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theparanormalperiodical · 5 years ago

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The Real Story Behind Krampus (2017), And The 17 Other Terrifying Christmas Tales And Traditions You NEED To Know About

Christmas is a time for family, a time for laughter, and a time for drinking volumes of alcohol that make your cousins concerned about your emotional wellbeing.

But most importantly, it's a time for demons to hunt down children and stuff them full of straw and pebbles. No, I’m not talking about the Eastenders Christmas Special - I’m talking about the Christmas traditions they don’t put in Hallmark movies.

As Christmas has been celebrated for 2000 years, it has amassed a collation of equally terrifying traditions and monsters that only the dark corners of history could conjure up.

Although confirmed by the Dickensian tradition of sharing ghost stories (see Matthew Mcconaughey movie - or failing that some old book about poverty in Victorian Britain), it seems we’ve forgotten the true terror behind the most wonderful time of the year!

So, as your favourite paranormal blogger, I’ve taken it upon myself to bring together everything creepy ‘bout Christmas.

Today’s post is gonna take y’all through the mythical monsters you should be on the lookout for, plus the Christmas traditions that bare a dark, twisted backstory.

Which is all of them.

Let’s get spooky!

First, Let’s All About The Monsters Of Christmas

Hands up if you’ve watched Krampus (2017).

Here’s the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6cVyoMH4QE

It might not be Love, Actually, nor will it ever score a set of great reviews, but it got everyone talking about the mythical creature titling the film.

Need a summary?

This dark-comedy/horror film centres around a dysfunctional family at Christmas. When the youngest child loses faith in Santa, he rips up his letter to him, sending a signal to Krampus that he has lost his Christmas spirit and thus must be punished!

Okay, this film doesn’t fit the actual legend that well. But the kid does get dragged to hell - and unfortunately, that’s what sticks closest to the creature titling the film.

On top of this, the movie features the classic mysterious European grandmother that has a story about the war (as a European I can confirm this). But her story isn’t about an air raid, or some long-gone past ruler; instead, it explains a twisted tale regarding the most famous companion of Father Christmas.

That being said, it provides an introduction that only scratches the surface of the mythical creatures of Crimbo:

Krampus is the half-goat, half-demon creature that is often witnessed wandering ‘round with Santa Claus. Concieved in the pre-christian era in central europe, his aim of existence was to punish naughty children.

“So, Santa provides for the nice kids, Krampus provides for the naughty kids? Got it.”

If only it was that simple.

Krampus’s family tree is more twisted than the British royal family - and has a similar collection of dodgy relatives:

Son of the Norse goddess, Hel (ruler of the underworld and the dead), Krampus is a Perchten, a race of beasts born to scare away Winter. Never heard of ‘em? Well, you’ve probably heard of his grandfather, then: Loki.

Given his famous hegemony, it follows that he is always believed to be the Horned God of the Witches, and sticks to a devilish image.

With a dark, hairy body, large fangs and a tongue hanging far below his bottom lip, beast-like is an understatement. Accessorising his frightful look is a grasp of birch branches or a whip, as well as a sack or basket (to put children in and take to hell or save for a quick drink and snack later), and chains.

However, the chains part is still subject to debate: some believe it is an attempt to bind the devil by the Catholic Church in attempt to control him, while others claim it is because Krampus is Santa’s slave.

This directly relates to the position of Krampus and his fellow monsters - they are all believed to be Santa’s companions.

So, we know who Krampus is. But did you know he has a whole night devoted to him?

Krampusnacht falls on the 6th December, a day from which people put on masks and get drunk, scaring kids. Alternatively, you can dress up and hand out coal, mirroring the Krampus spirit! Nevertheless, both serve as a reminder to children not to be naughty, as does the bundle of golden birch branches you can have in your house.

Now, who’s ready to get their feminist on?

Frau Perchta is the female counterpart of Krampus.

This goddess-monster goes about giving good kids silver coins, and giving naughty kids, uh, well, death.

She’d slice ‘em open, and stuff ‘em full of straw and pebbles. But her backstory goes much further than simply murdering children: as she oversees spinning as a part of the 12 days of Christmas, she focuses on people that get their work done.

And if you slack? Then you gon’ get murdered.

Given her name, it’s obvious that like Krampus, she’s a beast-like creature. But her animalistic tropes only go so far as her feet - just like Krampus’ single goat hoof, she has a swan foot.

“So, she’s a swan?”

Nope - she’s either regarded as a beautiful young woman, or an old crone.

Classic Patriarchy.

Next up is another animal, but this time, it comes in the form of a cat. Unfortunately, the Yule Cat is less Instagram, and more deadly. Yep - this Icelandic beast eats the kids that fail to complete their chores before Christmas.

Just like Frau Perchta, it can be traced back to farmers attempting to scare their workers into getting shizz done. If they hadn’t processed the autumn wool, they’d be eaten by the cat. If they had, they’d receive new clothes.

You’d better be thankful for those socks, then!

But it turns out the Yule Cat isn’t the only monster from Iceland. In fact, he’s actually the pet of a family of ferocious Christmas beasts!

Gryla and Leppaludi are a couple hell-bent on detecting naughty children. Gryla, the matriarch of this famalam - is a Norse giantess, who wanders round each and every village in iceland. Once she’s found said children, she eats them.

Often she is described as a beggar, asking for parents to turn over their disobedient children so she can chuck ‘em in her sack, and add them to her signature stew!

Her husband - well, third husband but who’s judging - Leppaludi, is what the Daily Mail would label a benefit-scrounger as he hangs about in their cave all day. On top of this is their 12 children: The Yule Lads.

(God, this has a Daily Mail story written all over it.)

Each lad has a different, um, quirk.

One harasses sheep. One steels tupperware - no, seriously, he makes a point of stealing pots with lids. And another steals candles from children.

So that’s Iceland covered - let’s head back to continental Europe!

Hans Trapp is our next contender for the ultimate creep of Christmas. Trapp is a resident of Alsace-Lorraine, and comes from near the border of France and Germany. But what’s really terrifying about this monster is that he once existed.

Hans Von Trotha was a French Knight and man of particular political distinction. From his feuds with the church, to his ever-roaming spirit after he died, the following myth was by no means a random creation. However, the backstory to Hans Trapp took a bit of a detour from his past:

Trapp was reportedly a Satanist who would kill children. Yeah, you can see a theme here…

This rich, greedy man was excommunicated by the church, and then exiled to the forest where he would hunt children. Well, he would until struck by a bolt of lightning sent by God. But despite his rather dark past, his backstory is less really-demonic, more redemptive.

A bit like Krampus, he seeks to remind kids to be virtuous, teaming up with St. Nicholas to ensure children would be nice.

Next is Romanian Werewolves.

Yep, that’s plural.

Sure, these man-beasts show up during the full moon, but also makes a point of unleashing their true forms at Christmas. This has merged with caroling in Romania - dressing up as animals and pissing off people busy having a cheeky Baileys rather than see their family is a common occurrence there.

Oh, and they go around and tell you not to have sex.

No, seriously, you aren’t allowed to have sex on Christmas Eve cause Jesus or somethin’.

The other Christmas mythical creatures include:

Le Pere Fouettard, some fella who tags along with St. Nick, delivering lumps of coal to naughty kids. Well, when he’s not beating them up, that is!

Knecht Ruprecht joins Santa on his rounds too, but he isn’t like Pere, don’t worry! He kidnaps children, instead.

Next up is Zwarte Piet, one of Santa’s helpers who listens at the chimney of family homes to deduce if kids have been naughty or nice. Guys, we got a wholesome helper! Wait - people dress up in blackface to celebrate him?

I think we can all agree that racism is far scarier than anything else on this list…

Lastly, we have Belsnickel. And don’t worry, there’s no racism here. This bloke clad in fur and random clothes asks kids if they’ve been naughty or nice during the year.

Let’s Talk About The Terrifying Traditions

Well, we did it, guys!

We made it through the monsters behind a Merry Christmas.

And you can rest easy knowing these are all mythical creatures that can add a smidge of spook to your Christmas. But now it’s time to discuss the spooky side to the traditions we pull out of the attic year-upon-year.

So, no, these aren’t based on myths or religion - its based on historical fact!

Great.

Anyways:

If there’s one thing that defines Christmas - and is currently crippling my bank account - its gift giving.

Thinking of giving someone scissors for the most wonderful time of the year? It will literally cut your friendship or relationship in two. And shoes? The receiver of your gift will metaphorically walk away from your relationship.

But if you’re looking for a more, uh, positive gift, a wallet or purse should be on your shopping list, instead.

