#god i hope torgrim would get edward

[therealvinelle]

what would have happened if torgrim had decided to use his power when bella showed up in new moon?

Aro would fucking kill him, that's what would happen.

Here they are, with Carlisle's children come to visit, along with this extremely talented human girl that Aro is hoping to, if not recruit, then have her leave a friend to the Volturi.

More, this is a very tense situation, given the whole Edward-refuses-to-turn-Bella thing. Aro can't have Torgrim blowing people up all over the globe.

But, let's back up a bit.

Why would Torgrim use his gift in his first place?

To him, the day is... if not normal, then it's not a day worth breaking out his gift either. There's drama with some old friends of Aro's, alright. Not Torgrim's problem.

Until the human girl refutes first Aro, then Jane.

Torgrim is agog.

Why, this girl renders them powerless!

Torgrim wonders if his gift would work on her.

He closes his eyes, summons whatever energy and concentration he must, and...

Corin blows up.

Everyone turns to stare in horror at the crater that was Corin up until a few

"Corin?" Sulpicia asks in a shaky voice in the silence that follows. "Corin?!"

Athenodora and Caius are panicking as well, this woman was their entire stash, they don't have another drug vampire. They frantically start trying to gather the dust and rubble and put it back together. NOBODY MOVE UNTIL THEY HAVE ALL THE CORIN DUST. Bella, stop breathing, you might inhale Corin particles!!

Bella just stares in shock and horror as these two women and Caius, who was so regal and dignified just seconds ago, starts scooping up handfulls of dust and sniffing it like cocaine.

Edward uselessly puts her behind him, he can protect her! From... whatever this is.

Aro, meanwhile, is staring at Torgrim. "What have you done?" he seethes.

Torgrim swallows so heavily that even Bella can hear it, steps backwards, and...

Well, you know how intrusive thoughts work. The harder you're trying not to think about something, the more present they make themselves in your mind.

Torgrim doesn't mean to, honestly he doesn't, but he finds himself using his gift again. Call it a panic reaction.

Felix blows up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he insists, but judging by the murderous look in Aro's eyes he's about to be fucking sorry.

For reasons not known to Torgrim himself, he uses his gift again.

Random vampire across the globe #13 blows up.

Nothing happens.

"Oh, Jesus, Jesus Christ," Torgrim is moaning to himself in sheer terror as Aro nods towards someone behind Torgrim's back.

Volturi guard member #3 blows up.

Alec knocks Torgrim out after that, and Bella gets to witness an execution up close.

She might not be traumatized, but dear god she's not forgetting this anytime soon.

Alice, wanting to get gone stat, tells Aro she'll be turning Bella, no stress, can we go now?

Aro, who'd forgotten why they were even there, nods mutely.

Sulpicia, Athenodora, and Caius spend the following months, if not years, going through severe withdrawal. Caius is unable to order Jane to stall with Victoria's army on account of sobbing in a corner.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if all the gifted Volturi randomly power-swapped?

I believe this question was inspired by the time the Cullens all gift swapped.

As always, to be fair, I've stuck Corin, Renata, Jane, Alec, Aro, Marcus, Felix, Demetri, Heidi, Chelsea, and Afton to randomly choose from a list.

Caveat

Before I begin, I should note that this won't make a huge difference. While changing up gifts means roles will shift around/Aro will be utterly annoying as he badgers whoever has his gift to now touch everyone's hand and tell him everything, the Volturi don't lose any gifts and they still function properly.

They're still the Volturi who can do what the Volturi must do.

They're just going to have a rough time for a while.

With that, let's begin.

Afton

Per the lord our god, Python's PRNG, Afton now has Chelsea's gift (Torgrim, you magnificent bastard, you always live to serve).

This is the best day of Afton's life. Not only is he Important (with a capital I), required on Volturi missions, and absolutely vital to the health of the organization, but HE CAN MAKE EVERYONE LOVE HIM. Everyone will respect him now! He'll be like Jonathon in Buffy.

Chelsea tells him this is great. This is wonderful, she's not upset or having an existential crisis. She is so glad that Afton now has a great gift that Aro will love him for. This is great.

