#girly now exists YIPPEE

[somevillainfuckery]

OOGA BOOGA *kabongs you*

Only watched a little of Jellystone, already a big fan of Eleegle [Fleegle x Kabong]. Going with what little info I know, HEADCANON TIME FOR THE HORSE El Kabong in an immigrant. Legal or Illegal? The world may never know He learned the most cliché western cowboy accent possible, and had spoken with it for such a long time, he had to re-learn his Latino accent. This was after he moved to Jellystone. Sometimes, Kabong will accidentally speak in the cliché western accent- absolutely hates when he slips up like that Being a sheriff just- wasn't great- so he fully took on the role of El Kabong. His actual name is still Quickdraw, he just never tells anyone. Kabong will rant in Spanish if pissed off enough. One time, just for an easy win and just for a laugh, and also during a fight with The Banana Splits, he just grabbed Fleegle- twirled that man, dipped him- and kissed him. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. MIGHT'VE BEEN A BAD IDEA BUT YKNOW IT IZ WHAT IT IZ. Has been caught looking at guitar porn before while still in the school building Hates guns. Refuses to pick one up, since he's shot himself in the face so many times. The only weapon he'll pick up is a guitar. When he isn't teaching or fighting crime, he sometimes goes to hang out with the Splits. He likes Fleegle, and is also friends with the splits sister, Hooty [YES IM FULLY MIXING JELLYSTONE AND THE BANANA SPLITS MOVIE, FIGHT ME]- Plus, lurking on the rooftops gets boring after a while. Kisses his guitar, Susan, on a daily basis. questioning objectophilia??? /hj This is all for now, shit might change later

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Every Single (Hermitcraft/etc.) AU Idea I Have Ever Had

This is... what it says on the tin. It is a long post. I do not expect it to get any traction. I am doing this for autism reasons. Some ideas are actually excluded because there is zero substance to them. Sorry I don't think anyone wants to hear my 1000 'what if Grian... was sad' ideas.

Many of these (most of them) were made in collaboration with @angeart which explains why they are so sad and also Mostly Scarian. It doesn't always say it's shipping but it usually is. We are Grian Girlies. Sorry.

If you want to hear more about ANY of the ideas listed here, feel free to shoot me an ask :) I LOVE RANTING ABOUT THESE IDEAS. There are even links to fics where they exist.

Each idea needs different warnings so any major CWs will be listed at the start of each summary so you can skip any one you want.

It begins... below the cut

COMMS AU

READ THE FIC HERE

WHAT THE HELL IS COMMS AU?

My main multichapter fic, ongoing and insane

A multiverse nonsense trip wrapped in an audio transcript format

Grumbo Apocalypse Monster AU

CW: minor character death, existential dread, gross / graphic imagery

Grian is a shapeshifting monster drawn into human life by the apocalypse, and Mumbo is a human who attempts to survive the horrors

Main characters: Grian & Mumbo (duh!)

Side characters: Pearl, Scar, Cub, Joe, Cleo, Xisuma, “Evil Xisuma”, Martyn

Tumblr Masterpost

READ THE FIC HERE

Vex Hunger Kidnapping Griangst AU

CW: discrimination, starvation, cannibalism (non-consensual), gore

Grian (avian) and Cub (vex) are kidnapped by scientists on their way back from MCC. They are kept in a cell where Cub is starved until he goes feral and starts attacking Grian out of Vex instincts.

Also eats Grian a lot. Don't worry, Grian can respawn, but he respawns back in the cell in a puddle of his own blood, only to be torn to pieces again.

They are rescued by the hermits. Now traumatised! Yippee!

Things get worse before they get better

Basically, Grian’s self-destructive trauma urges: the movie

Main characters: Grian, Cub, Scar, Mumbo

Side characters: Hermit ensemble

Evil Scar Corruption AU

CW: mind control, kidnapping, torture, amputation, manipulation / mindbreak

Scar gets corrupted by the Vex which take over his mind. His love for Grian is mutated into selfish obsession, and eventually he kidnaps and tortures him in an attempt to make him stay forever.

Cuts off his wings and everything. (they grow back)

Eventually the hermits find out and lock Scar up while trying to heal Grian - but Grian broke somewhere along the way and now thinks what Scar was doing was true love.

Scar comes back to his senses and the guilt hits him like a truck. Eventually he leaves the server and runs into his own Bad Relationship but don't worry about this.

