#god sometimes i rmbr the things my family says to me and i just... i dont even know what i want to do

[seasidepickup]

it’s october 24, 2020, i’m scheduling this to post in 2023, when i turn 20, see i don’t know if i’ll even be alive til then but if i am i think it’ll be nice to know i was thinking of me/you even now, how have the first few hours treated you so far? i hope it’s better than stupid i think you have a lot ahead of you and i really hope i’ll see this again someday, it’ll be a sign i think, anyway happy birthday

- (17 year old) Amal *****

checking in on july 31st, 2021

this year has been a little rough quite a few scandals but topped off by a girl i think i love so much that i can barely rmbr what the problems were abt not too long ago. it’s still hard ofc but we’re learning how to cope and deal w that ! you have a job now!!! i’m so proud that you did it, i think i’m gna leave it soon tho but that’s ok bc i’m trying to welcome change, maybe a little too much, things are looking up tho in the places i can control and ik it’s gonna get better from here so i’m excited for you. have u moved out future future amal? how are you and ***? it’s really good right now even tho we’re both struggling individually. havent said we love each other yet tho even tho i think we both do…. i hope all is well or that you’re taking it all well at least, hope to see you soon- (18 and 5 months old) Amal *****

March 15, 2022

I turned 19 not too long ago, and the birthday was good but so so lonely. i think that’s a problem within me, not based on who’s around me. Anyway, my first day of work at starbucks is tomorrow and i’m really excited, it’s gonna be pushing me, given that most of my shifts are hella early but ik it’s gonna be good for me and i have a feeling i’m gonna be there for a long time. I’m still in a relationship but i’ve been struggling mentally for awhile (nothing new) I hope i can figure something out soon, it’s different being depressed when you’re with someone, cuz it’s not just you who’s effected and u can really see how you’re feeling reflected back in how you treat people and how hard the simplest things turn out to be. I just want to be better and ik there’s layers to all this but i don’t want to be like this with her. I grew a lot last year, i’ll miss being 18 it was a really good time and i changed in ways i never thought i needed. But i also have a really good feeling about this year. I’m trying to be more practical, i’m also realizing how much i care abt my family and the traditional things that i can’t have with my untraditional identity, and that’s a doozy (ew lmao). I’m just trying to keep up, it’s hardest to keep up with myself tho. See you soon xx

May 28, 2023

I’ve been procrastinating this post, i haven’t really known what to say because so much has happened, and there’s so much that i don’t want to think about from the last few months. it’s a bit overwhelming, all the change. i’m an actual adult now, i have an internship, i’m in college, i’ve moved on from my last relationship and i’ve learned who i am outside of it. it’s bittersweet. letting that person go, and who i was with them, but it’s good. i needed all of that and i would never change it. i’m handing things better, but it’s scary of course. i’m in a place i never thought i would be when i started this thread. i have so much drive and passion again, self-respect and love too. i have plans but i’m learning that my mom was right, you can plan and plan but the universe (or god lol) might have something else in store for you, i’m welcoming all of that, albeit begrudgingly. but yea. i liked being a kid, i’m reverting to the things that brought me simple joy, like accessories and silly pens, my family and best friend, crushes, etc. i’m letting myself enjoy all the things i denied for so long. i’m learning no matter how much you have to say, sometimes you’re the only person who needs to hear it, take that as you will. but anyway, being 20… i didn’t think i’d live this long a few years ago, but i’m here now, i know i would be proud had i known where id end up. and deep down that 17/18/19 year old me is coming out to let me know that. in the little things that i do, in the ways i’ve surpassed myself and grown, they know what im doing, and what’s ahead of me, and how much better it’s gotten. i hope it’s only up from here. but i do know that the highs and lows are ok too, you can’t have highs without having lows and whatnot. i have a lot of healing and growing ahead of me, and i welcome that, because it’s got me this far, i have hope, faith, and trust in myself and the future, something that i didn’t allow myself to indulge in for so long, i hope more surprises are in my future, i know that the plans and beliefs d set in stone a few years ago are ever changing, and that’s ok, it’s not a betrayal to my old self. it’s just me looking out for me. and being mature enough to learn and understand my growth includes something different than what i wanted or believed when i was 17

- Amal :)

