervention seems so fucked up to me. Because I choose to play in a band because my parents didn't approve and didn't like that it took away from my time in the church. And yet that being a thing that led me to you is so frustrating! Did I have any free will at all?"

Jan finally opened his eyes again, taking in Nace's expression. Nace was pale, and his brows furrowed, probably trying to follow his thought process.

"Alright. So let me see if I got this right. Your parents had harmful religious views on soulmates so you don't want to even consider this, us, because you feel like you had no choice in the matter?"

That wasn't quite a fair assessment of what he said, but Nace wasn't entirely wrong, either. As much as Jan wanted to fix things, it was hard to get past the feeling of helplessness.

"I'm-not quite but I suppose that's a gist of it. I don't have anything against you, not really. But I hate not having a choice in any of this."

Nace lifted one eyebrow.

"You mean, like not giving me any real choice in the matter by not telling me a very important detail?"

Fuck. That wasn't fair.

"That's not the same."

Nace shrugged.

"Isn't it?"

Jan struggled with what to say to that. Isn't it the same? Was he truly taking away his choice in all of this?

"Let me ask you something. Did you find me attractive when we first met? Ignore the soulmark, ignore everything else."

He swallowed, blush slightly painting his cheeks as he remembered Martin's comment about him checking out Nace during their first encounter. He definitely found him attractive from the start.

"Yes."

"And if there was no soulmark involved, would you have acted upon it at some point?"

His answer came in an instant. Absolutely. Jan was certain of it. He still would have taken some time to observe Nace, but without having to be cautious of the soulmark, he would have certainly acted earlier.

"Yes."

Nace leaned in, his breath ghosting over his face and Jan had the urge to pull him even closer. Instead, he was frozen in place, staring at those dark eyes.

"So by insisting on hating me, you are, in fact flat out refusing for anything to happened between us because of the soulmark. Not because you don't like me. How is that a natural choice on your part?"

Jan could hear his own blood ringing in his ears. Felt his heartbeat. Thud, thud, thud. It sounded like everything around him crashing down.

"I-" he swallowed, then cleared his throat, but no words came.

Nace waited patiently, simply looking at him. Like he didn't just pull the foundations of his world apart with few sentences.

"God, Nace," he said at last, "What do you want?"

"I want you to stop hiding behind the excuse of having no control and work with me. I can't help you unless you let me. So please do tell me what is your actual problem with me."

Jan worked his jaw. He focused on his nails. He reapplied the nail polish on his left hand yesterday, so it was perfect. Too perfect. He began to peel it off.

Then Nace reached out and covered his palms with his own, stopping his movements. Jan froze.

"Tell me," Nace urged, his softer now.

That finally made Jan snap.

"I can't give you what you want, alright? There was no point in giving you false hope about it."

Silence. Nace's mouth slightly fell open before he managed to scold his face into a more neutral expression. Jan felt more uncomfortable than he possible ever did in his life.

That thought kept bothering him on his way to here, though. Even if he was willing to do this, he could never do it in a way traditional to soulmates. He simply couldn't.

"And what is that you think that I want?"

Nace's voice was leveled. Controlled. Almost too controlled. He was definitely holding his emotions back. Jan just couldn't quite tell what those emotions were, at the moment.

Still. He owed him the truth, at the very least.

"You are a simple man. You want to settle down, have your secure little fairy tale with someone you love. Maybe even a family. I can't give you that."

So many emotions flickered over Nace's face. Disbelief, anger, hurt. Jan looked away.

"Did I ever say that's what I want?"

Jan sighed. He tried to pull his hands away from Nace's, but Nace tightened his hold on them.

"No. But I overheard you and Bojan talking about soulmates several times."

"Hypotheticals are different than the actual situations."

Jan rolled his eyes. He completely turned his head away this time. Clearly, this conversation wasn't leading anywhere.

Nace grabbed his chin. Jan froze, expecting it to hurt, for Nace to forcefully drag him into a kiss. Instead, Nace gently turned his head back towards him.

"Listen to me. I am only asking for a chance to get to know you. For you to get to know me, before you make any judgments."

His eyes shone with determination and now Jan couldn't look away.

"You fascinate me and you frustrate me and I want to know what you think and how you think. I want to get to know you properly. Can you at least give me a chance for that? No promises need to be made, just that we'll try. See where it goes. Maybe we work better as friends. That's also fine. But we won't know unless you give it a chance. Does that sound reasonable?"

