#god i feel so guilty but i was getting so overwhelmed by how many dms i was getting

[i-write-sin-not-tragedy]

Okay hi guys i am so sorry for how abrupt this is; but I've decided to shut off my DMs for a while.

In the last few days I've gotten a really big influx of people trying to message/talk to me and while i deeply appreciate it, its been making my social anxiety go absolutely nuts to the point im too stressed to even get on tumblr half the time.

Im not mad or blocking anyone just for trying to speak to me!! In fact im very thankful this many people think im cool enough to talk to (im really not lol)

But my anxiety had just been crushing and with the advice of some close friends i think this is the best way to go about it for now. I apologize if this hurts anyones feelings, you are totally welcome to unfollow me if this genuinely bothers you, i get it, im just putting my own mental health first.

My ask box is still open and i will answer those as i have time!

[kaustic]

Another check-in

I cried tonight (well technically I'm still crying but that's just semantics). I think I've cried at least once every day since he's passed. But, yeah. It hit me again tonight that he's actually gone and that this is permanent. I keep forgetting that. He was such a light in my life and now it feels dim. Sometimes I'll feel guilty for just watching a stream or video because it's not fair that we're still here but he's not.

I still haven't been able to rewatch some of his videos, despite how much I want to. I don't want to associate them with grieving or the happiness that I get from them to be tainted with sadness, even though I don't think they'll ever be able to bring me the same comfort again. They'll always be bittersweet, which is just insult to injury.

I'm also just broken-hearted for his family. So much of my grieving process is realizing what a person's passing means for the people closest to them and how those wounds never truly heal. I mean, hell it's been ten years since my grandfather died and I can't go a week without thinking about him and missing him.

But god. I miss Techno so much. A part of me feels like the world is moving on and that I'm still stuck here overwhelmed with grief. And I feel so angry because I feel like people shouldn't move on because how can they when we lost someone so important but I know that's unrealistic and people deserve to move on and find peace and happiness in times of struggle. And I know people aren't just moving on and forgetting it happened and that many people are still mourning. But god, I feel so alone in my grief. Which, I guess, is why I like doing these because it makes me feel less alone.

God, I miss him so fucking much. It destroys me knowing that he was only a little older than my sibling cause god he had his whole life ahead of him. And I'm also so glad that we could be a part of the best years of his life but God he should've had so many more years than he go. He was still a kid. God I miss him. I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him. The things I would give to have him back. As always my inbox and dms are open to anyone still struggling. The last thing you need while grieving is to feel alone. Love you guys <3

Oh! I finally gathered the courage to visit the memorial on Hypixel. Sobbed like a bitch but it was nice writing something to Technoblade that his family will be able to have, even if they never read it. It was beautiful seeing all the people there.

[favefandomimagines]

Soul Surfer 6

AN: SURPRISE BITCHES chapter 6 came early!!! we get some cute Kie/Sarah/Violet action in this as well as some John B/Violet! we stan healthy platonic relationships!!

ALSO: i can’t tag anymore people 😭 i’ve reached the 50 tags limit! if anyone has any suggestions to tag more people, dm me!!

It had been around five days since Violet had spoken to JJ. Kiara made sure that the girl still knew that her, John B and Pope still wanted her around. They weren’t about to give up two friends because JJ was being an idiot.

Kiara knew that Violet was worried that they’d stop hanging out with her because JJ was their best friend. But to Kiara, Violet was also her best friend. In such a short amount of time too.

Violet had been throwing herself into work, all of the orders keeping her mind busy from wandering to JJ. Which it often did most nights and then she resorted to watching true crime shows on Netflix as a distraction.

JJ wasn’t doing any better. He kept trying to get her to talk to him so he could apologize but it was no use. Violet wouldn’t budge. He hated not being able to see her and to talk to her. He had to go back to sleeping at John B’s whenever he was afraid to go home. Of course he was grateful he had a place to go, but he wanted it to be Violet.

Violet hadn’t seen Pope and John B since the night at the Boneyard. She didn’t want them picking sides between her and JJ. It would have made her feel more guilty than she already did.

Kiara and Sarah, however, made sure they stuck by her like glue. Violet couldn’t seem to shake them but she didn’t mind at all.

Violet, Sarah and Kiara were presently at The Wreck having a well needed girls day.

“Okay, okay, Vi. If you had to choose: Harry Styles or Tom Holland?” Sarah asked. “That’s not fair! It’s like asking me to pick a favorite child!” Violet replied. Kiara and Sarah laughed at the girl’s response as she pondered the thought.

“Okay, fine. Harry Styles. Any day of the week.” Violet answered. The three girls sat at their table, falling into mindless conversation about boys and clothes, just happy they were able to spend time together, when the bell on top of the door rang.

Their attention was grabbed by the sound. Violet’s heartbeat sped up rapidly when her eyes landed on the blonde boy.

“Vi, I didn’t know he’d be here.” Kiara said quietly. “It’s fine.” Violet said, fidgeting with the rings on her fingers.

“Hey guys! You didn’t tell us you were hanging out today.” John B greeted the three. “Last time I checked this is girls day. Which you are not.” Kiara sassed back.

Violet refused to look up at her friend as they conversed with each other. She could feel JJ’s eyes on her and it made her skin feel on fire.

It was starting to slowly overwhelm her and she heard JJ utter a few words, she quickly got up from her chair and exited the establishment. Sarah and Kiara looked at each other before JJ followed after her.

“Violet!” He called. Violet didn’t stop walking, not wanting to face him. “Please talk to me.” JJ begged, grabbing her arm gently. “I told you to leave me alone.” Violet said, ripping her arm from his grasp.

She still refused to look at him, knowing that if she did, she’d actually end up listening to his potential apology.

“God, can you at least look at me?” He asked. Violet paused a moment before she finally looked up at him.

Only then did he see how upset she really was. At the Boneyard, the darkness hid her face and he silently wished for that again.

“What do you wanna say, JJ? You’re sorry? Sorry for what you said? You wish you could take it all back? Well you can’t! I trusted you. I didn’t tell anyone about my mom and you decided to use that against me.” Violet snapped. “Violet, I,” JJ started before the brunette scoffed and turned away.

JJ was persistent, however, going after Violet once more in another desperate attempt to get her to listen to him.

“I screwed up! I know that! I was mad at Rafe for what he said and instead of finishing to take it out on him, I took it out on you and I’m sorry!” JJ said.

Violet rolled her eyes and kept ignoring him by the time they approached her house.

