#god i hope this works right it's been so long since ive used tumblr properly ajskfhdasjk

[kennynvsh]

hey look, it's KENDALL NASH! she’s a TWENTY-FOUR year old originally from PALO ALTO. i heard she’s pretty SOLITARY, but i think she’s so INTELLIGENT at the same time. while she’s terrified of being harmed, she’s perhaps more afraid of people finding out SHE RAN AWAY FROM HOME AT SEVENTEEN AFTER GETTING PREGNANT AND GAVE HER CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION. she had no idea what she was getting herself into when she moved to wrenbury.

hlo! i’m trace nd this is one of my og trash children, nd here’s a little bit abt both of us (tw: pregnancy, drug use, alcohol use):

Kendall Nash grew up in a broken household in Palo Alto, California. From the outside it looked like her life was great, a large house, her daddy’s gold card available at her disposal, the popular girl in high school. But dig a little deeper and you start to see the cracks. Divorced parents always at each others’ throats, a new step mother every couple of years, a mother who was more concerned with her own reflection than if her daughter was okay or not, and a brother who used their closeness to emotionally manipulate her. Parker was her best friend, without a doubt. They were a year and a half apart, but they could have been twins. But Parker had a darkness about him, something that Kendall was blinded to, and something that inevitably always got her in trouble. 

Kendall didn’t want to blame things in her life on other people, she knows that she made the decisions she did, but sometimes she can’t help but wonder if she didn’t have Parker whispering in her ear to try alcohol at thirteen, drugs at fourteen, if her life would have been different. However awful Parker could be, there was one good things about him. Drake, his best friend. Someone Kendall actually despised for the longest time, until Parker almost completely broke her, and Drake was there to pick up the pieces. Kendall found herself spending more and more time with Drake, and their progression into a relationship was one of the most natural things she’d experienced in her life.

Until she found out that she was pregnant. Not wanting Drake to think that she was trying to trap him, or even worse, not wanting him to bolt when he found out, Kendall took it upon herself to be the one to leave. A forward thinker, she’d been stashing cash from the time she was twelve years old, and used her savings to skip town. She thought about not going through with the pregnancy, but couldn’t bring herself to do it, and instead ended up in Phoenix, Arizona for the birth, and immediately gave the baby boy up for adoption. She only held him once, but that was all it took to know she couldn’t do it herself.

Since then, Kendall has been on the move, never staying in one place longer than a year. Well, that is, until moving to Wrenbury. As she’s coming to find out, leaving the camp might be the hardest move she’s had yet.

omg hello!? i forgot to introduce myself >.> hi i’m trace! i’m 29 on the 29th (my golden year stuck in this pandemic i am uh how u say mad), nd i know i’m an old fart so u can make grandma jokes it’s okay i don’t mind. my pronouns are they/them, but i don’t mind she/her either, but primarily they/them. i used to be super active in tumblr rp from like 2012-2015?? and kinda fell out bcus a mix of rl drama, online drama, and my computer being a piece of shit. BUT i have a new computer now at least so ya bitch is back 🤙🏻 i have a lil four month old kitten named brodie, i also have a pup who doesn’t live with me named peaches. uhhh i’m a barista so i usually have to be at work at 5am, so that means going to sleep at 7pm, so some days i’ll be off super early but that won’t affect my activity! i don’t rly know how to share my discord??? i already told u i’m OLD but if u want my discord nd now how i can share it lemme kno

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

[pxrxmoore]

ohhhh anna’s lil tag game is very cute i love these questions! thank u @ashtcnirwin 🥰

feel free to answer all of them or just some of them or just ignore this all together, whatever you’re comfortable with, and then tag however many people you want!

1. what was your first encounter with fanfiction? asjdfk god it was atl fic on livejournal and mibba in like 2010 maybe?? idek but it was all slash fic like had literally not heard of reader insert until i joined the sos fam properly in 2018. also don’t remember what my reaction to it was?? reading slash fic has been so normal for me for like 10 yrs i dont know how the fcuk it started 😂 this was before i got tumblr but i used to keep up to date with some of the bigger atl blogs like it was the morning news or sumat and like 90% of them wrote amazing fic so 🤷‍♀️

2. your favourite creation of your own of all time if you create stuff (feel free to link it)?

3. what vibe are you going for with your home decor (or what vibe do you wanna go for one day, if you don’t have your own place atm)? oh man, unfortunately i dont have my own place right now, but my room is full of plants and i also just spent half an hour looking at witchy occult cat figurines on amazon sooooo ig those are my vibes rn 😌 but i feel like it changes all the time tbh

4. first fandom you ever joined? what was it like? on what platform did it happen? paramore was the first band i was a massive fan of but i didnt rly get into the fandom ig i just was my own lil bubble of pmore. i had a massive kpop phase when i was like 13 and my fave band was UKiss - i joined a forum (cannot remember what it’s called rn) and met a few people thru that! i met this rly sweet girl and we used to message every day and we like designed our own merch ackskrkr so ig that must’ve been my first fandom! i also taught myself basic korean and this is gonna sound Very Weird but instead of like knowing celebs zodiac signs it was rly common to know blood types like it was kind of the same deal apparently ur blood type says a lot about ur personality ajxjkskf so i knew like kpop idols blood types ajsjjfjjcjfjjf ahhhhhh so wild

5. what are your sun, moon and rising signs, and do you think they make sense in relation to how you know yourself? aries sun, leo moon, cancer rising - i am an absolute disgrace of an aries LMAO i do not fit my sun sign in the slightest its the complete opposite of me, leo is kinda similar tbh i feel like its kinda close to aries? so yeah i dont fit those at all. ig i kind of am more cancer bc im emotional as all hell LOL but yeah i never put a lot of thought into my signs for a rly long time bc i always felt they were a completely wrong description of me

6. if you write and/or read fiction (original or fanfiction), do the tropes/plots/character types you typically seek out to read and/or write about reflect something about you as a being or how you see the world? i don’t write but uhhh i usually go for like hurt/comfort which??? ig i could relate to me LMAO how emo 😌 i’m not sure tbh, i deff don’t feel the characters i read reflect anything about me?? tbh i have never rly thought about this thats super interesting.... i feel like i love a good angsty fic but it has to have a happy ending asdksnidfg and im a pretty emo person but like ig im tryna be hopeful in the end?? so maybe?? yeah ig its how i would see the world!

7. what is the hardest obstacle you’ve had to overcome so far in life? holy shit uhhhhhhh man thts a tough one but idk if i wanna think about it in too much detail tbh 😌 ig recently i spoke to a dr about my mental health after years of pretending i wasnt depressed so 🤷‍♀️

8. what is your all time favourite song(s)? brighter by paramore - first song i fell in love with by them and ive been hooked ever since. before i listened to them i only listened to chart music lmfao literally had never listened to anything else and then after listening to paramore i started listening to rock/pop punk music and discovered all the bands that i listen to now!

9. what do you look for in a person you wanna keep in your life, be it a friend or a romantic partner or anything in between? hm ig recently ive realised its gotta be someone who has the same kinds views and values as me (i mean not down to a t but like generally the same kinda views and like respect for others u know) uhh someone i feel comfortable around to act my true chaotic self 😌✌️and also comfortable to know we can both talk about anything with no judgement no matter what it is. but also someone that respects like having seperate lives from each other? like not needing to be in each others pockets and knowing even if it’s been a lil while u can still message and it’s like no time has passed

10. this is a bit of a difficult one, but have you ever had a moment of clarity, a conversation with someone that made you go “oh!”, or anything along those lines? ooh i mean in 2018 i was working an office job in engineering and had a moment of like wow ive always wanted to work in events and especially live music and ive wanted to since i was like 13 and here i am 10 years later still considering that as a potential career path so ig it means something pretty significant and i decided to leave my perm job last year and go temp but then. yeah. this year happened so 🥴🤷‍♀️

i tag: @superbloomirwin @kindahoping4forever @spookydaddycal @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @reveriesofawriter @mastasof-ravenkroft @rebelwith0utacause @karajaynetoday 💛

[jimlingss]

pt.2 of yesterday

I don’t want to flood people’s dashes, so hopefully answering your messages here will suffice!

anonymous asked: Hi! I wanted to tell you how much I love your work and how you make me enjoy every Monday thanks to your regular updates ! I saw a previous anon telling you how your writings lacks of emotion and I totally disagree with them... obviously everybody won’t like it but your stories just DON’T lack of love or emotion this is madness I want to thank you for publishing your amazing stories freely here for everyone to read. (Sorry if my English is weird I’m french ejfjekfjd)

“this is madness” LOL

You’re hilarious, anon. And your english is perfectly fine!!!

anonymous asked: Hello! Im the culinary student anon who sent you an ask a while ago and i saw you received an ask about the lack of emotion from your stories. I read kitchen romance and i actually really really like it and don’t quite understand how it lacks in emotions as I interpreted the stories more like the beginning of the oc and jin’s love story and they are only starting to open up to each other so i guess thats why anon might feel like it lacks romantic vibe from both of the characters. (1)

Anonymous said: Just want to tell you that you’re one of the best writer and ive been following you for 2/3 years now, you never failed to amaze me with your writings!! All your stories are so well written that i sometimes wonder how do you come up with such an amazing plot every single time and your stories are always nice to re-read and the effort you pour into creating your stories is also admirable (2)

while i was reading kitchen romance and ive only started s&c (currently on chapter 4) i can say that its pretty similar with how it is irl (and the part where we find out jk is an iu fans reminded me of my ex-crush whose also a culinary student, i would like to tell you a story about it but ill just waste your time lol) , just want to send you a few encouragement and love for you and your writings *sending virtual hugs* (3) -👩🏻‍🍳anon

You’re too kind, thank you (and also, welcome back!). I’ll be frank, there was a hot second I was considering taking down Kitchen Romance but I didn’t cause I don’t want my efforts of editing it to go to waste asdfghjkl. I can’t believe you’ve been sticking around me for so long :’) it’s always nice to know some folks stay. Anyway, I’m glad that Sugar and Coffee is pretty similar to how it works irl since I tried my best to do research. I definitely love a good storytime as well so don’t worry about wasting my time :>

Anonymous said: a good majority of your fics display an unfathomable amount of DEPTH. regarding character development. plot. even the shortest lines of dialogue reveal so much more to the character and unveil their true emotions. i personally think the more REALISTIC side of love may be perceived as 'bland.' ‘emotionless.’ whatever you want to call it. nothing’s wrong with portraying a relationship that isn’t overboard with a whole lot of tooth aching fluff or lowkey annoying pda. +1

Anonymous said: there’s nothing wrong with taking out a bit of emotion to fit the PERSONALITIES of the characters. some people out there don’t necessarily feel a lot of emotions. so it’s honestly not really a mistake if a story lacks it (unless it was unintentional). subtlety is an art that is hard to master, but you’ve done it! and to respond to the anon, sometimes, if you skim through a fic without reading every word the author intended for you to read, +2

Anonymous said: then it’s quite common to not feel the full extent of the emotions you were supposed to feel. just a thought but no hate. we’re all entitled to our opinions. but besides that, kina, you write on a vast scale ranging from hardcore angst to diabetes-inducing fluff. and you do it beautifully. sure there are some stories that are better than others, but i believe a LOT of it comes down to personal preference and taste. +3

Anonymous said: even if you are feeling creatively limited, you work hard to continue writing for your readers, and your determination and diligence wILL NOT GO UNNOTICED. i just want you to know that you write amazingly. your syntax is practically immaculate, your characters feel real… the endings of your stories always wrap something up and the strings are tied—even if it isn’t necessarily a happy ending. you can convey hundreds of different characters through WORDS. +4

Anonymous said: i’ll have you know that it’s hard to write. it’s even harder to write about people who aren’t YOU. so as someone who looks up to you a lot, i want to commend you for your writing. some of your fics that i read on a monthly basis: tears of a villain, a piece of the moonlight, head over heels to hell, ghost in the machine, a mark of betrayal, a kiss of poison, until yesterday, the truth between us and arcadia. +5

Anonymous said: to be fair, there were way more fics but i didn’t want to make this message any longer than it already is LOL. i find these pieces wonderful. heart wrenching. and SO DAMN EMOTIONAL IT PLAGUES MY MIND FOR DAYS. also you’re literally one of the few fucking people who can use the em dash correctly. thank you so much for sharing your talent with us! +6

Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to say, anon. This is a whole damn thesis and it’s about my fics :’> You know, it’s easy to brush off fanfiction as a ‘whatever’ thing and indeed, it isn’t that big of a deal compared to some things in the world. But I really do take all my stories seriously and put forth a lot of effort - so to see it recognized and appreciated it makes me beyond happy. It’s good to know that my efforts haven’t gone to waste at all and that there are people out there who will support me no matter the endeavours I take. Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.

