#girl we are well into january. why is it only starting to get cold now. its so fucking over

[fantasmadelaciudad]

its raining

[hoes4lino]

A Mistake I Will Never Regret ❄️

WARNING ⊂✦⊃ This story contains suggestive / nsfw content. Minors please don’t interact, beware of the content you consume online.

Genre: Friends to lovers, comedy, romantic, college AU.

Word count: 4.8k

Reading time: 18 minutes

“Making this plan was a mistake but I don’t regret the outcome”

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ

The cold breeze of January made your body shiver as you waited patiently for your best friend to arrive. You paced in circles, pointer finger stuck in between your teeth as you bit it anxiously.

This was a bad idea. You told yourself, you don’t even recognize yourself for what you are about to do.

A loud thump and the cold sensation in your neck made you turn around quickly. He was here. There was no turning back.

His soft laugh embraced your ears as you rolled your eyes annoyingly “You are so annoying, you know that” You glared at the boy that had literal tears forming in his eyes.

“Hey!” He snapped back “Says the girl that texted me in the middle of the night to meet up in the park on a snowy day” He mocked you, making you cringe at yourself as you remember why you are here.

“Right….” You mumbled, He noticed the shift in your mood and looked at you concerned “What is it?” He questioned you. Shit. You took a deep breath preparing yourself for what you’re about to request.

“How much do you love me?” Looking at him with puppy eyes making him scoff “I don’t have money if that’s what you want” You snort looking at him in disbelief “I don’t need money”

He tilted his head confused “Are you in trouble?” “No” “Are you in your death bed?” “No” “Are you leaving?” “No.” He stopped questioning you to think.

“Will you let me-” He cut you off “OMG ARE YOU PREGNANT?” This man can never be serious “You know I had my doubts, ever since I saw you looking at the baby clothes at target” You bend to grab a snowball and threw it at his face.

“Hey!” He yelled as he cleaned the snow in his face “Im not pregnant! And can you blame me? That tiny dinosaur pj was hella cute” You scoff.

“Well if you are not pregnant then what is it?” The way he looked at you made it a hundred times more difficult to say.

“I need you to pretend to be in love with me” You cringe at your words as he stood there with a straight face.

A minute passed no words just intense eye contact “Say something” You practically begged. His body falling to the ground as he frantically started laughing.

“C’mon Minho I’m serious!!” You grabbed his hood to pull him back to his feet. “Damn late hours in the night really do wonders to people” He teased making you regret for even suggesting him.

“Pleaseee” You throw yourself to your knees and begged him grabbing his leg “I will never ever ask you for another favor” You look up at him with puppy eyes making him roll his eyes.

“Ok but like for what? Girl I need more details” You stood up happy that he accepted, you pulled him into a hug. “I will tell you more in the morning, Im freezing to death right now” You said as you started running away like a child who just got in their way.

“Wait y/n!!” He started chasing after you.

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ

“Ok so let me get this straight” Your best friend traced as he took a sip of his hot chocolate.

“You like Hyunjin.” He looked up as to see if he understood everything you just told him “But he only likes girls that are hard to get, so you want me to pretend like im one of your hoes… to make him jealous?” He squinted his eyes as he spoke.

“You make it sound dumb but yeah that’s the plan” You grin at him as you offered him a piece of your chocolate croissant which he accepted.

He laughed “What are we high schoolers?” He teased gaining a glare from you “I know it’s childish, but what’s life without drama?” You say gaining a preach gesture from Minho.

“You got a point, so when are we starting” He said vaguely as he grabbed his phone. “As soon as possible, but remember! You are the one that needs to pretend like you want me.” You grabbed his phone so he would look at you.

“Yeah, yeah I know” He said rolling his eyes “But what’s in for me?” He questioned making you scrunch your face, you didn’t thought about that. After all he is indeed helping you.

“I mean you might get laid from this plan, so what do I get in return?” He raised an eyebrow as you looked deep in thought. “Umm… Remember Clarissa from our sociology class? I will get you a date with her” You said hoping he would accept that deal, although convincing her was going to be rather hard.

“Im not really into her but she is hot so… deal” He said stretching his arm towards you. You giggled at the gesture you loved how he was always there for you.

“It’s a pleasure making business with you Lee Minho” You took his hand and shook it before both of you bursted out laughing.

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ

But sometimes things don’t always go as planned.

At least you never expected to see your best friend in between your legs as an outcome of this plan.

What started as a ‘How to turn on a man’ lesson end up in a rather heated…whatever situation this is.

It’s been around a month since Minho and you agreed to play this little “Lets make Hyunjin jealous” game. And to your surprise it worked perfectly. After days of Minho giving you the princess treatment during school hours, Hyunjin started getting a little annoyed and decided to ask you out on a date.

“So once he is in between your legs, he should leave wet pecks all over your thighs” His cold finger pads traveling along your burning skin, indicating where ‘Hyunjin’ should kiss you.

In this moment you aren’t sure if he still has Hyunjin in mind. At least you don’t.

You called him to visit your dorm because Hyunjin invited you to a date. And you being the virgin you are, you needed help to know what to do in a heated situation.

The night started normally, just two best friends gossiping and giggling about the situation in hand. He looked genuinely happy for you though he was feeling a little feisty today.

“Just cause he asked you out doesn’t mean he wants to kiss you” He said as he laid down on your bed, his face snuggling against your favorite plushy.

“Ouch” You said as you joined him in bed “But what if~” You trace shaking his body to get his attention. Then suddenly out of nowhere he unattached from your plushy and pushed you on the bed to pin you down. You did not see that coming.

“Then, welcome to ‘How to turn on a man 101” He teased as he moved away from you and stood up. You were about to stand up but he was quick to sit you down on the edge of the bed.

“Tsk Tsk Tsk” He moved his finger in a no manner “You will remain seated like the good student you are” He patted your head “Yes Professor Minho” You said in annoyance at his little game. “There you go, good girl” Those words shouldn’t have made you feel butterflies in your tummy.

“Ok so” He sat next to you “Lets pretend I’m Hyunjin, we are watching a movie” He began explaining the plot of the fictional situation.

“I’m gonna wrapped my arm around the back of your shoulder” He said as he did the action, pulling you closer to his body, making you stiff “Now don’t do that” He turned to look at you “If you stiffen your body he will think you don’t want that and will give you space” He explained “We are trying to get you laid not respected” He then stopped as he processed his words.

“I mean. I don’t want you to get disrespected, the moment he does something you don’t like you call me and I will beat hi-” You chuckle lightly “I get what you mean Minho” He smiled warmly “Good”

“So try to relax yourself” You do as he says gaining a satisfactory smile from him. “Now consider this as his move, in order for something to happen there should be a balance, show you interest” He looked at you waiting for you to do something.

“This is not going to work… Im too awkward- what am I supposed to do” You said frustrated, making him pinch the bridge of his nose.

“It has to be something smooth… maybe try grabbing my hand that’s on your shoulder and play with my fingers” You listen to him like an eager puppy that’s willing to learn few tricks to get a treat.

You do as he said, lightly touching his hands, your fingers intertwining with his as you opted to rest your head on his shoulder.

He looked at you with a bright smile “Look at my pupil” She patted your head “Such a fast learner” You giggle at the compliment, you always loved how he would always encourage you whenever you did something that was new to you.

After that, the hours seemed blurry, you can’t quite recall how he ended up in between your legs. It all started in an innocent way. How did we get here.

You are both fully clothed though the bulge in his grey sweatpants is hard to miss. You low-key regret wearing shorts, cause the way he was tracing his fingers in your legs shouldn’t be this delightful.

It felt like if someone was teasing you with a feather, it was taking you a lot of self determination to not react to his touch. Him on the other hand was shameless; he had no intentions to hide how much he was enjoying this, lust written in those chocolate eyes of him.

“Though” This was the first word you heard in a while, breaking the intoxicating tension in the silent room “I doubt he will enjoy this as much as I am right now” He moved to look directly into your eyes a teasing smug on his face.

You scoff “You pervert” You sat down to hit his shoulder, His laugh erupting in the room. “You asked for my help, I gave you a tiny preview of what could happen” You rolled your eyes.

“It’s too late, are you not sleeping over?” You remarked as he stood up to grab his jacket “Honey after this I’m afraid I can’t stay over” You knew what he meant, his erection was too obvious and probably painful as well.

You just hummed in understanding and walked him to the door. You were already beginning to regret this plan. As you closed the door you stood there for a couple seconds hoping he would knock and stay the night with you.

Yet it didn’t happen. You curse yourself for wanting something else to happen, he was your best friend he was just helping you for your date tomorrow. Though you wondered if he felt something… maybe a spark… something… anything.

You yeeted yourself to your bed, trying to drown the craving you had to feel his lips in yours or in any other part of your body. Taking a few deep breaths you were able to fall asleep. Oh the adventure that awaits you.

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ

“phewww” Minho whistled as you entered your bedroom, You were wearing a black dress that screamed slut me out. You found it quite odd that Hyunjin invited you to a party on your first date.

You would be lying if you say you weren’t expecting something more intimate, more romantic at least. But you won’t complain, parties are the perfect place to get laid and when your date is Hwang Hyunjin you won’t miss the chance.

“Look at you” Minho said as he stood up from your bed and made his way to you. You could feel his presence behind you as you tried to wear your necklace.

Both of you made eye contact through the mirror as he touched your hand for you to give him the necklace. While you grabbed your hair, he gently helped you put it in.

“I wonder who gave you such beautiful necklace” He teased making you laugh. He gifted it to you for your 19th Birthday a year ago and since then he always expects you to credit him every time you wore it. But can you blame him? It was a Swarovski necklace he bought with his hourly shift job when he was 20. Now that’s a friend to keep.

“At this point Im going to engrave a ‘Gifted by Minho’ on the necklace so everyone knows” You teased back making his chuckle.

“Are you ready for the party?” He said looking at you from the mirror, you nodded simply “Are you going too?” You questioned as you saw his outfit.

“Yeah, I’m trying to see if I get lucky and bring someone back to my dorm” He smirked making you snort in disgust “Too much info Minho!” You shook your head trying to erase the picture your brain created of him with someone else in bed.

“You imagined it didn’t you” Oh god how much you would love to erase that stupid smug off his face. “You are so annoying you know that?” He laughed “I wonder how many more times Im going to hear that from you” He tilted his head to look at you closer “Till I die” You said before going to get your phone which was ringing for the couple last minutes.

“It’s time for me to go” You announced as you re entered the room to get your purse “please-" He cut you off to finish your sentence “Lock the door when I leave, I know” He said with a soft tone and a smile.

You couldn’t help but reciprocate the smile “I will tell you all the deets later, bye!” You said closing the door to meet with your date, leaving Minho alone in your dorm.

“Of course you will” He said sitting down on your bed quietly. He would be lying if he said he is not excited for you, but deep down he wanted to be selfish and pull you back from Hyunjin.

When he accepted this plan he hoped some spark would light up on you and realize he likes you, however it never did and what pisses him off is that the plan worked just how you said it would.

How could you be so blind with his feelings? He sighed before standing up to leave your dorm, locking the door as you commanded.

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ

“Ummm Hyunjin…” You said uncomfortably, you been in this frat party for God knows how long. The beginning was perfect, you and Hyunjin had so much fun, even made out for a couple of minutes, however as the alcohol progressively started to take over his brain he began to lose interest in you.

“What?” He said, his tone sounding more aggressively than he wanted to “I’m sorry” He slurred “What’s wrong?” He asked again this time sounding more concerned “I umm I want to leave” You said softly a little ashamed that you are basically taking him out of the party.

“Ok bye” He pecked your lips before returning to talk to his friends, you tilted your head taken aback, you tapped his shoulder to get his attention again “You are not leaving with me?” You questioned him once he turned to look at you again “Pfft Fuck no” He said as his friends next to him began to laugh.

oh.

You needed some air.

You walked to the bathroom to get away from all that noise, you tried your best to swallow your tears. Everything was going so perfect… when did everything went down. Did he not like the way you kissed him? Maybe the dress was too much… makeup maybe?

You sighed as you made your way out of the bathroom, walking back to the spot you were with Hyunjin to get your purse. Even when the lights were dim and your vision was blurry you could see his figure kissing someone else, you were about to take another step when someone grabbed your waist and stopped you.

“I have your purse let’s go” Minho said worried “No.” You tried to escape his embrace to see it closely. Maybe your eyes were playing a trick on you. You needed to confirm it.

“Y/n” He said softly making you look up at him “Let’s go baby” He pouted making you sighed, swallowing your tears again. You couldn’t let anyone else see you cry.

The car ride was silent, Minho played few of your favorite songs to cheer you up, yet nothing could drown the embarrassment and humiliation you felt at that moment. He walked you to your apartment. He hoped to hear a word from you, yet it didn’t happen.

You were about to close the door without saying a single thanks, this pissed him off. He stopped you before you could close the door, it startled you by the loud bang of his hand against the door.

“I won’t let you go without even hearing a single word from you” He said looking intensely at you. That’s when you broke down, tears streaming down your face, your head down. “I- I thought he might be the one” You began crying. The alcohol in your system making you spill everything you been keeping.

“Im about to turn 21 next year and yet I have never ever dated anyone” You slurred, Minho didn’t know what to do exactly at that moment, he was taken aback by your sudden meltdown.

He stepped inside your dorm and closed the door behind him, locking it before helping you reach your bed. You sat down on your bed as you kept yapping about how you craved to be loved by someone special, Minho just looked at you as he stood in-front of you.

Cursing you in his head as he has been there this whole time dying to get a chance.

“Minho do you think Im pretty” You raised your head to look at him, your doe eyes shining like the stars. Minho looked at your face, your mascara ruined from your tears, and your plump lips formed in a pout. If he were to make you cry it would be for another reason, cause fuck. You looked hot in his eyes. He shook his head trying to erase that thought from his mind. Not the moment Minho. Maybe those shots got into his brain.

When you saw him shaking his head tears began to shred like there wasn’t a tomorrow, Minho panicked as he saw the way you misunderstood his actions. If only you knew what he was thinking about.

“I- No y/n” He crouched to be eye level with you “I didn’t mean that” He said with eyes filled with panic “Liar!” You hit his shoulder as you kept crying.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or your tears or maybe he was just too desperate, however never in a million years he thought he would be brave enough to kiss you.

He didn’t even notice he was kissing you until you accidentally moaned in his lips. He separated off you as quick as he was to kiss you.

“Shit y/n… I’m sorry- I had too many vodka sh-” This time he was the one to accidentally slip a moan as your lips crashed on his.

You flung your arms around his neck and you pulled him to the bed with you. They say love is a weird emotion, it surges from tiny actions and it vanishes when its not the right person. How does someone’s heart know who is the right one though?

That’s the funny part. It doesn’t. Love is like a russian roulette, it comes and goes, however with Minho, it was always there. It never vanished no matter how annoying he got at times. You just were too blind to accept your feelings. Maybe afraid of the rejection that could have come with confessing.

When humans are in love they rather live their lives filled with ‘what if’s’ than being rejected by those who their heart choose. That’s why people say Love is a coward emotion, because only those who are brave enough are capable of experiencing it.

“Y/n shit” He cursed as you involuntarily grinded on his crotch as he kissed you “I- I can’t do this, not when you are-” You stopped his sentence to peck his cheek “just the tip?” You said in an innocent voice.

And that’s how only three words could break down his moral of never fucking a drunk girl, specially you. He wanted the moment to be special but how could he resist when you were practically begging him.

Let this be a mistake he will regret in the morning. Cause fuck it he won’t hold back. “Just the tip” He grunted as he kissed your neck, his hands groping your ass and thighs.

He was about to slip his hand under your dress to touch your pussy when he remembered something important. At least to him. You were a virgin.

“Fuck I can’t do this” He sat up leaving you dumbfounded “Why?” You protested “You kissed me first so I thought you would” He was quick to stop your words “It’s not that… I do want you, Fuck I been dying for this the moment I met you, I have even daydreamed about fucking a child inside of you the moment I saw you in the child section at target” He started rambling nonsense he doesn’t even know where it was coming from.

His words sent a million butterflies rushing to your tummy, your legs pressing against each other “But…” You trace tilting your head waiting for him to continue “but… you are a virgin and I want you to be a hundred percent sure that you want me to be the one” You chuckle lightly.

“I am sure though” You said moving to sit on his lap and kiss his neck slowly “No… you are drunk” He said caving into your kisses. “I promise you that I only had 2 mimosas and that was hours ago” You said trying to convince him you were pretty much sober by now which was indeed true.

“What’s 8 x 8” Here it was the stupid mathematical questions he would always pull on you to see how coherent you were “64” You rolled your eyes “Square root of 12?” “144, c’mon give me something hard” You said annoyed waiting for him to believe you.

“You are sitting on it” It took you a moment to process what he meant, your cheeks flushing as you felt it. You hit his shoulder and hid your face with your hands “You are so annoying y-” “I know that” He teased as he grabbed you to lay you down on the bed, his body pinning yours.

His smirk sends tremors through your knees. "You wanna know a secret...?" You hold your breath as he leers closer, allowing you to better see the lust flickering through his umber eyes. "I been holding back to just bend you down ever since we started this little plan, I hope you turn into little slut for my cock..."

Holy shit. Who would say you would hear those words coming out of his mouth.

The wave of wetness that pools between your thighs immediately soaks your underwear. It takes every bit of your lingering self control to not grind your best friend's crotch like a horny rabbit.

Even so, you find it more and more difficult to repress your dirty desires as Minho trails his hands up your legs, pausing to lift and wrap your knee around his hips. So this is what heaven feels like. You nearly moan as you feel his erection pushing against your pelvis.

"Oh fuck—" Your brain completely short circuits, unable to stop your desperate moans. Yours and his moans bleed into one another as your clothed cores come into contact. Minho's fingers tighten on your leg-just shy of bruising.

“Please just the tip” You begged as you seek to make eye contact with him.

You wonder if he can feel the extent of your wetness against the front of his jeans, but all thoughts are chased away when he dragged his finger on top of your swelling folds.

"Fucking hell" He hisses, his hand beside your head tightening into a fist- "You are so wet for me… it feels like dream” You chuckle at him, too drunk on the sensation.

“I'm not gonna I-last if you are this wet for me..." His words only motivate your intentions, thrusting your hips into his fingers, desperate to feel his. Seeking more leverage, you wind your arms around his waist and tug him even closer against your body. His face seeks refuge in the crook of your neck as you continue, further fueled by the hot breathe caressing your collarbones.

"Fine. I’ll give you what you want” He said breathlessly as he sat to take his pants off and raised your dress enough to let him see your wet panties. He wanted to let you keep some modesty and you were grateful for that.

You silently agree with your companion to keep your top clothes on, gasping loudly when his tip tap on your cunt. He moved it up and down your arousal to wet him a little bit. You both breathed heavily at the sensation. Just the tip. Just the tip. He kept remind himself as his tip slowly made his way inside your cunt.

He made sure to go as slow as possible to not make you uncomfortable, he wished you would have let him eat you out before stretching you, but Mrs little impatient didn’t let him.

The way your warm cunt clenched on his tip was making it hard to focus on the task in hand, which was not enter you fully. But how could he restrain himself when your hand is playing with clit in front of him. It was like you were taunting him. Speak of the devil cause you might be the temptation in person.

And oh god you were indeed the devil cause if it wasn’t for the way you desperately asked him for more he would’ve just done the tip. However someone was greedy and the next time he knew he was fully inside you trusting his cock deep inside you.

The lewd sounds embraced the room, the sloppy sound of your arousal and the thump of his pelvis hitting yours turning both of you even more.

His lips never left your body, he was either leaving love bites in your chest or kissing your mouth like it was your last day.

Although everything felt so sudden, it felt right. The passion the lust everything. It felt like the best timing.

It wasn’t until his kisses got sloppier that you knew he was close to cum, you grabbed his hair and squeezed it tightly as he switched your position, placing couple pillows under you so he could have better access to your cunt.

If you thought he couldn’t go any deeper you were wrong. His dick rubbing that spot that’s been getting teased for a while now. He pressed his hand on your stomach just so he could see how deep his dick was inside you. And oh lord that drove him to the edge. You both cling to one another as your climaxes approach one after another.

Minho's guttural groan triggered a release that spills white-hot bliss through your veins. You can feel your cunt pulsating as you fight to catch your breath. It's not until post nut clarity hits you that you realize what was going on.

"Did we just?” You asked embarrassed as the man cling into you hummed happily, his hot breath hitting your neck.

"You were the one begging for it you better not regret it" He teased as he hugged you even more tightly, if this was a dream he hoped he would never wake up.

You shove Minho with a newfound adrenaline, staring at his confused expression “You are annoying. I really hope you know that.” He began to frantically laugh as he pecked your lips “And you love that charm of mine, I know that”

The rest of the night was spent in kisses and chuckles, until you both finally drifted into a slumber sleep. This whole plan was a mistake you will never regret.

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ 🎐 *ೃ

A/N: Sorry I made Hyunjin the bad guy, this character indeed does not fit his personality but as always remember that my fics never correlate to any of the idols real image, its all pure fiction. Also I didn’t proofread this, as I rushed to finish it on a school night, let me know of there’s any typos. Hope y’all enjoy! <;3

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman- Part 41

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words : 5k

Masterlist

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Wednesday, January 27; 4:30 PM - Ona and Alexia's Room.

If someone had told me that one day my room would become a place where we gather to study, I wouldn't have believed it. Just a few days after starting in my new class, and I already feel completely lost. How did I choose this option? I never thought I'd say this, but... My mom was right about one thing: I’m not cut out for math at all.

"Hey, are you paying attention?" someone reminds me.

I sigh, rubbing my arm where Alessia just hit me. How can I concentrate with these subjects? There are way too many numbers!

"Can we take a break?"

"We just took one, you’re exaggerating."

I turn to smile at Alba, who chuckles behind me. She’s sitting on the floor against her sister’s bed since the two beds are taken by Alexia herself and Leah. As for Alessia and me, she insisted we sit in front of my desk to work under the best conditions. I sigh to show my discontent.

"Can we stop then? I’m starting to get fed up."

She studies me for a moment, probably wondering if I’m joking. No, I’m not. I really can’t take it anymore. My head is about to explode with the migraine that's starting to hit.

"Well... I can’t force you after all."

Her decision makes me smile, just like the other relieved groans. It was as if that was the only thing they had been waiting for since we got here. I’m just as happy as they are that Alessia is letting me off the hook. Lucy would never have let me off so easily, but I really can't continue like this. I don’t have the focus to study. My mind has been way too disturbed these past few days. The silence that had settled in the room is broken by Leah’s grunts as he stretches.

"It was about time, damn it!" Leah swears. "Anyway, I'm sick of working my ass off only to get crappy grades. I’m going to clear my head in the common room. Who's coming with me?"

"Great idea," Alba quickly replies. "I thought no one would ever suggest it."

I smile as I watch them pack up their things as quickly as lightning. Unlike them, I take my time. I’m not in as much of a rush to get out of here. The girls seem to agree. Well, Alessia is taking her time too, and Alexia doesn’t even seem to notice what’s happening with her phone in front of her and her headphones in her ears. The girls seem to understand our lack of motivation because they leave, saying we’ll meet up later. Now, it’s just Alessia and me. I turn towards Ale, who hasn’t changed her position, before turning back to Alessia again. She looks at me curiously before giving me a timid smile.

"Is everything okay?"

"If you say so..."

"You’ve been less cheerful these past few days. Is it because of classes? Or maybe it’s because of Korbin?"

I sigh and shrug. So many things have gone wrong in just one week that I don’t even know why I’m not okay anymore. The upside of all this is that I’m discovering, albeit late, the amazing people around me. I’ve always had Alexia and Leah, who continue to be sweet to me, but now they’re not the only ones. There’s Alessia, Alba, and all the others. I’m not doing well, that’s no secret anymore. I’ve tried to hide my emotions, but it’s become difficult, especially with all the sleepless nights I’ve been having.

"In a way... Listen, Alessia, I want to take advantage of the fact that we’re alone for once," I began, glancing at Alexia, who still seemed occupied.

"A problem...?"

"Oh no. Quite the opposite. I wanted to apologize."

She struggles to hide her surprise. She opens her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it.

"I misjudged you. We started off well, but I took your reaction to my orientation before Christmas break the wrong way, and it put me off."

"I noticed," she smiles sadly. "It’s okay, don’t worry. It’s more me who should apologize. It’s just that I’ve accepted myself for a long time, so I was surprised by your cold responses on the subject. But I completely understand your position."

"You have nothing to apologize for," I chuckled. "I shouldn’t have gotten upset that day. I don’t want you to think I hold a grudge against you, or worse, that I don’t like you."

"That’s not the case, I assure you," she smiles. "You didn’t have to apologize."

"It’s the least I could do. You’re still helping me with classes and all that. It’s really cool of you. I’m glad I ended up in your class," I said honestly.

Our relationship has evolved a lot over the past few weeks. The fact that we’re in the same class helps a lot. Alessia, who’s also an art fan, has the same ambitions as I do. Not only do we have a lot to talk about, but she also gives me the motivation to keep going. Without her, I would’ve probably given up on my studies. She’s far from being as good at explaining things and her methods aren’t as great as Lucy’s, but I appreciate her efforts to help me. What she offers is better than nothing.

"I’m happy to do it. I enjoy spending time with you."

"Oh, and also... I wanted to apologize for Mapi’s behavior on New Year’s. I asked her to stop, but she did whatever she wanted anyway," I laughed.

"What do you mean...?"

"Well... Mapi purposely stuck to me all evening. She wanted-"

I pause, searching for my words. I hesitate to be blunt. I sigh and shake my head. The answer should be obvious. If I want a healthy foundation with her, I need to stop avoiding things and be honest.

"She wanted to make you jealous," I finally said. "She thought you were interested in me and she wanted to have some fun. Once she gets an idea in her head, there’s no stopping her."

"She might not have been wrong," she laughs. "So she and you..."

"There’s nothing going on anymore," I quickly replied. "We’re just friends now."

"Oh... But you’re interested in someone, right? I’m sorry... but you and Ale talk a lot in code at the table, and that’s what I gathered... I thought you were talking about her."

I smile, sensing her discomfort. I had realized that she was paying attention to our private conversations. As much as Alexia tries to make sure our friends are occupied before she starts, she can’t stop mentioning Lucy at every opportunity. I really need to tell her to stop doing that at the table or any other place where we might be surrounded by people. It’s a subject that could put Lucy in danger, even if we never mention her by name. That’s not what I want, no matter how much I hate her right now. Alessia nervously runs a hand through her hair, giving me an awkward smile. She must sense it’s a sensitive topic. It is. Especially since my own friends don’t agree with my decision. Only Mapi and Alexia know, and they’ve clearly teamed up to disagree with my choice to distance myself. According to them, I’m intentionally hurting myself by doing this. They’re probably right, but what they don’t understand is that it would be worse to keep talking to her. I can’t keep developing feelings for her, and that’s what would happen if we picked up our relationship where it left off. I’ve had enough sleepless nights to be sure of my decision. Plus, my pride won’t let me forgive her so easily. Doing so would mean accepting our situation, and I don’t. Lucy needs to understand that. I sigh, running my hand through my hair. My eyes settle on Alessia, and I speak honestly.

"I... Yeah. I’m interested in someone, but it’s not Mapi, and it’s complicated."

"I could tell... I guess that’s one of your problems right now?"

I sigh and nod.

"Yeah, you could say that... One of many..."

Even with all the problems around me, this is definitely the hardest one to deal with. I simply can’t stop thinking about Lucy. I wish I could forgive her, but I can’t. I mean, what’s the point? If I did, it would mean she got what she wanted, and that’s out of the question. My pride couldn’t handle it, nor could my feelings for her. Despite everything I’ve been through, deep down, I’m completely broken. I just don’t understand her choice. I spend my time avoiding her, but I’ve ended up studying her from afar whenever we cross paths. I need to know if she’s at least a little affected by this situation. It’s hard to read her. Lucy is a very closed-off person here, in her work. She’s been even more so since our fight. I didn’t know what to think. I felt like I was seeing it because I wanted to believe it. It was my friends who made me realize it was true. They started asking me questions about her. According to them, something was wrong with Lucy, and they wondered if I knew anything. Of course, I didn’t say anything, but it made me question things again. I concluded that our fight really did affect her. I know she cares about me. It’s obvious, and she’s made it clear to me many times... Even now, she forbids me from going back home to Barcelona, thinking it’s too risky. But in what way does she care about me exactly? Did she really only expect friendship? Her decision should tell me yes, but her actions scream the opposite. There are so many reasons why she might not want to take our relationship further that I’ve stopped thinking about it. Now, I’ve reached the point where I can no longer deny that I miss her. Every day, I wish I could tell her about my day or just talk to her. However, I don’t have the courage to do it, even with all of Alexia’s encouragement and support. I know I’d crack, and that would ruin all my efforts to ignore her. Lucy is just waiting for me to give her an opening, but I won’t do it

"Otherwise…" Alessia pulls me out of my thoughts with slight hesitation. "Why don’t you talk to Bronze about Korbin and her friends? I’m sure she’d react if she knew they were persecuting you at every opportunity," she adds, making me narrow my eyes.

"I’m not going to tell her. I can handle it just fine without her," I replied, feeling defensive.

"The reason I’m saying this is because Lucy is known for being fair. She’d definitely defend you if she knew you were in this situation."

"I don’t care."

"Besides, you two seem close… I imagine she’d want to know."

"Alessia, that’s enough," I said sharply. "I’m not going to change my mind."

Groaning interrupts our conversation, which was on the verge of taking a bad turn. We turn to look at Alexia, who’s now sitting up and staring at us. I had completely forgotten about her for a moment. She removes her headphones and starts speaking.

"What? Do I have something on my face that makes you stare at me like that?"

"No," I giggled.

"I’m going to join the others downstairs," Alessia announces, standing up. "I suppose we’ll meet at the dining hall?"

I nod gently, glancing at Alexia, who doesn’t seem eager to leave either. There’s a heavy silence when the door slams shut behind Alessia. I sigh, relieved to finally be able to occupy myself freely. I stand up to get my drawing supplies and then settle on my bed. It’s the best place to immerse myself in my new drawing, which I’ve just started.

"You know, I heard what you said to Alessia."

"Oh yeah?" I said, not taking my eyes off my drawing.

"Yeah. What exactly are you trying to do? Replace Lucy with Alessia?"

"Excuse me?" I frowned.

"Alessia will never measure up to Lucy. I hope you realize that."

I raise an eyebrow, trying to see if she’s really serious about what she’s saying. It seems like she is, as she doesn’t even blink.

"You should be the first to know that I’m not trying to replace her, just forget her. Besides, Alessia is really cool. She’s been helping me a lot even though I behaved badly towards her. The least I could do was apologize and be honest with her."

Her features soften at my response. She seems to realize that she got worked up for nothing. I’m indeed starting to appreciate Alessia, but certainly not in the way she thinks. Even though Alessia may have said she likes me, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not the one I’m interested in. Ever since I’ve known Lucy, she’s given me the impression that she’s the only one who can truly fulfill me. She understands me like no one ever has, and she’s always been able to meet my expectations. The fact that Alexia thought I was using Alessia irritates me a bit. I’m not that kind of person. It’s even more surprising that she keeps defending my supervisor. It’s not like she adores her—in fact, quite the opposite. Things were always tense between them.

