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courtingstars · 4 years

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Notes for The Vanishing Prince: Chapter Nine

Yay, Chapter Nine is finally posted! As I mentioned over on Ao3, I’ve been looking forward to sharing this one for a loooong time. I don’t have much to share in the way of cultural notes, but I still had some pretty big things I wanted to talk about… Like info about the mental health topics from the therapy scene, plus a ton of rambling about things I’ve been researching and/or planning for a while. So if that’s something you’re interested in, well… enjoy? //laughs

As always, I updated the Pinterest inspiration board with images inspired by the new chapter. (I actually did that last month, which was when I originally intended to post the chapter before my schedule fell apart… So anyone who was checking the board during that time got an accidental sneak peak of what was coming next. Oops? ^^;) You can check the board out here.

And with that, on to the notes!

Cut for a writer babbling on and on about mental health research, references to earlier events in the series, and also violins (!!) …

Akashi’s Childhood Friendships

So the first scene of Chapter Nine features a headcanon of mine that has been popping up throughout the series… Which is that when Akashi started going to school, he attended a private elementary school that mainly catered to elite, wealthy families and their children. He was generally encouraged to spend time with his classmates, rather than seeking friends elsewhere, and he never made any close friends from a different social “class” until he started going to Teikou. (Which he joined specifically because he asked his mother if he could go somewhere that was different from his elementary school.)

As this chapter reveals, he never told his father about the friends he ended up making through basketball, because of the values he was modeled earlier in life. This was actually brought up alllll the way back in The Fast Train to Kyoto. (Though it was pretty vague!) In fact, Akashi referenced it in the very first scene:

Maybe it was the echoes of his father’s voice inside his head, just another series of frosty words he ached to forget:

“It is not for an Akashi to associate with just anyone. Your time is valuable, Seijuurou, and so is your reputation. See that you don’t waste it, on trivial pursuits, or persons unworthy of your stature.”

Akashi cringed. ‘Persons unworthy of his stature? What a ridiculous idea. Everyone he had ever known who had made his life worthwhile, had no particular wealth or rank to speak of. (With the crucial exception of his mother.) He had long ago discarded this principle of his father’s as nonsense.

I also explained the backstory with his elementary school and his struggle to make friends in a lot more detail in Chapter Three of Fast Train. (As well as why he decided to go to Teikou, and how he started making friends there, particularly Midorima.)

That aspect of his childhood turned out to be pretty important in the series, so I thought it was worth mentioning that Akashi did talk about it before… Especially since those early values still affect how he sees his friendships, plus it’s one of the reasons why he’s been trying to keep those friends as separate from his home life as possible. (Until Furihata came along and wanted to sleep over at his house, and he just couldn’t say no to his BFF, apparently? //laughs)

Attachment Theory, Disorganized Attachment, and Dissociation

So, uh… I’m not qualified to talk about any of this, like, at all. //laughs That being said, I’ll start with a big disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, or an expert about this subject in any way whatsoever. So if anything I say doesn’t make sense or I get any of the details wrong, I sincerely apologize in advance! This is just based on the research I’ve done and some first-person accounts I’ve read over the years. As a non-expert, I find a lot of psychology theory to be difficult to research in general… Since a lot of the science is still being studied and verified, and things are becoming outdated all the time.

Okay, so with all that being said… In this chapter, Akashi’s psychiatrist brings up a theory in psychology called attachment theory. If you’d like to learn the basics of how it started, the Wikipedia article has a decent overview of the initial studies. Basically, the theory has to do with the idea that children bond with their primary caregiver (stereotypically the mother, but it doesn’t have to be) either successfully or unsuccessfully, based on how the caregiver responds to the child’s needs. A child who bonds with their caregiver in a healthy, successful way is said to be “securely” attached, while an unhealthy bond is an “insecure attachment.”

From there, it gets more complicated… There are a few different types/forms of insecure attachment, and these types can be classified in different ways, depending on the study. (There’s also something called “attachment style,” which from what I can tell is an idea inspired by attachment theory, that adults will have a general style of bonding that originates from their main caregiver bond in childhood. This idea is often used to help adults work through issues in their adult relationships.) For example, there’s generally an “anxious” form of attachment where the child is overly scared and tends to cling to their caregiver if they try to leave, out of fear that they won’t get the care they need. Then there’s an “avoidant” type where the child tends to push the caregiver away or ignore them, and can seem very apathetic and independent. (Even though they’re actually just as scared on the inside of not being cared for as an “anxious” child.)

As you can imagine, there are a lot of theories about why this happens, and what exactly in the caregiving process could contribute to it. What’s more, some children display both anxiety and avoidance… A form of this is called “disorganized attachment.” As Akashi’s psychiatrist explains, this describes a behavioral pattern where the child clings to their caregiver AND pushes them away, sometimes very close together. This style seems to often develop when the child has been through some kind of early trauma, often severe abuse or neglect. It also seems to be prevalent among people with dissociation disorders, which isn’t surprising, given the common thread of childhood trauma between the two. You can read more about that in this article here.

Actually, I first learned about disorganized attachment—and attachment in general—when I was reading a blog many years ago that was written by someone chronicling their experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder. As I researched the subject in more detail, I came across a few explanations about how children with this attachment style tend to act very confused and distressed around their caregivers, and I found the descriptions really sad… It helped me begin to better understand some of the difficulties that these children go through, and how it affects their minds when they’re still developing. It’s not hard to imagine how a child who longs to be taken care of but also has painful experiences of being denied that care (for whatever reason) can really struggle with trying to make sense of their reality and survive it on an emotional level. And that struggle causes lasting damage.

It’s important to note, though, that some psychologists will caution against assuming that a child’s attachment to their primary caregiver always dictates how they will attach to other people in their life, or in their future relationships. Also, there’s some evidence that children may struggle with attachment issues not just because of the actions of their caregiver, but also due to their own personality/ genetic predispositions. You can read more about both of these topics here.

Way back when I started planning this series, and deciding how to portray Akashi’s backstory, I found myself returning over and over to the concept of disorganized attachment… I wasn’t sure if it would make it into the fic directly, and it’s certainly not the only thing that influenced my portrayal of Akashi’s mental health. But it was definitely something I had in mind from the start, and helped shape the series, so I’m glad that I did end up referencing it in some detail.

The Akashi Family Servants

Since I just introduced the housekeeper, now seems as good a time as any to mention this… Originally, I didn’t plan for the servants who work for the Akashi family to have roles in the series at all? XD Takeda is the only one who’s mentioned in The Fast Train to Kyoto, and he doesn’t have a name. (I refer to him as either Akashi’s “driver” or “valet” depending on what he’s doing… This was actually before I’d decided that Takeda is the one who drives Akashi around when he’s in Kyoto. OTL) Then I mentioned several of the servants during Furihata’s visit in Storming the Castle… But almost no one gets a real introduction? Except for the butler, Ginhara. //laughs

One reason why I took so long to give them names/describe them is that I try to mostly stick to writing about canon characters in fics, instead of creating a ton of OCs. (I consider the families of the KnB characters to be canon, since they’re in the fanbooks. XD) But I enjoy coming up with minor characters, if it feels like a good fit for the story! Still, you can really tell that I didn’t know I would end up using these characters as much as I did, because their names are alllll over the place… Especially Takeda, which is roughly the Japanese equivalent of naming a character Mr. Smith or something? (LOL.) For a while I really regretted that I didn’t come up with a more interesting name for him, since he ended up being in this series CONSTANTLY. Also, I recently received this incredible comment on Chapter 5 of The Fast Train to Kyoto and it’s one of my all-time FAVORITES:

“Yo the drivers probs just sitting in the front like

Mmm this tea is piping hot”

(And they signed their name Yeet too, omgggg XDD)

… So yeah, I have decided this is totally Takeda’s reaction, to Akashi and Furihata’s whole “friend breakup” in the rain in the first story. //laughs

That said, I kind of love that Takeda has such a generic name now? Especially after he showed up at Seirin in sunglasses in this chapter. (Like maybe Takeda isn’t even his real name, because he actually had an exciting former life as a secret agent or something like that, and now he’s working for this super rich kid from a powerful family and maybe he’s actually hiding some epic skills so he can double as Akashi’s bodyguard if he needs to…? I DON’T KNOW, I HAVE WEIRD HEADCANONS.)

In any case, I enjoyed coming up with the characters for the Akashi family staff, even though it took a while! And I’m glad a few of them were able to play an interesting part in sneaking Akashi out of the house, so his dad wouldn’t find out about Furihata. (Though we don’t know what any of them think about that, or not yet, at least. XD) There will be at least one more member of the staff who gets an introduction, which should be coming soon. But for now, we’ve got:

Takeda, Akashi’s personal valet (and driver, sometimes)

Ginhara, the Akashi family butler and head of staff

Umagami Ichiro, Yukimaru’s groom

Inuyama, Akashi’s father’s personal valet

Hanamitsu Atsuko, housekeeper for the Akashi mansion in Tokyo

The Akashi family chef (name???)

(Plus some maids, who I also did not name)

… And as you can see, most of them still don’t have given names, even the ones with family names. That’s how disorganized I’ve been about this. //laughs

Also, I have a feeling no one was actually wondering (lol), but if you happen to remember this scene from Episode 63 in the Teikou arc in the anime:

In my headcanons, this guy is the head chauffeur for the Akashi family household, and he used to drive the whole family around. (Which would mean that he was also mentioned in The Fast Train to Kyoto, in a brief flashback about Akashi and his parents! Where he’s just “the driver.” XD) Now he mostly drives Akashi’s father to work, and sometimes chauffeurs Akashi as well, when he’s in Tokyo. (Whereas Takeda drives him around in Kyoto.) I briefly referred to him as Onoda in Chapter One of The Vanishing Prince, so… I guess that’s the name I came up with for him? //laughs

TL;DR… I’ve really enjoyed writing about the various characters who work for the Akashi family, and I had way more fun including them in the story than I expected. <3 (Maybe I should give in and post character sketches for all the OCs in this series sometime… That would be a project. XD)

Beliefs About Ghosts

I might go into this more in a future chapter, but I did want to briefly discuss how Reo talks to Furihata about ghosts, and how/why they haunt certain places… There are a LOT of different beliefs all over the world about whether ghosts are real, and why they appear. There are also lots of theories about whether they need the help of living humans to pass on or not.

For this fic, I tried to include some of the most common beliefs in Reo’s response, including the “revenge” ghost stories that are super common in Japanese folklore. But it’s not a comprehensive explanation by any means, and there are a lot of people who believe in ghosts and spirits but wouldn’t agree with the ideas Reo mentioned. (Basically, I had to pick among a bunch of different supernatural ideas about ghosts for the fic, and these are some of the ones I chose to include? But that’s not to say that they’re representative of my own beliefs, or of every Japanese person who believes in ghosts, either!)

The Akashi Family Curse (…?)

So I know some readers have been discussing this and making predictions about it in the comments for a while now… And while I don’t want to spoil anything about where the story is going, I’m really excited that I finally got to reveal another piece of the legend/rumors about the Akashi family curse:

Furihata’s mouth dropped open. It never occurred to him that some people might still think that the Akashis were cursed, centuries later. Or that these rumors were somehow connected to their catlike eyes. Was that maybe even how the peasants in the legend came up with the curse in the first place? Were they just creeped out, by this super-rare genetic thing that ran in the family?

Or… could it be true? Could the Akashi family really be cursed?

I can’t remember if anyone specifically connected the dots about the legend being connected to the “catlike” eyes or not… But if you saw this coming, YES YOU WERE TOTALLY RIGHT AND I AM IMPRESSED. <333

As for what the legend/rumors say about how the curse works, and whether or not it’s actually real… I guess I shouldn’t go into that just yet, for the sake of spoilers. XD But hopefully you can have fun guessing for now! And I’m glad I can finally point to the connection between the idea of a family curse and the “catlike eyes” to explain why I kept including so many passages like this one:

He and Akashi were walking through another long passageway. This one was lined with life-sized portraits—and oddly enough, Furihata recognized some of the faces. He had seen them in paintings in the Tokyo house.

“Are these your relatives?” he asked. They didn’t resemble Akashi very much. But a few did have the same unusual, catlike pupils.

Akashi nodded, as he glanced up at the huge frames. “They led the family, several generations ago. This one was my great-great-great-great-great grandfather.”

He gestured to the largest painting. The steel-haired man in the portrait wore a piercing frown. Even his posture was severe, somehow.

… Yeah, there are a BUNCH of descriptions in A Spark of Light of portraits of Akashi’s relatives, and how some of them have the same eyes as him. Also, as I’m sure a lot of people noticed, I mention Akashi’s eyes A LOT throughout the series. And this is one of the reasons why I wanted to emphasize it so much. XD

(Well, okay and also like a lot of fic writers, I enjoy pretty descriptions about eyes. XD BUT I WOULD’VE TRIED TO CUT MORE OF THEM IF IT WASN’T SUCH AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT… Or so I’ll claim, anyway. //laughs)

And Finally… THE VIOLIN

Ahhh I’m so happy I finally got to post this scene! I’ve been saving the moment of Akashi playing his violin for Furihata for a loooong time… I foreshadowed it briefly back in Storming the Castle, when Furihata notices Akashi’s violin case sitting in his study. But I got the idea for this scene even earlier… All the way back when I drafted that part in The Fast Train to Kyoto, where Akashi plays his violin after he writes to Furihata to tell him they can’t be friends. (YES. IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG.)

