#god id been working on that all day its my fault for forgetting to save but

[cyber-seagull404]

Just lost 3537 points in voltorb flip because my game froze feelin bad :C

[disney-rapunzel-merida-vanellope]

Over the moon very messy review (spoilers)

I wasn’t really planning on watching it today but it was so praised on my pot early on that i just had too

And..... I’m confused...

It has some VERY good scenes, plot points, characters, songs, sceneries and some VERY bad scenes, plot points, characters, songs, lyrics and sceneries

I wanted to start by being positive but this whole thing got mixed up

So here’s my thoughts:

- loved chang’e (i gotta google this cause i thought it was chungha like.... chungha the idol). Love her design, love her voice, love her attitude. Best character, never boring. Tall as fuck goddess. She’s right there with eris from sinbad. Muah kisses the chef. Her hair, makeup, outfits, facial expressions. Idk if the voice actress is the same for speaking and singing but the singer from Hamilton is so so good, she made me not mind the godawful lyrics. I wanted more screen time for her cause she honestly saved the movie

- the protagonist girl fei fei is a bit of a positive and negative of the movie. She’s cute but very cliche. There’s 273648 characters like her. Her problems are very real and relatable but u cant just help sigh and think of her as a dramatic teenager u know? I do feel bad and see my teenage self in her cause i do understand but.... shes super dramatic still. I mean.... she went to the fucking moon to avoid her father getting married shes crazy. She went to all that trouble to learn how to make a rocket just to avoid him remarrying... i understand the frustration one might feel, it never happened to me but if it did id probably have very mixed and selfish feelings about it too, but her and the father really should have just talked. A simple conversation would have let her know that he’s lonely but never ever would forget the mother. And the father had time, he just didnt do it so the fault is not all on her. But i guess there would be no movie if they talked, would there?

- the motivations in this movie dont make sense or are just weak.... fei fei wants to build a rocket to the moon to avoid her father from remarrying? Dumb. She wants a pic as proof? Dumb. The brother wants the pic to help the sister? Ok... but he’s literally an 8 year old, they dont give a shit about none of that specially one that just met u. Chang’e wants the gift which is understandable but... why the potion?? Literally just to give the bunnies a love plot thats dumb af. Also, did she really took both immortal pills or whatever it was? It was implied multiple times that she was selfish but idk if she cleared that out

-i loved the Chinese town. Super cozy and friendly. Love how the river is so integral to it like in real life i assume. It’s just so different from the ocident i love it. Please more movies featured in Asia cause they have many gorgeous cultures. I love the sense of community and family, the little details and the food aspect of it. I love how Asian countries combine modern with old so much so that atsome point i didnt really know what year the movie was supposed to be set in.

- the “pre meeting step mother” part of the movie was the best along with chang’e’s scenes. I almost cried even tho the moment the mother fell i knew she was gonna die. I’m getting very emotional with these scenes as i get older even tho both my parents are still alive but i guess those scenes just make me think about when the worse will happen and i dont wanna think of it of course. But the mother was so great and kind. I really felt their bond and love between mother and daughter. And father but u know.

- the bunny was so fucking cute!!!! Until...... it gained super powers and decided to stay with the ugly green love interest?? Wtf... like wtf that was so unnecessary??? A love plot for the bunnies?? Why??? Whyyyyyyyyyyy

- the moon city wasn’t anything special... apart from shiny it was very bland. I wish they had kept more of Chinese culture in it but i did see something on chang’e’s room i think

- every single comic refiro in this movie was BEYOND THE MOON ANNOYING!!!!!!! I understand, even tho i dont aprove it, the existence of the annoying ass 8 year old brother.... BUT THE GREEN DOG TOO???? WHYWHYWHYWHY AND HE SINGS??? NO SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!! He had a cute design but everytime he was there and opened his mouth i just wanted to shoot him I’m not kidding i hate him! NOT TO MENTION that he basically did the relationship development between the siblings in the brothers place!!!! Why does the dog exist????? Fei fei should have bounded in the adventure with the brother!!!! Oh i hated that so much..... I’m so mad.... without the green dog the movie wouldn’t have these weak as hell points

- the ending where the lover fades was ok but just ok. I feel like it was either too rushed and he was disappearing before i even noticed and before he even said anything meaningful or it should have been like the one in onward. It just had little impact imo

- the songs have GREAT VOCALS, the singers are definitely the best part, catchy instrumentals, even tho I’m starting to agree that these movies rely too much on pop songs and not actually musical worthy songs, and the lyrics are bad, really bad.... corny too. So basically about the songs: great vocals, ok instrumentals, bad lyrics. But I’m sure ill rewatch chang’e’s songs cause i love her. Maybe the songs will grow on me with time who knows

- the humor is very modern and i just dont think it fits these kind of movies... the same happened with Moana. It just doesn’t fit the epic adventure with gods vibe i think? It’s also just bad. The comic reliefs were annoying, there’s really no other word, but even the humor from other characters or scenes didnt work

- there’s some very inventive animation here, i loved how they used 2d art even tho i wanted more of it. I love glen keane and how his art style translated. I feel like we can see a bit of him on his disney work but here it just really looked like his art u know? Really good

- i dont like the “the movie had a good message so its good” kind of thought cause many terrible movies have great messages and many great movies have repetitive messages. I thought the message in this movie was a bit repetitive but what made it different for me was that both characters were grieving the loss of different loves, motherly and romantic, and yet they were feeling the same and had to help each other and move on. I dread the day that comes for me. It was nice for fei fei to feel she wasn’t the only one with that pain even tho she just had to move on if she was.

Ok so i think thats it

I think this review i came out too negative but I’m just really torn. There’s some parts of this movie that I couldn’t get enough of and, unfortunately, other parts that were making me wanna turn it off.... i could have ignored the cliches but the 2 very annoying comic characters were too damn much

But i think the positives outweigh the negatives even so

I think I’ll give it a 6/10 or 6.5

Klaus is still my fave animated Netflix movie

[heyyyharry]

Open Book

(from the Flatmate!Harry Series)

…in which Y/N meets a stranger in the library, and Harry’s got new problems to face.

Warning: mostly fluff and a bit of naughty texting, also this is the longest chapter so far I think so probably there’s a bunch of mistakes in here because I was too frustrated to edit. 😂

(I wanted to update my other series In Another Life before this but I accidentally deleted half of the third chapter of that series so yeah I’m just gonna update this first. This chapter is really long, I hope it’s not too confusing because it’s hard to write when the main characters are in two different locations and timezones. This motivates me to bring Harry home sooner (or maybe bring Y/N to Harry?). Anyway, enjoy and drag me if you must, my inbox is open!)

.

Y/N is one of the few people left in the library tonight. There’s an exam coming up so she plans to stay here until closing hour. Despite trying to focus on her text book, Y/N can’t help but notice the guy sitting two tables away has been staring at her ever since she sat down. He looks away whenever their eyes meet, it’s very obvious, but Y/N doesn’t care. She just wants to finish this chapter then comes home to call Harry.

It’s 8PM now, the library is closed so Y/N has to leave. She makes her way to the bus stop on her own, subconsciously thinking about Harry like she always does, until her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of someone else’s footsteps.

She’s not alone.

There’s this middle-aged man walking behind her. She speeds up, he speeds up, she slows down, he slows down. Y/N’s first thought is maybe she should call Harry, but then she remembers he’s living on the other side of the world now, he cannot be here to save her.

“Y/N!”

Y/N spins around immediately. Her eyes flicker with a light of hope when she sees the boy in the library walking towards her. The middle-aged man notices as well, then ends up quickly walking away. He cannot do anything to her now that a tall and strong young man suddenly appears.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know who you are and how you know my name but thank you for saving my life,” she says quickly in one breath, which makes the guy laugh in response.

“You left your notebook behind, your name was on it,” he tells her with a gentle smile and returns the notebook to its rightful owner. “That man was such a creep. Why are you walking home alone at night?”

“It’s okay, I do it all the time,” she assures him, but he shakes his head to disagree.

“You shouldn’t. To be honest I used the notebook as an excuse to talk to you but I’m glad I’d showed up before anything bad happened.“

Y/N is rooted to her spot for a brief moment, eyes wide, mouth agape, astounded. She’s not sure what to say after hearing that, being flirted with by a stranger is never her speciality.

“I—um…I’ve got a boyfriend,” she blurts out. The look on his face after that makes her cheeks turn red. “God, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I just assumed you were flirting I—”

“I was.”

“Sorry?”

“I was,” he repeats with a slight chuckle at her cute reaction. “But don’t worry, I respect that. I can’t say I’m not disappointed but it’s fine if you’re taken.”

“Thanks.” Thanks? Y/N’s inner self rolls her eyes, wondering why the hell would she even say something so dumb. “I should get going now.”

“Where do you live? I’ll drive you home.”

Y/N gives the boy a funny look as she reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t offer a stranger a ride! I could be a psychopath!”

“Well.” He shrugs. “What are the chances that we’re both psychopaths?”

“You expect me to get in the same car with you after that?” She squints her eyes at him, smiling a little bit.

As if just waiting for that, the guy takes out his ID from his wallet then hands it to her, trying not to laugh when he sees how surprised she is.

“You can take a photo of my ID and send it to any of your friends, maybe your boyfriend, so if something happens to you I’ll take full responsibility.”

“Wow, okay, I believe you, Ethan.” She reads the information on the card before putting it into the pocket of her jacket. “But…I’m keeping this until I get home safe.”

“Alright miss.” Ethan’s radiant smile is soon to reappear. “Shall we go?”

...

Harry’s whole face lights up when his girlfriend appears on the laptop screen. 

“Hi baby!” he says while rubbing the sleep from his eyes and asks her where she’s been.

“I told you I was studying at the library.” Y/N knows it’s wrong to tell your boyfriend only half of the story when she’s promised to never hide anything from him. But things are different now that he’s not here anymore, she can’t just tell him she was in danger when the guy who had been checking her out in the library came to save her and drove her home! He would freak out then spend the whole day worrying for sure!

“I forgot. Ugh, I’m so forgetful these days.” Harry furrows his eyebrows in frustration and it's upsetting for her to see how stressed he is.

“I know you’ve been working hard but don’t push your limits, H.”

Harry gives her an assuring smile. “I’m fine, baby. No need to worry about me.”

Harry actually loves his job and the fact that he’s learnt a lot in the past week working in the new environment. Everything is just great, well — almost everything.

“Let’s not talk about my job for now. Let’s talk about you.”

“About me?”

“Layla told me you wouldn’t come to her birthday party this weekend. She was so disappointed.” Harry scrunches up his face. “That’s Layla we’re talking about! I’ve been gone for only a week but I feel like I’ve missed a whole lot.”

Y/N giggles. “We’ve spent a lot of time together. She even called me her ‘friend’ by accident the other day! Isn’t it crazy?!”

“So why aren’t you going to her birthday party?”

“You know I get anxious around strangers.”

“But Layla’s gonna be there with you and Niall as well. Maybe you’ll have fun.”

“I just think that—“ Before Y/N can finish her sentence, the laptop shuts down immediately, along with all the electricity devices in Harry’s flat. This is the third time this week his power is cut off, and Harry can’t take it anymore. He decides to come banging on the door of the flat in front of his.

It takes a little while until his neighbor Hana shows up at the door, wearing only her dark blue bathrobe and nothing else underneath, probably just got out of bed. Her black hair is tied up in a bun and she’s got no make-up on but her skin is glowing. She looks radiant for someone who just woke up, in the meantime he probably looks like a walking dead.

“Harry!” 

Hana’s face lights up and Harry’s expression hardens when he snaps back to reality. Then he decides to just go straight to the point. “Why is there a power-cut in my flat?”

“Why are you asking me?" 

“Because your family owns this building or is it another one of your lies?”

“Here we go again...” Hana rolls her eyes, leaning her shoulder against the doorframe as she studies the stern look on his face. “I guess you’re still mad at me.”

“I only get mad at those I care about.”

“Ouch.” She furrows her eyebrows, resting one hand on her hip and watches his face contort. “Not telling the whole truth isn’t the same as lying, Harry.”

“Oh really?” Harry exhales a heavy laugh, which is not at all for humor. “Then why did you tell me you were still in university?”

“I told you I moved back here for university, I never said I was still in university. You just assumed that because I looked younger!”

Harry purses his lips, maybe this one is really his fault, not hers. Still who would’ve thought someone with a face like that could be five years older than him? ‘Asian beauty secrets keep me young,’ he remembers her saying that.

