#girl who didnt realize september was already here!!!!!!!

[solanadium]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIFFRIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PROTAG EVER . BEAMS THEM AT YOU

[chikkou]

masterpost on the ryan haywood (and adam kovic) situation

so i already made this post as a more general “whats wrong with rooster teeth” post, as i honestly didnt expect the ryan haywood/adam kovic situation to go as far as it has - but at this point i think it’s much more prudent to put that information into its own post because the situation with both of these men, ryan primarily, has gone off the fucking rails 

tl;dr for the situation: ryan haywood and adam kovic both had nudes leak and were outed as cheating on their wives as a result of being catfished, but a great deal more information surfaced after the initial leak which led to the discovery that ryan haywood is a manipulative sexual predator, and adam kovic may have been sending sexual pictures and videos of his wife without her consent. 

i will try to break down this post chronologically as best i can and provide ample sources, and i will update it as new information is gathered. please be aware that many of these sources will be coming from kiwifarms, as it has gathered all of the relevant info into one place, but i will not be linking to the thread directly for a myriad of reasons, so if you want to find it, youll have to look for yourself. apologies if any of the screenshots contain disagreeable language; i wouldnt link them if they werent relevant.

general tw for pretty much everything in this post. all pictures of people will be largely sfw, but there will be nsfw text under the cut. i will not link to any nudes of ryan or adam. this is going to be long as fuck.

here goes.

NOTE: this post is currently up-to-date as of january 28th, 7:27 pm (EST). 

GENERAL BACKGROUND:

adam kovic and ryan haywood are both employees at the entertainment company rooster teeth. ryan has been working there since 2011, originally for more behind-the-scenes work before becoming a regular achievement hunter staple, while adam kovic was a personality who originally worked for machinima before he and a few others branched off to become funhaus. funhaus was later purchased by the media corporation fullscreen, as was rooster teeth, and both were merged sometime in 2014/2015. 

HOW THIS ALL BEGAN:

sometime in august, there were rumors circulating on certain forum sites that a catfisher had been sexting with a handful of e-celebs, and had their nudes. a torrent link was put up containing the files, but was quickly taken down. this didnt gain much traction, but was brought up again on the same forum in late september/early october. this time, the person posted images directly, showing that they’d been sexting with adam kovic and ryan haywood.

according to them, they didnt get very far with ryan and so there were only a small handful of his pictures and videos, but there were over 400 of adam’s nudes, also pictures and videos, and some of which featured his wife. after this news broke, a thread was made on kiwifarms to document everything (the thread was created on october 4th). another thread was made on /pol/ shortly before this, claiming that ryan was grooming underaged fans, and that both ryan and adam had sexted with fans (both of age and underage). no sources or corroboration for this claim were given at the time.

WEEK 1, DAY 1 (october 4th):

initially, most of the focus was on adam, due to the sheer number of his nudes and the content within them. while people were suspicious of the veracity of ryan’s nudes, it became clear that the photos of adam were legitimate, as his face was shown in several of them, there was no evidence of photoshopping, and he has a distinct tattoo which made it pretty hard to dispute. heres a more sfw picture as an example.

the catfish had all of these images on hand, and due to the “sent to you” header on top we know that they were sent directly to the catfish, and not taken from adam’s phone, meaning he willingly sent these images to the catfish. note that his wife was indeed almost naked in the background (wearing only underwear), and there are multiple pictures and videos of her completely naked and sometimes even engaging in sex with adam. after a bit of analysis, people came to the conclusion that the pictures of ryan were real, as well.

ADAM’S WIFE, JESS KOVIC:

no response came from him at first, nor his wife - the only indication she gave that she knew what had happened was this cryptic comment on her instagram account, which she has since privated. no one is quite clear what this reaction means, nor has she confirmed or denied whether she consented to the pictures and videos being taken and sent to others.

soon after, people who’d (puzzlingly) decided to sift through the nudes discovered something jarring - some of the nudes he’d sent appeared to have been taken IN the rooster teeth office. heres a sfw example, but there were at least a dozen others taken in the same location.

RYAN:

ryan’s nudes were largely ignored in the beginning - there were a great deal more of adam’s, and while ryan’s were pretty standard nudes, adam’s were much more plentiful and had a lot more variety in the... activities depicted, shall we say. people were also fixated on the status of his wife’s consent in the matter, and so little attention was given to ryan, who was simply deemed a cheater and left at that.

ROOSTER TEETH & THE FANBASE:

unsurprisingly, rt attempted to immediately suppress any and all mention of the scandal when it first broke. heres an image of a handful of threads that were made on r/roosterteeth that day; as you can see, the ones highlighted in red have been deleted, and all were about the leaks. comments on the official rt site were instantly deleted as well. no official comment from the company or any of the employees, though a former funhaus employee (rahul kohli) commented mocking adam for the situation, and implied that things were worse than we yet realized.

WEEK 1, DAY 2 (october 5th):

although adam had been the primary focus of the first day of the news breaking, it began to look like there was little else to discuss with him. at worst, he seemed to be a cheater, and potentially sent nudes of his wife without her permission. still disgusting, but as there was no comment from him and no new updates on his situation, attentions turned, and a slow rumble began bubbling up with more accusations about ryan.

ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS:

an anonymous twitter account, @brotherxteresa (whose account has since been suspended), claims to have been speaking to girls who’d been sexual with ryan. they state that everyone they’ve spoken to was of age - significantly younger than ryan, true, but still legally able to consent. however, they confirm that ryan has indeed been getting around with fans, both via sexting and in-person. he also strongly implies that the mods knew, and asks them to comment, but their responses are predictably vague. notably, though, is this tweet from @grandaddyskulls, in which they condemn “proven disgusting behavior,” heavily implying that the mods did indeed deal with “unproven” accusations against ryan in the past. unfortunately, there are no sources for this at this time.

on the same day, tumblr user @juggey creates this post, containing screenshots of a conversation they had with one of ryan’s victims. within those screenshots is this particularly interesting one, in which ryan receives a nude from the fan in question, only to ask, in an almost joking tone, if they “turned him into a felon” by sending a nude. they confirm that they are an adult, but it becomes clear that ryan did not know the age of the fan before getting sexual with them, and seems to have a very flippant and casual approach to this.

later on, this tweet is posted by @jasminewill123, confirming that ryan has indeed been messing with fans for years. no sources are posted, though, just a verbal confirmation. @brotherxteresa also reveals that he is speaking to someone who was solicited by ryan for sex when they were a minor in this tweet thread, but doesnt share any info, stating that the minor is saving it for a potential court case. there is also this tweet from someone stating that they slept with him in 2017, and that he claimed to have never had sex with a fan before and removed the condom mid-sex. once again, no corroboration for this just yet.

RT’S RESPONSE:

still mainly radio silence from the company, except for this tweet cancelling the days stream. replies on this post are locked almost instantly. rt also begins a quiet sweeping of all ryan and adam-centric content and videos, including a video of ryan reading “thirsty tweets” from fans, and straight up cut ryan out of certain videos (like a recent AHWU). some of these videos were archived, but we dont have a complete list of what was removed.

on the slightly less official side, r/roosterteeth issues a statement basically saying that any post attempting to discuss the leaks will be deleted immediately, and the people who post them will be reported (and likely banned).

WEEK 1, DAY 3 (october 6th):

we get our first confirmation of ryan having sexted a fan from @jasminewill123, in the form of this previously-unseen picture of ryan (it’s sfw but is clearly a cropped nude). rahul kohli again makes snide comments about adam and funhaus in general, but does not share any details of what he means. rumors spread that one of the former funhaus members, lawrence sonntag, has sent an email to his subscribers regarding adam kovic, but no evidence of that comes up yet. jess kovic posts this tweet plugging her online store, but still declines to comment on the situation. things are pretty quiet for a while, until finally, the first shoe drops.

TESSA GRAVES

at 4:13 pm, a woman named tessa graves posts this youtube video and links to it on her twitter account (with associated screenshots in the same thread). she discusses at length how she met ryan and when their relationship became sexual. 

as a brief summary of her video: they met at a con in 2017, when she had just turned 17, and started talking on snapchat. the relationship was platonic for a while until tessa accidentally sent him a picture meant for a friend in which her bra strap was visible. ryan began to flirt with her after this, and soon their relationship became sexual, with nudes being exchanged and dirty texts being sent. she states in the video that ryan did not know her age, nor did he ask for it. the two of them sexted and sent nudes on and off for two years, and planned to hook up in person, but it never came to fruition.

shortly after uploading the video, she posts this screen-recording of her snap messages with ryan, scrolling back through months and months of messages between them, all the way back to late 2017. the snapchat account is confirmed to be his, and the screen-recording proves to be incredibly compelling evidence. this is the first girl to come out and say that ryan was sexual with her when she was underage, and that she did send him nudes as a minor. on her twitter account, someone noticed that ryan was online in the video and inquired about it - tessa confirms that ryan messaged her when he saw her recording their chat, but declined to share what his message said.

RYAN’S TWEET

around an hour after tessa’s video was posted, ryan posts this tweet, announcing his departure from rt. he states that he “made mistakes,” acknowledging that the pictures and screenshots were real, but specifically insists that he “did nothing illegal,” a clear comment on tessa’s accusation. 

(he also asks people to stop harassing his family, but im unsure if the claim is true, as i personally have only seen people empathizing with his wife and children and no negative comments about them at all. he may be referring to people messaging his wife for comment on the situation, or he may just be straight up lying. given all hes done, the latter seems quite likely.)

people quickly begin speculating whether or not ryan was fired or quit of his own volition. personally, i believe the company offered him the option to either resign right then and there, or let them fire him publicly, and he chose the former. this is all speculation, though.

WEEK 1, DAY 4 (october 7th):

lawrence sonntag’s email to his subscribers finally gets leaked; it basically just says that hes grossed out and pissed off by what happened, and ends with the cryptic comment that “adam never washed his hands.” (he later stated that he meant this literally. EW!)

later the same day, adam privates his twitter account, and removes all references to rooster teeth and funhaus in his bio. shortly after, he unfollows everyone he was following and changes his icon and header to a black image. (basic public breakdown stuff, i suppose?) 

NEW LEAK TIMELINE:

it’s discovered that an anonymous twitter user, @d74840281, had messaged ryan and adam weeks before regarding these leaks on september 18th. they also accuse ryan, adam, and several other youtube personalities - alec paul, kootra, nenreaper, and dormstreams - of “grooming the same minor.” (i dont know any of those people, but it seems relevant so i added it.)

it’s also revealed that the r/funhaus subreddit was aware of the leaks 2 weeks beforehand, meaning that the info was successfully suppressed until october 4th, and that it was likely well-known by all funhaus members and probably general rt staff, as well.

RT’S RESPONSE:

the official rt account on roosterteeth.com posts this update to their programming schedule, cancelling several rttv programs, putting both achievement hunter and funhaus on a week long break, and delaying the premiere of two new shows (”rvb zero” and “grudge night”)

not long after, they post these tweets stating that they have “parted ways” with both adam and ryan, confirming that both men are no longer rt employees. they are deliberately vague about whether the men were fired or quit, but given the responses from both, i think ryan likely chose to resign instead of be fired, and adam was probably just fired outright. 

RYAN’S MODS:

you may recall that, on the second day, the question of whether the mods knew about ryan’s doings was posed. their answers were, of course, extremely vague, but one of them in particular strongly implied that the mods had dealt with some kind of accusation against ryan in the past and either ignored or actively suppressed it. well, sure enough, two of the mods (@grandaddyskulls and @ohdeerbambi/) post tweets admitting that they knew the entire time. 

specifically, they state that someone came forward with accusations of ryan behaving inappropriately two years ago (2018), coupled with screenshots. the mods confronted ryan about this, and when ryan (predictably) lied about it, they decided to drop it instead of pursuing it further. 

ADAM’S TWEET:

at 10:49 pm, adam finally speaks up with a post on twitter, formally stating that he is leaving funhaus. he apologizes to his coworkers and fans, but primarily apologizes to his wife, stating that he has “upturned her life.” he describes the events thus far as an “unbelievable breach of privacy and peeling back of [his] life,” and says that he is stepping away in order to focus on repairing his relationship with his wife and working on himself. 

while we still have no confirmation on whether his wife consented to having those pictures and videos taken, we know with a good amount of certainty now that she did not consent to having them sent to others. this would likely qualify as revenge (or otherwise non-consensual) porn in the state of california, so if she pressed charges, adam would likely see jail time.

CAST MEMBERS REACT:

the first direct response from cast members come from michael, jeremy, and lindsay, stating their feelings of anger and betrayal, and strongly implying that none of them were aware of the goings-on. (while they definitely HAVE to say this cookie-cutter stuff for the sake of their image, i will say that theres really not much else a person can say in a situation like this while still being professional. i do tentatively believe all three of them, with the most doubt on michael.)  

at this time, lawrence sonntag unfollows ryan, as do gus and lindsay. interestingly, the first person ryan unfollows himself is lindsay - this could potentially mean that lindsay actually blocked him, which forces the other person to unfollow.

WEEK 1, DAY 5 (october 8th):

at this point, discussion of adam kovic all but tapers off. he has gone full radio silent, and no one has come out with any more stories about him, so it seems very likely that his wrongdoings begin and end with the initial sexting and sending nudes of his wife. the conversation begins to turn to focus on ryan in earnest.

RYAN’S WIFE:

a reddit post (that is sadly deleted now) is uncovered from 3 months ago that reveals he and his wife have been sleeping in separate rooms for some time - we’re unsure exactly how long, but most people who’ve mentioned it have said it started in may. according to ryan, this was because his wife was exposed to covid at her job, but the quarantine period for covid is only 2 weeks - why would they be sleeping in separate rooms for so long when they clearly were not doing so before?

it is speculated that his wife may have somehow learned of ryan’s dalliances, as he was also seen without his wedding ring in streams much more often around the same time. it is unknown exactly why, though, so take this with a grain of salt.

MORE ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS:

a deleted user on reddit makes a post stating that they, too, sexted with ryan while they were also married. their husband found out and threatened to leak the info, but the user was able to convince him not to do so and he - according to op - deleted what proof he had. although the original post is now deleted, a pinned moderator comment on it states that the user provided proof corroborating the story in private. you can read a copy-pasted version of that story here. (apologies if it’s out of order.)

MORE CAST MEMBER COMMENTARY:

a list of all known cast member statements can be found here. it’s pretty comprehensive, but there are some i want to address here directly:

lindsay snaps at someone who tries to call her out for “not supporting her family” (meaning ryan). this, for me, is the big reason why i feel that she, at the very least, is being sincere.

blaine posts this.... weird video of him working out and captions it “me figuring out how to convert anxiety into energy.” i guess it’s supposed to be somewhat of a mood lightener, but honestly it just feels kind of trivializing to me. idk what he was thinking LMAO

aaron marquis makes this... interesting (and vague) comment. no further elaboration on it, but it’s definitely unique in comparison to many others.

meg’s statement strikes me as particularly devoid of sincerity. it may just be confirmation bias, but i just feel like it’s incredibly hollow in comparison to the others (which are also kind of hollow LMAO).

joel heyman, who was fired from rt not long ago, doesnt comment directly, but does like this tweet which calls him “the only non-degenerate connected to rt.” (OCT. 12 EDIT: he has since posted this tweet with no context, but i think it’s pretty clear what hes referring to.)

tina dayton, streamer and wife of ray, posts this tweet letting people know that mentioning the ryan/adam situation to ray in streams will not be tolerated. (OCT. 21 EDIT: she posts this tweet a few days later, on october 15th, decrying anyone who wants to play “devils advocate” in support of an abuser against their victim.)

JAN 30 EDIT: this is very late, but sometime on or before january 6th, alfredo briefly discussed the ryan haywood situation on his stream and berated those who still support him. his closing statement is the perfect summation of all of these events: fuck ryan haywood.

WEEK 1, DAY 6 (october 9th):

adam kovic deletes his twitter account, and all other public social media. this is the last piece of relevant adam kovic information for several months to come.

MICHELLE VOLOGS

at 11:26 am, a twitter user named @MichelleVologs posts this tweet, containing a link to this video, called “what you need to know about ryan haywood,” in which she asserts - with proof - that she and ryan had sex on september 23rd 2017, when she was 17 years old.

brief summary: they began talking when she was 17 and dm’d him on instagram. it was platonic at first, but he began flirting with her and trying to sext with her, at which point she inquired about the nature of his relationship with his wife. he insisted that they were in a “sexless marriage” because his wife hates sex, and that he needed to seek it out elsewhere. (we have no idea if this is even remotely true - the only source claiming this is ryan himself.) they sexted for a while, then eventually met up in california and had sex in person (and much like the story that @jasminewill123 told, ryan removed the condom in the middle of sex). when michelle told ryan that she was underage, he simply stated that it was okay and that he “trusted her.” 

she shows screenshots throughout the video of their instagram dms, as well as some candid shots of ryan in their hotel room. (people have speculated that the latter two pictures may be ryan removing his wedding ring.) this picture also proves that they definitely met in person. take note of the fact that, in the dms, michelle keeps the conversation very platonic and professional - ryan is the one to initiate the sexual talk, and with zero prompting.

on top of this, michelle is also the first person to posit the idea that ryan deliberately chose to pursue young girls with mental health issues, a notion that will crop up again later.

EVEN MORE ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS

a reddit user by the name of “klowbie-frenzy” states that they, too, were victimized by ryan, though they dont publicly share their story or any particular info. they are encouraged to go to rt directly.

WEEK 1, DAY 7 (october 10th):

ryan begins deleting tweets, but other than that is completely radio silent. people analyzing ryan’s instagram notice this post, made on september 24th 2017 - the day after he and michelle had sex. sure enough, he is still in LA as he was the day before, and michelle herself comments on the post in a clear reference to the events of the day before, reasserting that she is telling the truth.

LEIGH:

yet another girl, leigh, comes forward and says she was sexually involved with ryan. she posts this (very long) document to her twitter account @leigh__sucks, which details the entirety of her relationship with ryan. unlike tessa and michelle, leigh was over 18 during the course of her experience with ryan (she was 20 when they first started talking).

brief summary of the document: she started messaging ryan on snapchat in 2017, and it remained platonic until february 2018, when they exchanged nudes for the first time. they sexted for a while, until hooking up for the first time at rtx 2018. leigh told someone she knew about the encounter, and this person began harassing leigh and ryan about it, threatening to tell his wife and leaving nasty comments on ryan’s stream. eventually the person backed off, and ryan and leigh continued sexting and meeting up for sex, on and off. according to her, they sexted as recently as september 2020.

this story is MUCH different than tessa’s and michelle’s, as leigh was still engaging with ryan fairly actively until only a month ago, and had a different perspective as an adult than the two underaged girls would have had. still, she is absolutely correct that ryan held a similar power over her due to his celebrity status, and that he took advantage of this.

she also provides screenshots and pictures of the two of them in the thread. although it is all VERY convincing - as if everything else hes done wasnt enough - theres something particularly unique in her thread, which is these screenshots of payments sent to her by ryan, under the name “sorta malicious gaming.” why is ryan sending leigh money under this name relevant? well...

RYAN’S DONATIONS:

one of ryan’s mods reveals that the email ryan used to send this money was connected to his stream. according to ryan, the money he received from twitch donations and bits went to his children’s college funds, or any necessary big-ticket expenditures like home repairs - however, as we can see here, that was a complete lie. this means that all donations he received, which he claimed went to taking care of himself and his family, were actually being spent on gifts and plane tickets for the girls he was hooking up with. im not sure if he could get into any legal trouble here - im doubtful, since they are donations - but this is just another way he took advantage of his fans, only this time is financial instead of sexual. and speaking of taking advantage of fans...

RYAN “VENTS” TO LEIGH:

shortly after posting her document, leigh added an update to say that ryan had redownloaded snapchat and that she’d immediately began taking screenshots. surprisingly, ryan messaged her and asked if she’d speak with him. leigh agreed (for the purpose of getting more screenshots, according to her), and ryan began talking about how his marriage and career were over, how he never meant to victimize anyone, and that the girls coming out would rather “make him the bad guy” than accept that theyd slept with him willingly. 

leigh mentions that it occurred to her how ryan would always cast doubt on any rumors by claiming that whatever girl hed been involved with was “crazy,” and notes that he did the same to her, all while calling her his “friend.” this will be relevant again later. 

ryan goes on to point the finger at leigh specifically, saying that he ‌“still‌ ‌didn’t‌ ‌know‌ ‌if‌ ‌[she] ‌was‌ ‌going‌ ‌to‌ ‌add‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌fire‌ ‌at‌ ‌this‌ ‌point,”‌ ‌and‌ ‌how‌ ‌he‌ ‌“hoped‌ ‌[she wouldn’t]‌ ‌for‌ ‌his‌ ‌kids’‌ ‌sake.” all the while, leigh notes that he was deleting messages, proving to her that ryan was more fixated on his image and manipulating her into doing what HE wanted, rather than doing the right thing. here are screenshots of the conversation between leigh and ryan, and here are some clearer photos (as some are a bit blurry due to being taken on another phone).

WEEK 2, DAY 1 (october 11th):

this day is mostly quiet as people attempt to digest the absurd influx of information from the days prior, as well as the huge bombshell dropped by leigh in particular. 

RYAN’S DISCORD SERVER:

it’s discovered that ryan likely found out about the leaks very early on (either the very first day, or the day of tessa’s accusation), because he was noted as being online in his discord server, which he apparently rarely used.

the users in his discord server immediately disown him upon learning of his preying on minors, and assert that the server is now a general server instead of a ryan haywood server.

YOU GUESSED IT - MORE ANONYMOUS ACCUSATIONS:

this tweet thread is made by @trickstress_ stating that, while working with “the madhouse” (not exactly sure what this is, but it seems like some kind of ryan-themed community server), they attempted to get ryan to address a situation occurring behind the scenes in which someone was being bullied and harassed by other members. when ryan is sent five pages of screenshots and evidence, he basically says that screenshots are not proof and that the victim simply “wanted” to be offended. this caused trick and a few others to leave the madhouse.

in the same screenshot, he mentions a situation involving another certain user that he is dealing with (the name of the person in question is redacted in blue), and trick speculates that the person in blue may be another one of ryan’s victims.

meanwhile, twitter user @eacalpreon (whose account appears to be deleted) states that they uncovered this tumblr post from august 25th, 2019, about someone who spotted ryan at an austin hotel they used to work at, entering a hotel room booked by someone that was certainly NOT his wife. at the time of posting, this was simply brushed off as speculation and ignored.

KAYLA:

at 10:03 am, this tweet is posted by @HADERSRICHIE/, detailing yet another story of their encounters with ryan. unlike other stories, kayla unfortunately does not have any screenshot evidence due to losing it all after unfriending ryan from snapchat in 2018 - but in all honesty, at this point we know hes guilty, so that part is not as relevant.

brief summary of the document: the two began talking on snapchat in february 2017, but they didnt begin talking regularly until june 2017, after kayla had moved to austin (for non-related reasons). kayla reveals that she is the user from trick’s tweet thread that was bullied out of the madhouse, and that ryan was not only unhelpful, but was actively telling people that she was a “crazy psycho.” she also backs up the idea that ryan seemed to deliberately target girls with mental health issues. in late 2017/early 2018, the two “make up” and ryan initiates sexual talk. within the first day of flirting, ryan sends kayla a dick pic. the two sexted for a while, and eventually did hook up in person. they hooked up 3 times in total before kayla unfriended ryan on snapchat and ceased all communication with him. 

unlike other cases, kayla was of age (23/24) when this all went down. later on, trick confirms on reddit that kayla was indeed the person from her tweet thread whose name was censored in blue.

DOT:

at 3:37 pm, this tweet thread is posted by @alijdotroro stating that she was also involved with ryan for a few months. her thread is fairly short, and she states that they never had sex in person or anything to the same extent as some of the others - he flirted with her for the first time while she was at a concert, it continued for several months, then he got bored and stopped it. dot was unable to provide screenshots as she had deleted her snapchat. 

JACK’S STATEMENT:

jack pattillo posts this tweet at 8:16 pm, containing this document regarding the ryan (and adam) situation. he first addresses his feelings of anger, betrayal, and guilt, stating that he feels somewhat responsible as he helped to create the same platform that ryan abused. he goes on to thank everyone who has had kind words for him and the other rt staff, and states that while he knows everyone handles rough situations differently, he hopes that people can understand his desire to think positively. he goes on to say that he knows it will be difficult for fans to trust rt going forward, but that he hopes they will give rt another chance and that they (rt) “will be better - [they] have to be.” 

as far as all of the statements go, in my opinion, this one is the most sincere of all (although lindsay’s is definitely the most sincere for me) - jack clearly wrote this himself instead of using standard “shocked” quotes as many of the other rt cast did, and while it is definitely very damage control-y, i can easily tell that he, at the very least, is taking the matter seriously. this doesnt necessarily mean that jack 100% didnt know, but at this point i am inclined to believe that he didnt.