Jan nodded slowly. He breathe through the panic rising in his chest. Somewhere, deep inside him, he knew that whatever this will involve into, won't be just friendship. But it was far too early to say that.

"Yeah, alright."

And Nace smiled, like a light shining at the end of a dark street. It was soft, almost hesitant smile.

"Alright."

It was a start.

[anxious-witch]

sorry I don't have enough imagination to come up with a prompt or something, but I'd love to see something with poly!JO :3 (maybe the guys taking care of Nace somehow idk)

Anon, sorry for the wait, this turned out much longer than I initially planned, but here it is. I hope you like it!

TW for vomitting and general sickness descriptions

Nace woke up with a blinding headache, which was never a good way to wake up. Even when all his boyfriends were still there to cuddle him. So he snoozed his alarm and decided he could skip his morning workout this once. It was unlikely he's be very productive with a headache anyway.

Bojan mumbled something in his dream and snuggled closer. Nace smiled and drifted off again.

Second time he woke up, it was by Kris' gently shaking.

"Nacko, wake up. You slept in, we gotta-"

But didn't hear the rest of his sentence, because he was hit by a sudden wave of nausea. He jumped out of the bed and ran towards the bathroom, leaving a bewildered Kris behind. 

He made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up in the toilet. It was disgusting and his head was spinning so bad, it was a miracle he managed to run to here in the first place.

"Fuck," he heard Kris curse from the doorway, "I'll go wake the others."

Nace tried to shake his head. It had to still be early if only Kris was awake. He could handle it.

"Let them sleep." he said, immediately winching at how hoarse his voice sounded.

"Don't be ridiculous. You are sick. They'd all want to help."

Kris left before Nace could protest again. Which was probably for the best, considering the fact that he managed to throw up again. He knew how easily Kris got grossed out over these things.

So he waited, willing for his stomach to calm down and stop cramping so bad. Or for his head to stop spinning.

He must have nodded off again, because he jolted when a cold hand gently touched his forehead.

"Shhh, it's just me Nacko. Relax."

Jan's voice was deeper than usual, likely due to him just waking up. But he wasn't usually cold. If anything among the five of them, it was Jan and Jure who always ran hot.

"You are burning up, love."

"Great."

Jan chuckled at his deadpan tone. He grabbed his phone and quickly typed something out.

"Alright, Bojan will go run to the pharmacy to get you something for the temperature. Let's get you cleaned up a bit, yeah? And put some more clothes on you. You are shivering."

Nace was too tired to protest. He doubted he could stand for long enough on his own to do it himself. And God knew Jan was too stubborn to fight, especially when he was worried as he was now.

So Nace let him help him brush his teeth and put on a shirt and sweatpants. It immediately made him feel a bit more human.

"Where are Kris and Jure?"

"Making breakfast, I believe. Kris is also googling which tea is best for a stomach bug. But I digress."

Nace tried not to laugh.

"So you just wanted to give Bojan a reason to not be in the kitchen with them?"

Jan shrugged, unapologetic.

"I prefer him not burning down the apartment while trying to help. Or Kris strangling him before he could. One crisis at the time."

This time, Nace did laugh. He leaned on the sink to not fall down as he doubled over while laughing.

"We both know Bojan wouldn't mind other option."

Then they were both laughing and for a moment Nace felt completely fine. And the the world started spinning again, and his legs became very unstable.

"Shit, shit, shit. Kris!"

Jan's arms were wrapped around him and he gently lowered him to the floor, instead of Nace plummeting as he would if he were alone.

"Can't I fucking leave for five minutes?!"

Then there wasn't one, but two pair of arms pulling him up. Black spots slowly stopped dancing in his vision and he looked up to a very worried faces of his boyfriends.

"This is karma for making fun of Bojan's choking kink, isn't it?"

Jan chuckled and Kris rolled his eyes. Still. Nace could see their relief.

"How about we get you back to bed? Which was the plan, that Jan seems to have forgotten," Kris said, shooting Jan a glare.

"He started making fun of Bojan. Would you have interrupted him?"

Kris pursed his lips and wordlessly offered for Nace to lean on him on his right side, while Jan took his left. Nace felt a bit ridiculous.

"I can probably make it to bed on my own, you know?"

"Right. Let's not risk that, yeah? Kris will kill me if you crack your head on the floor."