So, yeah… I had no idea know how long it would take to get there, but I definitely knew that Akashi would have to play his violin for Furihata at some point. And I wanted it to be a Really Big Moment in their romantic arc. So I did the best I could with it. (Because, I mean… How could I NOT include a scene where Akashi plays the violin for Furihata? That just had to happen, come on. //laughs)

As I mentioned over on Ao3, I do have my own idea about which piece Akashi plays for Furi… I might even mention it directly in the next chapter, but I’m not sure yet? (Either way, if you have a piece that you’d like to imagine him playing instead, you have my blessing. xD I tried to write it in such a way that he could be playing a lot of different songs!) So here was my thought process on that…

I figured Akashi would probably decide to play something on the simple side for Furihata, rather than anything too technical/demanding on the ear. I also realized that he was probably thinking that Furihata would like a sweet, romantic sort of song, because of this scene from Storming the Castle:

“Oh, r-right.” Furihata let go of the flower. He managed a laugh. “Sorry. I’m being weird, huh?”

“I just never realized you had such an interest in roses,” Akashi said, with a hint of humor. “But it shouldn’t surprise me, really.”

Furihata didn’t follow. “Why’s that?”

The edge of Akashi’s mouth dimpled. “Well, you are a romantic, after all.”

And that was when I realized… ROSES. Like, what if the piece had to do with roses, because Akashi was remembering that conversation about Furihata’s romantic side that they had in his rose garden…? So in my head, Akashi plays a version of The Last Rose of Summer, which is this really sweet, old Irish song that was later set to a poem of that name, written by Thomas Moore. It’s an easier piece to play, so it’s a little difficult to find a nice version of it by a professional violinist. But I did find this arrangement that is SUPER old-fashioned and adorable:

And my personal favorite version with strings that I found (and linked first on Ao3) is probably this one. Though I believe the violin doesn’t start until around a minute and a half into the recording?

(My sister and I thought the first soloist *might* be a viola… Apologies if we’re wrong though!! We took band a thousand years ago in high school but didn’t play in an orchestra, so we’re basically clueless about anything with strings. XD)

Anyway, I just thought that the song would be fitting because of the whole “bonding over roses” connection to Storming the Castle, and the fact that they’re still on summer vacation in this story… Plus the words of the poem are kind of the most Oreshi thing I’ve ever heard??? It’s REALLY sad, but also all about friendship. You can hear how it’s sung and see the complete lyrics in this version by Charlotte Church if you’d like (again, the song starts at around 1:30), but I’ll also include the beginning and end of the poem here:

Tis the last rose of summer,

Left blooming alone,

All her lovely companions

Are faded and gone.

…

So soon may I follow

When friendships decay;

And from love's shining circle

The gems drop away

When true hearts lie wither'd

And fond ones are flow'n

Oh! Who would inhabit

This bleak world alone?

… TELL ME THAT’S NOT AN ORESHI KIND OF POEM. It’s all about friendship and being afraid of being alone, and I just… gahhhh. T_____T

Also, you might have noticed that the versions I linked don’t have any parts where the soloist plucks the violin strings, which I described Akashi doing at one point… That’s because I like to think that in between playing a simpler version, Akashi also slips into a few sections of Variations on the Last Rose of Summer by Ernst, which you can see the violinist Midori playing here. (Unlike the other versions I linked, this is one of the hardest pieces ever written for violin, period… Apparently it’s so difficult that many top-tier professionals won’t even play it in front of a crowd! So for those of you who want to picture him playing something more badass, I’ve got you covered. XD)

(And while we’re still on the subject of different versions… My all-time favorite when it comes to different instruments playing The Last Rose of Summer has got to be this one. BECAUSE IT’S A KOTO, LIKE OMGGGG YES. Honestly, if my series had a sound, I’d like to think that it would be this…? Because roses and traditional Japanese instruments, that’s why. //laughs)

Also, I’m not sure whether anyone was curious about this part of the scene:

Akashi chuckled as he unlatched the case. Resting on a bed of crimson silk was a delicately carved violin. Furihata didn’t know how to tell if an instrument was well made, but he was pretty sure that this one had to be.

So I do indeed headcanon that Akashi would have a really nice violin… For those who might not know, violins can be EXTREMELY expensive, most notably at the professional and soloist quality levels. As in, the famous Stradivarius violins are valued at $10 million or MORE, for example. XD Though I personally tend to think that Akashi probably wouldn’t play a Strad himself… He’d have too much reverence for the instrument for that. //laughs (Although I wouldn’t be surprised if his family owns a Stradivarius and lends it out to some world-famous soloist… Which is apparently how it works in real life, by the way!) But I still imagine that his violin would be a super fancy one, maybe somewhere in the $100k range or something? (And now I’m just imagining Furihata finding that out and freaking out, lol.)

And last but not least, since I’m already rambling a lot, I would like to credit a new favorite YouTube channel of mine that I discovered while writing the violin scene… I really wanted to make sure that I described the violin playing correctly, because like I mentioned, I understand nothing about stringed instruments whatsoever. (I was a very mediocre flute player, once upon a time. //laughs)

So while I was hunting for references, I stumbled across TwoSet Violin, and OMG THEY ARE THE COOLEST CHANNEL EVER. I’d recommend them to literally everyone, even if you don’t play the violin or have any interest in classical music! They’re two professional violinists from Australia who make tons of super-entertaining content, like analyzing the way actors pretend to play instruments in movies and Chinese dramas, or trying to play the cheapest violin they can buy on Amazon. And it’s FANTASTIC. XD They’re super skilled and funny, and they even inspired me to listen to classical music again, so yeah, I can’t recommend them enough. <3

Well, this post turned out a lot longer than I expected…? //laughs In any case, I hope it was interesting, and thank you for reading! And as I said over on Ao3, thank you again to all of my lovely readers for your patience, especially while I dealt with my grandmother’s passing. I have the next chapter of the fic drafted, just like last time, but it does have some issues so I’m not sure how long it will take to edit. (Hopefully less time than this one did. OTL) I’ll definitely do my best to post it as soon as I can. In the meantime, I really hope everyone is staying safe, and see you then!

#the vanishing prince #kat writes fanfic #text post #long post #kat writes about basketball dorks #akafuri #good lord this post was loooooong #and the chapter was long #everything I write is long XD #but I'm so glad I got to FINALLY POST THIS #I can't even begin to express how long and painstaking the editing process was #BUT WE GOT THERE IT'S ALL GOOD #and I had a lot of fun writing a lot of these scenes #the adorable dorks continue to be adorable #Takeda and Ginhara also amused me this time for some reason #and the housekeeper #oh and Seirin was back YAY #I missed Bokushi though he wasn't in this one as much XD #also yay violins <3<3<3

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carriemaya · 4 years

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COMING HOME — Healing from Housing Instability

CW: Childhood sexual abuse, parentification, slibling abuse, religious abuse, and PTSD.

INTERGENERATIONAL FAMILY TRAUMA

I grew up with a lot of material privilege: a beautiful home on 2 acres of property, cable TV, ducted heating/cooling, always had food on the table, and went to a private Christian school (even if it was through a bursary programme). I even had singing and piano lessons (and went to performing arts school with Zachary Ruane from Aunty Donna — true story!).

But there was a maelstrom of abuse going on behind closed doors.

What my five siblings and I experienced varied from child to child; a combination of sexual, physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse — from parent to child and sibling to sibling over the course of many years. While the onus for violence, volatility, and religious fundamentalism was on my parents, they were also the facilitators of beautiful moments of genuine care and joy — a toxic dynamic born of traumatised adults who find themselves the parents of little children whose entire world they’re responsible for.

And because our nervous systems remember things that we would choose to forgive and forget, it laid the rocky foundation for the early onset of a plethora of complex mental health issues that I still experience today.

And while my parents weren’t all bad or all good (as is the case with most people), the culture they created or allowed, made way for fractured relationships between my siblings and me — and unfortunately these sibling relationships became the catalyst for my personal ongoing housing instability and a deeper, more chronic experience of psychological damage that years of therapy, self-help books, and spiritual healing sessions haven’t been able to heal.

My siblings were traumatised by the person I was growing up. I was parentified from a young age and stepped into the mother role. At around 10 years old, my parents forced me to physically discipline my siblings. But I had the head and heart of a child which meant that I wielded power with all the wisdom and responsibility of, well, a child.

It caused lots of damage because I was the scary one in their eyes (not my parents) which set me up to be alienated from my siblings pretty much from the get go. I could be awful to them. But I also loved them and simultaneously felt responsible for protecting them against my parents. I look back at the moments born of these confusing dynamics and I can pinpoint them as the place in my life where my personality started to fragment.

When it came to trying to protect myself, my siblings, or to reason with my parents, I yelled. A lot. My voice was the only weapon I had to use against their size, age, fellow adult allies, and economic power.

I thought that by yelling I could get through to them — to help them wake them up and see how much their kids were suffering because of their behaviour. I didn’t learn until I was an adult that my brothers and sisters resented me for this as they wished I had just been quiet. The toxic culture in my family was normalised and my railing against it was seen as the cause of our household drama.

I was Crazy Carrie. The mentally ill one who yells a lot.

While experiencing abuse from my parents, I also abused my siblings.Thankfully, they weren’t subjected to the same kind of treatment I received from my parents as the eldest child. But unfortunately because of that, it meant they weren’t privy to the ways I was being tormented behind the scenes into becoming the kind of child I was. They remember me as an abuser. And why wouldn’t they? And as an adult with space and time between us, I can also accept that their feelings and opinions about me are valid.

But the thing that breaks my heart is that they don’t seem to remember the good things I tried to do for our family — or sacrifices I made. Like when I dropped out of high school in my final year to cook, clean, and be their emotional support because my father forced my mum to go work outside of the home full time. It was my dream to be the first person in our family to finish high school. B that honour went to my brother. I’m proud of him and glad he got to do it. Yet at the same time, it feels as though the things I tried to do right count for nothing.

And I guess that’s the complex nature of intergenerational family trauma.

Everyone’s a victim and no one comes out unscathed.

THE BEGINNING OF HOUSING INSECURITY

When I was 18, my father was eventually removed by The Department of Human Services.

And we turned to a church for hope and support. We were then exploited and abused for 6 years. You can listen to that story in full detail here.

[TLDL version: inappropriate touching of me and my siblings by church leadership, encircled by a group of church members in a prayer meeting and forced to take communion while crying and choking on breadsticks and cranberry juice, the pastor putting wedges in between children and their parents so she could be their mother).

My siblings and I had explosive relationships before going to the church. But after what we experienced at the hands of our former pastor, the dysfunction and dissension multiplied 50xfold. They became toxic and so did I. Our home, post-church, became a cocktail of trauma, brainwashing, and siblings hurting siblings.

Upon leaving that church, I became aware of how toxic I had been in so many ways. I started apologising to everyone in my family as soon as I became conscious of it. I still wanted to hold onto my faith and I wanted to process what we’d been through so that we could heal.

Unfortunately, the siblings I have had the most conflict with over the years — and I — had such deeply opposing perceptions about our behaviour toward each other.We all have contrasting feelings about who should be taking responsibility for what. Or what had transpired between us over the years and what hadn’t.

They told me that I was selfish for wanting to talk about what happened and that if I truly wanted to move on, I would just do it. I felt constantly shut down and dismissed by them — just as I had with my parents growing up when all I wanted to do was to connect by bringing things out in the open for two-way, exploratory conversation.

In conjunction with this, because of how much shame and self-hatred I had for the way I had been growing up (and who I’d become at church), I believed that even if I felt hurt by their behaviour now, that I should allow them to treat me however they want because maybe that’s what they need to do to heal.

But no matter how much I apologised or tried to change, it felt that they were committed to misunderstanding me because they wanted me to hurt as much as I’d hurt them. Which I understand because their pain and trauma needs a voice. And because I was the cause of so much of it, their frustration and anger landed squarely back on to me.

I guess they just didn’t realise how much I had been hurting, too.

This eventually led to me going into fawning mode. And I was eventually forced to leave home because of the bullying that I experienced at their hands. I felt really betrayed by my mum who allowed certain things to happen without standing up for me, a feeling which triggered painful emotions associated with the way she singled me out for abuse as a child.

When I finally left home, I told her that I wanted nothing more to do with her. And that if she ever wanted a relationship with me again she’d have to earn it.

Note: I’m sure you understand that I can’t share everything about my family in detail. This blog entry is actually a redraft of a much longer, much more explicit, piece that explains all the awful things I did to my siblings and all the awful things they’ve done to me. We’re all adults now. And at this stage we’ve all traumatised each other. It’s unfair. And it sucks for every single person involved.

When you are driven out of your housing by personal circumstances or through danger to your person, it’s a complete upheaval. Personally it was utterly jarring when my family situation led to me needing to leave before I was ready. Especially when it was catlysed by the dismissal of me and my survival needs in preference for another sibling who was causing literal damage to our house (among other things).

Once I’d moved out, I crashed. A sort of emotional paralysis took over.

And I’ve carried that paralysis and accompanying dissociation with me for the last 7 years. Every move bringing it to the surface and causing me to plummet into the self-hatred and fear associated with being driven out of my home in the first place.

Anyone who’s rented knows that good housing situations are the luck of the draw.

