#god i wish i was going to sick new world to see sleep token

[sfsolstice]

Well, my love is an animal call Cutting through the darkness, bouncing off the walls Between teeth and a broken jaw Following the bloodtrail, frothing at the maw

[rosyk]

Clichè

pairing: lee minho x reader

genre: heavy or light angst, fluff, marriage, misunderstandings

warnings: light curses, situations that involves deep anger or sadness, mentions of disease, death(?)

word count: 5.2k

a/n: Hi it’s your gal, rosyk. I’m back with writing fanfictions and it’s like 4 in the morning. I haven’t slept yet so there are many grammatically incorrect sentences or spelling errors. Hope you enjoy this one though! (Inspired by Dear John- Taylor Swift)

I sat by the car, the same old one he and I used to drive in. This was a simple car but we swore to use this for our wedding since memories are still stuck. It made me wonder what could’ve happened if everything went right? What would’ve happened to us if there were no obstacles in life? It then made me realize that indeed there were no obstacles, none other than you.

I drove the car to meet your sister who desperately needed to talk to me. She said there were secrets I needed to know but I get the gist of what she’s trying to do. Set me up? Trap me? Convince me? So I could be tempted to get back into your cage? I don’t want that to happen, never again. I’m sick and tired of this one-sided relationship I never noticed because I was blinded. Aced all my tests, I am smart. But when it comes to you, I look like a whole fool trying to fall in love with a guy who gave up. This is why I wanted to show her that I’ve moved on, at least based on my view. Wearing both of my earphones and played our song, I sighed deeply and continued to drive along Cornelia street. My days only revolved around you but what exactly went wrong in between us? Scratch that, what happened to you?

Back then, all I could do was love you. Not less but everything more. I could never stand loving you lesser each day. It’s not on obsessing but to the point that I recognize your feelings though still, I try to force myself. You know how I do grow tired from time to time, but that’s all because I care for you. There’s not much positivity from that though. The downfall happens when I love you much more than you feel for me. It was never equal no matter how I try to persuade myself, desperately needing your affection.

My mother used to tell me how crazy I was to fall for a guy like you. How was I supposed to tell her you were fine since then? Yesterday, you rained me with care. On Friday, you sucked it all up and acted as if nothing happened. All I could do was pray that the guy I used to know, is the one I’ll meet today and greet me in front of the door with wide gentle hugs.

You give me hope, then take it back all at once. I remembered a sunny sky in blue that suddenly turned grey after you decided to shrug me off several times. I was in your tiny piece of chess game. Though you change the rules every day, hoping I would give up until the end. What’s funny is that typically families opposing would be the ones who would give tests to both of the couples to prove their love. And yet, you were the one who was trying to give me a hard time and when I was lost in the thought of giving you up, you decided to save me at the end of the day.

You were a puzzle I couldn’t solve. Little did I know, there was a missing piece I could never find until then. Just like a whole puzzle, you were complicated but due to my drive and need, I had to hang on to my aim. I had to do it because I was convinced by all your “sorry“. Or maybe it’s just me trying to change my mindset to find a reason to stay because I knew there was no difference between all your other sorrys before.

“Which Minho would I be able to talk to on the phone?” It runs through my mind each Sunday of my life and gives me anxiety. But every time I hear the phone ring? I never hesitated to pick it up. No matter what kind of guy I am faced with, I wanted to know deeper why you were acting so confusing. But on that single day, I didn’t pick up the phone. I cried and had sleepless nights. My worst nightmare just came and here’s why:

“Don’t you think this is a good improvement? We’ll sit by the couch and place a big screen tv.” You placed your arm above my shoulder and I continued your lovely story.

“Then we’ll watch your performances?” I looked at you in the eye, grinning as you smirked at my idea. You hummed in question and tilted your head. “Lee Minho, the most famous kpop idol who reached internationally and was supported by his lovely fans” I placed both of my hands above, imaging a billboard banner with your name and face on it. Thousands of people watching and idolizing you.

“Really?” You shifted your position into a more comfortable one as I leaned on your chest. Nodding at my suggestion, you pressed your lips together and listened to me, getting all happy after trying to predict and set goals in our lives.

“Of course! Why not?” I turned my head to face you and gave you a slight hit. “I could feel the energy of the universe as if it's trying to tell me that was our fate” You playfully laughed at the girl in front of you who is telling such an exaggerating fairytale. “Besides, ” I went back to my position and grabbed your arms around my waist. “Your number one fan is just a surgeon anyway” You responded with an oh? as you began to get amused with my statements. “A surgeon who never failed to help people even in a situation full of pressure. The best surgeon in the district” I smiled in a bragging manner, lifting my hand to flip my hair.

“I like that” you nodded in approval. “But don’t you think it’s much better with the title, the best surgeon found around the world?” My eyes lit up with stars because indeed that was a better match. I grinned and raised my eyebrow.

“That’s better” an idea popped up and so I turned back once again. You looked at me in confusion and waited until I would continue what I wanted to say. “But how about the dating ban? Does that mean we have to keep it low?” You looked at me concerningly and so I did. Panic arose in my mind. “Or maybe we-“

You placed your hand up my lip and shushed me. Everything is going to be fine, you tried to assure me. Lifting up your hand and caressed my face, you continued and stared at my pouty lips. “Of course not. It’s you,” with a silent pause, you pointed directly at me with a lovingly stare “and I” you did the same back at yourself and held my hand, enclosing it together. “against the whole world”. You chuckled whilst you tipped your forehead on mines.

“Too cliché” I laughed at you but no doubt that made my heart flutter. Oh, how I wish he knew how much I love him.

[MONTHS LATER]

“Do you have everything packed?” I sighed deeply the minute I rummaged through the closet. I stopped as soon as I saw the yellow hoodie hung inside. “You forgot the hoodie!” I chuckled though scared, deeply hoping this isn’t what I think it is.

“That’s your favorite. Keep it” he smiled but those words pierced straight through me. I felt what he meant. My last token for our relationship, isn’t it? What happened to all those you and I against the world? Were all those just things to make me feel relieved?

“Oh” I responded dryly and gulped, pressing my lips together to stop these drops from falling. “Mhm, ’kay” I closed the closet and faced the guy who’ll soon be leaving. “Go” You looked at me with pity and everything I didn’t want to see in your eyes. I’m okay, at least that’s what I like to believe. As I was busy trying to act tough because I don’t want you to see me being vulnerable once again, you gave me the warmth I needed. A necessity in my dark days.

“I’m sorry. I won’t leave you alone, maybe quite busy but I’d never wanted to split up with you” I finally cried after everything. It was a big wash down of emotions and you felt sorry again. It was a painful sight for you, I know.

“But those hoodies..” sniffs went in between those sobs. As usual, you tried to assure me by caressing my face. It was an act to show that we’ll still stay the same.

“I want you to return this to me after I become an idol. I want you to promise you’ll hold on to us. Wait for me okay?” That was the first and last time I’ve ever seen you cry. It hurts deep bad, but I didn’t want to be an obstacle to your goal as well. I’ll wait no matter how many years it may take.

[DECEMBER OF 2018]

Hey, I’m not sure if you still received my letters. It’s been long, don’t you think? I feel like you don’t remember me anymore but I was your first love haha. Would you still be able to know me after I come back there? I’ve heard you all over the news. Minho, the guy who brought K-pop internationally and broke the Billboard charts. I told you that you’d make it. Me? I’m now a surgeon. Not internationally, but definitely in the district. I’ll get there soon, right? One more question, can I return the hoodie? I did wait for you, hoping you did as well.

I sighed for only God knows how many times for this day. The more I’ve been sending letters, the less I’ve been receiving.

