#god i hope this works because i had to write it twice since tumblr ate it the first time

[averrse]

@wraythic ' we have to get inside right now. '

For a moment, Kaz directs all of his silent rage at Inej. His eyes bright but devoid of conscience or reason, his jaw clenched, his nostrils flared

It should have been an easy job. Waylay a carriage taking a shipment of illegally imported cigars across town to the Emerald Palace. The two on point create a distraction while Kaz and Inej would switch out a couple cases with dupes that wouldn't be found until it was too late. Turn a quick and easy profit.

Per Haskell had accused Kaz of thinking this kind of petty crime was beneath him, so anybody would assume that Kaz took it as a token of goodwill, to mend the bridge that would always remain between them.

But that wasn't why he'd taken the job.

Petty crime or not, it had gone wrong fast. There was more security than any of them had expected--maybe there'd been something other than cigars in that carriage--and bullets began flying before they'd even gotten close. The two on point had made their escape immediately, and Kaz and Inej had found cover. The cover wouldn't last much longer, though, if they didn't break line of sight and get away.

Kaz hadn't been ready to give up though. Still isn't, even with Inej telling him what he knows is true. Part of him wants to run through the bullets, set the damn carriage on fire. Anything. Anything, but give up.

He wouldn't survive long enough to get to the carriage, though. And he has to survive.

He swallows thickly, sense returning this his eyes, and nods. "Come on," he says, and runs toward the abandoned building to hide with her until they can chance making an escape through the back.

[mywritingonlyfans]

I don’t want to post it on my site simply because I’ve never written before (especially in English) and I’m too shy 👉🏻👈🏻🥺 but i feel like i should show it to someone. thanks to tumblr for anonymity. I just said that I'm really worried if I'm bothering you with this

Well, in general, that's it. I hope you really don't mind

he remembers the first time he saw her.  and how his brain immediately stopped working properly.

he randomly craved coffee that day. he didn't really like this drink until that day.

in the next building from where he lived there was a coffee shop and that was where thomas headed.

a neon sign on the street, a garland of light bulbs, a couple of tables and chairs to relax and enjoy a drink. everything would be fine if not for the music from the speaker. "damn, this is led zeppelin" - he thought to himself : "I already like this place". but going inside thomas liked it even more. he liked it so much that he froze in the aisle, unable to take his eyes off the barista.

- good afternoon, what would u like to drink? - it seems Thomas did not even hear the question and continued to examine the girl opposite him, he was so fascinated by her - mister, are you okay?

- oh, yes ... yes, of course, I'm sorry - it seems he is already redder than a tomato

- what'll it be?

- um .. maybe ... I want - "you" thought the guitarist to himself, but of course he didn't voice it - I don't know what I want - sighed sadly

- well, in that case, let me help you with the choice - it seems her eyes sparkled even brighter. damn this girl really loves her job

- it would be nice - after a couple of questions, the girl began to flutter around the coffee machine.

all her movements were so easy and so ... beautiful. just like her. dark hair, almost black. loose clothes in which she looked even smaller than she was.  "she is tiny. she's up to my shoulder... OK, maybe a little bit higher... or not" . in any case, it doesn't matter, unlike the fact that from the moment he saw her, this girl did not leave Thomas's head for more than a minute. he thought about her all the time. when he fell asleep, when he woke up, when he ate and even when he was working on new music.

from day to day he came to the coffee shop  in the morning for a cappuccino with  a little bit of caramel syrup (I think he would like it) . the barista offered him this drink when he first went into a coffee shop and did not know what to take and now he is ready to drink only it until the end of his days. on the days when he had to go to the studio, he bought coffee for the whole band, simply because "if you don't want to introduce us to the thief of your heart, then at least bring us  coffee from her".  the point was that thomas didn't know her either. not even her name. nothing. all he knew was that she works in a coffee shop and she is about his age. and also that her handwriting is beautiful. when the guitarist took coffee for the whole group, she wrote on each cup what was inside.

they never talked about anything. after a couple of visits, the girl already knew Thomas's order by heart. so every time he quietly entered, greeted from the doorway and said the number of drinks and sat down at a table waiting for his order. he quietly watched every movement of the girl, paid, thanked and left as quietly as he came.

why didn't they talk? they both wondered this question. at first they boyh were too shy, and afterwards silence became a habit. and it became even more difficult to speak first.

almost two months have passed since their first meeting. Thomas stood near the coffee shop, smoked and talked to victoria on the phone.

- fuck! ..yes, apparently I fell in love! I have a crush! I'm smitten by a girl! yes, I'm!..maybe... I do not know! leave me alone vic, please! - thomas was fed up with it. he was angry with himself and his lack of confidence, and this conversation did not help, especially at half past seven in the morning

- did you ask her out? damn, thomas! do you even know her name? - the last long drag and he threw the cigarette  into the trash can

- she is fucking perfect, gorgeous, breathtaking and she's doing the best coffee in the world and she is not interested in me in this regard. end of the conversation! - he ran his hand over his face and ruffled his blond hair.

- how she can not being interested in you? have you even tried to talk to her?

- OK vic, I'm done, see you soon

thomas pushed  the red icon on his phone and entered the coffee shop, without even thinking that the girl  behind the counter heard what was happening on the street.

- good morning.  four please - he sat down at the table - she left her hair down  today, looks good ... nah, perfect on her. he thought about the way she smiles every time when she sees him. although he realizes that she is only smiling at him because he is her customer... damn, he seems to be in serious trouble.

- are you okay? you look a bit...

- t-tired? - did she just...spoke to me? -  yes, could not sleep all night

- coffee does not replace sleep, but I hope it will help you

- me too, dolcezza - she's so cute when she blushes. it seems he fell in love even more, if it possible

the guitarist paid, took his four cups of coffee and headed for the door

- thanks, bellezza - thomas raggi, where did you suddenly get so much courage to call her like that? TWICE!? but still not enough courage. he thought to himself

Thomas gave the stand with signed cups  to Damiano, who was sitting in the front seat

- OK,  that's yours - the singer handed the cup to victoria who was sitting in the back of the car with guitarist - ethan, your coffee, and ... O LORD, FOR GOD'S SAKE! THOMAS YOU FINALLY DID IT !

the blond guy looked up sharply from the phone

- What did I....?

- LOOK! - damiano interrupted thomas and handed him the cup. there was complete silence in the car. the guitarist couldn't take his eyes off the writing on the cup of his caramel cappuccino, and the band couldn't take their eyes off his shocked face. there was a phone number written in neat handwriting

- that's might be her phone number ... did she..?. SHE GAVE ME HER FUCKING PHONE NUMBER!!!

thomas would not be thomas if he called or texted  her. at the end of the working day he just came  to a coffee shop with a neon sign.

- good evening - without looking up from work the girl began - what would you... - she finally turned towards the guy standing awkwardly near the door - oh, hi - she looked down and blushed a little. it seems he should have contacted her  during the day

- I'm sorry I didn't text you, I ...

- no, it's okay, I just misunderstood you, I'm sorry, I - the girl wanted to continue, she was interrupted by  thomas's  nervous giggle

- no, don't apologize - he came closer to the counter - I really wanted to text to you .. and offer to take a walk after work .. and find out your name .. from the very first day when I came here -  the guitarist babble quickly, but at the same time with slight pauses between sentences.  his gaze  time traveled from the barista's face to some random item in a coffee shop all the, which could not but make the girl smile

- I'm y/n

By the way, I apologize for the mistakes, as you already understood, English is not my native language

THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE I'M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH IT OMG pls nervous/anxious Thomas is a thing and I love it!!! Pls get your girl, siiiir!!!! Thanks for that, you're amazing!!

- and i don't mind at all, i love reading it!

[artxmisery]

ANSWER THEM A L L L LL LL L H AH HAHHEHAHEHAHAHAHAH HAH AHH AHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAH AHA HAHAHHAHAHA

Here we go! 1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? No reason, in particular, just the fact that my life is a confusing mess.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? Not really, no.

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? Yes, but mostly because I’d be concerned for their safety.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Hell no.

5: What were you doing at 11 PM last night? Failing quite badly at sleep.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? Hopefully a friend.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Cut ties and tell them to do better next time.

8: Are you close with your dad? Eh, relatively.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? God, I wish. Sort of.

10: What are you listening to? The Silent Confessions album by sad boy with a laptop

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Plain old water.

12: Do you like hickeys? Not particularly.

13: What time do you go to bed? Before midnight, if I’m lucky.

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Nope.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? More or less.

16: Do you always answer your texts? In time, yes.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? A minute or two ago.

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Most of my friends tbh.

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I haven’t the foggiest.

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? Nope.

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? Absolutely.

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? For sure.

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? A little bit.

25: In the past week, have you cried? Yep.

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Grey.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? Once in a blue moon, yeah.

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? I hope not.

29: Do you have a best friend? Not one person in particular, no.

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? Not particularly.

31: Who was your last call/text message from? My mum.

32: Are you mad at anyone? Myself.

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? A few times.

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

35: How many more days until your birthday? 167.

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Stay inside. And that’s about it...

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Yeah.

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? Perhaps.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Absolutely.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Not really.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? Depends on the context. Most of the time, yes.

42: Are you available? Quite.

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? A few.

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Nose, probably.

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Absolutely.

46: Do you regret anything? Nearly everything I’ve ever done.

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? Entirely too much.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Sort of, but not really.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? No.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? Assorted reasons, mostly because I’m a coward and it’s complicated.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Yes.

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Yes.

53: What was the last thing you ate? Fried rice with an egg over the top.

54: Did you get any compliments today? Not really.

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? I don’t know yet.

56: Do you own anything from other countries? Quite a bit, even if we’re only talking souvenir-type stuff.

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Guys, I guess.

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Washington.

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? A couple days ago.

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? Once or twice, yeah.

61: Have you ever TP’d someone’s house? House? No.

62: Who do you text the most? Text? My immediate family, probably. Discord, who knows.

63: What was the last movie you saw? I honestly don’t recall, it’s been a long time.

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? Ahahahahaha...

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011? None.

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? Yes.

67: Do you curse around your parents? I try not to.

68: Are you happy with where you live? More or less, but there are definitely places I’d rather live.

69: Picture of yourself? Nah.

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? Depends on the context, but I think that a healthy open relationship could 100% work.

71: Have you ever been dumped? Not really.

72: What do you most like about making out? Physical intimacy.

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? Maybe once? But no, not really.

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? Generally the other.

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? Eyes, most of the time.

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? A friend of mine.

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? Nope.

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? Nope.

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? Depends on the person, but most of the time probably not.

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? A few times.

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? I certainly hope not.

83: Do you miss your last sweetie? A good deal.

84: Last time you slow danced with someone? A couple of months now? I think?

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? Nope.

86: How can I win your heart? Just existing is sufficient most of the time. Kindness helps.

87: What is your astrological sign? Capricorn.

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Failing quite badly at sleep.

89: Do you cook? A few times a week.

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? No.

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? Somewhat, yeah.

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? I generally stick to one relationship to see if it works out.

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? Not many, honestly.

94: Name four things that you wish you had! The ability to shapeshift. Or go back in time. Significantly more money. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

95: Are you a player? Nope.

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? Once or twice

.97: Are you a tease? Sometimes.

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? Don’t think so.

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? Yes.

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? Absolutely.

101: Hugs or Kisses? Hugs.

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? Always.

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their voice, generally.

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? Can be.

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in a relationship, would you go for it? Depends on if I know them and their partner(s). Generally, no.

106: Do you flirt a lot? Sometimes.

107: Your last kiss? It happened, yes.

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? Yes.

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? I wish.

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? [redacted]

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? Nope.

112: Does someone like you currently? I doubt it, but I can hope.

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? Yep.

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious, all the way.

115: Ever made out with just a friend? The ones I have didn’t stay that way long, one way or another.

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? I think it generally goes the other way around, honestly.

117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[rinskiroo]

So this year was a little rough writing wise. I set a goal of 100k, which was only half of what I did last year, and that didn’t pan out. There were some medical issues that popped up, though I passed my cholesterol retest which was the big hurdle so yay. School is still really hard and what takes the majority of my mental and social energies. (I’m not even the one in school!) Those things all ate up the time I usually spend on writing, sadly.

I’m still going to track my words this year, and because the spreadsheet I use requires a goal, I might make it just 50k since I was close to that this year. My main goal is to finish at least one of the long fics I’m working on and to put out 6 one-shots. It’s doable? Maybe? If I finish most of the long fic in the next 3 months? (It’s already 22k words and still feels like it’s just getting started...)

We’re moving again this year. Our time in Japan is ending this summer though we don't know yet where we’re headed next. We’re also going to Thailand! It will be my kids first time there and we’re going to meet some extended family. Great-grandma and my MIL will be traveling with us (translating for us) and enjoying temples, shopping, and ELEPHANTS. :D

I was hoping I’d hit 500 tumblr followers before the new year, but I didn’t want to be weird about it. xD I got close! 495! (Also if I could stop losing AO3 subs cuz wow that’s painful, but eh. Can’t do anything about it except write more, I guess.)

2019 wasn’t too bad, all things considering. In 2009, I was living in England, struggling to get pregnant, and not writing at all. In 2019, I had seen FOUR YEARS of huge creative endeavours and growth, made so many amazing new friends, have two loud and loving boys, LIVING IN JAPAN. MY FUCKING DREAM. I’ve been back to Tokyo twice, Hiroshima (AMAZING CITY), Osaka, Hong Kong, snorkeling in some of the most pristine waters on the planet. I went to Pokemon GO Fest, flew on a C-5, watched my baby brother get married, became an aunt (3x).

Ok so this was about writing and ended up being about my life BUT I hope that you all have a great 2020. May fandom gods smile down upon you, your favorite fics get updates, your tv show gets renewed, your OTP hooks up, you catch the shiny pokemon you want. Also, REGISTER TO VOTE AND THEN DO IT.