Everyone else, for the record, thinks this is not great. Now, if there was ever a distant hope of getting rid of Afton, it's gone. He's not just Chelsea's mate, he is Chelsea. They're stuck with him forever unless they can learn how to swap gifts back.

And then Afton learns the terrible truth.

He's so unlikeable that, just like Chelsea, he can't make anyone like him. He's treated the same as ever. The difference being that Aro reluctantly calls him to the throne room "Afton can you... sigh... please do your thing?" or whoever he's out in the field with recruiting just gives him despairing looks.

Ugh. Afton.

Afton would like his old gift back, please.

Alec

By the divine will of Python, Alec gets Renata's gift.

He's utterly upset, now he doesn't have a badass power and has to hang around Aro, Caius, and Marcus constantly while everyone else gets to go cool places and do cool things.

(Renata is also very upset as THAT WAS HER JOB, DAMMIT)

He also never wanted to see this much of Aro in his life. Aro, for his own part, after centuries of hanging around Renata has no idea how to handle hanging around twelve-year-old Alec. Or the fact that Alec is now privy to many secrets that he is forbidden from telling his sister.

Alec's miserable.

Aro

Aro gets Heidi's gift.

This is one of the worst things that has ever happened to him. He's lost his gift that informed his very sense of self, he now has to rely on someone else to use that gift in his place with no means of knowing how much they're truly conveying to him, and in compensation he's now Extra Hot when the man he's in love with is miles across the sea and married.

This is a joke is what it is.

Well, Aro feels very very depressed for a while and then he gets over it. Alas, because he's him and in charge of this operation, he can't just take over Heidi's job. Instead, he tries to become Chelsea 2.0 since Afton is the new Chelsea (and can't rely on him for that).

"You know you want to join the Volturi," Aro says, lounging on his throne, looking... oddly alluring.

(Edward and Alice suddenly don't know what to say. He looks... oddly attractive and it's very hard to think of why they were so against joining the Volturi. It's kind of hard to think at all.)

Chelsea

Chelsea gets Jane's gift.

This is terrible. Chelsea goes from being the one everyone likes to being Miss Torture Queen and the bringer of pain. More, while she already got to hang out with Demetri a fair deal, now she's with him all the time as she has to tour around the world murdering people left and right (or whoever takes over Demetri's job, I guess we find that out later).

She's away from her husband (who has her gift and THAT'S FINE, THAT'S GREAT, GOOD FOR AFTON), people give her weird looks, and she's very very very unhappy.

Aro tells her that at least she didn't end up with the gift that's useless Hotness. (Chelsea would rather have that gift, she would love to have Heidi's job, GIVE HER HEIDI'S JOB).

Corin

Corin gets Felix's gift.

Gone are Corin's cushy days of hanging out with the wives, the only real people she's talked to much for centuries. Now, she has to pal Demetri's replacement, a very very very pissed Chelsea, and whoever is Alec now.

And she has to beat people up.

Chelsea at least gets to stand there, most of the time, Corin has to actually go in and get her hands very dirty.

She's having the worst time.

Demetri

Demetri gets Afton's gift.

Demetri dies, he just dies, not only did he lose a gift that he very much relied upon and has informed the course of his entire life, but he now has fucking Afton's gift.

What does he even do with himself now? He is the most useless being to walk the planet (Aro tells him he's very sorry, but at least he's not Hotness) Demetri would rather be Hotness because then at least he wouldn't be Useless.

I imagine Demetri keeps going around anyway. He has friends to visit, gossip to hear, and if he doesn't know where anyone is anymore then he can just pal around with the new Demetri and tell him how to use his gift properly. Demetri has a social network to maintain, thank you very much.

Felix

Felix gets Aro's gift.

He now gets hounded by Aro constantly, has to attend every single Volturi meeting, touch the hand of every single witness who visits, and sometimes go out and touch very specific hands. He's barely able to comprehend Aro's gift and then Aro demands he gives the rundown of these people's entire lives.

It's very overwhelming.

He'd rather be killing people.

Heidi

Heidi gets Demetri's gift.