WEEK 2, DAY 2 (october 12th):

twitter user @fantaisieally discusses her own experiences with ryan haywood; they chatted on snapchat starting in 2017, she would often go to him for dating advice, and while ryan finally tried to hit on her, he got completely deaded when she told him that he was “like her older brother.” honestly this one is just really funny to me, like she completely curved his ass and he had to flounder talking about “i was JOKING lol just a joke!” it’s pretty glorious after all this terrible shit.

someone on reddit notes that after ally turns him down, ryan doesnt apologize or anything, but instead continues the “joke” in such a way that prompts her to accept his offer while still giving him plausible deniability. (that phrase is going to come up quite a bit with regard to his overall “strategy.”)

KATIE B:

at 9:08 am, twitter user @frizzical/ posts this tweet thread, documenting her own relationship with ryan. she states that, while their relationship thankfully never turned sexual, ryan absolutely attempted to groom her into sex and even mentioned her to another girl, saying he wanted a threesome with both of them.

brief summary of the document: katie started watching his streams when she was 17, and ryan knew her by name very quickly. they started talking on snapchat shortly after she turned 18, and although it was generally rt-related, one day she reached out asking for advice on a personal situation that ryan was incredibly helpful with, leading to them talking semi-regularly. they talked about katie’s abusive home life and mental health issues, and while things were mostly platonic, ryan would sometimes drop inappropriate questions in, such as if katie was a virgin and what her sexuality was. when katie hit hard financial times, ryan attempted multiple times to send her money, and when katie refused to take charity, he would make a “joke” about having her pay it off with sex.

eventually ryan forced her to accept the money, stating that he would no longer speak to her if she didnt. ryan was katie’s main support system, and so she felt she had no choice but to accept it. she states that he sent her $1000 in total, all of which came from his twitch’s paypal. he also actively tried to turn katie against her best friend - kayla, who was the other victim mentioned on week 2, day 1 (october 11th) - by telling her that kayla was crazy, but this did not work. in 2019, katie moved in with ryan’s mod bambi, and ryan very suddenly cut off contact completely. ryan and katie got back in contact as recently as earlier this week, and when she began taking screenshots of their snap conversations, ryan dm’d her on twitter to confront her about it, further trying to manipulate her. she ends with a message of support for the other girls. 

the messages ryan sent katie are viewable in the thread, but i would like to link them directly here to show how he manipulates victims. notice how he once again pins the blame on the victim for taking screenshots, instead of himself for being a fucking creep. 

RT’S RESPONSE:

they’ve been pretty quiet the last few days, but someone noticed that the off topic podcast episode #177 has been removed from iOS podcasts. this episode is the one where the guys discuss ryan’s habit of leaving business trips a day late. i find it extremely interesting that the company is claiming ignorance of the situation, yet would remove this VERY key piece of information in the process.

OFF TOPIC #177

i originally just had this as a bulletpoint in the miscellanous info section, but decided to move it to its own segment because it is actually quite significant to this story. in this video, michael, jeremy, gavin, ray, geoff, and andy blanchard discuss ryan’s habit of always leaving business trips a day late.

quick description: michael brings up a conversation he had with ryan about staying an extra day on business trips, and paraphrases ryan as saying that he prefers to stay away longer because “[his wife] isnt gonna watch [the kids], im not gonna get a fucking second at home.” michael then states that theyve “gotten to the bottom of this,” that ryan just wants to sleep before “going home to that nightmare.” 

as michael is talking, geoff and jeremy both go quiet and look very pensive and glassy-eyed, while ray tries to joke that the quote was a “cry for help from ryan” but immediately frowns after saying so. gavin, jeremy, and andy are completely quiet for the entire second half of the video. michael tries to paper over it by saying that ryan loves his kids very much as evidenced by their frequent appearances in his streams, but a visibly-uncomfortable ray makes another “joke” that having his kids appear in his videos is “easy money.”

then there is a VERY awkward silence in which everyone looks super uncomfortable, jeremy takes a massive gulp of his drink, ray has his hand over his mouth as he stares hard at michael and shakes his head repeatedly (as if telling him to stop talking), and geoff lets out a HUGE sigh, as if he’s just realized something terrible. michael ends the clip with the comment that they didnt “jack” ryan, meaning that they werent making fun of ryan to have him come on the podcast and defend himself. (OCT. 12 EDIT: thanks to @juggey for clarifying this!) although it’s not included in this short clip, the full podcast shows that the incredibly tense moment is cut by fiona nova immediately walking on set with a puppy out of nowhere. very fucking weird.

while it is largely circumstantial, i find this clip is extremely telling, and i think this is the moment where they realized that something was going on with ryan’s homelife (either they recognized that the real reason he wanted to stay behind was to cheat, or they’d simply put together that he was not happy at home for whatever reason). the fact that this off topic is one of the only ones to have been taken down also really strikes me as important.

ALISON

at 2:31 pm, twitter user @adothop posted some screenshots of conversations between herself and ryan. they did not have a sexual relationship, but looks like ryan tried hard (and failed hard LMAO) at flirting with her, to no avail. not much else to say about this one - it’s pretty straightforward.

RYAN’S STATEMENT

at 7:48 pm (around the same time i uploaded this post, lmao), ryan posted this statement on his twitter account, discussing the events of this past week. he takes full accountability for his actions, stating that he abused his position and crossed the line as a public figure, while also asking that people stop harassing his family. the statement’s about as cookie cutter as it can get - after all, what can a person really say to absolve themselves after being outed as doing so much horrid stuff?

i again am skeptical of the claim that his family is being harassed, though i dont doubt that people are harassing HIM directly, but in any case it’s as much of a non-apology as one might expect. he even tries to shift blame by saying he “always came from a place of what [he] thought was a shared connection.” it’s boilerplate bullshit, as usual.

ANOTHER RH STORY ANON

sometime around 9 pm, a reddit user going by r/anotherrhstoryanon (i will call them anon for short) put this post on the r/roosterteeth subreddit, and linked to a 30 page google doc detailing their relationship with ryan. the timeline of this one is very difficult to parse, but i will do my best to lay it out clearly. particular tw for this story - it describes in detail sexual abuse, physical abuse, and features ddlg heavily throughout. i will not be linking any images directly - please view the doc for those.

(not-so)-brief summary: im not certain of when ryan and anon originally started talking, but the earliest message shown in their conversation is from december 2016, and the first time they met up in person was april 2017. they were “together” for at least a year, as anon states that it took them until march 2018 to begin distancing themselves from ryan. their relationship was HEAVILY steeped in dd/lg culture - ryan almost solely referred to anon as names like “little girl,” “baby girl,” even calls them “kiddo” in the VERY FIRST SCREENSHOT and asks if theyve ever been with an older man. given that he already dipped below the age of consent twice (that we know of - we currently do not know the age of this anon), this is a very horrifying start.

anon admits pretty early on - to both ryan (in the screenshots) and the reader - that they were very intimidated by him, and felt a sort of compulsion to do as he ordered. but as they say quite clearly, they realized soon into their “relationship” that even though they wanted to please ryan so he’d like them, they hated having sex with him, hated BEING sexual with him, and just generally hated being with him. although they enjoyed sex the first time, they note that sex with ryan was rough and painful every time after, leading to them tearing more than once and bleeding EVERY time, and sometimes causing them to be unable to sit or walk after. 

ryan not only ignored anon every time they asked him to be more gentle, but seemed to get off on it, making comments about how they “needed more abuse” or that they “had to work up to it.” on top of all this, ryan would not wear a condom while having sex with anon, and lied to them about them being the only fan he was having sex with - which they believed until august 2020, more than two years later, when ryan said there was “one other fan.” in actuality, ryan had been sleeping with multiple girls and often removing the condom during sex, a fact well-documented here. 

anon ends the document by tying their story to several other known facts, to show the pattern of ryan’s behavior, and sharing some other pertinent info. some of these include:

- a picture of them taken in a hotel room mirror, in an identical room and position to the picture leigh took. 

- this video, at timestamp 8:27, of the off topic podcast #87. in this short moment, ryan idly licks a cupcake. anon shows a screenshot in which ryan messaged her and admitted that he was thinking about her while he was licking it. 

- screenshots of ryan attempting (again with limited success) to give anon money or buy them presents. anon was resistant to this, as katie had been, but ryan managed to convince them to accept a remote controlled sex toy. later in the same exchange, he uses the term “plausible deniability” again. there is a reason this keeps cropping up - he very likely used the phrase often.

- a screenshot of anon telling ryan point blank that the power dynamic between them was imbalanced. this message is dated may 23rd, 2020 - and around june 12th, 2020 was leigh’s exchange with ryan, in which he tells leigh that he is older and “some kind of quasi-internet person,” and is worried this will influence her.

- screenshots of ryan admitting to choking anon without their permission. according to anon, this was not the first time he did something to them without permission, and it wasnt even the non-consensual act anon was referring to when they brought it up. i sincerely cannot overstate my fucking disgust here.

there is a lot more i can get into here, but im going to cut it off here for the sake of brevity (and out of disgust, honestly). please consider reading all 30 pages, if you can stomach it - it truly is even worse than it sounds. theres a reason i didnt link to any of their messages directly.

WEEK 2, DAY 3 (october 13th):

sometime earlier in the week (im not sure when, as the “adam kovic” aspect of the story has been pretty much lost the plot), jess kovic deletes her twitter account. the reason why is pretty easy to guess. then, sometime today, it’s discovered that she has also deleted all posts containing pictures of adam on her instagram account.

(JAN 30 EDIT: this was originally an archive link which showed all of the most recent posts on jess’s insta, of which quite a few adam ones had been deleted [i saw it myself the day it was posted]. unfortunately, it appears the archive was taken down, so ive replaced the original link with a screenshot from kiwifarms of the first person to mention it on the thread. i know thats not amazing proof, but sadly its the best i can do.)

this all but confirms that jess did not consent to having those pictures/videos sent to other people, if she consented to having them taken at all, and this makes adams actions even more disgusting than we initially believed them to be.

RH ANON PT. 2:

people are still reeling from the absolutely horrendous document released the day before (oct. 12) when anon posts a short update on the very last page of the doc, which you can read here. they clear up some points that people were confused on; most are not relevant for our purposes, but the biggest one is that anon confirms they were NOT underage during their “relationship” with ryan and that he knew this. 

anon also confirms that ryan deliberately lied about the circumstances of their “relationship” in order to keep them from backing out of it, as he knew they would not want to proceed with a sexual relationship if he admitted the truth. based on context, i am taking this to mean that he lied about not sleeping with anyone else, and about wearing condoms if he did. 

MEGASHINY:

at 3:04 pm, ryan’s mod meg (who i will be calling by her username, megashiny, for the sake of clarity) posts this tweet, which contains a link to this document. in this document, she admits that ryan took advantage of his position over her (as, being his mod, she was basically his employee) and started sending her nudes without consent in september 2017 (she says it was a sunday, so either the 6th, 13th, 20th, or 27th - notice the proximity to his encounters with michelle and tessa). 

brief summary: he played the same card he had with the others, talking about his sexless marriage, and convinced megashiny to sleep with him. when she asked him point blank how many other girls he was involved with, he lied and said only one or two - as we clearly note, there were many, many more than that. she did not want to sleep with him, but like anon from yesterday, felt compelled to do what he asked. even when megashiny tried to say no to a sex act he wanted to do, he told her he “knew how to make her say yes.” he also knew about her having adhd and anxiety, and in conjunction with the other girls, strikes me as yet another continuation of his pattern of targeting mentally ill and neurodivergent women and girls.

while megashiny was somewhat close in age to ryan (she was 28 at the time), if youll notice in her picture, she is quite thin and small in stature - both of which contribute to her looking pretty young. while i do believe ryan knew her age, it would not surprise me if he pursued her because she had the APPEARANCE of being in her late teens.

megashiny posts an update later the same day, detailing the exact method weve seen happen with the other girls before - ryan would “throw all this attention and praise at [them], make [them] feel special,” only to “basically ghost [them].” this left the girls feeling like theyd done something wrong, but in actuality, it was all part of his plan to keep them dependent on and obedient to him. these same patterns crop up in every story, no matter the variables.

she also admits that she essentially helped ryan with his “sexcapades” by either covering for him, encouraging the girls to sleep with him, or just generally keeping her mouth shut regarding what she knew about them. (this part is very vaguely described, so i can only surmise what she means specifically, but i do think this is essentially what she is saying.) shortly after she posted this, ryan called her and begged her for over an hour to not divulge anymore information, and to “think of his wife and kids.” 

RYAN BEGINS MESSAGING VICTIMS: 

at 7:04 pm, michelle posts this tweet, with the caption “how it started vs how it ended (hopefully, and please stop harassing me)” and two pictures. the first picture is of her first exchange with ryan on instagram; the second picture is a more recent message from ryan (not sure exactly what day it was received, but as it still shows his old icon, it is definitely a few days old), begging her to take down her video and tweets and to “think about his kids.” (brief tw for suicide mention in the next two paragraphs.)

he even goes so far as to strongly imply that he is going to kill himself, telling michelle that he is “going to die” and that “he will die for this if you [michelle] want.” from the statement michelle made, it seems likely that he has sent her similar messages over the course of the last week. michelle must have blocked him on his original account, because he then made this throwaway account and dm’d her again, repeating the same sort of rhetoric and begging her to remove her statements “for his kids.”

in the same tweet thread, another victim, ileena (who was shown accusing ryan very early on in a previous screenshot) posts an old screenshot of a conversation between her and ryan, in which she is actively suicidal and ryan begs her not to kill herself because “practically there’s no way they wouldnt investigate and figure out you and i had stuff going on.” he straight up tells her that he doesnt want her to die because their affair will be discovered.

(note: ileena’s original screenshot contains a full, unblocked number that could potentially belong to ryan - but DO NOT CONTACT THIS NUMBER. he is a disgusting monster, but it is not anyone’s place to needlessly antagonize him, and we dont even know that that is his actual number to begin with. i am only putting this disclaimer because the screenshot is easily viewable in the thread; i wouldnt even mention it otherwise.) 

CAS:

not long after midnight, @slayercas/ (who i will refer to as “cas” for short) posts this cryptic tweet, strongly hinting at needing to say something important, but being scared to do so due to a lack of evidence - the surrounding tweets are all about ryan haywood, making it highly likely they are alluding to having been one of his victims. approximately 4 hours later, they received this message from a throwaway account, ostensibly owned by ryan.

notably, though, is the fact that this is NOT the same throwaway account which ryan was messaging michelle from - the account michelle was messaged from is @pleaseR73880233, while the account cas was messaged from, although the name is partially obscured, ends with the number “7384736.” no confirmation on cas’s claim, nor whether the account is truly ryan’s. 

(OCT. 14 EDIT: the full name seems to be @pleaseR27384736, which originally led to this cryptically bereft page. note the join date, amount of tweets, and amount of followers - the account was in use for quite some time, and may have had a different username before messaging cas. someone also takes note of the fact that there was an intern named “amber” who worked at rooster teeth years ago, but so far no connection has been made between the name and anyone else. 

sadly, this account has since been deleted, so no proper analysis of who it is following and who follows it can be done. the username has since been taken and the account replaced with this - take their personal opinion with a grain of salt.)   

MJ:

at 9:21 am, twitter user @mjmills_ posts these tweets containing these screenshots of a recent conversation with ryan. although she declines to share her story right then, she notes that ryan has been taking screenshots of their old conversations, a statement which causes ryan to message her asking “where [she is] on the hate meter” and once again trying to manipulate her. although nothing is forthcoming right away, this will pop up again later.

WEEK 2, DAY 4  (october 14th):

rt’s community manager, jackie izawa, announces her departure from the company. i cant even imagine how much shit she was inundated with after this news broke, but given that she explicitly mentions her mental health being a factor in her decision, im willing to bet it was a lot.

joel heyman also posts this incredibly eyebrow-raising tweet, clearly accusing rt staff of having known full well about ryan’s actions ahead of time. given that he was fired not long ago, it is entirely possible that he is just stirring the pot - but as he is a former rt founder, there may be some truth to his claim. if it IS true, however, then it reflects just as poorly on him, as it means that he ALSO knew about ryan and did nothing.

RYAN’S SOCIAL MEDIA:

sometime in the morning (before 11 am), ryan deletes his twitter account and his instagram. the throwaway account that was used to message michelle is also deleted around the same time, making it highly likely that it did indeed belong to ryan.

interestingly, the account that messaged cas is not deleted until much later (somewhere around 1:30-2 pm), and not before sending some more harassing messages. note the final message which says that “[his] family can’t handle another story coming out.” this strongly implies that there are even more girls than we’ve already seen - and counting every single accusation we know of, not just confirmed ones, we’ve already gotten somewhere between 10-15 girls.  

CAS PT. 2:

after some more messages from the potential ryan account, cas posts this follow-up tweet to clarify some points. she states clearly that she was NOT underage, and lives local to austin, which would explain both her fears about speaking out and how she could have encountered ryan. 

JACK AND MICHAEL:

in the early afternoon, jack and michael go live on youtube to do a stream together - but first, the monumental task of discussing ryan. (OCT. 14 EDIT: the original video was privated almost immediately after its conclusion; here is a reupload. it is sadly missing quite a few moments due to the site crashing periodically, but the majority of their conversation is there.) 

some key bits from the conversation:

- the first minute or so, both jack and michael have difficulty speaking, and stutter/stop short quite a bit before jack finally begins to talk in earnest. jack expresses disgust and regret immediately, apologizing to the community for “letting [them] down,” and thanks people who have been supportive to the victims and rt staff.

- michael point blank states that the achievement hunter staff - and probably more, also - were put into “counseling.” he does not specify whether he means LEGAL counseling or EMOTIONAL counseling, but given the way both he and jack act throughout the video, im all but certain that it’s the latter.

- jack asks that people not bother geoff, as he is “going through his own stuff,” and strongly implies that the situation with ryan has thrown him for a massive loop and possibly sent him into a downward spiral.

- michael states that they will NOT be discussing ryan at all during off-topic, and notes that they no longer want to even mention his name, let alone spend time talking about him at length (and, indeed, they do not address him by name in the video even once - jack mainly refers to him as “that guy” or “that monster,” while michael only refers to ryan as “he” or “him”). i personally am in pretty strong disagreement with the way theyve chosen to approach this, but i can understand the reasoning behind it.

- jack announces the return of rt extra life, and states that they will be doing a full week of 12 hour streams instead of one 24 hour stream “to make up for all the shit that happened this year.” 

- this is a small moment, and COMPLETE conjecture on my part, but i noticed it pretty quickly; at timestamp 14:15, when michael’s child cries off-screen, he slightly turns toward that direction, then seems to suddenly get upset and turns his face away from the camera, so his hair and hat obscure most of his profile. he seems to take a hard swallow, bites his lip (which is quivering), and rubs his face hard before turning back toward the camera. all of these things in conjunction make it seem that he was biting back tears, or otherwise chasing away some bad thought (possibly about ryan’s kids?).  

while i, as always, remain skeptical that no one knew about ryan, i do have to admit that this video is extremely saddening to watch. jack is audibly on the verge of tears for the entire 20-minute video, and michael looks absolutely miserable from beginning to end, as well - his hair is visibly unkempt under his hat, and his face is contorted into a grimace pretty much the whole time, all of which speaks to a sincere depressive state. in any case, rt as a whole has been well and truly fucked by this series of events.

SURVIVORS OF RYAN PT. 1:

earlier in the day, the twitter account @survivorsofryan (run by katie) received these dms from an anonymous account, stating that they were involved with ryan many years ago, around 2004/2005, and that he was still dating his girlfriend (now wife) at that time. they conclude that he has been cheating on her since at least 2004, possibly even earlier than that. note that this anonymous person also fits into ryan’s “preferred” age range of 18 or just over 18, while ryan was in his mid 20s at the time.

RYAN’S MODS 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO:

all of ryan’s mods (katie, bambi, freckles, and more) have their mod powers removed from his youtube and twitch channels. freckles posits an excellent question - why would he remove their mod powers instead of just simply deleting both accounts?

there arent many answers i can think of other than the obvious one - that ryan sincerely plans to return to his online career once this “blows over.” his entitlement is absolutely unthinkable.

ASTRID ROSE:

at 7:01 pm, twitter user @astridrose_20 posts this tweet containing this document, detailing her relationship with ryan. (tw for sexual abuse.) 

summary: their first contact was in late 2018, when astrid was 18. she reached out to him to thank him for his positive content and mentioned her mental health struggle and abusive home life, and ryan responded in a kind way and comforted her. they had a friendly, platonic relationship for a short while, but he soon became suggestive. initially, astrid shut down his advances due to viewing him as a father figure, but was scared that he would sever contact should she not acquiesce. feeling indebted to him for his kindness, astrid rose eventually accepted his advances. 

they sexted for some time until meeting in person in 2019. astrid told ryan she was a virgin and was not on birth control, but ryan assured her he would wear a condom. ryan was, as many girls before have mentioned, very rough and gave her no time to adjust, and removed the condom halfway through sex in spite of astrid telling him she did not want him to. much like the r/roosterteeth anon mentioned, ryan was very rough, and astrid could hardly walk after.

they met up 10 more times after this, and every meeting eventually went this way - astrid could not take pill-form bc due to it making her feel unwell, so every time ryan would promise to wear a condom, and every time he would remove it in the middle of sex. astrid also states that, like the r/roosterteeth anon, ryan did things “similar” to the choking he did to that anon, but astrid did not want to specify any more than this. 

eventually, as a result of her trauma, astrid began binge eating and gained weight. ryan apparently lost interest in her due to this and cut all contact with her, at which point she deleted all their messages and other forms of contact. 

although the story does not have any corroborating evidence, this lines up extremely well with what we have already learned about ryan, and i cant really find myself doubting any bit of it, as it all seems to fit very clearly into the picture. 

KRISTEN M/TATS:

at 8:21 pm, a community member by the name of kristen (nicknamed tats by the community - i will be referring to her as “tats”) posts this tweet containing yet another story about ryan. the story is thankfully not as horrific as some of the others, but is elucidating nonetheless.

brief summary: tats first reached out to ryan in 2013, as she had just founded the blog “fuckyeahrtfanfic” (which is exactly what it sounds like) and wanted to do a q&a with some rt cast members. ryan agreed, and after the q&a she and ryan both kept up contact. tats notes that, while ryan definitely started their relationship off similarly to that of the other girls (being kind and sweet, helping them with emotional problems, sending gifts and other such things, then progressing to sexually suggestive comments and “jokes”), things did not go the same way for her.

simply put, tats did not indulge ryan at all in the sexual stuff very much, and would either brush past it or not notice it. she notes that, after a while - primarily when the other girls, like his twitch mods, came into the picture - their interactions became shorter, more business-like, and much more rare. she concludes by wondering if there was anything she could have done had she been more knowledgeable about what was going on.

while the story is not an allegation in itself, it is indeed telling about ryan’s process, as it shows clearly what happens if the girls he spoke to didnt meet his “standards.” tats does seem grateful to have been spared a much worse fate, but she notes that big parts of her life that were populated by interactions with ryan have now been sullied, and that she feels a tremendous amount of guilt for what little involvement she had in pushing girls toward ryan (as she states that some of the people who’ve come forward were people she knew and unintentionally “placed in harm’s way”). his selfish behavior has had a massive impact that extends far beyond himself and his victims, and it’s horrific to think about.

WEEK 2, DAY 5 (october 15th):

this day was pretty uneventful, overall: only one major breakthrough that i could see.

MJ PT. 2:

at 10:46 am, MJ posts this tweet containing this google doc detailing her relationship with ryan. her story is quite different, as she is currently (as of october 15th) the only girl to have been in ryan’s age range (she was 30 at the time, ryan was 38), and was also married at the time of their relationship.

brief summary: she and ryan began talking around november 2018, and although she was married, both she and her husband were interested in pursuing a polyamorous relationship/open marriage (im not clear on exactly which, as mj uses the term “polyam,” but what she describes sounds closer to an open marriage which allows for no-strings sex outside of the relationship). mj vented to ryan about her anxieties with pursuing this kind of marriage, and ryan talked her through it and vented about his own marital troubles. they began to flirt in earnest.

in december 2018, mj approached ryan about rumors she had heard of other girls, which ryan of course denied. mj found out later that month that there were indeed others. in january 2019, ryan offered to fly her out to austin for a hook-up (using the money from his twitch account, of course). with her husbands approval, mj went in february, and they spent a while together - but when she returned home, ryan immediately ghosted her, and did not talk to her for a few weeks after. mj notes how disgusted and used she felt after the fact, but something still drew her to him, and they continued to have an on-off “relationship” until as recently as this year, where she notes that their conversations slowed basically to a halt. she ends the doc with an apology to everyone who was hurt by ryan. 

at this point, the stories are likely going to be much more of the same, as it’s clear that ryan had a predetermined system for how he’d approach these hook-ups, so i expect many more stories along these lines in the coming days. 