[too-attached-to-fiction]

The Mind Palace Arcade - 19.1

Author’s notes:

Hi everyone -

I've been kinda MIA on ao3 lately but we're back with another chapter! I actually haven't been writing much lately because I have presentation finals at my school and google docs has been a little shit for the past week. BUT! This is part two of the Valentines Day arc and I'm very very very excited!!!

I just want to remind you all of our ten comment goal. I know it's a lot to ask for, but it feels like we're having less readers... maybe we should stop switching the update days so often. Even if you comment twice, every single one makes a HUGE difference for me and Clam.

FOR TUMBLR USERS: AO3 link will be in a reblog.

Nox

~~~

Virgil had had enough.

Only 24 hours after Dylan had announced he was going to ask Roman out, Virgil decided he couldn’t deal with it anymore. It seemed as if the two were together at every free moment, and every glance they gave each other made his blood boil.

During one of Dylan’s breaks, Virgil pulled his old friend into the breakdown closet, scowling at him as soon as the door was shut.

“Did you ask him out?��

“Yeah. But-” Virgil seized Dylan’s collar with his hands sharply, before dropping them and taking a step back. His breath was heavy.

“How could you? You knew about Halloween and my feelings for him and you still did it anyways! What happened to friends over everything?” Virgil nearly screamed.

He expected Dylan to be shocked, but instead, Virgil watched a smirk grow on his friend’s face. His anger dissipated into confusion.

“God, you’re dense.” He laughed. “You really think so lowly of me? Have a little faith, Virge.”

“W-what?” Virgil asked, stepping back. “What’s going on?”

“You weren’t going to ask him out, so I did. And you want to know what he said?”

“No, I don’t.” Yes, I do. Virgil thought.

“He said that while he was very flattered, he didn’t like me that way. He likes someone else.”

“B-but... Who? Did he tell you?”

Dylan stared  at Virgil blankly. “Think long and hard about that one, bud.” With that, he patted Virgil on the shoulder and stepped out, leaving Virgil alone.

It can’t be Logan, or Patton… Thomas maybe, but he mentioned going out with someone last week, so probably not… Remy’s unavailable… Virgil’s train of thought sped up. And if it’s not Dylan or Emile, then…

Oh.

Oh.

He really was dense.

~~~

After hours, Patton glanced at Logan, who had moved from his office to keep Patton company as he restocked and decorated the prize counter. Quiet music flowed from the back wall, songs from Patton’s many playlists. Logan’s brows were furrowed as he focused on something on his computer.

He’s cute when he’s focused. Patton thought, noting the way Logan had to push up his glasses every few seconds. He must have stared for a minute, maybe longer. It was a good thing Logan was so buried in his work, otherwise Patton would have turned into a stammering mess.

He tried to remember the last time he’d felt this way about someone. So completely head over heels that he couldn’t think straight. Still, he came up empty, staring down at the little boxes of consternation hearts that he was stocking under the counter.

BE MINE. I <3 U. IM URS. The little candy hearts that adorned the boxes screamed up at Patton.

It made enough sense. Patton had never been this afraid of someone leaving, not since he and Emile moved out. There was just something about Logan that made him want to squeeze tight and never let go.

Logan had been so kind, so patient, so selfless when it came to the Picanis. He gave both of them jobs, tutored Emile at least once a week, and hell, he even showed up to Thanksgiving and ate everything they’d put in front of him. Patton was sure he owed Logan over a dozen favors by now. He also knew that Logan would never hold him accountable for them.

But Logan didn’t know everything. If anything, he knew the bare minimum of what the two brothers had been through. He didn’t understand why they left.

Patton remembered the day they moved out. It still stung. The papers he had to sign were exhausting. As much as he had looked forward to getting out of the house, he couldn’t leave Emile alone with their parents. They did the bare minimum for almost everything, and they never showed up when either of the two brothers needed them most.

They hadn’t even questioned it when Patton brought them the papers. His mother even said that custody was now one less thing to worry about.  

There had been no send off; no goodbyes, no hugs, no kisses, no I-love-you’s, no be-safe’s, not even a wave. Their parents walked back into the house after everything was packed and didn’t come out after that.

When they arrived to their new home, there weren’t any texts asking if they were okay. It was complete radio silence.

The first thing the two brothers did was lie down on apartment floor, looking up at the blank tiled ceiling. “Are things going to get better now?” Emile had asked, and Patton had nearly teared up at his words.

“I hope so, kiddo.”

Even now, Patton hoped that he’d never break the promise he made that day. Things would be better. They had to be.

“You’re awfully quiet this evening.” Logan said, snapping Patton out of his head.

“I didn’t want to distract you.” Patton said with a nervous smile. “You wanna take a break and help me out?”

“Sure.”

~~~

Virgil was on his way out when he spotted Logan and Patton, working together at the prize counter. Both were in their own little world, not noticing Virgil’s heavy footsteps.

Patton was storing all the toys in the prize counter display, humming a random tune, when Logan began to assist without comment. Patton started humming an older sounding song and Logan took the other harmony without question.

As Logan placed miniature hippos in boxes, he started tapping his feet. Patton started swaying his hips slightly. They weren’t synchronized, but neither seemed to care.

At some point, Patton pulled out a toy trumpet smaller than his hand to continue the tune. Logan watched with adoration, a small, fond smile on his face. The notes Patton was playing were clearly wrong, but neither seemed to care.

By now the toys were all put away but neither Logan nor Patton left. Patton fumbled with the trumpet while Logan looked down at the glass counter, counting the candy. Soon, it became obvious to the other that neither had any work to do. Logan leaned against the counter on the wall, Patton sat on the front counter.

Their voices were quiet, too quiet for Virgil to understand what they were saying. But Patton laughed, and he caught Logan laughing as well.

A small sting of bitterness swept through his heart. That could be him and Roman, if only…

Virgil paused the recording on his phone. When they got together, he would send them the video.

~~~

Taglist: 

@rememberfateau-nowoffical @midnight-personal @thelowlysatsuma @bucketsofclams @sleepless-in-starbucks @sanders-sides-crofters @thgjclw @amazing-creepyfloof @max-is-tired

[kachinnate]

these are a few of my faaavorite fics ✨

not that anyone asked for my opinion BUT these are a couple of my… fav deh fics of all time!* they’re all linked to ao3 and i think i have all the authors tagged that i know of that has a tumblr so

*i made this list especially for fics that aren’t, like.. as well known as some of the Popular Fandom Fics, partially bc everyone’s already read them and knows how awesome they are and partially bc otherwise this list would be ten pages long hehe,,, also sorry if you’re seeing this twice, i had to repost bc the links were all broken ?? 

throwing under a readmore bc this is a chunky boy!!!!! keep in mind that these aren’t in any particular order:

in the in-between - chchchchcherrybomb, vinegar-and-glitter (x) [tree bros] – Connor’s turning 27. Evan’s sitting the bar exam. Over and over again. – itsa timeloop au!! i’m not sure if this is a common au or not, but i’ve never read anything else like this before, and ohhhh my god. each chapter is a switch-off from connor’s pov to evan’s pov, and i assume the authors each wrote for one character (?), but oh my god their writing works so well together?? they both have distinct styles and ways of writing but it flows together perfectly,, without spoiling anything, ev and connor’s dynamic in this universe is a lot different to anything else i’ve personally read before, partially because they’re quite a bit older here than in canon (which, while is obviously portrayed, they still are easily recognizable as the characters they are in the musical), and partially because it strays away from the common ‘they’re both misfits/not doing great, but connor is worse for wear and evan has to save him’, which i think is rlly nice.. (also, like, never have i ever considered that evan would want to be a lawyer, but after reading this fic not only am i sold on it but i’m convinced 100% that him being a lawyer could genuinely be fuckin canon) (also also, the evan characterization in this? hands down my favorite out of any fic i’ve ever read tbh) the world building is really incredible too - like, i don’t even want to consider this one a fuckin fic bro because it’s like highkey just this incredible novel?? it also has a completed sequel called it’s always been you (x) that i haven’t finished that takes place after the events of this fic, and so far?? also fucking incredible 15/10 i definitely recommend

lapse - cecropia / @wildflowermonet (x) [tree bros] – “For what it’s worth,” Connor says casually, “I don’t think you should die tonight.” – welcome to another installment of ‘kayla read this and immediately couldn’t think about anything else for a solid consecutive 12 hours’!! evan and connor have really wonderful characterizations in this one too - i’m pretty sure i’ve elaborated on it before but literally my favorite thing is when people actually write evan as more than an anxious kid, and omg this author did that perfectly asfjkdsg - you can see the subtle Growth as he gets more comfortable with connor and jared (and all the other deh characters too bc this fic has a lovely fOUND FAMILY FINISH AT THE END EEE) and it’s just. aaaah. *heart eyes emoji*. it’s set in their senior year, and they form an unsteady friendship and learn to lean on each other and figure out the whole ‘having friends’ thing, midway through evan realizes he’s a-pinin’, it’s just. Great. this fic is relatively new too i think so u def def def should go give it a read and give the author some love!!!!!!!!!!!

to have a friend - demistories / @transanabeth (x) [tree bros] – Pretend to be friends with Connor Murphy, who yells at people and skips class to smoke and pushes people and threw a printer in the second grade, for twenty dollars a week.

Evan closes his hand around the bill and then stuffs it into his pocket.

“I-I’ll do it.” – ok this is one of, if not, the first fic i’ve ever read coming into the fandom, so it of course has a rlly special place in my heart!! it’s a classic ‘fake dating au’, also with switching povs between chapters. connor offers evan 20$ a week to be his fake friend, almost follows through with the events of the musical but doesn’t, finds out about evan’s own attempt, and they just sorta… cope together. it’s a lot of second guessing bc neither of them knows if the other considers the other a friend or not, and ofc when the fake dating part comes in that gets amplified by 10 asdfghj. honestly i think it’s a cooler approach to the fake dating au troupe (the chapter titles are increments of 20$, which honestly is equally cruel as is creative) and is so!! heartwrenching!!! it’s been a while since i’ve read it but i’m pretty sure that i bawled at the twist so >’D

the only thing is that this fic isn’t finished and there isn’t an intention for it to be finished from what i know of(?) - the author included a brief synopsis of the ending to tie loose ends and give a sort of closure to the fic, but that absolutely doesn’t take away from how freaking incredibly written it is and doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a read anyway !! i kept up with it while it was a WIP and honestly every time i got the email notification that it updated i dropped everything to fuckin read that shit 😤😤 when i think of deh fics, this is honestly just one of the first that comes to mind for me just bc it was one of the first ones i’ve read, and it just… was so good that i still think about it months after i read the last chapter safkjasf

no comfort in the truth - @nothingunrealistic (x) [kleinsen] – Like everyone in the world, Evan has the last words his soulmate will ever say to him on his skin.

Evan hears a lot of last words during his senior year. – okay if this were an accurate list i’d literally have every drabble soph has ever written down on here but that is entirely beside the point

literally knowing beforehand that this is a kleinsen fic and then reading the summary, u kno this shit is going to be painful ,, honestly this style is one of my fave fic formats (especially when it comes to writing in the canon deh universe) because like ,, it’s simplistic but works really well as a story-telling method?? not everything has to be perfectly strung together and every day doesn’t have to be written out for it to still convey the same like.. impact as a super long fic would, and honestly writing it in like flashes or snippets makes the build up that much more anticipating? bc again when u write within the events of the musical it’s not like u don’t know what’s going to happen,, u can focus less on worldbuilding bc hey, it’s already done for u, and instead write more indepthly about the topic of the soulmate au!! but uhhh REGARDLESS soph is literally the kleinsen matriarch in my eyes, they always write evan and jared w/ Perfect characterization and dynamics and just Ah! this one is angsty, but it has a v nice and hopeful ending, and i *clutches heart* love,,,

nowhere else i’d rather be:  nosecoffee / @nose-coffee​​ (x) [tree bros] – A fake dating au where they’re next door neighbours, Evan bakes, and Connor’s already a little in love with Evan anyway – this one is a series - the first fic kinda Establishes stuff and the second one gets into the whole fake dating thing!! they live in apartments next to each other, evan bakes for connor, they go campin with connor’s family, it’s just….. rlly sweet and i love it

also, it contains this hilarious bit that i haven’t been able to forget about despite finding this fic months ago:

do me a favour - can your heart rate rise a little? - nosecoffee / @nose-coffee​ (x) [treebros]

an au where the hansen family owns an arcade….. honestly what more can i say?? it’s slowburn and treebros and i p much love everything that nosecoffee has written ever so this is no exception obviously

jared and connor vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known - caswell @techconsigliere , puglebug @puglebug (x) [kleinphy] – Jared is admitted to group therapy following the divorce of his mother from his asshole father. What he doesn’t anticipate is that Connor would be there, too. – THE KLEINPHY CONTENT WE ALL DESERVE BEING PROVIDED TO US BY CJ AND EZRA!!! it’s a one-shot with just enough slowburn to keep you 👀 , jared is working through some stuff and after some fumbling connor is w/ him to help him thru it, the end of this fic has my heart aching the entire way through every time i read it and it’s just… *chefs kiss* (i even drew some fanart for it if you’re ever so inclined)

forever going with the flow, but you’re friction - lizzy_stardust_18 @delightfullyanachronistic​ (x) [band trees] – Zoe knew that of all of the things that her mother had expected from the evening, Evan Hansen showing up at her door with his arms full of her drunken daughter was not one of them. – big bet i wasn’t getting through this list without including fiona’s fics, are u crazy??? BUT this one is set a year (?) after the events of canon, zoe’s at a party and evan finds her, and they talk about stuff n’ things - there’s also a sweet moment in there between zoe and cynthia (in which cynthia is Rightfully Skeptical of evan) which is v wholesome and Refreshing because honestly the murphy parents never get written in a good light and fiona does it ~ perfectly ~. lotsa metaphors. evan and zoe are big dorks. evan is a taylor swift stan. what isn’t there to love

i can’t call you a stranger, but i can’t call you up - lizzy_stardust_18 - @delightfullyanachronistic (x) [kleinsen] – Jared fiddled his thumbs. He wished more than anything that he could move to a different seat, but causing a scene at Heidi Hansen’s wedding reception wasn’t exactly high on his to-do list. Besides, he was an adult. He had a job. He ate ramen only three times a week. He could handle a simple social interaction like a real human being. He was lucky that no one else had found their seats at his table yet. It gave him time to gather his wits about him. He drummed his fingers on the table nervously. – jared and evan are forced to talk after the events of canon via sitting next to each other at heidi’s wedding. they argue a bunch bc jared is still rightfully hurt, they discuss TCP and jared’s treatment of evan over the past couple years, they fight it out and then we learn some jared backstory and then there are tears and it ends on a fluffy + hopeful note!! good shit !!!!