Throughout all the moves I’ve made in the last decade, some have been a dream: like Jake and Beth who were fellow live-in mentors to an at-risk young person for the Vista Lead Tenant Program where we had beautiful chats about faith, doubt, politics, and played Jackbox TV games. Like the international sharehouse where I learnt Farsi from Reza and Shohra — an Iranian immigrant couple who didn’t even have a mattress to sleep on but would invite me to eat almonds on the blanket they had laid out on their bedroom floor.

The majority of them, though, have been utter nightmares.

Like the one where I was being stalked by a neighbour in the unit behind mine. When I told her to back off, she retaliated by making a false report to the police — saying that she was fearful for the lives of her fiance, her pets, and herself. I was taken to court and the mediator saw through her straight away. Thankfully, he was incredible and encouraged me to file for a cross-order/ intervention order so that she didn’t just have one against me. Which would give me some measure of protection against her if she wanted to start making trouble for me. I agreed. That SAME day, she breached it and came right up to my bedroom window and started looking around my unit.

Another time, I moved in with a man whose Gumtree ad I responded to out of desperation for a place to stay. Then after a week, he told me that I wasn’t allowed to file for rental assistance from Centrelink because it would cut into his welfare benefits. I agreed because I needed a roof over my head. And it also didn’t take long to learn that he was an alcoholic who stayed up all night listening to the radio up to 11 and I found myself unable to sleep.

And finally, the nightmare of my most recent living situation up until two months ago. I lived next door to two meth addicts. Let’s call them Tarzan and Jane.

They were good enough neigbours until COVID-19 hit. I think it’s because they used to party at other peoples’ places before restrictions were implemented but couldn’t anymore.

The drugs, the psychosis, the cackling-witchy ramblings of Jane, and waking up to her yelling in the street early morning after early morning

One time, they had a 17-hour bender.

He groaned in this deep, demonic sounding voice for 40 minutes. She began to tell herself a story. At 4am, Tarzan stood at my bedroom wall shouting, “Fuck off, poofter” for 15 minutes. I dragged my mattress into the lounge and closed the door while they continued to party hard to loud music for a further 7 hours.

I spent most of 2020 sleeping in my living room because I was so scared. It triggered PTSD episodes for me on a daily basis.

Then Jane passed away from an overdose.

The woman from across the street (we’ll call her Julie), started coming over to visit Tarzan all the time. He started putting up a fence without permission from the landlord. I felt like reporting him at first, but decided to leave it alone.

And one of these days that she came over to visit Tarzan, I hear Julie start yelling about me through the wall. It wasn’t just about her being a bitch. She was another loud, rude, scary person disturbing my right to a peaceful home and I decided enough was enough.

I decided to confront them.

I grabbed my phone because I knew that if they reacted badly without video evidence of their actions towards me, nothing could be enforced by the authorities.

I’m glad I thought that far ahead because Julie physically assaulted me, snatched my phone away, and then smashed it on the ground. It turned out Tarzan had received a breach of lease notification from the real estate agency for the unapproved fence and thought I had reported him.

Because the attack was caught on camera, when the police arrived and saw the footage and damages, they arrested her and charged her with unlawful assault.there anymore. But that was it. I couldn’t stay there anymore.

The physical attack by my neighbor was just the beginning of a series of injuries that would also take their toll on my well being.

At the end of October last year, just after the assault, my friend Tash graciously offered her home to me while she and her husband lived in Melbourne short-term for his cancer treatment. In exchange for looking after her cats, I received rent-free, bill-free accommodation while I looked for a new place.

I needed a safe place to recover and roll out the first session of my online coaching programme Mother Mary Speaks, so I promptly moved into Tash’s and was able to run my first session.

One week passes, I’m working at my desk, and I get up to move around a bit because my legs have fallen asleep — my ankle crushes beneath me. I rolled it and couldn’t get up.

I ended up in hospital with ligament damage.

So there I was, living in interim housing, $300 in my savings, a cat in tow, unsure of how I’m going to afford a new place and whether I’ll be accepted by a real estate agency even if I can (because I am self-employed and don’t yet have a livable wage/ am still receiving Centrelink benefits). And now I can’t walk. Oh, and I’m running a 6-week programme where people need me to hold space for them.

And each day I’m without a home, I’m cripped more and more by PTSD associated with housing and family.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONSTANTLY MOVING FOR 7 YEARS

Moving is expensive.

Like really expensive.

Transporting furniture and possessions is really pricey if you hire a professional. And honestly I’ve never been able to afford it. Which has also been really hard as someone who doesn’t drive due to having seizures since she was in her teens.

The stress of having to coordinate help when your former pastor made you believe that anything you express needing help with makes you a selfish taker of resources — someone who is unworthy of their faith for not putting it in God’s hands only. The anxiety and shame from those past conversations and beliefs about myself are almost unbearable at times.

Then there’s the cost of bond and first month’s rent. And all the utility connection costs that can really add up depending on how old a property is or what kinds of outlets and wiring a place has installed.

During the last 7 years, I managed to support myself financially for nearly 2 whole years with a livable wage. Because the work was flexible and online, it meant that I could work around the PTSD episodes and manage the effects of my Borderline Personality Disorder (like chronic self-harm urges, sui* ideation, and anxiety/ depression). More recently in 2019, I was casually unemployed for about 5 months and then COVID-19 hit and the work fell through.

I have been building a business using my life experience, professional experience, spiritual gifts, and a combination of small wages and welfare payments.

So one doesn’t have much savings or proof of income in these situations. I’ve had to borrow money more times than I can count to make sure I have a roof over my head. And I’m one of the lucky ones who has someone to help me in these situations.

Then there’s the deep-seated uncertainty that comes with constant unwanted relocations. Each move has felt like a deeper, harder blow to the foundations of my stability.

I’ve tried everything to ground myself and make myself feel safe over the years — and thankfully I’ve found many tools to make life more bearable.

And while I’m able to cognitively understand that renting is the reality for so many of us (and that in this day and age, home ownership is a privilege that fewer and fewer people are able to afford), my body and all my emotions have been ever filled with anxious anticipation that life is just about to be pulled out from under me.

The same question arises with each new property, “ What if this was how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? And what if it’s going to continue happening in really dramatic ways like being assaulted or taken to court? What if my life is a never-ending cycle of mental illness, trauma, and housing crisis? Will I ever get a chance at stability? A chance to build something sustainable beyond survival?”

THE END OF HOUSING INSTABILITY

Years ago, when mum began making amends for the ways in which she didn’t come through for me when my siblings bullied me out of home, she apologised to me as much as was humanly possible.

And while the journey toward reconciliation was far from smooth sailing, each year has seen our relationship blossom and grow. She has spent the last 7 years since earning my trust back. She hasn’t just said sorry. She’s made recompense where possible.

She has helped me with transport, paying rent, bills, bonds, moving costs, and has been an incredible rock of strength when I’m experiencing extreme mental illness symptoms. No one understands me or holds space for me with the love and strength that my mama does.

I’m open with her about the fact that I’m writing this article. I’m a writer, I need speak my truth. And the cost-benefit analysis of sharing the story of our healed relationship comes out as a choice with lots of benefits. I also want to say that I don’t just forgive her. I adore her. She is actually my most favourite person in the world and I can’t imagine my life without her. She even told me last year that she has left her house to me in her will because she wants to make sure I’m taken care of when she’s gone.

I’ve come to learn the ways in which her life was shaped by family trauma and abuse. And how that flowed down into our family unit.

She’s had her world destroyed over and over again. And I couldn’t see that when I was younger because all I could think about was that I needed her — in the ways a young child needs their parent.

But as I’ve grown older, I look at her with so much gratitude and compassion.

Because being an adult is hard. And life is mostly hard. And being an adult, with trauma, when you have children must feel insurmountable. Yet she never gives up. She never stops. She keeps coming back to our relationship to be the mum I need.

And this is exactly what she did when I got ligament damage at Tash’s house.

She moved in with me and took care of me every day for two months. While also working during the day from the office (because of COVID-19). It’s been a beautiful time of bonding.

During this time, though, she’s watched me struggle immensely. Because of inaccessible housing opportunity after inaccessible housing opportunity. The houses that are affordable are high-risk for dangerous neighbours and my mental health couldn’t handle another attack. And even they are so expensive that I couldn’t rent them.

Then on top of this, the rental market in Gippsland isn’t what it used to be. People from Melbourne have fled here in droves to escape catching COVID-19. bUT Their relocating and renting out all the properties with their big city incomes means that there’s hardly anything here for the locals who fall within the lower socio-economic bracket.

Time to leave Tash’s home was coming to an end and I had nowhere to turn. I ultimately secured the last affordable caravan in Gippsland and was going to live on mum’s front lawn. But then one day, about two weeks ago, she comes back to Tash’s after being out for the night and says she has some news.

She tells me that she is giving me her house.

Yeah.

Not the house I lived in with her and my siblings 7 years ago. She’s since moved into a home that I’ve never lived in.

She’s been in Gippsland for over 30 years. She’s originally from Melbourne way, and she’d like to do a bit of a homecoming of her own. Because she loves all six of her children and can’t fix all our divided relationships, outside of her working hours, she wants to be a wandering mama.

She’s decided to keep one room in her house for when she lives with me, and then she’ll be renting a place with one of my sisters who has been needing to move to Melbourne for her job (as commuting so far was exhausting her). And I get to start decorating it exactly how I’d like as though I already own it.

It’s going to be my forever home. From now until I inherit it (which will hopefully not be for decades to come). And then from when I inherit it until I decide to sell it (or not).

I’m a little shocked. The symbolism of this beautiful, full-circle and healing gesture is not lost of me.

Thankfully my siblings are pretty high-functioning people who have material stability and are building the lives they want. And I’m really glad for them. Even if I don’t have relationships with most of them. I want to see them grow and prosper. And receiving this generous gift from my mum is her way of taking care of me and ensuring I keep growing and prospering, too.

It’s the proof I didn’t know I needed that I am as loved as my siblings.

HOUSING PRIVILEGE

Some of us choose the nomadic life.

Some of us buy or build our own homes.

Some of us are living from rental to rental knowing that we’ll never be able to break the cycle.

And even worse still are those of us who end up on the streets because they can’t afford any of the above.

I can’t speak for everyone, but experiencing both homelessness and unrelenting housing instability drove me to the brink of madness. That’s not an expression. I mean, as much as I’ve healed myself in so many ways over the years, I was starting to lose my mind after living through these consecutive housing traumas.

I don’t care what anyone says: people don’t need to just learn how to make their bodies their homes and learn to make themselves feel safe. That’s New Age bullshit. The reality is that just like children need shelter and stability from their parents when they’re growing up. All people need shelter and housing security that isn’t going to be taken from them. They need to know they are loved and safe, and having a home helps ensure that. There are only so many grounding techniques, meditations, and reframes that one can do before the instability of housing insecurity hits sends you spiraling mentally

Coping every now and then isn’t flourishing.

Never having a solid, unmoving homebase to trust in so that a person can build their life financially and relationally is common but not normal. Or healthy. Or okay.

I’m 32 now and I work hard on my mental health. I have taken radical self-responsibility for my life and the direction it’s going.

But no matter how hard I work or try, I can’t hustle my way out of complex mental health issues that affect my ability to work in a mainstream job (and thusly earn the money that I need to live a comfortable life). I’ll never stop trying to build a degree of wealth that can help me make ends meet. But I will NEVER AGAIN shame myself for not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and climb my way up the socio-economic ladder.

The capitalist narrative that we live in a meritocracy where all you have to do is work hard and you can get everything you want is a lie.

The capacity to work varies from person to person. And this isn’t just in relation to physical disability but disabling mental health experiences.

I’ve struggled for 7 year up until yesterday, and all of a sudden I’m someone with housing privilege. I didn’t earn this home. It was a gift from my mum.

But don’t I deserve it? Doesn’t everyone deserve this?

I say a hearty yes.

And yet, it feels bizarre because I don’t know myself as a person who isn’t struggling to survive.

I know it’s going to require a LOT of unpacking. My identity needs to evolve so that I can adapt to this move.

WHAT NOW?

My body still holds a lot of fear around what some of my family can do to me. And moving into this home feels a little bit scary because of it. I asked my mum if she’d agreed to signing a written agreement with me. Something to support my right to be in this home if toxic sibling relationships bleed over into my housing situation again. She is the best. I can’t celebrate her enough for going the extra mile here to prove that she loves me and wants what is best for me.

Because of the familiar instability story, I’m feeling scared to trust that I have a home or won’t be driven out of this house, too.

But I’m choosing to put faith in my mum now. And in the 50% possibility that this situation can work out really, really well.

I get to return “home” and give myself the parenting I never had.

And I’m devoting 2021 to figuring out what this means. Integrating it and working through the painful associations with it.

Fulfilling little dreams like: the joy of being allowed to put pictures up on the wall, creating Pinterest boards for each of the rooms in my new home, watching Workaholics with the sibling I still have a relationship with, and feeling peace because I know my cat can call it his forever home, too.

Adapting to the fulfilment of bigger dreams like: freedom from landlords and real estate agents, and knowing that I can finally put down roots.

Where the repeated upheaval of my life was a constant trigger related to feeling unloved by my siblings and mother, it’s being replaced with a home that represents my mum’s love for me; a testament to relationships that are worth fighting for, parents who are people with their own stories and need a chance to be seen in their humanity, and children who never stop needing to know that they are loved.

