#glenn slater h8 blog

[joons]

more little mermaid (2023) hot takes

i didn't like "wild, uncharted waters" much. i don't know why he sounded so much like bastille? lol. it wasn't an improvement on "her voice" from the musical. it served a fine purpose, but it was my least favorite new song because it was just there. if it had been given more of a broadway treatment, i would have enjoyed it more, i think. the production of it was just odd. "her voice" also emphasizes the mad, obsessive aspect in the music, with minor key resolutions and repetitive, WAVELIKE instrumentation.

"for the first time" was pretty cute and a definite improvement on "beyond my wildest dreams," which is probably one of my least favorite glenn slater songs (!!!). i like the caribbean flavor, i like ariel expressing doubt and embarrassment and frustration mixed with clear excitement. it does a lot more with "look at this new stuff!" than "beyond my wildest dreams," which is just glenn slater listing things, constantly, forever.

"the scuttlebutt," i am sorry to say, slaps. i don't want to explain how much i've been listening to it, lmao. for that matter, awkwafina as scuttle slapped. scuttle was the best adapted character with an incredible design and a fun update of being a diving bird. but i'm a scuttle girl. i'm a "positoovity" stan. i'm insane.

hated that sebastian wasn't a composer in this. i always liked how sebastian is a snob who kind of only gets involved in ariel's life because she ruined his day and he couldn't keep his mouth shut. it's ALMOST as an equal that triton asks him to keep an eye on ariel. obviously he's a subject and does have to take orders from the king, but it's not like actually his job description to advise the king. that's what makes it funny when he's constantly advising the king, unasked for, and then ends up having to put his money where his mouth is and prove that ariel can be controlled. making him the official adviser is so boring.

i am still trying to get my head around some of the changes to ursula's deal. i feel like they have a huge impact, but the movie doesn't necessarily realize that. something about the way mermaids and humans are seen as genuinely conflicting species in this, the way ursula just assumes that without a sweet, mermaid voice, ariel has no chance of captivating eric... it becomes more of an interspecies conflict instead of a gender war, you know? ursula still has a very low view of men, so i almost feel like taking out the "holds her tongue" verse was a missed opportunity to give her mistaken views more relevance. like she's just scuttling her way into telling ariel how love on the surface works. and that should feed into the "our species have misunderstood each other for so long" thing. that it prevents meaningful relationships between species, between genders, between fathers and daughters. and i feel like that theme could have been enhanced by making ursula a bullshitter who delights in SOWING DISCORD and creating these pressure points of misunderstandings. i got the definite vibe, though it was never directly stated, that ursula is the reason ariel's mom died in this version, that she created all the conflicts in the film. so rejecting her worldview is part of the generational healing process. so the more we can dwell on that worldview and knock it down, the better!

i also missed my ditzy sisters! they were too competent!

[joons]

ever since you pointed out how mediocre glenn slater's writing is it's been grating on my nerves (i'm finally catching up w galavant) and i blame you for pulling me out of my ignorance

galavant is great. glenn slater is terrible. 

i’m sorry for your pain, but i’ve been living with this knowledge for years and i have to let it out sometimes. :)

[joons]

@thetomatowriter:

“His lyrics are the thing that keeps me from loving Galavant as much as I COULD love Galavant. Like, Galavant is HILARIOUS and the cast is obviously talented, the music is fun and fits the show but the LYRICS sometimes are just soooooo bad. His lyrics come off like the first draft of a songwriter with writer’s block but all the time.”

!!! it’s like, i really don’t care to critique those songs, none of the show’s music is intended to do more than ... move the plot, and his lyrics fit in THAT context better than anything else he’s ever done, but that’s still .... a low bar, haha

[joons]

TOP 5 WORST GLENN SLATER LYRICS LET'S DO THIS

it is so difficult to choose

"the beauty underneath" - love never dies[just all of it. the whole thing.] is the music in your head have you followed where it ledand been graced with a tasteof the beauty underneath[i can’t even go past this point, it just gets worse and worse. i can’t believe this thing got all the way to the west end without anyone raising concerns. no one even giggled to themselves once. NOT ONCE.]

"beneath a moonless sky" - love never diesand i caught you and i kissed youand i took you and i begged you [okay, this is the most boring love song ever, though? it’s like an instruction manual for robots. kiss her and _____ and _____ and ______.]with a need too urgent to deny :[ so grossssand nothing mattered thenexcept for you and iagain and then again please no :[beneath a moonless sky 

"beautiful" - love never dies i think it’s beautifulbeautiful, beautiful notesbeautiful, beautiful soundsdon’t you agree? it’s beautiful [i can’t fucking believe this]this boy, so very beautifulthis music, music that comes on control [comes on control? that is not a phrase that has ever been used by a real person. it doesn’t make any sense! you control something, you get things under control. you don’t put them on control??]he plays like mefloating and lovely and boldhe’s just ten years oldten years ooooooooooldmy god, my god [even glenn slater can’t believe how terrible these lyrics are]

"i see the light" - tangled[count the conjunctions]and at last i see the lightand it’s like the fog has liftedand at last i see the lightand it’s like the sky is newand it’s warm and real and bright [it’s like a book for toddlers, i swear.][also pair this with “the world above” from the little mermaid:]there’s so much light here!light and spacethe sun’s so bright hereupon my face [are we sure glenn slater isn’t a vampire and alan menken his human thrall?]