[eldritchsurveys]

201.

What's your name? >> Mordred.

What time is it right now? >> 2.08p EST.

When were you born? >> 6.30p EST.

Who are you closest to in your family? >> No one. As far as I’m concerned, I was hatched and grown in a lab.

What is the closest green item to you? >> An Andes candy. (The wrapper, specifically.)

Would you rather text people or talk to them on the phone? >> I’d much rather text.

What program on your computer do you use the most? >> Google Chrome.

Do you have a cat? >> I don’t, but Sparrow does, and unfortunately that means I have to live with him too.

What is your middle name backwards? >> Yerf.

How often do you visit this website? >> tumblr? Just about daily.

Are you a good speller? >> I am.

Are you good at baking cupcakes? >> I am not.

Do you currently have a job? >> No.

What year did you/will you graduate in? >> I graduated in 2004.

Do you have your drivers liscence? >> Nope.

Does it take you long to fall asleep at night? >> Sometimes, but usually I fall asleep within an hour of laying down.

Do you think other people consider you a flirt? >> I can’t imagine where they’d even get such an impression.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? >> Ready for what? To sit on the couch? Pfft.

Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? >> I don’t think plastic surgery could give me what I want.

Do you smoke pot? >> Not anymore.

Who is your hero in life? >> I don’t have one of those.

What is your favorite breed of dog? >> Pitbulls.

Where is your favorite place to go out to eat? >> I don’t have one.

How long have you known your best friend? >> ---

What are your thoughts on abortion? >> I don’t really have thoughts on it. Like, I don’t care about the moral debate. I think it’s good that it’s legal and I hope it stays that way, and that’s all.

When do you think the world is going to end? >> I don’t believe in that concept.

Do you think there are aliens out there? >> I mean, my definition of “life” is pretty broad, so sure.

Do you believe in God? >> No.

Are you still a virgin? >> No.

Are you comfortable with our current goverment? >> No.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? >> Hm.

Are you a fan of anime? >> I never really got into it the way a lot of people did, but there are some anime I enjoy.

What kind of cell phone do you have? >> Moto g5 or something.

What color do you want your next car to be? >> ---

Can you type without looking at the keys? >> Yes.

How much money do you have on you right now? >> I don’t carry cash.

Do you smoke? >> No.

How tall are you? >> 5′5″ or so.

What is your favorite Christmas movie? >> It’s a Wonderful Life.

Do you celebrate your pet's birthdays? >> ---

Would you consider yourself selfish? >> Well, sure.

What kind of mood are you in right now? >> I’m not really in a mood.

Name your favorite song from the 80's. >> I... can’t possibly do that.

Are you a fan of Spongebob Squarepants? >> No, I never really liked it.

Do you like fruits or vegetables more? >> Vegetables, generally.

How much time a week do you spend watching TV? >> Maybe 6 hours altogether? Sometimes a couple more.

Do you play any sports? >> No.

Who was your last text message from? >> Nurx.

Do you like Taylor Swift? >> Not particularly.

Do you enjoy going grocery shopping? >> Not particularly.

Do you like skim milk? >> No.

Name two people in your life that mean the most to you. >> Can Calah means the most to me and that’s that.

Do you like short surveys or long ones better? >> I like them on the longer side, but there is a limit.

Are you a Facebook addict? >> No. I deleted facebook.

Have you ever appeared on television? >> Yeah, as a child.

Do you like to read? >> Yes.

What is your favorite kind of cookie? >> Pecan shortbread and thin mints.

Do you have any kids of your own? >> No.

What was your first job? >> Restaurant.

Do material things matter to you? >> Sure. I like stuff, I just don’t like an excess of it.

Where is your favorite city? >> New Orleans.

What was your last dream about? >> I don’t remember now.

Are you currently going to college? >> No.

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? >> V.

Do you shop at Wal-Mart? >> Sometimes.

Do you usually have good luck? >> I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to whether my luck seems good or not.

Do you get bored easily? >> I’m prone to restlessness, which I guess is a kind of boredom.

What annoys you the most about other people? >> Hm.

Are you currently in a relationship? >> I am in relationships of varying types.

Have you ever been drunk before? >> Yes.

Are you afraid of flying? >> Not at all, I love it.

Have you ever been bitten by an animal (not an insect)? >> No.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? >> Yeah.

Are you good at drawing? >> Not to my standard.

How many text messages do you think you send in one month? >> Like... five or ten.

Have you ever had a stalker? >> No. Unless they were a really good stalker and I was never aware of them.

What grosses you out the most? >> Oh, I don’t know.

How much sleep do you get every night? >> Anywhere from 4 to 9 hours.

When's the last time you threw up? >> Last year sometime.

What is your idea of the perfect date? >> ---

Are you more of a morning or night person? >> I think I’m more into mornings than nights these days.

Can you speak more than one language? >> No.

Do you own anything from Hollister? >> No.

Do you stereotype people? >> I’m sure I do. I just try not to base my whole opinion of a stranger based on flawed pattern-recognition metrics.

Are you immature for your age? >> I don’t bloody know, man. It’s not a concern of mine.

Are you afraid of spiders? >> Not at all.

Are you tired right now? >> I was more tired before, but I’m all right now.

What was the last thing you ate? >> A few cookies.

What is your favorite flavor of milkshake? >> Cookies and cream.

Have you ever seen the movie Rent? >> Yeah, a while ago.

Who is your favorite celebrity? >> I don’t know.

What's the highest number you've counted to out loud? >> I... don’t know?

What is your favorite video game? >> ---

Do you wear contacts or glasses? >> No.

Are you looking forward to summer this year? >> Yes, for the weather if nothing else.

Do you have trouble letting go of the past? >> Maybe? Some aspects of it. Things that never got resolved.

Do you like your hair better straight or curly? >> ---

Do you wish you would grow taller? >> No.

Do your parents make you do chores? >> ---

Have you ever been to the circus? >> No.

What's the longest word you know? >> I have no idea.

Do you use teeth whitener? >> No.

Do you keep your room neat and clean? >> I try.

Can you count to ten in French? >> I remember some of the numbers but not all.

Do you think war is an acceptable way of solving problems? >> I think it’s certainly one strategy. Whether it’s the right one or not is best figured out by people that aren’t me.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Bob? >> No.

Do you have a little sister? >> No.

Do you speak with an accent? >> Everyone does, to someone. So, yes.

We're you a bad child when you were younger? >> No.

Do you get grumpy often for no reason? >> I’m prone to irritability because of mental illness, yeah.

Do you want to have kids/more kids in the future? >> No.

What is your dream career? >> No.

Do you iron your clothes? >> Nope.

Do you like to go tanning? >> I don’t need to go tanning.

Are you the type of person who likes to party a lot? >> No.

Would you consider your family "rich"? >> ---

Are you addicted to sugar? >> No. I was raised in a sugar-free household so I never really developed a sweet tooth.

Have you ever tried using a dating website? >> Yeah, often.

What's the weirdest food you've ever eaten? >> I don’t know.

What is/was your favorite class in school? >> ---

What is your favorite type of exercise? >> DDR.

Do you believe in getting revenge on someone who's hurt you? >> Do I believe in it...? I mean, if that’s what someone wants to do, far be it for me to stop them. I’m just not interested in revenge, myself. I don’t have the patience or the motivation.

Do you live near any volcanoes? >> No.

Name one word that you always have trouble pronouncing. >> I can’t think of one, but whatever it is, it’s probably in Irish.

Have you ever ridden in a taxi? >> Yes.

What's your favorite color? >> Gold.

Would you rather use crayons or colored pencils? >> Coloured pencils. I never liked crayons.

Have you ever had a migraine? >> Nope.

Tell me something about yourself that you don't normally tell people. >> If I don’t normally share it, it’s for a good reason.

Have you ever served in the military? >> No. I’d literally rather die.

What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? >> Veggie burger and chips.

Do you go to the gym? >> No.

Do you know how to write HTML? >> More or less. I know a lot of it has changed since I last wrote code, but I have enough of a background in it to figure it out.

What is your favorite book? >> Right.

Do you have any songs that seem to fit your life perfectly? >> Yeah, but not because of lyrics or anything. They just sound right.

How many concerts have you been to? >> So many.

Have you ever tried "planking"? >> Not that kind. I’ve done planks as exercise though.

Do you shop at Hot Topic? >> Yep.

Are you confident with your appearance? >> I just don’t think about my appearance a whole lot. I’m not trying to be sexually appealing and I don’t work in an industry where my appearance matters, so I really don’t have much reason to care what I look like outside of just being clean and presentable.

Do you have trouble sitting still for long periods of time? >> Now I do. I was great at it as a child, but I get restless too easily now.

Do you use the alarm clock on your phone or do you have an actual alarm? >> If I ever need an alarm I just use my phone.

Is your internet connection fast? >> It’s passable.

Do you enjoy snow? >> Not much anymore.

What are your initials? >> MD. 

Are you paranoid of other people talking about you behind your back? >> Not usually.

Are you germaphobic? >> No.

Do you get along with your parents? >> ---

Have you ever had food poisoning? >> Yeah, twice.

Are you impatient? >> Sometimes.

What is your favorite thing to put on a sandwhich? >> It depends on what I’m in the mood for.

Do you trust yourself with big responsibilities? >> I guess? I mean, who else am I gonna trust?

Do you like long car rides? >> Not really. I like the travelling aspect, but I don’t like the “being folded up in a vehicle for long periods of time without being able to move” aspect.

How often do you shower? >> Twice a week.

Do you consider yourself a bully? >> No.

Who were you last mad at and why? >> I don’t remember.

Are your parents currently togther? >> They never were.

Do you find the rain calming? >> Sometimes.

What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? >> Vanilla bean, I guess.

Do you follow football? >> No.

Have you ever had an emotional breakdown? >> Yes. It still amazes me that there are people walking around that have never had one, ever. Wild.

Do you think tomorrow will be a good day for you? >> I can’t predict the future.

Are you in a good mood? >> I’m not in a mood at all, which is good enough for me.

[helloiliketits]

There is only one Spiderman (Peter Parker x Reader)

Summary: Reader is just a normal kid. Like you and me. Friends with the one and only Pooter Porker Peter Parker and just really feisty and find it difficult to bolt away from danger. Which almost gives our little lovestruck Spider a heart attack more often than not.

(This has been in my drafts since last year so its outdated, also english is not my native language)

Reader: Of any color

Warnings: Just me kissing ass because I love you, some fluff, some angst but not too much because I dont play like that, also there are some vine references, and the words “b*tch”

(I listened to Tchaikovsky while writing this and honestly each piece syncs so well with this gif, bless the creator)

Sure, he may be a web slinging superhero on the side, but Peter Parker was still a little nerd and had crushes on cute people like everybody else.

Specially someone as cute as you. No one could resist you. Not even our cliche school bitch bully, Flash Thompson. You were a bit of an introvert and would rather spend your time reading fanfics on Tumblr and having some fun times with a few friends but you did have some sudden bursts of confidence here and there. 

It all started when you were new to the Midtown High School. Being a new student already gets you ton of attention. Pair that with your incredible personality and you might have just swallowed a magnet because of how much people are attracted to you. Whether you like it or not. You were practically the Ruby Rose of Midtown High. Everyone liked you instantly. Boys, girls, plants, even a god damn piece of paper would NOT politely detach itself from your shoe during Science class and you’re pretty sure you heard a girl in the room say “Me asf” while you tried to yank it off as the class just basked in your pure presence. You had people feeling ~some type of way~ okay?

So it comes as no surprise that Flash Thompson was equally attracted to you and wanted to date you even if it’s just for the rights to brag because *rolls eye* Flash. You on the other hand, had heard enough about his shenanigans through some of your friends and thought it was best to avoid him.

But isn’t fate a comical thing? You’re on your way to your next class and there he is, shoving our precious cinnamon roll, Peter into a locker while Ned watches anxiously. Sad to see his friend stuffed into a locker while also not wanting to go through the same thing. Peter just sighs and does nothing while Flash and his minions are tucking his legs into the tiny space of the locker which probably doesn’t even belong to Peter, judging from another kid standing next to the group of jocks, obviously not there to witness a "cool" fight but also not friends with Peter enough to care about his state right now. "Guys can't you stuff him in somebody else's locker?" the guy huffs, but generally does nothing to stop them. You guess it's because he doesn't want to get hip checked into the small space with Peter as if they're playing "seven minutes in heaven" (but it lasts as long as it takes for someone to finally rescue their asses). So, you decide to step in. "Flash!" you holler. That definitely gets his attention and he turns around quickly, running his palms through his hair to "style" it and leans against the now closed locker door, grinning. As if there isn’t a very antsy Peter Parker just inside, praying to whoever was listening, that he make it to AP Physics in time.

“Y/N!” he grins, opening his arms for a hug. “Cut the shit, Thompson of a bitch. Let that kid out,” you test. There’s a mix of “ooh”s and “aah”s from the students in the hallway as Flash’s smile falters for a brief second, obviously not used to being talked to like that, but he just crosses his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow.