"I’m sorry," she sighs. "It’s just that I don’t understand you. I’ve never seen you this down, and it annoys me that you keep ignoring Lucy. It’s good that you apologized to Alessia, but we both know that neither she, nor I, nor anyone else can be there for you like Lucy is, and we can’t help you the way she does."

"You really need to stop talking to Mapi," I raised an eyebrow.

"I’m not talking to her…"

I challenge her to contradict me again, but she just rolls her eyes in response.

"Okay, fine. Maybe I do talk to her, but I can’t help it. She asks me to take care of you since she’s not around to do it," she defends herself. "You have no idea how crazy she drives me because she’s convinced you’re not telling her everything."

It’s my turn to roll my eyes, recognizing my best friend in that behavior. When she realizes she won’t get anything more out of me, she turns to others, thinking she’ll get more information from them. Unfortunately for her, I anticipated her reaction. I knew she and Alexia would team up against me. They had already started by insisting separately to get more details on how I’m feeling. As a result, I simply reduced what I say, making sure to reassure them while not saying exactly the same thing to each of them, so they’d have something to discuss together. They don’t seem to understand that I’m grown up enough to take care of myself.

"Talking to me constantly about Lucy isn’t going to make me feel better, you know. You can pass that message along to Mapi. She keeps talking to me about it too."

"And you think drawing her is going to help you, maybe?" she teases.

My hand freezes over the sheet where I’ve indeed drawn my supervisor while she was Sleeping. I sigh, running my hand through my hair. Well, it looks like she’s got a point. I can’t help it if I’m still having sleepless nights. It was one night when I still couldn’t fall asleep, and unlike usual, she had ended up sleeping on her back. She looked so peaceful, and I found her so beautiful that I couldn’t resist grabbing a sheet of paper and a pencil from my school supplies. It was the first night I was able to fall asleep because drawing her had calmed me down.

"I… No. It’s personal torture, I suppose."

I glance at Alexia, who grimaces at my response. What else could it mean, after all? She groans in frustration before getting up from her bed.

"Come on, move over and get that drawing out of my sight."

I shift over to make room for her and take the opportunity to place my drawing materials on the floor. I barely have time to sit back up when Alexia opens her arm to me. I groan, knowing exactly how this is going to end if I get into this position.

"No," I replied.

"That wasn’t a question. Come here."

I sigh as I settle into her arms. Surprisingly, she doesn’t speak. Usually, she pushes me to my limits and lectures me until I pour my heart out. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to cry in front of her this week. I often end up with puffy eyes that I have to hide in the shower when I get back so that Lucy doesn’t notice. So far, my plan has always worked. Maybe she does notice and chooses not to say anything, fearing it might lead to an argument. It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. Today, however, it’s different. Alexia simply hugs me, resting her head against mine. I take advantage of this embrace, which is rarely this calm. We stay in that position for a long time without speaking, as she gently strokes my hair. Exhaustion overwhelms me, and before I can react, my eyes close.

Wednesday, January 27; 7:30 PM - Dining Hall.

We’ve just joined our friends in the dining hall. We arrived later than usual because of me. Alexia’s cuddles did me in, which is quite surprising. I still find it hard to believe, knowing how little can actually get me to sleep these days. Her intention was for me to rest, and I have to say she succeeded. I slept for two long hours, during which she took the opportunity to tidy up all my stuff. No one but her realized how much I needed it. Our friends were already at the table and had eaten without us, but they were kind enough to wait. I half-heartedly start on my meal once we’re seated. I’ve lost my appetite, and I know that’s not good. I don’t know how many pounds I’ve lost since I’ve been at this school, but definitely more than I needed to lose.

"Hey, aren’t you eating?" Alba asks me.

"I am, I am…" I say, bringing a forkful of mashed carrots to my mouth.

Tonight’s meal isn’t anything special. They’ve made better meals before, and certainly more appetizing ones. I scan the room, not paying attention to the conversations happening around the table. I think they’re talking about classes, but I’m not sure. My first reflex is to look across the room, where Lucy and Ingrid are sitting. I’m surprised to catch her staring at me, but I quickly avert my eyes to the rest of the room. Some students are still present, but others have already left the dining hall to go about their evening activities.

I focus on the second person in the room who’s staring at me: Korbin. That girl has a serious problem. She and her friends have targeted me for some unknown reason. For now, I’m only dealing with a few snide remarks when I cross paths with them, but they’re getting nastier. I still don’t understand what she has against me. The worst part is that she’s started to drag her friends into it. I’m really glad I have my own friends to defend me when they’re around. Especially Alba. I’ve never seen her so attentive since she found out

what was happening. According to my sources, which is none other than her sister, Leah told her after figuring out what was going on from the increasing number of snide remarks in class.

I sigh as I take another bite. I really have no luck in life. On top of that, there’s everything else happening at the same time—it’s crazy. I glance back at Lucy’s table. I’m surprised to see it empty so quickly, without having noticed anything. Usually, I always notice when she leaves the dining hall. I sigh, lowering my head. At least that saves me from stealing any more glances at her during my meal. I was about to start a conversation with Alexia, but a hand on my shoulder interrupts me.

I’m surprised to find Lucy standing behind me when I turn to see who it was. Her expression is unreadable. She’s gone back to being very detached, and I don’t particularly like it. It’s as if we’ve gone back to our early days, where only the rules mattered to her. Well, I’ve been asking for her to behave this way towards me. I’ve been ignoring her since we had our talk in the restroom. Our eyes meet, but she doesn’t react. Her hand on my shoulder hasn’t moved either.

“Is there a problem?” I ask.

“Go straight to your room after dinner.”

I narrow my eyes, understanding what she means by that. She wants me to meet her as soon as I get out of here. I close my eyes for a moment before reopening them, anchoring my gaze in hers.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re exhausted.”

“And why is that any of your business?” I say through clenched teeth. “I don’t need you to manage my sleep schedule.”

She narrows her eyes at my response, which clearly doesn’t sit well with her. Her expression grows even colder.

“There’s no room for negotiation. I’m your superior, and that’s an order. If you don’t listen, I won’t hesitate to punish you.”

Her words surprise me, though I don’t let it show. It’s the first time she’s used her status to get what she wants. She’s asked me several times to come back to her room earlier, but I’ve never listened until now. It seems she’s found another way to get her way.

“This is what you want, isn’t it?” she taunts.

This can’t be real. Where’s this sudden change in behavior coming from? I can tell her question has a double meaning. I can’t even deny it. Deep down, I’ve only been distant in hopes she’d change her mind. It seems to have had the opposite effect on her. Here she is, back to being my superior. I’m irritated that she’s toying with me like this. It just gives me more reason to distance myself from her. I sigh, forcing myself not to get any more upset than I already am.

“I’ll go to my room, Commander,” I reply coldly.

“Good. You have thirty minutes, not a minute more. If I don’t see you, I’ll come get you, and it won’t be good for you.”

“The message is clear, Bronze.”

The unsettling coldness in my voice surprises even me. Lucy nods slightly and leaves without another word. She heads toward the exit, where I notice Ingrid waiting by the door. When she sees me watching, she offers a sympathetic smile, as if she knows what just happened. I return the smile before turning my attention back to the table.

“Things don’t seem to be going well between you two,” comments Alba.

“No, they’re not,” I sigh. “You were right about one thing—she’s become a real pain.”

“You think? She seems to be worried about you,” Leah replies, raising an eyebrow.

“She’s too stubborn to realize it,” Alexia retorts.

“Are you done?” I growl, shooting a particularly sharp look at Ale.

She shrugs indifferently, as if my look doesn’t matter to her. I really feel like leaving the table and isolating myself, but that would mean going back to Lucy’s room even earlier. I don’t particularly want to give her that satisfaction, though I take her threats very seriously. She’d be capable of sending me to bed without a shower and punishing me first thing tomorrow morning. I’m exasperated just thinking about it. I force myself to finish my meal, taking my time. I’m the last to finish.

The others have taken the trouble to wait for me. Even so, they’re the first to leave the table when they see my empty plate. That works out for me, as I’d like to head straight to the educators’ dormitory. That’s exactly what I manage to do. The group has gone ahead to return to the common room. They know I’ve been ordered to go to “my” room. The only person who stays with me is Alexia, as always. She walks with me up to the door of the educators’ dormitory. We haven’t spoken since earlier, but at least it’s helped to calm our irritation with each other.

“So, does their dorm look different from ours? I think you’re the only student who’s had the chance to go in there.”

I smile softly at her sudden change of subject. At least I won’t have to deal with any more of her remarks for today.

“No. To be honest, the rooms are pretty similar. The only difference is the bathroom is more modern, and the hallways are brighter and better decorated.”

“Seriously? That’s disappointing,” she pouts.

“I figured,” I chuckle.

“Ouch... I think she’s already waiting for you,” she comments, staring behind me.

I turn around to see Lucy waiting at the bottom of the stairs with her arms crossed. Her eyebrows furrow in displeasure when our eyes meet. I sigh, turning back to Alexia. I didn’t think I was late. Alexia laughs at my expression, patting my shoulder.

“Hang in there. Have a good night,” she smiles.

“Thanks,” I breathe. “You have a good night too. We’ll meet at the entrance to the cafeteria?”

“Yeah, like always.”

She kisses my cheek and then turns away. I wait until she’s out of sight before entering the building where Lucy is still standing. I walk toward her, keeping my head held high.

“I’m not late,” I say right away.

“Upstairs.”

“Oh, so you’ve decided to just give me orders now?”

“Yes, because it’s the only way to make you listen. Go on, upstairs.”

She nods toward the stairs with an expression that gives me no choice but to move. I roll my eyes and walk ahead, unenthusiastically. She irritates me when she acts like this. I stop a few steps from her door and suddenly turn around. Lucy had time to stop, maintaining a reasonable distance between us.

“I forgot my school supplies,” I realize.

“You’ll get them tomorrow morning.”

“It’ll only take five minutes,” I try.

“The answer is no.”

“Oh come on,” I groan. “Come with me if you’re worried I won’t come back.”

“I said no. Are you going to keep defying me like this? You know it’ll end badly, and you won’t get what you want anyway.”

“You’re such a pain,” I sigh.

“Don’t start again. Go on, move. It’s already late.”

“It’s only eight-thirty.”

“And you still need to take a shower,” she says, opening her bedroom door.

I enter the room, moving forward against my will. I turn around when she closes the door.

“Really?” I raise an eyebrow. “You’re letting me shower then?”

“Of course,” she rolls her eyes. “You have half an hour. Then, you’ll sleep.”

“Yeah, if you insist.”

I mutter that as I kneel in front of my suitcase, which serves as my wardrobe. Lucy’s room is so small with an extra bed that it was impossible to add any more storage. It’s very annoying to live like this, but there’s no choice since Lucy doesn’t want to let me go. I grab a new pair of pajamas and head to the bathroom.

“Thirty minutes,” Lucy reminds me as I slam the door.

I hate when she acts like this. She knows I can’t stand to disappoint her, even in this position. She’s lucky I don’t need to wash my hair tonight, but that doesn’t stop me from taking my time under the hot water. It’s the only place where I feel at peace, especially these past few days. I cherish the moments when I’m alone because they’ve become rare. I sigh as I turn off the water. I stay there for a moment, letting the water drip off my body into the tub. I get out when the cold starts to set in. I wrap myself in a towel and undo the hair tie that kept my hair from getting wet.

I stop in front of the mirror. I sigh when I see my reflection. I understand Lexa’s decisions when I look at myself now. I look awful. I’ve lost color, and my cheeks seem hollowed out. Clearly, heartache doesn’t suit me. I quickly shake off those thoughts, drying myself off before putting on my pajamas. It’s time to go back to the bedroom.

When I come out, Lucy is reading in her bed. Surprisingly, she leaves me alone. It’s probably because I’m going to bed without making a fuss. I lean over slightly to reach her nightstand. Lucy allowed me to store my phone here, and that hasn’t changed. The comment I’ve been expecting finally comes.

“No messages tonight, Ona.”

“Just a second,” I mumble. “I just want to check it, not reply.”

She nods slightly, keeping an eye on my movements. As I said, I just check my messages. As usual, they’re all from Mapi. I take the time to read them. They’re no different from the other days. She’s just checking in on me and wondering if the situation has changed. As promised, I don’t respond. I don’t feel like it, and at least I’ll have a valid excuse tomorrow night. I put my phone down and let my eyes linger on the ring in the drawer. It’s the one Lucy gave me for Christmas. I took it off after our argument. I used to play with it a lot on my finger, but I felt compelled to remove it because of its symbolism and meaning. Lucy noticed, of course. She didn’t see me take it off. I did it during the night, but the next morning, I saw her glance at my hand.

“It’s time to sleep.”

I look up at Lucy, who doesn’t seem to have looked away. I nod and I close the drawer. Without saying another word, I make sure to turn my back to her. I’ve realized that every time we talk, we tend to be cold and tense, and that’s definitely not what I need before going to sleep. I sigh, snuggling as much as I can into my blanket. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep as best as I can, but it's going to be difficult after the nap I took earlier this afternoon.

Still, just closing my eyes helps me relax. Minutes pass, and I start to drift off. I was actually on the verge of falling asleep when I heard Lucy get up behind me. I hear her sigh heavily, and a few seconds later, I feel her lips against my forehead. I have to fight against myself not to open my eyes at that gesture. She can’t know that I’m still awake. She pulls away but lets her hand linger in my hair.

“Sorry, Princess... I hope you can have some sweet dreams, for once.”

These words are only murmurs, but I heard them clearly. It’s when I no longer feel her touch and notice that the small light has finally been turned off that I realize she’s gone to bed too. Unable to control myself, a few tears slip from my eyes. Why did she apologize? I didn’t need that right now. I clutch the blanket as tightly as I can. That night felt really strange. Without being able to explain it, I managed to fall asleep a few minutes later.

[everythingyouwilllistento]

MAC MILLER DISCOG RELISTEN FOR JANUARY 2025

yo, so im now dedicating part of this blog to sharing my thoughts and ratings for reviews so i can keep these thoughts on a place that isnt amazon or on a confusing site, might also copy this to something like substack.

ive also set this year for trying to consume tons of music as much as i can and that includes listening to 2 different artists' discographies (my own and a friend's recommendation) during a month. for my own choice this month ive wanted to listen to mac miller's discography again since "Balloonerism" is coming out this month and i want to go back and try to see if anything has changed context since his passing, if anything has held up besides that, and if my thoughts on mac have changed.

Best Day Ever (2011)

technically the first mac album listed on streaming services, since the "K.I.D.S." mixtape was reissued after this and his first album dropped later in the year after this tape and ILL,TY. the 1st and last act are def highlights with bangers and smoother production on "donald trump" & "ill be there" but good lord some of these beat choices on the mid section are so atrocious lmfao. it doesn't stop mac from being infectious and happy thankfully, the intro track and the mom ballad with phonte are insane tear jerkers now. if you're looking to actually start with mac miller, start with "K.I.D.S."

FAVS: Best Day Ever, Donald Trump, I'll Be There, BDE Bonus

WORST: Play Ya Cards (beat is terrible and this is def the weakest of mac's rhymes on the whole thing)

RATING: 67/110 (rating explanation)

K.I.D.S. (2011)

the most vibe-filled mixtape from the best white boy to ever do it. the spins is a 110/110 song. i don't even care if mac is rapping about drinking and taking a girl home to pipe after. beats are pretty tasteful and chill, mac is on his frat best for most of this, and its really apparent why he got signed so early.

FAVS: The Spins, Nikes On My Feet, Kool Aid & Frozen Pizza

WORST: Ride Around (BAD BARS DO NOT READ! and a very plain beat)

RATING: 78/110

I Love Life, Thank You (2011)

we love you mac, thank you. weirdly better than the debut album that came out after this, and personally, Bun B gets the pass from me on "All That". there's only 2 notable tracks on this but the tape as a whole is good.

FAVS: Love Lost, The Scoop on Heaven, I Love Life, Thank You, All That

WORST: Cold Feet (worst clams casino track I've ever heard and bad mac bars that have aged worst considering his death)

RATING: 77/110

Blue Slide Park (2011)

might be as weak as best day ever. only songs that are worth replaying are the ones that'll really stick to you. also not a lot of interesting flows or topics, its MAINLY about fucking and being so fly while stoned or drunk over some of the most intriguing beats, good and bad.

FAVS: Under the Weather, Blue Slide Park, Missed Calls, One Last Thing

WORST: Loitering (dawg what the hell)

RATING: 67/110

Macadelic (2012)

we are given hints before the greatness that is WMwtSO and you can hear it all over this tape with leftovers from the K.I.D.S. era. also any mac song with mikey rocks is so good, they go together like pb&j. the wayne feature is really bad even compared against juicy j's verse, i wont hear you out if you wanna argue about it because i think you're wrong. fight the feeling is incredible even with the moaning outro, and while there's some lame songs in here, it doesn't distract most of the mood and tone of the LP.

FAVS: Fight the Feeling, Thoughts From A Balcony, America

WORST: Ignorant

RATING: 78/110

Watching Movies With the Sound Off (2013)

haven't heard this since middle school and holds up incredibly well for most of its runtime (if you put aside the horribly aged slurs laced in some of these bars [i.e. Avian & Gees] and bad dark humor bars). faces took a bunch of leftover beats from this and more darker mac thoughts during that time but this reads better as an album overall. wacky as hell beats, goofy yet more monotoned and emotional rhymes, and heavenly moments make this an all-timer. "objects in the mirror" is the main stand-out among the whole record and its pain hits so much harder after his passing.

FAVS: Objects In the Mirror, Red Dot Music (alchemist beats are top tier), The Star Room (& the OG version too), I Am Who Am (Killin' Time)

WORST: Goosebumpz (diplo sucks and bad mac verses)

RATING: 89/110

Faces (2014)

turning 11 years old this year, and it still sounds so dreamy and trippy. mac had no clue what he was trying to say on most of this during his most darkest time and it shows: the most drug induced bars, bits of psychedelic harmonies, classic tracks, and he did it all without a drake feature.

FAVS: Diablo, Here We Go, Colors and Shapes

WORST: if i had to pick it probably be wedding or apparition

RATING: 99/110

GO:OD AM (2015)

"perfect circle / god speed" is incredibly tough to listen to now. beats are so lush and bouncy but there's some stink in here from early mac that thankfully doesn't stop the vibe of a rising sun after a shit day.

FAVS: Perfect Circle / God Speed, 100 Grandkids, Brand Name

WORST: When In Rome (just pretty standard for a mac song)

RATING: 88/110

The Divine Feminine (2016)

definitely a weaker entry since most of the lush and sexy production gets stale quick, but to say mac isn't in his best shape is like telling me lava isn't hot. "dang!" & "god is fair, sexy nasty" are crazy highlights

FAVS: Dang!, God Is Fair, Sexy Nasty

WORST: Planet God Damn

RATING: 75/110

Swimming (2018)

i don't think i can even listen to the next two albums without crying dude. it fucks me up severely that I'm now older than mac when he passed, and the hurt this and circles caused still hit all these years later. i hope mac has finally finished swimming to his rest and relief.

FAVS: What's The Use?, Self Care, 2009, Ladders, Come Back to Earth, Jet Fuel, Wings, Small Worlds, Hurt Feelings, So It Goes

WORST: Conversation Pt. 1

RATING: 105/110

Circles (2020)

it hurts. everything about this album hurts. we don't deserve to hear someone so cool, so close, so intimate after they're gone. every soft and smooth percussion, synth, and voice just make me tear up like no other album has. mac has been a huge influence in my life for music and for life. his depression and goofiness felt so close to mine but he feels like he's gotten past it with some trouble still lingering but not bothering. when this came out, it felt like something was completed, for better and worse. before it, i was depressed, lonely, and unsatisfied by way of living with family and no real career. the next year after listening to this album, i moved out and found the love of my life.

when people say this album saved their lives, i believe it. this album makes me sad and cry but in a way where i can see the future and hope there's something good for me waiting on the other side. this year, I'm planning on moving to another state again, but happily married and wanting to start hobbies and careers i enjoy instead of just sitting with a job because it pays well. 2024 was the year i started really writing down my thoughts and reviews on albums i like and enjoyed and this year will be the one i want to take it further and try to make a living out of. whether it be writing reviews for shit no one cares about, trying to make a career out of streaming for the umpteenth time, or find a job worth clocking in everyday for.

FAVS: Hand Me Downs, Circles, Good News, Everybody, Once a Day, Surf

RATING: 102/110

thank you mac miller.

here's to 2025, and to the extent of life as we know it. as a dream, as a physical quantity, and as music. i love you and have a great year.

[1lostsoul0fishbowl]

here’s the rest of that steve chapter especially for you @the-unforgivenn since you wanted more! 😘

(part one is here if you missed it)

“I gotta say, I’ve been threatened with plenty of violence over the last couple weeks, but you’re the first one who’s actually hit first and asked questions later.” Gareth huffs out a sharp, angry sigh. “You gonna give me ‘the talk’, now, too? ‘Cause believe me, there’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already heard from Eddie and Chief Hopper and my sister and Max and Dustin… you’ve already demonstrated remarkably well that if I break her heart you’ll break some other part of my body. I wish I knew why everyone’s already expecting me to break her heart though.”

Steve remembers all too well how it felt to be the guy who nobody thought deserved to be with the amazing girl.

Gareth gingerly prods at his nose. “Jesus, that hurts. Look, I’m gonna do everything I can to make sure I never break Janie’s heart. I know we’re both way too young and we don’t know anything about life or how the world works or any of that shit but I don’t care, man, I love her. If I ever broke her heart I would die before any of you could actually kill me.” He scoffs. “What am I telling you all this for? What would you know about it? You dated a different girl every month in high school. I’m not like you, man, I’m not used to actually getting the girl that I want. But now that I did there isn’t anything that would convince me to let her go. And if I screw things up I’ll go ask Janie to help me fix them without anyone needing to come in and kick my ass to make me, because that’s bullshit.”

It bursts out, filling the room, bouncing and reverberating off the cold echo of tile. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. It knocks the wind out of Steve, punching him in the gut just as hard as he’d punched Gareth in the face. Bullshit.

“I’m sorry,” Steve gasps. “I’m so sorry.”

Without waiting for a reply, he bolts.

*

He’s not crying, when Dustin and Max find him shivering outside the club’s back door. He is definitively and categorically not crying. He’s just getting some fresh air after a heavy conversation stirred up some bad memories. There’s nothing wrong with fresh crisp night air. Maybe the cold is making his eyes water a little, but that’s all. That’s all it is.

“Finally! We’ve been looking all over for you,” Dustin shouts, rushing to his side, and there— at last— there’s the hug he’s been waiting for. And if he muffles a few soft sobs in Dustin’s curly hair, well, nobody else has to know that.

“Steve,” Max says gently, “I never thought I’d find myself actually quoting Eddie, but… what the actual fuck, dude. What happened to you in there?”

“I don’t know,” he groans. “I don’t know! It’s like I’m not back to my own mind yet, I’m still in Parent Pleasing Mode. I acted like they would’ve, and I hate it. I hate them.”

“If you hate them so much, why’d you even bother going to all those boring parties and doing all that stupid stuff they wanted you to do?” Dustin inquires, and it’s not an unreasonable question, but the answer only makes sense to a few people in a certain way. Max looks like she understands, though Steve wishes she didn’t have to.

“It’s the only way I can get them to notice me at all,” he explains miserably, feeling incredibly foolish. “They didn’t come home because they missed me or wanted to see me. They came home because they needed something from me. And if I gave it to them, then at least for a little while, I wasn’t a disappointment to them.”

He can’t pretend he isn’t crying anymore. “But once they got what they needed they went ahead and left me anyway. They’re always leaving me behind. Everybody leaves me behind.” He hiccups, loud and embarrassing like a little kid, but he can’t even bring himself to care. “Nancy left me behind. Robin’s gonna be leaving me soon too, she might be transferring to University of Illinois Chicago starting in January instead of waiting til next fall. Even you guys are starting to leave me behind. I clearly have no idea what’s going on in your lives anymore, and why would I need to? You’ve got Eddie for that now. A cool big brother is much more fun than an uptight babysitter.” He hiccups again.

“Steve, don’t be ridiculous,” Dustin immediately protests. “Just because we hang out with Eddie doesn’t mean we forgot about you. You’re still my best friend! I’ll always need you around.”

“Since Robin’s inside, I’ll call you ‘dingus’ for her,” Max adds. “We love you, you big dingus. We can love both you and Eddie too, you know, you don’t have to be jealous of him.”

“I’m not!” Steve bursts out. “At least, I didn’t used to be. Maybe I am. When he first started hanging out with you guys and we were getting to be friends, I kinda thought, wow this guy’s as lost as I am. I thought it might be kinda cool if we could help each other figure life out. But he went ahead and got his life together without me, he found a job he loves and… he knows exactly where he’s going and I’m still just stuck at stupid Family Video. All of you guys know where you’re going and I feel like I never did. Except when I was with Nancy.”

“Nancy broke up with Jonathan,” Dustin (un)helpfully supplies.

“But she’d never in a million years come back to me. And she shouldn’t, y’know? I made everything in our relationship all about me. I didn’t look out for her the way I should’ve. Gareth already takes better care of El than I ever did of Nancy, and I punched him in the face for it. And I don’t know why I did that! I didn’t think I was that kind of guy, but maybe I am. I don’t know who I am. Maybe I never did.” He’s sobbing again, not even trying to hide it, and Max and Dustin are both holding him now, trying to soothe him, but he can’t calm down. “I don’t know who I am or what I want, and everyone else does, and you’re all gonna end up leaving me here alone.”

“Steve,” Dustin squeaks out, his voice hoarse since he’s begun to cry, too. “You’re my best friend. You’ll always be my best friend. I could never forget about you. None of us will ever leave you alone.”

“No way,” Max agrees. “And we love you for who you are, not what your job is or whatever college you might or might not get into. We love you because you’re our friend, you protect us and take care of us and even though you grump about being our babysitter you’re always here for all of us, no matter what. None of us could’ve survived the last few years without you. Not even Nancy. You looked after all of us, and you never left any of us behind, so how could we leave you?”

“We never could. We’d never want to.” Dustin sniffles. “You took me in when I didn’t have anybody else. You looked out for me and gave me advice and tried to help me make good decisions. And you listened to me, at a time when nobody else was. You made me feel like I was still important. I wanna do the same thing for you now, because you’re still one of the most important people in my life and you always will be.”

Steve, wrapped up warm in the middle of a tight squishy group hug— Dustin’s specialty— finally manages to get control of his tears again. He doesn’t feel cold or aloof anymore; he feels cozy and safe and, for the first time in a very long time, like it’s okay to simply be what he is in this moment. He draws in a deep breath, which he can’t remember the last time he was actually able to do.

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

[elly99]

us without me III: ice cream

A story series from the perspective of Mia (fem!Reader/OC) as she goes through her memories and recounts falling in love with her best friend in high school, Minji. She suffers in silence until she breaks and it all comes crashing down.

Part 3 of 7. Check here for more details. Reading previous parts for context is encouraged. CW for language.

There she was again, waiting for you after class, holding her hand out for you to take. Something in the January air has you wrapping your arms around her instead.

And it felt so good. So why did it have to hurt so much?

“Did you miss me or something?” She smiles, slightly surprised.

“You just looked cold waiting for me out here.”

“You should’ve come out faster, then,” she says teasingly.

“Sorry. Just wait for me inside next time.”

“But this is always our meeting spot.” She looks ahead and starts walking. “And if I do get cold I can just ask you for a hug. You’re always really warm. I’ll be fine.”

She looks back at you, her hair waving in the gentle wind as she does so. The conflict you were feeling must have been apparent from your expression because she stops.

“What’s wrong, Mimi?” The sudden burst of concern in her tone and on her face was heartbreaking.

“Hmm? Nothing!” you lie.

“I’m not falling for that. I always know when something’s up. I’m your best friend, remember?”

Of course you remember. It was a fact too beautiful and painful to forget.

“Sorry,” you say as you catch up to her. “I don’t know. I’m just feeling sad for some reason.”

But the reason was staring you straight in the face. Or rather looking at you with soft eyes like you meant the world to her.

“I have days like that, too.” She takes your hand and gingerly pulls you along as she starts walking again. “It might be because the school year’s almost over. It always feels a little melancholic.”

“I guess.”

“You wanna go to the mall after we get home? Let’s get some ice cream. My treat! It might help you feel better,” she offers sweetly.

At the sound of her kind words you let your guard down for the first time in a while and shed a tear in front of her.

“Mia…” She immediately stops and pulls you into her embrace.

How ironic that the girl who was putting you through so much pain was also the only one that could make you feel better.

“Mia, I love you. I’m here. You’re ok,” she says in a whisper, her hands rubbing your back.

Oh, the irony.

“Let’s just sit here for a while,” she gestures to a nearby bench. When you’re both seated she wraps her arm around your shoulder then leans her head against yours. Even through layers of padding you could feel her warmth. Even with your face in your hands you could smell her hair. It was comforting in the most bittersweet way.

“How was Korean today?” she asks, trying to lighten the mood.

“Same as always. I’m getting better, I guess.”

“역시,” she says, lifting her head back up to give you an encouraging smile. “I keep telling you, bro. You’re amazing.”

“No, you’re amazing, Min. Thank you…”

“Want another hug?”

You nod with a smile, knowing that it would still hurt.

“Hey, you do know why I wait for you outside, right?” She leans back against you.

“Cuz you’re insane,” you say, finally laughing a little.

“Don’t you remember? That’s where you were standing on your first day, looking completely lost.”

She wipes the last tears from your cheeks and laughs in return.

“It’s where I first met you.”

-

The chill of the winter air evaporates as you walk through the mall doors. It was full. Families enjoying the nascent hours of the weekend. Lovers making up for lost time. Then there was you. Pining for your best friend.

“You know, there’s something I’ve been wanting to buy for a while. Now that we’re here, we might as well get it.”

“Ice cream?”

“I mean, yeah, but apart from that.”

“What is it, then?”

“Something for us. Since next year is our last year and we’re almost at the end of this one, I wanted to get something special.”

“Ugh, stop being so cryptic, Min.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means…” You start laughing. “Just tell me what you want to buy!”

“I wanna get rings for us.”

And just like that, you’re not laughing anymore.

“Like, couple rings?”

“Yeah! I think it’ll be cute.”

Not everything that’s cute is good for you.

“You don’t seem too excited.” The way she frowns feels like a ton of bricks weighing down your chest. “I don’t wanna get them if you don’t want them.”

“I do want them, Min!”

That was a lie. You knew it wouldn’t be good for you. It would only make your delusions worse. But you couldn’t stand to see her unhappy. So you lie again.

“I was just worried they’d be too expensive.”

Her smile slowly returns. “Oh, don’t worry! I’ve been saving up for them.”

And your fake smile slowly fades. “Really? Minji… I…”

“Don’t act so surprised, bro. You keep pretending like we’re not best friends.”

God, if she only knew.

“I already looked up the store in advance. Just follow me.”

There was no place you wouldn’t follow her. Even if she was taking you straight to hell.

-

“These are cute! I can take this one and you take that one. Exchange our favorite colors. 어때?”

“I love them, Min.”

I love you.

“Alright, I’ll go pay for them. I’ll be right back!”

I really fucking love you.

You watch her as she practically skips all the way to the cashier. And on her way back you swear she’d never smiled more brightly before.

“I hope you really like it, Mimi,” she says as she hands you the blue ring that matched her white one.