I held on to the letter and got up from my bed after hearing a call once again. The last time I was able to sleep was decades ago and so I had to go back to work. Luckily, it wasn’t a heavy operation but I just had to check-in by the hospital to get the patient’s results.

“Good afternoon, Mrs!.” My patient joked and I could clearly see my best friend smirking.

“Maddie! Stay safe when you get home alright?” I smiled greeting the patient who joked before getting ready to leave

“Hey, hey it’s not too safe to go outside yet. Call someone to assist you. Take care!” Another response of mine was said after a boy who was operated on and took rest for three weeks passed by me.

Beaming from ear to ear, I squealed and hugged my best friend tight. “ALICEEE!” It’s been years since I’ve seen her. She accompanied Min on his way to Korea. And before any of the readers misunderstand, they are siblings. Quite awkward at first if I must say but it’s great to know lots of information about him.

“Hush, we’re in your workplace. You told me that, right? Alice, don’t scream or get hyper whenever you’d come back here.” She mimicked the way I talked in an insulting manner, not that I’m offended by it. We just like to mimic one’s tone as a sign of sarcasm. “Well, look who’s talking?” She furrowed both of her eyebrows as I laughed and took my hands off her.

“So how was Korea, Lisa? Did you find someone? Maybe that guy who you friend-zoned at?” I started chuckling after seeing her blank face. It was honestly funnier to see her reaction. Her stop-it-kind-of-face made my laugh gradually get lower but never failed to make a remark soon after. I thought of someone and so I tried to casually ask her about it. “How are you and Min? Was Korea that good? Just wanted to ask because I’m scared to get into their hospital” I shrugged it off but saw her eyebrow raise. Of course, she always knows what’s up.

“So is this why you’re called Mrs.? Mrs. Lee?” Now it was her turn to laugh. I playfully pouted and narrowed my eyes. “Excuse me?” I acted all offended, placing my hand to my chest as if I took it to heart “It’s miss for you, Mrs. friend-zoned” Rolling my eyes and entered my room, her never-ending saga of teasing me continued.

An hour came by after packing all my things left in the hospital room and we talked about our lives. She still never told me a single thing about Min because of her chattiness. We got in the car and went to the airport. My flight has been called and so I had to leave.

“Wish we could’ve spent more time. I’ll come back soon anyways after visiting the hospital” she hugged me so tight causing me to be so confused.

“Min.. I tried to talk to him” I looked at her in the eye asking for some problems that happened years before. Though no words that came out of her were expected.

“But he didn’t want to hear anything about you”

Hours came by like a flash but my thoughts filling out my mind went by for years. I arrived at my destination but is this truly where I am destined to be in? I knew there was something much more than her words because her voice was shaky.

I didn’t leave a single minute to go by my hospital though. Work always comes by my mind. But usually, I would hang by the café in your building hoping to see you pass by. There were no people because I was busy studying late at night after the closing time. It was scary, but I was too busy to notice.

“I miss you! I’ll come by soon, okay? You better wait for me, sweetie. Love you, take care!” I smiled after hearing my patient’s voice. She was a lovely kid and it seems like I wasn’t the only one missing her as well. It had just been a day yet Yeina has been panicking through the whole call.

“Got a boyfriend now?” The one who talked suddenly came up near my seat and giggled. It was cute but I was busy closing all my documents. Besides, it was not that important. I responded unknowingly but was cut after hearing the voice.

“No, it was my patient. She’s a cute kid” I looked up and God-, was that the biggest thing I regretted but enjoyed at the same time. The guy I waited for years was the same guy who didn’t want to hear anything that involves me. The guy who didn’t want to talk, approached me first with the same smile as if nothing happened. I don’t know what to feel nor what to say. It took whole 5 minutes of me trying to smile awkwardly.

“So, no hugs, internationally known surgeon who cured people around the world for the guy who is loved by his lovely fans?” You looked at me shocked but smiled as soon as I got back to my senses. Everything still remained vivid in your head when I thought it wouldn’t be.

I went up to you and cried in your embrace. The same warmth, it never changed even after all those years. “I thought you had forgotten” I tried to explain though it came out as short phrases because of my sobs. You held my head to nuzzle near your neck and caressed my hair, patting in between.

“Thank you for waiting even in tough times. You did good, doctor”

[WEEKS LATER]

Yes, it just had been weeks. Everything was good but turned downhill soon after. I don’t know what’s hitting on you because you just turned.. off.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?” I yelled after you constantly trying to ignore me. “Wow, so now you’re deaf?” I exclaimed as I held on to your arm and making you turn around and face me.

“You wouldn’t understand anyway!” Loud shoutings were just everything that was heard in the room. I am patient but was frustrated that moment you took on that dumb decision.

“So now I was wrong here? YOU QUITTED THAT FKING JOB OF YOURS BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT? YOU FELT BORED? The world doesn’t adjust for you! It’s not like you are the reason why the Earth revolves! It’s not easy to find a new goal and get it as soon as possible!” I expressed all my thoughts because things weren’t matching up. Who the hell leaves something just because he or she was bored? I felt like there was something more to it but why do you seem so nonchalant about it? It was that easy of a decision to make?

“SHIT!” You grabbed the vase and smashed it on the floor. That shocked me. I was clearly shaking yet I tried to stand by my point.

“Why did you come back here anyway?” I felt the world stopped. No, because he was actually true. Why did I come back here? Expecting that the love of my life would be the same even when it had been years he didn’t bother to call? Even after all these years, the guy I waited for would remain the same? After all the dating issues, he would stay irrelevant and think of me every day? I was just a surgeon not even known worldwide. Who am I to him?

“You’re right. I’m nothing to you anyway.” I packed up quickly placing all of my clothes unorganized. It was easy to get into someone but how is leaving not the same?

You tried calling me out but I left due to my blind optimism over the week. I came back to Korea but you soon got me with all those sorry. That was just a single moment that left a scar on me deeply. But now that I think of it, I was used to it because you were an on and off switch

The first day of a week you asked me out on a date then suddenly you claimed to have forgotten about it. You’d tell me how much you loved me, yet add me to the list of traitors who wouldn’t understand a single thing. It was basically just a love or leave me game of yours. It went on for months that I was tired of it. Sick of everything else but you suddenly turned nice again. I waited for the moment you would hate me as usual but it never came by. Was it because you finally realized how much you had hurt me or were you trying to be nice because you were planning a sudden break-up. Maybe a Dear Jane letter? I was scared because I feel like it was more of the latter.

But after all the overthinking, another unexpected thing came by. You spoke the words:

“I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through after everything I’ve done. It hurts so bad and I don’t want to see you taking all that pain anymore. I never had forgotten about you not even a single bit of my life. I made decisions that could lessen your pride and was also close-minded with all your opinions. But my love for you stays true which is why I wanted to stop seeing you cry. The only tears I’ll ever allow you to shed is the one I needed all my life. The words I wanted to wait for you on. This might be the most clichè thing you’ll ever see, but will you marry me?”

I could never get over that preparation of yours. Because who’d knew you were actually into those surprises? I looked at the ring and smiled at it. How precious this is to me. But time surely passes by fast.

Looking at myself in a white gown, we passed by on lots of obstacles but it felt like yesterday even though it took even years to convince my mother and bless the marriage. She allowed but was forced to.

I still remembered how my mom used to hit me several times every day just to understand if there was something wrong with my head, but apologized soon after because she believed my father was watching from heaven. Mom had many beliefs and one of them was to ask my father whether to accept me. She used to tell me with not a missing day left aside, “run as fast as you can”. Up until now, I find it too hilarious.

“Aren’t you rushing too much? You’re still nineteen” the one who placed my natural makeup on, whispered in my ear.

That was what I was scared of. I was anxious about getting hurt at 19 what more if I was getting married then it went downhill when I was 19? But you were a risk I was willing to take every day, so why not? I know you’ll stay true to your words, I just know so.