"He is absolutely right on that one."

Nace sighed, but leaned on them. They slowly made their way back to the bedroom and helped him climb on the bed. Kris retrieved a bucket, in case Nace got sick again before saying he'd go check on Jure's progress with breakfast.

Nace didn't have the heart to tell him that eating was probably the last thing he wanted to do right now. Jan snuggled next to him when Kris left.

The front doors opened with a loud bang that rattled Nace to the bone.

"I got socially acceptable drugs!" Bojan yelled from the hallway.

Jan sighed. Nace chuckled. There went a bit of peace they had. Bojan came strolling in the bedroom with a bag with...whatever pills he bought. Nace didn't really care as long as it would make him feel better.

Bojan dropped the bag on the bedside drawer and leaned over the bed to check Nace's forehead. He immediately winced in sympathy.

"Let me get you some water to take that pill."

He practically ran to get it, coming back in record time. He held out a pill and a glass of water for Nace to drink from and kissed his cheek when he did.

"Don't do that. You'll get sick too," Nace mumbled, trying not to blush.

"And Jan won't by cuddling you?"

Nace blinked. Right, That was true.

"You are right. Jan, you shouldn't be this close, either."

Jan only grumbled and snuggled closer. Nace had a feeling he was already half asleep again. It was way too early to be awake by his standards. He didn't think of a different solution before Kris and Jure arrived with breakfast and tea.

"Jure made some toast and hard boiled eggs. It says it's least likely to make you sick. And some mint tea, to take your medicine with."

Then Kris took in Bojan holding the packaging and glass of water. His eyes narrowed.

"Tell me you didn't just give him medicine on an empty stomach."

Bojan looked at him sheepishly.

"Um. May have. Done that."

Kris opened his mouth to retort, but Jure pushed past him. He put the plate on the bedside drawer before leaning in to kiss Nace's forehead.

"How are you Nace?"

Nace smiled, his gaze taking all four of them in. All awake-more or less-and helping in any way they could to make him feel better.

"I am better now."

Despite all their bickering and the fact that he was sick, he knew they'd take care of him. And really, how could he be anything but better in those circumstances?

"Much better when you are all here, now."

[anxious-witch]

Inertia 4

Summary: Newton's first law expresses the principle of inertia: the natural behavior of a body is to move in a straight line at constant speed. In the absence of outside influences, a body's motion preserves the status quo.

Jan choose a direction of his life the moment he walked out of his parents house and cut all contact with them. He didn't want anything to do with them, or God anymore. Even his soulmark he wished he could leave behind. But when Nace Jordan joins the band, with a mark matching his own, can Jan keep going the same way he did? Or will the force make him change a direction?

Pairings: Jan Peteh/Nace Jordan

Warnings: TW for a character taking sleeping pills and slight descriptions of dissociation, character implied to have an eating disorder, mentions of Nace's pictures of before he lost weight, mentions of past abusive parents

If I forgot something please feel free to let me know

Notes: AO3 link

Alright, so. Jan is being gently nudged in the right direction here, but not quite ready to take a leap yet. Also we get a glimpse of some of Nace's own insecurities, so if you have any triggers regarding eating disorders, I recommend checking additional warnings

God said:

GOD MADE YOU. GOD DOES NOT CARE IF YOU ARE "GUILTY" OR NOT.

I said:

I CARE IF I AM GUILTY!

I CARE IF I AM GUILTY!

God was silent.

Everything was SILENT.

I lay back down in the snow.

Frank Bidart, Half-light: Collected Poems 1965-2016

There was a low music playing from the speakers. It sounded vaguely familiar, but Jan was too tired to listen closely enough to identify from where. For once, he was the one that arrived early. Warm cup of coffee warmed his hands from a cold November weather, as he waited for Matej.

It all felt surreal. Jan cheated slightly the previous day and took a sleeping pill. He didn't take them often, partially due to the fact he didn't want to have to rely on them to sleep every night and partially because they made him feel drowsy the next day.

Like it did now. He felt like he was still dreaming, moving through molasses to get anywhere in a dream. He blinked and suddenly, his brother was sitting across from him.

"Hey," he greeted quietly, trying to stifle a yawn.

"Hey."

They sat in silence until Matej ordered coffee. He sighed when the waiter left. Jan traced the handle of his cup with his finger. His nail polish chipped slightly on the thumb. He really needed to fix that.

