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butididntpourthewhiskeys · 6 years ago

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It’s TIME

A little something. I hope you enjoy it xx _______________________________________________

“Yes, you too. Oh wait.. can you open my dress?” She quickly asks, gets a laughing yes back from her friend and opens the door she was just standing in, a little bit more. Abigail steps closer and Taylor turns around, patiently waits for her friend to open the back of her heavy dress. She loved wearing it, loved to feel like a fairy, but is definitely happy to be able to take it off now. Sitting, standing and eating in the firm fabric has been exhausting.

Her glance suddenly falls onto the little frame next to her bed, right under the big mosaic lamp that is the only source of light in her room. The frame holds a picture of her and Joe, a polaroid to be precise. She smiles. She can’t wait to finally talk to him.

“There you go.” Abigail says and Taylor turns around, holding the frontside of the dress close to her chest. She kisses her cheek once and smiles. “Thanks. And thanks again for tonight.” Taylor says and Abigail grabs her hand, just shakes her head. “Don’t thank me, oh my god. Of course. Always. Now sleep tight.” She says and leaves the room. “You, too.” Taylor just answered and watches her walk down the wooden floors of her New York home. She’s so happy her friends were there. She’s so happy that some of the people who know her best were able to hold hands, give her some encouraging words and helped her enjoy this night.

Taylor quickly enters the bathroom, still holding the dress close to her chest to prevent it from falling down. She quickly reaches for the phone she left in the bathroom and unlocks the screen.

1 unread message: Joe.

She smiles, quickly opens the message and wanders back to her bed where she then slowly sits down.

I’m up. Call me.

Taylor quickly opens FaceTime. She places the phone on the bed and quickly lets the dress slip off her body. Just in that second Joe picks up, who is still in bed, and just laughs. “What a bloody fantastic hello” he jokes with a sleepy voice, admiring her physique. He got a pretty good look at her strapless bra and thong, even if just for a second. Taylor by now just rolls her eyes, holds the camera so that he can see her face while walking up to her closet, where she turns on the light. The dress over her arm, Joe on the other end of the line. She has to smile at his sleepy face. He quite literally just woke up.

“So good to see you how did you..”

“It’s good to see you, love, can I get another look of your outfit? I just saw the pictures online and I guess I missed out big time.” He says and Taylor just laughs shyly, sits down on the little canapé in her walk in closet. She was so determined to get changed. But now she just wants to get a good look of his face first. Seeing him on this screen always reminds her within the first few seconds how much she actually misses him. Silly thoughts slowly creep up from down under. Thoughts on how she even handles being without him since so many weeks. Thoughts on the fact that she didn’t kiss this face in a month. She feels crazy in these moments, dependent, vulnerable.. in love.

She certainly is crazy. Mostly about him.

“Yeah you did. It was so fun. We danced until, like, 1 am. It was incredible.” She says smiling and makes Joe smile as well. He still is wrapped in the sheets, his hair messed up from the night. How much she wishes she was next to him right now.

“Can you put the dress on for me again?”

Taylor just sighs, then laughs quietly. “Babe I sent you like ten thousand pictures of me in that dress, why..”

“Please, I want to actually see you in it. You looked so breathtaking. I woke up to these pictures and.. wow. I can’t believe you’re even real.”

Taylor laughs, then sighs and slowly gets up.“Okay. But I can’t close it by myself, so..”

“That’s perfect. Just five seconds.” He says. Taylor laughs, places the phone on the couch while quickly getting dressed.

“What time is it now? Did you get some sleep?” She asks, hears Joe yawn and move in his bed.

“It’s 5 am. Minus 2 degree. I slept for four hours. We had problems with the set last night and wrapped up at like 1, so yeah.. two hours of sleep. I feel fresh.” He says sarcastically, laughs quietly. Taylor immediately grabs the phone again and holds it close to her. “Oh my god, go back to sleep! We can talk later.”

“No, I’m just.. happy to see you. Fuck sleep, I want to see that dress now.” he answers, makes her smile.

“Okay, wait, I will place you next to my lamp so that you can see it.” She says and walks back to the bedroom. She holds the fabric close to her again and Joe laughs. “I love sitting next to your lamp. My favorite spot.” She giggles as well, then slowly walks back to make him see her entire dress. She spins around a few times, turns from left to right.

“It looks different when it’s closed though, but I just love the fabric.. it’s so flowy..” she says, actually enjoys doing this little dance in front of him. She can see his face. She can see how much he likes it.

“Do you even know that you’re by far the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen in my life ?” Taylor swallows, feels how she’s blushing. Joe is never one for cheesy words, but sometimes, without her seeing it coming, he hits her deep in the heart. So casually, beautifully cruel.

“Thank you so much for saying that..” She says a little more shy than before. She quickly takes the phone again, but this time, lets the dress just slip off her body and crawls under the bed. She moves around, until she’s under her heavy white sheets. She doesn’t care that her make up is still full on her face. Right now, it’s time to talk to him. And nothing else.

“You’re very welcome. I’m so sad I couldn’t be there today, but at the same time I’m so proud of you that it even makes me feel less guilty.”

“Joe!” She stops him, can’t believe he just said that, “What guilt?? For working on an important project? Stop that.” She says and Joe turns around in his bed again. This time, he ends up on his chest, lets his chin fall into the pillow and holds the phone right in front. She just looks at him, waits for an answer. She won’t let him get away with this so quickly.

“I just wish I could be there with you right now.” He mumbles then, his voice a little more fragile than before. Taylor swallows, lets her head slowly fall back and smiles warmly into the screen. She feels so intimate with him all of the sudden, knows exactly that this is his way of being desperate for her. Taylor might be the one being vocal, running around and telling all her friends and family how much she misses him. She knows that Joe keeps these things more to himself. But hearing him like that just shows her that she’s not the only one suffering. A weirdly good feeling.

“Me too. But I have a countdown for London and whenever I check it I smile because it’s really not that long anymore. Only two weeks. Thirteen days to be precise. And we both know what a magical number that is..” she babbles quietly and Joe laughs.

“I need that countdown. Can you send it to me from now on whenever you check?” He asks and Taylor nods. She can’t believe how needy he is. She never experienced him like this but one thing is certain: He truly is homesick.

“How is Iceland? Did you have snow again today?” She asks and Joe nods.

“Yeah, it just doesn’t stop. So bad. I have a table read at 2pm and a one- shot afterwards and then we’re all going out to dinner together. I’d rather stay in the hotel room and talk to you though, to be honest.”

“Baby..” She says softly. It kinda breaks her heart that he seems so down. The cold weather in Spring, the strangers he works with, the long distance from his friends and family has really been tough on him.

“Don’t be down. You’re shooting a multi- million dollar movie. You can be SO proud and enthusiastic about everything you do. It’s just a few more days. Enjoy every second, I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to try it.” She says and Joe sighs, nods into the pillow. He doesn’t seem to be in the mood to talk about it, she can feel that.

“Tell me about your night. I want to know everything.” He says and she smiles.

“I performed the new song.. it was scary but it went well. I talked to Emilia Clark about the new episode that just aired..”

“Okay, I am jealous now.” Taylor laughs.

“Yeah and then Abi and me just danced while everyone looked at us weirdly. The cake they had was amazing! Austin got drunk, I only had a glass of champagne though.. it was great.” She says. Joe laughs.

“Austin got drunk? Drunk as in drunk, or..” Taylor giggles, lets her head fall back before sitting up again and fixing the white blanket around her body.

“He got all smiley suddenly. We died.”

Now Joe laughs as well, turns in bed again. “Damn, now I actually really regret not being there.”

“Oh oh oh…” Taylor suddenly says, snaps her finger, trying to remember a name. “The guy that we met at the Oscar’s was there… the guy whose name rhymes with..”

“Spencer Pick?”

“Yes!” She says laughing, “He asked how you are, I said fantastic. He asked if you’re working and I said you’re just tying to be as far away from me as possible.” She teases and Joe grins with her.

“I’m counting miles now, correct.” He smirks.

