#god forbid you dont know them then your shamed like what lol

[bananabae100]

I hate tone indicators. Like I just find them confusing and obnoxious 🫣 like sometimes I feel like people use them to just say really rude ass shit to you.

"Ew why do you exist"/jk/nbd/lol/gen/s

[glass--beach]

Hey I just want to offer some support, plurality is not easy to accept in yourself and more common than people think. Whether that matches you or not, that remains to be seen, but there is zero harm in reconceptualizing yourself whichever way helps you in the moment.

You can be plural and not tell anyone.

You can be plural and identify as just one person.

You can be plural and tell some people but not others.

You can be plural in a way that Tumblr really doesn't like.

I'm a diagnosed DID system. My therapist told me something interesting;

Everyone has parts of themselves. My therapist for example, has a part of her that wants to be a good therapist and pay attention to her client and do a good job. And she has another part of herself which wants to be in PJs eating ice cream and playing games. That in itself is what plurality is, as a concept. Everyone has parts. Everyone is plural in some way.

Whether or not you have parts/alters/headmates (whatever your preferred term) isn't the question. Everyone has those, kinda. But for most people, the line between them is very blurred. Most people can choose which one they want to be, or listen to, at any given time.

A dissociated system is someone who can't choose that as easily. Whose parts don't flow into each other and merge and blur like most people's do. The gaps between them are oceans not rivers.

I'm not going to diagnose you with anything or tell you how to identify and god forbid anyone mentions syscourse I swear I will kill them with an axe. (Joking for legal reasons).

My point is that I understand the embarrassment and shame and pressure associated with figuring out "whether or not you are plural" and I want to help you speedrun to the part where you accept yourself however you are. If you recognize that there are different parts of you, or other people in there with you, then that's how it is. That's your brain's way of doing self and identity. Don't agonize about being correct. Just do what feels healthy. What helps you heal and function and feel good about yourself.

I know that I felt a hell of a lot better after I accepted that I do have multiple parts and just let those parts indulge in their own interests and hobbies and personalities. We went from constant self loathing to actually loving ourselves as individuals and having fun and making our own friends. The amnesia sucks, the disorientation sucks, don't get me wrong, sometimes life SUCKS. But you really dont need to make it harder for yourself by worrying if you're faking or wharever. Humans are complicated and your brain cells aren't arranging themselves so that they apply perfectly to the rulebook of how the mind is expected to function. You are unique and if you discover that plurality is a more accurate way of thinking about yourself then good on you for working it out.

Sorry if this was unwelcome advice. Im just some guy who likes your music and follows your tumblr and I'm hoping I can save you from at least some of the pains I went through when I started wondering if I were plural. The golden rule is do what's useful for you, not what's in the "rules."

yeah totally, i think feeling that your self is divided and the idea of experience fitting into one “self” is a social construct that is not going to fit everyone’s experience. it’s easy for anyone to talk in terms of having multiple parts in what is mostly a metaphorical sense. for me i have no control over which side is going to take over and they pull me in radically different directions and some of them hate each other lol. like i deal with self hate a lot but it’s occurred to me that that necessarily requires a separate subject and object and there are two completely different patterns of behavior and personalities attached to said subject and object. i feel if what i had seen before as maladaptive habits operate as a fully formed autonomous consciousness with its own wants and needs and even its own positives it makes sense to see it as a different person. ive also started to experience this self as often outside my body, only coming in sometimes. it’s very very weird.

if this is the way i’m gonna look at it then i for sure have at least around four different selves that come in at random, usually for at least a week but sometimes for months and they each contradict the others in a way that has made me very frustrating to deal with for others and made it very difficult to complete projects. it’s like, fundamentally contradictory beliefs, but with consistent enough modes that drawing boundaries around them might help me make sense of my own experience and not get too bogged down with one way of thinking.

[silvermoonshipping-is-love]

previous anon here! its absolutely understandable why you feel that way, especially since i noticed you were here during the creepypasta fandom recession era (2016-2019), where people were starting to police what was the right and wrong way to intepret the pastas.

As for the drownedsilver hate, while i cant confirm for sure it was the source, was primarily started by a pokepasta fnf community member who has been recently outed as a creep and a generally terrible person (who called any ship they disliked proship!!) 😭 they had an iron grip over that community for 2 years, hence why so many people were dogpiling! Now that they're gone, i see more people being comfortable with putting out drowndsliver content out there!

I dont know if this information or acknowledgement will eleveate your anxiety. But i hope you gain the courage to post more about your own intepretations of ben and silver 🫂 You shouldnt feel like you have to appease a wider public to enjoy what you love.

My favourite example is the fact that say Ben HAD to be a pervert or a stoner and an asshole, nevermind the fact he's a deeply traumatized child, stuck in a video game and canonly a pacifist and not (intentionally) hurting anybody, like that is fine, but GOD FORBID you make EJ's skin slightly blue-ish to go with his overall colour palette. But also god forbid if you draw or write anything messed up or more mature in whatever way?? If anything the creepypasta fandom of all things being so strict is so odd, most characters don't have a fully set personality or the fact that all kinds of awful shit happens to them, especially CHILDREN, but wanting to draw two characters smooching? Now you've gone too far lmao.

Policing fandoms and fandom activity is a rising trend and I'm not happy about it as a "fandom old" so to speak lol. My motto is unless you are genuinely harming someone in real life or crossing someone's boundaries, just tag it correctly, and you do you. I may not like everything you do personally, but unless you are actively interfering with me or trying to harm me or others, whatever.

Also I was never in the community fully due to the incident and the hate towards SilvernMoon, so I never heard about this person. But unfortunately I'm not even that shocked, if you're that adamant about how wholesome or pure or unproblematic you are and everyone has to be, then you just seem all the more likely to have some skeletons so to speak. Just a real shame about my one FNF AU, cause it's sort of a personal one to me, cause of venting and feelings depicted.

If you mean creep as I think you do, I hope the victims are okay now.

But on the flip side I also eventually thought the fnf community are hypocrites anyways. Cause I saw all the hate for SilvernMoon while not even say incest stuff got as much hate in all my fandom years, yet the very person most of the community shipped Silver with? Red. The Red from his story. The same Red that is the whole reason Silver is forgotten and dead! I don't want to fully ship-shame, I just wanna showcase the irony, like- THAT is fine but SilvernMoon is wrong?? SilvernMoon out of all ships I ever saw is the one people drew the line at and hated the absolute shit out of???

Also there was a similar person over here in the regular creepypasta fandom that dogpiled on me as a minor, so that added, who called me a pdf file because I portray these characters as adults and made a more adult joke, but they INSISTED every version of Ben had to be 12 years old. Gurl, I don't know how to tell you, but the ghost kid that haunts a Nintendo Cartridge... He's not real, his whole concept as a cyber ghost isn't real. I know it's shocking to hear, you may sit down from that, but it's the truth.

