#girl king who acts like fucking dracula i love u

[kagoutiss]

rendered him more than i meant 2 :’-D

[lovenona]

i'm glad I made your night with my goofy ass lol for some reason I'm in a vampire mood for the thousandth time and wondered what your hot takes were for vampire gojo, nanami and toji? 💀 oof, that kind of sounds like a request but literally you're one of my favorite writers so i wanted to ask you about that

thank u for this king....i think I had too much fun <3

gojo – there’s a reason this man looks like he is perpetually 12 years old!!! he strikes me as the twilight brand of vampire: disgustingly pretty, clear skin, sparkles in the sunlight (which he does, often. his thing is going to the beach on super sunny days and lying there like a fucking diamond. if anyone asks he says it’s due to his really obscure body lotion that just “makes you sparkle!” we hate him.) he’s the opposite of brooding, though; he’s just that strange and mildly annoying neighbor of yours who you simply can’t pin down. you know there’s something a little different about him – he never seems to sleep, his pantry is empty except for expensive gourmet chocolate from the pastry shop, and he tries just a little too hard to be hip with the times. gojo is millennial extreme. weird neighbor gojo quotes vines and tik toks like the fucking bible, he does “all the little internet challenges,” and he tries to invent cool new slang (stop trying to make fetch happen, gojo. it’s never going to happen.) it’s his insistence that he’s part of “this generation” that tips you off more than anything. (and the fact he doesn’t show up on camera when he’s trying to take selfies, but that’s a different story.) all in all he’s a pretty chill vampire, even if he is constantly being put on trial by the volturi. 8.5/10

nanami – god he is just old soul sexy. i wouldn’t say that he harbors the terror of the original stoker dracula, but he certainly has the class (and definitely some of the absolute queer-coding, but you didn’t hear it from me.) nanami is the sexy vampire who lives alone in his big gothic castle: this man is the absolute king of vampire brooding. he’s actually cool with the fact the townspeople are terrified of him, because that means he doesn’t have to be bothered by the neighbors and can simply write dramatic memoirs in peace. every night he puts on a suit and dines alone at a big oak table. nanami doesn’t need to eat real food, of course, but he enjoys the ritual and the finery of it. he’s a vampire that doesn’t avidly feed on lives humans, you know? he’s an ethical king. a vampire vegan. frankly, you just sort of stumbled upon his castle after a night wandering around because you were terribly lost. our king nanami let you stay the night and had no plans of sucking your blood – if anything, he tried to get you out of his castle as fast as possible. sadly for him, though, you were super into his “eternal beauty” and “aloof nature” and “old, decrepit castle” vibe he had going on. after all, he’s got a lot of sick artwork and artifacts and old books lying around that majestic castle of his. a cold, old soul nanami who doesn’t age and respects the shit out of you? yeah, sign me up. 11/10. 

toji – if nanami is the refinement and queer-coded class of stoker’s dracula, toji is the feral, bloodthirsty version. vampire toji is an absolute menace to society: he’s one of those vampires that just doesn’t quite care if anyone knows about his existence. he can and will lure young girls into alleys just to suck their blood and turn them into vampires (read: lucy in dracula.) he incites violence just for fun. he’s dark and dangerous and embodies everything that you should fear about vampires. he even wears all black just to keep up the aesthetic!! he’s pretty obvious about it: he “works a night job” (won’t go outside in sunlight), he “hates going to restaurants” (doesn’t eat unless it’s a hot girl’s blood, sorry) and looks suspiciously attractive all the time (bitch we get it ur immortal.) he’s the dracula that wants to take over the world, create chaos, and make even more vampires just for shits. he will think it’s funny if you try and wave some garlic at him or get a rosary or shut your windows at night – man will just take the garlic home and add it to his collection (why are you collecting it babe. your house smells.) you probably found out about his little secret because you literally caught him in the act one night, which means toji will now have to turn you into a vampire. whether or not that’s tragic is up to you: who doesn’t want to spend eternity with feral toji???? 8/10 because we love him but he needs to calm down

[petergriffinhateblog-blog]

do you have any issues with any other cartoon dads? Like Stan Smith, Bob Blecher, Homer Simpson, or even like Jerry Smith

i have been waiting for this question

stan smith?? i can’t answer that. i don’t know enough about him to, and i even had to google his name just to figure out who he was. ??/10 also he’s apparently from american dad, so like.. that’s a thing i guess.

