#god i fucking hate being chronically ill i just wanna hang out with my friends and not be in pain

[bubblegumbeyotch]

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[oncamelliastreet]

how are you doing today :)

if i’m being completely honest: absolutely awful.

today was my first day back at school and it was the worst. i’m not talking to a lot of my “friends” (read:all but one) because they’ve all collectively shown me that they’re not great friends, and i don’t like to surround myself with negative people, but unfortunately at my school that’s pretty much everyone so it just makes for a very lonely day. and plus my best friend has cancelled on hanging out with me 3 times in the last week, and we were supposed to do something thursday this week but she cancelled yet again this morning because she spontaneously has to go to a theme park thursday :( and also whenever i talked to her today i could tell she wasn’t really listening, or we would be hanging out with her boyfriends friends and one of them very clearly doesn’t like me so i felt so awkward everytime i tried to participate in convo…

and my school is changing a bunch of their policies even though everything was completely fine last year, so now we can’t even use our phones in the halls during pass period because if they’re seen they’ll get taken, we’re not allowed to listen to music during class, the only time we’re allowed to have them out is during lunch. and ik a lot of schools are doing that but it’s still super annoying because as a queer person in a catholic, homophobic, sexist school filled with homophobic, racist, sexist students, i’m not very interested in making new friends, so i’m just extra lonely and i really have to sit in my loneliness now. and they changed our lunch system so there’s only two lunches instead of three, so it’s extra crowded and they had to open up a whole new room for people to sit in because it’s not big enough, and it’s an unorganized mess

plus, i have chronic migraines, so i woke up with a headache because i was clenching my jaw from stress all night, so i had a really bad headache all day and it felt like my head was just gonna roll off and i literally almost passed out like 3 times because i would get so dizzy when i stood up. i came home and went straight to bed with an ice pack, so its better now, but that was still very not fun and i won’t be surprised if it hurts again tomorrow :/

and…idk. i just hate the school year in general. it’s so hopeless to get home in the afternoon and feel like i can’t start anything because the whole day is done. by the time i find the motivation to do what i enjoy, it’s already 9 o’clock and i don’t feel like starting something like writing just to stop in a couple hours. or i’ll do it and stay up and then i’m so exhausted in the morning so i feel like im dying. i really wanna leave this school, but im staying because they have one of the best art programs in the country. senior year i might just give up.

and i don’t really get to relax for the rest of the week, tomorrow i have therapy (which i definitely need but i really hate doing things after school during the school week), wednesday i have to go wedding dress shopping with my sister pretty far away so ill probably get home from school, leave, and then come back and go to bed which will definitely make me feel like shit, thursday i have nothing thank god. and then i have friday off because it’s a holiday weekend but i have to move my sister into her dorm, and that will be depressing as fuck because she’s literally my best friend in the world and we have a really small age gap between us so we’ve always been super close and i’m gonna miss her like crazy. so.

sorry, i dumped all my problems on you :/ how was your day? hopefully better <3 thanks for asking

[matsbarzal]

What Jack Doesn’t Know (3) - Noah Hanifin

Notes: bet I would let Noah Hanifin get me pregnant any day... anywho here’s part 3!! also this ones got a little Noah action in it, but nothing spectacular :( next one I promise. ALSO, the end gets a kind of dramatic, and like, kind of bad? This is a trigger warning for a tiny mention of miscarriage towards the end, please don’t read if that is a trigger! 

Requested: kinda

Up next: undecided 

“Do you uh... do you um...”

“Do I know who the father is, mom?”

Shamefully nodding her head, your mom twisted her the hem of her sweater, a worried look on her face. “I do know who the father is. Before you ask, no, he doesn’t know about the baby.”

“Are you going to tell him?” 

Pursuing your lips, you shrugged your shoulders, “I don’t know... probably not? I told Jack I wasn’t going to but he thinks I should.”

“So Jack knows who it is?”

