#god it's so late but i didn't wanna delay this another day because i'm really happy with his art hsjnfkbjn

[saltysplayt00ns]

Oh, it's new page time and I'm so annoyed with it.

Four days timeskip? Seriously? Kargo just fucking standing around in the open, as far as without his makeup on to cover himself up? Where is Whispervale? Did they go home? Where's the anxiety before the raid? Why did they allow a blinded, traumatised feline to go TO the potentially to be raided tribe and not the other way around, especially considering the fact that Shiverfall was supposed to pick those who up at the Whispervale so that means the mom has to go the route TWICE? God. Home Asmundr, the comic where common sense and logic goes to die.

A haHA I just see a kid hyper stating that to see the SS news X’D

A bit late to respond on this, but Have did a response of it HERE:

How the group literally went to Shiverfall instead of across the short route to Meteor from Whispervale, which saves a lot of time. There was no reason for them to waste those days, especially a blind mother hearing their child is alive and urgently seeking to meet them. The dogs should know where the quickest route is without delay or have a companion to do that. Time is really not consistent and wasted, they’re would’ve been another raid by the time the mother came since the raiders had warned meteor of leaving or die and if WV is not there to protect them, they’re dead. Yet everything is frozen in place like a sitcom.

Kique tries to draw 3- 4 characters max. Cause more than that, he has a fit, Lost scent is Mature on their process and it’s a real treat to read along and more. Including their insights cause it's fun to read, you can also read this comic on DA

Like seriously guys pls read this comic, I'm on my damn knees for this one. *AHEM* That being said, there isn’t much consistent tension to really horn down for the audience to be on their seat, it's a pass by and an easy fix. There are so many tensions forgotten or fixed under 1-2 pages that it’s ridiculous and there's still more.

I guess healing bark also cures hunger and starvation

I haven't forgotten the situation where meteor was running low on food from the herd and the winters coming fast along with Ranach and Avanti, but it was forgotten and dealt with by literally a puppy howling and Rogio saving the day by a mere fluke. The dogs never brought up about the starvations because everything was fixed and it wasn’t even a good nor justified battle, it was plot armor for Ranach to keep on trolling.

" yeeah saving Ronja...riiiight"

Or when Ronja was in danger and she was forgotten, Roamer went on a dip despite him having concern the male could be a meteor tribe member.

and Rhovanion didn’t want to fight because “ it's not their way”, Rhov buddy, your pack literally fought an alien invasion and caused the Liulfrs to go Extinct with the help of your "alien God". You were LITERALLY THERE TAKING THEM DOWN and didn't even cross your mind of " it's not our way to kill" , that is such a copout exscuse to not want to fight, Ronja was your pack member and adoptive cousin - FAMILY NOT A STRANGER. PLUS LET HER LEAVE WITH SOME STRANGER IN A DANGEROUSE ENVIROMENT. Like this is not very leader like nor family wise

Guys, how brain dead can you be. Like this seriously, emotionally hurts me. Yet people love them and wanna be like them.

 he has not changed. Since he hasn’t gone to save Ronja still from the Raid and it seems Asmundr will be doing the same damn thing. Cause Kique doesn't have them progressing and movign around, they just sit their and be stagnant, its already been 4 days and they have not Gotten to meteor yet???!!! Rhovanion and Feaf gotten to Asmundr in not time flat.

Or the whole situation of meteor females being oppressed and used as fodder while males forced to be soldiers and brutes in a generational curse.  How Rogio, Ranach and other males would not get a benevolent greeting compare to like Kargo and Ferah who actually did something to help them;

Yet everyone is chill with the males including Rogio who they welcomed, like they were the bullies, while Kargo and Ferah were seen as an annoyance to bother with, Heck Ferah and Ronja Apologized to each other like, there is no conflict whatsoever. Everything patched up nd onto the next plot... if there is any to solidly follow.

If you have people like this, ditch them ASAP When Keirr and Aira had a goal to find their family and Aira finally will be within Keirrs pack??? Forgotten, it was Keirr excuse for them to have ‘ stability ‘ but Keirr was welcomed in and became a Guard while Aira was struggling to fit in and become a Herbalist?? healer?? then was brushed off by Keirr so many times, Lied to her, tok full credit of figuring out the Ghouls when it was Aira and practically ditched her when he finally saw his family again. Leaving her in a tribe she didn't want to be in, in the firt place and tolerated it because OF KEIRR. She literally has anxiety and abandonment issues plus without Kique's logic a disability and Keirr Just straight up ditches her, which is the WORSE thing to do; And I hav not even talked about what he does with Ruan, he doesn't even join Fruajar to guard his family from a raid because Ruan is there. Like imagine you wanting to go with someone on a trip to see the Mountains to meet some lost relatives who're in need of your help, let's say Bob for simplicity, you both have everything set up in a hotel and landed, but then all of a sudden Bob meet some people in Meadows street ( for simplicity ) along with you, Bob is appraised, people warmed up to them and Bob forgot the whole reason for the trip and made an excuse as you tried to remind them for the reason for said trip not even wanting to focus on making friends since its temporary and you have a goal - a subjective mission. Then Bob starts being distant, not even telling you where he went or if he left and gets made at you and tells you to " figure it out" basically, and need to get along with other people - again FORGETTING THE REASON BOTH OF YOU WENT TO THE TRIP. FINALLY he leaves to meet the relatives and do the mission ... but left you in meadow's street, with a bunch of strangers in unknow lands. No warning, no nothing, you're not even around familiar territory to get to the hotel. Basically left you to wander alone to fend for yourself, worse if you have a disability or mental issues...or both.

Make it make sense pls

The one where Kargo had a bear spirit?? He just magically lost it after dying with an excuse that Kique forgot in his own story that contradicts it like...three times. Kique likes to forget his own lore...because he doesn't have a script and loooooooooves to do discovery writing.

The guy is just a Gary stu

Ranach being a menace and was supposed to be this Complex and intimidating antagonist??? Forgotten, since nobody sent a bounty hunter towards him presently, the only time bounty hunters actually done their jobs was on Jahla involving Flame tribe and the matriarch, Kargo for killing two Merchants, despite Kargo and other males may not be aware of it since Meteor was an oppressive and dangerous tribe that kidnaps dogs, it'll be stupid for a merchant to make sales with them nonetheless be near them. Kargo also shows signs of PTSD or a traumatic event that has him react to survival mode; and now South-spear tribe involving them being a nuisance, why it took them that long to attack south spear??? beats me cause Kique doesn't think far from his nose, but not Ranach specifically. Thye probably don't even know he exist despite they should if the Capitol kept tabs on them and RONJA actually tells them about him during Tinget, Instead he’s given a group to form a revolutionary revolt against the capitol ( that is also - probably his poorly patched redemption arch ) after sleeping with every male as what the Author drew Ranach in a ' gay bar' .

Foreshadow anyone??

The moment he slept with Iberion is the moment he actually did something, he really thinks Sex would make them follow him to the ends of the earth. He didn't even worked for his effort as a Guard, he was taken away to do other tasks, such as a ' hunter' and a ' wrangler' now he has full reign to do whatever he wants when the whole tribe shouldn't even give him nothing, especially the viscountess. Ranach would have to be on edge 24/7 but know it's a desert bar, how south spear has no kids is beyond me.

Kique really trying very hard to make it justified, when Rome is more of a 'yes man', AKA: a dangerous Yandere, simp.

Raven crest telling capitol or at least report that one of their members basically stole their Nova and damaged property?? Forgotten. They now fear him despite Ravencrest has everything to report the red wolf and Rome. - She snuck in their camp, a wolf that has blood on their fangs, sneaking around camp. If you was innocent you wouldn't be doing that at all, you would make your presence known and stated of seeing a beacon light around the territory. - Their healer been rebelling against them for a stranger. In the Jarls eye, he is a problem and a threat, has every right to throw Rome in with Jahla until further notice, but this is Kique logic and he wants Rome to be the savior and love interest. Can't have a weak male in the comic - no suree - Rome purposely started chaos and took the Nova AND THE WOLF Rome is literally a fugitive. Raven crest can tell neighboring tribes of now someone teaming up with the wolf and did property damage. How is Jahla supposed to show Akiulfrs are not dangerous when you have members like Rome joining. they're asking for a raid. ---- In conclusion, It’s all sunshine and rainbows. “ I understands “ and Stu characters being right 24/7 Who're we supposed to root for if the Main, deutor and Antagonists are all bad. The only one is Fremja, Avanti and Aira for they don't have the screen time to become assholes like everyone else.

[zosonils-art]

Can you talk abt tide man? I love them

(If you haven’t talked about them already)

i love him too so i can absolutely talk about him!! tide man infodump under the cut

tide man is an aquatic robot master who works in coral reefs! he's more or less an undersea janitor, hauling garbage or debris that's damaging the ecosystem back to shore. he also monitors the health of the coral and resident marine life, and helps with efforts to cut down on pollution and improve the water quality of the ocean. he lives in queensland, australia, where he's part of a massive ongoing effort to clean up the great barrier reef, but he's been called out to help with other coral reefs all over the world. he's based on the unused concepts for ocean man both in-universe and in real life, the same way vesper woman is based on the concept art for honey woman, and he was redesigned and built by dr. astil! unless archie mega man returns from the dead and gives the number to someone else, his official serial number is DAN-002

he's very easily stressed, even by small things, and his perfectionist tendencies only make this worse. he often places unrealistically high expectations on himself due to the [largely incorrect] assumption that, as a robot master initially designed by dr. light himself, they're the expectations that everyone around him also has. because of the unnecessary pressure he puts on himself, he's chronically anxious and prone to panic attacks, and struggles with depression and very low self-esteem. he has a short temper and tends to shout at people when he's freaking out, but he tries really hard to keep this in check and quickly apologises to anyone he upsets. once he's had some time to calm down, he's polite and good at working with others, if a little socially awkward. life isn't easy for tide but he's trying his best