Taylor sighs, cuddles herself a little more into the sheets now. Joe just watches her in awe through the camera. He can’t stop smiling. The second she appeared on that screen was the second his happiness was back again. She completes him. He can’t even explain it.

“You’re probably tired, huh..”

“Yeah, we were at Gigi’s party last night until 1 in the morning and then Abi and Austin opened a bottle of wine and… I barely slept.” She grumbles into the sheets, holds the phone so that he can still see her.

“I’m so sorry, my love. I think you should go to sleep and we can talk tomorrow if you want.”

“No, I want to talk to you as long as possible. When do you have to leave? You said 2pm right?” Joe laughs softly, then starts speaking again after a few seconds.

“Babe, you can’t stay up until it’s morning in New York. You have big days ahead. You need your energy and you can always call me if you need me, day or night. But these days are about your work. And don’t worry about me, I’m always here anyway.” He assures her. The last thing he wants is for her to be knackered on these days that are more than big for her. He has been lucky enough to see her creative process. To witness how she worked on something that means the world to her. How she poured her entire heart into this album. She deserves to be awake, refreshed and energized for all of this.

“I miss you so much, I.. I don’t deal with it too well at the moment.” She suddenly says, a soft whisper escaping her mouth. She feels him radiate the same, feels his soft eyes on hers. She knows it doesn’t help, but she just wants him to know. He should know, after all.

“I know. I really know. Me, too. Just know that I’m always here, like I said, you can always call me and see me through this screen.” He says to cheer her up. She nods slowly, but Joe can see that her eyes get a little more red than usually. It helps him a lot to know that she suffers as well. That the past four weeks were not just hard on him, but just as much on her. It brings him relief, in an unexpected way. Sharing the pain truly makes it easier.

“And just know that to me..” He then says slowly, “to me, you’re the most talented, smart, beautiful woman in the world. And I love you a lot. You’re gonna kick ass, love.”

Taylor quickly wipes away a little tear that fell down her cheek. She smiles. And nods. His words touched her once more. “I love you too.”

Joe sighs, his hand on his forehead, laying on his back. This is torture.

“You don’t even know how badly I want to kiss you right now. Please don’t cry.”

Taylor just laughs it off, tries to be strong for him. She smiles, her eyes still a bit red though. “Thirteen days. Almost twelve.” She says.

“Get some sleep. We will talk right when you wake up, I promise.” Joe says, just wants her to sleep and recover.

“Sounds good. I love you and enjoy your day, okay?” Taylor says and Joe nods, smiles.

“For you I will. Promise.”

“Good.”

“Love you, baby.” Taylor presses a kiss onto the screen, making Joe laugh. They both ramble for a few more minutes until finally ending the call. Taylor sighs, lets her phone slip on the sheets. Then she gets up, manages to pick up the expensive dress from the floor and disappears in the bathroom. After a few more minutes she crawls into these sheets again. This time with her PJs and a make up free face. She sighs, turns off the lights, when she suddenly remembers that her phone was somewhere on the sheets. She turns around, reaches for it a few times until she finally finds it. Just as she turns around to reach for her charger she notices her screen lighting up again.

1 unread message: Joe.

“I don’t know how it’s even possible, but I just stare at these pictures since we hung up and with every minute you get more beautiful. You look really happy and I know I’m usually not the type for this but I just felt like it’s time to tell you that I hope you know that I am happy too. You make me really happy, monkey. Enough cheesiness for tonight. Sorry. Kiss”

Taylor smiles, stares at the screen in the dark like a teenager. She doesn’t move, doesn’t answer, just reads his message again and again. Then she sends him a heart. Simply a heart. She knows. She absolutely knows.

#taylor swift #joe and taylor #joe alwyn #joe and taylor fanfiction #taylor swift fanfiction

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unkindnessofone · 7 years ago

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5SOS. One Nest

This was a tough one to write. I don’t know how good it is. I know some people might not like it but it was highly requested. Probably helpful to read Rooms You're Tall In first. Enjoy. There’s a lot of stuff I want to write more on that happens in this story, let me know what you think! It’s also dedicated to my beloved @rotten-kandy who is always so supportive and nice to me. An absolute sweetie!

Dry from cleaning Daphne's car with more elbow grease than he was used to exerting these days, Luke took his uncomfortable hands on a search for salvation in the drawers of his wife's vanity in their bedroom. It wasn't as if he was snooping because it was where he often sat while she tweezed his eyebrows, trimmed his hair, or just harassed her with his mouth and hands while she tried to wax her own upper lip or attach her false eyelashes before going out. Plus Cagney was sitting right there, legs crossed as she listened intently to her daughter on the phone. Usually, the three just Skyped, but every now and again someone would ring up the other for a check in. Luke glanced at the time on his own phone in the pocket of his jeans and figured it was very early in the morning for Penelope. She was probably on her way to school or still just eating breakfast beforehand.

“I know what it's like. I've been there.” Cagney nodded at the end of both her sentences, offering her daughter some empathy before leaning into her advice. “It's nice to consider everyone's feelings, but you need to do what's best for you at the end of the day.” She had always told that to her children. When Miles had debated quitting football briefly, when March didn't want to go to another kid's birthday party, and when she was trying to get Penelope to reconsider going out on the weekend when there were exams to study for. Cagney very much believed in letting her kids make their own choices, but she still wanted to steer for them when they allowed her to. “I know he's your best friend.” Luke's interest was peeked and he stopped actually looking for his wife's hydrating hand cream and just stared at her profile while shuffling around aimlessly in her top left drawer. “Well, he is responsible for his choices and actions and you are responsible for yours. You can't make someone else's mind up for them.” Luke nodded in agreement even though he knew how frustrating that fact could be. He still was getting teased by his friend's for once roaring, over a decade ago, that everything would just be better if people did what he wanted. Calum and Skye had vowed to never let him live it down.”Alright, Pen. Have a great day at school, try not to think about it.” She didn't think her driven and usually relaxed daughter should have any trouble with compartmentalizing. “Do you want to talk to your dad before you go?” Luke stood up straight and reached for the phone eagerly. “Okay, I love you.” Cagney moved her cellphone from her ear and ended the call. “What are you looking for?” She asked before putting her phone down between her round brush and dry shampoo can.

“Hand cream.” Luke sighed, disappointed that Penelope hadn't said so much as 'hello' to him. He had talked to her just the other day in the morning out of the blue, but he wanted every opportunity to hear how she was. France was far away, but with her there, it felt even further. Of course, he understood she was probably running late for school and that was the priority.

Cagney opened up the top drawer on her other side and produced an apricot scented tube from the drug store, “I re-organized.” She told him with a smile before tending the open Zuca kit behind her, shifting around on the chair to sift through it. She had an upcoming girl's trip with Simone in a few days, joining one of her closest friends as a hairstylist and shopping buddy while she went to different stores where her jewelry was sold among the boroughs of New York. Cagney had been worried about leaving with March being so down in the dumps, but Luke was on vacation from all his producing jobs and his own creative work that she felt better about being going away. He and Luke had been becoming closer and Cagney thought there couldn't be a better time for them to delve into bonding.

“How is Pen?” On the edge of the bed, massaging his hands together thoroughly with just a dime size of lotion, Luke enquired. He would have been satisfied with just a quick 'good' or 'great', but he knew Cagney would give him more details. The kids talked to them about different things. Cagney always managed to earn their gossip and emotional rants while Luke earned more practical questions and what they should ethically do in real and hypothetical situations.

“She seemed a little stressed.” It was a sentence neither of them had uttered about their eldest and it was also one they had never heard about her. Luke completely stopped what he was doing, hand lotion bottle open beside him and hands still clasped together, and just zoned in on the straight center part of his wife's perfectly blown out hair. “She is in a love triangle. Well, kind of.” It wasn't as if they knew how Jules felt. To quote Penelope, 'He's just being so wonderful and French, so I don't know!'

“Is that what you two were talking about when I walked in?” He had only heard what Cagney's advice to her was. She didn't keep the volume on her phone as loud as he did his, Luke couldn't make out anything being said on the other end of the call.