Grian’s self-destructive urges: the sequel

Main characters: Scar, Grian

Side characters: Xisuma, Cub, Pearl, Mumbo, hermit ensemble

The Facility AU

CW: near-death experience

Xisuma runs a top secret facility dedicated to the safety and containment of supernatural/otherworldly beings and entities.

Kind of like SCP but nicer.

Field workers Scar, Grian, and Cub are continuously put through the wash while other facility employees (namely Etho and Bdubs) have quirky little romance arcs. 

Grian nearly dies because of a swimming pool btw. There is so much to this fic I cannot possibly explain here.

Main characters Arc 1: Scar, Grian, Cub, Mumbo

Main characters Arc 2: Scar, Grian, BigB, Cub, Mumbo

Side characters Arc 1: Xisuma, Keralis, Zedaph, Joe, Cleo, Bdubs, Etho

Side characters Arc 2: Martyn, Scott, Ren, Tango, Impulse, Gem, Skizz, False

Superheroes and Villains AU

CW: not mentioned here but there is gore / surgery and alien mushrooms that kill people

In the city of Blackstone, vigilante HotGuy works alongside the Hero Bureau to catch villains and keep the city safe.

Between trying to save the person behind Mother Spore, and rebuilding his old friendship with Cub - now turned villain - HotGuy must look through the gaps of the Hero Bureau to see the corruption lurking within.

Main characters: Scar, Grian, Cub, Pearl, The Watchers

Side characters: Mumbo, Joe, Cleo, Gem, Ren, Doc, Keralis, Beef, Tango, various hermits

Read the summary here

Hero AU 2

CW: discrimination

Grian and Scar live in a city where hybrids are second-class citizens

Grian is an activist who gets beaten up and arrested a lot

Scar is secretly the superhero HotGuy, who is controlled by the city's government - as HotGuy, he pretends to be human

Grian thinks HotGuy should use his power for good, and dislikes HotGuy because he upholds the human power structure - he does not know Scar is HotGuy

Main Characters: Scar, Grian

Side Characters: ?

Respawn Enabled Hybrid Farms AU

CW: extreme dehumanisation, cannibalism, abuse of power

Global Moderators have passed cross-server laws denying the rights of hybrid players and placing most hybrids in farms to be butchered like cattle for food and resources.

Grian, born and raised on one of these farms, escapes to Hermitcraft where he learns how to be a person with agency and freedom (ahem. only to have it taken away again. and again...).

Main characters Arc 1: Grian, Mumbo, Ren, Scar

Main characters Arc 2: Grian, Pearl, Mumbo, Scar, Ren, Xisuma, Evil X, Keralis

Main characters Arc 3: Grian, Mumbo, Scar, Pearl, Gem, Ren, Impulse, Doc, Cub, Xisuma

Side Characters: hermit ensemble

Hybrid Farms (Worse Version)

CW: mentioned death, extreme discrimination, cannibalism

Hybrids are farmed as food but this time there is no respawn

More of a modern AU

READ IT HERE

Main characters: Mumbo & Grian

Side characters: Life series ensemble

'Introduction to Being a Person'

CW: human experimentation

In a desperate attempt to subdue the rebelling masses, a corrupt government begins experimenting on people to create war machines. In the dystopian wastes of civilization, escaped experiment Tango must grapple with his identity and newfound freedom, while turf wars and deception lie around every corner.

Main characters: Tango, Grian, Ren

Side characters: Experiment Army: Scar, Cub, Cleo, Joe, Gem, Pearl; Steel Wheels: False, Etho, Keralis; Helping Hands: Iskall, Stress, Xisuma; Connected Mankind: Mumbo; Last Stand: Doc, Bdubs; Unaffiliated: Impulse, Zedaph

Tomorrow AU

CW: death / existential themes, human experimentation / dehumanisation, torture

Based very loosely on World Of Tomorrow by Don Hertzfeldt

Scar, co-CEO of ConCorp, buys a body that was grown in a lab with the intention of dissecting it

Despite the body being suspended in fluid all its life, it wakes up before Scar can do anything - it's alive, but doesn't know how to speak or move

Later, this lab-grown creature becomes Grian, learns how to speak and walk, and finds out about the impending heat death of the planet

Meanwhile, we have unethical treatment of prisoners, moon science, dogman and the existential existence of clones

Main characters: Scar, Grian, Bdubs, Doc, Ren, Pearl

Side characters: [The Prison Cube], Mumbo, Xisuma, Cleo, Etho, Cub

Secret Life Watcher AU

CW: none?