Wallets with money in them are believed to ward off demons, ghosts, and all other scary things.

Another creepy Christmas fact is the historical origins of mince pies. As a Brit, seeing Americans attempt to comprehend mince pies always figures as a solid meme. But the origin of it doesn’t steer too far from ‘Murican attempts to replicate this Christmas treat.

Back in the 16th century, cannibals would add human meat to pies, selling it off as actual meat. Oh, and this parallels some vague rumour of Santa being a cannibal. Basics, a holy man told him to give gifts to kids instead of eating them.

In some strange and convoluted way this somehow chocks up to mincemeat now insinuating that there is no meat in there, instead.

*shrugs*

Speaking of tasty treats, why not make sure you stick to the rule of the Baker’s Dozen at Christmas?

When bakers would make batches, they would provide 13 of something instead of a dozen in case something turned out wrong. But they would also provide an extra roll, or a bun, at Christmas!

It’s for that reason that on the 12th day of Christmas, you have to take down your Christmas tree. Fail to do so? You’re gonna have to keep it up all year, then. It’s a mouldy pine tree, or its bad luck.

Our next tradition stakes it claim as the twisting of a Crimbo icon: it’s Santa Claus, himself.

But this time, he takes on an urban legend that I’m sure many actually believe: understandably, ‘santa’ can be traced to ‘satan’, as if it is the unholy being himself but in disguise. And ‘claus’? It can be translated to ‘hoof claws’, a running theme we see with the monsters like Krampus.

So, could it be the devil in disguise?

Satan aside, who else likes trooping up to midnight mass and singing about the JC?

Well Christmas carols - and even carolling itself - actually sticks to a relatively dark past. Take Good King Wenceslas - this bloke let in peasants and encouraged them to join his bountiful feast!

Unfortunately, his charitable efforts were not rewarded. He was stabbed with a lance repeatedly outside a church upon his own brother’s orders, and was then dismembered.

Yikes.

Historically, carollers would partake in similarly violent activities, demanding food and drink from their audience. Heck, they would even so so far as to start attacking, raping, and destroying their property!

Guess it wasn’t a very Silent Night, then…

Our penultimate tradition is that of the Nutcracker: Whether you’re watching it, or using it to have a Christmas-specific nibble, there’s no doubt that this is pretty popular image of the festive season.

But - and it’s a big ol’ ‘but’ - it’s based on a truly terrifying story.

No, there’s no ghosts, no ghouls, and certainly no demons. But there is a child marriage.

The story goes that a girl, Marie, sees a nutcracker come to life. Her Grandfather than launches into this story of how men can be cursed with the ugliness of a nutcracker. She replies by saying she’d marry one no matter how they looked.

She is then whisked away into a magical world from which she marries a nutcracker.

This all goes down whilst she is 8 years old.

Our final tradition of terror is less about the abuse of young girls, and more about evil beings breaking into your house. Merry Christmas?

See, you’d think that people coming down your chimney is reserved for one bloke in particular, but it turns out that European tales of malicious spirits taking the same route is a common tale frequently told.

Belsnickel does the same, as do Greek goblins in order to terrorise the residents of the house.

So - What’s Your Verdict?

Which tradition left you shook?

And what Christmas film are you now going to watch to try and wipe this from your brain?

Be sure to hit follow to see a real spooky story tous les jours (everyday for the unsophisticated among us)!

At this point, I would tell you to have a Merry Christmas, but I think a safe one where, you know, you don’t get dragged to hell by Krampus, is best.

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mashtonasfuck · 5 years ago

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I was at work when Ash posted this, and came out of work to see the notif and then proceeded to sit in my car sobbing for 20 minutes. This man, and this band are my lifeline. I’ve never told y’all my story about how I found 5 Seconds of Summer, but now seems like a good time. I’ll put it under the cut so it doesn’t clog up your dash.

I found Luke around the 14th of March 2011. I was 14. He’d posted his cover of ‘Fireflies’ by Ron Pope a few days before, and there was just something about it that I couldn’t get out of my head. At the time I didn’t think much of it (this was pre-youtube account) and I kept checking back every now and then to see if he posted anything else. In April of that same year, Mike and Cal uploaded a video introducing them as a three piece under the name of ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ - they did a few more covers, most of the time with only two of them lmao, and I kept checking back to see what they were posting. Ash joined them in December 2011 and they became a four piece.

When they uploaded the video for ‘Teenage Dirtbag’, I knew that I wanted to keep watching their content as there was just something I still couldn’t shake. The energy with the four of them had shifted somehow from just being the three of them, and it kept me interested.

They toured a lil bit of Aus in 2012, and I spent my days on Youtube watching shitty videos of them playing songs they’d written themselves rather than covers. They then revealed that they were releasing an EP later in the year. They dropped ‘Unplugged’ in June 2012 in Aus and NZ and I remember being super sad that I couldn’t buy it in the UK yet. It was released WW in December 2012, and you bet your ass I bought an iTunes voucher so I could buy it (remember iTunes vouchers?? Those were the days, RIP iTunes). They moved to London at the end of that year. I remember seeing a video someone uploaded of them doing an impromptu session playing in a park in London and being so sad that I wasn’t there to see them. They did some small intimate shows in the UK while they were over here, but I never got to go to any of them.

In early 2013 they started touring with 1D, but again I never got to see them. I LIVED for the shitty videos people were posting on Youtube of their performances, and I was desperate to see this band I’d become so obsessed with following.

On the 24th of February 2014, they uploaded the video for ‘She Looks So Perfect’ on Youtube. It was at this point that my friends at school became aware of them and started following them, despite me telling them for years that this band were awesome (teenagers, am I right?). On the 27th of June 2014, they released ‘5 Seconds Of Summer’ out into the world. I was 17 years old.

At 17, I was struggling with A LOT. My grandad was very ill, my friends turned out to not be my friends, and it’s probably one of the loneliest periods I’ve ever had in my life. I’d experienced what I thought was heartbreak, and their self-titled album was everything I needed at that time in my life. I finally saw them on the 5th of June 2015. I got to spend two hours in a room with my four favourite people in the whole world. I have a video of them playing ‘Everything I Didn’t Say’, and all you can hear is me sobbing in the background lmao.

Walking out of that venue, I knew my life would never be the same.

I was pretty active on social media at this point, as were the boys, and seeing the stupid things they got up to on Keek and Twitter genuinely made my days so much brighter.

As we all know, ‘Sounds Good Feels Good’ was released on the 23rd of October 2015. I was 18, my parents had just split up, my grandad had died and I felt like the whole world was out to get me. I fell into a period of intense depression and did some things I’m not proud of, and I honestly didn’t see a way out. Then SGFG came along. That is the album that quite literally saved my life. Listening to the four people I admired most in the whole world singing lyrics about things I was going through, being the same age as me, was totally overwhelming. I don’t remember my first listen through of that album - what I do remember is the way that it changed my whole world view.

They understood exactly how I felt, down to the last detail. To this day I have to leave Broken Home and Invisible off of playlists because they jolt me back to a time in my life that I don’t ever want to experience again. That whole album was my saving grace for a long time. I’m eternally grateful to them for releasing it when they did, as I’m gonna be straight up and say that I might not have been sat here typing this today.

I went to their show for the SLFL tour on the 8th of April 2016. I spent most of that night crying my eyes out and getting weird looks from the people around me, but I didn’t care. This was my band, and they were playing the songs that literally saved me. The SGFG era was emotionally draining for me for a long time, and it took me a while to be able to listen to most of the album again as it just felt so raw.

When they took time off to rejuvenate themselves before album three, I was worried. For the last 6 years this band had been what kept me waking up each morning. The lack of content was freaking me out and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. My mental health was on its way down again and I found myself going back to old patterns.

At this point, I’d been in a relationship for almost three years, was engaged, and was living with my then SO. I thought everything was perfect, I had the life that I wanted with a man that I thought I’d be with forever.

In February 2018 they released ‘Want You Back’, and I loved it, but didn’t have the connection with it like I did with SGFG. I missed out on tickets for the 5SOS III Tour (and may have cried about it, but it’s fine), but bought tickets for the Meet You There Tour before they even released the album. This was my band, of course I was going to see them.

When ‘Youngblood’ dropped, I had a day off from work. I set my stereo system up, and lay on my living room floor with the speakers around me in a circle. I wanted to feel the new album, not just listen to it (weird, I know). Want You Back and Youngblood were fine, but then we hit Lie To Me.

‘I know that you don’t, but if I ask you if you love me, won’t you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to me?’