“Yeah. She doesn't want to hurt anyone, you know? Connor and her apparently had a fight when he came in because he thought they would just pick up where they left off here and Penelope's met someone else that she thinks she might like.” While Miles had been lusting over every male and female body on the beach since he was about eleven and March had lost count of the girls on television that he had tickled his pickle to, Penelope was always unconcerned when it came to romantic feelings and relationships. She just always found other paths more interesting. It wasn't as if guys didn't pursue her and one particularly relentless female, but Penelope never really cared enough to try. Both Cagney and Luke figured this French guy must have been somebody special to capture the attention of their cool daughter.

“You told her to just do what she wants?” He paraphrased from his wife's response that he only could half recall now and closed up the lotion's tube with his much nicer feeling hands.

“I think that's pretty solid advice.” If Connor or this Jules fellow talked to their parents, which she doubted, Cagney assumed they would hear the same thing.

“I don't know.” Luke mused as he stood up and stretched. His arms and knees were sore from a lifetime of playing music physically as well as just from the last hour he spent with March scrubbing at the paint that refused to part ways with Daphne's car windows.

“What? You've never liked two people at the same time before?” Cagney finally looked up from her bag, two large cans of hairspray in one hand and asked Luke with a humored smile. When she met him in London in the Sassoon salon, he was in fourteen different tabloid articles all with different girls. She figured somewhere in that time he must have accidentally sent a text for one girl to another or found himself on a date with a pretty blond while thinking of some other model. He was young and had the world at his fingertips after all.

“I don't think we should be getting into this.” Luke advised her as a warning before putting her lotion back in the wrong drawer. He leaned down and kissed her, a small peck on the lips. “I'm going to go to my studio.” He informed her and headed out the bedroom, changing the vibe as he petered out. It had been a long time since Cagney thought back to when they were new parents of twins, to before Luke managed to get his fear or missing out and his lust for approval under control, to when they both were the worst versions of themselves. It was before all the therapy, when the largest crack in their relationship existed, jagged, right down the middle.

-----------------

It was where he felt he really shone. Shirt off, skin to skin, laying somewhat upright with one of his infant sons on his chest. Luke felt pretty unimportant when his children were first born. He couldn't produce food for them and he didn't have the forty (or thirty eight and a half in the case of the twins) weeks of bonding that Cagney did with them. So he just took to the instructions of his wife and helped out like a half diligent and half dimwitted intern. When it came to soothing though, Luke knew he could do that and do it well. It was where he had the chance to comfort and bond with them. Depending on the mood of the baby, he would just tell them about his dad or he would sing low one of his favourite songs. He had bathed and put Penny to sleep in order to take a load off Cagney while she fed Miles his last meal of the night. When March grew fussy as soon as Luke put Penelope's bedroom light out, he groaned tired and took off down the hall of their Sydney home to the nursery. Instantly, he had his small screaming son in both hands and held him against the exposed part of his hairy chest under his shirt. Once seated in the rocking chair, a gift from Gigi Hadid when Cagney was pregnant with Penelope, and he snuggled March close while carefully unbuttoning a few more buttons to give March more warm skin. He was only eleven weeks old and the world was still a cold scream in comparison to his mother's water bed womb.

Once back asleep, Luke stayed put in the chair. His own body was exhausted and he was running a deficit with sleep himself. He closed his blue eyes and hung his head back while his knees kept the chair rocking slightly. It was another thirteen minutes before he forced himself to stand up, rest March back into his crib, and leave the room with a trace of his kiss on both the babies soft heads of barely blond hair.

Luke was ready to crash. He had been since he dragged his body that felt like swamp water and sludge home around five in the morning. He would have collapsed on the couch if the babies hadn't been up and Cagney, along with his mom, weren't sitting on the couch with both twins, the two of them screaming in unison. It had been natural for Luke to rush in and help. It bought him a little time to think of a good argument about why he was out all night for when his Mom asked. He knew she would.

Luke walked to his room with shut eyes. They only peeled open when a gust of wind hit him much to his surprise. When he spied into his bedroom, he saw a mess of his clothes everywhere - mostly jackets - and Cagney furiously shaking them, checking the pockets and throwing them on the floor. She was half in their spacious walk in wardrobe and half in the main room. She didn't stop when Luke came closer, she didn't even notice him there.

"Looking for something?" Luke leaned his shoulder and hip into the door frame and just watched her for a moment. He hated how attractive she looked when she was on a mission. He secretly loved watching her at a photo shoot where she was crunched for time and trying to finish Michael's hair. The serious look that took over her stare always hooked him in.

"I don't know." Cagney sighed, dropping his vintage John Varvatos motorcycle jacket to the grown with a groan. She really didn't know if she wanted to find something or not.

"What's going on?" He inquired through a yawn, one hand lazily trying to shield his open mouth.

"You tell me." Cagney swiped at the mess around her bare feet, grabbing the collar of the dirty jean jacket he had worn out the night before and tossing it at him, just barely missing his face. Luke fumbled and caught the item of clothes right before it met the floor again.

"I don't understand..." Sincerely clueless and confused, Luke responded and looked over the frayed lining of one of his favourite jackets. He really had no idea what she was so frazzled about, but Luke assumed they were both just too tired to communicate well.

"There's fucking coke in the pocket." She surprised Luke so quickly with her curse, something she didn't have a habit of doing, that he didn't notice her charge at him to pull at the jacket without concern for its material. She reached into the chest pocket and whipped out the tiny bag and it's even tinier white dust.

"Jesus, Keg. You went through my jacket?" It had been lying on the bed from when he peeled off his sweat and liquor scented clothes from the night before. It was Luke's turn to be disappointed.

"You lied to me!" Cagney had some inkling that his friend's birthday was more than just shots and staying up til the sun rose. She recognized the gray tone of Luke's skin from the one other time she had seen him after a night of countless bumps. It had been a few months after they officially began dating and she told him right then that it wasn't her scene. Luke had shrugged his way through an explanation, telling her he only did it once in a while when offered and that if she didn't like it, he wouldn't do it.

"What?"

"I asked you if you did coke this morning right before we showered." With three small kids, they hadn't been able to be as intimate and sexual as they had been when they only Penelope to consider. Thankfully Liz had offered to take Penny for lunch while the twins napped, giving Cagney and Luke time to spend together. "You said ‘no’ and then we had sex!" She felt absolutely furious.

"I don't really remember doing it, okay? It's not mine." He could be honest when he said he had never actually spent any money on cocaine.

"I don't think it's unreasonable to not want coke in the house!" They had small children wandering around. Cagney had a sick feeling that if Penny had found it somehow she would have thought it was candy and eaten it.

"Of course. It shouldn't be in here, I agree. If I knew I had it on me..."

"I don't want you to go out as much!" The words rushed out of her mouth before they even ran through her brain. Cagney was gripping at her messy ponytail and squinting her eyes shut. She was exhausted and now she was angry with her husband, the combination made her chest ache terribly. She realized only then in the silence that she was trembling.

"Okay..." Luke hated being told what to do, but he could see her body shaking under her generous gray shirt and black capri leggings. It was her uniform since having twins. She refused a nanny despite the many recommendations she was given. "Keg, I don't do coke." With trepidation, Luke began to approach her, stepping through his jackets and dress shirts. "You know I'm not an addict..."

"You party all the time."

"You've gone out since the twins were born." It wasn't as if she became June Cleaver after Penelope was born. She and Luke had always been really proud that they still went out even when Penelope was first born. They would spend their mornings exploring new cities as a family of three and then leave Penny with a sitter or Liz while hitting an after party, making out like teens before doing it all over again.

"I went out once to dinner with Grace. I had two glasses of wine and was home by midnight." She had felt guilty the whole time. "I don't believe you when you say you don't do coke." The signs were all stacking up in her mind. Her shoulder shook on purpose, forcing the hand Luke placed on her to slip off.