WEEK 2, DAY 6 (october 16th):

@slayercas/ abandons her twitter account due to continual harassment from yet another “pleaseread” account. do note that this is NOT the same account as before, since that one was deleted and then repurposed - this new one is completely barren, with only two (inexplicable) followers and no tweets or content to speak of. i am hesitant to believe that this is truly ryan, as the message really doesnt sound like something he would send at this point in time - however, i dont believe cas has faked this either (after all, why would she abandon the account if she was faking messages from ryan “for attention”?).

my outstanding theory is that someone completely unrelated has made up the account to mess with cas, as we know for sure that at least one person disbelieved cas enough to take the name of the previous account and say so in their description. on top of that, the fact that some of the numbers included are “911″ - making me think 9/11 - and “88401″ - making me think someone tried to slip in a “1488″ reference, but didnt want it to be obvious - have me skeptical that this is a real ryan throwaway. again, this is complete conjecture; please take it with a grain of salt.

SURVIVORS OF RYAN PT. 2:

at 10:25 am, @survivorsofryan posts this tweet containing this document from an anonymous person. (i will refer to them as UK anon, since that is where they are from.)

brief summary: UK anon starts off by saying that, while they did not sleep with ryan themselves, they know someone who has and is going to allow them to speak out for themselves. moving to themselves, they first spoke to ryan in march 2017, and sent him the usual “thank you for your content” message on his snapchat. they were in a discord group for RT, and apparently a few of them decided to send ryan suggestive pictures, which started off a few sexting relationships between them and him. according to UK anon, one of the discord members flew out - on their own dime - to sleep with him, while others had been sexting with him for a long time and were even still doing so recently. 

UK anon did meet ryan at rtx london in 2018, and was even brought on stage and sat next to him by lawrence sonntag (from funhaus) - she states that she’s fairly certain he recognized her, as he made it a point to be very physically close to her and to touch her quite a bit. she notes that, before this, she and many other girls had long since cut contact with him, and he’d promised he would stop the cheating and sexting with fans (which we, of course, know was a complete lie). she ends by saying that they thought they knew the truth about ryan, that he was simply a liar and cheater, but in actuality he was a sexual predator who’d been manipulating girls all along, and that this has floored her and her friends.

ON THE SPOT #80

as with off topic #177, i was going to put this in miscellaneous, but it is actually a huge moment in the context of this story. someone uncovers this moment from on the spot episode 80 (timestamp is 29:40 if the link doesnt work), in which burnie, barbara, jeremy, and ryan are playing “never have i ever,” and jon puts forth the prompt “never have i ever sent nude pics.” ryan takes a big swig, as does jeremy, and jon presses it by asking both of them if the nudes were sent to “someone other than [their wives].” ryan states that hes “not having this conversation” and that he had a life before he was married, to which barbara “jokingly” responds, “and after!”

burnie, however, looks a bit perturbed and says, “you had a life before your wife before camera phones?” to which ryan responds, “email existed back then, and camera phones.” that seems to cover it, you would think, EXCEPT that ryan is telling an out and out lie.

firstly, as we clearly know, he was sexting many more people than his wife, and quite recently. it was stupid of him to not just lie and say no, honestly, but i think weve come to realize ryan is not that bright. secondly, while ryan got married in 2007, he was dating his wife for a few years before that, as this anonymous contributor confirmed days ago - he was already dating his wife in 2004, when he had an affair with the anon. 

third, he is correct that camera phones and email existed back then - however, the average phone at that time did NOT have a camera, and the ones that did capped at 1.3 megapixels, which tended to look something like this. (forgive the random picture; its all i could find to show what i meant.) note how grainy and small the image is, and also take into consideration that this would have been the camera on a top-of-the-line phone in 2004, NOT the sort of phone the average person would have owned. this is assuming 2004 is the latest year he could have sent such pictures to someone without being in a relationship with his wife; camera phones were almost unheard of pre-2003, so his story completely falls apart there. 

he does have a point about the email aspect, but if we are sincerely considering that he may not be lying here, this would mean that he was finding people online to send nudes to (in a VERY pre-social media world; this wouldve been on like, bbs sites, or miscellaneous blogs/homepages, so it wouldve required some serious searching), taking nudes on a digital camera, manually uploading all the pictures to his computer, sorting out the nudes of choice, and then sending them. i dont think i need to go much further into this to show how quickly the basic concept of this falls apart.

WEEK 2, DAY 7 (october 17th):

not much to say in terms of ryan/his victims so far today, but i think this is relevant, so im going to include it - we instead get a surprise tweet from trevor collins, who was previously accused of cheating on and abusing his ex gf, which contains this statement basically refuting the claims entirely with many screenshots. 

i know absolutely nothing about the original trevor accusation, as i was no longer watching rt when trevor joined the crew and had long since lost interest in rt by the time the accusations began going around, so i cannot speak to the veracity of anything said in here, or of the original accusation. i will decline to state my personal opinion on the document, and instead just link it for you all to peruse. 

CAS PT. 2:

at 7:48 pm, @slayercas/ (OCT. 21 EDIT: the account name is now @otpineedyou) posts this tweet containing a document, describing their own story with ryan. 

brief summary: cas informs us out the gate that she was NOT underage, but rather in her late 20s during all this. she reached out to him to thank him for his content, to which ryan responded in a flirtatious way. things quickly escalated to full on sexting from there. when ryan asked if cas wanted to meet in person, she initially declined, but continued talking to him sexually after he confessed to having an open marriage (and cas notes that he did not say this until after she stated that she was in an open relationship herself). cas shared a story regarding a sexual trauma she had with ryan, which he seemed to empathize with.

once they began talking about dom/sub stuff, ryan got more aggressive in tone, and often brought up things like extreme roughness and choking. if cas asked ryan to stop bringing up things that were traumatic, he would apologize but continue to do so anyway. cas became uncomfortable and decided to forgo all sexual conversations with ryan; if he brought up something suggestive, she would either make an excuse to go or change the subject. he tried to guilt trip her into talking to him, but she did not budge, and eventually had to delete all rt-related accounts to put distance between him and herself. she closes with a message of positivity for others in the same situation.

ANON-2:

around 10 pm, this post is made on r/roosterteeth containing this document. although it is also about ryan, a sizable portion of the doc focuses on the anon’s experience with geoff. (i will be calling them anon-2 just for the sake of intelligiblity. i cant link pictures, so please check the doc for those.) 

brief summary: anon-2 was in their early-mid 20s (in mid 2016) when they discovered rt, and decided to send a snap to all of the cast members who had open snap accounts. ryan replied and, although things started out normal, they quickly became suggestive. at the same time, though, geoff also began talking to anon-2 and things also became flirty with them. they did exchange nudes and sext quite often while geoff was still married, but says they never slept with geoff themselves, although they knew others who did.  

anon-2 ended up hooking up with ryan in person, and as with the other girls, he lied about not sleeping with anyone else, and insisted on not using a condom. they had sex multiple times that weekend, and anon-2 confirms that, like the other girls claimed, ryan was incredibly rough and violent with sex. anon-2 then proceeds to share many screenshots and unseen pictures of ryan, and in addition, provides messages from as recently as october 10th, where she goads him into talking about what all happened. ryan confirms he has spoken to a pr agent and a lawyer, and then makes a very weird non-joke about possibly needing an “anchor marriage” to get out of the country, implying he would ask anon-2 to do this for him. anon-2 finishes the main part of the doc by saying she knows ryan has been seeking out sex from craigslist, and that she was just a part of his grand manipulation scheme all along.

WEEK 3, DAY 1 (october 18th):

barely after midnight, we get yet another r/roosterteeth anon, posting a document detailing their relationship with ryan. much like the others, we can see that ryan followed the same pattern of flattery and kindness, getting them to talk about their mental health issues, goading them into doing things they were not comfortable with, and eventually dropping them when he realized he could not manipulate them like the others. not much else to say about it, but i wanted to catalogue it all the same.

ANON-2 PT. 2:

an update is added to anon-2′s google doc, at the end of page 13, addressing the geoff side of their post. they post candids of geoff in a hotel room, sent to them by a friend who’d slept with geoff. they add a third update later the same day, insisting that, like the girls, geoff had no clue that ryan was a sexual predator. anon-2 goes on to add that geoff never mentioned anything about his wife knowing about his sleeping around, but states that they will not be sharing more information unless given permission to do so from the girls affected. lastly, she begs people to stop hassling millie, geoff’s underage daughter. 

GEOFF’S STATEMENT:

not long after anon-2′s update, geoff releases this statement on r/roosterteeth. he basically lays everything out, saying that he did indeed sext with and have sex with some fans during a period in his marriage where they were trying an open relationship, but that he felt uncomfortable with the imbalance due to the fans knowing so much about him and he so little about them. he goes onto say that he has taken a step back from rt due to extreme stress and mental health issues, and that he has not spoken about the ryan situation due to how overwhelming and upsetting it is. he closes by asking that people not drag his daughter and ex-wife into things, and leave all blame for him.

i am extremely mixed on this; on the one hand, geoff is an extremely skilled writer and speaker, and that is very clear in this document. he makes a point to share - almost to the point of oversharing - the situation between him and his then-wife to explain why he was associating with fans, and then moves past that to discuss his tumultuous personal life. however, he does not address the question of any age differences between him and these fans, and just refers to it as “two consenting adults ... getting to know each other.” 

although this all seems well and good, one huge spanner was thrown into geoff’s story here; this tweet from michelle vologs, which states that ryan explicitly told her that geoff was engaging sexually with fans, and possibly knew some of ryan’s stories himself. notice that the anonymous replier, who is concurring with what michelle said, is the same anonymous twitter account who contacted ryan and adam on september 18th about their nudes leak - several WEEKS before the news dropped publicly. 

although originally i was willing to believe what geoff had to say, as there was little conflicting evidence, michelle’s statement gives me extreme pause. if geoff was sleeping with enough fans that ryan knew about it, the chances of ryan not having mentioned his own experiences is very low - and on top of that, ryan has little to no reason to lie about this, as telling the truth would have actually been detrimental to his career, on the off-chance someone blabbed and it made its way back to geoff. so i am highly skeptical of the whole document.

WEEKS 3-11 (october 19th to january 2nd):

complete radio silence from ryan and adam both for a little under three months. as ryan was stated to have hired a pr agent and/or a lawyer amidst the initial scandal, its pretty easy to surmise that he was advised to just shut up and let things die down, and therefore did so. adam had gone quiet for a much longer time, so it was assumed he would not speak out again. however, people still felt that ryan was likely to try and make a comeback eventually. and, well...

WEEK 11, DAY 1 (january 3rd):

freckles, one of ryans former mods, posts this tweet containing this statement from ryan to his remaining subscribers, thanking them for sticking around and vaguely addressing “what a tough year its been” for him. unsurprisingly, this is met with IMMEDIATE retribution, as the message served as a reminder that a) many people forgot to unsubscribe and unfollow in the initial situation, and b) that ryan was still getting paid by twitch the entire time he was being ousted. this, of course, led to calls for ryan to be banned from twitch completely, given that it was his main vehicle for finding and grooming his victims.

it is unknown why he decided to do this, as it is transparently very stupid, but i think the entire series of events has made it quite clear that ryan is not only unintelligent, but EXTREMELY entitled - ryan couldnt last even a week into the new year before trying to lay the groundwork to return to his career, whereas adam managed to go quiet much earlier and remain that way for a much longer time, to let things cool off more significantly.

WEEK 11, DAY 6 (january 8th):

early in the morning, the owner of kiwifarms, null, posts a thread stating that adam kovic has reached out demanding the removal of his and jess kovic’s nude photos and videos. (reminder that i will not be linking to any threads on kf directly - you will have to seek those out for yourself.) 

recall that, in the initial days of the scandal, the vast majority of the attention was on adam instead of ryan - and that was because of the sheer magnitude of his leaked photos, as well as the question of his wifes consent to their distribution (as most of the pictures/videos of her were taken from behind; with the benefit of hindsight, we can say fairly safely that she probably did not consent to the distribution, and possibly not their being taken either). 

im not exactly sure on the legality of the situation, as null did not leak the photos himself but is allowing them to be hosted on his website, and adam himself would likely be found guilty of revenge porn due to him having been the one to send pictures of his wife without her permission in the first place. as for the pictures of adam himself, i would assume that null is somehow protected from prosecution or else i believe he would have already taken them down. the morality of leaving them up is EXTREMELY questionable, and i would say it probably is tipping over the line into morally wrong, but morality holds very little sway legally and so adam may not actually have any recourse here.

WEEK 13, DAY 4 (january 20th)

in the afternoon, its confirmed by twitter account @streamerbans that ryan haywood has been permabanned from twitch, and has lost his partnership with the website as well. this is obviously SUPER fucking late, as the crux of the scandal happened months ago (in october), but better late than never, i suppose.

his ban seems to be a natural consequence of two things: the obvious catalyst is his VERY bold message to his subscriber, but beyond that, twitch has also updated their rules and codes of conduct to address their handling of sexual harassment on their platform, from fans and streamers alike, and ryans actions fall very clearly over the line of acceptability. while its unknown whether ryans actions have anything to do with the drafting of some of the new rules - the rule against “attempting to coerce others into sexual favors via bribes” specifically seems VERY pointed at him - it is likely that twitch was already drafting these rules before the situation occurred, and ryans doings simply expedited their being put into effect.

in any case, the only sad part of this is how long it took; ryan was getting free money off of his fans who hadnt or couldnt unsubscribe for three months before this ban and the loss of his partnership were put into effect, which is very upsetting, but there isnt much that can be done about it now.

(JAN 30 EDIT: as you can tell, the situation has severely petered out from where it began; originally there were new updates and more information on a daily, almost hourly basis, and so it was necessary to break the story up day by day to get everything. since that is no longer the case, i will not be filling in any gaps between time periods; if something else happens two weeks from now, i will not try to fill in the two week silence, and will just skip to the next big event. apologies if this makes timelines confusing, but ive added weeks AND days to each event to make them easier to follow, so hopefully that helps.

any further updates to this post will go here, to keep the timeline together. everything below this line is optional reading, but i do highly recommend it, as it provides a lot of background context.)

-----

MISCELLANEOUS INFO

this is just a section for anything i think is contextually relevant that doesnt really fit anywhere else, or stuff that is not confirmed but highly suspicious. most of this will provide elucidating background for everything that went down, but none of it is necessary to read. 

LOOKING BACK AT RYAN’S CONTENT:

because of how blindsiding these events have been, people began questioning if there were any tells that we as viewers missed over the years, and began going through old videos and other content to find anything of interest. ill link any relevant videos here with a brief summary of why theyre noteworthy:

- this video features ryan encouraging fans to do “whatever [they] need to get [themselves] to finish” (in reference to masturbating), and when trevor states that “there are laws that constrain us,” ryan says that “as long as you do it [in your head], it’s fine.” here he is clearly justifying his own actions to himself.

- this clip of ryan singing “black or white” by michael jackson, but he changes the lyrics to, “thing about my baby, it dont matter if youre black or white - or 12, or 9, or 8.” yeah.... i dont really need to say much else about that i dont think

- this post about ryan’s cover letter from his initial application to rt. the comment about “that sexy, deep voice that ladies love” wouldve been gross even without context, but with it, it appears that playing casanova with fans may have been his intent from the beginning.

- another video in which ryan “misses his flight because of uber.” he states that he missed his flight because the uber driver who was supposed to arrive didnt want to come and asked him to cancel the drive, forcing him to wait for another driver to be available. while they dont say explicitly, i am fairly certain hes talking about returning from pax west in seattle, which took place in early september - around the time that many of these stories (like tessa’s and michelle’s) take place. more likely than not, he fully lied about this story and was actually late because he was hooking up with a fan.

WHY 2017?:

if you’re paying attention to dates, you may notice that almost all of these events transpired - or began - in 2017. there are a few theories as to why, but ultimately i think the answer is quite simple; 2017 is when ryan made an instagram account, and is likely when he had the most direct access to fans. as was noted, he has had twitter for years and his snapchat was created probably a year or two before, and yet there are little to no stories taking place before 2017. most likely, his making an instagram account saw an influx of messages from fans, primarily teenage girls - a huge demographic on insta - and gave him a platform to begin the grooming process without anyone suspecting him.

CONJECTURE PT. 1: THE MEGGENING:

people began to speculate if ryan and meg are/were having an affair, as they spent quite a bit of time together for work, went on a trip to japan alone together, and have been the center of many a “joke” regarding their relationship, to the point of it sincerely bothering gavin (meg’s boyfriend). there are several clips of the achievement hunter guys making jokes about ryan and meg sleeping together behind gavin’s back, but heres one clip of them doing so with gavin in the room. notice his genuinely uncomfortable reaction.

initially i was ready to write this off as “women evil” conjecture, but honestly after looking into it a bit, i can sincerely see what people are talking about. as i said earlier, i find meg’s statement incredibly suspicious - the fact that she explicitly denies any knowledge of ryan’s doings even though that SHOULD go without saying, and that her message doesnt actually say anything negative about ryan or what he did at all, makes me feel extremely wary of her. 

OCT. 12 EDIT: either yesterday or the day before, meg privated most of the highlights from her japan trip with ryan, but a few of them were luckily archived. here they are, if you’re curious: japan #1, japan #2, japan #3.

CONJECTURE PT. 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO:

in early february, its discovered that ryan haywoods home is up for sale, and has been for quite a while. (i will not be linking the listing for obvious reasons.) the house had been on the market for 63 days at that time, placing its initial listing date in very early december - that would only be two months after the initial story broke. on top of that, with the inclusion of the amount of time it takes to find a realtor and begin the selling process, the selling of the house was likely initiated in mid-to-late november, if not sooner.

there are multiple potential explanations for the selling of the house, of course - its possible they could no longer afford the upkeep due to ryan losing his highly lucrative job, or its possible that they moved to escape harassment from others. i find both of these fairly implausible for different reasons: the former because ryans wife also has a fairly high-paying job, and unless ryan is a complete dumbass, they certainly have enough money saved up to remain in that house if they wanted to. in addition, i find the latter implausible because its highly unlikely anyone was going to their house directly, as i think ryan would definitely have played the victim publicly over something like that.

the most obvious answer to me, given how quickly the house was put up for sale, is that the two have begun divorce proceedings and thus sold the house. finances as a motivator make no sense to me due to the speed with which the house was put up - its highly unlikely they blew through all of their savings in a month - and if they were staying together as a couple, it wouldnt make sense to vacate their home for no reason. of course, this is complete conjecture (thus the header LMAO), but it is interesting to note as it comes into direct contradiction with ryans claims of going to couples therapy with his wife.

RYAN’S TACTICS:

due to the number of accusations against ryan now, a pretty clear picture is painted of him and how he operates. a few things become clear when you put all of this information together. lets break it down bit by bit.

first: the girls. as i mentioned before, michelle notes in her video that ryan seemed to target young girls who were either insecure about themselves/their bodies, or had mental health issues. that pattern does seem to hold up, as all seven of the major accusers (tessa, michelle, leigh, kayla, katie, anon, and megashiny) openly discuss dealing with one or both of these issues in their respective stories. it’s almost undeniable that ryan pursued these types of girls on purpose in order to manipulate them more easily, as well as to have plausible deniability when confronted about them - a phrase which multiple girls have used in reference to him.

second: the method. ryan seems to have consistently used the exact same method of manipulating each of the girls. it goes pretty much like this:

- in early conversations, he is sweet and invested in the girl. once they are a bit more comfortable, he begins to “flirt,” making sexual comments and “jokes” to slowly but surely convince them to sext and exchange nudes with him.

- at the same time, he is sure to tell everyone he knows (mods and the like) about how “crazy” his girl of the week is, guaranteeing that she will not be believed should she try to tell someone what is going on between them

- once the conversations turn sexual, his demeanor changes completely, and he starts to become distant. conversations with him become infrequent to make the girl feel miserable when he is away and over the moon when he decides to talk to her, thus maintaining the constant star-struck feeling and ensuring that she is always just a bit more eager to do what he asks in order to keep him around

- he makes sure to litter conversations with comments about how much he loves his wife and kids, thus ensuring that the girl feels too guilty to let anyone know whats going on at the risk of damaging his relationship with his family

- once he has the girls backed into this corner, he begins reaching out only to talk about sex and to schedule in-person hook ups, and will not talk to the girls otherwise. this goes on over and over until he gets bored or the girl cuts contact with him.

he is consistent with this “defaming, denial, degrading” method, as we can see every single girl make reference to him treating them in the same way. from this, we can conclude one thing - he has a system. he has done this before, and he knows it works. even the girl with the most different experience, katie, was clearly being groomed and sexually coerced with the promise of payment, but when she did not budge ryan switched over to straight up financial manipulation, forcing her to take the money - and therefore making her financially beholden to him - and threatening her with cut contact should she not accept.

ryan also tried to isolate katie from her best friend, kayla, in an effort to prevent her from noticing that he was manipulating and grooming kayla for sex as well, and given that kayla was bullied so thoroughly in HIS community that he was one of the only people she felt safe around, it’s no wonder why he refused to deal with the situation when trick brought it up to him. these are straight up abuser tactics, and while i hesitate to throw that word around, it is clear that ryan is a dangerous, emotionally manipulative sexual predator, who specifically targeted young girls with little to no experience with sex and relationships. he is disgusting, and cruel, and i pray that he experiences the pain he inflicted on these girls ten times over.

[vagarius]

misukazu 21

(if you saw me fuck up the other one no you didnt)

EDIT I THINK THIS ONE GOT A LITTLE FUCKED UP TOO BUT IT’S... READABLE...

questions from this post, and answers originally written for this thread!!

If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?    their canon first meeting is already so good SHDGFLJASHG but if i had to choose a different one that's still within the context of mankai... meeting as kids and losing touch and coming back together completely different at mankai

What song fits your pairing the most?    uhhHHhhHHH i don't have a real answer but i do have a partial playlist for one of my misukazu aus and the only two songs in it are furaregai girl by sayuri and champagne's for celebrating by mayday parade and i feel like that says enough sldhgalsdhfalsh

What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?     ALL MISUKAZU AUS ARE GOOD but. i really love any au where their first meeting is in the future and both are still kind of lost but they're Older and it's hard to let themselves fall into the easy trust they find in canon. i just think that'd be neat.

Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?     I'VE SAID THIS MANY TIMES BUT CANON MISUKAZU GIVES OFF MADE FOR EACH OTHER VIBES AND USUALLY I DON'T VIBE WITH THAT BUT THEY REALLY ARE WHAT THE OTHER NEEDS... AND I THINK EVEN IF THEY HAD TO PART THEY'D STILL BE ABLE TO BE BETTER PEOPLE BC THEY HAD MET

Favorite canon moment of them?     THERE ARE SO MANY but the one that immediately comes to mind is misumi carrying drunk kazu to bed (latest bday line) because drunk kazu is so soft and it implies that misumi wanted to wish happy birthday to kazu pretty late... what did he want to give him...

Least favorite canon moment of them?     hmm... there's not really one i can think of??? IM SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I LOVE ALL THEIR CANON MOMENTS

Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)    this is somehow both vague and very specific but i think misukazu gives off this vibe: He's beautiful. I can't tell him. or "Kazu is always beautiful~" Don't call me that, Kazu thinks. I'm not. so... insecurities i guess ????? AJSHAJJD

Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?     THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO CHEESY but i love how /real/ they allow themselves to be around each other. misukazu at their best is when one thinks "you're you. and i love that you" and the other knows this. i just. THEY VALIDATE THE OTHER SO MUCH CRIES

Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcannon)     this isn't a "least fav" so much as "it makes me sad" but if either of them showed any sign of not being interested anymore the other is more likely to give up then push anything. sort of like "it was bound to happen, so i'll enjoy now until they drop me" or EVEN WORSE they think the other would be better off without them and pushes them away. so yeah the fact i can see one of these happening makes me sad.

If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?     they give off "everyone knows we're dating but us" energy but at the same time i feel like they'd acknowledge there's something and just not define it bc a) they don't need to (misumi) or b) they're too nervous to (kazu). in other words i think one day they are holding hands and misumi says "kazu? is this dating?" and kazu holds his breath before asking "do you want it to be?"

If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?     i think theyd be hilarious in any sports animanga (kazu is manager tho bc noodle arms but maybe they bond when misumi walks him through some of his usual training menu one night - ahem. anyway) BUT ALSO horimiya au...

How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.     AJDHAJDHSF I REALLY LOVE THEM SO IT COMES PRETTY EASILY... but sometimes you try to put them in tropes and realize they would Just Not Work Like That. idk where i'm going with this. but yeah. anyway 3 for sankaku.

Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?     in terms of what i ship, i tend to ship kazu and misumi individually with a lot of dif charas AJDHAKD. but in terms of like... in-universe "rival" pairings: kazu side: tsuzukazu (maybe, lbr it would take them 273924 yrs to actually get together), kazu x someone from winter (i... have my reasons but they'd take longer than what this answer entails) misumi side: ... surprisingly none that i can think of ahdjahd

Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)     you know that tweet that's like "sometimes a ship is just your two favs"? yeah that's misukazu for me. but if i had to choose... misumi AJDHAJHDSF I HONESTLY WASNT THAT INTO YUME UNTIL THESE TWO CAME AROUND (NOT COUNTING 707)... but yeah if they wanted to hold me in their arms i wouldn't oppose

Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?     OOOOOH BOY well. i think it could be either of them. i don't think they'd break up for lack of love but too much love and wanting the other to be happy and thinking that the only way to give them that is to let them go. so i guess the question is which of them would be more likely to be selfish and hold on. thinking this way, i think misumi would be more likely to break-up, bc kazu has lots of friends who are better than him!! and misumi is more ready to leave if he thinks he needs to than kazu is. now im sad.

Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?     THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED KAZU KIN... in all seriousness kazu's struggles with speaking out and (shinobi spoilers) his uncertainty over his future hit real close to home... while i don't relate as much as misumi, his struggles always manage to tear my heart into pieces... ((oversharing alert) i guess what really separates me from misumi is his struggle with his desire to connect with family who has treated him poorly... whereas im more "lol fuck you") tldr i relate to kazu slightly more LOL

Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?     i never disliked them but i was NOT expecting either of them to shoot up so quickly into my favs list ahdjahdjf. also i started shipping them Immediately After reading summer main story so there's that

On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?    as of september 28th 2020 i make up 11/78 fics on ao3 in the romantic misukazu tag and 2/12 in the platonic one. i may have brainrot.

What made you decide to ship them?     TBH I FINISHED THE MAIN STORY AND WENT "OH MY GOD... THAT'S MY SHIP" but now that i'm here i continue to ship them because they have the potential to bring out both the best and the worst in each other and i'm all about that

Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)     angst. i just. angst hurt/comfort all the way. im so sorry babies.

lol you thought there would just be 21 ANYWAY EXTRA 1: how do they spend breaks/vacation?    they'd travel a lot when they're older!! kazunari loves to travel and misumi would follow kazunari anywhere (also, new triangles!!) so they go somewhere new whenever they have the time. however i think eventually one or both of their future careers will take them anywhere and everywhere anyway, so their "ideal vacation" might turn into an evening in, cuddling and catching up (as if they didn't already send play-by-play updates over the phone of whatever they did during the day)

EXTRA 2: first date?     i don't they ever have an explicit first date, but if asked they'll cite the time they had a picnic in the park turned triangle hunt turned accidental dip in the duck pond. at least, kazunari will. misumi just tilts his head and wonders what you mean.

EXTRA 3: gifts?     IM FEELING REALLY CHEESY SO I'M MAKING THIS ABOUT ANNIVERSARY GIFTS they both end up getting each other jewelry (although kazu was really really nervous bc he wasn't sure if misumi would wear it). kazu gets misumi a bracelet (with triangles, of course although misumi only wears it sometimes because he doesn't want to lose it) and misumi gets kazu a pair of triangle earrings "so we can match!" and kazunari combusts at the implications

EXTRA 4: sharing clothes     THEY'RE ACTUALLY AROUND THE SAME SIZE (and tend to wear baggier stuff barring kazu's skinny jeans)... but they have completely different Styles so it's still really obvious when steal each other's stuff ahdjajdkaf. as cute as kazu would look in sumi's sweatshirt i think the much more likely scenario is kazu wrapping misumi in his jackets because this boy nEVER BRINGS HIS ANYWHERE anyway just. accidental shared wardrobe misukazu.

EXTRA 5: lake house au    consider: kazunari living in a house on the shore of a lake for a summer for Art Purposes (and a little bit for Dealing With Life purposes but he's not gonna admit that) and meets his lake neighbor misumi who kazu thinks might be a ghost or spirit for a while but he actually just lives further down the lake and misumi unknowingly helps kazu with his Life Issues and maybe they fall in love

[perksofzen]

Strawberry and Sunflower

Hello everyone,this is my first imagine on Tumblr.I've been writing in Wattpad for sometime now and,today I have the courage to write on Tumblr too.I know some people here likes Tumblr more than wattpad but we have our own opinions on that and I totally respect it.

There are some accounts here on Tumblr that inspired me to give a shot on writing on Tumblr so thank you so much.

This is really not an imagine for starters,this is the first chapter of my HS fanfiction on Wattpad,Its called Baby Angel and I hope you like it.

Soon enough,I'll start doing some imagines in here so Im really hoping that my writings in here are welcome.

Thank you!

-S

🍓🌻

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

September 27,2018

The soft breeze of LA hit the people who is walking, who is doing good on their own. The street lamps are being lit as the dark starts to creep in. People are starting to go home in their home to be with their family.

A certain man couldn't help but longed for a home. He was just sat there on a bench, with his head hung low as the air brushes his curls.

It's been months now, he kept giving everyone a smile, like he's always used to but the media nor the people doesn't know what he's feeling or what's the real reason. All he could think about was her, he didn't mean to but when they broke up, he started to feel that maybe the certain French girl wasn't his endgame.

As he thinks, a beautiful smell invaded his senses and a hand with strawberry was put in front of him. He furrowed his eyebrows before moving his head to the side.

Soon, he was met by a fair girl who is looking at him straight to the eyes and his green eyes was met by a grey one,her raven black hair swayed back and forth while her pink plump lips have a small smile.

Somehow, the girl looked familiar to him.

"Looks like you need it"the girl said that made him surprised on the inside of how soft her voice.

Both of them just stared at each other before the girl motioned to her hand that held the strawberry.

The guy hesitated for a second before taking it.

"You'll love it"the girl smiled before placing the box of strawberries between them and popping one in her mouth.

"I reckon you love strawberries then"the guy said as he took a bite on it as the girl hummed happily. "I'm sorry, can I ask where did you get it?'know s'not a season for strawberries right now"

"I have my ways"the girl winked at him before taking another bite. "So, what is Harry Styles doing here?At almost 7 pm outside in LA?"

"Oh... Uhm nothing"Harry looked ahead after finishing a strawberry.

The girl groaned softly before looking at him,"You have that look, you know?"

"What look?"Harry was confused to her question that made him look back at her.

"That look! the look look thingy"the girl tried explained.

The girl means one thing.

The look of a broken man.

"I don't know what you mean right now"Harry shook his head along the girl sigh before silence creep to the both of them as the wind blew past them. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, not like you're not asking already"the girl shrugged, slowly making herself comfortable towards the popstar.

"Would you write a song for your ex?"Harry asked with that look again.

The girl was taken aback from his question but she immediately knew where was this coming from so she tried to help.

"I mean if I can't let my feelings or talk to someone about it, then yeah I'll write one but not if it's not necessary really, but it depends on the person"she said softly looking at guy beside him, "I-is this about the girl?What's her name?Cam... -Camille?"

"Yeah"Harry breathed out before leaning back to the bench. "Thanks for that"

"I'm sorry by the way but you're welcome, Mr. Styles"she smiled with a teasing smile because of what she called him making Harry chuckle a little before taking another strawberry.

"So, I reckon you like strawberry?"Harry then change the subject while motioning to the fruit in his hand before taking a bite, the sweetness immediately hit his tongue and remember that the girl didnt  answer his question earlier.

"Love it"she closed her eyes nodding her head making Harry chuckle again.

Another silence went passed as Harry continued eating the strawberries. Much to his surprise, he liked the strawberry. The way the juice surrounds in his mouth and the sweetness hitting in his palate, he liked the feeling of it.

The silence was broken when the girls phone rang startling them a little. She took out her phone seeing a text from her friend who is in her house with his her brother.

"Holy-Uhm hey, I gotta go now"The girl stood up from her seat as Harry look at her. "My friend is asking me to go home already"

"oh erm okay"Harry said, a little sad that she will go now, he liked her company already even though they barely spoken but he felt at ease, "Your strawberries"

"No, take it"She pushed the box to him again. "You need it more than I do right now"

"oh"Harry looked down at the strawberries.

"See you around, Harry"the girl smiled before turning around to walk to another direction.

Harry looked up and watch her back as she slowly walked away from him before he stood up when he realized something.

"What's your name?"Harry called.

"Noelle"she smiled turning back to him a second before walking away again.

"Noelle"he breathed out as the name started to burn in his mind.

Harry then widen his eyes knowing that name too well ever since he was 16 and he felt stupid for not recognizing her immediately.

He looked at her retreating back once again before he saw something at the Jean pocket of her jeans.

A sunflower patch.

-

"I'm so sorry I got home late"Noelle apologize.

"Yeah sure unless you want your mom and dad to kill me that you're still not home by 7 or 8"Andre sarcastically said as he stood up from his position on the couch.

Andre is one of Noelle's close friends who went to her house earlier to help her 15 year old brother on an assignment.

"and you're still scared of my Dad and chill, mom's not in LA"Noelle laughed fist bumping her brother in a way of greeting.

"Dude, he's Robert Downey,in that happy expression lies the scariness"he exclaimed.

"Oh shut up and go home to your grandma"she shoved him a little making them both laugh.

"Alright, night little Downey's"Andre smiled at them as he take his jacket off of the couch before walking out of the

house.

"So, how's the homework?"Noelle asked as she walked towards the kitchen to get some water.

"It was good, he really is a genius when it comes to music"Wesley Night Downey sighed dramatically. 

Noelle just chuckled at him knowing what her brother said is true.

As Noelle poured a glass of water for her while Wesley continued watching TV, the door then opened revealing their tired yet all smiles father.

"Aye Big Downey"Noelle and Wesley greeted.

"Ah my little Downey's"Robert grinned back fist bumping Wesley.

"Evening dad"Noelle greeted and walked to him to give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Evening, Downey"Robert greeted back with a smile before looking at the glass in her hand. "Oh is this mine?Thanks, Elle"

"I-.. What?I'm not even gonna ask"Noelle huffed as Robert took the glass and drank in one gulp.

Noelle then just laugh at him knowing it always goes this way, her dad taking away everything she holds.

Then she remembered Harry on the bench, he looked really sad earlier that it made her approach him without a second thought.

I guess he was really heartbroken, she thought.

~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[thesarisari]

THERE IS A SONG FOR THAT: LISTEN TO THESE HIMIG HANDOG WINNERS THIS COMING VALENTINES DAY!

Valentine’s Day will never be the same for everyone. Some people are excited toward receiving stuffed toys, chocolate and roses, and surprises while there are some who just let the day pass and question the thought of cheesy gifts and over-priced dinner courses. But, there is one thing that can be shared by everyone on this special day – music. Whether that can be listening to love songs or break-up songs, there’s something on the playlist for everyone.

Here are the winners of Himig Handog – the country's premier song writing competition, through the years; songs that you can vibe with this love month:

IF YOU WERE NOT CHOSEN, LISTEN TO:

KUNG AKO NA LANG SANA (2002)

It was written by Soc Villanueva and was hailed as ABS-CBN Himig Handog Music Love Song Festival’s grand prize winner last 2002 and was performed by Bituin Escalante who was also awarded as the Best Interpreter. This is the perfect song to listen by people who experienced unrequited love and were crashed for not being chosen.

IF YOU ARE NOT YET READY TO COMMIT, LISTEN TO:

KAILAN KITA MAMAHALIN (2003)

Anna Fegi won the Grand Prize of  Himig Handog (2003) competition on the ABS-CBN network with the song "Kailan Kita Mamahalin" which was composed by Arnel De Pano. The song is about a person who likes someone but is unsure to give the person a chance because of their previous experiences in love. It is all about someone’s will to love and commit to another person, but not being able to do it because half of their heart is still afraid because of the pain, fear, and doubt.

IF YOUR RELATIONTSHIP IS STARTING TO DRIFT APART, LISTEN TO:

ANONG NANYARI SA ATING DALAWA? (2013)

After 10 years, the competition made a successful comeback last 2013 and ended with "Anong Nangyari Sa Ating Dalawa" as the first place by Jovinor Tan and was interpreted by Aiza Seguerra.The song narrated the painful process of how some stories did not last forever and how it started to fall apart. It circulated on the person’s unanswered question as to want went wrong and who was to be blamed for what happened with their relationship.

IF YOU CANNOT DECIDE WHO TO CHOOSE, LISTEN TO:

MAHAL KO O MAHAL AKO (2014)

Composer Edwin Marollano bagged the competition’s grand prize last 2014.  KZ Tandingan was the chosen interpreter for Mahal Ko o Mahal Ako and also received the Favorite Interpreter Award. The said song is for those people who are stuck in a situation on who are they are going to choose – the person he/she likes or the person who loves him/her more? It was probably one of the most successful songs that were produced by Himig Handog because it was also used for several shows on ABS CBN like Nasaan Ka Nung Kailangan Kita and Love Thy Woman.

IF THINGS DIDNT GO THE WAY YOU PLANNED IT TO BE, LISTEN TO:

DALAWANG LETRA (2016)

On the year 2016, "Dalawang Letra", a song entry composed by Pinoy Dream Academy alumnus Davey Langit and interpreted by Itchyworms band was named as the grand winner. With its feel good beat, you would not expect that the song is about a guy who had false hopes and expectations from a girl she is courting. The story is about a boy who thought that everything was cool with him and the girl she likes – only to find out in the end that they do not share the same feelings.

IF YOU ARE A HUGE FAN OF MOIRA, LISTEN TO:

TITIBO-TIBO (2017)

Songwriter Libertine Amistoso won the grand prize last 2017 with her entry Titibo-tibo which was interpreted by Moira Dela Torre. Amistoso said that the song was based on her personal story and she also shared on one of her interviews that one of the reasons why she made this song is because she noticed that there are only few songs that are being produced for boyish women. However, a lot of people pointed out that there are some problematic views on the song. There were issues and criticisms saying that the song implies that being gay women is just a phase can be ‘cured’ and will eventually pass by.

IF YOURE STILL WAITING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON TO COME, LISTEN TO:

SA MGA BITUIN NALANG IBUBULONG (2018)

Sa Mga Bituin Nalang Ibubulong which was composed by Kyle Raphael Borbon, interpreted by JM de Guzman and performed by Jason Dy during the grand finals on ASAP was declared as Himig Handog 2018 Grand Winner. In a short film produced by Borbon on Youtube, he shared the story behind Sa Mga Bituin Nalang Ibubulong. He shared his realization that people are always in search for something that will be constant in their life but tend to forget those beautiful little things that they do already have. This is the perfect song to listen by those people who are still in search or who are still waiting for that one person.

IF YOU JUST WANT TO DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY, LISTEN TO:

MABAGAL (2019)

Dan Martel Simon Tañedo owned the Himig Handog 2019’s stage because aside from winning the grand prize for his song “Mabagal”, he also bagged all the special awards for the said event. Mabagal won the Listeners' Choice Award, MOR 101.9 Choice, MYX Best Music Video Choice Award, and the One Music Philippines Favorite Interpreter Choice Award for Daniel Padilla and Moira Dela Torre. If you are planning to surprise your partner with a simple date and just let your hearts beat with the music, this song is definitely a perfect choice to set the mood.

Last September 26, the Top 12 finalists of the Himig Handog 2020 were introduced via ABS-CBN social media platforms and the interpreters were revealed on October 24, 2020 The grand finals day for the said competition was yet to be announced.

Regardless of what situation you are in, there is always a perfect song to describe what you are feeling. You just need to embrace your heart’s beat and find that perfect rhythm.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 48

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45 || CHAPTER 46 || CHAPTER 47

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: i know my last chapter didnt get many notes but the chapter is ready so why not post it you know? sex is vanilla again. thought it was cute. sue me lol. theyll have kinker sex dont worry hahaha! i would LOVE to know what you think of the characters and their reactions and stuff. so please, message me!

here are the requests for this chapter! for the instagram one, i changed it a bit because i dont think her character would want to be in the spotlight like that i hope its ok! also i had already talked about their first time and such so I added the others :)

Chapter 48 : His chapter

NIALL

"Oh my god! Look at you flirting with that woman like she's not 30 years older than you!"

I started laughing and let my head fall back slightly. My arm was on the couch's back right behind her head and I brought it closer, pulling her to me by her neck.

"Is that the tone you use when you're jealous?"

I noticed her nose raise up in a grimace but she kept staring at the tv, making me laugh even more. For some reason, Olivia wanted us to watch old One Direction interviews, pretending it would help me for the ones I had planned in the next few weeks. It didn't really help, all it did was make us laugh and I had to admit it was quite entertaining and I was pretty sure I had never watched most of them.

"It was tough watching interviews back then." she admitted, raising a shoulder. "Especially the older ones. You were such a horny kid."

I frowned slightly at her comment. I could hear a lot of pain but also a bit of blame and it bothered me. I was young, I was newly famous and not shy at all. Of course, I was a bit stupid and I tried to be funny but out of all the people in the world, I thought she'd be the last one to comment on it.

"I just enjoyed flirting." I let out, shrugging too. "I don't do that anymore."

It took her a few seconds but she turned my way, staring at my profile.

"How many times did it work?"

I frowned, still looking the old 60 minutes interview we did a few years ago playing on screen. Did I really want to have this discussion?

"What are you asking?"

I held my breath and turned to her, noticing how painful it was for her to ask me something like that. I felt my annoyance falter a bit but not leave completely.

"How many girls did you have sex with?"

We had never talked about that before. I thought about asking, especially when we started dating, but I was scared it would start shit between us. When I was younger, I didn't mention my stories mostly because I didn't want to hear hers. Now that I think about it, it was probably out of jealousy, too.

"Liv, please-"

"More than 10?"

I stared at her a few seconds and nodded a bit. I watched her lick her lips and breathe in and nervously, I felt my fingers play with the fabric of the couch. I hated this, it could only turn wrong.

"More than 20?"

I could feel myself getting angry and I closed my eyes, trying to calm down. I didn't know why I was so touchy, it was not in my nature, but perhaps the way she asked me didn't help. It was not just a casual conversation, there was clearly a reason why she asked and I suddenly regretted that we never talked about these things before.

"20 sounds about right." I just said, impatient to talk about something else.

"That's more than twice my number."

We remained silent for a few seconds and I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Am I supposed to answer something to that?" I just wondered a bit rudly. "I don't know what you expected Olivia, but clearly you're delusional. I've had a lot of opportunities it's true, and no of course I didn't jump on all of them, but you don't ask an 18 year old boy to be reasonable after being thrown into fame. I don't think you can really understand what it's like."

I shook my head and sighed louder than needed before getting up a bit roughly. I felt her fingers wrap about my wrist and stopped immediately.

"I'm sorry."

I stayed motionless, standing up with my eyes closed as her fingers pressed around my wrist more.

"I'm just scared. And insecure." she added low as i felt her fingers slip and free my hand. "I don't understand why you're dating me, Niall. You could date so many girls or just fool around with anyone you want. But you're here with me and it just makes no fucking sense to me. So when I see how things used to be for you, it scares me for the future and at the same time, it reminds me how much I cried during those years."

I sighed and slowly sat back down next to her, still not being able to look at her.

"Why did you propose we watch that then?"

From the corner of my eyes, I noticed her looking down and swallowing. I couldn't pretend I knew how she felt, not now and not back then, but I was dating her now, I had been dating her for over 9 months. The fact that she was still doubting me... doubting us, was tough to accept.

"I thought i'd be okay, I thought since you were next to me, holding my hand, that it wouldn't bother me." she explained in a low and ashamed tone. "I was wrong."

I sighed again and rubbed my eyes before getting up again. Her head shot up quickly but I just held my hand out to her. It took her a few seconds but slowly, she slid her palm against mine and I pulled on her hand, helping her get up.

"Let's go outside, okay?"

She didn't say anything, she just let me bring her outside, in the backyard. I took my socks off after letting go of her hands and sat on the side of the pool, putting my feet in the water and waited for her. It took her a few minutes but I still didn't turn to her. The night was calm and warm enough, especially for late september, and I looked down at her feet moving slowly in the water.

"At the lodge, I saw you and Harry making out naked on the side of the pool. It made me very jealous, even if I didn't really realize it back then. Not really because you two were having sex, but mostly because he had your full attention, and I was so used to have it all for myself that losing it was like a slap in the face." I admitted, licking my lips. "I'm not saying I know how you feel, Liv, or how you used to feel. I just think that holding on to that is changing you and stressing you for no reason."

"Maybe."

She didn't comment on the part about Harry and I closed my eyes.

"The first date I ever went on was with a girl from school." I added low.

"Grace, I remember."

"The whole time, all I could think about was kissing her. I didn't care about anything else. I was young, I can't even remember if I liked her, but I wanted my real first kiss and it's all that mattered." I made a pause and sighed. "Then I had girlfriends when I was a bit older, and then I joined One Direction and met other girls. And whenever I hung out with them, I was never jealous, I thought 'hey if it doesn't work then it wasn't meant to be' and that's it. I didn't expect it to last because I didn't want it to last. I had nothing to lose. I thought about sex and having fun."

I turned to her and sighed louder when I noticed tears falling down her cheeks. I moved my body her way slightly and shook my head.

"Olivia, why are you crying? I'm trying to tell you that it's different with you. I care about you. And the first thing I thought of when it came to you was not sex, it was not kissing you. It was making you happy, it was how good I felt around you. Why would you cry for that?"

"Because you seem to forget that I was there, Niall. I saw you with these girls. I cried myself to sleep because I desperately wanted to be in their shoes. My first kiss was with a guy at school who was harassing me to go out with him and when he kissed me, all I thought about was you. The first time I had sex with Rian I wished it was you. Every single decision in my love life seems to have been related to you. I'm not blaming you, it's all on me, but its still not easy for me."

My eyes roamed on her face and I watched her wipe her tears and sniff a few times before clearing her throat.

"We both need to make efforts. You can't spend all your time asking questions about my past that's gonna hurt you, you know."

"I'll work on that." she whispered. "But you're gonna have to be patient with me."

"Okay."

We remained quiet again for a while, just looking at the lights of the pool shining on the water. I knew I should reach for her hand but I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"Remember the first time we got drunk together?" she asked with a chuckle, moving her feet a bit more vigorously and making the water move around her. "You were so cute, and so damn tactile. At some point I was so close to tell you that I loved you that I got scared and hid in the bathroom for half an hour."

I smiled at the memory and chuckled.

"You were so dramatic and I didn't even know!" I let out, making her laugh too. "I don't know how you kept it inside for so long."

"Fear of losing you." she shrugged. "I just looked at you, both of us totally pissed, and I thought 'everyone wants a piece of him but he's with you right now, don't ruin this Olivia'."

"You were cute, you had that really high ponytail. I remember because whenever you'd turn around, your hair would brush against my arm and I was so drunk it made me shiver every time."

My eyes found hers and she was not smiling anymore. Her lips were parted and her eyes were glued to me. I raised my eyebrows and moved my face closer to hers.

"Yes, I remember things. Not the same things you remember, and maybe not for the same reasons, but I do remember things."

Slowly, she pressed her lips together and they curled as she kept looking at me.

"I love you, Niall."

I moved my upper body over hers, forcing her to move down on the hard cement but she didn't complain. I placed both my hands on each side of her chest to hold myself over her and bent down to kiss her.

"I love you too." i answered, moving up to a bit to look at her.

Her eyes traveled on my face until my lips and she licked hers.

"You said you'd make love to me whenever I'd want." she whispered so low i barely heard. "I really want it now."

"It's not really comfortable." I pointed out, the right corner of my lips moving up.

"Then you're gonna have to be extra gentle with me."

I nodded and sat up, immediately reaching for the hem of her sweatpants and she moved her butt up to help me. She brought her feet off the water and placed them on the ground, her knees up, and my eyes roamed between her legs as I let out a low groan. I took my shirt off and didn't even react when it fell in the pool. It made Olivia chuckle and I just moved gently over her, placing myself between her legs.

One of her hands ran on my chest as I pressed myself against her. I felt her grind up slowly against me and bent down to kiss her. I could feel myself get harder with every move of her hips, even if she was barely moving and I let my lips brush on her jaw and down her neck.

"You should keep your shirt on, I don't want your back all scratched."

I brought my mouth back on hers and I noticed her lips curling in a fond but amused smile.

"You don't want to see me completely naked?"

"Don't be silly." I chuckled again, glancing down and noticing her hard nipples through the fabric of her shirt. "I really fucking do. But you don't need to be naked to turn me on."

She smiled more and I moved down on my elbows, moving her head up gently and placing my hands under it to make sure her head wouldn't rub against the cement.

"Are you sure you want to try it here?"

She didn't say anything, she just kept looking at me as her hands moved between us. One of her palms pressed on my cock and I groaned low. She started nibbling on her bottom lip, slowly pulling my pants down and I pushed myself into her. I was surprised at how wet she already was and how easy it was for us to do this, like our bodies just seemed to fit perfectly together.

"I love you."

I bent down again, kissing her as I started thrusting in and out of her so slowly that I could feel everything incredibly well. So well that it brought sensations in me that I hadn't felt before. I felt impatient and my whole body throbbed even more than usual. It was definitely different than what I was used to but I loved it. I could really see all of her facial expressions and ended up letting out a very low curse word when her lips parted and her eyes fluttered close. I watched her as she moved her chin up and I could feel the back of her head rubbing slowly against the palm of my hands, making a mess of her hair. She looked amazing, all fucked beneath me, and it made me realize how much I loved her.

"I love you too." I whispered back. "So much."

"Just me?"