despite the stress it causes him, tide is committed to his job and takes it Very Seriously. while it's partially due to his desire to be seen as competent and valuable and deserving of praise, his dedication mostly stems from a genuine love of the reefs he watches over. he has a high level of empathy for nature, especially sea life, and feels he has a responsibility to protect it. because of this, he's very conscious about things like recycling and treating natural environments with respect. he's appeared in a handful of psas about recycling and keeping the beach clean and not littering and all that to help raise public awareness about taking care of the environment. nothing angers him more than senseless littering, and he has a particularly seething hatred for plastic waste due to the damage it causes to ocean ecosystems

like many water-themed robot masters before him, tide is more suited to moving underwater than on land. his body is much denser than it looks, allowing him to sink to and walk along the ocean floor without assistance, but not so heavy as to impede his swimming speed or agility. he usually moves very slowly so that he doesn't accidentally break any coral or scare any marine life. the harpoon gun on his left arm is mostly used to pull up particularly large pieces of debris - he's permitted to use it for self-defence if he absolutely has to, but so far he's never fallen into such a situation. his weight and lack of a left hand make him clumsy above water, but the caution he takes while moving helps to alleviate this somewhat

tide absolutely loves animals, especially the sea life he interacts with on a daily basis. he tries his best not to give them attention and risk disrupting their behaviour patterns, but a lot of the fish and other animals in the great barrier reef recognise him as nonthreatening by now and will come up to him or swim alongside him of their own accord. being around animals calms him down, and if he's having a panic attack he can usually bring himself out of it by going to the beach and chilling with some seagulls or fish for a while. usually if he isn't busy he'll just sink gently to the bottom of the ocean and watch all the sea life swim past and get lost in that for a while. his absolute favourite animals are sea turtles! he loves the way they look and move and finds their social patterns fascinating. he couldn't choose a favourite species if he tried, though. don't ask him. he will get decision paralysis and he will cry

when he gets his laws of robotics surgically removed, tide man forces every human and man-made influence on basically the entire coast of queensland out of the ocean with the threat of gratuitous robot violence, then goes to sit at the bottom of the reef and scowl and occasionally vent his frustrations with incredible destructive force at any ships unlucky enough to still be floating through the area [then spend a few hours cleaning up the mess he made]. it's unclear how this gets wily any closer to world domination, but at least it gives tide something to do with his pent up frustration. the pressure of having to take over the entire world dials up his stress responses even further, shortening his temper from irritable to outright explosive. he sometimes tries to take charge of the group or set an example for his fellow robot masters, but in practice he isn't nearly intimidating enough to give anything stronger than a suggestion

his stage begins with a scramble through the robot-infested wreckage of a ship he took out his anger on, then once you reach the end and jump out it becomes the obligatory water level. there's a lot of downward movement in the second part as you travel deeper and deeper into the reef to find him. naturally his stage has plenty of thematically appropriate hazards - shards of coral as spikes, bubbles as temporary platforms, robots based on all his favourite marine animals, the works. in true tourist-in-australia fashion rock teleports in and immediately gets swooped by 40+ seagulls

tide is weak to sleet foot because he isn't well equipped to handle the cold. he was built under the assumption that he wouldn't ever encounter freezing temperatures, since he lives in queensland [one of australia's warmest states] and coral reefs only form in warm waters. when he gets cold, his movement becomes stiff and even slower, and if ice crystals manage to form in or around his joints they can quickly and completely incapacitate him. sleet foot being a low kick also gives him trouble, since his body's density means it takes some time for him to get up if he's knocked over

designing tide was interesting since i was actually referencing canon mega man designs instead of just making stuff up. in addition to basing him on ocean man's concept art, i also took a lot of design cues from plant man, since he's the only other robot master canonically built by dr. astil so i thought it'd be nice if they had some design elements in common! it's probably because of this heavy referencing that he arguably looks the most like a 'real' robot master in terms of design. [i don't think that by itself makes him a better or worse character design, it's just something interesting i noticed!] i'm particularly proud of taking the pattern on ocean man's helmet and turning it into the coral-like decal that tide has on his, even if it's a bit of a nightmare to draw lmao

due to sharing a creator, he and plant man consider each other brothers! their work doesn't overlap what with them being in different countries most of the time, but whenever they both have time off they take the opportunity to catch up and talk about how things are going. having each other there really helps them both with their depression [one day dr. astil will finally make a robot who isn't chronically sad], and while he's too shy to admit it tide really looks up to plant and is kind of awestruck by him. this is objectively a bad idea because plant is an emotional disaster, but tide is a baby sibling so he's too busy thinking his big brother is cool and awesome to notice

i think that's a good place to wrap up the tide man post, thank you so much for asking about him! as always here's the unfiltered and transparent versions of his art

[generallybarzy]

not despite, but unconditionally.

an: written for my lovely lovely friend @softboybarzal who i love dearly so so so so much 🖤🤍💜 happy late asexuality day!!!! I hope this is everything i think it is and I hope it makes you feel all soft and happy because of it. I really put my heart in this one for you and everyone else out there who feels like someone won't love and accept them because of their sexuality. I love all of you sm and I promise you will find someone who cherishes you like barzy does in this fic.

tagging: @softboybarzal ​ @fallinallincurls ​ @matbaerzal ​ @npatrickz ​ @canadianheaters ​ @selenophileangel ​ @deleausvp ​ @colecaufield ​ @hockeyhughes11 ​ @nazdaddy ​ @barzysreputation ​ @comphybiscuit ​ @aboveaveragehockeyboys ​ @ifiwasshawnmendesidslapmyself ​ @petey-patty ​ @starswin​ @heatherawoowoo ​ ​

word count: 2.6k

After only a handful of months with Mathew, you already knew he was an amazing boyfriend- always attentive, but never suffocating, endearingly clingy and cuddly and soft, and the most caring and gentle man you had ever met in your life. Something you loved about Mat- but, god, how could you choose when there were so many things to love?- was how open he was to listen, to learn about you, to know you. How good the two of you were at communicating with each other, and how much he listened and made sure he understood what was wrong when you were upset. But, this beautiful talent of his came with downfalls, and that downfall- for you, anyway- was that you could never pretend to be fine around him. He knew you much too well. He knew everything about you. 

Well, except for one thing.

So when you walked through his apartment door for your Friday night cuddles with a gloomy smile and a far-away look in your eyes, he knew something was wrong. 

“Heyyyy, baby.” He bounced over to the door, always energetic, and grabbed your bag and coat from you. He bent down and lay a big smooch against your lips, smoothing a hand through your hair, and you subconsciously leaned into his touch. While he knew you always loved being near him, there was something so withdrawn about you lately. He smiled his comforting little smile, watching you with soft eyes. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, bubs. I’m just tired, long day at work, that’s all.” 

It was a lie, you knew it and Mat did too. Maybe you were tired, maybe you did have a long day at work, but he could see there was something else there. Even so, he smiled softly and kissed your cheek, vowing to himself that he’d get it out of you after a bit of cuddling. “Okay. How about we go cuddle and watch some Netflix, ‘kay? I have a hoodie ready for you to change into in my room, and I’ll start the hot cocoa, okay?”

“Thank you.” 

“Always.” He lay another kiss on your head before shooing you off to the bedroom to change. “Go get cozy, babe.” 

The moment you stepped into Mat’s bedroom, you knew how this night was going to go. Mat’s room was all tidied up, the bed was made and the drawers were closed and his nightstand was de-cluttered, and while he wasn’t necessarily a dirty person, it was obvious he had cleaned up today, and you knew why. Whenever you would come over and see he had cleaned his room, he would later try to take your relationship to the next level by turning your cuddle session into a makeout session, and the only reason those makeout sessions didn’t become more was that you would shoot him down and say you were sleepy. Granted, you loved the makeout sessions, you loved to fall asleep on him, and you loved how understanding he was that you weren’t in the mood. You just weren’t sure if he’d be so understanding that you were never gonna be in the mood.

After you stripped out of your clothes and into Mat’s big hoodie and a pair of sweats, you opened the door to go back out to the living room, where Mat was fluffing some pillows up and putting on Netflix. “Hey, just in time!” Mat set the drinks on the coffee table and pulled you into his side and flopped down onto the couch, snuggling into you like you were a teddy bear. 

“So snuggly tonight, Maty.”

“Only for you.”

The movie dragged on, at least thirty minutes passing with barely any talk between you. Your mind was racing with what you were going to tell Mat when he inevitably tried to make a movie and you rejected him again. He was going to be so upset, you knew it, he was going to break up with you right here. You didn’t want to think about it

Then, just like you knew would happen, you felt his lips against your ear. 

You welcomed it, gladly, you always loved when he kissed you. What worried you was what would come next. You couldn’t keep lying to him about this, leading him on, you had to tell him. “Mat, baby, stop.”

"What's wrong?" 

"Ah, I'm just… I'm too sleepy to do anything." 

Mat was silent for a few moments, before sitting up completely, bringing you up to sit next to him. "Are you just saying that?" God you didn't want to have this talk, you didn't want to fight, you didn't want him to leave you. You could feel the tears in your eyes. “Oh, hey hey hey.” Mat scrambled to collect you, bringing his hands up to cup your face and wipe away the tears, kissing your face tenderly. “Please, babe, I know something’s wrong. It’s fine if you don’t wanna have sex tonight but like, this might make me sound like a dick but I’ve waited and tried again and again and I’m just worried. Is there something wrong? Is it just that you’re not attracted to me or...? What? I promise I won’t be mad, I’m just trying to understand, ya know?”

“No, I’m attracted to you, I promise. I just…” 

“What is it?” Mat’s voice was quiet and gentle, his brow furrowed. He was genuinely trying to understand. 

“I- You might not like it, Mat, and uh, if you want to leave me after this… if it’s too much for you, I’ll understand. I won’t blame you.” 

“Hey, hey…” Mat tilted his head down to try and catch your gaze, his eyes gentle, his fingers even more gentle on your chin. “Okay, you know I’m not pushy, but babe, I’d never make you do anything you don’t want to, but I need you to tell me this. You’re worrying me.” Mat saw the hesitation on your face, the way you couldn’t meet his eyes, and reached out slowly. “Can I hold your hands?” He saw the way your hands reached out instinctively for his and took that as his okay to hold them, marveling at how small your hands were in his. “Take your time, talk when you’re ready.”