I am getting better but it still feels like a long road to fully heal and say "fuck the haters"... I keep trying to even do youtube or stuff, but all this is holding me back pretty strongly-

[danma-chan]

And the reasons I reblog with a long ass description is to clear my name from what has been accused by that person. If you know, you know there is somebody try to start make a drama. A type of person who demands problems and yet suddenly cutting people off whenever the person’s ass got busted LMAOOOO Imagine walking into the hall of shame when someone exposed how pathetic “victim complex” you are..Ouch…God still forgives your shit but from people..Hmm 😌 Anyways, if any of you are not going to any sides, that's cool, I have no right to stop you be friend with anyone but please do not hear from one-sided only. Everything is in the docx. You all are the judges 🤝

First and foremost, Bakugan fandom is literally fun, supportive and people are free to go crazy about their ships, love hard on your fav characters, making AUs, make fanarts, fanfics and more. I really love to see Bakugan is alive again and Im glad the fandom didnt die yet 🥰🥹

Unfortunately, not everything is sweet and joy until somebody being pressed over a character and anyone who is having interested with heterosexual ships. That’s a major toxic there especially with proudly represent “Fabia cannot have any dickss!!”, “God forbid she dont get to deserves be with ANY of the males!!” I would like to ask you. Who are you? If you hate the character, that is fine. LITERALLY FINE, you are allow too eventho you barely watch everything 🙄 but you don’t have to making it "You have to hate this character”, or “Whoever into straight ships are the worst people ever period" Let me ask you again, who the fuck are you to judges someone interests? Tell me some VALID points to hate Fabia's characteristic and liking straight ships?? If yes, then that makes Fabia’s lover and straight shippers real hypocrites lol If you’re telling me that you’re allow to hate something, I can do the same too but I dont depises based on people’s interests like you 😉😌 I believe nobody likes rude people who judges their own interests. I called it a joy-killer, just disgusting and ew..🤢 And what makes you more hypocrites that you try hard to blend in but ended up eating your own shit and hypocritically went “straight ships annoys me” in your feeds. Boy, if you don’t like it, then ignore and move on. You don’t need to spread the toxictivity in the fandom nor oppress others for liking their straight ships. Its giving MHA fans vibes lmao and its better to set as private on that multiple account of yours next time 😌

Second, you blocked me from the first place like okay xD?? Who are you again lol 😅 We barely talk in Discord yet talk bad things behind me at the public?? Ok?? It would be a lie if nobody informed me that my name got mentioned and then accused I’ve been standoffish to you like? 🤔 Because from what I analyse on what you accused from Aisha’s side, you apologized due you’re drunk but then, keep talk bad things about her bruh…Also, how can you tell that I have vaguepost about you specifically the fact that you blocked me? Hm curious..🤣 Better check the docx again. If you felt your ass burns from my posts, that’s your problem because I said in general and it can be anyone 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can say whatever in the internet too, Tumblr, Twitter etc as it’s also my personal spaces too 😂 Its how you read lol Said that I dont be straight to the point to you but how can I reach you if you blocked me?? I wonder who is the real pussy here…Even Aisha confronted you but you blocked her instead like a ahemm smol dick cough there 🤧 That would be pointless to me if I did the same too because you will keep coming back with the hate posts so obviously, me nor Aisha are not the problem 🙂Victimise yourself again? Having traumas as an excuses or what-so-ever is giving you a legal ticket to oppress others hm? Motives? I dont think is a right thing to do. Its pathetically immature🙄

To conclude, negative people love to stir up a lot of drama around them and that’s the kind of power they can get. They like the attention that they get from making people upset. Sounds accurate, yes? If the shoes fits.. Thats why people are distancing from you 😮‍💨 I’m passive aggressive? Check again in the docx. file given. I’m insufferable bitch? I get used to bite and eat venomous people as my basics. Strong immune ig LMAO And I also grateful and blessed because I surrounded myself with KIND people. No matter what and who they are either TERFs, Homophobes,Transphobe Bi etc (Except pedo,invader,rape apologist lol) If they’re kind to me, I will also be kind for them. Easy said 🥰 And my only wish for the small almost-dead fandom to be clean from negativity. I have been in a glory days and most people left because some immatures like your kind of person who dispises, bullying other people’s interests and preferences. Being a proud hater as hobbyani? Man, get real for real 🙄🙄

Lastly, from the docx. file. Hope you eat, suck and chew hard with your own words. May next time, be better for real and repent. Cheers 👍🏻

sharing this because this dude keeps slandering me and i'm tired of it

[seeraplimau]

Mood: I am very very very sleep and tired.

Writing this just a way of escapism, you could say. I have like a lot of list in my brain to do but when you're sleepy, it just dooze. Masalahya I AM TIRE ALL THE TIME. So all of the list dah berhabuk since September :')

BRB chugging my vitamin B as we're speaking lol.

Life sucks, you live then you die. Though the intermission in between determine what kind of death you'd enjoy. Were you nice to your friends? Have the encounter between you and a stranger bringing good impact to the world? Talking about stranger, I am still suck at saying morning to people. I don't know, I guess where I am, greeting strangers is not very ideal. We all looks normal inside but god forbid what we did the last 2 hours. I stumbled to an old tweet where a guy was practicing black magic in his apartment. He look like any other guy you walk passed by honestly. So, maybe I was just being paranoid and project this view to everyone I see on daily basis. Maybe. Today as I was walking to my work, I smiled a bit, like not even a proper smile to the guy sat next to my workplace and he said something to me(?) like I tak dengar actually. Probably, "kerja sini ke?" something like that. And it kinda, make me uncomfortable??? hahahaha cannot explain. That question only acceptable from the makcik who you always see every morning tbh. Like I'd answer them genuinely. I wish man would learn more manner and idk shame. Make Matriarchy a thing!!

I saw on news about a former badminton player who post an Islamophobic statement. I think it sad, sad that we still leave in a prejudice nation. Few weeks ago, a hockey player got suspended for a racial comments too. Sad. I do feel like it a deserve action. Racism shouldn't be excused. But, an equal teach of why slur shouldn't be used should also be implemented. Maybe we have, in sivik's class, but we should make it more exclusively to Malaysian. Why this slur is bad and so on. I don't think anyone ever told me professionally why I shouldn't call anyone k*ling. YES NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT. I just learn that it would hurt people, common sense-ly. Empathy. Would I be glad being called that? Does people have ill attention by calling me that? What is the root problem that I 'have' to say the word? I ask myself that. The 'war' between nation of SEA, specifically between Malaysia and Indonesia is a never ending. People shouting "ind*n balik rumah" is like a common thing you hear. It sad. Saying this why lavishly eating your nasi geprek. Hipokrit. We should, have more empathy. Towards ourselves and people surround us. After all, we all, is all we have.

Changed. I do think it's unfair for us to judge someone act, especially if it something they did 5 years ago. 5 years ago was not long, but so many thing could shift. So many. You can still see the line for social distance purpose on eateries. Fascinating. Yah on people, we change, and god forbid us to get dox over something we did in the past. I said racist thing in the past, but for the love of god I was 14. Why are you picking a fight with a kid. Thus, I always find myself to excuse someone action that they did in the past. Sometimes, well most of the time I dont care lorh, so cam whats the point. BUT some action I cannot just forgive is bullying. I hate kids who bully each other sooo much. Tak kesah-lah they have a fuck up childhood ke, to the point they're acting "alpha'. I hate them and I would never forgive anyone who did that. I don't think forgivable is something we all should aim for. We connect, say sorry, and if the person not going to forgive you, we should just move one. We don't deserve someone forgiveness honestly. Nobody do. I remember one of case at my high school, a girl pretend to be a boy to ask some inappropriate picture from her girl classmates. That is fuck up. Even from a 16 years old brain, I know it's not a right thing to do. What a sickos. Fuck her.