Well, she'd rather be thinking up scams to lure humans into Volterra, it's what she's good at, but sure, she can go around tracking people with Demetri (who insists on coming). She also gets to hang out with a very angry Chelsea and Corin, which is less fun, but she figures there's not much you can do about this (and at least she didn't get the shittiest gift).

Though she does feel uncomfortable watching Aro shamelessly use her gift in any way he can. It just doesn't feel right.

Jane

Jane gets Corin's gift.

Alec may be stuck with Renata's gift but Jane is stuck with the getting high gift. She now has to awkwardly hang out with the wives and Caius, getting them high for days, bored out of her mind.

The only plus side is that she and Alec actually get to hang out with each other and don't have to go anywhere. So they commiserate on how bored and miserable they are.

This blows.

Marcus

Marcus gets Alec's gift.

Marcus would realize this is the worst day of his life except he's too depressed.

Instead, Aro tells him one morning, "Now Marcus, since you, ah, no longer have your gift, and appear to have dear Alec's, I'm going to need you to go out into the field. Often. Do you understand me?"

Marcus finds himself hanging around Chelsea, Corin, and Heidi, being told to subdue enemies with his new gift, and not having his sixth sense which was very innate to him at this point.

Now, Marcus doesn't particularly care, he's too depressed for that.

But it is... a day in the life of Marcus.

Weird shit happens to you.

Renata

And Renata gets Marcus' gift. She misses her own gift, dearly, but her role doesn't change much. She hangs around the big three and along with Felix informs Caius, Aro, and Marcus (when he gets to be around) of what's going on with whoever they're meeting with.

Renata does rather well in all of this.

[therealvinelle]

Has Torgrim managed to blow up Edward yet? I've been looking through the Torgrim posts on yours and the Muffin's blogs, and I can't find one where Edward gets blown up. If not, can you let out our man Torgrim again and commence with the exploding until he gets Edward? I wanna see that little fucker get blown sky high like a firework!

Many characters haven't been blown up yet at all while others have been blown up many times, Torgrim is oddly favoritist.

But sure, let's do it.

We're setting the stage one year after the events of Breaking Dawn. Everyone is minding their own business.

Except for Torgrim.

Torgrim is like the Joker, in that he has many backstories, but all of them are true.

In one world, he was an RPG-er.

In this one, Torgrim was a professional fingersnapper.

Never heard of those?

Not a lot of people have.

Nonetheless, Torgrim was a professional fingersnapper. And he was good at what he did.

So good, in fact, that on the last night of his human life, he was headed to the 2007 Grand Fingersnapper Slam Tournament, where he hoped to defeat his competitors and be crowned the year's Golden Fingers.

His fingers were packed in neat little finger gloves, with special cushions on his fingerpads, and his mind was focused.

He would have won that tournament.

Alas, fate would have it otherwise.

When Torgrim woke up three days later, his first thought was "Hope I didn't miss the Grand Fingersnapper Slam Tournament."

His second thought, after being told he was now a vampire and the beautiful man who had created him hoped he'd be his apprentice or whatever, was "Fuck that guy dismissing my pashion. Fingersnapping is a real sport!"

He snaps his fingers at him, just to show how good he was at fingersnapping.

Torgrim blew up Kachiri

(Somewhere in the rainforest, Senna and Zafrina scream in horror at that moment, and both try to gather up their fallen sister's ashes.)

The good news is, Torgrim was even better at fingersnapping now that he was a vampire. Never had he carried out a more finely coordinated, more deft, more rhythmic fingersnap.

The bad news is, he'd never get to show this to the Grand Fingersnapper Slam Tournament, because participants who fail to show are banned for life. That, and according to the vampire Torgrim would probably eat the whole tournament.

Oh well.

Torgrim snaps his fingers a few more times, if only to behold the beauty of his own perfect fingersnaps.

Torgrim blows up Volturi guard member #7

Torgrim blows up Stefan

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Rivaling army to Maria's #4

(In Volterra, Romania, and Mexico, Aro, Vladimir and Maria's rival army leader were all the shocked witnesses to NPCs and Stefan blowing up.

Vladimir screams "NOOO" at the sky in the face of being the only surviving Romanian, and swears revenge a thousand times over upon the Volturi for this. HE WILL HAVE ARO'S HEAD YET.)