"Are you serious?" His eyes narrowed in on her and framed her tightly. Luke forgot all about his exhaustion as he felt himself be insulted by his wife.

"You have a problem. You're so fucking scared of missing out on a good time, so you stay out and get messed up with all your 'yes' people." She was overwhelmed with three small children and she knew Luke was as well, but they were choosing it to handle it differently. She was trying to do it all by herself like superwoman and he was trying to pretend his life hadn't drastically changed eleven weeks ago. “You don't want to grow up.”

“I am trying to make both my lives work!” He roared. Luke didn't expect Cagney to get it, not when they were both this overtired. He had to still be Luke Hemmings the rock star and the diligent husband and adoring father of three. It was not easy to strike an equal balance of the two very different lives. “When I'm out, I'm disappointing you and when i'm home, I'm disappointing everyone else.” He felt the strain no matter what he did. When he skipped album release parties and industry events to stay home with his family in Australia, Luke received countless annoyed texts or vaguely threatening emails from his management just like when he did fly elsewhere for a couple days he could feel the irritation from his wife. He fallen for her because of her warmth and understanding, but he had come to know she knew how to cast a chilly breeze with a single glance.

Luke had moved away from her now, thrusting his arms through his beloved denim jacket. He wasn't planning to leave though there was always somewhere for him to go. He was just overheating with anger and needed to do something with his hands. Cagney just watched him with utter disgust. It was an expression she hadn't ever given to him before. He had seen it before when she was cross with paparazzi coming to close, when another woman told Luke that she was okay being the other woman right in front of her, but it was never directed at Luke before and he had to look away. The sight of it brought shame shooting through his body. He felt dry and oily all at once. There was no amount of cleansing to rid him of how gross he felt.

“Well, I'm sorry that we are cramping your style here.” She overannunciated every word, making sure each vowel hit him before she kicked away the jacket closest to her and rushed out of their walk-in. “But don't worry, you keep bringing drugs into the house and partying til 5 in the morning, I promise we won't be here anymore.”

“Is that a threat? Fuck.” He growled right back, feeling the heat of her threat and reacting promptly without any though. “Are you fucking threatening me?” This was ugly now. They were headed to Michael and Grace territory, a place they promised not to go after listening through a hotel room wall to Grace throwing objects and Michael roaring like a poked and prodded tiger in it's cage. Luke knew, in the back of his mind, if they weren't so tired that things wouldn't have come to this, if he hadn't stayed out this wouldn't have happened.

“If you want to be Luke Hemmings, Party Monster, go for it. We'll be in Minnesota and we will not miss you and your hungover bullshit.” Cagney's finger ripped through the space between her and Luke. She nearly poked him right between the eyes.

“That's not funny, Cagney. Don't say that.” Luke could admit, maybe quietly between friends or to his older brothers, that he had been losing control lately. He was anxious when he missed out on a party somewhere, he craved the burn of whiskey down his throat the moment it hit six PM, and he liked being the center of attention. He wasn't under the spotlight at home and that was hard. Still, he couldn't stand the thought of his children being taken away from him. He hadn't realized how ungrateful he was that he was allowed to see them whenever he wanted and as much as he wanted. He had a job that allowed him to bring them with him. He didn't have to stress about daycare or family trips. He was lucky and, if he kept messing up, he would lose comforting his sons against his chest or splashing in the shallow end with toddler Penny.

“I'm not joking.” Her tone of voice made that crystal clear. “Go. I don't want to sleep near you tonight. I can't even look at you – bringing cocaine in the house. We are not these people.” She began to walk away from him, hands on her hips as she counted between her inhale and exhales.

“What do you want me to do, Keg?” Luke gasped, throwing his arms out at his side's like a scarecrow just to drop them against his ribs. He watched her backside and waited, hoping she would turn around and face him with the same kind eyes he had proposed to.

“I want you to be the person you promised me you'd be!” She went to scream, but instead, began to sob. Cagney's chest sunk inward as she stopped walking. She curled up in the middle of the room, hugging her stomach, and bawling. “I want you to be who Penny needs you to be.” Very slowly, as Luke crept up behind her with caution, Cagney turned around and squeaked. Luke opened up his arms to allow her in. He touched her like she was glass, but she pushed away while shaking her head expeditiously. “No!” She shouted and jumped away. “Be better. Get better. If you need to go away to do that or if we need to make changes, whatever. Just don't be this guy.” When the brought Penelope home, Luke was a dream. He was attentive and interested while also scared, but they were both in over their heads with the twins. Somehow, Cagney was laying on the door in the middle of the ocean while Luke had let go and was inviting water into his lungs.

He didn't need her to push him away anymore. He left the mess in their closet and walked out of the room. Luke would have rather stayed and comforted Cagney, but she refused to let him so he went downstairs to the basement to sleep by himself. As he shut off the hallway light, he passed by the twins room. There was no noise, not even the sound of a mobile or creak, so he kept walking. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted half of Penny's curious face through the forced crack between her door and it's frame. He and his wife bickering must have alarmed her. Luke locked his eyes with her and reached out to push her door open with a heavy sigh, but she took off running into her bed as quick as her very small feet could carry her. Luke decided to let it go. He was too tired. Simply, he took himself to the basement and brought out a fur blanket to sleep under in his underwear. His cell phone was lit up on his stomach when he awoke an hour after drifting off. Two year old Penelope Hemmings was crawling over his long legs without any knowledge on how to be discreet.

“I love you, Papa.” She whispered through the dark. Luke sleepily blew her a kiss with just his lips before moving the blanket behind his knees, allowing her to burrow behind them and stay warm with him.

-----------

It felt like years had gone by like speeding cars since he was last in front of Calum Hood and Skye Pierre's house. Of course, it had only been a few months since March last pulled up on his bike to pick up Daphne with the handles as a seat and bike downtown to hang out with a bunch of their friends doing nothing with slushie drinks in hand. When the two teenagers were together, they spent most of their time at the Hemmings house, but March had still become something of a staple in Calum's doorway where he would often wait for Daphne to finish getting ready. He had sat in the living room with Daphne, sprawled out over the coffee table, and helped her with her homework while finishing his own. March still felt like Skye's gravy was the best that he had ever had and that included a lot of five star meals and his mom's home cooking. Of course, he had not mentioned this fact to his mom.

March breathed slowly like his Dad had advised him to when he felt outside of the control room of his emotions. He watched his nervous and shaking hands on the steering wheel and didn't turn off Daphne's car until the anxiety subsided. Once the car was off, March pushed open the door and freed himself of the nostalgic scent of leather seats and Daphne's favorite perfume to spray after dance class in an attempt to mask her body sweat. As he walked around front of the car, he heard another door close. He was halfway up the driveway, just next to Skye's SUV when Daphne appeared in comfortable sweatpants and tight ribbed magenta sweater that pulled over her breasts that barely fit inside the fabric. Her hair was folded lopsided into a giant messy bun on top her head and March drove his eyes into the different twirls of chocolate hair to keep himself from gawking at the curves he missed touching.

“Here you go.” He reached forward with her keys, the oversized pink glittery cupcake fob on the end dangling in the space between them. “It's clean.”

After taking the keys, Daphne turned her head to stare at her car, previously covered in uppercase hate, and discreetly nodded in agreement that it was now clean. In fact, unless someone had seen it earlier in the evening, they would never know it had been vandalized.

“You didn't have to do that, you know?” Through her always breathy voice, Daphne told him. She wanted to look him in the eyes, but she hadn't been able to since coming out for longer than a second. Daphne just kept referring back to the heavy key fob in her hands as if it was more interesting than March's sharp blue gaze.

“I did, actually.” A hiccup of laughter choked it's way up March's throat at her comment. “You know how my Dad feels about being told 'no' when he asks us to do something.”

“True.” Daphne chuckled back. She hadn't realized this was the first pleasant exchange they shared since breaking up. It felt very naturally for them both. “Thank you. All of you guys.”