I genuinely felt all of the breath I had in my lungs, vacate. I’m gonna be straight and say that I hadn’t been happy in my relationship for a while despite what I said above - my partner was emotionally abusive, and the warning signs were clear, I just didn’t want to see them. That one line haunted me every time Luke sang it, but I let it play through and moved through the rest of the album. When it finished, I let it play through again. I let those lyrics flow through me, and by the time it got round to Lie To Me again, I was sobbing. Once again, these boys knew exactly what I needed to hear, at the exact time in my life that I needed to hear it. It took me seeing them again in November of last year to make a change in my life.

If you’ve been around for a little while, you’ll know that I’ve shared my Meet You There Tour story before, but if you haven’t read it, you can find it here. I stood at the back of the O2 Academy in Birmingham, a year ago tomorrow (1st of Nov) and cried. Listening to my boys sing those songs in person absolutely broke me, and made me realise that I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I left that show heartbroken, and overwhelmed, and honestly exhausted, but I drove back home and spent the next two months trying to fix the relationship I was so unhappy in.

I thought I’d made progress, but after Christmas of last year, everything fell back into old patterns and enough was enough. Watching my ex-partner walk out of the front door was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I’d taken the plunge, but I was broken. I moved back in with my mum in January of this year, which has been incredibly stressful (that’s another story lmao), but the one thing that has kept me going is these four boys.

Ashton is always the one that I feel the most connected with - I don’t know if it’s because he’s the oldest and people usually think I’m a lot older than I am, but his life philosophy and his attitude towards the things which make him a better person, inspire me every day. Whenever I’m having a shitty day, he always seems to put out a Tweet which says exactly what I need to hear. His love for us keeps me going every day, and I strive to be even half the person that he is. He does so much for us, and I thank God every single day he biked halfway across Sydney to attend that first band practice as a four-piece.

Their music makes me feel a lot less lonely, in a world that hasn’t always been the kindest to me. Because of them, I’ve met some of the coolest people on the planet through this godforsaken website, and the existence of these people in my life makes me excited to wake up each day.

This Tweet from Ash tonight reminded me exactly why I stayed with this band way back in 2011. Their passion for their art inspires me every single day and I am constantly in awe of the way they continue to push themselves and their performance.

I am not the same person I was at the start of the year. ‘Youngblood’ has helped me reinvent myself into the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m so much stronger than I ever thought possible, and I’ve only realised that because of four dorks from Sydney that told me it’s okay to be whoever you want to be.

I will forever be grateful for their music, their passion, and their presence on this Earth. I’ve never stuck with any artist as long as I’ve stuck with this band, and I would not change that for the world.

Thank you 5SOS, for always being there for me, even if no one else was. I love you guys.

#personal #wow #that ended up being a lot longer than I was planning #if you read all of that #I'm impressed #thank you #tw: sucide #tw: depression #tw: self harm #cashtonasfuck

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imgoingtocrash · 5 years ago

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I was tagged by @blondsak to do this and I LOVE IT, thank you sm, let’s go!!

1. What’s your favorite genre to write?

I don’t know if angst is technically a genre, but yeah. Angst.

2. Do you pull inspiration from real life, or do you pull things from other books/fanfiction you’ve read?

Mostly from other media and fanfiction. While some minor details do end up coming from my real life (references to things I like, the I Got Hit By A Car incident in Invulnerable, a lot of little family Christmas tradition references in we’ll welcome december with tireless hope), a lot of inspirations definitely come from fandom tropes I’ve seen and liked in other fic, episodes of TV, etc.

3. Do you tend to write one-shots, short stories, or longer things?

One-shots are my norm. Even when I write multi-chapter stories, I often pre-write before posting (EX: My 12 Monkeys prompt fic i swear that i’ve known you all along, where I did almost all of the prompts in advance and then just updated over a few weeks.) Invulnerable is the first time I haven’t pre-written in a long time, and you can see that means I kind of only update when the inspiration hits. 😅

4. Do you prefer to write description or dialogue?

It depends on the mood, but I find that a lot of the time, I start with dialogue so that I can build description/action around it. Especially when I’m trying to be funny. I get my jollies out and THEN focus on what the hell is going on.

5. Favorite fic/book of all time?

Oh my god that’s so hard! I’m a multi-fandom person that’s been reading fic since I was like 10, this could go on forever!

I guess I’ll force it down to Marvel/IronDad and Star Wars since they’re the last two things I wrote for.

Marvel/IronDad - For IronDad, either built from scraps by peterstank or what if there is no tomorrow? by iron_spider. Longform Endgame AU + BioDad and a hilarious and also angsty exploration of the Time Loop trope. Can’t go wrong for me either way. For general Marvel, the Responsible Science series by lettered took up my brain/soul/etc. for a few weeks, and I highly recommend it to anyone that wants to know what kind of awesome fic was being churned out in the post-The Avengers 2012 MCU era.

Star Wars - I could pick a lot of roads for Star Wars bc there’s SO MUCH but I’ll say gray areas by theputterer (that whole series, tbh) for Rogue One. For Rebelcaptain in particular, Color My Cheeks by Copper_Nails (Her_Madjesty), because it was one of the first fics I ever read in the fandom, and it’s stuck with me since. And I NEED more people to love the Identity series by madame_alexandra the way that I do. It’s...iconic, amazing, perfect Han/Leia and just generally good Star Wars fic that explores a lot of great stuff. I enjoyed the new trilogy but sometimes you just want a happy ending where it all works out and boys this is IT.

6. Favorite trope?

I have a lot of favorites, but I keep asking for Amnesia in gift exchanges because I think it’s under appreciated. There was this one Doctor Who fic back in the day that did it PERFECTLY and I don’t think I’ve found another fic in any other fandom that’s been able to rival it since.

7. Are you the kind of person to work on more than one wip?

haha. hahaha. No, seriously, the PILE of ideas for the made of iron, born of fire series that Savannah and I have is fucking ridiculous. And I have, what, 2 other unrelated WIPs on top of that right now? Who knows what else on my phone notes? My brain churns out shit constantly, it’s writing them all into fully functioning fics that’s the problem.

8. How long have you been writing?

Oh, God. Since I was 10, so...over a decade now. Almost 15 years. I used to write really bad self-insert fanfiction with my friends and I just for our enjoyment, and then I moved on to posting fanfic on ffnet pretty quickly after that. I even read a little on livejournal pre-Tumblr/AO3 migration.

9. Do you tend to write more in the morning, afternoon, or evening?

Evening to super early morning. My most creative hours are when it’s like 2 AM and I’m on a roll, or I’m just about to go to sleep and have an idea that I have to slap into the notes on my phone before I forget it.

10. Do you prefer to post and update your WIP chapter by chapter or wait until it’s 100% complete before sharing it?

Like I said before, I like to pre-complete. I takes away the pressure of making it have a deadline. I just write as I want to, as the inspiration comes, and then post it when I’m ready. It keeps my writing as a fun activity rather than a responsibility.

Thanks for the tag!! You may have already been tagged but @heartofcathedrals @itsybitsyspiderling @baloobird @spider-beep @savvysass and anyone else who wants at it!!!

#about me #writing #fic recs

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alecthemovieguy · 7 years ago

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Merry Subversive Christmas: Quirky songs to get you through the holidays

Over the years, I’ve gathered quite a collection of off-beat, dark or subversive Christmas songs. These songs are the alternatives to the familiar ones saturating the airwaves, so if you’re looking for something different, these might do the trick.

“Cool Yule” — Tony Rodelle Larson (1962)

This is often mislabeled as being performed by William Shatner. It is easy to understand the confusion as Larson’s broken speech patterns do indeed bring to mind Shatner’s riffs on such songs as “Rocket Man.” This beatnik take on “Twas Night the Night Before Christmas” is most definitely way out.

“Monster’s Holiday” — Bobby “Boris” Pickett (1962)

After the “Monster Mash” became a hit this quickie sequel was churned out. There are some amusing riffs on holiday classics, but it is mostly a shameless rewrite of the original. It was a minor hit, but didn’t remain a holiday classic.

“Silver Bells” — Paul Simon and Steve Martin (Sometime in the late 1970s)

This rare show rehearsal starts out simple enough with Simon doing a lovely version of this classic song, but soon Simon’s singing becomes mere backdrop for Martin deadpanning through a cynical monologue on the true meaning of Christmas that ranges from goofy to racy.