“Please, JJ, just stop.” She pleaded quietly. JJ could see the hurt in her eyes. How her once bright, cerulean blue eyes were now a darker shade. He would describe it as how the ocean looked during a storm. And he wanted nothing more than to stop her pain.

Before either of them could continue with the painful conversation, the sound of raised voices alerted them both.

“Vivienne, you need to leave now.” Rob’s voice said. JJ watched as Violet’s eyes widened and the color seemingly drained from her face. “She’s my daughter too, Rob.” A woman said.

The two ‘adults’ walked on to the porch and their conversation ceased when they saw Violet and JJ.

“Violet, honey,” Vivienne started. “No. No, this is not happening.” She muttered. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Violet sneered. “Language, young lady.” Her mother scolded her. “You lost the right to tell me what to do when you gave up your parental rights!” Violet yelled.

“Vi, it’s okay.” Her older brother, Nick, said. Violet looked at her brother in disbelief at the fact that he was defending their mother.

Nick was three years older than Violet, the two being inseparable since Violet was born. That was until their mother took him and left. When Nick was old enough, he reached back out to Violet and their father trying to rebuild that bond they once shared. It worked for the most part though Violet never told Nick where they moved to.

“Both of you shut up.” Violet snapped. She turned around quickly when she realized JJ was still standing close to her. “You were right. Guess I am a sad little rich girl with mommy issues.” She muttered to him before she took off running.

“Violet!” Rob yelled. “Vi!” JJ added. The two males looked at each other momentarily before their gaze returned to Violet’s fleeting figure.

__

“You shouldn’t have come here, Vivienne. You knew what this would do to her.” Rob told his ex wife. “She’s still my child. I have a right.” Vivienne said. “You lost your right when you left! You signed away your parental rights to Violet the second you signed the divorce papers.” Rob yelled.

The room fell in a silence, though that didn’t stop the two teenage boys from eavesdropping on the porch.

“It’s been 10 years. 10 years and I’ve taken care of Violet just fine. We have been just fine.” Rob added.

Back on the porch, JJ and Nick sat on sides from each other. “So, you Violet’s boyfriend?” Nick asked, breaking the silence. “God, I wish.” JJ muttered before quickly correcting himself.

“Uh, no. We’re just friends. Or at least we were before I messed it up.” He added. Nick was quiet for a moment as he moved to lean on the porch railing.

“Take it from me, losing Violet sucks. But, if you beg and plead enough, she’ll let you back in.” He said. “Did you tell your mom Violet and Rob were here?” JJ asked. “God, no. Violet didn’t even tell me. Just because I’m back in her good graces doesn’t mean she tells me everything.” the older boy answered.

JJ thought for a moment until he realized he might know where Violet went.

On one of the many adventures JJ and Violet had together, JJ took her to a secret clearing he once discovered when he was running from his dad.

“Where are you taking me?” Violet asked with a laugh. “You ask too many questions.” JJ answered. “I’ve seen Criminal Minds, is this where you kill me?” She questioned. “No, pretty girl. I couldn’t survive without seeing that face every day.” JJ replied flirtatiously.

Violet rolled her eyes until they came upon a clearing in the woods. There was a small waterfall that went into a small pond below. “Wow, it’s beautiful.” She commented.

“That’s not the only thing.” JJ said, hoping Violet wouldn’t hear him but she did. “I know how you’ve been missing home so I thought this would help.” The blonde said.

Violet looked up at JJ before she wrapped her arms around him. “Thank you.” Violet whispered.

JJ knew Violet wouldn’t want him to be the one to find her, so he sent a text to the rest of the Pogues.

Kie had to work, as did Pope, and Sarah was dealing with her own messed up familial issues. John B was the only one able to go find Violet. JJ trusted him to talk her off whatever edge she found herself on.

The boy wandered through the woods, following JJ’s instructions, though the teenager wasn’t so good at giving directions. He swatted at the numerous bugs getting in his face when he found the clearing.

He saw Violet sitting on a rock, her feet dangling in the water. “Fancy seeing you here.” John B announced.

Violet turned around and saw her distant friend standing a few feet away. “How’d you find me?” She asked. “JJ. He figured you wouldn’t want to see him but he wanted to make sure you were okay.” John B explained, walking towards her.

He sat down on the rock next to her as the two looked at the waterfall for a moment.

“Did he tell you what happened?” Violet asked. “No. He told me some family stuff was going on and wanted someone to check on you. Said it was your story to tell.” He answered.

Violet sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. “He’s really trying, isn't he?” She asked him. “He really likes you, Vi. He’s never fallen this hard before and I don’t think he knows how to handle it. But yeah, he really is trying.” John Be said.

After an hour, John B drove Violet back home. By that point, the sun had set and it was already dark.

Violet sat in the van, staring at her house for a moment. Scared of what she was going to walk into. “It’s now or never.” John B told her. “And I’ll tell JJ you’re okay.” He added.

The girl groaned before getting out of the van. She gave John B a small wave as she slowly walked up the stairs.

“You’re back.” A voice said. Violet jumped and turned in that direction to see her brother sitting on the porch swing. Violet sighed and took a seat next to him.

“That guy was here for a while. At least two hours. We heard mom and dad fighting about you.” Nick said. “He really cares about you.” He added.

“So I’ve been told.” She muttered. “You sticking around?” She asked. “That’s why I’m here. I’m getting emancipated and I needed dad to sign off on the papers and mom followed me here. When I caught on she said it had something to do with getting us back or whatever. She’s crazy.” Nick explained.

“Tell me something I don’t know. So can I count on you to help me get rid of her?” Violet asked. “What are brothers for?” NIck replied.

Violet rested her head on her brother’s shoulder, her brain working a mile a minute.

Tag list: @outerbxmalia @hockeyschmockey @allie-mcginn @prejudic3 @sexualparkour @k-k0129 @iamaunicorn4704 @milamaybank @jj-maybabe @diverrdown @sweetwatermelonsugar @alexa-playafricabytoto @aaleksmorozova @fandom-phaser @princessmugglecup @infinityspaceuniverse @teamnick @lulbabes @frankiebcanon @srirachabi @starxdame @holadrxrry @lopineapples @belledutchess @floridabornandraised @obbx-tings @x-lulu @hopelesswritingxd @prettyboyspence @junkiemuppettxx @shawnssongs @theloxersclub @99sxuxii @jeyramarie @miliefayy @rudths @y0ungandfuckingdumb @xealia @hotel-colson @bubblesam06 @outrbank @thebendslikebendover @wasted-on-5sos @booksandshish @drizzlethatfalls @runway-to-my-aid @never-ever-too-many-fandoms @xlittlemissydjx @strawberryblondies @haharudy @chickencrispers666 @simonsbluee @httpstarkey @kylable

[lovelybrittxo]

where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

[the-colony-roleplay]

THREAD TRACKING, DMS/ASKS & CONSIDERATE ROLEPLAYING

Hey kiddlies! 