My movements faltered and her eyes opened slowly. I stared at my best friend, laying under me, and I thought of all the things we went through together and all the things we'll go through together too. I thought about our friendship that turned into love, I thought about us when we were young, I thought about everything I missed with her and everything I lived with her, and I could swear I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Yes, only you."

Her hands traveled on my back until my ass and she let out a short whimper as her thighs pressed on my side to keep me close. I could feel my elbows and the back of my hands hurt from rubbing slightly on the cement but it was really the sharp pain in one of my knees that made it worse. I tried to push it out of my thoughts to focus on her and when she arched her back and started shaking, I knew she was cumming.

"Oh god Niall... I.. I'm..."

I tried to keep my movements slow and steady but it was pure torture until I felt an orgasm reach me. I felt it coming and held my breath as my eyes closed and I groaned again as it spread inside me slower than normally. I could feel it until the tip of my fingers and in my toes and when I came down from my high, I blinked a few times.

"I'm literally seeing spots." I let out with a short laugh.

"Me too." she chuckled just as my sight was getting clear again.

I looked at her laying under me and sighed. Now that it was over, I was more aware of the pain and I grimaced. I let myself roll on my back next to her and she moved her upper body over me with a frown.

"You okay? You're not bleeding are you?"

I brought my hands up to look at them and shook my head.

"I'm sorry." she added, raising her nose up. "We should have tried on the grass. Do you need ice or something?"

"And pizza." I pointed out with an exaggerated pain expression, making her laugh.

"Alright i'll bring all that in the living room."

She was about to get up but I put my hand on her thigh to stop her, my fingers brushing gently on her skin.

"Wait." She stopped and turned to me. "These girls, they mean nothing. You need to trust me."

She sent me a sad smile and shrugged a shoulder very slowly. I was tired to fight and I was scared it would ruin things between us.

"I'll try."

                                                         ---

I was driving the first time I heard 'This Town' on the radio and she was sitting next to me. I didn't know why but I felt incredibly lucky that I was not alone, and even luckier that she was the one with me. Her face illuminated and she let out a short scream, making me smile even more. I parked on the side of the road and she threw herself in my arms awkwardly since we both still had our seat belts on and we looked at each other the whole time it played until the very end.

"This is so fucking good Niall i'm so proud of you!"

I cupped her face and brought her closer a bit roughly, crashing my mouth against her and making her laugh. She grabbed the front of my shirt and deepened the kiss slightly, making me smile through it.

"Fucking hell."

She laughed as we pulled away slightly and smiled more.

"It's a big deal. Your first solo song." she whispered. "And you worked hard for that."

We remained in the car for a while, just flabbergasted by what had happened and a bit ecstatic. I looked at her reacting almost as intensely as me and it made me realize so many things that I just leaned against my seat and sighed. Despite all the fights we had, despite my almost total absence in the past few weeks, despite the fact that we had it hard recently, she was there, she supported me, and she was happy for me.

"A few drinks tonight to celebrate, how's that?" she proposed as I started the car again. "We could invite a few friends?"

"Yea, yea good call!" I let out, glancing at her. "Hey take my phone and go on instagram!"

She frowned a bit but she was still smiling and she did what I was told before looking at me again.

"You want to add something to your story?"she asked as I nodded. "Okay, go ahead!"

"Hello lovers, so we just heard 'This Town' for the first time on the radio a few minutes ago and we went completely crazy!" I just said with a laugh, trying to focus on the road as I passed one of my hands in my hair and shook my head. "Let me just get back home and I'll do a live and answer a few questions!"

She stopped filming and played with my phone for a few seconds before looking at me again.

"That's a very good idea."

With a smile plastered on my face, I parked the car and unlocked the front door before quickly getting my laptop. She put her purse on the couch and I sat next to it right before she disappeared in the kitchen. It took me a few minutes to go live but when I finally was, my smile hadn't faltered not even for a second. I started answering questions, glancing from time to time at Olivia that remained away from the camera. I knew she didn't like to be in the spotlight and that a lot of times, I brought attention to her without meaning to, but the fact that she was still there, in the shadows, to support me, meant the world.

"I was with Liv, it's her you heard on the video." I explained, answering an other question.

I saw my girlfriend grimace when she realized everyone had heard her voice and her probably her laughter when we recorded the small video in the car and my eyes found her again, her expression making me chuckle.

"From the face she's making now, it was clearly not intentional." I pointed out, laughing again.

My eyes caught a comment that made me frown but I tried to ignore it until I saw an other one and I finally closed my eyes, breathing in.

"Okay, i'm normally not the type to give attention to bad mouthing but we're trying to have a nice time and reading shit about my girlfriend is no fun."

I could feel Olivia tense near me as my eyes roamed on the comments.

'No Niall pls stay!!!'

'Ignore them we love her! OTP!'

'Fuck whoever talks shit about her'

'They don't deserve your attention!'

I didn't add anything else but kept on answering questions about an upcoming album, more songs, the process of writing and tour. After over half an hour, I said goodbye and turned my computer off. Olivia had left and I joined her in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. My lips reached her neck and I squeezed her tighter against me.

"Hey, darling." I whispered. I heard her sniff and my heart twitched. "It wasn't that mean. I promise."

I watched her fingers grip the side of the sink more and suddenly felt extremely bad. I shouldn't have commented, that way, she wouldn't know about the mean comments, but when I saw them, I didn't think, I just reacted. It was not like me but reading shit about her made me a bit impulsive and now I regretted it.

"That's what I mean when I say I don't understand why you're dating me." she murmured after swallowing hard. "No one understands why you're dating me."

"People who know nothing about you or our story don't get it, so what?" I just replied, nuzzling her nape. "Fuck them. I know why i'm dating you and i've got a shitton of good reasons."

"Don't tell me you don't doubt us, sometimes, Niall." she shook her head. "Don't tell me it never crosses you mind that you should be dating someone who's in your league. A tall, skinny, gorgeous actress, model, singer... I don't know."

She moved away from me and turned around, her back still facing me. I let my arms fall on each side of my body and sighed a bit loud before rubbing my eyes. I was trying to comfort her but it seemed like nothing i'd do would change anything.

"I'm telling you it's you, okay? I love you!" I argued, getting annoyed again. "I don't get how it's so hard to understand!"

She finally turned to me slowly and I felt a pain at heart when I saw the tears on her red cheeks. I didn't know why it was affecting her that much and I felt like i'd never understand.

"Love is not everything. Contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need." she pointed out, her arms crossed on her chest. She shook her head again and licked her lips as I stayed still, holding my breath. "I don't get why you don't understand how I feel, and I can't seem to explain it. It's useless, Niall. I'm useless."

Without waiting for an answer, she turned around and walked in the hall. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the beating of my heart. I should have ran to her and took her in my arms. I should have tried again to tell her how much she meant to me. I should have begged her to believe me and trust me. Instead, I sat on a chair and sighed loud. I felt defeated and exhausted at the same time. I just wanted us to be happy like we used to be but I didn't know how.

After a good twenty minutes of thinking, I got up and walked to our room, opening the door slowly. She was laying in bed, on her side with her knees up. I took a few steps closer only to realize she was asleep. I put my hands deep in my pockets and stared at her for a few seconds. Her lips were slightly parted and I could hear her breathe a bit louder than usual. I sighed again and found a blanket before putting it over her and bending down.

"You're so much more than you seem to believe." I murmured close to her ear. "I wish I knew how to show you. Maybe i'm the useless one."

[bbrandy2002]

The Diary of Riley Brooks

Entry Two

Wacky Drabble #8: Help me with this, would you?

Coincides with TRH Chapter 13

Some strong Language

Characters belong to Pixelberry

Drabbler Tags: @emceesynonymroll @burnsoslow @sirbeepsalot @jovialyouthmusic @romanticatheart-posts @stopforamoment @dcbbw @jessiembruno @katedrakeohd

Additional tags; I have no idea who is on my permanent tags list anymore😬 I didnt exactly keep up with it 😭 I'll do better. So please let me know so I can get that sorted out.

@ao719 @hopefulmoonobject

September 7

I'm having a baby!

As I sit here trying to let that statement fully sink in, I think about where I was just one year ago today.

I had always dreamt of meeting my Prince Charming, never really expecting to find him. Liam made me realize that fairy tales do exist and sometimes wishes do come true. That sounds so cliche, yet, I don't know any other way to describe what we share together.

He is my heartbeat, my every breath, my reason for existing. Our love is built on passion and longing, his touch excites me and his very presence heats my core. Our bodies joined together, whether fierce or gentle, is pure, unadulterated magic. Liam is my warmth and sincerity, my goodness and truth.

In the depths of my belly, I am carrying the greatest symbol of that love, a part of him and a part of me, a tiny creature that will forever bring us joy.

I spent much of the reception, anxious to find out if I was indeed pregnant. As I wrote yesterday, Savannah admitted to taking a pregnancy test, as well. For whatever reason, possibly one I don't want to ever know, she placed her negative test in the bathroom drawer. Due to Madeleine's incompetence and unwanted presence for this event, she, too, put my test in the drawer. Is there some kind of weird Cordonian tradition I am unaware of that says these test work better in drawers? And why did Savannah leave hers in there? The damn thing was negative. In light of his objection, I have a strong feeling, Mr. Chuck knows more than he is letting on.

Freaked the hell out by Savannah, I knew then, I was the one who was pregnant. I needed air and a moment to think, far away from all the yee-haw bullshit. I sent Liam a text, asking him to meet me in a clearing by the house, I had a surprise for him. Within seconds, he approaches me with a flirtatious smile, looking as if he was ready to fuck me six ways from Sunday. I love that man and I'm always more than willing to participate in his freakish, outdoor sex fetish, but, this wasn't what I had in mind.

After I tell him we are a having a baby, he sweeps me up in his arms, gently placing me back to the ground. His happiness was written all over his face, until it wasn't. He went into Liam mode, panicking about the need to baby proof every room at the Palace and Valtoria. As much as I loved his cute response, I wanted tears dammit. I wanted him on his knees, crying his eyes out, unable to talk, worshipping my stomach. Mick Jagger said you can't always get what you want, but, sometimes you get what you need....well, I needed a sobbing, shaking Liam, is that too much to ask?

We discuss when to tell our friends and because I'm a petty, evil bitch, I decide we should tell them right in the middle of Savannah and Bertrand's reception. You propose at my wedding, I announce the equivalent of the second coming, in the form of my sacred child, at yours. I couldn't care less for the rest of the wedding attendees, but, seeing Hana, Drake, Maxwell and Bertrand delight in our news was exciting.

Afterwards, Liam wants to celebrate in private, which means, we might talk some, but, he still has every intention of getting off tonight. We head upstairs and I was correct in my assumption, he wants to celebrate making the baby by doing what we did to make it. He is a wet panty dropper for sure. And while some ride Harley's and horses, I propped my little pregnant ass on my own stallion and rode him hard. If Barthelemy weren't already out of his coma, me screaming Liam's name when I climaxed, would have awakened the old coot for sure.

If my panties weren't already off, after he sang a lullaby to our baby, that for sure would have melted them away. If he keeps this up, we'll have our own 20 Kids and Counting reality show.

I should have stayed in fucking bed this morning. At breakfast, Bertrand greeted us in kind, while Stick-It-In-A-Drawer Savannah, reminded us all that we are not at court. Why is she still here and not on her honeymoon? Then Leona tells me I can't have a cup of coffee....bitch, I was downing shots like no tomorrow just three days ago with Liv and Hana in Auvernal. This queen will drink a cup of coffee if she damn well pleases. My baby is probably going to come out with two heads.

Like the lovable, little genius he is, Maxwell suggests everyone buys the baby a gift. Guess who further suggested we get these gifts from the local country general store? The same damn place that was using a priceless saddle as a fucking hat holder. I can't even write her name anymore. I have to wonder, why I have been playing second fiddle on Hee-Haw Hell to her during this trip.

So the gang and I pack into our vehicle and head back to said store, where I can share with all of Cordonia that the royal crib was purchased at Wild Chester's Gear and Steer on Bootleg Road. I watched Maxwell fawn over socks, Hana recreated painful memories of lonely tea parties, and Drake...well, Drake's little wooden horse was quite adorable.

I get a call from Olivia, who somehow managed to escape earlier from this shithole than I did. I thought we were amigas now Liv? She actually cried when I told her Liam and I were expecting. I don't know what the hell she is doing in my bedroom, but, if Livvie needs something there, I'm more than happy to help a girl out. She asked me for the most valuable thing in my room, I lied to her and told her it was the royal sceptre. If she only knew the value of the dildo I had in my nightstand....that better be exactly where I left it when I get back.

Back at the ranch, Liam says the five most beautiful, glorious words I have been waiting to here for weeks.....We're almost ready to go....Hot Damn!

Bianca asked me if I thought I could get away without saying goodbye...I already knew the answer was, no. If she only knew how hard I tried about twenty times since arriving to cut tail and run. And damn that heartless, nazi, Leona, she for real dissed my husband! Bitch, I will snap you in half over Liam.

Just when I think I'm finally in the clear, who in the blue fuck put me on a plane for the next 10 hours with Frick, Frack and Kiara?

Liam, I love you, but, damn you! I'm nauseous, tired, moody, and pissing buckets every 10 minutes, carrying your child, and you thought this was a good idea.

I blame pregnancy brain for my decision to tell these three our big news. I'm not the greatest at charades, Im not even the smartest person in the world, but, I swear to God, these three may quite possibly be the dumbest morons I have ever met. They guessed I was full, I was bloated, gluttony.....fucking gluttony???? Yes Penelope, the big news I wanted to share with you is I'm a glutton. Maybe a glutton for punishment, deciding to interact with you three. More guesses included, American Football, and a common pirate jig....one of these women is an ambassador and the other my communications director. I'm a waitress from Brooklyn, and my word, I'm truly baffled by the sheer stupididy I had just witnessed. I turned to Liam, pleading with my eyes, help me with this, would you?

As bad as those three were, out of no where, the most incompetant, security guard on this planet, appears right before me. I didn't have time to worry about her, because apparently, the bane of my existence just scheduled a press conference to announce my pregnancy. I haven't seen a doctor to even confirm yet, what the hell Madeleine. One of these days, I am gonna beat that green goblin's ass down.

Cordonia, I'm on my way and can't be there soon enough.

Riley

[madamsixx]

Beyond The Leather: Chapter 12: You’re Invited, But Your Friends Can’t Come

August 1985

It was My Bazzar Magazine Fashion New York Shoot today and I was very excited. I never thought I would get to this point. My Sports Illustrated Magazine shoot gave me more opportunities. I was getting more calls to do more magazines and more calls for movie auditions next year. I was making more money then I could imagine, and Tamara was over the moon with how I was presenting my self.

Speaking of Tamara, she had no clue about what happened with me when I went out with the Motley boys. And I wasn't planning on telling her.

"Hey girl you ready for your shoot?" Lisa asks walking into my change room.

"Just about." I smile.

"Don't smile." The glam team states as there doing my make up.

"Sorry."

I was finally done and I was ready to go. I looked amazing. I walked over to Lisa who was holding a camera. She wanted to take a picture with me. And I was happy to. We walked out of the room and into the hall. She looked like she wanted to say something but was a bit hesitant to.

"What's wrong Lisa?" I stopped her and asked.

"Its nothing it's just.... I haven't heard from Vince since the after party and.. I mean.... well... he told me he would call me." She shrugs.

I should have told Lisa this is how they behave. They sleep with girls and take off. You can't expect a real relationship to come from any one of them. Not even Tommy who is gaga over Heather.

"Look I'm going to take my pictures and then when Im done we'll talk more about this." I continued walking.

"Ok. It could probably be because Nikki got you high and drunk. Maybe that's why he's avoiding me." She crossed her arms.

I stopped in my tracks and looked at Lisa with wide eyes. What did she mean by Nikki got me high and drunk.

"Wait Nikki said I drank too much punch that had whiskey in it." I stated.

"You did buuuut when you were alittle tipsy he gave you brownies that had weed in it. And then got you high and took you to the bar and ordered you cranberry juice and jack. And that got you drunk." She giggled. "I thought he told you."

My breathing started to get heavy. I should have known that he would do that. And what makes it worse is that he was busy calling the hotel begging to speak me. And I let his call come through and spoke to him. He was talking casually to me like he didn't do a single thing. Every time I think he's a good guy something always comes up to tell me other wise. I even went as far as to thank him for taking care of me while I was drunk. Not knowing that he was the one that actually got me to that point.

"Mani....Mani." Lisa hit my shoulder.

"Sorry I'm good let's just go." I continued walking out to the set. I was to be taking a picture beside a white stallion in a barn area of some sort out side. I felt agitated and annoyed. I was suppose to be focusing on this shoot but instead I was focused on how much I was starting to hate Nikki. And hate is a strong word that we should not be using. But I'm using it, and it's being used on Nikki Sixx.

"Alright Miss Darlington grab the horse." The photographer shouted. I grabbed the horse with thoughts of Nikki in my head. Is there a reason why he didn't tell me that he was the one that got me drunk. Questions were running through my mind and I needed answers.

"Alright that's a wrap". The photographer shouted.

I headed towards my dressing room and just sat there looking at my self in the mirror.

Nikki Sixx equals trouble. ________

September 25, 1985

I have been waiting for this week to come by and it is finally here. New York fashion week. It was being held in Manhattan at the skylight Clarkson Square. I already booked 15 shows and was paid a lot of money for it. I walked down the aisle with my head held high owning it. Tamara actually cried, I was shocked. But she was so happy to see me up there.

My whole family showed up for the show. And also some friends. I called Slash and his family to see if they could come but unfortunately he wasn't able too. However he did have some good news for me. He found a band in July. He was trying to get a hold of me but I was so busy it was hard for us to talk. I think the bands name is Guns N Roses. He told me that they were playing in LA at clubs like the Whisky a Go Go, Trabadour, and The Roxy. After im finished in New York I'll head down to LA to check out there gig. I'm very happy for him.

Also Motley Crues Theater of pain album has been climbing to the top of the charts. So much for Vince saying that the album sucked. Speaking of Vince, I invited him to come and watch me walk my first runway. But not just for that, today was the last day of fashion week. But it's also my Birthday, and I'm having a party well actually a dinner. Vince agreed not to tell the other guys seeing as my family was here and I didnt want anything bad to happen. My mom really liked Vince. It turns out that Vince was quite the charmer. My sisters even liked him. Me and Vince agreed not to say anything about Vince being in the band Motley Crue.... for now. We settled on him being Lisa's date. And yes I got Vince to call Lisa, I felt really bad. But is it weird that I was starting to like Vince..... a lot.

As for Nikki he called and tried to talk to me but I confronted him and ended up hanging the phone on his lying behind. He's been calling non stop after that leaving crazy messges. Personally, I think he's psychotic. He should have just told the truth. But knowing him, its always lies that come out of his mouth. And I wasn't going to beleive a single thing he had to say.

We ate dinner and everyone got along well. I finally had somthing go right... for now. _______

October 18, 1985, Toronto Canada

12:00 pm

A couple days after my first runway and birthday I headed home for a bit of a much needed break. Especially because I was doing interview after interview and commercials. Me and my sisters just got back from shopping we bought alot of things, well I bought alot of things. Just to have some sister time felt so good. Since I became famous we haven't spent alot of time with each other so it was nice going out.

We started taking our clothes out of our shopping bags and trying them on.

"This dress is really nice I should wear it when we go out some time." I looked over at Selena she's the oldest but shes really short. She put on a short blue dress and it really looked nice on her.

"I think so too. I like this skirt and top." I say putting the clothing on the bed matching them together. "You guys care too much about what you wear it's annoying." Felicia my younger sister is a tom boy she likes wearing mostly T-shirts and sweat pants. Where as Selena and I like dressing up. Maya the youngest was 2 so we usually dressed her up.

"Iman phone!" My mom yelled.

"Who is it?" I asked

"Vince!"

I ran to go get the phone. "Vince hey what's up!"

"Hey Mani, guess what?"

"What?" I said,

"Motley Crue is in Toronto baby!"

He shouted with excitment. I thought he was joking but when I looked and saw the number on the phone. I realized it was a number at one of the hotels downtown.

"No way, oh my God we have to chill."

"Hell yeah we do girl. So uuuuh can you call up some of your friends and come down to the Maple Leaf Gradens show today?"

"Is that where you guys are playing?"

"Yeah you should come watch us. This show is gonna be fucking crazy!"

"Considering what happened last time when I went to go see you guys in New York and ended up a drunk mess in Nikki's room. I think it would be a great idea to pass on that. I can meet you before the show and we can go out. I know some really fun places."

"Oh yeah sorry about that."

"We'll talk more when I see you, what hotel are you staying at?"

"The Hilton. Meet me there for about 4."

"Sounds great."

"Listen I didnt-"

(Loud yelling)

"Hello, hello, Vince?" All I could hear was loud yelling and the phone being hit around.

"Hello.... Vince?"

"Mani?"

I can't even tell you how fast I dropped the phone. It was Nikki. And I had no intention of speaking to him. ________

3:15 pm

I called up some of my friends and we drove down to the Hilton. My crew was Mia, Ashley, and Anna. We met in elementary school and stayed friends. They have always been there for me. We had other friends but us four were the tightest. We were ride or dies. They were so excited to meet Vince. My friends are like me but a bit worse. I won't lie they're very judgemental divas and would never settle for less. Oh like me, so never mind. I told them about the rest of the Motley boys. But they weren't interested in them especially because of the way they looked. We finally made it to the hotel and I called Vince from downstairs.

"Hey there sugar!" Vince shouted.

"Hey Vince!" I shouted back. I ran and gave him a big hug. We both walked backed to my friends. They started giggling and smiling as if me and Vince were a couple.

"My friend Mia drove so were going to go in her car and go to this wings place." I smiled.

Vince put his arm around me and smiled with all teeth. "That sounds great sweetheart."

"Yeah that does sound great." We heard a voice behind us and we all turned around. It was Nikki and Tommy.

"Oh h..hey guys. Uh we were just heading out." Vince said in a nervous voice. Nikki was glaring at me. It was a look that I couldn't even read. But I knew he was angry. And so was Tommy.

"Hope we can join you. I mean we weren't invited." Tommy snorted and glared at us.

"Theres no room in my car. It only seats five people sorry." Mia stated and smirked at Tommy.

"Sweety we don't need your cheap car we have limos. Were rockstars." Nikki and Tommy pushed passed us and walked out.

This was going to be a very chaotic afternoon. ______

We arrived at Wings Palace and everyone ordered what they wanted. The boys were so loud and ordered alot of alcohol. They started getting very rowdy and people were staring at us. Some were disapproving of them while others were taking pictures of us. Young fans came over to ask for autographs and some girls would even go as far as to ask them to sign there breasts. And I mean lift up there shirts right there with no bra. Yuk.

"So why the fuck weren't we invited out hmm?" Tommy asked looking at me.

"Uh well..... I didn't know if you wanted to come." I scratched my head. Wow Iman great lie Tommy's down for anything.

"I smell a bullshitter." Nikki snorted looking at me.

"What ever Nikki." I rolled my eyes. Nikki sat right beside me in the booth he was on the right I was in the middle and Mia on my other side. Vince sat across, he was in the middle Anna on his right and Ashley on his left he had both arms around them. They were in heaven. Tommy sat in chair pulled up to the table.

"So Vince what's it's like being a Rock Star. I see the whole bad boys behaviour on TV but you honestly don't look the type." Ashley smiled.

"Pfft." Nikki snorted "Vince is just as bad as us."

"Probably, but he looks better that's for sure." Anna cooed.

"Why cause he's a blonde hair bitch." Tommy and Nikki laughed.

"Y'know jealousy dosen't look good on you two." Ashley sneered.

"Neither does your hair cut." Nikki laughed.

I turned and glared at Nikki. "knock it off." I hissed.

"Fuck off." He said flipping me off.

"Here are your wings boys." The server said as she brought our wings. She looked over at Nikki and smiled.

"Thank you bye now." I shooed her away.

"Jealous are we." Nikki smirked.

"I would never be jealous of a girl that wanted to talk to you." I snorted.

"You know Iman at one point I actually thought you were a cool chick, but seeing as you didn't even want me and Sixx around to meet your stiff friends I think your a fucking bitch." Tommy says waving his hands at me.

"Wow real classy I can see why she didn't invite you two losers." Mia said as she bit a wing.

"Fuck you stupid cunt!" Nikki shouted throwing wings at Mia.

"Nikki stop!" I shouted.

"Get these losers out of here. You think because your rockstars you can talk to people any how you want!" Mia shouted.

"Ok woah guys now calm down." Vince raised his hands up.

"This is why I didnt invite you two. Everytime I go out with you two something always happens. Your either drunk or high or both!" I yelled and pushed Nikki out of the booth.

Nikki got up and thrashed the table throwing all the food to the floor and spilling the drinks every where on everyone.

"Fuck you bitches! I heard you were hear and I wanted to say sorry for what I did last time!" He gestured to me. "But I change my mind, you deserved to look like a drunken whore at that party!" Nikki yelled in my face.