“Father Christmas” — The Kinks (1977)

Leave it to The Kinks, the same band that sang about an encounter with the transvestite “Lola,” to write a song about mugging Santa. Ray Davies’ sunny delivery masks the nastiness in lyrics such as “Father Christmas, give us some money/Don’t mess around with those silly toys/Well beat you up if you don’t hand it over.”

“Christmas in the Stars” (from the “Star Wars” Christmas album of the same name) (1980)

Strange and frightening things began to happen after the tremendous success of the original “Star Wars,” including an astoundingly awful 1978 holiday special. Lessons weren’t learned and two years later producer Meco — hot off his successful disco version of the “Star Wars” theme — produced a Christmas album from a galaxy far, far away. “Christmas in the Stars” is so bad as to become campy fun.

“There Ain’t No Sanity Clause” — The Damned (1980)

English punk band The Damned released this song just in time for the holiday season, but it failed to chart perhaps because no one wanted to have the Santa Claus bubble popped for the youngest yuletide revelers. The lyrics are barely intelligible, but, it is the sing-a-long anthem-like chorus that brings this one home.

"Bollocks To Christmas" — The Business (1981)

English punk bands must have had it out for Christmas in the early ’80s. Elton John's 1973 holiday classic "Step Into Christmas" gets rewritten and reworked into rollicking anti-Christmas anthem that is a welcome antidote for those overdosing on Christmas cheer.

“Christmas in Heaven” — Monty Python (1983)

Monty Python were always known for loopy songs that often pointed out the hypocrisies or the idiosyncrasies of society. In the film “The Meaning of Life,” Graham Chapman sings a caustic song about the consumerism and commercialism that runs rampant during the holiday season that includes lyrics like: “There’s great films on TV/"The Sound of Music” twice an hour/And ‘Jaws’ one, two, and three.“

"Christmas at Ground Zero” - “Weird Al” Yankovic (1986)

Weird Al’s song parodies are usually goofy and innocuous, but Al also has a macabre and twisted sense of humor that occasionally shines through. Written in 1986, “Christmas at Ground Zero” is a biting satire on Cold War paranoia filtered through the sound of a festive holiday tune. Are lines like: “It’s Christmas at ground zero/There’s panic in the crowd/We can dodge debris while we trim the tree/Underneath the mushroom cloud” riotously funny, or simply in bad taste? You be the judge.

“Christmas In Hollis” — Run DMC (1987)

This is a happy hip hop holiday song about Christmas in Queens, N.Y. The song includes such endearingly goofy lyrics as “It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark/When I seen a man chilling with his dog in the park/I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear/Looked at his dog, oh my God, an ill reindeer.”

“Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” — The Ramones (1989)

The Ramones were still kicking around in the late 1980s cranking out three-chord ditties. Surprisingly, one of the best songs from this era is a Christmas song about the tensions of the season and the need for forgiveness.

“Santa Song” — Adam Sandler (1993)

Everyone is familiar with Sandler’s “Chanukah Song,” but he actually did a Christmas themed song that pre-dates its by a year. In this one Sandler sings about all the reasons he won’t be getting a visit from Santa. Best line: “Santa don’t like bad boys…especially Jewish ones.”

“12 Days of Yaksmas” — Ren and Stimpy (1993)

There have been numerous parodies of the “12 Days of Christmas,” which is your favorite really comes down to personal preference. As a youth in the 1990s, I’ll always have a special place in my heart for the warped antics of this dog and cat team.

“Burger/Christmas Medley” — Phil Hartman and Sinbad (1995)

Hidden in the closing credits of the film “Houseguest,” a largely forgettable comedy that lives on as cable TV filler, this is an amusing medley of barbecue-themed Christmas songs. Hartman even reprises some of his most famous “Saturday Night Live” impressions, including Frank Sinatra and Bill Clinton.

“Little Drum Machine Boy” — Beck (1996)

“The Little Drummer Boy” gets morphed into an odd dance and rap flavored Chanukah anthem featuring “the holiday Chanukah robot of funk.” Beck is a chameleon-like musician who blends different genres with amazing skill. It is hardly traditional, but certainly original and memorable.

“The Night Santa Went Crazy” — Weird Al Yankovic (1996)

Don’t be fooled by the sweet guitar strumming of the open, this Christmas carol turns humorously sour fast. Yankovic turns his twisted mind on Christmas in the story of the night Santa finally snapped and became a “big, fat, disgruntled yuletide Rambo.”

“I Won’t Be Home for Christmas” — Blink 182 (1997)

Goofball pop/punk rockers wrote this anthem for all those who are driven up the wall by the holiday season. The song features bitter, but funny lyrics like: “It’s time to be nice to the people you can’t stand all year/I’m growing tired of all this Christmas cheer.”

“I Want an Alien for Christmas” — Fountains of Wayne (1997)

Years before Fountains of Wayne recorded its breakup out “Stacy’s Mom,” the band recorded this cheerfully loopy song that seems to be a modern riff on “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” It is hard not to smile at such lyrics as “I want a little green guy/About three feet high/With seventeen eyes.”

“O Holy Night” — Eric Cartman (1999)

“South Park” dedicated a whole episode to satirizing holiday music back in 1999. This is one of the tamer songs from the episode with the spoiled Cartman butchering the holiday classic to hilarious effect.

“Lonely Christmas Eve” - Ben Folds (2000)

Faith Hill’s “Where Are You, Christmas?” got all the attention, but this song is probably the best thing to come out of Ron Howard’s bloated film version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Written from the perspective of the Grinch, the tongue-in-cheek piano-man perfectly captures the Dr Seuss tone in a way the movie it appeared in never did while also adding his own quirky sense of humor.

“Bizarre Christmas Incident” — Ben Folds (2002)

Folds hasn’t done a Christmas album, but based on this and the above song, it would be one of the funniest ones ever recorded. This aptly named song unfolds a dark tale of a man encountering Santa in the night. The song answer the question of what would happen if Santa got stuck in the chimney. Needless to say, it doesn’t end pretty. Best enjoyed by those who like their humor black.

“Jingle Bells” - Brian Setzer Orchestra (2002) Setzer reinterprets “Jingle Bells” with his familiar swinging rockabilly stamp. It is a hoot to hear him change the “one horse open sleigh” to a “57 Chevrolet.”

“Elf’s Lament” — Barenaked Ladies (2004)

On “Barenaked for the Holidays” the Ladies presented a collection of Christmas favorite as well as original songs featuring their quirky sense of humor. On this song an elf complains “I make toys, but I’ve got aspirations.” Bonus: this song features vocals from Michael Bublé.

“Mr. Heat Miser” — Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (2004)

The song first appeared in the 1974 stop-motion animation special “The Year Without Santa.” Thirty years later the swing revival group Big Bad Voodoo Daddy recorded the definitive version of the song for their holiday album “Everything You Want for Christmas.”

“Christmastime for the Jews” — Darlene Love (2005)

Robert Smigel contributed a series of animated shorts to “Saturday Night Live” called “TV Funhouse.” This was one of the best with soul singer Love providing the vocals to a song that describes what Jews do while gentiles “stay at home and party with their goyish family.”

“Dick in a Box” - Lonely Island and Justin Timberlake (2006)

When it first aired on “Saturday Night Live” Dec. 16, 2006, it was clear it would become an instant classic. A parody of ‘90s R&B was an ideal fit for Timberlake, but when you got to the punchline, it was the last thing you expected.

“I’m Getting Nuttin’ for Christmas” — Relient K (2007)

Christian punk/pop band Relient K’s do a fast, rocking cover of the novelty song “I’m Getting Nuttin’ for Christmas.” The snarling punk attitude and crunching guitars suit lyrics like “I broke my bat on Johnny’s head/Somebody snitched on me” quite well.

“Another Christmas Song” — Stephen Colbert (2008)

Stephen Colbert did a hilarious parody of holiday specials in 2008. The special’s songs either subverted preexisting songs or, in this case, are something completely new. Lyrics like “The tree is frozen, the winter’s bright/Who’d have thought the wise men look so white” are made all the funnier by Colbert’s authentic crooning.

“Present Face” — Garfunkel and Oates (2008)

This female comedy-folk duo combines disarming charming and simple hooks with goofy and/or raunchy lyrics. In this case the duo leans toward the silly side as they sing about the all too familiar face people make when they get a present they don’t like.

“Christmas Tree” — Lady Gaga featuring Space Cowboy (2008)

Leave it to Lady Gaga, the reigning pop queen of weirdness, to co-write a Christmas song filled with dance beats and dripping with sexual innuendos. It is most definitely not family friendly, but the audacity is admirable.