Follow me on Instagram: @heycarriemaya

#home #homeless #homelessness #ptsd #mentalillness #mentalhealth #toxicfamily

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xerantic · 5 years

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Shigaraki’s Perceptions - Ch. 236

I find the psychological implications of this chapter very interesting, and it makes me sad that most people probably won’t fully grasp its complexity. First of all is the fact that we’ve got an unreliable/biased narrator, considering he’s been manipulated into leaning toward some very twisted conclusions about himself and his experiences, and he’s never gotten therapy to clarify the the events that led to his current state of being (not to mention he just fully remembered these things for the first time in fifteen years right now).

When it comes to a traumatic event, especially one in which a person has any level of agency, no matter how small, it can be easy for the person to blame or vilify themselves for what happened. “I think I realized what was going on at some point in the middle; I wasn’t innocent.” “I hated them for letting me down, so I probably wanted this.” “I killed my father on purpose, and it felt really good.” This can either lead to a ton of guilt or to acceptance and embracing of the notion that one is a bad person. The latter can feel deceptively freeing, considering crushing self-hatred is the other option. But that doesn’t mean either are the truth.

The truth is that Tenko harbored hurt and resentment toward both his abuser and his family that failed to help him, who seemed to take his father’s side. That resentment gradually turned into hatred and bubbling rage, as it felt things just kept getting worse or more intolerable. He felt trapped in a world of abuse and denial. Then his quirk manifested, possibly fueled by his overflowing negative emotions.

His dog fell apart into chunks, and he was stricken mute by the shock and horror. He had no idea what was going on, thought he was being attacked by some villain. He reached out to his big sister for help, to be saved for once, but (understandably) she freaked out and tried to run. He tried to grab her, not wanting to be abandoned again, and she fell to pieces, too. At that point, he might have started to suspect it was him causing this, but who can think calmly and rationally in a situation like this--as a five-year-old?

And who could have expected his quirk would split the earth and destroy his mother and grandparents from afar, as he was reaching out for his mother’s embrace? He was mad at them, but he also still needed love, still wanted support and saving; there are very mixed feelings in having a family both who you are quite close to and who has let you down. So recognizing that anger, analyzing the event 15 years after the fact, he figures he must have wanted to destroy them all, deep down.

Then his father appears. Tenko clearly feels incredible guilt realizing he was the cause of this, and he’s probably afraid of his father’s reaction. He apologizes in a sobbing panic. His father, seeing the extreme danger his son poses and the fact that this child has just murdered the entire rest of his family, acts on adrenaline. Grabs a gardening tool and tries to knock his son unconscious. Nurturing and loving? Not at all. Practical? Possibly. He’s clearly not trying to punish or damage his son for no reason; he’s yelling at him to stop. It’s a panicked moment, not a revenge moment, it seems. If he knocks the kid out, his quirk might stop, and he can address the situation with whatever is needed in a less immediately deadly environment. Argue there might have been better ways, and he might have been (understandably) upset, but you try making a panicked, emotional decision in split second, facing your death along with your family.

But obviously, his son isn’t seeing from that perspective. Tenko sees his father yelling at him, beating him in the face with garden shears, and reaching for him with the hand that hits him. In an adrenaline-fueled response of rage and self-defense (from his father for all times, not just this moment; he’s not taking the abuse anymore), he reaches out to intentionally kill his abuser. And feels amazing finally having the power to get rid of the person who’s tormented his life the most. It’s a rush. So after that intense stress buildup and mind-breaking trauma, he laughs, unhinged, at the relief of pressure, decides, for that moment of euphoria, that he’s glad all this happened. That decision made in an unstable state of mind sticks in his head for fifteen years. That if he felt good about it at that point, that makes him 100% responsible, guilty, naturally evil.

Even if him previously wishing for his family to die or vanish as a child were even remotely true to some generic, un-detailed level...this did not begin intentionally. And the realization came gradually, with much panic and confusion. Most importantly, the impulse control area of the brain of a five-year-old is highly underdeveloped. They can be literally incapable of stopping themselves from acting on an urge. Furthermore, a five-year-old is not capable of fully rationalizing the heavy consequences of their actions on their future (nor are they yet able to grasp the entirety of life, death, murder, or morality to their full extent), especially in a moment of incredible trauma and stress. The problem is, a 20-year-old will look back on the event with a 20-year-old brain and figure, “I consciously went with it, so I must have wanted it.”

Put that sentence in any trauma victim’s mouth, and you know they need therapy (any trauma victim needs therapy, but I’m just saying). This wasn’t some permanent, cathartic relief, wasn’t his fulfilling raison d’etre. It obviously wasn’t great for him, wasn’t what he wanted, because he was sobbing the whole time, hardly able to speak from the shock and terror. It was so horrific to him that he ran away afterwards, completely repressed the memories from his consciousness, and lived as a “hollow shell” until All for One took him in. When he was told what he had done, he immediately had a panic attack, got physically sick from the flashes of vague memory, and started sobbing, holding the remains of his family close in shock.

This is trauma, not fulfillment. But instead of helping Tenko heal, getting him therapy, All for One took that trauma, that confusion and questioning, and intentionally made it stick, ingrained it into Shigaraki as something to hold onto no matter what, a permanent part of himself. “Yes, you wanted this to happen, you killed them on purpose, you were happy about it, you are twisted; this is who you are.”

And this is why Shigaraki thinks this is his villain origin story. Because he thought he must be bad for what happened, and All for One, the one person who still seemed to support him, claimed that distressed child’s self-condemnation was his personal truth.

#Shigaraki Tomura #Shigaraki #Shimura Tenko #BNHA manga #BNHA 236 #Shimura Kotaro #All for One #meta #long post #I'm sure I should have added more pictures but dammit I have an hour to shower before company arrives

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naruwitch · 5 years

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Code Geass: Paladins of Voltron Chapter 27: Geass vs Geass

Lelouch stood up slowly as Zen landed gently in her hanger. Their mission was successful. Nunnally was safe and sound in his arms and far away from the Royal Family own below on Earth.

"Where are we going, Lelouch?" Nunnally asked as he and Sayoko exited the Black Lion.

"Don't worry, Nunnally," Lelouch smiled, "we're going to see our friends."

Nunnally smiled, but it was a sad smile, "I'm sorry, brother, for being such a burden all the time."

Lelouch stopped and clutched Nunnally closer, "Nunnally, you are never a burden. Never have been, never will be. Okay?"

Nunnally didn't say anything, but she did burrow her head deeper into her brother's chest.

Fortunately, the medical bay was practically right underneath the Lions' hangers (which made sense in case someone needed medical attention quickly), so it took about a two-minute walk for the trio to get there. As Lelouch entered the bay, he was greeted by the other Paladins, as well as Allura, Coran, C.C., and Kaguya.

Something else was also there, which made him stop short.

There was already a cryopod raised behind the group, and inside of it was Villeta Nu. Why was she here? Lelouch highly doubted it was because she wanted to join them. But he shook his head, he'd ask about her presence once Nunnally was taken care of.

"Nunnally! You're okay!" Suzaku was the first to speak as he and the other Paladins rushed over.

Nunnally's head perked up when she heard Suzaku's voice and eagerly held her hand out, which he took and held.

"I'm glad you're okay too, Suzaku!"

"We're here too, Nunna!" Milly exclaimed with a grin.

"Hi, Milly," Nunnally greeted. Everyone in the student council took turns, welcoming the young princess, who was smiling and crying tears of happiness.

"Hey, Nunnally! Remember me?" Kaguya finally came up after the student council parted. Nunnally frowned in confusion, not recognizing Kaguya's voice at first, but once the young girl grasped her hand, her face lit up again.

"Kaguya? Is that you?"

"Yep! It's so good to see you again!"

Allura smiled at the scene. Now that she saw Nunnally with her own eyes, she understood why Lelouch spoke so highly of her. This was a girl that had gone through severe traumas from a young age, and yet she still had the strength to smile through it all. She simply prayed that the cryopods would be enough to take a least some of those traumas away.

"Nunnally, there's a couple of other friends I'd like to meet, is that okay?" Lelouch asked.

"Who is it?" Nunnally asked curiously.

Lelouch gestured for the Alteans to approach, and they both did.

"Hello, Nunnally, my name is Allura," she introduced herself. Nunnally cautiously reached out and lightly touched Allura's face. Lelouch had explained previously that this was how humans, without their sight, were able to 'see' people, or at least imagine what they looked like. Plus, since one of the five senses had been eliminated, the other four were heightened to compensate for this. So Nunnally was usually able to hear or feel things that other people normally couldn't. He had added with a wry smile that it was due to this that she was tough to lie to, especially if Nunnally had some sort of physical contact with you. She was simply able to feel the shift in heartbeat or the slight sweat of their palm, as those were common signs that one was lying.

It was a practice that intrigued Allura and Coran. Thanks to the technology and magic on Altea, it was sporadic for an Altean to be born blind, and if their sight was damaged in an accident, the doctors were usually able to repair them in some way.

Nunnally's curious expression soon shifted into a small smile, "Hi, Allura. You're beautiful."

Allura blushed, "Oh, why thank you."

As Allura backed up, Coran approached, "Pleasure to finally meet you, Nunnally. I'm Coran."

Nunnally felt along Coran's face and stop at his mustache, curiously inspecting it. She then giggled, "Wow, your mustache is big."

This caused a round of giggles from the rest of the group, including Allura. Coran didn't seem to be offended, though, as he straightened and proudly twirled his mustache.

"I'm quite fond of my mustache myself. Why the art of grooming a fine mustache has been passed down my family line for several generations now."

Nunnally giggled at Coran's silly comment as Lelouch smiled. He was glad that Nunnally was getting along so well with the Alteans so far.

"Anyway, Nunnally, I know I promised to tell you what's been going on, but I actually have a surprise for you first," Lelouch said.

"Really? What is it?"

"Well, Nunnally, we may have found a way for you to get your eyes and legs back."

Nunnally was stunned as she processed this information. "Like a surgery?"

"Not quite," Rivalz said with a shrug, "but it'll be something like that."

"You don't have to worry, Nunnally," Lelouch reassured her. "You're just going to take a nap for a while, and by the time you wake up, you should be fully recovered."

Coran had already made his way to the cryopod control panel, and a second pod rose up and shifted to a horizontal position so Nunnally could lie down.

"Ready when you are Lelouch," Coran reported with a nod.

Lelouch slowly approached the pod and gently set Nunnally down in it. Before he pulled away, though, Nunnally grasped his hand.

"Wait, what if you're not here when I wake up?" Nunnally asked in a trembling tone.

Lelouch smiled sadly, and he squeezed his sister's hand back, "I'm never leaving you again, Nunnally. I promise."

Nunnally still held Lelouch's hand, and for a moment, the Paladin feared he would need to remove her hand from his. However, a moment later, Nunnally sighed and let her hand slide out of her brother's.

"I'll see you again soon, Nunnally," Lelouch reassured, just as the pod closed. Nunnally's face relaxed as the healing process began to start, the pod shifting back into its upright state.

Lelouch finally let out a sigh of relief and nearly fell over if Rai and Suzaku hadn't rushed forward to catch him.

"Woah there, Lelouch, you okay?" the Green Paladin asked.

"Yeah," Lelouch nodded before regaining his footing, "I'm relieved, actually. That everything worked out."

"Yeah, no kidding! So much has happened over the past couple of days I'm having a hard time keeping up with it all!" Rivalz said, waving his hands around a little.

"Tell me about it!" Shirley agreed, massaging her forehead.

Lelouch smirked a little at his friend's dramatics before he turned to Coran. "So how long do think Nunnally will be in here?"

The advisor hummed as he examined Nunnally's health charts, "It's hard to say at the moment. Her legs are one thing. Despite there being no physical nerve damage, plus the fact they haven't been used for several years, your sister's leg muscles are going to need to be built back up again. So even after the pod fixes the damage, she'll still have to go through some therapy to walk again."

"Wait, are you saying that the pod can't fix her legs?!" Milly asked, sounding shocked.

"Oh, no, no, no! They will most definitely repair the damage done there," Coran assured them, "but it would be advisable to use therapy afterward to help her adjust. Actually, my main concern right now is her eyes."

"What do you mean?" Suzaku asked, noticing the flicker of doubt on Coran's face.

"Well, from what the cryo-pods are picking up, Nunnally's eyes haven't suffered any physical damage. As you mentioned before, Lelouch, your sister's blindness is caused by trauma, meaning that this is a psychological injury rather than bodily."

"So, what you're trying to say is… is that you can guarantee that she'll walk again," Kallen said carefully, "but you're not a hundred percent sure she'll be able to see again?"

"Injuries like this are always a hit or a miss for the pods, even after being used and perfected for generations," Coran explained. "My best guess as to whether her sight will be restored is about sixty-forty."

Lelouch's face shifted to one of disappointment upon hearing those odds. Though they weren't the worse ones he'd heard, they weren't the best either. He would've felt more comfortable if the odds were around the seventies at the very least. But, there was, unfortunately, not much he could do right now.

Lelouch jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning, he saw Allura standing by him with a determined expression on her face. "Lelouch, Nunnally will be safe here on the Castle. And even if the pods can't fix her vision, I promise, I'll do everything I can to make sure she will someday."

"Yeah! Don't worry, we'll take care of her, Lelouch!" Shirley said, raising a determined fist.

"We stick together! That's the price of friendship!" Milly proclaimed.