My eyes went wide. I didn't know whether I wanted to slap him across the face or kill him. Instead, I got out of the booth and ran out of the building. I had enough of this guy and I wasn't going to put up with him any longer.

"Iman wait!" Nikki shouted and ran after me.

I picked up my pace and ran faster with tears filling my eyes and running down my cheeks. I didnt want to see any one, I just wanted to get as far away from them as possible. I ran straight inside the downtown Library were I knew I wouldn't be found.

"Iman!" Nikki shouted, or I thought I wouldn't be found. I ran up the stairs and stood in the corner of the library. Taking my hands and rubbing my wet face.

"God Nikki just leave me alone!" I shouted.

"No!" He shouted back.

"Shh" we were both startled by the librarian who came over to us "This is a quiet library not a place for you guys to be yelling. You can do that outside." The librarian hissed. We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

"Please just leave me alone Nikki." I whispered.

"No." He argues. "Not until you hear me out." I rolled my eyes.

"Look princess I fucked up at the party when I got you drunk ok and I'm sorry. I didn't tell you because... because I knew if I did you would never speak to me again. And I didn't want that for us."

I sighed."Nikki I would rather you tell me the truth than lie in my face. It makes me wonder what else you actually lie about."

"Ok you want to talk truth. Well why did you invite Vince to your first runway and Birthday? You didn't even tell me, Tommy, or fucking Mick about it? What kind of bullshit is that?" Nikki raised his voice turning me to face him.

I should kill Vince for saying anything to them. I told him not to and now I have to answer for it.

"Well me and Vince became close we talk now and then. I tell him about things I'm doing and he tells me about the things he's doing." I say looking at my feet. I looked back up and Nikki and he just had a sad expression on his face.

"And you can't do that with me? That's what your basically trying to say right?"

"No Nikki I cant! And I don't want to!" I said that with a harsh tone. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt my feelings back at Wings Palace and for every other place he had hurt me. But when I looked into his eyes he looks like he could cry right now. And I felt a bit guilty for what I said. Until his face changed into the angry Nikki I was used to seeing.

"Fine fuck you then!" He snapped and walked away.

I met back up with my friends and we hung around later then I expected. We stayed for the show which turned out to be great. I had to call my mom from the arena so she wouldn't freak out. But she wanted me home anyways. We said our goodbyes to Vince and Mick. Tommy and Nikki ignored me and my friends. So that was a great night. Not!

_____ 3.22 am

I was in my room sleeping when all of a sudden a car horn started going off outside and someone started screaming my name at the top of their lungs. It was probably a crazy fan. All the lights went on and everyone ran out of their rooms and headed to the front door. I looked out the door and..oh my God it was Nikki. He was smiling drunkenly at me with his Jack Daniel's bottle in his hand. He was still in his stage clothes and he looked like a mess. Tommy was with him grabbing him trying to get him back in the car. How the hell did they know where I lived.

"Oh there look T bone! Awww theres my princess! Look how fucking beautiful you are!" Nikki slurred.

I moved and hid behind the door so he wouldnt see me again. I can't believe this guy came here like this. I'm so embarrassed.

"No! Mani baby please I'm sorry. I just...I'm a mess!" He slurred and fell on the ground with his bottle spilling.

"Who is this man?" My mom yelled "call security right now and get these dirty drunks off my property now!" My demanded. "Get off my property or I'll call the cops!" She yelled in there direction.

"Look im really sorry I'll take him home please don't call the cops!" Tommy shouted back.

"Mani baby just wait for me please. I'll get my shit together I promise! Just dont break yours!" Nikki shouted as Tommy picked him up and through him in the back of the car.

"I'm really sorry!" Tommy shouted and waved. He got in his car and drove off.

My mom shut the door and looked at me with a straight face. "Start talking now!" She shouted at me.

"I don't... I don't know those guys." I said with a hesitant voice.

"Do not lie in my face. Cause if I find out that your involved with any guy. You are done with your career. Especially if he looks like that pile of junk outside! They look like a bunch of leather head rock stars! Well not for my daughter! You will get a good Catholic man!" My mom pointed in my face.

"I don't know him, it happens in LA a lot when I'm on the streets." I whispered. I was terrified of my mom. I felt like I was about to pee in my pants when she gave me that look. The sweat was drizzling down my face and in my Pitts. My breathing was heavy and I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Good for nothing rock star junkies is what they are." She walked away and my sisters looked at me then walked upstairs to there room. I hated lying to my mom, but this lie had to be told.

I walked up to my room and I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. I thought about the promise that I made to Nikki. A promise that unfortunately I would have to break. My mom would never accept Nikki. Even if I ended up falling in love with someone like him. She could never accept him for all his chains and leather.

[krpk-remaking]

pairo

a kurapika character study and a speculation on his future

the first time he thinks about specifically pairo in a while is, when the little kid hes just met jumps off the boat to save the sailor.

he and leorio grab hold of gon before the ocean swallows him and he cant help but think back to when pairo grabbed hold of him, damaging his legs and eyes in the fall because then, no one had grabbed them.

it makes him wonder what pairo would be like if he was still alive today - a stupid thought, he knows.

he‘ll never find out.

he tags along with gon.

he tells himself that its not because he reminds him of pairo in a way.

leorio joins them, too.

they fight some more, petty arguments that adults wouldnt have.

probably, because they arent, even if they pretend to be.

they reach the hunter exams.

he tells leorio.

not every detail but enough. and he finds out, that leorios lost a friend too - maybe gon reminded him of that lost friend too. it hurts to be reminded so much of pairo but he deals with it.

he distracts himself.

as always.

maybe leorios sillyness helps.

he cant be weak right now. they reach trick tower.

he sees the spider tattoo.

he KNOWS its fake but its enough.

leorio deals with the aftermath.

then, no pairo for a few days.

they finish trick tower and take on the island.

he finds leorio, then gon finds them.

its only when both of them nearly die, that he is reminded of the loss hes experienced.

but gon doesnt loose hope so neither does he.  

its so painfully pairo, to not loose hope. they all get through the challenge, him, gon, leorio, and killua too. hanzo breaks gons arm.

he doesnt understand how someone could just break a kids arm.

both he and leorio. later, killuas older brother reveals himself.

he wont let him hurt any children.

leorio and hanzo stand by his side. gon wakes up, they go to get killua, and once again gon reminds him of pairo too much.

then, separation.

he thinks less of individual loss.

revenge takes up his mind without any distractions around.

he learns nen, makes his chains, gets the job, goes to york new city.

people tell him the revenge will destroy him

he doesnt really care.

he thinks about them sometimes but not too much, he needs to stay focused.

melody knows now, too.

shes trustworthy he guesses.

no way to hide it from her either way.

he doesnt really care.

its september first and he doesnt go to meet them. leorio calls and he tells him hes busy with work.

he kills his first spider and its worse than he thought itd be.

he prays and for the first time in months, thinks about pairo again.

the spiders know him as the chain user now and theres no going back.

he doesnt really care.

nothing else in his life but revenge now.

too much happens, but he gets the eyes and thats what counts.

the spiders fake their death and he meets the others in the park.

he didnt realize how much hed missed them and laughs, for the first time in a long while.

he finds out that the spiders are alive.

gon leorio and killua insist on helping and he cant stop them.

he knows hed care if something happened to them and he hates it.

he takes the leader.

they send pakunoda.

he binds both of their nens.

he falls into a fever and pairos there again.

he sees him in hallucinations and the guilt kills him.

if hed been more careful and stayed away from the cliff, pairo wouldnt have saved him, wouldnt have been hurt, wouldve been able to leave to the outside with him, would still be alive.

its a selfish wish.

the survivors are the ones that bear most of the pain he knows this.

its selfish to wish this fate on another person, just so he wouldnt be alone.

he never did find that doctor for pairo.

when he wakes up from agony filled fever dreams, for only minutes at a time, leorio is there.

melody too sometimes.

often, leorio is sleeping, leaned against the wall next to him but when he isnt, leorio makes him drink water and swallow pills.

it hurts his throat.

cant he just go back to sleeping?

melody tells him that the nostrade girl is alright.

he wont loose his job.

he‘ll get the eyes.

all of them.

thanks to leorio, his fever goes away.

he thanks him.

but he wonders if leorio wouldve been able to help pairos eyes and legs.

leorio lost a friend and dealt with it by doing his best to not let anyone ever die again.

he lost his entire clan and dealt with it through pure destruction.

if it had only been pairo alone, maybe hed be training to be a doctor right now, too.

but he isnt that noble.

he knows that everyone was right and that the revenge is making him rot from the inside but theres no going back now.

hes gone back to not caring again.

its better to not care.

when he leaves, he doesnt tell gon and killua.

theyre kids, they shouldnt be involved in all this.

he cant get away without telling leorio, though.

he lies and tells him, theyll all reunite soon, but he knows they wont.

its better that way.

leorio pulls melody aside and tells her to take care of him.

he pretends he doesnt hear them.

how selfrighteous of leorio.

he goes back to his job.

starts hunting down the remaining eyes.

keeps climbing the ranks in the nostrade family.

hes good and they know.

leorio tries calling him, a lot.

he never picks up.

why wont he just take the hint.

its better to not get close.

he doesnt admit it, but its nice to know that leorio cares.

he misses them.

the chimera ants happen and he hears on the news.

it doesnt concern him.

leorio still tries to call.

the chimera ants are dealt with.

someone died.

its the chairman he thinks.

leorio tries to call him a few times, again.

he sends texts too but he doesnt read them.

he doesnt have time.

he cant get close.

they shouldnt get close.

its too late, he figures, so maybe „they shouldnt get any closer than they already are“ is a better wording.

he hasnt thought about anything but revenge for so long.

he hasnt thought about just pairo for a while.

its nicer that way.

replacing any sadness with anger keeps him from crying.

mizai shows up.

joining the zodiacs seems useful to get the remaining eyes.

he finally answers one of leorios calls.

he cant give him his email.

too close.

mizai knows enough already.

hes thankful to, and for leorio.

he doesnt get why leorio still does all this, after everything he has tried to push him away.

then, prince woble.

she has little personality yet, shes a baby, but exactly because of that, shes the least rotten person hes met.

he sees the fear in queen oitos eyes and he promises her that he will protect them.

he doesnt lie for a change.

again, everything happens so fast.

they board the ship, everything spirals out of control.

if he keeps using emperor time, he‘ll be dead by the end of the week and he knows this.

leorio is there too but he doesnt see him.

he blacks out once, because he overused nen and bill nearly calls a doctor.

he wouldnt admit it, ever, he feels selfish to even think it, but it wouldve been nice to see leorio again.

theres too much going on to think of pairo.

a few princes die, others learn nen.

a big fight breaks out a few decks under his but he doesnt care, he focuses on prince woble and protecting her.

then, queen oito dies.

he feels it in every last bit of his body.

they were still connected through emperor time and he feels the sensation of death.

hes with melody and bill when it happens.

they were on break.

how stupid of him to think he deserves to rest.

he uses his last strenght to tell them that they need to get to queen oito and he sees bill sprinting away before his vision goes dark.

he doesnt die.

why should he, his body is still in more or less good condition.

but he knows death now.

when he wakes up, leorio is there.

panic overcomes him but leorio tells him to rest and that prince woble is alive.

leorio looks so, so angry, that a mother had to die to protect a baby from a unnecessary war over a stupid throne.

he would be too, but hes just become too good at turning his emotions off.

he tells him that hisoka killed most of the spiders until the woman with pink hair landed the final blow on him.

its only her and killuas younger sibling now.

he feels weirdly empty, and relieved at the same time.

its the most hes felt in a while.

he gets better fast and leaves again.

leorio tries to hug him goodbye but he pretends he doesnt notice and turns away.

leorio tells him to be careful.

„okay“ he lies.

then the sucession war is over.

somehow, prince woble is still alive and he is too.

thanks to leorio, probably.

hes gotten a lot stronger and better at using nen.

prince fuugetsu has the throne now, offiially.

shes griefstrucken but shes managing.

hes thankful to her kind nature and melodys newfound connection to her.

without her, they couldnt have faked prince wobles death.

then he goes to retrive the eyes from prince tsnedderichs chamber, leaves woble in melodys care for a bit.

leorio insists on coming with him, as emotional support.

he tells him he doesnt need it but leorio insists.

he regrets not being more forceful.

he regrets so, so much

its pairo again.

its his head.

the prince had his head in a jar, the middle piece to the missing eyes.

he stares into pairos dead eyes and for the first time in years, actually cries.

he thought that by now, he might have forgotten how to cry but he hasnt.

he screams and cries and everything just spills out.

he just cant grasp how someone could murder a child, cut off their head, and sell it.

he cant.

he hates how he cares.

leorio tries to hold him and he pushes him away, this time literally, but leorio is physically stronger than him.

he cries and punches and kicks leorio but he doesnt let go.

eventually he blacks out and he guesses that leorio carried him back to the med bay because thats where he wakes up.

leorio is once again asleep in a chair next to him.

theres a huge box next to him and kurapika knows whats in it.

oh the irony of it all.

finally a doctor who maybe couldve helped pairo and pairo is even here.

but its too late and pairo is dead and gone and its his fault.

he knows the spiders are truly at fault but you cant get rid of guilt that sits deep in your soul that easily.

he just lays there and thinks, of pairo and everything thats happend since he swore revenge, now eight years ago.

pairo made him promise to have fun, back then, before he left.

he never got to ask him if he did have fun.

melody comes in, holding woble and her eyes widen with happiness when she see that hes awake.

he holds a finger to his mouth and points at leorio.

she just smiles, sits down on the other chair.

then hands him woble.

the prince is sleeping, too.

she smiles in her sleep.

he looks at the sleeping baby, looks at melody, the sleeping leorio, thinks of gon and killua who are waiting back home, and smiles back at the child.

if pairo could still ask if he had fun, kurapika would truthfully say yes.

[hasksmfkan]

one last horror story

here’s the thing, i feel i should just get these out of the way. it could be that i’ve been binge watching criminal minds for day and that always gets yah but also i would like to get some things out of the way, off of my chest, so that i can just start talking about more random things that come to my mind... because that’s what i want this to be about is a look into my own mind but there are definitely stories i will be sharing for the sake of putting them into words and they will not always be sad! my entire life isn’t sad, i promise.

i also want it noted why i completely lost my mind, this isn’t about “oh i want people to hate this guy” it’s more of “this is why people hate me and here’s what i have to say” in fact this is a sad story, not even a hateful one.

i’ve only talked about this with a number of people because it is a very, very long story, but i have made two of my friends cry with this, i’m numb to it.

so it all starts in a very happy time in my life actually, it was about march of 2016 and i was working at a daycare and i shit you not some of those kids, after a while, were a decent reason for me to even get out of bed in the morning... dear god, i was in love. i mostly fell in love with a beautiful 1 1/2 year old, h, i swear this girl was the light of my life at that moment. i won’t get too into that, i cry every time i bring her up. one day i was about to take out the trash and head to my car and i saw her dad, e, and he asked me if i wanted help, he offered to just throw the bag in the back of his car and take it to the dumpster and i let him. he was 29 and he just seemed real approachable so a couple weeks later i came up to him as he was leaving and told him that i may be way out of line, but i would love to babysit h if i could at any time because i love her so dearly and needed the extra cash (daycare’s pay like shit). this dumb ass goes “oh, rockin” blah blah and we exchange numbers and he said he’d text me when he needed me. he ended up texting me and i baby sat her like two times before my boyfriend at the time started getting very, very jealous. so long story short it turned into like every time i was alone or texting, i was fucking e. which i wasn’t! so then i am driving and e calls me and asks me why his girlfriend at the time, k, is calling him saying c contacted her and told her we are sleeping together i was like ????? so i drive to his work and that got bad but i ended up discovering that  this dude went through the trouble of going on some job resume sight and finding k’s brother (don’t know how he knew her last name) and got a hold of him and through him, got a hold of k and emailed her that me and e were sleeping together, as you can imagine i lost my shit. so if that wasn’t enough, a couple days later i got randomly as fuck fired, no one ever even officially fired me or told me why, but e told me he saw c’s rusty ass car there the day before and i figured he had told my boss. so not only was i clearly fired. but k was so mad thinking that i was sleeping with her boyfriend that she stated i could never see my little h again..... other than my break up with c i don’t think my heart had ever been that broken, oh god i cried for days.

e and i continued our friendship though because he seemed like a rockin’ guy and i’ve been known to get along with 30 year old men, so yeah we occasionally texted but it was never anything sexual. i mean, i definitely knew he had the hots for me, i’m not dumb, but he wasn’t coming on to me at that time (after c and i broke up i was seeing him for a while though cuz he had alcohol of coke and we’ll talk about my sleep struggle some other time) but yeah, at the time i was literally not sleeping with the dude. but i mean, fuck i guess i was because every damn time i wanted alone time, i was accused of doing so. every time i was texting, i was accused of doing so, it got ridiculous.

okay so a lot of shit happened in the relationship in the mean time but now we are fast forwarding to september of 2016 and it will be clear why i shared that previous story, that is when my 2 weeks of living hell started. i think i was punk’d??? i hope someone was recording because god that’d make a good movie wow.

okay so here i am and my dumb ass made a tinder because i wanted to meet friends! i know, that sounds like bull shit but c lived with me and i just had no friends and if i did, he was always around when i was hanging out with them... so i knew tinder wasn’t my best bet for friends, but i tried! didn’t cheat and so i ended up just talking to one person, a, and granted while i am bi-sexual, i was in a relationship and before she even knew that she had stated she wasn’t into girls. so i was like “ah, perfect!” and the first time we hung out was at her house and it was just so great to have some girl time and get to know this new stranger, while yes she is beautiful, i was truly much more fascinated with her brain... she has an interesting one and a nice outlook on life. i believe it was only the second time we hung out and the first time she came by my house that she slept over, c was aware of this. we are sitting around and a is originally from colorado so she’s used to getting bud much cheaper than she does around here and i thought to myself “ah, e is old. he will give us more for cheaper!” so it was like 1am and i hit him up and we go to his place to get some bud. we were just all sitting in the kitchen talking when i got a text from c saying “get home, now” and so i did, i was scared shitless, don’t think i even said anything to him. i knew then that he had clearly driven his car past my house and saw that i was gone and then drove to e’s house to see if my car was there which surely enough it was. the next morning he comes to my door and i told him to leave because i had a friend over and did not want to fight, he really creepily kind of whispers “don’t worry baby, we won’t fight. i’m not mad.” so i let him in and the second i did, surely enough he started screaming at me about what a worthless slut i am, started hitting me, trying to get the ring off of my finger. i screamed for a and she comes running down stairs and shit and he tries telling her that i’m this slut or whatever i don’t even remember, i don’t remember if i gave him the ring but i do remember that he broke up with me, he left and that was all i cared about. (i came to find out that earlier that morning he stopped at e’s and key’d his entire car, slashed all his tires, and broke all of his mirrors. about 7,000 in damage to that guys car because he was so sure i cheated that night) i know you’re already thinking “why didn’t that bitch go home after that, like damn” because she’s a fucking trooper and that’s only half of the battle she went through with this. we decided we were going to have another sleep over and granted by then i could kind of tell she was into me, but i didn’t really think like that because she was totally into guys. so here we are and we were eating dinner when (my dad is out of town this whole time) c calls me in distress and pretty much was just not in the safest environment and needed somewhere to go and me being myself could not leave him where he was so i told him i would pick him up and he could spend the night but he was to sleep in my second bedroom and be respectful of the fact that i already have a friend over who is also spending the night. we picked him up and for a decent ass amount of the night it actually went well but then it was like after midnight and we were all going to go to bed and i reminded c that he was to sleep in the other room, he starts freaking out blah blah blah and then long story short i am laying in bed with a and let’s keep in mind c broke up with me the day before, not the first time he had so this time i was not going back without a fight. so i am completely single with this adorable girl and she kind of starts snuggling with me and she ended up kissing me and i shit you not, not even a full second later c swings the damn door open, picks me up like a little baby screaming “get the fuck away from my girlfriend” and throws me gracefully as fuck into the hallway, i was like “damn”. so he starts with the whole “how could you do this to me” shit and i was straight up like “nope, you broke up with me and you have multiple times so this time i am sitting on this for at least a week, we are not together. you did this, time to face the consequences”. bitchy? yeah, but i was done getting manipulated in that sense.

now it is the next morning and for whatever reason a is being her angel self and offers c a cup of coffee which he said yes to, she made it and i bring it to him along with the creamer because i did not know how much he wanted, simple as that. he get’s highly offended by this?? i don’t remember what he said but his ass did not drink that damn coffee so then we are all upstairs a while later... i don’t remember how but somehow he makes a rude remark about how “a didnt offer him coffee” or something literally fucking dumb like that and i just absolutely lost it, sat there screaming about coffee like an idiot for about 15 minutes. i then told c he needed to leave my house to which he notoriously replies “no” and i’m like “lol okay let’s get petty” so i call raul who was on vacation with his girlfriend and was rightfully pissed that i am having to call him for absolutely not the first time to get c out of our house. raul states c could take his bike because i had picked him up, he did not care he just wanted the damn kid out... so he complies and i told him i would meet him in the garage, i was going to get the bike off the wall hanger. i kept my dad on the phone this whole time because i knew if i hung up, i’d just be calling him back, so i’m sitting there talking to my dad for a minute and i realize “wow, c is taking a while to come upstairs... i should probably go see what he is doing”. tell me why i walk upstairs to see in my hallway, by my door, c holding a up against the wall and repeatedly punching her in the face/head. i dead ass dropped my phone and screamed, i ran over and attacked the hell out of the kid. (i should quickly state that the first person to ever lay hands on someone in this relationship was in all honesty yours truly, i wasn’t just senselessly beating the kid but when i got mad, i’d swing... terrible anger problems, we’re past that. but yes, i definitely was the first one.) we end up, together, shoving him out of the door and the idiot takes off stumbling, sprinting to the bike he knew i had waiting for him and he just took off. you could imagine after that that a bitch needed a cigarette and so we go to the garage for a to smoke her cigarette and we are standing there talking when i hear pounding on my garage door and a woman telling me to open up and let her in, i had no idea who this could be so i said nothing and was ready to go out there and kick some ass. she then pounds again and this time adds “kayla, let me in or i’m going to call your dad!” i’m like ‘what grown woman is threatening to call raul on me’ but also who ever it was knew me well enough to know that that would make me open my door so i go to the front door and surely enough it was two police officers, both of which i already knew. like yes, police, threaten to call my dad when i’m 19 years old, you guys know me too well. so i go out and they wanted to talk to a because apparently c took my dad’s bike straight to the police station and told them that a tried fighting him??? which the police knew was utter bullshit because this girl was 17 years old and weighs 90 something pounds, but since she was 17 they had to come regardless and see what was up. so it wasn’t until right now that i actually heard what had happened and this is it: so apparently after i went down to the garage, a leaned over on the floor to check her phone that was plugged into the wall and c grabs her by her neck from behind and starts choking her, screaming at her “you’re ruining my life!” or some weird shit and they ended up down stairs trying to kill each other and my jaw just dropped wide open, like what the fuck. they then stated that since her head was against the wall and he was repeatedly punching her, they wanted to make sure she didn’t have a concussion and either way had to take her back to the police station and have her mother come pick her up since she was technically under-age. they all leave and i’m up in my room smoking a couple bowls to calm myself down, i was maybe sitting around by myself for an hour before c calls me yet again in distress and needing me to get him. the thing about this call, though, was that i couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying. he was bawling and sounded almost intoxicated but i was able to de-code that he was down the street from my house. i don’t think i have ever driven so frantically so i’m real glad it was close but i turn the corner to see this kid dragging my dad’s bike down the street and i could tell on of his arms was bleeding. instead of being supportive i got real angry, i knew he was doing that to weasel his way back into my house and surely enough i was right. i dragged his loopy ass to walgreens then brought him home so i could properly clean and bandage his cuts. while doing this, he kept murmuring to himself and then asked me for a pen and paper... i still have this paper. he then proceeded to write down a group of five seemingly random number and started saying them under his breath. he took his pen and traced them over multiple times and then re-wrote them to form a circle which, while still talking to himself, he started to trace with his fingers and it was in that exact moment that i came to the conclusion i might be dealing with someone having a form of a psychotic break and that, my friends, is why i don’t think this story is funny even if i make jokes, again it’s who i am. i am not a damn professional, i don’t exactly know what the fuck i was witnessing, but having known the kid for so long and seeing what was happening, his mind and his age together, that was my “kayla conclusion”, which could very well be wrong... regardless it was fucking terrifying. i told him that he could again spend the night that night, but i didn’t want to kiss him or anything romantic i just wanted to get through the day and sleep.

now it is the next day and we wake up and are laying in bed and i have no damn idea how this even came up but he started talking about wanting to start a family with me and i was like “okay, i literally am scared of what may be going on in this kids brain” so i played along and we talked about that and i believe we ended up having sex and he took my birth control away from me and put it in my ring box that he had given me. having been on the pill for 5 years at that time, i knew that if i missed one day i would most likely be fine and would just try to take two the next morning. i don’t remember too much of this day given what ends up following but i do know that for whatever reason we went to target and while we were in the parking lot about to leave i informed him that a was coming over and he was not allowed to stay, i had felt so bad for what had happened before and wanted the chance to make that up to her. now see, usually when c disapproves of something he does not hide that by any means, but to my surprise he seemed okay with this! i remember thinking “wow, props to him.... cool”. so we go back to my house and he had about 4 hours until i told him he had to be out of there and we are sitting on the floor of my room watching bob’s burgers and taking dabs. c and i always joked about that when you take a couple dabs, you just need to poop... it’s just what happens! so he stated that he was going to use the bathroom and i figured he was pooping. he goes in the bathroom and starts to play “here comes the sun” by the beatles and i thought to myself “eh, i sometimes listen to music while i poop, too” but i also admit to myself that it was a very strange song choice for him because he didn’t listen to the beatles that often and if he did it was absolutely not that song. now, keep in mind i am insanely high and absorbed into bob’s so in the blink of an eye i realized it had been about fifteen minutes and that here comes the sun was playing on fucking repeat and that was when i knew that he was definitely not pooping in there.

my stomach dropped and my heart stopped and i took a deep breath and literally go “alright, larios” and walk to my bathroom door where i try to open it, but there were man feet in my way. i shove his feet out of the way with the door and open it to see this boy leaned up against my bath tub, blood running down both of his arms, and my fucking initials carved into his chest. you ask me to scream on command and i could not, but i swear i let out the most blood curdling scream ever and yelled “what the fuck are you doing?!” he proceeds to try to get himself to stand up, he had lost a little blood so he was staggering and tripping over himself and he sounded intoxicated. he stumbled towards me and started taunting me about every bad decision i have ever made in my life (i’ve made the mistake of telling him a lot through out the years). he said something about me having sex with an underage girl (referring to a who i only kissed, i have never had sex with any girl of any age, i am too much of a pussy. pun intended) and then said stuff about sleeping with a 30 year old man, just literally anything wrong i had ever did, he was taunting me about as he moved closer to backing me into the wall and i was in such shock i don’t remember all that was said by any means but i do remember him holding himself up against my sink and i told him “you need help, you need help big time. you’re going to the hospital” and he’d either say “no i’m not” in a real mocking tone, or he would even more spookily state that even if i do get him in the hospital “no one can help him, there’s nothing they can do”. i called my dad and told him to bring that kids ass to the hospital and i don’t remember much besides when my dad got home c did make it a huge point to out me as bi-sexual to my father. clearly raul did not give a shit and he took him to the hospital where this kid did not even notify his parents that he was at and he got admitted to a psych facility. the next day he called me all “oh i love you” like nothing had happened, i don’t remember too much but i did know we were still broken up and regardless i agreed to drive all the way out there to take part in a therapy session with him and bring him some pictures of my eldest orange. i drive about 40 minutes out there, facing my fear of hospitals for myself, so we go into the therapy room and he introduces me and the second i start talking about what had happened over the past week or so, i could tell right away just by the look in that woman’s eyes that he had not told her a single god damned thing about why he was in there. he got mad at me, which was fine, at that moment i was done with him, too. we broke up the next day and he lied his way out of that place in about a week.

does it make sense now, why i wanted to ruin his life for a while there? i’m past that, but i wasn’t crazy... i couldn’t eat after that, i couldn’t sleep (hence the cocaine, was desperately trying to keep myself awake) and i couldn’t even really be in my room because i kept going back to all that had happened. i lost about 25 pounds and absolutely lost my fucking mind, i slept with everyone... and their mothers i swear. i went insane in literally every aspect of the word but

i have an okay reason.