“Okay so you might not have lied about your age!” Harry shrugs, but this isn’t over yet. “However, you did kiss me without my consent, even when you knew you're not only the executive assistant for the firm I’m working for but also my assigned instructor!”

Hana facepalms herself. He had been ignoring her since he found out who she was. She tried to talk to him yet he refused unless it was work-related. So when Harry showed up at her door today, Hana thought it could be a good sign for their relationship, but apparently she was wrong.

“Alright, for the hundredth time,” Hana heaves a sigh as she clasps both hands together in front of her chest. “I apologize. When we kissed I didn’t realize you were that intern from London. Never would’ve done it had I known.”

Hana takes Harry’s silence as a sign to continue.

“And I’m sorry you’re stuck with me. The boss asked me to find you a place to stay, and my family just happened to have an empty flat available.”

“You expect me to say thank you or something?”

“No, I just want us to put this behind and be good neighbors.” She curves her lips into a smile and offers her hand as a friendly gesture. 

Though Harry’s still a bit irritated, he’s now less angry than before. So he decides to give her a chance and shakes her hand to get this over with.

"Now could you just have someone turn the power back on for me?” Harry pleads, but Hana gives him a shrug.

“Sorry it’s been like that for months now. You’re just gonna have to wait an hour or so.”

“Fuck!”

“You’re being grumpy, Harry. You could use that city tour I offered.” She puts a hand on his shoulder but he shrugs it right off. 

“No thank you,” he repeats the exact same thing he told her the last time. “I would like to keep our relationship strictly business.”

“Is your girlfriend back home jealous or something?” 

“Don’t bring my girlfriend into this.”

“So you do have a girlfriend.” Hana slightly chuckles, but Harry keeps a straight face still. “Don’t worry, I’m not flirting with you. Well—“ she suddenly pauses and tilts her head slightly to one side “—from now on.”

Harry wants to ask her what that’s supposed to mean, but before he’s got a chance, Hana shuts the door right in front of his face. 

…

“Y/N!” Layla shouts from the library entrance the moment she spots her friend. She ignores the grumpy librarian telling her to shush and just hurries toward the desk where Y/N’s sitting next to her new friend Ethan.

“Emergency!” She slams her hand down on the table in front of the startled pair, immediately gaining attention from everyone nearby and a warning dead glare from the librarian. Layla mumbles an apology then lowers her voice. “Niall’s coming to my fucking birthday party! So you’re going as well, no matter you like it or not!”

“Layla, I told you, pool parties just aren’t my thing.” Well, any kind of parties...

“I bet you said the same thing about Harry but now you’re fucking him.”

Y/N’s cheeks turn red as she looks down and Ethan just awkwardly rubs the back of his head. That’s when Layla finally notice his presence. 

“Who’s your new friend?”

“This is Ethan, the one I told you about. Ethan, this is Layla.”

“Oh the guy who saved you the other night!” Layla exclaims but Y/N gives her a look as a warning not to go too far with her jokes.

“Sweet Ethan, would you like to come to my party?” Layla bends over the table and rests her elbows on it, her chin on her knuckles, blinking her eyes teasingly at the confused guy. “Maybe Y/N would come if you do.”

Y/N opens her mouth to speak but Layla shuts her up right away. “You told me you didn’t want to be lonely there, so I got you someone, now you have to go.”

“You’re being manipulative, Layla.”

“Thanks.” Layla smirks before turning her attention back to the new boy. “I’ll leave you to think about it, but I’m counting on ya to convince her.”

“Layla—” Y/N sighs but her girl friend ignores that and just walks away from the desk without looking back. After Layla’s out of the library, Y/N turns back to Ethan and gives him an apologetic smile.

“Sorry about that, she can be a bit...overwhelming sometimes.”

“It’s okay.” Ethan chuckles. “If you want to go, I can go with you.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“I—” Y/N leaves her mouth open for two seconds as she tries to think of a better reason to avoid another social event. “I don’t think I’ll fit in. I...I tend to get anxious when I’m surrounded by many people I don’t know.”

“What about Layla?” Ethan raises an eyebrow at the girl whose eyes are on the text book in front of her. “Because she was practically begging for you to show up.”

“Layla—Well...I don’t know...I think she’s only hanging out with me because I help her with something, maybe she doesn’t actually like me.”

“So you’re afraid she’s only using you?”

“No...Uhm...Maybe? I honestly don’t know who to trust anymore, you won’t get it.”

Ethan lets out a slight laugh, then closes the novel in his hand and taps on the cover to get her attention.

“This is you,” he says, making her smile in confusion.

“A book?”

“A closed book!” Ethan raises a finger as he corrects her and Y/N immediately asks what he actually means by saying so. 

“You want people to know your story but you refuse to let them read you, because what if they don’t like you, right? What if they wrinkle the pages and tear the covers? So you stay on the shelf instead, watching other books get borrowed and become best sellers while wishing you were them.”

Y/N just stares at him with widened eyes. She’s not saying anything, not because she thinks he’s talking nonsense, but because the comparison is so spot on that it shocks her more than just a bit.

Ethan presses his lips to form a gentle smile as he continues, “Y/N, you want to make new friends, hang out with people like Layla, at the same time you hold yourself back because you think you’re too boring for anyone to like, which is wrong by the way. You’ve got to believe in yourself, love. How do you know you’re gonna fail if you don’t try?”

For that one second, Y/N swears she sees Harry in Ethan.

“Y/N,” he calls her name and she blinks a couple of times to snap back to reality.

“Yes Ha—uh Ethan?”

“I’ll go with you if you change your mind.” Ethan smiles at her, and she smiles back, before turning her eyes to the book under his palm. 

...

It’s 10PM and Harry’s still at the office, trying to finish proofreading these contracts and planning the executive’s meeting schedules for tomorrow. He’s not sure if it’s anything he said to Hana the last time he was at her door but she’s been a bit harsh on him ever since. She gave him extra tasks and didn’t try to talk to him like she normally would. It’s hard to admit but Harry kind of misses her constantly annoying him.

Ding. The notification on Harry’s phone gets his attention immediately. His girlfriend just sent him a new photo so he doesn’t hesitate to open the text. Harry almost chokes on air when he sees the photo of Y/N wearing a tight spaghetti-strap dress, which is so unlike her, and he doesn’t mean that in a bad way because she’s looking smoking hot. The message that goes with the photo is: Gonna be wearing this to Layla’s birthday :) x

Harry drops everything he’s doing to pick up the phone with both hands and types down a reply immediately: 

Is that a new dress???

No it’s Layla’s, she wanted me to wear it to her party. What do you think?

You look so sexy baby but I demand a photo with the dress off!

I’m on the bus!

I don’t mind getting you off in public ;) 

I hate you!

But I love you and I miss you and I’m horny and I need to touch you aaaaaah! I would fuck you while you’re in that dress, then again when you’re out of it.

A smirk displays on Harry’s face as he rubs his bottom lip with his forefinger, thinking about how red her face must be as she’s typing down a reply then deleting it because she’s embarrassed. She always gets so flushed and shy when he says stuff like that and that’s what turns him on. 

It takes a moment, but finally, her text arrives: 

I wish you were here.

Just by reading that one simple sentence, Harry almost wants to book a plane ticket and fly home with her instantly. He knew what he signed up for when he accepted the internship offer, he just didn’t think a long distance relationship would be this hard. 

Harry came to this foreign country on his own, not knowing anyone nor the language, then got an annoying neighbor who’s also his superior and probably hates him now. His first week in Japan has been wild. Nevertheless, none of those problems come close to the fact that she’s not here. The person he used to be would always manage to have fun no matter where he was or who he was with. The person he is now just can’t stop thinking about this one girl who’s got his whole heart in the palm of her hand. 

I’m getting off the bus now, text you later?

Have a great day baby :) I love you

I love you more :)

Harry reads her last text then tosses his head back and blows air through his mouth in frustration. Fuck. Now he hates everything, well, everything except for her. 

It’s getting late so Harry packs up to leave, the thought of Y/N has never left his mind. He turns the lights off then walks out of the office, assuming he’s the only one here, but apparently not. The lights in the meeting room are still on. 

He stops at the door to find Hana sitting alone by the desk, crying. She looks at him with her eyes all smudged then hastily wipes her tears away.

“What happened? Are you alright?” Harry asks in concern as he enters the room then stands in front of Hana on the other side of the desk.

“I’m fine. Don’t mind me,” replies the older girl while she’s staring at her lap. It seems like she expects him to walk away right after she told him so, which is why Hana is surprised to see him still standing there. 

“You know...” he begins. The corners of his mouth turn up when she finally holds his eye-contact. “I think it’s not too late for that city tour.”

...

Y/N arrives at Layla’s birthday party, with Ethan as her companion. At first she was having doubts about the dress. She thought it was too much and would get people to pay attention to her, which was the opposite of what she wanted. Even so she couldn’t wear something else because she had given Layla her word. 

“Don’t worry, you look great,” Ethan whispers into her ear when they spot Layla and her group drinking by the pool. The birthday girl is more than excited to see Y/N.

“You're here!” To Y/N’s surprise, Layla runs towards her and violently attacks her with a tight hug. 

“Layla, you’re drunk already!”

“A bit, yeah. I need alcohol to do this.” She nods quickly then turns to Ethan. “I can’t thank you enough for dragging her ass to my party!”

“You’re welcome,” he replies with a small smile then tells the girls he’ll go get drinks for Y/N and himself.

“Bye sweetie!” Layla drunkenly waves at Ethan as he walks away, then quickly turns back to Y/N, holding both of her arms, looking utterly frantic.

“I saw Niall but I can’t do it!”

“Yes, you can!” Y/N holds Layla’s face between her palms then looks straight into her green eyes. “You’re going to get your shit together, go find him, then tell him how you feel, just like we’ve discussed!”

“Okay, what if he says no?”

“How do you know you’re gonna fail if you don’t try?” Y/N repeats the same words Ethan said the other day. Layla quickly nods her head then pulls Y/N into another hug, this one lasts longer than the previous one.

“Thank you,” she mumbles before pulling away, holding Y/N’s shoulders firmly. “I’ll be right back, hopefully with good news!”

“Yes! You go girl!” Y/N flashes her a smile then watches the birthday girl flee away.

...

Everything has been going well for Y/N. She’s been laughing and dancing and chatting with Ethan and the others, and for the first time since Harry left she’s actually having a good time. She’s proud of herself, and she’s happy, but it’s been an hour already and Layla hasn’t come back with her good news. Y/N tries to not think too much about it, until she runs into Niall...and his date.

“Hey, Niall!” Y/N smiles at him but her eyebrows are furrowed as she’s confused by the other girl’s presence.

“Oh hey Y/N!” Niall replies cheerfully then grabs the brunette behind him by the hand, slightly pulling her to the front. “This is Harry’s girlfriend Y/N. Y/N, this is my girlfriend—”

Niall tells Y/N the girl’s name but Y/N can’t make out anything else after that word. Her eyes almost pop out of her head when she repeats it one more time in tone of a question. 

“Girlfriend?!”

“Yeah, we just made it official yesterday.”

“Oh God...”

“What is it?”

“No nothing.” YN shakes her head in response to a puzzled Niall then asks him, “does Layla know?”

“Yeah, we ran into Layla, Liam, and Louis a moment ago.”

Y/N groans into the palms of her hands then turns to Ethan, telling him to give her a minute before excusing herself to leave quickly. As she pushes her way through the crowd, Y/N hears Niall calling after her asking what’s going on but she ignores him completely and steals two bottles of wine on her way.

If I was a birthday girl with a broken heart, where would I go? Y/N asks herself, though she’s already got the answer. That’s how she ends up here, in the toilets and finds Layla sobbing in one of the stalls.

“Layla?” Y/N slightly knocks on the door and receives a soft hum as a reply. “Hey, it’s Y/N, let me—”

The door swings open and Layla walks out before Y/N can even finish that sentence. 

“Are you okay?” Y/N’s question comes out almost as a whisper. This is the first time she’s ever seen Layla cry.

“I haven’t told him. He brought her here, they’re dating,” the poor girl breaks the news to Y/N, whose face scrunches up immediately. She can relate to how Layla’s feeling right now in a way, because before her Harry’s been with plenty of other girls. However she guesses this is different, Harry was just fooling around with those girls whereas Niall’s actually in a relationship now.

Y/N sighs then raises the two wine bottles in the air, making Layla turn away from the mirror to look at her with a broken smile. “I don’t normally drink but if you want to get wasted, let’s do it.”