“Why don’t you run back to snow white, dwarf-o,” one of his friend teases but before you can get the “I am the perfect height to punch you in the nuts, and I will,” Flash collects his ‘bros’ with a “woah-woah, guys” and bangs on the locker twice and leaves with his group. But not before giving you a wink (which you scoff at).

The hustle and bustle of the hallway continues as the onlookers suddenly get hit with the reminder that they need to be in class. You do too. So, you rush to the locker and throw it open, to let a very confused Peter Parker out. You see that the inside of the locker is... well, hygienically challenged but that’s a teenage boy’s with god knows how many dirty socks and raunchy magazines buried inside so you avert your focus to his scrunched eyebrows and his mouth hanging open instead.

Don’t get him wrong, he’s very grateful but also slightly mad at you for being cute and nice! How dare you be so attractive!? God damn it, Y/N! Now his attraction has increased tenfold! He mutters a faint “Thanks”, flustered beyond his wits and you give him a kind smile that has his heart beating all the way up to his head. He’s damn near frozen.

.And now that’s the origin story of you two. Of course, Peter couldn’t keep his eyes and distance away from you and would “observe” you whenever you were in the room. 

Which was almost always. 

Because he followed you there. 

Which Ned states as “stalking” but Peter describes it as “checking her out up on her”.  [Yeah, ok, Pete!1!1!] 

Much to Peter’s delight, you guys practically lived in the same building so Peter had twelve hundred (and more) excuses to walk you home. Ofcourse, Spider duties remained but that was more of an after-school activity. And it’s not like the neighborhood was jam packed with crime 24x7. Sometimes his “job” required simply patrolling and the most action he saw was a woman dump a milkshake on her (no longer) boyfriend’s head.

One slightly unfortunate day, as you and Peter were trudging up the streets, complaining about school, a VERY clear, sharp scream of a woman echoed nearby! Now THAT’S a job for Spiderman! But, like, you were RIGHT there! So it’s not like he could rain drop, drop top, roll and whip out his spider suit in the middle of the street, kiss you on the cheek and zoom zoom away,

You both exchanged a brief, wide eyed gaze of absolute shock as you both ran in separate direction, wasting no time. By the time Spiderman had arrived to the scene, there was no woman but there was a homeless guy holding a knife towards none other than our lovely protagonist! (das you, bruh) 

“Go for it, shit! I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me!” You shout, as Spiderman skrrt skrrts his web and webs the bad guy to the wall before he can touch your spaghett, landing on his feet infront of you with HALF a mind to grab you by the shoulders and shake you like a drink being made by a barista, the other half of him wanted to reach out and absolutely fecken high five you! “Er, good job. Go home, it isn’t safe here” is all he can choke out in his fake “I came from the mid-west, howdy, I’m the man!” accent before catapulting himself off the alleyway [its always alleyways, God, they’re the hub for all bad shit! So predictable too! Take your mugging somewhere unexpected, man! Throw the heroes off guard! Do you even business, bro?]

Back in your apartment building, as you turn the corner practically skipping, a pair of surprisingly strong hands suddenly grab you and pull you so hard, that all your hair holds a Met Gala at the front of your face, curtaining your view from the one and only Peter Dorker, “Are you crazy! Why’d you do that!?” he yells at you

Completely not giving a feck about not giving out spoilers (*cough* tom *cough*) Why’d you do WHAT!? He wasn’t even there! What’s he talking about!

But right now all you’re focused on is the fact that this random ass bish is grabbing your shoulders like some fecken tentacle and- “You ran away! Someone had to do something!”

He barks, “WOMAN I WAS TRYIN  That’s Spiderman’s job! When you hear trouble, you turn and you run the other way! There’s people who will handle this kind of-”

But before he can get another lecture in, “I helped a lady today! There’s only ONE spiderman, Peter! And he can’t be there for us all the time! It’s NOT his duty- He is NOT obligated to cleanse the streets of Queens! Our work is NOT to turn the other way and hope somebody else does the dirty work! He’s here to HELP and we need to PARTICIPATE! We need to do OUR part WHEN we CAN!” you shout, face all red and sweaty, huffing out, trying not to crack into a smile, proud at yourSELF because damn, that speech was GOOD. You huff, contemplating if you should let him EAT it or just go to your room and head bang over the fact that you got noticed by Spiderman! 

Taking one last look at a very open mouthed Peter, you walk around him and into your apartment as he just stands there, frozen like a chicken pizza at Walgreens. 

He lets out a long, loud breath! How could you be so STUBBORN! This was for YOUR safety! Unless you’re on top of Nick Fury’s “to recruit into Avengers” list, you don’t just go bursting into alleyways in the name of saving people! That’s DANGEROUS! He can’t lose you to some heroic-shit-gone-wrong!

But Peter also felt RELIEVED! For the first time in YEARS, he felt content! You were right! There is only one Spiderman! And no he can’t be there to fight crime every second of the day! And while that ate Peter alive every waking moment of his life, he was also glad that there were good natured people like you in this world! Ones who stood up for somebody and didn’t wait for somebody else! He felt a lot better, realizing that he didn’t have to do this alone! He didn’t have to do it all! He wasn’t expected to do it all!

Peter walked to his apartment, head lowered, hiding his grin. God, he loved you!

[melancholyandphilosophy-blog]

A little bit about Me

It’s 1:21am on a Monday morning and I can’t sleep. That’s nothing new. Sleep is one of many things I’ve fought with over my lifetime, along with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, sexual assault, losing and finding myself over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, we all have our battles. I don’t think I have it any worse or any better than anybody else, but I do think I may have analyzed and understood its depths a little better. All my life I’ve asked “why?”, and just when I think I’ve solved one problem, another one arises. I never stop questioning. It’s a blessing and a curse.

To be honest, I think it’s mostly a curse. Trying to understand in a world that is under no obligation to be understood. Trying to make sense of chaos. I am grateful, though, that I see things the way that I do. You’ll begin to understand why.

I think I’m fairly special. I think we should all think that of ourselves; if we don’t, who will? I’m learning the true meaning of speaking things into existence and along with that, the value of patience. We underestimate the power of our minds. We’re raised to ignore a lot of the signs and signals our bodies and the universe give us. We’re smarter than we think we are. I hope times change and we relearn the importance of communicating with our inner self, and working from the inside outward. Filling our cup before we try to pour water for someone else, and replenishing our own supply when we’ve run dry.

A little bit about Me.

I want to tell you the good things as well as the bad but I have to be honest, I don’t have very many happy memories from about age 12 to 19. I had a wonderful childhood with my two older sisters, my younger brother, and my best friend who lived next door. All of the laughs and love we shared have lumped into one heartwarming, longing memory of mine.

Most of my memories are sad. I read something once a long time ago that explained how humans retain the strongest memories when they felt the most emotion (hence, why I still vividly remember walking out of the school bathroom on the first day of grade nine with toilet paper stuck to my shoe because I was SO embarrassed, I haven’t let myself live it down). I have felt a lot of intense sadness, confusion, apathy, and anger in my lifetime. I’m not so depressed anymore because I’ve come to know myself very well through all of the ups and downs, but we’ll get there.

The first time I cut myself was in grade five. I took my mom’s sewing scissors to my wrist. I knew they were sharp enough because one of my sisters had accidentally cut herself with them years before. I don’t recall feeling particularly sad until after I drew blood; I think initially I was just curious.

My curiosity (and borderline fascination) with pain and death stuck with me from a very young age. When I would hear of deaths in the news I would wait until my parents had gone to bed to get online and read about it. I watched horrors and thrillers and crime shows. I wondered what would come after life and I concluded that it must be eternal blackness. I didn’t believe in God or an afterlife because life was too painful and cruel to think that there was some greater good purpose behind it all.

The night before my grade eight graduation I got my first period. Everything went downhill quickly after that. I’m specifically mentioning the beginning of puberty because I think it’s connected to my fall into depression, and it’s something I’ll probably blog about later. Scientists neglected to research women’s health until recent years with our progression towards equality. I think puberty effects young women’s emotional health much more than we give credit for. Even still, at 21 years of age, I tussle with suicidal thoughts for one week out of every month. Without proper sex education and open discussion about mental illness, our daughters are in danger. The dawn of puberty was a very dark time for me.

I remember the very first time my laugh felt hollow. I was in class with my best friend, we were joking around the way we always did and we laughed until tears but something didn’t feel right inside of me. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t experience any joy. I felt empty. I started relating to dark music and depression blogs on Tumblr where I’d find posts that seemed to describe the way I felt better than I could. Posts such as someone taking off a smiling mask to reveal their “true self”, a face of agonizing despair. I began to draw as an outlet for my overwhelming emotions. That and basketball were the only things keeping me sane.

When I was in grade nine, articles surfaced about someone my age from another province who took her own life. It stuck with me ever since. I read every article there was to read, and following that I researched the most effective ways to kill oneself. Shortly thereafter, I tried to drown myself.

When suicide didn’t work, I tried to take control over something easier to grasp. I stopped eating. I consciously ate a granola bar every third day. I collapsed on the basketball court due to malnutrition and was taken to a dietician. I saw her a few times and convinced everyone that I was cured. Now, I was eating to feed my families concerns, just to run away and spit/puke up much of my food.

I hated myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I sat up until 4 and 5 in the morning every night staring at the wall, inaudibly sobbing, cutting my inner thighs just to feel something. Eventually, I stopped crying at all. I stopped feeling altogether. I was perpetually numb, I was angry and confused and waiting for it all to end. One thought ran through my brain all day, every. single. day. “I'd rather be dead.”

I got caught up in a dead-end relationship throughout high school. My friends and family would ask me what I was doing and I would dismiss their concern because I really thought I was in love. Looking back now, I don’t recognize the girl I was in that relationship and at that time in my life. I endured a series of unfortunate events that all convinced me that I was worthless, nothing more than a piece of meat for a man’s pleasure. I was used, abused, manipulated.

I’ve always been afraid to write or talk about these things in fear of hurting the people who hurt me. That’s really fucked up, actually, that after all the pain they’ve caused me I will still worry about their wellbeing more than my own. With that said, my suffering doesn’t dissipate the love I had for these people. I have a soft and forgiving heart, but it is beaten and bruised and it’s ready to be free. Sexual abuse has haunted me for 8 years now. It has affected me in many ways that, when I find the bravery, I will discuss later in order to shed light on just how harmful it is to its victims. It’s not always a drunken encounter; in fact, quite often sexual assault occurs within relationships. Looking the first person you ever loved in the eyes and choking out the words “you’re raping me” for them to carry on until you black out will inevitably change a person.

I didn’t allow myself time to think about what had happened to me. I didn’t process my pain, I refused to accept what had happened. Instead, I fell in love again, this time intensely. This was a love I’d never known; one of respect, admiration, passion, lust, and everything else wonderful. When this was abruptly stripped from me, I mourned the loss of both of my relationships at once. I felt so small and so alone. I stopped eating, attending school, sleeping, socializing. I hooked up with strangers to feel like for a moment, someone wanted me. I was lost, and that was nobody’s fault but my own because I constantly relied on other people to provide me happiness that I couldn’t find within. I tried to kill myself twice more.

I am lucky to be alive. Lucky and so thankful. I don’t want to detail my suicide attempts because the people who are likely to resonate the most with this post are the people who, similarly to my past self, will make a mental note of those details for future reference. I am absolutely not here to tell you how to hurt yourself; I’m here for the exact opposite. I’m here to tell you why I thank God everyday that it never worked for me. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone, and to help you interpret feelings you might not understand yet. I’m here to tell you how everything hurts until one day it doesn’t anymore, and suddenly you realize you’ve been living a more fulfilling life than you’ve ever known without even recognizing your own strength. I proudly remind myself of how strong I am. I’ve survived years of fighting with myself mentally and physically. I’ve made it to 21 years old when I didn’t think I’d even see 16, and moreover, i’ve learned to count my blessings and appreciate the sick, twisted, strikingly beautiful life I’ve been given.

So that’s a little bit about me. That’s the short story of why I’ve become who I’ve become -- a hopeful young lady with endless potential, a deep understanding of pain and a burning desire to help others feel less alone. Throughout everything I’ve been through I looked for answers to wherein lies some fleeting desire to keep living, and I’ve finally found it. Maybe i’m just venting out all the things I’ve been afraid to say aloud. Maybe this is just free therapy for me. Hopefully at least one person will relate and find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their struggles.

My posts won’t be this dark in the future. Besides, looking back gets you nowhere. We’re looking forward with optimism. This is my story of love and loss, disconsolation and vitality, confusion and clarity. This is my story of recovery.

[minaminokyoko]

The Incredibles II (A Spoilertastic Review)

Oh, there’s just something special about the feeling you get when you wait an extremely long time for something and it’s completely worth it. It’s rare, especially in films. Most of the time an ultra-late sequel is a cheap cash-in that gets rid of all the original movie’s charming aspects and just regurgitates nostalgia all over your face in the hopes that you’ll mistake it for quality. However, one thing I appreciate about Disney/Pixar’s collaborative films is that for the most part, they give a damn. They don’t always (*side eyes the Cars franchise*) but when they give a damn, they give a good goddamn.

I’m in the camp with many people who would argue The Incredibles is Disney/Pixar’s best film. Granted, I also waffle back and forth between Incredibles and Toy Story 3, but I’d be happy to say either film wins the title as their Best in Show. Thus, the bar is set extremely high for the sequel, and I can see why D/P would be hesitant to follow up what is not only their best film, but a film so well written and executed that it stands toe to toe with some of the best superhero stories period, like Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Avengers, or The Dark Knight. 14 years is a long damn time (almost reaching the infamous Syndrome line of “15 years too late”) but I can happily say they weren’t just sitting on their hands. They actually knocked it out of the park and made a worthy sequel, leaving the ending open enough for a third film if they so desire to go after it.

