#god i've been analyzing this for 48 hours straight i had to get it out

[peripetual]

I was angry with Steve’s ending at first. But the more I thought about, the more I was able to justify it until I’ve finally found some peace in it. First to clear the air: Bucky definitely knew what was going on. I still don’t fully understand all of the time travel logistics of this (if he created an alternate universe, why was he already on the bench instead of coming out of the portal? Does this mean he was Peggy’s husband the whole time? Is our main continuity actually the alternate timeline that he had created?). Also, I don’t think this takes away Peggy’s autonomy in any way. Assuming the alternate timeline theory is true, her other husband and family still exist just fine in the main timeline. The main problem I had with the ending was the nagging feeling that, well, this isn’t a decision that Steve would make. Until I realized that it might be. 

To start with, let’s take Tony, as a comparison who had a pretty stereotypical hero’s arc and went, in the most general terms, from selfish to selfless (no hate on Tony’s arc lmao I love him and obviously it was more complex than this, but that was the basic transition. He went from egotistical playboy to, well, Iron Man.) Steve’s arc can be thought of as the opposite. He starts out as bright and shiny Steve Rogers, the ultimate underdog who just wants to prove his worth and help fight for the cause he believes in. He’s literally the perfect, selfless soldier. After he sacrificed himself to save the world and went into the ice, when he woke up, he did the same thing. He joined S.H.I.E.L.D. and continued to devote himself to an organization that he believed was protecting the world. He had lost everyone and everything he had ever known, so his entire life became about the mission. But that very organization and, by extension, his entire life, turned out to be a lie. And so he lost that faith in the government and institutions in general. He still hung onto the team he had built, but in Civil War, when Tony was guilt-ridden by all the destruction they had caused, Steve still acted so selflessly. Of course he felt guilty too--anyone who denies that is insane--but unlike Tony, he truly believed that the government couldn’t be trusted to regulate the Avengers. And who could blame him? And so he, more than anyone else, was willing to shoulder the crushing blame and guilt for the deaths of innocent civilians  because he knew that it was what was best for the public at large. But he was treated like a criminal despite the fact that he was just trying to do what was best. Even worse, he was treated like a criminal by one of his best friends, who on numerous occasions (especially at the beginning of Endgame) made it very clear that he still blamed Steve for the things that had gone wrong. He became a vigilante, still acting selflessly but not trusting anyone anymore except for a few people. And then Steve lost his two best friends, Sam and Bucky, for five years. Five years where he was constantly reminded of the fact that they had failed. But he still kept going, and his closest friend by far was Nat, and they kept fighting despite everything seeming more and more useless. And then Nat dies. She sacrifices herself to save the world. And so does Tony, who also sacrifices himself to save the world. Steve is still there, but he can’t shake the feeling that it should’ve been him, and after it’s all over, part of him wishes he had sacrificed himself too. Because he knows it’s a selfish thing to think, but it would’ve been easier. He would have finally saved the world and actually, genuinely helped people; he would’ve been treated like a hero; he wouldn’t have to deal with the gaping emptiness of his life afterwards. Because his entire life had been about the mission, and it was over. And sure, he had Sam and he had Bucky. He had Wanda and Clint and Maria Hill and everyone else. But he knew that if he stayed, he’d always be Captain America. And he was so, so sick of it. He was tired of losing the only people he trusted. He was tired of living life on edge, constantly fighting for other people only to fail and be blamed for it. He had seen how much Tony loved his new, quiet life, and he had seen how quickly everything could be taken away. And one thing had changed. He was no longer trapped here, in this still-somewhat-unfamiliar world that he had been trapped in for so long. He had just seen Peggy, he had seen the entire world--the entire life--that had been taken from him, and now he had the means to get there. And he knew at this point, what with the surplus of more than capable heroes and everything else that we saw, that Sam and Bucky would be okay and that the world would be okay without him. So he finally, after years and years of putting everyone in the damn universe before himself, did something that would make him happy. 

So no, this decision isn’t one that would have been made by 1945 Steve or by 2012 Steve or even by 2018 Steve. But he’s grown, he’s changed, and he’s been through a hell of a lot since then. He didn’t “go back to the beginning” like everyone’s saying, he didn’t fail to move on with his life. In fact, that’s exactly what he did. He moved on. Not in the sense of linear time, but in the sense of his purpose in life and what he had been missing this whole time. He moved on from being a superhero and became someone else instead. And sure, it would’ve been easier if he had died. It would’ve been easier if he had sacrificed himself to save the world and died a hero, exactly like how he started. But this ending is messier and more complicated, and so is Steve. He’s not a different person than we thought he was. 2012 Steve is still 2012 Steve, Civil War Steve is still Civil War Steve. And this Steve is still ours. He still fought to the end to save the world, he was still worthy of wielding Mjolnir, he still understood the importance of beating Thanos and never losing hope. He’s Steve. He’s messy and complicated, parts of him have changed and parts of him definitely haven’t. And that’s why we love him.