All the life series players find out Grian is a Watcher at the start of Secret Life and then they are mean to him. 

Also Grian may become evil at some point. But he deserves to have a villain arc.

Main characters: guess

Elliot Smith AU

CW: major character death, self loathing, existential themes

Based on my Watcher Lore

READ THE FIC HERE

In which Grian is killed at the end of Evo and his code and memories are placed into a Watcher version of him, creating a Watcher-Vessel in a process called ‘Transfer’

Mostly about both the grief of Grian’s old friends as they discover what happened to him, and the ethical / philosophical debate Grian has with himself about who he is and why people are upset about it - he's the ship of theseus kind of

Called ‘Elliott Smith AU’ because each installment in the series has a different Elliott Smith song title as a title

Main characters: Grian(?), Pearl, Jimmy, Scar, Xisuma, Martyn

Side characters: Watchers, Listeners, BigB, Scott

Elliot Smith AU AU - a different timeline

CW: major character death, existential themes

Grian gets taken by the Watchers after Limited Life and they kill him & replace him with a perfect copy of himself. Moral, ethical, and emotional dilemmas unfurl. Offshoot from my main Watcher-Grian fic (Elliott Smith AU) of the same concept just with a different timeline as to make it way more evil.

Main characters: Grian(?), Scar, Mumbo, Pearl

Side characters: hermit ensemble

Elliot Smith AU AU - a worse outcome

CW: major character death, existential themes

An offshoot of the Elliott Smith AU where the hermits (or some of them) are much more aware of what a Watcher is and are much more afraid when Grian is found out

Grian is put in a code prison while the hermits figure out what to do with him (delete his code entirely, ban him, let him stay)

Many conflicting opinions. Many horrible things said and done

Main characters: Grian, Xisuma, Pearl, Scar, Mumbo, Joe Hills somehow

Side characters: Hermit ensemble

Elliott Smith AU: Continuation 1 - BigB

CW: major character death, existential themes

BigB is a Listener - he went through a process called 'Hollowing' which is similar to Grian’s ‘Transfer’ (death and copying) except (as far as BigB is aware) it did not kill him, simply re-made him

Grian doesn’t agree that BigB didn’t die

A lot of philosophical debates here

Main characters: BigB, Grian

Side characters: Martyn, Pearl, Joel, Jimmy, Listeners, Scar

Elliott Smith AU: Continuation 2 - Scar

CW: discussions of major character death, existential themes, betrayal

After winning Secret Life, Scar is taken by the Watchers and nearly turned into one before Grian, Martyn, BigB and the Listeners intervene 

However Scar’s code is damaged and decaying, and Grian needs answers to fix it before Scar is lost forever

He seeks out the Watchers and is told to bring Martyn to them in exchange for Scar’s life being saved

Grian does this, like the sad little bastard he is

Queue Martyn escaping the Watchers anyway and now everything is awful and no one likes anything that has happened

Main characters: Scar, Grian, Martyn

Side characters: BigB, Pearl, Xisuma

Zombie Apoc AU

CW: death, zombies, I think you get the idea

Zombie apocalypse but Grian and Scar just moved in together (gay intent).

Scar gets turned, Grian keeps him in the basement and lures survivors in to keep Scar fed, despite Scar asking Grian to kill him before he turned.

Mumbo shows up and everything goes wrong. And maybe some things go right.

Main characters: Grian, Scar, Mumbo (are you tired of seeing their names yet?)