((Also, honestly I picked up the em dash usage after I wrote The Truth Between Us with gukyi who used it. I’m pretty sure I’m not using it right but to hear that I am, god damn that’s a breath of relief right there))

backtobleuside submitted: Are you kidding me!? Your stories don’t lack love at all. They’re the kind of fics that you read, soak it all in and then come back for more. I’ve cried so much when I read Beyond reach, Boo-lieve in me, A piece of the moonlight, His name, Tell me lies etc. etc, and also laughed and felt the emotions of not just the OC, but also the other characters. Kitchen Romance was also so fluffy and sweet and personally, I don’t think that anything needs to be added to it. Anyway, your fics do not lack emotion—you’re probably the first author I send a message to because your stories impacted me a lot and left a strong impression on me. I even imagine your characters as real people who have real lives that continue on even after the story is done.

asdfghjkl thank you :’) I see you every week and sometimes several times at that. I really appreciate your consistent feedback and following. You never fail to send me a message too which I appreciate a lot. I’m glad you’re enjoying everything I’m producing!!

youngfleurever said: Would just like to say that your fics do in fact make me violently sob to the boy where my eyes are so swollen I have trouble opening them the next day and I wake up feeling like there’s sawdust in my mouth because I’m dehydrated.

oh my god. please keep yourself hydrated hahahahhaha more importantly, how do you know what sawdust in your mouth is like. WHAT have you been doing LOL

Anonymous said: I’ve felt emotions that I’ve never felt before when I read your fics.... so as a person that has read your entire masterlist, I DO NOT think that your fics lack emotion.... I hope you don’t feel disheartened because you’re one of my favourite writers, not just on tumblr but like, evER 💓💓💓💓💓💓

Please, even if I was disheartened, the overwhelming amount of feedback and praise has completely overridden it :’)

joonie-mono said: when tumblr deletes the first part of your ask 🙄😌✌️

LOOOOOOOL

haylo4ever said: Sorry had to add my 10 cents. You're such a talented writer,,, I WISH I could write a smol smol 1/1000000000 that you write,,, like I remember when I followed you bc I was in awe of your writing.... I mean?? Sure maybe not every fic hits it with someone but it's just ridic to name drop (a friend nonetheless) when you're all extremely talented writers.

Trust me, writing comes with practice!! I should honestly just tattoo that on me. God knows my first fanfic was absolutely GARBAGE. I didn’t know pacing, didn’t know that I should separate chunks of paragraphs, how to write dialogue or describe scenes properly. I went in blind. Even my second, third and fourth fanfic was garbage. You could definitely get to “my level” or even far surpass it with enough dedication and practice. I mean I’ve been writing for four years, so thank GOD there’s been improvement. I wouldn’t be natural if there wasn’t. But clearly the more you practice, the better you improve! That applies to anything.

The me in ten years will certainly be better now.

Anonymous said: Hi kina! I’m here in support of kitchen romance! I actually didn’t feel like it was missing a ton of fluffy moments (and I say that as a huGE LOVER OF FLUFF) but the story was just as entertaining in the whole chase of them getting closer to each other! It’s honestly one of my favorite one shots I’ve read lately and I’m not saying that lightly! Also, that anon that said your work lacks emotion has probably not read like half of your masterlist bc oO MAN QUEEN OF MAKING ME CRY- black heart anon🖤

Thank you :’]

Anonymous said: Ok I’m very offended wow the audacity!Specially coming for my baby kitchen romance like that story made me feel so much and it’s only one of the many fics you have written kina like I’m literally baffled like dynasty has made me cry scream happy and hot all at the same time and I was literally just thinking about it that whole weekend and this anon has the nerve to say your stories lack emotions?When you are literally the queen of show casing all types of emotions in your stories!You did it all

Anonymous said: Also 😭😭😭😂😂😩hoooooooow and whereeee did they see any lack of love and emotions like have you read jungle park???? Inside my mind??? FREAKING SUGAR AND COFFEE (like this fic is made with love and I- ) Actually you know what , just read the whole masterlist😩😩💗💗💗

LOL tbh I didn’t expect Dynasty to receive the love it has. I was actually kind of wary when posting it cause it’s kind of Wild. 

bangtans-peaceful-piegon said: just gotta say u handled that whole anon thing so well which not only makes me admire u as a writer but even more as a person :] (i mean i knew u were gr8 before the whole deal but yeah love ya 💛)

tbh, I’m not sure how well I handled it cause I was flooded with over 30 messages afterwards (evidently) ;_; which I love and appreciate but I’m not really as hurt as some people think hahaha criticism should be received well but it’s still hard not to take personally tbh. It’s gonna have to be something I work on or perhaps it’ll be one of those things that I’ll take better with age.

[vexedtonightmares]

last dance (elu ballet au) chapter huit

Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.

aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.  

i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii. viii.

ao3

**For those unaware, I will only ever post my works on my tumblr or on ao3 under the name bluesxrgent. If you see my work posted elsewhere, I did not post, or give my permission for it to be posted, and I would love it if you let me know. Bisous.**

tw: brief mentions of past child abuse in this chapter

Jeudi 14:37

“Fuck,” Lucas hissed under his breath for probably the twentieth time that day. Imane glared at him, which was justified. It was like he had two left feet all of a sudden, he couldn’t get any of the moves right. Madame Rigaux had been downright terrifying in their earlier classes, and he’d hoped he would be able to get it together by the time Swan Lake rehearsals started, but no dice. 

He couldn’t keep his mind off the dream he’d had that morning, memories of him and Eliott as children coming in and out of his mind in flashes. He’d slipped out of their suite while Eliott was in the bathroom that morning but hadn’t gone to the studio, knowing Eliott might look for him there. 

It was his fault, really, if Eliott thought they were back to being friends, but he hoped some good avoidance and ignoring on his part would do the trick and send them back to mutual hatred. 

The director eyed him from the front of the classroom and Lucas snapped to attention, trying to pretend his mind wasn’t running a mile a minute. Eliott, unfortunately, was completely back in his groove, dancing better than he had since he’d been out for a week. Manon was flawless as usual, and they complimented one another very well. Lucas reached out for Imane’s hand, preparing to restart the phrase they’d been working on. 

It went more successful than the last time, but they were still nowhere near their usual chemistry. He knew Imane would chew him out about it later, but at the moment as long as he was executing the steps properly he really didn’t care if the right energy and passion wasn’t there. 

They moved along into the sequence where Odile, disguised as Odette, fools the Prince, thus allowing Von Rothbart a victory. Manon and Imane had been practicing this sequence harder than the others because it was one of the most iconic moments of the ballet, as it was the part where Odile executed thirty-two consecutive fouettes. Eliott met Lucas’ eye as the girls prepared to run through their turns before doing them in line with the choreography, and Lucas flinched away from the glance. 

They were seventeen now, and Lucas had still never been the Prince or done the fouettes like they’d promised each other back when they were eight. When he looked back up at Eliott, Eliott was wearing a slight frown, brows furrowed in concern. He raised one of them at Lucas in a silent question, but Lucas ignored it, pretending to pay attention to Manon and Imane so he knew when to come in with his own choreography. 

They were seventeen now, and Lucas was still making all the same mistakes. He wanted to pretend it wasn’t his fault, but he’d always been the master of his own demise, believing in the good in people even after they’d shown that whatever they considered good was not to be trusted.

Needless to say, the rest of rehearsals flew by in one big blur. The one surprisingly decent part of the day was how Lucas had actually done quite well in their hip hop class that day. Maybe it was all his pent up rage, but he’d killed their combination that day, and it didn’t go unnoticed. Actually, their hip hop instructor asked to record him doing the combo after class, which was usually only ever requested of people like Manon, Imane, Sofiane, and, before she’d left the school, Alexia. 

Sweating, but smiling when he finished, he packed up his things and left the classroom, running right into Eliott who’d been waiting outside the door. Lucas shot him an alarmed and confused look, but Eliott just fell into step beside him. Lucas looked at him out of the corner of his eye, even more confused by the fact that Eliott was grinning peacefully. Hadn’t he noticed Lucas was avoiding him?

“What are you doing?” Lucas asked finally. Eliott looked surprised. 

“What do you mean?”

Lucas raised his eyebrows. “I mean, why did you wait for me?”

Eliott shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I? We’re going back to the same place and it only took a few minutes anyway.”

“Maybe I didn’t want you to,” Lucas grumbled, and Eliott’s smile finally faltered. “And maybe I wasn’t coming back to the room.”

“But it’s dinner time. Remember? We planned to make ratatouille?” Eliott teased. They had, in fact, planned to make ratatouille, because they’d watched the movie while they ate the night before, mouths watering at all the animated food even though they had no idea why. What was it about animated food that made it look so much better than real food?

“I can’t,” Lucas lied, “I promised Yann I’d go out to dinner with him.

“On a Thursday?”

“Yes.”

Eliott’s face fell further. “Oh. Um, ok then. You don’t want to shower before you go?”

Lucas wrinkled his nose. “Are you telling me I smell?”

“No, but you have a shower every day after practice before you do anything else so…”

Ok, fine, that was true. He really did need a shower. “I meant after my shower, obviously.”

“Ok, sorry.” Eliott’s voice was small and closed off. Part of Lucas was pleased that he was finally taking a hint, the other part frantic that he’d dimmed Eliott’s natural light. They walked the rest of the short distance to their room in silence. 

Once inside, Lucas beelined for the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it behind him before slumping against the side of the door. He knew that Yann had plans with his own parents that night, but that didn’t matter. Lucas could spend his time in one of the studios and pretend he’d been out with Yann for the night. If he was lucky he’d be able to come back after Eliott fell asleep. 

He was suddenly grateful he’d agreed to go to the party with the boys tomorrow night. At least then he had an excuse to avoid Eliott. Now he only had to worry about the rest of the year, which was wonderful. 

He turned the shower on, realizing he’d been in there for a while and he’d just been sitting on the floor. Even though the shower was on, he was still unmotivated to actually get in, so he laid his head against the bathtub and watched until the shower got so hot that steam formed on the mirror. 

There was a small part of his heart that couldn’t stop clenching painfully in his chest, and he didn’t know why. More accurately, he was pretty sure he did know why, and that made his heart clench even tighter. 

Vendredi 21:16  

Lucas was nowhere near as drunk as he wished he could be but, given the disastrous experience of the last party, he’d limited himself to one drink at the pregame, one drink when they got to the party. Most of his friends had no such reservations, and he frowned at the beer he’d been nursing for an hour in disappointment. 

The party was supposed to start around 22h, which meant that they would be showing up fashionably late, which meant he had to nurse this beer for the next hour and a half at least. Great. Lucas, Yann, Basile, Arthur, Manon, Daphné, Emma, Imane, and Alexia were at Emma’s house for the pregame because her parents were never around and it was pretty close to both the school and where the party would be held. 

At least Eliott and Sofiane hadn’t joined them, choosing to hang out with Idriss and one of their other friends, Alex. Lucas wasn’t even sure if they’d be going to the party and hoped to god they wouldn’t. He wouldn’t have minded seeing Idriss and Alex, but he could survive a night without them if it meant a night without Eliott too. 

Arthur laid his head in Lucas’ lap, looking up at Lucas in concern. “You look upset.”

“I’m not upset,” Lucas said. He wasn’t, really, at least no more than usual. 

“Bullshit,” Arthur sang to himself, then giggled. Arthur usually didn’t get drunk very fast, so he must have had a lot to drink already. “You’re always upset.”

“That’s not true,” Lucas argued, but it sounded strained. They both knew it was true, but Lucas hadn’t realized Arthur picked up on it. 

Arthur blinked slowly, like it required quite the effort. “It is. I don’t know why, though…” he trailed off and Lucas thought for a second he might have fallen asleep. Then, out of nowhere, his eyes snapped open and he spoke again. “You’re too hard on yourself. If only you could see what all of us see, for real. I know I don’t tell you enough, but you’re amazing, dude. Not just at ballet, but at everything you do. It makes me sad that you can’t see it.”

Lucas felt a little bit flustered. He knew Arthur was only being so honest because he was drunk, but people always said drunk words are sober thoughts, so there must have been some validity in what he was saying. Something occurred to Lucas and his eyes went wide. “Wait. you’re not… you don’t… like me, do you?”

“Of course I like you.” Arthur tapped the tip of Lucas’ nose lazily, letting his hand flop back down like a dead weight. “But I’m not in love with you if that’s what you’re asking. I wish I was, you’d probably be a great boyfriend,” he giggled. 

Even though the last part had been a drunken ramble of a joke, Lucas smiled to himself. It warmed his heart, even a small amount, to think that Arthur thought that about him. “For what it’s worth I think you’d probably be a great boyfriend too,” Lucas responded, tapping Arthur’s nose in return. 

Arthur laughed louder this time. “Yeah? I think you’re probably the first to have that delusion. But thanks.”

Maybe Lucas wasn’t the only one who had a harder time than he let on. Lucas began brushing Arthur’s hair casually with his fingers, trying to express his love and appreciation for his friend without going over the top. He wasn’t sure if Arthur understood, but Lucas would try harder to show Arthur all the ways he loved him going forward. Sometimes he wished platonic relationships were a thing. They were, he supposed, to a point, but no one ever got married platonically, or had a platonic boyfriend. Well, maybe they did, but not enough in Lucas’ opinion. 

Platonic intimacy was so deeply undervalued, he thought, though maybe it was just because he’d pushed people away so much that he had a deep craving for someone to lay with him until he fell asleep with no feelings attached other than those of a familial sort of love. Sitting there, brushing through Arthur’s hair with his friend’s head in his lap, neither of them wanting anything more from the other was exactly what Lucas needed. 

He wanted to be able to do things like this all the time without it meaning anything other than the fact that they loved each other, but not like that. Maybe he was just so touch starved that he’d take whatever he could get.

“What do you say we make one of those pacts, like in the movies?” Arthur asked, leaning into Lucas hand. 

“What pacts?”

Arthur thought for a moment, and Lucas could almost see him lose his train of thought about five times. “Like ‘oh if we’re both single by the time we’re thirty, we’ll get married’. Although, you’ve probably already promised yourself to Yann, haven’t you?”

Lucas laughed. “Do you really think Yann will be single at thirty? He’ll be married by the time he’s twenty-one, mark my words.”

“Fair point. Want to make a deal, then?” Arthur held up his hand, the action looking like it took grave effort. 