The other Paladins and Kaguya all voiced their support as well, and Lelouch felt himself relax. He was glad that he had their help in all of this. At this point, he had no idea what he would've done without any of them.

"Thanks, everyone," he said with a smile. He then finally decided to address the elephant in the room as he looked back towards the cryo-pods. "So, does anyone want to tell me why a Britannian Pureblood is currently occupying the pod over there."

An awkward silence followed before broke it with a sigh, "Shirley and I ran into her on the Avalon. She attacked us and managed to knock Shirley's helmet off. I was ready to kill her when that happened, but after I incapacitated her, Shirley insisted we bring back to the ship instead."

"We-well, I-I mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time," Shirley stuttered, "I-I figured if we kept her alive and brought her to the Castle, Lulu's Geass could make her tell us information about what Britannia's up to? I-I mean, I figured even if she wasn't high-ranking, she might know at least a couple of things, you know…?"

As Shirley babbled through her explanation, Lelouch inwardly flinched. Shirley had the right idea of taking a soldier prisoner. Under different circumstances, this indeed would be very beneficial to the Paladins. There was one small problem, though.

"Shirley, I personally think that what you did was strategically brilliant," Lelouch commented, causing the Orange Paladin to blush. "Since Ms. Nu was present on the escort ship, she likely does know some of the things that my brother has planned… Unfortunately, I can't use Geass on her. Not a second time anyway."

"A second- Wait, you mean you've used on her once already?" Suzaku asked, with similar expressions of surprise replicated on the other Paladins.

"Yeah, all the way back in Shinjuku actually," Lelouch nodded, "She was one of the first people I used it on. I asked her for her Sutherland."

Kallen's mouth formed an 'o' in realization. So that's how he got a hold of it. She should have known.

"Oh," Shirley sighed, bowing her head in guilt, "I guess it was a bad idea after all."

"You don't need to apologize, Shirley," Lelouch reassured her, "you didn't know. Plus, the odds of running into the same soldier again are extremely low anyway. Just call this bad luck. Besides, your original intentions were still sound, so good job."

Shirley nodded meekly, blushing from the praise.

"Okay, but there's still the question of what we do with her then," Rivalz observed, "We can't let her go, especially if she saw Shirley, right? But if Lelouch can't use Geass on her…"

"Coran, Princess, this Castle wouldn't happen to have a dungeon, would it?" Kallen asked.

"Yes, it does," Coran nodded. "It's located in the lower levels of the ship."

"Alright, once she's healed, we'll just chuck Villetta down there," Kallen suggested and then cracked her knuckles, "Then we can just start interrogating her the old-fashioned way. Should be a good stress reliever."

Most of the Paladins took an involuntary step back from Kallen, though C.C. looked more amused than disturbed.

"Um… Kallen, don't you think you sound a little bit vindictive?" Suzaku asked.

"Well, Suzaku, considering this woman took part in the Shinjuku massacre and doesn't seem have much remorse doing so, I think I have a right to be just a little vindictive," Kallen shot back.

"Anyway, now that we've got that figured out, what's our next move, Lulu?" Milly asked, changing the subject.

"Our next move? The best thing to do right now would be to lay low," Lelouch said, "Considering we just 'abducted' a Britannian Princess, the military will be trying to track us like bloodhounds. The wisest thing would be to wait for some of the dust to settle before we do anything significant again."

"I agree," Sayoko nodded, "Not to mention that Lady Nunnally was 'abducted' while under the care of Schneizel el Britannia, a man that's considered one of the greatest military minds on Earth. The Empire will be in an uproar for at least several days."

"That's also true," Lelouch acknowledged, but no one missed the cocky smirk that graced his lips for a split second. No doubt, he was proud of the fact that he actually bested the man he could never beat at chess. "Perhaps what we can start doing is work with Kyoto to finally have some Knightmares brought up to the Castle so we can start modifying and upgrading them. Does that sound feasible, Kaguya?"

"I think that's doable, yes," Kaguya nodded.

"Alright," Lelouch nodded before turning to the rest of the team, "in the meantime, the last few days have been exhausting, so just take a day or two to relax. I think we've all earned that at the very least."

Murmurs of agreement echoed amongst the group as everyone started filing out of the room. Rivalz even gave a big yawn to emphasize.

Lelouch was the last to exit. But before he did so, he turned back to the pod containing his sister.

"I'm never leaving you again. Never…"

o~o

Cornelia li Britannia was livid.

One didn't even need to look at the princess to know that she was practically seething. The tension in the room was so thick that one could almost cut it with a knife.

Just yesterday, she and the rest of the Britannian military had to be fished from the ocean after they were bested again by the Voltron Lions. And what was worse, they had been successful in kidnapping Nunnally.

No one in the room dared to speak up as they didn't want to accidentally send the Viceroy into a rage. Several knights, including Darlton, Guilford, and Nonette, were present, as well as Euphemia. The younger Sub-Viceroy looked distraught. They still knew so little about the Black Knights, much less about Voltron. At the moment, she could only pray that Nunnally was at least safe for now.

Schneizel was also there, stone-faced as he waited patiently for Cornelia to begin speaking.

"Schneizel," Cornelia said calmly, but everyone could tell she was using all her self-control to not begin screaming at the Prime Minister, "explain. Now."

"I can give no excuse for what happened, except for a miscalculation on my own part," Schneizel answered calmly. "It seems I gravely underestimated our enemy, and for that, I take full responsibility for this tragedy."

Cornelia grit her teeth and continued to glare at her brother. However, she knew that lashing out wouldn't fix anything. She had made the same mistake of underestimating Voltron at Narita, after all.

"Your Highness and I mean no offense when I say this, but I think this situation has gotten out of control," Guliford said, "I suggest calling in reinforcements from the homeland immediately."

"I agree, Cornelia," Nonette said her voice grave. She didn't even use her nickname, "Perhaps I can call in my colleagues to join us here as well." Many eyes widened at Nonette's suggestion. The Knights of the Round were only called upon when they were absolutely needed. And Nonette seemed to be suggesting bringing in more than just a couple of them.

"Hold on, before we take any drastic measures, I think we need to take a closer look at this situation," Schneizel interjected.

"What is there to look at?" Darlton asked, "Zero disappears, then reappears two months later with a war machine that could easily wipe out our armies in a matter of moments. Now he's taken a member of royalty captive."

Before Darlton could continue, Schneizel spoke up again, "Which is precisely why we need to look at this situation carefully. For example, why exactly did Zero want to capture Nunnally? Why her specifically?"

Darlton blinked in confusion, and the rest of the room also looked at the prince curiously.

"Not only that, but Zero went through the trouble to capture Nunnally alive. If they wanted to kill her, he had the firepower and the opportunity to do it. And yet that didn't happen. We also haven't received any kind of ransom demands from Zero at all," Schneizel continued.

"Get to the point, Schneizel," Cornelia snapped impatiently.

"All I'm saying is that we shouldn't be jumping to conclusions on what Zero and Voltron's intentions are. There's something else happening in this situation that we don't know about yet," Schneizel explained, "Just think about it. If Zero wanted to, he could easily have taken Voltron straight to the homeland and destroyed Pendragon immediately after the Emperor's speech. We know through these last encounters that he has the means to do just that. However, despite being clear that Britannia's destruction was his goal in the past, that's the one thing that he has not done yet."

"What are you saying?" Euphemia asked. Now that her brother was bringing up all of these points, it was true. When he first appeared, Zero had made it clear where he stood in the conflict between Britannia and Area 11. So, now that he clearly had the resources he needed to destroy the empire, why wasn't he doing it? In fact, from the way he worded his speech after the Battle of Narita, it sounded more like he wanted Britannia to surrender. He sounded… unwilling to fight anymore, but was doing so because he had to.

"I believe that Zero's goals have changed," Schneizel answered, "I don't think he plans to destroy the empire anymore. I think his goals are more along the lines of crippling it instead."

"'Crippling it'?!" Guilford exclaimed, "What on Earth would Zero achieve by simply crippling us?"

The room soon filled with voices as the officers debated back and forth on the possibility of this theory, and what possessed Zero to suddenly take this route in his campaign.

Schneizel remained silent through the rest of this as his mind debated on this theory silently. He was sure that this was now Lelouch's intent. But why the sudden change of heart. Even back in Aries Villa, it was rare to see his brother suddenly change his mind about something that mattered so strongly to him. The only explanation Schneizel el Britannia could think of is that Lelouch discovered something so vital that it forced him to scrap his original plan and build a completely new one that he was implementing now.

'Lelouch, what is it you're planning? What do you know that we don't?'

o~o

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Rivalz asked.

"Yeah, I mean, I know Lelouch basically ordered us to take a break, but I still think we should have at least told someone what we were doing," Shirley added.

"It'll be fine, and why are you worried? This was basically your idea in the first place, Shirley," Milly said as she climbed into the pod in her regular Earth clothes, "Besides, we'll only be gone for about an hour. They won't even notice we left when we get back."

"Back from where?"

Shirley shrieked as she and the rest of the group turned toward the voice. She almost fell out of the shuttle, but Rai managed to catch her bridal style. The Orange Paladin blushed and cleared her throat as she got back to her feet, dusting off her short yellow skirt.

"What are you four doing?" Allura asked them, noticing that they were in their casual clothing. She did see that their Bayards were in the front seat of the shuttle, though.

"We-well um, we-"

"We're going to Shinjuku," Rai answered for Shirley, "Shirley said she wanted to see it."

Allura raised an eyebrow. She remembered this Shinjuku place being mentioned multiple times when the Paladins talked about their home and particularly about the war happening on the planet.

"I-I just wanted to see the ghettos for myself," Shirley explained, rubbing her right arm, "I want to see if their condition is like the Balmera. I lived most of my life in the Britannian settlement. The only time I caught glimpses of the ghetto was if a train passed through it. Now that I know the truth, I want to see how bad it actually is. I don't want to be ignorant about it anymore."

"Yeah. Lelouch and I would see it sometimes on the freeway driving back and forth from school and gambling," Rivalz explained, "and I'll admit, some of the comments I made about it and the Japanese weren't the best now that I think about it."

"We figured since Lelouch won't be making another move for a while, that this would be the perfect time to see it without drawing attention to ourselves," Milly added.

"Please don't try to stop us, Allura. We're going whether you approve or not," Raai said with finality.

"...No, I won't try to stop you," Allura said with a frown. What she said next surprised them, though, "In fact, I'm going with you."

o~o

Tamaki grunted as the Gladiator delivered a massive kick to his face, and he tumbled backward into Sugiyama, who had been flipped onto his back previously.

"End training sequence!" Coran exclaimed when he saw that all the Black Knights were done. He had a feeling that some of them would be sporting some pretty big bruises for the next couple of days.

"Okay, what the hell?! Kallen made this look so easy when she fought it on her own!" Tamaki ranted as he stood back up.

Even Ohgi looked a little discouraged from the fight. Coran had put the training level in the same setting that the Paladins' first fight had been on, which was apparently pretty low. So the fact that they all had their butts handed to them by a robot wasn't exactly a shining moment for them.

"Oh, don't beat yourself up too much, Tamaki," Coran reassured, "Remember, the Paladins have been training with the Gladiator two months longer than any of you have. Not to mention that all of you have only been rebels for a short amount of time, and allies of Voltron even shorter. It's going to take more than a couple of days to get used to it. Quiznack, I think a couple of the Paladins still aren't completely used to it."

"Coran, can I ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me," Ohgi suddenly asked.

"What's on your mind, lad?" the advisor questioned.

"If the Galra were to invade Earth right now, like this very second, what do you think would happen?" Ohgi asked.

Coran sighed, "If the Galra were to come this very moment, I'm afraid your planet wouldn't stand much of a chance, not even Britannia. You'd be wiped out in a matter of varga. A quintant, or a day, at the very most, and that's being optimistic."

"That's not exactly reassuring," Minami said as he took a sip of water next to Inoue.

"Not to worry. That's exactly why Voltron's here," Coran reassured them, "I promise, the Paladins, myself, and the Princess will do everything we can to protect your planet."

Ohgi frowned. He had another question but was debating whether to ask it or not. After another second, he did, "When we were talking to Kallen earlier, she mentioned that Zarkon had 'witch' working for him too?" When he said the word, it sounded like Ohgi didn't quite believe Kallen himself.

"Number Six is correct about that," Coran nodded, "We, unfortunately, don't know very much about her. All we know for certain is her name. Haggar."

o~o

Jeremiah groaned as he opened his eyes. Or well, eye. The Margrave didn't seem to register that one of his eyes was missing, as he attempted to take in his surroundings. All he could make out was that he was in a dark room, barely illuminated by dim violet lighting along the wall. From how he was positioned, and from the feeling of hard cold steel pressed against his back and limbs, Jeremiah felt that he was strapped to a metal table. When he looked directly above him, he could just barely make out what looked like some sort of medical instruments.

"So, you're awake after all," a cold feminine voice said to his right. Straining his head in that direction, his eye widened upon seeing the hooded, hunched figure next to him.

"Who are you?!" he demanded. He tried to sit up, but the restraints on his arms and chest stopped him, "Are you with Zero?! If he's here, I demand he come and face me!"

"You know of Zero… you've met him before," the figure murmured before raising her hand. Jeremiah gasped when he saw that the hand was dark purple. He failed to notice the purple aura surrounding his own body, "Show me."