"Jan...please talk to me? I can't just give you contact information for something like this without knowing anything."

Jan felt very slow today. Not in the same way as he did when he was sleep deprived, no. He wasn't annoyed or irritable, more like...he was under a thick blanket that was see through. He could see the world behind it, but it felt far away.

"Why not?"

"Because you are asking me to help you arrange a very dangerous procedure! Do you even know what this could do to you if anything goes even a bit wrong?!"

He looked up, meeting his brother's furious eyes and felt nothing at all. The pain felt glazed over now. Buried under a thick blanket of indifference.

Matej's eyes scanned over his face and then his anger melted into worry.

"Jan...have you been taking sleeping pills again?"

Jan rubbed at his eyes. They just refused to stay open for long, despite the coffee. Matej knew his habits, both good and bad. Some things didn’t change, despite his best efforts.

"Only yesterday, after we talked. I didn't sleep very well in...well. Weeks. Otherwise I wouldn't have taken them."

Matej went silent. Jan could see him mulling things over. Considering him.

"And you not sleeping...is it because of the soulmate guy?"

He started peeling off the nail polish from his thumb more. He didn't want to talk about Nace.

"Kind of. Not really solely his fault, but he isn't making it better, either."

Matej reached out and grasp his hands, putting a stop to his nervous tic. Jan looked up again. Matej always made him feel small, in one way or another.

Not because of their actual sizes, but because he always held such a mature presence Jan could only hope to imitate to a degree. He could never quite measure up.

"Does he...is he hurting you in any way? Is he treating you badly? Tell me what's going on."

Jan stared at him in confusion then began shaking his head.

"It's not-it's not about him. I mean, it kind of is but-" he took a deep breath, trying to arrange his thoughts in a way that made sense, "I don't want the cursed soul bond. I never did. You know that."

Matej pursed his lips. He always did it when he was unhappy with something Jan did. Like that time he attempted to climb a three at age five and fell off, breaking his arm.

"I know that you said that to mom and dad, but I didn't think you were serious! This isn't a religious thing Jan, for fuck's sake! I can understand rebelling against everything else they said but this-this is insane!"

Jan pulled his hands from Matej's grasp and crossed them over his chest. His hair was up today, and the slight breeze caressed his burning soulmark.

"That's not your decision to make. I am not a child."

"Then don't act like one!"

In that moment, everything stopped. Jan felt like he stopped breathing even.

"When you stop acting like a child, we'll stop treating you like one. Why can't you be more like your brother and sister?"

Jan felt very, very cold all of a sudden. Like the chill overtook him from inside out. Matej's words echoed in tandem with his father's.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Just-please think this through. Give it six months. If you still want to do it after, I'll give you the contact you need."

"Six months? Are you insane?"

He scowled? Six months? It had barely been a month since Nace joined them and it had already been torture. He had to endure it for six more months? No.

Matej didn't shrink under his sharp gaze.

"It's half a year. I am not letting you ruin your life because you were sleep deprived. You can think it through properly. And besides, if you win-and I do think you will-you will have Eurovision to go to anyway."

Jan had an urge to scream, to yell at him. That it wasn't fair and that he was prolonging his misery the same way mom and dad did. But he was scared if he said that, Matej might withdraw the offer completely.

"Fine. But you will give me the contact of the doctor who does it if I still want this in six months?"

Matej's jaw was clenched, but he didn't look away.

"Yes."

He took his coffee and drain it in two gulps. Matej really hated when he did that. Then he put the money on the table and got up.

"Right. Thanks, for that I guess. See you around."

Matej's hand shot out and he grabbed his wrist before Jan could escape. He looked like he was bracing himself for something.

"I love you, you know that, right? I don't think I say it enough. I know we aren't that close and that mom and dad only made it worse but...you are my brother and I love you no matter what. Alright?"

There was a lump in Jan's throat. He tried to swallow past it but he just couldn't.

"I-“ he paused, those two following words stuck in his throat, choking him, “you too."

Why couldn't he say it? If Matej got out of that house and learned how to say it, why couldn't Jan?

Matej smiled at him and squeezed his wrist gently before letting go.

"Alright then. Go make some trouble. But also get some sleep, please."

Jan nodded numbly before he turned and finally left. He drove on autopilot and only halfway through realized he wasn't driving to his apartment. He drove to Kris'.