Overall Grade: A-

Pros:

-Well, any of you who know me know what’s got to go here first: Helen fucking Parr. She was already a bomb ass bitch in the first movie when she infiltrated the facility to rescue Bob, and then throughout the rest of the movie busting heads protecting her family. They take Helen Parr’s general badassery from a 10 and crank it up to 10,000. Helen is ridiculously talented, sharp, acrobatic, intelligent, and amazingly adaptable. It was an absolute joy to watch her on missions. She wowed me over and over again with how she handled the emergencies that came about because of the Screenslaver. Helen is a force to be reckoned with. I love her genuine enthusiasm and confidence. I love that she knew something felt off about the missions even though she was just a little too trusting to stop our villain before she got to her. I’m really excited to know that little girls are going to grow up with this three dimensional badass mom out there breaking glass ceilings and subverting expectations. Helen Parr is the best of the best and no one can touch her. That’s the biggest takeaway I had for this movie. I appreciate her in a whole new way after seeing what she’s capable of just on her own.

-Married to Helen’s badassery is the action sequences. Wow, wow, wow. From Jack-Jack fighting a freaking raccoon in a death battle to the final Avengers-style climax, Incredibles II rocks it with some truly inspired fight scenes and chase scenes. I loved it. I wish I wasn’t broke right now so I could go right back in and see it again. It’s some fantastic action from start to finish, and each piece is well thought out and well staged. It’s never too close and it doesn’t cut away. You’re in the front seat for all of it and it’s incredibly engrossing, to use an inevitable pun.

-The return of Edna Mode. I was worried that since she was somewhat of an Ensemble Darkhorse in the first movie that they wouldn’t be able to make her as funny and charming as her first appearance, but I fell right back in love with Edna in this film. She’s just fantastic. I was in tears when Bob came back for Jack-Jack and the baby was actually mirroring Edna, and Edna loved him so much that she gave the baby clearance to her design lab. It was just the cherry on top of an already wonderful sundae. God bless Edna and Jack-Jack’s interactions. It was just too funny.

-Bob learning to be a stay-at-home dad, while cliché, was amusing and ultimately (mostly) heartwarming. The exhaustion was just so realistic and I know there were some hearty guffaws from the parents in the audience of my theater last night seeing his antics with the kids. I really did feel for him when he collapsed on the couch next to Violet and admitted he just wanted to be a good dad. It hit me right in the heartstrings, as I’ve spent many a late night on the couch with my exhausted father in the past. Bob also got a bit of development in terms of setting an example for the kids and not letting his impulsive nature get the best of him, i.e. with the car.

-The heroes that were gathered together for the climax. I really enjoyed seeing their different powers. None of them were anything I’d never seen before, but I just appreciate how each of them were used and presented a damn credible threat. I also like the smaller touches of their designs, like how I’m pretty sure the little belcher guy was an homage to Ernest Borgnine (who sadly passed away in 2012) and the crusher guy I think was an homage to Mike Tyson (but don’t quote me on that, he looked like him to me). I loved Void and I have a prediction from my time on Tumblr that she’ll be the new fan favorite aside from the villain Evelyn. They were colorful and competent and interesting, and I’d love to see them in the next movie if there is one.

-Violet was both more and less annoying here than in her first appearance. I don’t know if I can put it into words, but I’ll try. In the first movie, she was weak and whiny, and while she ended up becoming competent, I was still sort of just irritated by her. She’s still whiny here, but at least she’s not weak. She had a reason to be upset and it’s good that she stepped up to the plate when it was time to go to work. My suggestion is that they go ahead and do a time skip if they choose to make a third movie so she can outgrow her irritating preteen qualities and be a full blown early adult to resolve those lingering things about her that annoy me. Just let her grow up already and I think she’ll be a fine character on her own.

-Jack-Jack in general was handled brilliantly. I didn’t get tired of the slapstick. He was genuinely surprising the entire time and it almost makes me wonder how they’re going to proceed with him in the future because once he grows up, he might be the most powerful Super we’ve ever seen at all. I mean, someone’s going to do a count of how many abilities he has, but seriously, it would be good fuel for a sequel for Jack-Jack to get older and people want to take advantage of all the things he can do. Though if I were writing it, I’d write that he can only do these amazing things one at a time only for a limited amount of time a-piece, so like he can do them for less than 60 seconds. That would at least help resolve the overpowered problem he could create. But I digress.

-Is it weird that I just really think the Screenslaver is like the most clever villain name and schtick ever?

-I liked the monologue that the Screenslaver gave while Helen was tracking him. It did bring up an excellent point about consumerism and hero worship. I for one know I’m guilty of the latter to a ridiculous extent, but I also have some pretty deep emotional and psychological problems that cause me to fixate on fictional heroes so it’s probably why Screenslaver’s rant hooked me. It’s intentionally ironic and brilliant commentary from the writers.

-I loved the small touch of including Helen, Bob, and Lucius’ theme songs at the end credits. So cute.

-The short film before the movie was also very creative. (Though another reason I think humanity is destined to die out by self-destruction is the whole audience laughing when the mother ate the dumpling baby. I sat there stunned thinking, “What the actual fuck, guys. I don’t think that’s the emotion that they were going for. I think it was supposed to be upsetting, not funny.” It was awkward as hell and I think humanity is doomed even more than I usually do.)

Cons:

-Bob Parr’s aborted character arc. This wasn’t a fully aborted arc, but it was definitely a partially aborted arc. I think that the biggest criticism anyone could throw at this movie is Hero Decay for Bob Parr. He’s broken down pretty badly and he only gets to do hero work twice in a two hour film. The rest of the time he spends as the comedic Butt Monkey stay-at-home dad, and while that’s fine, it rubs me the wrong way that the film sort of picks up a big central issue with him and then drops it entirely. First, I was irked at Bob’s implications when the Deavors wanted Helen. She gives him a dirty look, but I don’t like that the film doesn’t have Helen confront Bob about almost insulting her in front of their potential employers and implying that she’s not as good as he is or not as right as he is for the job, and I further don’t like it that he’s so selfish and egocentric when she does a great job that he doesn’t really congratulate her and actually mean it. Helen pretty much did the impossible. When the movie shows us what she’s able to stop, there’s no way in hell Bob could have done what she did. Yeah, strength is great, but it’s not everything. That’s what the first movie showed us, that Bob has great uses, but he needs to be complemented by other heroes to be effective. Helen is fully capable on her own and doesn’t need help. So it irks me that Bob’s so dismissive of what she’s able to accomplish. Second, it felt a lot like Bob just assumed he’d temporarily be doing the stay-at-home dad thing until Helen opens the gateway for him to do what he really wants to be doing. It didn’t feel like he was ready to make the sacrifice for hero work to raise his kids. It didn’t feel right to me. I thought the film would offer a choice where Winston said he could join her in hero work and Bob says no, he’d rather take care of the kids and let her do her thing because she’s great. I think that was the biggest missed opportunity in the film. I don’t feel as if Bob learned anything. He cares about the kids and Helen, but it still felt like he just wanted self-gratification in the end. He wants to be a hero because it’s all he knows how to be, and the conflict just sort of vanishes once the third act kicks in. I’ll see if anyone else notices this or if it’s just me, but I found myself disappointed in him this time around.

-Evelyn was way, way too obvious as the villain. Granted, it’s not like the first Incredibles was subtle. We were thrown right in with Syndrome and he was a Card Carrying Villain with zero regrets. I just didn’t think it would be so obvious that it was her, but nope, it was her. As soon as Winston told us the backstory, it was like there was a huge blinking sign over her head that it was going to be her. There was an off chance it was Winston, but after a certain point I figured he really was just a big excitable kid who wanted heroes legal again, so by default it was Evelyn. It was too transparent, so the whole movie I was just checking my watch for her to turn evil, and she finally did. There was no attempt to make her seem like she wanted anything other than to see the heroes fail based on that rotten attitude of hers, so maybe it was just a rare spot of laziness from the writers not to hide her very clear intentions.

-Frozone felt a bit underused. Once he put Helen and Bob in contact with the Deavors, I thought maybe we’d see more of him, but he just disappears until the third act. Odd. Not a dealbreaker, just odd.

-I actually though the bodycam thing would be used in a different way than to eventually tip Helen off that something was wrong. I thought that Evelyn was going to manipulate the footage to make it seem like Helen attacked the ambassador and went rogue so she’d be hunted down or something. It just ended up falling short of my expectations, I suppose.

-Although it’s accurate to our actual society, the cops yelling at Bob and Helen for not catching the Underminer really ticked me off. Are you telling me there were zero casualties when he blew the bank through the ground? I find that hard to believe. And it also sounded like they were just mad they didn’t catch him, not that they were mad about them violating the law. Look, fuck off. Cops can’t even handle simple burglaries sometimes, and you want to give these heroes lip about trying to stop someone who drove a drill the size of a building up through the ground and then blasted a whole-ass bank? Whatever. Y’all sippin’ the same Kool-Aid as the people who came up with the Accords in Captain America: Civil War. Your argument is dumb. Go sit down somewhere.  

Honestly, I’m really looking forward to seeing this film again and to finding out if they intend to follow through with a third film to make it a trilogy. After all, if anyone can make three phenomenal movies instead of two good ones and a dud of a third like the status quo, it’s Disney/Pixar. I suggest you run right out to see Incredibles II, because it was well worth the wait.

[panic-angel3314]

92 Truths

I was tagged by the badass @therealfivefeetoffuckingfury who is my best friend, my inspiration, my support system, my everything. So in love with her and all her amazing writing it's gives me life.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. LAST:
Last drink: Diet Dr.Pepper
Last phone call: My papa bear telling me to get a drink for mama bear while I was at the store.
Last text message: was to my sister and it was a link and an answer to her homework question. It's long...
Last song you listened to: If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn- Sleepinf with Sirens because it's my inspiration for the Mox fic I will soon be posting😊
Last time I cried: Last night, I dreamt about my late great grandmother, who's my name sake and just my absolute heart, she was happy and saying how much she loved me. And I just woke up with tears in my eyes because I was sad I was only seeing her in my dream

HAVE YOU EVER:
Dated someone twice: Nope been a single little Pringle my whole life 💋
Been cheated on: No thankfully 
Kissed someone and regretted it: Never been kissed so......🤷🏼‍♀️
Lost someone special: Yes, Unfortunately 
Been depressed: Yes. But who hasn't.
Been drunk and thrown up: Nope, I'm like half Irish so I take my whiskey really well. Also the Mexican/ Native American side loves its tequila.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
Made a new friend: Yes I have and I love her already
Fallen out of love: No ☹️ I'd have to be in love to fall out so....
Laughed until you cried: Yes and it was the most cathartic thing ever👌🏻👌🏻
Met someone who changed you: Yes. In one of the best ways l, honestly.
Found out who your true friends were: Most definitely, still hurts though when you figure out just how untrue a person was ☹️
Found out someone was talking about you: No. Not yet or ever but hey maybe it's just because I haven't caught them but I'd like to say I'm a very honest, upfront and genuine person. So I how people would treat me in the same respect.

GENERAL:
How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life?: No but I can't wait for the day I met some of my friends on here In real life 😊
Do you want to change your name?: No I'm named after my great grandmother, with my first name. And I quite enjoy my middle name, which is what everyone calls me.
What time did you wake up this morning?: 8:12am
What were you doing last night?: writing, computer programming homework, talking my bffl through a breakup☹️.
Name something you cannot wait for: Finish school, find my "Adult" job and move out and start my own life.
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Nope but I'm still waiting for Mr. Hiddleston to pop in at any moment
What’s getting on your nerves rn?: my cats won't get along and there constantly meowing and hissing at each other while I try to sleep
Blood type: O+ I believe...
Nickname: Kayla, Kay, K-Kay, Ms. Macayla, Ms. Kay, Lala, Kaylie, Kayla-K, Nugget 😊, Savage, Beasty, Mac Daddy, Mac, Ellie, Elle and I think that's it lol I have so many🤣
Relationship status: Single little Pringle 
Zodiac sign: Cancer 🦀
Pronouns: she/her 
Favorite tv show: SOA, Supernatural, WWE, CSI reruns ( any/ all ), Criminal Minds, American Horror Story, Teen Wolf, Marvel Series, many more im sure I just can't think right now 😝
College: Yup and it's trying me this semester
Hair colour: naturally brunette with reddish undertones, thank you Irish roots, currently ombré ashy blond/ silverish pieces mix in. Soon it's going to be straight in a silver hue with blue undertones and black roots.
Long or short: neither 
Do you have a crush on someone: Do celebrities count??.
What do you like about yourself: I like my mellow nature and brutal honesty, who has time for erractic liars.

FIRSTS:
First surgery: Double knee surgery at the tender age of 9 years old
First piercing: ears at the tender age of three months old.
First best friend: Mallory
First sport you joined: Softball been playing it since I could walk.
First vacation: Mexico I'm sure as a toddler.
First pair of sneakers: Converse, I think 
Eating: Breastmilk like wthell??
Drinking: If you're talking alcohol, Crown and Coke, did I mention I was a whiskey girl.
I’m about to: go to sleep it 4:10am and I have school in a bit.
Listening to: Caraphernelia- Pierce the Veil
Want kids: Omgosh yes please. I want one pregnancy with twins, a boy and a girl. It's like my dream.
Get married: I hope so, one day. I really want to find my soulmate and marry them one day and have babies and just love each other til the very end and beyond. Teehee sorry I'm a hopeless romantic 
Career: I want to be a writer. But I'm going to school to be a computer programmer so I can work from home and write my book in my spare time. I already have an outline and concept for my first book.