Side characters: Cleo, Etho, Bdubs; Zedaph, Cub

Zombie Apoc AU 2: this time it's sadder

CW: zombies, death, suicidal thoughts

Long story short is that Grian gets bitten

Scar and Grian live in an abandoned apartment block called ‘Desert View Apartments’ (though they move to Jimmy's farm before Grian gets bit)

Ren, Martyn, Impulse and Skizz hunkered down in the ‘King’s Court Shopping Centre’

Cleo, Bdubs, and Etho are taking refuge in an old castle-turned-museum 

Jimmy, Scott, and Tango live on a farm together

Joel, Lizzie and BigB live in the woods and use plants to stave off the disease

Gem is a travelling mercenary with a pet reindeer who believes the only way to save society is to eradicate all zombies and infected people

Pearl is a nomad with a pack of stray dogs

Mumbo is some guy I'm sure he has a role somewhere

Main characters: Scar and Grian

Side characters: the rest of these idiots

Space Age AU

CW: space colonisation, slavery, death, military stuff

Humans have colonised a large chunk of the galaxy

Grian comes from a group of humans who were against the human empire - said group was attacked, slaughtered, and disbanded

Scar used to be a part of the empire’s militia (though he is an alien, not human) but is no longer part of it

Mumbo does not know whether he is an android or not - androids are a slave class / killed on sight since their war with humans, and humans need to carry ID to prove they are human. Mumbo has an ID, but the tests for humans vs. androids are basically meaningless and inaccurate

Pearl was part of the same group as Grian, was captured and sold into servitude

Scar stows away on Grian’s spaceship (stolen) - Grian freaks out but they become somewhat friends

Scar and Grian go to a planet notorious for hating humans, because Scar wants a job there and Grian wants to get rid of him - Grian gets caught and thrown in prison 

Scar meets Mumbo, a member of the planet’s court, and they work together to break Grian out and the three of them escape 

They journey through space, meeting up with folks like Tango - eventually the gang find a ship run by Watchers (a powerful alien race) and they discover Pearl on board

Main Characters: Grian, Scar, Mumbo, Pearl

Side Characters: Tango, Ren, Jimmy, Scott, Martyn, Gem

Hunger Games AU (Based on Floor 6, a now-deleted Lunch Club AU)

CW: hunger games, unnamed character death, cannibalism, trauma x 10000

Hunger Games universe but the winners all live in a big tower apartment complex with each floor being a new decade of winners

Grian is the most recent winner!

Yes I put him in district 9 for a bread joke.

Scar is my favourite victor because he ate people.

Main characters: Tango (70; 3 - electronics), Ren (71; 2 - weapons), Pearl (72; 10 - animal farming), Scott (73; 4 - fishing), Martyn (74; 4 - fishing), Scar (75; 10 - animal farming), Gem (76; 7 - lumber), Grian (77; 9 - grain), Joel (78; 2 - weapons); BigB (79; 9 - grain), Mumbo (avox, 9 - grain)

Grian Chrysalis AU

CW: insect stuff, body horror

Note I am autistic about this one.

Grian is a weird little guy who has to form a chrysalis and turn into goo before reforming

He needs to do this every few years to keep himself alive, as he is a unique cross between Watcher and player - except no one on Hermitcraft knows this about him, and Grian may have gotten distracted building for so long he forgot to take a vacation away from the server in time to go Bug Mode

So all they know is Grian is missing, and Xisuma is getting corrupted life signals from inside a mysterious chrysalis that has appeared - so they cut open the chrysalis while Grian is still reforming in there

He's goopy (body horror intent)

Main characters: Grian, Scar, Mumbo, Xisuma

Side characters: Hermit ensemble

The Crafting Dead (vine boom sound)

CW: medical torture, zombie apocalypse, captivity

Hermitcraft gets attacked (Watchers?) and lots of hermits are sent off to their own personal hells, with no memories of Hermitcraft

Xisuma has to go find them and bring them home and help them heal and re-introduce them to Hermitcraft and hopefully get their memories back

Scar is our main focus here - he’s stuck in the zombie apocalypse world of The Crafting Dead, where he spent his childhood and teen years before being rescued by Xisuma - now in his 30s, he thinks he’s been stuck there his whole life 

Grian is having a bad time being fledged into a proper Watcher, forced to Watch, since he never escaped

Mumbo's in a cult and might be evil (it's fine. He's fine.) (Lie)

Pearl is roaming the forests with a ghostly wolf, her enemies blood long gone but still fresh on her hands as resources dwindle in a tiny world (Double Life)

Tango is chained like a beast in an underground fighting ring, labelled with a nickname that isn't his and placed in a betting pool with odds stacked highly in his favour (he always wins) (he has to win) (there is no respawn here)

Impulse has been freshly captured and put in the same lineup, odds stacked quite tremendously against him (they don't know what he is) (he could end them all with a snap of his fingers) (don't corner a demon)