“No” I responded short and smiled at myself for acting so brave with my thoughts. I went out of the hall and looked up to my mother who was dressed up so nicely. Sure, the girl who took time dressing me up, definitely did not say she wouldn’t attend if I marry Minho. I sarcastically remarked at her logic.

“So where’s that guy? It’s been 15 minutes since the guests have arrived!” She placed her hand on her hip and tapped her feet on the floor impatiently.

“Ma, he will arrive” I assured my mother and hugged her after I saw a glimpse of tears on her face. Of course, she raised me, and to finally see me with a guy who will take care of me then, she would be brought into tears. She told me once, before the wedding starts, all her thoughts including how she was sad about me leaving but happy about me finding and receiving the love I am willing to fight for. She doesn’t show it as much but she knows how much of a good guy Min is.

“You’ll be Mrs. Lee minutes later!” I found Lisa near the entrance and hugged her. “I told you we would have the same last name years ago!” she continued

Minutes came by and indeed you look handsome in a tux. Everything was worth the wait. You were worth waiting for. We’ve said our vows that express our love would remain until forever runs out, and it was truly you and I together against the world.

[PRESENT]

At least that is what was supposed to happen.

Your dumb-ass mind left me hanging and crying on the white dress. Everything was prepared and you suddenly decided not to show up? You were claiming you had forgotten? What kind of excuse is that? You were no doubt an expert on saying sorry. Just because, you were an exception when it comes to me not being forgiving. Just because, you’d know how to get me back. With a single smile, sorry, that’s it! My mind would start to revolve once around you, playing hide and seek or chase. I was always the one chasing and I’m tired of having to run a hundred miles just to get that love I wanted, which you never wanted to give anyway. It’s all you and your sick need of giving love and taking it away.

Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in a white dress who was supposedly having fun on her grand day, went away and started crying? I should’ve followed what my mom said. You should’ve known and I should’ve seen. I was played, you were the one who controlled the game.

“Where will you take me, Alice?” Truly, it’s hard to have feelings for a guy who is the brother of your best friend. If things go wrong, then clearly your friendship is over.

“To him” you responded shortly, tightening your grip on my wrist.

“Stop. I don’t want to go.” I forced her hand off me and whined in a frustrated manner because clearly, you screwed up Alice.

“Could you please stop?! I’m sick of this! He doesn’t have to hide it forever!” You looked away and continued dragging me as soon as I stopped. Hiding what now?

I don’t know what to say when I meet you. Scratch that, I didn’t even want to meet you anymore. Because what if this habit of mine comes up and actually accepts you? I’m tired of it but there’s just something that makes me want to hold onto the love or something that isn’t in you anymore.

You took me in a place so questionable as you stopped and cried. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and yet you say it was the right place. That can’t be, right? How did this happen? Shaky hands, dry throat, words don’t come out my lips. “I’m sorry” I didn’t know why that was the only thing that escaped from my tongue. I did not accept it yet because I belived that wasn’t reality.

Lisa took me to a hospital in which I saw you laying down, unconscious.

I could do nothing but curl down. I was hurt but I never did ask for this. “Alicia, since when?”

“The doctor told me he had cancer way before you went back to Korea. This is why he didn’t want me to talk about you because he gets hurt and couldn’t even imagine what you would do in lengths just to cure him. He used to joke about how you loved him the same way he did. Side effects? Memory loss, sudden mood swings. You know, he was the same guy you knew in the past. Except, he had gotten braver of leaving you behind just so you wouldn’t get into more pain as to seeing his condition. He was very open but he thought of decisions way better when it comes to you than of himself. He loved you every single day of his life and I do know how he misses your touch, crying himself to sleep. He faced a much harder life, missy. As to the wedding, he said he had forgotten about it but it was more due to the reason of having a husband that wasn’t able to take care of until the end of the world, when he promised you to. It was because of a guy not being able to see you getting known worldwide nor exposing you in all medias, when he wanted you to. It was because of a man who simply wanted you to be happy, because he needed that too.”

This is the point where my world started to crash. It wasn’t you who should’ve known. It was me. I should’ve been there at times you need someone to rely on. I based on my selfishness and need for love, not knowing that what I need was the thing that kept me from hurting. I’m sorry for misunderstanding. I’m sorry for making things harder for you. I’m sorry for not opening up all my thoughts about you. I’m sorry because I left you fighting against the world, and I stood by just watching. I felt as if I was the person who was miserable and yet it was you who was trying to act tough.

Lisa continued to tell all those hidden words of yours “I even remembered the time he continued blaming himself for hurting you but concluded that it was everything that he could do. His situation isn’t something that can be fixed and he knows about that even if he wasn’t told about the months he have left. He told me that once you come back and see how bad of a person he is for leaving you all alone and asking you to wait, I am allowed to tell you everything once you’ve moved on.” The girl I’m talking with continued crying filling out the silence I make.

It was a shock and seeing you were the only thing that made me cry deeply. I couldn’t breathe as my chest weighed heavily. I grasped my shirt as I was desperately needing to calm down. But none of this sight made me calm down. I understood the situation I did, but it was too far, in reality, to keep it in check. You were unconscious and Lisa wanted to let me see you before your last breath. Standing up, I cried up to you.

“Idiot” I sniffed, Trying to act strong and let it all out but that’s everything I could only say. “You said our story was cliché. What happened to the true love’s kiss that wakes one up?” I kneeled down and held your hand with the ring that was encircling your fingers. I felt the cold air as tears continued flowing. I kissed your hand and gulped, crying helplessly. Is there really nothing I could do?

“The last time he saw you were way back you were able to smile again. He said it was a blissful sight to see and he would be happy even if that were to be the last time.” Lisa explained and cried her heart out as well after seeing such a painful sight.

“You do know you can see me every day right? Wouldn’t that be nice?” I tried to persuade an unconscious body who can’t hear my words. “Hey, wake up” I clasped our hands together and entwined both. “I’m here, so wake up. I’ll be with you until the end okay?” The volume of my talks gradually decreases but I still believe you can open your eyes up. I know so. I know that at this very time you could still see me and hug me, letting me feel the same warmth I needed once again. “I’ll be with you and it’s still going to be you and I against the world. Cliché right? I know you’ll never miss a chance to tease me when I take that cheesy statement. So please do. Please wake up and talk to me once again. I am here for you.. always and forevermore”

I closed my eyes and heard the beeping of the machine. I looked at you and the monitor that showed a single, straight line. I sighed deeply and my heartbeat is everything I could hear. Repeating your name, demanding you to wake up but all I could do at the end of the day is being so helpless. Even my optimism couldn’t change my mindset yet I was hopelessly begging to see your loving eyes as Lisa and the other staff held me out of the ward for the doctors to take care and clean up everything.

I wished to see those eyes I never noticed years ago. I didn’t know whether it was my selfish act or optimism that kept me not noticing all those details but if only I could see those once again, I could’ve lessened your pain before you disappeared. I was wrong but even up to this end, I hope you know that I love you and forever will do, Min.

I see it all now that you’re gone, don’t you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole way home

[the-girl-in-the-box]

Not Today XXXIII

A/N: And we're back?? With hopefully better more regular updates again??? So, I am apologising with some serious fluff at the end. Oopsies <3 And, without further ado, thank you for your patience and enjoy chapter thirty-three XD Skål!

Summary: When Ivar takes the throne of Kattegat, Lagertha flees to Wessex along with Björn, Ubbe, Torvi, and the Bishop Heahmund. There, they seek the aid of King Alfred. This aid comes in the form of his sister, Aethelind, who agrees to travel to Kattegat and try to reason Ivar, who she spent some time with during their youth, when her grandfather King Ecbert hosted Ragnar Lothbrok in their castle. Now, she is the only hope for Lagertha and her supporters to retake Kattegat from Ivar the Boneless.