WHICH IS BETTER:
Lips or eyes: Eyes
Hugs or kisses: Hugs
Shorter or taller: Taller
Older or younger: Older.
Romantic or spontaneous: Both.
Sensitive or loud: Both.
Hook up or relationship: relationship.
Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER:
Kissed a stranger: No siree Bob
Drank hard liquor: Half Mexican/ Half Irish I'm like a hybrid for hard liquor
Lost glasses/contacts: nope by oboe because I'm just starting to wear glasses and maybe contacts by next year
Sex on the first date: Nope because that would require me to ever go on a date or be asked out...
Broken someone’s heart: I think I did accidentally but it's never been confirmed... if you've ever had a best guy friend then you know what I mean 
Been arrested: Gods no.
Turned someone down: nope
Fallen for a friend: yuppers

DO YOU BELIEVE:
In yourself: I would like to think so
Miracles: Yes absolutely.
Love at first sight: I'm a hopeless romantic who hasn't learned the harsh reality of love so yes as of right now I do.
Heaven: Born and raised Catholic so yup.
Santa Claus: As in the actual person St. Nicholas yes but the entity that is a man who brings presents every year to children on a sleigh on Christmas Eve no.

I'd like to tag some people I'd like to know more about: @calwitch @wwesensualfanfics @littleprincess1621 @devitts-girl @kingslayers-angel

@monsteramongmen-tamer @harleymoxley

[justaboywithaonemanshow]

92 Truths

Thanks @edsmysterygirl for the tag! <3

Tagging @ownerandwriterofedsnnnnggghhhh​ @drinking-sangrias​ @karesera @edsavedmylife

THE LAST…

1) Drink: Water 2) Phone call: My mom 3) Text message: We don’t use text messages here, but yesterday my mom sent my one. 4) Song you listened to: Hearts don’t break around here 5) Time you cried: Can’t remember the exact day but it was last week, I saw a ring my ex boyfriend gave me and well...tsunami tides in my eyes as Ed says

HAVE YOU EVER…

6) Dated someone twice: No, I’ve only been with one person trough out my whole life 7) Been cheated on: He said he didn’t cheat but I’m almost positive he did. 8) Kissed someone and regretted it: Yeah, a guy at a party. 9) Lost someone special: My grandpa, who died in 2012. And my ex who voluntary walked out of my life. 10) Been depressed: Yes. Last year and the beginning of 2017 11) Gotten drunk and thrown up: No, I don’t usually drink but when I do I do it moderately.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS…

12) Pink 13) Mint 14) Red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15) Made new friends: Yep yep IRL and here 16) Fallen out of love: Not yet but I hope so. 17) Laughed until you cried: No 18) Found out someone was talking about you: hmm not that I recall 19) Met someone who changed you: Not technically, but as MG said Ed changed me even though I haven’t met him. 20) Found out who your true friends are: Hell yeah, I don’t have one true friend I think, but I don’t open up easily so it might be my fault. 21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nope, my ex deleted me from FB so...

OTHER…

22) How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life?: 80%  23) Do you have any pets?: Two beautiful wrinkly doggies, even though I’m convinced the little on is indeed a tasmanian devil, as in attitude not looks hahaha 24) Do you want to change your name?: I would like to get rid of one of them, not because I don’t like it but because my last name is already goddamn long to have two names. I’d also like my last name to be shorter 25) What did you do for your last birthday?: A waffle party with my friends! YUM! 26) What time do you wake up?: Around 7:30am, I changed my work schedule because I was fed up with waking up a 6:30am hahahaha I’ve been doing that since I was 12 27) What were you doing at midnight last night?: Trying to fall sleep 28) Name something you cannot wait for: See Ed live again 29) When was the last time you saw your mother?: This morning, we had breakfast together 30) What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?: I’d love to live somewhere else, preferably a different country. But I’d love to not live in this city any longer, everything reminds me of my ex but I’m too scare to go away :( 31) What are you listening to right now?: Sorry - Justin Bieber (I’m listening to a party playlist at work - Girls’ Night hahahaha) 32) Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Nope, no Toms here 33) Something that is getting on your nerves: Feeling like I’ve achieved nothing yet and that I’m not good at my job 34) Most visited website?: Facebook and tumblr. 35) Elementary: Changed schools so a bit unpleasant but made friends easily. 36) High School: Nice, I met all my friends there and we’re still tight. 37) University: Hell. Met my ex there which was nice, he was the only good thing about it, but my professors were really really mean, suffered a lot there. I think that’s why I finished it in 4 years hahaha then I did a post graduate course at a different uni with different professors and it was great! and my masters was in an online uni so it was good too. 38) Hair color: Almost black, a really intense dark brown. Though I now have ombre hair with some goldenish highlights. I looooove it. When I was younger I used to say I’d never dyed my hair (I was super proud of my black hair) but once I tried ombre there was no turning back hahaha 39) Long or short hair?: Short, right below my shoulders. 40) Do you have a crush on someone?: A ginger dude, Edward Christopher Sheeran, you may know him, he’s a singer or something like that. I used to have a major crush on a coworker for the past two years but we drifted away since we are not working together anymore unfortunately 41) What do you like about yourself?: hmmm looks wise? my eyes. Personality wise? that if I set a goal I will most likely achieve it, though I’d love to be more focus and hardworking, I’m waaaaaay too lazy. 42) Piercings?: My ears. 43) Blood type?: 0+ 44) Nickname?: Short versions of my name. My mom has hundreds of nicknames for me, all way too embarrassing to list here 45) Relationship status?: Single as a pringle, after 8 years of being in a relationship so I’m still getting used to it 46) Zodiac sign?: Libra 47) Pronouns: She/her. 48) Favorite TV show: hmmm I really like New Girl. I’m currently watching OITNB. Loved Stranger Things too. 49) Tattoos: None. But I’d love to get my first ones soon, a lighting bolt for Harry Potter and my comparsa (I really don’t know the word in english for it, but where I live we have carnival just like Rio de Janeiro, and we have “teams” that compite each year, well my team symbol is a lighting bolt) and Bibia be ye ye because that line came at the right time in my life so SHOUT OUT TO ANY SHEERIOS MEETING ED could you please please please ask him to write it down on a piece of paper so I can get it done in his handwritting? 50) Right or left hand?: Right hand.

FIRST…

51) Surgery: I’ve never had a surgery thank god. I’m super scared of needles (that’s why I don’t have tattoos) I think it’s a phobia, if I ever had to have a surgery it will be a disaster. Getting my blood drawn is the worse for me, I try to avoid it at all costs. Imagine if I had to get a IV? I’d die of fear. 52) Piercing: Again, needles involved so NOPE. Oh! I have my years pierced but it wasn’t my decision but my mum’s, I was a newborn, like weeks old. I don’t mind it though, I love to wear earrings, and if she didn’t do it I wouldn’t have the courage to do it. 53) Sport: Swimming, my grandma always insisted it was a must learn thing so she took us to take lessons from a pretty young age, I live in a river side city so it’s a life saving thing too. I have always loved it and was pretty good but I’m way too lazy. 54) Vacation: I went to Brazil with my family, I think we went to Torres. Brazil is amazing, beautiful place, great food and lovely people, they have this energy that is so contagious, I’m not a big fan of the beach but I’d love to go back there some time. 55) Pair of trainers: I was way too young to remember. WHY IS 56 MISSING <--- I didn’t notice this but MG did, great observation skills girl! 57) Eating: Today? Medialunas calentitas! Yum!  (a fresh out of the oven croissant but in an argentinean way, actually uruguayan? because the cafe where I ate them is from uruguay, and they are well known for their specials croissants)  58) Drinking: Orange Juice. 59) I’m about to: Get some worked done, because I should be working hahaha 60) Listening to: Be my Husband  61) Waiting for: something exciting to happen in my boring as hell life 62) Want: Quit my job and go travelling 63) Get married: I didn’t get married. I’m still not sure if I ever want to 64) Career: Graphic Design / I’m a web designer wannabe with a long way to go and so much to learn, but hey! I can build websites! hahaha

YOUR TYPE…

65) Hugs or kisses?: hmmm kisses maybe? 66) Lips or eyes?: Eyes. And if they are blue, oh god. 67) Shorter or taller?: Taller! I’m 5′1 so it’s not that hard hahaha but in argentina guys are not very tall. My ex was 6′ and people always mentioned he was huge. 68) Older or younger?: My age. A year younger or between 2 to 3 years older. My ex was 6 months younger than me and  I’d love to date a certain guy who is 4 months younger than me. 69) Nice arms or nice stomach?: Arms all the way. And a nice back too, I love backs (?) 70) Sensitive or loud?: Loud. 71) Hook up or relationship?: Relationship. I never had a hook up but I guess I prefer relationships. 72) Troublemaker or hesitant?: hmmm troublemaker? Can’t stand hesitant guys who just take too long to do something, I like driven people! 

HAVE YOU EVER…

74) Kissed a stranger?: Yeah.  75) Drank hard liquor?: Vodka is a hard liquor? If it is, yes. I love vodka with orange or lemon juice, don’t judge me. 76) Lost glasses, contact/lenses?: Miraculously, nope 77) Turned someone down?: Yep. 78) Sex on first date?: Nope.  79) Broken someone’s heart?: Hmm not sure, maybe but not intentionally. 80) Had your heart broken?: Hell yeah. I’m still dealing with it. 81) Been arrested?: Nope. 82) Cried when someone died?: Yes. 83) Fallen for a friend?: My coworker was some sort of friend, so yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84) Yourself?: Nope. 85) Miracles?: No. 86) Love at first sight?: No. 87) Santa Claus?: Not anymore. When we were little my parents told me it was baby jesus who brought the presents (I was raised catholic even though my father was agnostic) and Santa Claus (or Papá Noel as we called him) was just helping him because well, Jesus was a newborn hahaha but we were told we should thank baby jesus. 88) Kiss on the first date?: Didn’t have much dates, but on my first date with my ex we kissed so...wait is this thing asking if I believe in kissing on the first date? Well it depends on who the date is. 89) Angels?: No.

EVEN MORE…

90) Current best friend’s name: I don’t have one, I’m don’t open up easily. 91) Eye color: Brown. 92) Favorite movie: I don’t have a favorite one, but from the last ones I’ve seen Wonder Woman kicked all the other movies asses 

[timaltman]

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

tagged by: @hsinlvegas who has gotten me addicted to pinterest aesthetic boards and i’m mad at her for it but she’s still p rad. 

tagging: whoever wants to do it lmao idk it’s 2:30am here idek whats up or down rn i should probably be asleep but also like.... no.

LAST… [1] drink: water (i’m so exciting /sarcasm) [2] phone call: my mom called me while she was driving home from work  [3] text message: “oh my god no. not the kidz bop. pls no” - to my sister [4] song you listened to: reaching by audiomachine (which is so good pls go listen to it) [5] time you cried: last night thinking about steve irwin and how i owe him my entire life and career bc in 2 weeks i’m starting my first official zookeeping job and he was a huge inspiration for me as a kid 

-REST UNDER THE CUT-

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: no [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: no [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜) all the fuckin time my dudes [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no but i’ve gotten so anxious i’ve thrown up??

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] teal [13] pale yellow [14] silver

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes! [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: yes [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah i mean i’m sure there are like three people who bitch about me all the time lmao [19] met someone who changed you: yes~ (in a good way)  [20] found out who your true friends are: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ -bitter fucking laughter-  [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: ye - my wonderful girlfriend~

GENERAL… [22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: i mean, i’ve met a lot of them after becoming friends on tumblr, but then i have some old high school friends and some internship friends on here, too.... so like 10 or so? probably a few more than that. [23] do you have any pets: my asshole cat, robin: the cat wonder, lives with me in my apartment. at home i have a beagle/terrier mutt named copper and a gray tabby named dusty. i’m hoping to maybe get a ball python this summer but i’m not sure yet! [24] do you want to change your name: yeah, i’ve considered it b/c trans but i’m not entirely sure what i want yet.... [25] what did you do for your last birthday: wielded a chainsaw, ate shitty walmart cake and watched step brothers with some classmates in a remote cabin in southern illinois? not my first choice but not terrible, all things considered. didn’t lose any limbs that day so i can’t complain. [26] what time did you wake up: robin woke me up at like, 5:30am to get fed, but then i went back to sleep again until 7:30, text billy to have a good day at work, and then i went back to sleep again until 9:45 b/c i didn’t have my 9am class today hell yeah [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: uh, pinterest-ing for my character aesthetic boards.... >_> [28] name something you cannot wait for: graduating college and being the fuck done with schoooooool. also mother fuckin wonDER WOMAN. [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: april 23rd [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: how far away all the ppl i care about are :(((( [31] what are you listening to right now: more audiomachine but i was watching friends in the background earlier [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: ye my old neighbor was named tom he was real nice [33] something that is getting on your nerves: not in the angry way but in the anxious way- i have to give a presentation on my research project to the college board in like... 6 hours. [35] elementary: yes? [36] high school: done [37] college: sO CLOSE TO DONE I LITERALLY HAVE TWO CLASSES LEFT [38] hair color: brown.... it used to have a white patch and be fun, but i dyed it for superboy and now i’m battling with myself debating if i should dye it back bc “””professional””” for jobs but that’s so boring i want to look like shiro again :((( [39] long or short hair: short god please short, regardless of what gender i present, short is so much nicer since my hair is so thiiiiick [40] do you have a crush on someone: ye my a m a z i n g girlfriend uwu  [41] what do you like about yourself?: noncommittal shrug emoji? i like my eye color i think that’s pretty radical since it’s like a gray-teal color. i guess i’m a pretty good resource for random ass animal facts too [42] piercings: mmmm i mean, i don’t care for them or about them that much? [43] blood type: literally no idea which is probably bad [44] nickname: sunshine, sam, sammy, teddy, timmy, timtam, dad [45] relationship status: -heart eyes emojis @ billy- [46] zodiac sign: aries i think? idk all i care is my celtic zodiac is a fox, so [47] pronouns: he/him [48] fav tv show: f ri ck en brooklyn 99 [49] tattoos: not yet, but after i get top surgery and no longer run the disk of mutilating or stretching it, i wanna get tim’s robin symbol on my chest [50] right or left handed: left!