You took a few deep breaths, and could only bring yourself to glance up at him momentarily. You couldn’t delay this any longer. "Mat, I don't want to have sex with you." 

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he shook his head softly. "Um, okay, yeah that's okay. I won’t push you to. We can wait as long as you need." 

"No, no, I… I mean, like, ever." 

"I… I don't understand"

“I’m uhh. I’m asexual, Mat.”

“Okay.” Mat glanced down to the floor for a moment, biting his lip and furrowing his brow. You could see the gears turning in his head, and you loved him so, so much just for trying his hardest to understand it. After a moment, he looked back up at you, gentle questioning in his eyes. “Okay, so, what exactly does that mean for you, specifically?”

You were taken aback. Never before did anyone ask you what your sexuality meant to you. No one ever asked where you fell on the spectrum, they just pushed you aside because all they hear was no sex, and decided you weren’t worth a sexless relationship. You were at a loss for words. “I just, I guess I don’t get turned on, if that makes sense? Physically, yeah, I can get aroused, but in my head, I don’t feel the sexual attraction. Trust me, you’re hot and all, but it’s just… nothing… clicks, down there, ya know? I don’t get the urge to have sex or anything.” 

Mat nodded quietly, listening intently, so you continued. No one had ever given you space to ramble about your sexuality. No one had ever listened. And if he was gonna break up with you anyway, might as well get it all out. "I'm conflicted when it comes to sex, honestly, because I don't really want it or need it but I'm willing to do it for you if you really want it, ya know? I'm okay with making you feel good, but it just doesn't do anything for me."

“Well, if it doesn’t feel good for you, why would we do it?”

“It, it’s not that it doesn’t feel good. Well, for some people, it doesn’t. It’s a spectrum.” You saw Mat nod, and it made your heart swell how much he was willing to listen. “Some people hate sex, some people are okay with it, some people like it, we just don’t… necessarily need it. I’m okay with it, sometimes. I’m sure it wouldn’t feel too bad if I was doing it out of love, for you, but I just… don’t need it. I would do it for you, to make you feel good, ya know? But it doesn’t do anything for me.”

“So, that’s what was bothering you so much?”

“Yeah.” Mat was silent, his eyebrows furrowed up in thought. You could feel the tears coming back, even though Mat was so willing to listen, you knew he wouldn’t be willing to stay with you and give up something he wanted as much as sex. "I just, I know you want to have sex, and I just… I knew I needed to tell you, but I was trying to delay it because I just... I love you so much and I don’t want to ruin that. I know you want sex and I can’t promise you that, and I just…” Tears were streaming down your face now, and you could hear Mat frantically hushing you. “I just really really don't want you to leave me because of this."

"No no no baby, don't cry.” His arms surrounded you quickly, cradling you close against him. Your nose found the crook of his neck, settling there against that comforting scent that was just so him. His warmth surrounded you, you could feel his heart beating against your chest, his arms heavy around your back, keeping you close, and you felt safe. “Shh, baby. Please don’t cry over this. Please. I love you.” He lay kiss after kiss on your face, soft little pecks all over your wet cheeks. “I love you.” 

“But you’re gonna break up with me, aren’t you?”

“No!” He leaned back from the embrace, keeping his arms tight around you and catching your eyes with the most serious look you’d ever seen in your relationship. This was the first big, serious talk, after all. “Let’s get that into your pretty little head first, okay. I’m not breaking up with you. I. Am not. Breaking up with you. Ever. Tell me babe, what am I doing?”

“Not breaking up with me.” You smiled tearily and he beamed down at you.

“That's right, you're stuck with me." His lips fell to a tiny half-smile. "Listen, I love you, and we’re not breaking up. But, I don’t want you to think that you’re holding anything back from me. You’re not. It’s not that “you don’t wanna have sex, but I guess I can still love you despite that”, alright? It’s not that I still love you despite your asexuality, or even though you don't want sex. It's that you're asexual and I love you. Two. Independent. Facts.” He punctuated each word with a kiss on your forehead, his hands cupping your cheeks gently. He tilted his head then, glancing towards the ceiling as he thought over his word. “Okay, that might’ve been a little confusing but hang in there for me. It’s that… You don't want to have sex and you're my girlfriend and I respect that. Saying I love you despite this makes it seem like your sexuality is something I should have a problem with, but it isn't. It's another part of you, and I love you. All of you. My love for you isn't dependent on the idea of us having sex, okay? What's that “U” word I’m thinking of? For when I love you no matter what?"

Your throat was tight and your voice shaky as you sputtered out. "You, um, you mean un- unconditional?" 

"Yeah. Yeah. I love you unconditionally, okay? I love you for more than just sex. You're more than that... We're more than that, okay? A lot more. We’re all those dumb inside jokes we have that no one else is allowed in on, we’re weekly movie nights with hot chocolate and snacks. We’re hugs and kisses and cuddles on the couch after one of us had a bad day. We’re those shy kisses while surrounded by my teammates after we see each other on the concourse after a game, and me showing up at your work with lunch and embarrassing you in front of your coworkers, going out with all of our friends, and sneaking away to talk on the roof when the lights and the noises get too overwhelming. We’re about supporting each other in life, no matter what. That’s us. Sex doesn’t matter. If you decide later that you wanna try sex, I’m okay with it. If you’re okay with oral but no penetration, I’m okay with that. If you wanna touch me but don’t want me to do anything to you, I’m okay with that. If you decide you don’t want any type of sex ever, I am a hundred percent okay with that too. You know why? Because you’re so worth it.”

“Mat...” As much as you wanted to believe him, there was something nagging away at you, saying of course Mat wants sex, he’s hinted at it before, and what attractive young man like him wouldn’t? “Are you sure? You might be giving up sex for the most part.” 

"I’m a hundred percent sure. No, no, a trillion percent. Trust me. As long as I can stay here with you and cuddle you and love you and be with you, I'll be happy. Forever. Five-ever." He poked your cheek cutely, and a smile finally broke out on your face, prompting a stunning smile from Mat as well. “I promise you.” He leaned in again and pressed his lips to yours, passionately and with a smile, knowing that finally, you were comfortable again. “And I’m a big boy, I can get myself off if I need to. Promise.”  

“Mat!” You pulled back from him with a laugh.

“Hey, seriously! I don’t need you to do anything for me you don’t want to. I wouldn’t be a very good boyfriend if I forced you into stuff, would I? I’m completely fine going without, forever if I need to.” You buried your face in Mat’s chest, breathing in his cologne and soap, trying not to cry, this time not out of anxiety, but happiness. “I never want you to be scared to tell me anything, okay? I’ll promise you, I’ll always listen.” Mat squeezed his arms around you and lay back on the couch, pulling the blankets up around you and tucking you in tight against him. You snuggled down against him, your heart swelling with the absolute love Mat was willing to give to you. You couldn’t believe you were lucky enough to have him.

“Thank you so much.”

“You don’t need to thank me. I would never break up with you over something like that. Never. Now, how about we get back to the movie, huh? I’ve had enough serious talk tonight.” 

“I love you, Maty.” 

Mat smiled, his heart pounding against you. He smiled, knowing this was it for him. He smiled at the thought that he was lucky enough to call someone as amazing as you his person, his better half, the person he loved the most in the world. Sex wasn’t even a small price to pay. It meant nothing to him, sex wasn’t even on his mind, as long as he could stay in moments like these with you, forever. This was truly, honestly, all he needed. 

“I love you too, baby. Unconditionally.”

[boycrazy-fanfic]

Kindergarten Boyfriend

Fandom: Heathers

Word Count: 1198

Pairing: Ram Sweeney x Male Reader

"There was a boy I met in kindergarten, he was sweet, he said that I was smart. He was good at sports and people liked him, and at nap-time once, we shared a mat.

For as long as I can remember, Ram Sweeney had been gay. Not the flamboyant gay, or the nerdy gay. No, Ram Sweeney was the all too rare jock that just happened to not like girls. He had always been really into sports. Even though I couldn't say the same for myself, we always had fun together.

Although I didn't fully realize my sexuality until later, Ram and I had been "dating" since we met all those years ago. I know it sounds cliché, but we were basically best friends with benefits. I know what you're thinking, and it certainly wasn't like that (especially cause we were both five). Looking back, it was pretty insane that I had my first kiss with him that same year. Granted, it was nothing more than a peck on the lips, but back then, we thought it was the funniest thing. There weren't any romantic intentions behind our kisses, yet, but I remember enjoying them nonetheless.

The label of "boyfriend" didn't come about until the Valentine's Day of 8th grade. Our bodies were changing and we were feeling a lot more than we ever had. I remember being excited to go to school that day because in the week before, Ram and I decided to get each other something for this Valentine's Day.

'Happy Valentine's Day,' I said, handing him his gift. A box of chocolates no larger than my palm. It only contained three or four pieces because I couldn't go all out considering my parents didn't like me getting Valentine's gifts for another guy. I kissed his cheek and gave him a quick hug before going back to my desk.

After the first bell rang, Ram quickly got out of his seat and walked towards my desk. I realized he was holding a card and a bag of M&M's (those are my favorite). He handed me the candy and smiled, his face reddening by the second. Obviously trying to muster up the courage to continue. Ram cleared his throat and proceeded to read the card out loud, in front of the entire class, much to the dismay of our teacher.

'To my brilliant boyfriend. I thank God you came along. My gorgeous guy, who's tough and strong. Who makes me laugh, and keeps me calm, who's full of warmth, and endless charm.'

I was in love with Ram Sweeney. All the signs pointed in that direction. The butterflies when he spoke, the racing heartbeat when he would hold my hand, the random smiles we'd always give each other. I always knew Ram and I had something special, but I hadn't realized what it was until then. The reason I never looked at anyone else was that it had always been Ram and I. We never needed anyone else 'cause we always had each other. All the late-night phone calls, FaceTimes, study sessions ('cause we all know Ram isn't the brightest when it comes to school).