“Harry’s taught you well,” Layla jokes as she accepts one bottle from the girl without hesitation. She’s never said no to alcohol, and right now, she thinks she needs it more than ever.

...

The night ends with Layla dragging Y/N’s body from the lift, all the way to the flat she shares with Harry then to her bed. 

“Be carefully!” Layla shouts, but it’s already too late.

Y/N knocks over the lamp on her nightstand as both of them fall down onto her bed. Layla groans in pain while Y/N is just laughing hysterically for no reason. Layla leaves Y/N lying on her back and sits up on the edge, staring down at her tipsy friend.

“Next time don’t drink more than you can, you idiot,” Layla speaks under her breath but she can’t hide the smile on her face. 

The silence in the room is torn down by Y/N’s ringtone. While Y/N’s groaning and giggling like a madwoman, Layla reaches for the phone and finds the screen light up with Harry’s name on it.

“Your boyfriend’s calling.”

“My boyfriend?!” 

Y/N immediately gets up on her knees on the bed and yanks the phone away from Layla’s hand to answer it herself. Just before she can say hello, Harry’s already the first to speak.

“Y/N, are you home yet? I tried to call you but you had your phone turned off!”

“Baby! Baby! I just drank a lot of wine! A whole lot! Now I’m feeling great!!!” she happily tells him, sitting down with her legs crossed and her free hand holding one foot. 

“Jesus you sound hella drunk. Are you home yet?”

“Yessssssss! Ethan drove me home!”

“Who’s Ethan?”

Layla almost chokes on air and she immediately grabs the phone away from Y/N before the drunk girl says something stupid that’d make Harry explode.

“It’s fine, I came home with her,” she assures Harry, receiving a pout from Y/N whose conversation with her boyfriend was rudely interrupted.

“Layla? You two are at our flat right?”

“Yes, we’re safe, calm your tits Styles.” Layla giggles, yet Harry doesn’t sound like he’s more at ease.

“Who the fuck is Ethan?”

“Oh he’s just Y/N’s new friend.”

“Why hasn’t anyone told me about this new friend?”

“Give me back my Harry!” Y/N attempts to take the phone, so Layla pushes her back down on the bed and stands up to continue the conversation.

“Don’t worry, he’s just a friend. He actually saved your girl a few nights ago.”

“Again, what the fuck?!”

“She was walking home alone and some guy followed her but Ethan showed up just in time. He took her home.” Layla grins. The truth is she finds jealous Harry quite entertaining. If Y/N wasn’t drunk she would’ve stopped her from doing this. However, since Y/N is drunk, Layla cannot pass this opportunity.

“Okay, so my girlfriend was in danger and nobody wanted to tell me?”

“If we’d told you, you would’ve bought a fucking plane ticket and showed up here the next morning. Relax, he’s a nice guy.” Layla almost mentions him flirting with Y/N but then she thinks again and decides not to. Harry would probably fly all the way back just to murder that poor guy.

“I trust Y/N but I don’t trust him. Do you know how easy it is for people to like Y/N once they’ve got to know her?”

“I’m starting to,” says Layla as she gives Y/N a smile and receives one back in return though Y/N has no idea what’s going on.

“Did you get my happy birthday text though?”

“Yes, it’s nice. Thank you.”

There’s a long pause on Harry’s side before he asks Layla another question, “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“Like, why I’m being nice to Y/N?”

“No. I mean...sure, I want to know the reason for that, but I feel like what you actually want to tell me has nothing to do with Y/N.”

“Nope. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Layla sticks out her bottom lip and shrugs as she denies to tell the truth. However, for a second there, she did consider.

“I hope you’re okay.”

Layla stays quiet. She doesn’t want to ask what he means by saying that, at the same time, Harry doesn’t push her to give him a confirmation.

“Could you put me back on the phone with Y/N?” he asks, and Layla does as she’s told, telling Y/N she’ll be right back then leaves the room.

“Baby, ya there?”

“I’m here!” 

Harry sighs happily when he hears his girlfriend’s voice again. 

“Harry come home, I miss you.”

“If I could right now, you know I would. How are you love?”

“Uhm...a bit dizzy...I threw up on the way back. Ethan and Layla helped me from falling down the stairs!”

Ugh fucking Ethan, Harry thinks to himself, but he keeps his calm while speaking to her.

“Baby, does Ethan know about me?”

“Yes, he was flirting with me and—” 

“He was what now?”

“Don’t you worry, I told him I’d got a boyfriend!” Y/N giggles and Harry feels a bit relieved.

“I didn’t tell him you weren’t in London though, he figured it out by himself! He said if I had a boyfriend and still had to walk home alone, my boyfriend were either and asshole or not living near me, and he didn’t think I would’ve dated an asshole so he assumed it was the later!”

Harry sighs, clearly not okay with the thought of another guy looking after his girlfriend because he could not. Moreover, he’s angry, not at Y/N, not at Ethan (well maybe yes at Ethan, for flirting with his girl), but (mostly) at himself for not being there for her. 

“Y/N, are you still there?”

“I’m hereeee!”

“Baby, next time you can’t walk home alone at night, okay? It’s not safe. If you have to, just call Niall or any of my friends to come with you.” Definitely not Ethan for sure. “Just don’t put yourself in danger, I’ll be very worried.”

“Yes sir!”

“Good girl, now I’m going to hang up so you can sleep, yeah?”

“Okaaaaaay...do you love me though?”

“I do,” he answers without pause. “More than anything.”

“I love you this much!” She swings her arms open wide to illustrate the amount of love she has for him. He can imagine her doing so from the other side of the world, and it makes him truly happy.

“I can’t see you but I guess it means you love me a lot?”

“I do love you a lot.” Y/N lays her head down on the pillow, shutting her eyes but the beam stays on her face when her thumb starts rubbing his promise ring. Even though she’s not in her clear mind, she’s still sane when it comes to him.

“Let’s get married someday,” she suggests out of the blue. It doesn’t matter to him if she really means it or it’s just the alcohol talking, just hearing her say that sends him over the fucking moon.

“Of course love, whenever you’d like,” he speaks in a heavy whispery tone which calms her and sends her closer to sleep. “Good night, angel.”

“Good night, baby,” she mumbles before ending the call. 

When Layla returns with a glass of water and some clothes for Y/N to change, she finds her friend already asleep in bed, the phone’s still in her hand.

Meanwhile, in Tokyo, Harry opens his text messages and sends a quick one to his best friend Niall after ending the call with Y/N.

Layla’s safe. She’s with Y/N.

It doesn’t take longer than one second for Niall to reply: Thanks mate x.

Harry sighs after reading that, then tosses his phone aside on the sofa. 

His girl is safe and sound now, but he's burning with anxiety, and it’d be a lie to say this has nothing to do with this new friend of hers named Ethan. Harry's aware that he’s jealous too often but he always has a good reason for it. His guts feelings are never wrong because he knows Y/N’s effects on people. It’s hard to not fall for someone like her if one gets to know her enough. Now it troubles him more knowing they stay friends after Ethan tried flirting with Y/N.

From Harry’s experience, if he approached a hot girl and she told him she was taken he would stay as far away as possible. You can’t just stop being physically attracted to someone just right after you find out they’re not single. One way or another, sooner or later, Ethan is going to make a move. What Harry’s afraid of isn’t Y/N cheating on him, but her leaving him to be with someone she believes can treat her better. These thoughts (or the lack of sleep) make his head hurt.

“Harry?”

Harry turns his head to his bedroom door and sees Hana standing there in his t-shirt which is too big for her delicate frame so it looks like a dress.

“Sleep well?” he asks, yet she ignores his concern.

“Did we—”

“No!” Harry shakes his head quickly. “You showed me around the city then we went to this pub and you got super drunk so I took you back. We couldn’t find your key that’s why I let you stay here.”

“Did you change my clothes?”

“No. I gave you my shirt and then left so you could do it yourself, don’t worry.”

“Okay…” Hana sighs while putting one hand on the top of her head. “And did I overshare anything when I was drunk?”

“Nope, or you did spill all of your secrets but since you were shouting at me in Japanese, I didn’t understand.”

What he said makes Hana giggle and he ends up laughing as well.

“But do you want to talk about why you were crying?”

“No,” Hana answers quickly then turns away to leave. Harry doesn’t try to stop her and beg for the truth because he respects her not wanting to share it with him. However, something makes the girl come back to the door.

“Oh Harry?”

“Hmm?” 

“Thank you for not leaving me alone last night.”

“Oh…” His mouth forms a circle and he’s frozen for a second or two when she sends him a soft smile. “Okay…No problem.”

...

Y/N wakes up the next morning with a terrible headache. Her memory after finishing half a bottle last night is now very blurry. However, she still remembers getting into Ethan’s car with Layla then Layla helping her into bed and part of her phone call with Harry. If her brain isn’t wrong she might have told him about Ethan, she thinks. It’s just she cannot remember his reaction.

It takes Y/N a couple seconds later to realize she’s not alone in bed. Layla’s still asleep next to her. Just like Y/N, the poor girl is still in her party dress from last night, apparently too exhausted to even get changed before dozing off.

Y/N grabs her phone to check the time and happens to see a new message from Harry.

Good morning love! Call me when you wake up! Drink lots of water and don’t skip breakfast! I love you :)

She smiles and hurriedly types down a reply.

Got it :) Love you, hope you’ve had a great day! Can’t wait to tell you about my crazy night with Layla!

She means to put her phone away after pressing ‘send’, but then comes another text, it’s just not from Harry. This time it’s Ethan’s.

Good morning! Does it feel nice to finally get off the shelf? ;)

The message makes Y/N snort. She turns to look at Layla, who’s mumbling in her sleep something that makes no sense at all. Well, Y/N thinks while grinning to herself. Maybe someone does like her story after all.

[vvoozi]

Friends With ... Chloroform?

pairing: kim mingyu x reader (gender neutral)

genre: humor

warnings: mentions of masturbation, swearing

word count: 3.1k

prompt: “I’m gonna need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else.” & “Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2 am?”

“So let me get this straight. You thought of everything, except for the one thing we need the most?” Seokmin deadpanned at Mingyu. Cowering under Seokmin and Minghao’s gazes, he softly says, “Well when you put it like that…”

“How else can I put it?!” Seokmin exclaims, rubbing his forehead, anticipating a headache. They had been waiting for this job for months. They’d begged Seungcheol to let them have this, which is a lot easier said than done. Seungcheol had been hesitant to let the three do a big job like this, or any job at all, since The Queso Incident. All of those hours of planning this evening, the ridiculous amount of money they don’t even have, used to bribe people for information and favors, all possibly gone to waste because Mingyu forgot their security blanket.

“If it’s any consolation,” Mingyu starts, “I know someone who can get us what we need right now?” The quiet one of the three approaches him and pokes Mingyu in the chest, “You better. You screwed up in the first place.”

“It’s good alright. Trust me,” Mingyu says as he gets back in the car and gestures for the other two to follow him. Seokmin snickers and Minghao sighs, side-eyeing the taller man, “Yeah ‘cause that worked out so well for us last time.”

*ring ring*

You sigh.

*ring ring*

You look at your phone, caller ID “Mingyu 👀” displayed on the screen. You put your phone back down.

*ring ring*

“Ugh fuck off Mingyu,” you moan as you throw your phone at the wall.

“Nothing,” Mingyu sighs. “Guess we’ll have to climb up then.”

“…You want us to what?” Seokmin shrieks as his eyes nearly pop out of his sockets. Climbing up to God knows which floor, on the side of an apartment building right in the middle of Hongdae, what the hell is Mingyu thinking?!

“We just gotta climb up there dude it’s fine,” Mingyu says as he makes his way to the fire escape and pulls it down. Rooted in his spot, Minghao says, “Why can’t we just, I don’t know,” he sighs, “use the front door?”

“‘Cause, I ca—look we don’t want to be caught on any cameras right?” Met with only raised eyebrows, Mingyu turns back to the ladder to climb it. Minghao rolls his eyes and snorts, “Yeah I’m sure that building is swarming with cameras.”

“You don’t kn—we just have a system, okay?!” Mingyu exclaims, “So you guys can either get up the fire escape with me or stay down here,” he continues as he finally starts climbing up the fire escape.

“And what kind of system is that?” Minghao asks, getting ready to climb up after his friend, against his better judgement. Seokmin following closely after. “Less questions, more climbing,” Mingyu grumbles.

“I just wanna know what kind of pusher needs people to come up on the fire escape and in through a window instead of their front door? This is way more suspicious, like do you want to be caught?” Seokmin rants to no one in particular.