Doc is huddled in the corner of a lab he never left, scientist-turned-experiment, taken apart and put back together again different, wrong, as more additions pile onto his growing list of hybridities (they've given him wings, and taken his eye)

Main characters: Scar, Xisuma, Grian, Pearl, Mumbo, Tango, Impulse, Doc

Side characters: Hermit ensemble

Pirate Boatem But Evil And Mean

CW: major character death, cannibalism, ghost stuff

READ THE FIC HERE

Pirate crew Boatem get kicked off their ship and put on a desert island by Captain Scar

Survival cannibalism

Magic / curse ending

Ghost Grian

They go hunt down Scar at the end 

Main characters: Impulse, Grian, Mumbo, Pearl, Scar

Side characters: SKIZZ !!!!

I can be your angel….. Or yuor devil….

CW: religious implications?, also death mentions, body horror

Scar is some guy obsessed with the occult who is part of a ghost hunting team with Impulse Gem and Skizz

He finds Grian, a “fallen angel” and decides to take care of him

Grian is actually a demon sent from the void to find a human and bring it to his masters (the Watchers) for harvesting 

Grian used to be human maybe 

Grian is blindfolded - he claims it is so he doesn't taint his purity with the image of the imperfect world but it is really there because his masters don't want him to see the world and fall in love with it. The void is all he knows

Scar teaches Grian self-worth while Grian slowly turns into an eldritch horror beyond comprehension

Main characters: Grian & Scar

Side characters: Impulse, Skizz, Gem, the Watchers

Monster-Pet AU

CW: dehumanisation, discrimination, medical abuse

Hybrids seen as either free labourers or pets depending on how rare they are

Grian is a Watcher, a very rare type of wild hybrid

He’s been a pet for a long time - taken from his flock and completely changed mentally

They de-clawed my boy, they took his sharp teeth away

One day he wanders away from his owners house by accident and stumbles into Hermitcraft (a free, hybrid-run town)

Healing arc but he struggles very hard to understand he isn't a pet

Pearl, former flockmate-turned-feral Watcher, attacks him when she finds him, reduced to believing any weak flockmate will lead to them being captured again

Main characters: Grian, Scar, Pearl

Side characters: hermit ensemble

Solaris AU

CW: major character death, existential themes, spoilers for Solaris (1972)

Solaris (1972) AU

But with my own added flavour and twists

Scar is Kris Kelvin, Cub and Mumbo are the other two scientists, Grian is the dead wife

Philosophical.

Main characters: Scar, Grian, Mumbo, Cub

Fantasy AU (Kingdoms AU)

MASTERPOST

READ THE FIC HERE

Monster Hunter AU

CW: vampires & blood drinking, unnamed character deaths (many), discrimination

Grian and Mumbo are vampire hunters, part of the Hunter's Guild, dedicated to killing monsters

Dramatic backstory time: Grian's home village was slaughtered by vampires, leaving only orphaned children behind - he has a lot of vampire related trauma and has channeled that into becoming one of the best hunters around

Problem: Mumbo is secretly a vampire

Problem 2: Grian is about to find out

Angst 🙂 lots of it

There are humans, vampires, were(wolves, etc), fair-folk, demons/gorgons/devils, and potionmakers

Main characters: Grian, Mumbo

Side characters: Scar, Cub, Etho, Cleo, Bdubs

Popstar Grian / Ari AU

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Disaster Rescue Team AU

CW: survival cannibalism, systemic discrimination, torture, medical abuse

Scar, Pearl, Skizz, Impulse, Bdubs, Tango, Etho, Cub, and Mumbo are a disaster rescue team who specialise in helping hybrids

Grian is an avian living on a remote island that is destroyed by a storm, and he is trapped there for years until he's the only survivor left, the mainland government ignoring the situation

He's forced to resort to cannibalism to survive, then he's rescued

Scar is the therapist of the group who spends time working with Grian to rehabilitate him

Sadly most of his clients end up in bad situations, going missing, or in prison because the mainland is incredibly discriminatory

There is a government conspiracy happening where hybrids are being taken away after leaving the rescue facility and used for medical or scientific experimentation

Bad things happen to the gang.

Main characters: Scar, Pearl, Skizz, Impulse, Bdubs, Tango, Etho, Mumbo, Cub, Grian

Side characters: Ren :)

The ones who walk away from Omelas AU

CW: torture and abuse, like, a lot of it

Based on the story 'The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas' but with my own changes, for fun. This is actually one of my faves.