He sat in the car for awhile, simply parked in front of it. There was no way he'll tell Kris about getting rid of the soulmark. But maybe...he could still talk to him?

He did his best to go up two flights if stairs without overthinking it and turning right back around. He and Kris knew each other for years. Kris was there to pick up the pieces after Jan cut contact with his family. He wouldn't turn him away over him being irritable.

Jan rang the doorbell and waited. He thought he heard two voices before the doors opened, and once they did, his suspicion was confirmed. Both Kris and Bojan stood at the door.

"Jan?"

Shit. This was a bad decision.

"Um. Sorry, I didn't realize you'd be busy. I'll just go."

"Don't be ridiculous. You drove all the way to here, come in."

But the cold was still wrapped around him like a cloak. With his hair up, he felt too exposed to risk anyone but Kris’ company. Conversation with Matej left him raw and vulnerable. He didn’t want to risk anyone else seeing that. Even if it was just Bojan.

He shook his head sadly and watched as Bojan’s face fell and Kris grew worried.

“Sorry. We can-I’ll talk to you guys soon, yeah?

He stepped back, putting more distance between them. Alone was safer. And while Jan knew he couldn’t solve his issues alone, he wasn’t ready to ask for help. Not just zet.

At first, Jan went right back to ignoring Nace as much as he could. Interacted with him only in a group and never directly unless he asked him a question.

Then, slowly, something started to shift. His brother's words chipped on him. Not that he was really going to give Nace a chance. That thought made all the alarm sounds in his head blare at maximum volume.

But he was going to cut the connection between them in a few months anyway. So surely, there was no harm in letting him get just a bit closer. Talking to him on occasion, for a start.

The first time it happened, it was just an ordinary Tuesday. They had a break during practice and Bojan had helpfully supplied them with chips, cookies and some other snacks Jan didn't care enough to check. He preferred salty snacks anyway.

Jan got to the table last, but instead of taking his usual position next to Jure, he sat next to Nace, at the end of the table. He saw Nace's eyes go wide for a second and he went very, very still.

Instead of addressing it and making everything feel more awkward, he nudged him.

"Can you pass me that chips?"

Nace stared at him for a moment, as if not comprehending his request.

"Sure."

"Not the tasteless salty ones! The paprika ones!"

Nace chuckled and handed him the correct bowl this time. Jan took a handful and stuffed his mouth. He saw Kris roll his eyes as he delicately took one chips at the time.

What a diva.

What he also noticed was that Nace didn't take any. He furrowed his brows, trying to remember if chips had gluten in them or not.

"Do chips have gluten?" He asked, after swallowing the chips.

The last thing he wanted was for Kris to snap at him to not talk with his mouth full. Nace once again, looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Some do, but not very often, I don't think."

"So why aren't you taking any?"

Nace chewed on his lip. Now he was the one avoiding Jan's gaze.

"Don't like them."

Oh, bullshit. Jan could see the way Nace eyed the chips before turning away. Was this some sort of diet thing? Or just Nace eating healthy in general?

"What about the rest? I am sure Bojan got some gluten free cookies too, he is usually careful-"

"I really don't want to eat anything right now," Nace snapped.

Well, alright then. He clearly struck a nerve there. Nace pursed his lips, and Jan saw the cogs in his brain turning.

For once, it wasn't Jan who was a rude one.

"Why are you suddenly talking to me, anyway?"

Jan raised his eyebrow and gave Nace a little smirk.

"What? I can't change my mind and want to befriend a bandmate?"

Nace eyed him suspiciously, but then Kris asked him a question and their conversation essentially ended.

It made Jan begin to pay more attention, though. How Nace was very careful about what he ate, and not just about gluten related things. How he was the only one that could keep up with Bojan's talk about going to the gym.

He might have went on a deep dive himself and found old pictures of Nace. Of when he was fat. Jan felt like he swallowed stones. This was something he deleted for a reason and Jan still went looking for it.

He closed all the tabs and leaned back in his chair, trying not to feel guilty.

For fuck's sake, he couldn't stand the man! And it wasn't like he didn't just dig around publicly available information!

Except, it felt icky. It wasn't that Nace looked bad before just-he clearly didn't want anyone else to see that. Was it also why he was so careful about what he ate?

Goddamn. Was this why he found Jan attractive in the first place? Because his self esteem was still so low he was content with someone being an asshole as long as they found him attractive?