So, I wanted to take this time to address a couple of small things that have been brought to my attention lately. As all of you know, here at the Colony we pride ourselves on our exceptional inclusivity, friendliness and sense of community support. When new members who join the family stay and feel a part of the team, it is thanks to how much we, as an entire unit, prioritize making sure new members know just how enthused we are to have them here, as well as reaching out to help engage them into our ongoing plots and into the verse. 

As an extensive worldbuilding RP with many long-term members, we know that it can be intimidating to get started when you’re new to the verse, so this is a huge factor in why we are still successful today and how we continue to grow and evolve as a unified, loving community. You are also all aware of the kinds of attitudes we don’t condone here, and can sometimes be rampant in the RPC. We believe that the key to forming a unified, safe and long-lasting roleplay is by prioritizing what I sometimes call the ‘rule of the three Cs’: collaboration, communication, and consideration.

Consideration is a big one. Because I can not tell you the amount of RPs I have joined and been disappointed by by the sheer self-involved mentality of individual members—or the amount of times I’ve heard horror stories from all of you. Yes, roleplay is meant to be fun, it is a pastime—but because group RPs are, by nature, an activity of collaboration, they literally only work when you can consider the perspectives, feelings and positions of everyone in it with you. Like a true team. I know... most of you are probably not sports players (lol) but if you can imagine being on a basketball team where no one considered every teammate equally, and put their own egos aside to play as a team, well—they would never win anything. Ever. Also, (and possibly more importantly, because nothing in RP is a competition or about ‘wining’): they would never have any fun.

Now, I’m bringing all this up, not because anyone has done anything wrong or against these practices, but because I want you all to understand why I believe this RP stands out the way it does, why we continue to foster and grow, and why I take the team-player aspect and consideration of others so seriously. Because it is literally the foundation on which this unique community is built on. We are very aware of how problematically inconsiderate so many RPs can be, and how disheartening it is to feel like you are being ignored or excluded, or like people are not interested in writing with you.

SOME CONCERNS & PLATFORM ISSUES

So, with all that said, I’m sure you will all understand why I take any complaints about lack of communication or feeling left out very seriously. Fortunately, we hear almost exclusively positive feedback in terms of communication and members feeling not just included, but all around adored and supported. We could not be prouder of each and every one of you for making this RP the safe place that it is. However, with recent issues and glitches with the tumblr platform certainly not helping matters, there have been a couple of patterns flagged recently and brought to Mod attention, involving the dropping of threads and lack of replying to DMs or asks. 

Now, I do know that this is probably mostly due to the activity notification thing shitting the bed (thanks tumblr), as well as the unreliability (is that a word?) of notifications for DMs and Asks. However, I’m going to address it anyway, mention a few tips that may help us work around the platform’s glitches, and also just be more personally mindful and responsible. 

So, being mindful to check your replies, your messages, your threads—it’s all part of being a considerate and responsible RPer, and someone who is able to function in a team environment. And it’s so, so important to remember that being considerate of others is not a single-lane highway. It doesn’t only apply to not dropping threads and replying to messages—it also applies to being allowed to drop threads if you need to, to being met with understanding if you are feeling overwhelmed, or have fallen behind or lost muse, etc. This is important because we do not want anyone to be afraid to say anything to help themselves because they are too concerned about hurting someone’s feelings. In fact, the most mature and polite thing to do, and the kind of conduct we expect from each and every one of you, is that you treat people with the same respect and understanding you would want to be treated with. And that includes patience, as much as it does communication and consideration. 

Again, I really want to stress how unbelievably proud I am of this community and of everything that you all do to take care of each other. There isn’t a single person here who I think would ever intentionally ignore someone or drop threads or be inconsiderate and I literally have never been in another RP that has felt as kind and warm as you people make this place. So seriously, thank you so much. 

But I’m sure that it also makes sense to you why I absolutely will not tolerate behaviour that is exclusive or inconsiderate of others under any circumstances. If I’m hearing that people’s messages are getting ignored consistently, or that people are skipping or dropping threads consistently without contacting the people they are RPing with about it, then I have cause for concern. 

Fortunately, I know the lot of you well enough that I trust that these few circumstances that have arisen are likely thanks to inconsistent tumblr notifications, at best, and at worst, simple absent mindedness we are all guilty of from time to time! 

So without further adieu... 

THREAD TRACKING TIPS AND TRICKS! WEE!!

So, in terms of threads—if you know you are losing track of things, just be mindful to keep an open dialogue with your fellow RPers, and do not just rely on the notification panel in tumblr. (Dear God, please don’t, it’s the actual worst). A good trick I find useful is to check out your own character blog (or character-exclusive posts but on the dash, if you know what i’m referring to, I never know how to explain that, haha)—take the ten extra seconds to remind yourself who you’ve been RPing with the past couple of weeks, because that’s often how I find accidentally missed threads. This kind of thinking and mindfulness just makes it easier to keep up with things. And remember! Everyone misses stuff sometimes! It happens to the best of us (including your ol’ Papa!Mod) so when it does happen, just be proactive and reach out to whoever you’re RPing with. Or, if it happens to you, don’t be afraid to connect with your fellow RPer and touch base about a thread’s status. 

I have also heard really good things about Rp Thread Tracker, which I know some of you use already. Now, some of you may be worried that it will be too complicated or too much of a hassle to set up, and so you avoid it, (which has been the case/reasoning with myself) but I’ve been assured by several people that although they had the same concerns, the set up is super easy, only takes a few minutes, and is kind of a life safer. It also is actually possible to track multiple threads based off one open starter—once you get the replies it’s just a matter of setting it up to be tracked. 

So, you can find that tool here, if you are interested in using it. But you can also check out this tutorial if you want to get an idea of how it works, or help setting it up for yourself! Of course, this is not by any means mandatory, but it is a really good option for people who might be interested, and something I think a lot of you might want to consider if you have a hard time tracking! 