In the city of Omelas, life is perfect - there is no crime, no homelessness, no suffering. It is a Utopia

This Utopia comes at a cost, a single citizen, chosen randomly, must bear the suffering of all others, kept alone, starved and entirely isolated, underground, their whole life

The children of Omelas are shown this suffering early, to get them used to the idea. When they are horrified, they are told about the greater good of this sacrifice.

When Scar is a child, he sees the suffering scapegoat, at the time around his own age, and vows to rescue him one day

Twenty years later, he makes good on that promise

Main characters: Scar, Grian

Side characters: Joel, Impulse, Skizz

City Blues AU

CW: organ harvesting, gang violence, references to drugs

Architect Grian gets fired from his job, and has to move to the bad part of the city for the first time ever. There he is very quickly noted and attacked, but a cunning drug dealer saves him.

He's given a place to stay by the salesman, Scar, but he owes the man. He has to work as an errand boy for a while to earn his freedom.

I mean, how hard could it be?

(it's considerably more difficult when he develops a crush)

(and because everyone in this place wants to get their hands on his kidneys)

Main characters: Scar, Grian

Side characters: Mumbo, Cub, Stress, Iskall, Cleo

Convexian Serial Killers AU

CW: murder, no seriously our protagonists are killers and they get away with it, no moralising here they are just evil little freaks for fun, also cannibalism

Scar and Cub are serial killers who kill while their housemate, Grian, is out working for days on end

Grian happens to come home early one time and finds them mid-kill

After a series of breakdowns and a lot of throwing up, Grian gets kind of into it tbh

He watches the kills (and enjoys taunting the victims) and acts as friendly, harmless bait for other victims

Scar and Cub also introduce him to cannibalism, and he gets a little bit obsessed with trying to hunt down other avians to kill

Scar and Cub are human, while Grian is an avian, and though Scar expresses his love with violent fantasies, they would never hurt Grian

Grian's friends: Mumbo, Jimmy and Pearl, may have a little to say about this when they find out ^-^

Main characters: I just listed them

Side characters: Gem yayyyyy

AAAND THATS IT. I missed quite a few shorter / less dense AU ideas and possibly some bigger ones I have forgotten. Oops if so.

Remember, if you wanna know more about any of these, please send an ask, and specify which AU youre asking about obviously! If you read this far I am honestly shocked at your ability to put up with That Many scarian ideas.

Also feel free to riff on any of these if one stands out to you as interesting. I love hearing / seeing other people's interpretations of my stuff :D

[catchyhuh]

i bet you were insufferable as a child

and since we know this about lupin and jigen for a fact we’re actually just gonna focus on the other three for now! yippee!! the "tms forgot i exist" special lineup!

fujiko:

i know she was a weird girl. i KNOW this bitch had a gigantic bookshelf filled with all the standard cute, girly beginner chapter books, but also those big fucking scholastic book fair pretend spy kits and shit. i don’t think she was ever the “play in the dirt and come home covered in grass stains and mud” type of kid, mostly because it just felt gross to her, but i DO think she was completely unhinged in an indoors sense. the kind of child who just starts talking your ear off acting like they know everything there is to know about frogs because they read one book so OBVIOUSLY they know ALL about FROGS!! 

absolutely adored those cheap horrible nail polish sets where the brush is the size of a q-tip swab. she also chewed on her nails though, so imagine the standard tiny hand with thin, watery, glittery purple polish on just the roundest, bluntest nails possible. that same hand is also thinking really hard about how to best pocket your coin purse though so like,

i think she had siblings. she was in the perfect spot where she wasn’t in the league with the older, more achieved kids, but wasn’t young enough to be babied and spoiled like the little ones. which takes quite a strange toll on you growing up. it’s why her demeanor now tends to go between taking advantage of the fact a lot of people don’t expect anything from her, to “why are you ignoring me?! what’s that about!!”