[maschotch]

the whole arc with Reid’s headaches was so funny to me bc like. my guy, you have chronic migraine. i have chronic migraine and reid checks every symptom as far as I can tell. I actually was excited at first that CM was including this storyline because !! like !! they actually showed how unbelievably disorienting and debilitating it is and as someone who has it to the point of disability I was so grateful for that!! but then OF COURSE they have to make it into something weird and have it be a “is he schizophrenic??” storyline and like. if it was real life and Reid was such a genius he’d be like “yeah like 11% of the population get migraine attacks, they often start in your twenties, this is actually very normal, I just need some fucking meds.” Instead it’s supposed to be this whole secretive, shameful thing that causes all this angst and like…why?? like whenever I think about it it’s like, actually yeah, a lot of research has shown that adverse childhood experiences can cause or worsen migraine attacks (like with many conditions) so like what are the chances that hotch never gets them (especially after getting blown up and having head/ear trauma??) or Emily or literally all of them lol (especially bc autism, adhd and mental illness are all frequently comorbid with migraines and they all have at least one of those lmfao). but like it’s just so funny to me because, I mean, I like Reid fine, but they’re always trying sooo hard to make him ~special~ and like. this is maybe the most boring thing about him lmfao like sorry babe I know you’re a genius and everything but this is actually so normal lmao

akchskhd like king ily but ur not special!!! people get migraines!!

its such a cheap way to add drama—especially when they dont follow up with it at all? we get a handful of eps in s6 that mention it and then nothing until we find out he met a geneticist who somehow fixed everything (????) god forbid they actually follow thru on anything or actually have any representation that isnt demonized or shamed in some way

its always a near miss with reid, which is so frustrating. he’s almost autistic, he’s almost gnc, he almost has chronic migraines, he’s almost bi… consistency has never been cm’s strong suit but with reid its fucking ridiculous how many halfassed storylines they try to give him

[angelyuji]

BAU - Types of Yandere

ive gotten back into my weird yandere phase and ive seen literally no yandere bau so ive decided to make my own headcanons on them ;) im gonna do the og team + tara lewis, since im only on season 11. i’m not gonna do anything nsfw unless requested. enjoy!

TW // DARK THEMES, ABUSE, GASLIGHTING, JUST BAD THINGS!! i do not condone any of this behavior!!! this is just for fictional purposes!!!!!

Spencer Reid:

calculated, resourceful, patient, emotional/extremely jealous

he’s gonna fall fast. u could literally do one nice thing for him and hes hooked.

he’ll watch u for sure, pictures of u will cover some secret area in his house

he won’t try to kidnap u, unless he feels like he has no choice.

u get a gf/bf? he’ll panic and grab u.

remember: he has an iq of 184. hes smart smart, so he’ll probably get away with ur kidnapping

if he has u,he’ll be patient then too. probably lock you up in a closet or empty room till uve calmed down.

if u calm down and pretend to love him, he’ll honest-to-god be the best boyfriend

he’ll read to u and treat u like a literal queen, with limitations, of course... until u earn his trust

hes literally the smartest babie so he knows how to break u if u dont listen or if ur trying to escape

good luck trying to escape becuz ur in the hands of a genius and he probably has plans to either: a) prevent u from escaping or b) bring u back if u escape.

Aaron Hotchner:

resourceful, sadist, calculated, strategic

he probably met u at a coffee place or at the park, ur gonna talk and he’ll be smitten but the way u interact with jack will make or break his obsession

if ur good with jack, then ur done. ur his now. sorry i dont make the rules.

if ur bad/not good ig? with jack, then he’ll slowly distance himself and u’ll be free :)

holy shit, he does not mess around

unlike spencer, hotch has social skills lol

he’ll probably try to get close to u and then show his true colors slowly.start showing, very very manipulative

if u start dating, he’ll rush for u to move in and try to get u to slowly only depend on him and only him.

if u don’t fall in love, he’ll maintain distance and slowly integrate himself into ur life until he is THE most important person in ur life.

if u end up dating someone else, he’ll try to get u to break up with them and try to make them seem like a bad person.

if this person is ur eNdGaMe, ur gf/bf might end up dying in a weird accident and ur going to wake up in hotch’s spare guest bedroom, tied up on the bed. sooo... sorry.

anyway, once hotch has kidnapped u, there is a 50/50 chance u can escape successfully, but in the end, u’ll be back in hotch’s manipulative arms in no time.

jack will be the no.1 manipulation tactic. ex.”jack sees you like a mom,u can’t leave him”

if u do escape, good luck staying low, hotch will find u no matter where u are on the globe.

Derek Morgan:

sadist, quick tempered, manipulative, quick-witted

morgan has literally one of the best social skills on the team.

u are his gf/bf. u have fallen for him. there is literally no way in hell u didn’t

he is the king of smooth (lol thats the dumbest shit ive ever written)

but like once u guys are dating, he’ll start controlling you.

he doesn’t have to manipulate you becuz ur just gonna listen to what he says

if he tells u to stop talking to ur friends, ur going to stop talking to ur friends

if he tells u to not wear that dress, ur not wearing that dress

morgan doesn’t have to kidnap you becuz you’ll willingly move in with him becuz he’ll make u dependent on him and only him

there is no chance you’ll escape becuz u’ve been gaslighted into being his

sorry babie, you’re out of luck.

David Rossi:

listen, out of all the cm cast, i cannot see rossi as a yandere. maybe like a platonic parental figure yandere but like...romantically? ill write for both tho lol

manipulative, phD in gaslighting, toxic, obsessive

Platonic:

he is a helicopter parent on STEROIDS

you wanna go out with ur friends? who are they, what are their names, where do they live? what are their parents names, address, and contact number?

if rossi doesn’t like any of ur friends? holy shit don’t even bother asking to go out, you’ll only get him mad.

toxic parenting TO THE MAX

literally if u don’t listen to what he says, he’ll shame u and degrade you. ex: “you’re so stupid, y/n! didn’t i tell you to put the dishes in the dishwasher AFTER rinsing them? Do you not have a brain in there?” 

he’ll try to not physically hurt you, but if push comes to shove *shrug*

if ur 18, honestly fucking RUN. get into a college as far away as you can and get a job vastly different from his. so you’ll never cross paths

rossi will check in tho at least once every day

if anyone’s bothering you? you won’t see them again

ur boss is being a dick? he won’t be at work tomorrow or ever again.

if u decide to go back home, don’t bother getting a ticket back cuz once you go back to rossi, there is no going back.

Romantic:

parent rossi but romantic instead of platonic basically lol

manipulative, toxic, obsessive, abusive

he’s controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive

god, hes awful

he will make u feel like shit for wanting to hang out with someone else or if you want to leave his mansion

he’ll make u feel like he’s the only one for you.

ex:”no one else will love you like i do” or “who will anyone love you? ur a mess you shouldn’t even be outside!”

you can try escaping, since he’s gone and he “trusts” you to stay home, but there is 89.99% chance you’ll be caught.