[jaspitch]

Five Nightguards at Freddy’s (3)

Malayn's Archives- Archive 3

Malayn was a couple hours early so he could help clean up before working. And by help clean up, he actually meant annoy anyone and everyone who was cleaning up. Scott was shaking like a leaf when Malayn stood next to him, commenting on different techniques to stabbing people. Yeah, that's what he was talking about: Stabbing people.

As far as looks were concerned, Malayn could techinically be considered good looking. He had black hair that stayed straight and neat 24/7. It flowed down to the end of his ears, so still a bit long. He had ice blue eyes that almost seemed white, which scared everyone because he also had basically invisible pupils. Creepy, to say the least. He was 6′4, and though tall, was jealous of September, who at the age of 23, was still growing. Malayn wasn’t jealous of the fact that September was having brain surgery because the growing harmone in his head needed to be shut off though.

As twelve o’clock rolled around, he helped Justin lock up, who was complaining non-stop about him having to work on Sunday with Scott. Weekends required double-up shifts due to the amount of angsty teens that tried to 1. sneak in or 2. graffiti the walls. They even had three actual cops guard the place, varying each week. As far as Malayn was concerned, he’d rather have a shift with Scott if it meant he could flirt with Serenity, the cop this weekend. She had light pink hair and was of average height with sparkling green eyes. Slim and pretty, she had caught Malayn’s eye at first sight.

Of course, she also hated him, so getting a decent ‘hi’ was torture. Plus she was also so into her job, half the time she ignored everyone. The second cop, and the only boy, a seventeen year old kid named Alex. He had black hair and dark amber eyes and was unnervingly short. His glasses, which were thin framed and larger than his eyes (luckily they didn’t enlarge his eyes), did little to no help. He could see well already, so the glasses did nothing for him. Malayn wondered who the hell told him to wear glasses. Alex was a nervous wreck half the time, and wasn’t very open. He didnt stutter, but never seemed to look anyone in the eye and always rubbed his arm when talking.

The final cop who showed up was a 22 year old girl with light amber eyes and strawberry blonde hair that was currently a light brow. Sherrie was her name, and she was the friendliest of the group. Free-spirited and joyful, but not interesting. Malayn was almost done daydreaming when he felt Justin push a wad of keys into his hand. “Anyways, see ya later, Herrero!” Malayn flinched at his last name but waved goodbye and locked the door. He had about ten minutes until the main lights went off, so after slowly walking to the office he looked down the hallway. After a few moments, the lights shut off.

Malayn yawned and unlocked the desk drawer, picking up and studying a new, light gray Samsung tablet. What the hell was this? The tablet booted up quickly and turned on to Camera 2B. The graphics were about twenty times better, and the kitchen camera was actually on. Though this was great in Malayn’s eyes, it was also unnerving. He checked the paper on the wall and noted September’s shift was last night. So either Henry finally was fed up with people complaining about the old HP or September’s shift hadn’t gone completely as planned.

'As planned' usually meant not being dragged into the backroom and nearly killed, in case anyone was asking. Malayn groaned and leaned his head back, already born out of his mind. After a few seconds, an unnatural hotness overcame him, and he fiddled with his hands, trying to ignore it. As of recent, hot flashes had been wracking his body. It wasn't because once again, Fritz had left the heater on, or due to the fact his mind was hell-bent on Serenity, it was something else.

A familiar thought came to mind. Blood. Oh fuck no. That unhealthy obsession had definitely done something to poor Malayn's head. Pushing up his sleeves to look at the mangled scars on his arms, he groaned in frustration. In moments like these, he'd be cutting small cuts in something (usually bell peppers or tomatoes) to satisfy whatever the hell was telling him to kill people.

Thanks, Byron. Even though his step dad had been around since birth, Malayn insisted on calling him Byron. Byron was a manipulative, abusive, bitch. And only to Malayn, seeing as how he was the only kid that wasn't actually related to him. Maybe if Corren had stayed around, he'd have been there to comfort his younger brother. But he was dead.

Corren was Malayn's real brother. He was around thirteen when he died. Light brown curls, large blue eyes, freckles. Not much else was there to remember him by. He had been killed on the train tracks right outside of Washington County. Malayn preferred not to remember that scene, though it haunted him each night.

The rush of heat finally wavered and he sighed out of relief. A sudden noise made him jump, and he turned to look at Bonnie, who was about to step into the office. Slamming his fist down on the button, the door slammed shut right in the animatronic's face. It was a slow-ish night, to say the least. After about four hours of nobody coming to the office besides the once in a while Bonnie, Malayn granted it safe to go down the hallway to refill the coffee pot with water. Quickly walking to the kitchen, he turned on the water in the sink, and started to fill the pot up.

Malayn turned the water off, eyeing the door. The room temperature had dropped a good 10°. Something felt... Off, to say the very least. The male swallowed, making his Adam's apple move a tad. Slowly walking to the door, Malayn kept his eyes focused behind him. Once opening the door, the male looked in front of him, just to be met with dark purple. Slowly looking up, Malayn swallowed, matching eyes with two blaring red ones.

The rabbit reached for the man, but he ducked and turned, prepped to run to the other side of the kitchen. Scrambling towards the exit, he was met with Chica and Foxy gawking and ready to screech at him. Slamming the door shut, he turned around, already ducking under Bonnie's outstretched arms again. He darted out the first door, starting for the exit. Stopped ubruptly by a dark red arm with an attached hook, he stopped and turned down the other hallway, sprinting into the one and only party room.

Only having a few good seconds to gather his thoughts, the male started to look for some sort of escape route. Of course, he could jump in the vent, but he knew Fritz had left the heater on (again), and it would probably be best to not have an asthma attack because of how thick the air was in the vent. The only other option was to hide under a table or try and get onto the two boards that connected the middle of the roof and the frame of the building. With Foxy now almost at the door, Malayn went for the roof, latching onto the singular rope that dangled from the ceiling.

It was hard to reach, of course, because it’s end was dangling seven feet away from the ground, but Malayn was able to jump and make it. Starting to hurriedly make his way up to the top, he looked down for a split second to see Chica, Bonnie, Foxy, and Freddy all looking up at him. Each mascot had their hands raised, trying to grab his pant leg or maybe the rope. Giving a quick thanks to the constructors who hadn’t just yet finished the inside of the party room, Malayn pulled himsef up the rest of the way and sat down on the boards. 

Sighing, he rubbe his eyes. Fuck you, dad. If you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be here. Damn right, had his stepfather not been a complete asshole all the time, he’d probably be some big-time corporate CFO or something. But no! “Well, my real sons needs their tuition payed. Malayn can take care of his own college.” And so here he was, life on the line, trying to pay his rent and college debt. Leonn and Carter had their daddy to pay for them, as where he, the outcast of the family, had to pay off his own debt. 

A sharp screech made the man jump, and he looked down. Foxy had hooked the rope and was tugging on it. The screech came again and then the rope went falling down, a small piece of flat metal going down with it. Okay, now he was fucking stuck up here. It would probably freak out anyone who was opening up to see him not there. Silently praying it would be someone like Storm or Jeremy, who wouldn’t ask questions and would just help. 

The animatronics below started to shriek with rage, which made Malayn cover his ears. It was horrific to hear them like that. Almost like a dying kid was wailing. Trying to sort out his thoughts, a single screech wracked through the  building. That noise- Wham! It hit Malayn like a truck of bricks. He almost fell backwards, and started to pant as he relived that horrific scenario again.

“C’mon, Mal! It’ll be fun. See?” Corren started to walk on the train tracks, hopping up and over each of the small rails undeneath. “I don’t know, Coryo. Mama said it’s dangerous.” Malayn was standing off to the side, rubbing his neck. Corren stopped and placed his hands on his hips. “Andy told me this place was deserted. No trains ever come here.” Malayn shrugged, “Yeah, but, Mama-”

“Mama this, Mama that! Here, how about this? I’ll run on ahead all the way to that oak tree. You can listen to my music with my headphones. I’ll be right back, okie dokie?” The brunette took off his headset, walked over to Malayn, and handed it to him. Malayn was ecstatic. He wasn’t ten yet, so he wasn’t allowd to have his own electronics. Corren letting him use his was amazing! “O-okay, fair. Just hurry back, Coryo.” Corren beamed and started running across the tracks, skipping through the rails as he started for the oak tree.

Slipping on the headset, Malayn picked a random song and started listening. He was so enthrolled, that he barely realized that he was now no longer standing still, but rather, walking on the tracks. Finally realizing this, the young boy smiled. This wasn’t so bad after all! Yeah it wouldn’t have been so bad had he heard Corren screaming at him to get off the train tracks, as a train was gaining ground on him. And by the time he finally moved over the earjack and asked “What?”, it was almost over. Hearing the loud hoot, Malayn looked to his left to see a train, mere meters from he was.

However, he never felt anything but a harsh push, before landing on the soft grass. Rubbing his head and looking up, Malayn got one final glimpse of his brother, his face contorted in a muted screech, before the train zoomed by. The shriek the train tracks made when the train went by sounded so similar to-

“Hey, Malayn! How the hell’d you get up there?” A smooth voice called from below. Malayn looked over the edge of the boards, staring down at two dark blue eyes. There, in his beautiful glory, was the one and only perfect Augustine Jamairica. He, one of two, was a man at the pizzeria who could easily get a girlfriend yet didn’t have one. “Uh, I climbed.” Malayn said, his voice a bit scratchy. “Want some help down?” Augustine pointed to a white ladder in the corner, which just fueled Malayn’s embarassment. How had he not seen that? “It’d be appreciated.”

With that, Augutine gave a perfect white smile before setting the ladder up and helping his co-worker down. The two walked out together after Augustine explained he ahd only come today to grab his headphones he left. they both split ways and before he knew it, Malayn was laying in his bed, half asleep. After finally drifting off to his slumber, he was surprised to wake up at 2:00, without any nightmares.

Malayn’s Archive Ends Here.

[adityafulia]

DISCLOSURES

Not a while after i arrived in Jakarta, Friday night, i went home, received message, she apologized because she couldnot pick me up,,, how sweet,

,, naively i replied, hoping i could still meet her, at least to get some clarity,, after while, i thought it might be a good idea to just come to her house and i did, which was stupid and failed miserably

Saturday, I reached, her house was empty, i called, she rejected my call, i dont know why, what’s so hard to pickup the call

Then i went to my friends houses,,, at night, i received message, she said she didnt want to meet me, asked me to stop meeting her,

I was confused, what went wrong,,,at least she owed me explanation, with good explanation, i’ll be good

then again around 10pm, she text again.replied, and she said she already got a boyfriend, didnt want to meet me and happy now

That was the end for me, my last push, failed, i thought i will not bug her anymore

The next day, 26 july,i received message from her fiancee (whhch i though she already broken up), suddenly he asked when did i started relationship with this socio,,, i replied, calmly, i thought this just conversation between ex, checking and checking, no harm,

Then something big happened, he called me, he told me, he was already in relationship with this socio, since may 2018,,,till 26july

Me : september 2018-aug 2019,,, you can do the math, basically this sociapath had a double life, had 2 boyfriends at the same time

Managing both at the same time.. he was furious, the reason was, the night when i came to her house,this sociopath actually went on date with her shitty best firend, with another guys

This stupid bf, post the picture, 2 couples, without realizing that one of the viewers was also mutual friend with the fiancee.

Screenshot taken, then those 2 happy couples, partying hard, the photo even taken with those bitches sitting on another guys lap,,,

This photo was sent the fiancee, sunday morning, that how it got started

I had a couple of mins chat with the fiance, matching small part of our story, bitterly laughing our own stupidity, then hang, something happened

Then after couple of hour, this fiancee confront the socio, met her in her house, then ask her to talk, he even called me, put me on speaker, to talk to this sociopath,,, god man

I could have “killed her” with my words, but i didn,t

I think in my context, i was just sidekick, sideshow,co-star of this sick twisted fuck relationship , as i dont have any relationship since aug 2019, i only had hopes, which already evaporated, i dont think i need to angry, im just shocked, stunned by how this sociopath fool us , easily, gracefully, extremely neat and delicate, and now it got revealed, just because of the stupidity of this one bf

Very unfortunate, i told her “i dont know you anymore, you and me are done, now you fix your problem will your fiancee..” then i hung up

I know this fiance, mad and angry , he called me couple of times a day, then we also met,my intention was to give him some clarity, i understood, he might get very emotional and low at the same time, then i will just matching my story, we shared our story, the story of fake, deceitful relationship..

From our story, i could guarantee, we both victim, shocked, but we knew we was something in this sociopath, that’s why we put our hope to this sociopath

After a long conversation, i was exhausted

I was shocked, want to know why she did this, how could i tricked badly

I was curious, how man involved on this fraudulence,

I was scared, this is the biggest evidence that showed the flaw of my screening machine, i though my wall was thick enough, my screening was good enough, it turned out that, i nowhere near better.. i got tricked by this sociopath

I felt pity to her as well,, thinking about her past, what kind of tragedy shaped her to become such sociopath

Passiev aggresive, delusional, self entitlement, self narcisistic

Her past without parents, her past of being unpopular girl

Her past with bioolar boyfriend, abusive

She was shaped, years after years, mentally and physically, since she was a little girl

It was a very unfornate event, after that, i delete the photos, and really, i could not see anything from her face,

I couldnot see the sociopathy, the dark lies, delusional history about her family, about houses, about parents, all the stories, lies after lies that she made,just to serve her hunger of love, attention,sex and she would do anything to protect those lies

She would turn the table, make you feel guilty, aggresively blaming your past mistake, saying sorry and attacking you at the same time, and also went out, run from problem, with other guys, there is this bottomless pit which will never be filled properly

If you think carefully, carefully, i dont think she ever love someone, she loved someone and then got hurt, then she will take the revenge

Her fiance said, she might loved me the most, among other guy

I dont think so, she can just fake the feeling. She knew that, she had a feeling once, after it was gone, she will just replicate those feeling, acted like she had one,, then trick everyone,

She picked her fiance, because of assurance, house car presence

She picked the guy whom she sat on his lap, because of charm and wealth

She picked me, because i have a good image, she hang on, because she knew, she will got good image , from me, she will not have to dealt with other people thought. I was just a shield...really

She picked, other guys, maybe because of,,, car, wallet, new bags, watches,,,i knew she not golddiger type but for sure she didnot stupid enough to pick poor guy, she still need rice and food to live

I realized that, quickly

All the stories, all the lies, all thar was in my head. Was 90persen chances true. If you remember the dirty stuff, i guarantee you, i still feel pukishs everytime i did

She knew me too well, so many thing i shared with her, too many things,i just came to know that she was the trickiest person i’ve ever met

But i know, perspective needs to be change , new narative needs to be built, im starting over now, building up my wall, i promise myself, my wall should be harder than steel, my screening machine should be able to detect any small lies.

I went home from india, just to know this story, got revealed totally, got me realized that the story that i built , the naration that i built this whole year ,since 2017, which i though will become my way out, now has become the source of my misery, my problems, my responsibility

I am writing this piece of story, tragedy i would say.to laugh myself , about my mistake, my tragedy, my new start, new beginning, of becoming better guy

To become wiser , to take respinsibility to be more resilience, to understand how toxic relationship could be

To understand that we need to act without hope, to not have a high hope , to not lay on our emotions

Everything is dead for me, this sociopath too,, i’ve buried her,,,never wanted to see her,i felt proud, i never tried to kill her, direclty, nor killl other guys which i suspected who fucked this sociopath also

I think that’s the best way, for me, to forget and move along, to laugh about this tragedy, to just take a next step, little by little, pieces by pieces, rebuild my fortress, rebuild my screening machine. It freaks me out, i’ll carry on

Dead poet- busty and the bass

Take it or break it off

Been here since I recall

This life is everything

Maybe someday I'll find

Pieces of peace of mind

Pick up the things that stay

Cause we're sold out, it's okay

Sold out, it's okay

[lovelylarrie]

hello all 95 pls ily ;))))))))))

Nina you’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. Also theres only 92 but ily so here u go:

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?it was you but yeah after u take me on a date (;

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?No?

3. Have you taken someones virginity?This is escalating quickly but no lmao

4. Is trust a big issue for you?Only for people who have broken it

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?No, but I will v soon 😛

6. What are you excited for?U to come visit me

7. What happened tonight?I made my first follow forever (shameless self-promo)

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?Not really, you do you!

9. Is confidence cute?YES

10. What is the last beverage you had?Water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?A big fat 0

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?Yes?

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?Work lmao

14. What are you going to spend money on next?UNIVERSAL TICKETS WITH @sbblou

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?Nooooooo lol

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?YES! I’ve changed so much in the past 3 months that I wouldnt doubt it

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?You, @teentomlinson @sbblou  @spacegaycombeferre @ummharrystyles @louisispuresunshine and @hellaplantsjpg

18. The last time you felt broken?Like the end of September to the beginning of October 

19. Have you had sex today?yep 4 times actually (im kidding)

20. Are you starting to realize anything?That I’m finally happy and in a good place I think?

21. Are you in a good mood?Im kinda salty im only on 21 and that u made me do this

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?I mean I dont have the pressing desire to do so atm but like I would if the offer presented itself

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?I don’t have a dad

24. What do you want right this second?Chipotle

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?Im happy for u, idfk

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?No

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?No wtf kind of question is this? 

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?My answer to #23

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?Yep

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?I think so, unless you like killed someone. I think everyone can change for the better so yeah.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?Yeah most boys suck

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?Yes

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?Kind of? Like I’ll have sweet tea, coffee, and water before I’ll have soda. 

34. Listening to?Actually nothing which is really sad so I’m gonna put on the new Maroon 5 album

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?Yeah?

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?No, probably somewhere in the states of minnesota if I were to take a guess

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?No, sounds fake

38. Who did you last call?@teentomlinson and @spacegaycombeferre did a 3 way last night

39. Who was the last person you danced with?Idfk

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?Bc I thought it would be cool

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?Never, fuck cupcakes

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?No I have not even seen them today

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?I’ve embarrassed myself in front of every person I’ve ever talked to so yes

44. Do you tan in the nude?When I used to use tanning beds, yes

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?Nah, it didnt really mean anything so whatever

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?No?