I think one of the great things about this community is there has never had to be a.... hard rule about replying to threads in order or anything like that. Partly because a) that’s kind of impossible to manage and guarantee and b) we do want to be flexible for muse and time and all kinds of things like that! After all, writing and creativity is not a hard science! But one thing members here have always done really really well, is just being naturally considerate of your RP partners, giving them a head’s up if you’re needing more time to figure out how to reply to their thread, and doing your best to not skip threads consistently. (Skipping threads on a consistent basis in favour of only replying to a select few characters would constitute as bubble RPing, but fortunately, that has never been a problem here.) 

However, we always want to avoid making anyone feel ignored or hurt, by skipping their replies—so please, if you are struggling with muse for certain threads, do not be afraid to be honest with your RP partner about it. They will understand and will feel much better knowing it’s not something personal, or something they did, or like you simply aren’t interested in writing with them. As a member of Colony 22, we will hold you to your ability to be mature and considerate of others. It is by far one of our most important requirements. And since I know you are all the nicest, sweetest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of writing with, I want all of you to pay close attention to occasions or habits that have the potential of being misconstrued as hurtful or negligent. 

DMS AND ASKS: OOC COMMUNICATION

So this is all pretty self explanatory, and verging on repetitive as much of what’s been covered above applies here as well. And just to be even more repetitive (because it’s a thing I do super well apparently), I am so unbelievably impressed with everyone’s attitudes and contribution here, so my bringing this up is more in the interest of calling attention to habits that may have formed that could be interpreted as hurtful by other members, even if that is not the intention!

So, if tumblr notifications with DMs are letting you down, or you know you’re likely liable to forget to reply to things if you see them on your phone, try to be mindful of checking things like that next time you log in. Take responsibility to check messages you might have missed, or forgotten to reply to when you were out and about and busy with life as we know it.

Now, this is coming from a person who can’t stand phone notifications. If you message me while I’m busy or on my phone, I probably will not reply to you because ~anxiety~. And hey, so many of us have it, so we all get it, you know? So not to worry. But that just means that the considerate thing to do in return of being treated with compassion and understanding by others, is to make sure to double check those things when we do have time. Make sure we aren’t leaving anyone hanging. Because another thing I absolutely will not tolerate in this RP is people ignoring messages about threads or plotting requests etc. Just do not do it. This community is your team, your family. This community is my family too, and as a moderator (and Papa!) I am very protective of each and every one of you and your comfort and happiness is of the utmost importance to both Lottie and I. 

So if you know you are likely a bit flakey when it comes to responding to messages (it’s okay! it happens!), please take care to amend that. To do what you can to make up for it when you log in at a more convenient time. Get back to people. Do not ignore people. And if you do feel like you are overwhelmed and you need to drop some older threads or anything like that, this is a safe place to do that! You will have moderator support and community support. We have all been there, so there is no need to be worried or afraid of being judged or letting anyone down. It is not that kind of community! So if that happens, and someone is asking about an older thread, please try to feel comfortable being honest with them, and asking for what you need, be it extra time, or to drop it in the interest of focusing on new future things :) 

And, if you don’t feel comfortable, for any reason, please know that Lottie and I are here to support you! We have had some of our lovely children come to us before feeling nervous or worried about threads getting backed up or falling behind or lack of muse due to extreme anxiety when looking at their drafts.... and we have always helped them through it! There is a solution, we promise you, and we know that sometimes it just takes a little reminder that yes, it is okay to let things go and that you have literally every person’s support here. No matter what you’re going through, we are here for you; as a mods, and as a community, we will do whatever we can to assist in easing some of your stresses and and getting back to the basics of why you enjoy RP in the first place! 

Basically, there is never any excuse to ignore anyone. Be honest, and be mindful, and if you have any trouble, whatever the cause or kind, come to the mods—either individually or to the main, whatever makes you most comfortable. But if I hear of anyone consistently ignoring anyone’s messages it is something I will take seriously as that is not at all being a team player, and I will be forced to have to ask for names and address the issue with that person directly. And no one here wants to call anyone out or throw anyone under the bus or make anyone feel bad, because at the end of day, we all love each other very much—so I’m sure it’s in everyone’s best interest if I don’t have to do that.

IN CLOSING... 

Alright, thank you VERY MUCH for taking the time to tread this really long post. Thank you for your understanding, your team work, your love and commitment, your talent and joy. Thank you to those of you who felt comfortable bringing their concerns to my attention, and thank you to everyone for being the supportive and considerate little nerds ya’ll are. The concerns that were brought to me were pretty aware of it likely being a tumblr notif problem, but the people who did mention it to me were more concerned about other people being upset, than themselves. So I think that’s a really stinkin’ good sign of how sweet ya’ll are, and I want you all to know how deeply Lottie and I appreciate you. You are hands down the best, most considerate and fun group of writers I’ve ever had the pleasure of writing with, and I’m so grateful for you all everyday!

Keep up the fantastic work everybody!! And as always, if anyone has any questions or concerns regarding this post, please do not hesitate to bring them to us. Finally, please be sure to like this post so I know that you’ve read it. Thank you!!

Much love and sparkles!

xxMod!Ro

[clockways]

Things I learned by trying (and failing) to be a DM

Today my current efforts at being a DM (a Dungeon Master for tabletop RPGs) come to a close. Over the last several months I lead a group of adventures- and one shrub puppy- through a forest being corrupted by an ancient evil and the druid it influenced. They never made it to the temple to find out it was a blight akin to Gulthias or to make their way through my carefully planned traps. It wasn’t a total party kill that ended it, but a series of events. Some of these events I feel were my fault and some I chalk up to the players- but I feel all of it was a learning experience.

With D&D (and the like) finding a purchase in the current age I though I’d share them with you. (More Under the Cut)

I’m going to divide this into two parts because D&D itself  is divided up into two:

The Group

The Game

After all, at it’s heart that’s what D&D is about- a group of people playing a cooperative game. They have to work together or they will fail. As a DM you’ve got to manage both the players and the game. It’s more than a little bit like managing a classroom.

(Some brief information about my group- it was online and all stranger save one. I had played a brief session or two many years ago but never DMed before. Many of my players were new or nearly new also.)

1. The Group

I thought I had prepared well. I was trying to follow the very wise advice of making sure you and your players were on the same page. I spoke about how we were going to play- using roll 20 as we would be an online group, made sure they were accepting of being run by a female DM, talked about the type of game I’d be running, and set up that we’d play Friday or Saturday night once or twice a month. I was wrong.