“Merry Something to You” — Devo (2009)

Yep, Devo, those quirky new wavers recorded a song for the holidays. Blending cheery, generic holiday music with the synthesizers and drum beats they are known for, the band creates an infectious little ditty. Devo often used their songs to satirize society and that’s most definitely the case here as they proclaim: “Believe what you want nothing’s really true.”

“Oh Shit, It’s Christmastime!” — Mad Tea Party (2009)

This uke-abilly band vents their frustration for Christmas in this infectious two-minute ditty. The cynical lyrics include sentiments that anyone can relate to, if only fleetingly: “It’s Christmas, forgot about the pagans and Jews/It’s Christmas and it makes me blue.”

“Christmas Night of the Living Dead” — MxPx (2009)

It was perhaps inevitable that there would be a zombie-themed Christmas song. Punk rockers MxPx present this bloody tale of Christmas carnage featuring the chorus: “Christmas night of the living dead/My face is green and the snow is red.”

“I Wish It Was Christmas Today” — Julian Casablancas (2009)

Originally a goofy tune performed on “Saturday Night Live” by Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan, Casablancas, the lead singer of The Strokes, fleshes it out into a full-fledged rocking Christmas song. The added production value manages to enhance the simple charms of the skit rather than undermine it.

“All I Need Is Love” — CeeLo Green Feat. The Muppets (2012)

The Muppet’s classic “Mahna Mahna” becomes the spine for this joyous collaboration with CeeLo Green, in which Green proclaims all he needs is love for Christmas. Slick modern pop production combined with the silliness of the Muppets make this hard to resist.

"The Season's Upon Us" — Dropkick Murphys (2012)

Boston’s beloved Celtic punk band offers up their take on the holiday season. The song gleefully embraces familial dysfunction and chaos with such lyrics like “My sisters are wack jobs, I wish I had none/Their husbands are losers and so are their sons.”

“I Fucking Love Christmas” — Rob Scallon and Doug Walker (2014)

Doug Walker has been providing irreverent movie reviews on the Internet as the Nostalgic Critic since 2007. He loves Christmas. He really loves Christmas, which he makes abundantly clear in this gloriously over-the-top song. The hilariously explicit lyrics definitely require parental discretion.

“Sump’n Claus” — Kenan Thompson (2014)

“Saturday Night Live” delivers again with yet another hilarious satire of Christmas. Here Kenan Thompson plays Sump’n Claus, who, unlike Santa Claus and his judgmental list, declares “everybody’s gettin’ sump’n” and that something is cold hard cash in a white envelope. Just don’t ask where it came from.

“Text Me Merry Christmas” — Straight No Chaser and Kristen Bell (2014)

A cappella group Straight No Chaser is joined by actress Bell for a perfect mix of sincerity and satire in looking at love and the holiday season in the modern age. Playful lyrics like “I don’t care if you spell things right/I just want to hear from you tonight/Stroke those keys with your delicate touch/And type those little words that mean so much” are delivered with a charming sweetness.

“Santa’s Coming For Us” — Sia (2017)

Every year, a new crop of artists release Christmas-themed albums. Typically, they are filled with covers of the same holiday standards with a couple originals thrown. Refreshingly, Sia’s “Everyday is Christmas” features all new songs that perfectly blend Sia’s idiosyncratic pop sensibilities with the upbeat sounds of the season. Lead single “Santa’s Coming For Us” is effervescent and catchy in way that never becomes insufferable.

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lassieposting · 8 years ago

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valduggery for the ship ask game? (p.s. your links/navigation bar isn't working).

thank you! i’ve fussed with the theme now so hopefully it’s working? and i’ve added new tags/fandoms/ships pages to make it easier for people who want to send me ships for stuff like this.

who hogs the duvet: val. she likes to wrap herself up like a burrito when she sleeps. sharing a bed is weird for both of them tbh. val’s used to being able to spread out as much as she likes and skul’s used to either sleeping out in the open with the dead men or meditating in an armchair. Both of them have nightmares. Both of them keep really unsociable sleeping hours because work comes first, and both of them find it difficult to settle. a lot of the time skul will doze off on the couch, fully-dressed, and val will have to wake him up to take him to bed. but it works out well - val likes being wrapped up in the quilt, and skul hates being held down by anything, so he doesn’t usually mind when she steals it.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going: skul, especially before she moves in. he’ll ring her when she’s at home with her folks to see what she’s up to, get updates, whatever. they’re very rarely apart, so they don’t function very well without each other.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts: val. when china installed the facade she got him a hairbrush. which he still doesn’t often use.

who gets up first in the morning: pre-resurrection, skul. his meditation cycle is shorter than val’s sleep cycle, so he usually wakes up a few hours before she does and makes her breakfast, picks out a suit, does some paperwork or something until she gets out of bed. post-resurrection, he crashes and burns. val winds up getting up first and making coffee, because the smell will coax him out from under the quilt

who suggests new things in bed: val’s still relatively inexperienced when they get together. she slept with fletcher, but they were both clueless virgins at the time, so it wasn’t especially impressive. she slept with caelan, but he was far more interested in how it felt for -him- to be with her than how it felt for her to be with him. so teaching her the majority of the fun stuff gets left to skulduggery. she’ll suggest things she saw on the internet, or things she just wants to try, but a lot of the time it’s him who brings up suggestions.

who cries at movies: val. skul is too desensitized by this point to cry at anything, really. the only time she ever sees him cry is when he’s in pain and it’s like, an automatic physical reaction. everyone will get watery eyes if punched in the face, it’s just a thing. and she very rarely cries at films - only ones where the dog dies. i am legend ruined her. skul came home from the off-license to find her on the floor with her arms flung around xena’s neck, bawling like a baby.

who gives unprompted massages: i think most people would say skul here, but im gonna go with val. skul can feel phantom sensations as a skeleton, so presumably if he can feel pain (which comes from nerve endings, which he doesn’t have) then he can enjoy a back rub (which involves muscles, which he doesn’t have). he’s stressed one day because a superior chewed him out for something and val just puts her hands on his shoulders and starts rubbing his shoulder blades with her thumbs and like. no one’s touched him like that in centuries? he just goes fucking. limp. leans into it. once she realises how much he likes it, she does it more often.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick: skul. because val won’t stand for it any other way. she’s very demanding when she’s ill.

who gets jealous easiest: romantically, val. she hates other girls flirting with skulduggery. or getting too close to skulduggery. or touching skulduggery. it all drives her up the wall. and he knows it, and he finds it endearing and amusing. he’s completely unruffled by people flirting with her - he’s too old, now, to really be threatened like that. he knows how much she loves him. but he’s more likely to get jealous over people she’s close to. he’s been irrationally jealous of her family on a couple occasions. he’s sometimes jealous of tanith. she’s all he’s got, he’s possessive over her. but he keeps his mouth shut about it.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music: skulduggery. he stopped liking music so much after the tail end of the thirties.

who collects something unusual: skulduggery. he has a whole room to house his hat collection, iirc

who takes the longest to get ready: skul, especially when he had to cycle through facades to find a hot one. his whole getting-ready-to-go-out-routine can take like, an hour. even when they’re going somewhere nice and she puts makeup and heels on, she still usually has to wait a half-hour or so for him.

who is the most tidy and organised: skulduggery. he’s military. val’s room usually looks like a bomb went off and it stresses him.

who gets most excited about the holidays: val. skul hasn’t celebrated anything in hundreds of years. but she insists on decorating on the 1st december every year, plays terrible christmas songs, insists on a big meal (usually held at ghastly and tanith’s house, since valduggery as a unit Cannot Cook). at halloween she tries to drag him out of the house to trick or treat, or makes him answer the door to the little kids who come past in costumes. she used to buy him an easter egg every year, even when he was a skeleton and couldn’t eat it, purely for the benefit of then being able to steal it and eat it herself.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: they kind of switch, depending on who needs comforting at the time. if skul has a nightmare, val will kind of wake up enough to roll over and pull him down with his head on her shoulder, and pet his hair until he goes back to sleep. if val’s had a bad day, she’ll cuddle into him and let him look after her. skul is usually big spoon if they’re just chilling on the couch.