Okay, nice fingersnapping, Torgrim's creator says tiredly, before asking him to focus.

Torgrim petulantly snaps his fingers again. His fingersnaps are amazing, thank you very much!

Torgrim blows up Jane

(Alec screams in horror, Aro just wants to throw up. Oh dear god, they are under attack, and they've already lost Jane.

This might just be it.

And so soon after they were humiliated by the Cullens, too.

The Volturi desperately rally, ready to fight of this invisible enemy. Even the secretaries were prepared to do what they can to help, as they walk to the entryways to the Volturi castle with knives, ready to cut themselves up to distract invaders.)

Torgrim is given the how's and what's and do's and don't's of vampirism, it's a rather long talk.

(In Volterra, the Volturi are not lowering their guard just yet.

Even as hours began to pass.

Finally, Aro suggests they try to find out what just happened. And, er, give Alec emergency trauma counseling.)

Torgrim gets a bit bored eventually, and snaps his fingers again because his fingersnapping is amazing.

Torgrim blows up Renesmee

(Bella, covered in her daughter's blood and gore, screams in horror. The Cullens gather around, Bella begs Carlisle to do something, anything, to help her daughter, and lunges at him when he tells her there was nothing to be done.)

"Can you please stop doing that," Torgrim's creator says.

Alright alright.

Torgrim lets it rest until the talk is over.

It's a day later, after he has fed for the first time, thrown a few newborn tantrums, and contemplated God, the Universe, and existence, that Torgrim decides to try snapping his fingers on both hands simultaneously.

Torgrim blows up Felix

Torgrim blows up Carmen

(The Volturi, who have found no trace of any perpetrators in the hours that passed, now fear they'll be killed off one by one.

Someone is playing a sick game with them, that's for sure.

Eleazar, Kate, and Tanya, meanwhile, weep in horror and grief. "There, there," Garrett tries to say. Carmen was great, but he didn't know her that well yet.)

Torgrim, meanwhile, has had an amazing idea.

He's gonna play chopsticks with his fingersnapping.

Torgrim blows up Jennifer

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #14

Torgrim blows up Maria

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Rivaling army to Maria's #5

Torgrim blows up Serena

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #10

Torgrim blows up Sulpicia's body guard

Torgrim blows up Tia

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #7

(All around the world, vampires are dying, as Torgrim mercilessly fingersnaps them all into oblivion.

Maria's army, having now lost their leader, huddle in terror, while Benjamin sobs on the floor in grief. Amun, who didn't like Tia that much, doesn't mind as much. Oh, tragic, truly, Tia was the best of us. Yes, tragic.

Joham stares in confusion at his daughters, or sudden lack thereof. Guess it's you and me now, Maysun.)

Torgrim grins and bobs his head according to the awesome chopstick fingersnapping.

Being a vampire is awesome.

Torgrim blows up Afton

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Maria's army #5

Torgrim blows up Volturi guard member #9

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Rivaling army to Maria's #5

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Maria's army #2

Torgrim blows up Volturi guard member #8

Torgrim blows up Rosalie

Torgrim blows up Charles

Torgrim blows up Amun

Torgrim blows up Emmett

Torgrim blows up Renata

("Here it comes," Aro moans, as his trusted body guard implodes by his side, and Afton and two others die as well.

Sensing that there is no stopping what's happening, he thanks his guard for their service, and tells them to make whatever preparations they wish for death.

The Cullens, meanwhile, are in a state of shock and terror at Rosalie and Emmett dying the way Renesmée just did, just as Kebi and Benjamin stare at Amun's ashes in dull horror.

They all assume the Volturi are behind this.

Carlisle reaches for the phone, hoping to beg Aro for mercy.

Maria's army, meanwhile, is now down to three terrified people. Oh dear.)

Torgrim adds vocals to the chopsticks. "Nts, nts, m-hmmm!" while he bobs his head like the rock star he is to his incredible fingersnapping.

Who even cares about the Grand Fingersnapper Slam Tournament. They're beneath Torgrim now. Everyone is!