Herding Cats: Scheduling would be my early undoing. Anyone who’s tried to get a group of friends together for a meal knows the challenge of it. Trying to get a group of strangers together to play a game where any absence matters is even harder. Trying to be overly accommodating started off my DMing existence with extra frustrations.

What I learned: Set a fixed day and time. For us it turned into every third Friday of the month. If a play can’t make it- it’s their obligation to not only inform you, but inform a fellow player who will take over their character.

Communication Is Key: For some reason getting players to respond to questions, inquires, or just to have them tell you things is a struggle. A player left the game without a word to me after a death, though they planned out their new character already. Sending out emails for the above scheduling issue was followed up by a general lack of response. Asking player’s opinions on a possible house rule never got full feedback. Not everyone was guilty of all sin and some were worse than others, but it was an issue. And I get it, life is busy, but as a DM yours is even more so in the context of the game.

What I learned: Expect poor communication. Any question you put out there to try and accommodate/decide things with the group set a time limit on. After x days, just go with your gut or you’ll be stuck in limbo more than you’d like.

Technology: It will just hate you.

What I learned: Plan about 15 minuets of every game at least to deal with technology issues if you’re running an online game. Have back up plans. If you deal with technology day in and day out like me, consider that an online game might not be for you.

tldr: There’s a lot going on being a DM other than running the game. You’re the parent/teacher/authority figure of the group. And depending on your willingness/ability to deal with that it could ruin the experience for you. I’m a college instructor and every session just turned into another class I had to teach. Strongly consider setting up a second in command who can help with scheduling and fielding issues. This player lead can handle absent players, general questions, and scheduling- bringing things to you when needed and let you focus on the game.

2. The Game

The Good, the bad... and let’s be honest, mostly the bad: D&D is epic tales of heroes and dragons! Saving the world and slaying beasts! Except when it isn’t. Your players want epic stories, but more than not they’re not playing a hero- at least not to start. Expect your players to craft selfish, flawed, and hard to motivate characters. And be alright with this! Flawed characters are more interesting, but can screw up that campaign you had planned where they go off to save a town.

What I learned: Start off with smaller quests with obvious motivation. While some players may risk life and limb for good, money is usually a better plan for your first adventures. Don’t try to go too epic too soon or it will feel like you’re pulling teeth to get a character interested.

Grouping Up: Trying to get your characters to form that initial group is the most awkward part of any campaign. Obviously they know they’re supposed to form a group with the other players and yet this is the hardest thing to manage. It feels contrived, belligerent, and like bad writing- even when you tried your best to give them all motivation. Inevitably you’ll have that one player who just wont want to.

What I learned: Start the game off with them already as a group- or all showing up for the same job- and skip this. If I ever DM again, starting off with a version of ‘you all take up the call travel to the new village and put yourself as it’s defense out a love for gold/your god/the chance to explore the x’. Smooth past that awkward moment to start the game off better.

The Books- oh god the books: There’s a lot to learn as a DM. Even saying there’s a lot to learn underestimates how much there is to learn. It can feel overwhelming to look at that pile of books and know what’s going on. If you’re a nervous wreck about looking like an idiot as I can be, this just adds to the fun. And this is without all the other things you may not know. How far can a person walk in a day? What’s the weather like in this sort of geography? Would that burn? It can be a bit much.  

What I learned: Be honest with your players about your level of knowledge. Be willing to stop the game and looking something up. And be willing for flow to say ‘we’ll say it’s this for the moment and I’ll look it up after game’. It’s okay not to know or need to do research. Be ready to not know things. Planning something simpler for the first few games will also help this along with good notes.

Home Brewing: If you’re a creative person like me, your gut is to make your own campaign. You want to get your hands dirty and build a world. To me this is where the fun of DMing is. But it’s also overwhelming and ties in with the above issue. There’s a lot you don’t know- even if you think you do- and a lot to make up on the fly. While it’s fun, if you try to go to big too fast, not only with this cause other problems, but it will cause you problems.

What I learned: If you can, find a campaign that’s suppose to be a session or two that’s already written. Edit how you need, but start with that. It will help you get your feet under you, your players settled, and then you can run with it from there.

tldr: The amount of planning you’ll need to do as a DM is astounding. If you’re home brewing you’re going to be at an hour of planing to an hour of play on average. Sometimes more, sometimes less. That means if you’re the DM and you play 8 hours a month, you’re spending 16 hours a month on D&D. Be ready for that time commitment and make things as easy on yourself as you can. Start small and then grow the world or consider using a pre-built campaign to cut down on the load. 

Conclusion: Overall I really enjoyed being a DM, but I also really dreaded it. I think I would do it again, but I’ve learned a lot about how to approach it differently both for my players but even more so for myself. This is a lot of blather (with a lot of typo’s I’m sure) and at the end of the day it’s all my personal opinions. Your millage may vary and I have a lot left to learn, but maybe it will help someone.

No matter what, my hat goes off to all the DMs out there. And if you’re a player, do something nice for your DM. They work hard for your enjoyment.

[28-11s]