Penelope Garcia:

sensitive, jealous, emotional, possessive

omggg yall are probably friends at first

so easily jealous abt e v e r y t h i n g

you can mention how you had brunch with a couple friends. “are they better than me? u never have brunch with me? why do u always hang out with them?”

god forbid you try to defend urself, “are you mad at me?” immediate tears.

then ur apologizing instead of her.

if ur dating? she tracks everything, ur phone, bank accs, where u are, what u watch. (incognito is ur best friend)

but even then,she knows everything ur doing,no matter the time of day

you can easily escape Penelope tho

shes not out in the field much, so as long as u stay off the grid, you’ll be safe.

the only person she trusts you with is the BAU team, so if you escape

be warned that they’re going to look for you too.

Jennifer Jareau:

possessive, obsessive, kind, deceptive

she’s a mild one honestly

she treats you well, and asks you out + dates you like a normal person

but sis believes that u are the only one for her

if you try to break up, “YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME. ILL DIE WITHOUT YOU”

of course, thats not true, but you can’t risk it.

jj is probably the safest one to be with, she won’t endanger anyone unless she has no other option.

you won’t need to escape either, you have freedom and everything in a normal relationship.

you just can’t leave. thats all.

Emily Prentiss:

obsessive, protective, strategic, patient

holy shit, emily is the worst. like jj, she’ll let you have your freedom

you can go out, but emily comes with, she chooses what you wear, and where you go.

“youre going to wear that? are you sure? cuz that color makes you look fat. you should wear that one dress i got you.”

“baby, stop wearing make-up, you look like a whore.”

“the beach? ill come too. i can’t trust you to take of yourself.”

you probably met at a club and clicked

if you try to break up, “you want to break up? go ahead, leave. who would want you, other than me? you’re pathetic and stupid. no one would ever date you.”

she’ll break you down till you only depend on her, so don’t bother to escape.

you won’t have the will to try anyway

Tara Lewis:

mild, protective, calculative, gaslighting

honestly, tara is the last person i see as a yandere, but she’ll be a lot like jj

she’ll give you freedom and everything in a normal relationship, except if you don’t listen her.

tara is controlling as hell, so if you disrespect her or don’t listen, she’ll break you down and make you question your own sanity.

she’s incredibly protective and she plans like 20 steps ahead (a lot like spencer)

be a good gf/bf, and tara will be good back

be disobedient, and you’ll regret it

if you plan right, you can escape.

tara has to be out of town and you would have to be in her good graces to be allowed out when shes gone, but if the stars have aligned in your favor... you have a small chance of escaping

if she didn’t get help watching over you from the team.

thanks for reading! hope you liked! I take yandere requests as well as normal character requests! nsfw/sfw are both okay!

[punkscowardschampions]

Charlie & Ronnie

Charlie: You said you were coming to this thing

Charlie: can I send your apologies instead now?

Charlie: 👍

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: ill be there like i said

Charlie: Time management was never one for the CV

Charlie: but you’re already more than fashionably late, dear

Ronnie: &

Ronnie: invite came from mckenna and he dont care

Charlie: It’s not his dinner party

Ronnie: no shit

Ronnie: its not yours either calm down like

Charlie: I’m just saying, you’ve wrangled an invite as is

Charlie: you’re gonna make it more awkward because?

Ronnie: if shes not got you working the door now as another favour why the fuck are you so bothered is what im just saying mary

Charlie: They’re nice kids, whatever beef you’ve got with your brother and the rest, I don’t see why you’ve got to involve them, is what I’m saying

Charlie: they’ve not got fuck all to do with your family drama

Ronnie: err he ll be made up dont you want me to be a boss big sister

Charlie: the kid clearly has his own issues

Charlie: I could spot codependent and toxic before you could walk, don’t lie to me, like

Ronnie: cant walk now so stall the starters or dont

Charlie: For fuck’s sake Veronica

Ronnie: you wanted the truth bitch

Charlie: You can’t show up here high

Charlie: they’ll be terrified, might call the cops

Ronnie: showing up sober is what i cant do

Charlie: don’t you think you should take a break from him

Charlie: whatever you decide to do after, you need to calm it down

Ronnie: it was you who said not to act like he werent about

Charlie: yeah, you can’t pretend it hasn’t happened obviously

Charlie: but that was before you shot him up

Ronnie: and after you told me to look after him

Ronnie: make up your fucking mind baby

Charlie: What would be preferable is you not fucking doing it

Charlie: really should go without saying

Ronnie: it fucking wouldnt

Ronnie: you cant hack living with me on gear how do you reckon itd be with me off it

Charlie: I meant dosing a kid, ‘cos there’s no way it happened the once

Charlie: and there are options for you, for free on the glorious NHS for now

Ronnie: you meant both 🖕 he werent a kid when you wanted to fuck him

Charlie: Not the same is it

Charlie: someone can be old enough for sex and not old enough for you to ruin their life

Ronnie: love ya for the flattery but his life was fucked before he found me

Charlie: was he using

Ronnie: youre the only cunt i know who reckons hes above it even B uses 💊

Charlie: yeah because there aren’t levels to it

Charlie: come off it

Charlie: the 💊s he takes aren’t on the level of smack, at all

Ronnie: mckenna aint never gonna let you daddy him you can stop pretending to give a shit

Charlie: I give a shit because you’re a mess

Charlie: more than usual

Ronnie: i dont usually have to babysit any bastard half brothers like

Charlie: you’re choosing to come tonight though

Ronnie: i owe him after that call centre bullshit

Charlie: and that’s it?

Ronnie: what the fuck else would it be

Charlie: You tell me

Ronnie: i just did

Charlie: Alright then

Ronnie: [show up so he can judge the absolute state of you IRL and have to make allowances for that and how rude you are]

Charlie: [we all know how this goes, feel his shame and judgment in how much work we have to do to cover up your behaviour]

Ronnie: [how offended and upset she would be that he's ashamed of her is killing me because how could he not be babe]

Charlie: [oh honey, like what else could we be lol]

Ronnie: [the real question is have you picked up on the jealous and intense incesty vibes yet boy or what do you think is happening lol]

Charlie: [If anyone would pick up on it, we know you and your possessive energy]

Ronnie: [yeah that was my thought cos he knows her the best and they have their own weird history and vibe so]

Charlie: [he’s obvs not going to talk to you right now because mad and also like !!! but feel free to do some if you wanna]

Ronnie: [gonna have her try and talk to him when Jamie is talking to Joe for obvious reasons lol but before we’re bleeding]

Ronnie: you can lord it you were right but lets bail yeah

Ronnie: charlie come ed soft lad

Ronnie: what you ignoring me for 🖕💔

Ronnie: fucks sake

Ronnie: [after the briefest pause because he won’t immediately reply to her just gotta go into graphic detail about that OD she had in Margate before Joe got there cos he can clearly see all the self harm that’s going on but she wouldn’t have told him about this until literally now]

Charlie: [just a look like DON’T that cannot be overstated]

Charlie: why would you do that

Ronnie: can we fucking go now

Charlie: you can

Charlie: don’t use your self-destruction to hold me hostage, you’re beyond too old for that now, Jesus fucking Christ

Ronnie: [this makes logical sense to be where Sophie pops up with the kitchen roll etc and then bathroomgate so all of that is kicking off]

Charlie: [just out here doing the most to cover for you]

Charlie: what the fuck are you doing

Ronnie: [because they are doing the most in that tiny bathroom LOL you can have a reply once she’s left]

Ronnie: leaving

Ronnie: youre welcome

Charlie: yeah, you did me such a solid there, tah

Ronnie: you too florence dead caring

Charlie: you can’t hack a kid’s dinner party?