Jeremiah stiffened before a blood-curdling scream emanated from his throat. He didn't think a person like him could make such a noise. Before his eyes, events of the past several days flashed before his vision. His first encounter with Zero, where the 'Orange' incident first came up. Of Zero's mask opening and revealing his eye, commanding Jeremiah to let them and Suzaku Kururugi go.

His memories went even further back. Next thing he knew, he was in Aries Villa, watching over the vi Britannia siblings as they played with Lady Marianne.

"So you knew him even as a child? How interesting."

More memories of Aries Villa flashed in front of him until it got to a memory that still pierced Jeremiah's heart to this day. Lady Marianne was lying on the stairwell of the villa in a pool of her own blood. Her body was curled around her daughter's, shielding Nunnally from the attack that took the Empress's life. The memory then paused and rewound before playing through once more.

"Peculiar…" the woman muttered, "How is it that the two of you possess the same memory? Even if you remember the same event, it's never viewed the same way through different eyes."

Jeremiah was barely able to hear what the woman said, both from the pain and the delirium he still felt. However, despite this, looking through all of these memories, his broken mind managed to pull information together. Information he never considered before.

"My prince... My Lord... is... Zero...?" He gasped through the pain.

"You wish for revenge on Zero?" the woman then asked, "I may have the means to grant it to you, but first... you will tell me everything!"

Jeremiah's screams continued to emanate through the halls of Haggar's private vessel, stripping every shred of information she could get from the soldier.

o~o

Before Area 11 was established by Britannia, Shinjuku was said to be a trendy place for both citizens and tourists to visit in Japan. It was commonly known for being an extensive shopping and entertainment area and had the busiest railway station in the country. It was even where many of Japan's tallest skyscrapers were located.

Now though, most of the district lay in ruins. Bullet holes and remnants of blood were splattered everywhere. All of the roads and structures were grey and rundown. Most of the windows didn't even have glass in them.

Shirley's sad face fell as she spotted several memorials, likely put up by Japanese survivors, lined up along the sides of several crumbled buildings. Flowers and candles burned, illuminating the signs that listed the names of the deceased. She gasped softly when she spotted a photograph of a family among them. It had a father, mother, and a tiny baby wrapped in the woman's arms. It didn't take a genius to know what fate befell them.

Shirley sniffled and wiped a tear away, her throat closing up from emotion.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up, Rai stood there looking down sadly as well. There were other photos in the memorial as well, but this one, with a child that didn't even seem a year old, nearly knocked the wind out of them.

"I knew that the ghettos would look bad," Rivalz said softly, "but, actually coming to see now is still..."

"Heartbreaking?" Milly asked, frowning softly.

"...Yeah," the Blue Paladin nodded, looking at the ground.

Allura, hair now a lighter shade of blonde than Milly's, with blue eyes and Caucasian skin (and rounded ears), dressed in a white short-sleeved jacket over a blue shirt, and a light pink knee-high skirt with white heels, stumbled when she felt her foot step on something soft. Looking down, she found a small handmade doll with a dirty, plain pink dress, and black button eyes.

As she picked it up, Allura heard a shuffle behind her. Turning around, she barely saw the silhouette of a child, cowering in an alleyway. But they were hesitantly eying the doll.

"Hello? Is this yours?" she asked gently. The child didn't answer and only shrunk away further.

Allura crouched down, hoping to look less intimidating, and held out the toy, "It's alright, you may take it."

The four Paladins watched cautiously as the child slowly lean out, but still didn't make a move to come closer. They could now see that it was a little girl, probably only six or seven, with messy black hair and wearing a smudged shirt that looked two sizes too big for her. They could barely make out small black shorts she was wearing underneath it. She also wasn't wearing shoes.

Allura, seeing that the girl wasn't willing to approach closer, very gently tossed the doll in her direction. It landed just within arm's length of the alley. The girl, as quick as a snake, lunged for the doll before turning and running back down the lane, the toy clutched to her chest.

Allura frowned, not because she was offended, but because the girl's behavior greatly disturbed her. That child had been terrified. So terrified that once she had her doll, she turned and ran, not even looking back. And she knew it was because she looked like a Britannian. Allura originally wanted to go as a Japanese citizen, planning to use one of the Black Knights as a template, but the four Paladins said that authorities would get suspicious is they saw an 'Eleven' hanging around Britannian citizens, even if they claimed she was an 'Honorary Britannian.' So for safety's sake, she chose her current guise. One could easily mistake her for Milly's sister or cousin.

She heard a crack behind her and turned to see that Rai had punched the wall of a building. Hard enough that the wall cracked slightly.

"I've never felt the need to punch the Emperor more than right now," Rai muttered, and cradled his hand. His knuckles were bleeding slowly. Though she didn't voice it aloud, Allura silently agreed. It disgusted her that a single man had caused so much fear to spread on the country and planet.

"I don't know…" Shirley whispered, drawing the others' attention, "If we use violence like that, we're not any better than him. We're Paladins, we need to be stronger than that. Yeah sure, we still fight, but only when we need to, or when we're protecting something."

The Orange Paladin turned back to the memorials, eyes lingering on the family's photo, "When this is over, I want to be here to help rebuild this place and others like it. I don't want people to have to live like this, ever!"

Rai smiled and nodded. He was proud of Shirley and her determination.

"Being a Paladin has really helped Shirley out of her shell, huh?" Rivalz whispered to Milly.

"Yeah, I totally agree," she answered.

Allura was also smiling. She was happy to see that the Paladins wanted to do good both in and out of their Lions.

The group walked along the ghetto path for a while longer. Some areas looked to be in the process of rebuilding, but considering the priorities of the empire, it was going to take a long time.

"Man! They didn't use RG on the Elevens. I figured they wouldn't," a boisterous voice exclaimed. Allura turned toward the noise and spotted two boys around the Paladins ages. They were

"Hey, look! Those are marks from hummer rounds. Get a clear shot of it!"

Allura gasped in horror when she saw what exactly they were taking photos of. It wasn't of the memorials, but of the bullets and military debris left behind. These boys were showing absolutely no respect for this place, nor did they seem to care that people had died here.

"Stop it! Both of you right now!" Allura shouted, running towards them.

The two boys turned in confusion before gasping in shock when Allura hit the camera out of the boy's hands.

"Hey! What's the big idea, lady?!" the taller boy gasped.

"Do you not realize that innocent people have died here, and you dare to treat this place like a childish playground!" Allura exclaimed angrily.

"Oh come on, lady, don't tell me you're sympathetic to these lowly scum," the first boy sneered, gesturing casually to the graves. "What's a couple of dead Elevens to a girl like you-"

A sharp crack filled the air as both boys stumbled back, the first now clutching a red cheek.

"You call them lowly, and yet you're the ones acting like barbarians!" Allura seethed, hand still raised from her slap, "I've never in my life seen a more disgusting display of depravity!"

"What did you say?!" the taller boy growled.

"I think maybe we should teach this girl a lesson!" a first one shouted, before charging at Allura. What he wasn't expecting, though, was for Allura to grab him by the wrist and shirt, and judo flipped him over her shoulder, causing him to land hard on his back.

This display made the second boy back up a little in fear. Allura glared at both of them venomously.

"I think you'll find your pursuit to be in vain," she spat, "Now get out of my sight and never disturb this place again!"

The two boys seemed to take the hint and ran off and away, not even stopping to gather the camera they had dropped earlier.

Allura sighed and shook her head. This was her first encounter with how the Britannians seemed to treat people like Suzaku, people of another race. Needless to say, she was appalled and began to wonder if perhaps her Paladins were the only good Britannians out here. They at least seemed to have good hearts.

Glancing down, she noticed that one of the plates of food had been knocked over by the boys and knelt down to fix the arrangement.

"My, my, that was quite the display of strength," a voice from behind her praised, the sound of hands clapping accompanying it, "but then again, I guess being an alien princess comes with its benefits now doesn't it?"

Leaping to her feet, Allura spun around to see a man with medium, silver-white hair with five long bangs hanging over his face, wearing black and purple headphones, two golden earrings, and purple sunglasses that cover his eyes. He had on a light blue, short jacket with symmetrical gold and blue designs, a long, linen shirt with maroon sleeves, and brown gloves. On the long shirt, there were eight black strips with golden circles on each side, with three of the pieces being on his neck and the others going down the front of his chest. He was also wearing long, black trousers with brown boots with two straps on both, and buckles similar to those on his wrists around his calf.

"Who-"

"Oh, who I am isn't important, Princess Allura of planet Altea. Daughter of the late King Alfor and Queen Melenor of Altea."

Allura took a step back. How did this man know that? She'd never seen him before, and he certainly wasn't a Black Knight. He didn't look like he was part of the military either. Still, the fact he was able to identify her was troubling. The best course of action would be-

"To take me to your Castleship and have Lelouch, AKA Zero, AKA Lelouch vi Britannia interrogate me with his Geass correct?"

If Allura wasn't shocked before, she certainly was now. It was almost like he-

"Read your mind? You're wondering how I know about you and Lelouch even though I've never met you before, right?" the man laughed. He then smirked and lowered his glasses, "Anything look familiar?"

Allura's eyes widened. If this man had a Geass, did C.C. know about him? Or-

"Oh! You've met C.C.? Where is she?" the man exclaimed excitedly. Before Allura could voice it herself, the man answered for her, "Oh, she's on your Castleship with Lelouch and everyone else, right? Well then, I guess I can bring her to me if I've got you here."

Allura didn't waste another moment and charged at the man, attempting to punch him. The man gracefully dodged and stepped out of the way. Allura spun around and tried to kick him, but the man blocked it and stepped back again. This went on for a couple more minutes with Allura failing to land any hits on him.

"Well, I'm impressed. For a princess, you're quite the fighter," the man complimented with a giggle, "I suppose having two Paladins as parents has its perks, doesn't it? You were bound to pick up a thing or two from them."

Allura growled and attempted to punch the man again. But instead of dodging it this time, he grabbed Allura's arm and twisted it behind her back. Allura didn't have time to try and counter as she was too shocked at how well this human predicted her movements.

"I'll admit, you coming to Earth was quite noble of you. You came to Earth to prepare it for Zarkon, right? Even though you think Britannia and the Galra are the same. And you're right, I'm no fan of Britannia, and I couldn't care less about Lelouch's daddy," the man shrugged, still keeping her in an arm-lock. "Though honestly, I can't really see much of a difference between him, Zarkon, and you."

"What?!" Allura gasped in outrage, "How dare you! I'm nothing like Zarkon or Lelouch's father!"

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, Princess," the man cackled, "I can see your hate Allura. I can see it as bright as day. You hate Zarkon. You hate the Galra. You want to kill them. You want to kill them all, just like what Zarkon did to your people. But if you did that, you're just like him. Right?"

"Wh-what?!" Allura exclaimed, her anger increasing but also bubbles of fear and sadness rising in her chest as well, "No. No, you're wrong!"

"Just like him! Just like him! Just like him!" the man sang and continued to laugh gleefully.

In a rush of furious rage, Allura wrenched herself free from the man's grasp, though he didn't seem to fight too hard to hold her either. Her appearance dropped as she clutched her head, trying to block out his maniacal chanting, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"

The last thing Allura registered was seeing a foot colliding hard with her head, then everything went black.

After he knocked her out, the man sighed, "Wow, you are a whole library of angst, aren't you, Princess? Well, maybe I can trade one princess for another? What do you think?"

With a grin, the man scooped Allura over his shoulder and walked off, a perfect plan already forming in his head.

o~o

"Allura?!" Milly shouted down a random street.

"Oh come on, where did she go?" Rivalz groaned. The group had realized that Allura wasn't with the group about a minute after they left the memorial. They were now wandering down the of the streets, looking at the buildings and houses that had been destroyed.

"Maybe we should check back by the shuttle? We did say if one of us got separated that we should meet back there, right?" Shirley asked.

"I don't know. Something's not right. I can feel it," Rai muttered.

"Yeah, that's the thing with Princesses. They just do whatever the hell they want."

The group jumped and spun around. They blinked in surprise to see a Chinese-looking man with large classes and a long coat standing behind them.

"You never know when they'll get into trouble," the man sang as he held out his hand. In them was a pair of familiar-looking earrings.

"Wait-those are-"

"Where's Allura? What have you done with her?!" Rai exclaimed, cutting Rivalz off.

The man seemed to ignore Rai's question as he pocketed the earrings. He then grasped his chin as if in thought.

"Hmm, let's see…" the man scanned the four before pointing to Shirley, "Shirley Fenette, Rivalz Cardemonde, Milly Ashford, and the nameless Rai, right?"

The group froze, eyes widening.

"How does he know who we are?" Milly whispered.

"Maybe missing person's reports on the news or something?" Rai answered.

The man then started clapped with a broad smile on his face, "I gotta say, it's quite the honor being the presence of the Paladins of Voltron!"

Their eyes shrunk further. Not only had this man identified them but knew that they were Paladins as well.

The man hummed, "Well, almost all of them. Of course, we're missing Kallen Kozuki, Suzaku Kururugui, and Lelouch Lamperouge AKA Lelouch Vi Britannia AKA Zero."

Okay, now they were scared. How did this guy not only know the identities of everyone on the team but also about Lelouch's heritage? Who the heck was this guy, and what did he want?