Lucas moved his hand from Arthur’s hair and shook it. “I still expect you to get down on one knee, just saying.”

“Right now?”

“No, not right now dumbass. If we’re single at thirty. I also expect roses and a ring so big it puts Kim Kardashian to shame.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes, then shrugged. “Sounds doable. I also promise mind-blowing platonic sex, if you want it. Deal?”

“Deal,” Lucas responded with a laugh, shaking Arthur’s hand once. 

“What are you two doing over there? Come join the rest of us!” Alexia yelled from where everyone else was chatting a few feet away. Arthur sat up more quickly that Lucas would have thought possible, stumbling over his feet as he rejoined the group. He shot a wink Lucas’ way and Lucas couldn’t help but smile in return, wondering if Arthur would remember any of this come morning. 

“You ok?” Yann asked as Lucas approached him. “You haven’t even finished your drink.”

Lucas nodded, surprised that Yann had noticed. “I’m trying to stay relatively sober tonight. Last time I drank way too much and I still feel sick when I think about it.”

Yann nodded gravely. “Yeah, we’ve all been there.”

Lucas smiled and settled into the circle beside him. He loved how, most times, Yann understood him without question. If he’d stayed friends with Eliott all these years, he and Yann would never have formed the relationship they had now, so he supposed he had Eliott to thank for that at least.

Manon was a bit quiet and she kept averting her eyes every time he tried to meet her gaze. They hadn’t spoken much in a while, at least not about anything other than ballet, and Lucas missed her. He wondered if she was dealing with as much turmoil in her life as he was, and wondered if Charles had anything to do with it. 

For the most part, though, the nine of them laughed and joked together, some much drunker than others, but Lucas found himself actually having fun. This was what he liked, not the huge parties where all people wanted to do was get drunk and hook up. He thought maybe in another life or a parallel universe he could have been one of those people, but definitely not in this one. In this one, he just wanted to go to bed. 

Nevertheless, he participated more than he normally would have, trying to take his mind off all the things he would have been overthinking had he been shut up in his room. It worked, for the most part, and by the time they all got ready to leave for the actual party, he didn’t even have to fake his smile.   

Vendredi 22:52

The party was in full swing. Lucas and all of his friends had arrived about half past 22h, and there was already at least fifty people there. Lucas was immediately overwhelmed but pretended not to be, grabbing another beer and planning to retreat somewhere quiet for a while. Yann, unfortunately, had been anticipating this, so he dragged Lucas into the kitchen with Basile and Arthur, forcing him to participate. 

Thankfully, the kitchen wasn’t as full as the rest of the house, so Lucas was able to breathe more freely and feel less claustrophobic. “Hooking up with anyone tonight Baz?” Arthur asked, and Lucas had to fight not to roll his eyes. It would only be a matter of time until they asked him.

Basile cast a glance around the room and Lucas could tell he was looking for someone in particular. “Fingers crossed, boys,” he said. 

Arthur gestured for him to continue. “Who?” he prompted gently. 

Basile turned to look at them in exasperation. “Daphné! Duh!”

“Since when are you into Daphy?” Lucas asked, forgetting that he’d been trying to keep himself out of the conversation.

“Since forever? Besides, there were totally some vibes between us earlier, didn’t you feel them?” Basile asked excitedly. 

Arthur nodded. “Oh, totally. You’ve got this!” he encouraged, but when he met Lucas’ eyes behind Basile’s back he widened his eyes with a look that said He does not, in fact, have this. Lucas snorted into his beer, accidentally bringing the attention back onto himself. 

“What about you, then? Anyone in the crowd catch your eye?” Basile asked, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Arthur cut in, “Oh, come on Baz, Lulu doesn’t do romance, despite what that hoodie of his might say.”

Lucas flipped him off, taking a sip of his drink. “That’s not true.”

Yann leveled Lucas with a knowing stare. Ok, fine, maybe it was a little bit true, but not everyone had to be on the lookout for a hookup or a relationship at all times, right? There was more to life. Sure, if he found someone he really liked, maybe he’d go for it, but there had never been anyone like that and he didn’t anticipate there being anyone like that anytime in the near future. 

He rolled his eyes at his friends again. “Whatever,” he grumbled, saved from saying anything more by the appearance of Alexia.

“Hey! We’re playing fuck, marry, kill in the other room, come join!” she yelled over the pounding music. Did Lucas want to go play a game? No, but it got him out of this conversation, so he took off after Alexia, not waiting to see if his friends would join. 

It turned out that they did follow, and they sat down beside him in a big circular group. There was some faces Lucas didn’t know, but otherwise it was just the boys and the girls from the ballet school plus Basile and Alexia. 

“Yo, wait for us!” someone shouted, stumbling into the circle. The body belonging to the voice nearly tripped over Lucas’ shoulder and Lucas looked up to find Alex smiling apologetically. “Sorry, dude— oh, wait, Lucas! Long time no see bro, how are you?”

Alex had, against Lucas’ better judgement, been the first guy Lucas had ever kissed. It wasn’t a bad memory or anything, but Lucas still got a bit red in the face whenever he saw Alex. They were still friendly and everything, so if anyone was making it weird, it wasn’t Alex.

“I’m good,” he answered after a second too long, “You?”

“Fucking fantastic. Uni is so much better than lycée. Though I guess I don’t know how it compares to ballet school,” he laughed, then turned, attention called elsewhere. “We’ll catch up later, yeah?”

Before Lucas could even nod Alex was swept away to the opposite side of the circle with his friends who, Lucas remembered with a jolt, included Idriss, Sofiane, and Eliott. Lucas hadn’t seen Eliott yet, so he assumed he hadn’t come. Eliott didn’t look to be enjoying himself either, he looked a bit like he was trying to fold himself into a tiny little box. Their eyes met and Eliott smiled hesitantly, and Lucas averted his gaze immediately, mood souring. He was so caught up in not looking at Eliott that a few rounds of the game passed without him realizing it. 

“Lucas!” 

His head snapped up. Emma was looking at him mischievously. “It’s your turn. If you don’t answer you have to drink.”

“Um, ok.” He waited, hoping someone would jump in to save him before he had to answer. They didn’t. 

“Fuck, marry, kill,” Emma started, “Yann, Basile, and Arthur.”

Oh, that one was easy. “Fuck Yann, marry Arthur, kill Basile.”

Basile looked at him in alarm. “You had that answer ready too quickly.”

Lucas just shrugged, fist bumping Yann and Arthur as they grinned at him. Shit, it was his turn to ask then, wasn’t it? He decided to go for Alex, knowing that whatever combination of people he chose, Alex would consider his answer very seriously. “Alex.” Alex looked up at him with a wide grin. “Fuck, marry, kill… Emma, Daphné, and Camille.” 

Alex wrinkled his nose at the last name. Camille had been one of Alex’s girlfriends long ago, but was the only one whose name Lucas could remember. Alex had his answer ready quickly. “Fuck Daphné, marry Emma, kill Camille, god I haven’t thought about her in a while.”

Emma looked pleasantly surprised and Lucas narrowed his eyes between the two of them, wondering if there was something there that he’d accidentally picked up on. Alex took a swig of his own drink before turning to his target. “Eliott Demaury.”

Eliott folded in on himself even more, if possible. “Fuck, marry, kill Idriss, Sofiane, and… Lucas.” 

Eliott choked, even though he didn’t have a drink in his hand. Lucas rolled his eyes. This one should be easy. “Sofiane, can you pass me a drink?” Eliott asked a bit quietly. Sofiane furrowed his brows but did as he was asked. Eliott met Lucas’ equally confused stare for a split second before he downed the drink and sat back, gaze cast downward. Why had he refused to answer? 

Clearly picking up on whatever strange tension had begun to build, Daphné chimed in, “Oh, I know! Why don’t we play truth or dare?”

Everyone cheered at the suggestion, and Lucas wondered if it was possible to call aliens down to abduct him so he didn’t have to participate. Alexia explained that the rules would be the same, if there was something someone didn’t want to do or answer they could opt to drink instead, simple enough. She went first, daring Emma and Alex to spend seven minutes in heaven. They didn’t come back for twenty. 

After that the game went by quicker, each truth and dare blurring together a bit. At one point Lucas was dared to kiss Yann, which he drank instead. Some friendships weren’t meant to be ruined by a stupid game of truth or dare. At another Basile and Daphné made out, Basile looking a bit more eager than Daphné. Eliott somehow ended up without a shirt on and Lucas noticed that he had a small tattoo on his chest above his heart but he couldn’t read what it said from across the room. Sofiane asked Imane if she’d ever cheated on her online schoolwork and, since she didn’t drink, she’d squeaked out a small yes, which put everyone in hysterics. 

“Eliott, truth or dare?” Imane asked, still glaring at Sofiane. 

“Truth.”

“Do you have a crush on anyone in this room?” she asked, and he suddenly glared at her. She raised her eyebrows innocently, daring him to answer. 

“Yes,” he said at last, giving no further explanation. A couple more rounds passed and every time it landed on Eliott they tried to get him to divulge more information. 

“Do they know?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Boy.”

“Does he like you back?”

“No.”

“How do you know he doesn’t like you back?”

“Educated guess.”

“Who is it?”

Eliott had drank to that one, and Lucas was struck wondering who it could be. It must have been the same person Eliott told him about the other night, right? If he had to guess, his bet was on Idriss, because as far as he knew, Idriss was straight, hence why he wouldn’t like Eliott back in the same way. There were a couple more questions but it never got back to Eliott, so Lucas never learned more. 

Soon it was Daphné’s turn to ask, and she focused on Lucas. “Truth or dare?” Her words were a bit slurred and Lucas wondered how much she’d had to drink. Manon was watching her carefully, so at least there was someone who would take care of her if need be. 

“Truth.” He’d been forced to give Alexia a lap dance less than ten minutes ago, so dare was a bit too much for him at the moment. 

“Why do you hate Eliott?” she asked, and Lucas almost dropped his drink in surprise. That hadn’t been what he’d expected anyone to ask, much less Daphné. He stalled, pretending to take a sip of his beer. It wasn’t like he could tell the truth, not in front of that many people.

He realized everyone was silent, waiting. He could tell part of the truth, the superficial things, at least. “Why do I hate Eliott? Why don’t I hate Eliott? First of all, he acts so much better than everyone just because he got special private lessons from the director when we were ten years old. Manon did too, but you don’t see her acting all superior all the time. Secondly, he shows up late to every single practice. Well, not late, per se, but just on time, which is late in ballet terms, but he still gets the front spot at the barre. He’s also shit at math, which I guess a lot of people are, but he’s like really bad at it. He’s got his head so far up his own ass that he doesn’t realize when his friends are suffering or that when he skips class for a week it affects people other than himself, or maybe he just doesn’t care because the director still treats him like he shits pure gold. Well guess what? He doesn’t shit pure gold. There's a line between self confidence and narcissism, and he thinks he hasn’t crossed it, which only goes to show how much he has—” 

Lucas cut off abruptly, realizing he’d been going on a tangent longer than he’d meant to. It felt so fucking good to say all those things, but deep inside he felt horrible, because he knew that a lot of it wasn’t true. His issues with Eliott were deeper than all the crap he’d just said. He dared to meet Eliott’s eyes over the crowd of dumbfounded people, surprised by the hurt he saw. Before anyone could say a word, Eliott was up, throwing his shirt back over his head and storming out of the circle. Lucas could have sworn he heard the door slam as Eliott left the house. 

Fuck, he hadn’t meant to— he really hadn’t meant most of the things he’d said, he really hadn’t. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Without realizing what he was doing, Lucas stood up from the circle as well, running out after Eliott. He hoped everyone else would think he went to throw up or something so they wouldn’t follow. He fired off a quick text to the gang just in case. 

GROUP CREATED: Lucas Lallemant, Yann Cazas, Arthur Broussard, Basile Savory

Lucas: Not feeling well, I had to go to the bathroom. I’ll text if I feel better but if you don’t hear from me assume I went back to school -_-    

Yann: No prob bro, feel better

Arthur: :( sorry man

Basile: Not feeling as bad as Eliott I bet lmaooooo    

Arthur: Dude

Arthur Broussard removed Basile Savory from the group    

Lucas pocketed his phone, feeling better now that he knew they wouldn’t be waiting for him. Though, he supposed he’d need somewhere to stay for the night to avoid Eliott killing him. 

He thought he lost Eliott until he saw a familiar head of untameable hair storming away across the street, bounce in his step still there even when he was clearly upset.        

“Eliott!”

Eliott turned around and saw Lucas, weariness and fury mingling in his eyes, even from this distance. Of all the times Lucas had told himself that Eliott hated him, this was the only time he thought it might be true. His face was illuminated by the light of the fountain he was standing in front of making the gray in his eyes stand out more and more the closer Lucas got. 

“What?” Eliott asked, crossing his arms, but not making any moves to back away. “Don’t you think you’ve insulted me enough for one night?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to insult you,” Lucas said, even though it was a lie. Eliott knew it too, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. Lucas backtracked, “Ok, I did mean to at the time, but I came to apologize.”

“Right.” Eliott still didn’t believe him, clearly. 

Lucas didn’t know what else to say, felt like the words were on the tip of his tongue but they wouldn’t form fully. Unfortunately, when he didn’t know what to say, he got defensive. “You know what? I’m not sorry, then. You’ve made my life hell for years, this was barely a taste of what I’ve lived with.”

Eliott breathed out an incredulous gasp and shook his head. “I’ve made your life hell? Are you serious? You’re the one who’s been rude to me every chance you’ve gotten since we were like, twelve.”