Ronnie: fuck you

Ronnie: you know whats wrecking my head

Charlie: yet you can’t leave him alone

Charlie: how the fuck can I do anything if you won’t do that

Ronnie: you werent gonna do fuck all end of

Ronnie: youve not

Charlie: you aren’t a kid, I can’t force you to sort your life out

Ronnie: yeah cos being like you will save me

Charlie: I’m not OD’ing with strangers

Ronnie: 💔 everyone liked you better when you were using

Charlie: you did

Charlie: and that isn’t a good enough reason to be a junkie forever

Ronnie: no shit i did

Charlie: well I’m so sorry your majesty

Charlie: God forbid I sort my life for me

Ronnie: nobody but you gives a fuck you stopped snorting lines out of every twinks arse crack

Ronnie: god forbid you shut the fuck up about it and this recovery bullshit

Charlie: you clearly give a fuck, Ronnie

Ronnie: you give more of a fuck about mckennas flatmates than you do about me

Charlie: that’s bullshit

Charlie: you only came to ruin their night, you got mad when it weren’t going your way

Charlie: you expected me to help?

Ronnie: i dont give a shit about these teenagers

Ronnie: im losing it and you reckon theyre on my mind

Charlie: Is ruining his life going to fix yours

Charlie: no

Ronnie: youve never had to hack this dont fucking tell me how to

Charlie: because you’re the only one who has family issues

Charlie: fuck you, you know I’d give anything to be in your spot

Ronnie: if i could swap our places i would

Ronnie: i dont wanna fucking be here doing this with him & you aint even tried to get your head round that

Charlie: in what world does it need to be like this

Ronnie: the world im living in where the fuck is your head at

Charlie: why can’t you just fucking

Charlie: cut him off or actually try

Ronnie: this is me trying

Ronnie: i didnt hang myself off the back of their bathroom door

Charlie: then you need to stop

Charlie: I’ll tell him to leave you alone now

Ronnie: hes gonna do that now without you flouncing in

Charlie: I’m still doing it, you ain’t here to stop me

Ronnie: hot but you still aint his type

Charlie: not funny

Ronnie: not joking

Charlie: don’t be tapped, I wouldn’t go anywhere near him now

Ronnie: stick your dick where you like i dont give a fuck

Charlie: yeah well I’m slightly more discerning, tah very much

Ronnie: these days

Charlie: yeah, where we live now

Charlie: I’m not trying to relive my worst years every weekend

Ronnie: yeah such a grown up youre having dinner with kids

Ronnie: save this little speech to pull the wool over the eyes of whatever wool homo youre gonna try and pull at the weekend

Charlie: I never said I was there yet

Charlie: better than the state of you

Ronnie: 🖕💔

Ronnie: state of me yeah after whats just happened youve seen fuck all yet soft cunt

Charlie: that’s the sound of me being unimpressed

Charlie: grow up

Ronnie: shut up properly by getting out of my fucking face

Charlie: I’m going out

Ronnie: with your new bezzies

Charlie: what’s it to you

Ronnie: youre not a junkie and youre still the most selfish cunt i know have a word with yourself

Charlie: because I’m not jumping to do exactly what you want, no matter how dumb or shit an idea it is

Charlie: yeah, I’m the problem, alright babe

Ronnie: you reckon you wanna be in my place so bad but you cant even hack it from there

Ronnie: since when have i gotta beg for help off you

Charlie: I wouldn’t act like a dick if anyone from my family reached out

Charlie: and what help? You haven’t asked for help, you wanted me to help you shit on some random kids to make you feel better for 10 seconds

Charlie: if you actually told me anything seriously, if you wanted help and not just someone to get high with

Ronnie: i wanted to fucking leave & cos i didnt its pure fucked now

Ronnie: i am my head is worse than before and you dont give a single shit

Charlie: what did you do

Ronnie: like fuck are you getting the gossip

Charlie: gossip are you serious

Charlie: ‘cos this either is and I’m the shittest mate in the world or it isn’t and it’s ‘gossip’

Ronnie: shittest mate is right weve established it

Charlie: what did you do

Ronnie: fuck you its your fault

Charlie: then tell me what I did bitch

Ronnie: i told you we shouldve gone

Charlie: okay, we should’ve gone

Charlie: go on

Ronnie: you were there

Charlie: yeah, and I was covering for you

Ronnie: yeah well done

Charlie: you say that like I’m meant to know what the fuck you were doing, is my point

Charlie: i was a little busy sorting your mess

Ronnie: you had a cob on over that mess and the one im in after it is loads fucking worse so theres fuck all you can sort for me now

Charlie: calm down and stop being dramatic

Charlie: just tell me and we’ll sort it

Ronnie: fuck off

Ronnie: thank christ i dont need you to calm down

Ronnie: [gonna go get messy obvs so she probably won't reply but if you wanna try go ahead hun]

Charlie: yeah, smack has served you SO well thus far

Charlie: what a great idea

Charlie: come on

Charlie: oh, the silent treatment in return, really

Charlie: very mature

Charlie: I’ll see you when I get home

[fueledbysprite]

abandoned wips masterlist

so not too long ago i did an insta poll asking if i should expose all my abandoned fic drafts cause i mean it’s not like theyre ever gonna see the light of day otherwise. i was going to do it when i hit 3k kudos on ao3 and i did so i suppose it has come time for me to expose my mistakes

for obvious reasons, don’t repost these (idk why anyone would lol) but if you really like one of these and want to see it continued, just hit up my ask box and i may or may not consider~

Miscellaneous Fandoms:

Ninjago: Zephyr - a Morro backstory fic bc the hageman bros refuse to feed me more content of my son. barely started it but yknow its there

Miraculous Ladybug/BoBoiBoy: this failed attempt at a fanginette fic bc @secretagentspydetectiveninja got me invested even tho writers block is a binch hahshs

BoBoiBoy:

kokotiam gang angst that reminded me i cannot for the life of me write emotional angst (or any angst for that matter oop)

ramenzo (and kaifang) angst that i churned out on a saturday afternoon on a writing spike instead of doing homework bc I Do Not Control the Writing Juice

au where bbb is a forest guardian(?) and fang just wants away from Society (same fang same) i will probably be yearning for woodland aus till the day i die bc who *doesnt* wanna ditch everything and go live in the middle of the woods amirite?

ramenzo n boifang water fight bc you cant convince me these idiots dont get up to ridiculous shenanigans on their downtime

abandoned draft for the sequel to the og ramenzo fic (dont bother reading it literally nothing happens i swear)

i literally don’t remember where i was going with this i think it was supposed to be fang introspection but idk??