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

[lovelovex]

no x posts no announcements, kind rude p don’t you think cutting such a big amount of people who CARE about you guys is too much??? it is hard to keep up with all your updates via fucking RUMORS of all things for fucks sake

oh we’re right off w the accusations ok ok ok sometimes i hate being the spokesperson, P the diplomat, but here we go

i’m gonna use this post for the whole rant bc it’s all p much the same in my inbox:

if ‘rumors’ have been your only source of information for the past i dont rly rmbr how many months honey that’s intentional

sometime in july, before i made that post ab the healing process, we sat down and went thru every email subscribed to our mailing list, every account in every gc we used to have, decided fuck it and created all the new ones, rmbr when we had like 500+ members in one of them? well that’s not happening ever again, outsiders aren’t allowed anymore

did it hurt your feelings being left out?

well it hurt my feelings to find out how many of you were actually involved in the case behind my back, how many of you knew exactly what was happening in those two years and stayed silent or worse – chose to side w the person who wanted to take everything he could away from me

not just me, my friends, my family, the ppl i love more than anything else in this world, have suffered enormously bc of His actions and bc of Your support of those actions

i know exactly who you all are, i have a list of names i dont want to hear ever again in my life

the damage you’ve done is irreparable, and it’s beyond my imagination how any of you still feel entitled to anything, did you rly think i’d never find out? i thought it was common knowledge i always find out one way or another

we’re all grown up ppl, and it’s not my place to tell you who you can or cannot talk to, you’ve made your choices and we’ve made ours, and if you ended up on the outside of the circle, welcome to consequences 101, your actions actually do have an impact, what a concept

the case played a big part in the whole thing, but we’re way past that now, and the thing is – the real reason behind ‘cutting out such a big amount of ppl’ is we’re tired, the better part of our lives was dedicated solely to creating a safe space, and we did, only to realize we’re our own safe space, it’s the ppl, so the shows are still happening, the karaoke nights and the acoustic sessions, i say my thank yous from the stage and in emotional voice msgs at 3am bc my god do i love our space, my little sanity oasis, that part hasn’t and will never change

what changed is that we don’t have to subject ourselves to scrutiny, to any form of judgement anymore rly, what they dont know they can’t ruin i rmbr a post like this somewhere on this blog, i dont have to read your thoughts on every single detail of every single move we make, i only hear opinions from those ppl i actually want to listen to, and no, i dont only surround myself w yes men now, if i do smth wrong i still get called out, rightfully so

what i’m mostly tired of is those half-assed friendships, of ppl who only wanted me smiling and shiny, who would disappear the second things got a bit depressing, i dont know who hurt you, but it wasn’t me, or maybe it was, in that case that’s on you if you never had the guts to open your mouth and actually say smth

yk i’ve had to say so many goodbyes in the last two years, i’ll say some more if it comes to this, i’m getting better at letting ppl come and go, but i could never tolerate indifference or betrayal, and i’ve had enough of both of these things

you can still go off in my inbox, let it all out, i can’t rly stop you, just know it doesn’t make any difference to me

[confusedsiewmai]

-

[banglatown]

21 tips i’ve learned in my 21 years for relationships

MAKE! YOUR! INTENTIONS! CLEAR! if you do not want a committed long-term relationship, pls make it known, your wants and needs are valid, do not feel pressured into a commitment you are not ready for, if they respect you, they will understand.. not to mention; you can always change your mind, just remember to communicate!

do not just assume someone is your significant other .. use your words and TALK TO THEM .. other human beings do not exist for you to project onto them, if you’d like them to be your significant other, ask .. they might just say yes lol

less serious .. but if anyone ever asks you to turn on your location for them on snapchat ... don’t . just don’t . trust me that it is an unhealthy tool to utilise .. on either side .. snap is creepy and will let the person who has your location on know what you’re doing at tht exact time .. honestly 🚩 the moment they ask but if you want more of an explanation, it will let them know if you’re asleep... if you’re listening to music.. if it’s raining where you are... if you’re driving.. if you’re on a bus.. and of c the last one, when you were last active 🙃 just don’t, okay

for god’s sake, if you buy your significant other something, that’s great, cool, fine, don’t constantly bring it up over and over again .. whether it’s how hard you worked to get it, how much trouble you went through to get it, or how expensive it was... no, just stop .. don’t .. it’s so crass .. and i promise you, they’ll probz never want you to buy them anything ever again .. so .. just give the present and Go