'We've been doing whatever you call this for eight years now and I'm ready to make us official. Everyone in Sherwood knows we belong together, and I know you do too. What do you say? Wanna be my boyfriend?' He asked. He took a deep breath and smiled, clearly satisfied with himself.

'Duh!' I exclaimed. I don't know why I was so excited, I knew that literally, nothing would change except we had a label now. We were basically dating before. I got up and hugged him almost instantly. I was swept up in all of this emotion that I almost forgot we were in class. I could see our teacher certainly wasn't entertained. He wasn't fuming but I could tell he wasn't pleased.

'Despite how heartwarming that was, I suggest you two have a seat before I have to assign detentions for delaying class,' he said, using air quotations around "heartwarming". We sat down and I spent the rest of the day thinking about what had just happened. To be honest, asking me out was purely a formality.

Freshman year, Ram decided to try out for the football team. Even though it meant we wouldn't spend as much time together, I was still happy for him. He really loves it and he's good too. He's not varsity good, but for a freshman, he's fantastic. Over the course of football season, Ram met this guy, Kurt. Ram started to hang out with him and they became good friends. Kurt and Ram were practically inseparable.

Unfortunately, Kurt was an established homophobe. So, not wanting to hide it any longer, Ram finally came out to Kurt and told him that we were dating, which felt nice to hear him say. Ram was basically Kurt's only friend and a good one at that. He didn't want to lose his only friend so he decided to try and be more accepting. Kurt would sometimes even tag along when Ram and I would go on dates. Which admittedly did bother me sometimes. But, Kurt got a lot better so I didn't mind having a third wheel around most of the time.

That brings us to senior year. Ram and I couldn't have been better. We were hanging out whenever we were free. Plus, Ram insisted on driving me to school every morning and driving me home on the days that he didn't have practice. Sometimes Kurt would join us on our way to school but most days he was too busy driving his girlfriend to school. In those three years, Kurt and Ram really improved football-wise. Kurt had become the quarterback and Ram had become the best defensive linebacker this school had ever seen. It had been three years and I still wasn't quite sure what a defensive linebacker was despite Ram's constant reminders 'cause he knew I wouldn’t remember. He truly was amazing, though.

Now I won't say your dad was the perfect boyfriend. We certainly had our fair share of bad times. Hell, we almost broke up one time. But, he's my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way. I hope someday when you're older, you'll find someone who loves and cherishes you as much as your dad and I love and cherish each other, and you guys." I finished.

"Don't worry, Y/N, they will," Ram said, putting his arm around me and pecking my cheek. "Our kids are great, they'll have no trouble finding someone just as great as they are." He presses a soft kiss onto my lips as our kids roll their eyes and walk away, pretending to barf. 

"Get outta here you two!" Ram laughs and hurls a pillow at them causing them to run out giggling, trying to avoid being hit. Ram really is the best. We've been married for three years now and have two beautiful kids.  Honestly it feels like we've been married forever. I'm certainly not complaining though. Life with Ram is like a dream, luckily for me, I haven't woken up yet.