47. Who was the last person to call you?Probs my mom

48. Do you sing in the shower?No but i sing everywhere else

49. Do you dance in the car?All the time

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?I think in like 7th grade we did it in gym

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?Senior picures, so Fall 2015

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?Yes

53. Is Christmas stressful?Not really

54. Ever eat a pierogi?wtf

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?FUCK FRUIT PIE

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?Doctor and actress

57. Do you believe in ghosts?Meh, sometimes but not really

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?already answered

59. Take a vitamin daily?No

60. Wear slippers?No

61. Wear a bath robe?No

62. What do you wear to bed?Shorts and a tee shirt

63. First concert?T*ylor Sw*ft

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?Target, obviously

65.-69.already answered

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?whatever tf you’re gonna be(;

71. Can you curl your tongue?Yeah 

72. Ever won a spelling bee?No fuck spelling

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?All the time

74. What is your favorite book?Does Y&B count?

75. Do you study better with or without music?Without bc ill literally start singing the song instead of studying

76. Regularly burn incense?No

77. Ever been in love?No

78. Who would you like to see in concert?LOUIS MF TOMLINSON

79. What was the last concert you saw?Louis’ husband, HARRY MF STYLES

80. Hot tea or cold tea?Cold, hot drinks make me sweat lol

81. Tea or coffee?COFFEE

82. Favorite type of cookie?Double chocolate chip or just regs chocolate chip

83. Can you swim well?I can swim, just not well

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?Not if im jumping into a pool

85. Are you patient?I thought this said “are you a patient” and I was like wtf. But the answer is no.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?a band would be pretty cool

87. Ever won a contest?I won a radio contest once and got $150 

88. Ever have plastic surgery?No

89. Which are better black or green olives?BLACK

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?you do you, but i think the whole “sex before marriage is bad” thing is so fake

91. Best room for a fireplace?Living room

92. Do you want to get marriedWe already are?

[cheswirls]

a quick sum-up of che’s future career plans, bc reasons

im halfway through the dive!! anime show that came out this summer season, and i’m having a lot of thoughts, and plus i finished going through all the footage i missed today of skate america while i was at a bball game, and it’s made me realize different things i guess? 

it might be mid-long length so its going under a cut, but to gain intereststart off, this is all about my desire to be an athletic trainer for the usa olympic center at colorado springs, co !

ive been an at(now when you see that abb. you know what it means hah!! not assistant teacher hmm) student since my freshman year of high school, and i’ve loved it a whole bunch. back then i was set on going to columbia U for their writing program, and i wanted to major in graphic design afterwards/during/it wasnt super planned out i was a fr. i didnt know what bfa or mfa stood for yet. it wasnt until end of sophomore year than i thought about being an at for realsies.

but i also still loved gd. so there was a confliction there.

junior year i took a break from working volleyball in the fall and did my one and only year of football and it was terrible primarily bc the team i worked with didnt know how to function as a group and half the group were selfless bitch whores but like thats another storyyy, secondly bc i jus really discovered i didnt care abt football at all. it was mostly for the experience and i gained it and i liked it bc i hung out w a lot of people from helping out w varsity (i was one of two our of the five juniors that had been there since my fr year and was only on jv bc it was my first year w football, but one of the seniors had to work a bunch so when they needed an extra person i was the one w the most experience so i was w them a lot,) point was it was fun!!! and you have fun w ppl you like that you dont work w all the time and i shouldnt say fun bc lots of times it was awful,

basically! it was fun being w the varsity trainers which were the seniors and the other junior that had been around since fr year. volleyball was fun but it had always been a one-at-student-per-team sport , so it was different jus being w other ats that shared the same team and not the same sport(which in the us is made up of at least three different teams, a fr,jv,and varsity). it was a more open environment and so it inspired a lot of talk with the at grad students we had that semester (we got 3-4 every semester in a partnership w the D1 uni in town, it was always cool to hear stories from them!) and anyway i remember talking w a couple of the grads one practice and we were discussing all the different occupations athletic trainers could have, and what they wanted to work with in the future, and the topic veered towards professional sports and the olympics.

i thought it was really cool when we were talking about it, and then we got busy and it flew out of my mind. i dont remember when it came back and became a focus, but sometime before my senior year, i had decided i wanted to work at the olympic level.

real quick i mentioned gd and the struggle, so to bring that into focus, my junior year i took a whole bunch of different tech classes (gd&i, compsci, webtech) and in one of those, i had the opportunity to go to a ... i cant remember what the term was for it, but it was kinda an event for gd students and it had a little competition and stuff, and it was really fun! nd you got a lot of info abt the community college hosting it and i learned their program was really good, so the gd versus at internal struggle continued, and i remember talking to my sponsor teacher (she actually taught all three of my tech classes that year aaa i loved her) about how i didnt know what to do and shit and i dunno what she told me but like, i think she was trying to be encouraging but she basically said it was up to me, like she didnt try and nod me into a direction, that i can recall.

so SOMEHOW bc i honestly cannot remember, by senior year i’ve decided that im gonna jus fuck it and pick BOTH and double major in gd and athletic training. AND i had it all planned out, where i was gonna get a degree in gd and open up an online business, and then go into a masters program for at and then enter into the olympic field. 

by this point creative writing is still cool and a great hobby but i couldnt possibly double major AND have a minor that’d be too much. id still love to take a cw course tho one day.

basically a buncha crazy stuff happened that first semester but by winter break i had an acceptance letter to a uni a couple hours north of home with a good accredited undergrad program (accredited basically means you graduate w a masters in four years so its fasttracked which woulda been great but uh..) and by the time i found out that next semester that they were doing away with the accredited program i was already too emotionally invested to consider panic-switching(panic bc it was february and id already been admitted hah...) but i decided it’d be okay. basically if you dont remember/werent around one of my school’s head ats died in a car crash died around early october ‘16. she went to undergrad where i go now, and i’d talked to her about it september that semester wondering if she knew anything abt their program and uh surprise, she’d done the same program small world. after the funeral in november and a ton of thought i applied there. (november was.. crazy in general last year. rly crazy)

may was when i started adding on sports to the future olympics job, bc i started thinking about it and after finally getting a friend to watch yuri on ice, he started making his was through all of sochi’s figure skating stuff, and then the 2010 vancouver olympics, and i decided i wanted to recap a bit on that too.

the 2010 olympics was really my first experience with figure skating. i’m a west texas gal and so theres not a lot out here to get exposed to, so seeing these best-of-the-best class sports was fun, and the earliest experience i can remember of such. i was in fifth grade so i dont remember a ton, but i do remember being captivated by korea’s yuna kim, who won gold that year in fs. shes an fs legend at this point, so if you’re into figure skating and don’t know who she is, go look her up. you wont be disappointed.

in 2012 was the london olympics. i remember a lot from it, like watching the opening ceremony with my parents and seeing the queen jump out of a helicoptor(which is like,, still cool to this day wow) and being fascinated my michael phelps and all the swimming he did so grandly. it was also my first real exposure to diving. the oldest i could recall anything abt the sport was at a pizza hut somewhere.. in town i think, and i was w my best friend at the time and my mom was there so i think maybe we were on the way back from the lake??? sounds right, i think. and we were talking abt how i always held my nose when i went underwater bc i didnt know how to not get water all up my nostrils and be underwter(and i still dont to this day aha) and she mentioned like, joining a diving team would be cool! would help me get over it and all! and i like recalling it dunno what she was talking abt bc we lived in dirt city nothing so i highly doubt there was or is any sort of diving sport happening. swimming, yeah maybe, there were lessons at pools and bodyworks areas around town, competitive teams im not sure tho, but not diving like at all so??? dunno.

so my next and technically first real experience with it was watching the london olympics. and i thought, wow, this is so neat!! i watched from that one day like the opening events, and i think i was old enough to search online like yea i had a laptop by then so i looked up the schedule for the things i wanted to see most of, and i ended up watching i think most of the diving events (i missed a couple for.. archery, i think? maybe?) and absolutely loving it. iunno what it was, maybe something i never thought i could do?(bc not hold my nose?? while i dove???????? scaryy) but i enjoyed it a bunch.

i was older when sochi was a thing, my 8th grade year. i was able to appreciate things a lot more. when i tuned into events, tony hawk and snowboarding were the main focus, but figure skating was on a lot as well. i had a tv in my room by that point, so if i didnt like what was playing on the main tv, i could go watch another event. i learned a lot of names and faces through that, and so while my bff was watching it our senior year if i was with him id point out skaters and their nationalities and stuff, like yuzuru hanyus always been a modern day household name w figure skating, but i leanred abt him BECAUSE of the sochi olympics, and he was one of the ones i’ve never forgotten. i really really liked it, so much that i watched worlds after, and around the same time my fr year, i tuned in to just the worlds championship again. i didn’t pick up trying to watch grand prix(which is their regular season, for those unaware) season until my junior year, and most of it was day-or-two-late videos from youtube, since the ice channel i think it a paid-for thing (i still dont know much abt it hah) and nothing was on tv otherwise, aside from the skate america event. but since that first time after sochi, ive always been around watching worlds fs near the beg of each year. i’d familiarized myself by senior year with the fs world, and actually,

early (i think march?) of my junior year, i searched up trying to find a figure skating anime at the time. and what did i find?? ginban, the only figure skating anime at the time. i watched like maybe all of one episode, it was abt a girl who shared her body w the ghost of a former figure skater while she was competing in events, and it was.. okay? lackluster, in the animation dept, but it was a 2005 show so.. yeah.

so after that i was like kk that wasnt good lets find another. and i didnt. not yet, anyway. instead, i found an announcement for violet evergarden’s animated adaptation, and yuri on ice, a realistic adaptation of the sport of figure skating. thats bolded bc its important. i found that shit abt yoi before it even had a promo poster, certainly before the pv came around that got everyone hyped up. i found it bc i was looking for figure skating in the first place. in fact, i think when the pv came out and got popular, i didnt even relate it to the upcoming fs anime i’d read about previously. it took me a bit to connect the dots. 

watching yuri on ice at the same time as the gp 2016 season was surreal, but really interesting. i got my bff into it before the second to last episode came out, and i only remember that bc he finally showed any interest when he found something on twitter abt it being gay (newsflash/// hes gay, and before yoi his fav show was no6 bc that was as close as it got. he still rly likes it, we both do, but his solid favc is now definitely yoi. representation matters and all) and was like well now i HAVE to watch it and i was all yes it ends soon so pls. and he watched it twice in a weekend, and thrice before the finale came out, and then a few more times after that, iunno how many times but certainly more thn i have(i went back after the .. maybe ep 10? w/e ending had the after party reveal that changed everything, so i went back to analyze everything before the next ep) and between the week of 11 and finale 12, he started watching the sochi fs competition, and then the 2010 after the show ended w ep 12. 

seeing this great fs show and getting a friend into the world of figure skating really renewed my love for it all. before the semester went out i went back and watched the reruns of the sochi fs stuff. and by may i’d decided i wanted to cosider that to be the sport i worked with.

with diving, it took a similar twist. in the form of the rio 16 olympics. i was all over that shit, i downloaded an nbc app on my phone so i could watch events live while i traveled with volleyball to a tournament in dallas and while i was at practice w them at home and generally jus away from the house and a tv. i planned that shit out had a schedule and everything for what i was watching live, and a lot of it was swimming, but a whoooole lot of live stuff was the diving. 

in the hotel room in dallas the tv would always be on to w/e olympics events were airing at the time, either track or diving tho, one or the other, or recaps. quite a few girls ended up in the room in the evening and we’d all do stuff and watch in passing at the same time, and it was suuuuuper fun. watching the chinese women perform flawlessly and walk away w all the gold was fun, but finding a good commentator to actually say such was a disheartening challenge( one of the most memorable moments w live commentary that year was hearing a woman say of one of the chinese ladies that she’d done better before, after they revealed her personal best score ever like rly cmon be unbiased and jus passionate abt the sport youre covering pls.

ive always been super fond of the diving scene. it may not be as much as fs, but honestly, i wish i grew up in an area w a diving team now, or wish i could try it out now, bc thats how much fun it seems. i still wanna go up to the big city like 30min away from uni and learn to ice skate in the civic center there, but hands down if i had to pick a sport to join tomorrow or die i’d pick diving. 

so also by may, and throughout the culmination of senior year, diving was the second sport on the olympic to-train-for list. you get a five-year contract w the olympics, now i think it’s usa as a whole and i think its by center so say, if i get a job in colorado springs i cant apply in another five years to chula vista or even like lake placid, but iunno for sure. the five-year thing is involved somehow bc i’ve heard it from a physical therapist and trainer-that-works-in-a-sports-med-clinic duo in one body named sarah, who’s been contracted out from the clinic by my high school since junior year also, bc she knows people who’ve worked w the olympics, and then another from church that worked w olympics that knows my family uh iunno how well but i know of him, i think he also works in the clinic as some sort of on-hand surgeon but a diff person than who sarah knew. so its five years somehow and then i’ll take my bfa in gd and open my online business and do that from a studio at home and look after my owl/cat pet combo.

since may, it had been ‘olympics, with either figure skating or diving’. and it stayed that for a long time. now, since a couple weeks ago, and this is again while gp season is happening for fs, its diving. i wanna work w the usa olympic diving team as their team athletic trainer, and i cant do it this summer bc i have to have completed two years of uni, instead of a certain standing, like be a junior, but so NEXT summer, before my senior year of uni, (i came in a sopho so 6 sem only ah) i’m applying for an internship at the center in colorado springs, and that’s the team i hope i work with. 

now i tell people, diving, but if i get offered figure skating, i’ll take it, but diving is the goal now. if i love it and wanna continue professionally, great, i can do that and have an online gd shop. and if i decide i want something different? i’ll work olympics and then join w a professional-level figure skating i actually dunno how it works. coach, and their skater in turn. coach, with multiple skaters under them. a culmination of diff usa skaters. w/e, something in the professional fs world.

and thats uh, thats it! dive has been so much fun to watch, and i realize i talk a lot on here about working w basketball and being an at student in general and the vast majority have no idea what i mean, so hopefully this clarifies. thank you!!

[asalegend]

Note to self.

This is a note to myself. About her. About Martha. God Damn, it hurts. Y'all have no idea. Let me tell you this story from the beginning dumb ass. So that when you do doubt it, you remember everything. You met Martha in March, while all that’s dumb shit down there with Mel and natalie and even Naomi was going on. And you liked her since then. There was something about it and you just didnt know what it was. And she liked you, and you knew it after that day she kissed you goodbye. And from there it happened. You took her to the movies and for ice cream. Then you took her for wings 3 days later on was an actual date, where you both knew you were interested and you both were already invested. And it was super fun, and amazing ( side note, she fucked some random dude that night after she told you she was Home and asleep… But you found that out later) and thats how it went. On september 23rd, y'all had a real ass date, and you lost your virginity to her, and that might not sound important now, vut remember that it was super important to you Then. Remember that she told you she would only be with you exclusively if you had sex with her, even though you were technically a couple. Dont you ever forget that she literally, fucken forced you to have sex. That she threatened with pretty much cheating on you .Then she spend 3 days living with you at home while your family was out. And You both had a huge fight about Monica, and what she meant to you. And she wanted to break up with you, and incase your worthless ass forgot. You got on your knees and begged her to stay, and you told her you would never lie to her again. And guess what bro, you didnt. Not about important stuff. Not about being loyal to her. Not about how much you fucken loved her, and I’m proud of you for that, and you should be too. And remember that same fucken night, some girl text you. Asking your for dick pics and sending you fucken pictures so you’d go fuck her. And yeah nigga you were tempted as fuck, and yeah nigga you texted back. But then it hit you, the time you had just spent with Martha, and how amazing that felt. And how incredible she was with you. And you sent that bitch a text that said you had a girlfriend, and you loved her (even if you hadnt told her yet) the next weekend, was pricillas birthday/Halloween, y'all went out to tipsy, and Martha got fucken hammered. So hammered that she couldnt go home. So you called your mom and begged her to let Martha stay. You told her youd sleep on the couch or whatever. And that night, Martha told you how much she loved you, and how by not telling her you love her you were hurting her. And you realized what your fear had done to you, so you decided to deal with it. You both fell asleep and that morning you looked at her and said “Martha, tu eres mi Amor…. Te amo mi Vida” and you meant it. You meant it more that you meant it when you said it to larissa or Naomi. And things were going good, you had broken up with her over dumb shit, but the next day you were back together. And you realized that you were in a real relationship, so you became and adult about it. But she always held that against you, even if she had broken up with you because you lent her 20 bucks and was petty. Then one day, while you were in the car and she was having a panic attack she took it out on you. She told you that She could cheat on you whenever she wanted, she bragged about all the guys who hit her up, and how she could fuck one whenever. She told you that you would never fucken know if She did it too( she knew since day one…, what Naomi and larissa had done to you)…. She made you shake in fear, she made you beg her never to cheat…. She broke you emotionally… Then laughed and said to never break up with her over dumb shit again…. She thought it was a joke…. Exploiting your fears and insecurities. Then, it was holiday time… And terry slammed you with hours cause you were kicking ass… And she was slammed with hours… And you started to notice how much she like jose…. How she always said he was super cute and how shed get weak in the knees…. And you tried explaing to her that stuff was avout to get tough. You were working 22 hours a week at pho. 30 at LC and going to 4 classes in the mornings…. And she was working 40+ and getting out at 10pm. You didnt have time to work out or anything. And what little time you had, you gave to her, and all she wanted… It seemed was sex… But you were tired… Your were stressed…. You were exhausted…. And uncomfortable with how much she Needed it… You wanted a hug and she just wanted to fuck. So, you were going soft…. And she made fun of you because if it…. And she made it worse. Then, the second week of December she went with you to the lc party… And you never loved her more. You bought matching sweaters, and you were so deeply inlove with her, you thanked god ever day for blessing you with her in your fucken life… And a few days later, she went to her party, wearing your sweater. She told you “nilda said no couple baby, sunny is gonna give me a ride back, I wont drink ok” and you dropped her off… And you we’re worried… You could feel something was wrong… Very wrong…, you didn’t sleep that night, and she kept sending you pictures…. Telling you what she was doing… And the next day, she showed up at work, that moring she told you she left her phone in Jose’s car…. But, you thought sunny was giving her a ride. And that day she fought with you, and complained and tried pushing you to leave her…. And you could feel it in you soul that she did something…. Then you kept going. But things were different… She didnt care about you the same anymore… Fast forward past xmas (which was amazing tbh, she spent it with you and gave you great presents.., and you gave her everything she wanted) and your taking off xmas lights. Martha is complaining about how she’s itch and had a rash. Then has sex with you like its nothing( btw, her and jose were still besties here. Dont forget that)….. A few days later, you get a call to work, its her crying… She has hpv… (She knew that rash wasnt normal…. Yet, she still did it with you) and there goes your life…. 3 days later, its your birthday.you have an incredible time at LC, and when you pick her up she looks amazing, and she gives you a big gift she made, the basket…. And it almost made you cry… Because it was beautiful… And she got fucked up at your party….she insulted your mother and embarrassed you infront of your friends… But that wasnt the worst part… That night, you laid her down to bed and you saw her phone. And you knew…. You knew you had to check it, your heart was screaming it….. And whatd you find out…. She cheated on you… Tge night of her party, she fucked jose. And she was bragging about it to alex, she even sent her pictures of him and went off about how good it felt, how many times she came how big (or small in this case… That’s the only win you got that night) he was. And you woke her up, you confonted her about it. And she got violent, she pushed you and punched your and scratched you begging you to stay… And all you felt was cold and emptiness. And you took her to work the next day and disappeared. A few days later, she had her LEEP and texted you, and you stood by her that day even though you were hurt. And she went and saw you and you both talked… And you put your pride aside and got back with her, no matter how much it fucken hurt, no matter how much your friends and family saw you suffer and tried helping you…, because you loved her. But she started to poison you, against your family. And she was selfish. But you stood by her during the hpv. You didnt leave her alone, you helped her and you helped her move her life foward, you did her taxes and helped her with school programs and her diet and everything she needed for her hpv. All while you bottled up the fact that you thought you were gonna die because she got you sick(your fine now thankfully, and the doctor cleared you and told you that it was super lucky)…. And then your family forced you to leave her, in their way. And you did, and she got violent again… But you were dying, everytime you saw her… You saw what she did… What she described to Alex…. You saw that she didnt love you…, and you left her there, the next day she left to San Antonio. You were fine for a month… Then in April she reached out to you, and you let her in. She was “different” and you went for it. But this Martha was selfish, this Martha made you do things for her, this martha tried turing you against your family. This Martha didn’t support you ever, this martha believed that it was your fault things went bad, because you told your family she cheated. She called you a coward for how you dealt with the pain she caused you. And she started tons of problems with you family through facebook…. This Martha, was the worst one…. This one… Abused your love and made you feel like the bad guy…. This Martha…. Was a monster. And then Angie came to town, and gave you the examples of how a couple fights together. Because at the moment, going to san Antonio for her birthday was going to be a huge mistake at home. You never had peace at home, and every day you fought with you family about her. And she wouldnt support you, she would leave you to burn. So you told her, you couldnt go with her for her birthday…, and she broke up with you. So you left. Until last week…. Last week, after 2 months of her texting you, you broke…. You reached out and told her how much you missed her. You explained that you were afraid to love her cause of how much she hurt you…. And she told you you were the only one still, and how much she loved you and how she only thought about you. But it was all lies dude…. She was fucking Justin, who was her best friends man and baby daddy. And she messed around with other too…. She didnt even last a month with out doing it…, and yeah, she came clean after she build you up with lies and made you hope again…. And then she broke you one more time…, the last time remember that. Because remember that you werw going to move in with her this time..,, that she was coming back to be with you…. Remember how much you were going to risk based on her lies…. Remember… That all this… Is why you cant love her.., and it’s why your not gonna send that text, or make that call…. Because this^ is enough pain… All this,.. Is not love….

[ventregardless]

huge mood swing

weird how those have been happening a lot more than usual lately.

im trying to beat my computer about to die. I only have a few things to say, and I cant be fucked to get up and grab the charger from my room only to put it back in there so that I can watch hunter x hunter in the living room before it gets too dark, because frankly im a big scaredy cat pussy that cant do anything remotely required of an adult.

so.

im pretty proud of my shopping habit today. I went in, I assesed properly, I didnt give in to buying stupid shit that I already had, and because of my absolute god tier discernment I managed to only buy one thing!!

one!

very proud. in the grand scheme of things, that doesnt matter all that much, but it was a big deal to me and im excited to get my habits under control.

I dont know whats going on with my feelings lately.

I dont feel my best but I don’t feel my worst. some days are better than others. I can feel really good one moment but then the next I get smacked with a huge let down that brings my entire mood down to shit despite it not being a big deal at all.

I am realizing now that I probably really need to get my charger because I have a lot more to say than I figured and I kinda dont want to risk fucking up my flow.

brb.

I am back.

I supposed its a good thing I went to get up because I was able to put my zara bag back in the guest bedroom/second closet room.

Okay, in the super grand scheme of things, spending a solid $500 dollarinos on a bunch of clothes is probably not the best step in the right direction. BUT! To justify it, I really went on that wild bender because I have transitioning. It’s a big transition, a very big girl transition into adulthood. I have an aesthetic I want to keep up, and frankly, Miss Kelly Stamps has taught me that wanting to keep up with an aesthetic takes fucking work, so I sought out to put that god damn work in and I did. That was a very privileged sentence; putting in work towards my closet as if that’s the biggest thing I could be doing with my time. But honestly, I’m working towards an overhaul of like... everything. It’s not terribly torturous, at least not to me, (I just glanced outside and I’m noticing that I’m losing sunlight, but I really want to watch more hunter x hunter, but im scared to do that at night because im on that chimera arc, and I find it very dark and scary. So perhaps I should stop wasting time and wrap up my thoughts, but I have so many that idk how im going to do it)

Anyway, yeah, at least not to me.

It’s not that I don’t want to be myself. It’s that I’ve felt so trapped by an old self for so long, and a new self is ready to emerge that I really like, but she needs work to come out. And its ugly work, it is.

She’s trapped in here and I’m working to get her out.

Now, I’ve been slacking the last few weeks. Thankfully not to the point of no return, but enough to where I’ve really been feeling like garbage about it. So I’m starting again, and I’m pretty sure I can do it better this time. I had a wonderful start (not sure what it is with me and new weeks, I feel like fresh starts are best launched at the beginning of new weeks) but I did well. Made some returns, picked up my glasses, exercised some habits I want to curate, I’m doing a good job. 

I’m hopeful to not have much errands to run after wrapping all of this up the next coming week. I say hopeful because honestly, I say that every week, and it doesn’t get any better because I’m an idiot. I know this.

But I feel this new change in my bones!! Can you believe it. Bones!

Few things I still want: Solid pairs of trousers (camel and black) Levi’s ribcage jeans/everlane cheeky jeans (black and classic blue) and heeled mary janes with a strap or some other black, square toed heel.

that’s a solid five more things I want in my arsenal that I can argue I need! But I cant order four of them until I get more other issue sorted out. Then will come winter, and I’ll have to replace my sweaters because I should look much different by then, and they will no longer due. Luckily, I have plenty of cardigans to buffer the issue, and thankfully the coats I boat were in mediums so I can get away with them, I believe. I’m imagining purchasing no more than like, four additional sweaters. Maybe even two, if I’m being as strict as I should be.

But that shopping will be spread throughout the year. Hopefully by september I will be where I want, if these habits I develop end up bending to my will.

I really want to stop being scared of little things eventually. But I need the fear so that I can do things. I need to be limited now so I’m not as much later, and I’ll have good habits to balance out any cravings I may have so that indulgence doesn’t lead to weighted regret.

I want to come up with a name for this idealism. I’ve bought six books this week, I want to read them... and I will. I want reading to be a habit. I want staying inside to be a habit. I want skirts and dresses and heels to be a habit. I want yoga and light work to be a habit. I want a lot of things.

I’m a little worried about my connection to Kelly. I want to be like her a lot. I think her philosophy is very cool, I rewatch the same videos multiple times over the course of a few days because I just like what she says. I like how smart she is and how sure she is of things. The discipline she has is very cool, and I want to get on a similar level soon. Not her extreme methods, per say, but a similar mentality because it’s fun to mimic and very much resonates with me.

She’s really cool.

I kinda want to be cool like that.

Things Ive learned:

This crochet and I are not friends. I miss my twists and my braids to my ass. But you see, I am not going anywhere, so investing in braids to my ass at this time would be incredibly stupid and hard on the neck for no good reason.

For someone who loves books so much, reading them is quite the hassle. How awful of me to buy so many but hardly read one?!

Slightly obsessed with my closet... unsure if in a good way... I’ll have to sit down with myself and inquire if we have a problem, which I think we might, and then go from there on how to get it under control.

Speaking of closets! I still think mine could be paired down some more. Though I went through it yesterday and happily got rid of things I don’t like nor fit, I still feel like I restrained on a lot of things. I’ll have to give that another go and be harder on myself and my items.

I like minimalism a lot. I want to read more about it and find more youtubers that talk about it. It interests me a lot, not because I want to be one exactly but I want to share their sentiments and teachings. It sits very well with me and my soul. I like that feeling.

Hair being short is a no go. I don’t care what itch I gain; never again. that’s dead, if you will. Though I don’t fully regret doing this cut, because I needed to scratch the itch to learn what I didn’t like. I saw what I look like and thats that!

I get full fast. Gotta slow down the habit of stuffing my face just because I can. You know. Eat when hungry, or whatever. How do people eat three times a day? Or more? I can’t even think about it without feeling full.

I like tea. I should drink it way more often.

I need to read more as well.

Anyway, some goals before I wrap this up:

I hope to hear back from crown and remodel soon. I would really like to take on either of those projects because it’s what I want. I love those spaces and I’m hopeful to aid in their curation.

Hopeful that this cut will get into full affect by mid july. It was a bit hasty of me to start it up at the beginning knowing that all of my items hadn’t arrived yet, so returns still need to be made as well as assessments.

Fill out that damned application (BH)

Watch some barbie/princess/disney movies cause you like that shit.

Read something! What is your deal! You have fics and books to devour why are you like this!

Anyway, I think I’m on the right track. I’m trying and it feels like it’s working sometimes but other times it doesn’t. It is working though, in ways. It’s okay that I don’t always feel like it... but it is.

This is going well!