“Just so you know Miles didn't help at all.” While he had been nervous about dropping off the car and wished his Dad had just done it himself since he was the one who drove it to the car wash from the football game, March now felt relaxed. It was just him and the girl who meant everything to him. Her day had ended with bullying, so he didn't want to pile onto her anymore with the feelings that tormented him all the time. “He says he twisted his ankle at his game, so it was just me, my dad, and Taylor who worked on your car.” March was a twin before he was anything else and there was no way the guy older than him by just a few minutes was getting the credit for his hard work.

“You don't believe him?” Daphne dropped her keys into one pocket of her sweatpants before gripping her hip and asking with two brows raised so high that they disappeared under her messy bangs.

“Nope. I twist my ankle on my board all the time. He's hamming it up so he can lay around and watch TV and get out of washing a car.”

“He just had a football game.”

“Are you team Miles now? You don't have to be team March, but that's a low blow.” It was a fluid interaction. March had been teasing Daphne since they were as tall as their parent's shins. They just melted back into themselves on the driveway. They were laughing into one another's smiles and March was hoping time would stand still so he wouldn't have to say 'goodbye'.

“No!” Daphne shook her head and playfully retorted. “Twisted ankles hurt. I'm team be nice to your brother.”

“Fair, that's on brand.” March folded his arms around his chest as he laughed. A small silence stepped between them and he considered filling it. He could damper the moment with an apology for previous behavior, he could ask her how school was going and pretend to care about small talk, or he could reveal to her what everybody already knew by telling her he wanted her to be his girlfriend again. Daphne rubbed her lips over one another again and again, wondering what he would say if she invited him in or if she even had the right to know if he had hooked up with somebody since they broke up. “My board is in your backseat. I'm going to get it and go.” He told her and shuffled a few steps away, moving his arms down and pushing his hands into the pocket of his tight jeans.

“Okay, but don't leave yet.” She froze him by saying in a quiet rush. Daphne took off running back into her house and March waited patiently by her car's backseat door. He had no idea what was happening, but he was hopeful that she would come flying back out to kiss him or something like that. A guy could dream.

Instead, right as he reached in for his skateboard, he heard Daphne's front door close again and when he turned around, she was standing steps away from him with a a large Tupperware square. It wasn't her lips reglossed and all over his, but he could tell from the transparent edge that it was something with chocolate and that was a decent second.

“I made these to say 'thanks'.” She reached out to give him, figuring the brownies were secured enough for him to skateboard home with them. “Don't eat them all. Save some for your Dad and Taylor.” She supposed anybody else who wanted them as well. “There's pecans in them since Penny isn't at home.”

“Man, I've eaten so much peanut butter since she left.” He laughed mostly at himself, one palm on his belly so he could pat it as if it was full of only the food that could literally kill his older sister. “Thanks.” March took the Tupperware as soon as his board was on the ground. “And hey, Daph, if someone is being shitty to you at school, tell me.” He played it cool, running his empty hand through his hair, but March meant what he was saying as law.

“I didn't know if you'd care...” She admitted to her feet and the cement like it was an embarrassing secret.

“I'll always care.” As soon as he admitted it and her wide eyes went in on him, March wished he had kept that to himself. “And I'd happily rip the hands off of whoever wrote that shit on your car. Do you know who did it?” March had his own theories himself, but he didn't know as much about Daphne's life anymore. Maybe, she had a new enemy. He couldn't imagine the soft spoken dancer purposefully hurting anyone.

“I really don't.” She knew she wasn't exactly cool, but Daphne didn't think anyone hated her that much.

“Well, they're wrong. You're not those things and you're my friend. So let me know if it happens again.” March's stomach was feeling twisted inside. He felt like he had said too much and he might as well have been standing naked in front of her. “I really would kill whoever did it.” He promised again. “See you tomorrow.” He held the brownies against the side of his ribs and took off quickly, leaving Daphne to watch him skate away before moving her car into the garage. She felt better somehow. It seemed like things with March might be okay for now. She knew they may never go back to normal and that they might not actually be friends, but it was nice to hear him say so anyway.

= ~~~~~

Most days, Penelope's schedule was the same. She went to school, studied, and then took the subway for three stops to arrive back in her neighborhood and just a few blocks away from the restaurant she worked in for both money and experience. She was lucky because since she wasn't a culinary prodigy or had a plethora of experience in a kitchen, her routine still felt like a wild adventure where anything could happen. It was that kind of excitement that Penelope needed to stay interested in something. It was one of the many reasons she loved to surf back before she was chronically concussed. No matter how talented or well seasoned you were on your board, nobody ruled the water and you could encounter a challenge to conquer with every wave. Sometimes, experimenting with recipes gave her the same feeling. When something went wrong on her stove top or she had a few, but strange ingredients in her cupboard, she felt hugely successful when a good meal came through.

Penelope was wrestling her arms out of her lined autumn denim coat and into her white chef's jacket as she raced down the last block before work. She usually made impeccable time, but one of her instructors had asked her to stay after class to talk to her about getting a weekend of next month to go to the small town of Uzerche to visit and tour a cattle farm. He thought it would be an excellent opportunity for her since the closest thing she had been to was a petting zoo. He also really liked Penelope, much more than their pastry instructor did. Mademoiselle Valerie thought that Penelope lacked any instincts and criticized her work at any opportunity. Cerise always just told Penny it was because she was half American and Mademoiselle Valerie felt that French technique belonged to, simply, French people.

She pushed open the kitchen door and expected to be greeted by steam and the scent of rosemary olive oil. Instead, she nearly collided with the faux gold buttons of a flashy coat she had seen a few times before. It belonged to Jules, he was just getting off his first job at the hotel. He was early as he usually didn't come to work before the sun had set. Penelope really thought she would be able to be completely avoid him their entire shift together, the first day they worked together since she had revealed her feelings for him last weekend. It wasn't as if there was much free time when you were working in a kitchen or on stage anyway. She planned to just keep her head down, do her job, and ignore the beautiful Ferrer Rocher eyes of Jules Archambault and his spicy cologne. Now she had no choice, but to greet him since he had already said 'Bonjour, Penelope' and turned his attention away from the bulletin board to face her.

“'Allo Jules.” She said inwardly, focusing more on doing up the front of her clean uniform.

“Do you have time to chat?” He asked sanguinely, eyes full of hope and his smile as inviting as a formal letter from a royal suggesting a tea date.

“No. Sorry.” It wasn't really a lie. She did have to join the line in under two minutes unless she wanted the head chef to take a Wusthof to her throat and serve her like croutons with the evening's salade special. “I'm late today.” She was not proud of that fact.

“It'll just take a second.” He knew it wasn't common for her work to come without scheduled breaks and once he was on stage, he couldn't just step down to talk to whoever he wanted. Even if they were as lovely as Penelope Hemmings was to him.

“Can you text it?” She didn't generally have the chance to look at her phone until after work, but that way he would have whatever he was holding onto off his chest and she could answer when she had actual time. “Or is it really bad?” Penelope didn't want him to consider her a bad friend even though she was feeling out of her element standing before him with her having been so honest last time they were together. Still, if Jules needed a shoulder, she wanted to be there for him.

“No, it's not bad. I just....No, it can wait.” He didn't wrestle with himself. He sighed inwardly and began to walk away. He wasn't very fond of his doormen uniform and was eager to strip it off him anyway. “Have a great shift.” He wished Penelope before disappearing from her line of sight, presumably headed to the back office to hang up his bright blue jacket where he usually hung up the hat he often was made to wear with it.

Penelope finally exhaled after holding her breath tightly through their exchange. She was scurrying over to her place in line across from Alexandra, but the very moody French woman, the Daria of the kitchen, waved at her with a cleaver to turn around. Penny stood still and squinted at her workmate. It was challenging to read the girl's lips as they were thin by design and she didn't speak English fluently. Eventually, after a couple tries, Penelope figured out that she was telling her to turn around, but she didn't know why.