i’m going to start off this post with an apology for disappearing again, especially before valentine’s day. i was trying to hold back from doing it so i could spend the 14th with you and finally ask you out on a date but my need to ghost prevailed and well. yeah. it’s been rough like it hasn’t been in months, (and i think you understood it since i haven't posted here in days) but i guess it is because i’ve been dealing with constant uneasiness? i’m actually not sure what’s wrong, though. do you ever feel anxious even when things are going well? like, you cannot sleep or focus on your work or do anything really because you’re too busy feeling overwhelmed? it’s horrible, especially when you cannot pinpoint the reason and so you end up just locking yourself away. we're going to blame mercury retrograde and not my mental health, tho. especially since sun and mercury are in pisces. 🤕 🤢 i’m sorry for being so distant both physically and emotionally and just... not being there for you. the worst thing about me ghosting is in fact not knowing what to say once i feel better. i can write here rather easily but the moment i have to dm you i feel awkward and guilty and i never know how to act... i’m not good at saying sorry but appearing randomly after days without saying anything makes me feel even worse, so i never know how to be. but anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about in this message. i needed to feel better the other day so i checked the padlet and found the message that you wrote a month ago… it hit me a lot and kinda really resonated with me. it sucks how late I saw it and I feel really bad since you opened up to me so well and idk, it’s like i looked down at your effort by not replying immediately, even though it was involuntarily. but i cannot just ignore it so here’s my (late) reply to all of that. first of all, let me tell you how much i appreciate the straightforwardness of that message. it gave me an input on how you have been feeling and it also made me feel closer to you, especially considering the fact that i can strongly relate. not gonna lie, I hadn’t cried (like, actually cried with sobs and all that shit) in months but i couldn’t even reach the middle of the message because i literally couldn’t see SHIT. knowing you have been struggling with these emotions is… devastating? to try and explain: it’s like the whole world came crashing down. this whole ghosting thing isn’t something i can actually get mad at you for, because i know how exhausting life can get and how comforting being alone can be. as you can see, i do that a lot, too…  which is why i make “excuses” for you. of course, when it gets to three weeks it stings and i do get annoyed at times . but it’s not something i will crucify you over? especially because it would be super hypocritical of me. so, please, don’t ever think that you’re “taking advantage of me” or whatever, because you’ve been nothing but amazing to me for the past years and i literally /know/ that i couldn’t do better than this even if i tried to. you’re one of the few good things in my life rn and if i haven’t gone completely insane yet is thanks to you too. and while i'm happy you do know that i sincerely treasure you a whole lot, i can't help but get worried because of you being insecure. you're human and like everyone else, you experience lack of confidence, and honestly i'm glad you told me about it. more than insecure, i’d say i’m way too paranoid for my own good. i often get ugly thoughts that try to make others look like they’re out to get me and i always have to stop, take a deep breath and remind myself that not everyone is trying to hurt me, but i also get those moments of "what if". what if i say this and sound weird or what if i talk too much about myself and make royal uncomfortable by coming off as vain. and there are times where i hesitate or straight up don’t post on the blog because i don’t want to burden you with /my/ emotions, so i understand that too well. but we've talked about this so many times: we both have to fix these problems, but you know it won't happen overnight and every single little step counts, even if it requires lots of courage and trust. i don't think you realize how happy it makes me when you reach out randomly or open up to me directly. it makes me feel trusted, worthy and useful, so please don't villainize yourself for being human and wanting to share your feelings with others. you're far from being toxic and you need to finally understand that you're not putting any kind of pressure on me and being able to help you, even if just by listening, helps me as well. we deal with situations and feelings that are similar and i've found a solution to my problems the times we've opened up to each other. but lol. that part right there about you being self serving pissed me off so fucking bad, you have no idea. when i say i cannot find a single flaw in you, i mean it. i know it might sound fake or exaggerated but it's true. you’re one of the kindest and most selfless people i know and it's hard to even imagine you as selfish or “self serving”. i want you to think for a minute. do you think you’ve ever done anything to me to get you the title of self serving? i have a really good memory when it comes to you and i can assure you are far from being that. you have NEVER asked for anything, you have NEVER made me feel wrong or treated me badly. obviously i don't know what happened in your previous relationship and even after * dmed me to befriend me and then ask me to deliver you that message, i’ve been meaning to ask you about your dating history since i don’t think i have ever seen you as upset as you were those times, but it felt like i was being nosy and out of place so i just sucked it up and moved on. ngl though, i have been curious about it. both because i want to learn something new about you and because i want to be prepared. i told you about keo and how he mostly affected my self-esteem, so i kinda feel bad for not knowing about what has affected /you/ in the past. folds hands. let me also add something. me being scared of confrontation isn’t an excuse for us to avoid talking directly about certain things. if we keep on avoiding any kind of serious talking 1) i’ll never learn how to deal with it 2) i think we’ll be missing out on a huge part of relationships and on the long run it will show. and i’m not exactly scared of confrontation. i’m scared of hurting you by saying something wrong. i get so defensive /and/ passive aggressive for no reason when i feel the mood shift and it makes me say really mean things just to get a reaction out of people. but i’ll never be able to fix it if i don’t start talking with my own partner. but still. you’ll have to be the one to bring it up if you want to because i’m still a scaredy-cat after all and i’ll never start anything. <3 you have also talked about me deserving better and it reminded me of all the times i’ve said you do deserve someone better and you said that you don’t care because i’m the one you want. it goes both ways, really. there is someone out there for me, even more than one person, but just like there is someone else out there for you too. but it literally does not matter to me if someone is waiting, because i don’t want them. i want You. you're the love of my life and my best friend and i seriously cannot imagine my life without you. i can promise you that i will be here by your side. we can be scared of being vulnerable together. LMFAOOOOO WHY IS THIS SO LONG I'M SO SORRY FUCK AND I AM NOT EVEN DONE SINCE YOU POSTED ANOTHER MESSAGE ON THE PADLET AND I WANNA REPLY TO THAT TOO. yes it takes me days to reply to one (1) singular message yes i live like this. anyway the latest message put me in such a good mood. your care package isn't here yet but i can already tell that it is going to work perfectly. but?! your hobby is literally naming pets after food or things and honestly? i respect that life. i still remember when you talked about wanting to get a cat to name it pancake. 🥺 i hope you took pictures of your friend's dog, though. 😡 and on god i knew something was gonna happen to you. kisses your wrist and puts a bandaid on it. the fact that you're still running around sleep-deprived and with a sprained wrist is so You. fucking sagittarius sun gemini rising headass. but OMFG I USED TO LISTEN TO THAT SONG WHEN I WAS A KID. you brought back so many memories. </3 while my baby was being a busy bee, i was busy being Lazy. my week has been kinda ok? i've been spending my days watching stuff on netflix but now i'm sad because i saw a possible spoiler of the drama that i am currently watching aND . I DIDN'T SPEND THE LAST FOUR DAYS CRYING FOR THEM TO PULL THIS SHIT. also since there is straight up a coronavirus outbreak in my region, all the schools are closed and the shops have to close down at 6pm so i don't have to work at the office this week! a win! kinda! if we ignore the reason why i can stay home! will that stop me from going out though? absolutely not. x today i went to the gym despite the warnings lolz and i even passed out so fr who's doing it like me! then i went grocery shopping and i napped for like 6 hours. i had an appointment with my old school's head master scheduled for tomorrow since we have to talk about uni and stuff but they cancelled it :/// so i'll spend my day maybe doing some work and Sleeping. anyway. this message is a big mess but  i mith you so bad and i feel so shitty for disappearing and i'm over being a ghost so! we're sleeping together tonight. :)

[theletterineversent]

Dear Late Night Uncertainties,

I can't sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there's anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I'm wanted and that I can... I'm really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there's a part of me that won't stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you're going to read it, think I'm just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you'll say to me are "We need to talk" and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can't imagine my life without you. Now I'm clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you're not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don't, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it's hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn't care about another person wouldn't do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you're irritated, I don't honestly know if it's because you're irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don't know how much of this stems from the fact that I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don't think I'm blaming you for anything or saying that you're doing anything wrong. There's definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you're actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it's all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I've been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn't invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can't be, we're moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn't be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I'm just so uncertain and I'm afraid to talk about it with you because I'm afraid you'll realize its true and leave.