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports: val. training sessions are a nightmare.

who starts the most arguments: val, hands down. skulduggery is from an era where the home was the woman’s realm. he’s 100% in charge at work, and val defers to him bc he’s the more experienced fighter, the accomplished tactician, but his general home-life attitude is “yes, dear”. it’s been a long time since he had a woman in his life telling him off and telling him what to do, but he learns pretty quickly to bite his tongue whenever val starts on him. that said, he’ll tease her for his own amusement, so he doesn’t help himself.

who suggests that they buy a pet: nobody suggests it. he turns up to pick her up and bring her home from meek ridge, and she introduces him to xena. he’s horrified. at no point was he informed that she had a dog.

what couple traditions they have: they spend his birthday together every year. she hasn’t spend a new years eve with her family since she was thirteen. she lets the reflection out, meets him by the pier, gives him his birthday present and then they drive into dublin to watch the fireworks together. once they become a thing, val insists on the new years kiss as well.

what tv shows they watch together: whatever val wants to watch. skulduggery isn’t a big fan of television and doesn’t have anything he’s especially invested in. he’ll sit with val when she watches something, but he’s horrible to watch shows with. he talks constantly. tells her how unrealistic or badly-acted a plot point or scene is. she’s threatened to remove his jaw so she can watch game of thrones in peace more than once.

what other couple they hang out with: ghanith. tanith and val love it. ghastly and skulduggery agree they see far too much of one another these days.

how they spend time together as a couple: research lmao. they used to have actual research sleepovers where val would help him out until she fell asleep on his couch, but now they usually end up either sprawled out on the sofa together with val on top and her head on his chest, watching an old movie, or she like. teaches him games on the xbox. val is determined to drag skulduggery kicking and screaming into the 21st century

who made the first move: val. skulduggery would never have said anything if she hadn’t come onto him first.

who brings flowers home: skulduggery. he’s an old romantic. there’s always a little message in the bouquets in flower language. val has no idea, because she doesn’t know there is a flower language. she’s usually just ‘oh these are cute, thanks’ and then drops them in a vase and forgets about them until they die and he throws them out. she’s not romantic at all

who is the best cook: val, because skul cannot cook for shit, but they both suck tbh. val lives off processed oven food. she’s slim and toned bc the amount of exercise she does vastly outweighs the amount of calories she eats, not because her diet is especially healthy. they fight constantly over who has to make the food and god help val when skul gets it into his head to make her breakfast in bed

#bubblemoon66 #skulduggery pleasant #valdug #sp headcanons

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operawindow9-blog · 5 years ago

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What’s missing from our list of 2018’s best TV?

As we wind down 2018, our best-of coverage continues with the following question:

What’s missing from our list of the year’s best TV?

Kyle Fowle

There’s hardly reason to argue with almost any year-end list these days because of the sheer number of good TV shows out there, but I’m genuinely surprised that HBO’s High Maintenance didn’t make our list. The second season of the HBO run keeps with the anthology-esque spirit of the show, but it goes deeper in ways surprising and touching. So, there’s still the random characters that populate New York and The Guy’s life, but what’s different this time around is a narrative through-line involving The Guy’s ex. That character arc, one of pain and jealousy and moving on, adds so much to a season that’s already achingly honest. Add in the fact that one of the year’s best episodes—“Globo,” reckons with the election of Donald Trump, and the completely indescribable feeling of moving through the world on the morning of November 9, 2016 in a smart, poignant, and stirring way—and you have a season of TV that’s more than worthy of any year-end list.

Myles McNutt

It’s difficult for an established reality show to make it into a best of TV list: Beyond the fact that critical conversation privileges scripted programming, reality shows are built on iteration, and that feels less novel or memorable when we reach the list-making time of year. And I’m part of this problem, because I failed to put CBS’ Survivor on my own list despite the fact that its fall cycle has been absurdly enjoyable for a show in its 37th—not a typo—season. Yes, the David Vs. Goliath theme is profoundly dumb. No, I couldn’t tell you a single thing that happened during the season that aired in the spring, so 2018 wasn’t all great for the series. But something about the alchemy of casting and game-play has created a season with a succession of satisfying twists and turns, reminding us that although we may not instinctively think of it as list worthy, a reality show 18 years into its run can still create some of television’s best drama and comedy. (I’ll never hear the name “Natalie” without laughing now.)

Eric Thurm

Making reality TV really pop is an artform: There are hundreds of hours of interactions to film, comb through, and precisely edit into a narrative that will make sense, delight viewers, and feel just slightly off, like humans hanging out too many years in the future to quite make sense to us. So every year, I become more and more impressed with the reigning queen of the genre: Vanderpump Rules. The sixth season is one of the show’s best; over half a decade in, Vanderpump Rules remains an examination of fame, misfired charisma, and the terrors of tenuous social status that would put any 19th century novel to shame. Whether it’s Jax Taylor maybe falling in love with his reiki master Kelsey while his relationship with Brittany Cartwright festers like an untreated sore, Stassi Schroeder’s then-boyfriend creating a new god tier of social faux pas by grossly hitting on Lisa freaking Vanderpump, or the slow-moving car crash of James Kennedy ignoring the “best friend” he was clearly sleeping with (not that anyone else cared), Vanderpump Rules remains mesmerizing. The cast of past, present, and future SUR employees are stuck with each other forever, and it’s incredible. It’s not about the pasta; it’s about dread.

Clayton Purdom

Aw, come on—am I the only person who thought Maniac was one of the year’s best? Well, apparently. Cary Joji Fukunaga’s 10-parter was far from perfect, but it aimed admirably high, wrangling spy action, elven fantasy, late-capitalist malaise, intense family dynamics, corporate psychotherapy and more into a freewheeling caper across several levels of reality. It also got career-best comedic performances out of Emma Stone and Justin Theroux and a fine, sad-sack turn from Jonah Hill. And Ben Sinclair! Not all of its ideas stuck, but it was messy, smart, and light in a way I’d love to see more sci-fi attempt.

Dennis Perkins

I’ll admit, I was worried going into the new, Mary Berry-less (not to mention Mel- and Sue-less), Great British Baking Show era, but I am pleased as rum baba to say that this enduringly endearing and delightfully stressful baking competition series has marched on just as sweetly. Sure, there’s a lingering bitter aftertaste to the great British baking show schism that led to those departures, but not on the Great British Baking Show itself, which rides remaining judge Paul Hollywood’s gruff charms alongside new judging partner Prue Leith and celebrity goofballs Noel Fielding and Sandi Toksvig without missing a trick. The key ingredient to this series’ success has always been the utterly generous heart that goes into every episode, and Fielding and Toksvig, if anything, seem more emotionally invested in the fates of the contestants they have to expel, one-by-one, from the show’s famous tent. And if Hollywood and Leith continue the necessarily merciless judging of soggy bottoms, overworked and under-proved doughs, and the occasional collapsing confectionary disaster, they, too, provide warmly constructive criticism rather than the traditional reality show scorn. A series—as the departed Berry was wont to say—“cram-jammed” with delights, The Great British Baking Show remains one of the most cozily exciting TV experiences going. [Dennis Perkins]

Alex McLevy

Maybe it’s the curse of distance that comes from being released way back in January, or maybe it’s simply a victim of the era of Too Much TV, but I’m bummed out to find the Steven Soderbergh-helmed Mosaic failed to crack our top 25. The miniseries is everything you could want in superlative television: a sharply nuanced and well-written mystery, performed by a coterie of uniformly strong actors at the top of their game (longtime character actor Devin Ratray deserves to be getting award nominations for his star turn), and an ace director brilliantly shooting and editing the whole thing into an intriguing puzzle? It’s the one thing I have felt comfortable recommending to anyone all year long who’s asked me what great show they should check out, regardless of individual tastes, and sadly, not a single person to date has responded with, “I’ve already seen it.” (Feel free to ignore the accompanying multimedia app as an experimental lark on Soderbergh’s part.) You’d think an HBO series from an Oscar-winning director wouldn’t need underdog-status championing, and yet here we are. Give it a watch if you haven’t yet—and odds are, you haven’t.

Caroline Siede

Come on you guys, Netflix’s Queer Eye gave us two full seasons and a special in 2018, and we couldn’t even give it a spot on our list?! I get that it can be hard to stump for reality TV when there’s so much great scripted stuff out there, but Queer Eye at least deserves a special award for being one of the most unexpected joys of 2018. The new Fab Five offered an updated spin on the early ’00s Bravo original, emphasizing self-empowerment, confidence, and empathy along with styling tips and home makeovers. Karamo used his vague “culture and lifestyle” assignment to deliver some really thoughtful therapy sessions, Tan invented a whole new way to wear shirts, Jonathan established himself as an instant icon, Antoni put avocado on stuff, and Bobby did five times as much work as everyone else while getting barely any credit for it. Whether we were bonding over tear-jerking transformations or mocking Antoni’s complete inability to cook, Queer Eye was the rare cultural unifier based on something lovely and uplifting, rather than dark and depressing. I’m guessing we’re still going to need that in 2019, so it’s a good thing the show has a third season on the way. Until then, I’ll just be rewatching A.J.’s episode on a loop.