When they finally reach the designated floor they all take a moment to breathe. Seokmin looks at Mingyu with a mix of exhaustion and annoyance on his face. He whispers, “Dude you couldn’t find a dealer who doesn’t live on the 7th floor of an apartment building?”

Confused as to why the location of someone’s apartment is his fault, Mingyu looks back at him, “You act like it’s my fault,” he says. Both of his friends look at him as if he’s grown another head. They share a look, again, before practically shouting, “IT IS!”

“Shhhh. It’s 2 am remember?!” Mingyu quickly presses a finger against their lips. More ridiculed looks from the two boys follow as Seokmin swats his hand away and says, “How the hell could we forget?! You’re the reason we had to scale the fucking building in the first place!”

“That’s not tru—no actually it is true.” He looks away, not even able to deny what his friend said. This time it’s Minghao’s turn to look at his tall friend like he’s crazy. “No fucking shit!” He hisses.

“Do you even know if your pusher’s home? The lights are all out.” Seokmin asks Mingyu as they stand in front of a pitch black window. He shares a look with Minghao, who then continues, “or if they’re even awake, since it’s still 2 in the fucking morning.”

“Well, last chance to back out,” Mingyu says. He approaches the window, ready to open it. “W-why would we want to back out?” Seokmin asks, suddenly rethinking every step he took up until this moment. Mingyu looks at both guys and then turns back to the window, “No reason,” he muses as he continues working the locks.

It’s not often that you have a lot of time to yourself. Not even at night. If you’re not dealing with clients, you’re spending the night with Mingyu. During the day you’re just a regular college student like most people your age, a Chemistry major to be exact. At night however, you work from an empty shop in a back alley somewhere in Seoul, selling homemade ill-intentioned products to ill-intentioned people. You don’t ask what they use it for and in return they pay you very generously.

In order to keep both your identity and your life safe, people can only come by your little store if they’ve been introduced by a client of yours. One of your most loyal clients, Yoon Jeonghan, had asked you to take on a new client, a close friend of him who needed a good connection, he’d said. And none come as good as you, he’d said. You simply laughed at his attempts to charm you, but had accepted right away because you could always use the extra cash, and if Jeonghan trusted him, there was no reason for you not to, too.

A few days later Jeonghan returned to your shop, his friend in tow. When you laid your eyes on Jeonghan’s friend you wanted to be surprised. Tall, dark and handsome. But you couldn’t really be surprised considering Jeonghan isn’t bad on the eye either. You’d already met three of Jeonghan’s friends, Seungcheol, Joshua, and Jun, all three equally as good looking as Jeonghan. But there was something familiar about the tall man, you just couldn’t place it. Jeonghan stepped up to you to introduce his friend, said his name is Kim Mingyu. And that’s when it hit you. You’re both in Introduction to Plant Biology, a class you took on the side in an attempt to broaden your knowledge of plants and herbs, as not all of your products required chemicals. Why he’d taken the class you didn’t know, you’d never talked to him before. You tended to keep to yourself in that class to keep a low profile.

Mingyu had recognized you too. While he didn’t mention anything about it during your first meeting with Jeonghan, he sat next to you the following day in Intro to Plant Biology. You simply glanced at him and turned back to the professor. This went on for a little while. You’d save a seat for Mingyu, he’d smile at you, you smiled back and you just went on with the lecture. Until one morning when Mingyu was late. He’d overslept, ‘might as well get some coffee in my system since I’m already late’ he told himself. He softly made his way to his seat next to yours, which had your bag sitting in it to make sure no one would take the spot. He smiled shyly to himself. Finally sitting down, you exchanged a smile like you always did, but what you weren’t counting on, was the coffee he placed in front of you. It was the encouragement you both needed to start talking to each other outside of your shop. And that’s exactly what you did. You guys quickly became close friends, and then some. You supposed you could call it a ‘friends-with-benefits’ thing.

And that brings us to today. Mingyu had been whispering all kinds of dirty things in you ear during class. And then again when you guys were having lunch. And then again on the subway to the mall. Once there he took the line to his place and you started the short walk to your apartment. Not long after you’d gotten home Mingyu sent you a very clear picture of his penis, claiming it was an ‘accident’. “That was for someone else,” he texted you while panicking, facepalming himself. He’s not seeing someone else and he definitely doesn’t want you to think he is. But you’d just laughed, knowing there’s no one else he’d send a dick pic to. You’d put your phone away and got to working in your small home lab, trying to perfect some of your recipes. But you just couldn’t stop thinking about that picture. You’d decided to make dinner to distract yourself. After dinner you’d figured binge watching some random show on Netflix would keep you distracted enough. But it didn’t.

Which brings us to now. Here you are, naked in your bed, trying to keep quiet as one of your hands roams your body while the other works its magic down below. You’re too busy trying to get yourself to an orgasm to notice the commotion going on just outside your bedroom window.

“Why the fuck would we need to back out now Mingyu?” Minghao presses. But it’s too late, the window is already unlocked. As Mingyu slides the window up Minghao grabs him by the shoulder to turn him around and ask him once again why they’d need to back out, but the tall, clumsy man loses his balance. He tries to regain it by grabbing Minghao by the arm but it causes the skinny man to lose his balance instead. In hopes of saving both himself and Mingyu, Minghao grabs Seokmin. It’s all happening so fast, Seokmin can’t catch either of the two, and instead he goes down with them, right through the open window.

You scream out. Startled, the boys look up, expecting to see a very angry dealer, but all they see is you, lying on top of your duvet, completely naked as you ease yourself out of your orgasm. Minghao and Seokmin turn to each other, again, they seem to be doing that a lot today, and give each other suggestive looks. ‘What kind of dealer is this?’ type of looks. It’s been about a full minute and you still haven’t noticed the three men lying on your floor. You get up after a while to go to the bathroom to clean up when you finally see your window is open. You’re sure you closed and locked it before you laid down on your bed. Now you’re panicking, did someone break in while you were masturbating? How had you not heard anything?

Until someone clears their throat, “Well hello there,” a man about your age winks at you from where he’s lying on your bedroom floor. Neither your fight nor flight response kicks in and you remain frozen in your spot. Mingyu watches as both of his friends check you out. He quickly gets up and rushes over to you, tripping over your dog’s bed, as he tries to cover you up with his own body, “I’m gonna need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else,” he mumbles at you.

You crane your neck to look up at Mingyu. “Well I don’t remember inviting you in,” you start, “so whether I want to wear clothes or not is up to me.” You try to sound confident but you can feel the ever-growing blush on your cheeks. But if Mingyu notices your embarrassment, or knows you were masturbating just now, he doesn’t rub it in. You tell yourself you’ll thank him for it later, somehow. He just looks down at you and gives you his puppy dog eyes knowing damn well you can’t resist those, as he practically begs you to put on some clothes.

“And why exactly do you need chloroform at 2 am?” You ask from the bathroom. The three men had made themselves comfortable in your living room while Mingyu had waddled you backwards to your bathroom. Mingyu quickly told you why he came by at this hour and what he needed from you. You could practically feel the two shorter guys stare him down when you only hear an uncomfortable cough, “It’s for a job,” he explains, “Come on, it’s literally your own rule; client asks, you provide. Client pays, you don’t ask questions.”

You look up to the mirror, looking at yourself as if you just heard him speak in a different language. You immediately make your way to the living room, walking straight up to Mingyu who’s standing by your window and you get right up in his face, “That deal went out of the window the second you came in through my fucking window.”

Minghao snickers from his position on your couch as he’s softly petting the small, sleeping dog, “I thought you said this is how they do business Gyu.” Your head snaps towards Minghao, “He said what now?” You ask him.

“That you do your business out of the window and down the fire escape,” Seokmin absentmindedly answers, way more interested in your other, much bigger dog than your conversation.

“Wha—no I never said that!” Mingyu is quick to deny it. “Ah, but you implied it,” and Minghao is quick to correct him.

“Gyu knows I wasn’t gonna answer the door considering it’s 2 in the fucking morning,” you say to the two men who you’re sure don’t even care about anything you’re saying at this point, seeing as they’re only paying attention to your dogs. “People are usually asleep at this hour Mingyu,” You quickly shoot his way.

He cocks his eyebrow at you, “Well you weren’t exactly asleep, were you sweetheart,” he says smirking.

You scoff at that and make your way to your kitchen, “Good luck finding somewhere else who can get you what you need at this hour.” Mingyu follows you to the kitchen trying to catch up to you, which really isn’t hard considering his long legs. “Wait no! I’m sorry okay! I just, we really need this right now. I’ll pay you back,” He practically begs.

“I want a 20% cut,” You say as you turn back to him. Only to be met with a very blushy Mingyu. He’s looking away and rubbing the back of his neck when he says, “Tha-that’s not what I meant..”

And it hits you.

“Oh,” you manage to choke out. Now it’s your turn to look away and blush.

Two disgusted groans immediately follow from your living room.

“Gross.” Minghao says and rolls his eyes.

“Dude seriously?” Seokmin complains as he narrows his eyes at Mingyu.

You can’t help but laugh at his friends. “I still want my 20% Gyu,” you start, “and then you can pay me back with sex.” You add with a wink.

Minghao joins you both in the kitchen and says, “Dude, just tell them you’ll give them the damn 20% so we can get out of here and get on with the job.” Pretty much immediately after Seokmin joins too, “Seriously. Just do it before we throw up.”

“Stop complaining you babies, you’re just mad because I’m getting laid regularly and you guys have been dry since this year started. And it’s December now.” Mingyu brags. You have different opinions on the matter however, “You’re not gonna get laid regularly if you don’t shut the fuck up.”

“Shutting up now.” He blurts out.

You put the chloroform and some other things you think they might need in a duffel bag Mingyu forgot one morning after sleeping over at yours. After closing it you hand the bag to Minghao and start to make your way to your front door. “By the way, you guys are terrible at this.” You tell them with a snort.

“What makes you say that?” Seokmin inquires. You turn to look at the three of them and raise an eyebrow as if to ask ‘Really? You don’t know?’ But they don’t say anything, so you continue, “Besides the fact that I’ve seen all of your faces and know your names?” They all slowly nod. “You picked Mingyu to get the one thing that you needed most tonight. Mingyu. He would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his body.”

“Hey! That’s not true!” The tall boy whines as he starts to pout.

You snicker and let your eyes drop to his pants, “Zip up your fly, baby.” Mingyu follows your gaze, “Shit,” he quickly zips his pants back up, “Nobody saw that.”

“Mhm, sure thing dude,” Seokmin slaps Mingyu on the ass before walking out of the front door, followed closely by Minghao, who snorts before he says, “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Bonus:

“They’re cute. I can see why you’re friends with them.” You say as rest your hands around his neck. Mingyu’s hands automatically find their way to your waist. “Yeah?” He asks, you simply nod.

“I’m sorry I didn’t introduce you to them sooner. I would’ve bu—“ you cut him off before he can say any more, “Why would you, I mean it’s not like we’re dating right?”

“Dating or not, I still consider you my friend. And maybe I wanna change that.” He tells you honestly. You’re sure your eyebrows are all the way up in your hairline and your eyes have popped out of their sockets. “What?”

“Maybe I do want to date you,” he admits, “I just, couldn’t find the right way to ask you. ‘Hey I know you’re my chem dealer but how about you be my significant other too?’ Yeah I’m sure that would’ve worked.” He adds with a laugh.

“Who knows, maybe it would’ve. But we’ll never know cause you never asked, now will we?” You tell him as you softly tap him on the cheek.

[skylar-lei1634]

I love the fact that I can plan my last name changing when I get married with my gf but the idea of moving in freaks me the hell out. (And when I mean love I mean fucking hate with the passion of a trapt rat in a heating bucket on a human body). Like what if the relationship starts to fail because I have my lazy days? What if I'm not doing enough to help around the house (my room is allowed to be messy because it makes sense damnit!)? What if I break down crying because it's too much of a change and I say something to her that hurts BECAUSE I am hurt?

Because the idea of moving away from my security is terrifying no matter who it's to. Because at least the person I'm living with Knows my faults and I close up exponentially when I'm trying to please someone. Id ask if I can do anything and everything. Forgetting the fact that that's my apartment too not just hers because I've never had anything that's actually mine besides my laptop.

And on top of that I know for a fact that me leaving will cutting way to deep into my psyche and I dont want her to deal with me relapsing. I dont want to freak her out because I know I'm gonna throw myself into my work so I can ignore the hurt I'd feel. Let alone the fact that I'd work with the person I'm leaving.