FIRST… [51] surgery: wisdom teeth were my first surgery, i think? [52] piercing: got my earlobes pierced when i was like, 12? idk i don’t wear them anymore so they’ve all but closed up [53] best friend: this girl on the playground in preschool named asya but after her was this girl named natalie that i was friends with from kindergarten all through junior high. she just got married like, a month ago and i feel old [54] sport: like to actually continue with was soccer - i started at 6 i think [55] vacation: that i remember? disney world b/c my dad had drill down in florida so my parents dragged my sister and i with bc we didn’t have to pay for the hotel lol [56] pair of trainers: wut

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothin [58] drinking: water [59] i’m about to: sleep maybe, hopefully?  [60] listening to: still audiomachine since they just asked this question like 10 questions ago..... [61] waiting for: my anxiety to calm tf down so i can go to sleep [62] want: foooood. i ate dinner really early (5pm) and now it’s 10 hours later so i want food again. [63] get married: -super noncommittal and also confused, disgruntled noises- ?? [64] career: dream career is a zookeeper, honestly. it’s what i’m doing, i’ve worked really hard to get to the place where i am, and i’m happy with it

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: no preference [68] older or younger: usually i get along better with ppl older than me- all my closest friends are older by 2 years or more except like..... amy [69] romantic or spontaneous: anxiety and spontaneity don’t mix lmao [70] nice arms or nice stomach: either or both or neither is fine idrc [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant only bc troublemaker makes me anxious lmao

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? nope [75] drank hard liquor? ye i’ve had like. one whole vodka and lemonade in my entire life because i am a raging party animal /sarcasm [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? i lose my contacts in my eyeball sometimes [77] turned someone down? ye kinda. my ~best friends~ have this bad habit of ~falling in love with me~ and then getting pissed when i don’t return the feeling and treating me like crap :))))  [78] sex on first date? nope [79] broken someone’s heart? sure maybe idk. not on purpose. [80] had your own heart broken? no [81] been arrested? nope [82] cried when someone died? i’m a monster and have no feelings so no, not really. i usually go into emotional shock and stop processing everything [83] fallen for a friend: kind of

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? noooope [85] miracles? listen on friday i catered an event and the idiot who packed it up for us on their shift the day before forgot to put matches in the gathering. and the truck drivers loaded it onto the truck before i could check that everything was there. so we got to the location and couldn’t light the sternos for the hot food but somehow we found a box of matches in the kitchenette we were serving out of so yes i believe in miracles [86] love at first sight? maybe? idk not really i really don’t understand how anyone could love someone without knowing a bunch about them first [87] santa claus? billY AND I SAW SANTA ON OUR WAY UP TO C2E2 ON SUNDAY OKAY HIS CAR WAS RED AND SAID “MY OTHER RIDE IS A SLEIGH” AND HIS LICENSE PLATE SAID KRINGLE AND HE HAD A BIG WHITE BEARD IT WAS AMAZING OKAY. [88] kiss on the first date? maybe for ppl who aren’t like. super anxious about everything all the time [89] angels? no

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: marble, emma [91] eye color: teal-gray, which sounds pretentious and White Person af but like..... that’s the best way to describe them [92] favorite movie: i don’t knowwww that’s a hard one ;_; 

[nowaybutnorway]

Wow, it’s hard to believe that season that I hold so near and dear to my heart is already a year old.  About a year ago today I was in Norway, I had just started to expose myself to the Tumblr Survivor community and play some side seasons, but now it was time to try myself out in the big leagues of a main season, so I signed up for Season 39 and never looked back, and now as I look back about a year later from the time we started this season, I feel blessed to have gotten to be in a season with all of y’all, you are my og tumblr survivor fam, and I figured what better way to celebrate today than collect all my thoughts about my 19 fellow castaways and hosts. I’m in a starbucks right now so hopefully I don’t bust into tears, but then again that wouldn’t be new for this one, so let’s begin.

Laure-Now Laure was probably the only person that I had no interaction with over the course of the entire season, just because of how tribe divisions were set up and all, but learning that over time I was playing with a ts legend, it inspired my frail newbie heart to no end, so Laure, despite not knowing you, thanks a billion from this fanboy <3

Dani-OK so contrary to popular belief, Dani met her demise to due to EVERYTHING GOING WRONG FOR HER.  Originally the plan was to vote out Eric, then Eric won immunity, then the plan was Danielle, but she went to Exile, so Dani became the next best option, and it was so awkward because I remember being in the HOS11 house on call when the tribal happened and people were talking about how they loved Dani, and as the votes kept coming in, I was just sitting there watching people’s jaws drop and then after I had to say....sorry about that.  But it was clear you did not deserved what happened to you, you were sick and the Darian v Dylan fiasco was just a damn mess that culminated with your demise, but despite of what you may think of me, I feel your tribal where you left was crucial to how I play games now, so thanks babes.

Angela-WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS GIRL. Now people may think that my closest alliance mate was Brian or Stevie, but you guys never knew Angela like I did, we ironically made an alliance day 1 called the Trashy King and Queen, an alliance I would later replicate with Ting Ting in Myanmar, and it was honestly a god send because she was the one person on Lipari I could trust, and she was honestly the most fun to talk to because all the newbies were like cracked, while Angela and I just talked about arson and ate popcorn, it was great to have her in my life, and my snaps had never been more LIT.  Then came swap and Angela peaced out like the boss she is, probably because Grace never gave her cheesecake, anyways I digress. Angela you were one of my favorite newbies to play with and its always a pleasure to see you pop up on snapchat, ily and nothing can ever change my first ts alliance with you, long live our trashy mess <3.

Eric-OK so prior to playing TS I had never gotten on call for a game before, so when Eric called me to talk game, I had NO idea how to do anything, it was 20 minutes of awkward talking, but it was clear to know that we weren’t gonna align anytime soon, but you know in my delusional manner I thought I had totally played him.......yeah I wasn't smart then and I’m not smart now. We later swapped with Brian onto the Alicuidi tribe, and while I had hoped newbies could be strong...he targeted me, but thanks to the lovely Stevie and his ability to connect with the First Boots, I was saved and Eric left.  I’m not sure exactly what I did to mess up our relationship but I’m sorry, I’ll give you a hug if I’m ever in Mass....again.

Darian-I feel what I have to say about you and Dylan are around the same lines so I may say look above for previous comment when I write something for Dylan, but DARIAN OH DARIAN, to say you made that first tribal interesting is an understatement.  I feel you taught me what not to do in games, you made me realize it was probs a mistake to start an alliance on call or be the center of attention, but DANG you were entertaining to say the least and that was no understatement.  You left me as fast as you came into my life and your rivalry with Dylan was funny as you both went out back to back after targeting each other so hard the first tribal, you definitely made my ts introduction a memorable one so thanks <3.  And when we reconvened in Westeros, I will admit you had grown a little as a player despite what people think, not a lot, but a little.  I’ll never know what happened on Salina but your exit was a quick one, who knows, maybe another Mass visit is in my future and I can see you and Ashley together cause she my Myanmar homegirl.

Dylan-(see comment above for jist) Now a special place Dylan has in my heart that separates him from Darian is the fact he was the first person in TS I was shady with, basically talking about what the heck Darian was doing and how in any world that would make sense.  Sufficed to say much more shade would follow, but thanks.

Jason-OK we literally did not have more than a 30 minute conversation in the game, but we talked about CBB and tbh that was a quick way to my heart so thank you.  While we never met up on a tribe, we connected ever so slightly, and you actually are the first person I got to give me ts memorabilia with Jenny, Hector and Jordan when you guys sent me a post card, it was nice and sweet and it’ll be on my TS wall for enternity.  We also played The Amazing Race together twice....but there are certain things we don’t talk about like how I was a mess in TAR4 and y’all got eliminated 2nd in TAR AllStars.  I love ya and miss ya <3 

Dalton-I’m just going to start off and say my #favoriteDaltonMoment was when we just swapped onto alicuidi and we were just talking about the most random things, and I think it was with you how fvf3 was going to be like on Survivor when they’d bring back Baylor and Cirie and we’d jump into the fire at f4 with them just so they could win and all would be right with the world, it was random, but tbh randomness is one of my more favorite things and I love ya for it.

Nic W-NIC I GOT A FEW WORDS FOR YOU, FIRSTABLE, how are you, hope you’re partying somewhere or some junk, but wow, we spent a decent amount of time together pre-merge, but our time at merge certainly DID NOT LAST LONG.  You went out in a unanimous style, and famously called out Brian, Stevie and I, all for being fake to your face, which is kinda funny cause I’m pretty sure you inadvertently called out our trio on accident, and the rest of merge was a nightmare trying to convince everyone we weren’t a trio when it was very clear we were.....so party.  One of the last great callouts of the tag era, so thank you <3

Max-MY OG AUSTRALIAN BAE.  It was a dream for my entire adult life to have a best friend from Australia, but as I couldn’t find one in Norway, I settled for the next best option and found one online in you <3.  Now in memory I don’t think there was ever a point where we worked together and that was a mess in a hand basket, but you still were great in your own ways.  My favorite thing was when you compared everyone to people from Eurovision of that year and it was amazing so thanks.  You left a special place for Australia in my heart and every main season I played since then I had played with an Australian, and despite loving Jimmy with all my heart from All Stars, you will always be somewhere in my heart.

Danielle-Please call me out again for going on too much during my ftc speech because that has changed my performances quite a bit, I mean I’ve lost everytime I showed up in a ftc since this season....BUT STILL IT MEANT A LOT.  Personally it sucked because as soon as we started working together at merge, those bums voted you out and that began me feeling worse and worse in the game.  I still believe you had one of the best ftc moments of all time because you called every one out and I loved every moment.  Congrats on winning Crusade, you deserved it <3

Stevie-Words cannot personally describe how I actually feel about you, and I feel you know that Baevie.  You were the first connection I made on any Survivor season EVER.  You took me into this community and showed me so much.  You gave me my first idol, showed me my first alliance, and once I lost in Rakiura, you not only showed me Myanmar, which I won for myself and the draft for you (my faved loved one too btw), you also got me into this season.  Now at the time I didn’t know we would be playing together again, but when I saw your beautiful bearded face pop up in the cast announcement, I kid you not I jumped for joy in my Norwegian room, because that meant I was going to be playing with my best friend in the community again and I was excited as all get out.  You took me in under your wing on alicuidi and we wrecked havoc, we got some idols, and we did some idol plays at merge.  You graciously gave me an idol when I asked and were always there to help me...until ftc where you didn’t vote for me to win, but lets be real, my performance was a train wreck, you made the right choice.  Once the votes tied during the round we got the votes on JC, my heart dropped because that meant I would have to campaign against the person who mattered the most to me in the community and the pain I went through to muster up the strength to was unbearable but I did anyway, and I played my hardest as I knew you wanted me to do if you were there in my place.  You not only gave me so much in the game but so much in life, I’m not sure if I can ever make it up to you for how things played out during the season but I will sure as hell try, I love you Stevie, never change.  And thanks btw for letting me sleep with you, it was a great night ;)

Danny-DANNY OMG. K so firstable, I think you know when I say this I mean it, I GLUCKIN LOVE YOU.  You’re so funny and I love when you just pop up out of nowhere with several puns and its great and ily, but god, you were a terrifying force in that game because you could gather SO many people at merge it was ridiculous.  Your demise was also probably the move that I was proudest in my entire career and something I’m sure I could never replicate ever again, but dang was it fun.  I may not be able to go to six flags with you but I’ll be there in spirit forever, love ya.

Jenny-Jenny you’re probably one of my best friends to come out of this season, and that’s why I will always feel awful for how I organized your demise, but in retrospect you have to admit it was clever, not managed well but clever.  You sent me my first TS memorabilia, and I love it with all my heart, and whenever I come to you about my personal life, you’re always so happy to hear it and I lvoe you for it, and whenever I lose a season.......you’re kinda mean but to be fair I come to you crying about an online game, when its very clear MUCH worse has happened to more people so I’m sure that harshness is out of love so thank you.  You were probably the person I never thought of working with at merge because you not only sold me out at the beginning but you also voted me out when Stevie and I were tied to leave......but you also helped me pull off the Danny blindside so thank you, ily, and I can’t wait to see you come home and hopefully I get to see you for my TS birthday party.

Nick-NICK WITH A K, you were the last newbie to go out before ftc, and to be fair you were one of the most level headed people playing this game, and it was great to have someone who despite being amongst some of the most cracked people, could stay calm and semi-reasonable.  I look at your vote off as one of the biggest mistakes cause maybe had I voted off Van I would’ve won.....but at that point I had already pissed off most of the jury, plus I thought I could beat Van....OH HELL WAS I WRONG, but still, you made for a fun time and were a sound mind for me in the first tribal we went to as Lipari....cause god we didn’t need anymore crazy.

JC-next.....JUST KIDDING, you think I would dare forget about you, I could never.  You hold many special places in my heart.  You were the first to call me out during a challenge, but it was so entertaining in retrospect, you also tried organizing my demise at final 5, but watching your face and those of the other first boots drop when I won immunity after 1 question, thus ruining your predetermined plans, was PRICELESS, it was great to organize your demise after that because it almost felt like Karma, but after the season I could not love you more bae.  You may not have voted for me, but you are the only person from Aeolian I played with ever again, because we All Stars baby <3, now while we didn’t get to play together, it was still a blast to be reunited with an Aeolian bae again, and I’m sure we could’ve take that game....ok maybe not taken it, but still we could’ve rented it and had a good time, but alas no, only in our dreams.