There was no point trying to suppress your feelings now. You let yourself savor the moment as you put it on. In your mind you let yourself call her yours, even if she would never be. The ring was all you needed to play pretend.

“I do. It’s beautiful. Thank you so much, Min,” you say, smiling.

But you couldn’t meet her eyes. Instead you stare into those of the puppy on her top. You saw something of her in them. A puppy too innocent to know what she was doing to the girl she cared about the most. And you saw something of yourself, too. In the way its eyes seemed to be on the verge of tears.

At the ice cream shop she gets her usual chocolate and buys vanilla for you. You didn’t ever have to ask. She always knew what you wanted. Almost always.

“Thanks for helping me feel better today, Min. This really means a lot,” you say, weakly raising your fist to show her the ring around your finger.

Casual as ever, she winks and silently mouths, “사랑해.”

And you really did feel better. Or at least that’s what you wanted to believe. In between bites you catch her slipping her jacket off her shoulder. She knew how much it killed you. How much it made you want her. Or at least that’s what you wanted to believe. You wanted to believe that every single one of her actions was deliberate rather than oblivious. It hurt less to think she was just cruel. It hurt more knowing that wasn’t true.

You look down at your new ring as she finishes her ice cream with a smile.

[best-jimmy-buffett-song]

Round 2 Schedule and BONUS CHRISTMAS ROUND!

Hello everyone! Round 1 has wrapped up, and we will be entering Round 2 soon! But first, since it's December and not a single Christmas Island song was nominated for this tournament... WE'RE DOIN A BONUS CHRISTMAS ROUND FOR DECEMBER!

So basically, the songs from Christmas Island and Tis the SeaSon will be going up against each other so we can find out what the best Jimmy Buffett Christmas song is! I randomized the matchups yet again (except for Mele Kalikimaka, the two versions from each album will be going up against each other) and the final matchup should wrap up on Christmas, so afterwards we'll proceed with Round 2 of our regular tournament. :)

Below is the matchups for the Christmas bonus round starting 11/27/23, as well as the schedule for Round 2, which will start in January.

We will also be doing a tiebreaker for Livingston's Gone To Texas and Schoolboy Heart this week!

In the meantime, spread the word! And enjoy!

@tournament-announcer @dailyjimmybuffett

BONUS CHRISTMAS ROUND SCHEDULE:

Round 1 (Starting 11/27/23)

Mele Kalikimaka (Christmas Island) vs Mele Kalikimaka (Tis the SeaSon)

A Sailor's Christmas vs White Christmas

Baby It's Cold outside vs Jingle Bells

Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer vs Drivin' the Pig (Manejando el Cerdo)

Wonderful Christmastime vs Run Rudolph Run

Up On The Housetop vs Santa Stole Thanksgiving

Christmas Island vs Merry Christmas, Alabama (Never Far From Home)

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth vs Winter Wonderland

Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree vs What I Didn't Get For Christmas

I'll Be Home For Christmas vs Twelve Days of Christmas (Parrothead Version)

Ho Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Rum vs Jingle Bell Rock

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) vs Christmas In The Caribbean

Round 2 (starting 12/4/23)

TBD vs TBD

TBD vs TBD

TBD vs TBD

TBD vs TBD

TBD vs TBD

TBD vs TBD

Round 3 (starting 12/11/23)

TBD vs TBD

TBD vs TBD

TBD vs TBD

FINALE (starting 12/18/23)

TBD vs TBD vs TBD

Regular Tournament ROUND 2 (starting January!)

Group A:

Peanut Butter Conspiracy vs Beach House On The Moon

Come To The Moon vs I Wish Lunch Could Last Forever

Manana vs Cheeseburger in Paradise

Treat her Like a Lady vs Son of a Son of a Sailor

Brown Eyed Girl vs Little Miss Magic

Changes in Latitudes vs Coast of Marseilles

Life Is Just a Tire Swing vs Havana Daydreaming

Boat Drinks vs Stranded On a Sandbar

Group B:

Grapefruit Juicy Fruit vs The City

I Will Play For Gumbo vs Twelve Volt Man

Lucky Stars vs Frenchman For The Night

Lovely Cruise vs Banana Republics

He Went to Paris vs Tonight I Just Need My Guitar

Stars Fell On Alabama vs Growing Older But Not Up

Fin vs False Echoes

Southern Cross vs Margaritaville

Group C:

Only Time Will Tell vs Changing Channels

Coconut Telegraph vs The Weather Is Here

Burn That Bridge vs Coast of Carolina

Desdemona's Building A Rocket Ship vs Flesh and Bone

We Are The People Our Parents Warned Us About vs Fruitcakes

Bring Back The Magic vs Pirate Looks At 40

Knee Deep vs Sail On Sailor

Great Heart vs Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move on.

Group D:

Last Mango In Paris vs Six String Music

Come Monday vs Jolly Mon Sing

I Don't Know And I Don't Care vs Wonder Why We Ever Go Home

Take It Back vs Caribbean Amphibian

TBD

Wings vs Happily Ever After (Every Now and Then)

The Captain and the Kid vs Vampires, Mummies, and the Holy Ghost

Death of an Unpopular Poet vs Railroad Lady

[bookishjules]

18, 12, 22!

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year

while i was working as a barista toward the beginning of the year, i had a coworker who i got on really well with. she's nice and fun and respected the systems i needed to work efficiently hehe i started introducing her to pjo by bringing the books in one by one for her, but when i quit she still wasn't done with the series, which was good because it kept up hanging out regularly to swap books. we got piercings together in august, auditioned for the play we're now both in together (and proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced afterward while having some of the best conversations). she started writing poetry again because i shared some of mine with her. i stopped by her apt randomly one night when i was in her area and just wanted a friend to talk to and she not only let me in, but was happy i stopped by--her husband too. oh yeah and i love her husband and he's a big fan of me and my friendship with his wife bc apparently we were both needing someone like each other this year <3

18. A memorable meal this year?

omg the diner in canada for sure. this was when i was driving back from detroit with a stranger bc we both had flown one leg of a flight before apparently the weather and spirit airlines made it impossible for us to get on the second leg until like 48 hours later. and this girl was 19 and ready for an adventure, so we drove across the river into canada without passports just to go to this burger place bc google said they had vegan burgers for me. while we were sitting there eating, we made friends with this rowdy group of 35-45yos who apparently went to this diner together all the time. they were very drunk and very fascinated by the fact that we were from the states. they were like.. why are you here?? but they were really fun and the burger was yummy and my new friend and i thought it was hilarious. if we hadn't had to get back on our treck to nyc, we probably would have stayed with them and ordered some drinks ourselves haha

22. Favorite place you visited this year?

when my brother came into town in january, i finally got to visit the top of the empire state building!! and while it isn't as high, or have as good of views, as the top of the rock, it still felt momentous. like we were right under olympus!!! 12yo me would have lost her shit hehe it was fucking cold tho. the wind that day was brutal.

end of the year ask game <3

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, January 1, 2004

Being that it was my favorite holiday of the year, I only wrote one paragraph in my current story tonight. I watched the ball go down in Times Square as usual. How I wished I could be there just for the countdown, then be right back here a minute or two after the New Year, since I hate crowds. Anyway, I do love New Year’s Eve. I guess because it’s just so informal and it’s non-religious. Plus, as I said before, it was the only time I was “free” as a kid and got to stay up really late. Also, the start of a new year, especially when the previous one was rather shitty, was a time for hope, even if it was usually false.

Just when I was amazed at how quiet it was with no music or gunshots, I heard music for a couple of minutes right after midnight, but of course, to me, the real New Year begins at Eastern time.

It’s hard to believe I’ve been friends with Paula for nearly 20 years, even if we lost touch a couple of times over the years, and even if she’s not exactly what I’d describe as a true friend, in a sense. With all my other long-term “friends,” either I dumped them or they dumped me. It’s life, I guess.

I don’t have any significant vibes for ’04 other than that it’s to be a year of change. This is more of an obvious, common sense thing, though, then a psychic thing. We do, after all, plan to move so we can stop struggling. I’m going to miss this big beautiful modern house, though!

I packed more of my dolls away. I only have 7 that aren’t packed yet. All that’s out is Joy, Jade, Bailey, Colette, Patrice, Ciara and Chris, who’ll get thrown in the moving bin loose because she’s so big and she’s vinyl. Of course, soon Haiku will join the crew! I’m going to be smart enough to save her box too, so I can put her back in it when we move. I’ll miss the ones that are packed till whenever we do move, which I’m almost positive will be this year, but I’ll just appreciate them all the more after not seeing them for a while. I’m also going to appreciate how much easier dusting is till we do move, too!

It’s in the low 50s now. The cloud coverage is keeping it from getting too cold.

Tom went to Walgreens' site and found an appetite suppressant that might be suitable for me for $20. There are 90 pills and you take 2 before each meal. I hope it works as well as Trimlife. Trimlife has not only suppressed my appetite, but it did a good job of conditioning me so that I could skip days and still not be hungry all the time.

Tom said a report he read says it’s all genetics. I think genetics is part of it, but the bulk of it is age. Why else would 80% of those under 30 be thin while 80% of those over it aren’t? I think it’s 60% age, 20% diet/exercise and 20% genetics.

Tom likes my medical romance story so far. I didn’t think he would. Like I said, I just couldn’t seem to go anywhere with it.

My next story’s going to be really weird. It’s the one where I’ll take Tom’s advice and blow real-life events I’ve experienced out of proportion or into pure BS. I can’t include Tom in it, though, as he’s “too real.” I’m talking about things like the pictures I communicated with for really coming to life, the rats being even smarter than they actually are, Teddy Bear and I getting it on and not just liking each other and thinking about it.

Later…

What on earth possessed me to need 13 hours of sleep is beyond me, but it was fun nonetheless, as one of the many dreams I had brought me a new story idea. In the dream, I was single and in a college dorm. The “dorm” was just a regular house with something like 5 other girls in it. Well, Kate was one of them, but Kate wasn’t Kate. Meaning, she was just a regular person and not a famous actress. I don’t know what she and I were studying, but it gave me the idea of having us be in a dorm where we get to like each other, and maybe throw in a few murders here and there for added excitement that we solve, too.

I’m back to where I started at 130 pounds. At least I’m not in the 140s like I feared I’d be by now. I guess that’s because I did watch what I ate at least some of the time over the last couple of weeks, I did exercise like every other day and I’m regular as well. Regularity will help tremendously with the diet. If I don’t get under 127 with this diet and exercise regimen, then it is a medical problem or a curse.

Trying to rig yesterday’s two non-scratch tickets was a bust so I think I’ll just stick to the scratchers. I know I’ll eventually win us a large sum of money. Perhaps not millions, but probably thousands. As Tom said, though, it happens whenever it happens. It’s ok if it takes me a decade. Good things are worth waiting for. Meanwhile, I also want to keep concentrating on non-money and non-material things as well like keeping off the inhalers and maybe stopping my periods. My period’s due tomorrow and I’m rarely late. Sometimes I’m early, but I’m almost never late and if I am, it’s only by a day or two.

Later…

I was just playing with Brownie. I really like this rat a lot and am glad that if one of the newcomers had to go it wasn’t him. He’s both dry and mellow. Meanwhile, I’m handling Little Fella less and less as I’m sick of the constant pissing. Every time I go to pick him up he’s wet and it just gets old.

I’m thinking up more and more ideas for the dream-inspired story. Instead of it being known from the get-go who the bad guy is, perhaps I’ll make this one more of a whodunit story. I just wish I could get paid for my work! That’s okay, though. I’ll just have to win us thousands of dollars. Besides, writing is fun no matter what.

Later…

I decided to cut my walk to 3 15-minute walks, rather than do an hour’s worth of walking. The other 15 minutes are going to be spent using the exercise ball and dumbbells, so it’ll come to a total of one hour anyway.

I also decided to stop backing stuff up on floppies since I have two hard drives. I condensed my files a bit, too.

Friday, January 2, 2004

Because I slept so long yesterday, I only slept 5 hours last night.

I did one of my walks already and managed to get half a mile in just over 8 minutes.

Again we saw a worker walk onto the land in front of us. They appeared to be searching for property markers. I still get the feeling that whoever bought the lot across from next door has bought the one in front of us too, but it doesn’t really matter anymore since we’ll be gone soon enough. Another reason I think this is because of what I don’t see. I don’t “see” anything outside. No changes of any kind or additions like more plants, fences, porches, etc.

Got two things in the mail I’d forgotten all about or assumed I wasn’t going to get. First was the Black Sandalwood incense sample I requested right before I decided to make my first order. I was surprised to get 3 sticks, too! It actually wasn’t half bad. I didn’t think I’d like it because I didn’t like their plain sandalwood or Walmart sandalwood, but it was ok. Not good enough to buy, but not bad enough to sic on Paula and toss in her box.

Meanwhile, my giant order was actually shipped on the 31st, so it’ll be here on the 5th as I originally guessed. It could come tomorrow, but I hope not as that’d be quite frustrating since you can’t pick up packages on Saturdays.

The other thing I got was the Cosmetique intro pack which is all going to Paula except for the Love Story perfume which is quite nice. Other than that, the eyeshadow was too dark, the nail polish too dull, the mascara was cheap shit, and the lipstick was like peanut butter.

I’m really glad I got that Dove shampoo sample. It’s just as good as Physique but at a fraction of the cost.

Later…

I was walking while Tom had the TV on. The man has the shittiest taste in shows! He was watching this series with macho men building motorcycles. Macho cocks like that only fuel my fury and make my blood boil. Unlike most people who find them intimidating, they only make me feel all the more challenged and determined to hold my ground and take them down a peg or two. Or at least try my damndest to do so. I’ve warned Deanna and Nancy-type characters about that, letting them know that sooner or later they’re going to egg on and challenge the wrong person that’s going to really give them the ultimate surprise of their lives, but they don’t get it. These people think they’re invincible till they actually are beaten down.

Anyway, although I’m not as stressed out over the unknown as I was earlier, I still wish we could just hurry up and get on with whatever’s destined for us, so to speak. If we’re as meant to move as I think we are, it’s like, let’s just get it over with already! But there’s a time and a place for everything. I truly believe that. It makes sense, for example, for Mary and I to have met when we did, seeing that we were meant to be friends. It would’ve been really hard for me to be friends with her had we met a decade or so ago. Not that I’d personally blame her, of course, but with her pregnant at just 15 years of age, being around her would’ve only made me feel even more singled out and cursed by God. I’d have been like, hey this isn’t fair! Why is it that a teenager with a shitty life and an abusive guy - which she fully admits was the case back then - gets to have a kid while me and my husband, who are stable, if not as close to it as we can get, are denied that right? Again, though, I would never have blamed her for her own destiny which God planned out for her just like he does with us all. It was never her fault she grew up with abusive people setting poor examples for her, telling her things like abortion is wrong when in fact it’s not or else God would never have allowed us to figure out how to do such a procedure (besides, it’s her life/body), and telling her things are right that aren’t right. It’s like the poor girl was brainwashed! I would’ve felt just as bad for her then as I do now. I try to encourage her to have a mind of her own, so to speak, and not let others tell her what’s right or wrong, because what’s right for one person may not be right for someone else. You just can’t put everybody in one big group. I’m sure she knows this, though. She’s as big on individuality as I am and avoiding those we dislike rather than trying to change them.

Speaking of destiny, I know damn well I’m never going to get more than a few pounds off (especially if genetics are as much a part of it as they say it is), so I’ve cut my walk to a half-hour a day, plus my toning exercises. I’m not going to put myself out like crazy over 3 lousy pounds which is all I can lose.

I’m still inhaler-free, but I do have waves of tightness and probably always will. I don’t know, I guess God never felt I was worthy of a decent pair of lungs.

Saturday, January 3, 2004

Why oh why do I work so hard for so little? All this effort just to lose 3 measly pounds! Still, it’s good to do it to keep in shape, even if it’s boring and I’ll always be fat. I’ve been breaking it up to keep me from getting so bored that I throw in the towel. I walk for 5 minutes, then I run and play a computer game, and I go back and forth till I’ve walked 30 minutes. Since it takes a few minutes for my heart to slow down after each walking segment, it’s actually elevated for a total of 48 minutes, excluding when I work with the ball and dumbbells. Once again, if this doesn’t drop me under 127, nothing will and it will be a case of genetics, age, thyroid, diabetes or a curse for damn sure.

It’s been a week now without inhalers! It’s hard to believe I could suddenly have the power to do this after needing inhalers on and off, though mostly on since I was 8 years old.

10/27/87 – began journals. 3/24/89 – moved back to Woodside Terr. 12/10/89 – had 1-nighter with Diana. 12/28/89 – met Kacey. 7/1/90 – met Brenda. 1/7/91 – met Kim. 4/4/91 – moved to S Dfld. 6/17/91 - met Bob. 1/4/92 – met Anne Marie. 2/8/92 – moved to Norwich. 6/9/92 – moved to Phoenix. 1/6/93 – danced for 8 mos. 4/4/93 – moved to Crystal Creek. 4/9/93 – met Tom. 5/8/93 – 1-nighter with Julia. 9/1/93 – moved in with Tom. 12/5/93 – reunited with Larry. 6/15/94 – married. 12/6/94 – 1st ear canal operation. 5/21/95 – 2nd ear canal operation. 9/20/95 – next door Mormons move. 2/23/96 – black welfare bums arrive. 7/25/96 – Tom’s dad dies. 1/16/97 – Larry Jr. dies. 5/8/97 – last visit with parents. 10/4/97 – quit smoking. 1/8/98 – got into mice. 3/10/98 – upper braces put on. 7/22/98 – got into rats. 7/24/98 – done with parents/Larry. 10/6/98 – begin doll collecting. 12/8/98 – lower braces put on. 4/4/99 – blacks move. 6/1/99 – Mexicans arrive. 7/1/99 – done with Tammy. 8/23/99 – both braces come off. 9/24/99 – we leave Phoenix. 1/4/2000 – move into Maricopa house. 1/5/2000 – pig shows up with BS story. 1/6/2000 – pig kidnaps me for interrogation. 7/17/2000 – 17 hours in Florence. 8/2/2000 – arraigned. 9/7/2000 – court. 10/30/2000 – sentence begins. 1/1/2001 – met Mary. 4/29/2001 – released. 5/7/2001 – meet with Scott. 5/29/2001 – Dan moves. 9/2/2001 – 3rd rental arrives. 9/24/2001 – permanent retainers put in. 2/20/2002 – renters arrive. 3/9/2003 – new house a mile in front. 4/30/2003 – off probation. 5/6/2003 – got 3 houseplants. 6/3/2003 – Tom fired. 6/25/2003 – 1st house in front of next door arrives. 8/11/2003 – Tom begins work with Nissan. 10/5/2003 – haircut. 10/17/2003 – 2nd house in front of next door arrives. 11/21/2003 – Tom quits Nissan. 12/3/2003 – got ratty rat Brownie. 12/28/2003 – quit inhalers.

Monday, January 5, 2004

I copied the above dates/events from my desktop calendar. It doesn’t cover all the major or important events in my life, but it covers a lot of them.

Yesterday I got up at 5 PM and was able to take a Benadryl and get myself to sleep from 3:30 AM-9:30 AM so I could be up when Tom returned from the PO which was supposed to be with my incense. Sure enough, though, it wasn’t there. Tom says he’s 99% sure it’ll come tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll be up when he gets home with it and I don’t care anymore either. I get it when I get it. Just so long as I do get it and it wasn’t misdelivered! As tired as I was when I got up, I managed to clean and work out before falling asleep from 1 PM-6 PM.

Ever since I quit the inhalers, I’ve had this mysterious circular rash on my forearm. I keep putting hydrocortisone on it, but it doesn’t seem to want to go away. If this is going to be my only form of compensation, though, for getting off the inhalers, it sure beats the problem I traded in my cigarettes for!

Within the next week, I should know if I can get below 127. Those who think it’s mostly diet and exercise say I can and those who say it’s age and genetics say I can’t and that I’m just wasting my time.

The big leaf plant has a new shoot coming up on each of its two sections, so that’s cool.

Tom’s getting ready to sell coins and baseball cards on eBay and says there’ll be no problem getting them sold.

Another thing that seems to be magically cured is my ability to tolerate roughage without getting tons of gas. I had a huge salad the other day with just a touch of light mayo so I could snack without lots of calories and never once did I get all gassed out. Thinking it might be just an odd coincidence, I had another one and was still okay afterward.

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

Today hasn’t been a good day for either of us. First, he went to the PO and again the incense as well as the check wasn’t there. Then he got hung up in construction and stuck behind a house they were hauling to wherever, so by the time he got to Casa Grande he was in such a bad mood that all he did was the grocery shopping. Meanwhile, he’ll try again tomorrow to go to the temp agencies but has been putting in applications online regularly.

He’s still sure I’ll get the incense and that they didn’t give it away to someone else. I hope so! Why is it, though, that the more I look forward to a package I’m expecting, the more delays there are? I’m no doubt going to have to fight like hell to get Haiku here! Tomorrow, assuming I don’t get the incense, I’ll email them about it. They’ll either have to make up another order or refund our money. If I get a second order made up, though, I’m going to have them use UPS.

Tom also thinks it could’ve gotten delayed because it smells good, saying that postal workers often set things aside for a day or two like pretty or funny postcards, and because of how good this package no doubt smells, they could’ve very well left it out for the day. Yeah, well I’d kind of like to smell it now, too. I’m the one that paid for the fucking thing in the first place. Another classic example of someone getting something good from me at my expense. I asked him if they’d steal it and he said that’d be very hard for them to do with all the cameras they’ve got going.

In just 5 days, I’ve won a total of 50 Memolink lotto points!

He took his Slingo winnings and bought a heartbeat monitor. You do the math to determine your target heartbeat, then you wear this thing around you just below the breastbone along with a special wristwatch and that way you can monitor your heart throughout your workout.

I am so, so fed up with these hopeless diets! I am so, so ready to just eat normally and let myself gain whatever I’m destined to gain. I don’t know if that’ll be 20 more pounds, 50 or 100, but I’m so sick of doing all this work for nothing. I’m sick of being hungry most of the time just to never lose weight. I’ll keep fit by continuing on with the exercising, but from now on I need to have the standard 2000 calories a day. I can’t take this 1000-1500-calorie bullshit anymore. I’m sick of the confusion and conflicting reports on what to eat, how much of each thing, as well as the contradictory statements about exercise. Half the reports say you can break up your daily exercise routine and the results will still be the same. Then you got others saying, no, it has to be 20-60 minutes of continual exercise, and I’m just sick to death of it! If I go gaining a ton of weight from eating reasonably, then I was simply meant to gain it in the first place and there’s no use in forever trying to avoid the inevitable and continuing to drive myself crazy over something that can’t be helped anyway. If I don’t spend my time driving myself crazy by trying to change my height, then why should I with the weight? It’s the same losing battle. I should just let my body be itself for once. Besides, not many people would be so apt to threaten a 200-pound person. Some might, though, because people are stupid and they tend to feel more intimidated by height rather than weight.

I thought of maintaining my weight through starvation, but again, that’s just no way to live. Sometimes the best way to deal with an ongoing problem you can’t solve is to stop trying to solve it and just let it be. It’ll work itself out the way it was meant to, even if it’s not exactly in the way we’d prefer.

I cured my need for inhalers and my stomach from gassing out after having veggies, but I cannot control my weight whatsoever. I can make the numbers go up, but try as I might, I sure as hell can’t make them go down. I can’t seem to control my rapidly deteriorating eyesight either.

Meanwhile, I’m going to finish up my current book and hope that the PO will let me have my package tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

I finally got my incense! They made one little boo-boo, though, by giving me two Cashmeres and omitting the Tea Rose, but it’s no biggie. They listed Muddy Waters on the invoice twice, but I don’t have two of them. They enclosed a wholesale catalog. Yes, I can go through them for supplies to make my own! We’re thinking of taking a 5-pack bag to the swap meet just to see if I can get a nickel or a dime’s profit on it. Anyway, they didn’t ship the stuff till the 3rd, so why they told me the 31st, I don’t know. It cost them $11 to ship it all! By the time I got it all unwrapped, I had nearly a garbage bag full of the newspaper they used to wrap them in. They wrap 3 bags in each bundle. We even got to check out the land deals they’ve got going in Idaho!

I also got a letter and drafts from Mary. Mary surprised me the same as Tom did by saying she likes Nocturnal Obsession the best, even though she admits it scared the pants off of her. Well, this next one that I’m currently proofreading is going to do the same! It’s a similar kind of story. I’m going to mail her both this story and the last one when I mail Paula’s package.

Anyway, what happens in my last book, Imprisoned Love, is that this girl Tiffany goes to jail for writing bad checks. She has two kids and their father’s a deadbeat dad. They all live with her parents. Tiffany meets Vicki, a guard who likes her. They have sex late at night when Tiffany’s out cleaning and everyone else is locked down in their cells. When Tiffany starts feeling uncomfortable around Vicki, who thinks she told others at the jail about their liaisons, she tries to break away but fails. Vicki threatens to have her framed if she doesn’t continue to let her have her way with her sexually. After 3 months, Tiffany’s released and Vicki shows up a while later and weasels her way back into Tiffany’s life. Meanwhile, Vicki kills Tiffany’s ex, best friend and father to punish her for getting her written up at work. When Tiffany realizes Vicki killed them, she then kills her, knowing the police, if they could prove Vicki’s guilt, wouldn’t do much to punish her as she’s one of their own.

My next book, College Romance, is the dream-inspired story of Katelyn and Ashley who live in the same house as they study art and criminal law. They fall in love in the midst of a series of murders that occur on campus, and later end up solving the case and discovering who the killer is.

Anyway, Mary said some chick traumatized her by spreading vicious rumors and telling her she’ll rot in hell and shit like that, so if all goes well, she should be getting pretty sick.

I was really glad to read how much she likes my stories. I don’t know if I can keep cranking them out like I have been forever, but they’re fun to write when I do get ideas, even if they’re not quite marketable and I won’t be getting paid for my work.

The book people said that 5 of the books I ordered are unavailable. I guess they sold right before I ordered them. Oh well. At least they do the work of gathering the books from the various stores around the country so I can save on shipping costs.

The constant whirring of the tractor at the new house gets old, but I’d rather that than the inevitable barking I’m going to have to deal with before we leave this place.

I was also a little bummed to hear them booming about up in the sky earlier. I had hoped they’d take more than a few weeks off. I also hope they don’t go making a regular habit of booming by like they did in December!

For just $15, we’re going to take advantage of an introductory coffee deal similar to the last one I tried, then we’ll cancel out after getting the intro shipment. I’m going to get 2 coffee samples (I chose mocha regular and hazelnut decaf), a programmable coffeemaker which I’ll try to sell, and 2 mugs.

Thursday, January 8, 2004

Just thought I’d jot down a few things while I sample the Nag Champa. This one’s boring, but not bad. Of the 35 or so I’ve sampled, there are 6 that are great and 5 that are going to Paula. The Vanilla Musk is heaven. Tom likes it, too. Again I’m surprised by some of them. I thought Lauren would have a nice feminine scent, but it’s got a weird scent that’s not all that great. Meanwhile, the Pear is way cool and I’ve never been into pears yet it’s got a really nice refreshing scent. They gypped me a stick in one bag and gave me extras in other bags. The Cut Grass smells so lemony that I wonder if they didn’t screw up and give me their Lemongrass instead.

They’re getting flight-happy on me again so I’m in a race to get back on days as they’re obviously going to keep at it for a while.

Tom brought up a rather unique idea. At first I told him he was crazy and to forget it, but it might have some potential if some of the negatives could be ironed out. He suggested we sell our furniture, and maybe even our computers too, and trade them in for laptops. Then we’ll store most of our stuff or get rid of it, then we’d live in an RV with a built-in generator. Then we’d buy about 3 small chunks of land in various states and get a cabin kit that we’d build for each place. The cabins are really small and would only take a couple of weekends to build. Between the RV and the cabin, we wouldn’t even have 1000 square feet of living space. Then we’d sell the places and build our “dream home” on a huge piece of land somewhere. They have these really cool circular house kits you can buy where everything’s precut. All you really need to do is bolt them together. You can get a basic kit for only around $15,000 and add as many rooms as you want to stem from the basic round great room. You can even get 2-story houses.

I definitely don’t like the idea of being cramped in a cabin and an RV for any length of time, but I like the variety we could have till we settle down somewhere, whereas if we move to wherever, we’re stuck there whether we like it or not. In the RV, however, if we get stuck with blacks, Hispanics or stormin’ Mormons who have to make their every move known to us, we can just get the hell out. Anyway, Tom’s checking into it further. We just want to make sure we explore each and every option available to us so we can make the right choice, or at least have a much better chance of doing so.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

I was playing around with and experimenting with the heart rate monitor. It seems my resting heart rate is about 88 and my active heart rate is 122.

Tom won another $15 on a Slingo ticket. I’ve been putting spells on them like crazy. So much so that he doesn’t like to cash in too many tickets at a time as it might look funny.

I’m still enjoying my incense. I have 40 favorites now. I studied their wholesale catalog and found that even if I don’t make my own, be it to sell or to use just for myself, I can buy 20-packs for $1, rather than $1.75. We’re still not sure if there’d be much of a savings if I made my own. The only way we’ll know is to try it.

We were laughing at the thought of playing a joke on Paula by sending her a scent she likes only to have it be a blank if I do end up making it. You can’t necessarily tell if the “punk” as they call them, is scented or not. If you just dip it in unscented cutting agent oil and skip the fragrance oil, you can really prank someone into thinking they’re losing their mind when they fail to smell a damn thing!

Some of them are similar. I mean, I don’t know what the difference is between Cherry and Black Cherry. Nor do I know the difference between Grape and Black Grape. If there’s any I don’t like, it’s usually because it either smells too soapy or of burnt plastic.

I asked Tom if they grow jasmine here and he said no. The reason I asked is that Andy used to insist it was the orange trees that smelled so good which I thought was rather strange, considering the fact that they didn’t smell anything like oranges. Neither did the Orange Blossom incense I got. In fact, it smelled more like raspberries. Then, when I lit the Jasmine, I not only thought it was wonderful, but that there was something familiar about it as well. After I thought about it a while I realized that that was the wonderful smell I’d smell back in Phoenix. It sure seems to be, anyway.

I read that Mojo’s said to keep away evil spirits. Well, I always thought that the foul odor was some kind of source of an evil entity. So, to find out if it was true or just a silly superstition, I lit some last night before the air came on which seems to circulate it, and could barely detect it.

I still can’t believe it’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve used the inhalers! And that I can prevent my tummy from gassing out when I have veggies! Maybe I can keep my stomach from reacting poorly to dairy foods like it always did. It’s a Jewish thing. It’s in our genetics like it is for blacks to have big lips and noses, not to mention be loud, rude and obnoxious.

Got about 40 draft pages from Mary so I’m working on those. I’ll get those out in Monday’s mail along with a letter to Paula to let her know her package should be sent out by the end of this month.

Later…

I’ve finished sampling. For the most part, I only had to have them lit for a minute or two in order to judge them. My top 50 favorites are African Queen, Angel, Baby Powder, Black Cherry, Black Henry, Black Magic, Black Narcissus, Black Pearl, Brown Sugar, Bump & Grind, Butter Rum, Cedar, Chocolate, Choctaws Mono, Cranberry, Escape, Fast Cash, Fruit, Grape, Hawaiian Garden, Hibiscus, Honey, Honey Almond, Honeysuckle, Hot Love, Hyacinth, Hyssop, Jasmine, Joe Blow, Jojoba, Joy, Licorice, Love, Mojo, Morning Mist, Opium, Pear, Puddy Cat, Pussy, Relaxation, Rose, Sexy, Sun Moon Star, Tunisian Honey, Vanilla Musk, Watermelon, Whisper, White Diamond, White Linen, & White Love.