Also, I dont want this to be because I have to get OUT! But because I'm comfortable to move in with her. I want it to be slow. Like random things. Me actually hanging at her house when shes alone because I feel save there. "Forgetting" to go home the night before and sleeping on the couch and like, having my own toothbrush.

I've never trusted myself to let go and let someone in. I've never stayed over someone else's house. My friends, if they look back on it, would notice that I've never actually slept over. And if I did? It be like once in a blue moon.

So the idea of moving out even when I should. And I KNOW I should! Its... fearfilling. It means going away from one island to the main, swimming in the heaviest clothes, filled with sharks that whisper all my worries.

And I'm not trying to have this as a cry for help. I'm just trying to put my thoughts down before I explode and then have a mental break down at work (because yeah that happened today and it freaked my favorite teddy bear coworker out). And weirdly enough, doing this type of shit usually gets my point across without searching for the words (I legit have epiphanies while writing) or stuttering at the important parts.

But I dont want to actually post this because I dont have a plan. I dont know what to do. Do I want to stay? Do I want to chance it? Do I just want to wait on both sides to get everything close enough ready so I can jump to one side without "looking back"? And I dont want her to think I'm brushing off her help? Hell I almost cried because I've never had someone but one other that fought for me. I've been thrown away so many times that I've gotten use to it or even expected (though if someone tackled me to the ground I will roundhouse kick them, no matter how much I love them).

And I could treat this as a roommate thing but... we arent. Expecting that is just asking for a disaster. But I DONT want to feel as if I'm dodging the question. DONT want her to put so much work down as all of our built only for be to back out because I'm "needed" again when really I scared.

And I do want to move. I feel the tiny butterflies in my stomach at the idea but I just... I have things I need to work on that (I guess) I feel like I need to do it alone. GOD KNOWS WHY!!! But I do.

Like getting my liscense actually legalized. I have no idea how that long it will take since certain circumstances happened to make that a thing 3 years ago. Or like the fact I dont have a credit thingy so I can be a co-leaser. I dont have my own car insurance (which would be nice to actually have now instead of ThE tHrEe YeArS i HaD bEeN pAyInG fOr It AnD wAsTiNg MoNeY bY DoInG sO bEcAuSe I wAs NeVeR aLlOwEd To DrIvE!!) And its just... a lot of things. And its...

I dont know what's the right answer. Because I want to wait to see but I also want this to be because I like her. Not because she a convenient out. Shes more than that to me and it's wrong in my eyes to so that.

And what's worse the "problem" that is causing all of this is showing up tomorrow. And I'm going to fucking kill him.

[lichlover]

shit shit ok prompts. like. id say feeblemind lup bc!!!! im very excited for it!!! but if you want fluffy ones either. lupcretia with the whole "elves are cats" thing or the ipre with cool socks? (the latter being bc. im wearing socks with bees on them and was like "oh shit this is adeline's lup!!!" so. lup with cool socks is now an Image in my Brain)

happy birthday, love!!! this is on ao3, by the way.

Intuition, Lucretia thinks, is like a dangling participle.

It’s when the sentence is perfectly capitalized and punctuated but doesn’t read as fluidly as it should. It’s when everything looks right, but something is wrong—wrenchingly, glaringly wrong, even though there’s not a word you can think of to describe it. It’s the kind of thing that drives English majors and novelists to the brink of madness. She should know. (She’s been both.)

The last time she’d told someone as such, they’d been incredulous. “That’s a metaphor practically asking to be broken,” they’d said. “Besides, sometimes you just know shit is bad, and it looks bad, and it’s just all bad. The world isn’t always trying to catch you off guard, okay? I’d say that’s a pretty paranoid way of looking at things.”

“It’s a simile,” was all Lucretia had said.

They’d waved her off, laughing.

Lucretia doesn’t feel much like laughing now.

The journey back is, for lack of any better phrasing, absolute hell. Barry offers to take them through the rift—it’ll be faster, he says; easier, and he wants to get them to a safe place as soon as possible—but the instant reality rips itself apart in front of them, Lup digs her nails into Taako’s arm and screams. It’s shrill and deafening and utterly terrified. It’s the worst thing Lucretia’s ever heard.

So they take the Starblaster. Lup refuses to let go of Taako’s arm. Her eyes dart from person to person, evaluating each of them with a sharp, unforgiving stare. When Kravitz goes to sit next to Taako, her ears pull flat against her head and she bares her fangs at him, growling low and deep in her throat. He backs off in a hurry, and Taako swallows hard and tells her that he’s fine, Lulu, for gods’ sake, you know him. She doesn’t seem to care.

Everyone gives them a wide berth after that.

Barry calls them up to the bridge after a heavy ten minutes of silence, and they oblige him because there can’t possibly be anything worse than silence. Davenport is there, of course—he’s perfectly capable of setting the ship to autopilot, as Lucretia and the others well know, but he’s looked a little haunted ever since they departed and they’d all known no amount of convincing would get him to leave the helm. Lucretia sees the hollowness in his eyes and has to choke back something welling up in her throat; whether it’s an apology or a full-on breakdown, she can’t tell. She won’t make him relive something she herself has tried very hard to forget.

“Feeblemind,” says Merle, as soon as the door hisses shut behind them.

None of them had wanted to say it.

Lucretia’s familiar, of course. She’s familiar with too many spells; knows them just well enough to recognize their effects without knowing much else. She’d watched the clever glint drain from Lup’s eyes and figured straightaway, and she’s sure the others had done the same. Perhaps that’s why no one had said anything. Because they’d all known, and knowing was so much worse than saying it aloud.

Feeblemind. The body is left intact (right) but the mind is shattered (wrong, wrong, wrong).

“You can cure it,” Barry says. “You can end it, with—with Greater Restoration, right?”

Merle looks tired. They’re all tired, but he wears it plainly on his face, and always has. “I can do it, but it calls for diamond dust, and this shit gets specific. Gems’ve gotta be at least a hundred GP, and for a full guarantee that this is gonna work, they’ve gotta be cultivated. Specially grown, y’know? This is a delicate spell, and if anything goes wrong, if this gets fucked up—”

“You’re not gonna fuck it up,” says Magnus, and he sounds angry. They’re all angry, Lucretia thinks. Angry and tired—and it almost feels like the old days again. “This is too important.”

“Obviously. So it’s… it’s gonna be a coupla days.”

Barry releases a small, choked noise into his hand. Davenport doesn’t look back from the helm, but he says, “Then we’ll all make her as c-comfortable as we can in the time we have. This isn’t rocket science, people. It—it’ll be over soon.”

There is really nothing worse than silence, but that’s what hangs over their heads for a few agonizing seconds before Angus speaks. He’s sitting at a console, looking thoroughly shaken and, like so many of the adults are, trying his best to hold it together. Lucretia, who’s been holding her expression steadfast since liftoff, can relate.

“This is my fault,” he says, almost quietly enough to be inaudible. “I’m sorry.”

The bridge erupts.

“It’s not your fault, Ango—”

“—nobody thinks that—”

“It’s on me,” says Barry, dropping his hand from his face. “I should’ve had my eye on her.”

Kravitz shakes his head. “Necromancers are tricky bastards. I know that, I should’ve taken extra precautions. Besides, I’ve actually hunted them down before, so if anyone’s to blame—”

“You’re all being selfish,” Lucretia says.

They all look at her but she doesn’t back down, because she’s spent a century with them and their judgment and at this point, she couldn’t possibly care less. “You’re being selfish,” she repeats, and she can hear her voice shaking. “Acting like all of this is your cross to bear. It’s no one’s fault, alright? Something shitty happened, we’re dealing with the consequences like adults. This isn’t the time to be arguing over who gets to be the martyr.”

Nothing but silence can follow an outburst like that, and silence is the last thing Lucretia needs. So she turns on her heel and leaves. She doesn’t stalk or stride or hold her head high because she knows she’s right—in fact, she doesn’t know it in the least.

She doesn’t really know anything anymore.

The first day is a different kind of hell, one built out of frozen dinners and overcrowded guest bedrooms and Barry and Kravitz’s shouting match over who goes with Merle; or, more importantly, who stays.

Lucretia doesn’t catch all of it, but it’s impossible not to hear.

“—so what happens if I leave and she gets worse?”

“You’re talking like we’re not all capable people, you have to know that—”

“I’m her husband, gods dammit!”

It only quiets down after Taako stands up, storms to the other end of the house, and gives them both an earful because you fucking idiots, you’re scaring her, figure out what the hell you’re doing or shut the fuck up. Not fifteen minutes later, they both emerge into the living room and announce stiffly that Kravitz is going with Merle, and Barry is staying behind, and thank you all for being so patient, but they’re just a little shaken up and they only want the best for Lup. All of them do.

Lucretia sits in an armchair too big for her in a space more domestic than she’s used to. This is the third time she’s been to Barry and Lup’s house, and the first time she’s been there with company. It’s a shockingly innocuous property. The garden out front is well-kept and blooming with all sorts of unusual flora, and every room is enormous and airy and spilling over with natural light. (Every room, of course, save for the necromancy lab, which Barry has informed her she’s not allowed to see for plausible deniability.)

He’d shown her the floorplan back when the house was a couple of blueprints and a far-fetched ambition in the aftermath of Story and Song. “Gotta have lotsa light, lotsa space,” he’d told her. “Means the world to her. Uh, especially now.”

It’s beautiful—the sort of house Lucretia had imagined having all to herself a century ago, back when her endgame had been a novel published under her name. She looks at its lofty ceilings now and thinks it would be far too lonely for her taste.

Somehow Lup’s presence makes it even lonelier. She’s taken up residence on the couch, curled into a shallow corner, pupils thin and ears at attention as she surveys the room around her. Everything that moves or raises its voice above a whisper incurs her suspicion, and when Magnus accidentally ventures too close, her lips curl back in a snarl. Lucretia notes how as soon as he steps back, she looks to Taako with concern written starkly across her face. It makes sense, to an extent. Protection has to be one of the oldest instincts in existence. The fact that it survives, even when the rest of her personality is ripped apart, is harshly appropriate.

The rest of her is vacant. Where life and warmth once brimmed in Lup, there’s just—nothing. Lucretia catches herself staring once or twice, sucked into the hollows of Lup’s eyes, and has to tear herself away. It’s wrong. It’s worse than wrong—it’s like someone’s violated a law of the universe and gloated about it.

It doesn’t matter that pieces of the necromancer are rotting in that field.

Lup is gone, and they’re struggling to get her back.

On the second day, Barry collapses.

They all count themselves lucky that Lup doesn’t see it. Magnus carries him to one of the downstairs bedrooms and says he’s going to go and get some fuel for everyone, which Lucretia hopes means coffee, because they’d all drained the supply on the first day. He leaves, and Barry is across the house, and Angus is with Carey and Killian, which they’d all decided on without having to put it to a vote. They don’t know where Davenport is and they figure for now, he wants to keep it that way.

So that leaves Lucretia with Taako and Lup, except Lup isn’t herself, which leaves Lucretia with Taako.

She’s been trying not to think about it.

It only takes a couple agonizing minutes for one of them to break the quiet. “You should check on Barold,” Taako says, and he says it a little more aggressively than he needs to, but it’s also the most he’s spoken to Lucretia in a year and so she’ll take it without complaining.

“He’s fine,” she says. “He hasn’t slept in two days. I don’t want to wake him up.”

Taako rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t dispute her. He has his fingers threaded through Lup’s, and Lucretia watches as his knuckles whiten ever so slightly.

“Why are you here?”

“She’s my friend.”

He scoffs. “That all? What about your—your arrangement, or whatever?”

“The arrangement,” says Lucretia, coldly, “is none of your business. And I’m really not in the mood to be judged for my adult decisions.”

It’s one of the only things that had survived from the Century—an understanding, an open relationship. An arrangement. They’d talked about it after Legato, after Lucretia was so sure everything was about to take a turn for the worse, and agreed because it was too easy to be worth breaking any hearts over.

She’d wondered if Taako was privy to it, and now she knows.

He’s silent for a moment longer, and then he says, “She doesn’t deserve you.” It’s not meant to sting or catch her off guard, Lucretia knows—for Taako, it’s simple and solid as any other fact.

And she’s not going to dispute him.

“Lup deserves to be happy.”

“Now there’s something we can both fuckin’ agree on.” He sighs and tips his head to rest it against Lup’s, and she nuzzles into his loose curtain of hair, closing her eyes in an unexpected display of peace. Lucretia is sure she sees Taako’s eyes shimmer, but then he blinks and clears his throat and the moment is gone.