Jan groaned and rubbed at his eyes. This wasn't healthy. He should just drop it. Get to know Nace like a normal person.

The issue was that he was never good at dropping the issue. Once he began digging, he needed to know. Most people would get frustrated when they couldn't solve an equation.

Jan, though? That only made him want to solve it more.

It was similar with people, although it didn't happen nearly as often. Jan usually wasn't very fond of people. The last time he research someone thoroughly was Kris.

Which was something Jan would never, in a million years admit to him. But sometimes, Jan simply wanted to rearrange something to see how it worked.

He wanted to rearrange Nace and understand what made him tick.

Matej did say to give him a chance. So, Jan would. Research was part of giving him a chance. He couldn't exactly give him a chance without finding stuff about him first though, could he?

So, he sent a simple text to Jure.

Me: Do you want to come over tomorrow after practice? I have sweets. And a cat

Jure: Why does it feel like I am getting bribed? 😸

Me: Is that a no?

He waited impatiently as Jure typed, drumming his fingers against his knee.

Jure: Obviously it's a yes. I am just wondering what I need to do to get those 😹

Nothing much. Just give him all the information he had on Nace. That wasn't asking too much, was it?

Me: I just have some questions about Nace. Nothing major

His message stayed on seen for an awfully long time. Jan started to think Jure would say no. But then finally, a message came forward.

Jure: Alright.

Jan put the phone down with a satisfied grin. Usually, finding enough stuff about things would get him to stop obsessing over it. Once he learned all he could, he could move on.

Which was how he ended up with Jure on his couch, chewing on the chocolate cookies he liked. Even Igor decided to cooperate for once and was contently purring while curled in Jure's lap.

"So," Jure said after swallowing the last bite, "what exactly did you want to ask me about Nace? I wasn't even aware you guys were close."

Jan had to play this carefully. Jure could be very perceptive if he put his mind to it. Thankfully for him, he often wasn't, his attention easily shifting from one thing to another. So as long as Jan kept him preoccupied with something else...it should be fine.

"We aren't. I just...felt bad about ignoring him. But I don't really know how to go around talking to him, so I figured it would be easier to already know things about him so I know which topics to go for and which to avoid."

Jure hummed thoughtfully, taking another cookie. Igor meow loudly, annoyed at sudden the lack of attention. He settled as Jure began petting him again.

"I'd avoid religion and food, for one. The two of you will definitely not have a fun time talking about that. You can ask him about his dog, Ollie, he loves talking about him. Music is also obvious answer. Oh! He also mentioned he is considering doing some pottery classes? Something about his sister taking them and him wanting to try? You can ask him about that."

He didn't notice the way Jan froze with a cup of tea halfway to his mouth. Religion? Food, he guessed why was a sensitive topic. But he found nothing about religious aspect from his research.

"Religion? I wasn't aware he was religious."

Jure dangled a piece of cloth in front of Igor, making him reach out and attempt to catch it with his pawns. Jan discreetly took a sip of his tea.

"Well, perhaps religious is generous. I don't think he goes to church, but he is...what's the word? Spiritual? He definitely believes in God."

Of course. Of course, Jan's cursed soulmate had to believe in God. Destiny had always been a noose tied around his neck. Why would it stop now?

"I see."

Jure huffed and gently put Igor to the ground.

"Don't be like that. Nace is really nice, okay? And he doesn't push his beliefs on others."

Jan did his best nit to roll his eyes. Maybe he didn't push it towards just anyone, but that didn't mean he wouldn't do it if he ever found out about their connection. Not that he could tell Jure that.

Igor hopped over to his lap, clearly annoyed by Jure's contact movement. Jan scratched him behind the ear, earning himself a satisfied purr.

"Noted,” Jan paused, considering a most neutral topic, “Anyway, anything new with you?”

Jure's eyes lit up, and even before he spoke, Jan knew he was going to mention his soulmate. Their connection was by far the strangest one Jan had witnessed.

He met her, of course. Nika often showed up to their concerts. She was a small redhead with bright blue eyes and a smile that matched Jure's sunshine energy.

When they were together, it was like seeing the purest connection. They had the ability to communicate without saying a word, but that wasn’t even the most fascinating part.

It was like they moved differently when they were around each other. Like magnets, pushing and pulling against an invisible field only the two of them could feel.

It scared Jan half to death when he thought about it for too long. Not being himself when he was around someone else to a point even the way he carried himself changed.