bob belcher? good dad. could be better, but he’s not fucking abusive and he does the best he can for his family. he seems to genuinely love both his wife and his children, and the antics that happen don’t end up directly due to his haphazardly reckless personality like Someone We Will Not Name. 9/10

homer simpson? i don’t know how to feel about him. i know enough, but... he’s still fucked up bart with the physical abuse. he hasn’t fucked up NEARLY to the Family Man’s degree, but the constant choking of bart isn’t good. though... he does seem to be supporting of their hobbies. there’s actually an episode (link, BUT READ THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH BEFORE U WATCH SO U KNO THE WARNINGS) where bart gets sent to Hell School (like a literal school in hell) and... fits in there?? and does good on his grades?? and both homer and marge are very supportive of it, to the point where the ‘final test’ or whatever for bart is to.. torture homer, and he’s okay with it!! he wants bart to succeed enough that he’s willing to go through physical pain and literal torture by his own son’s hand just for that to happen!!!!!

homer’s a flawed man and has Definitely made some mistakes, but i think his intentions are noble and he Does wish the best for his kids. he actually has a shot of bart forgiving him, or even keeping him within his life once he becomes an adult. 5.5/10 (or 6.5/10 on good episodes)

jerry smith from rick and morty? uhhhhh... he’s... i guess he’s a dad. he’s not.. a Good dad.. but he’s not really a bad one either. he wants morty and summer to stay out of harm’s way, which is good, but... he’s kind of a pansy. the only time he really steps up to the bill is in the cronenberg universe, which means that it takes Very Severe Circumstances just for him to actually do something. he supports summer in her weird Floating Head Religion, he wants morty to get a proper education and stay out of trouble, and his worst qualities are that he’s Fucking Annoying and kinda selfish, though neither of these traits have really put the children in harm’s way.

good person? no. he’s kind of a failure/bum/dropout dad in every sense of the manner. but good dad? yea, i don’t think he’s done anything wrong. 8/10, or 7 cause maybe i’m forgetting something? anyway he’s pretty high up there concerning his kids.

and here’s some other dads:

nigel thornerry from the wild thornberries. good dad. kinda oblivious and ignorant, but he’s probably the best goddamn dad on here. 10/10. good dad.

paul blart from paul blart mall cop 2, specifically. i haven’t seen the first one, just the second. he’s.. a wreck. the whole movie is a wreck. he spends like half the movie trying to make his daughter give up her dream college, and he is a helicopter dad who doesn’t want her doing anything without him knowing Exactly What It Is. luckily, there’s no consistency in here, so these things get fixed. 4/10, you can tell they’re acting out the relation and not actually parent/child.

goku from dragon ball z? 0/10. -1/10. bad dad. bad man. is there a hate blog for him yet? fuck goku. i mean.. ok, for those of you who don’t know, it’s apparently heavily implied throughout the manga that he’s from that goku only fights people because he’s just.. REALLY INTO FIGHTING. he doesn’t give a good god damn about the earth or his friends or whatever, not beyond.. them being his friends. it’s a canon thing he doesn’t experience the feeling of “love”, and just accepted chichi’s proposal cause she’s pretty and asked first and also makes good food. he’s a pretty nice/chill dude, but... he’s not a good dad.

piccolo from dbz. ???????? 2/10. better than goku, but that’s not saying much. what the fuck stop throwing gohan at rocks.

vegeta from dbz. i dont remember how he is as a dad but i remember a comic of trunks giving him a cup that says “worlds okayest dad” and that’s canon as far as i’m concerned. okayest/10

professor utonium from ppg. i haven’t seen the reboot so don’t ask me about that, after the transphobic episode i don’t wanna hear it. from the OLD series, though?? he was a good dad. he was up there with nigel on Best Dads. 9/10 he gets a point off because he doesn’t know the extent of the girls’ powers nor does he seem to care to??? which is a big flaw to me. if my kids had magic powers, i’d go out of my goddamn way to see their limits so i can make enhancements for them. he’s a scientist who built them a giant robot why can’t he build other, minor shit for them too..

mr krabs from spongebob? fuck you. 4/10 because you’re higher than goku, peter, and piccolo, but you just pay off your daughter to not be annoying. what the fuck

mufasa from lion king. he’s... uh. 9/10. he tries, he’s a pretty good dad. he’s just not around that long?? but i mean. he died saving his kid. that’s pretty damn good dadding skills.

everyone from the Dad Dating Simulator gets a collective 8/10. they’re all pretty ok. amanda’s really cute, i cried a few times gazing upon her. please support her, she deserves it.

count dracula from hotel transylvania... 7/10. very sheltering, but he means well. at least.. in the first movie? i don’t think i watched the second one.

mr turner. 6/10. he gets pity points, timmy turner is like 50 and yet pretends to be like 10. mr turner has to be exhausted. he’s a good dad despite being stuck in literal parenting hell. as much as you love your kid, being stuck in the same year over and over with your son being Pretty Much The Most Selfish God Ever is... kinda awful.

im missing a bunch of dads but it’s also 4:30 AM and i have been answering this question for the past like.. hour and a half. i’m tired. i need my strength.