John-John....I love you, you and I were like baes for the longest time now, and tbh I was about to vote you out in Myanmar because I was sketched out by you, but then Aeolian started and you and I were in a season together, and so that plan had to be re-routed to voting out Kylie, but YA KNOW. I could never not be blessed to have you in my life CoffeyCakes, you’re that important, you came to see me in Massachusetts and it was honestly a blast, partially cause you got to see me get voted out in All Stars but still.  Sitting next to you in FTC in Myanmar was one of my most favorite memories ever, and you’ll always be near and dear to me <3

Brian-Literally what can I say about you besides being the best purchase I ever made on ebay tbh (that one’s for you JC <3) but in all seriousness at the beginning of the season, I never thought I could ever meet someone like you, you seemed to always be there for me and we became brothers in a sense, we went through the entire season, we played our way from the bottom, every move that I made during Aeolian, you were there, by my side throughout all of it, almost not the Danny move, but that told me I had to play the idol so thanks bae.  You not only were my confidant this season, but through so much of my life afterwards, we still stay in contact even after a year has passed, and I could not be happier to be honest.  Yes you maybe messy, but you’re my mess and I wouldn’t have you any other way babes.  I’m happy you won Lazio, and if anyone tells you otherwise they’re lying.  You were my rock and I hope you stay in my life for many years to come babes, I hope everything goes your way.

Van-Now to one of the most important people in the season tbh.  Now when we first met, I never thought in a million years I would lose to you.....and I was honestly pissed when I found out that hey, that was gonna happen, but that was in the moment and I feel we were both heated at that moment, but you know what, I’ve learned the value of your game and that is one of the most impressive that I’ve ever witnessed to be honest.  Your game reminded me of Michelle from Kaoh Rong, and if you were Michelle, I was Aubrey I think.....I could also be dreaming, but your social game was that on point and it was bloody impressive and I love it.  You earned your win and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, because it was amazing.  I one day hope to achieve your level of sociability and unlock my innerVan as you say to me whenever I begin to play a new season...that I later flop in but that’s besides the point, you’re an inspiration, a lovely person and iconic and I love you so much <3

And finally our hosts for the season Grace, Ryan and Intern turned mom Emma, y’all took a chance on me that Bora Bora never gave me and gave me a random chance to shine and I could not be more grateful, through this season I met such an important family, but I was also able to accomplish moves that I don’t think I could ever do again.  You introduced me into a community that holds such a close place in my heart and I could not thank you guys enough for it.

So in the end thank you Aeolian Islands, though you were hell to get through, you gave me a family, and a community, and I’m forever grateful.  Thanks for making me a favorite in Myanmar and an All Stars, you mean the world <3  Happy Anniversary, and Gratulerer Med Dagen

-Fra Steffen Reals

[jordblorg]

two months ago, i wrote something i intended to write four months ago

in early march, i did my belated 2017 recap post, mostly (no, let’s be honest: entirely) for my own edification, but then i kept forgetting to post it on here because i live in a house without wifi and when i do have wifi i don’t have my laptop, but i spent the weekend housesitting and so i’ve been aimlessly on my laptop for an hour and i just remembered, oh, hey, that thing! i should do that thing. 

so. anyway. 2017:

from 2013 to 2016, i ended each year (or started the new one) with a recap post in some form. there were years where i didn’t feel much like doing it, but i always felt like the act of forcing myself to sit down and reflect, or at the very least remember and record, would be a useful one, if not in the present moment then certainly later. and it’s already proven true: every so often, bored and scrolling my own tumblr to try and see what it tells me about myself, i stumble upon these yearly recaps and remember something about the year that i had forgotten. sometimes it’s a specific event. other times it’s a feeling or something as specific as a food. and on a few occasions it’s been particularly delightful to see a self who has no idea what’s to come -- in 2013, for example, i visited d.c. with a friend. we spent hours walking around the supreme court building, hoping to spot a justice, to no avail -- until the moment we left, at which point we saw clarence thomas from a distance, and mainly just the back of his head. and it was thrilling.

(a year and a half later, i would spend an entire semester working at the supreme court. it was one of the happiest semesters i’ve ever had. on the first snow day of that winter, i talked about the weather with the justice standing in front of me in the cafeteria line.)

so for all these reasons, i wanted, or felt that i should want, to write a brief post recapping my 2017, in words or in photos or in memes, watercolors, you name it. and i never did. and since the new year began, every week or so, i’ve thought to myself, well, hey, this one in particular is kind of an arbitrary deadline, you should still do a lil recap. and i’ve also spent a few evenings reading the super-old entries of bloggers i’ve followed for a few years - not even people i know well personally! - because watching people learn and grow online, if that’s how they should choose to do it, can be fun.

perhaps at the end of 2018 i’ll write a post about this being the year i simultaneously wanted to bloviate endlessly about all of my opinions, and also wanted to take myself off the radar screen completely, where every day i want to quietly delete all of my social media apps from my phone but haven’t as of this writing because of some vague fear that something will happen? that i will want to know about right away? or that if i take my ear away from the ongoing conversation of smart and angry people on my twitter feed, i’ll lose learning opportunities, and then say something i should know better than to say, but not know better, because i deleted my twitter account? i tried to download two apps yesterday that severely curb one’s ability to access other apps, the Bad Apps, on one’s phone, but neither had the functionality i desired unless i paid for premium, which, at that point, can i justify paying to outsource my self-control when reality i feel like i should be able to do that myself? (is this a healthy framing? i don’t think i’m wrong, but i could probably stand to be more generous to myself, except that i don’t want to be generous, i want to have the willpower of teddy roosevelt, he who cured his own asthma basically through sheer force of will, absent all of the historic toxicity and baggage with which he must also be inextricably associated? except i also know better than to frame recovery/health narratives as a matter of willpower?) i’ve lost the thread completely at this point, assuming i was ever holding a thread in the first place?

one time, years ago, an older male relative asked me if i exhaust myself. and oh my god. i do.

anyway. here’s some free association about 2017, the year i keep accidentally thinking it is, after reminding myself that it is not 2016, which is the year in my heart that i believe it to be.

i. the beginning of 2017 feels like it was a hundred thousand years ago, and at this point last year i had no idea that i’d be in alaska and out of my old field completely, and at this point this year everything that happened to me in the first half of the last one feels like a dream.

when i think about the months of january through may, i remember the weeks on end where each day i woke up and felt a void in the center of my stomach where normally the feelings that motivate me go. i had a hard time with basic self-care. on more days than i am comfortable admitting, i would go home at the end of a workday where i’d achieved nothing, sit on the couch in my living room, surf the internet until i fell asleep, and then wake up, only to do it all again. i felt empty and blank, and underneath those thick layers of emptiness and blankness i felt the licking flames of self-hatred and terror, and so there i would sit, watching the hours go by, on my couch.

sometimes i saw my friend nathalia, and we would laugh, and that would take some of the edge off of the tension that was winding its way around my stomach and my throat.

(eventually, i saw a psychiatrist, and started treatment - and medication, which, by the way, please talk to me if you’re reading this and feel some weird internal resistance to taking medication for mental health issues, because i get it and i’ve been there, and your feelings are valid, but oh my god it was absolutely the right decision to start taking medication and i will gladly tell anyone why - but the point is that eventually, i broke down, and my dad got me into an appointment. i have never felt more exhausted than when i was trying to navigate health insurance and the mental healthcare system in this country while mired in a particularly vicious period of anxiety and depression. and yet: i could afford it. and yet: i had a parent to call, who had the time and energy and means to help, who had a friend in D.C. who made a recommendation, who was able to get me an appointment two weeks after i finally broke down to another person on the phone. i cannot imagine how i would’ve gotten through the past year without the many, immense privileges and outside support systems that i so often take for granted. i’m fighting with my own brain every day, still, and yet i am still luckier than i will ever know.)

i can still picture my short walk from the metro stop nearest my office to the building where i worked. my stomach sunk every day.

but there were some good days, too, where i didn’t have to go to the office, or even worse, the capitol, and instead got to go to my favorite building in the city, and do something i knew i was good at. they don’t let you keep the tickets you get when you’re admitted to the supreme court as a member of the press corps, because you have to turn them back in to the security guard once you’re seated, but after my first visit i tried to remember to take pictures. i knew what i was doing, and i felt like it mattered. i got some work linked by a website i admire. on at least one occasion, i wrote a story that included the voice of a source none of the national reporters on the case had chosen to include, and it was an important voice, and i felt pride in the story and in myself. in february, rupsha came and visited me and the rest of her friends on her birthday, and mollie flew into town for the celebration. we got day drunk at a local bar, and successfully begged off a slice of birthday cake from the strangers who were celebrating their own camaraderie at a different table. i found a framing co-op near my neighborhood, and it felt very adult to know how to get to the place where i could get nice things framed. nathalia and i fell in love with an exhibit at the hirschorn about ragnar kjartansson, so we went twice and stayed for hours, and both times it mattered less that i’d spent so many nights and weekends unable to muster the willpower or even desire to leave my apartment, to explore the city where i lived. sometimes, often, i felt afraid. i never went to the monuments at night. the first five months of 2017 proceeded apace.

another shiny moment in the muck: i spent new year’s eve and new year’s day in brooklyn, first at a neighborhood bar and later on a rooftop and eventually in my best friend’s apartment. i made nathalia laugh so hard with a joke about potatoes that she snorted champaign out of her nose. i slept in a tent set up on the kitchen floor, and did almost nothing, but very happily. we had a spontaneous bachelorette lunch at the MoMA.  i spent the night of january 2nd curled up on a tiny loveseat in a tiny apartment, with my college roommate and her boyfriend, and the next day i borrowed a blue dress, and the three of us took the bus to city hall and bought flowers on the way, and then we helped another of our old roommates get married. i could write about my memories of this day for a very long time. it was easily one of my happiest memories of the year. after the vows, we went and ate italian food in a near-empty restaurant. after we parted ways, i went to books of wonder, made my way to the bus that would take me back to dupont circle, and read a book bobby gave me for graduation, and cried and cried and cried.

later in january i covered the protest beat at the inauguration, and watched about 50 reporters swarm a single burning trash can, and later one single burning car. i wondered how many other cars were burning in the city for reasons less obviously political. speaking of, i read this poem about four billion times. the things that bothered me at the end of 2016, including but not limited to the privilege of perceived neutrality, continued to bother me well into the new year. they bother me still. on the day in the present that i am writing this, it is international [working] women’s day, according to whoever decides these things.

also in january: after five reporters covered every conceivable angle of the inauguration, i was sent alone to cover the women’s march. i made the front page and i thought the print headline was weird and off-putting. i don’t think back on any part of january with fondness, except for the part where i saw a drunken astronaut give an amazingly concise speech. the president tried, and mostly succeeded, to ban refugees from entering the country. my brother slept over in DFW airport, passing out water bottles and screaming at the top of his lungs. my parents got home, weren’t sure where he’d gone, and then spotted him in the background of the coverage on the TV news. my cousin got her first period at the women’s march.

in february, zach was deciding where to go to college, and we gathered in austin on the flimsy pretense of data-gathering. it rained the whole time. most nights, on my walk home, i’d pass by protests. i went on a handful of unmemorable dates. rupsha’s aforementioned birthday, the best weekend of the month by far. more work.

in march and april: coverage of a new supreme court justice. some watercoloring and some beautiful weather with nathalia, and some time, but nowhere close to enough, with others. three different passover seders, many hours spent listening to aimee mann. the white house press secretary referred to concentration camps as “holocaust centers” and said, out loud, to other educated adults, that hitler “didn’t even sink to the level of using chemical weapons.”

just kidding: four different seders, including the best one, with rupsha, in new jersey. boo wore pink and miles found the afikomen. the anchor stayed in my stomach until the very end, but i saw more live music: overcoats with liz, the wild reeds with nathalia, where we stood right in the front, holding a plate of nachos and singing along.

in may i could see the light at the end of a tunnel and i flew to san francisco and i wanted to stay forever. at brunch, the young couple to our immediate left let us hold their sweet baby while they ate chicken biscuits. we went into a pirate-themed store and the department of imagination and we found a man in a storefront at the alleyway, embroidering at the end of the world. my stomach was hurting but it felt inevitable and fine.

i left my job two weeks early and drove home and didn’t feel better, and my brothers graduated high school. josh spent the week wearing dresses that suited him and walked the stage at graduation in well-fitting black heels.

the summer was a mixed bag. i sat and felt anxious in a workplace in which i felt i was not thriving, and sometimes i went home and had panic attacks. but my roommate was a comical nightmare, and i felt loved and embraced by a community that spread its arms in all directions. i crashed on couches and in beds every night of the last three weeks. i went to museums with my college roommates. we went to clubs and stayed out all night. K, still happily married, prodded me onto a surfboard. we went to lake placid and it was wonderful; we were in brooklyn and it was wonderful; i studied for the LSAT i still thought i would eventually take and stayed out late and it was wonderful. S visited and it was sometimes wonderful, and we had a conversation we had needed to have for a long, long time. by the time he reached the point he’d been avoiding, two days later, we were separated on the phone, and i stood on the street outside of rupsha’s apartment. i took notes and cried.

and then...what? i spent a week in malala, oregon, sleeping outside and flinging myself as far away from everything as i possibly could. i cried again in the airport and i wasn’t sure why. i moved to anchorage, alaska, and gradually fell in love, and maybe a post about this city is coming another day. i wrote a tiny bit about my job. i take two buses to work every day, and two buses home. i decided to run a 5k, and i half-walked half-ran with some regularity, and felt good about my body and also weird about my body. i ran the 5k. i went on more dates. i felt happy and unhappy. i went on a handful of hikes before the snow came down. i slept in a freezing cold and wind-battered tent. i made toddlers laugh and then i learned their names. we threw a birthday party for avril lavigne and watched old meg ryan movies on VHS. i listened to more great music. i made latkes and sufganiyot for hanukkah. one day erin and i came home from the gym one frosty morning only to find everyone standing on the back porch, watching two moose, a mama and a baby, taking a nap in our back yard.

on the last week of the year, i house-sat for a family with two high-energy dogs and one low-energy cat. i took allergy medicine and made good use of the borrowed car. i walked the dogs past streets named after the solar system and i drove the car down the highway and to frozen patches of beach along the coast. i spent new year’s eve in sweatpants at the blue fox. none of us wore any makeup and erin sang three karaoke songs with gusto. the countdown to 2018 took us all by surprise. i started reading more often. that was also very good.