IF they make apparent to you that valentine’s day is something they want to celebrate... I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABT WHAT COMMERCIALISED HOLIDAY DO RE MI FAH SO LA LA LA .. you fucking participate.. if they mention valentine’s day more than TWICE .. they rly want you to at the very least acknowledge valentine’s day w them .. don’t be that ‘valentine’s day is a commercial jssuejjejwksjd-’ prick, no, friendly reminder that this is why no one likes you .. if you feel tht the person you love wants you to acknowledge hearts day w them .. just do it fgs ..

no. 1 cuntiest thing you can do is to assume someone has free time, no, no they do not, if you’re going to assume anything, assume that they’re busy, at least this way you’ll come across as being courteous when asking them whatever it is you want them to engage in whether it's a phone call or wanting to go out w them, do not think you are entitled to someone else's time

don’t fall for potential .. some ppl just don’t change .. ik some ppl can’t handle hearing tht but i’m sorry darling we don’t live in a fairytale world where ppl w toxic tendencies drop them as soon as they see your face, we live in this one and it’s not your place to try and fix them

nip things in the bud, ppl make mistakes as we are all human and therefore intrinsically flawed but if any foul play ever takes place nip it THERE AND THEN ..

sometimes ppl need their space, different ppl cope w hurt in different ways so if you ever do upset the person you love, don’t just expect them to accept your apology the moment you feel bad and say sorry ... when apologising to someone you need to give them their own time to process

this ones for my muslims, if a significant other ... EVER ... tells you to cover your hair .. x them out of your life ... nope nope nope .. your relationship w god is PERSONAL .. and the very fact that some ppl think it’s appropriate to go abt telling ppl to ‘cover their hair’ is fucking ridiculous.. they’ve very clearly over estimated their own importance in this situation, they’re not shit .. you don’t need someone like tht i promise

i’m a firm believer of how a person treats their friends shows a lot of their character .. if they without any ounce of irony say the sentence “i hate all my friends” ... do not get involved w them, they’re bad news, trust me, if they can’t be nice to the ppl they call friends, sweetheart what makes you think they’ll be different towards you?

this one’s for my desis .. pls do some form of a bg check on their family ,,, PLEASE .. if you’re desi yk .. if not idk .. good for you innit 

but speaking of families .. this sounds peculiar but ask abt their relationship w their relatives .. don’t just assume tht just bc you get on well w your familials, tht they will too, ask them abt their family, don’t be overbearing abt it .. but ask cordially

i was debating on whether i should include this or not but some of you completely lack human decency so i suppose i have to .. for the love of all that is fucking holy, if someone ever asks you the question “did you miss me?” SAY YES .. FOR GOD’S SAKE .. you don’t need to get into the semantics of ‘well, i didn’t have time’ 🚫 ‘well do you want me to lie’🚫 or whatever else you heartless cowards say ... simply, say “yes, i did” it’s something so small but it can make someone so fucking happy

listen, rly fucking listen, don’t listen w the intent of saying whatever you want to say, rly take in what tht person is saying to you and anyway “when you talk you repeat what you already know, when you listen you might learn something new”

in a similar vein, don’t assume that just bc someone is complaining or venting or ranting to you tht they want your advice ... they don’t .. the only time they want advice is .. shock horror .. when they ask for it .. sometimes ppl just want to rant, let them, be a safe space

idk why the whole ‘arguments are normal’ thing .. is a thing .. bc it’s not and i feel as though it’s as a result of such thinking that many ppl stay w ppl who just aren’t right for them bc ‘arguments are normal’ but .. newsflash .. they’re rly fucking not, i promise you, yes, where there is more than one person, disagreements are BOUND to arise, but arguments? full fledge shouting matches? .. where the both of you are intentionally trying to hurt each other, no . this is not normal, an argument is serious and should be dealt as such, do not start an argument for no reason, idk why being ✨toxic✨ is a thing .. you are dealing w a real person w real emotions ..

love is mutual generosity, you CANNOT afford to be selfish, the moment you become selfish you will hurt the other person, for the sake of god rmbr you do not own the other person, so pls don’t treat them like they’re property .. it’s not a nice feeling .. i only say all this to bring up, another human being’s BODILY AUTONOMY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ... you either get it or you don’t

REPEAT AFTER ME! anyone who tries to dull your sparkle instead of enhancing it IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!