I figured there’d be about 30 new favorites as well as 30 shitty ones and was pretty much right about that.

The last two tickets lost, so I did my spells on various things before bed like I usually do and what did we get for it? A $30 winner! So Tom used the money to sign up for this thing where you find people who are owed money. After a certain amount of time, you get your money back if you can’t find anyone who’s owed money. He thinks I’m a prime candidate from when I was on disability which wouldn’t surprise me with the way people like to rip me off.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Although I’m noticeably smaller in the lower gut, lower back, and outer thighs, I’m still a heavy 129 pounds. My measurements are a horrendous 38-30-38. Ridiculous for my height. Especially the waist. No one should have a 30” waist no matter what their height is, but oh well. It’s me and I am what I am and I’m not going to deprive myself when I get hungry. From now on I have 1500-2000 calories a day and if that’s too much for a middle-aged 5-footer – tough!

Using the heart rate monitor, I found that bouncing rigorously on the ball does get my heart rate up to my target heart rate zone, so I think I’ll alternate between that and walking. I’ll walk 3 days a week and I’ll bounce 3 days a week, but I’m only doing 20 minutes of each. If I could get results and lose weight from my workouts, then I’d do more, but as long as it’s going to do nothing more than just keep me fit and strong, then that’s all I’m going to do.

I considered another prank for Paula, then said, nah. It’s still a funny one to think of. I poured my KY into an empty rose lotion bottle because the flip-top cap of the bottle it came in broke. I don’t need the KY anymore what with the new tampons I switched to. Well, wouldn’t it just be oh so funny if she thought she was smearing rose lotion all over herself that was really KY? Ha, ha, ha! Mayonnaise would be best, though, because that’d look more like lotion. All the while she was smearing herself with Mayonnaise she’d be trying to figure out why the “jasmine” incense didn’t smell like anything at all.

Speaking of incense, I’m giving her the entire bag of those I don’t like at all and one stick of those I feel are boring and keeping the rest in an empty bag I marked “mixed.” If we have the money for it, her package should ship this week along with my last two stories for Mary. I’ll call and let her know it’s coming, then call back in a week.

I pretty much put the incense into 4 different groups. There’s the outstanding group, the good group, the boring group and the shitty group. I kept the boring ones because we still do get foul odors in here occasionally and I want to have something for when the good stuff runs out and I’m between orders. I still intend to try making my own and mixing and creating my own unique scents, too. But to sell it and get a decent cash flow from it? Uh-uh. God would never let me, though I thought of a clever name for it if we incorporate it into the site we’re setting up: Jodi’s ComIncense.

I decided not to trust Memolink any longer than necessary, so I went and requested the highest Walmart card I’m eligible for and that was the $15 one. It cost 2600 points and I’m at 3162. They “say” they’ll ship it to me in 12-16 weeks, but after not receiving 3 other certificates from various places, plus my $23 check from Netflip, I don’t want to accumulate any more points when it may very well be all for nothing.

I still worry that he’s not only not going to find a decent job, but that we’re going to end up stuck in an 800-square-foot dump on barely an acre of land with people/dogs much too close for my comfort. I still think we’re going to ultimately end up losing this house as much as we’re ready to give it up willingly to get out of the $1000 payments. I’ll miss this house so much, though! Especially when I’m trying to scrub the kitchen floor wherever we are with its pealing, grimy linoleum that I just can’t get the 30 years’ worth of dirt out of, and when I’m scrubbing the oven and missing the self-cleaning one here and having to defrost old freezers. I won’t even begin to mention all the leaks we’ll have to deal with and going back to washing dishes by hand!

Again I have to wonder – did I really get Teddy Bear fired and is that why God let Tom be fired? Did I really cause the black bitch to lose her house and is that why we’re going to lose ours even if we’re ready to go?

But why should I be punished for their mistakes if that’s the case? Shouldn’t they be held accountable for their own actions? God has always punished me for other people’s wrongdoings and protected them when they’ve trampled on me, so I don’t see why he’d stop now.

It’s now been two inhalerless weeks! I’m less tight, too. Makes me wonder if I was unknowingly causing my own tightness as well as congestion by using these inhalers which were supposed to help with that.

Now if only I could cure my allergies, make my uterus shrivel up and go away, refocus my vision, replenish my older skin’s moisture, tighten my skin and melt my fat! For an added touch I’d widen my lips and make them fuller. Oh, and why not add a normal ear on my left side while I’m at it, too?

I’m both surprised and not surprised when Mary wrote that Justin sought her out to marry him and have kids with him because she was naïve to the ways of the world. I’m not surprised he sought her out for being naive, but to have kids with him is a bit shocking. Especially when the sick cock’s always hated kids. In fact, I can’t believe Mary got 3 different guys to impregnate her! I say this because I’m far from the only one with a man who doesn’t want kids. Zillions of guys out there are anti-kid. All you hear from them is how they don’t want the responsibility, they don’t want the expense, they don’t want anything taking their woman’s attention from them that they feel they have to compete with, kids are for the women, etc. The only difference is that most guys don’t go to the extremes Tom has to keep their women from conceiving. Meaning, they still allow themselves to get off. I know Tom has always insisted he did want a kid and that he had no control over his problem, but still, women and men have always fought like crazy over the issue of having kids and they always will. Women and men really do have different tastes for the most part.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Today’s the day I finally saw in clear detail what was to come. So unless my visions are all wrong, we’re moving in April, but probably won’t get settled in till June which means we’ll probably have to rent someplace in Casa Grande just like we did in Scottsdale when we left Phoenix. We are moving to the other side of Casa Grande where the land is cheaper and there are fewer people because it’s even further away from Phoenix. We’ll have 10 or more acres and sell this house at $135,000. Tom will get a job in Casa Grande between now and February 10th (probably closer to late January), but I don’t know what it’ll be. I also don’t know how long we’ll be holed up in the single-wide shitbox we’re going to get, but that’s what we’ll have initially and we will generate our own electricity as Tom said we would. So we’ll be in a place like Dan’s old place. The shitbox or the land will cost $8,000, but I don’t know which one. I just see $8,000 somewhere and can only guess it’s connected to one of those two things.

Either way, right or wrong, I just wonder – is what’s going on and what’s coming in the future some kind of punishment, or are we being led to bigger and better things? I’m still angry that God allowed Tom to be fucked over at the bank and that we’re being forced out of this house and stripped of our free will to go when we choose to go, but I also know we’re both ready to go and give up the huge house payments as much as I’ll miss this house so much till we build our dream house! I was also never really impressed with this land and don’t like the way it’s building up. Speaking of that, I still wonder if God’s having us forced out now to prevent us from raking in the dough in 5-10 years. If that’s the case, then it may seem logical enough to assume we’ll never have money. Not serious money anyway. God can prevent people from making donations to our site and he can stop them from buying any incense I may make, but he can’t stop us from trying! So I kind of have this love/hate relationship with God. I hate it when he has people turn our lives upside down like he has, but I love the fact that he blessed me with the ability to see ahead in times of doubt and apprehension. The unknown can be rather stressful, but now that I have a sense of what’s coming, it makes it easier even if I always knew we’d survive somehow.

Tom checked online to see what it’d cost to send Paula the package I put together for her and was shocked to learn it’d be $27! I said no way and then I decided to take Tom’s suggestion and break it up into smaller packages that’d be a few bucks each. There’ll be 4, one with the CDs and the others with the incense. That way we’ll keep the packages around a pound or two. After this, I’ve got to stop being so giving and worry more about us. I can’t keep losing and putting myself out to those who won’t give me shit in return and I don’t give a damn how selfish others perceive me to be. All I asked her for was a measly $10 and I can’t even get that. Even without her accident money, the bitch gets $1250 a month and has C8, but no, she’d rather spend it on her abusive cock! Anyway, she won’t be hearing from me as much anymore. You give, you get taken advantage of. That’s all I know. I never should’ve told her we can burn our own CDs, but that’s okay because I know how to say no, so if she ever asks for more, the answer’s no unless she wants to pay for them. She’s gotten enough freebies at my expense.

It’s been warmer lately. Yesterday the heat didn’t come on till 6:30 AM.

I now have just 585 Memolink points. I hope they send the certificate!

Webshots had this really cool picture of Mars this thing called the Spirit Rover took that just landed on it the other day. The picture of vast expanses of rocky dirt looks like it could be a place on Earth.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Why do people always have to die on my time? Someone always dies who knew someone who’s doing a job of some kind for me or for us, not that I don’t sympathize with Ricki. I decided to email her to ask how Haiku’s coming along, knowing how cursed I am with getting dolls to me. I knew there had to be some other delay and that things could be running that smoothly. Sure enough, she replied from Chicago saying her mother-in-law died and that it would set Haiku back a bit, and that she’d be in touch when she returned to North Carolina. She said Haiku should be shipped the week after next which is when I was expecting or at least hoping she’d be shipped so maybe there won’t be another delay. Not until the UPS truck breaks down anyway.

I decided I’d be okay with selling Ciara, my big 38” doll. If I can’t sell her I’ll at least keep her gown. Tom’s going to look into consignment shops which may be a better place to try to sell dolls.

Tom now has some coins and some baseball cards up for sale on eBay. He’s positive they’ll sell, saying that’s the kind of thing that sells successfully on eBay, versus porcelain dolls.

When I glanced out the bedroom window yesterday afternoon, I was delighted to see 4 p-dogs! Yes, they’re up now for the year. I gave them some old bread and lettuce.

Although I miss woods and oceans, I’m kind of glad we’ll be staying in Arizona. I mean, yes, the laws make me a bit uncomfortable, and yes, it makes me uncomfortable to be a white Jew in this state, but I really do like Arizona and I definitely prefer hot over cold.

Since we don’t have $50 extra right now, we’re just going to make a small wholesale order and pay the $5 service fee for not meeting the $50 minimum just so we can get started with learning to make our own. We’ll probably order the smallest quantities they have, like 500 punks, 250 bags, and a quarter pound of the cutting agent, plus the oils of my top 5 favorites which are pretty much Angel, Jasmine, Chocolate, Butter Rum and Vanilla Musk. These are the. Paula just may get her prank blank after all!

Then again, I may get White Shoulders rather than Jasmine, and Brown Sugar rather than Chocolate. The idea is to create my own scents. If I’m going to try to sell any I may not have as much luck if my scents are the same as other people’s. With Brown Sugar, I can maybe make Vanilla Sugar Musk, by combining the Brown Sugar and Vanilla Musk oils.

With the White Shoulders, I want to see if I can adjust it so I can smell it better. Their White Shoulders ever so barely smelled like White Shoulders.

Later…

The supplies have been ordered. I had to substitute Angel for Black Pearl as Angel wasn’t on their list, to my surprise. Black Pearl is a lot like Angel. We’re getting a ¼ pound of that, Butter Rum, Brown Sugar, Vanilla Musk and White Shoulders. The White Shoulders was a little more expensive because it’s a designer perfume that they had to pay the company with the rights to the scent a fee in order for them to use it, so it was $4.50 while the others were $3.50. We also got 100 2x12 zip-top bags for $2.50, a ½ pound of cutting agent for $1.50, and 500 natural 11” punk sticks for $3.00.

I wonder if I can take my Love Story perfume and make it into incense. We’ll find out soon enough.

If God will ever let me sell any of this stuff, I’ll stay away from the trademark names and use name variations on their scents. In other words, if I sell Angel, I’ll call it something like Heavenly Angel. If I sell Vanilla, I’ll call it Vanillalicious.

Friday, January 16, 2004

The last draft I typed for Mary was sickening! So much so that it’s so hard to believe it wasn’t part of a fictitious book and that it was actually the real-life events of someone I personally know. I can see how it’d be a horribly painful draft for her to write like she said it was. In the draft, the sick cock kills Gretchen while she’s working at McDonald’s. He calls her there and says she has to hurry home because Gretchen’s not breathing. She gets home thinking Sicko’s called the paramedics, not realizing right away that she’s dead. When she does realize it, she cries and screams in anguish and picks up a knife, wanting to kill herself till she feels Andrew move inside her. Then Sicko tosses Gretchen in a bag with shovels and they end up on a public bus. Mary’s in shock muttering Gretchen’s name while Sicko convinces the driver she’s in labor and the driver goes off route to Sicko’s parents’ house. In a wooded area there is where Sicko buries Gretchen before he gets a grand or two from his father and they board a Greyhound bus for Seattle with Mary threatening to get away from him somehow and expose him. She also promises to give up the baby she was carrying for adoption to save him from the sick fuck. Fortunately, she did do this too, not that she was a bad mother (when she wasn’t exposing her kids to cocks like Justin), but because she was broke and mentally unstable. Besides, I don’t think she had much of a choice. She was captured right around the time he was born anyway.

Despite all that happened that was beyond her control, shame on her for not killing the sicko right then and there! I mean, I can’t imagine the kind of rage she must’ve felt towards him upon realizing he’d killed her not giving even the smallest, frailest of women the strength to claw the biggest, meanest cock to death and that’s just what he deserved that night. I just don’t see how anyone could have their child killed by someone and not put their hands on them. She should’ve done him with the knife she was going to do herself with or done something. God knows she had enough rage and adrenaline to do it. It’s like, why take the time, money and space to lock these kinds of hopeless, unchangeable people up forever when it’d be so much easier to just take out the garbage and be done with them forever? Our joke of a system doesn’t do the right thing, so that leaves the responsibility, unfortunately, to fall upon those of us cursed with the likes of the Justin Gs of the world. Somebody’s got to do it, and sometimes, regardless of what the screwy laws say, two wrongs do make a right. Gretchen had every right to live which means that Mary had every right to kill Justin as far as I’m concerned because doing so would’ve meant saving her life if she wasn’t going to break away from him first, like she wishes she did. It makes my blood boil so bad to think of what he did that I know I’d be fully capable of killing him myself and she wasn’t even my child! I could snap a sick fuck like that over my knee as if I were the one weighing hundreds of pounds and he was just a little chunky. Rage does that to you. It gives you inhuman strength. That’s why I don’t see how she didn’t snap that night and simply kill him. I mean, as it was I could ever so barely control myself from going after the inmates who threatened me in order to keep my visits and commissary that I can’t imagine there being any way I could keep myself glued together if someone killed someone I loved that was within my reach. Do you know how badly I wished, just for the moment Nancy threatened me, for example, that I had just been given a life sentence so I could clobber her with nothing to lose? It was sheer frustration not being able to jump those who made their little threats and I know that one more threat, just one more, and there’d be no holding back. I’ll be like a dam bursting, and trust me, I won’t be thinking of any consequences cuz I won’t give a damn. Besides, you know how screwy the laws are. You go down for months if you’re convicted of writing threats, but you can kick the crap out of someone and get barely 5 minutes for that, so I’ll take the 5 minutes if I have to.

I also can’t imagine how she can love God or have any faith in him. He let this happen. In fact, he had more of a part in it than Sicko had, in a sense, but I suppose there’s no sense in wasting our time wishing we could change the past. I know how crazy it can drive one to wish they could. A zillion times I’ve wished I’d said or done this differently, wished I’d handled this one differently or that one differently, and it just drives you crazy!

Meanwhile, we were surprised by just how easy it’s going to be to pull the mural off. Most of it just peeled right off. All he has to do is scrape a few pieces with a putty knife, then it’ll be ready to paint. We decided to paint it light blue, then add white clouds! It’ll be good practice for when we build our dream castle.

I told Tom of my vibes pertaining to moving and he said that 2 months holed up somewhere seems a bit long since we’re going to be doing 99% of the work ourselves. True. Especially with a single-wide. However, if something can go wrong with our little excursions, it usually does, so we’ll see. I sure as hell hope we’re not renting someplace or in hotels for 2 months, seeing how rough 4 months were when we came here.

We talked more about our website and agreed that if we can make our own incense without any problems, we should sell 10-packs for $1.50. We don’t want to use the same units and prices Incense Galore does because we don’t want to seem like we’re competing with them or trying to be an incense business. Meanwhile, if we get a lot of incense orders and that ends up happening, fine. He also pointed out that sometimes it’s easier to sell an idea than a product, so if someone wants to know how I make mine, we could maybe sell them an e-book on how it’s done or something.

I’ve been eating like a pig. I’ve always been one to be fully aware of my ways. I know when I’m overeating and I know when I’m not. What shocks the shit out of me is that I’m still 129!

Because I was finishing up a book and still haven’t received the books I ordered, we decided to be spontaneous and have a little fun by going to Walmart. I was going to get a few things while he filled out an application on their computer, but people were tying it up, so he didn’t get to do that.

We could only spend a little money, but I got a pink shirt/gown for bumming around the house in with black dots, a couple of new sports bras and a book to tide me over till my order arrives.

I brought along a couple of mini incense sticks to cover the cow shit smell on the way to and fro, and we stopped at Circle K on the way back to get a treat. He got vanilla soda and cakes while I got cold honey tea and chocolate mini muffins. I also got this really cool little toy with bright, colorful flashing strobe lights. It’s a pink clear rubber star and in the center is the light that runs for 4 seconds when you squeeze it. It has a bright, multi-colored string attached to it so kids can wear it around their necks. I was playing with it during the 3-hour power outage we had last evening.

For just $10, Walmart now has “Fairytopia” which is part of the ’04 line. I didn’t get it since we need to save money and would only have to pack it to move, but it’s pretty cool looking. Barbie wears a pink glittery outfit and she even has pink glittery hair, too. Mary would like it. They also have one in purple and blue, too. I’ll at least get the pink one after we move.

Later…

Got my books today. They enclosed a coupon for a dollar off my next order. They also say they’ll buy back the books after they’ve been read, but I don’t know. I sent an email asking about it. If the store credit or cash payment they say they’ll give doesn’t cover the cost of the shipping it’ll take for me to get the books back to them, then I won’t do it because then I’d literally be paying to give my books back. I do enough stuff for free or at my expense as it is.

Tom got a ticket and I told him it would lose and that it was a waste of time till February. He said it’d win because he had a winning vibe. I told him it wouldn’t because he wasn’t the psychic one here, and sure enough, it was a loser.

There goes the renters. Fortunately, they’ve been driving quiet vehicles lately, but their dogs are pretty damn obnoxious at night. That’s okay. We won’t be here much longer.

Someone there might work nights. I was star-gazing at around 6 AM the other morning when I saw them come in.

Later…

I spoke with Paula and let her know that one by one she’ll get 4 small packages over the next several weeks. The second of three incense packages will have the one stick that just doesn’t seem to smell of anything at all. Hee, hee! That’ll be in the empty Sun Moon & Star bag, but of course, I didn’t tell her that.

She’s lavishing her abusive cock with gift after gift yet she can’t send me a lousy $10 for all the time and money I’ve so foolishly cared enough to spend on her. Never again, though. These packages are it. And the thing of it is, is that she’s too out of it to even know she’s so selfish.

She’s as high as ever on beating up on Miguel and being beat up in return. She was laughing about it, as usual. How can a human being enjoy being hit and enjoy hitting like she does? It’s just totally beyond me.

It was my turn to laugh when she told me it was -20° there. In fact, I was laughing so hard that she had to wait a minute before she could ramble on once again because I couldn’t stop laughing.

I used newspaper as a filler in two of the incense boxes, but in one of them, I’m using 4 little stuffed bears I have no use for, an old camera case and some pieces of foam. I also lined the walls of the box with an old 20x16 kitten picture I’ve had for years that I’m sick of. I’m pretty sure I got it back east in like ’90 or ’91.

Tom’s been slaving away writing programs to create games for our site. He’s making really good progress, too.

He’s got his mercury wheat straw dimes up on eBay. He already got a bid on them, too.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

The dimes have gone from an $8 bid to a $20 bid. Good. That way we make a little profit. See, Tom would be willing to hand them over for nothing so they wouldn’t sit in the closet and take up space like they have, but it’s nice to get a little something for them. We give and do enough for free or at a price of some kind.

He got another Slingo ticket I told him would lose that did lose.

How nice of Incense Galore. See, wholesale orders get charged a $5 service fee for not meeting the $50 minimum as well as shipping. They charged me the shipping fee, but not the $5 service fee, so that was nice. Hopefully, I’ll get the supplies next week, along with the coffee, seeing that they took the money for that, too.

Tom stopped in the little consignment shop here in town, but they were pretty much selling southwestern things. He said they had my big leaf plant which was over his head and that it was in a pot even smaller than mine, so I guess they don’t need much root space after all. What I wonder, though, is will bigger pots allow the plant to get bigger.

I’m so glad we’re not going to be the renter’s neighbors for too much longer, even if they’re sweethearts compared to what we were neighbored up with in Phoenix. They have at least 4 dogs running around loose and they’re making a mess of our place again. I hope they won’t hinder us from selling the house and that my vibes are right. Well, I don’t know about my vibes, but my guess is that they won’t be a problem. Especially when you consider the fact that there’s a 90% chance the buyers are going to be slobs themselves and have their own dogs roaming around the neighborhood.

I wonder if the renter’s dogs have ever killed next door’s chickens like those strays did that they thought were ours when we first moved in.

Tom dumped some stuff off at the recycling center and spoke with Gina. When she asked if I ever found a home-based job, he mentioned the incense and said she said she was really into the stuff. Also, the swap meet would probably be a good place to sell some like we were talking about. I don’t think I’d want to do swap meets regularly, though, and deal with all the people, the schedules and the heat we have most of the year here.

I’ve already begun designing the label. We decided to call it Desert Scents. I also decided that using clipart or illustrated designs of some kind would be better than actual graphics for the bag. Something catchy, but that wouldn’t use much ink. First I tried a rose, then decided a rose wouldn’t be all that appropriate for the desert, so then I tried their cactus. Because it was a rather boring-looking cactus, I then settled on red hot chili peppers. Once we get the website established we’ll add its address to the label.

Tom came up with a really cool idea to maybe grind some of the plants up out here and see if we can make incense from the more fragrant ones like the mesquites.

We discussed other possibilities as to how to sell the incense, like maybe at a dollar store, if they’d be willing to sell it for us, even though they’d want a percentage.

Tom’s really excited about it and he really seems to believe it’ll work out. I hope he’s right, cuz I still can’t imagine why God would suddenly allow me to do something I want to do for a change. I mean, I’m not too surprised he wouldn’t let me be a singer, but when you can’t do something as natural and ordinary as have a kid, it really shoots your hope and makes you think you wouldn’t be allowed to do anything no matter how ordinary or extraordinary it may be. Tom says it’s just a matter of us choosing the right thing. Perhaps he has a point. There’s no doubt that being a singer or a mother would’ve been the wrong thing for me. I truly believe I wouldn’t have been happy with either one. The singing would’ve entailed too much traveling and people that would’ve driven me crazy. As for the kid, as soon as the initial joy of holding that child for the first time wore off, I’d have been left with nothing but expenses up the ass, a never-ending symphony of noise, smelly diapers up to my neck, 40 more pounds that I couldn’t lose, and no time or freedom for myself. Like I always said – kids are sweet, but they’re just not for me. I don’t have the desire or patience it takes to deal with them, though this doesn’t mean I’d have abused them like my parents abused me. I don’t believe we always turn out to be like our parents. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t. My sister was a carbon copy of my mother, unfortunately, but Larry was not.

Someone like Mary, on the other hand, is 100% mother material as long as she doesn’t expose them to the wrong cocks.

I think my psychic abilities may go back further than I ever realized because I always knew a kid wasn’t meant to be. Even when I was just a kid myself, I knew it wasn’t in my cards. I guess God knew I would be such a freedom freak and a freedom freak I am! Being locked up and stuck in various places and circumstances you don’t want to be in has a way of doing that to you. I have been controlled to the extreme from the day I was born. All kids get told what to do, but you see, there’s a difference between telling your kid, “You gotta wear clothes to school,” versus, “You gotta wear the green shirt and the brown pants to school.”

Not all things are understandable, though. It’s easy for me to see why I wasn’t meant to be a singer or a mother, but why was I meant to be with a man, for example, and not a woman unless I was willing to settle for second best or less? Not that I regret Tom, but why not a Kate Jackson or a Gloria Estefan or a Linda Ronstadt? Why not a Norah M or a Mary C or someone like Palma and Teddy Bear? Is lust, other than in my imagination, a sin for me?

Nonetheless, I do have children – my rats! Anything that’s dependent on an adult, to me, is like kids.

When I start with the why-would-God-let-me-succeed-now bit, I try to remind myself that some things have changed. I couldn’t put sick spells on people before, vibe/influence tickets, etc. Just maybe God will put his animosity aside and be like, yeah, yeah, do what you want. I don’t care.

I should be just a couple of weeks away from Haiku, assuming there aren’t many more hold-ups. Now she, along with the other dolls, makes great children. That’s because they never cost anymore after you’ve bought them and they stay where you put them.

Once again we may be put out by blacks. Their little holiday may delay the check a day or two.

I’m going to try like hell to stay on days, even if it means sleeping only 8 hours a night because they’re flying like crazy. They’re at it almost every day now! The only way they’d take a break would be if one of their planes went down, and believe me, if I could will one of them to drop from the sky, I would! Maybe I should try. I figure that the only way a psychic of my kind is going to get telekinetic would be to work on it, and what better place to start than with the United States Air Force? So fall from the sky they will as soon as I can hopefully get them to. The pilots jump from the plane with parachutes before the plane crashes. Or at least they try to. As it is, though, I don’t give a damn if someone gets killed. Tom will know about it if I succeed because he keeps tabs on the news. I highly doubt I could do it. I can’t even move an object like a barrette that’s sitting on the table.

I was right in suspecting that putting chicken wire around the palm to protect it from the rabbits would help it. It’s starting to grow back. Of course it’s growing back now that we’re moving! Either way, you really gotta either protect or get older plants in a place like this.

Later…

Tom and I were discussing more pricing and package ideas we may sell. Maybe we’ll get a roadside stand of our own, though I’d prefer to do business from home.

Anyway, when I checked the incense site to see if anything new was amiss, I found that they’re now having monthly giveaways. This month they’ll be giving someone a smoking bottle, then someone else an 11” coffin burner, and another person a 19” ash catcher. I’d really like that 19” ash catcher, so as a means of hopefully encouraging them to choose me for that, unless they have a random drawing, I told them I was considering trying their 19” sticks (this isn’t a lie, either) and asked how long they burn for, though I know it’s about 3 hours. I’m sure I’ll get some eventually either way, though an ash catcher would be more encouraging.

Tom liked my idea of creating a burner for cars, like maybe something you hang from the mirror, but that can’t fall out. It’d be really hard, though, to start a fire with an incense stick as opposed to a cigarette. Incense sticks usually go out when the head of it touches something. That’s why I wouldn’t bother with getting smoking bottles.

Tom read a cute little joke online that goes like this: Once upon a time, a little old lady went to see her doctor complaining about gas. She said, “Doctor, I can’t seem to stop passing gas. No matter what I do, I’m constantly passing gas. Why I must’ve done it 20 times since I’ve been in this room talking to you. It’s just that oddly enough, it doesn’t smell or make any noise when it happens.”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “I’ve got just the right remedy for you.”

He wrote her a prescription and sent her home.

Not long afterward, she was back at the doctor’s office. “Doctor!” she exclaimed. “I still can’t seem to stop passing gas like crazy. The only difference is that while it still can’t be heard, it now smells horrible! Just horrible.”

“Good,” the doctor said. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Sunday, January 18, 2004

And again Tom got a ticket I told him was doomed to lose.

The coins, which have 10 hours to go, are up to $32 and he had had only a goal of $15 on those. Tom’s all excited about it. He didn’t expect to get that much. Maybe the money-making curse is more on me than on both of us. Today he’s also going to put up his baseball cards, half-dollars, and mixed coins in 3 separate auctions. He hopes to get $15 for the mixed coins, $20 for the half-dollars, and $20 for the baseball cards.

He decided to keep the newly minted pennies, saying they’re not that valuable yet. We’re also going to put up some of the plates I don’t want. There are 6 in all, 3 of which his mom gave us.

We’re putting up these things starting at next to nothing and with no reserve. He’s starting the coins off at face value, but everything else will start at like a buck if even that. It’s basically stuff we don’t want that we’re willing to give away for very little so others can enjoy it. If not, the stuff will just get dumped.

We’re probably going to ditch the RV idea. I mean, sure it’s nice to be able to test the waters and check out various areas, but things can change. An area can seem pleasant enough at first, then in comes trouble.

If we’d known we’d be moving so soon after getting this place, we’d never have bothered getting a back door in place of a window. It’s just one more leak source and besides, people rarely go out their back doors and hang out behind their houses in Arizona anyway. At least the prep work won’t be a fraction of what it was in the old dive, but still, it could be practically nothing if the evil entity here hadn’t cracked Tom’s window, and if I hadn’t been dumb enough to bother with the wall art, and if the dumb Mexican hadn’t have punctured the shower pipe. Instead, we have to replace a window and paint 3 rooms, along with the wall the mural was on.

Later…

Someone bid on the half-dollars right after he put them up!

He’s watching football right now. Boring! A bunch of cocks ramming into one another never did anything for me.

I decided to keep 4 of the 7 dolls I had considered selling - Ciara, Samantha, Amelia and Maria. I’ll still sell, or try to sell, Meagan, Autumn and Valentine.

Monday, January 19, 2004

A guy in Texas won the dimes. A few hours before the auction ended I saw that it’d come to $43 and it did. I’m vibing $36 on the half-dollars.

They’re now on us about the two house payments we’ve missed. Around mid-February is when we’ll get a real estate agent, preferably a female this time and one who isn’t out to scam anyone in the midst of things. Again, doing our own work should cut down the chances of getting screwed over dramatically, even though people still find a way.

I had an idea, though I don’t know if it’ll work. If it doesn’t, it’s ok, since it’s no loss to us. The idea was to dig up and replant the palm tree into the pot the indoor palm was in. We’ll then leave it outdoors on the top step where the rabbits can’t get it and take it with us if it survives. We won’t bother with the 5 or so surviving olies as they have deeper roots.

I was laughing at how Tom insisted he does it so I wouldn’t “mess anything up.” I was like, “What could I do? Damage some of the dirt? Maybe kill a few scorpions along the way?”

Yet he insisted I’d find something so I’ll gladly let him do it. It’s a job I’d rather not have anyway.

Later…

And he got yet another ticket I told him would lose that lost.

Tom got the palm into the pot, so now we’ll just hope for the best. I put a spell on it and hopefully that’ll help it. I still don’t know, though, if I can influence our sonic boomers due to lack of anger. They irritate me, but they don’t enrage me. The more enraged I am at someone or something, the more likely I am to be able to curse it.

Meanwhile, I am determined to one day have a house that’ll put this 2100-square-foot beauty to shame and I’m going to correct everything they fucked up on, too. I specifically ordered, for example, light blue carpet when they didn’t have pink, and what did I get? Denim blue carpet. So, I’ll not only install light blue carpet with my own two hands along with Tom’s, but I’ll install pink carpet too, and hey, why not throw in lavender as well?

We both agree that while this is a beautiful house with a really cool layout, it’s too open in certain areas. The living room’s the worst because it’s so hard to set up what with the way it’s laid out. We like rooms that are more separate and off by themselves, whereas here you got the living room which opens into the dining room which opens into the kitchen which opens into the den.