She doesn’t get to see him very often, which he would say is entirely on purpose. They’d sealed a single, likeminded pact between them to get along for the sake of Angus’s birthday, but Angus’s birthday is over now—it’s been over for what seems like fifty years. And here they are, getting along by virtue of necessity. It feels right.

Lup’s stomach rumbles, and Taako sits up and curses under his breath. “She hasn’t eaten since… shit,” he mumbles, and Lucretia knows he’s talking to himself, but the fact that he’s willing to do so with her sitting right there is something, at least. “I’ll get a meal going, see if I can get her to eat… uh, Lu, c’mon, we’re goin’ to the kitchen.”

He stands, but Lup doesn’t follow. She remains stubbornly seated, looking up at Taako with those horrible, blank eyes, and looks a little like he’s personally offended her.

“Lup,” he says. “C’mon.”

This time he tugs a little insistently on her hand, and her ears pull back again as she releases a low whine from the back of her throat. Taako drops his grasp, sucks in a shaky breath, and pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s a pressure cooker of exasperation, Lucretia thinks, to use a metaphor he would approve of. He also has thick, dark circles under his eyes and a familiar twitch to his mouth that she knows is the harbinger of a full-on breakdown.

“Fuck—Lup, please—”

“Go make the food,” says Lucretia. Lup’s ears twitch towards her, and she looks over without any of the feral hostility they’ve all gotten used to. “I’ll watch her.”

Taako stares her down. She knows he wants the next words out of his mouth to be why should I let you, but she also knows he’s too exhausted to push back. Instead, he holds out a finger like it’s an arcane focus and says, “If you—if you pull any shit—”

“I won’t��”

“—I swear to gods I’ll make you wish we never saved your ass.” He drops the finger and turns back to Lup. “I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”

There’s no response, of course. Taako sighs and heads to the kitchen, although not without a pointed glance over his shoulder. Lucretia doesn’t bother returning it in kind.

That leaves her with Lup, except Lup isn’t herself, so—

A faucet turns on down the hall, followed by the sound of a cabinet slamming heatedly shut. Taako cooks when he’s stressed. He has the manic energy Lucretia’s never been able to muster, the impulse to do something and then the compulsion to actually do it. They share inattention and nothing else. She has a book in her lap, a small fiction she’s been struggling to get through between running the Bureau of Benevolence and the persistent desire to sleep the rest of her life away, and for the last several minutes she’s been thumbing over the pages and wearing her skin raw. It focuses her. (Granted, for what, she’s not entirely sure.)

A hand lays over hers, and Lucretia almost jumps out of her skin. Lup’s eyes catch hers, still dim, still hollowed out like two black holes where stars used to reside. It’s too easy to slip into celestial metaphors to describe her.

She doesn’t say anything—mutism is one of the symptoms, as they’ve started to refer to them, like this is a stubborn virus or some other affliction. But she folds her fingers gently through Lucretia’s and pulls, tipping her head towards the couch, and the empty space where Taako had taken up residence next to her.

“Oh,” says Lucretia, because she can’t think to say anything else. “Oh, you want me to…?”

Lup doesn’t understand her—another symptom—but she continues to press her stare. What else can Lucretia do but oblige? She slides the book carefully off her lap and joins Lup on the couch, folding her legs underneath her. As soon as she gets situated, like Lup can sense it, she nudges gently at Lucretia’s shoulder and leans in.

(And they’re back on the Starblaster, and Lup’s fingers snag gently in Lucretia’s curls as they sit against each other under the dim glow of the stars. Any moment now she’ll ask a question in her low, resonant voice, and Lucretia will crack a self-indulgent smile and respond, and say something that would embarrass her for cycles to come if not for the fact that they keep no secrets from each other.)

Instead Lucretia freezes. Lup doesn’t seem to notice. She doesn’t close her eyes, but her ears stoop to a gentle incline and her breathing evens from its short, choppy exhales. It reminds Lucretia of honey-gold mornings and sun-warmed skin between tangled sheets, and it’s wrong; she knows this, even though something about it feels numbingly right. She shouldn’t be wanting Lup’s hand curled lightly in her lap, or her weight against Lucretia’s chest.

She shouldn’t be wanting it and yet she wants so much. She wants Lup back and right now, this is the closest she’s going to get.

The clamor from the kitchen fades into white noise. Lup rests in the curve of her shoulder, and for once Lucretia doesn’t ache with the need to flex her fingers and fold them into her palm, or thumb over the pages of her book. She lets the world phase just slightly out of focus because she, like everyone, is more exhausted than she realizes. They hadn’t given her something to do in the aftermath. She’d become a sentinel of her own accord.

It’s appropriate, she decides, for her inclination; protecting the ones she loves for better or for worse.

Lup is warm. She’s always been warm, like magic is constantly running hot through her veins, and even in this state Lucretia can feel the power thrumming faintly beneath her skin. It’s a vibration; a distinctly choppy hum. There is both a power and a fragility to it that together is unlike anything Lucretia’s ever heard.

The reason she’s never heard anything like it is, of course, because it’s not actually arcane power that Lucretia can feel through the fabric of her blouse.

It’s a purr—a soft, oscillating rumble that spills from Lup’s throat and radiates outward in tiny vibrations. Where they land, goosebumps scatter across Lucretia’s skin, and cautiously she tips her head to verify the sound. As she does, Lup’s eyelashes flutter, and the purring—because that’s what it is, without question—jumps noticeably in volume. She leans toward the crook of Lucretia’s neck on what looks like instinct, like the same gravity that seems to hold them in orbit around each other is at work once again.

The same gravity that nestles in Lucretia’s gut and aches like it’s been a century. A day and a half is nothing compared to a hundred years but right now, it feels entirely as if the two are the same.

So she tucks her head over Lup’s and listens to her purr. There’d been an occurrence over the course of the mission—only once, because to Lup and Taako intimacy was sacrosanct. But she’d been curled up against the headboard, Lup lounging across her lap, and gently massaging an ear. And just like that, like a switch had been flipped, Lup started purring. She’d realized it after a moment or two and propped herself up with an embarrassed grimace, face distinctly pinker than it should have been. “Hey, Luce,” she’d said. “I’d appreciate it if you, uh, kept that to yourself. It’s kind of a…”

“An elf thing?” Lucretia had guessed.

She’d been right, as it turned out; a little-known racial quirk that elves liked to keep under wraps. Lucretia respected her wishes, and after that night, she didn’t hear it again. Apparently it had been long enough that she’d forgotten about it altogether.

She remembers two things, now:

Elves purr when they’re content, or

they purr when they’re distressed.

Lucretia looks down at Lup and can’t even begin to fathom which of the latter it would be.

She abandons that train of thought and reaches up to smooth a hand over Lup’s hair. Lup doesn’t protest, so Lucretia lets her fingers slide through the loose strands and gently massage her scalp. The purring gets louder. It’s a completely involuntary thing—she’s sure of it—but there’s a small, selfish part of her that thinks, she knows it’s me. This is for me. Lup doesn’t understand the nuances of her relationship with Lucretia or what they’ve been through together, but she feels safe. Safe with Lucretia. Safe enough to purr.

Taako is so quiet that Lucretia doesn’t even realize he’s there until he slouches into the armchair where she had been. She jumps, and Lup’s ear flicks attentively, but the purring’s tempo doesn’t break.

“Food’s cooking,” is all he says. There’s a bitter edge to his tone that she thinks, for once, isn’t directed at her.

Lucretia’s eyes fix on the ring fitted perfectly to Taako’s finger. It’s a cluster of bright pink tourmaline encased in transmuted silver, brilliant enough to catch the light and throw it in prisms across the room.

“I’ll get up,” she says.

He waves a dismissive hand. “You’re chill. Lup’s comfortable, so—so just stay where you are.”

“You don’t—”

“Lucretia,” he says, “I don’t give a flying fuck what I’m—about how I feel right now, and neither should you. This ain’t about me.”

The pointed look that tangles in Lup’s eyelashes tells Lucretia everything else she needs to know.

She doesn’t try to argue further. For one, it’s an argument she’s not going to win, and for the other—for once—she hasn’t the faintest idea what they would be arguing about. So she starts to card her fingers through Lup’s hair again, and Lup continues to purr, and Taako stares vacantly in the direction of the kitchen as if there’s something he’s forgotten.

That night, Kravitz and Merle portal in through the front yard. Lucretia and Barry are there to greet them, and the latter’s shirt is stained and his hair is sticking up in sleep-thick spikes, but right then he looks more awake than ever.

Diamond dust glitters in the valleys of Merle’s palm as he lays his hand on Lup. The air thickens with the scent of ozone. Taako’s fingers are laced tightly through hers once more, and he doesn’t say anything, but she can see his shoulders shaking.

The effect is instantaneous.

“Well, shit,” says Lup, when the light returns to her eyes. She sees Taako sitting next to her first and pulls him into her arms, and just like that, the room heaves a sigh of relief. Barry takes her face in her hands and kisses her hard, and Magnus barges past and sweeps them all into a hug, ignoring Taako and Merle’s harmonious complaining. Kravitz manages an awkward pat until he, too, is pulled headfirst into the embrace.

Lucretia stands in the doorway. The world is quiet and dark outside and the neighbors’ well-kept lawns glimmer with a late rainfall.

She leaves.

Or she tries to, at least, because she only gets as far as the porch before the door swings open behind her and light from the hallway spills around her feet. “ ’Cretia,” Lup says. “Where’re you going?”

A best of silence, and the door closes of its own accord. It’s just them, now, standing in the dim glow of the porch light with the faint buzz of crickets in the distance.

“I missed you,” says Lucretia.

Lup steps forward and takes her gently by the shoulders. “I missed you too. So why don’t you stick around? Taako’s making dinner.”

“I can’t.”

She sighs. “If you think they’ll be weird—”

Lucretia shakes her head. “It’s not them, it’s me.”

She knows Lup won’t argue with that. Instead she drums her fingers against Lucretia’s sleeves and says, “You were there the whole time, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Lup leans forward and presses her lips lightly to Lucretia’s, and despite herself, Lucretia leans in. She really has missed Lup—missed this—the way she has to rock forward on her tiptoes to reach her and the way Lup smiles against her mouth and the way she feels nothing else, except the ebb and pull of the kiss itself. They might have spent an eternity standing there on the porch, half-drowned in golden light and shivering slightly in the chill. Lucretia knows she wouldn’t mind.

But all the best things must come to an end, and Lup pulls away with a small, dazed grin.

“My girl,” she murmurs. “Missed you like crazy. You really won’t stay, huh?”

“I can’t,” is all Lucretia says.

“Okay.” She hops off the porch and sits on the stoop, then pats the concrete next to her. “Sit with me for a little bit, then. Tell me about what I missed.”

Lucretia does. She sits down and doesn’t bother sugarcoating it, because she knows Lup will hate that even more than not knowing. So she unflinchingly recounts the seconds after Lup fell and how Taako and Barry’s spells had ripped the necromancer apart. She tells Lup about the way she’d screamed at the sight of the rift and how she’d bared her teeth at anyone other than Taako who’d come close. She recites bits and pieces of Barry and Kravitz’s argument.

Lup listens without comment. When Lucretia stops—whether it’s just to stop or to take a breath, she isn’t sure—she says, “I’ve got these… impressions. Like vague memories, emotions… it’s like everything’s blurred.” She grins ruefully. “Kinda hard to make acute observations when your intelligence takes a fuckin’ swan dive, huh?”

Lucretia doesn’t respond at first, and Lup notices. “Everything okay?”

“What’s wrong with you?” says Lucretia.

The crickets seem deafeningly loud just then, filling up the space with their incessant chirping and almost overpowering what she says next. “You weren’t yourself, and it was fucking terrifying. And it didn’t even make any sense, because one minute you were growling at everyone, and the next you were—”

Her sentence hangs like a woman off a precipice. “You were… it doesn’t matter. You just—you’re cracking jokes and kissing me and acting like none of this happened, and it did happen, and it scared the life out of all of us, and I don’t know how you can be so—so chill about all of it when a spell literally destroyed your mind.”

“Oh,” Lup says. That’s it. Lucretia’s just started to kick herself for being stupid, for reprimanding Lup just minutes after she’s come back to herself because she doesn’t deserve that, gods dammit, when she says, “Y’know what? That’s fair.”

Lucretia blinks. “Um—um, yeah. Yeah, it is.”