"Oh, I met up with Nika recently. She is doing good. A bit overwhelmed with all the exams at uni, but yeah. She is smart, she'll do great."

Ah, yes. University. Jan hadn't been to his in ages. Technically, he had an exemption and could just show up for exams in February, but still. That was something he should consider doing after things calm down a bit.

"That sounds good," Jan hesitated, biting his lip, "Actually, can I ask you something?"

Jure lazily stretched. Like a cat, without a care on the world. Jan's stomach was turning.

"Yeah, shoot."

"Do you ever wish she wasn't your soulmate?"

Jure opened his eyes abruptly, staring at him in shock. Jan winced at the way he blurted it out.

"I mean...do you ever wish she was just a friend and your soulmate was someone else? Or that you were like Kris and didn't have to worry about it at all?"

Jan turned his attention to Igor, suddenly very interested in the black and white patterns on his fur. He waited for Jure's answer patiently.

"I wouldn't say Kris doesn't worry about that at all. But to answer your question, no. Nika is special to me. She will always be special and there is probably no other person in the world that will understand me as much as she does. But that doesn't stop me from loving other people romantically."

Jure was fidgeting with his hands, as if searching for the right words to explain himself.

"I know our connection isn't conventional, but I don't need it to be, y'know? And I think that, in most cases our soulmates are exactly the people we need to help us grow."

He met Jan's eyes suddenly, blue eyes pinning him in place. Jan flayed open, as if Jure could see right into his soul, or what was left of it.

"You don't usually ask personal questions. You like that neither of us talk about our families or soulmates much. Something is different."

Jan swallowed. He opened his mouth and closed it several times, but no words came out. Then, finally:

"Can you ignore it? The connection, I mean. Can you...carry on, as if there is nothing."

Jure sighed.

"This is not a hypothetical discussion, is it?"

Jan went very, very still. Was he truly that obvious? How could have Jure even began to figure it out?

"Can we pretend it is?"

Jure stared at him silently for a moment. Then he popped another cookie and he chewed it almost aggressively while glaring at the wall.

"In short, no. I don't think you can ignore it. Maybe if you have an incredible amount of self control, which you do not by the way, then yeah, maybe. But I don't think it's healthy. Especially not when you are around them all the time."

Jure stood up suddenly and Igor, spooked by the sudden movement, jumped out of Jan's lap and hid behind the couch. Jan slowly rose from his seat, too.

"I appreciate the cookies and Igor. But if you'll excuse me, I will now go on a walk and try and forget we had this conversation. For the record, though, as much as I love you I think you are being incredibly unfair."

Jan flinched at that. That stung, especially from Jure. Jure was mostly carefree and rarely judged anyone. So for him to throw something like this in his face was unusual to say the least.

He walked to the hallway and began putting on his shoes. Jan walked after him, his heart heavy.

"I thought at least you'd understand," Jan said desperately, trying to get him to understand his side, "With the dynamic you and Nika have..."

"We talked about it. Multiple times over the years. You don't-you can't build anything by keeping it to yourself."

Jure rubbed his hand over his face. Then he grabbed his coat. He hesitated at the door, though.

"I won't tell Nace, but I think you should. There is a lot more to him than you think."

"Like what?"

Jure stared back, his eyes narrowing.

"That's something you'll need to find out for yourself. Until then, I'd prefer to pretend we didn't have this conversation."

Before Jan could even begin to think on how to respond to that, Jure was out of the door and rushed down the flight of stairs. Jan stared at the empty space that he occupied only moments before for a moment and then gently closed the door.

Something about the manner Jure spoke rattled him much more than any of the other interactions. Kris, Matej,...they all had reasons to oppose him. Kris, because he wanted what Jan had, Matej, because he was afraid of Jan regretting his choices.

But Jure? Other than having sympathy for Nace's position as a newest addition to the band, what reason did he have to oppose him?

Was there something more he was missing? Or was he truly in the wrong here?

As he thought about it, he went to run his hand through his hair and he froze. His hair was still up in a bun from earlier. And with the way Jure was sitting, he’d have a good view of his soulmark from the side. Since Nace’ was always on display, and with Jan’s unsubtle question, it wouldn’t take Jure much to come to the right realization. Fuck.

Jan flopped down on the couch and buried his face in it. He'd consider talking to Nace. Tomorrow.