“I've got this! Go talk to him!” Alexandra finally just shouted over the room of bodies, the simmering pans, and the curses of other line cooks. Since discovering that her beautiful blond friend was a virgin, Alexandra felt inspired to help her romantically somehow. She saw the way Penelope sunk into hypnosis when they watched Jules play drums. It was obvious the Australian-American was two steps away from being a full fledged fan girl which was Penelope's greatest fear since she grew up being scared of the girls who chased her in her dad's arms or screamed outside their car when she was a small baby.

Penelope rolled her eyes and then did as she was shouted to. She trusted that if anyone could help her weasel her way out of the wrath of the kitchen talking heads, it was Alexandra. Alexandra was a woman who had spent her life proving how good she was and now she didn't take shit from anyone. One day, if she was able to grow up, Penny wanted to be just like her.

Fidgeting with her hands together in front of her, as if she was playing cat's cradle with the air, she followed the way Jules had gone until she spotted him between the chef's office and the manager of the restaurant’s. He was wearing just his brown chinos, black socks, and nothing else. With her manners gone for a moment, Penelope just gawked. It was like the first time Simone saw Ashton backstage after going to a 5 Seconds of Summer concert for the first time. His hair was coated in sweat, his eyes were held captive by exhaustion, but his body was a maze of surprises and subtle brush strokes. Penny was in desperate need of a sit down talk with her Aunt Simone that would include a lot of wine. She wanted to know everything about dating a drummer as long as her aunt could leave out any stories of her Uncle Ashton naked.

“You change back here?” She pulled herself out of her stare to step forward and interrupt Jules. He squinted at her before pulling his head through an undershirt and then started to force his arms through the sleeves of a recently dry cleaned white shirt. “It's still technically a kitchen.” In her own apartment, sometimes Penelope would just wear an apron or a big shirt while cooking, but she felt like it was way more hygienic in a professional kitchen to have your body covered. “You should wear a hair net or something.” She half-joked.

“I thought you were a busy bee.” He shrunk the space between them, stepping into the open door frame between them and clutching both sides of it. His smirk was strong and Penelope just knew he was pleased she had returned.

“Alex has things under control at our station.” Penny shrugged quickly with one shoulder.

“Well, I was hoping you could send me your list of restaurants you want to go to here.” Jules informed her, holding her eye contact even when her eyes fell and just stared at his uniquely chiseled chin.

“Yeah, sure. I'll do it tonight when I'm home.” It was on her laptop on a spread sheet. She wrote down what she ordered, what she thought, and what she wanted to try to make herself after her experience there. It was very nerdy and she refused to show anyone, so she would have to just take the restaurant names and text them to him.

“Okay.” She was so obliging that Jules wasn't able to really get his point across. “I know you're not working next Saturday until late,” The after hours crowd that was usually when he was on stage. “I thought we could cross a few places off. Breakfast, coffee, lunch, snack, maybe dinner if there's time.” Jules knew Penny couldn’t drive in France and wasn’t really supposed to be, but he felt like biking together would be safe.

“Yeah, that would be so fun. I already know where we could go for lunch.” Penelope may have had a long wishlist of places to try, but she also had spots that she loved already. L'as du Falafel was one of those beloved places and not just because her and her ate there twice when he helped her move to France.

“No, Penny,” He rarely called her by her shortened name and it flicked in her eyes as strange when he said it that way. “I'm trying to plan something. I'm asking you out on a date.” He came right out and just said it.

Penelope didn't realize it, but her mouth was hanging open. Her eyes were hooked onto the one pocket on the chest of his shirt as she stood still and stunned. It wasn't until Jules rested his head on his shoulder and forced himself into her view that she shut her mouth and laughed.

“Okay, sure.” She shrugged again, playing it cool. Connor appeared in her mind though. She was ten seconds into a mental dance party when her lifelong friend came into her mind with his ukulele and perfect teeth. “Can I actually get back to you?” She asked as Jules pushed himself off the door frame and further into the room to finish buttoning up his shirt. “I just want to make sure I don't have any plans already first.” It wasn't a lie. She did have to check with her school schedule, but Penelope also wanted to talk to Connor beforehand. She hadn't answered any of his six apology texts and they hadn't said anything to each other since she walked away from him and out of the club parking lot a few nights ago. It felt like a string pulling on her stomach, dragging her to unfinished business. She couldn't move forward until everything was settled.

“Sure, whatever you need.” Jules thought that she would agree instantly given that she had been the one to share her feelings with him, but his mother had warned him that American girls could be complicated even if she only gathered that from soap operas he downloaded for her.

-------

California didn't feel like home anymore. Even though she was American by birth, Cagney preferred their house in Australia. Now that she had three kids, she just felt as if she was waiting in someone else's life in their house in Burbank. They were only ever there because of Luke's work. It had been a week since their blow-up and while they were functioning fine, there was frost on the gears. She was more nervous in California since it seemed to her that there was more temptation and pressure for Luke there. She was trying not to lose her mind about it though. He was an adult and she couldn't control what he chose. She had two baby boys who needed her attention and body. She couldn't waste time trying to also raise Luke.

Accepting the night out as an opportunity to reconnect with her husband, Cagney took to the Capitol Records party with hopeful optimism. She invited Simone over so they could get dressed together, sharing a nanny for their five children for the evening. Cagney agreed to a black satin Theory dress that Simone picked for her despite not feeling as confident as she might have before harboring two babies inside her at once. It wasn't as if Cagney was ever a pillar of self-confidence. Still, she knew that she had not been making the same effort she once had due to her new schedule. Cagney blew out her hair the way she always wore it when she and Luke began dating, remembering how untamed he was with his hands when they would be sitting in a booth, surrounded by people, his calloused fingers running through her blond locks like they were his source of comfort, his Linus blanket when everything felt like too much.

At first, Cagney pretended she wanted to be there. She pushed herself to not check her phone in her clutch for the first hour. She smiled with the tip of her tongue pressed to the back of her teeth and even acted thrilled to see people she didn't remember ever having met. Still, Cagney just wanted to run out of the room, hop in the first Uber, and go back to her children. It was nice, she had to admit, to have Luke's hand on her backside though, guiding them both through the room, whispering the occasional name into ear. He even checked twice if she was having a good time and he pretended to believe her when she said she was happy.

Luke excused himself once he had his second drink in hand, leaving Cagney with Calum who had come alone since Skye was on bed rest in British Columbia. They were so excited to finally have a child together. It seemed like it was going to work out for them this time, but everybody was holding their breath. The struggle Calum and Skye had gone through had not only been brutal, but it had not been in private. Even people who disliked the pair were wishing them well. They were due soon and Calum's knees were bouncing nonstop. He couldn't wait to fly back to Canada to be with Skye and her underwhelming bump.

“Hey gorgeous.” A distant, but familiar voice forced Cagney to look up from her phone. She was just about to check her texts after showing Calum a few pictures of Miles and March, but she threw her head upward quickly. It didn't sound like Luke, but she hoped that it was. She worried about where he went or who he went with. While it wasn't Luke, she jumped up gleefully and wrapped her arms around her old friend, holding her phone behind his neck.

“God, I haven't seen you in so long!” In Dacre's ear, Cagney happily cooed as he squeezed her back, one hand where Luke's had been all night. “When was the last time I saw you?” When Luke wasn't touring, Cagney had the chance to take other jobs and early on, she had met Dacre Montgomery while shooting a video for VMAN. They became fast friends since she was dating an Australian at the time and he was Australian. They bonded fast and Luke had come to like him just as swiftly.

“You were pregnant but not the last time,” Through tabloids and the grapevine, he had heard she and Luke welcomed twin boys. “It was with your daughter. Penelope?” He had to guess.

“Yes!” Her eyes blinked rapidly, her fake lashes causing a small breeze down her face. It felt like ages since she had dressed herself up and put lipstick on let alone false lashes and earrings. “I heard you were just cast in a huge action film. Like a franchise.” Not knowing it could have been a rumour, Cagney gushed.