She leans back on the heels of her hands, gazing up at the edge of the overhang and beyond that, the brilliant spread of stars. “I’m not gonna lie, Luce. I feel like shit. But when you fix somebody, they’re supposed to be fixed, right? No exceptions. No side effects. You forgive and forget and you—whoops, sorry, babe,” she says, because she catches Lucretia’s flinch, because of course she does. “Bad choice of words. But my point is that it shouldn’t be this hard to suck it up and move on.”

“Lup?”

“Yeah, hon.”

“It’s been five minutes.”

Lup chuckles and releases a long sigh. “Sure has.”

They sit in silence for a few moments. Somewhere behind the house, a carriage trundles by, accompanied by a couple raised voices and someone’s airy laughter. As the voices fade away, Lup says, “It coulda hit any one of you.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Yeah, it is,” she says, and doesn’t snap, even though her voice gets noticeably sharper. “There’s a scenario out there where the spell hits you, instead. Or Taako. Or Barry, or Angus… I could go on and on, and that, right there?” Lup’s finger jabs at an invisible spot in the air. “That’s the point. The fact that the spell hit me and not anybody else. I’m happy to take the hit—hell, I’m thrilled if it means no one else has to go through that.”

There’s no way Lucretia can counter that without compromising her beliefs. “You’re a good person,” she says. It’s not a hollow sentiment, but it does sound like one.

“I’m pissed off is what I am,” says Lup, but she puts a hand on Lucretia’s thigh and squeezes.

“I’ll get over it,” she murmurs. “Always do.”

They spend another few seconds in silence, although the way they pass, it could have been measured in eternities. Lup’s thumb presses absentminded circles into the side of Lucretia’s knee.

“Barry passed out,” she says suddenly; affectionately. “Dumbass. He always likes to say he’ll sleep when he’s dead, and since he’s a lich already that doesn’t mean jack, so…”

Lup falls silent for a few moments more, and then she says, “When did you last get some sleep?”

Lucretia thinks. She hadn’t so much as closed her eyes on the Starblaster, and the night before she’d gotten about five hours on the tail end of an enormous amount of paperwork. Suddenly the leaden weight in her limbs makes a lot more sense. “It’s been awhile.”

“Then you’re a dumbass, too,” says Lup.

Fair assessment.

Their intimacy from earlier in the day sticks sharp and clear in Lucretia’s mind. She’s been wrestling with how to bring it up, like there’s any way she can casually discuss the mechanics of want under Feeblemind, and it occurs to her then that the best way to mention it is just to mention it. So she takes a soft breath and says, “You purred.”

Lup’s ear twitches as she glances over. “I what?”

“You purred,” Lucretia repeats. “When we were… um, you seemed like you wanted me, uh… near you, so I went to sit with you, and you purred. And I felt like I should, uh. Say something? So. There it is. You purred.”

It’s in a note somewhere in her journals, that elves’ pupils expand just so when they’re taking in new information. Lup’s eyes look like two small moons. “Oh,” she says, a little more meaningfully than people usually say such things. “Well, I, uh… I’m comfortable with you. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Lucretia supposes it does.

“Yeah,” she admits. “I guess so.”

“Well, there you have it.” Lup’s tone is flippant, but the tips of her ears are a rosy pink. She tucks an arm around Lucretia’s shoulders and pulls her close, and Lucretia gratefully relents to the pull. It’s like giving in to fifty years of fear and uncertainty and memories she still can’t keep herself from reliving, but because she’s in Lup’s arms, none of it matters anymore. It’s over, she thinks. It’s not okay but it’s over.

Lucretia’s intuition tells her that any moment now, someone is going to come to the door to check on the two of them. The sacrament of their moment will be broken, and the agony and trauma of the past few days will come flooding back in.

It’s like a dangling participle—paranoid, inevitable.

But they’ve weathered much worse together.

[youcancallmemeimei]

hey i wish you are doing well, and thank you so much for your sincere reply ^ㅡ^)/ did you try to make me cry ..?! maybe I'm just a little bit too emo thesedays but wow.. you really do put your emotions into your writings and it just shoots straight to the bottom of my heart like constant thundering and lightening as in a goood way! you must be a natural writer who could write stuff like the actual writers do! meaning your writings are pretty powerful and I could almost feel your breath in it!! Really Impressive.

and about why I didn't want to see a sunlight the other day.. maybe I should tell you some of my personal stuffs so you could better understand of me first but then it will become... like a book literally.. lol so I will try to keep it simple for you, and say I was just bit blue the other day.. ^^ just like everyone gets their time ykno, and thank you so much for the wishes!

and idk why.. but your supermarket example is so on point and makes me smile somehow haha you sound like a very cute and smart person, because you get to learn when you ask things to others and you already know that mechanism so well :) and your cheering words are very touching and bringing positive emotions to me and I much appreciate it for your kindness ^^! and you are right.. I got you! an online buddy :)

and about the hiding things .. and omg haha those LEGO and rocket examples indeed you nailed them again! ^^ and yep you got the good points! and I hope i didn’t confuse you at the same time. Many of these stuffs i was talking about were the things that happened at work because mainly my life is just between home and the work. and as you could imagine some work environment can be very toxical with a lot of politics involved, and because i was in a such role to discuss with other parties that are not my side of the team i had to often times represent my twhole division to discuss and argue with others to defend my team. and It could easily become very muddy, dirty and finger pointing. I’ve got hammered down a few times at work and they became very traumatic for me. i was trying to stay clean and transparent about my stuff so i said thing just as they were, and not giving them what they wanted to hear, and yea. But anyways, i couldn’t agree with you more to ur saying about LEGO (lego in capital letters makes it so much like it lol) and rocket in general. and Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Do you still hold your own small world inside of you? You know those small worlds where you can nurture your own imaginations, dreams, thought processes, ego, self esteem and all that?

winters have come to me about few years ago, and started to shadow over my life a little bit. and I had to make some mess inside of that small world. Funny thing is.. sometimes u get to hate what you used love especially when things go bad around u. it's really irony but that's how strong the perspective plays its role in our life I think. I used to love and care for my small world and built the strong wall around it, but for some reason it became like a very dark gotham city haha not that I'm a batman who tries to save it but more like one of those villains that lives in gotham city who's full of hatred LOL. yeah it sounds bit too stretchy, and yea probably i'm just stretching it to just make it sound funny..^^* LOL. just, there has been some undisclosed paradox in my life which i interpreted things wrongly and things went bad, and i no longer can fully trust my own thoughts or ideas. i'll keep that a short like that because it's not gonna be a good story anyways and i think i already said many bluesy things up there lol. ^^; excuse me for writing such stuff, i’m also slightly venting in here,

Anyways, thanks for the kind and warm words and emotions. And yes i should be happy on my own. And i wish thay they come sooner than later as well, because i’m really barely hanging on in this life haha, desperately need to find some way to gain back those self trusts lol.. well i will just silently wait until then because when i ‘try’ things it don’t go so well, but when i let things just flow as they supposed to be sometimes that work more better. idk lol, i still believe god is there for all of us, might shed me some light on me when the season comes.

and YES i do feel very happy that i could write something like unnecessarily wrong wall of texts with poor grammars and not really organized but you still try to understand and guving me your thought about it is really a small miracle to me indeed :) thanks many times.

i wish we had apple watches so we could give nudges each other LOL , but let’s think.. maybe sharing the apple music playlist? Idk. If you wan i can give you my id. or we could be on a same discord channel and be able to hear each other all through out the day? HAHA omg imagine that i forget to turn it off before going to the bathroom, gosh this is the worst idea.... haha i will try to think aboit that as well.. if you get some better thought do let me know too because whatever that is i think could be helpful and fun :) but just way you suggested this in your writing is somehow very touching to me and thanks for letting me feeling that. Back to think of it, i think i miss those feelings.

Hey Good morning! and in case I don't see ya; good afternoon, good evening, and good night! -🐸

Thank you!! I'm not a writer but i do love to write sometimes, but there's no one to read so....

I'm glad I'm making you feel happy, (i hope so haha) and I'm glad you're no longer in that toxic situation, i mean.... Jobs are usually hard but I've heard people say your job should be like "you're being paid to do what you love" and sometimes were privileged enough to do it but sometimes were not, and when you are in a toxic environment where your mental and physical are threatened you should think about it twice before staying there, but also we should try a little more, because we're not always the victims in bad situations, sometimes it's our fault, what I mean is that we should analyze both parties right? Your side and their side, sometimes were taking things too personal, but others times we should be taking them personal. It's all about balance and knowing were yours boundaries are but also knowing your weak points.

Of course I do have my own little world, and I'm happy to keep a couple of things just for myself. Because at the end of the day I'm all i have, and of course there's situations where our small world is troubled but why should we give our energy to something that doesn't deserve it, idk, sometimes we worry about such little things and we feed them and feed them and feed them just but thinking about it,then they start to be bigger than us when they should've just never existed in first place, something's are not worth it, is not even worth it to be thinking about them, and yeah, sometimes we change our mind and the things that we used to love are not pleasant anymore, that's what growing up is about, but that doesn't make you a villain, that makes you a human, you're not wrong for changing your mind.

Sometimes we push so hard so things to go on our way when we're better how we are, have you heard "go with the flow"? That's what we should do, a sudden situation happens? Let it happen, take the best from it, learn from it and keep going, of course God is there for us, we should look for him, and we'll find him!

I think being in a discord chanel together would be nice!!

So I've done it already, here's the link!

You've got an hour hahaha

https://discord.gg/dQ3b9s5

Good morning!!!! Or night? Afternoon? Evening?

[dambehcoffee]

Its now been 2 months since the initial breakup.

A few days ago, November 14th, I saw him and we spoke.

I just remember being extremely nervous going in, not ready to get my heart broken but also wanting to see him so bad that I went willingly to my own death.

Somehow, by the grace of God, it ended up being my best case scenario. He did miss me. He did want to be together. All of it wasn't a lie. He feels the same way I do towards him. But he's not ready to be in a relationship right now.

A part of me is ok with that. Because I know what wanting to find himself feels like all too well. And it must not have been easy for him.

I really did I want to be mad at him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was just ... so happy to be around him. I felt normal again. I could breathe. I'm regretful that I wasn't able to fully feel my sorrow around him so that I could be consoled by him. The only person I wanted around to make it better. But I was just so happy.

There's hope there. The want for both of us to be together. But an understanding that maybe it's good that we both take time to better ourselves. As he said, an equal footing. As he said, we are in two very different places in our lives. And hopefully we can be together when we are ready.

He was willing... to appease my parents when it came time for it. I was so scared he would be against it. I had spoken and asked about if he would help me appease them and even go to church maybe once a month to make them happy. I had asked so that maybe... maybe this biggest fear of mine, would be the only way for me to let go and give up. But he didn't say what I thought he'd say. He said he'd be there. It made me cry, the relief I felt hearing that. It did the inverse of forcing myself to move on I think, but still.

We hugged and kissed and cuddled when we shouldn't have. Sexual tensions and touching. Not going all the way. But it felt so good to be able to be that close after so long. We didn't go all the way because I was scared id see him in a bad light. I'm glad we did stop. Because now a few days later, I dont know how I feel. But I dont want it to become resentment and hate. But it was nice that we just fell back into each other. The comfort and attraction was all real. I made sure he wouldn't be able to forget how good we have it too. And it also made me remember how good we did have it. Could have it. Can have it.

When I told him "thanks for giving me closure", for the first time he said that this wasn't closure. Closure means we are closing the door on each other. It made me cry. It was the first time he gave 'us' hope out loud. I had asked him so many times if we were real, if he wanted us to be together, and so on... I was so glad. I still am.

I've been feeling better than before since I saw him. Almost back to normal. I think my brain is either in extreme denial, in hope or blocking everything out. I think of him but I dont feel. It almost feels like he never existed. I'm not sure how long thing will go on. The anxiety of losing him will come back soon I think. But im trying to enjoy being able to breathe for now.

He apologized I think two days after we saw each other that he's a weak man and that he shouldn't have touched me. That he's very sorry if he made me feel terrible. I did shed a tear. Because I was sad that he was sad. Because it maybe did feel a certain way. But he stopped when I asked him to. And held me until my irrational thoughts went away that day. So im thankful for that.

I should be more sad. I'm too much in denial and hope to feel that that day was the last time I'd maybe hold him and talk to him that way. I made my demands. I gave him my letters. I fixed his beanie. I gave him back one of his shirts. I just hope that he does miss me everyday like he said he does. That he comes back to me. I know ill break soon. Just dont know when.