uhh kaifang with ramenzo vibes i think this was gonna be? i genuinely don’t remember anymore oop-

RAMENZO IN QUARANTINE yes this one was regular au (i mean duh) and it’s a shame i never ended up finishing it-

i am actually goboifang t r a s h...until i realized im going to have to make all the food by myself and i never learned to make food :’)) (fr if anyone provides me with any kind of fanon gbf content i will love you forever pls)

this...exists even tho i honestly prefer it didnt but ramenzo is ramenzo n ramen has freckles i will fite u on this (dont read it pls)

if anyone wants ramenzo crumbs (and i mean that quite practically) then feel free to consume the Specks

dont read this pls im begging just dont lets yeet it into the void it doesnt exist~ I Do Not See It

update: i discovered this uhh kaifang post-bora ra incident thing in my other drive

Miraculous Ladybug:

okay forewarning there are wayyyy too many of these so im skipping the ones that are sequels/dependent on other fics for context just to spare myself from having to sort through this mountain

i was planning to participate in chlonath week 2k19 (unfortunately for chlonath nation I Do Not Control the Hyperfixation oop) if you want context then ask

marcnath crumbs thats it thats the doc

oh look allya is self projecting again (writing is still pain) (marcnath)

for the one who requested chloenette with the dialogue prompt i am so sorry

idk why this feels like something ive posted before but then again all lovesquare is the same to me (dead) so who knows im not gonna bother checking hshsh (marichat)

chlonath go to comic con or sth idk chloe is tsundere as always (or would have been anyway if i ever ended up Finishing this)

i *think* this was based on a @terrible-miraculous-ladybug-aus post but heck if i remember now- (lukanette??)

i have absolutely no recollection as to where i was going with this but if anyone finds the concept interesting then by all means go ahead n snatch it- (manon finds the miraculous i guess?)

this is a great. opening. to a chloe fic. that doesnt exist. oof :,)

caline bustier’s home for orphans amirite (i mean she basically already adopted the whole class so)

im genuinely not a fan of the jealous!lover trope but someone in the marcnath server wanted some at one point so i. attempted. and failed but you know thats to be expected at this point :’3

oh look allya is projecting her writing struggles onto marc again is anyone surprised?

theres probably a museum brotp story in here but it doesnt exist and at this point it never will rip

oh good lord not this again i genuinely managed to forget about it for a while until now-

i just read the first line and im already reeling what the heck is this nathanette(??)

WHY IS THERE MARICHAT IN MY WIP FOLDER WHAT

allya stop projecting onto emo weebs challenge failed

i really wanna know where the context for chlonath skiing trip came from i literally have 0 recollection of this at all??

YO I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THE CONTEXT FOR THIS ONE anyway nath n aroace!alix arranged marriage au anyone?? well too bad cause i abandoned it oop-

ahahahahahahaha wdym i wrote 7k of chlonath and then ditched it i would never do that lmao-

i think this was a hunger games au uh

something something marcnath

marcnath angst i guess? *allya pls stop trying to write angst we’ve already established that is not a thing you can do*

something something chlonath

im never gonna forgive @powerdragonmoon for the fact that i thought “beecock” while glancing over this to figure out wth was going on. cholaon works here too tho so that is what i shall call it //sideways glare at moon

take your otp. now put them on a trampoline. but heaven forbid you ever finish the fic- (chlonath if it wasnt obvious)

nathanette doll au from forever ago with @lotus-duckies that was a real concept its a shame i have 0 commitment

i wanna call this lukanathanette but i honestly don’t remember where i was going with it so idk

hi uhm what is this and why is it so depressing allya fr quit self projecting on emo tomatoes oml

chlonath established relationship i guess??

museum brotp go skating?? is that what this is?

how much chlonath do i hAVE also chloe u tsundere

nathaniel is Yearning n tbh i dont blame him cause same (ft. marc)

i could swear this was gonna be luklonath (chlolukanath??) but i wouldnt be able to remember-

if anyone can figure out what’s going on with marc pls tell me bc i dont-

cholaon but theres no context

Oh god im finally done good lord that’s all of em i hope i never have to look at a mlb doc again in my life anyway pls be grateful n enjoy the crumbs n stuff thanks i sacrificed my sanity for this-

[fireeaglespirit]

beyond-far-horizons

This is awesome and because *hangs head in shame* I dont play the games (i'm a noob with no money and my parents never let me have video games so I just like the story okay?) I have never seen this bit.

I ADORE multiverse/underworld stuff as you know or perhaps you don't as I don't know how far I got explaining Aeq and Midnight Palace but it is FULL of that stuff. I love the symbolism and it is very Jungian (I am the Priest of Jung okay, welcome to the New Testament of Jess!) But I need to sleep rn so we can get to it later.

Thank you for showing me because then I can reference it if I have time but I have so many other things going on right now and dunno I love fanfic and these stories but then I get down because I get virtually no response and I need that interaction to continue. It is my luck to always like dead fandoms with minor prequel characters I guess...still I do feel the fanfic has improved my writing and vice versa

I was thinking alot about hell and demons and what 'heaven' would be as I had a very detailed review on FF.net asking me all this questions, like why Sparda would long for the light if he is a demon and dunno, it always comes back to my pet theories of light and dark and the union of opposites. Sparda is so interesting because I feel he came to 'justice' on his own but probably also cemented by this mysterious priestess who he had to sacrifice. At least that is the way

the way I would go if I was developing the lore or a prequel game. It seems the most juicy option. Anyways this 'light' ties into my feelings about the transcendent, this higher power/reality urging all to grow and develop. I guess I would see demons as base and vicious aspects of reality and sources of wild and violent energy - very much as both Jung and early cultures saw them or primal gods or 'titans'.

It's also why I have a headcanon Sparda a)is fascinated by humans - they have the same struggles as him and b)he has a huge library on religions of the world, history, philosophy and science because he is still trying to discover the nature of reality just like Eva and this is what really brings them together.  I wrote this line last night when Eva looks at all the books 'So you devour our souls metaphorically instead of physically now?'

I debated on making Sparda saintly, like he has already has his struggle and is now secure in himself but that isn't interesting to me plus you know our shared love of fighting with the feral nature to ultimately make the person better. Plus I kinda like the romantic angst that way like with MadaMito hehe

Okay I need to go to bed now.

Ok, prepare for huge contrived reply incoming...

First of all. What??

I hate when parents do this. I’m so sorry, I never knew about it... I really hate this.

Video games are just another media, I never understood why people would pick on that and forbid their child from having some fun. FFS. 

If you want to play something some day I’ll always be there to help you installing, finding them, etc.. whatever you might need. Or even just finding anything related to games, etc.. I don’t play much these days as you know the multiple reasons but it was such an important part of my life I can barely imagine being cut out from this, even thought we always had old consoles this was very important.

About Sparda and the fic. I need to be sincere and say I’m taking so long to reply for two reasons. First because I LOVE the way you wrote Sparda but I was afraid of being too simplistic with my reply so I delved a lot on things...

But... tah-dah : I lost the huge reply I had wrote before. My note has 0 battery so its glued to the wall and it just turns off sometimes suddenly and I’m dumb and don’t save things so yeah. I kinda lost myself and got angry about that. 