“Keep it down. I'm not allowed to say anything.” Laughing, he pretended to shush her before guiding her back to the both she was sitting at. As Cagney collected the back of her dress under one hand, she realized only then that Calum wasn't there anymore. He had gone to find a quiet spot in the crowded room in order to answer a call from Skye. “You look beautiful by the way.” Dacre mentioned off hand. “Where's your husband before I get in trouble for staring?” He only half teased. He had been disappointed many years back when they first met and she mentioned casually that she was in a committed relationship. He felt like she was something like a 70s bombshell with her big blond hair and girl-next-door smile.

“He's around here somewhere.” Cagney looked around, twirling her finger like a slow cyclone through the air beside her. “You know Luke, he knows everyone a little bit.” She half-laughed. Without realizing, Cagney melted into the way Dacre's eyes were biting at her. The attention was nice since she hadn't been feeling very pretty lately (or even very human) and she had felt so distant from Luke, more so than any time there had been an ocean between them.

“He would agree anyway.” Dacre laughed with a shrug of his shoulder to his ear. “You're gorgeous.” While they didn't see one another often, he always made sure to tell her that. He never had his chance with her, but it didn't mean he didn't wish for it.

“I don't know about that.” Rolling her eyes, she said truthfully. “It's hard to be sexy when you have two new babies and a toddler running around. This is the only thing I have without drool on it and it's not mine!” She joked and leaned into the booth behind her, genuinely enjoying herself and feeling relaxed for the first time since she and Luke fought in their closet back in Sydney.

-------

Empty. She was a Tamagotchi blinking rapidly to be recharged. Penelope felt drained after work. Taking a day off from her usual routine of school then work had given her body the opportunity to forget the stamina it had built up. She told herself that she would work on her assignment during her lunch hour tomorrow like she often did as Penny slowly pulled her body up the steps to the floor her apartment was on. She was dreaming of passing out on top of the blankets on her futon naked. It wasn't until Penny heard her phone buzzing in her purse as she dropped it by the front door of her small place that she remembered she had texted Connor, asking if they could talk. Grumbling to herself, Penelope locked her door and then bent down onto both knees to retrieve her phone. It was Connor.

"Salut? I mean, hi." She corrected herself and inhaled, giving herself one last shot of energy.

"Hey." On the other side, Connor sounded unsure of himself. He was goofy and confident around her, but she could hear the insecurities that she always knew he had through the phone. "You wanted to talk? You good?" They might have had their first fight, but Connor still cared about his best friend.

"Yeah, I'm good. I just walked through the door. How was Marseilles and Lyon?" There was a part of her that was buying time, but Penny also was genuinely curious. As awful as some of the things he had said to her had been, Penny was in the habit of reading any and all reviews she could find about Connor's songs and live performances. They were currently very mixed in France. The sentence 'Talented and truly adorable aren't enough to make Connor Wylie more than just a warm up act' stood out for Penelope, but she recalled reading about how much they had loved him in Berlin. The reviewer called him 'a blinding star absolutely necessary to keep an eye on'.

"Okay. I can't shake the feeling of...Sunday." He didn't want to be dramatic, but it was the truth. He was trying to devour the energy the crowds were giving to him graciously, but his mind was reeling over how guilty he felt and his body ached with regret.

"Yeah." She understood that. "I hate that I upset you like that."

"No, it was me. I know what it's like to like two people at once," Connor had gone through high school dreaming of Penelope while buying other girls cocoa and bracelets. "I could have been nicer." He should have been. "I was just disappointed, not that it's an excuse." He just really thought they would spend all his free time together with their bodies as close as they could be without fornicating in public.

"I'm sorry." Penny didn't worry about letting others down. She just wanted to live her best life. However there was something about crushing Connor's dreams that picked at her. She wanted them to raise one another up, she wanted them to find happiness simultaneously somehow.

"You don't have to be sorry. You don't owe me anything." On the other end of the phone, Connor's voice was dry. He was in need of the break he had finally had today, but talking to Penelope hurt so badly that it was as if he hadn't self medicated with copious cups of lemon and hot water all day. "Have you told Jules about your...crush?" Connor decided to try his best friend hat on again, making sure it still fit. He knew for a fact that Penelope had done things she didn't like doing for him, so he could pretend that asking about Jules didn't make him want to vomit all over the fluffy white hotel robe he had on while laying in bed in the dark.

"Connor," Penny almost laughed, knocking her head of messy hair falling out of its ponytail against the closed door. "I know you don't want to talk about that."

"I'm trying, Pen." As a reaction, he chuckled back at himself. She had never agreed to being his dream girl, but he was committed to being her best friend.

"Connor," Her tone deepened and Penelope closed her tired eyes to prepare herself to be unabashedly honest. "I really like you and there's a part of me that wants for us to have a chance to be together."

"Really?"

"It pops into my mind out of nowhere way too often." It made her feel very uncool. "But our lives are so different right now. You got to know this isn't the right time..."

Connor was reluctant to agree. He had been fighting with himself since he saw Penelope in Paris looking like a lazy Sunday Disney Princess. He wanted to be her Prince Charming so bad, but there was no one in the world who was going to stand in the way of the music career he was currently building on the road, not even Penelope Hemmings.

"I know." Finally, through a congested throat, Connor cracked.

"Tonight Jules asked me out and I want to say 'yes', and while I don't need your permission, I don't want to lose you as a friend. I'm not going to say yes if it hurts you at all." She was firm and sincere. For Connor or anyone she loved, she would set aside her wants and needs. Being selfish gave her enough concussions that she couldn't partake in her favourite activities anymore. She wasn't even supposed to drive, so Penelope had learned to be more considerate. “You’re too important to me.”

Connor felt the power she was giving him. He wanted to abuse it and tell her how badly it would ache at him just to keep her single, keep her closer to him, but he knew how wrong that would be. It was just a date. It wasn't marriage. Connor leaned into his pillow and shut his eyes, Penelope's face hurt in the parking lot immediately coming into view.

"I want you to be happy." He meant it even if his voice sounded deeply pained. "And I really hope you have a good time." Connor felt confident that he could take Penny on a very memorable date when given the chance. In his head, he told himself he would fly her to a private island on a private plane and they could spend a night with their toes in the sand and their hair in the saltwater. Connor didn't know much about Jules beyond that he had one leg and played drums, but he doubted that he was any real competition. If Penelope saw something in him, it had to exist. She was no one's fool.

"Thank you." It was exactly what Penny needed to hear in order to tell Jules 'yes'. Connor's sentiment massaged at her conscience and she let a tiny sigh of relief as proof.

"And the stuff I said about your Dad - " Connor started and Penny began shaking her head rapidly.

"Let's not dive back into that, okay? I know you're sorry and that's what counts for me." Penelope really didn't want to drudge up all the horrible things they had said to each other. She had grown up accepting that people said things about her parents and other people in her life for the sake of selling news. Hearing rumors from her best friend's mouth was different than bright letters flashed on the internet. It brought up questions and questions she didn't want to consider.

"Okay." Connor confirmed to her plea. "I'm crashing. I have an early flight tomorrow." Really, today. "Skype soon?"

"You got it." Penny leaned into the phone, the heat it was radiating against her cheek only making her sleepier. "Love you, miss you." She mumbled before hanging up and dropping her phone between her knees. Penelope sat up against the door with shut eyes for a few minutes before picking herself up to strip out of her clothes. She thought, for a second, about texting Jules, but decided to go to bed and just talk to him in the morning on her way to school.

----

He had been walking a line and he knew it. Luke entered his house on pointed toes from the back door. The night hadn't slipped away from him even though he planned to tell Cagney that it had in order to avoid a fight. It wasn't as if they didn't usually drink when they were at the studio, but he hadn't planned to be recording the last song for their album deep into the night. He also didn't realize that their usual vodka drinks and cold beers would turn into shots. Luke did think he deserved a couple points for leaving his car behind and taking a cab home. He even made sure to drink a bottle of water before even calling for a ride. Luke dropped his keys causing a few jingles in the key of F as they hit the floor. He cursed himself out under his breath and bent down to get them. The light was new to them as he had shut his eyes upon reaching down to pick them up. Once standing upright, he looked around confused and then hung his head in defeat when he spotted Cagney, face red, in an old 5SOS shirt and a pair of black cotton shorts on the couch. She had a glass of wine sitting on the coffee table in front of her.