“I wouldn’t have been if you hadn’t ditched me the moment it became clear I wasn’t quite up to your standards. You made the choice to abandon me, Eliott, not the other way around,” Lucas argued. 

“Are you kidding me? I was ten! What was I supposed to say when the director of the school told me to take private lessons with him? I never wanted to stop hanging out with you, but you got all jealous and I didn’t know how to make it better! What could I have done?” Eliott shot back.

Lucas laughed mirthlessly, spreading his arms wide. “I don’t know… maybe tried, even a little bit? If you knew me at all, you would have known that I was never jealous of you, I just wanted you to see that I wasn’t ok. After all, you and I both know that I never would have just ditched you for no reason at all. The school could have been burning down and I still would have waited to make sure you got out before me.”

“I was ten!”

“That didn’t make it hurt any less. And lest you forget, I tried to stay friends with you, even when I knew things would never be the same, but you just weren’t that interested in me anymore. I never really saw anyone interest you other than Lucille.” Her name felt filthy on his tongue. Lucas had never really understood why he’d hated Lucille so much, other than the fact that she’d seemed to replace him in Eliott’s life. Sofiane had too, in a way, but Lucas didn’t harbor any hard feelings his way. 

“You know what? Fuck you, Lucas. Lucille was there for me. She knew what it was like to be isolated from the rest of the group because she’d been put up on a pedestal she’d never asked to be put on,” Eliott spat. 

Oh that was fucking rich. Lucas laughed even harder and even more humorlessly. “Oh, well, excuse me for not being as talented as you. Sorry I wasn’t at a high enough level for you to deign to talk to me. I was too busy being beaten by my father to be much good in the studio, I’m afraid.”

Eliott paused. “What the fuck, Lucas? What are you talking about?”

“Like you didn’t know? Every time we hung out during the summer you didn’t wonder why I never wanted to go home, why I flinched away whenever you or your mom or your dad tried to touch me? All those bruises I pretended didn’t exist?”

“You said you were clumsy—”

“And you believed it, Eliott!” Lucas was slightly out of breath and his voice was shaking. “You shouldn’t have believed it! You knew me better than even my parents did, and you didn’t even notice. Yann noticed, but I didn’t want to talk to him about it. I wanted to talk to you.”

Eliott looked pained when he responded, “I don’t— I was ten, I was wrapped up in ballet, and I didn’t notice a lot of things, Lucas. You can’t blame me for not guessing that you were… that things were happening to you that I didn’t know about.”

“I was wrapped up in ballet too, but I still noticed every little thing about you.”

“What do you want me to say? That you were a better friend? Sure, fine, you were soooo great, is that what you want to hear?” Eliott yelled. 

“I want you to apologize!” It was all Lucas wanted, was some acknowledgement that Eliott at least understood why Lucas had distanced himself, why he couldn’t bear to be around him after a certain point. Eliott didn’t respond and Lucas clenched his fists at his sides. Was it really so hard to just say sorry, even if he didn’t fully mean it? “Too good for that?” Lucas spat, “Tell me, what’s the weather like all the way up there on your high horse?”

Eliott took a deep frustrated breath, wiggling his fingers like he either wanted to punch Lucas or a wall. Lucas was hoping for the latter, but the former was more likely. Eliott became calm all of a sudden, looking Lucas dead in the eye. “It’s actually really nice up here. Too bad you’ll never know.”

Then it was all just too much. All of Lucas’ insecurities about not being good enough bubbled to the surface on top of Eliott’s refusal to acknowledge that he’d, even unknowingly, made mistakes, and Lucas didn’t have a moment to think before he shoved Eliott, pushing him into the water of the fountain. Once his blind rage cleared he blinked with regret. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that,” he stammered, leaning to the edge of the fountain and peering at Eliott, soaked head to toe and sitting stunned on his ass in the water. Lucas held out his hand to pull Eliott out, not realizing how trivial a mistake he’d just made. 

As he should have foreseen, Eliott grasped his hand and pulled, causing Lucas to tumble into the water as well. “Fuck!” he exclaimed, when he resurfaced, wiping water from his eyes, stumbling his way to a standing position.

When his vision cleared he noticed Eliott standing across from him, sheepish look in his eyes. “I’m sorry, that was a petty thing to say and a petty thing to do,” Eliott apologized. 

Lucas didn’t know what to say. Of all the things he’d expected from Eliott in that moment, an apology was not one of them. It wasn’t the apology he’d wanted, but it showed Eliott was capable of uttering the words. Eliott shocked him further, continuing, “I’m sorry too, about how our friendship ended. If I would have known… I’d like to say I would have done things differently, been a better friend. I’m sorry for not knowing, too, it’s not your fault for not telling me. I highly doubt I would have either.”

Lucas stared at Eliott, wondering if he was going mad, imagining the whole thing. “I’m sorry too,” Lucas said, shocking himself even further, “For everything, not just tonight. All the ignoring you and the rude comments and everything… I’m sorry. I know you didn’t mean to be as dismissive as I thought you were.” 

“Why?” Eliott asked, taking a step towards him. “You really don’t have a reason to apologize. I’ve been a shitty friend.”

Lucas shrugged, regretting what he was about to say before he said it, but yearning to say it even more. “Because against my better judgement I don’t think you’re so shitty anymore. And I don’t want you to think I am either.”

The water was still splashing them from where it came up in arcs from the center of the fountain, matting their hair down to their heads. Eliott somehow looked beautiful like this, Lucas realized, and with that realization came another. Eliott looked beautiful all the time, and it wasn’t just his obvious external beauty. He was beautiful down to his core, and that was part of what had angered Lucas for all these years, but now Lucas wanted Eliott to know he thought so. He also wanted Eliott to know that he thought his true beauty came from within him, no matter what mistakes he made when he was ten years old.  

The lines between hate and love were really blurry, Lucas realized, really fucking blurry.

He held his hands up in front of his chest, cringing internally, thinking to himself what the hell are you doing? Eliott’s eyes went wide in surprise, then narrowed. “What are you doing?” he asked, voice eerily calm. 

“In your ballet, didn’t you say that the partners come together like this when they finally meet? Once they face their fears and come together for the first time?” Lucas’ voice was no more than a hushed gasp, shallow breaths taken between the loud beats of his heart. Eliott’s fingers fluttered and Lucas almost retracted his hands, thinking himself a fool for doing what he was doing, for thinking Eliott might understand what he was trying to say with the gesture. 

Lucas screwed his eyes shut in embarrassment, seconds away from dipping back under the water and hoping Eliott would forget the whole thing had ever happened, but then he felt a brush of fingers winding and clasping into his own. He folded his hands along with Eliott’s and slowly opened his eyes, seeing the same nervous look he was certain he wore reflected on Eliott’s face. Eliott’s thumb brushed the back of his hand absently, and Lucas was lost. 

Their bodies came together in one fluid motion, Lucas didn’t even know who moved first, but suddenly Eliott’s hands were cupping his face and their lips were pressed together. Lucas ran his hands through the hair he couldn’t stop thinking about, realizing he’d been longing to do so for quite some time. Everything he’d ever wanted to do with Eliott came to him in an instant, as if there was a list he’d compiled somewhere in his head and subsequently ignored until Eliott’s kiss unlocked it. 

Eliott’s tongue swept his lower lip, and Lucas opened his mouth further, inviting as much of Eliott in as he could. He raised up on relevé to reach Eliott better, loving the way Eliott smiled against his mouth as he did so. 

The fountain was still spraying them, and they were still standing up to their knees in the water, but it somehow felt as natural as anything. Eliott pulled back a moment, breathing heavily and looking right into Lucas’ eyes. Kiss me again, Lucas tried to tell him with his eyes, Kiss me until I forget my own name. 

Eliott laughed softly and brushed Lucas’ cheekbone, tracing the lines of water down his face, his neck, his chest. Lucas couldn’t do anything but stare back, completely blinded by what they had just done, how it had made him feel. Another realization struck him, the realization that this had been the kiss he had been waiting for all along. Maybe he hadn’t hated romance after all, he’d just hated himself for wanting something he’d never thought he’d be able to have.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long, fuck,” Eliott whispered against his mouth, and Lucas pulled away a bit to look up at him. 

“Your favorite color is my eyes,” he said dumbly, and Eliott surged forward to kiss him again. Lucas knew they should probably get out of the fountain, but he also wanted to stay there forever, lest the spell be broken. “My favorite color is the color of your eyes too,” he admitted between kisses, needing to even the embarrassment factor between the two of them. 

Eliott laughed gently. “Is that so?”

“Mmhmm.”

“What do you say we go dry off and continue elsewhere?” Eliott suggested and Lucas shook his head adamantly. 

“I don’t want to go back to the real world.”

“Why not?”

“Because in the real world you won’t like me, and I’ll be forced to hate you again.” 

Eliott pressed their foreheads together, cupping Lucas’ cheeks with his hands. “I’ll make you a promise, then.” Lucas nodded softly, asking for him to continue. “I promise that, no matter where we are, you’re it for me. It’ll always be you, the one that I love.”

Love, love, love.

Was it too soon for love, or had they been waiting too long? “Even in the real world?”

“Especially in the real world.”

Lucas considered this. “Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

Eliott separated the two of them further, leading Lucas by the hand out of the fountain. When they started walking back to the school, neither one of them released their grip on the hand of the other. “Just so you know,” Lucas said as they walked, “You’re it for me too.”

He’d known it for a while, but he hadn’t wanted to know, covering it up in grudges based in miscommunication and ten year old bullshit. Eliott smiled down at him and pulled him closer as they continued their path, kissing the top of his head. Love, love, love.

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[lightsintheskye]

Are you ok?? You haven’t posted in almost a month and I’m just making sure. I love you and your art a lot and miss seeing your comics and personal posts on my dash. I hope everything’s ok and thanks for keeping anon on and always being an inspiration to me, even if I can’t muster it up to say it in person.

Anon this is very, very kind of you to say. I really appreciate this, and I hope you don’t mind me being honest as I can with an explanation since I’m trying really hard to get back into running this blog- I don’t plan to abandon this blog any time soon if that’s what worries you.

I’m fact, I have not only one- but six comic ideas waiting for zelda and the link and the links au alone, since I have a vested amount of people still sending me Asks on the daily about it- maybe even creating a zine specifically dedicated to the au. I also have some comics for Devil May Cry, MHA, and, Smash Ultimate, and Voltron sitting in my drafts just waiting to be inked and properly drawn out but my issue right now is TIME and motivation.

I know this response will probably be a little bit long, so I don’t blame anyone for ignoring it- or if people unfollow me because it’s not hur hur funnee picture. Follower count has never really mattered to me nor will it ever. I’m just here to express my passion for video games and the series that I love.

I’ll be real with you and everyone- I try to keep an upbeat and hyped as shit attitude 90% of the time because god knows this world needs positivity more than ever now. It’s almost a fake it to make it attitude, but I am truly excited for all the video games and shows I devote fan art and comics to.

Recently life has just been very, very hard for me. This month alone my car broke, my router and modem broke, my computer almost broke-our house was cramped, one of our cats had worms- and my vacation to finally see my family was cancelled. Ive shelled out all my savings, and it’s cost me over a grand to fix it all and that’s not even counting my monthly bills. If it weren’t for the absolute kindness of my commissioners, especially @pocketseizure and @lettersfromfallenlondon who are literally angels among angels, I don’t even know what I would do this month.

On top of that, my work load has gone from something like 30hrs between school prep, work, and commissions to about 70-90 and it’s very very hard to make time for comics.

And because life just wants to needle in the point that times are hard, every August without fail my depression skyrockets regardless of what meds I take. I don’t talk much about my major depression that I have, nor my anxiety because I don’t like adding onto others stress- it’s already a lot for me to talk about it as I am now. I pride myself for being able to deal with my own drops in stability quite well but there’s times I’m so thankful to @mxrainbownoodle for being there to hear my pain and, and I give them the same respect back. Unfortunately, beyond them it’s incredibly hard for me to be more open and personal about my life because I’ve been used and abused by a staggering number of people around me- especially as an emotional dumping ground. It’s a very major reason why I don’t open up to anyone, because I NEVER want to have someone go through the experiences of emotional abuse and forced negativity I have. With Shani it’s an equal exchange of give and take and support, but I can’t seem to bring myself to be open with others the same way without feeling as if I’m dumping on them- or they are dumping on me. Many, many people don’t realize how just dumping their emotions out of the blue on someone can in turn hurt their friends- I understand it’s a cry for help, and that at times there’s seemingly nothing you can do to help yourself, but not apologizing after the fact- or being a repeat offender of it, or even offhandedly mentioning incredibly triggering things to someone because you feel it’s justified to joke or meme about something you experienced can really, really fuck up the person your talking to. Especially if you haven’t warned them or asked them if it’s ok. This isn’t a personal jab to anyone around me, this isn’t singling out anyone either- but if for some reason you feel these words strike a cord with you, why not reach out to the person you’re worried might feel this way about you- and tell them how much you appreciate having them as a friend and offering to help them in any way you can handle- do not offer everything when you can’t, but giving that little bit of love goes a long way and it never hurts to remind your friends and loved ones they matter.

Aside from that, my work load is honestly making having a social life in any capacity impossible, and my internet being out for almost a week hasn’t helped either. I’ve been so busy I haven’t even been able to reply to emails, anons, tumblr messages or anything for weeks aside from short answers. My discord has messages piled up to an alarming degree, and my phone is a string of unanswered texts that I’m still trying to get through but it’s tough since AGAIN a lot of these messages are people either complaining or asking something of me. For my own personal health I can’t look at a lot of them- I literally eat, work, commission work, and sleep with little to show for it and barely any energy left to even relax. I know eventually things will go back to letting me have fun and my meds will work again but idk when that will be;;

TDLR; I love you too anon I’m just trapped with a front row seat on the struggle bus, and the driver keeps missing my stop. But if it doesn’t stop in the next few weeks I’m probably gonna just crash through one of the windows and do a really shitty barrel roll, dust myself off and find the stop on my own.