Anyway, I’m still sad and a bit teary-eyed. We still would’ve preferred to go at our own leisure than be forced out of here. All I can do is hope that something’s only trying to give us a nudge towards better things and not punishing us. As it is, we could easily be losing out on a fortune with the way this place is building up.

Because it’d be such a bitch to move and because we probably won’t have room for it right away anyway, we may sell most of the furniture and take only the airbed, computer desks, folding tables and maybe the bedroom furniture which consists of just one long dresser and a nightstand.

Of course we won’t tell anyone that the front and back doors leak or that the place is haunted. I’m sure they’ll try to sucker a last-minute buck or two out of us anyway cuz people are greedy and they like to do that kind of shit to us, but we won’t fall for it this time around. They’ll just have to fuck off or take us to court, but of course, we won’t be showing up if they do subpoena us. We know better than to walk into an Arizona courtroom. People tend not to go home when they do that, though civil cases are different from criminal cases as Tom pointed out.

Working out with the ball is great. You sit on it and bounce as high as possible. It’s such an easy way to keep my muscles toned and elevate my heartbeat in a way that’s not nearly as boring as walking, jogging, and rowing. I’m willing and ready to sell both the treadmill and the Bowflex at this point. The ball works my legs and abs just fine, and the dumbbells take care of my arms. I still think I’ll get 5-10 pounds heavier with each passing decade, but I’ll still be fit, strong and healthy.

I thought that maybe the ball was more fun because it was a lot like when I rock to my music, then I got a little worried for a minute there and tested my heart rate while I rocked. Fortunately, it didn’t quite make it up to the target zone. If it had I’d think there was something wrong with me for damn sure. Like I said, though, I really like the ball a lot and how I can move it around so easily as opposed to the Bowflex and treadmill.

I swear I will never again scoff at those over 30 who say they can’t lose weight! These are the people I used to call lazy pigs who let themselves get fat, who could lose weight if they simply put effort into it, but now I know better. And now I know why they’re like, “Well, if I’m going to be fat anyway no matter what I do, why feel like I’m starving by cutting my calories? Why not just eat normally?”

They put up the same kind of patio at the front of the second house that they did with the first house, but that’s okay. By the time they’re all hanging out front gabbing and barking we should be out of here or at least well on our way out of here.

I’ve had very little tightness over the last few days. It really pisses me off to think that the medicine the doctors were prescribing me since quitting smoking was actually causing a lot of the tightness and congestion I’ve experienced after quitting. It’s like, fucking doctors! I hate them almost as much as I hate pigs, lawyers and judges. They simply cannot be trusted, and again, money and power are more important to them than what’s right. I swear I’ll never go to a doctor again till I’m old and dying. Even if I broke a bone, I’d set the damn thing myself and have Tom make a cast out of plaster of Paris. I’ll see a dentist, but to hell with the not-so-good docs!

Who knows, though? Perhaps it’s my powers that’s made me better. Maybe if I weren’t psychic I really would be worse off not taking the inhalers. I’ll still skip the dishonest quacks if I can help it, though, who don’t tell you the side effects of the meds they prescribe, make false diagnoses, and so on.

Since quitting the inhalers I’ve been more tired. Maybe this will help me stay on days if I tire down early since I usually need so much sleep. It isn’t just the constant flying that’s got me wanting to stay on days, but instinct is telling me to do so as well, so I figure it’s because things are going to be picking up soon enough in the way of swap meets, yard sales, moving, and who knows what else? Just as long as the freeloaders aren’t in the picture, it’ll be ok!

I just wish, if we were destined to lose this house as we are, that this could’ve happened once I got out of jail cuz then we could’ve run, but like God would’ve set things up to give me that big of a break? Yeah, right! He wanted me to suffer on account of those freeloaders, and suffer bad, so what would’ve been the point of setting things up to make things easier for me?

It might be a while, during the move, before I can get to a computer for Mary’s drafts, but she’s a very patient, understanding person. It’ll be no prob. At least we’ll be able to keep in touch with no problem because of the cell phones which are going with us. Also, if we change PO boxes before I can get the new one’s address to her, they’ll forward it. I’ll tell her, when the time comes, not to send drafts till we get settled unless she thinks they’ll get stolen. If she thinks they’re at risk there, by all means, she should send them.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

I’ve started gaining the weight I knew I’d gain if I ate whatever whenever. I’m 131 and for the first time in my life, I said, “I don’t care. I’m going to accept and live with whatever I gain, be it 10 pounds or 50.” For a minute there, now that I’ve found a way of working out for an hour a day that I can stick to, I was tempted to cut my calories to see what would happen, but then I lectured myself and said, “Don’t do this to yourself again. You know it won’t make a difference. You’ve been obsessed with this for years. It’s time to move on now and let your body do what it wants to do naturally. Not even 5 hours of exercise and a measly 500 calories could drop your weight by more than a few pounds. You’re 38 years old, so move on and live with it!” And so I eat when my stomach says it’s time to eat.

I decided that since I don’t have the power to control my weight or improve my vision I would focus on my allergies. So far so good. It’s been over a week now since I’ve used the spray.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Just thought I’d do some writing while I wait for Tom to return from the PO. Hopefully, he’ll have my supplies.

My coffee, mugs and coffeemaker came yesterday. The coffeemaker got added to the stuff for sale since I don’t need it.

It’s a good thing I quit watching my weight cuz these appetite suppressants are worthless. You gotta pay the big bucks to get results. Anyway, I slipped down a couple of pounds because I bounced for an hour yesterday and had around 2000 instead of an outrageous 2500, though 2000 is still a little overkill for someone my height and age.

One thing I do know and that’s that I’m sick of shitting! Sometimes I do it twice a day and it hasn’t had any effect on my weight whatsoever, so I think I’m going to cut down on the fiber.

In Mary’s latest draft that I received yesterday, she talks about how she blames Justin’s parents for having a major hand in making him the monster he is, but why doesn’t she open her eyes and blame the one who should really be blamed right along with the sick cock himself – God! Why does she worship him so? It’s like kissing the hand that slaps you and it makes no sense! Just no sense.

She really fucked herself over during her interrogation and made the same mistake I did by not exercising her right to remain silent. When I read the parts leading up to and after the murder, my first thought was, oh no! I hope she didn’t tell this to the pigs. When the pigs asked why she didn’t call them, she said she was scared. That was bad. She should’ve kept her mouth shut. Especially in regard to that one. Pigs and judges find that a poor excuse. Just the fact that she boarded two buses with the sicko and still didn’t turn his ass in is probably about the worst thing she could’ve told them. I can’t stress it enough to her or to anyone that the pigs are never our friends. It’s one thing to call a pig when you come home to find your house broken into or to call a pig cuz someone stole your car, but when they go to you, people should never trust a pig. Never. Not even if they claim it’s pertaining to someone else. Pigs are professional liars and bluffers and so people should keep their mouths shut, even if they threaten to book them out of spite for exercising their right to keep quiet which I’d say - let them. If anything, spite arrests just may make a person a little richer in the end. Nonetheless, I’m sure they did empathize with Mary and certainly with Gretchen, but still, all the pigs are out to do is “get a person’s ass.” They kiss up to you and butter you up till they get what they want, then they squash you in the palm of their hand as if you were nothing more than a piece of bread. They’re never on a defendant’s side no matter how much sympathy they may feel for the person’s situation and circumstances. It’s their job. It’s their job to try to get a defendant to sink themselves on tape as much as it’s a defense attorney’s job to try to get their clients off.

And that was really low of the pigs to call her family too, to tell them of what happened. That should’ve been up to her to do so, and when she was ready to.

I can also understand her desire to hang onto the childhood that was taken from her. Perhaps that’s why I’m as childish as I am mature!

To add insult to injury, Mary was threatened right after Gretchen died. She was locked in a bathroom in some whorehouse the sicko dragged her to when some cock threatened to slit her throat through the door while she was trying to take a shower. I can see getting all terrified like she did at her age, but me? I’d have flung that door open so fast and in such a rage, the cock wouldn’t be threatening me no more! Then, after it recovered from the shock of my reaction, if I let it live, it wouldn’t find me very fun anymore. Only those who are terrified are fun for sick cocks like that.

I take it Little Buddy’s picture didn’t win anything after all or else they’d have contacted me by now. This might be a good thing, though, if all they were going to give me for it was a medal.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

For 3 days I didn’t hear them flying and thought, good, I at least backed them off, but then I heard them a little while ago. I’ll try to back them off as my schedule shifts more towards days as once again I decided not to bother worrying about my schedule till it’s absolutely necessary.

I had a vibe saying that whenever the hell Tom gets a job, it’ll be for 10-something an hour. His age is really making it hard because the idiots think that at his age he’ll want more money. Why they don’t just say, “This is the pay and so be it,” beats me. They should because then they’d know that those they get putting in applications are ok with the pay whether it’s fair or not.

He says he’s not worried about not finding a job in a hurry since we have quite a few months left where we can get unemployment, and when we move, there’ll be no house payments or electric bills. All we’ll need money for will be food, vehicle expenses, generator expenses, phone and satellite, so his pay won’t matter, though the more the merrier and the quicker we can build our dream castle.

I’m just afraid God’s going to tear down whatever we do build. It’s like with this great new exercising method I’ve found, thanks to Miss Perfect, who finally did something right. Well, I had just gotten hot and heavy into the Bowflex (which we decided to keep) when he sent the black bums to take me away from it, so I’m always afraid to get into new things because someone or something is always waiting to tear it all apart. The same with when I get new rats. The freeloading assholes stole the last 6 months of Houdini’s life from me.

I’m also afraid he’ll do things like escalate the vehicle repairs when we move just because we’ll have extra money, and force us to put money towards things other than what we’d like to put it towards. As it is, I’ve already made up my mind that trying to sell incense and trying to make a go of the website won’t be successful. I haven’t succeeded yet, so why should I now? At least I’ll still have fun making my own incense and ordering wholesale from now on.

When we move, I’m going to be fearful of the freeloaders popping back into my life for yet the fourth time just like they did after we moved here. I’m truly amazed that they haven’t pulled anything else on me thus far. Especially after showing me for nearly 7 years that they don’t give up so easily. It was like I was their obsession. Tom thinks they’ve finally backed off for good, but he’s always been a very trusting, optimistic person when it comes to things like that. Either way, I certainly hope so! I don’t have any bad vibes, and one thing I do know is that if they did remind me of their sorry existence, they’ll never get me in the position they had me in before. It’ll be total doomsday for them if they ever fuck with me again and not even God could protect them like he always has. Anyway, I need a good year off from them in order to relax 100% where they’re concerned and to fully believe that they are just a horrendous memory and nothing more. May 30th was the last time I was forced to either do anything on account of them or hear from anyone connected to them, so if I can get to May 30th of this year without having to hear from him via Arizona’s little piggies, then I’ll be way relieved.

I still also fear being stuck in bad places I can’t get out of, but I suppose that with my history that’s to be expected. It’s really scary to know that even in my 30s that can happen. Well, unless someone frames me or tries to kill me and I kill them instead in self-defense, there’s no reason I should go to jail, though there wasn’t any reason I should’ve in the first place.

They say there’s a reason for everything, so all I can do is hope that we’re not being forced out of here to be set up for something worse that we can’t get out of so easily.

I had to laugh when I thought of how the spiders will return to show up in here regularly once I’m no longer here to put my hate spells on them.

We haven’t been doing well with the tickets lately. Partly out of compensation for the $30 winner we had and partly because I’ve slacked off on putting spells on them in order to concentrate on the big bucks. Although I don’t think I’ll ever be allowed the power, we’d rather a million bucks than $20 here, $30 there and $10 in between. Memolink makes their daily million-dollar draws at 3 PM PT, so at 4 PM I’m going to be concentrating really hard on the numbers the auto-pick drew for me, trying to get their numbers to match mine.

Later…

Well, I did my best as far as trying to win the Memolink lotto and now the rest is up to fate. If God doesn’t want us having that kind of money, he won’t let me hit the numbers. In fact, I still think something doesn’t want us ever having that much money. Especially if UPS doesn’t bring the truck’s water pump today and I don’t get my supplies tomorrow so we can get the swap meet going. Something always interferes whenever we try to make money. Plus, it isn’t just about us not being allowed to make enough money from home, it’s about me not being allowed to do what I want to do with my life which is something that’s always been a no-no. Still, I instinctively rebel against God’s controlling hold on me and I grab hold of the wheel of the car that drives my life whenever I get the slightest opportunity to do so.

Nonetheless, I tried my best to concentrate really hard on the lotto until the renters drove by with 3 huge dogs chasing them. It’s a wonder they weren’t barking up a storm while they were at it.

Later…

It was a bust. According to the results of the last draw, I only got 1 number. Now the question is, do I figure it’s not meant to be and give up? Or do I keep plugging away at it and hope that I hit it over time?

I’m just glad, as much as I hated being poor and struggling like I did back east, that I didn’t strike it rich then. Too many people, Tammy in particular, would’ve swindled it away from me and I would’ve been kind enough and naïve enough to let them do it, too. Most people are natural beggars who won’t hesitate to simply go up to a person, even a total stranger, and ask for whatever. As it was, the first thing out of Tammy’s mouth when I started dancing and we thought I’d make really good money was, “I’ll take $500 a month.”

The hell if I’ll be anyone’s slave or whipping boy again! Some might ask why I’m Mary’s secretary since she can’t pay me regularly for it, and I guess the answer is simple – because I know she would if she could and that she will when she’s released. She would also do me any favors I needed that were within her means.

Paula, on the other hand, is never getting another package from me again, and she’ll get very few letters from now on, too. I mean, I could never, for example, trust her to mail a letter for me like Mary did with Teddy Bear, which reminds me - Paula did get the envelope I sent her addressed to Incense Galore for her free sample. And did she mail it out? Of course she did. She never has a problem doing for herself. If it was for someone else, then why bother?

I can understand that it’s human nature for a lot of us to be selfish. The main reason I don’t want kids, for example, is so that I can have a life. It’s been hard enough for me to have that at times as a childless person that I’d hate to try it as a parent. We all want things for ourselves with little or no cost, and that’s only natural. In fact, if I had a New Year’s resolution it would probably be to be as selfish as I can and to make as much money as I can, despite my doubts about that. It’s just when you spend so many years getting ripped off and being used, it makes you want money and freedom even more. It has that effect on me, at least, though some people may just go with it.

I decided that if Paula’s worst crime is being a little stingy, then I won’t bother dumping her. I mean, she’s hardly done anything wrong as opposed to Doe, Art, Tammy and Larry.

I took some pictures of the dark gray storm cloud out front. Yes, there’s been some rain, lightning and thunder the last couple of days. It’s the first picture with the new houses too, although one of them is hiding behind a big tree. I heard cows and sheep not too far from here. In fact, every time I’d meow for Shiny, I got a meow for a reply.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Now I’m 128. Oh well. I mean, I’m sure I’ll return to 130 in a day or two like always.

Incense Galore emailed me saying my supplies were shipped yesterday which I was glad to hear as I was getting a little worried there. I sent them an email back asking why Angel isn’t on their wholesale list. Perhaps it’s got to be mixed specially to get that scent. Maybe they all do. Anyway, unless they were out of stock, why else would these supplies be taking so long to get to me since they didn’t need to be dipped? Because something up there likes to interfere with things I like and especially those I want to try to sell?

Now I don’t know what to think as far as my moving vibes go. Not after all the wonderful land deals we found online all over the western US. These are places that are so incredibly remote, too. They had an awesome deal on a 20-acre parcel between Kingman and Laughlin, and even a really good deal on a 100-acre parcel.

I tried, unsuccessfully, to win a scratch ticket so I’d have extra money at Walmart which we’re going to go to either late Sunday night or early in the morning so Tom can finally get to finish putting in his application on their computer which is always tied up. I told him I saw it losing, though. Especially since I planned to do a little shopping. So, we decided to set the grocery budget at $90, including food and extras. We’ll probably get $60 - $70 in food which will leave the rest for fun. I may even get Fairytopia since she really won’t take up much packing space. She’s just a Barbie after all.

Tom says each story I write gets better as there’s more story to it, so that’s cool.

Later…

This time I managed to get 2 numbers. Tom said that while more is merrier, he’d be impressed if I got 2 numbers regularly.

I just wish he wasn’t home so much! We’re getting along just fine, but even so, I need my solitude and I’m only getting that lately when I’m up while he’s asleep. When he’s out, it isn’t for more than a few hours at a time if even that. If he were someone I lusted for that lust for me in return, that’d be different. This is one of the reasons I’d go insane with a kid; it’d always be there save for when it was in school.

We checked other incense sites out just to compare and found some neat tips and pointers. A really convenient way to do it would be to pour the cut oils into a 1-gallon zip-top bag and soak them in that. Then we could lean the bag up against a tilted cookie sheet, clip the sticks to its edge, and let it drain and air dry for a couple of days.

What was really cool was that this one site in particular had kits for making your own lotions and shower gels/bubble baths with the scents of your choice! I’d love some Angel lotion and butter rum bubble bath.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Only 1 number this time. Meanwhile, the baseball cards sold for $54 to a guy in Illinois.

Tom’s making real progress as far as programming games for the website goes and even came up with the wacky idea of having an online pet cemetery. As we both agreed, if we’re going to get punished just for existing, why not make it for a reason? So why not take advantage of people’s grief and ask $15 to put their dead pet’s pictures in our little cemetery?

It’s now been 4 weeks without the inhalers, and I still haven’t needed the snot spray and can handle roughage just fine, on top of the fact that this may be the first winter I’ve known Tom where he didn’t get any colds.

It was funny how last night he said he was stuck and I offered to put a spell on him. He said not to worry if I couldn’t because he’d go when he got up since he had potatoes. I knew it would work, though, and was in the bedroom sipping coffee when I heard the other bathroom door open and the sound of his footsteps approaching to say goodnight. I called out “You’re welcome,” and he laughed, then said goodnight and hit the sack.

He’s napping right now because we plan to go to Walmart late tonight when there are fewer people. We felt that even 11:00 was too early being a Saturday night, so we’ll probably go at 2:00. Before we get groceries, he’ll do his application and I’ll spend a little money on fun stuff now that we’re doing a little better thanks to his eBay sales. The half-dollars end tomorrow, then up goes the mixed coins and the plates.

I like going out in the middle of the night so much better. Not just because there are fewer people, but also because there are fewer people creeping along the roads to hold us up, and especially at times when we can’t pass them. Such control freaks we’ve got in this world! I mean, a lot of idiots will pass us, then slow down once they get in front of us and hold us up just so they can feel they’ve controlled someone else’s actions. The last time we went there we passed this creep, then the little cock was right on top of us.

Everyone’s ignoring us and it really irritates the shit out of me. Tom emailed the water pump people and hasn’t gotten a response back. At least they haven’t taken any money. Even so, he’s going to email them once again tomorrow if he hasn’t heard from them by then and tell them to forget it, then he’ll buy the damn thing locally. Incense Galore hasn’t answered my question as to why Angel’s not on their wholesale list and Ricki hasn’t responded to the two messages I’ve left her.

Why do people always have to die at my expense? Some cock was killed on a motorcycle, delaying the installation of the carpet here cuz the carpet layer was best buddies with the person. A death delayed the overpriced fairy I got from that doll place where Mary is. I could go on with other deaths that have interfered with our lives, but I won’t bother. It just really annoys me when the events in other people’s lives put me out, and I don’t care how selfish or insensitive I sound.

There’s a lot of dirt-cheap land by the Mexican border, but that’s cuz no one wants to live there and deal with the illegals that want to come over and get paid to sit on their lazy asses. This country needs to put up a 40’ wall around it with a super high-voltage wire on top of it. That’ll keep the trashholes out.

I wonder if we’ll have a for-sale sign up at this place. I kind of hope we don’t because people will be knocking on the door like crazy. They do that out here. We’ll just have to deal with it if they do, though, because we’re going to need to sell the house fast. So fast that we’ll probably have to use a realtor, though Tom did consider selling it himself and maybe using eBay. I’m both amazed and impressed at how fast realtors respond. If you call them at 1:00, they’ll probably be at your place by 3:00. That’s how they make money, though, so I’d come running at people’s beck and call too if I were an agent.

I just hope Tom’s right when Mr. Optimistic says we’re being led to bigger and better things and not straight to hell by the fact that it’s still obvious that we’re destined to lose this house, despite how rocky the road will be between now and the jackpot if there really is one waiting for us. Yeah, but just how rocky will those roads be and how long are those bumpy roads? I’m not going to jail for our next dream house; that’s all I know.

I’ve been thinking of the pros and cons of leaving Arizona if my vibes end up wrong. I miss the woods and the ocean, but I also do love the desert. I get sick of the intense heat, but I’d get a hell of a lot sicker of cold and snow and much faster, too. Even so, if it turns out that when we’re ready to make a move there’s a damn good deal on a huge chunk of land that happens to be in Wyoming, then we’re going to Wyoming. At least I won’t have to play bus in whatever cold and snow we may have to deal with!

The weather here has been cloudy and rainy. I haven’t had to water the palm we potted for a few days now. I laid in bed last night listening to the sound of the rain. It’s a soothing sound as most steady sounds are as opposed to staccato-like ones.

I really hope my supplies come Monday! I’m amazed at the burn time on some of these sticks. One stick burned for nearly two hours.

Two hours of working out? No problem. That’s just what I did both today and yesterday. As Tom and I both agree, more is better with this type of exercise, versus weight-lifting. I awoke at 127, the lowest I’ve been able to go in over a year. I still don’t think I can bounce myself skinny or at least bounce down to 120, but I think I can maintain my weight for sure. Something really would have to be wrong if I couldn’t with this amount of exercise, which is just so easy, fun and totally great. I never would’ve thought to do something like this. I would’ve thought it wasn’t enough, but Tom’s heart rate monitor proved that it is. I know I said I didn’t care if I kept gaining, but that’s easy to say until you think of the cost of buying bigger clothes and not being able to get around as easily, not to mention how shitty you’d look. If I can’t lose I’ll at least try to stay where I am. Two hours a day is about a 600-calorie burn which means that if I had 2000 calories in a day, my body would think it was only having 1400. I’d have lost weight on that in my 20s, but it should hold me at this age. Besides, I don’t always have 2000. Yesterday I had about 1600 while my body thought it had 1000. My ass and thighs feel firmer, though they still look terrible. I mean, I still have more craters than the moon. It’s one of those things where my legs look like shit in themselves, yet wonderful compared to most others around my age.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Tom’s half-dollars ended up selling for $38 to someone in New York, and I’m a little worried over the fact that out of the 20 or so feedbacks they have, they have one negative one. They took their sweet time in paying for something they won, and with our shit luck, this may happen to us, too.

We ended up going to Walmart at around midnight. I got another sleeper shirt with black dots, only this one’s blue.

We also got those pasta pots with holes in their covers for draining spaghetti when you lock the cover in place.

I did get Fairytopia, but they didn’t have the pink or blue one so I got the lavender one. It’s really beautiful and the lavender hair is way cool looking. She has a touch of lavender body glitter and even her skin has a faint lavender hue to it. I’d like to get the other colors someday and put them on matching stands.

Despite my 1500-calorie intake yesterday and my 2-hour workout, I’m up 2 pounds to 129. I always jump up when I hit 127. I guess those who say exercising doesn’t really burn calories and that the only way to avoid extra calories is to not have them in the first place are right. I still don’t think anything’s wrong, because what about the millions of other middle-aged people who can’t lose weight? They don’t all have something wrong. Besides, if I did, I wouldn’t want to know. After all the years of dealing with quack doctors, I wouldn’t want to have to deal with it. As long as I don’t get sick or end up gaining hundreds of pounds, I’m fine with staying where I’m at, even if it means I’m pretty chunked out. I’m still going to bounce too, as it keeps me fit. I am in totally awesome shape. I have great strength, and stamina and am fairly flexible for my age. Because I have a lot of fat, though, it’s hard to tell how muscular I really am.

Just when I thought there’d never be any more, there were 16 downloads within my Barbie and fashion doll album.

Later…

Just finished workout 3 of 4. I’m doing a total of 2 hours a day. Since the mini sticks burn for half an hour I bounce to one of those to keep my time while I play MP3s. I know it’s a lot of exercise to maintain the same overweight weight, but if I sit on my ass and do nothing, I’ll be an inch wider each month.

At least I’ve sorted through the facts and myths throughout both my experience and research. I know for one that it’s bullshit to say you can do or take things to speed up your metabolism any more than you can change your shape. If we could change our shapes, we could change our heights. We can make slight alterations, but that’s about it. Boyish figures simply don’t become curvy and curvy figures don’t suddenly become lanky. Once we’re full-grown, we’ve pretty much developed whatever shape we’re going to be.

Paula’s off probation next month, but knowing her, it’ll just be a matter of time before she’s right back on it. Paula’s crimes of violence are anything but framed or trumped up. She’s the genuine article, I’m afraid. Massachusetts may be mild compared to Arizona, but still, the system doesn’t get it. It just doesn’t get it. You can’t force help on those who don’t want to be helped and you can’t make people change their ways. It’s human nature to rebel against dictatorship, so the more you try to boss people around, the more they’re going to rebel. It’s not mostly about change and rehabilitation as far as the system goes anyway; it’s about power and control.

If all goes well I’ll have my supplies tomorrow and will hear from Ricki some time during the week, too.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Got one number today and yesterday I don’t know what I got because I accidentally lost the numbers I picked. I’ve been doing a copy/paste job lately before closing the window that displays them.

Amazingly I haven’t heard any flying for a few days, but they did wake me up a few days ago. I pretty much wake up once or twice every time I sleep, be it for a reason or not. I just don’t seem to always sleep so well in this place.

Like Mary said, it’s a shame to lose the house, but we’re ready to go so we won’t be so tight. I’m also sick of all the damn dogs and the foul odors. I just hope the new people are as nose deaf to them as Tom is! It seems to be worse at certain times and I know it’s somehow connected to the heat pump. Either way, I’m just glad it’s not going to be my problem for much longer unless the same thing happens where we’re going.

I’m just tired of other people deciding our fate for us. Because that cock had to go and fuck Tom over at the bank, we’re forced to move now. Again, we’re ready to go, but we should’ve been allowed to go when we say so and not when someone else’s vindictiveness says so. This is one of the many reasons I disagree with Mary when she says we control our own fate. As I told her, sure we do if we’re dumb enough to stand in the middle of a freeway and get struck by a car in which case we have no one to blame but ourselves, but sometimes, like it or not, other people or God really do make up our minds for us. They really do. If someone gets and dies of cancer, is that them deciding their own fate? If someone gets murdered by some madman, did they reap what they sowed? Did a poor innocent victim like Gretchen ask for what she got? Absolutely not, in my opinion! So this is why I was shocked when Mary wrote in her book that we give what we get and reap what we sow and decide our own fates. To a degree, we do decide our own fates, but not entirely. Also, if we get what we give, then why did Justin return her love with slaps, kicks, punches and rapings? Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t “ask for” the kind of parents I had or for what the freeloaders did to me and I don’t think Mary asked for what Justin did to her! That would just be totally unfair to say. She should’ve broken away from him sooner than she did just like I should’ve cut off my family sooner than I did what with the way they were such a negative influence on me, but to say we asked for what we got seems a bit ludicrous.

She also says we’re responsible for the things that happen to us and that to me is utterly ridiculous. Again, were Gretchen and all the other innocent children in the world who were murdered responsible for what happened to them?

The biggest thing I disagree with is how she said that the more we disconnect from God, the more we invite chaos and pain. Then why did she go through more chaos and pain than anyone else I know all the while being very connected to God, and how come my life improves the more I turn away from him? Especially since I feel I’m turning away from an enemy. My life may not be perfect and I know I can’t “hide” from God, but I still feel a lot happier and much more at peace by not going out of my way to acknowledge him. I have no faith or trust in him and could never forgive him for allowing me to experience just one of the horrendous experiences I’ve had, let alone all of them. I could never again pray to him and would be very nervous if someone else did on my behalf.

I love Mary dearly and would never try to change her way of thinking or condemn her for her beliefs in any way shape or form, but you just can’t group everyone together and apply the same rules to everyone. It just doesn’t work that way.

I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to think, feel and believe as long as we’re not hurting others. I don’t think it’s wrong, for example, to be a racist any more than I think it’s wrong not to be one. I say to each their own. Non-racists can call racists “misguided,” but it’s just as easy for racists to say, “Hey, until you’ve been screwed over like crazy by a certain group, don’t judge me.” So this is why I believe in individuality as far as beliefs go. If someone hates my kind, and believe me, the world is filled with tons of Jew-haters and gay-haters – fine. I don’t care as long as they don’t go to harm me in any way or set out to try to change me.

Anyway, I did some drafts for Mary last night which was cool cuz it broke up the monotony of the same old, same old, and I didn’t feel like working on my own book at the time.

Her latest favor was to translate a letter she wrote for Maria, José’s mom, as well as teach her more Spanish, and at first I was like, shit, another favor? But then I realized it’d be good practice for me so I translated the letter, and pretty fast, too. Not bad at all for a girl who grew up in an all-white Jewish town.

As for teaching her more Spanish, I told her that’d be rather difficult to do by mail and to just use the basic vocabulary and pronunciation guide I typed up for her for now.

I guess the appetite suppressants work better than I gave them credit for. After all, I’m not hungry all the time and I haven’t been overeating. I can even skip days and still be ok.

The water pump people say they screwed up and are still planning to send the damn thing via UPS, but of course we couldn’t get a discount. And profit from someone else’s mistake? That’ll be the day!

Although Little Buddy didn’t win anything, they sent mail saying he is going to be in their coffee table book which is due to be out in June. I also permitted them to give others permission to license his picture if they want to, though, I can’t imagine anyone would. If they did, I’d get royalties.

Tom did our taxes online and was pleased to learn that we’ll be getting back almost $800 from the government and will only owe the state $9. We’re thinking of setting it aside to put money down on land somewhere while we’re selling the house so that we won’t have to be holed up in a hotel as long. We both agree that we’re tired of living in a wide-open oven and would prefer to go to a place with more mountains and trees, so it looks like the moving vibes I knew I couldn’t trust in the first place, may be wrong. We may end up in northern AZ, but I can’t yet say for sure. The only drawback to a place like that would be that we couldn’t have a phone because the cell phones wouldn’t work there and we’d be too far from any phone lines. This is a little unnerving in case of a medical emergency, but as Tom pointed out, you could have an emergency two blocks from a hospital and still not get there in time to be helped, so it doesn’t really matter. I already made up my mind a long time ago; when it’s my time to go, it’s my time to go, and if he goes first, I’m just gonna hop on into the enclosed garage I hope we’ll have, jump in the car, fire it up, and fall into an endless sleep that not even the sonic boomers can wake me from. Hey, it’d be better than hanging or shooting myself.

Anyway, we’ll probably purchase the land on eBay and get the realtor out here next month. I definitely don’t want to stay here and watch him work 2 jobs at 60 or more hours a week to barely make ends meet and to have no life while he’s at it. So I’m both sad and excited about us moving on. If you ask me, there are both pros and cons to leaving/staying in AZ. I’m all for leaving, I’m all for staying. As long as Tom and I are together, I don’t care where we live as long as it isn’t in the Arctic!

I can’t lie and say it wouldn’t make me happy to be further away from Phoenix which is where I assume Mary will live when she gets out.