Anyway, I understand what you said here, especially your feelings about the fic, in many ways I can see how my fandom views reflect in the original world I’m making, and the inverse is contrary. There are many parallels. It really helps and fandom work is as worthy as original, imo, I’ve been thinking about this. Our obsession with prequels and obscure characters has a reason and that is exactly because we want to explore what is hidden behind the veil... exploring the possibilities.

Sometimes it comes to shipping speculation, and this too has a reason.

Thinking about your views on Sparda and Eva, I thought a lot on what it truly means to write or develop an obscure ship and why we are so interested in that (think about that, many of our common favorite characters from prequels, etc..)

I came to the conclusion that in Eva/Sparda just like in many of our other ships, has the common theme of the heroin facing her ‘dark reflection’, her ‘animus’ as Jung would say (OH BOY I’m entering that with you), and she, at first rejects it like she reflects her own darker aspects, her unconscious… its abhorrent for her so she seeks to destroy it as rapidly as possible as seen by Eva’s renewed determination after learning Sparda’s true nature in chapter 1. The animus represents her doubts and unconscious... However what we see in your story is much more interesting. 

Most stories of this kind focus solely in the female aspect changing from her interactions with the male, who is already developed, but here we have Eva being able to re-awaken some viciousness in Sparda when it seems he has been quite restrained from quite some time (centuries) but also, something that is much more interesting.. it calls to his own determination and his own personal story and sacrifice, for some reason his ‘lust’ and brush with the dark side makes it all more important and more powerful than if he simply had been saintly at that point, like you said. It makes he revisit it all and ponder.

I love how you added lines of ‘temptation’ from Mundus, part of Sparda seeks to surrender to his ‘nature’ as its just so easy, like slip in a pair of old shoes... while the priestess memory, albeit silently, fights it and reminds him of his struggle and his ideals and ultimately her sacrifice which was also his own sacrifice (of his old ways). I think his darker side has been neglected and I think you will use this to develop Sparda into greater heights. Its great we get to see this in the actual story and he is not perfect, but he certainly is incredible. 

Also, just as a side-note I loved how you described his hunger as mostly non-carnal as he glimpses her spirit and its light... when we see Sparda’s POV we get reminded every time of his non-human nature and his non-human perception of things which is clearly different. A demon’s prey is not flesh but spirit and this makes a lot of sense and a lot of potential.

To sum it up, you snatched the best of both worlds and is about to develop both characters under a relationship, as they have a lot to learn and gain from each other. I think this is the way your narrative is going, more or less.

These developments are unique aspects which I find extremely interesting and you are doing this in such a genial way and I can see already by the end of the latest chapter the strings of the themes I mentioned are pulled and ready to be followed.

So yeah, they’re in for a journey of development together. Neither of them starts the story as a ‘perfect’ entity either way... This was shown in a very nice way as you pointed out misconceptions regarding both sides involving the duo of protagonists.

“I was thinking alot about hell and demons and what 'heaven' would be as I had a very detailed review on FF.net asking me all this questions, like why Sparda would long for the light if he is a demon and dunno, it always comes back to my pet theories of light and dark and the union of opposites. Sparda is so interesting because I feel he came to 'justice' on his own but probably also cemented by this mysterious priestess who he had to sacrifice. At least that is the way I would go if I was developing the lore or a prequel game. It seems the most juicy option. Anyways this 'light' ties into my feelings about the transcendent, this higher power/reality urging all to grow and develop. I guess I would see demons as base and vicious aspects of reality and sources of wild and violent energy - very much as both Jung and early cultures saw them or primal gods or 'titans'.”

I abstained a bit from the conversation earlier as I feared my careless/godless (lmao) perception was too disturbing for you or anyone but I also pondered on concepts such as heaven and hell, salvation, damnation, etc.. when considering Sparda’s tale. I know DMC isn't Christianity but its imagery is somewhat based on Abrahamic religion/mythos so I’m bound to take in consideration some of my ideas regarding biblical mythology, as in... 

When I started reading the bible so long ago it always puzzled me to imagine what exactly were angels/demons. I mean, are they even able to think in the same way as us?? Or are them more like ‘robots’, AI following orders (especially angels sometimes strikes me as that) and perhaps demons are those ‘robots’ that rebelled against their determined function, idk.

Something I wondered more than a decade ago was if demons in the bible are truly lost in every way so I started thinking within the dmc setting. I’m interested in that all and those things I mentioned. The interesting part is that I once asked that to my catechist if demons could be redeemed (lmao I was crazy, I know, but bored above all). She was at first very mad with me (she was always) but she reluctantly told me that demons had known god up close and felt his power so their sin in not following him is much bigger than a human’s, something of the sorts. So it sounded like they are also able to choose their way and I sort of apply this to dmc, lol. I’m weird, I know...

Are they capable or ‘worthy’ of forgiveness, because demons in dmc clearly have free will and thought like us, or at least similar to us. Some of them, like Sparda have clearly a lot of intellect, but like you said... others are very ‘primal’. Perhaps this is the key. The ‘evolved’ demon develops intellect and power... perhaps you are in the right track and it goes hand in hand? Does this make any sense?? The more powerful and developed they are, the more they develop ‘higher brain functions’ and star resembling a human more, idk because the lower demons in dmc are clearly more animal-like and primal while Sparda has a human-like shape and intellect.

I think I know where we are going and this looks like both angels and demons are actually a ‘reflection’ of human psyche. So, demons are the primal ancient aspects of the brain are somehow walking around hell just like that, while heaven and its inhabitants are mysterious. I really like the way you described hell and its inhabitants, it makes a lot of sense to imagine it as a part of human psyche embodied, in a way. I imagine Heaven as the exact inverse of Hell so it has its own creatures and they’re born from ‘order’ instead of chaos as stated above.

We have Bayonetta as a source of inspiration and I think its very valid to use that in order to understand Sparda. Heaven isn’t exactly good there, is it? In fact it appears like a very controlling environment.    

Hell: Primal, violent, survival of the fittest anyone? Hell inhabitants embodied  the most basic aspects of the brain, as you said.

Heaven: It might stem from higher planes of thinking and represent the more ‘sublime’ or ‘newer’ aspects of the evolving mammal brain.

It might make an easy choice for heaven but also such tight atmosphere is bound to become stagnant, it is no longer permitting flaws and strong emotions (thus angels look apathetic af in Bayonetta). 

It might seem at first glance that heaven is good, hell is bad, however I think, if you delve into heaven you might realize the beings born there might be too ‘disembodied’ as they represent exactly those parts of human psyche which are the most sublime. Let me explain, I always felt like too much spirituality tends to make people leave behind the reality of things, it might make them lack empathy for living beings who have to commit difficult decisions on a living basis, basic survival, starvation, the struggle for life, etc..

Think about enlightenment and Bodhisattva, also the rituals of mortification which are legit scary and reminds me of this concept as only those who leave behind all that is ‘mortal’ and are detached to an extreme, can reach Nirvana. I know this has not much to do with Christianity but even in this religion we find analogous associations regarding detachment as divine and saintly. Its also harmful in a way, or am I reaching? While too much focus on the primal/carnal leads to obvious horrible things: vice and chaos; too much detachment leads to apathy.