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Janis

Grace: bitch you better have hidden all MY baby pics!!! Janis: obvs my number 1 priority Grace: mhmmmmmm don't be letting that boy see me looking like that Grace: as if our house isn't cringe enough Janis: what, a child? Janis: still got those chubby cheeks, cutie Grace: ew don't even Grace: I learned how to contour for good reason thank you Janis: mhmmmmmm Janis: curse this family and its DNA Janis: [sends her all the baby Grace pics we don't have] Grace: STOP Janis: 😂 Janis: n'awh Grace: you're so annoying it's no wonder you're their new fave Grace: so who's more 😍😍 for him, mum or dad? Janis: bit rude to their old fave Janis: giving you a place to bunk, have some manners Janis: 🤔 hmm, it's close Janis: probably the mother, chatting about some art project he has to do so Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: like if you're not gonna offer to do it for him, hush babes Janis: the idea of her coming at me with a 📷 got me like Janis: [suitably grumpy child pic] Grace: 😂😂😂😂 Grace: does he have to use 📷? she could just get one of her old 🎨 out Janis: oh yes, 'cos the idea of posing for a portrait thrills me more Janis: I think it can be any medium, it's his thing Grace: you only have to sit there tho Janis: not trying to spend any more time here with them tho Grace: 👌👌 true Janis: strictly dinner kinda deal Grace: I'm so sure dad made soooo many courses anyway Janis: I told him to be chill Janis: so naturally he hasn't Grace: ugh Grace: do not miss his dinner time check ins Janis: its only been a couple of days Janis: wouldn't get comfortable not missing anything Grace: UM can you not remind me that I have to come back Grace: so rude Janis: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: cute that you miss me tho hun 💜 Janis: like I'll be here hun Grace: you invited him there 🤞🤞 that you EVER see him again Janis: no I didn't Janis: I wanted them off my back, that's the plan Janis: now and I can leave and they won't freak Grace: he's still meeting them Janis: ? Janis: he'll get over it, it's one night Grace: !!! & 😱😱😱 Grace: it's mum & dad how long do they even need to make you wanna die Janis: it's more funny when you don't care Janis: worry about yourself Grace: I'm fine thanks so much Janis: were you waiting to talk about yourself Janis: 'cos go ahead Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: never stopped you before Grace: excuse you Janis: hm? Grace: really nice catching up, babes Janis: hm Grace: see you soon or not Janis: toodles Grace: 💜👋💜 Janis: call off your bitch, will you Grace: ??? Janis: who do you think Janis: why does she even watch my stories Grace: idk or why you think I haven't already told her to get over it Janis: fuck's sake Grace: why do you even care if she watches your stories? literally everyone is rn Janis: I don't care if she watches but tell her not to message me Grace: I obvs will but she obvs isn't gonna listen to me Janis: if she doesn't she's getting a slap Grace: LOL Grace: you know who her dad is, you can't Janis: no I don't Janis: though she'd like to think everyone does Grace: OMG just block her Grace: you wanted mum and dad OFF your back Grace: literally why bring him to dinner to start more drama Janis: they don't like her either Janis: it's not drama Grace: Duh she'll cause it if you hit her Janis: then she better shut up then hadn't she Grace: what's she even saying? Janis: does it matter Grace: if you want me to message her after days of not Grace: like I'm gonna just hit her up without knowing anything Grace: I'd look mental Janis: you know what Janis: forget it Janis: god forbid you inconvenience yourself however slightly Grace: OMG just tell me Janis: it shouldn't fucking matter Janis: let her tell you since you're so keen to side with her already Grace: I can't even take sides if I don't know anything Janis: I'll sort it myself Grace: by fighting her Grace: for god's sake Janis: and what Janis: your approach has worked so well? Grace: okay so it's all my fault Janis: thanks but that admission don't really help Grace: STOP Grace: & just talk to me Janis: why Janis: so you can act like she's not your best friend Janis: that you don't know that she's been like this to me for years Grace: you're my sister Grace: I can give you a million secrets you can use Grace: tell me how bad it is first Janis: I ain't interesting in playing your little games Grace: so what do you want me to do? Grace: I'm literally saying I'll be on your side Janis: You brought her, you get her to go away Grace: okay Janis: good Grace: for you, sure Janis: how do you always make yourself the victim Grace: how do you have the nerve to ask me to do something & still act like a bitch Grace: you said it, she's my best friend Grace: this isn't gonna backfire on you Janis: She's already fucking me over, it doesn't need to backfire Janis: and it's no one's fault but you're own that she's your friend Janis: don't expect sympathy Grace: you think she can't do worse than a few DM's Grace: oh honey Janis: I'm not scared of her, get a grip, for fuck's sake Grace: so happy for you Grace: you know what, handle it yourself Grace: hit her, do whatever Janis: yeah no shit Janis: you've not done anything about her a day in your life Grace: yeah cos it's so easy Janis: poor you Grace: don't talk to me Janis: make your mind up jesus Grace: go away Grace: I'm so done with you & this Janis: get the fuck over yourself Janis: you were buzzing at the chance for more petty mean girl bullshit with her Janis: do something with your life and she might give a shit again, you're not using me for your in Grace: I wanted to help you Grace: until you reminded me why that's THE WORST idea ever Janis: you never help anyone Janis: saying you're nice and helpful but then never doing it 'cos everyone else is THE WORST Janis: don't make it true Grace: oh please Grace: I've never said I'm nice or helpful Janis: oh please, you do constantly Janis: you can't take responsibility for shit, it's me, it's her, it's your shitty exes, yeah? Janis: maybe it's you, Grace, you're the common denominator Grace: okay thanks Grace: you're really helpful Janis: I don't want to help you Janis: let's be clear Grace: Great, so shut up Janis: no Janis: this is your fucking fault, you should get an nth of the bullshit I get Grace: me and Mia aren't the same person Grace: if I had any control over her I'd have used it way before now Janis: you think you're any better? Janis: at least she's upfront about it Janis: got some balls Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: you really are pathetic Grace: wow Janis: what Grace: if that's the best you can do, it's obvs why you wanted me to deal with her Janis: working with the material I'm given Janis: which is fuck all really, isn't it Janis: but no, you're known for your acerbic wit and silversharp tongue Janis: my mistake, please tell her off like you've never managed before Grace: are you like done yet or not? Janis: nope Janis: you actually thought I would ever come to you for help Janis: when have I ever needed you Grace: well you actually did so Grace: how awks Janis: It's actually awkward that you think me venting to you so you know what you started is a genuine cry for help Janis: your thing, can't take that from you Grace: if it's my thing I know the difference between venting & asking surely but go off babes Janis: Diego has less miscommunication in his life than you Grace: 👏 Janis: Genuinely Janis: you should really get help at school Janis: some kind of delay there Grace: yay we're back to how stupid I am Grace: been a min Janis: N'awh, not stupid Janis: probably a syndrome Janis: bet it's got a name, have a google Grace: 💜 Janis: let us know, get everyone to start talking really slowly at you and all Grace: I'm fine with none of you talking to me Grace: thanks though Janis: yeah Janis: that's why the only place you have to go is your sisters Janis: you've got no one but them so I'd get back on the 💜 train Janis: who the fuck would have you that ain't bound by bloodties and duty Grace: way ahead of you, babes Janis: stop slagging them off then as if you and me have a thing in common Grace: stop policing what I say Janis: say something worth hearing Grace: to you, no thanks Janis: to who Janis: already pointed out you have no one if you ain't got Mia Grace: obvs to no one then duh Janis: obvious for two reasons then Grace: sure Janis: 💔 Grace: yeah Janis: kiss and make up because everyone is sick of it Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: Serious Grace: Chill, I'm sure she'll be my date to the vow renewal Grace: are you done with dad I need a q & a? Janis: what Grace: it's a simple question, hun Grace: literally need to talk catering so like are you done or not Janis: what are you talking about Grace: Rio and Buster being the most extra couple ever Grace: like hello? did mum and dad not fill you in Janis: you better be fucking joking Grace: 🙄🙄 Janis: if you send one more emoji I'll shove that phone down your throat Janis: are you serious Grace: like I'd make up a 2nd wedding Grace: get a grip Janis: this is bullshit, obviously not Grace: they're already married, babes, they have a kid, you're kinda too late to object Janis: fuck off as if you support it Janis: no one does, no one wants to go to that that's why they had to do it alone Grace: exactly, they could care less if I do or not Janis: well no one cares what you think Janis: it's irrelevant Janis: the point is, why have another wedding no one wants Janis: this is the last thing anyone needs Grace: cos they are holding their breath waiting for your RSVP or opinion I'm sure Grace: he asked & she said yes, that's how it works Janis: shut the fuck up Janis: this is the most selfish thing I've ever Janis: she's so full of shit Janis: it won't be happening Grace: it literally is happening though Janis: no it isn't Janis: not when she gets called out on what a hypocritical lying cunt she is Janis: see how much you feel like celebrating then Grace: as much as this fam ever does Grace: one big party 24 7 Janis: nah, fat chance Janis: they've not destroyed enough they wanna rub everyone's face in it, don't think so Janis: 3 lives they utterly fucked, there's no celebrating that Grace: not the way they see it Grace: & it's how they see it that matters to them so Janis: It's easy enough to change their mind Janis: fuck's sake Grace: How? Janis: not going to be you that does it so what's it to you Janis: roll over quicker than anyone asks, you Grace: it won't be you either Grace: he'd have to tell her to call it off for her to listen Janis: like fuck it won't Janis: someone has to say it Janis: she was here last time and she ain't no more Grace: & what did it change? Grace: they did it then & they'll do it now Janis: You're a quitter, I'm not asking you to get on board Janis: she's gonna listen Grace: If any of us told you to stop seeing Jimmy, you wouldn't Grace: they love each other, get over it Janis: and she ain't me Janis: if she cares even a degree of what she fakes Janis: she won't want another death on her hands Janis: it's not hard when what they're doing is sick and wrong Grace: stop it Janis: nah, like fuck Janis: if you cared about those kids like you fake, you'd want them taken off them Janis: the shit they're going to get Janis: and you cry every day about your shit life Janis: he should know better, his parents being what they were Grace: None of us want any of this Grace: but it's too late Janis: it's always too late with you Janis: no you can't do anything 'cos you're fucking weak and you need them all Janis: I don't need any of you, you can all rot Grace: Janis, don't Janis: fuck this shit Janis: fuck you Janis: fucking catering are you out your fucking mind Janis: over my dead body Grace: Stop saying that Grace: OMG Janis: You act like she was the crazy one Janis: she did the only thing that made any sense Janis: getting away from this toxic fucking family anyway she could Janis: you aren't even a real person and it's their fault and you do nothing about it Grace: Please don't fucking go Janis: Why would I stay Janis: why would you Janis: they have no right to miss her, none of them Janis: they all gave her reasons to get so far out her head that she'd fucking Janis: fuck Rio, fuck mum and fuck dad Grace: I can't do this on my own Janis: We've never been together Janis: you'd pick them every time Janis: you'd help her plan her bullshit wedding that's about nothing but showing off how much she gives a fuck about no one but him Grace: Give me something to do that isn't leave or kill myself Grace: I'm going mental here Janis: you should hit up Ollie, see if he's about it Janis: can be just like her Janis: she's doing just fine Grace: There's worse things to be than like her Janis: there's nothing worse Grace: at least she's happy Janis: she will be until one of hers dies Janis: then she'll be broken and pathetic like mum and dad Janis: and she doesn't have the excuse of not knowing better Janis: she helped kill Edie and then thought of ways she could make that situation even worse Janis: she's worse than them and has the nerve to act like what, some kind of mother figure doing her best for all of us Grace: She cared about Edie & she cares about us Janis: not enough to do the right thing Janis: they never do Grace: it wouldn't have saved her Grace: you know that Janis: that makes it alright then Janis: if mum did it first Janis: break her some more Janis: damage already done Janis: too late Janis: you're so fucking brainwashed and what do you get from it Janis: are you happy Gracie Janis: 'cos you're fucking collateral Grace: of course I'm not Janis: then stop drinking the kool-aid and telling me how good it tastes Grace: Rio's trying to help me, she's the only one who is Janis: yeah her saviour complex done everyone real well Janis: Junior's life isn't fucked at all because she had to live it for him Grace: I'm just saying I'm not gonna walk away from her cos Edie would want me to Grace: Junior's life is fucked cos he has shit taste in men & goes along with what everyone else wants Janis: This family loved to surround itself with dead girls it was trying to help Janis: and you're happy to be one of 'em Janis: don't pretend you want other options Grace: I don't wanna die Janis: 🤞 she has a baby for you that she won't give you then Janis: you're never gonna be the one 'helping' Janis: you aren't her or mum Janis: that is your role if you don't get out the fucking show, Grace Grace: we've established I'm not helpful, babes Janis: we've established you aren't a person Janis: even this, you can't be real Janis: what the fuck will it take Grace: you don't want real from me Grace: you literally never have Janis: you've never offered Janis: and I ain't waiting around for you Grace: Every time I try & talk to you, you shut me down Grace: you obvs aren't waiting for anything from me Janis: When have you ever tried to talk about something that matters Janis: I'm not talking to you about hair when people are fucking dying Grace: when have you ever let me Grace: you're a bitch way before then Janis: why would I be nice to that Janis: You don't like me, I'm not begging you either Grace: nothing that matters to me matters to you Janis: the colour of your fucking lip doesn't matter period Grace: that isn't real Janis: You've never been real Janis: you don't give me a fucking chance Grace: I can't be real with you cos you just make fun of everything that I say or feel or do Janis: and you and your friend don't Janis: nah, everything I do hasn't been fucking wrong to you since before we got our periods Grace: I've never backed her up on anything she said Grace: I don't call you stupid or ugly or any of the shit you call me Janis: you just call be a bitch and annoying and weird Janis: so if all of that's fake, everything you roll your eyes at because I just don't get it, just