Tom left a message on his mom’s machine asking if she needs her taxes done cuz that’ll get us a few extra bucks right there, even if it’s not much.

Now for the best news and that’s my supplies arrived! They might’ve come in yesterday, but he got to the PO too early. I’m not even going to tell Paula about this cuz then I’ll have to deal with the gimme, gimme, gimme shit and that gets old. There’s a time to do for others without expecting in return, then there’s a time to ask ourselves if we’re being taken advantage of.

Anyway, it was so cool to finally have the stuff, and sure enough, blank sticks look just like tan-colored sticks. They turned brown the instant we doused them with fragrance/cutter. We experimented by trying different ratio mixtures, like 1 eyedropper full of fragrance and 1 eyedropper full of cutter, then we’d do 2 fragrances/1 cutter, and 1 fragrance/2 cutters. We did this with the vanilla musk. With the White Shoulders, however, we simply dipped a bundle. Then, we did a really neat experiment and coated half of 5 different sticks with brown sugar and let them sit for a few hours. Then we doused the other half in butter rum. That ought to be so cool! I can see why they don’t sell mixed sticks, though, as it was quite a bit of work.

I lit a blank and it burned the way scented sticks do, only it smelled of smoke. So somebody can expect a prank blank real soon!

We really are slow at times, though. Here we were, trying to drain them in the pan we dipped them in, yet they’d continue to soak up what would drain to the bottom. So then Tom started to put together a rather intricate way to hang them, till I suggested we run a string along the little hooks under the cabinets and clip the bundles to that and then let them drip into the pan. After we went through all that was when we realized that all we needed to do was just stand them on the stick end that you handle them by. At least we figured that one out early on!

After several hours of air drying, we decided to try and light one to see what happened. It definitely wasn’t ready as it was burning too fast and too smoky.

We also agree it probably won’t be good to use anything alcohol based because that’d make it burn too fast too, but we’d still like to try to make our own scents out of some kind of plants.

I’m going to end up with about 50 favorites, but until we move and are doing better financially, we’re not going to get them all at once. At an average of $4 for a ¼ lb. bottle, they’d all cost $200. We also don’t want to start selling too many different ones until and if the people demand more and it looks like we’ll be more successful with it than anticipated. For now we’re going to start with 3 basic variety packs that I’ve tentatively decided shall consist of 4 or 5 sticks of 5 fragrances each. Variety pack #1 will be vanilla musk, fruit, butter rum, brown sugar and chocolate. Variety pack #2 will be jasmine, carnation, cedar, magnolia and gardenia. Variety pack #3 will be angel, hot love, black magic, Puddy Cat, and fast cash. We decided that 10 sticks for $1.50 is too high, so we’ll probably set the variety packs, which will include burners, at $5 each. Then, if they like a particular scent, they can get 10-packs for a buck. Technically, Tom did the math and found we could profit as low as 50¢.

The stuff comes in plastic bottles and we figure each one can do approximately 1000 or more sticks. Not bad for a few bucks. Fragrances can also be bought in ½ lb. and 1 lb. bottles as well.

I never would’ve believed it if someone had told me I’d get really into this stuff. Those who say life isn’t what we plan are right for the most part, and life really is one big accident. Especially since I stumbled upon their site quite by accident!

My weight has dropped again, though I still don’t expect it to drop significantly.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Just when I decided to call Ricki if I still hadn’t heard from her come the 1st, she emailed me. She said she could do Bailey’s dress up with no problem when I order her, but isn’t sure about Alexa’s. She says she’ll talk to her seamstress. Meanwhile, because her mother-in-law just had to die now of all times, Haiku will be delayed yet another couple of weeks, but oh well. At least I’ll get her eventually. Then I’ll just have to hope that her father-in-law doesn’t decide to go belly-up the instant I make my next order.

I got up just in time today as not long afterward there were a series of booms. Most were mild except for one.

Got one number today. It’s good that I’m getting something nearly every day, but I’d like to get a lot more than just one or two numbers!

We lit another stick and got the same results – it burned too fast and smelled too smoky. So this prompted us to try another experiment. What we did was we took the black pearl, which we haven’t used yet, and put some into one of their 2x12 zip-top bags and threw 5 sticks in it to soak overnight. Some sites even recommend a 24-hour soak.

Later…

Now we’re burning a stick of White Shoulders to see how long it burns, but it doesn’t smell anything like White Shoulders. It smells more like joy which is a flowery scent. At least it smells of something other than smoke and isn’t burning too fast. When it’s done I’m going to try one of my double-scented sticks.

We looked at more land for sale on eBay and discussed the pros and cons of being someplace as far from a city as we are now or even farther, and as I told him, no place is perfect. There are always going to be pros and cons wherever we go. Besides, look at my track record. There’s been a problem of one kind or another in all the places I’ve lived, so we just have to go for the place that seems like it’ll have fewer problems. You know, like the difference between trash-dumping neighbors hundreds of feet away, sprinkled with dogs running rampant and sonic booms, versus bass-banging, ball-thumping freeloaders a few feet away, sprinkled with a chorus of barking dogs. So no matter where we go, there’ll always be something.

I’m still hoping to head north. I want the privacy and sound-muffling of trees, and I want to be where there are fewer freeloaders.

At least we know that if worse came to ultimate worst, we could always grab an acre of land for about $500 and pitch a tent on it, and believe me, this is exactly what we’d do before we returned to the city!

What’s really scary is how a person can simply seize our house from us, which in a sense, is exactly what the cock that fired Tom is doing. It’s as scary as knowing a person can don a black robe and decide the fate of a perfect stranger. How is it that this one here can have so much power over what happens to us, while this one there can have so much influence in other areas of our lives? And people we barely know, too. I hate having so much of our lives dictated, molded and shaped by others! Others whose intentions aren’t usually good. It’s just really very unnerving to know that others can do that to us so easily and impact our lives in such horrible ways. Just how do others get such a hold on us even at our ages, while we ourselves could never affect anyone’s life a fraction of the degree they’ve affected ours even if we tried our damnedest? I’ve wished the cock that fired him the biggest, most fatal heart attack ever, and at least I know I can fight back by way of spells. That’s somewhat comforting to know, so I guess I can’t say we’re completely defenseless. I mean, we can’t necessarily stop others from doing whatever they’re going to do to us, but this black-nailed witch can make them deathly ill for it or worse!

Later…

My double-scented sticks aren’t ready yet. Just like with the White Shoulders we tried yesterday, it’s barely smoking, and what little smoke there is, smells of just that and not of butter rum. I think we’re just going to have to soak them longer, in which case double-scented sticks would be impossible. Whatever it is we’re doing wrong, I hope we figure it out! If not, we could always buy dipped wholesale incense. Their 100-packs are $2.25, and if we sold 10 for a buck, that’d still be a good profit.

Later…

We talked about it some more and decided that it may be easier and better if I got the incense that I intend to use for myself ready-dipped. That way I’ll know it’s going to smell exactly like theirs and we won’t have to worry about having to keep too many dipped sticks inventoried. If we do get any orders, they’re going to want theirs fresh too, and not to be told they have to wait a couple of weeks, so we’ll make theirs ourselves.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Got one of my double-scented sticks burning now, and now it smells of butter rum! Can’t wait till it gets down to the brown sugar part. I let it sit on the vent for a couple of hours to help dry it faster. So now we know that when it’s not yet ready, it’ll be all smoke and no scent and will burn too fast.

I guess I could soak these half-breeds, as I call them, by placing one end in one scent that goes halfway up the stick, then doing the same in another scent for the other side of the stick.

Later…

The transition of scents was cool! I ran and lit one of their brown sugars in the other room and went back and forth to compare. I think theirs is a little stronger. Same with the butter rum.

I’m now sampling the vanilla musk and it too, seems a little weak. Perhaps the way to get them stronger isn’t to add more fragrance, but to soak them longer like we are with the black pearl. This is probably why Incense Galore says it takes at least 5 days to process orders.

We still don’t know if it’s a ratio issue or about how long we soak it, but we’ll find out. Meanwhile, I’ve settled on my top 40 favorites which are: angel, baby powder, black cherry, black Henry, black magic, black narcissus, booty call, brown sugar, bump & grind, butt naked, butter rum, carnation, cedar, cherry vanilla, chocolate, Choctaws mono, cranberry, escape, fast cash, fruit, gardenia, grape, hibiscus, honey, honey musk, hot love, jasmine, love supreme, magnolia, majmua, pear, puddy cat, pussy, rose geranium, sexy, sun moon stars, vanilla musk, watermelon, white diamond & white linen.

Later…

Well, I haven’t psyched out the lottery, though I got 1 number, but Tom and I sure have been stealing points like crazy! It appears they’ve got a problem with one of their site offers. See, Memolink has a handful of offers every day, most of which earn you 1 point for checking out. After you’ve clicked on a particular offer, it disappears from the list of offers. However, there’s this jewelry site that’s not going away, so we’ve just been clicking and clicking away and racking up the points! Fortunately, he already had well over 1000 points and could get his to open in a separate window so as not to have to go through as many clicks as I do to quickly climb to 3000 and order a $15 Walmart card. I, on the other hand, have several more clicks and started from just under 1000. It takes like 2-3 minutes for me to accumulate 10 points, so who knows if I’ll hit 3000 tonight which is what it takes to get the prize. The prize is only worth 2400 points, but they won’t let you cash in on anything without a minimum of 3000 points.

I wonder – is it me who accidentally rigged the site psychically, or is it an error on their part? I’d guess it’s their mistake because we can do it on both computers, which means thousands of people must’ve spent hours getting point-happy as well, in which case they’ll probably take the points away.

Tom says we don’t have to worry about getting in any trouble as they’re responsible for their own site. It’d be one thing to hack in and alter the points, but if I’m psychically influencing it or it’s their mistake, we’re not going to get in trouble. I know they have had problems, though, because it says there are 3 surveys available, yet when I click on that link it says there are no surveys.

I wonder how long it’ll be before they either catch on or the offer goes away. They don’t stay there forever if you ignore them or, as in this case, they won’t go away after you’ve been there once.

One thing I know and that’s that I couldn’t kill my uterus, though my period is quite light. Still, it hardly seems fair for a woman who chooses life over kids (though it was never really my choice to make) to have to get periods. I mean what a waste! I wish I could go to a doctor, as much as I’m sick of them and don’t trust them, and say, “I don’t need my plumbing. Take it out.”

We’re soaking the half-breeds in a bag for 24 hours to make them stronger, though we can only do one scent this way, and we took the weak vanilla musks and are soaking those in bags for that long, too. Meanwhile, the black pearl is hanging to dry. As for the White Shoulders, we bagged half of them and left out the other half to see if they weaken or dry up faster when left out.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Got 2 numbers this time around. The stupid idiots are so screwed up! The box that displays the numbers I chose for the next drawing wouldn’t display the numbers this time around, so again I won’t know if I got anything in tomorrow’s draw. Still, I’ve been getting something nearly every day and that’s hopeful.

They haven’t taken my points away, but they took that offer out. Now I supposedly have 5 surveys, but when I went and looked, there was only 1 survey. 10 points just to tell them which gender I am! Anyway, I could only stand to click up to 1925 points, but that’s about 1140 more points in just one day!

Someone’s been playing email games with Tom. We’re pretty sure it’s just scammers looking for money, but they claim that it’s got to do with someone who knows him. I just hope that if anyone has any shit in mind to pull on us that they don’t do it till we leave, for both our sakes. I also hope we get out of here before anything breaks like the appliances. I know they’re under warranty and that all we’d have to do is call GE out, but who needs the hassle?

Anyway, due to the move being as inevitable as it is, I no longer see this house as home but as a nice place we’re staying in till we move.

Fortunately, today’s rumbles were mild, according to Tom, so I slept just fine. Some weird sound woke me up the day before yesterday, though, for a few minutes. I think the not sleeping as well in this house is connected to both the evil that resides here as well as the openness. We can hear big trucks miles away. This is why I want woods. I want it for the privacy and to block sound.

I don’t trust any of my moving vibes. Meaning that we might actually be out of here before April, and I don’t know about the $135,000 or moving to the other side of Casa Grande either. In fact, both my logic and vibes are saying more and more that we’re not going to end up there, though we still may be somewhere in AZ. Still, I don’t trust my vibes that much when it comes to this because it’s not something I have a whole lot of experience with. As it is, Tom never got a job on the 29th, though that was the day we began making incense.

I’m just really glad that cock didn’t fire him shortly after we moved here cuz we’d have been totally, totally screwed with no money with which to move. Thank God that God doesn’t hate us that much!

Still, I have always felt that something didn’t want us here and I just hope to hell that wherever we go is a much better place. Something obviously wants a radical change for us. A change of job and a change of residence, so all I can do is just hope that something’s simply guiding us to better things/places and not out to screw us in the end.

I asked Tom if he’d go to a doctor or just live with it if he couldn’t lose weight and he said he didn’t know since that’s such a hard thing for him to imagine happening to him. That’s exactly what I would’ve said till it happened to me. I’m still not sure whether or not to give up food forever and just live on liquids and vitamin supplements to try to stay the same, let myself gain like crazy which seems to be what my body would prefer, or see some quack about it when we’re insured. I doubt I’ll go for the quack, though, and I still say I’m not going to get any thinner anymore than I’m going to get any younger.

Got a letter and drafts from Mary. She says she’s looking forward to the story where I bring the pictures to life, which was nice to hear. Yes, I still do plan to do this story after I finish the whodunit story I’m currently working on. It’s going to be a very hard story to construct as it’ll be quite sci-fi compared to anything I’ve ever written before, so be patient, I told her. Between its complexity and the upcoming move, it could take me the rest of the year to complete. I’m going to do a lot of reality-turned-bullshit throughout the story. I’ll have met her in jail, for example, just like in real life, but she’ll already be out and will be a famous writer. I used to want 1 kid, so why not make it lots of kids and have them, too? I don’t know if I’ll use Tom in the story because he’s too real, in a sense. It’s not that she’s any less real, but look how long I’ve known him compared to her and what our relationship is as opposed to hers and mine. Still, I think it’ll be a fun story to write. The next few months might be quite hectic what with the move and all, but I’ll get it done eventually.

She says she’s so different and that she likes different which I was glad to hear. To tell you the truth, though, she seems quite normal compared to me! I always thought I was quite a unique one, though I know there are certainly others out there who are even more unique than I am. Either way, this is why I always felt so comfortable with her; she doesn’t condemn or ridicule me for my ways.

Stamped on the front of her envelope it said “23¢ postage due,” yet it was in our box. Still, she might want to be careful, as I told her, and keep it to an 8-sheet limit per envelope.

I was also glad to hear she was over her cold and that I could help speed it along for her. I regularly concentrate on her hernia too, hoping to get her to avoid surgery.

The water pump is due to arrive via UPS on Monday which means I’ll have to sleep with the fan on high that day. Their trucks are super loud. It still might wake me up anyway but will be worth it if it does. They haven’t taken the money for it yet, so we’re hoping they swipe the satellite money first so we can run and close out the account, which we plan to do anyway and save ourselves $50.

I was surprised to wake up to find the leaves were already starting to unfurl on my big leaf plant. I thought the shoots were going to get a lot taller before they opened. Every time I think I’ve got this plant figured out, it surprises me.

We’re still trying various experiments with the incense. We got a few weird ones going right now. We’re soaking an uncut butter rum, a stick dipped in imitation vanilla extract and even my butter pecan coffee creamer! We’re hoping to find an easier way to make half-breeds as it would really set us apart from the rest! Tom thought we might use the kind of wax I used when I had braces to keep the two scents from mixing while we stood it up to air dry.

I emailed Bob at Incense Galore and asked his method, but he said it’s a secret he doesn’t divulge and that he’s even refused companies who have offered to pay him for his incense-making secret. Instead, he said that the most common way is a 50/50 ratio with a 24-hour soak and a 24-hour air dry. Nothing we didn’t already know.

He also said the angel oil is $12 a pound, but that he just hadn’t gotten around to getting it on the site yet.

[rolotouto]

February~May Lost Stories

I posted about the main story's progression around a month ago, but haven't been translating month-exclusive lines since January. This video includes those and, at the end, a short scene with glasses!Rolo and Sayoko:

Login Bonus line: Rolo: Today you did come to school, I see. You seem to be skipping classes often, so why is that? I would like to ask you the reason... I think I got this one before February, but didn't know when to post it. I'm not sure whether the lines that you get each day you log in are random or not, but Rolo barely ever shows up... despite me opening the app with the screen recorder on just in case each single day Home lines: Rolo: Excuse me... didn't you have business with me?

According to a guild member, this line started showing up in January. It actually jumpscared me a little the first time I saw it, because this one isn't month-exclusive or anything, it's just an extra line he now says sometimes even though he never did for half a year, as far as I know? (February - Regular Rolo) Rolo: Ahh... My hands feel numb from the cold. Maybe I should put on some motorcycle gloves or something... (February - Sailor Rolo) Rolo: Ahh... It's cold and my hands feel numb. Come to think of it, Brother's skin is sensitive, so I should prepare some gloves for him...

I always check for variations between Regular and Sailor!Rolo, and February did have a small difference! Not just here, but overall, Sailor!Rolo seems to care about Lelouch more openly.

(Setsubun [3rd February]) Rolo: "Devils out, fortune in"... Remove the things that get in the way and secure what is useful... Ah, no. It's nothing. It's not Rolo's fault that the world around him keeps reaffirming the need to 'remove things that get in the way'!

(Valentine's Day [14th February]) Rolo: A female student suddenly shoved chocolates at me, but what am I supposed to do with this...?

Might be a plural ("female students"). I wonder if that girl was looking for Rolo during Turn 12... (March) Rolo: Apparently, the student council's workload increases during this time of the year. Brother looks really busy, doesn't he... (April)

Rolo: I passed near some cherry blossoms in full bloom, but it was inconvenient how there were so many petals falling down. Can you check if I have any stuck to my head or back? Guess he isn't enthusiastic about flowers after all?

(May)

Rolo: It's getting a lot warmer, isn't it? Perhaps because of this, I often see students dozing off during class.

--- Before translating the last part of the video, I just wanted to mention that, during April Fool's, there was a short scene upon logging in which focused on Jeremiah offering to form the Orange Knights to assist Lelouch-sama. Lelouch simply responds "Rejected," and although the scene could have ended with only Jeremiah and Lelouch showing up, for some reason Rolo is there too, just to add another "Rejected, yes."

--- Back to the video: Sayoko: Rolo-sama. Zero-sama headed towards Area 11 before us just a moment ago. Rolo: Before us...? Sayoko: Indeed. He had an important matter, he said... Rolo: (An important matter... One that is a secret even to me?) Sayoko: Now, I will confirm Zero-sama's orders again. Our unit will infiltrate the Area 11 Government Office and secure the target immediately. Priority number one is to secure the custody of Governor Nunnally. Number two is to rescue Kallen Kouzuki. Number three is... Rolo: Sayoko. There's no need to confirm something so obvious. For Zero's sake, failure isn't allowed. That's all there is to it. Sayoko: Understood. Well then, let us go. Rolo: ... --- Sayoko is as dense at grasping Rolo's personality here as she was when she figured Lelouch would totally be the type to date 100+ girls. And as you can see, Turn 19 is around the corner. We might get a Rolo alt announced around the 29th May (or, if the next chapter only adapts Turn 18, then by the end of June, I assume).

[wasted-my-time]

The Ballad of Janie and Billy

Part 3:

You can't choose your family

Warnings: Mention of child molestation, murder, drinking, smoking, swearing, and a shitload of angst.

Sorry about so much dark stuff, but I'm writing a story inspired by a) a song about a girl killing her father in response of abuse and b) another song about a boy getting in trouble with New York gangsters, so it can't be very shiny.

Bernard Gray, private detective, read the sign over the front door in which they walked. Inside, on greyish beige walls were two doors, one on their left, with an opaque glass window with office written in golden letters. The other one was right in front of them, but was made of plain wood and led to Bernie's apartment.

-Get in, I'm here. Called a raspy voice with a British accent from the office.

-Your family is from England? Janie asked him in a whisper.

-Kind of...

They got into a rectangular waiting room with a few wooden chairs and (then again) two similar doors, one on their right, the opening to a bathroom for the customers' benefits. The other one, across the room, also to their benefits, was the entrance to what was (in their minds, at least) a place where they could let go of their torments and where a skilled man would begin the investigation to solve their problems. In the facts, it was nothing more than a desk buried with various sheets of paper, only leaving place for an ashtray and a notebook. Behind it, was an armchair (with the expected saviour sitting in it) and a mini-bar, in front were two chairs with padded seats and armrests.

-Din't know I was going to have a visitor, I should have done some cleaning! Bernard joked.

-It's alright Mr. Gray. Janie reassured him with a shy smile as they both took place in the chairs.

-So, the two of you got in trouble apparently? He asked Billy.

-Yes, a lot. We need your advice and maybe a place to sleep tonight.

-Good, minus the fees, I will proceed like I do with any customer: Tell me the story from the very beginning.

Knowing that Janie would probably not want to tell the story herself, Billy took the lead:

-When she was el...

-No, if it happened to her, I want her to tell me.

Janie felt her heart stop for a split second as she made a terrified eye contact with Billy, waiting for some kind of an approval, which came with a small nod.

-... Well, it all began when...

-Sorry love, I gotta go, I'll be right back, okay. Her boyfriend interrupted her before leaving the room.

His guts were twisted with guilt, from leaving her alone at that very moment, but also from his inaction when she told him about it. As he locked the bathroom's door and leaned himself on the sink, he didn't dare to look up at the mirror.

Taking a deep breath, he thought about the story she was telling his uncle and the very moment he learned about it: The cold blue skies of January, just like her eyes, an horrible tale on a beautiful day...

-Why are you hiding your wrists? He asked her as they drived across the city in one of her father's car.

-... How did you guess it? She asked with resignation.

-It's my job to know what people don't want me to know.

-Alright, I'll explain, but park the car first.

He did as he was told and they ended up in some shop's parking lot.

Slowly, way too slowly, she rolled up her sleeves, revealing bruises going around her wrists like two greenish blue snakes.

-What happened?! Who did this to you?!

She held his gaze for a few seconds before her eyes started to fill with tears.

-...My father.

He reached across the car to hold her into tight a hug, unable to say anything, killed by the shame of not having noticed anything even if they have been dating for a year.

-He, he beats you? Billy asked in her ear.

-No, this time is an exception, usually, it is more about, well... You... You know.

Tell me now it's untrue, what did her daddy do?¹ He jacked a little bitty baby, The man has got to be insane They say the spell that he was under The lightning and the thunder Knew that someone had to stop the rain.

She didn't want to say the word, but he guessed it the very second she mentioned it was because of her father.

He pulled away from her to be able to look at her in the eyes.

-Usually? You mean he does it regularly?! He exclaimed before suddenly calming down. If you don't want to answer or talk about it, it's alright.

-No, I think it's time someone actually listens to me: It all started when my mother died, when I was eleven years old. At the beginning, it was more about... He was, he was touching me, but when I turned thirteen, it got... Worse.

-Have you told anybody else about it?

-Yes, my aunt, his sister. All she said was that I was exaggerating and that I shouldn't go to the police because my father is protecting us from being in need of anything and that it would be bad for the business...

Money².

-What a fucking bitch! Billy screamed, flabbergasted by what he heard.

-You couldn't be more right. But I didn't listen to her, and last week, I went to the cops. It didn't take fifteen minutes after I said my father's name for him to be there to pick me up. When we got home, he yelled at me for half an hour, I swear I never saw him that angry. The whole time he was holding me by the wrists so hard I thought he was going to break them.

Fear².

By that point they were both laying back in their seats, holding hands and not daring to look at each other, her sobs punctuating the heavy silence.

-Do you want me to... Take care of him.

-Like killing him? No, he would deserve it, but you would probably end up thrown from some skyscraper in retribution.

-Worth it!

-No, not worth it! It is not how problems are solved!

-Maybe not for you, but The Old Man wouldn't hesitate for a second before getting rid of someone.

-Precisely! I am not like him and don't want to be! Besides, it is MY problem and I don't want YOU to die because of it. She cried. So don't do anything stupid.

-Don't worry my Angel. He whispered and kissed her forehead.

When his mind got back to the blue-ish green bathroom, he finally looked up, almost surprised to see his reflection in the mirror.

-Come on, put yourself together. How do you think she feels right now? He ordered himself.

He walked back into the office to discover his girlfriend and his uncle each with a glass of alcohol, Janie holding her empty one with shaky hands and Bernie having almost finished his. It was one of his bad habit to make the clients drink when they didn't speak enough, it was also the perfect opportunity for him to have a sip.

-You didn't give her your damned Canadian moonshine, at least? He criticized before lighting a cigarette with the zippo laying by the ashtray.

-Of course I did, it's the best liquid courage I have. So where were we, Miss Spencer?

-As I said, I went to the police about four months ago, and somehow nothing... Nothing bad happened during that time so I started to feel a little bit more comfortable, but when I came home after school today...

The second she entered the house she knew something was odd: Nobody was around. Usually the cleaning lady came around on Friday afternoons and at that time of the day Mary should have been in the kitchen preparing the diner, but both were nowhere to be seen.

-Janie, is it you? Come up here darling! She heard her father's voice call from upstairs.

She froze in place as she understood what was going on, again.

-No, no, no, no. She whispered to herself, on the verge of panic.

Slowly, she climbed up the wooden stairs, looking for a way to gain time. As she entered his room she hid her hands behind her back not to show him how awfully they were shaking.

As expected, he was wearing his white silk bathrobe, and probably nothing else, the only sight of him in that attire disgusted her.

Bathrobe, bathroom, she thought as her eyes moved to the door leading to the adjacent bathroom.

-I have to use the toilet first, please. She asked, doing her best for her voice not to break mid-sentence.

-Make it fast, he answered coldly.

Almost running to the other room, she locked the door behind her and slowly let her back slide against the door until she reached the cold tiles of the floor, then pulled herself to sit on the closed toilet lid a few feet away.

Her elbows rested on her knees as she took her head in her head and ran her fingers in her hair, as to pull the solution out of her scalp.

That's when her father's holster caught her eye full of tears.

It was laying on top of his clothes, which he left on the vanity after putting on his bathrobe. She got up and walked to it, as if it attracted her.

An innocent invitation to murder, or worse.

-Me, or him? She whispered to herself, as if her reflection in the mirror would decide her faith.

Taking the gun out of its leather shell and taking out the safety, she knew she had to do it, that it was the only way to make it stop.

She also knew she was going to outlive her persecutor.

She put the gun back by the sink and started undoing her blouse's buttons, then tucked the weapon in her left armpit and squeezed it in place so that it wouldn't move from there. She then closed her shirt and pulled the fabric in all possible direction in order to hide the revolver as well as she could.

A racing heart, weak legs, hands even shakier than before, her fakest smile, and a stiff left arm was all she had when she stepped out of the bathroom.

She could feel his eyes staring at her as she walked to the side of the bed, where one should have found pride and paternal love, lust was the only thing she found for the last six years.

With her back to him, she opened her blouse just enough so that she could reach for the handle, then turned around, and then...

What did her daddy do?¹ It's Janie's last I.O.U. She had to take him down easy and put a bullet in his brain She said, "'Cause nobody believes me, the man was such a sleaze" He ain't never gonna be the same

And then the last six years were over.

-After, that, what did you do? The detective asked

-There was so much blood, I mean, everywhere! So I, I got towels from the bathroom and put them under his head, so the mattress wouldn't be full of it.

-It was the first time you used a revolver?

She nodded stiffly.

-Can I ask what kind of a gun it was?

-Smith and Wesson, I think it was a 44. Magnum. She answered, then held out aforementioned gun for confirmation.

-Good Lord, there was probably not much left of him! Bernie chuckled, causing Billy to sigh in embarrassment.

But what he couldn't know was that his uncle was proud of her, given the size and kickback of the revolver, it was a miracle she could have hit her target in only one shot.

Without bothering about the discutable hint humor, she added the last details to her story.

-After that I called Billy, 'cause I he already knew the story and would know what to do and believed me and... And... Forget it. Her voice broke into a weeping sigh.

And because I love him and he loves me and I knew he would help me and he deserved to know the truth, not some lie my family would have told to everyone. She thought as he gently squeezed her hand and stroke it with his thumb.

-So how did you get rid of him?

Billy explained the way they disposed of the corpse and sheets.

-Although it was probably not in his funeral arrangements, you did a good job. His uncle nodded with irony.

-Did you park the car at the back of the building? He added a last question.

-Of course.

-Well, there is not much else you can do for tonight, let's go upstairs an' have dinner, you can sleep here tonight if you want to.

-A thousand thanks, Mister Gray. Janie said.

-You can call me Bernie. He smiled to her.

-------------------------------------------------------Janie expected to find a place screaming "OLD BACHELOR" when she thought about Bernard's appartment, and it was only half false. The small dining table indicated that he lived alone, the walls were of that same monotone color as downstairs and if you knew the inhabitant, you would notice that every single object sat in place exactly as he liked, never to be disturbed.

On the other hand, it was enlightened by paintings, all sceneries, it was almost like the apartment had windows both on the city's streets and on rural landscapes.

Billy's uncle was also not half bad of a cook: His beef bourguignon was probably the best she ever tasted.

-So, what's your plan, for tomorrow, for... The future? Said cordon bleu asked them.

-....We don't really know, I guess we will hide in town as long as we can, or something like that. Janie answered with hesitation.

-Yeah, someone probably found the corpse. So we won't stay here more than one night, that's for sure. Maybe we'll squat some abandoned place down south.

She noticed Bernard flinched a bit at the mention of their housing perspectives.

-You're right, you have to keep moving... But watch out, there are all kinds of people in those buildings. He commented with a tone which seemed to imply a lot more to him and his nephew.

Billy's only answer was a small nod and a sad face. Willing to redirect the conversation, Janie said the first thing that came to her mind:

-So you are the brother of Billy's mom, right?

-In fact, he's not my uncle by any means, it's just simpler to tell people...

-I think I'm gonna let you tell that story by yourself, kid. The supposed uncle escaped the table and gathered the now empty plates to take them to the adjacent kitchen.

And it is one long story, so it will be for the next chapter...

___________________________________________

Lyrics from Janie's Got a Gun by Aerosmith.

See previous chapter.

Coming up next; The Ballad of Janie and Billy Part Four: Genesis.

[mercurygguk]

what a man gotta do? | kth

genre; established relationship au, fluff

pairing; kim taehyung x female reader

summary; what a man gotta do when his girlfriend is insanely adorable when she’s drunk and doesn’t take no for an answer?

word count; 2,488

warnings; mentions of alcohol, a tiny bit of swearing, just soft tae and oc being a cute ass couple that i really adore

a/n; saw a text quote on tumblr, my brain popped an idea. this is it. also, i know nothing about gaming, so if anything i’ve written doesn’t make sense, just ignore it lol. please love it a lot and enjoy!! ps. please tell me what you think, thanks x

There is something so oddly pleasing about having the entire apartment to oneself on a Friday evening. Taehyung has been looking forward to this evening for a week and it is finally here. An entire evening for himself with his gaming console, his friends in his headphones and a big bowl of popcorn beside him. It’s quiet in the apartment as he sets up his gaming spot, fluffing the pillows and setting them up nicely on the couch so he can sit comfortably for the next many hours of nonstop gaming with his bestest friends.

