#glad cause a bit dysphoria inducing

[starlooove]

What’s the psychological reason biting my nails off makes me stop crying and panicking.

[dysphoric-culture-is]

dysphoric culture is sobbing over the fact that you were forced to wear a dress cause dysphoria just will not shut up about it so after a bit you search it up and end up here

[this blog's so comforting btw, thank you for this. it reminds me that i'm not alone, no matter how absolutely isolating dysphoria can make me feel. mod is cool and i hope mod's day is going well]

Dysphoria culture is!

Also, it sucks that you were forced to wear something dysphoria-inducing and hopefully it won’t happen again. But mod is glad the blog helps and thanks you for the compliment!

[betterbinderproject]

Hi, when you say that you understand completely the reasons why people don't like the better binder project you're being very presumptuous. It's not the same as well-meaning but ignorant abled people attempting to solve highly complex and expensive problems of access for disabled people. And furthermore, the way you talk about this is really condescending and frankly just...you make assumptions that you understand the intimacies of how people think and feel that are just not true or analogous.

Like I mean this in the nicest possible way, but cisgender people’s relation to trans people is just not the same, and it would be a lot less patronizing and transphobic of you to *not* characterize every possible negative and/or critical reaction to this blog as being a reflexive anger and automatic rejection instead of being a justified and/or reasonable wariness. Like I absolutely hope this project succeeds, but there’s no reason to think that you’re qualified to make it succeed.

I’m going to use this also as a way to respond to your post, which didn’t show up on my Acitivity, so I’m glad someone pointed me to it.

1. My ability to listen to criticism

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been monitoring the activity of my posts, especially looking for people saying things like, “This will never work”, “this is a bad idea”, “won’t work for me” and so forth. Then a lot of the time I’ve messaged them to say, “Hi, I want to hear about your thoughts and experiences, do you have time to talk?”. I’m in a little bit of a backlog with this because some really smart and informed people have been commenting on it but I’ve been busy. For example, if I got the chance to listen to @the-scottish-costume-guy at greater length and in greater detail in the next couple days, I’d be really happy.

So while some criticisms have been reflexive rage or despair, others have been completely on point and I’ve already integrated them into my design (for example, recommendations to slope the boning diagonally down and to the outside). And others have been logical on the surface, but don’t apply to the specific thing I am trying to do (eg. “corsets are expensive”)

2. My credentials

I’ve been sewing seriously for the last 20 years. In some of that time, I’ve been paid for my work. For much of it, I’ve both been reading academic sources on the topic, and sewing in the workshops of vastly more experienced sewists. Over and above all my other sewing experience, I’ve made and worn numerous corsets. There is no set certification for a “professional tailor” but yes, if I wanted to do that as a job, I do have the resume and portfolio for it.

Tailoring isn’t actually the field you want here, though. Since beginning this project, I’ve located and contacted several researchers in the fields of human ecology, mechanical engineering, and biomedical engineering, who have relevant expertise. None have yet gotten back to me, probably partly because it’s summer. If someone more qualified than me wants to work on this project, I am 100% willing to collaborate with them, or hand the project off to them.

3. My profiting from this project

I’ve already made some very particular and pointed decisions about this. If I wanted to significantly profit from this project, I would:

Keep my R&D process secret

Patent and license the design

Sell patterns of the design I made for individuals wanting to make their own, individual, copy

Sell binders I myself made, or possibly outsource their production and then sell the result

Send cease&desist letters threatening to sue anyone selling copies of my binder, or any other binder on similar design principles, or any pattern for such a binder

Demand that anyone wanting to profit from the use of my design principles pay me a licensing fee.

Meanwhile, my plan right now includes:

Publicizing my concepts and progress in a way freely accessible to anyone with an Internet connection

Maintaining a record of my progress to keep anyone else from claiming to be its inventor and licensing it in exploitative ways

Encouraging feedback from as many people as possible and seeking out trans, nb, and genderqueer perspectives 

Coming soon: Creating a survey about wearer experiences and health outcomes, asking anyone involved in this project to report back so the data can be disseminated and analyzed. If this project and my design are a failure, I will say so.

Making design concepts, and in the future, patterns and tutorials, freely available to anyone with an internet connection, and agreeing to their republication to reach other audiences

Only receiving donations from people who understand that this is an experimental venture, posed as the question, “What if I tried this thing,” and only profiting from items that I have ensured people could get for themselves some other way. (eg “Here’s a free tutorial on making this binder using items from the dollar store. However, if you want to buy a $20 kit of high-quality items pre-cut for your convenience, here’s my Etsy”)

Providing prototypes to their intended wearers for free in return for feedback about the wearers’ experiences, instead of selling half-baked designs for a profit

Openly encouraging other sewists to suggest design improvements, make their own versions, or make binders for other people without paying me

In the future, I’m very open to stepping back in my own role in this project, and handing it off to trans people who have taken the idea and run with it.