admit, you don't want to be real with me Janis: never fucking have, pretending it's 'cos I don't wear heels has always been an excuse Grace: You are a bitch and I do find you annoying and weird Grace: & you don't get me or any of the things that are hard for me cos they aren't for you Janis: that makes it alright then, you can say whatever you like to me because you perceieve yourself as life's victim and it's all fine for me Grace: we have different problems Grace: I'm not saying your life is perfect, I'm not that stupid Janis: just better than yours so why should you even try to be nice Janis: landed you with a great crowd, that Grace: you think you're better than me Grace: you literally always have Janis: no, you think I'm better than you Janis: and I didn't tear myself down so you could use me to build yourself up Janis: you aren't her and I'm not you Janis: why do you think you fell into that kind of relationship Grace: you are better than me & it makes it really hard to be around you, okay Janis: thanks Grace: it's not like any of this is how I want it Janis: how can you sit here and expect sympathy Janis: when I'm the one who's left with no one Janis: you can deal with the shit and have friends and have them, I can't do that Grace: you think I'm dealing? LOL Janis: deal with theirs Janis: and they'll love you for it Janis: none of them are gonna call you a doormat, just me Janis: 'cos they need a yes man Grace: well maybe I wouldn't be here if they did call me out ever Grace: at least you tell me the truth Janis: well maybe it gets exhausting being the only one telling the truth Janis: do you think she liked having to have every conversation be a confrontation Janis: do you think I Grace: it's exhausting being fake too if you were thinking about swapping Janis: like I said, you've got plenty of company Janis: they all are Grace: Yeah but I'm the only one getting told to see a therapist Grace: like I'd know where to start Janis: told you Janis: love a dead girl Janis: breeding and 'fixing' people when they've got no business is this family's shared hobby Janis: reason they ain't try to section me, section her Janis: take your shoelaces, where's the fun in actually doing something Janis: say you will, fucking say you have, did Janis: but never actually do Grace: they couldn't section you, you're not mental Grace: her either Janis: give her a case when I say I'll top myself if she goes ahead with this wedding, won't I Grace: No Grace: if being angry was all it takes half this fam would be gone Grace: & the wedding wouldn't happen cos he's the worst for it Janis: they should be, that's the fucking problem Janis: seperate cells, all of 'em Janis: and yeah, he's a cunt Grace: You don't have long if you really wanna stop it Janis: yeah? Grace: they are rushing but obvs won't tell me why Grace: maybe they think people will try and stop them idk Janis: Brazil one probably wasn't even legal Janis: why should I care about their kids really Janis: why should I try and help any of them Grace: they're just babies, they didn't ask for any of this Janis: maybe not but maybe those two deserve for those kids to grow and turn 'round and tell them how much they hate them for doing this Janis: fuck it, I can't think straight Janis: maybe that's enough, maybe I just won't go, I'll be gone Grace: you'll come back though, right? Janis: can't think about that Janis: I should be happy right now Janis: but no Janis: can't Grace: you can be happy Janis: how can I Janis: it never stops it never goes away Grace: idk just worry about yourself like you always say to me Grace: forget about them Janis: can't do that when you're here Grace: forget about me Janis: no I mean Janis: I can't be here, I can't be anywhere near any of you and be happy Janis: and one reason to stay doesn't outweight all the reasons to go Grace: you're saying you're gonna leave him, aren't you Janis: this isn't fair on him Grace: it wouldn't be fair to do that Grace: on you either Janis: I know that, all he needs is someone who can stay Janis: I can't do it Grace: he loves you so he needs you Grace: you love him Janis: yes Grace: he'd go with you if you asked him Janis: the kids can't come Grace: why do they need to? he's got a dad, right? Janis: no Janis: they need him Janis: and he needs them Grace: oh Janis: it's not easy Janis: even if it feels easier than staying Janis: it's still so fucking hard Grace: I love you & if you only listen to one thing I ever say then Grace: you're really gonna regret it if you fuck things up with him Janis: I know Janis: but I should have never have let him in Grace: but you have now Grace: not to be that it's too late bitch again Grace: but like Janis: bad things happened to him too Janis: happen Grace: so don't hurt him Janis: that's all I ever do Grace: no Grace: that's faker than anything I've ever Grace: shut up Janis: I don't want to Janis: she didn't either, I don't think Janis: it's just Janis: seems like the only way to end it all, all the suffering Grace: nobody wants to, I don't think even Mia wants that, way deep down Janis: you can't end other people's, only your own Janis: but causing it means you're having some effect, right Grace: she had so much love in her, that's how she could do it, hurt people that deep Grace: so do you Grace: but you don't have to be like her Janis: I don't know what the alternative is Janis: like I said, it feels like someone HAS to be saying these things Grace: I think it's this Grace: trying Grace: being honest means being honest about like everything Janis: it's hard to do both Janis: that's the problem Janis: how can you tell Rio she's a hypocritical bitch that has ultimately put herself first and tell her she still held it down all those times we needed her to Grace: I know, babes, trust Grace: cos they can both be true Grace: I hate you & I love you Grace: nothing's just a or just b Janis: I guess the thing is, they get the rest from everyone else Janis: like you said Janis: you wouldn't be here if I didn't tell you the bad shit Janis: no one would Grace: you can still be the call out queen Grace: if he's the only person who sees the real you, maybe that's okay Grace: maybe its like that anyway Janis: it feels wrong Janis: we didn't always hate each other Janis: all of us Grace: I didn't always hate myself Grace: it's just Grace: things happen Janis: too many things have Janis: that shouldn't have Grace: Yeah exactly so don't make yourself unhappy Grace: there's been so much of it Janis: she died for nothing Janis: if more and more keeps happening Janis: just makes it more true Grace: she died for nothing anyway Grace: she was 16 Janis: and if I act like it, it's a problem Janis: but Rio gets to openly ruin more kids and we're meant to be happy Janis: I refuse, I won't do it Grace: she's just trying to be happy Grace: like you want to be Janis: no Janis: you don't get to try at the expense of a helpless fucking kid Janis: that you made Janis: that's not how it works, this is what I'm saying Janis: we aren't doing this again and pretending that that's alright Grace: I'm not saying don't tell her what you think Janis: how could she Janis: twice Grace: I don't know Grace: I don't know how she could fall in love with him or any of it Janis: it's not love Grace: she thinks it is, & she let it happen Grace: I don't understand that Janis: she's selfish or it's trauma-bonding Janis: she can have either Janis: but she won't admit it regardless Grace: of course she won't Grace: so just let it go Janis: no Janis: there's consequences to the shit you do Grace: they're her consequences to deal with Janis: and one of them is that I hate her and I'm not going to let her forget that Edie died hating her too Janis: it's not enough to yet again put it on some kids Janis: say hey, wait to see how bad the bullying gets and the doubt and all of it Janis: then turn around and say why the fuck did you two do this Janis: they hurt people Janis: and they still are Janis: they should care Grace: I think they do Grace: but idk if that's enough or not Grace: or what'll happen to those babies or any of us Janis: it isn't enough Janis: they aren't Grace: what I know is if you keep hating like Edie did it'll hurt you like it hurt her Grace: you have to stop Janis: we should be hurting Janis: she shouldn't be happy Janis: none of us should Grace: we are Grace: that doesn't mean you have to ruin everything for yourself Grace: that you can't ever be happy Janis: I'm not ruining anything Janis: it's ruined Janis: nothing has changed Janis: so no, we shouldn't be happy Grace: Edie literally wanted you to be Grace: & we were 12 so much has changed Janis: like what Grace: like you letting someone in Grace: being happy even if you think you shouldn't Grace: we're talking now that wouldn't have ever happened Grace: if you hate me more than you did 4 years ago that's still change, babes Grace: you can't stand still for her Janis: I'm not going to pretend we're blessed to live to make more mistakes Grace: do better like everyone says they are gonna but don't Janis: no thanks Janis: I'm not righting all this family has done wrong Janis: that's what they think they can do Janis: Rio and Buster, and they've already failed Grace: I'm not even talking about them though Grace: just do better for you Grace: stay with him, feel something idk Janis: I don't know if I can Grace: I can't answer that for you Grace: do you wanna try or not? Janis: It's not that simple Grace: with that attitude no Janis: no, it just isn't Janis: you haven't been in love, have you? Grace: no Janis: well it's like Janis: sometimes what you want, and even what they think they want, might not be what's right for them Janis: and if you really loved them Janis: you'd want what was best for them, wouldn't you Grace: you are what's best for him though Grace: I've seen you together, wayyyy more than I wanted to Grace: & I lowkey stalked him before that so Janis: lowkey is debatable Grace: thank you for focusing in on the right thing OMG Janis: I'm not trying to be a cunt for once right now but you know Janis: I don't think you can say what's best for him Janis: me either, really Janis: idk Janis: I wish I did know then I'd just do it Grace: so let him say it Grace: be there to give him the chance like Janis: that's not me Janis: I can't be the one getting left Grace: & he can? Janis: no Grace: so do you love him enough to let him really hurt you or not Janis: its all stupid anyway Janis: we only just met Grace: I don't think that's the point, babes Janis: it is, even some of yours lasted longer than this and you weren't in love with them Grace: hello I'm fake Grace: & a hoe Janis: I didn't intend to be real Grace: he can't do fake that's not your fault hun Grace: his face is a dead giveaway like literally always Janis: you can take hints then Janis: just ignore 'em Janis: good to know Grace: I'm not brain damaged Grace: you just wish I were Janis: why would I want that Janis: sounds dead irritating, if anything Grace: cos otherwise I'm just stupid Grace: no excusing that Janis: you're not you're just infuriating Grace: cute but yeah I am Janis: nothing cute about it Janis: it's ugly all the shit you pretend Grace: duh it suits me then Janis: yeah yeah Grace: yeah we can pretend that's why no one wants me instead of what the truth is Janis: what's the truth then Grace: that I am just ugly Grace: so my personality might as well be Janis: nah Janis: truth is, you don't wanna die, like you said Janis: if that's what it takes for you to survive Grace: I'm too scared, like I am of a lot of things Grace: but like I also said, things change Janis: it's scary Grace: if I ever do it get mum's old oujia board out & I'll let you know what happens next Grace: like a liveblog Janis: oh great Janis: here's me thinking I'd get some peace and quiet, like Grace: EW what if heaven's like a really amazing nightclub vibe & they don't let me in Janis: what do you wanna go to heaven for Janis: it's like here without all the interesting bits Janis: at least hell is offering a bit of something new Grace: UM cos I'm not into bdsm unless the boy's like really fit Janis: you'll be fine then Janis: Lucifer is famously too hot for heaven, like Grace: oh yeah I totally forgot Janis: grand scheme of bible teachings, probably encouraged to be a bit quiet on that one Janis: black nan be buzzing Grace: catch me sinning really hard from now until I kms so he's into me Grace: sorry nan Janis: really gonna try and be his favourite sinner Janis: 😏 Grace: You'll love it cos I promised Rio no boys & she'll be really 😠😠😠 Grace: 💜me perdoe, irmã eu tenho que pecar💜 Janis: 😂 Janis: gonna point out that there are 7 other sins Janis: and those are just the deadly ones, like Grace: yeah but like Grace: it's the one that'll get his attention easiest Grace: boys are so quick to get jealous Janis: the devil has and always will be a gentleman, babe Janis: not a fuckboy Janis: rethink the tactic probs Grace: excuse me that gluttony & sloth aren't moods for an attractive corpse Janis: hello it's your soul you're taking Janis: not a zombie fuckfest Grace: UM I still need all my exes devastated at my funeral thanks Grace: don't let anyone touch my hair though or I will haunt you Janis: ha your plastic weave gonna be there long after the rest of you is dust Janis: as for your exes Janis: got to think numbers Grace: RUDE Janis: alright for you to say, you won't be handing out sausage rolls to however many identical unimpressed looking white boys Grace: neither will you Grace: a glance to check I'm in there & you can go, babes Janis: oh please Janis: can't make me go to this farce of a wedding but doubt I'm getting out of a funeral that easy Grace: I'll literally write in my will so bye bitch Janis: cute you think the dead's wishes are getting honoured around here Janis: whether she wanted us to be miserable or happy, we're all doing shit regardless Janis: can't say she wanted us to muddle through ad infinitum Grace: she still died we can't just move on ASAP Janis: why it's better to be team miserable Janis: a case can be argued even if we aren't committing enough Grace: I'm sure your bf will be down his face is always 😒 Janis: you fancy him not me Grace: ew Janis: mhmm Grace: you can go ahead and put that wayyyyy into past tense thanks so much Janis: 😏 Janis: convincing Grace: I literally only wanted to hook up with him Grace: not gonna do that now so Janis: that's all you do with any boy so Grace: duh Grace: he's only special to you Grace: no boy is to me Janis: don't be gay Janis: x2 Grace: don't be homophobic Grace: it's gross & retro Janis: whatever Janis: every gay I know is a twat Janis: tell me it ain't related Grace: same tbh Grace: 🤔🤔 Janis: doesn't help they're related to me and all but when I'm right, I'm right Grace: you don't know any others? Janis: dunno anyone do I Janis: if you cunts are boring, not like the ones at school are any better craic Grace: idk who you hang with now bitch Janis: 🙄 Janis: yeah decided I want loads of mates Grace: you got a bf so who knows Janis: told you that was a mistake Janis: accident, whatever Janis: not a habit Grace: you could be making friends by mistake Grace: obvs so likeable Janis: I'd rather not Grace: 👌 Janis: every twat's the same 'round here Grace: true Janis: nah no more people Janis: undecided what I'm doing as is Grace: it's a mood Janis: bollock Janis: you hate being alone, famously Grace: duh but idk what I'm doing Janis: hiding at Rio's rn Grace: thanks Grace: not what I meant tho Janis: then you'll have to be more specific Grace: whatever Grace: how are there no parties tonight??! ugh Janis: probably for the best Grace: it's really not Grace: school's gonna start soon Janis: astute Janis: you check the calendar Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: do you know of any I don't? Janis: wouldn't tell you if I did Grace: that's so rude Janis: forgot why you've got a pity