fujiko def developed her evil selfgaining tendencies before she even left the fifth grade. if you think she’s difficult to bargain with NOW, imagine what she was like in middle school when [pogs/pokemon cards/silly bandz/insert era appropriate cafeteria currency here] was big. she went through the school system curating personal black markets. it would be impressive if she wasn’t so terrifyingly cutthroat about it

in the nicest way possible, if the stars had aligned, and by some miracle all five of them were the same exact age and met in kindergarten, she… would not have been friends with any of them. well, partially. there’s a very sharp gender divide when you’re first starting school, so i think she kind of “made friends” with nice enough girls, but she absolutely thought lupin was obnoxious, she thought goemon didn’t like her because he rarely spoke to her, jigen thought it was hilarious to antagonize her, and zenigata was just kind of whatever, like he wasn’t a jerk, but he wasn’t exceedingly nice. like he gave her a colored pencil to borrow and that was the extent of that. at best, if goemon was forced to really socialize, she and goemon would get along well enough, but that’s also because she’s bossy as HELL and goemon just goes along with whatever, even now, so ESPECIALLY back when he was an impressionable child!

goemon:

god. you know the kid that sits on the edge of the playground that the teachers all go “aw, bless his heart. just a little old soul.” poor baby goemon

i don’t really think there was as much pressure on goemon to live up to his legacy the way there was for lupin. i’ve mentioned it before, but goemon’s relationship with the original goemon is very different from lup’s relationship with his grandpa, or even dad, and it’s not just because of the time gap. goemon CHOSE to emulate his nakesake’s abilities and talents, where lupin kind of had no choice. and because of this, goemon’s transition into his current lifestyle was much more gradual. i’d say he probably only started making an effort to BE “goemonlike” when he reached his mid-to-late teens. i know hes like 17 in the og manga so if any of this contradicts that Shh no it doesn’t

his quietness wasn’t entirely the result of being shy either. he just didn’t really know what to say at most points? he was (and still is) pretty blunt, and realized pretty quickly and very naturally that people outside of his immediate family didn’t know what to make of him when he answered rhetorical questions completely honestly and sincerely. so he kinda just. retreated inward a bit. he started to get a bit more talkative as he grew, but then he committed to his training and learned the importance of “meaning every word you say” so then he started getting quiet AGAIN

you would think he would be the easiest kid to look after. uh no. even in a pre-slashy slashy era he’s very naturally destructive, which is insane given how tenderly he treats certain stuff within the house. you go “ok goemon this is my dog’s favorite food bowl. it belonged to HER mom so that’s very old for dogs.” and he gives you this exceedingly serious nod and uses both hands to slowly set it down on the ground for the dog to eat out of. but then you go “goemon is that your great great great grandfather’s handmade teapot?” and he goes “is it?” and just in the process of him setting it on the counter it has shattered in two. little man is devastated but hey nobody was drinking out of that thing anyway so just krazy glue that fucker and the tears will subside

zenigata:

is there anything at all funnier than an angry 6yo. yeah. an angry 2yo. and even funnier than that, an angry infant. he didn’t even have anything to actually be pissed about, that’s just naturally how his eyebrows sit and HAVE been his entire life. i would give up my pinky just to see even a glimpse of the absolute comedy jackpot known as his baby pictures

not a revolutionary take by any means but he was definitely the “YOU CAN’T DO THAT WE’RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE!!” kid. however he was absolutely not even REMOTELY the “didn’t we have homework?” kid because you know damn well he never remembered to do that shit. unless he knew a kid he didn’t like ALSO didn’t do the homework, then yeah, he’d absolutely go down with the ship just to get back at the little bastard. 

in that same vein he would absolutely be the easiest to babysit. “but his demeanor--” shh you are thinking too far ahead. this guy has no obligations. this guy has personal beef with like two random kids in his neighborhood. he has yet to grow a taste for calling superiors idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about. so as long as you actually tell him in plain terms “please do x” or “don’t do y because z” he’ll be fine. you tell this kid to set the table and he’s tripping over his feet putting the spoons and forks in the wrong places. also you’re just having chicken nuggets so i don’t even know why he did that. he didn’t grab plates.

do not mistake the above for him being a “good” kid because this just means he was unfortunately one of those horrible kids who are very polite in front of certain people and absolute monsters in front of those he doesn’t like. does that sound contradictory to the above bullet points? that’s just how children are. he was not a bully at any point in his life but he was so extreme with his ANTI bullying shit that he ended up in the principal’s office just as much, covered in bruises and star wars bandaids. all throughout his school years. he was still doing this shit in high school he’d overhear somebody being a douchebag and just push them off the bleachers. let ‘em fall 10 feet it builds character.