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Maria's army #1

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Maria's army #3

Torgrim blows up Nahuel

Torgrim blows up Volturi guard member #1

Torgrim blows up Volturi guard member #3

Torgrim blows up Alec

Torgrim blows up Siobhan

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #7

Torgrim blows up Corin

Torgrim blows up Volturi guard member #6

Torgrim blows up Volturi guard member #5

(Maria's army is now down to just one guy. He decides to meet his death with dignity, or try to anyway, and stands up, squaring his shoulders.

Liam and Maggie, who had no idea anything was happening, stare at Siobhan's ashes in horror. They are... pretty sure she didn't want this to happen.

Aro, meanwhile, watches Alec go up in rubble with grief, but it's the end anyway, and this way the boy gets to be with his sister. It's too bad he had to outlive her at all.

Caius, meanwhile, is not happy Corin died, because now he's dying and sober. Terrible!!

The phone rings, and Aro picks up.)

Torgrim's creator comes up to him and asks what the fuck all the noise is about.

Torgrim looks the guy right in the eye and continues chopsticking, while moonwalking away.

Torgrim blows up Aro

Torgrim blows up Maysun

Torgrim blows up Liam

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Rivaling army to Maria's #3

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #8

Torgrim blows up Peter

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #19

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #20

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #3

Torgrim blows up Newborn army recruit - Maria's army #4

Torgrim blows up Eleazar

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #9

Torgrim blows up Random vampire across the globe #4

Torgrim blows up Randall

Torgrim blows up Edward

"Alright, that's enough," Torgrim's creator says.

Torgrim pouts, but stops chopsticking.

(The vampire world lies in ruins.

Within weeks, news spread of the meaningless death that covered the world, and of how hard Volterra was hit. Only Chelsea, Demetri, Marcus, Caius, the wives, and a few other guards remain of the once so mighty coven.

The good news is, many troublemakers are now dead. Entire newborn armies have been wiped out, the Cullens are in deep mourning, there's not a coven left untouched. Not a single hybrid survived the slaughter.

The Volturi haven't actually been overthrown, which means the vampire world is plunged into war as rival covens now vye for power in the wake of the deaths of Aro, Jane, and Alec.

When Torgrim and his creator hear of this, they both hem and haw at how tragic that is and agree it's a total mystery how it could happen.)

[therealvinelle]

for experiments sake, let's say Aro DOES have a vampire who can blow people up. how would twilight go then? (that ask was hilarious btw, thank you!)

(Anon is referring to this post.)

Oh my god I'm so glad you asked.

So, since you refer to a post where I used a random generator to determine who would be blown up, I'm going to go ahead and make that Aro's new guy's power.

He can kill anyone within an instant, remotely, and he can't be blocked. His is Death and he will not be stopped. Let's call him Torgrim, it's appropriately badass.

The drawback being that he has no way of determining who gets blown up. It's completely random. Though for the sake of having my character list be relevant, we'll say that his power only works on vampires.

Aro doesn't have any real use for him, but he didn't want the guy runninng around on his own either so, sure. He can join the guard.

SO. I have a list of 53 vampire characters who are alive during the Breaking Dawn confrontation. All of them are named, as I did not feel serious adding "Volturi witness #1" or "Maria's newborn army recruit #1" when I don't know that the already named characters in the appendix aren't witnessing for the Volturi, or that Maria actually has a newborn army at the time of the Breaking Dawn trial.

Also, for the record, I didn't prewrite who gets blown up, I get to find out as I write this post.

Irina is off the list, as Caius just killed her. Torgrim is on the list.

Alec, Jane, and Chelsea try their gifts, each of them fail. The Cullen side is starting to get their hopes up.

Never fear, Caius has an ace up his sleeve.

A new figure, a man cloaked in vantablack (Aro wanted to give him light gray since he can't actually be used for anything, upon second thought he didn't want the guy to get uppity and start using his gift.) steps forward.

No one's seen this guy before.

Everyone turns to Eleazar, and to Edward, wanting to know what this guy can do.

Eleazar stares at Torgrim, squints, tilts his head, squints harder, tilts his head the other way. Finally, he says "He has some kind of offensive power."