sofabed atm or what babe Grace: that wasn't a party & I wasn't gonna invite him to be my date tonight Janis: makes no odds, and dates a pretty loose term for 'you can frig me off in a random's lounge whilst their parents are out' as well Grace: it is shorter to type though so Janis: ha Janis: hilarious Grace: no just why I used it Janis: stick to babysitting Grace: I'm going out it'll just have to be somewhere else Janis: not doing this again Janis: got things i need to do now thanks to this awful fucking news Grace: not stopping you Janis: yeah right Grace: literally can't Janis: if you didn't want stopping, you wouldn't fucking tell me Janis: not after last time Janis: but I'm telling you, I ain't gonna be in any state so leave it out Grace: excuse me if for someone with no friends you have a lot of party invites Janis: called being likeable Janis: try it Grace: obvs & I obvs can't Janis: you don't try very hard Grace: LOL Grace: like I said, being fake is exhausting too babes Janis: well stop Janis: that's why no one likes you Janis: you're too much it weird everyone out Grace: I literally just said I can't Grace: but thanks Janis: how hard is it to shut your mouth for 5 minutes Grace: for you very Grace: so like idk why you're telling me to Janis: cos like idk I'm trying to help you! Grace: no you're not Grace: you're trying to get me to shut up cos you have so much to do Grace: you can just go Janis: sadly not Janis: waiting Grace: feel free to wait in silence Janis: why would I do that Grace: why not Grace: so easy Janis: nah Janis: I'm likeable, dying to hear what I've got to say Janis: too likeable to be off my phone rn so you'll have to deal with it Grace: 💜 Janis: I mean it, make sure one of them is sober Janis: I've got plans here Grace: I don't need you Grace: do what you want Janis: blatantly untrue Janis: made a massive twat of yourself last time Janis: which was, by the way, 2 days ago Janis: consider you have a problem Grace: & I'm so sure I will again but like it's my problem Janis: not though is it Janis: you checked out this entire convo Janis: affects all of us Grace: read back your own responses where everything is shit & we all deserve to suffer & nothing matters Janis: so sit and think about what you've done all alone Janis: that is suffering Grace: no thanks Janis: cool just ruin my night Janis: again Grace: it's not about you Janis: yeah it is Grace: no Janis: yep Janis: already ruined one plan so tah Janis: have to carry out this one after Grace: 👌👌 Janis: in a bit, cunt Grace: 👋 Janis: you really aren't subtle Janis: you know how easily I could forward this all to Rio, like Janis: think on Grace: then do it Grace: you love telling on me it's your thing now Janis: it is funny Janis: acting out doesn't really work if you keep telling before you do it Janis: not your thing by a long stretch Grace: I'm going out it's not a dramatic storm out Janis: yeah to get fingered 'cos you hate your ugly, stupid self, by your own admission Janis: so casual Janis: so not why the therapists are being booked Grace: literally so done talking to you now Grace: this convo has gone on forever Janis: it's cool it's forwarded Janis: 4G is amazing, idk where the fuck I am Janis: still, so fast Grace: wow Grace: I'll be impressed later like Janis: won't have the time Janis: though the drive back to mum and dad's is a fair while, yeah, you could use that time to really reflect Grace: I'll obvs make it for you, babes Janis: obvs Janis: fucking sad Grace: 💔 Janis: bet that felt like a moment Grace: mhmm Janis: n'awh Grace: yeah Janis: if you don't get some standards, honestly Grace: that's really working for you, yeah? Grace: it won't be any easier when he hates you than when he loves you, you know that Grace: get a grip Janis: like you'd know the first thing about it Grace: like you do either Grace: duh why you're terrified Janis: love a bit of projection Grace: okay sure Janis: not the one that freaks out when boys touch her Grace: so Grace: you're still gonna be alone anyway Janis: and? Grace: it doesn't matter if you push him away & if I'm getting pushed away by whatever lad Grace: even if you wanna use things I've said against me rn Janis: and you're the one that can't stand being alone Grace: oh sure keep pretending you love that but I'm so fake Janis: if I was fazed, I would've done something about it before now, what with how likeable I am to boys and girls Janis: no begging from my end Grace: you love him you literally admitted it Grace: stop Janis: and that matters because Grace: he loves you too Grace: you can't act like that doesn't matter Janis: sure can Janis: don't push me Grace: You're so stupid Janis: awh Janis: you are if you think there's any salvaging already Janis: like I could stick around with all that you threw at me Grace: me? Janis: yes, you Grace: how are you so delusional actually Janis: you couldn't want to tell me all about the stupid wedding Janis: you didn't have to Janis: mum and dad didn't for a fucking reason clearly Grace: you pushed me like you always do Janis: nah Janis: you dropped that like it was nothing Grace: you were being horrible for no reason like you always are Janis: the reason is you and your self-confessed shit personality but sure Janis: if it makes you feel better about the whole thing Grace: the reason was Mia but sure blame me again Janis: give a shit about Mia Janis: it was the wedding and you know it Janis: and you knew it and that's the only reason you said it Grace: I can't take it back now Janis: yeah well me either Grace: I didn't mean to just drop it on you like that Janis: whatever Janis: you want some attention, have at it 'cos I'm about to undo tonight Grace: why can't you stop Janis: why would I Grace: that's obvious Grace: undo whatever you've done to him instead Janis: how Janis: how the fuck do you reckon I can do that Grace: however he needs you to Grace: grow the fuck up & be sorry & try Janis: go to hell Janis: you're so fucked Janis: you care more about him than you do me what the hell is wrong with you Grace: I care about you Grace: for god's sake Janis: that's why you ain't once asked where I am or who I'm waiting for Janis: stop fucking talking about him Grace: cos I'm really scared what the answer is Grace: don't you understand that Janis: well it ain't Drew so my odds of leaving unmolested are slightly up Janis: though not his type, I don't reckon Grace: Every time you do this I freak out that it'll be the last time Grace: you won't come back cos either you don't want to or you can't Grace: if he's the only reason for you to stay then of course I want you to be with him Grace: I'm not sorry for that Janis: Well I can try for you but I don't think going catatonic and then bolting off is much of a turn-on Janis: 'specially not Janis: nah Janis: she kept this up for ages, good times, eh Grace: Talk to him Janis: gonna need to take this shit first Grace: Please don't Grace: I'm sorry for everything I've said and done literally ever okay Janis: yeah Janis: know you are Grace: Janis Janis: sorry alright Janis: and I never sent nothing to Rio so you can go Grace: I'll come to you Grace: wherever Grace: you don't have to Janis: I really meant it when I said idk where I am Grace: we can figure that out Grace: & I'll tell him it's all my fault, whatever you want Grace: he knows what a nightmare I am Janis: it's my fault Janis: this would've happened at some point yeah Grace: it's me, I'll fix it Grace: just give me a landmark to aim at first Janis: he was from Janis: Ballyfermot, yeah Janis: even worse than Tallaght, I remember she said Janis: don't come here I just need to Janis: aim back Grace: I can't just sit here like 🤞🤞 Grace: that's all this fam ever does Janis: shit Janis: this was really stupid he was horrible Grace: are you okay??? Janis: okay, I'll put my location on but I'll start moving, just meet me halfway Janis: one of Edie's old dealers/boyfriends Janis: said she had the right idea, yeah Grace: I can't even with that Grace: I'm in a car now so just move Janis: who is it Grace: just me obvs Grace: I'm not getting any of them involved Grace: I have an app for a reason like Janis: right no Janis: good Janis: just don't tell your uber driver I'm packing Grace: duh Grace: what are you gonna do with it though? Janis: can't just chuck it Janis: what if a dog eat it Janis: or a little kid Janis: kinda looked like some weird sour sweet you know Grace: find a really really gross bin Janis: or, could keep it and take it when he won't speak to me eh Grace: that's not funny Janis: I know Grace: I can't even breathe rn Janis: told you I couldn't pick you up Janis: tweaked driving is probably marginally better than drunk but still Grace: if he did something to you, you literally have to tell me Janis: he didn't, I swear Janis: he was just Janis: chatting about how he missed her and I wanted to ram his meth teeth down his throat Janis: bet he barely remembers her name Grace: that's horrible Grace: fuck Janis: he looked so old Janis: but I'm thinking it was just the drugs taking their toll, no way did she Janis: I hope not Grace: I don't wanna think about it but like Janis: I wanted to mug him, like Janis: show I ain't no hypocrite Janis: but I couldn't Grace: you can't do this again ever Janis: I don't wanna make promises I can't keep Janis: but like Janis: I don't even wanna take it, it smells and looks so Janis: toxic Grace: I will literally kill you if you die Janis: I don't know how much longer I can do this Janis: 4 years and I Grace: stop Grace: I'll help you Grace: I mean it, I'll do whatever you want Janis: I'm just so angry all the time Janis: and mean Grace: you can shout at me rn if you wanna, I'm already crying Grace: this driver has seen some shit Janis: people should be nice to you Janis: sorry your friends are dicks Grace: I should be nice to people Janis: fucking state of us Grace: idk how to be different Grace: it's been so long, before Edie even Grace: literally who am I? Janis: me either Janis: if I give up being angry Janis: give up her Janis: what have I got Grace: you never have to give her up Janis: I think I do a bit Janis: she couldn't make herself happy, I can't do it for myself and her Grace: she'd want you to be happy, I was so serious Grace: she was coming to see you Janis: us Grace: no Grace: she hated me & it was totally mutual Janis: but she loved you and that was too Janis: can't not Grace: if anything she was coming to ruin whatever tween celebrations I had planned cos that'd make you happy Janis: I can't remember anything about that day Grace: me either Grace: how can it not feel real when it's the realest thing that ever happened Janis: how did we find out Janis: who told us Janis: I don't know, genuinely Janis: not like when I pretend I've forgotten things Grace: I feel like it was dad but maybe I've made that up Grace: cos of after Grace: idk Grace: we should know that, shouldn't we? Janis: yeah Janis: that's the problem, right Janis: 9 kids, to tell Janis: sort of thing you want to do one on one but then some would know before ithers and how Janis: how would you do that 9 times Janis: he must've just, Janis: it must've just came out Grace: how would you even do it once Grace: I can't talk about anything ever Grace: literally not an exaggeration Janis: I told Jimmy she ran away for good Janis: not that she's dead, that we know where she's gone Grace: you don't owe him the story if you don't wanna tell it, babes Grace: everyone knows so much of our business Janis: their mum Janis: they don't know where she is Grace: like she just left? Janis: I think so Grace: how old was he? Grace: that's so sad Janis: I don't know, I don't ask he's just Janis: we've both said some stuff Janis: but Bobby is 6 so Grace: you wanna talk, can't relate but Janis: sometimes it feels almost right, like he'd get it Grace: yeah Grace: A lad once said to me 'you don't fuck like you've got a dead sister' like word for word that's what he said Grace: what does that even mean, you know Janis: people are so fucking weird Janis: does he mean you weren't sobbing at the time or that you weren't giving it your all like you've seen death so you know life now Grace: I didn't ask for clarification Grace: I just threw up and left Grace: but like it'd be nice if someone understood it, maybe Janis: nicer than that doesn't take much but Janis: maybe it's worse Janis: and maybe I'm a dick for comparing Grace: but maybe he wants someone to understand too Grace: it's really lonely getting left all the time Janis: Grace Grace: ?? Janis: are you sure you don't want him Grace: EW Janis: you'd be much nicer Grace: no I wouldn't Janis: well you wouldn't run Grace: yeah I would Grace: just not like physically cos 👠 Janis: if he fucks Mia I'll cry I think Janis: then kill her Grace: he would never!!! Grace: he hates her and she's livid about it Grace: like same but I'm relieved Janis: it's only been a few hours right Janis: maybe I can Janis: oh God, I'll have to explain the entire Buster and Rio saga if I even want to explain tonight Grace: I'll drop you off if I ever get there Janis: hope your driver isn't the kidnap kind Grace: Don't that would be the perfect end to my evening Grace: he lives by nan & grandad, right? maybe I'll go there Janis: k but you'll have to share the bed if he won't let me in Grace: lowkey would have to give you the bed cos it's my fault so 🤞🤞 he does Grace: so over sofas OMG Janis: should make Saint swap you Janis: he'd fall for it Grace: my back hurts so much okay I haven't done yoga since I was like 8 Janis: should join mother on the lawn Grace: 😱😱😱 Grace: mhmmm LIVING for any direct comparisons between me & her Janis: defs gonna slutshame her into dressing her age Grace: ughhhh Grace: how could you ever sit him down for dinner with them Janis: you know, take the piss out of them relentlessly behind their back Janis: feel him up a bit under the table, standard Grace: thanks for that mental 📷 I didn't want or need, hun Janis: soz Grace: he's hot but like you're also there so Grace: awks Janis: I won't take offense Janis: though my ego is wounded Grace: nbd I just haven't been a hoe for a while & that's obvs everything I am rn Janis: didn't you Janis: fair boy Grace: the one who left or the one who you kept blowing up my phone every sec I was with Grace: cos either way no Janis: oh Janis: well, doubt you're missing much on either score Grace: I know exactly what I'm missing with my ex thanks Grace: & I don't hook up with 19 year olds who lie to me Janis: not good Grace: like you said, this town is full of the same kind of people Janis: how is it so crap Janis: with some lads Janis: like Grace: they don't care Grace: I've spent hours memorising every clip they like but there's no getting any of the same back Janis: relatable but still Janis: felt more getting a checkup at the drs Grace: you have to put it in for most of them cos they don't even understand the layout but they'll still ask you if it was good Grace: imagine being that confident Janis: I am Janis: but not gay Janis: soz ladies Grace: 💔 Janis: don't you 💔 weirdo Grace: it's for the one hot white boy you stole by being hetero so Janis: I offered and you ew'd Janis: let the record show Grace: shut up Janis: he's probably so single now Grace: STOP Grace: it's been like a hour or something Janis: I ran away Janis: he's gonna be so Grace: Babe Grace: just make him understand Janis: no pressure Grace: well duh Grace: there's a reason I don't let boys that close to me Janis: you're saying it like I don't know Janis: not my first rodeo Janis: it just happened Grace: you know what you did, that's more than any ex I've ever had Janis: well Janis: done now Grace: Yeah Janis: should I wait or tell him I'm alright now on here Grace: I'd wanna know you were okay but you know him Grace: is it better to just show up? Janis: I think he'd wanna know too but like Janis: ugh fuck it Janis: wish me luck Grace: obvs