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hopefully tumblr doesnt eat this p.1 again! Its been so long since Ive dropped by and said hello to one of my favorite people so hello Coon! I feel like Ive been so busy I dont have time to drop bye and say hello these days How are you? Are you doing well? I hope you are bc you deserve so much happiness. I also wanted to do a status update on the fact that Im now writing again! I took a longer break than I thought I would but hey Im now more motivated than ever so I guess it all worked out ^^

I AM 

A HORRIBLE, ULTIMATELY TERRIBLE RACCOON.

JAZ.

IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU LAST DROPPED THIS IN MY INBOX AND I’M JUST REPLYING NOW.

AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? IT’S NOT EVEN THAT I DIDN’T HAVE TIME.

I JUST. I PUT THIS IN MY DRAFTS SO THAT THE SECOND ASK, THE BIT IN THE IMAGE, WOULD BE SAFE EVEN IF DELETED FROM THE COMPUTER (LIKE IT HAPPENED TO MY OTHER ASKS)

AND SINCE THEN I DIDN’T BOTHER GOING TO MY DRAFTS.

AND I FORGOT THIS WAS HERE.

JAZ.

JAZ OMG

JAZ PLEASE HIT ME WITH A NEWSPAPER I’M A HORRIBLE CREATURE HOW IN THE W O R L D COULD I FORGET TO REPLY TO YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

*PUNCHES THROUGH THE WALL*

*SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK*

*EXPLODES*

ALKSJDALKFJGADLKGJAGLKAGJAD

Okay you let me add a keep reading right here aaah ;A;

Oh my god, Jaz….Jaz I’m so sorry, I don’t even know where to start apologizing, I’m so sorry. I honestly forgot and that’s the worst part. If I had been busy for real I would have had an excuse at least, but the truth was just that; I put this in my drafts and then forgot it was there. I rarely check my drafts because that’s where I put stuff that I want to reblog at some point but don’t know when because it’s not FFXV related so I just wait until I’m done with the XV reblogs but I never am, and I just assumed everything in drafts was stuff to reblog, I totally forgot there was an ask here that I hadn’t replied to and that it was yours, I’m so sorry, so, so, so sorry, Jaz… :(

I don’t offer an excuse and if you’re upset you have all the rights to be, I understand. Jesus, it’s been a while since Ir eplied this and I mean, there are asks in my inbox that are like a year old but those are prompts or requests and it’s fine, but yours was a personal and it’s been so long for me to answer to it aklsdjalkgjadklgja omg Jaz I’m so sorry….

I’m sorry, Jaz, very sincerely. Zomg…I’m sorry OTL

Well. Still answering ahah ;w;

HEWWO JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akjdlsafdgalkfjaklhj hhhnnnngnggg. HEWWO JAZ!!! ;w; I’m sorry OTL

Don’t worry about being busy. Real life is already super busy as it is and then we get here and it can get sort of ‘busy’ in its own non-serious way too! I hope that whatever’s been keeping you /kept you busy has given you a break from time to time and that it’s something you enjoy.

I’m doing well! A little ‘busy’ in the non-serious way trying to nail down all my PMs and asks (I’ve lately had a quite excited anon flooding me ahahahah! It’s lovely but keeps me super busy because each I answer gets drowned by another incoming 5 ;w;) and the reblogs and the fics. I’m having funa nd take my breaks to make it enjoyable and not turn it into something I dislike, but hence it goes slower. And out of Tumblr I’m doing okay too! 

How have you been, dear Jaz? Besides WAITING FOR MY ASK OTLHave  yuo been alright? And happy? I wonder what else you’ve been up to since you last wrote to me!! Hoping sincerely that it’s been okay with you too because you too deserve SO MUCH HAPPINES LIKE LOADS OF IT!!!!!!! You’re such a nice and good person that does no harm to others, you deserve all em happy things and events. U HAVE ALL IT GOOD KARMA, MY FRIEND!!!

GASPS

YOU’VE BEEN WRITING AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAZ, THAT’S PHENOMENAL! THAT’S ABOSLUTELY WONDERFUL, AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, JAZ, I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU AND ABOUT IT, I’M SO HAPPY AND SO PROUD TO KNOW THAT YOU’VE TAKEN UP ON SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE WRITING, AND MORE THAN TAKING UP, RETAKING BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU USED TO ENJOY IT, LEFT IT FOR SOME REASON, AND YOU RETOOK IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM*

*EXPLODES*

Jaz, that’s WONDERFUL NEWS!!!! Omg buddy that’s fantastic, you have no idea how happy it makes me when someone says they’ve taken up/retaking a form of art. It’s so beautiful and so exciting, and you’re a friend so that adds a lot to the hype!! Jaz, that’s AMAZING! CONGRATS, BUDDY, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! ( ˙꒳​˙ )

It’s okay that you took a longer break than you had first expected. Be it because you were busy or just lacking the motivation, it’s okay! What matters is that you went back to it and you must have felt so refreshed and welcomed back. The warmest welcoming is the one given after a long wait (but thankfully it wasn’t THAT long either!!). Plus, you took all the time that you needed to get back to it so it means you’re not forcing a single bit of it and that’s PHENOMENAL!!

I’m so happy to know that you’re motivated now, Jaz, all of this is honestly SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY :’3 AKLSJDLAKDGJADLKGJAGLKAJGA AAAAAAAHHHHHH, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

I guess the first time you sent the first part you were telling me what you were writing, so I don’t know for sure what you meant with hoping that one day I can read ‘it’, but I’d love to! I’m very slow at reading things because of the massive updates I do to my fics, but I think that I’d love to. Is it XV related? Original content? I’d get lost if it’s from something that I don’t know, but I can still try if you want me to

Aaah, thank you for asking about the laptop! Lamentably I’m nowhere close to getting a new one. They’re pretty expensive. I’m fine with one of the cheapest because all I want is basic internet access and MS Word lmao, but they’re still quite a price number and I have no job >

I thought about using the money that I’ve saved up from my kofis, but…to be honest, I’m being consciously selfish there, because I don’t want to waste my kofi money in ¼ of the price of the laptop… ;n; I want the kofi money to be mine for games or books, it’s money I’ve earned from doing what I love and I wanted it to go to selfish things, but I’m still debating with myself as to maybe having to put it for the laptop ahaha ;w;

Again, don’t feel bad for being busy!! Real life stuff is more important, and Tumblr isn’t going anywhere (not without a long time warning that we’ve never had, thankfully!), so don’t you stress. I for sure am going nowhere, so you take the time that you need and want :3

And don’t say you’re ‘not keeping me for longer’, because it’s not like you’re taking my time by force, dear Jaz!! You texting to me is a kind gift to me so you’re not taking any time off me, you’re taking YOUR time!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, JAZ, I’VE MISSED YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*sQUEEZES U*

Sweet precious wonderful dear Jaz, thank you soooooooooooooooo LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR DROPPING BY TO SAY HELLO AND SHARE ALL OF THIS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I don’t even know where to start, I’m sorry for taking so long, and thank you immensely for dropping by, my friend!! ;A;

Thank you for the time you dedicated to writing to me and the one to read me. It sounds like you’ve been very busy and I really appreciate that you’ve taken some time to write to me, you have no idea :’(

Thank you for updating me on what you’ve been up to, and thank you for sharing with me that you’ve retaken your writing!! Those news made me so happy, and re reading still makes me feel shivers out of the joy askldjfdaklgjaklgjadglkj

Thank you for being as kind and as gentle as you always are with me. You’re so precious and I hope you know that. You’re always so nice and patient and so good with me, I don’t know how to express it enough or how to let you know or how to thank you properly :’3 Thank you so much for being the sweet and warm creature that you are, Jaz. You’re truly phenomenal and I’m very happy that you exist. The world can very easily wear me out, and it’s creatures like you that relieve it off my shoulders. Thank you

I’ve missed you SO MUCH TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I re fave both your artworks I think about you and I was wondering what you were doing and if you were okay. And there I was, forgetting that it was me who never replied... :’D Really, seriously, I’m so sorry, Jaz, I didn’t mean to take this long... OTL 

I hope that you’ve been okay, Jaz! Have you been okay and doing better? How’s the writing going? I’m eager to hear about you again, buddy!! :3

I WUV U TOO, JAAAAAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALKSDJAKLGDJDAKLGJDAGLKDAJ AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, LOTS OF HUGS FOR MAH BUDDY JAZ!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

Dear Jaz, I hope you’re having a FANTASTIC weekend, and do receive lots of raccoonie hugs and sparkles!! HUGZ

[lenfaz]

Time Upon Once, ch. 8 (8/?)

Summary:  Killian Jones is a bailbonds man, living in Boston and doing his own thing. But on his 29th birthday, a kid knocks on his door and claims to be his son. What happens when Killian is forced to face his past along with a mystery prophecy about his own purpose in life?

Rating: M (eventually)

A huge thank you to @tnlph @businesscasualprincess and @blessed-but-distressed  for beta duties and @shady-swan-jones for the banner!

Tagging a few people that showed interest in this story: @lk0622@nowforruin@sambethe@xemmaloveskillianx  @l-e-x-a-xd @profoundlyfadedprincess @once-uponacaptain@icecubelotr44  @poetic-justice-96  @allietumbles @el-kelpo @jennjenn615 @leiandcharles  (want to be tagged? let me know and I’ll do it)

on Tumblr: I II III IV V VI VII

ao3 ff.net

Chapter VIII

It had been two weeks. Two gruesome weeks of picking up the slack in the Sheriff’s Station of a town he had barely any familiarity with, of drinking himself almost to a stupor every night at The Rabbit Hole, and nursing hangovers in the mornings.

Two weeks of seeing Henry’s sad eyes and lack of a smile, the boy shutting him and everyone out. Of running into Regina and simply averting his eyes, determined not to play whatever game she was after.

Two weeks in which every day he contemplated how easy it would be to just pack his meager belongings and simply leave. Two weeks in which the only things that stopped him were Henry’s grieving stare and Mary Margaret’s heartbroken eyes.

Killian sighed, running a hand through his hair as he entered Gold’s shop. He couldn’t understand why the man had called him in the first place, and the hideous stench coming from whatever he was doing was making it almost impossible for Killian to think straight. What in the bloody hell was the man doing with lanolin and sheep wool in the twenty-first century?

But he soon sobered his wandering thoughts as Gold spoke.

“I just wanted to, uhm, express my condolences, really. The Sheriff was a good man.” He pointed to Killian’s belt where his badge was clipped. “You’re still wearing the Deputy’s badge. Well, he’s been gone two weeks now, and I believe that after two weeks of acting as Sheriff, the job becomes yours. You’ll have to wear the real badge.”

Graham was a good man. Far better than Killian would ever be, and no matter what a local ordinance would say, he’d never be able to properly fill those shoes. He knew he had to eventually. To take the badge that had been sitting over on the desk at the Sheriff’s office in the station and clip it to his belt. But he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready.

“Aye, I guess. I’m just not in a hurry. If that is all that there was, I better head back to the station.”

“I have his things.” Gold walked over to a small carton box that was sitting on the counter. “The Sheriff rented an apartment that I own. Another reason for my call, really. I wanted to offer you a keepsake.”

As if he needed more keepsakes from people he’d cared about one way or another, only for them to be lost to him. He’d kept the baby blanket he was found by the side of the road. He’d held onto a few possessions from the Joneses, the ones he’d managed to grab before he was taken and screwed out of his inheritance by a crooked social worker and unscrupulous foster parents.  He carried Brennan Jones’s old flask in his jacket pocket, close to his heart. He had hold on to Isobel’s engagement ring for years, dreaming of giving it to Emma when the time was right. Bloody hell, he still drove Emma’s car, a decade later.

“I don’t need anything.” He took a few steps back, as if the physical distance would make the pain lessen.

“As you wish. Well, give them to Mayor Mills. Seems like she was the closest thing he had to family.”

“You’re free to do it, Mr. Gold, but I am not sure it’s the best idea.” Regina and Graham hadn’t ended on good terms and while they had been something, Killian somehow knew Graham wouldn’t want his things to reach the Mayor.

“Look, I feel that all of this stuff is headed for the trash bin – you really should take something. Look – his jacket.”

The thought alone made Killian nauseous. “Brown doesn’t suit me.”

“Well, here. Your boy might like these, don’t you think? You could play together.” He held up a pair of walkie talkies, a hopeful expression of his face. Killian wondered - perhaps for the umpteenth time since he’d arrived into town - what Gold was scheming behind his polite facade. Because he didn’t buy for one second there wasn’t something in this for him in the long run.

“I don’t-”

“No, please. They… They grow up so fast.” He handed Killian the walkie talkies and he took them, eager to leave the place once and for all. “You enjoy these with your boy. Your time together is precious, you know? That’s the thing about children – before you know it, you lose them.” Well, that was cheerful. Killian thought as he tilted his head in a quick goodbye and left the shop, feeling more troubled than when he’d entered. He felt the need to find Henry and check on the lad, to see if his belief and optimism could bring him out of the funk he was in. Although Henry hadn’t been the same lately, Killian figured it was worth a shot.

