#gildedenvy

[osbxrne]

@gildedenvy said: “All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn’t be that hard but. . . it is.”

They’ve been at this for a few days now, this gig of writing and reviewing. Heretics, that’s what they are now. Admittedly, it’s kind of fun to talk about something other than her pregnancy or the weather. Sometimes they even get into topics such as these, talking about their places in Gilead. Seems Serena isn’t quite satisfied with her place here either. Wives have bad things too, the handmaid has to remind herself. ❛ May I be frank? ❜ She wouldn’t await her mistress’ permission, instead just move forward.

❛ It sounds like you’d be much happier outside of Gilead, Serena. You aren’t built for this world. ❜ Anyone who wasn’t a Commander couldn’t thrive here, she’d argue. ❛ Why don’t you leave? Have you ever… thought about it? ❜ This was dangerous territory she was entering and June knew it.

[osbxrne]

Does anyone leave when they love anyone? That question she could answer with ease. ❛ No, I guess not. ❜ She’d never leave Gilead without Hannah, not willingly anyhow. June promised herself she’d get her daughter out, and that much she intended to do. It didn’t matter how long it would take or what risks she’d face, Hannah would be home, with her real family, one day. June also promised she’d keep this new little one from growing up in this place. It’s another promise she planned on risking everything to keep. But love for your children was different from romantic love. It manifests differently, fills your form differently. It washes over you like some incoming wave you cannot fight.. You cannot help for whom you fall, even if that person is awful.

Though, with the way Serena seems so wistful, it’s not hard to imagine the Commander was different once. Maybe he let the power of Gilead go to his head, corrupt him and turn him into such a vile creature. Or maybe it was always there, just below the surface, lurking and awaiting it’s moment to shine. June, herself, has trouble thinking about him as anyone other than the man that rapes her monthly. The man who craves connection so desperately that he plays illegal Scrabble with the two-legged womb residing in his home.

❛ Forgive me, Mrs. Waterford, but how could you come to love someone so… ❜ She had to choose her words carefully, lest she wish this whole thing to go up in flames. ❛ Difficult to be around. Was he really different before this place? ❜ She thinks of Luke, her beloved husband fighting for her safe return in some other country. Then she thinks of Nick, her forbidden romance just under Gilead’s nose. Would she stay in this place for either of them the way she had for Hannah? June wasn’t sure she would. Romantic love was different, but it wasn’t that strong.

Serena Joy Waterford was a wife to one of the highest commanders in Gilead, yet she’d often felt insignificant where the other emerald-clad women floated effortlessly, fueled by pride and ego. Before the United States had become Gilead, she was a scholar and an author. She and Fred had worked hand in hand, and he valued her and made her feel loved and revered. The ghosts of memories were dangerous things that often danced within her mind in the late nights she couldn’t sleep, and now she faced them, even if she hadn’t realized that her musings had slipped out into the open with her Handmaid of all people to witness it.

Nonetheless, it was too late now. She had started to slowly unravel the threads of the cloak she donned to conceal her deepest thoughts, a metaphorical shield that ironically seemed to match the heavy green cloak on the coat hook in the office now while Fred was out of commission.

“Offred…”

The blonde hesitated and stared into a void her mind had spun upon the fibers of the page before her, jaw tense. She wasn’t sure if she should answer that question, considering the hierarchy society had placed them in and their stark contrast within it.

“Does anyone leave when they love anyone? Sometimes…,” she hesitated before pursing her lips and then dragging her delicate hand over her face after dropping the pen she held, “I still hope. Things weren’t always like this… Fred and I. We were younger once, excited about life…”

A wistful smile slowly came to be on her lips as she laid her chin in her hand, drawing in a steadying breath. The façade had come down between the two women in the safety of this little project they embarked upon. It was too late to turn back in this moment, and something felt good about Serena being able to finally speak.

To finally breathe.