From a legal perspective, I have probably already ruined my chances of making big bucks from this project, and I did that on purpose. From the beginning, I realized that it is very possible for me to be exploitative in how I handle this project. 

I honestly asked for money because I can’t pay for medications, groceries and utilities right now. I got about $300, which was enough to cover most of my monthly medical expenses. Most of the clients I see as a psychotherapist are disabled, living on extremely limited incomes, and cannot pay me much more than the cost I pay to rent the room we meet in. I’m trying to survive and find a better job. If I had a full-time job and made a decent income, I would be funding this project out of my own pocket. I know how to market and monetize a project like this, and have, from the first, deliberately chosen not to, in large part because I’m cis and this isn’t my issue.

4. Binders over top surgery

This project has largely been inspired by a trans person with whom I have worked, whose parents were involved in a custody dispute beginning when they were 14. At 14 they realized they were trans, but they required the consent of both parents for medical procedures until the age of 18. One parent was extremely transphobic and would not consent to top surgery, although they didn’t see their child on a regular basis and didn’t know how they dressed and presented. During those 4 years, they used a binder as a way of dealing with the dysphoria that made them suicidal. Despite its negative physical health effects (pain, trouble breathing, rashes, etc) the binder was an essential aid to their mental health.

Yes, binding is a “stopgap” method compared to top surgery. However, one of my major areas of work is as a mental health therapist with LGBTQ people, especially teenagers. Not everyone can get top surgery, and not always as quickly as it is needed. Sometimes there is a gap you need to stop.

5. Why do we need better binders at all?

I didn’t go into this because I, frankly, had considered the need for improvements in binder technology so well-documented as to be completely obvious. Just today someone tagged this blog talking about how much they want it to work because “binding gives me rashes, makes my already shitty lungs hurt, makes my back hurt, and doesn’t actually work for me“ Would you like��me to curate the research and accounts of people who have problems with the current models of binder available? Is that proof you in fact need?

7. Corsets are unsuitable/super gendered

Yep! That’s why I’m not making corsets. I’m trying to use the engineering elements from corsetry that would make the binder better, and make everything else as un-corset-like as possible. 

How possible this is is an open question right now. For example, corsets need to be fitted so precisely because they go from the bust to the hips, and therefore need the correct bust, waist, and hip measurement, and the correct height, and the correct ratio of all things to each other, and to have the correct vertical profile. My current hypothesis is that by making a binder that covers only the bust, I can eliminate many of these complexities. However, many informed observers of the project have told me that they think I’m wrong, and that the binder will need to extend to the waist to more evenly distribute the load of compression, and a garment that only goes around the chest will cause too much back pain over the long term. This is a question I think can honestly only be answered when I ship my prototypes to my genderqueer friend in Georgia, who shares my measurements and is eager to try each model out for hours/days/weeks and report back.

At present, I am experimenting with adaptations to sports bras, which I also know can be too gendered and induce dysphoria. I’m using them because my current project is aimed at people who have very little experience sewing, and therefore would benefit from only having to add a few elements to an already-constructed garment. After this, I want to see if I can transition those adaptations to something less gendered, like a tank top. After that, I can begin work on drafting a binder entirely from scratch, which, one hopes, I can make as ungendered as possible.

My askbox is open!

[loadingluke]

Hysto day 2

Tw: blood, post op stuff, nausea, genital mentions

Hey all, hope you don’t mind the long posts. I just find it easier writing down notes over the course of the day instead of trying to remember it all to summarise. I hope the detail is helpful :)

4:50am

I had an endone at about 3:45 and then slept again from there. I was feeling a little bit of pain and just wanted to nip it in the bud. Had another rest, just drinking some water but still feeling good 🙂

7:13am

3 new day nurses came in and I was handed over by the night nurse. They discussed that I should be getting my catheter out soon, after some breakfast. I also have a small pack inside which will also be removed. Dysphoria wise I’m not looking forward to either but I’m also excited to have it all out, to have a shower and to feel a little more human!

7:31am

Someone from Melbourne Pathology cane in to do my post surgery blood tests. It was pretty quick and painless.

7:36am

Breakfast came in and I got a nurse to help me move my table so I could have something to eat. I’m in a little pain where the pack is, but it’s manageable. I haven’t got a sore throat though, and my abdomen incisions aren’t sore at all. Hopefully soon after breakfast I’ll be able to shower etc.