/-/

Killian found Henry at his castle, the image of the boy sitting there so much like that first day he’d spent in town. He held the two walkie talkies tightly in one of his hands as he climbed the structure and sat next to him.

“I brought you something.” Henry didn’t look at him, his eyes lost in the view in front of him. “Perhaps we can use them for Operation Cobra?” Killian hated the way he sounded, so falsely cheerful, as if life could go on as if nothing had happened, as if tragedy hadn’t just struck Henry - and him - again.

“Thanks.” Henry’s voice sounded small and lost, and Killian’s heart broke in two.

“You’ve been ducking me for weeks, lad. Care to tell me why?”

“I think we should stop Cobra stuff for a while. You don’t play with the curse. Look what happened to Graham.”

“Henry,” Killian started, his hand aching to reach over for his son’s. “They did an autopsy. He died of natural causes.” Gods knew he wanted something to be found, anything that wouldn’t reduce Graham’s death to a triviality that couldn’t have been avoided. He wanted a secret, an almost imperceptibly poison. Heck, he would have taken the idea of an Evil Queen crushing his heart if that meant there was something that could explain it, if there was someone to blame for losing a decent man in such a futile way. But as much as Henry wanted to believe, life wasn’t a fairytale and there wasn’t a big bad villain responsible for the evils in the world.

Sometimes life sucked. Plain and simple.

“Whatever.” Henry shrugged and turned to face him. “You don’t believe – good. That should keep you from messing with it. And getting killed.”

His eyes bore into Killian’s with such fear that it almost made him lean back. Henry was scared of losing him to this fantasy. Or maybe he was just scared of losing him.

“You’re worried about me, lad?” he asked softly, trying to convey hope and understanding in his voice, even if he was a little short on hope these days - or in his life in general.

“She killed Graham because he was good – and you’re good.”

“Henry.” Killian wasn’t sure what was more troubling: Henry’s fear for him, or the fact he considered his mother capable of murder.  

“Good loses – good always loses.” He sounded discouraged, disheartened, his little shoulders sagging as he averted his gaze to the horizon. “Because good has to play fair – evil doesn’t. She’s evil. This is probably best.” He thrust the walkie talkie back into Killian’s hand. “I don’t want to upset her anymore.” He grabbed his backpack from his side, stood up and left. Killian sat there for a while, letting the soft breeze mess with his hair, trying to avoid the tears that threatened to escape his eyes. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was never meant to be like this.

He gave Henry away so the lad could have a better chance than he did, so he could be raised and loved in a family. And today, only a few years older than Killian had been when it happened to him, his son was mourning the loss of the closest thing he had to a father.

/-/

Killian drove back to the station, placing a steaming cup of coffee from Granny’s next to the station keys on his desk. He picked the sheriff’s badge, the one that had been staring back at him for the past two weeks. Killian supposed that it made sense that he took on the job now, although there was this nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he’d never be able to fill those shoes.

His hand curled around the badge and he reached to open the clasp with his fingers.

“That’s not for you.” He turned around to find Regina standing by the entrance, smirking knowingly at him.

“It’s been two weeks – promotion’s automatic.” He cleared his throat, working very hard to sound secure and yet knowing he was coming short of that.

“Unless the Mayor appoints someone else within the time period, which I’m doing today.” There was the distinct sound of her heels clicking against the floor as she walked towards him, her hands buried on the pockets of her gray coat.

Killian clenched his jaw and tilted his head to the side. “Who is it?”

“After due reflection – Sidney Glass.”

“From the newspaper? What experience does he have?” He knew the words were a mistake the moment they left his mouth, Regina’s mouth curving into a tight smile.

“He’s covered the Sheriff’s Office for as long as anyone can remember.” She gave Killian a once over. “Besides, what makes you think you are qualified?”

“I’ve worked in a branch associated with law enforcement for the past decade.” He shifted his stance, standing a straighter. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Graham was a good man, Mr. Jones. He made this town safe, and forgive me for saying it, but you have not earned the right to wear his badge.”

He knew that. Killian knew that he had no right to wear Graham’s badge or to even think of claiming the place the other man had held in the town. But Sidney Glass was not the answer. Killian was aware of what it meant for the station in the long run.

“Aye. I am aware that you’re grieving, Madam Mayor and I am sorry for your loss.” He watched as her mask fell and for a second she seemed small and lost, but she quickly recovered. “But Graham picked me to be Deputy, he wanted me to take over if something happened,” Killian said, trying very hard not to engage in a fight with Regina, but not willing to give up just yet.

“And he was wrong.” Regina took the badge from his hand. “You’re fired, Mr. Jones.”

/-/

Killian knew he wasn’t making the best impression as Mary Margaret walked into the loft to find punk music blasting from the stereo, a half empty glass of rum on the sideboard and him perched on a stool, his hands on the toaster as he was finishing with it.

“I fixed the toaster,” he provided by way of greeting and he could feel more than see Mary Margaret’s quirked eyebrow.

“I didn’t even know it was broken,” she supplied politely, as she crossed the room and turned off the music.

“It was making a sound.” Killian tilted his head apologetically.

Mary Margaret dropped her bags on the counter and crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“I needed to get my hands on something,” He sighed as he put the toaster back in place. “Regina fired me. She’s putting someone she can control as Sheriff.” Killian ran a hand through his hair. “That’s my job.”

Mary Margaret’s mouth twisted in a surprised expression and she moved to take the groceries out of the bag. “I’ve never heard you so passionate about it before, Killian.”

“I know,” he admitted, letting her have a little peak of the things he kept behind his mask. “I know I wasn’t that interested to begin with, but I want it back.”

Mary Margaret worried her lip with her teeth. “There must be a reason.”

Gods, the way she could read him was scary. It should be scary, but Killian felt one more time that need to simply tell her the truth, to let her see him for who he was and make her own choices. It was funny how long it had taken for real friendship to find a way in his life. “There’s always a reason.”

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation, and Killian stopped fidgeting with the toaster and went to answer. He frowned at the sight of Mr. Gold standing in front of him.

“Good evening, Mr. Jones. Sorry for the intrusion.” Gold balanced back and forth on his feet, leaning heavily on his cane. “There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.” Killian noticed the massive binder Gold had under his arm and he turned to give Mary Margaret a confused look.

“I’ll let you two talk,” she said after a beat, climbing the stairs towards the upper floor and Killian’s room. He wasn’t sure he was relieved she wouldn’t be subjected to whatever Gold wanted, or troubled that he had to face the man by himself after the day he’d had.

“Come in.” Killian moved to the side and motioned Gold to come into the apartment, closing the door after the man.

“I heard what happened. Such an injustice,” Gold offered, still holding the binder under his arm as he moved near the table.

“What’s done is done, is what me mum used to say.” Killian gave him the fakest smile he could plaster on his face.

“A true fighter, I see.” He didn’t miss the hint of contempt in Gold’s voice. It was so easy for men like him to belittle others.

“She’s the Mayor, Gold, and I’m... well, I’m no one.” Killian shrugged. He’d decided long time ago that he didn’t give a damn what others thought of him - Liam had taught him that at an early age - especially not men that liked to play puppeteer with the lives of innocent bystanders in order to get their own way.

“Mr. Jones, two people with a common goal can accomplish many things. Two people with a common enemy can accomplish even more. How would you like a benefactor?”

Bullseye. He knew Gold had a hidden agenda. He had to, men like him never did anything out of the goodness of their hearts. Men like him didn't have goodness in their hearts. But Killian was willing to see how this was going to play out, especially if he could stay one step ahead of the game.

“Benefactor?”

“You mind?” Gold gestured at the table and Killian briefly nodded, waiting for the man to place the binder over the table and take a sit before he sat as well. Gold opened the binder, shuffling through the pages. “You know, it really is quite shocking how few people study the town charter.”

“The town charter?” So far, Killian wasn’t impressed.

“Well, it’s quite comprehensive. And the Mayor’s authority? Well, maybe she’s not quite as powerful as she seems.”

Oh, see, that was interesting. /-/

He could lie and say he wasn’t one for dramatic entrances, but Killian had always enjoyed a little flair for dramatics - according to Emma, anyway. It had been a nice way to counterbalance the tedious parts of his job, the ability to saunter over to a skip and deliver the perfect punchline just as he slapped the cuffs on.

“Please welcome your new Sheriff!” Regina exclaimed with a proud smile on her face, her fingers just about to pin the Sheriff’s badge into Sidney’s chest. That was the moment when Killian went in.

“Now, hang on a second.” He had a smirk plastered on his face as he strolled into the Mayor’s office.

“Oh, Mr. Jones, this is not appropriate,” Regina said in a condescending tone, not giving up an inch on the smile on her face.

“The only thing not appropriate is this ceremony, Madam Mayor.” He tilted his head to the side, his footsteps secure as he stood in front of her. “You do not have the power to appoint him.”

There was a flicker of something dark passing behind her eyes before she collected herself. Regina Mills didn’t like to be challenged.  “The town charter clearly states the Mayor shall appoint-”

“A candidate.” And she clearly didn’t like to be interrupted, but Killian Jones had always had problems with authority figures. He wasn’t going to start behaving now, not when there was so much at stake. “You have the authority to appoint a candidate. It calls for an election.”

“The term ‘candidate’ is applied loosely.” Regina waved her hand, trying to divert the conversation to her own ends. It might work with the town residents that didn’t seem too keen to oppose her vision, but he liked to think he’d battled people tougher than Regina Mills in his life.

“No, it’s not. It requires a vote,” he countered, as he saw that same darkness creeping back into her expression. “I’m running, Madam Mayor.”

“Fine,” she said dismissively, as if this was nothing but a nuisance and a waste of time. “So is Sidney.”

“I am?” The man spoke from the first time and if looks could inflict pain, he’d have been on the floor from the one he got from Regina. “I mean, I am,” he professed with a little more determination, and it only cemented Killian’s belief that he was only going to be Regina’s puppet if he was elected Sheriff.

“With my full support. I guess we’ll all learn a little something about the will of the people.” Regina smirked, as if she’d already won.

It was a long shot, but he had to try. If nothing else, for the peace of mind that he’d tried everything humanly possible to prevent it.

“I guess we will.”

/-/

Killian found Henry sitting at a booth in Granny’s and quickly made his way to him. He sat next to Henry, but the boy didn’t pay him much attention.

“How was school?”

“Okay,” Henry shrugged, his eyes focused on the newspaper he was holding in his hands. That caught Killian’s attention as he noticed the way the boy's shoulders were slumped in defeat.

“Anything interesting in the local news?” He asked nonchalantly, trying to get Henry to look at him.

“Sidney wrote it,” Henry said as he flipped the paper over and presented Killian with the upper part of the front page. The blood drained from his face and he felt dizzy at the sight of his most recent mugshot with the title “Jailbird. Killian Jones served time for theft, missed own son’s birth.”

“Is it a lie?” Henry asked looking eagerly at him.

Killian had vowed that he wouldn’t lie to his son. He deserved the truth and Killian just wished the lad had been a few years older when he learnt about it. He shook his head and sighed, giving his son a self-deprecating smile.

“You were in jail when I was born?”

“Aye,” he admitted in defeat. “Those records were supposed to be sealed.” Killian had worked hard to have them sealed, even if he’d served time at a regular prison and not juvie due to his recent 18th birthday, he’d been able to plead with the judge about the status of his case and the stigma that a sentence like his could have on his future. He wasn’t sure if it was his natural charm, or if he had simply inspired pity, but the judge had agreed to seal the records and Killian had moved on, working hard to build a life of his own.

“Did my birth mom know?”

“She must have, because that’s where I found out she was pregnant with you.” Killian said, drifting away to one of the most painful memories in his life.

He had been locked up for a little over five months when the brown manila envelope arrived, a stack of papers inside... and her letter. It was a short letter, attached to the adoption papers, in which Emma pleaded with him to give their unborn child the best chance they could. It was the first time she’d made contact since he’d landed in jail and he wondered - not for the first time - what lies Neal and August might have fed her that she hadn’t shown up to see him. While a part of him wanted to be mad at her, blame her for not believing in him instead of what she might have been told, Killian knew Emma better than she knew herself. He knew how skittish and hesitant to trust others she’d been her entire life, a by-product of the abuse and neglect she’d suffered at the hands of a system that was supposed to take care of her. He knew he had torn down her walls and that she’d fallen for him as much as he had fallen for her. But he also knew that in this situation, and without him being able to talk to her - his attempts at contact were futile as she didn’t have a cellphone or an address to be reached at - she would revert to what she knew best: Look out for herself and avoid getting hurt.

And he couldn’t resent her for it. He wouldn’t. As much as he’d like to plead with her to hold on for a few more months and wait for him, to bet on them, on a chance to be a family, Killian knew it was too much to ask for a just-turned-eighteen year old high school dropout that lived on the streets.

A tear ran down his cheek as he signed the consent for the adoption, wishing things could be different. But he made a promise to himself in that moment. He was going to find Emma when he got out, and he was going to explain everything to her, begging for a chance to start over.

The only problem was, he’d never been able to find her.

“Is that why you consented to the adoption?” Henry’s question brought him back to the present and he turned to find his son looking at him with almost a desperate plea in his eyes.

He nodded, not trusting his voice not to betray him. “Are you scarred for life?” He finally asked, wanting with everything in him to know that he hadn’t ruined his son’s life even more than before.

“Not by this.” Killian smiled at Henry’s sarcastic barb that reminded him so much of Emma.

“Let’s burn this thing to ashes and find somewhere better for our information. Like the internet, for example.”

