#gilly vonka and the cookie factory

[clavissionary-position]

Gilly Vonka and the Cookie Factory

warning: Gilbert spoilers cuz this whole thing is just a shitty allegory for his route

Luke: Ooh. A golden ticket. In my honey. That I definitely didn't buy at the store. Nice

Jin: My Mongrel Eyepatch senses are tingling

Luke: Nah, you're just overthinkin things

Jin: You trying to gaslight me?

Luke: Me? Gaslight? I don't even know what that word means. And I definitely didn't learn it from my dad

Jin: Well yeah cuz he's dead

Luke: What? WHEN?

Luke: Somebody patch me thru to Obsidian

Luke: FATHER CAN YOU HEAR ME

--

Emma: I'm not eating this, Clavis. And there's something sticking out of it

Clavis: Hahaha, those are the bunny ears!

Emma: No, I mean this... ticket-looking thing...

Emma + Clavis: *grabs ticket at the same time*

Clavis: Gasp, can it be

Emma: Uh, whatever it is, you can have it

Gilbert: What's all the fun commotion over here? Gasp, is that a golden ticket?

Emma: It's gold and ticket-shaped, so I guess so?

Gilbert: You know what this means! You've been invited to the world-renown Obsidian Cookie Factory

Gilbert: Sigh. Weep. I'm so jealous. I wish I could go. SNiffle

Emma: You can have my ticket

Clavis: Whoa whoa, hold on now. It's my ticket too

Gilbert: Wrong. That ticket is for the Little Rabbit

Clavis: Says who?

Gilbert: Says the Emperor of the Cookie Factory, whom I speak for. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them. Look at me twirl my cane

Clavis: Well I see no reason to doubt you even though no one has heard from or seen the Emperor of the Cookie Factory in 10 years

Gilbert: Baking cookies is a full-time job. The Emperor doesn't have time to run around twirling his cane for just anybody. Little Rabbit, are you watching me twirl my cane? Don't think I won't notice you ignoring me if you stand on my eyepatch side. I have eyes everywhere

Roderich: *from the bushes* She's ignoring you, Your Highness

Clavis: Cyran, is she ignoring me too?

Cyran: *from beside Roderich* I don't know. You have eyes, you tell me

Cyran: Say, you sound familiar. Have we met before?

Roderich: *randomly inhales helium* I don't know. Obsidian's a big place. Is that your golden ticket?

Cyran: What?

Roderich: *points to the golden ticket sticking out of Cyran's hair*

Cyran: Ew, I don't want this

Gilbert: Even though I placed it so gently...

Cyran: What?

Roderich: I didn't say anything

Cyran: It sounded like you

Roderich: *microdoses helium* I think you're mistaken

Cyran: Are you gaslighting me?

Roderich: Are you taking the fucking ticket or not

To be continued

--

Partially inspired by this hilarious post with randonauticrap here, oh and that hilarious fic thenovelartist wrote based on my headcanon about gilbert being the host of a children's television tv show. I'll link if i can find it again