7:59am

Dr Kuswanto came in and had a look at my abdomen incisions. He said that the operation went well and that the only issue was that the v-gina was quite tight and dry due to testosterone and uh...lack of use. That’s why he put in a pack as there was a little bit of bleeding from a few small tears when they removed the organs. I told him that that was what hurt the most, and he said I’ll feel a lot better once that pack will come out later this morning. He let me know that my bladder and ureters we’re all normal (he also did cystoscopy during the operation). He said to book in to see him in 3 weeks time in his rooms for a post op check up.

8:34am

I finished my breakfast and two of the nurses came in and gave me an endone. I wanted to take one a little before they take out the catheter and packing as it’s a little sore and I don’t really want to be in pain when they do that. They should be back soon to sort that all out and then I’ll be able to have a shower and get up and about. I was also given a liquid laxative to help get my bowels going. Endone and the general anaesthetic can cause a little bit of constipation so this was just to avoid that.

8:50am

Post op doc came in and had a chat. She listened to my chest for any signs of wheezing due to my asthma. She said everything sounds good and that I’ll feel better later today once everything is all out and I’ve had a shower.

10:09am

I was given a couple of panadol by the nurse. I ordered my lunch and dinner for today with food services. Catheter and packing removal is looking like it’ll happen between 10:30 and 11am.

10:21am

I had a very sudden bit of nausea come on. I assumed it may be blood pressure related (I’d been sitting up for a while) so I called the nurse and put my bed back down. That made me feel a little better. I was given a vomit bag just in case, but I didn’t need to use it.

10:34am

My IV was disconnected from the port. A lot of fluid was entering the surrounding tissue and not the vein, leading to a little swelling and discomfort. I’m drinking normally now, so I don’t need to be on fluid anymore anyway.

10:56am

Two nurses came in to let me know that they’ll be removing the catheter and pack. This should be happening any minute now.

11:13am

The pack and catheter are out now. The pack was a little sore and dysphoria inducing. The nurses had to start by wiping down the area with cold water, and then they had to pull it out using forceps. It was quite bloody and it kept coming which felt really weird and painful. It was a lot longer and larger than I expected. The catheter was actually really easy, and didn’t feel too bad at all. They put a pad on me and a new bluey underneath, and will monitor that for the next hour or so to make sure I’m not bleeding too much. I felt like I needed to pee as soon as the catheter came out. The nurses told me it was probably just irritation but to let them know if it gets worse. I should be able to get up in about half an hour to an hour to have a shower, as well as a voiding trial to make sure everything is all working normally. I feel a little better now that it’s all out, even though it does feel quite painful. I had to use some estrogen cream inside leading up to the surgery in order to have it a little less tight and atrophied. As much as it sucked, I am SO glad I did. I would have been in a lot more pain now if I hadn’t.

11:23am

Had another set of obs done. The needing to pee feeling has subsided a bit, so it probably was just irritated. Got my IVs out of my arm, so now I’m officially tubeless!

12:18

I felt like I needed to pee so I asked to be helped up. I walked over to the toilet and sat down. I started to feel really dizzy so I called the nurse. She put be back into bed and checked my blood pressure. It was stabilising after a sharp decrease. She used a bladder scanner and discovered I didn’t have much urine in my bladder at all, and that it was probably just bladder irritation. She gave me some ural to have which is meant to reduce discomfort. I’m having that now. I feel really warm- one of the nurses is grabbing me a wet face washer to cool me down.

2:24pm

I’m back in bed after my first wee and shower. I was feeling pretty rotten but this time I didn’t feel like I was dizzy or anything which is good. I sat down in the shower and freshened myself up. I feel a lot better now. I’m changed into my pyjamas from home so I feel a little more like myself.

3:08pm

I had a second wee and I didn’t feel as dizzy when I got up. Afterwards I had a bladder scan to make sure that my bladder was completely empty. It was, which means I don’t need to collect my urine anymore. I’m feeling a little crampy, my abdominal muscles are just contracting randomly which isn’t super pleasant. I was given a heat pack which has helped. I am bleeding a little bit downstairs, but not significantly.

3:40pm

I’m feeling pretty good. A nurse came in and checked on me. I went to the bathroom again and then watched some YouTube videos.

7:48pm

Got brought a hot milo and some water. I’ve been feeling pretty good, now that I’m able to get up and walk around without feeling too terrible I feel alright. I keep comparing my experience with this surgery to that of top surgery. I had it in my head that this one would be loads easier, but it’s actually been a little harder than I expected it to be. At least with top surgery I was free to to completely use my lower half, so getting up and walking around was pretty easy. It’s really hard to move around well without the use of your core. I feel like this surgery is harder on you initially, but it improves a lot quicker, but that’s only me and only time will tell! I’m feeling pretty comfortable now, and should be all fine for discharge tomorrow. The nurse came in to check my obs again, as well as to give me a blood anticoagulant injection and laxitive again. I’m gonna head to sleep again soon as I’m feeling quite tired now.