Nodding your head at your mom, you twirled the sonogram picture in your finger, eyeing the tiny speck that was slowly getting bigger and bigger. 

“Do you love him?”

Choking on the sip of water you took, you looked at her in shock. “Jesus mom, is this 20 questions? No I don't love him, we weren’t dating, obviously we forgot to use protection and now I've got a bit of an issue.”

“Noah Hanif-an, then?”

“Hanifin, mom, you’ve known him since we were 14. And possibly, yes.”

Ignoring your correction of Noah’s last name, she gestured for the sonogram in your hand. “At least my grandchild will be beautiful. He must have fantastic genetics. Have you seen him?”

Shaking your head in silent laughter at her words, you simply nodded your head, agreeing with her. 

A few moments of silence passed as the episode of Grey’s Anatomy played on the television screen.

‘Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.’

“God mom, what am I gonna do? I can’t... he can't know, this was such a mistake, I should’ve listened to Jack mom, fuck.” Tittering at the vulgar words leaving your mouth, your mom moved closer, wrapping her arm around you and pulling you towards her side as tears slipped from your eyes. 

“We’ll figure this out, baby. You’re not alone. You’ve got so many people around you, we’ll figure it out, we always have, haven't we?”

The offseason in Boston was filled with three things, parties, parties, and 4th of July parties. Or at least, thats what it usually was. The moment the beginning of June hit, and the party texts started flying in, you were able to avoid most of them, citing ‘chronic illness’, ‘babysitting’, ‘work’, and so forth as the reason why you couldn’t come.  

Those excuses became a little difficult when Jack showed up at your front door, unannounced, again. “I thought you were just avoiding Noah, not all of us. Even Auston’s worried about where the hell you’ve been, and Auston only cares about himself and his ripped jeans.” 

“I've been sick.”

“With Noahitis? You’re not even showing, the least you can do is show up at some parties and act like you don't hate everyone all of a sudden. Everyone’s blaming Noah anyways, they think he broke your heart or something. Only if they knew the truth.” 

Shoving Jack, you ignored his comment. “I don’t wanna be around a bunch of drunk hockey players and puck bunnies, Jack. It’s not healthy, what if I get shoved or something? Or if someone spikes my drink? I don’t want to fuck this thing up before it gets out of its pea-sized phase.”

Rolling his eyes, Jack plopped down on the couch beside you, pulling the duvet that was covering you over his legs. “One party, that’s all I’m asking for. I’m hosting a 4th of July party. It’ll be the only party this summer before everyone goes home and stuff, please come. A few of the girls wanna see you too.” 

The ginger pleaded with you, his attempt at puppy dog eyes just making you completely uncomfortable. “Ugh, fine. Stop making that face, it’s making you look uglier than you already are.” 

“Wow, add a bit of Noah’s genetics into your body and you’re suddenly a female him. Disgusting.”

“And you can’t see anything? It still looks completely flat?” Your mom nodded her head for the fourth time. The black and white shirt hung loose, with a small zipper at the top being the only tight part of it. Matched with a pair of black bottoms, you couldn’t deny that it outlined your curves and did not, whatsoever show your non-existent bump.

“You look the same that you looked last summer, now go, before Jack sends the mob looking for you.” 

Laughing, you grabbed your car keys from the table. Pulling the front door open, you made your way towards the car. Not being able to drink had its perks, you were able to drive yourself to and from parties, you didn’t have to worry about being an idiot, and you could leave whenever you wanted to. 

Your house was a quick ten minute drive from Jack’s, the proximity between your two houses being part of the reason why you grew up such good friends. 

Parking your car on the street outside Jack’s house, you walked towards the door, opening it, you were immediately hit with the loud voices and music pumping through the front of the house. 

“(Y/N)!” A chorus of your name went throughout the dining room, which had apparently been turned into the beer pong room, with the looks of it. Smiling and waving at a few of yours and Jack’s mutual friends, you felt yourself being tugged into the kitchen, an arm around your waist.