Im so afraid. I cant stand it. Im not gonna hurt myself but theres nothing to take my mind off these stuoid thoughts and I cant do anything about them so I sit here and worry and worry and worry and worry and play that stuoid color by numbers game which doesnt take my mind off anything...

Why the fuck are you asking people on tumblr to dm you? I dont care if you post a nude selfie everyday. Girls across the world could look at you and it wouldnt matter. But dm me? Really? Who the fuck is dming you after looking at your nude pictures? What do they want? You said at magstock that it bothered you when guys would stare at me, so why do I feel so guilty thinking about how to bring it up to you that I randomly found your tumblr and that i dont care if you posted that selfie I thiught was just for me, but that the hashtag dm me was the real kicker that partially helped set off this goddamn nightmare of a novel of issues. Dm me?

Dm me?

What do I need to do to be enough? Why do you need DMs for strangers on the internet? Shit. You made me feel.sexy enough to take nude pictures of myself and send them over the internet. That takes a lot of trust. And confidence. And both kind of took a hit tonight.

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you'd tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

You know what, Im mad. Real mad. And i wont talk about it, I know, cause Im afraid that Im already pushing you away so why give you any more reasons to think Im a crazy jealous bitch, right? But I dont think its fair that you get jealous when other guys stare at me and youre literally fucking asking strangers on the fucking internet to fucking dm you on a fucking nude pic? While were literally talking about moving in together? What the actual.fuck?

Do you sext with them? Does anyone even DM you? Three people liked it, that I know. I swear, I try really hard to not be jealous, but shit, I dont even know where to go from here, my thoughts keep getting stuck on how betrayed I feel and how angry I am but also how hurt, and how insecure I feel that Im not enough for you.

Ive given you so much, and you've given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don't know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

All I want to do is call you and ask about it like a rational adult, and maybe I will tomorrow night, but maybe Ill also just wait until the next time you post a selfie asking people on tumblr to dm you, and maybe Ill create a fake account and dm you from it, and see what you say. But see, thats the bitchy sneaky way to do it and no good comes from that. But will any good come from asking you in person?

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we've been dating?

On another note, do you have something against putting on facebook that were in a relationship? Its been almost a year. Sure, fb official doesnt mean jack shit, and again, on a rational level, I know all of that. But damn, if sometimes it wouldnt make me feel better.

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn't take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his...

I know (think? Can make up?) Good reasons for these things in our case - relarionship status isnt your thing, the important people know and thats what matters; we have too much fun to take photos together, were living in the moment; damn I live stupid far away and you dont have a car or much money to take a lyft or an hour long bus ride everywhere

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You'll never see this. You'll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You'll never fucking know and I'm afraid that will be the end of us.

I love you, and I want to be with you for a long time, and I can only sit here in this moment, afraid, hoping that this is all just stupid anxiety and that things are gonna get better when we move in together because I dont think I could take the heartbreak.

Love, Me.

[jxnnxcxnnx]

What is love for me?

I exactly remember how different things were a year ago..

I was so different. 

My perspective on the different aspects of life were so.. different from now.

Of course, I got brokenhearted when I was younger and I thought that was already the maximum pain that I’ll ever feel in my whole life but little I don’t know, its not even a .1% of the pain that I’m experiencing.

Nakakaamaze on what love can bring you. It is truly a crazy adventure. May ups and downs, may overwhelming na feeling, may feeling na scared ka sa una but why not take a risk? Life is short afterall. 

May 2016 was when I had my first ever heartbreak. Sucks right? 

It felt like the world was ending but of course its not. 

But it wasn’t really that tough for me to move on and let go because it was almost the start of another school year with my transferring into a new school. and new school means new environment, new set of friends, new me (?) lol.

I didn’t know what was in store for me for next 10 months at that time. Might as well just enjoy the Senior life. 

Then at that time, I swore to myself that I’d never get into a relationship again because it sucks. You give your all to someone then they just leave you when its not favorable for them anymore.. how odd right? 

But, I just never learn. It was the first day of school and syempre hanap pogi there and everywhere but there was this one guy that caught my attention. No, he wasn’t that handsome but he has a high appeal. No, he’s not that fit, but pwede na. Then I don’t know why, but something in my mind told me na parang “ Oh its weird but why do I feel like this guy’s gonna play a big role in my life.” and tentenenen... I WAS RIGHT HAHA. 

But anyway, going back, I had a crush on that guy for like a week then nawala because I had a crush on someone else. Then 2 months later..... 

During one of the most saddest moments in my life, this guy DM-ed me on twitter. And that was the start of everything. I honestly didn’t expect that he likes me pala. Because he wasn’t talking to me in school AT ALL. 

But of course, he didn’t confess agad. He took things slowly and understood na I was still scared to take a risk that time. Then we’d talk everyday but still not talk personally. 

Then suddenly a month later, he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. Then syempre ako nasanay na ako na there’s someone greeting me in the morning, messaging me whenever I get home from school. I was aware that time that I was falling for him already. 

But I was too scared to admit it to him that time because what if he’s just toying with my feelings? I wanted to be sure first. But I realized, I can’t bear to lose that person just because I was scared. So I took a risk and its like Love welcomed me again into their world. 

Everything was going well for us that time. Then around October, We were finally together. It wasn’t smooth sailing but I could say that it was totally different from any other guys that I’ve been with. I could finally say that this is the person I want to be for the rest of my life. 

Months passed, I only fall for him deeper and deeper each and everyday. Which I didn’t knew was possible. We’d always fight and have misunderstandings but I’m glad that at the end of the day, we end up going back to each other and that for me is love. Within the months that we’ve been together, there were so many things that we’ve been through that almost made us give up but hey, there’s nothing in this world that comes easy. 

And knowing myself, I have a very little patient with things kaya nagulat ako with this guy, I’m not getting enough of him. There were times that he’d give up and I know how weak I am but maaan, this man taught me how to be strong and how to fight for something you don’t ever want to lose. 

This man helped me grow.

This man taught me how to cherish every moment of my life. 

This man taught me on how to enjoy life. 

This man taught me how to love unconditionally.... 