pls don’t take this the wrong way but .. try to avoid ppl who are insecure as fuck.. insecure ppl will suck the living light out of you ... ik ik i sound mean but you’ll thank me for it later .. sweetheart, ik, they’ve gone through tough times and they’ve somehow managed to make you feel like ~yOu’Re gOiNg tO bE tHe oNe tHt sAvEs tHem~ but no .. baby, therapists make good money, don’t do that shit for free, not to mention; oh they will be cruel to you :) -10/10 do not recommend

last but not least, do not bother pursuing a relationship w someone who has completely different morals to you .. by tht i mean if you’re a feminist and they’re the type of person who slut-shames women for breathing ... yk, as the adage goes “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” 

[celesecretsanta]

@froggystyles

hello!! YES I'M VERY HAPPY ABT ITTT ahhh don't give me too much credit, i saw someone else doing and thought: hmm . i talk too much . might as well make a blog for itjdfhsdkj

oH mY GOD that is a mood!!!!!!!!!!!! randomly thinking abt girls . yeah . and ahhh the christmas rush, that's A Lot 

YOOO  moment of silence for all the work i do on word and just . don't save it . 

AHHH YESSS so dec 13 was the day of my econ final may she rest in peace and there was No Way i could focus on econ, so i tried to find every leak link i could and did! on dec 11, around midnight, i listened to fine line the album and lost my shit and descended to an astral plane. and i'm never coming back dOoOWn and sunflower is 110% abt the desire for gay domesticity lbr 😔 BUt ALSO!!1 listening to the album in full, not on shuffle is so hard?? like. going for tpwk to fine line is an EMOTIONAL BURDENNNNNN

ahHHh it's good, no pressure!!!!! i'm currently watching hsm: the series bc . i need simulationnn

aww, 💝💞💕💖💘 you! deserve! all! the! appreciationnnn!!!!!! i don't draw, but i write and it's very hard to keep on it :/ sometimes, i won't have motivation, but other times, i'll pick out every flaw, buT!!!!!!! talking my characters out with someone always helps! or if i go back to the source of inspiration (like my current piece is basically ya dystopia, and i just rewatched the maze runner series with my sisters (*speaking of whichhh, do you have siblings), and i have 485378 new ideas!!) 

oH i get that omg, it's currently 1:48am and i have No PLans to sleep soon,,, (edit: so i finished writing this and it’s 4:14am, this is @ the tv i decided to binge) i thiNK i like staying up so late bc that's when everyone else is asleep and i finally get to be , me . 

dskjhs a banana peel?? in water?? and i drink it?? no matter how much . that idea doesn't interest me, I wiLL ~keep it in the back burner~ for the n*xt s*mester!!!

and there's so! many! things you can do with brownies?? caramel, dark chocolate, peanut butter,,,,the possibilities are endless ... too bad i don't bake . or cook sdfkljs (do you bake/cook? i feel like i should but . i'm not moving out anytime soon so. i can get away w/ being a useless kitchen gay)

ahh!!! it was cute, it had little santas and the other one was snow flakes!! (speaking of: every winter, i take out my bed sheet that's grey and has snow flakes bc . why not . also i love my bed and it has to look great always . in fact, i'm sitting on my bed right now. basically: "[michael scott voice] i love sleep. i'd love to get some one day")

ahHH good omens!!!! i'm in a ficless point rn, but!!! i neve considered good omens fics!!! thank you for the Motivation!!!!!!!!

oH so i haven't gone to a concert... or bought tickets to a show aka who am i??? but i thought it was electronic?? but dsfkjh losing them would 110% something i would do omg

i would say keep them in one place, bUT that wouldn't work for me either oof

we ReALLY DOOO!!! shoutout to christmas for existing!

ahHH i rmbr when he cut it, there was chaos everywhere and!!! the dunkirk content!!!! he looked so different!!!! my fave is the 2014/5 harry look tbhhh and jdkfhksj i didn't like harry's short hair at first . but 🥺 it's grown on me 

YESSSS LIVE FOREVER IS SO GOOD i wish the promo was done well . but uH liam's team b wack wbk :))))))))

okay yes!! she!!! i'm so proud of harry's journey!!!! and he's confident!!!!!!! and sO much more open than when he started in the band 🥺🥺 but the real special-place-in-my-heart-song has to be tbsl bc. we single!!!!!!! skjfhksdj

yes!!!!! we love that growth!!!! and self-realization!!!!! rooting for youuuu 🎉💝💛 my 6th grade teacher had us write something to our senior-self but i switched schools so i never read it :/ i'm pretty sureeeee i wrote stuff abt 4.0 GPAs and ivy league colleges oofhdskjffh but yes!! taking care of ourselves is important bc it's how we learn to be better versions of our present selves <3 i think writing would be be very . healing hmm. perhaps i'll write one as well,, ⚡💝

aHH so my family & i lived in some apartments that had these bEAUTIFUL, big, flowing willow trees, but then one day our landlord thought them to be too big and cut them down :/ but i'm definitely more of a greenery person 🍃🌿🍀🌿☘🌲🌾🌿🍃

uhhH there isn't an emoji, so here are some links !! to brighten your day, here's a bouquet!!!!