"beyond my wildest dreams" - the little mermaid (broadway)look over here! could you bust?isn’t it just bedazzling, dazingutterly amazinggazing ‘round, it’s like, to die![he’s trying to figure out how teenagers talk without ever having spoken to or seen a real teenager][now watch as he fills up the line with lots of WORDS and SOUNDS and PHRASES that he can repeat if he wants!]i’d hoped and wished and wanted so to be herewished and prayed and planned it to a Tprayed and wow! just look, it’s really me here [i never want to see the word “and” again]

[joons]

...oh

[joons]

emptybees replied to your post:what didn't you like about tangled's lyrics?

STANDING OVATION. that’s exactly my problem with tangled’s music—the melodies are fairly simple, esp when donna murphy’s not belting her heart out, but the lyrics can’t balance it out with anything more complex so it’s all just BLAND

yeah, they're not as aggressively bad as some of his work, but they're really noticeable, and that's Not Good. 

[joons]

what didn't you like about tangled's lyrics?

[laughs]

i have no issue with tangled. i love tangled. the “when will my life begin” reprise makes me cry every single time i hear it. it’s a sweet, great, action-y movie, so my criticism is all going to rest squarely on glenn slater’s shoulders. 

for reasons unknown to me, he is alan menken’s current righthand man. alan menken has worked with such talented lyricists as howard ashman (a god among men) and stephen schwartz, who definitely knows how to turn a phrase. this is the legacy glenn slater is hoping to live up to. but he can’t. glenn slater is a lyricist who, in my opinion, is so painfully u g h that even the stuff that’s bearable gets tainted by his overall pattern of mediocrity. 

you’re probably unconvinced. let’s just back up and take it slow. 

for me, the most disappointing lyrics in tangled are in “i see the light.” it’s one of the simplest melodies in recent disney musical memory, which is fine, but to balance it, the lyrics need to bring something extra-interesting to the table, some new understanding of who these characters are. here’s what we get: 

and at last i see the lightand it’s like the fog has liftedand at last i see the lightand it’s like the sky is newand it’s warm and real and bright [gee whiz, what ELSE is “light” like, glenn slater?]

now she’s here, shining in the starlightnow she’s here [she’s STILL here?], suddenly i knowif she’s here [SHE IS!], it’s crystal clear…

the simplicity here stands out even more because of the slow, measured melody. every line of the chorus starts with “and,” with more peppered in for good measure. every other word is a synonym for “light.” in the verses, we repeat “all those days / years” or “now she’s here” approximately 87 times because repeating that is easier than crafting an entirely new line every time. it gives the impression that the lyricist is just dropping in as many words as possible in order to fit the melody, which is exactly what glenn slater does in every song he’s ever written. 

this technique, arguably, works in a song like “when will my life begin,” which is meant to mimic the mundane repetitiveness of rapunzel’s daily life. i get it. but it’s so characteristically glenn slater that i’m forced to wonder if he even realized that.  

i’ll brush and brush and brush and brush my hairstuck in the same place i’ve always beenand i’ll keep wondering and wondering and wondering [wait for it] and wonderingwhen will my life begin

all right, glenn slater, good job with your three-syllable word-of-the-day, which you charmingly cut down to two in this song (wond’rin’). i’m proud of you. 

if he weren’t glenn slater, i would probably have just raised an eyebrow at how ultra-simple the lyrics in tangled can be, but this is the only way he knows how to write. let’s look at some of the lyrics he contributed to the broadway version of the little mermaid. this is the scene where ariel is getting pampered in eric’s castle:

i’d hoped and wished and wanted so to be herewished and prayed and planned it to a Tprayed and wow, just look, it’s really me here

look at how many words are crammed into three lines that mean exactly the same thing!!!! and he even repeats them WITHIN those lines. and this is the chorus, so the whole thing gets repeated. oh my god, i just … have to sit down. 

then there’s love never dies. it’s a sequel to phantom of the opera, written by andrew lloyd webber. this is the big leagues, so presumably glenn slater’s going to bring his A-game.

it’s a story ostensibly about a man too ugly to ever be loved. (that’s not what it’s about, but glenn slater didn’t come up with that hook, so i can’t fault him there.) but glenn slater didn’t ask any follow-up questions about that premise. “this man is ugly? ok. what’s something that means the opposite of ugly? beautiful? okay, here we go, we’re gonna rock this.”

i think it’s beautifulbeautiful, beautiful notesbeautiful, beautiful soundsdon’t you agree?it’s beautiful

notes and sounds! surely not both at the same time!!! and five beautifuls is not enough! we need a few more! but not too many, glenn, hold it back, save it, save it, we’ve got an entire musical to get through. in another song: 

it seems so beautifulso strange and beautiful

"but chelsea," you say, "this is a ten-year-old kid talking, of course his vocabulary wouldn’t be that evolved!"

ok, let’s go to the other guy in this scene, the 50-year-old murderer who may or may not be this kid’s father!

have you felt your senses surgeand surrendered to the urgehave been hooked as you lookedat the beauty underneath?

does it fill your every sense?is it terribly intense? [terr-i-blee]tell me you need it tooneed the beauty underneath

[dials chris hansen]

ok, glenn slater, we’ll skip over the other “beauty”-themed songs you’ve got here, because we could be here all day unless we get away from this word.

how about you write a love song with NO variation of “beautiful.” let’s say it’s a pretty long song, maybe 5-6 minutes. i’m sure a lot of things can happen in that amount of time, and you can describe them without filling up space with conjunctions and words that all mean the same thing like you usually do.

and i touched youand i felt youand i held youand i touched youand embraced youand i felt you

and that is why we have to stop giving glenn slater lyricist jobs.