Lisa Weidenfeld

I watched and loved a lot of TV this year, but it’s possible Wynonna Earp is the show I looked forward to the most, and also the one I wish I was seeing on more best-of lists this December. It’s a Western, a procedural, a Buffy descendant, a horror comedy, and probably a few other things as well. But mostly it’s fun. Its wildly entertaining third season was the strongest yet, and featured a potato-licking mystery, a Christmas tree topper made out of tampons, and one of TV’s sweetest ongoing romances—the usual stuff of great drama. The show’s mythology keeps expanding into an ever larger battle between forces far more powerful than its scrappy team of heroes, but it’s the writing and character work that make the show shine. Wynonna may be tough and merciless in her pursuit of victory, but it’s her sense of humor that keeps her human and compelling, and the bond between her and sister Waverly has provided a grounding emotional force on a show with an increasingly complex central plot. There just aren’t enough shows on TV that would work a Plan B joke into their heist sequence.

Vikram Murthi

Even correcting for James Franco’s involvement, which might put people off for legitimate reasons, it blows me away that The Deuce didn’t crack AVC’s main list. David Simon and George Pelecanos’ bird’s-eye view of the inception and proliferation of the sex industry in the United States represents some of the most mature, compelling television of the year. Simon’s detail-oriented, process-focused approach comes alive when examining a side of American culture that functions as a metaphor for everything: gentrification, the rise of cultural conservatism, urban renewal, late capitalism, and, most potently, the filmmaking process. This season, Simon and Pelecanos pushed their subjects toward broader freedoms that quickly revealed themselves to be traps in disguise. Not only does all social progress come with a price, but also it’s limited to those pre-approved by those controlling the purse strings. Yet, Simon and Pelecanos never forget that the tapestry of human experience is neither exclusively tragic nor comprehensively optimistic. Some people discover happiness, and others lose their way. Rising and falling in America has always been a permanent state because social environments and political context circumscribe life-or-death choices. It’s been a decade since The Wire ended, but its worldview lives on through Simon’s successive work: everything’s connected, follow the money, and bad institutions fail good people every damn day.

Danette Chavez

Although the show’s title addresses a certain demographic, Dear White People has so much to say beyond calling out the oblivious and privileged. Yes, Justin Simien’s adaptation of his 2014 film of the same name wears its politics on its sleeve, but they’re right next to its heart. The show is much more a winning coming-of-age dramedy than it is a polemic, and even then, it’s still miles ahead of most college-set series in both style and substance. Simien’s created his own visual language to capture both the intimacy of the relationships among the core cast, as well as the microscope they’re under as black students at an Ivy League school. And I really cannot say enough about the dialogue, which crackles and informs. Season one had such a moving coming-out storyline, made all the more so by DeRon Horton’s vulnerable performance; the new season follows Lionel’s adventures in dating and dorm sex, with hilarious and poignant results. Really, the whole cast should be commended, from Logan Browning, who provides a wonderfully complex center as Sam, to Antoinette Robertson, who may have given the series’ best performance in season two’s “Chapter IV.” Dear White People still makes a point of punching up—at racist and sexist institutions, tangible and otherwise—but many of its most extraordinary moments have come from characters like Sam, Gabe (John Patrick Amedori), and Reggie (Marque Richardson) recognizing their personal foibles. Thankfully, Netflix has already renewed Dear White People for a third season, giving you all a chance to get it together.

Gwen Ihnat

The odd Amazon sitcom Forever had a lot to say about the monotony of monogamy and marriage: Can you really stay with someone happily for the rest of your life? (Or afterlife, as the case may be.) With anyone but Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph cast as that main couple, Forever might have slowly slid into bland drudgery. But the two gifted comic actors injected a lot of life into the monogamy question, aided by a spirited supporting cast including Catherine Keener, Julia Ormond, and Noah Robbins. Sure, there are some days when you want to talk to anyone but that person sitting across from you at the breakfast table. But who else would discuss with you, ad nauseam, banal topics like the perfect way to spend a half-hour, or the best way to sit in a chair? The standalone episode “Andre And Sarah” makes achingly clear how much finding (or not finding) that person who makes you shine steers the path your life will eventually take, all in a mere 35 minutes.

Allison Shoemaker

While I’d love to praise one of the many things that aired this year that I’m sure to revisit in future—someone else is going to mention Wanderlust, Salt Fat Acid Heat, and the dazzling Jesus Christ Superstar Live In Concert, right?—I feel compelled to bring up a program I’m almost certain I’ll never watch again. It’s unlikely that when HBO snapped up The Tale at Sundance this year, the network was thinking of the benefits of the pause button. Yet it’s a benefit all the same. The debut narrative feature from documentarian Jennifer Fox follows a fictionalized version of the director (played by Laura Dern) as she re-examines a traumatic childhood experience she’d filed away in her mind as loving and consensual, managing to be both gentle and almost unbearably upsetting all at once. Dern’s simple, seemingly relaxed performance belies the nightmare which fuels it, and that pause button may prove invaluable to some—it certainly was for me. The Tale is a film which seems to demand that you witness, rather than merely watch it. Should you need to walk away for a minute, it’ll keep.

Noel Murray

I know, I know: At least once or twice a year someone tells you about some cool animated series you should be watching, and talks about how trippy and ambitious and strangely deep it is. But guys, trust me: You need to catch up on Cartoon Network’s Summer Camp Island. Only half of season one has aired so far (20 10-minute episodes, mostly non-serialized), with the rest of the first batch reportedly set to debut before the end of the year. It’s a show parents can watch with grade-school-aged kids or on their own—a treat for animation buffs, and for anyone who enjoys a the kind of surrealism that’s more adorable than upsetting. With its snooty teen witches, dorky monsters, and never-ending parade of anthropomorphic clothes, toys, plants, and foodstuffs, Summer Camp Island is like a weird old Disney cartoon crossed with an ’80s teensploitation picture. And it is glorious.

A.A. Dowd

Mike Flanagan is a Stephen King guy. You could guess that from his adaptation of Gerald’s Game and from the news that he’s doing King’s Shining sequel Doctor Sleep next. Or you could just watch his work and marvel at how plainly influenced it is by the author’s, at how well it captures that signature King touch—the division of perspective among multiple characters, the interest in history and trauma, the graceful juggling of timelines. There’s much more King than Shirley Jackson in Flanagan Netflix take on The Haunting Of Hill House. The miniseries didn’t scare me as much as it seemed to scare a lot of my friends and colleagues—while well-executed, its jolts were mostly of the familiar James Wan spirits-slithering-up-walls variety. But I loved the intricacy of the storytelling, the way Flanagan moved fluidly from the childhood scenes to the adulthood ones and back again, mapping the entwined lives of these damaged siblings to suggest the way that our past and present remain in constant conversation. (It’s memories, of course, that are really haunting the Crain family.) In the end, I found Haunting Of Hill House a better, more spiritually faithful adaptation of It than the real one from last year. Guess that makes me a Mike Flanagan guy.

Erik Adams

The contents of The Big List demonstrate that it’s a great time for television comedy of all stripes: Animated, musical, workplace, detail-oriented genre parody, surrealist examination of the agony and ecstasy of existence. And while I would’ve liked to have seen some notice for the humble charms of NBC’s Superstore or a nod to that episode of Joe Pera Talks With You where Joe hears “Baba O’Riley” for the first time, I’m surprised that we didn’t heap more praise on another Michigan-set cable show co-starring Conner O’Malley. Like Myles with Survivor, I’m willing to accept that I’m part of the problem: Detroiters didn’t make my ballot’s final cut, despite all the hearty laughs, shoddily produced TV commercials, and General Getdown dance routines (“He’s a general—he’s the best”) the Comedy Central series gave me this year. Sam Richardson and Tim Robinson’s love letter to their shared hometown will always be powered by the stars’ explosively silly onscreen connection, but season two did some stellar work at fleshing out their characters as individuals, whether it was Sam reuniting with an ex to record a sultry grocery-store jingle or Tim (loudly) grappling with the family legacy of Cramblin Duvet Advertising. If nothing else, these episodes proved that when it comes to comedic news anchors, sometimes the inspiration for Ron Burgundy outstrips the legend himself.

Source: https://tv.avclub.com/what-s-missing-from-our-list-of-2018-s-best-tv-1830979080

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deannawads · 7 years ago

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MM Historical Fiction–14 authors, 13 great deals

Get swept away to times long past. Fourteen authors share their love of history through fiction. Follow the website links after my post to read the authors’ articles about their books and then go pick up a great read for half-price or less from December 12 – 24!