We agreed to touch base around Christmas. Thats in 2 months I think. Having... that date to learn how to be alone. To be ok without him around is daunting. I promised I'd try. I'm not sure if by then I'll come to terms and actually process that I might have lost him forever... but I know that we both want to stay together or be together in this lifetime. I need to be able to get through these 2 months NOT because of excitement that ill see him again, but because I'm ok without having him around. Without counting down the days I get to see him. Just... be ok on my own. Be ok that maybe when christmas comes, he won't feel the same way. A part of me thinks I'm being paranoid but another is skeptical.

I looked at his pictures before writing this. I almost feel like he's a stranger now. Its weird what my brain is doing. I think im slowly going back to how I saw him when we first met. I'm starting to see maybe some flaws. Why am I so in love with this man? How dare he hurt me? Leave me? How selfish is he? What was so great about him? Why was so dependent on him? I dont understand why and how my brain can think this way, maybe self preservation. I dont know yet. But I do know that today, I went out and bought seeds. Forget me not and sunflower. So that I can visually see my growth and time passed. I know I felt a certain amount of anxiety in case I didnt find the seeds today. I needed it to be today that I did it. I'm not sure if they'll survive or germinate in the weird ecocube I bought, so I might order new seeds. But I do know I tried. I do know when I force myself to really think about losing him, a feeling of dread starts to encompass me, so I stop.

Its been 2 months since I lost what could be the love of my life. My maybe soulmate. I dont know... how ill be in the future. What will happen to us... im scared to think of it. But I trust him, bet on us and myself that we'll make it work. ... I really pray for it.

He helped me... get that internship at autodesk. I'm happy I got it. I'm happy he helped me calm down. Was it his fault that I was so broken in the first place? Maybe but still... I have now something to anchor myself for the winter. At least for the winter. Something I was dreading... because I won't get to spend it with him. So many things we will miss in 2021. I really hope he comes back soon...

I miss you buba. I know i do. For right now though, I'll try saving myself. See you at Christmas.

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

[ayatanskywalker4u]

NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.

[fanwarriorsunite4life]

So my bad anon, I totally ended up screwing up your ask and shiz by accident but i promise i got it- you wanted me to answer all questions so you got it:

lets get personal.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Its been varying a SHIT ton over the last two months especially, but ATM i currently love:

Body on Fire by Maggie Rose

Too Many Love Songs by Maggie Rose (notice a trend?)

B-A-B-Y by Carla Thomas

I Don’t Believe You - Pink

Life of the Party - All Time Low

Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

um, all the people I’m gonna meet at ClexaCon in April! Celebs, other fans, and all! IM SO EXCITED ITS GONNA BE THE BEST FUCKING WEEKEND.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

There isnt a book next to me? theres random magazines on the kitchen table. page 23 is an add for Poise Impressa bladder leakage shit lol

4: What do you think about most?

I kinda really want to plead the fifth on this, but probably two things: how I want to make my work ethic better and make a better difference and how I dont feel I can do that until I get my personal shit together. And how I really want a certain someone to be at my side while I do that so I can be on theirs too. guess thats 3.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

From my lil sis: “Okay, np”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

lmao it depends. If im really exhausted, then i may sleep without a shirt. If im with a SO then I will sleep naked, but I dont ever do that myself unless I’m just that hungover or something. So clothes it is. 

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I honestly dont know lol. erm... let me get back to you on that. Does it count if my left leg is wayyy more flexible than my right? dont ask me why. i have no clue 

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are a gift to the world. boys are a gift to the world. 

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I am aware of. Fun (not fun) fact: I’m way more afraid of not being spoken of than being spoken of poorly. idk man. if anyone has written a poem or song about me, plz feel free to share

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

holy shit, i have no clue. usually im more of an air drums person. in that case, yesterday. 

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I HATE SPUDS ON POTATOES SPUDDY POTATOES SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME DONT PLAY 

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

not that i reminder? maybe a coin or something as a kid? its very possible.

13: What’s your religion?

if i identified with anything, it would be an agnostic universalist.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

hanging out with friends and family

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind, but i do have a secret desire to be in front of it. my insecurities currently outweigh my ego in putting myself in front of it, but if someone asked me to do it, i prob would. people just dont ask.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Halestorm. Without a doubt.

17: What was the last lie you told?

oh god. I probably told one while canvassing today. I said i donated to one of the organizations that i represent but i dont. oops. did it to convince people that they are good orgs to donate too (in my defence, they ARE and they are wonderful orgs, i just dont have the money to donate)

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, but i dont really use karma for consistent rationalization

19: What does your URL mean?

WE ARE ALL FAN WARRIORS OF OUR OWN FANDOMS AND WE SHOULD ALL FUCKING UNITE IN OUR AWESOMENESS

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Greatest weakness? I’m loyal to a fault and will fight for what I want till the bitter end. I’m recently admitting that I have the martyr complex, im pretty sure. Strength? You get me passionate about something, you gain my love, then I’m all in. I’ll work my ass off for whatever that is. 

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Kat barrell and Natasha Negovanlis, as of rn. but i love so many others

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i dont. i bottle it up and try to avoid it. I’ve been trying to go to the gym tho; that helps when i actually do it. writing helps too, when i do it. Definitely need to find a better way to deal with my emotions. its harder to find time during adult life mayn.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

comics, poetry books, my own writings, quarter collection... probably something else im not thinking of

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

FACETIME IS WHERE ITS AT

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Yes and no. 

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Sound I hate? loud city noises, particularly construction shit. Love? ... I hate myself, but the sound of people I love telling me they love me too. SHUTUP ITS A SOUND I SAID NOTHING WHAT

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

Usually its “What if I didn’t fuck up?” or “What if I was reincarnated into something?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I wanna believe in ghosts but i cant say i do. Aliens: hell yeah.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right - kitchen towel and my ECU bag and keys. Left - magazine and table

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

my house’s normal smell. and food i just ate.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

My own mind at its worst. Or, physical place, probably a mental hospital.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

I cant say; I’ve never been West. So East for now until I see the West.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

I like never think about this. um. Zayn is cute?

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Finding a reason to breathe. Sometimes its family, friends, work, money, power- I think everyone’s meaning of life is different.

36: Define Art.

anything you make to express yourself or help yourself heal.

37: Do you believe in luck?

I kinda have too, I was an athlete.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

dark and cloudy.

39: What time is it?

7:07 pm and im totally running late to pick up my sis. (update - finishing this around 11:11 ooo make a wish cause i had to go get my sis so)

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes. Never “crashed” but have hit someone before and have been hit.

41: What was the last book you read?

A poetry book by Lauren Zuniga. That counts.

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

No, but I like the smell of paint. 

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Laur-Laur, jiggles, cheesecake, Lo-ren, bean-bean.. others I dont think I should name i guess

44: What was the last film you saw?

Baby Driver

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Injury? Concussion. worst fucking thing of my life. it really was my fault though.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

no

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

oh god yes. if you know me, you know i always obsess. right now, carmilla and wynonna earp are my top two. easily.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bisexual, preference for women, fight me

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

I honestly dont know

50: Do you believe in magic?

I want too.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yeah. Well, yes and no. i dont hold a grudge to never have them apart of my life usually, but i never forget what they did to me. never.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

lol spend. i need to save. so bad.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

groceries

55: Love or lust?

I know this may shock people that know me, but love. lust isnt any good without it. thats what i would pick if i had to choose, but i rather like the idea they exist together. they can exist separately, but they go best together for me personally.

56: In a relationship?

no, but i hope things will get better.

57: How many relationships have you had?

ones I actually really loved being in wholeheartedly? 1. total? 4. I’d say 5 but im not really counting one of them lol.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

hell yeah

59: Where were you yesterday?

work and then home feeling down. then i played my video game, Just cause 3, till midnight

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

magazine

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yes

62: What’s your favourite animal?

kangaroos and zebras

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

... be a huge fucking dork and hope they dont fucking hate me

64: Where is your best friend?

.......the ones talking to me? charlotte, greensboro, greenville, raleigh (NC), texas... the one not talking to me? ... virginia/dc area

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

any of the ones with funny text posts/memes on wynonna earp and carmilla

66: What is your heritage?

im a white asshole with some native american in me. Choctaw. I need to learn more about my family history AND remember it.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

finishing up playing my name

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

angelface

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA dear fuck yes. duh. oh my fucking god im laughing so hard at this.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

loyal to a fault and there at your beck and call? yeah. not always the best listener? nah

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I’m gonna save the fucking dog and my boss can kiss my damn ass.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I’d definitely tell people. At first I wouldn’t know how, and id contemplate if its important enough to tell or not, but eventually i would. id start with those close to me. idk if id want to tell everyone. id want to travel a damn lot with those i love. go new places, try new things, build as many memories as possible. because hell yeah id be afraid. I’m terrified of death and the afterlife; not knowing what happens after we pass. 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

I think love is built on trust, so love. trust isnt always built on love.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

love on top, beyonce. literally saved my life freshman year of college.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

F8ME

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

kinda a big one, especially for myself lately. um. I think a great relationship has a good foundation. because in the end, every relationship faces struggles and is gonna be “tested”, for lack of a better word. and what can we turn back to when we feel things arent where they need to be? the foundation. its like a house; if somethings wrong with it, but the foundation is still sturdy, its probably possible and worth fixing. if the foundation is cracked, its more risky; if the foundation is completely crushed, then its probably not a great relationship anymore.

77: How can I win your heart?

Unless you’re the person who currently has my heart right now, you can’t. or if you’re a dog. dogs win my heart. if you’re a dog, congrats. the person who has my heart has to share. sorry, i dont make the rules.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

how is this a question? the craziest fucking people in the world are the most creative. Yes, yes, and more yes.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

this is intense. hmmmm. making a tumblr and going back on it in college. yeah. it led to my last relationship. best damn thing that ever happened to me.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

10 or 11

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

I’d want someone else to write a poem or something about me. i dont want to be buried. cremation bitch (after taking my organs out for science of course)

82: What is your favourite word?

currently i really just like cussing. fuck.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the name of my current ex. 

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

We accept the love we think we deserve.

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

i legit am trying to look at my iphone to see what last played in my car, but its being an asshole. I wanna say the last i remember is Craving you by Thomas Rhett. im already listening to wayy more country than i usually do lately.

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

in order: purple, blue, red

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A quote that says: “i know you’re sad, so i wont tell you to have a good day. Instead, I’ll simply advice you to have a day. Stay Alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and dont give up on yourself just yet. it’ll get better. until then, have a day.”

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Can I make an entire building explode? preferably -cough- a building that houses certain gov officials i am not happy with -cough-?

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Any question that I know would upset someone. I’m working on trying to not be honest to a fault. to be honest when need be, and to know when i dont need to be brutally honest. im terrified of being too honest again in general.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

honestly, scream and be frozen in fear. idk man. wheres my baseball bat when i need it? idc if they arent doing anything, they need to GTFO of my room.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

teleportation

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

holy crap. wow. a half hour? idk. theres a lot. a recent one is the hayley kiyoko concert though. that concert was just absolutely phenomenal. 100/10

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I wouldnt erase any horrible experience, because they made me who i am and helped me learn what i know. if i hadnt experienced what i experienced, that one thing not happening can change my entire life.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Honestly, right now, I wouldnt. and i dont think i ever would. i get too starstruck easily and have way too much respect and awe for the celebrities i like. i honestly do think of them as higher beings than me (not gods but like, ya know, out of my league lmao) so nah. now if we become friends and theyre a cuddler? then yes i will SLEEP next to them. SLEEP.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

i have that crazy urge to travel like a crazy person rn, so if i only had one free plane ticket, i’d go somewhere i otherwise couldnt right now, like italy. i really want to go to italy one day.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not that im aware of, but who knows

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

...actually yes! I was severely dehydrated once and my mom had me drink 3 bottles of water back to back. then we got in the car and as she started driving, i got sick, so she pulled over and i sat there getting ready to vomit when a cop pulled over and was like “hey, you okay?” and my mom just explained i was sick, and as he walked over to look at me thats when i threw up ALLLLL that water. he stepped back so quick and was all like “do you want me to call an ambulance?”. it was great. thats how you get rid of cops. throw up in front of them (sarcasm)

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yup! ive flown to new hampshire and kansas before.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

probably some long ass rant about how fucked up the world is and how we need to turn around our governments and get them to work back for the people, not for fucking corporations and capitalism, or the capitalistic aspects of socialism.