Masterlist

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No rest came for Asta after that night, or at least, it didn’t come easily. Ivar couldn’t get out of her what she’d seen, not about anything. He’d convinced her to tell him she had seen something, convinced her to tell him each thing she’d seen- Hvitserk sick, Björn falling when she fought him that final time in Kattegat, but she wouldn’t tell him why she’d woken speaking of Lagertha.

Ivar was certain now, if of nothing else, that Asta was a Prophet. He just wished that she was a Prophet who could sleep some, as she’d barely done so since the night she’d woken. In fact, as they now sat around the table for another meal with Oleg, Katia, and Igor, she seemed to be starting to doze, and Ivar had to keep gently waking her.

They were currently having a conversation about how they’d entertain themselves through the winter, and Katia’s description of bathing in a hot spring had made Asta’s brows crease, looking up at her slowly. Katia was smirking at her, smirking at Ivar as well, and Asta decided right then and there that she just wanted to take Ivar back to their room and go to sleep. Forget any dreams she may have- that would be better than how awkward she felt just then.

“And you, dear Ivar?” Oleg asked. “The future King of all Scandinavia… what would you like?”

“I would like to walk,” Ivar replied, after a few long moments of thought. Oleg began to chuckle, and Asta narrowed her eyes at him.

“That would be a miracle,” he pointed out, as if laughing Ivar’s desires off. But Ivar didn’t laugh, not at all, and Asta began to wonder if he was going to get angry at Oleg.

“I’ve heard that your God performs miracles,” he began. “Jesus Christ raised a man from the dead. He made a lame man walk. He fed a thousand people with just a few loaves and fishes. I don’t think it’s too much to ask of Him to cure a simple cripple, is it?”

Clearly, Oleg was irritated. The idea made Asta smirk, in a way which mirrored Ivar’s own smirk. Irritating that man was now something which Asta thoroughly enjoyed.

“We will all pray for that miracle, Ivar the Boneless,” he said tensely. Asta smiled softly, taking Ivar’s hand under the table.

“We will,” Asta agreed, nodding, and Ivar turned to her with a small smile, before turning back to their host.

“What about you, Prince Oleg?” he questioned. “What is it that… amuses you?” He was silent for a moment, and then reiterated, “What is it that you really want?”

Once the question was asked, Ivar lifted his cup to drink from it, and Oleg replied, “As usual, I want the impossible. I want to go back into my mother’s womb. I want to float there, in that small, limitless universe, among the stars. With no beginning, no end. Waiting for the new world to begin.”

There was a far off look in his eye, and yet Asta still found herself opening her eyes wider, her brows lifting a bit as she took a sip of her drink. Impossible, indeed, she thought to herself. She turned to Ivar then, who looked almost like he might pity the man, and so her eyes turned to Katia, who seemed as if she were… not quite enthralled, by him, but she certainly listened intently. Ivar followed Asta’s gaze, and so Katia turned to look at them both, a strange smirk on her lips.

“I know we have all been here before,” Oleg continued on. “We’re constantly reborn. It’s what I believe.” He seemed to watch, then, the way his wife interacted with the Vikings at their table. Ivar looked away as Katia returned her attention to her husband, and Asta returned her attention to her drink. “Don’t you, Ivar?” he asked.

Katia looked back to Ivar, and it was then Asta became aware of what was happening here. Rebirth… Rebirth, like the face of one’s late wife, now being the face of a new ally’s wife. The statement was designed to draw attention to that once again. Her eyes narrowed a bit, as she heard Ivar thoughtfully answer, “Yes. That’s also what I believe.” He glanced back to Katia, a nearly anxious look in his eyes, and Katia smiled gently at him. The Shieldmaiden wished she could take him from the room, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t risk upsetting Oleg without due cause, not now that Dir was free, even if it meant letting Ivar continue to be subjected to this sort of mental torture.

“Well,” Asta said, hoping to interrupt this conversation and change it again. “Isn’t anybody going to ask what I’d like this winter?” Ivar chuckled a little at the pouty expression she wore, as if feeling a bit left out.

“My apologies, my Queen,” he said, inclining his head to her as if he were deferring to her authority. He even gave a little flourish with one of his hands, and earned a small giggle from the woman.

Asta turned back to him, and put a hand on his cheek affectionately. “I’d like to spend some time with my husband,” she began, “perhaps having a drink in front of a warm hearth, enjoying his presence with me here. I count it a blessing every day that we are here together, and this winter, I want to be sure I don’t take that for granted.”

Ivar smiled softly at her, and covered her hand with his own. He pulled it away from his cheek so that he could kiss the back of it, before turning it and lacing his fingers with her own. “I think I would like that as well,” he said. “If my legs will not be healed, then I should like to spend some time with my wife, being grateful for the fact she remains at my side, even after all we have been through together.”

She gave his hand a small squeeze, and her free hand lifted to cup his cheek once more. “Then we will,” she promised him. And, whether he knew it or not, her want for that winter served more than one purpose. Of course, she meant all she said, about wanting to spend time with him, and not taking it for granted, but at the same time, she sent a message to Oleg and Katia, who she could still sense trying to mess with Ivar. She wasn’t going to stand by while this happened, and in fact, intended to actively stand in the way. Whatever they thought about that, she didn’t care. All Asta cared about, was that she was there for Ivar, and kept them from hurting him any more than he’d already been hurt.

Fortunately, the rest of the night passed without incident, and the next day Asta and Ivar found theirselves standing up above the market of Kiev, watching as Igor skated around on the ice beneath them, just as he’d said he wanted to do. The people around them cheered the young prince on, and Asta and Ivar were no exception. However, a man soon approached them, and stopped to stand on Ivar’s right, where Asta stood to his left. Neither of the Vikings acknowledged him, but he still spoke.

“I have a message for you, Ivar the Boneless, and Asta the Prophet,” he began, and finally earned their attention. “Prince Dir sends you greetings. He is safe, well, and restored. But for the time being, still in hiding.” The two looked back toward Igor, ensuring it couldn’t be noticed, not easily, that they had just been talking to the man who’d approached them. “However,” he continued. “He hopes that one day he will be strong enough to help you achieve your ambition… which, is also his ambition.”

Cheers and applause went up as Igor finished his skating, and stopped to bow as if having just finished an elaborate performance. Ivar and Asta, as well as their apparent visitor, joined the crowd in congratulating the Prince on not falling over, though the former two wore proud smiles on their faces. While the crowd was thoroughly distracted, the messenger sat a small, metallic object down on the banister on which Ivar leaned, a brief motion before clapping again as well.

“He sends you this cross, by which you will know him, and is a token of his enduring friendship,” he explained, and Ivar casually sat a hand down over it, as if just balancing himself. He picked up his crutch as well, in time for the messenger to say, “Now, I must leave. Please do not turn or watch me go.”

They did as asked, and the man left their side just as quickly as he had come to it. A thoughtful expression took Ivar’s face as he left, and he shared a look with Asta. Things were in motion still, it seemed, and they’d certainly have much to discuss that evening. Ivar turned then to lift his hand, looking down at the cross which had been left by Dir’s messenger. It looked quite different from the crosses Asta was used to seeing in Wessex, having two bars across the top as opposed to the one, and a diagonal bar across the longer section of the bottom. She figured, to represent the sign held above Christ’s head, and to represent the place His feet were nailed to the cross.

So caught up in what had happened as they were, they barely noticed as Igor approached them, and asked, “Who was that?”

“He didn’t tell me his name,” Ivar answered him honestly. “But, he told me that Prince Dir is safe,” he paused to uncover the cross for Igor to see it, “and that he is prepared to help us when the time has come.”