"Hmm, I wonder how the Britannian royal family would take it if they found out their own subjects are rebelling against them?" He laughed and clapped his hands again, "I mean, if the Emperor is willing to sacrifice his own son and use his own daughter as pawns, I'd say he wouldn't be above killing your families and making you watch as he did so."

Rivalz and Rai tried to sneakily pull out their Bayards but jumped back when the man pulled out a gun and shot several times at their feet.

"Nuh, uh, uh," the man giggled, wagging his finger at them, "Looks like bullets fly faster than your Bayards. Tell you what, you want Allura back? How about you meet me up there," the man pointed at a large abandoned building to the right, "And bring all your Paladin pals too, even C.C, especially C.C. If you need to convince her, tell her Mao's waiting for her! You got two hours, bring your Bayards if you want, but NO Lions! If I see a single mechanical kitty cat, your precious Princess Allura dies."

The man then laughed before turning and leaving, whistling a tune as if he was taking a casual stroll through the park.

The group stood there frozen for about two minutes before they all slowly turned to look at one another, each of them thinking the same thing:

What the hell just happened?

o~o

"Hey, Lelouch, Suzaku, can I talk to you two for a minute?" Kallen asked after she found the boys in one of the lounges. Lelouch had a tablet in his hands, and Suzaku seemed to be in the middle of meditating.

"What's up, Kallen?" Lelouch asked, placing the tablet down. Suzaku looked up and relaxed his posture.

"Okay, I'm gonna get to get right to the point. Suzaku," Kallen turned to look at the Purple Paladin, "How did you know what that white Knightmare was called? You're the only one on the team I've heard call it by a specific name. No one here or in the Black Knights knew what it was called. So how do you know?"

Suzaku sighed in resignation, "Well, the answer to that is easy. How do I put this…? It's… well, it's because I'm the one that used to pilot it. The Lancelot."

Lelouch looked at Suzaku in surprise, "So was that you piloting that Knightmare in Shinjuku that day?"

"Yeah, that was me," Suzaku confirmed with a nod.

"And you never told us this because…?"

"Well, to be honest, I didn't think I had to," Suzaku confessed, answering the Red Paladin, "the Camelot Unit, the unit I was under, is an irregular unit with an Eleven pilot. I figured since I wasn't there to pilot it, Britannia wouldn't use it again, at least for the sake of their pride."

"Well, obviously, you were wrong," Kallen snapped irritably.

"Look, I am sorry," Suzaku said, "but like I said before, the subject was never really brought up, and I honestly didn't think they would use the Lancelot again."

Lelouch sighed, "I'm not mad, Suzaku. I am disappointed, though. You wouldn't happen to know who's piloting that Knightmare currently would you?"

"No idea. Sorry," Suzaku his head with a frown, "Kallen said that it was a woman, though."

"Can you describe her, Kallen?" Lelouch asked, turning to the Red Paladin.

Kallen was about to answer when the intercom went off.

"Kallen, Lelouch, Suzaku, you're needed on the bridge immediately!"

The trio's eyes widened in alarm. Coran's tone sounded almost panicked.

They didn't waste any time and rushed to the bridge. When they got there, Coran and C.C. were waiting for them, and a video call was coming in on the screen.

"What going on?" Lelouch asked.

Coran quickly answered the call, and the faces of the other four Paladins appeared on the screen. They all looked frightened.

"Hey, is this thing on or what?!" Rivalz exclaimed hurriedly.

"Rivalz, we hear you, what's going on?" Suzaku asked.

"Okay, good!" Rai sighed in relief, "Sorry, but we have a situation!"

"Where are you guys?" Kallen exclaimed, "Are you on Earth somewhere?!"

"Lelouch, please don't be mad at us, but we're in Shinjuku right now," Shirley confessed.

"What?! Why did you guys go alone?! If someone saw you-" Lelouch gasped.

"That's not important right now, Lelouch! We have a problem! A big one!" Milly interrupted.

"Well, spit it out, what's wrong?!" Lelouch demanded.

"Uh, well… someone may have… kidnapped Allura," Shirley squeaked.

"WHAT?!" Coran shouted, "How is this possible?!"

"We got separated at some point in the ghetto," Rai exclaimed calmly, "When we were looking for her, some guy approached us and said that he had her. And he knew who we were too."

"What? How?!" Lelouch demanded.

"We don't know!" Rivalz denied, "All we know about him is his name! Mao or something!"

C.C. gasped, eyes widening.

"He said he'll tell everyone who the Paladins are unless we meet him. He wants to see C.C. too!" Milly finished.

Lelouch grit his teeth. He'd be lying if he said wasn't angry, but they could resolve that later.

"All right, you four stay where you are. We'll be there in a minute!" Lelouch decided.

"Wait hold on! Don't bring any of the Lions!" Shirley gasped, "The guy said if he saw even one of them, he'll kill Allura!"

"Okay, we'll be there in a minute!" Suzaku said as the connection was cut.

"C.C. do you know this Mao person?" Lelouch asked, having noticed C.C.'s reaction earlier.

"Yes, I do," C.C. answered, "I apologize. He's a former contractor of mine."

"A contractor? So does that mean he has a Geass?" Suzaku asked.

"Yes, he does. His Geass allows him to read minds. That's likely how he found out about you."

"Very well, thank you for telling us. Let's go, we'll take a pod down. Coran, ask Sayoko to meet us there. Come on, we need to get their armor," Lelouch commanded.

"Got it!" Suzaku nodded.

"Lelouch, maybe we should ask Ohgi and the others to help!" Kallen suggested.

"No, we'll inform them of what's happening, but they can't come with us. Besides what C.C.'s told us, we don't know anything about this Mao person. Also, he specifically asked for us to come, no one else."

"According to the Castle's scans, their Bayards are on Earth. It looks Number 1, 3, 5, and 7 brought them with them," Coran told them, his eyes shaking with worry.

"Okay, that's one less thing to worry about," Lelouch muttered, "Alright, Kallen, grab Shirley's armor, Suzaku, Rivalz's. C.C., collect Milly's. I'll get Rai's. Move now!"

o~o

Grabbing the only other pod that had an invisibility function, Lelouch, Kallen, Suzaku, C.C., and Sayoko rushed to the Shinjuku ghetto, Lelouch at the wheel. They were able to pinpoint where the other pod was thanks to the trackers already built into them. They spotted Rai waving up to them, likely having tracked them from the other shuttle.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Rai gasped as they landed, the other three Paladins waiting next to him, "Mao's in that building. We didn't want to go in without back-up, though."

"All of your armor is in the back, get changed now," Lelouch ordered sternly.

The four meekly nodded, even Milly, and quickly scurried to the pod.

It took them about five minutes to change, but once they had, they stood at the ready in front of Lelouch, dressed in his Zero armor.

"Okay, from C.C.'s told us, this person, Mao, is a former contractor of hers. His Geass lets him read minds, that's how he was able to get so much information out of you," he explained quickly, "We'll head inside, but we're going low and quietly, and try to think as little as possible. C.C. you stay out here with Sayoko in the pod. If we need you, we'll alert you."

Everyone nodded before Lelouch opened the door. Inside, the building was in shambles. The walls and floor were cracked, and several rats scampered into the shadows when they approached.

"Ew," Milly murmured in disgust.

The stairs were stable enough for them to walk on as the Paladins slowly walked up the stairs, Bayards out and ready to strike if they needed to.

Upon making it to the top floor, they found Allura. She was tied to a chair, that was nailed to the floor in the middle of the room. She had duct tape over her mouth. Allura's eyes widened when she spotted them, and she started to struggle in her bindings, muffled screams erupting from her throat.

"Allura!" Shirley shouted, she and Rivalz about to run over. They stopped dead in their tracks when a sharp knife gleamed in the dark and pressed itself to Allura's throat. The princess's eyes widened in terror.

"So you're Mao," Lelouch stated. He narrowed his eyes from behind his mask. Even though C.C. had warned them that his Geass let him read minds-

"Well, you can call it mind-reading."

-they really didn't have a solid plan to beat him. Lelouch's biggest weapon was his mind. But now that would be his most significant disadvantage.

"Keep talking, freak!" Kallen shouted, "Because I'm gonna-"

"-Kick my ass so hard I'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?" Mao chortled, withdrawing his knife and clapping his hands in delight, "My, my, you've got quite the wicked imagination Kallen Stadtfeld. Oh, sorry, silly me! You prefer Kallen Kozuki, right?"

Kallen growled, whipping out her Bayard, "Lucky guess, bitch!"

"Kallen, wait!" Lelouch shouted as the Red Paladin charged forward. Before Lelouch could stop her, though, Mao whipped out a detonator, and with a grin, pressed the button.

The floor underneath the Paladins collapsed, sending the group screaming and tumbling to the lower levels of the building.

Allura screamed in terror as she watched them fall. Her scream of fear turned into one of fury when she felt Mao pat her head.

"Now, now, you stay here like a good girl while I go hunting alright?" he grinned before disappearing into the shadows. Allura screamed again and renewed her struggles to escape from the chair.

o~o

With a groan, Lelouch got to his feet. Looking around, he saw that he was alone. The other Paladins must have landed in other areas of the building.

"I see, so this was your plan, Mao. Divide and conquer, huh?" he sneered. He quickly pressed his helmet to contact the others, "All right, who's not dead? Speak up now!"

"I'm okay," Milly responded first, "I think my armor took most of the-ah!"

"Milly?! Milly, what's wrong?!"

o~o

Milly had managed to duck before any bullets could hit her. She activated her Bayard and readied the kusarigama. She spotted Mao at the entrance to the room she landed in.

"My, my, you're quite the she-devil, aren't you, Milly?" Mao smirked, casually walking towards her. Milly tightened her hold on your weapon. "You're concerned about helping devious little Lulu and his helpless sister. But really, you didn't just help them out of the goodness of your heart now, did you?"

"What?" Milly asked, genuinely confused.

"Oh, Milly, Milly, Milly," Mao giggled, "Admit it, there was at least a little bit of selfishness from your actions, wasn't there? Your family lost everything once Lelouch's mommy died, so you thought that by taking him and Nunna in, you might regain favor with the Emperor if he ever found them again. Isn't that right?"

"N-no that's not-"

"Admit it, that is the case, isn't it? Or at least in your parents' eyes, right?"

Milly gasped, her weapon shaking in her grip.

"Oh, so I was right, wasn't I? I was, I was, I was, huh?!"

Finally, Milly shrieked in anger, "Shut up!" she blindly threw her kusarigama in Mao's direction. It hit the wall next to him, causing it to collapse. As the dust cleared, all she heard was the sound of Mao's laughs, having retreated to another room.

Milly grit her teeth. "He's wrong. I was a friend. I was just trying to help! That's all!"

She received no response from the silence that surrounded her.

o~o

Rivalz looked around warily as he crept down the hallway. He kept his rifle out and ready to shoot. Whoever this Mao guy was, it was a bad idea to take him lightly. That's what Lelouch would say.

"Yes, I can see Lelouch saying something like that."

Rivalz whipped around and shot blindly behind him where the voice came from.

"Now, now, Rivalz, you even didn't check to see if I was an enemy or not. Now how would you have felt if you had shot one your own teammates?"

"Well, first of all, I know what their voices sound like!" Rivalz shouted back.

"Hm, I guess that's true. Well, I suppose that makes you at least a little different from other Britannians."

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" Rivalz asked.

"Oh, don't try to fool me, Rivalz. You and I both know that you used to look up to the military, didn't you? Why, you looked up to the Emperor himself, right?"

"Yeah, so? That was before I knew how much of an ass he is!" Rivalz snapped back.

"But even so, it took someone like Lelouch to finally open your eyes?" Mao chuckled, "You said so yourself, you and Lulu drove past the ghetto all the time between school and your other activities. You had every opportunity to change your view of things before. But it took a friend practically knocking it into your skull to see reason. Now, what exactly does that say about your character? Hm?"

"Shut UP!" Rivalz shouted, rapidly shooting in the direction of the voice. Rivalz didn't stop shooting for almost a full minute. By the time he finished, he was breathing heavily, and Mao's laugh couldn't be heard anywhere.

"Just because I was ignorant for a while doesn't mean I'm stupid!" he shouted at nothing before leaning against the wall, exhausted.

'Find us quick, Lelouch,' he begged, looking down the hall desperately.

o~o

Kallen groaned as she rubbed her ass gingerly. She felt like an idiot for charging towards an unknown enemy like that. Now they were in trouble because of her.

"Hold on, guys," she said quietly, "I'll get us out of this mess."

"Well, hopefully, you can do better how you 'helped' your dear brother, huh?"

Kallen spun around and barely made out a silhouette in the distance, but it didn't take a genius to know who it was. But that comment immediately flared her temper.

"Excuse me?!" he shouted, "Say that again! I dare you!"

"Oh, what's wrong, Kallen? Do you hate me? Like you hate your dear mommy, who's behind bars?"

"Why you-"

"You hate her. You've admitted it plenty of times, haven't you? Oh, why else would you leave her behind to rot in prison?"

"I don't hate her!" Kallen shouted furiously.

"Mm, maybe not anymore. But you used to, didn't you?" Mao tisked, "So why the sudden change of heart, huh? Is it out of pity? It's pity, isn't it?"

"No, I-"

"You hate her! You hate her! You hate her!" Mao sang and clapped to a rhythm of his own.

"Argh! Shut up!" Kallen screamed, taking her Bayard and slicing through a pillar. She then leaped out of the way as the ceiling came caving in. After the debris stopped falling, Kallen got to her feet. Geass on, she scanned the area, only to see that the coward had made a run for it.