oh!! now that's a style i can get behind 🌟⭐🌟

and it's fun!!! reading this made go 🥰💕✨🎇🥰💓🎇💕🥰✨💞💗💫💓🥰✨ and :') in caps so ily for that

bUT YOU HAVE A CAT AHHHDSJH pls give them all my l💖ve!!!! 

okay! so! last couple things! as poc/minority kiddos, we have a Limited option of representation in the media, so my question is: who was the person you looked up to as a kid? and! do you decorate your room? or is it almost impersonal? 

ily, you deserve everything that's right in the world, and i think you're the most amazing, most patient, most understanding, most kind person i've known. that's what i think when i think of you <3 💖

may the wind whisper what you need to hear, ✨

[irastayshome]

Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

*

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.

[kkukkung]

v lorge ask compilation below

some of these asks date back like??? a few months??? dsdjkfhk... they’re ordered from newest to oldest i’m so sorry... messy messy

Ur blog is the plush jooheon is going like 😯😷😨😷😷 😵😫😱 to

it... is......... honestly i think jooheon is the member i’d get along w the least irl?? i can’t explain it but?? mb bc he’s a libra? also the fact that hyungwon received that huge shrimp plush n held it like a foetus is so :’’0000

annie tumblr is gonna censor ur whole blog cause ur gay

Good.

so... shart is ur New fav word now huh, guess that ges into my dictionary now...

shart made a comeback from 2016 me’s vocab and i don’t even know how it happened? :(

Sjdnkwldwnnw u ruined that punch scene in shine forever,, I can't watch it without thinking about your "my meat, me" gif 

the best gif i ever made??? gkjkjf sorry i rly am the most irrelevant person on this damn website? also that rly was my first thought when i watched the mv.... or maybe second thought after thinking “god i wish shownu would punch me like that”

changkyun is really so happy recently, he smiles so much and his eyes crinkle, its the cutest thing i have ever seen like ??!?! i want to protect him, just roll him up in a blanket and show him memes on my phone

he is!!!!! his happiness is my own happiness?? and when he smiles ur right he goes like >__< he’s rly the cutest boy alive? and this ask is so relatable esp the last part... if ck were my friend irl i’d just text him memes all day???

pls deactivate

relatable

I'm so soft rn. How can I FUCKING tell them how much I love them. Like I want to grab wonho's sweet squishy face and give his forehead a big SMOOCH. These boys deserve so much and I want to convey that to them in person but I CAN'T. And if I had the chance I'd probably ugly crying too hard to say anything.

this ask is so cute??? and i understand the dilemma like... idols are ppl who give & receive so much love every day expressed in 28347982 different ways so it’s hard knowing how to rly... Let Them Know just how happy they make u thru their existence alone? crying with u anon

yikes wait what happened w jinyoung?? i thought he was one of the few unproblematic ones...

[diff anon] jinyoung was on a tv show where he was playing a past love interest or something and he kisses the actress who's only 14..

i.... won’t comment on this bc i don’t want to stir up old drama but :/ aah i see... thank u for letting me know!

i started talking like you and another person who has similar typing patterns to you and now all my friends hate me bc of slorp and spicy

sdfjkghksdfkjfgkjds im rly sorry this happened to u... at first my friends were resistant but after a while they started picking it up as well thru exposure so... infect them jksfjjkgf... also add shart to the menu i guess? :/

Kihyun's kink is making people flustered. On the gifseft he's like "There's so many things I can do with my mouth, let me show you honey." He will grab your neck firmly yet delicately while he invades your personal space. Keeping eye contact is troublesome, this new proximity tastes as dangerous as the underlying promise of what will come next. But Hyungwon never figured it out since he backed out, breaking the siren's spell.