Igor nodded and looked up and out, saying, “Then he is an angel sent from God.”

Ivar made a face as if considering what Igor said, and he smiled a bit as he replied, “You’re right. An angel sent from the gods.”

Asta smiled as that conversation naturally reached its conclusion, and she moved around Ivar to go and hug Igor tightly. “And you, Igor, skated just like a little angel yourself!” she complimented him, and he grinned up at her.

“Do you really think so?” he asked happily, which earned a nod from her.

“I know so,” she answered with a smile. “You were so smooth out there! Perhaps you could teach me, hm? Though I may be too old to learn…”

She started to walk with him back to the Palace, and Ivar stood behind them and watched them go. He could hear Igor laughing, and telling her she wasn’t old, and certainly she wasn’t as old as Oleg, which made her laugh as well.

A small smile formed on his lips as he watched this, and watched them, before finally following along after them. Not that he figured he’d catch up now, but he didn’t mind. It was nice to sit back and watch the two interact, really. Asta, though still young, seemed to have a very natural way with children, and it occurred to him that he was thinking of this for the second time about her- ironically, it was also the second time he’d really just watched her with Igor.

She even walked with an arm around the boy’s shoulders, a move that seemed both protective and affectionate all at once. But, he noticed that they really did look like mother and son as they walked along, and it occurred to him once more that he rather liked the idea of them being his family, now. It wasn’t a difficult fantasy to entertain, as often as they spent time together in the ways a family would. And, truth be told, he didn’t find it a harmful fantasy in the slightest. In fact, it even seemed to warm him from the inside out- a hard thing to do in the cold Rus climate.

Once Igor had been returned to his chambers, Asta and Ivar had said goodbye to him and returned to their own, which felt a bit colder to them now as the winter wore on. Asta, ever one to take up an opportunity, smirked and said to Ivar, “I think I’m going to have a servant come and light our hearth, perhaps bring us something to drink. What do you think of that?”

Ivar chuckled a bit at the suggestion, remembering the previous night at dinner. “You want to make your winter wish come true tonight, do you?” he asked her teasingly. “I think it is a fine idea, though, you are lacking a husband to sit with, are you not?”

Asta giggled a little and walked closer to him cupping his cheek and answering, “What need do I have of a husband when I have you, dear Ivar?” She gave his cheek a quick kiss, and then went to the door to pop out and begin her search for a servant.

Perhaps dangerously, Ivar found himself considering, quite seriously, the idea of really making her his wife, making himself her husband. The idea of entering another marriage unsettled him, as horribly as the last one had gone, and he was comfortable with Asta, the way they were. Yes, they flirted, far more than was needed for the story they sold to Oleg and Katia, and every other person there in Kievan Rus’, and he felt nearly certain that what they shared was something real.

But what damage could he do by giving voice to it, by truly setting the idea before her? He would be putting his heart at her feet, he knew that, and the last time he’d given his heart away, it had been handed back to him crushed, if not tossed back down at his feet. Was he ready to risk such a thing again, to risk Asta rejecting him, for whatever reason, and perhaps leaving him alone, pulling away? He thought it must have been better to have what he did with her, than to ask for more, and lose it all.

His time to debate this ran out as Asta soon returned with a servant, one who came into their chambers and immediately began to tend to their hearth, lighting it and coaxing the flame into a full, warm fire by which they could sit and warm themselves. The servant left once it was ready, to go and fetch them some drinks, and Asta hauled one of the many furs off the bed and dragged it over to the hearth, sitting down under it as Ivar eased himself down beside her.

At first, when she offered him the blanket, he had declined and said he wasn’t all too cold. A quip had been made about Saxons, and how less prepared they were for such cold temperatures, but by the time drinks had been brought to them, and they’d had one or two, he found his shoulder pressed up to hers beneath the blanket. It was far more comfortable than trying to weather the cold alone.

And, that applied to his current dilemma with her, too, didn’t it? Perhaps it was the slight buzz he felt, the alcohol in his blood which loosened his lips, or perhaps he’d truly just made up his mind that he didn’t want to let the possibility fade away, too comfortable with what he had to possibly gain something better. It didn’t really matter, he didn’t guess, because he still opened his mouth, and still asked, “Asta?”

She turned to him with a quiet, “Hm?” not even seeming to be upset that he’d cut her off. He figured that was a good thing, given he wanted her happy when he put his question to her. But oh, how to ask this? How to even begin?

“What do you think you will do when all this is over, hm?” he settled on, tilting his head just a bit. She gave a thoughtful hum, and turned to look at the fire in front of him. 

After a few moments debating, she turned back and asked him, “What will you do?”

“That was not the question,” he answered with a chuckle. “I want to know what you want after this.”

She sighed and returned her gaze to the fire, the flames lighting up her face with their red glow, and reflecting in her eyes. “I’m not sure,” she confessed. “Part of me wishes to return to Wessex, and visit my brother. But at the same time… I’m not certain I’d be very welcome there anymore.”

Ivar’s brows creased together some as he asked, “Why would you not be welcome there now?”

“I’ve made quite a name for myself as your Queen, don’t you think? No doubt he’s been told that I’m with you, as opposed to in Kattegat with your brothers. If word has travelled to Kattegat of what I’m called here, then word may reach him, and I don’t know that he’d want to receive me now. Not to mention, we live together as though we’re husband and wife, without being… They’re liable to condemn me as an apostate.”

Asta chuckled, but Ivar could tell it lacked all humor. She was anxious, nervous about what her life since she’d left Wessex might have done to the relationship she had with her final living relative. He could sort of relate to that, having lost all his brothers either to death or simply falling out. His hand moved to rest on her leg, meant to be a comforting gesture, and Asta smiled and covered his hand with her own, taking it. Now, he thought. Now is the time.

“We could… always change that, you know,” he began. 

Asta’s brows creased as she turned to him and asked, “Change what?”

He swallowed. “You say it would offend your people, and possibly drive a wedge between yourself and your brother, if it was discovered that we lived together as though we were married, when we are not,” he said. “But we could…” Her face fell, and something cold seized his heart.

“Ivar,” she said. “No, I don’t mean to say that I want to stop. Believe me, I don’t… I don’t know how I’d go back to life before this. Being with you like this, it’s good. It makes me happy. I never felt alone before, but I know now that if I lost this, I would. I’d rather they mistake me for an apostate than lose this.”

Ivar shook his head, and turned to face her more, reaching across so he could take both her hands in his. “Asta, that is not my meaning. My meaning is that, we could change how they would see us living together this way.” Her eyes widened a bit as she seemed to realise where he was leading with this, and her lips parted slightly.

“Ivar…” she managed, but he held her hands a little tighter, and pushed through.

“Asta, if we were married, they would have no way to criticise the way we behave. And nothing would have to change. We live as husband and wife as it is, and we tell all we encounter here that we are. Why should we not be?” he questioned. “Asta, marry me.”

Her hands tightened in his, and he could see a thousand thoughts running behind her eyes, almost as if she were trying to calculate if this could work. Eventually, she managed to say, “You realize I never want to marry a second time, yes? So if I say yes right now, and we do it…”

She was considering it. Somehow, he’d not believed he would even get this far with it, and yet she was actually considering the possibility.

“I can’t lose you,” she finished. “I know I’ve said so before, but I mean it more so than ever if I agree to this. If we were wed, I could not stand to lose you. I don’t want you to offer this just to save my dignity before my brother and the people of Wessex. I may already be outcasted enough for having become, essentially, Viking. So if you’re only doing this for that reason, and don’t truly want to be my husband… Please, say so now, and we’ll leave it be.”