Edward doesn't know what the gift is, but he does know that Aro is shitting bricks. He grins, this guy isn't gonna be a problem.

Torgrim grins, theatrically snaps his fingers, and-

Rosalie blows up.

The Cullens and witnesses scream in equal parts shock and terror. Bella can't protect them after all.

Aro, knowing this was extremely lucky and also that they just killed Carlisle's daughter, wants to pack up and get the fuck out, now. They've shown that they have the power to destroy the Cullens, great, let's show them mercy and leave.

There's not going to be a happy ending now, not with Carlisle's daughter dead and Carlisle himself sobbing on the ground, clutching rubble a few hundred meters away, but the Volturi are now in control. There can still be a peaceful ending.

Edward, reading his thoughts, demands that the witnesses hold their positions, Aro isn't in control of this situation after all.

Caius decides to take the gamble. He tells Torgrim to go.

Stefan blows up.

Caius is now cackling loudly, while the Cullen witnesses are closing their eyes in dread. They were fools to believe they could ever stand against the Volturi, or that some newborn girl could possibly protect them from the Volturi.

Aro thinks about how miraculous his luck is, that not only is Torgrim not killing any Volturi, but he is killing the vampires present. This is everything he ever hoped for from Torgrim.

Edward hears all of this.

Being close to panicking, he finds himself incapable of closing his mouth. He tells everybody that Torgrim has no control of his power, and taunts him.

Torgrim has a few issues.

Here he is, so very powerful, he can kill anybody and everybody, he could render Jane, Alec, Felix, and Demetri all redundant, he could singlehandedly rule the world if he so wished.

Except he can't, because his power is randomized.

He possesses such great power, but no way to wield it.

Now, thanks to mathematically improbable luck, the gods have granted him one moment of glory.

And this rebel twerp means to ruin it for him. This rebel twerp dares to mock him.

Torgrim stares down Edward, narrows his eyes, and with every ounce of his being he concentrates on Edward Cullen.

He unleashes his power.

Kebi blows up.

Carlisle begs Edward to stop talking, everyone begs him to stop talking, Bella is losing control of her shield in distress.

Aro is this close to hyperventilating. Torgrim, for the love of god, don't try it again. He doesn't even need to, Alec can take advantage of Bella's inner turmoil now.

Before Torgrim can use his power again, Aro orders him to stop. Point proven, let's be merciful now. (Before Aro himself blows up.)

Edward, desperate for a win in the midst of all this disaster where he just goaded the Volturi into blowing up Stefan and Kebi, decides it's speech time. He starts talking about how the Volturi are tyrants, they're evil and corrupt and will kill just about anybody. Literally, they have a guy who'll kill anybody at all.

Caius starts doing the math on how many vampires Torgrim has to kill before Edward explodes. Sadly for Caius, Marcus was always the one who was good at maths, but Marcus doesn't care anymore. He asks anyway. Marcus, E = {1 ∈ 0 < n }, and P(Edward dies) = 1/E, uh- Marcus, help. MARCUS.

Aro is debating which option makes him look less terrible, to interrupt Edward and start bickering with this seventeen-year-old or wait until he's done before saying anything, or take advantage of Bella's panic and try Alec again, or-

Torgrim uses his power again.

Liam blows up.

Holy fuck, Siobhan should have prevented that. I guess Python is more powerful than she is.

Someone tackles Edward to the ground, the Cullen surrender, and Alice and Jasper arrive just in time to see that they've already lost.

Aro brings Renesmée and Bella with him back to Volterra, not so much out of interest for Renesmée so much as bringing the daughter is a perfect excuse to bring Bella as well. Bella is too dangerous to be left alone out there. In time, she will either come to see the Volturi as friends, or be executed.

This timeline is the nail in the coffin for his friendship with Carlisle, as he killed his daughter and then kidnapped Bella and Renesmée, but it's a sacrifice he can make.

(Though should the opportunity arise...)

A few months later, wanting to prove to the world that this wasn't just a one-off, that Torgrim is indeed a mighty man who can somewhat direct his power in the right direction and should be allowed to do things within the Volturi, Torgrim uses his power again.

Emmett blows up.

... this program is just refusing to harm the Volturi, huh.