Henry didn’t quite smile at his attempt to lighten up the mood. “This is what I’ve been trying to tell you – good can’t beat evil, because good doesn’t do this kind of thing. My mom plays dirty – that’s why you can’t beat her. Ever.”

The fact that he was being put in the ‘good’ column tugged at his heart, and he desperately wanted to be worthy of that. “Gold said he’s going to help.”

“Mr. Gold? He’s even worse than she is. You already owe him one favor. You don’t want to owe him anymore. Don’t do this.” Henry seemed genuinely scared and Killian wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms and take him away for good. But he couldn’t, so he had to settle for putting the boy’s fears at ease.

“Henry, evil can only beat good if good cannot see the dirty coming. Lucky for you, I’ve known a few evildoers in my time to know how to play it. Trust me, lad.” He smirked, his hand resting on Henry’s shoulder. “It’s not about playing dirty. It’s about staying two steps ahead of the game.”

/-/

Killian barged into Regina’s office brandishing the newspaper. “Those records were sealed by court order.” He placed the paper over her desk and gave her a furious look. “I don’t know how you got it, but that’s abuse of power, and it’s illegal.”

“I’m sorry. You didn’t want people to know you were playing cards with other jail mates whilst the poor woman you impregnated was giving birth?”

He clenched his jaw, tilting his head and willing himself not to fall for the barb she was throwing at him. “I don’t bloody care what people know, but this hurts Henry.”

“He would’ve learned eventually.” Regina glanced over at him as she closed her bag. “We all lose our heroes at some point.”

She started walking away, but Killian wasn’t ready to let this go. “He doesn’t need to lose anything more. He’s depressed, Madam Mayor. He doesn’t have any… Any hope. Don’t you see that?” he pleaded, trying to appeal to Regina’s love for her son. He could understand why she wanted to drag him down into the mud, but for the life of him, he couldn’t understand why she was so careless with her son’s feelings.

“He’s fine.” She waved her hand dismissively at him, as if he were a subject that was annoying her. She shut off the lights of her foyer and waited for him to exit before closing the door.

“He’s not fine.” He turned around to face her, unwilling to let her go until she could see what she was doing. “He’s watching his adoptive mother wage an illegal smear campaign against his birth father.  Don’t you find that upsetting?” He tilted his head, his voice cracking slightly at his words. “He just lost Graham, Regina. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that man was the closest thing he ever had to a father. Does he need to go through this?”

“I’m just letting him see the truth,” Regina countered, with a smug smile. “And as for the legality – I did nothing wrong.” She blatantly ignored Killian’s cocked eyebrow. “But you and Sidney will have a chance to get into all that at the debate.”

“A debate?” He almost choked on the words. As if he needed a bloody debate to have more of his past being dredged up before the citizens of Storybrooke.

“Yes, Mr. Jones, there’s a debate. You and Sidney can talk all about your jail experiences, as well as your new benefactor.” She cocked an eyebrow at him, her red lips curved into a knowingly smile as she walked to open the door. “He’s a snake, Jones. I’d be careful if I were yo-”

The rest of her words died as she opened the door and the explosion set off, deafening everything else. The force of the blast threw both Regina and Killian back, and when he lifted his head, he could see the flames licking the room and coming their way. When he turned around to urge Regina to get out, he could see her ankle trapped underneath the debris.

“I can’t move! Help me!” she shrieked.

Killian didn’t hesitate, reaching first to free her ankle from the debris and jumping through the flames to get ahold of the nearest fire extinguisher. Once he’d weakened the fire a little bit, he lifted Regina in his arms, urging her to hold tight as he hurried them outside the building.

The fire truck had arrived, and a few people had gathered as Killian tried to gently place Regina on the ground, but a coughing fit had him drop her with a little more force than intended.

“Oh, ow, ow! My ankle! Set me down gently!” Even when injured and when she should show at least a bit of gratitude at being rescued, Regina managed to find a way to belittle him.

“I’m sorry if my manners whilst saving your life are not meeting your standards, Your Majesty.” Her eyes widened comically for a second and Killian realized the unintentional barb he’d made with his comment.

But soon Regina was back at being her regal self and scoffed at him. “The firemen are here. It’s not like we were really in danger.”

“By all means, then next time I’ll let them fight for the honor of rescuing you.” He turned away, running a hand through his hair, frustrated by this whole ordeal. “Actually, next time I’ll do the same thing, because she might not have been with me for decades, but me mum taught me to be a decent human being.” He tilted his head to Regina’s dumbfounded expression and chose to walk away, as he knew nothing good would come from talking to the woman in this state. Real danger or not, it had been a nerve-wracking ordeal for the both of them.

Killian spotted Henry talking to one of the firemen. The lad broke into a smile when he saw him. “Is it true that you rescued my mom?”

He simply waved his hand dismissively, whilst Regina tried her best to downplay the incident, anything to prevent a shift in popular opinion in Killian’s favor. But he wasn’t that worried about how Sidney was going to skew the story, not when the rest of the town was talking about him being a hero and organizing campaign posters. Not when Henry was beaming at him as he used to do - in the way Emma used to beam at him.

“This is how good wins, lad,” he said as he ruffled his son’s hair, a soft smile on his lips.

The same smile that faded the moment Killian spotted something that looked eerily familiar in between the debris. Something he’d seen not too long ago, in Gold’s shop.

/-/

Gold was still wiping something from his hands with a rag when Killian entered the shop, and that only fueled his conviction that he’d been involved in whatever happened at the Town Hall. Killian grabbed the fabric he’d stealthily retrieved from the fire site and toyed with it in his hands.

Gold took a look at him and gave him an eerie smile. “Lots of visitors today.”

“I know you set the fire, Gold.” Killian took a few steps and set the incriminating piece of fabric on the counter.

The pawn shop owner didn’t even flinch at the accusation. “I’ve been here all day, Mr. Jones. How could I have possibly been involved in what happened at Town Hall?”

“This fabric was found on the site. Surprisingly, it smells rather like the sheep oil you were using a few mornings ago.” He made tsk sound with his mouth and tilted his head to the side. “And it’s flammable.”

Gold took a few steps further into the shop, standing at the other side of the counter. “Are you sure? There’s some construction work on at City Hall at the moment. There’s lots of flammable solvents used in construction.”

Killian wasn’t in the mood to play hide and seek with the local pawn shop owner slash powerful man in town. He decided to cut to the chase. “Why did you do it?”

“If I did it,” the other man said and Killian rolled his eyes at his antics. “If I did it, that would be because you cannot win without something big. Something like, uh… Oh, I don’t know. Being the hero in a fire?” He waved his hand about with a dramatic flourish.

Killian shook his head slightly. He really despised men like Gold. “And, let me guess. You have eyes and ears in this town that would let you know if I was in the right place at the right time?”

“Or maybe I’m just intuitive - were I involved.”

“You counted on me not being able to leave Regina behind.”

“Not the type.”

“I’m not doing this, Gold.” Killian stated resolutely, not willing to be a pawn in someone else’s power play.

“This is the price of election, Mr. Jones,” Gold shrugged with the calm of a man used to having his way.

“This is not a price I’m willing to pay. Find someone else to be your posterboy for your war against the Mayor.” Killian turned and made his way towards the door, Gold’s voice reaching him just as his hand was on the knob.

“Go ahead – expose me. But if you do, just think about what you’ll be exposing and what you’ll be walking away from. And who you might be disappointing.”

Killian smirked, looked at Gold over his shoulder. “Nice try, Mr. Gold. But trust me, I wouldn’t be disappointing the son that begged me not to get involved with you in the first place.”

/-/

Killian paced restlessly backstage, waiting for the debate to start. If it could be called a debate. It was more an opportunity for each candidate to give a short presentation, and then the people would cast their votes. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was nervous. He couldn’t recall the last time he was nervous over something as silly as this.

He couldn’t recall the last time he’d given a crap about what people thought of him.

Mary Margaret approached him and thrusted a piece of paper and a bottle of water on his hands, giving him a comforting smile.

He smiled in return, exhaling deeply as he voiced his thoughts to her. “I’m not going to win.”

She tilted her head in confusion and reached up to straighten his black tie and the collar of his white button down. Her hands smoothed the lapels of his black leather jacket. “What are you talking about? Everyone’s talking about what you did in the fire.” The fire, aye. The one he’d decided not to use to his advantage.

“Henry is right, I can’t beat Regina at this. Not the way she fights. My reputation - such as it is - it’s going to get bloody destroyed as soon as I get behind that podium.”

“Killian.” She gave him that look Killian was fast becoming very used to. The one in which she was reading all the things he kept hidden from the world and silently chastising him for lying to her. “This has never been about Regina.”

He averted his gaze for a brief second as he pondered her words. “Of course it isn’t. It’s about Henry,” he admitted.

“You want to win this to show him that good can actually win fighting fair and that is a wonderful thing, Killian. But what about you?” She smiled encouragingly at him. “Why do you want to win the election for yourself?”

Because I’d have nothing to offer him if I didn’t.

“If I’m not the savior, or his mother’s hero, if I’m not even his father figure - Graham was - then what am I to him? What part do I have in his life? I’m nothing but the man who sired him and wasn’t even around when he was born. I was in jail, Mary Margaret. Emma had to go through it all without me.” Killian’s voice broke at the last part, allowing himself to voice his deepest fears. “If all I do is disappoint him in every role he casts me in his life, then what is left?”

“You, Killian.” Mary Margaret was giving him a resolute stare. “The man that drove his son from Boston to Storybrooke and stayed around after to make sure he was going to be okay. The man that is still here, trying, regardless of everything Regina is throwing at him. It’s not always about winning, Killian. It’s about trying.”

She was right, as usual. Killian took a deep breath. “There it is.”

“There it is.”

He dropped a soft kiss on her forehead. “Thank you, darling.”

“You’re welcome.” She beamed at him, a soft pat on his shoulder as she sent him on his merry way, off towards the stage.

/-/

Killian sat there, trying hard to control the way his knee was bouncing up and down as Sidney delivered his speech about reflecting the best qualities for Storybrooke: honesty, neighborliness, and strength. From the corner of his eye, he spotted Regina nodding and almost mouthing the words, one by one. He resisted the need to roll his eyes and scoff at the blatant ventriloquist act in front of him.

He was called upon the podium. Killian’s eyes connected briefly with Henry, who smiled in encouragement, before facing the sea of unfamiliar faces.

“I’m Killian Jones. You might recognize me from my mugshot on the front page of the paper yesterday,” he started, hoping a little self-deprecating humor was going to lighten the mood. But this was a tough crowd and he knew it. His eyes scanned the audience and he spotted Gold smirking at him.

Killian was tired of men like Gold. He was tired of men like him winning, pulling the strings of his life. But not anymore. If he was going to do something today, he was going to be the kind of man he wanted to be. The kind of man Henry could be proud of. He cleared his throat as he tried to find the words for his speech. Suddenly, he remember his brother Liam’s words the first time he had to give a speech at elementary school.

You can do it little brother, I have faith in you.

“Yes, I have had a troubled past, but as my brother used to say ‘Start in the way you want to finish, Killian’. I’m just starting my life here… and if I can dare hope that you’d embrace me as your Sheriff, I cannot start with a lie. You think I’m a hero because I rescued the Mayor from a fire. But the fire was a setup.” He heard the gasps in the audience and he forced himself to go on. It was all or nothing. “Mr. Gold agreed to support me in this race, but I didn’t know that that meant he was going to set a fire. I don’t have definitive evidence, but I’m sure this was the case. I cannot, in good conscience, let you think otherwise even if it might help me win this race. That is not the Sheriff I want to be.” His eyes looked for Henry. “That is not the man I want to be.”

Gold stood up the moment he finished the speech and walked away, his cane hitting the floor the only sound on the room. Killian sighed before he nodded briefly and left the stage.

He needed a drink. Or five.

/-/

Killian downed the first glass on two gulps under the amused scrutiny of Ruby.

“Another?”

“Hell, yes. And keep them coming, lass.”

Ruby was pouring him the second one when the doorbell jingled and Henry entered the place. He took a seat next to Killian and silently pulled a walkie talkie out of his backpack and handed it to him.

“What’s this for?” Killian hand held onto the device.

“You stood up to Gold. That was cool.”

“It was the right thing to do, lad. He did something illegal. And, I seem to recall you told me not to work with him.” Killian bopped Henry’s nose and he smiled brightly at him. Even if he lost today, his son’s smile was worth everything he’d done.

“That’s what heroes do – expose stuff like that.” Ruby came back with a glass of milk and Henry waited until she left to continue speaking in a whisper. “I shouldn’t have given up on Operation Cobra.” There was a newfound hope in him and whilst Killian wasn’t exactly keen on getting back into fairytale conspiracies, he was bloody happy to see a little bit of the old Henry back.

There was another jingle of the doorbell and Regina walked in with Sidney behind her. “I thought I might find you here. With a drink. And my son.”

Killian decided to ignore the barb in Regina’s voice and addressed Sidney directly. “Here to card me, officer?”

“Well, not at all. In fact, I think I’ll join you.” Sidney said in an amicable tone and Killian raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“Here? I don’t know. I thought they were setting up a back room for the victory party.”

Sidney shrugged with a small, uncomfortable, smile on his lips. “Oh, well, you’ll have to tell me what that’s like.”

What?

Killian’s eyes darted to Regina. The Mayor was holding the Sheriff insignia in her hands. She averted her gaze and her mouth tilted in a small pout. “Congratulations …Sheriff Jones.” Regina placed the badge on the counter. “It was a very close vote, but people really seem to like the idea of a Sheriff brave enough to stand up to Mr. Gold.”

“Are you joking?” It was all Killian could ask as more people started to pour into Granny’s.