This man completes me. I don’t know how he does it but he just does. 

And I know that this man is going through a lot right now and I’m so so proud of him for being strong and courageous. He may have changed, we all change but hey, isn’t that a part of loving? Accepting their flaws and the changes in them? :) 

This man may have hurt me alot of times but I realized in the past few weeks, I hurt him too. 

Everytime he made a mistake before and unintentionally hurts me, I would always tell myself na “If he loves me, hindi nya ako sasaktan. He wouldn’t hurt me.” “Oh If he loves me ganito ganyan” 

But in the past few weeks were we haven’t been talking I’ve realized a lot of things. 

I’ve realized na he’s just a human. He makes mistakes. 

I’ve realized how selfish I became because instead of trying to understand him ,I was only trying to understand myself. 

I’ve realized how much he needed me when he was going thru something but instead, I gave him my ego and pride. 

I’ve realized that instead of showing him how much I love him, I ended up making him feel like a trash and just slapping his mistakes in his face. 

I’ve realized how much I hurt him by listening to some of my friends’ advice to just let him go. 

I’ve realized how much I love him... 

And to be honest? I feel ashamed of myself. I feel guilty because I thought that all this time I was the good one and I was the one who was the only one who’s trying so hard but I realized how he was trying so hard as well. 

I’ve realized my mistakes and the last thing I want to do is to hug him and just show him how much he means to me. 

But I’m scared. But what will happen if I’ll just let this cowardness in me prevail? I’ve realized that no matter what advice i get, its my decision at the end of the day. And at the end of each day, I still choose to love him. 

So, what is love for me? 

 Love is a choice you make everyday. There will be times that you’d feel burdened and tired and sad? But remind yourself na hindi lang ikaw ang napapagod and nalulungkot. Yung partner mo din. So choose to love your partner kahit ano pang maramdaman mo. Because love conquers all. 

Love is staying with him despite his flaws because remember, tao lang siya and tao ka lang din. You both make mistakes. Learn how to forgive. 

Love is choosing to love each other even when you have all the reasons to neglect each other. 

Love is not perfect. Nothing is perfect but love the imperfectness of your partner like how God loves us even though we’re not perfect. 

Love is unconditional for me. If your partner can’t love you today because he’s been going thru something, still, love him. Its when he needs to feel your love the most. 

Remember, staying in love with someone who can’t give you an equal effort doesn’t mean your stupid. Maybe its just time for you to fight for them and prove to that person how much you love him / her. 

Love for life is too short not to tell and show someone you love them. :) 

Love that person when they are not the most lovable. For that is true love. 

That for me is love :) 

Baby? I don’t know if you’ll be able to read this but I’m sorry. For not appreciating you. For hurting you at times. I just wish that I could hug you right now and shower you with the love you showered me. I love you always.  Talk to me soon? xx 

                                                   - nica

[theletterineversent]

Dear You,

I can’t sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there’s anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I’m wanted and that I can… I’m really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there’s a part of me that won’t stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you’re going to read it, think I’m just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you’ll say to me are “We need to talk” and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can’t imagine my life without you. Now I’m clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you’re not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don’t, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it’s hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn’t care about another person wouldn’t do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you’re irritated, I don’t honestly know if it’s because you’re irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don’t know how much of this stems from the fact that I’ve never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don’t think I’m blaming you for anything or saying that you’re doing anything wrong. There’s definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you’re actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it’s all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I’ve been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn’t invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can’t be, we’re moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn’t be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I’m just so uncertain and I’m afraid to talk about it with you because I’m afraid you’ll realize its true and leave.

Im so afraid. I cant stand it. Im not gonna hurt myself but theres nothing to take my mind off these stuoid thoughts and I cant do anything about them so I sit here and worry and worry and worry and worry and play that stuoid color by numbers game which doesnt take my mind off anything…

Why the fuck are you asking people on tumblr to dm you? I dont care if you post a nude selfie everyday. Girls across the world could look at you and it wouldnt matter. But dm me? Really? Who the fuck is dming you after looking at your nude pictures? What do they want? You said at magstock that it bothered you when guys would stare at me, so why do I feel so guilty thinking about how to bring it up to you that I randomly found your tumblr and that i dont care if you posted that selfie I thiught was just for me, but that the hashtag dm me was the real kicker that partially helped set off this goddamn nightmare of a novel of issues. Dm me?

Dm me?

What do I need to do to be enough? Why do you need DMs for strangers on the internet? Shit. You made me feel.sexy enough to take nude pictures of myself and send them over the internet. That takes a lot of trust. And confidence. And both kind of took a hit tonight.

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you’d tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

You know what, Im mad. Real mad. And i wont talk about it, I know, cause Im afraid that Im already pushing you away so why give you any more reasons to think Im a crazy jealous bitch, right? But I dont think its fair that you get jealous when other guys stare at me and youre literally fucking asking strangers on the fucking internet to fucking dm you on a fucking nude pic? While were literally talking about moving in together? What the actual.fuck?

Do you sext with them? Does anyone even DM you? Three people liked it, that I know. I swear, I try really hard to not be jealous, but shit, I dont even know where to go from here, my thoughts keep getting stuck on how betrayed I feel and how angry I am but also how hurt, and how insecure I feel that Im not enough for you.

Ive given you so much, and you’ve given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don’t know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

All I want to do is call you and ask about it like a rational adult, and maybe I will tomorrow night, but maybe Ill also just wait until the next time you post a selfie asking people on tumblr to dm you, and maybe Ill create a fake account and dm you from it, and see what you say. But see, thats the bitchy sneaky way to do it and no good comes from that. But will any good come from asking you in person?

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we’ve been dating?

On another note, do you have something against putting on facebook that were in a relationship? Its been almost a year. Sure, fb official doesnt mean jack shit, and again, on a rational level, I know all of that. But damn, if sometimes it wouldnt make me feel better.

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn’t take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his…

I know (think? Can make up?) Good reasons for these things in our case - relarionship status isnt your thing, the important people know and thats what matters; we have too much fun to take photos together, were living in the moment; damn I live stupid far away and you dont have a car or much money to take a lyft or an hour long bus ride everywhere

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You’ll never see this. You’ll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You’ll never fucking know and I’m afraid that will be the end of us.

I love you, and I want to be with you for a long time, and I can only sit here in this moment, afraid, hoping that this is all just stupid anxiety and that things are gonna get better when we move in together because I dont think I could take the heartbreak.

Love, Late Night Uncertainties