(response to this gifset i think? jshdfkjff) BLEASE... im writing a hyungki fic right now as we speak ✍️📝 anyway i like this characterisation of dom!kihyun bc irl he would be very dominant ??? and in fics he’s always the bottom just bc he’s #smol 🙄 but i mean he’s ?? so aware of his own sex appeal sometimes so he’d be like a switch/top/power bottom imo

you're right, you aren't into vore. More like in slorping and smorching knees/feet, and other nsfw things.

tbh im only fake horny :/ im a romantic deep down.. want to watch the sunset with lmh....... accidentally drop my bag of skittles on the dirt and he eats them up like a vacuum cleaner jksfdhkjgfkjfdhjgfjhjks

Annie, i feel like you'll understand me. Whenever I see Minhyuk, i feel a mixture of extreme lust, great anger and a desire to have my head bashed in because he's real and nothing else matters anymore. It's really.... not what i wanted in life 

another #relatable ask... i want to take minhyuk out on a candlelit dinner date but like.... at kfc and we’ll both be touching each other’s cheeks with our greasy hands like animals... like raccoons scavenging for trash in a dumpster

'kihyun stans are foot fetishists'' UHM!!! this is tru i would slorp kihyuns whole foot in one go

i don’t rmbr writing this but skjdfhfgsdkjgjk it... it really is true huh...

hi annie, i just wanted to ask you what your take on wonho's personality is? ive read your tags before and how you say he is very romantic in how he presents things, and i thought that was interesting!

aaa, i think i’ll write a proper post on this later bc it’s also something that interests me a lot... until then i’ll just say that i think he’s indeed very romantic and loves pleasing people... his driving force is rly Love u know... love for people (family, members, fans), for his job, for music, etc... he’s very soft and imaginative and sometimes that comes across as a kind of childish innocence?? more on this later

i wanna kno more abt the customer whos coming in more lately,, i lov regulars that come in at my job - it's such an interesting half relationship

hgfjjjsk this ask is from a month ago n i think i was talking abt that customer who asked me if i wanted to die but in a casual way?? jsfdkh i work at a tobacco store so this guy asked me if i smoked n i was like “uhm no i don’t” so he went “what? are you afraid to die?” and i stood there like... kind of dumbfounded for a sec jksfhg but he’s a nice guy n very cool... nvr seen his eyes b4 bc he always has rly dark shades on n he buys the cheapest cigarettes n leaves. but most regulars i get are like chinese international students spending their parents’ money on cigs and some sweet old men who always want the same smokes... there’s this one old man who always wears matching vintage suits n pairs it w a fancy hat n once he complimented my outfit and i was thrilled?? also some creeps come n chat me up while im working sometimes which is a bit :/// but mostly i like my job and it’s interesting interacting w regulars! thank u for this ask n im sry if this was like super boring lmao

idc what it says about me but Minhyuk rushing to eat chicken bones off the fucking floor brought him from 'would play Mario Kart and share nachos with' to 'would play Mario Kart and share bodily fluids with' levels

i want to Die.................... when he tried to eat those half-eaten chicken bones off the ground....... that was the moment that solidified his image as a Dirty Dirt Man in my head like he’s a Real Gremlin... i said it for fun b4 but it’s... a real thing. he’s actually Disgusting skjdfhjdkf... also anon u sound like a gremlin too??? join our big gremlin family???

wtf is "That" ????? and why is it related to kihyuck ?? - knowing ur tags it should be something gross, but u said it in such an onimous way; annie, i am scared.

i genuinely don’t rmbr what this was abt djgjs i write a lot of tags that don’t make sense even to me like a few weeks later?? sjdfjhkjsk i’m sorry... gotta start answering these in time so they actually have any kind of relevance... 

"That kink where you just want to be crushed....just like pulverized. Asking for a friend" Bless this tag

again.. don’t rmbr writing this tag and don’t rmbr the post i wrote it for but um, yeah, sounds like smth i said jkfdgsjfdjk im so sorry...

i just had a dream where minhyuk showed up, called me sexy and then left???

fun fact whenever ppl tell me abt their dreams here it’s always to do with minhyuk doing something weird??? also God I Wish That Were Me...

why do u say jooheon is def experienced tho? he legit said he never had a girlfriend in his life and it's clear seeing him interact with women, he has no idea what to do? unless you mean gay experiences, that's probably very true