"Okay, buddy! Now you're going to get it!" she growled, spotting the crazy, Geass wielder running down the other hallway.

o~o

The first thing that Shirley did once she regained her senses from her fall was to activate her own Geass. She was glad that she seemed to at least have one advantage in this situation. Now she just needed to find the others before Mao the maniac did.

"Now that's not very nice, Ms. Fenette!" the very man gasped dramatically.

Shirley nearly gasped in surprise but bit her tongue just in time so she wouldn't give herself away.

"Quite clever of you to use your own Geass. But, unfortunately, just because I can't see you doesn't mean I don't know where you are," Mao cackled, "So long as you have your thoughts, you're never invisible to me."

Shirley bit her lip and struggled to stay silent. Despite her best efforts, though, her thoughts kept wandering to other things. Her family was one of them.

"Oh dear, dear," Mao chuckled, "I really wonder what your family would think if they saw you right now. I mean, your father and mother are loyal Britannian citizens. But I doubt that would mean much to the Emperor if he found out that you were acting against him. What do you think he'll do to them? Hold them for ransom? Or maybe simply send an assassin to get rid of loose ends?"

"Stop it," Shirley whispered instinctively, beginning to shake. Tears gathered in her eyes.

"Then again, I guess that isn't completely your fault, isn't it? After all, Lelouch isn't exactly the most moral man in the world, huh?"

Shirley blinked. What was he talking about?

"Well, it wasn't until he nearly abandoned you that he finally came clean to all of you, right? He deceived you, and you liked that, didn't you?"

Shirley started shaking. Sure she felt terrible for Lelouch and disappointed that he didn't trust them sooner, but he did now, and that's all that mattered. Plus, like Rai-

"Ah, yes! And of course, there's the matter of the 'other boy' no? You've gotten quite close to the mysterious Rai, haven't you?" Mao guffawed joyfully and clapped, "Oh, it sounds just like a romantic tragedy! Two boys, but only one heart! Who on Earth will you choose to fill it? If you pick one, what will become of the other? Will they hate you? Will their heart break as well?"

"No, that's not-"

"Oh, what a naughty girl you are, Shirley! Admit it, you enjoy the attention you get from both boys, huh? You're no Paladin, you're a witch that fishes for attention aren't you?!" Mao cackled again, clapping joyously.

"N-No I-"

"Hey! Leave her alone!" another voice shouted.

Shirley gasped and looked up. She looked at the door and saw Rai standing behind Mao, Bayard out.

"Oh, looky, looky here! One of your prince charmings is coming to save you, Shirley! Isn't that just precious?!"

"You talk way too much," Rai barked.

"Yeah, I do talk quite a bit, but maybe you should think about doing the same."

"What?" Rai raised an eyebrow.

"Well, I'm simply referring to how much your own mind is racing. I mean seriously, if everyone could read minds, they'd call you quite the chatterbox."

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Rai denied.

"Oh, just say it, Rai, get it off your chest!" Mao encouraged with a grin, "You're worried, aren't you? Oh, no, no, sorry, not just worried. You're terrified. Terrified of the memories that you lost, aren't you? You're scared that if you get them back, you'll be a terrible person who did unspeakable things, huh? Well, then again, it's not like you haven't already!"

Rai's eyes widened. So did Shirley's. What was Mao getting at?

"I mean, you already know that you were a gladiator. The Champion was it? I mean, you must know what that means, right? There's only one way you could've possibly obtained that title. Isn't that right, murderer?"

Rai gasped and stepped back. While he didn't remember exact details of his gladiator fights, he had a feeling that most of them didn't end with both of them leaving that arena. But, it's not like he wanted to kill them. He was trying to-

"Survive? Yeah, I guess that's the answer they all would give, right? But murder is still murder Rai, whether in self-defense or otherwise. How many innocent lives do you think you have on your hands? Hundreds? Thousands?"

"Shut up…" Rai muttered.

"Stop it! Leave him alone!" Shirley shouted.

"Sure, you were noble enough to replace your sister, but that leg wound you gave her looked pretty serious. Who's to say you didn't cripple her for the rest of her life? I wonder if she's even still alive? After all, what good is an injured slave to an Empire like the Galra."

"SHUT UP!" Rai shouted, head shooting up and charging at Mao. Mao dodged to the right, but to his shock, he felt something cut into his face. He cried out, and clapped a hand over his cheek, feeling blood drip. Looking up in shock, Rai turned to him, and Mao's eyes widened, seeing a familiar red symbol in his eye.

"What? You have one too?!"

Rai roared and tried to charge Mao again, but Shirley ran up behind him and hugged him from behind.

"Rai, stop! Please!" she cried, tears running down her face. The Green Paladin turned back to her, and Mao used this opportunity to hastily retreat.

Seeing the terrified look on Shirley's face, Rai forced himself to calm down. When his Geass finally faded, he collapsed to his knees as tears of his own fell down his face.

Shirley simply held him as he cried.

o~o

Mao panted after he escaped the floor. He had not been expecting the Green Paladin to have a Geass. He even managed to cut him quite well.

"Well, nothing too bad," he told himself, "just a little miscalculation-"

"Don't. Move."

Mao froze when he felt the tip of a blade on his back.

"What?! How didn't I hear you coming?" Mao gasped in shock.

'A little something Todoh Sensei taught me,' Suzaku explained coldly, through his mind, 'He called it 'Silencing the Mind.' Apparently, ninjas used it in the ancient days of Japan. Helped them keep focused on their goal or something like that. I'll be honest, I never really thought I'd have to use it. But I'm glad I did. Sure, you hear my thoughts now, but I doubt you can get much else out of me.'

Mao grit his teeth, as Suzaku was correct. He tried to probe more in-depth, but he wasn't pulling up anything in Suzaku's mind to use against him.

"Now, I think you've caused enough trouble, Mao. We're taking you in."

Mao growled, and faster than Suzaku could react, Mao pulled out a grenade he had hidden in his coat and threw it. This forced Suzaku to take cover as the grenade detonated, destroying most of the hallway he had Mao cornered in.

After the smoke cleared, Suzaku looked around, but Mao was nowhere to be seen.

"Damn it!" he cursed, before racing in the other direction, desperate to find stairs to find the others, or get back to Allura.

o~o

Allura gasped as she heard the grenade go off down below. Despite having superior strength, her bindings were extremely tight, and she hadn't made much progress trying to get out.

She gasped again when she heard another noise. Looking up, her eyes widened in relief when she spotted the space mice scampering towards her. Lelouch must have brought them along to free her while they tried to deal with Mao.

The four didn't waste any time and quickly chewed through the rope bindings around her hands and feet. Once she was free, Allura ripped off the duct tape covering her mouth, barely registering the stinging pain across her face.

"Come on, we have to help them," Allura told her friend as they scampered up to her shoulders. Allura would be lying if she said that Mao didn't frighten her. But he was threatening to hurt her family, and she would do anything to save them.

o~o

Lelouch grunted as he maneuvered around another slab of debris. He then heard the sound of another bomb going off. Pressing himself against the side of the wall to avoid any debris, he tried to contact the others again.

"Paladins, can anyone hear me? Please answer!"

Before he could listen for any replies, a bullet fired very close to Lelouch's mask. He instinctively ducked before slowly getting up.

"You realize killing us isn't going to bring C.C. any closer to you right, Mao?" Lelouch asked coldly.

"Oh, like you killing other people hasn't brought you closer to your own goal?" Mao taunted, though he didn't sound quite as cheerful as when he confronted the other Paladins.

Lelouch shook his head, "If you think you can manipulate me through my guilt, you'll be disappointed, Mao. I accepted long ago that death can't be avoided in war, no matter how hard you try."

"Oh yeah, you'd be an idiot to think that otherwise," Mao admitted nonchalantly, "I mean, you did kill your own brother in cold blood."

"Clovis was as much of a murderer as I am. He ordered the massacre of hundreds of innocents in this very ghetto. Just as the Emperor needlessly slays those who stand in the way of his empire. I don't care if people still see me as a prince of Britannia. I'm something better than that now."

"You mean the Black Paladin, right?" Mao smirked, "But is that really what you are?"

Lelouch frowned but made no move to correct or deny the man.

"Sure, maybe your precious princess told you such, and sure, your little kitty cat saved you and your sister over the ocean. But she's betrayed you before. Who's to say she won't do it again?"

"Just because Zarkon still has a connection to Zen doesn't make him her Paladin," Lelouch argued back calmly.

"True, that's very true," Mao nodded, "I can see that getting quite complicated if that wasn't the case. So it should be pretty easy for the next Paladin that comes once they get rid of you, huh?"

Lelouch blinked, genuinely caught off guard, "What?"

"Oh, don't try to deny it, Lulu," Mao chuckled, "You've seen the parallels that you have. You know, between yourself and Zarkon? You're both the leaders of the Paladins, but look what happened to him? How do you know you're not going to end up the same way?"

"I'll make sure that doesn't happen!" Lelouch barked back.

"Oh, I'm sure Zarkon said something similar when he was in your shoes," Mao countered, "Isn't that what Alfor himself said?"

Mao shifted to the side as a bolt of red lightning whizzed past him. This only seemed to amuse Mao.

"Oh, did I strike a nerve there? Oh, poor, poor Lelouch. So scared that you're going to become a psychopath just like Zarkon. But then again, team leaders do have a tendency to do that. Just read a couple dozen manga if you don't believe me."

Lelouch shouted and shot more lightning at him, but he didn't see the grenade that Mao threw until it was too late. The blast sent him flying backward, knocking his helmet off in the process.

He heard Mao sigh dramatically, "You should really be more careful, Lulu," he chastised as he approached closer, drawing his gun, "you never know when something will trip you up."

"Mao, that's enough."

Mao gasped and looked to his left. His eyes widened when he spotted C.C. approaching.

"C.C.! C.C. I knew you'd be here! I just knew it! We're finally together again!" he exclaimed as he ran towards her.

Before he could get into the hall, though, Mao cried out in pain as electricity shot through his body. He collapsed, convulsing in pain.

"Wha-"

"Can't read robot minds, can you?" Lelouch smirked as he slowly got to his feet. He calmly walked to his mask that fell off and put it back on. Rover beeped loudly as if to taunt the Geass wielder.

Mao managed to get to his feet and spotted the little drone hovering by the building. He raised his gun to shoot him only to receive a solid kick to his face. Before he could recover, several more kicks hit him in the face and stomach, before a final one to his abdomen sent him flying out of the building's entrance.

"Perfect timing Sayoko," Lelouch acknowledge as he joined her side.

"Are you alright, My Lord?" Sayoko asked, two kunai held tightly in her grip. She too had learned the 'silent mind' technique in her youth, so sneaking up on Mao was child's play for her.

"Yeah? And the others?"

Lelouch got his answer as the other Paladins emerged from the hallway to stand by the two. They all looked less than pleased as Mao struggled to his feet. C.C. slinked back into one of the rooms out of sight. It was dark now, so it was much easier to hide in the shadows.

Mao looked around in shock, having not sensed the other Paladins coming. They were quick to follow after him and surround him, weapons raised.

"Hard to read minds when you're unfocused, right?" Kallen growled before charging him, knowing there was no floor collapsing underneath her this time.

Mao, now on the defensive, desperately tried to avoid as many of Kallen's blows as possible, as well as any other attacks from the other Paladins.

He coughed when Kallen slugged him in the face before slicing his shoulder badly with her Bayard. He cried out again when he felt a laser hit his thigh, courtesy of Rivalz. He then stumbled and tripped over Shirley and Milly's outstretched legs. He got up and limped away only to have to dodge a close slice from Suzaku's katana, though it did slice through his jacket. He tried to reach for his gun, only for Rai's katar, grappling hook caught his hand. With a sharp tug, Mao lost his balance again, falling on his rear. He failed to see a final figure behind him as he struggled up again.

Just as he turned around, Allura delivered a hard, solid punch to his jaw, sending him flying backward into the circle of Paladins again.

Kallen whistled, "Nice hook!"

"Thank you," Allura replied with a smug grin before turning to scowl at the man again.

"Mao, surrender now, you have nowhere to run," Lelouch ordered with an angry frown. "However, if you can really read minds, you can tell that I'm hoping you don't, so we can drag your beaten ass back to the Castle by force."

Mao just growled as he sat up, "You'll regret this!"

Everywhere then cried out as a smoke bomb exploded in Mao's hand, blinding everyone in the circle. Everyone covered their eyes to protect them from the smoke.

Once the smoke cleared, to everyone's shock, Mao was gone.

"Where'd he go?!" Rivalz exclaimed.

"Uh, guys…" Shirley said nervously, pointing just outside their encirclement. Looking over, the group spotted a removed sewer lid next to a manhole.

"Dammit, he escaped to the sewers!" Lelouch exclaimed, running closer.

Silence fell over the group. But the gravity of the situation slowly hit them. There was mind-reading psychopath running around Japan. Not only was he dangerous, but he also knew every single one of the Paladin's identities.

The question on everyone's minds?

What now?

#Fanfiction #AU #Voltron #Code Geass #lelouch lamperouge #suzaku kururugi #kallen kozuki #rai (lost colors)#shirley fenette #milly ashford #rivalz cardemonde #c.c.#princess allura #coran #mao #nunnally lamperouge #sayoko

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