“She doesn’t joke.” Sidney clarified and Killian nodded.

“Of course she doesn’t.” He should have known that, but Kilian was still amazed and his eyes looked for Henry. He was giving him a beaming smile, only to be matched by Mary Margaret’s looking at them from a safe distance.

“You didn’t pick a great friend in Gold, Mr. Jones, but he does make a superlative enemy.” Regina interrupted his thoughts, her smile carrying a hint of danger in it. “Enjoy that.”

/-/

Things felt different when he entered the station the next morning, carrying his meager possessions back. It wasn’t more than a notepad and a mug, but Mary Margaret had insisted he needed his own mug in the station as she gifted it to him that same morning. He sighed, his eyes scanning the place before he froze on the spot at the sight of Graham’s jacket, still hanging on the coat rack.

“The Sheriff’s jacket – I thought you might want it after all.” Gold walked in and Killian wondered for a brief moment if he could simply arrest the man for breaking and entering.

“What do you want, Gold?” Killian spat, clenching his jaw and reaching for his weapon.

“It was a great act, don’t you think? Political theatre in an actual theatre.” Gold must have noticed his disbelieving stare because he gave Killian a smug smirk. “I knew no one was going to vote for you unless we gave you some kind of extraordinary quality, and I’m afraid saving old Regina’s arse from the fire just wasn’t going to do that. We had to give you a higher form of bravery. They had to see you defy me – and they did.”

Killian wasn’t buying it. He couldn’t sense any outright lies from the other man, but he knew his kind. He simply shrugged nonchalantly. “You’re claiming you planned it?”

“Everyone’s afraid of Regina, but they’re more afraid of me. By standing up to me, you won them over. It was the only way.”

“Men like you always feel the need to pull the strings. Or feel that you pull the strings of other people’s lives, regardless of the outcome.” Killian pointed out, not willing to fall into the man’s recount of the tale.

Gold simply shrugged and headed to the exit. “Be that as it may, Mr. Jones, you still owe me a favor. I know that can be a bad feeling – owing someone. And now that you’re Sheriff -”

“I’d be careful in ending that sentence, Mr. Gold, unless you want me to press charges for attempting to coerce or otherwise corrupt a law enforcer.” Killian looked defiantly at the other man. Whatever pull Gold had in this town, he wasn’t going to let himself be dragged under by it. He hadn’t freed the Sheriff’s Station from Regina’s influence only to have it fall under Gold’s.  “Also, it’s Sheriff Jones. Goodbye, Gold.”

Gold smiled at him, nodding his head. “Goodbye, Sheriff.”

He knew he’d made a strong enemy in Gold, but as his fingers brushed the Sheriff’s badge that was now clipped to his belt, he couldn’t care less.

Good had won. At least for the day.

[erlangs]

❤️ :)

truly i hate liza bc she knows id do this to outdo her ( mere ) 655 word compliment so she sent it even tho i didnt reblog the goddamn post sdfsdf and i hate myself bc im doing it anyway. the thing is under the cut bc its really fucking long and i hate u liza.

ok so, that disclaimer aside, where do i start with liza? man, i legit still cant believe that im ur oldest good tumblr friend?? thats such an honor?? honestly tho, it feels like its been longer than only two and a half years?? before u mentioned that on ur compliment, i honestly thought that weve been here for at least three years. sometimes its just v easy to forget for me that i havent known you for like, half my life ( it doesnt help that u know one of my irl friends irl too rip ). ur presence is constantly there, and for two people who can get irritated real quick by a never ending presence, ur right; we really do make it work. i really like how youre always around but not in a way that it pressures me or anything, i just know youre gonna be there always and i hope you know the same about me too?? even if we dont talk for a few days or only talk briefly i just know youre still gonna be there when im back, and i hope you know that the same applies to you too. im still gonna be here, ok.

tbh its amazing to me too how while we’ve both changed and grew up and all that, we’re also still kinda the same?? in the sense that, aside from bonding over emmastan bein losers and other things, a lot of our convos from the beginning were riddled w salt too?? and here we are, still getting salty every single day. SPEAKING OF SALT, u know one thing that im rly grateful of of u too?? its the fact that altho u indulge my saltiness and we get petty a lot, u always always without fail help me put a brake to that saltiness. u know to stop me when u know that the salt is gonna pull me under and drag me down, u know to remind me that sometimes bitterness isnt the right way to go, and im honestly really grateful that we have that balance in our conversations?? the fact that ur firm w me when i need it is smth that i v much appreciate too like i feel like ?? neither of us are scared to speak our minds w each other too and thats really nice?? honestly, idt ive ever really skirted around about anything with u and like even if it takes me a while to bring up ( usually nothing to do w u too lmao more like personal issues i have n stuff ) it always gets brought up?? u also got a good head on your shoulders ( altho sometimes we both know that u use it better when ur giving other ppl advice rather than looking @ urself LMAO ) and i really appreciate how i can always come to you to help me rationalize things too. i remember like i used to come to u a lot about getting second opinions bc i know ur always gonna look at from an unbiased pov if u can and ur always honest about what u think?? and thats honestly still something i do a lot too, whether its rp apps or personal issues or whatever else.

and see, thats the thing. i think sometimes criticizing can be rly tough but u?? make it so easy?? its v easy for us to proofread each others things and stuff and thats why i really like showing you my rp apps as well? there are a few people who id be like “ok i know my work is good if this person says its good”, and youre one of those people. bc youre honest, but not brutal, and i really appreciate that about you. i mean, u know we can be brutal w each other n not rly mind but even outside of me, ur always v v mindful and i find that amazing?? u just....always try rly but also!! another thing that i admire about u is the fact that even tho u always try to be there for ur friends too, u know when to draw the line and take time for urself. i think like talking to you about things like this helped me get a stronger grasp on myself too? someone complimented me saying that it seems like i know who i am v well and while i know i still have a lot to learn too about myself and my place in the world and im still figuring the fuck out of everything, i feel like the people around me defff helped me find my footing better and tbh, ur one of those people. u helped me find my stance while still grow and all, and just overall, i feel like a lot of our convos when we’re not talking abt our sims or charas being complete messes or we’re talking abt random things like rice, they help a lot w self discovery?? which idt ive ever properly thought about either, but since i basically said i could probably write u a 1k compliment, why not bring it up here?? writing this down made me realize that too, so.

jfk, this is so long already ( the end of that paragraph? thats when i told its already 914 words ) and i havent even gotten into like the more Aesthetic things n ur talentz and skillz n all that. but u know time and time again ive told you how much i love your writing?? i know sometimes we look at other ppls writings and yell about how pretty they are, but i hope you know never for a second have i ever thought that ur writing is inferior to any pretty writing. like u said, we have similar writing styles and by default LMAO if u want me to be confident abt my writing style ( which i am, and again a lot of ppl close to me have helped me w that n that includes u ) then i want u to do the same w urs bc we write kind of similarly. and its amazing, bc i think our writing is v different too but also?? a v similar tone?? it makes rping w u v easy for me too bc theres just?? so little pressure?? and before we know it our threads are 1k+ n we’re yelling at each other abt how its effort but we still try outdo each other anyway. but really, you know that im honest about ur writing and when something feels like it doesnt work for me or anything i always straight up will tell u but the thing is, it so rarely happens?? genuinely, i love love your writing and also your character creation process and everything else. just — the amount of work u put into ur fiction impresses me and also, as lazy as you are, it always amazes me how u would push urself and do replies and stuff too even tho i know u stare at them for 10 hours being like “effort”.

anyway, i really should end this soon lmao but one more thing!! i cant not bring this up ok!! i think my favorite thing about you is that youre always so genuine. like, i could be talking abt an anime that u dont even have any idea what it looks like and ud still genuinely listen and be interested and god, i appreciate that sooo much about u?? steffi yells at u abt kpop n kdramas and i yell at u abt games and anime and never for one second have i ever felt like u were dismissing us?? and truly, its amazing bc i know in some friendships ppl mostly talk abt what they have in common but i feel like with you and me, we can talk abt something the other has zero knowledge abt and its still chill. and i hope u know im always interested in what u gotta say too, sometimes im slow w responding n stuff or dont respond w multiple texts but u know im always interested. i mean, for fucks sake, i attentively listen to 4 of ur simventures and its been truly a wild ride.

our friendship as a whole was probably a Wild Ride, so much has happened in the past 2 and a half years ( u graduated, i graduated, amongst other things ) and here’s to many many more years of being trash saltmates i love u

[br0kenbutterfly]

15/5/2017

So its 2am, its fucking freezing cold, but I have to write this because if I dont, itll be just like all the other stuff I look back on and wish I had some recollection of how I felt. Like all my childhood diaries that I started. Or the abandoned derby tumblr thats still lurking somewhere. Anyway.

I had my initial appointment with a surgeon today about weight loss surgery. I’ve been thinking about surgery since about 2013, and seriously for the last 9 months or so. I’ve talked to several people who have had various surgeries (including mum, my friend and a friend of my aunts), and done my research. Ive discussed this with my (awesome amazing wonderful) GP, and our work counsellor Ann-Marie, who are both incredibly supportive. I’m paying for this surgery privately, which cuts hugely into the savings Ive accumulated since I was 15 for a house, but I can wait for a house. Every year I don't do this is a year Im kinda wasting my youth on being huge and not happy and making excuses for not doing things Id like to do. Not that Im unhappy all the time, but my weight is a safety blanket, kinda like my depression was my safety blanket for not leaving oamaru. I just dont wanna wait until Im accepted into public surgery (which Ive been on the list for since 2013) because at that point Ill probably be in my 50s and have so many health issues. Like for goodness sake, im 26 and I have pre-diabetes, polycystic ovaries that mean im probs infertile, a perpetually sore back that means i cant walk for more than a block without having to stop, my knees and ankles give out randomly. Anyway. Im rambling. 

My appointment was with Dr Flint, who I chose because thats who my friend had surgery with (and because the other guy was the one who did my consult for public surgery and he was a right royal douche). He was lovely, and explained both procedures (roux-en-y and gastric sleeve) really well. Im going to have a gastric sleeve, because the ongoing risk of complications like IBS and hernias are smaller (and because you dont have to be on vitamins for life and my god i hate taking meds). He weighed me - ive put on like 5kg since i last weighed myself (fuck) but to be fair i did have my docs on. So my offical starting weight is 157.8kg, which is a terrifying number and also this is probably the first time ive admitted my weight to anyone who isnt a medical professional in a long long time holy shit. Apparently if everything goes well i should be around 95kg afterwards (like 2 years away).

After I went through everything with the surgeon, I saw his nurse? receptionist? general fucking awesome person Denise. Shes so lovely. She talked me through the appointments I need to have next (which tbh is part of the reason I want to to it privately, because i know its not just about the surgery, its about learning to live as a smaller person, and i fucking dont know how to eat properly, and id really like to do some exercises that dont hurt my damn back all the time). So I have to see the dietician, and an exercise consultant, and a psychiatrist, and then back to the surgeon for pre-op appt. My surgery is scheduled for the 11th July, which means Ill be on preop diet from like, the 13th June I think? I might buy some optifast and try it for some breakfasts first. Im so not looking forward to that bit.

Then because I was like, nervous as fuck after my appointment, I went and cuddled ellas tiny humans and then talked to laura and watched sense8. 

My biggest fears at the moment are:

-me fucking this up. like what if i cat do it, if my willpower is awful, and i screw it up and throw $20k down the drain. How shit will I feel about myself if the surgery doesnt work, because theres not really any more drastic options. what if i put all the weight back on like my uncle, or drink frozen coke and dont eat protein like my mum

-mum. i havent told her yet....im telling her tomorrow. im worried shes gunna be weird about it. not in a “you shouldnt have the surgery” kinda of way, im worried she will want to know how much i weigh, and give me well meaning comments about how i shouldnt be eating this or that, or go the other way and want to have a massive blowout before i start optifast. 

-who do i tell? apart from the internel lol (im guessing only like 3 people i know in real life will read this). do i tell my dad? i should but again, im so worried about what he’ll think, how he’ll judge me. 

-i think in general im so used to the comments about my weight that im really caught up with it as part of my identity? Like I hate all the health and fitness ads because it just reminds me of me not being fit and healthy, but i wonder if some part of me likes being fat to be a rebel, because some weird part of me feels like im failing by conforming to societys (and my dads) wishes about how i look and act. idk. 

- hahahahahh optifast. ive heard it tastes awful and i have 6 weeks of it, then purees (goodie), then soft food. also imma have to eat veggies. fuck.

I’m excited about:

-being able to maybe actually skate well?! being able to do general things like run after izzy or go for a bike ride with people without being like yeah nah i cant do that because it hurts. itd be nice to walk up the stairs without looking like ive run a half marathon. id be nice to walk to work without my back cramping up so bad i have to stop and stretch it several times. 

-im kinda looking forward to meeting with the exercise person. I see a lot of people in the #GRRLarmy and stuff and I want to be strong, but I am terrified of the gym and im really hoping shell be able to help and be a good motivation

-the dietician will be good to because lord knows im terrible at cooking for myself no matter how many well meaning people try and teach me. i just wish i didnt have to eat. 

-possibly having lower food bills - currently i spend like a quarter of my income on food which is ridiculous and i dont know how to stop.

Right so that was a novel. Now its 3am and i have to go talk to my boss and ask her for time off for 5 preop appointments in the next 6 weeks, as well as hi im going to need 2 weeks off work lololol. Oh, and tell my mum im having major surgery in 6 weeks and i didnt tell her i had an appointment to talk about it. whoops. wish me luck x