THE LAST LINE OF THIS ASK JKDHKJD.... um i think joobs is experienced bc i actually think he’s sorta smooth? he’s pretty flirtatious w female hosts on the shows mx appears on like... w jimin on asc and w seulgi on idol battle likes... i don’t mean experience as in a lot of idk.. sexual experiences (if anything he’d b the type to be v devoted to someone if he was dating them i think) but i feel like he does know how to present himself in a certain... attractive light especially in front of cute girls? idk if i’m saying this right... 

ur minhyuk tags are so fnny and hella relatable im dying n 😂😭😂

my minhyuk tags: slorp... asterisk asterisk asterisk x10... nut... gremlin dirt man... nut nut... nutting... dksjfgkj but thank u?

but you ARE funny lol I laughed so hard at that bird/Shownu reference

gfjkgjkjk u can tell how old these asks are from the things they’re referring to... but nevertheless thank u sm im sry im a mess... at least im a funny mess to a select few ppl... thank u for enjoying my messy blob... i lov u

no exit ep 5 was a mess but wonho was lookin reeeal cute w those glasses tbh

???? what the fuck, where they serious about that fuckin Mathew the tiger??? If yes, then again, wtf??

jdsfjksk i still can’t believe Those Episodes of no exit rly happened...

i love your tags so much especially the ones where you imply that minhyuk's actually an alien "# he rly doesn't know what to do w his arms he hasn't possessed a human body in so long" lol

HE RLY IS AN ALIEN... like he’s obviously attractive n was popular in school n smart n funny n cute but sometimes he does the most unexplainable things n it makes me rly wonder if he’s human??? he’s so fucking weird u kno i love my alien gremlin dirt man... take me for a ride in ur ufo...

You @ wonho: :( sweet baby u deserve everything good You @ minhyuk: literally slorp my p**** you fucking snake

SHUT UP...

i started using slorp too help

this ask was sent 3 months ago... i can’t believe i’ve been saying slorp for three months...

um..... i luv u???smorch

smorch u back??? big sloppy smorch that leaves u disgusted???

Hey Annie, would you mind a short description of the Monsta X No Exit Chanel+ video?

i’m sry abt how late this is jsfdjkg but if anyone’s still interested... yeah the no exit video where they explained the hypnotism was p much just bts of jooheon and shownu getting hypnotised... and it kind of legitimised it ig bc joobs said he was concentrating super super super hard (and hypnotism only works when ur focusing that much??) n so did shownu... my ch+ actually expired recently so this is just from what i rmbr hfdjsdjkh if anyone else can contribute pls do! otherwise i will get a renewal soon and after that i could do a better summary if you’re still interested! sorry!!

Um...why are jooheons vocals slept on...what the fcuk he's so??? Nice to listen to??

tbh why is jooheon such a golden boy... literally good at everything... can sing dance (one of the best dancers in mx??) and rap.... compose... write lyrics... play 328974 diff instruments... cute n sexy at the same time.... what the fuck

I'm trying to figure out what your censored tags are but apparently my vocabulary of nasties is pretty limited

im glad??? pls don’t read the next part of this ask compilation ksfhkgsd

!!!nsfw asks... spare urself please...!!!

uhhhhhh for the nastea ask comp... kihyuns p*thy eating lips??? true, but whats the most to least best at eating out ranking order?

1. kihyun/wonho

2. shownu (would try v hard??? earnest man??)

3. hyungwon (idk i think he’s gotta be Good somehow i mean look at his lips??)

4. jooheon

5. changkyun

6. minhyuk (can’t find clitoris :/)

I would like to hear more about kihyun's p**** e**ing lips tbh 👀... please elaborate

idk what to say but i feel like the way he moves his lips sometimes is ??? erotic jskfdhkgjfdj and same w wonho... also the lisp has some relevance 2 ***** eating idk there’s a tie there somewhere...

I FEEL DIRTY WATCHING KIHYUNS BODY ROLLS ON WEEKLY IDOL I WOULD **** his **** at fucking lightning speed

rmbr when we thought sexy!kihyun Peaked during beautiful era w the return of the black hair but now he’s running around w a blindfold n showing off his new shredded body at any given moment.. yeah

(in reference to minhyuk probly not knowing where the clit is) minhyuk: *reaches into the back of your throat and flicks your uvula* "hows that feel babe? ;)"

reading this took years off my life i hate u

I disagree.Minhyuk is probably the most kinky out of monsta x.He just doesn't show it like every other expert in the field 👀👀

mmm i think hyungwon could be a Freak? jskdhfkg but ur right minhyuk is definitely someone who’s up for like... experimental stuff :/