Welcome to the M/M historical romance tour!

WRECKED is on sale December 19th for 89 cents

the Dreamspinner website.

It is more than half off for the entirety of the tour at ony $2.99

Deanna Wadsworth Wrecked Era: pre-Civil War Key West, Florida Dreamspinner .89c Dec.19 only

Twitter | Pinterest | Goodreads| Facebook

“Key West is a little village of hardy seamen undisturbedly reaping a rich harvest

from the enormous losses of commerce on the Reefs.”

—Gov. William P. Duval; 1st civilian governor of Florida, 1832

“WRECK ASHORE!”

Such a fabled warning was not issued from atop one of the four merchant lateen towers in Key West, nor did it echo across the islands, as romanticized stories have often told. Neither did a magnificent rush of fishing smacks and spongers begin sailing out from the harbor when a vessel wrecked along the two hundred miles of coral reef on the eastern coastline of the new American state, Florida.

When word that a ship had met trouble eventually reached the mainland, it was kept quiet, whispered among merchants and ship captains wanting to stake their claim before their competitors.

For in the Florida Keys, one man’s loss was the gain of another.

With nearly one wreck a week, despite all the efforts to build lighthouses and update charts, the wreckers patrolled the Straits by sailing back and forth between wrecking stations. They were on the lookout for vessels caught on the coral or beached in the shallows so they could hire out their services. While some of the old Bahamians had earned their reputation as pirates, the American wreckers were licensed by the US Federal Courts, offering a much-needed service to misguided seafarers.

Although these brave seamen knew the dangers that lay beneath these waters all too well, wrecking was in their blood. Months could pass idly at sea while waiting to find work during a wrecking sloop’s watch. And when it did come, the seamen worked blue blazes, because if a wrecker didn’t salvage, he didn’t get paid. Yet more than merely salvaging valuable cargo, the heroic Florida wreckers had another, nobler reason to patrol the Straits. They saved lives….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WRECKED was a long time in the making. In 2009 I went to Key West, Florida where my hubby and I visited the Key West Shipwreck Museum. I knew there would be relics from under the sea, but I never expected to be inspired to write this book. In the 1850s Key West was the wealthiest city per capita in America. That money was brought in by salvaging–a dangerous occupation which left many wreckers with a reputation as pirates. Rumors abounded that they tricked mariners into hiring them, or even had a hand in wrecking the ships to begin with. My hero, Mathew Weston, is forced to hire the wreckers after his ship wrecks, and now he must sell all his rescued goods in Key West where it seems the merchants have deals with the auction houses. His goods sell at half price! Yet despite the financial loss, Mathew cannot stop obsessing about how attractive he finds one particular wrecker, Rief Lawson.

I had a lot of fun serching for historical quotes to open each chapter. Chapter One, when Mathew has been thrown overboard, begins thus:

“There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life

when a man takes his whole universe for a vast practical joke.”

—Herman Melville; an American novelist, 1819-1891

I was also quite lucky to discover a little book called The Young Wrecker, where the author recounts his personal experience as a boy working on a wrecking sloop in the 1850’s. True to books of the era, The Young Wrecker literally pauses in the middle of the story to describe in detail what the streets of Key West looked like. Talk about a hidden treasure! I poured over books about the history of the Florida Keys, and even endevored to mix real historical figures in with my cast, such as the lighthouse keeper Mrs. Mabrity. Rief and Mathew climb the Key West lighthouse, which you can still visit and was only a few years old when WRECKED takes place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blurb from WRECKED:

Off the Key West coast, Rief Lawson works as a wrecker, salvaging ships and their cargo. Exiled to the outskirts of society because of his mysterious gift of sight, Rief’s only respite from his loneliness is painting an unknown blond man. When a merchant ship wrecks during a violent storm, Rief rescues a drowning victim and comes face-to-face with his destiny.

It is the man from his art!

Heir to an English barony, Mathew Weston entered the merchant trade with his greedy father and soon-to-be father-in-law. Dominated by his father and smothered by the people around him—including his sweet but tiresome fianceé—Mathew is terrified to follow his true desires. Marriage and obedience seem safer than a life of secrecy and possible prison.

After the daring rescue, a fire ignites between the two men. Powerless to resist his desire, Mathew learns what it means to be a man in Rief’s arms. With this newfound confidence, Mathew teaches Rief through gentle touch that he deserves the affection he’s long been denied. Yet their affair is doomed from the start. Two desperate men, wrecked in heart and mind, must find a way to salvage the chance at love fate has given them.

Get your copy of WRECKED December 19th for only 89 cents in the Dreamspinner store!

If you miss out, don’t worry, WRECKED is more than Half-Off for the entire tour!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Visit all the authors participating in this MM Historical Fiction Blowout.

(NOTE: Sales prices & website links may not be active until Dec. 12)

Discover a new author.

Find a new book to read.

Click on the “website” links to read the authors’ posts

Alex Beecroft The Reluctant Berserker Era: Early Medieval/Dark Ages Saxon Amazon All Other Formats $0.99 Website | Amazon author page | Facebook | Twitter

JP Kenwood February and December (Dominus Calendar Series 1) Era: Imperial Rome Amazon Worldwide $0.99/.99p Website | Facebook | Twitter | Archive of our Own

Brita Addams Beloved Unmasked Era: Early 20th Century New Orleans Dreamspinner | Amazon $3.00 Website | Newsletter | Facebook | Twitter

Anne Barwell On Wings of Song Era: WWI – 1920 Dreamspinner $2.50 Website | Twitter | Queeromance Ink | Newsletter |Facebook

Joanna Chambers Unnatural Era: Regency Amazon Amazon (UK) Nook iBooks Kobo GPlay $1.99 Website | Facebook | Twitter | Goodreads

Wendy Rathbone Ganymede: Abducted by the Gods Era: Bronze Age, fantasy, alternate myth Amazon $1.99 Website | Facebook | Newsletter (get a free copy of “Letters to an Android”)

Michael Jensen Man & Monster Era: 1799, America Amazon $1.99 Website | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook

Charlene Newcomb Men of the Cross (Battle Scars I) Era: Medieval – 12th century Amazon $0.99/99p Website | Twitter | Facebook

Ruby Moone Memories Era: Regency Only $2.99 Amazon | JMS Books Website | Twitter | Facebook

Charlene Newcomb is currently working on Book III of Battle Scars, 12th century historical fiction filled with war, political intrigue, and a knightly romance of forbidden love set during the reign of Richard the Lionheart. There will be more to come, so sign up for Char’s Newsletter. It will be used – sparingly – to offer exclusive content and and to let you be the first to know about special offers.

Dec. 12 Alex Beecroft

http://ift.tt/2B78vUj2/mm-historical-fiction-christmas-bonanza/

Dec. 13 JP Kenwood

http://ift.tt/2B5gS2y

Dec. 14 Summer Devon & Bonnie Dee

http://ift.tt/2B7fFbd12/08/simon-and-the-christmas-spirit-on-sale/

Dec. 15 Christina E. Pilz

http://ift.tt/2B68uQjtwelve-days-christmas-historical-fiction-sale/

Dec. 16 Anne Barwell

http://ift.tt/2B71yCn.com/2017/12/10/the-12-days-before-christmas-mm-historical-fiction-blowout/

Dec. 17 Brita Addams

http://ift.tt/2B55y6sgle-post/2017/11/28/The-12-Days-Before-Christmas-MM-Historical-Fiction-Blowout

Dec. 18 Silvia Violet

http://ift.tt/2B55zr2017/12/10/mm-historical-fiction-holiday-sale/

Dec. 19 Deanna Wadsworth

http://ift.tt/2BBDE37hives/696

Dec. 20 Joanna Chambers

http://ift.tt/2BBEfln7/12/10/awesome-christmas-historical-sale/

Dec. 21 Michael Jensen

http://ift.tt/2B4cGAencategorized/the-12-days-before-christmas-mm-historical-fiction-blowout

Dec. 22 Wendy Rathbone

http://ift.tt/2B5P7a7.com/2017/12/christmas-book-sale.html

Dec. 23 Charlene Newcomb

http://ift.tt/2B5raQa17/12/10/mm-historical-fiction-sale

Dec. 24 Ruby Moone

http://ift.tt/2B3nmz04

from MM Historical Fiction–14 authors, 13 great deals

#MM Historical Fiction–14 authors #13 great deals Deanna Wadsworth

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