“My favourite girl is here! (Y/N)!” God, Jack was the most obnoxious drunk.

“You’re already off it Eichel?” 

“You’re not my mom, (Y/N), boss your own kid around.” 

Pinching his wrist, you encircled your own arm around his waist, a grin plastered across your face. You missed this. Hanging out with your drunk friends, seeing everyone so happy and enthusiastic and just living life. 

You felt a solo cup being thrust into your hand, which you tried to hand back, just for the person to reject it. A fake smile went across your lips in thanks at the other person as they yelled past you to whoever was apparently, “breaking the fucking vase, you crackhead.”

Looking towards the culprit, you made direct eye contact with Noah’s blue eyes, a large smirk overtaking his face as he caught your eye. 

“(Y/N)!” Yelling, Noah walked towards you, ignoring the person yelling about the vase he pulled you into his arms, his hands resting on your waist as he hugged you.

Awkwardly hugging him back, he pulled away and smiled down at you. “Hi, Noah.” 

“Man, I haven’t seen you in like... a month. Where’ve ya been?” 

Shrugging your shoulders at him, “Ya know... around and stuff.”

“Oh okay, whatcha drinking? Want a refill? Apparently Jack’s being a terrible host tonight.” Leading you towards the table stacked with alcohol, Noah gestured towards the multiple bottles. 

“Pick your poison, I’ll mix you a great drink. Those Swedes in Carolina have been teaching me how to make some mean Swedish drinks.”

“Oh uh... I’ll just grab a cup of sprite or coke or something.”

Looking at you weirdly, Noah shook his head. “Nah. C’mon, one drink. You always drink at these parties, you’re always the life of the party. Especially after.” 

Lowering his voice and his head for the last comment, Noah got closer to your ear. The hand that was still on your waist began gently rubbing circles against the exposed skin there. “Jack won’t know if we just... disappear, babe.”

A shudder ran through your body at the feeling of him so close, a tingle running right to your core at the images that ran through your brain. The coherent part of you shook your head, gently pulling yourself out of Noah’s arms. “We shouldn’t do that anymore, we promised Jack we wouldn’t.”

“When has that ever stopped us before, baby?” Moving closer to you again, you didn’t realize that he was cornering you into the wall until your back hit it, a soft gasp leaving your lips. 

“You should only be making that sound when you’re bouncing on me, you know that (Y/N).” 

“Noah I... I need to go to the bathroom.” Shoving past him, you ran towards the stairs, skipping each second step as you made your way upstairs and towards Jack’s ensuite bathroom. Locking the door after you entered, you turned the sink tap on cold, gently holding your sweaty hands underneath the cool water.

Your head felt like it was spinning. He always knew how to do this to you, make you want him until you were going crazy. This is exactly what got you in the predicament in the first place. Shaking it off, you moved towards the toilet, pulling your shorts down and then your panties, you didn’t notice the spot on the light blue until you were sat down. 

When you did a soft cry left your mouth. Red... everywhere. Wiping yourself revealed more of your nightmare, and more red. 

Pulling your panties and shorts back on, you rushed to wash your hands, pulling the bathroom door open to run, quite literally, into a hard chest.

“(Y/N)?” 

“Get out of my way, Noah. I need to go.” You didn’t realize the nervous tears were flowing down your cheeks until Noah swiped one off. 

“You shouldn’t drive like this kid, what’s wrong?” 

“Noah, I really need to go, please get out of the way.” Shaking his head, Noah gestured to the keys in his hand. 

“Let me take you home, you shouldn’t drive when you’re this upset. You can even tell me what’s wrong on the way there, I won’t make any snide remarks, please?”

“I’m not going home, Noah.” You tried to push past him against, just for him to gently grab your arm. “Let me drive you wherever you’re going then.”

“Jesus, Noah. I need to go to the hospital, can you please just let me go, for fuck sakes?”