Ivar shook his head. “We would have to wait until all is done here, as to marry now would reveal we have not been married all along, and it would ruin the little trust we have with Oleg. But when this is done, before we return to Wessex, we could be married.”

Asta smiled at him, in such a way as she seemed about to say yes, but then her face fell, and she sighed. “You can’t know how badly I wish to say yes right now,” she confessed. “I want to say yes, to marry you somewhere between Rus and Wessex, and to truly become your Queen. But if we are honest, do we think Alfred will approve of this? I may have all but given up my titles, but that’s here. In Wessex, they will still expect me to uphold those traditions. You would be expected to ask Alfred to wed me, as no other relatives of mine still live.”

He huffed and rolled his eyes a bit. “You are a Viking Queen,” he said. “Why should you need the permission of a Saxon King to marry, huh?”

Asta gave a small chuckle and shook her head. “I’m not a Viking Queen,” she reminded him. “It’s a story we fabricated to protect us, or have you forgotten?”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Ivar said, lifting his hand to cup her cheek. “You are my Queen, and when we take Kattegat back from my brothers, I want you to be Kattegat’s Queen, too.”

Asta swallowed, and for a moment, she allowed herself to indulge in a world where she could simply say yes. So, she smiled, covered his hand with hers, and leaned slightly toward him. It came as no shock to her when Ivar leaned in fully, and captured her lips with his.

For the night, Asta decided, she would believe she could be whatever she wished, and she would let herself believe that she could be his.

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius, @katfett, @sylki-simp, @heavenly1927, @pomegranates-and-blood, @kingniazx, @dekusdante

If you want to be added to the taglist, feel free to reach out either by commenting, reblogging, DMing me, or sending an ask, and I’ll be more than happy to add you!

[kaileah-kat]

Pictures

Summary: Roman is Roaming around.

Word count: 3,108

Ship: It’s a surprise! Shush!

Warning: drive-by/gun violence, major character death and grieving, ghostly nonsense, angst ft. lots of tears, broken glass, like 2 (?) swear words, Deceit exists but it’s just his name, hurt with minimal comfort (if there is any at all), please let me know if I missed any! “It’s awful and sad, don’t read it.” -my friend

Author’s Note: ... Carrie Underwood is inspiring. I was sick the other week, so I wrote this. I would like to thank my friends for reading it for me and catching my mistakes, also screaming “What have you done?!?!”. They’re some real ones. I also am currently undecided on leaving it like this, or forming a part two with a better resolution... It’ll come to me eventually! Enjoy! :)

I’m just going to tag a couple of people, because that’s what other people do, idk: @altruistic-skittles @fearfilledvirgil @notalwaysthevillian ... @not-so-innocent-bi-sander @things-we-used-tc-share @stormcrawler75  idk, I just like all your writing :,)

“Roman!”

Roman jumped awake in a cold sweat, trying to settle his breathing. He looked around, gathering information regarding his surroundings. He noticed it was dark, and he was outside- aka: not in bed within the safe hold of his husband. As he continued, he concluded he was in an alleyway. He stood up, dusting the dirt off of his jeans and exited onto the quiet street.

He continued walking, trying to think of the possibilities of why he woke up in an alleyway, though he couldn’t figure it out. His memory was hazy, seemingly not being able to remember the last twenty-four hours, (at least, that was his guess.) He shook the thought as he eventually approached his doorstep, ready to curl up next to his husband and sleep for as long as possible. He started his search for his keys in his leather jacket pockets, as well as his jeans, but came back unsuccessful. He frowned and turned his attention to the potted plant by the door, knowing there was a spare at the base of the plant.

But, as he went to reach for it, he couldn’t believe what he saw.

A leaf of the plant going straight through his hand.

His eyes widened and he gasped as his knees buckled under his weight. Tears threatened to prick his eyes as he fell to his knees, wishing what he saw was all imaginary. He looked towards the door, and then back at his hand. He reached out to touch it and instead of feeling the wood of the blue door, his hand passed through without a care in the world. He pulled back almost instantaneously as the tears were now streaming down his cheeks and hiccuped sobs escaped him.

Roman Knight was dead… and he didn’t know why.

~

He sat on his doorstep for god knows how long before he finally noticed the sun start to peek over the houses across the street. He stood up, with tears staining his cheeks, and turned back to the blue door that caused him to break down just hours earlier and decided to step through. Once he was through and into the living room and open kitchen, he noticed the abundance of flowers amongst any surface that was available, as well as cards and other tokens of condolences.

“Well,” Roman said to himself, “at least it’s evident that I’ll be missed.” Roman gave a half-hearted chuckle as he continued through the room and found the stairs. He continued up, stopping when he reached the end to look at the photo that had been recently hung, adding to the small collection of family photos.

It was of him and his husband as well as their seven-year-old son, appreciating the newest addition to the family, that sat in his husband's arms, with wide eyes and tender smiles. The seven-year-old was desperately attempting to poke the new addition before Roman grabbed his hand and whispered, “He’s sleeping! If you poke him, he might wake up.”

“But I wanna hold him!” The seven-year-old frowned as he removed his small hand from his dad's grasp, crossing his arms once he was free. Roman gave a soft chuckle and ruffled his son’s hair before pressing a kiss on top of his head.

“How about you hold him when we get home?” He asked as he turned his son towards him. The small boy’s eyes beamed with excitement and he vigorously nodded, turning back to see the baby in the other man’s arms.

With that memory, Roman shook his head and brought his hand up to his eyes, wiping away the tears that threatened to spill out of him. He turned and continued down the hallway, approaching a room with a red door: his bedroom. He sighed before stepping through it with shut eyes, fearing what he might see on the other side.

Once he was through, he opened his eyes, mouth falling agape at the sight before him. The once pristine space was currently in a state of chaos. Clothes littered the floor, along with a digital alarm clock upside-down on the floor, (reading 6:55 AM). Drawers were remained open, picture frames that were on their dressers were now flipped.

Roman felt his heart snap in half.

He continued further into the room, turning toward his bed, relieved to see his husband fast asleep. Roman didn’t think he could handle the emotion if he were to be awake. He walked closer to the foot of the bed, watching his husband’s chest rise and fall under the purple comforter. Roman walked around to the left side of the bed so he could see his husband’s face. His brown, semi-curly hair was sticking around in all sorts of different directions and with his glasses off it could be seen that his eyes were a tad bit puffy. Roman continued and noticed his skin was only the slightest bit paler, making his freckles stand out against it. Roman smiled softly at the sight of him. A sense of peace surrounded by all the chaos.

He was about to head out of the room, but he stopped when he noticed a newspaper on the nightstand out of the corner of his eye. He contemplated ignoring it, to head off and check on his sons… but his own curiosity got the better of him. He turned to face the nightstand and read the headline: “Drive-By Within The City.”

Roman’s head began to spin as different noises filled his ears. Police sirens, people screaming, tires screeching across the pavement. He groaned in agony as he pressed his hands against his ears and shut his eyes, hoping to drown out the any and all noise. Though, that didn’t solve anything.

When he decided to open his eyes, he was back in the same alleyway where he woke up.

~

Roman walked along the sidewalk with a small grocery bag in hand as he reached into his jacket’s pocket for his phone. It was getting a little late, so he figured he should call his husband to tell him.

He just had to reach his car and he would be on his way.

Roman quickly found his husband’s contact and clicked his number, bringing it up to his ear and letting it ring. A wide smile broke onto his face when he heard his voice.

“Roman? Where are you?! It’s almost time to eat!”

Roman chuckled at his husband’s distress. “I’m sorry, Lo. I had to get some stuff done before I left work. I’m on my way home right now!”

Logan sighed on the other end of the line and Roman continued to giggle. “It’s alright. Though, when you get home you must talk with your son.”