The reason for his night alone is because his girlfriend’s (you) best friend just got promoted to a higher rank in the law firm she works at. She then went on to invite all her friends out for drinks which, of course, included you. Taehyung had fought to keep in his excitement when you had told him of your plans a week ago. You had eyed him down then, noticing the small exciting smile forming on his lips as he listened to your words carefully as if he actually cared. He was just overly excited to finally be able to have a gaming night without interruptions. And it’s not that he wants to sound ungrateful or like he enjoyed that you weren’t at home. He loved spending his Friday nights cuddled up with you, hell, that was his favorite Friday nights. But he’s only a boy, really. And a boy has needs. Gaming needs.

So he walks to the kitchen with a pep in his step as the microwave finishes with a loud ping! He pours the popcorn into a bowl and heads back to the couch where his gaming spot has been set up to perfection, everything in place and ready for him to have a relaxing night of games. He sits back in the mountain of pillows, sighing in content as he places the popcorn beside him before grabbing his headset. He sets it atop of his head, checking the sound and mic. Seconds later there’s an incoming call from his group of friends. 

He picks up with a grin on his face. “Hey guys!”

Seokjin gasps from the other end. “What the hell? Got a night off from the wife?”

Taehyung scoffs and rolls his eyes playfully, a small smile on his lips. “She’s out for drinks,” he explains, “best friend got promoted.”

“Em got promoted?” Jimin then asks, just now hearing about the news of his long-time crush.

A smirk appears on Taehyung’s face. “Yeah, like a week ago. She didn’t tell you?”

Jimin falls silent at his question. Taehyung wants to tell his best friend to get out of his misery and just ask the girl out. He’s a hundred percent sure she’d say yes within a heartbeat. In fact, when Em is here visiting you and Taehyung, she talks about Jimin more often than she’d ever admit.

“Just ask her out already!” Seokjin groans annoyed, causing Jimin to tell him to ‘fuck off’. Taehyung grins, having missed gaming and talking with his friends like this. He saw them a few days ago in person which was nice too, but gaming with them is just so different and fun. It’s been a long time since he has had the opportunity to game for an entire night with Seokjin and Jimin.

“Well,” Taehyung captures the attention of his two best friends, “shall we get started?”

And that’s how the next three hours pass. There’s bickering, arguing because Seokjin didn’t manage to cover for Taehyung which caused Taehyung to get killed. “Come on, hyung! You were supposed to cover for me!”

Seokjin sighs deeply on the other end, calming his temper. “You think I’m a mind reader? How was I supposed to know you’d-”

Taehyung’s phone starts vibrating in his pocket. He pulls the phone from his pocket to look at the caller-id. Your photo flashes across his screen, the wide smile on your face on a snowy day in December. A photo Taehyung snapped one day before Christmas, a day you had dragged him outside and into the snow. The first snow in Seoul in years and you had been so happy that you couldn’t stop smiling, so Taehyung saw it fit to snap a photo of you with his vintage camera which he had brought along.

“Hyung, one second,” he cuts off Seokjin’s rambling, removing his headset to answer your call.

“Hey babe,” Taehyung greets who he thinks is you. He stills, confused as Em greets him back in a rather serious, tired-sounding tone. “Oh, hey Em, did something happen?”

Em sighs deeply. “____ is drunk off her ass. Can you come get her?”

Drunk of her ass? You haven’t been drunk off your ass in months, which is why you being drunk so drunk right now doesn’t come as a shock to him. It’s been a while since you went out drinking like you’ve done tonight, so your body has gotten used to not fighting alcohol. Taehyung runs a hand through his dark black hair, removing it from his eyes.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll come by. Where you at?”

With the information from Em, he hangs up and grabs his headset to put it back on. “Hey, guys, I gotta go.”

Jimin sounds like an unsatisfied child as he whines. Taehyung can imagine the pout. “What? Why?”

“Em just called,” he tells his best friend, “____ is drunk as hell. I have to go get her.”

Jimin mutters an ‘oh’ and so does Seokjin. They tell each other goodbye before Taehyung is shutting off his gaming console and heading for the front door. He grabs a coat from the closet in the hallway, throwing it over the white t-shirt and the green unbuttoned flannel he’s wearing. He jumps into a pair of boots and grabs his keys before heading out of the apartment. 

“Shit,” he swears under his breath as he steps outside, into the cold air of January. He takes long strides towards his car, getting in and turning the key in the ignition. The heat is immediately turned on before he pulls out of the parking lot, heading in the direction of the bar Em told him you’re at. “One night,” he mumbles lowly to himself as he slowly drives around the parking lot behind the bar to find an empty spot, “one freaking night.”

The bar is filled with people, some drunk and some just barely tipsy. The aura in there is happy, void of any worries these people might have on regular days. Taehyung skims the darkness of the bar, trying his best to spot you in the crowd. Soon enough his eyes zoom in on Em who’s waving at him. He glances to her right side, spotting you sitting there with your head resting on Em’s shoulder. You look like you’re passed out and Taehyung immediately finds himself worrying a bit more than he originally had. You never pass out, you just always end up being a slur who laughs a bit too much at anything you find funny in the moment.

“Hey,” Em greets Taehyung. He nods at her in a greeting as he stops in front of them, immediately squatting down to be at your level. He reaches out, brushing your hair out of your face. You look at him, eyes blank and unfocused as you take him in. Thank god, you’re not passed out, just closing your eyes for a few seconds for a short nap.

“Hi baby,” Taehyung coos, thumb brushing across your cheek. You smile sheepishly, a very soft and drunken smile. Your boyfriend has to stifle a laugh as you almost fall over as you sit up. He catches your shoulder with his warm palm, steadying you as he tries to catch your eyes with his own. “Wanna go home?”

You nod, not muttering a simple word other than a low hum as he helps you to your feet. You’re leaning against his chest, cuddling into the warmth of him as he talks to Em for a moment.

“Thanks for calling,” he tells her. 

Em nods with a grin and pats your shoulder as if to say goodbye. “Get her to bed,” she smirks, “she’ll have one hell of a hangover tomorrow.”

Taehyung chuckles and nods in agreement. He bids Em and your other friends goodbye before leaving the bar with you cuddled up against his chest. You’re stumbling alongside him, finding it rather difficult to stand on your own two feet.

“Baby,” Taehyung softly calls, “could you use your legs for a second? You’re way heavier when you’re not cooperating, you know?”

You mumble in response, nuzzling your body even closer to him. “I wuv y-you,” you hum, smiling with your eyes closed as you hug him tightly. The man holding you up can’t help but laugh at you, his heart swelling twice it’s size as you drunkenly confess how you feel for him. Even though he already knew that. Good thing it’s love confessions and not some other kind of confession that slips from your drunk mind.

Taehyung struggles to get you into the passenger seat but he manages. He helps you take a sip of the water bottle Em had gotten for you at the bar. Your head falls back against the headrest of the seat, eyes still closed and lips moving on in another round of mumbles and humming. Taehyung buckles you up before moving to his own seat behind the wheel. He glances at you as he ignites the car. You’re really a sight to see right now. Completely unfazed as you sit in a weird position in the passenger seat, your head lulling from side to side because you have absolutely no control over it at the moment.

“God, you’re drunk,” Taehyung sighs deeply, “let’s get you home.”

If Taehyung thought getting you in the passenger seat was hard, then he had another thing coming. Getting you out of the passenger, however, is a completely different ordeal and then getting you inside the apartment building and into the elevator was probably more exercise than Taehyung has ever done in one day. Ugh, he really hates going to the gym.

The front door is soon unlocked and you’re back home in the warmth of your shared apartment. After the elevator ride up, it’s almost as if you’ve sobered up again. You’re walking better, still holding onto Taehyung, but walking. You’re blabbering now, talking about how you and Em had tested who could drink the most shots in 30 seconds and who could chug a beer down the fastest. Taehyung listens with a small smile, shaking his head in amusement because this is so very much unlike you. But he’s happy you had fun with your friends.

“Oh, you should’ve seen the way I chugged down those shots,” you laugh, plopping down onto the couch as Taehyung kneels down to take off your shoes. “Em could not catch me at all!”

“I’m sure you were ace, baby,” Taehyung hums, grinning now because you’re way too cute when you’re drunk. He’s not even mad that you spoiled his gaming night because you’re too drunk to get home by yourself. This is a sight he would’ve hated to miss out on.

“My head hurts though,” you mumble, frowning. Taehyung matches your frown as he glances up at you while unclasping your heels from your feet.

Once your shoes are off, he gets back up. He cups your cheek, brushing a stray eyelash off it with the pad of his thumb. “Just gonna get a makeup wipe and some pills for your headache, okay? I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

You nod, smiling up at him. He pecks your forehead quickly before heading for the bathroom. Taehyung glances back at you to see you sitting there silently, wiggling your bare feet and hugging a pillow to your chest. He chuckles as he enters the bathroom to retrieve painkillers and a makeup wipe to clean your face. A few minutes after rummaging through the cabinets and the drawers, he exits the bathroom and heads back to you. He stops in his tracks when he notices you’re gone from your spot. He skims the living room, not finding you anywhere. What he does find though is something he hasn’t seen since he was like eight years old. Right there by the dining table behind the couch, you’re currently putting up a blanket fort, a wide grin on your face.

“Baby,” Taehyung catches your attention right away, “whatcha’ doing?”

You smile, looking back at the project you’ve started. “What does it look like I’m doing? It’s a blanket fort!”

Taehyung steps closer, nodding. “I can see that.”

It doesn’t take long for you to finish setting it up before you’re grabbing pillows from the couch, throwing them inside the blanket fort. You’re way too good at this. Something tells Taehyung that you’ve made a lot of these as a child. You emerge from the fort to motion at him, beckoning him to join you. “Come on,” you insist.

Your boyfriend looks at you as if you’ve lost your mind, when really, you’re just tipsy as hell. “____, shouldn’t we just go to bed? I mean, this is-”

“Just get in the fucking blanket fort.” 

Taehyung’s eyes widen as you stare back at him with hard eyes. “Alright,” he puts his hands up in surrender, painkillers in one and a makeup wipe in the other, “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

The hard stare turns into a wide, content smile and Taehyung seriously thinks he’ll get a whiplash from how fast you can switch between facial expressions. You’re already inside the blanket fort when Taehyung stands in front of the opening to it. He squats down, looking inside. It did look insanely inviting and cozy in there. You pat the spot next to you on the blanket, still smiling. Taehyung sighs as he knows you won’t give up until he’s inside your blanket fort. You really don’t take no for an answer.

“You’re lucky you’re adorable,” Taehyung shakes his head before crawling inside the fort, plopping down beside you. You lay on your side facing him with a grin. “I haven’t been in a blanket fort since I was eight.”

You laugh, reaching for his hand, intertwining your fingers. “Then we must make blanket forts more often.”

[tyongxnct]

𝐅𝐔 - 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐒𝐮𝐡

pairing: Johnny x reader

summary: You wanted to be all alone with your boyfriend on New Year’s Eve, but after a heavy fight, he left you before the clock struck midnight. You were all alone the whole night while he was with another woman. The woman he told you not to worry about. One day, after forgiving him for leaving you alone, you find out that she was texting him, that he cheated and you breakup. But breaking up with the love of your life was hard and you couldn’t stop yourself from loving him.

song: FU - Miley Cyrus

genre: established relationship, angst, smut

warnings: smut, cheating, swearing, alcohol consumption

word count: 5.7k

A/N: first of all thank you so so much for 900 followers!! You have no idea how happy and thankful I am. I hope you enjoy this!! 💖💖💖

taglist: @aesthetichrj @bvbyxuxi @bitchenderyy​ @chitaphrrrr​

this is fiction!

© tyongxnct on all platforms

Oh, you broke my heart I told you I was weak for love But then you went around And did what you wanted to do And now I'm crying, crying

“Don’t you fucking get it Y/n?! There’s nothing going on between me and her! Why are you always so fucking insecure?!”

“Are you being serious right now? I just-“

“Just what Y/n?! Huh?! Do you always have to ruin everything?! One night, one fucking night and you can’t keep your mouth shut! You’re so damn frustrating. It’s fucking New Year’s Eve and you just have to annoy the shit out of me!” Johnny yelled at you. He closed his eyes to calm down, but all he saw was red and he needed to go.

“But Johnny-“

“No! I don’t wanna hear anything. I’m leaving. Happy fucking new year.” He cut you off, he didn’t care about your feelings at that moment. All he wanted was fresh air and be far, far away from you.

“No please don’t go I’m sorry-“

You tried to apologize, but Johnny simply didn’t care.

It was almost midnight and you didn’t want the night to end like this. All you wanted was spend the night with Johnny. Just you, Johnny, wine, and a great dinner. This was your third New Year’s Eve with Johnny and your first New Year’s Eve alone with him. You had spent the last two years with your mutual friends at some party, but this year you wanted to be just with him.

Things escalated quickly.

First he was distracted, he was on his phone the whole dinner and then, while watching a movie he chose, he was also on his phone. Then, he got a phone call and was in your shared bedroom talking for almost an hour.

Your special night together suddenly turned to a shit night for you.

You were suspicious about his behavior. Always on his phone, always talking to someone and whenever you asked whom he was talking to he answered with a simple ‘a friend’.  But you knew exactly who that friend was and when you had enough, you confronted him about her.

Johnny left your apartment, he was slightly tipsy, the wine you drank was in his system and he knew that his next decision was stupid, so dumb and would destroy everything you had built, but in that moment, he didn’t care.

So his next move was to call her and ask her if she was free. It was New Year’s Eve, she was probably at some party or with her family, but she quickly dropped her friends and the party she was at to meet Johnny at her apartment.

The clock struck midnight and instead of kissing you, Johnny’s lips were on her lips and you were finishing the second bottle of wine. You sat on the balcony and watched the firework with tears rolling down your cheeks whereas your boyfriend was kissing another girl, pleasing another girl, and breaking his promises.

That night, you celebrated New Year’s Eve with tears in your eyes and pain in your heart.

Johnny woke up in the middle of the night.

He looked to his left to see you sleeping next to him but when he saw someone else next to him in bed, he remembered what he did. He remembered how he told you that there was nothing going between her and him and then he remembered how he fucked her, how he cheated on you.

“Fuck.” He mumbled as he looked at the clock on the wall.

03:27

He didn’t kiss you on midnight. He wasn’t with you, you weren’t in his arms, someone else was.

Johnny left the apartment without thinking and rushed home to you. Johnny couldn’t describe how much regret he felt, how guilty he felt. He wanted to cry, he wanted to delete last night from his memory.

He unlocked the door and it was dark inside of the apartment, you were probably sleeping. Johnny’s heart was beating against his chest, he didn’t know what to do. Should he tell you what happened last night? Should he tell you he cheated and broke his promises?

Johnny saw you curled up on the couch, your eyes closed but swollen, you wear wearing his hoodie and hugging the pillow tightly. The balcony was still open and the winter breeze entered you apartment. Your body was cold, hands formed to fists and brows furrowed. Two empty bottles of wine on the coffee table and one used wine glass.

Johnny got on his knees and pressed little kisses on your forehead, your cheeks and nose. He wanted to kiss your lips so bad, but his lips still tasted like the other woman he had been with that night.

“B-Baby?” he whispered softly, “Baby, come on let’s go to bed.”

You didn’t react.

Johnny carried you softly to your bedroom and tucked you in your bed. After getting ready for bed, he also got under the covers and pulled your body closer to his and held you tightly in his arms.

“I’m so sorry.” He cried out. Johnny felt terrible, he couldn’t lose you, the only option was to keep it a secret and delete last night from his memory. Johnny fell asleep crying.

You woke up between Johnny’s arms. He was holding you tightly and it didn’t look like you could get out of his arms anytime soon. He was soring softly and you could tell he was tired.

You stayed in bed for another hour and Johnny slowly woke up.

“Can you let me go?” you asked coldly. You were still hurt.

“S-Sorry.” He let go of you and you were about to leave the room but Johnny stopped you.

“Listen… I-I know you’re mad and I know I made a big mistake. I shouldn’t have left. I’m the biggest idiot on the planet, I’m so sorry I left you alone last night and… and the things I said. I didn’t mean them. I love you. Only you.”

Your hand was on the door handle, holding tightly. You didn’t answer, you didn’t know what to say. Were you still mad? Yes. Were you still hurt? Yes. You just wanted to be alone.

“Y-You left me alone o-on New Year’s Eve. You just left me all alone, I wanted to be with you. You know that I don’t have anyone. You know that I’m all alone and you still left. I only have you but you left me too.”

That was true. You had lost your parents a couple years ago and you don’t have any siblings. You don’t have any family left and you have only Johnny in your life. You were never the person to find friends easily, but Johnny was different. You were friends with his friends, but you were too shy and insecure to call them or text them. You hated it.

“I know- I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you, baby. Do you want to have dinner again tonight? I’ll cook. Or we can go out to that restaurant you love, let’s go on a date, hmm? Tell me baby. Tell me what you want.” He got up and walked closer to you. You stepped back on reflex.

Johnny stopped on his tracks and looked at you, worry written all over his face.

“D-Do you hate me that much?” he whispered.

“I-“

You didn’t know what to say.

“I think I need to be alone.” And then you left your bedroom and locked yourself in the bathroom and started crying.

Johnny knew he had to leave you alone, you had to calm down and he needed to find a way to make it up to you. He knew the fucked up, and the secret he carried was haunting him. Whenever he looked at you, he felt his heart ache.

Maybe you were blinded by your love for him or maybe you were just stupid, but you couldn’t be mad at him any longer.

You entered the bedroom and saw Johnny looking on the ceiling like a lost puppy. He instantly got up and looked at you. “D-Do you want me to leave?”

You were still crying and playing with your fingers. “I-I want to go o-on a that date with you. B-But that doesn’t mean I forgive you. I’m still hurt.” You sobbed.

“Okay baby, anything for you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left you alone. I’ll make it up to you, okay? I love you so much.” He stroked your tears away and cupped your cheeks. “I’m not going to hurt you again.”

Ooh, it seemed like everything was going fine I found the love that I thought was gonna last Then I accidentally saw a few things in your cell I even LOL'd, man, I should've known Why, why you're doing what you do You, you might as well just tell the honest truth See, I'm not really down with this This ain't no texting shit Know I got no biz, But it is what it is

I don't really have much to say I was over it the second that I saw her name

The first couple weeks of January, Johnny acted like the perfect boyfriend. He did everything he could to make you happy, to make you smile brightly at him.

You could see that he tried to make his mistake up to you and you enjoyed how he showered you with love. You were sure that he was the one, that Johnny was your future.

But that one night, January 31, changed everything.

You were waiting for Johnny to finish his shower. It was date night and you decided to go to the movies. While you were scrolling through your Instagram feed, Johnny’s phone ringed non-stop. He received text after text and even two calls and the sound annoyed the shit out of you. You got up to turn his sound off, but when you accidently saw the last text he got, you almost dropped the phone. You didn’t want to go through his texts, but you couldn’t stop yourself from reading the text she sent him.

19:27 Sujin: hey baby, I miss u

19:27 Sujin: are you free tonight? My pussy missed your dick!!!

19:28 Sujin: *picture attached*

It was a picture of her, half naked, you could fully see her breasts.

You should’ve known. You should’ve known that he lied when he told you that there was nothing going on between him and her.

You couldn’t cry, all you could do was laugh. Laugh at how stupid you were.

Why did he lie to you? Why didn’t he just tell you the truth? You were done with him and with his lies. Maybe it was your own fault. You knew that there was something, but you still believed him and took him back that night on New Year’s Eve. He said so much mean and disgusting things to you, Johnny acted like you were crazy and just out of your damn mind. He called you insecure. Johnny called you so many things and in the end, you were right.

You went to your shared bedroom and started packing a couple of your things. You needed to leave. Now.

You couldn’t cry. You wanted to, but you couldn’t. There were no tears left.

You packed some clothes, you weren’t going to move out. He cheated, he broke your heart and he has to leave. But you couldn’t stand being next to him. You would come back when he was gone.

Johnny entered the bedroom with a towel around his waist. His hair was still wet and little drops of water glistened on his body. Suddenly all you could see were her traces on his body. Love bites on his neck, down to his chest.

“Babe?”

You realized you were staring at him a little too long, the love bites were gone and Johnny came closer to you with a smirk.

“We can skip the movie if you want to.” He put two fingers on your chin and leaned down to kiss you, but you pulled back. Almost tripping over your bag.

“Babe? You good?”

“Cut the bullshit Johnny. I want you to leave and take all of your fucking shit with you. We’re done. I’ll come back when you’re gone.”

Johnny looked at you with so much confusion written all over his face. “Babe what are you talking about?”

“Go to your whore. She probably has enough space for you two.” You said with no emotion as you grabbed your bag.

Johnny still didn’t understand what you were talking about. “W-What are you saying? Baby I really don’t understand- What do you mean? Whore?”

You started laughing, “Come on, you know exactly who I’m talking about. She misses you so much Johnny. Poor girl needs her hole filled with your fucking cock. Go to her. She’s waiting for you.”

Johnny still didn’t get what you meant. “Fucking hell, I saw her texts Johnny! I’m leaving.”

It took Johnny a minute to realize what just happened.

You were about to leave the room when he stopped you. “Listen- please just listen to me.”

You scoffed, “There’s nothing you could say, Johnny.”

“T-There was nothing serious. S-She just texted me shit like that-“

“No Johnny! This isn’t just you and her texting, this is about you being not loyal to me. You lied to me, you called me names, you broke all your promises and you still cheated. You cheated on me with her, you don’t have to lie anymore. I won’t stop you anymore. Feel free to do whatever you want. Not that I stopped you from doing whatever you wanted before, but now you don’t need to come back to me anymore.”

You voice was filled with venom, Johnny knew he fucked up and he thought you would never find out, but now that you did, he didn’t know what to do or what to say to keep you, to make you stay.

“No no no don’t go. L-Let’s talk about this. Baby please don’t leave me. I love you.” Johnny started crying. For the first time in your life, you saw him cry.

You didn’t know how to feel about seeing him cry, but you listened to your brain and not to your heart like you always did and your brain told you to leave. You were done with him. So you left without looking back.

I got two, ooh, ooh letters for you One of them's F and the other one's U 'Cause what you gotta do, is go get yourself a clue Only two, ooh ooh letters to choose One of them's F and the other one's U SMH, I'm pressing send on you

Johnny texted you about thousand messages every day since you left. He called and left thousand voicemails. After two weeks, you also got mail with letters. Letters filled with apologies.

You hated him so much, but you couldn’t stop listening to his voicemails or stop reading his texts and letters. Maybe it was because you missed him or maybe you felt better now that he ran after you like a lost puppy. But you couldn’t let go of him if he keeps sending you things like that.

22:04 J: I won’t stop trying.

22:05 J: I love you too much to let you go.

You laughed at that. He loves you? Is cheating his way of loving you? You decided to answer him.

22:10 you: Fuck u Johnny. You don’t know anything about love so just stop and don’t embarrass yourself.

22:10 J: I can’t believe you texted back. I knew you were reading my messages. Please, let’s talk.

22:13 you: Don’t you get it? I don’t want to see you.

22:14 J: Okay, then answer the phone. Let’s just talk.

Your phone started ringing and you almost answered. It rang and rang and he called you again and again, but you never answered.

22:50 you: stop calling. Stop texting. Just leave me alone.

You shook your head angrily.

He left you alone on New Year’s Eve, why was it so hard for him to leave you alone now?  

Could've been this, could've been that We done been there, we done been back You ain't with it, could've said that Why you tripping, let me hit that I ain't trying to argue more. I do it all for you, You know you're my right eye Baby, let me show you

Johnny was about to lose his mind.

After you left nothing made sense anymore. He was lonely. Lonelier than ever. Johnny has many friends but he never left the apartment to hang out with them.

There was no point in going out and coming back to a lonely home.

He missed you, he missed everything about you. He realized, after you left, that he loved so many small things about you. For example, the way you sneezed, that was the cutest sound he has ever heard or the way you always fell asleep with a little smile on your face. A smile he missed.

Johnny missed to see you on the couch, a pillow between your arms because you couldn’t hug Johnny, he had to take a shower or for whatever reason he couldn’t watch tv without you.

Oh, how he wished he could just drop everything and cuddle with you on the couch. You could’ve been in his arms right now, you could’ve been kissing him like you always did. You loved kissing him and he missed the feeling of your lips on his.

He regrets cheating on you. He regrets it so much and there’s not a single day without him crying about that.

Johnny rarely cried, you knew that, but after you left, he couldn’t stop his tears.

He had to show you how much he loved you, how much you mean to him. Johnny had to show you, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Johnny would do anything to get you back.

Oh, I know what's been going on Don't even try to act like Mr Super Nonchalant What makes you think I'll stick around I'm not as stupid as you sound And you sound really dumb right now From A to Z, ooh I got a lot of nasty things flowing up in my head But none of them are worth my time You're not even worth this rhyme And I don't, I don't give a flying

It was hard for you to find a place to stay and Johnny knew that, but even though he wanted to be with you, he left your apartment so you could stay there. The only friends you had were Johnny’s and it was hard for you to ask them for help, you hated to ask other people for help, because you didn’t want to be a burden. That’s why you stayed in a hotel for two days, until Johnny texted you that he left the apartment. It hurt you a little, the fact that he was gone but you tried to ignore that feeling, just like you tried to ignore everything else he did. You overthink everything and you were scared to annoy his friends with your presence, which wasn’t even the case. After Johnny’s friend heard about what Johnny did and how he broke your heart, they lectured him and were angry. Yes, he was their friend but you were their friend too and what Johnny did was unacceptable. A couple of his friends reached out to you, they wanted to be there for you and help you go through the pain.

A month after your breakup, you met Johnny again. One of your mutual friends held a BBQ party and she insisted for you to come. Of course she told you about Johnny also being invited but you didn’t care about him at that moment. You wanted to have fun, but now, with him right in front of you, you wanted to go back home and hide under your bed. But you wouldn’t show him that.

You felt his eyes on you, no matter what you did or where you were.

Playing beer pong outside, his eyes were on you.

Cutting tomatoes in the kitchen, his eyes were on you.

Drinking your cocktail in the living room, his eyes were on you.

Not like a creep, of course. He watched you like someone who saw the love of their life for the first time and he saw the love of his life for the first time after the breakup. He thought about ways to approach you, to talk to you and apologize, but the timing was always bad.

Except for now.

“Y/n.”

Your turned around as soon as you heard his voice. The others were inside whereas you went outside for fresh air. Johnny followed you, he saw an opportunity to talk to you and he wouldn’t let go of that.

“Don’t walk away- please.”

“Why would I stay here with you?” you scoffed.

“Just listen to me, just once-“

“You think I’m stupid? You think I don’t know what you’re going to say? It’s always the same shit. Oh, I’m so sorry. She doesn’t mean anything to me. Please forgive me. Blah Blah Blah.” You said in a mocking tone.

“But it is the truth! She doesn’t mean anything to me. I just love you, it was a mistake-“

“Johnny, come on. You sound so dumb right now. Just stop. Whenever I see your face, I just want to punch you and her, but you aren’t worth it. She isn’t worth it to be in my head. Fuck you and fuck her. Oh, wait, you did that already, right?”

Maybe you were being a little pathetic right now, but you didn’t care.

I don't really have much to say I was over it the second that I saw her name

“I don’t really have much to say. I was over it the second that I saw he name on your phone.” you said, looking him straight in the eyes. Your voice was so cold, just like your eyes.

“But I have things I need to tell you. I need to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am. Just listen to me, just this once and If you’re still done with me, than okay, I’ll leave you alone.”

“Fine. I’m so fucking sick of this.” You mumbled.

“I didn’t lie to you on New Year’s Eve. There was really nothing between me and her. She would text me but I never really replied to her. We went out a couple of times, but not just us. We went out with other friends and I barely noticed her. We were just friends, even less than that. On New Year’s Eve you pushed my buttons, I’m sorry to say it like that, but something inside me switched and all I wanted to do is to h-hurt you.” He looked down, ashamed, “I was drunk and angry. A really bad combination. I called her, she invited me to her home and before I knew it, I woke up with her next to me.”

You closed your eyes, you tried to imagine little butterflies and the sea, but all you could see was Johnny with another woman.

“As soon as I woke up, I came home and I-I didn’t know what to do. I hated -hate- myself for what I did that night, for hurting you and leaving you alone like that and for c-cheating on you. I know it’s not an excuse but I was so drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing. It just happened. When I saw you at home, asleep on the couch, it broke my heart. I wish- I wish I could turn back time and stay at home with you that night.”

“Johnny-“

“I’m not done. I deleted that night from my memory. I know it’s stupid but I couldn’t lose you. I was selfish and I thought that you would never find out. B-But that night you saw her messages, you only saw her messages. It looked like we were still texting and s-sleeping with each other. But here-“ he pulled out his phone and showed you their conversation.

“I always told her how much I loved you and that she should leave me alone. That I did the biggest mistake in my life and that you’re the love of my life. I swear Y/n, I am so sorry, so fucking sorry that I hurt you like this. But I mean it when I say that I only love you and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I did so many mistakes and I totally get that you h-hate me but I want to show you how much I actually love you and I know that you love me too.”

You scrolled through their texts. He said the truth, he always told her to fuck off and leave him alone, she was also blocked now. Johnny told her that he wants only you and that he would spend the rest of his days regret hurting you, but he’d also spend the rest of his days loving you.

“I-“ you didn’t know what to say.

He was right, you still loved him.

“Johnny… can you take me home?”

I got two, ooh, ooh letters for you One of them's F and the other one's U 'Cause what you gotta do, is go get yourself a clue Only two, ooh letters to choose One of them's F and the other one's U SMH, I'm pressing send on you

Johnny was bigger than you and stronger, but right now you felt like you were the stronger one.

You pressed him against the wall as you pressed your lips on his. You caught Johnny off guard but not even a second later, he kissed you back and put his hands on your waist.

“Don’t touch me.” you pulled away to say this and when he thought it was over, you kissed him again. Your hands were on his shirt, slowly pulling it up. When you were done, you pressed your hands lightly on his chest. You loved every inch of Johnny’s body.

Johnny was obviously stronger than you and he could push you away easily, but he couldn’t, until your hands landed on his belt. “N-No, Y/n wait-“ he said as he pulled away.

You ignored him.

You kissed right above his jeans, slowly going up leaving wet kisses on his belly and chest. You couldn’t reach his neck, you wanted to leave love marks, and that made you mad.

“Fucking big asshole. Why do you have to be so big?!”

“Y/n- I thought you wanted to talk? I don’t want you to do anything you might regret later.”

“Just shut up and let me do what I want to do.”

“You’re drunk.” Johnny said. Yes you had a couple cocktails but you knew what you were doing.

“Fuck you, I’m not drunk! Do you want to fuck me or not?!” you yelled now, annoyed that he hesitate so much.

“Of course I want to fuck you but-“

“No buts. Take off your pants.”

Johnny didn’t move. He didn’t know what to do. On the one hand he wanted to feel you close again, on the other hand he was scared to push you further away after having sex with you.

“Fine I’ll do it myself.” And you did. You unbuttoned his jeans, pulled it down along with his boxers and kneeled down.

His cock was semi-hard. The way you acted turned him on and now you’re on your knees looking absolutely beautiful and sexy.

You slowly started pumping his cock and Johnny bit his lip as he watched you. His tip was leaking with precum and you used it to make it easier to pump him. You put your lips on his tip and kissed it and then you licked it like a lollipop. You twirled your tongue on his tip, your hand still pumping him up and down. When you put his cock in your mouth, Johnny’s hands softly gripped your hair.