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Omgg I'm about to cry.

Snappy from Amazon gave me a $50 credit for a free gift this holiday after I was having such a hard time today emotionally about all this stuff about a girl who doesn't even think about me.

It made me feel great to know one of the things I asked for was actually coming to me for free.

I wanted a new smoothie blender because the only had, I had left at my grandmother's house in Grand Rapids, the one who passed cause she had sorta kicked me out after that fight about my hamster...wtf lol I don't even wanna bring it up lol....

But yea not funny story. I'm just thankful.

And to have all these blessings coming to me for my hard work and after all that suffering.

Almost a reminder to appreciate the good things and not just keep complaining about the past and what I struggled with or still am struggling with...

Like my sexuality, money management, driving, taking better care of myself, and knowing how to let go instead of holding a grudge that could hold me up from receiving more blessings.

I definitely need to go see a therapist though, but I get so frustrated and tired after work that I don't even wanna go out or do shit. I'd rather just be at home alone again and go back to work later so I could shop around and then go to asleep 😴

I'm so drained rn and I gotta go to my parents so I can be there for Thanksgiving.

Then right back here to my apartment on Friday but then I gotta work right after I get home.

Like damn can I get a full day's rest.

I don't even wanna dress nice or get cute, but at the same time I do cause it's been a month since I wore makeup really and got freshened up like a girly girl.

But often I've been tomboying it for work and I get tired and hungry so there's no time to do it.

Even my hair I get stressed out about or if I just miss one day from washing my face cause it's that much of a crunch to leave the house, get an uber or a lyft to the nearest stop instead of walking 45mins in the cold.

Then I gotta wait but pay attention to see if the actual bus is still on its way or if it's delayed and if it is I gotta call customer service just so I can prearrange another uber to get me to my next stop and I just started leaving 2hrs earlier in case those sorry fucks actually do have a bus that didn't show and I can wait outside for a whole nother hour or go shopping to the closest store to stay warm.

Yes it's alot of stress revolving around leaving. But thank God my aunty said I could have my other grandma's car, I'd just have to pay for maintenance which could be near 200-300 dollars depending on what needs to be fixed. Also I got drivers Ed, now that's a whole nother story since technically my pay is gonna be short January and February due to me starting this office job.

Which is why I'm so scared to even spend any money on me like I was before because I gotta be patient for the biweekly checks instead of the weekly ones from Amazon.

The training pay is ok, but after I pass the training tests it goes up to be more than what I'm making now and I'll be working on carpet and THANK GOD NO MORE SLEEP DEPRIVATION 🙏 back to 8-10hrs of sleep 😇

I never thought I missed sleep so bad, but I actually do. I function alot smoother, kinder, less babyish,and less short of a tempur or ptsd reactions because I noticed I'm drained after coming to work having to manage the inconsistencies of the bus routes that I'm living near now.

I ride 3hrs to and from and it's 3 different buses. So if one miss or is late, I'm behind schedule already.

I hate leaving 2hrs earlier than I would if I stayed with my parents but shit the area is nicer, there's plenty of more restaurants and stores nearby that I can walk to from the apartment or just go by bus. Also I love living with my roommate and their dogs because it's like when he's here (their ftm) I'm a big softie around the pups and they're so freaking huge and tall with softvwhite fur. And I like that I get along with him too, we watch Netflix and anime sometimes. And even today I made him an omelet with bacon, cheese, and Kale and I bought us a pumpkin pie for later on.

Last night we shared the special LGBT Pride Wine that was Sparkling Sweet Rosé flavor. It was so pretty and it actually did taste sweet, no dry bitter ends like most Rosé wines I've had.

I made me a mimosa with it this morning. So good.

L bought me Chicken Alfredo since we both had a pasta craving. I just like that we can help each other out and I can help him take out the dogs to go potty.

I can't believe how amazing this feels to say I don't have a crush on my roommate and we can bros. Because I used to be so worried about that since I wasn't finding anyone else to talk to on the dating apps as far as girls.

But L he's definitely a good bro. No weird shit. Not even checking each other out or looking at each other's chest or bodies. Nothing out of the platonic sanctum.

Minus last night, but I think it was the wine mixed with me feeling alone after noticing that my ex sex buddy/friend lied about something serious like that.

It was ironic how loose and switched I was. Where one side was platonic, and the other was like no, don't look.at him that way you're just hungry for attention, so I fell asleep on the couch right after and then L woke me and Said you sleep, you should go to bed and we laughed. Cause we were in the middle of just watching our show lol Young Royals on Netflix 😆