“What is it this time?” Roman asked, “Did our little prince draw on the wall again?”

Logan giggled at the memory of a tiny boy, showing off his masterpiece of purple and light blue crayon.

“No,” Logan began, “he did, however, draw on the baby.”

Roman burst out laughing, and he could hear Logan chuckling across the line. “Roman, this is serious! Virgil thinks he made Patton beautiful by putting small blue flowers on his arms!”

Roman cleared his throat once his laughter died down, “Of course it is! I’ll talk to him when I get home, don’t worry about it.”

“Thank god. I don’t see why he doesn’t list- hey!” Roman could hear Logan being interrupted by a stifle of giggling quickly passing him. “What are you doing with the marker?!”

Roman quickly swallowed his laughter before Logan had the chance to reprimand him, “I think you need to go after our little artist.”

Logan let out a dejected sigh, “You’re right. I’m going to go after him, prevent him from drawing on his brother again. He has red, he’s probably contemplating ladybugs. I love you, Roman. Drive safe please.”

“I will,” Roman began, not noticing the screeching tires behind him, “I love you t-”

Roman was cut off by the sound of a gunshot and a burning fire in his side. He grunted as he fell to the ground, gripping his side and listening to the other people scream and some more gunshots in the distance. The world around him was becoming blurry as his eyelids became heavy. He carefully pulled his hand off of his side to see it covered in blood. His breathing was becoming light as the burning turned to ache. Police sirens could be heard in the distance, but it was too late.

Roman’s world slowly faded to black, and the last thing he heard was the faint voice of his husband on the other end of the phone.

“Roman!”

~

Roman’s thoughts were interrupted by the blaring sound of an alarm clock and the faint sound of a baby crying, forcing the previous sirens to fade away. He noticed that his face was wet from small tears escaping his eyes while he was out of it. He brought a hand to his face to wipe them away and walked away from the paper that was still sitting on the nightstand.

Roman Knight was dead… and now he knew why.

He turned to face the bed, standing at the foot, when he heard a small groan come from underneath the pillow. He noticed Logan, who was once peacefully asleep, locking the pillow over his head with his arms- prolonging the inevitable, no doubt.

Roman stifled a small laugh. Logan was always more of a night owl.

“Y’know,” Roman began, “if you didn’t stay up to look at the stars all night, you wouldn’t need an alarm!”

Another minute passed by before Logan finally flung the pillow off of his head and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Roman watched as the rest of his husband’s movements became sluggish- from searching for his glasses, (which were under the bed), to walking over to the dresser and retrieving a red t-shirt from one of the pre-opened drawers. He then bent down and shut off the alarm that was continuing to scream.

Before Logan could get to the door, a faint knock was heard and the door opened to reveal a small boy in purple pj’s, and his black hair sticking up in every direction imaginable. Roman’s heart swelled at the sight.

His son was adorable.

“Daddy, your alarm is loud,” Virgil stated as he tried to begin entering the room. He was quickly stopped by a wide-eyed Logan who scooped him up in his arms, shutting the door behind him to which Roman decided to follow. Virgil released a light screech at the sudden movements. Roman continued behind them as they began to walk across the hall.

“I’m sorry, Virgil,” Logan began, voice drenched in sleep, “daddy didn’t hear it. I also broke something, so you can’t go in there right now, okay?” Virgil gave a small nod against Logan’s shoulder.

“Broke something?” Roman furrowed his eyebrows as he whispered in confusion. He only saw a mess, he didn’t see anything that was broken- especially to the point where Virgil wouldn’t be able to enter the room. Roman decided to turn back, re-entering the bedroom to search for the said broken object.

Once he entered, the search began. Roman looked under the bed, in the closet and the bathroom and on top of his dressers but still came up short. Roman groaned and tilted his head back in defeat, ready to exit the room and completely move on. He brought his head down to look at his feet as he was walking back toward the door when he finally noticed tiny pieces of glass on the ground underneath the tall dresser that was closest to the door. Roman looked up to see a dent in the wall next to the dresser, to which he tilted his head in suspicion.

Roman continued to walk around the foot of the bed and towards the tall dresser, only the slightest bit afraid for what the smashed object may be. Once he reached the corner of the mattress, he followed the dent that was on the wall down to the ground and tears threatened to spill out of his eyes when he saw what was before him.

He saw a smashed picture frame, with a picture of him and his bespectacled husband on their wedding night, peeking through shattered glass. Logan was rolling his eyes, for there was a bit of white frosting on his nose, while Roman was looking at him fondly while trying to hide his laughter, though it was nearly impossible.

The tears were now spilling from Roman’s eyes as he gave a small, but sad, smile; wishing he could pick up the broken pieces of what he saw before him.

Before Roman had the chance to walk away, his head began to spin and the once fading sounds of a baby crying were now turning into glasses clinking and people chatting. Roman shut his eyes, though it was much more bearable than the last time, and once he opened them he wished he never went looking for the broken object in the first place.

Across from him, he saw a twenty-four-year-old Roman and a twenty-three-year-old Logan, holding hands and walking down the aisle; away from the arch from where they presumably said: “I do.”

~

“Roman, what are you doing?” Logan asked as he grabbed the long knife off of the table, ready to cut the cake. He was looking at his now husband, who had a dollop on frosting on his finger.

“I’m not doing anything!” Roman gave a mischievous smile.

“You are aware that you’re supposed to wait until the first slice is cut for this typical wedding scenario, correct?” Logan blinked at Roman while the other just shrugged.

“You’re right,” Roman began innocently as he stepped closer to his husband. Before the other could react Roman swiped the frosting onto Logan’s nose, “but this is a lot more fun!”

Logan simply rolled his eyes while Roman chuckled, along with their guests that were watching the scene unfold. Logan set the knife back down on the table, feeling it currently unnecessary.

“Alright,” Logan smirked as he obtained a small amount of frosting on his finger, “if that’s how it is going to be, then I will just have to do the same!”

“Wait-” before Roman could even begin to protest through his laughter, the frosting that was once on Logan’s finger was now on his cheek. Their audience cheered in delight as Logan snorted at the offended look on Roman’s face, mouth agape and eyes wide. Logan continued to laugh, with Roman eventually giggling, stepping closer to the other.

Soon, bright green eyes met bespectacled blue ones, both reaching for the long knife to the right side of the cake, and finally deciding to cut it.

~

The scene quickly faded as Roman was once again in his bedroom, bringing his hand up to smear away fallen tears. He looked to the left of him, about to head for the door but couldn’t help but notice this was not the same room he was standing in moments earlier.

This room was neatly organized, pictures that were once flipped were now standing face up on the dressers. Roman looked to see that the glass that was once scattered on the ground was nowhere to be seen, along with the frame itself. When he looked up he saw that the dent in the wall had also vanished.

“If God could stop fucking with me, now would be the time!” Roman said dramatically, spreading his arms out to make a point. He started to turn around and face the foot of his bed, “I’m starting to get real tired of this bullshi-” Roman’s voice trailed off at the sight of Logan, wearing a black suit with silent tears rolling down his face as he clutched the once missing picture frame close to his chest. Roman’s heart ached at the sight.

He’d never seen him look like this.

Roman opened his mouth to say something, though he knew the other wouldn’t hear him anyway. But, before he could there was a knock on the door.

~

“Knock, knock!” Logan heard Remy on the other side of his bedroom door, knowing damn well that he himself should be on that side as well.

He just didn’t have the will or the energy.

Logan let out a soft groan as he fell back onto the purple comforter, still clutching the same photo he’d been looking at for the past day and a half.

He didn’t want to let go.

“Sweetie, if you don’t open the door in the next five seconds, I’m going to break it down!”

“That won’t be necessary,” Logan began, voice hoarse from his lack of talking, “considering it is unlocked, there should be no need to break it down.”