I do think some level of detachment is necessary to reach happiness but too much of it makes people forget the reality of life and makes them not able to relate anymore to the ones around them, as the focus becomes solely spiritual it kind of deafens them to the ‘real world’ and ignore it.

This is all about reaching a balance as its is our favorite theme, too much light is bad, too much darkness is bad, etc.. or else the story would fall into itself as the reality of the three settings (heaven, hell, earth) would be rigid.

So here we have a darker aspect of heaven, imo, to balance things out.

Heaven is clearly ‘order’ and hell is ‘chaos’ so we might as well find a balance... our favorite theme as always. The fact that one being like Sparda, born amidst ultimate chaos would gaze upward in delight and desire something else doesn't surprise me. The fact is he could be bitter about it, you even gave away the line on your fic where Sparda mentions he has been denied ‘light’. I wonder what exactly that means and this is one of my favorite aspects of your Sparda is that he is aware of his condition and even thought he worked against it its still lingering to him.. like his own flickering appearance.

But he hasn’t made his way up to heaven, huh? 

So its not a far reach to believe in it (that he desired ‘light’, whatever it is) but my personal belief is that too much ‘light’ is not good either and Sparda realized the beauty in flawed humanity, which sits right in the middle of light and darkness, order and chaos... that’s why he became enamored by the concept of humanity and all the struggle our own condition imposes upon us.

For me this is an archetypal theme.

Just food for thought.

The matter is... how? What exactly awakened him to justice? 

This makes stuff much more interesting. This was a huge ramble, I know but I needed to develop this and see if it works,

It's also why I have a headcanon Sparda a)is fascinated by humans - they have the same struggles as him and b)he has a huge library on religions of the world, history, philosophy and science because he is still trying to discover the nature of reality just like Eva and this is what really brings them together.  I wrote this line last night when Eva looks at all the books 'So you devour our souls metaphorically instead of physically now?'

So yeah, about a) I’m totally with you and I can see why Sparda would empathize with humans, as I talked earlier and I think my explanation on why Sparda would be fascinated by humans instead of ‘angels’ is made up above and I hope this doesn't sound too weird, just my line of thought.

As a demon, he’s born from a very ‘imperfect’ reality. He knows how shitty things can be... Now I really wonder how his life was before he ‘awakened to justice’ he must have witnessed some remarkably horrible things in his life..

Under the setting I mentioned, it would be I think its kinda easier for a demon to do this since angels would be too stuck up in their haven, idk so this is how Sparda, the unlikely hero is the first of these beings to take arms and defend humanity. Sparda is so special as he was the one to side with humans by his own decision and free will. What a guy!

I debated on making Sparda saintly, like he has already has his struggle and is now secure in himself but that isn't interesting to me plus you know our shared love of fighting with the feral nature to ultimately make the person better. Plus I kinda like the romantic angst that way like with MadaMito hehe

I’m glad you didn't! This is probably a gradual process even thought they say he ‘awakened to justice’ which makes it seem like he suddenly just did so I believe he had brewing feelings from his life as a demon in hell... 

He must have been such an unique individual to perceive truths his peers where not ready to learn and truly, an act of rebellion against the system itself coming from someone who is ‘supposed’ to do only harm is really something we want to see on screen and I’m so glad you didn't simplify it as being a single event in his life.

I’m really in love with this theme because it shows these beings are able to change their own destinies, even someone with such dark origins.

[chainslaughter]

high school

In reference to a point in the tags of that last post, im convinced the “popular pretty girls” who were obsessed w One Direction remained fairly nice to me any time we interacted thru out high school because I KNEW. I was there. Like i knew all about theyre dirty secrets and i basically had blackmail lol. Like you guys cant treat me less than because you honestly aren't allowed to. 

Basically in their 1D phase they invited me to sit w them bc i had no friends so i did(because everyone  will do anything in their power in HS to  make sure you dont sit alone god forbid and id rather sit by them actively than have a teacher force me to sit w someone i hated. like these girls would just mostly ignore me instead of actively humiliate me so that was better than nothing. it was still super awkward tho)

And like i eventually found some other people to sit with so i saw them less but sometimes(years later) id overhear them reference that phase with like, regret (it was subtle. theyd just have this certain tone of voice and look in their eyes that probably anyone outside the group wouldn't quite pick up on) and i had to laugh to myself bc its like. This should just be an inside joke between just you and your friends but im this one random person who knows, lol.

At least one of them was actually pretty nice tho and i ldid like her. So i dont actually care to much about this( im not gonna shame people for theyre wierd obsessions) its just, like i said what you can get away with if your one of the privileged kids (pretty, popular, rlly good grades/money whatver)

[llonelywater]

i feel like so often we have the right to undesirable feelings like sadness and grief and anger only insofar as we are able to justify them. no one’s going to validate your sadness when you’re sad for no reason at all, or when the magnitude of your sadness is disproportionate to its precipitant. this makes it very tiring to be around company because you either have to 1. appear okay or 2. allow yourself to be sad but come out with a jolly good reason for being the wettest blanket in the room. anything less than that and you end up feeling really disgusted with yourself, like youre being - god forbid - indulgent, acting all drippy and sad and self-pitying when life! has so many great things! to offer!!!!

there existed a time where i thought i would be perfectly content being by myself 90% of the time, so that i could feel as shitty as i wanted without having to explain myself to anybody. examining patients from morning till evening and then studying late into the night. it seemed like a terrific idea at the start, because it felt like i was finally channelling all these negative feelings into something useful, which is particularly heartening when the entire premise of my self identity hinges on things like innate worthlessness and inadequacy lol. then the tiredness set in. im not talking about the tiredness that makes you sleep well every night, im talking about a sort of hazy fatigue that eats into your brain and every single thing you do. im talking about sitting and staring into space for hours and then tossing and turning in  bed til four in the morning. today i sat at the benches in the basement of KKH for an hour after clinics because the notion of walking 100 metres to the bus stop, and then the subsequent bus trip, and then the mrt ride home, overwhelmed me. 

and if that’s not enough i feel like my own negativity seeks out other people’s grief and despair, a terrible state of mind to be in when you’re spending the majority of your time with cancer patients, or children with incurable diseases, or adults who are actively dying, or... yeah you get my drift lol. my brain felt like some sort of screwed up magnet-and-conduit for every bit of despair i came across, and life has a lot of despair to offer, if you know where to look, or if you look hard enough. even then it angered me. i felt ashamed, like i had no right to the sadness of these people, like their grief was not mine to claim. i remember sitting under the table in the student lounge way past dinnertime one day, thinking about the makcik with cancer and recurrent, inoperable IO who held my hand and wept and told me, over and over, that she did not know what to do. i cried for an hour, vacillating between bafflement and shame. how dare i cry? i had not experienced, even for a second, the tiniest sliver of her despair; yet here i was crying on her behalf, claiming ownership of her grief without the accompanying pain. 

but i digress... what i mean to say is that i feel terrible all the time, i feel all the more terrible because of every terrible thing (happening to the people) around me, and i feel terrible for feeling terrible, because my life is not, objectively speaking, a truly terrible one. it’s scary because i dont know how i got to this place, and more importantly, how the hell i will ever leave it. it’s scary because this feels like the rest of my life.