You pulled away, “No touching.” And he let go instantly. He was going crazy, he needed to touch you.

You put his cock back into your mouth and bopped your head. Johnny’s cock was big, you couldn’t fit all of his cock inside your mouth but the way he hit your throat turned him even more on. He was a moaning mess. You softly played with his balls and you felt him twitch. He was about to cum and right before he could, you stopped and pulled away.

“Fuck- What why did you stop? Are you alright?” he asked you. First frustrated that you stopped him from coming and then worried that he hurt you.

“Lay down.” You ordered him.

Johnny listened. He laid down on your bed and watched you take off your dress and your underwear. A sight he had missed so much, so fucking much.

“You’re so beautiful.”

“Stop talking.” You ignored the butterflies in your belly.

You crawled on top of him and slowly put his cock inside of you. You were definitely wet enough. Johnny lost his mind, he missed being inside of you. He missed being this close to you.

“Fuck, you feel so good.” He moaned and his hands landed on your hips.

You grabbed his hands and pressed them down on each side of his head. “I said no touching, Johnny. No. Fucking. Touching.” You didn’t stop moving your hips as you said that you knew it turned him on as you felt him twitch again.

You weren’t going to lie. You felt amazing. You were embarrassingly close, all you did was sucking his dick and riding him for not even a minute.

You kept your hands on his wrists as you rode him faster and faster. The way you clenched around him, the little sounds that left your from kissing bruised lips, he loved it. Johnny loved you.

“I’m going to c-cum.” He moaned out.

“C-Cum inside of me, I want every drop of your cum Johnny.” You were so close and when Johnny came inside of you and closed his eyes while moaning your name out loudly, you came too.

You let go of Johnny’s wrists and collapsed on top of him as he pulled his cock out of you.

Chest against chest, heartbeat against heartbeat.

Your head was in the crook of his neck and you were breathing heavily. You tried to catch your breath and stop yourself from crying, but Johnny heard you sniffle and not even a second later, you started sobbing in his arms.

“Y/n? Are you crying?” he rubbed your back softly, not sure what else to do.

“Fuck you. I’m not crying I’m dancing you i-idiot.” You cried out.

You couldn’t stop the tears from falling, you didn’t notice how hard you were crying until it got hard to breath.

“Hey hey hey, I’m sorry. Look at me. You have to calm down.” Johnny softly pushed you up and you wrapped your arms around your boobs, suddenly feeling completely exposed and vulnerable.

Johnny was about to move away and you immediately hugged him tightly, you were scared that he would leave after fucking you. You were scared that you were just imagining this and that he wasn’t actually here. But Johnny actually just wanted to give you his shirt.

“Fuck you. I hate you. Y-You broke my heart.” You cried out as you hid your face in his neck.

Johnny slowly stroked your hair and with his other hand he held you tightly. “I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you, but I love you so, so much.”

He was crying too.

“Y-you really don’t deserve me. Fuck you for hurting me, fuck you for cheating on me and fuck you… I-I still… love you.” You finally said it. It was so hard but all the weight on your shoulders vanished and you felt relieved.

“I love you. Only you. Please forgive, please let me love you again. Please I need you so much.” Johnny said and left little kisses on your shoulder.

You pulled back softly and looked him in the eyes. Your eyes were as red as his and full of pain and love.

“Please don’t hurt me ever again, please no matter how much you want to hurt me, just yell at me o-or I don’t know throw something at me… b-but don’t do that again…”

Johnny’s heart ached, he would never forgive himself for hurting you like this, for breaking your heart. It was a punch in the face to hear your words. Was he really such a monster? Yes he was. He was a monster who hurt his better half for something so stupid and now you were suffering. You were always right and he would do anything to make you happy. How could he even get mad at someone as kind and lovely as you? How could he even think of hurting you?

“D-Don’t say that. I will never hurt you again, I promise. I could never get mad at you, Y/n. Everything was my fault, I did this to us and you never deserved this. You are too good for me and I’ll make sure to show you how much I adore you, how much you mean to me. I’ll never let go of your hand.” He took your hand in his and placed a kiss on your knuckles, “I love you, Y/n. Can you give me a second chance?”

You looked him in his teary eyes. You were going to follow your heart and your heart told you to try again. You could see his love for you in his eyes and you could hear it in his broken voice. You were ready to give him a second chance, you could forgive him but you would never forget what he did.

You nodded softly “Y-You have to make it up to me and it won’t be easy.”

“I’ll do anything.”

“Okay.” You breathed out.

“Thank you.” He looked you in the eyes with his brown puppy eyes and you couldn’t stop yourself from pecking his lips. You pulled back and watched his reaction. Johnny smiled softly and both of you slowly leaned in and kissed. A soft and slow kiss, with so much passion and longing.

[nataliedanovelist]

GF - Timestuck AU: The Power of Mabel ch.1

While fighting over a time machine so one twin can win a pig or the other can win the heart of a girl, Mabel is left stranded in a snowy forest with no time machine and no brother. Oops.

ch.2

Beautiful artwork was created by @starstruck-loner​! THANK YOU SO MUCH SWEETIE I LOVE IT!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

Snow freckled the chilly January day lightly, like powdered sugar over a freshly baked pastry, sticking to each layer effortlessly and creating a blanket that completely covered the woods and the cabin nested between the trees. The atmosphere was still and stiff, like frozen icicles that were not going to start dripping any time soon. The air was bitter and unwelcoming, which was probably why no living thing was outside today. Today was the perfect day to burrow and sleep and keep warm with your own body heat.

A crack through space-time cut through the air. The crushing of tiny ice particles followed as two twelve-year-olds ran, one chasing the other, as the time-tape was heating up and buzzing. “This thing is getting hotter! Hot! Hot, hot, hot!” Mabel attempted to save her palms from burns by bouncing the tiny machine between her hands.

“What are you doing?!” Dipper demanded as Mabel bounced the tape-measure too hard and her twin reached a hand to catch it. He managed to catch it perfectly, like an athlete catching a baseball, and then was gone in a flash of baby-blue lightning.

Mabel’s eyes widened in sheer panic and she held her arms as a gust of wind blew and nearly froze her to her core. It felt like her skin was being pricked by mean sewing needles. She looked around wildly for her brother, for him to come back to this time and place immediately, because surely he would use the time machine to come back, but seconds ticked by and she was still alone.

Puffs of smoke decorated the wintry scene as she held her shivering body and looked at the shack. It wasn’t as colorful and welcoming and loud as the shack Mabel remembered, but she made herself consider that it was because there was no big sign or tourist-y things, and it was winter. Then a light turned on, the hall if Mabel remembered her summer home correctly, and the door opened.

The hope that Mabel had in her chest of seeing her great-uncle was gone, and replaced with fear and confusion. This man looked very much like Stan, though much younger, quite chubby and youthful, wearing a black t-shirt and blue plaid pajama-pants. He had the same face as a young-Stan, but with a more pink than orange nose, a cleft chin, fluffier hair that reminded Mabel of her’s when it was short, and different glasses. 

Mabel didn’t know what to do or how to react or how to feel. People change a lot when they age, sure, but this much? It was possible this person wasn’t Stan, but who else would look so similar to him and live in this house? Maybe this is the guy who lived here before Stan, and they just happen to look very similar. This is Gravity Falls, and though she and Dipper were still new to the town, it was a weird place where something like this could happen.

It also came to Mabel how odd the situation was for the man: a little girl was standing in a sweater and skirt outside his house in the winter. Would he try to send her home? She had no home to go to. She didn’t know what year this was, but if it was a time Stan didn’t live here, it must have been way before she was born, maybe even before her parents met. She was stranded.

But the man looked at her sympathetically and he seemed kind and worried. He grabbed a trenchcoat and called gently, “Hello. Are you okay?”

Mabel bit her lip. His voice was definitely not Grunkle Stan’s. A gust of wind made her shiver and her teeth chatter, and the man stepped into some slippers and walked up to her, draping the trenchcoat over her shoulders. “There there, that’s a very nice sweater, but it doesn’t seem to be keeping you warm, is it?”

“N-No.” Mabel shivered. “I… I used breathable yarn for…” She stopped. She was going to say how she used breathable yarn for the warm California weather, but she decided not to.

“You used?” The man repeated, rubbing her shoulders to try to make the trenchcoat work faster. “You made this?”

Mabel saw his excited grin and she smiled nervously. “Y-Yeah. I knit sweaters.”

The man bent his knees in front of her and studied her sweater. She held out an arm so he could see and his brown eyes sparkled. “That’s very impressive! I love sweaters!”

Mabel gasped happily. “C-C-Can I m-make you one?!”

The man looked taken back, but chuckled and stood. “Of course, but first let’s get you warm. How does hot chocolate sound?”

“Y-Yes, p-p-please.” Mabel shivered, and allowed the man to walk her into the house.

It was scaringly like the Mystery Shack, but so much was different. It was the same layout, the same house, but there was so much that was different. A coat rack stood by the door, holding a white lab coat with black rubber gloves in the pocket, some safety goggles like the ones in Mabel’s science classes, and Stan’s fez. Mabel stared at it. Well, okay it probably wasn’t Stan’s fez, but it was a maroon fez with a golden fish and a black tassle. 

There was a wood-burning stove alive in the living room, with a small box full of wood by it and a tiny stool. Instead of Grunkle Stan’s armchair, there was a red-velvet couch, a large writing desk, and the room was decorated with books, desks, papers, and jars and experiments. It was all strange, but warm and cozy with the fire going.

Mabel smiled as the man pulled out the tiny stool and gestured for her to sit by the stove. She obeyed and the coat was removed from her shoulders, but quickly replaced with a dark-green blanket.

“There, do you mind warming up here while I make your hot chocolate?” He asked, draping his trenchcoat over his arm.

Mabel shook her head and held her cold hands in front of the stove. “Thank you.”

The man smiled. “You’re welcome.” And he turned and left for where Mabel knew the kitchen was.

Sitting alone and feeling better as her body was getting warm, Mabel thought it all over. This man was clearly not her Grunkle Stan, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t nice or couldn’t help her. Any minute Dipper was going to come back for her, but until then she had to stay where she was. That’s what grown-ups told her to do if she was ever lost. Stay where you are until you’re found.

By the time Mabel was very comfortable, the man returned with two mugs of steaming hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, and handed one to the girl. “Here you are, my dear.”

“Thank you, sir.” Mabel sipped and hummed in delight as the man sat on the floor next to her.

“You’re very welcome.” He sipped his drink and added, “Now then, I have to ask, what were you doing out there? Did you get lost?”

Mabel’s face dropped and she nodded. “Uh, huh.”

“Hm, very well. That can easily happen when playing on a snow day.” The man said with a smile. “Why don’t I call our parents and we can arrange to have you back home safe?”

Mabel swallowed nervously. She bit her lip, looking down at her mug. She didn’t know what to say to that.

The man looked at her and noticed how scared she was. “Is something wrong?”

Mabel looked up at him, was met with a kind face, and whimpered, “I can’t call them.”

The man smiled sympathetically. “I’m sure you won’t get into too much trouble. Maybe a little, but it’s for the best to call them so we can get you home soon.”

Mabel shook her head and squeezed her stinging eyes shut. “They’re… not around.”

The man’s face dropped as Mabel scrubbed at her eyes. “Oh. I’m so sorry.”

Mabel only replied with a sniff and she sipped her hot chocolate.

“Is there someone I can call for you?” The man asked. “I’m sure there’s someone out there worried about you.”

Mabel bit her lip. “M-My brother… He’s still out there…”

“Is he lost, too?”

Mabel shrugged.

“Well,” The man held his cleft chin in thought. “I’m sure he’s out there looking for you. Perhaps then you should wait here until he comes here, and then we can send you to your guardian.”

“It’s just us.” Mabel muttered. “Just us.”

The man smiled. Mabel hoped he believed her brother was much older than her, or at least old enough to take care of her. That way she wasn’t really lying, just letting this man believe what he wanted to believe. Nothing wrong with that. “Okay. Still, you may stay here until he finds you.”

Mabel sniffed and wiped her nose with her sweater sleeve. “Thank you, sir.”

“Please, call me Ford.” He said and held out a hand to her.

Mabel smiled and shook his hand. “I’m Mabel.”

“Mabel, huh? That’s a beautiful name.”

“Thanks.” She looked down at their hands and her eyes widened. One, two, three, four, five, s-...

Ford pulled his hand free, his cheeks reddening as he sipped his hot chocolate, but Mabel was grinning at him happily and she gasped with joy, “You have six fingers?!”

Ford blinked at her, reminding Mabel of a startled owl, and he cleared his throat. “Um, y-yes. It’s a birth defect.”

“Nuh, huh! It’s cool! Can I see, please?” Mabel sat her mug on the floor by her feet.

The researcher didn’t like people staring at his hands, but this young girl wanted to look, it appears, in admiration, so Ford hesitantly gave her his hands and she held them lovingly, her eyes sparkling like stars.

“Wow! That’s neat! No wonder your hand shake was so friendly! It’s a whole finger friendlier than normal!” Mabel was then reminded that Dipper’s journal had a six-fingered hand on it.

The girl’s eyes widened as she wondered if she was meeting Dipper’s idol. It was possible. The journal Dipper had dated it in the 80s, and Dipper said that the author mysteriously disappeared. As exciting as it was to meet the Author of the Journals, all it did was put Mabel more at ease. If anyone can help her, he can.

Ford laughed and gave her hands a soft squeeze. “I like you! You’re weird.”

Mabel grinned, distracted from her thoughts and grateful for it. “I like you, too, Ford!”

[from-a-reckless-writer]

Supercorp - 49 please

Jess has been with her ever since the beginning of time. It might sound like an exaggeration but it really isn't.

Jess was already assigned with her ever since she was the Junior VP of LuthorCorp's Research division back when Lionel was still alive.

And when Lex inevitably drove the whole company into ruin and forced Lena into the limelight as CEO, Jess remained by her side.

So, really, Lena couldn't refuse Jess's resignation letter when it came, finally telling Lena that she wants to expand her horizons. Lena was beyond happy to hear that Jess was interested in going to grad school and finishing her Master's that's been put on hold. At the same time though, she also doesn't know how to let her go. It might sound a little selfish to keep Jess all to herself, but Lena's sure she's going to die the moment, Jess leaves her office.

But of course, Lena let her go, with a hefty final pay and a promise that Jess always has a place with L-Corp.

So truthfully, she doesn't have a problem with Jess leaving, what she does have a problem with, though, is Jess's replacement.

Jess made sure to choose the best of the best from L-Corp's array of eager interns.

Which means Lena has to work with the smartest, kindest, most fucking beautiful intern to ever grace her office.

How inconvenient.

"I'm her boss," she snipes at Sam, for the nth time that night. It's been 6 months of this. Of Kara coming into her office and making Lena's shitty day, less shitty. Of Kara being the most caring person in Lena's life. Of Kara somehow making Lena eat three full meals a day and getting her to sleep on time. Of Kara making her fall and fall, deeper and deeper.

Of Lena trying hard to suppress every little feeling she has when it comes to Kara by whining about it to her friends.

It's been 6 months of this and now it's Christmas and Kara is looking more and more tempting as the evening passes.

"Right, because that hasn't happened before." Sam rolls her eyes. "I haven't seen you look at another woman this way ever, Lena."

"Again," Lena stresses. "I'm her boss. As in, she works for me. She answers calls for me and she arranged this goddamn Christmas party."

"Then fire her," Andrea deadpans, taking a sip from her champagne flute, arm casually wrapped around Sam.

"Mm. I second that idea." Of course, they're ganging up on her. That's their favorite past time--making Lena's love life a source of entertainment.

"Remind me why I'm even talking to the both of you?"

"Because, you've fallen in love for the first time in your life and you don't know what to do because you're emotionally constipated due to family issues and it's Christmas and Kara's standing right there and I'm pretty sure you want to pull her under the mistletoe and we're the only ones who can help," Sam impressively lets out all in one breath.

"I hate you."

"We love you too, Lena," Andrea automatically responds. "Now, go tell Kara she's now unemployed because you want to rail her for the rest of the night."

"You can do it, sweetie. We believe in you." Sam raises her glass in solidarity.

"The both of you should be ashamed of yourselves." Lena glares at the both of them. "Christ, railing..." she murmurs under her breath at the same time she looks up from her drink and into Kara's eyes across the ballroom floor. Kara gives her a small wave, picks up her champagne float as if to toast, Lena raises her drink in turn.

Kara smiles. Lena flushes.

She's going to blame it on the alcohol when Andrea starts to ask.

Kara is on the other side of the ballroom floor, chatting up one of Lena's tech and bioinformatics staff, Wilfred? Winslow?

Whatever his name is, but Kara doesn't seem to be paying any attention, Lena keeps catching her looking at where she is every 5 seconds.

"Lena, for the love of God, stop with the eye-fucking already. If you aren't going to woman up, I'm gonna get Kara over here myself."

Lena knows Sam isn't kidding with her threat. Sam raises her brow in that 'Well, what are you going to do about it?' way that she always does.

"Fire her and get it over with. I heard Cat Grant is hiring."

"Oh my god, you two! Stop it already, I am not going to fire her, and I am not going to break moral code and for the love of God, I DON'T WANT TO RAIL KARA DANVERS, OKAY?!"

She breathes in deep, her heart pounding from her little outburst. Sam's eyes is twice in size and Andrea's lips bitten in an attempt to hold everything in, her left brow twitching.

"What?" Lena grits. "Why are you looking at me like-"

"Ms. Luthor." Somebody taps her on the shoulder and Lena is confronted with the reason why her friends are completely silent all of a sudden.

"Kara," she whispers in horror.

"Uhm." Kara fidgets with the her dress. "I was wondering if I could take a moment of your time? I want to talk with you about something."

Lena clenches and unclenches her fist and tries to rein it in. Fuck, did Kara hear?

"Is it urgent?"

"Uhm yes, sort of," Kara mumbles. And then more nervously, "I promise, it'll be quick!"

"Alright," Lena acquiesces, heart running a mile a minute. She follows Kara and doesn't dare glance back at Sam and Andrea. She doesn't really want to hear what they have to say about the whole turn of events.

Kara leads them out into the empty balcony, National City gleaming brighter than ever before them.

The jazz notes of the holiday serenade from the ballroom fades out and becomes replaced with the soft quiet of the falling snow instead.

"What did you want to talk about, Kara?" Lena dares to ask, goosebumps running along her arm at the cold.

"I, uhm promise me you won't be angry after I tell you?" Kara says, almost a whisper, a plea.

What could be so bad that Kara looks so afraid at the moment?

"I promise, Kara." The words waiting on the tip of her tongue. Eager to give Kara whatever she needs.

"Okay, okay here it goes, okay," Kara mutters under her breath, hands wringing nervously, clearly itching to fiddle with her glasses.

"I want to leave L-Corp."

Lena's heart plummets.

"What?"

Kara steps forward, looks down at the ground and then back to her.

"I- I want to resign. I want to leave L-Corp. I've been thinking about it for a few months now, and I've finally made up my mind. I wanted you to know in advance. I'll be passing a formal letter to HR in January."

Kara's eyes are so blue under the moonlight and her words are chasing each other around in Lena's head. Kara wants to leave. Kara has been thinking about leaving for months.

And here Lena was, expecting her to stick around for forever.

"Why? I thought you were happy at L-Corp? What could possibly be the reason for you to want to leave?"

I thought you were happy with me?

Lena can't help it, the question comes out of her lips without her permission and she can't take it back.

She thought Kara was happy spending time with her, working with her.

But what Kara says next turns Lena's entire world upside down in a heartbeat.

"You," Kara answers.

Everything slows. Time stops and all Lena can see is Kara and only Kara.

"I want to leave. I need to leave. Because of you, Lena. I'm in love with you, Lena."

Lena's first thought is, Fucking hell Andrea and Sam are gonna insufferable after this. Her second being, KARA'S IN LOVE WITH ME, KARA'S IN LOVE WITH ME, KARA'S IN LOVE WI-

"I'm in love with you. And I think you feel something for me too," Kara utters softly.

"And, I also know how much you value L-Corp and how everybody perceives you and I don't want to start something between us, if it would cost you more than it would cost me," Kara tells her reverently, finally closing the gap and taking Lena's shaking hands into hers.

"Oh, God, Kara, I love you too. God, this is crazy, I love you too. I'm so in love with you."

Lena doesn't even feel the cold, all she feels is this crazy, dizzying rush of happiness at finally being able to say what she's been feeling. And to hear it said back to her.

God, is this what it feels like?

Kara is smiling so wide and it takes a moment for Lena to realize that she is, too. She's smiling so hard her cheeks are hurting.

"I really want to kiss you now."

"I really want you to kiss me now, too, Ka-"

She doesn't even get to finish.

Kara presses their lips together and Lena tastes the cinnamon of Kara's lip gloss, because of course, she's the kind of girl who would wear cinnamon chapstick for Christmas.

They're both smiling too hard to kiss properly for the first time.

Lena breaks away for a moment, only to kiss her again for the second time. This time, deeper, more passionate. 6 months of pent-up emotions and want and love.

"To be clear, you love me, you're not going to fire me and you don't want to rail me??"

"I am never going to let Andrea and Sam near you ever again."

prompts list here

[mistresspotterhead]

The American Ymbryne- Chap. 1

Alma Peregrine x fem!reader

Warnings: Yelling, slamming hands on a table, being outed (kind of)

Words: 1,900 on the dot

A/N: Wow, this took a lil bit. Alma doesn’t appear until the very end of this chapter, but she’ll be in the next one a lot. Everyone has been so kind, and that has helped a lot <3. Also: Miss Saker indicates the type of bird you are, not your given name. I hope you guys like this. 😊😊😊

Tags: @itsonlydana @evil-feather @merci-bitch @multimilfs @escapetodreamworld @gay-and-sad-tm @multifandomfix @romanottsmaximoff @n0thing-is-real-exe​ @theaudreymere 

(ask if you want to be added/removed)

In a strange way, Cairnholm reminded you of the Chicago loop you and your wards had just fled from. They were both very dreary, cold, and, from what you could tell from those on the ferry, the people would rather be anywhere else. 

“M-miss Saker? I’m cold.” The bundle of talking coats shivered next to you. 

“I know, Astrid. We’re almost there, though.” You sighed and looked out toward the slowly approaching coastline. Your surviving children, Elina, Alexander, Leonard, and, of course, Astrid, all huddled closer to you. You stared at Cairnholm for a while longer, until the ferryman’s voice suddenly called out.

“Alright everyone, ‘ere we are! The… lovely… Cairnholm!” He steered the small ferry over to the somehow smaller docks, and you led your children out.

“Is everyone here? Astrid, Leo, Elina, Alex?” David, Beth-Anne, Lisa, Frankie, June, Stefanie, Josef, Alice, Rosie, Reggie. You suppressed the urge to call out their names as well. 

“Yes, Miss Saker,” they called in long-suffering voices- you were very adamant about attendance. It was good to see something was normal.

“All right then. Leo, can you see where the loop is? And Alex, are there any other peculiars near?” Ah yes, your diviners. It was very lucky for all of you that they were two of those that survived the wight’s invasion of your loop. 

Your Chicago loop near the Art Institute was one of the last surviving loops in America maintained by an Ymbryne, along with your South Side, McKinley Park, and St. Louis loops, though the latter was run mainly by its older wards and reset once a week.

As of a fortnight ago, though, the Art Institute loop was the only one you had. McKinley Park was attacked by Wights and Hollows in December, with South Side following close in early January. Samuel, the sole survivor of McKinley Park, was what Syndrygasti call a Librarian. He could see hollows and alerted you to them when you were traveling to St. Louis for reset. The problem with this, though, was that Sammy was only five years old, and so frequently got distracted.

It wasn’t hard to understand- Illinois in 1975 was very colorful. Sammy was gone now, though, as were all most all of your children. Speaking of… 

“There aren’t any other peculiars on the island, Miss Saker- at least not in this time,” Alex said, startling you out of your thoughts.

“Thank you, dear. How are you faring, Leo? Have you located the loop? I don’t like being out in the open for this long.” For emphasis, Elina gave a giant, chattering shiver that was surely exaggerated.

“Indeed, but it is on the other side of the island, and the night is fast approaching.” 

You looked over and scowled at the sun; if you couldn’t get rest, then why was it allowed to?

“Well then. It looks like we’ll have to go into town.” Immediately, protests arose.

“Aw, no!”

“Come on, Miss Saker! We can make camp out here!”

“Because that sounds comfortable,” Leo deadpanned to Astrid.

“Well, it’s better than town! There probably isn’t even a hotel!”

“Actually, Astrid, that’s where you’re wrong.” Astrid looked shocked at the suggestion that she could ever be incorrect at something. “There is a hotel. It’s called the….” You took out the crumpled guidebook the ferryman had given to each tourist. “Preist Hole. What kind of hotel is called the Priest Hole?” You muttered that last part to yourself. “Anyway, off we go. Come along, single file now.”

Your ducklings dutifully arranged themselves from youngest to oldest, seven-year-old Elina closest to you and sixteen-year-old Leo at the back.

You hoped that the food was at least good.

Nope. Everything on the Preist Hole’s menu was covered with vinegar. You wondered if that was a Welsh thing or a Cairnholm thing. Maybe the owner just liked vinegar. Next to you, Elina was grimacing with every bite. On a whim, you decided to flag the bartender down.

“Hey, Kev, was it?” He grinned widely at you. You gave him a small smile in return.

“Yes, ma’am, that’s me. What can I do for you ‘n yer bunch today?” 

“I was just wondering if you had some fries- sorry, chips- with less vinegar. My youngest is still picky.”

“Hmm. Well, I’ll talk to Arnie ‘n see what he can whip up fer ye. He’s the cook, ye see.”

“Thank you so much, sir.” You attempted a bigger smile, but it still felt forced.

“Naw, it ain’t a problem, really. ‘N please, call me Kev. Sir sounds like I’m fifty- ‘n I’ve still got twenty years ‘fore that,” he chuckled.

“Well then, you must call me y/n.”

“Of course, ma’am- y/n, sorry.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s alright, Kev.” This time, your smile was a small bit genuine- his hesitancy was endearing.

“Yeh. Well, um, I’d better talk teh Arnie now. I’ve kinda been lingering here for a while.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t want to keep you from work, anyway.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t object if yeh did,” Kev concluded, winking before walking away.

Once he was out of earshot, Astrid started chittering.

“Ooh, was that flirting I saw, Miss Saker?” You rolled your eyes, and Alex guffawed into his water.

“Miss Saker? Flirt with a guy? I think Elina would drink an entire bottle of vinegar before that happened.” You turned your head sharply in his direction, but not before Astrid snapped back at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You jerk your head toward her now.

“Well, Miss Saker isn’t really the type to, ah, dabble in the male gene pool.” It was like you were watching tennis, really, with all this head-turning.

“That doesn’t make any-”

“ENOUGH!” You stood up, placing your hands on the bar. “This is not a discussion we are having, especially not here and now. Alex, I told you that information in confidence, and I am severely disappointed that you have betrayed that. Astrid, whether or not I am flirting with someone, and really my love life in general, is none of your concern. Do you both understand?”

They nodded, Alex looking especially ashamed of himself.

“Sorry, Miss Saker. It just slipped out.”

You sighed and ignored all the stares you and your wards were getting because of your outburst. 

“Alright, Alex. Just… you can’t share things that people tell you privately.”

“Yes, Miss Saker.” He was quiet after that, poking at his food.

It bothered you that he had shared that information, though it didn’t seem as if the other wards had understood. Of course, Leo was the only one you would expect to, as he was sixteen, but he had been sheltered in your loop his entire life. All of your wards had, really.

Just as you were beginning to sink into your past again, Kev came out with Elina’s new plate of fr- chips.

“Here ye are, little lady. I hope you like these better.” He smiled at Elina, tugging a small one out in return. You both watched expectantly as she took a tentative bite. And another. And another. Until the plate was almost gone, and she was rubbing her stomach in contentment.

“Well, that was fast.”

“It was good, Miss Saker. I wasn’t going to let it cool.” You laughed at the disapproving look on her face.

“Alright, alright. I suppose you have a good point.” You turned to Kev. “Thank you again, sir, for-”

“Kev.”

“...right. Thank you for doing this. How much will it cost?” You were ruffled at his interruption, but he didn’t notice. He pretended to think for a moment.

“Hmm… how much will makin’ a little girl ‘n her mam happy cost? I dunno.” He smiled at you. “It’s on the house. I can see that ye haven’t had such a good day, so….”

“Really? Are you sure? I mean, I have the money….”

“I’m completely sure. It’s good te make someone happy once in a while.”

“Well, I truly do thank you. It also seems that we’ll need a room, if that’s alright?”

“Sure. Room four was just recently vacated. It’s right up here.” He led you up the stairs, the kids trailing behind.

The room was small for five people, but it seemed like a mansion to the children, who only had their old, overcrowded loop to compare it to. There were four rickety beds, though they did seem to be clean, and a barren nightstand next to each of them. 

“Ah… I forgot that this only had four beds. I can get ye another room, or-”

“No, no, this is fine. Thank you for your help, Kev.” You subtly ushered him toward the door.

“Oh- well, if ye need anythi-”

“Yes, of course. Ta, then! Have a nice day!” You shut the door, leaving him very confused.

Alex was wheezing on the floor behind you.

“That… that was absolutely amazing Miss Saker! You are an absolute icon!” 

What in Abaton does that mean? You never could understand the new slang terms that the 1970s held. 

Elina yawned, setting off all the other children and alerting you to their needs.

“Alright then, time for bed.” Immediately, they were completely awake.

“I’m not tired at all, Miss Saker, therefore I shan’t be able to fall asleep.” 

“The fact that your accent is coming out very strongly tells me that you are indeed tired, Leo.” You crossed your arms. “Bed. now.” Your wards slouched, and grudgingly picked out a bed each.

“Miss Saker, where will you sleep tonight?” Astrid asked as you were tucking her covers in.

“On the floor, of course. Now, did you remember to take off your gloves?”

“But it won’t be comfortable! The floor is so hard and cold and dirty and-”

“Your gloves, Astrid.” She was very talkative, even late at night, though you had come to enjoy it. Sometimes.

She took off the gloves that helped control her peculiarity and was about to start chattering again when Elina suddenly spoke up from her bed in the corner.

“I could make you a nest with a spare blanket, Miss Saker?” You gave her one of your very rare genuine smiles.

“That would be lovely, Elina.”

“Wait- how did she know you were going to sleep in bird form?” Alex asked, finally catching on. You smiled again at Elina and kissed her on the forehead.

“She’s made me a little nest before when I fall asleep in my study while in bird form.”

“And that happens often?”

“Surprisingly so. Now, snuggle in and no more talking.” As the children said their goodnights, you finally transformed into your bird form; a stunning saker falcon. You jumped lightly onto Elina’s bed, careful not to hurt her with your razor-sharp talons or accidentally hit her with your wing (which had happened on more than one occasion). 

Though you nestled into the warm bunch of blankets right away, you didn’t fall asleep until much later, and even then, you were restless all night. 

---

Little did you know, in the old manor that you would trek to the next day, a group of peculiars and one very curious ymbryne had observed all of this. Alma LeFay Peregrine set her watch and gave the children a reassuring smile while she pondered what this meant and why her stomach had fluttered when you gave that dazzling smile.