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wifelinkmtg · 2 years

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Neon Dynasty Kami- wait hang on

Are we still on Innistrad? I thought we did Innistrad last time. Excuse me while I review the previous post.

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Yes, it seems we started Innistrad, but I got sidetracked by talking about all the corrupted angels from Shadows block. Odd. When I try to remember the process of writing the last post, there aren’t any specifics, just this... warm, hazy thrum. That’s probably fine, right?

Anyway.

INNISTRAD: MIDNIGHT HUNT + CRIMSON VOW, CONTINUED

Henrika Domnathi (art by Billy Christian)

It really is so easy to make vampires hot, isn’t it? Like there’s a formula: take a pretty woman, give her opulent clothes, put a little trickle of blood from her mouth as a crack in the facade of controlled civility, right, just to indicate that she may look like nobility but is in fact a decadent animal, and then give her a wine glass full of blood and have her hover a bit. There you go: buttons pushed, hotness achieved.

Henrika, Infernal Seer (art by Billy Christian)

Oh, by the way, Henrika apparently drinks demon blood exclusively, which is a cool character detail I thought you should know. There is something very Mardi Gras about this whole look, which just makes me want to reread some of Caitlín R. Kiernan’s New Orleans short stories. Actually, you could do a very interesting Innistrad reskin using Kiernan’s mythology, their dog-like ghouls and Southern vampires in houses with decaying wallpaper. Wizards of the Coast did a bunch of alternate versions of cards from Crimson Vow as Dracula characters - I’m imagining something similar with Jimmy de Sade as Sorin, Salmagundi as Avacyn, and so forth. Free Secret Lair idea, if Wizards want to make a product with a target audience of one.

MUCH LIKE THAT WHOLE PARAGRAPH. LET’S MOVE ON, PLEASE.

Gisa, Glorious Resurrector (art by Yongjae Choi)

You know, there is something really compelling about a woman who is passionate about her art, even if that art is raising the dead. Not a lot of fun to be had on Innistrad, generally speaking, but Gisa is having the time of her life: bloody cleaver, picnic basket full of hands, horde of adoring undead, evil shovel. Some respond to the horrors of Innistrad by retreating to the safety of ritual or religion, hiding in their hamlets, hands gripping axe or torch, mouths set in grim hope. Gisa responded to the horrors by saying, “I could do your job better, actually,” and it is working out great for her. Apologies to Olivia Voldaren, but Gisa is Innistrad’s premier girlboss and it is not close.

Bat Whisperer (art by Jodie Muir)

I’m sure the other vampires get judgy about how Sabrina’s always getting fully contoured and dressed to the nines just to go lounge around on rooftops with bats, but frankly she has captivated me with her #AutisticGirlSwag. I am so excited to learn all about the difference between bat species in Nephalia and Stensia.

Saryth, the Viper’s Fang (art by Igor Kieryluk)

There aren’t any gorgons on Innistrad, so Saryth has decided to DIY it. About eighty percent of the sex appeal here is the massive, luminous constrictor. That’s not just me, right? Igor made the snake really hot, right?

ANYWAY, YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE CROSSBOW SEGMENT OF OUR SHOW.

Apprentice Sharpshooter (art by Steve Prescott)

Personally I think it’s good to have to watch out for spikes when you kiss a pretty woman. There’s a lovely textural contrast between cold pointy metal and the softness and warmth of fur and skin. More spikes on women in 2023, please.

Bloodthirsty Adversary (art by Heonhwa Choe)

Yes, like that, exactly! Spiked pauldron, spiked hips, double crown of thorns, and we’ve escalated to two crossbows. She will kill you, unfortunately, but you’ll get to experience several interesting and different piercing sensations on the way out.

Sawblade Slinger (art by Joshua Raphael)

And speaking of escalation, um. Look. We can argue about whether the Fuck-Off Buzzsaw Hurler is technically a crossbow, but I hope we can all agree that it is an Effective Visual Metaphor for the best goddamn strap game in Innistrad.

THIS HAS BEEN THE CROSSBOW SEGMENT OF OUR SHOW. THANK YOU.

Creepy Puppeteer (art by Marie Magny)

If you’re not at least curious about what it would feel like to get double-teamed by a lovely hammer-wielding maniac and her mannequin duplicate, you might be reading the wrong blog. Hey Marie, this is pretty good, but can we get the horny turned up a couple hundred percent?

Blood Hypnotist (art by Marie Magny)

Amazing, thank you so much. Where to even begin with this? I don’t know exactly what blood hypnosis entails, but I would very much like to learn. The dominating eye contact, the blood-soaked talons, the coy little heart in blood on her previous victim’s face (”previous” because what this image communicates above all else is “you’re next,”) fat braids straining against their prison of riveted leather strips, the way the outline of her head irresistibly suggests a praying mantis head (that one’s just for me, thank you!), and - why not - fat tits into the bargain. Honestly, the only thing that could possibly make this any hornier would be the visible bulge of her thick cock, which I’m sure they only didn’t do because this game is 13+. Then again, they printed this card as-is, so I guess Magic: the Gathering is real educational, huh? Tap lands, cast spells, make friends, feel things about card art you can’t yet identify but which will shape whole swathes of the rest of your life.

Alright, that’s been Innistrad, a welcome change of pace from almost two years of mostly-neutered art. Thanks for going on this journey with me!

NEXT TIME: CYBERPUNK, ART DECO, AND TAMIYO'S HOT GIRL MAKEOVER COMES AT A TERRIFYING COST!

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