Remy sighed as he entered the room, catching sight of the man before him through his sunglasses. He walked to the foot of the bed, sitting down next to Logan’s legs and folding his hands on his lap.

‘Y’know,” Remy began, turning to look at Logan’s face, while the latter continued to stare at the ceiling, “your son missed you over the past day or two. He’s downstairs wondering if his daddy’s okay. He’s easy to distract, though. Yesterday his ol’ Uncle Rem decided we should break into Uncle Devlin’s reptile room and pet his snake. Virgil thought Ryan was chill. Hashtag: get the child a corn snake, 2k19.”

Logan stayed silent, not breaking eye contact with the white paint above him.

“Girl, you’re going to have to say something. I’m not a mind reader.”

With that, Logan sat up, bringing the photo that was at his chest down to his lap, stroking the edges of the frame with his thumbs. He glanced towards the other man, who was currently adjusting the sleeve of his black dress shirt and then glanced back down at the photo, taking in the past smile of his husband.

A smile that he, nor Virgil, would ever see again.

A smile that Patton would never even remember.

A smile that was taken from the world too soon.

Before Logan could even process what he was doing, he threw the picture to his right, smashing it against the wall, leaving a noticeable dent and glass shattered on the floor. His body shook as it wracked with sobs, tears no longer flowing silently as Remy wrapped his arms around him, rocking and soothing the other as he hiccuped for air.

Roman Knight was dead… and Logan was barely surviving.

[confusedlittlemess-blog]

Thank you -Sorry mumma

Dearest momzie. Maa, mom,amma,ammi,matri,aai, I call you with whatever name you always respond with a big smile on your face and just 2 words- Haan beta?? . I guess moms have super powers of finding things out of nowhere. Mothers have eyes in the back of their heads. They are magical. They actually know what you've been hiding from everybody since a very long time. Mothers are the incarnation of the God on earth they say , I believe mothers are the only visible God in the universe. But what most melancholic is that none of us realize the efforts our moms put into our upbringing. A mother carries her child for as long as nine months in her womb , three years in her arms and forever in her heart. She Puts herself to risks just to give us a life. Those eight hours in labor room speak volumes about the greatness of a mother. Not only giving a child birth, a mother performs a ton of roles in her child's life from being your teacher to being your best friend she plays every role with same love and affection. I remember when i used to perform on stage in my primary school , my maa used to sit on the front row just to see me properly just to give me the assurance, just to let me know that I am not alone she is with me in all my efforts , in all my times and the moment she used to see me she would start crying and then she cried ,and cried,and cried until I finished the performance and came into her arms running , from the backstage. When everybody applauded me for a great performance, she cried, when I asked - mumma kyun ro rhe ho?she laughed wiping her eyes from the corner of her saree . What they call it? Yah tears of happiness. My maa secretly hides an ocean of these tears of happiness in her eyes and it starts overflowing Everytime I do something good. It's been 18 years of our relationship maa, and you have not changed even a bit. You still cry when I do something good, you still feed me with your hands whenever I get mad and skip dinner, you too don't eat until I finish my meal, you still dont sleep without me saying goodnight mumma! You still get furious when I go out in heavy rains without taking raincoat with me. You still get petrified when I get cold after getting wet in the rain. You still scold me for eating ice cream when I am having cold. You still get curious whenever i mention a new name in my conversations over phone with my bestie. You still get excited for my birthday , even though I hate my birthday and all the tantrums yet when you come to my room in the morning on my birthday and wish me happy birthday with all the enthusiasm and love of the world with a smiling face and all the blessings of the universe hiding in your arms and hug me , I feel like paradise maa, at that moment I wish my birthday never ends ,this moment never goes off, the gajar ka halwa that you make every year for me on my birthday makes my day much more special.... I know you were sick that day, you were having severe headache but the moment I entered the house after my college and shouted maa I am hungry, you woke up and went straight to the kitchen , made my favorite paav bhaji within a couple of minutes , fed me with your hands without even bothering about your headache , without uttering a word, without complaining. You never care about yourself na maa, do you? I know you don't. I know you think even I also don't care about you, right? But I care . I care about you maa for I know you have been giving sacrifices for your children and family without demanding anything in return. I care for I know there is nothing in this world that I can do without your presence,without your blessings. I care because I can't imagine my life without you. I care because I can't afford to loose you. You know I am still tied to your apron strings, I can't find my clothes,my shoes, my books, even my pen needs you to finally come over to my desk , how can I not care about you when I need you more than the oxygen to survive? Our mothers are the most devoted beings on earth, they are devoted to their children and family for all their lives and what we do in return ? Well, we take them for granted. My mom was my best friend since the day I came into existence, I wonder how she did she understand my weird hand movements and that toddler language of mine ahh! How maa?? I grew up telling you my stories , my fantasies , my unrealistic dreams. I grew up telling you about my crushes, about my hobbies,about my friends. But over the time as I grew up I started spending more time with my friends leaving behind the conversations me and you used to have in the afternoon back in the kitchen after coming back from school. Apparently, I started hiding things from you . Perhaps I started searching for a confidant in my new so called best buddies and forgot that you have been keeping my secrets safe even before I was born. I thought you won't understand. But I was wrong maa ,the so called best friends ditched, my secrets are out now. The Best Friends left. Only you stayed back with me . Even after so much ignorance, so much allegations that I threw on you just like that, you stayed. You stuck with me since the times of my first dance performance to my latest break up, you stood by my side in my ups and downs. You became my strength in all leaps and bounds, you fought for me with all the odds of the world. That day, I realised World is temporary, Maa is permanent. It was not easy , I know, to sacrifice your freedom, your dreams, your lifestyle just to raise me up, you lost everything you had in the process of making me something, let alone your identity. I know you have put alot of hard work , dedication, love and incredulous passion to raise your children. Maa ,I know, you think we don't realise but we do realize that you have suffered alot to see us happy. Every minute detail about me is always on your brain, but you can never take your medicines on time. While worrying about me , when I missed my morning lecture because I woke up late and left home without having breakfast, you skipped your breakfast too and didn't eat anything until I came back and filled my stomach with all my favorite dishes laid on the table. Maa you taught me everything. Whatever I am today is all because of you. Your values, your morals,your teachings have made me a better person. You taught me the most crucial lessons of my life with so much ease. Maa , I understand, you get upset when I don't talk to you, I understand you also need someone by your side sometimes and nobody of us could spend time with you but you never complain . Sometimes I wonder what have I done good in my previous life that I have you in my life-The only gift of God. Maa I hope you understand that it's really very tough to pen down everything about you. You are such a divine personality which can never be summed up into a few words. But this is just a token of love and appreciation (a very tiny one compared to you) for whatever you have been doing for your children and family. This is not just a thank you letter, umm actually it's a thankyou-Sorry letter. Thank you for not leaving me in my bad times . Sorry for not being there when you needed me. Thank you for always believing in me. Sorry for not trusting you. Thank you for handling my mood swings and putting up with all my tantrums. Sorry for shouting on you for all the silly reasons. Thank you for understanding me. Sorry for not being able to understand you. Thank you for making me who I am . Sorry for not being your good daughter. Thank you for giving me your values and morals. Sorry for not realising the value of your words. Thank you for calling me a hundred times a day ,out of pure concern. Sorry for not responding to your calls, out of complete selfishness. Thank you maa for everything. Sorry maa for everything. I can't thank you much. Sorry is a very small word for the things I have been doing to you since a long time. You are the only precious thing I have in my life. Don't ever leave me. I am still nothing more than a cry baby. And yeah smile forever. Because everything becomes beautiful when you smile. I love you. You are love mumma. I need you!! I promise I will make you proud one day. From A proud daughter.