“I can explain -” He put both his hands up to stop her from speaking even though she wasn't about to.

“It's fine. You texted me. I really appreciate it.” Sniffling, she nodded over and over. It was the truth. When Cagney knew that he was okay or that things weren't going as planned, she felt better. It was when her mind was left to wander that she became nervous and upset.

Luke heard what she said, but he was concentrating more on her eyes. She had been crying. In fact, underneath her swollen red eyes, he could detect glistening which meant she had only just stopped.

“What happened?” Luke rushed over, feeling a burn in his throat from all the vodka he had consumed, but he pushed through and dropped to her side. His arm instinctively wrapped around her and pulled her close. Whether something awful had happened or it was just a hard day with the kids, he wanted to make things feel better. Luke had a hunch that would never change when it came to Cagney. He would always want to be the hero in her story. With the hand that had been on his leg, he reached up and wiped at her tear marks with his thumb. “Keg...” He kissed the side of her head, fly away hairs and all, and waited for her to explain. Since having children, she rarely had a hard time expressing herself. “Penny tough today?” She could be a stubborn when she wanted to be, Luke could admit it.

“No.” Cagney shook her head and frowned her forehead at the thought. This had nothing to do with Penelope. “She was great. Everybody was good.”

“Then what's going on?” Luke had never been very good when it came to guessing. He always felt out of the loop when it came to his own life.

“Dacre just left.” She swallowed and shared.

“Oh? I didn't know you guys had plans.” He knew Dacre and liked him. It was always nice to have a fellow Aussie in America. Luke personally felt like his people were better to party with not that he admitted it to any of his American friends who provided him with many good memories. It didn't strike Luke as odd that Cagney would catch up with old friends when they were spending time in the US. He imagined he would want adult company when cooped up all day with three children who could barely speak in audible English.

“I took Penny to the splash pad. He came with us.” Since coming to the US so Luke could finish the latest album, Cagney had decided to accept the help of babysitter and nannies, but just so she could have independent time with her eldest on occasion. It helped since Liz wasn't around to be an extra pair of hands when she needed them.

“Oh?” Luke nodded. He didn't really like the idea, but it wasn't worth mentioning, not when they were just getting close to reconnecting.

“Yeah, it was fun. I'm not feeling super swimsuit ready, so having him to - “

“You look great.” Luke shook his head at her words, turning them down with his scrunched up nose and kissed her lips. He was a little drunk and caught her completely off guard.

“Luke,” She slipped away from the touch of his arm and turned to him, one knee facing her wine glass and the other pointed at his groin. “Penny was in her room, she napped after, and...”

“What happened?” Luke expected the worst. He was waiting for Cagney to tell him their daughter fell and knocked her baby teeth out. “Is she okay?”

“She's fine. She’s fast asleep. Listen - “

“What's going on?”

“Dacre kissed me.” Cagney finally shut her husband up. Luke's back shot straight up and he stared off over his head, red glowing under his blue eyes from inside the pupils. “And I kissed him back.” Flames grew in rich hues, orange and yellow. Cagney glanced at Luke's hands, fingers gripping into the teal leather of their couch while his other nails dug into the skin exposed on his knees from the new frays in her black jeans. “We didn't have sex.” She thought, foolishly, that might make him exhale with relief, but he stayed still, burning a hole into the family photo of him, Cagney, and a newborn Penny behind him. “But we kissed for a long time....” She didn't know else to admit without saying they made out like horny teenagers in the pantry. “I know this is not okay,” Tears started to rush down Cagney's face. She felt shame and anger and she worried that Luke felt the same about her. “I hate myself.” She reached for him, looking to grab his hand on his knee with both her palms, but he pulled it away and let her fall onto the cushion between them. “I hate myself and you should hate me too, but I have felt so alone and you have been out all the time and - “

“Fuck you.” He muttered, a bonfire wild in his stare as he just barely glanced at her.

“I deserve that. You should yell at me.” She was shaking her head so viciously that she didn't notice that Luke was crying now. The fire raged on his glare, but tears were stinging at the dry skin that his face wore from being so dehydrated from the LA climate and his drinking habit. “But there's something else...” She had to purge. He needed to know everything if there was any chance that they would be okay.

“Fuck! What?” Luke threw his head back on the couch, his hands racing up and down his thighs as he tried not to overreact. What more could she possibly have to say? Was she leaving him? Was she pregnant? Was Dacre upstairs naked on his bed waiting for a threesome to commence? His own failure scratching inside the walls of his stomach. This was his fault, he knew it. He hasn't put her first, he hadn't turned himself around, he hadn't been enough...

“I think Penny saw us.”

Luke roared so loudly that his 'fuck' couldn't be made out properly. He stood up in a nanosecond and, with a force unknown to himself, he tossed their glass coffee table and the contents on it including stone coasters, her wine glass, and her cell phone across the room. Before he could scream at her or she could stifle her out of control crying, the sound of wailing cries from down the hall were unleashed. It was one of the babies and Luke instantly resented her for knowing which one since he couldn't tell their noises apart yet.

“When you're here, you're hung over and Dacre made me feel - “

Stopping her as she cried to him, gripping the stomach of his white shirt, Luke put his hand up in front of his face and pulled away. He needed to be comforted. He needed the same thing one of his sons did and he started to shake off his leather jacket as he headed to their nursery, readying to comfort his son and try to calm down himself. Cagney followed close behind him, trying to explain how Penny came into the pantry, but Luke closed the door on her and gathered March in his hands in the dark, singing through his painful tears 'Ten Years Gone' by Led Zeppelin. He could hear Cagney crying in the hallway, but she might as well have been on the other side of the world. They were going to need a lot of saving and Luke worried what they would become once he walked out of the nursery.

***********************

In the kitchen, Cagney wiggled her nose at the screen of her laptop that she had set up on the kitchen island. Most of her life since she turned eighteen had been travelling especially being married to Luke and making their relationship work, but she still always felt anxious when it came to travelling. So she always had to look over her airline itinerary a hundred times before she set off.

“Hello.” She took her eyes away from the screen and smiled at Luke as he strolled into the kitchen, yawning with his arms over his head. “Good morning.” She grinned as he came around and kissed her. With the conversation they had had the night before, she wasn't sure how romantic he would be feeling. It had been a long time since they almost stumbled even into a conversation about the roughest patch they encountered. Cagney was thrilled when she felt her husband pull her closer and suck on her bottom lip. It wasn't a usual morning kiss. “You're in a good mood? Excited to have the house to just you and the boys?” She teased, staring up at her tall man as he held her to his chest.

“I'm proud of us.” Very sincerely, he told her in a serious tone. “We are really good.” It didn't always feel like they would make it and yet he felt closer to Cagney than he had when they were young, child free, and travelling the world together.

“We are. We've built a good life.” Cagney agreed with a smile that made her entire face beam. She had been so grateful for the mountains they climbed. They had carried each other sometimes, but together they made it to the top and she knew now they could do it again with their boys going through high school and their daughter studying in Paris. They could do anything as long as they were together.

“Let's go for breakfast. When was the last time we just went out the two of us?” Luke had tried to remember when Miles and March were whipping by him, racing one another to see who could get to the end of the driveway to their bikes the fastest. He had an idea, but he wasn’t sure if it had actually happened or not.

“Not to an industry thing? I don't know.” They always had another couple with them or one of their kids.

“I got to take you for a date before someone else does.” Luke joked, not even realizing what an accomplishment that was for him. Cagney just melted closer, hugging his chest to her as she kissed him again. She had made her mistakes and Luke had made his, but she wasn’t going to risk even the hardest parts of their lives together for a fleeting moment of joy. As painful as some of their memories were, Luke and Cagney had both learned the hard way how to appreciate one another.

#5sos au #5sos imagine #luke hemmings au #luke hemmings imahine #lukehemmings imagine #luke hemmings imagine

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