#giggling kicking my feet twirling the phone cord round my fingers

[sempersirens]

Me @ you whenever I see you on the dash 🧡

ME????

blushing so hard rn i adore u sm 🥺🫶🫶🫶

[harrysmeadow]

HELD - Chapter 7

HELD - CHAPTER 7

PREVIOUS CHAPTERS // PLAYLIST // HARRYS INSTA // ERINS INSTA // IZZYS INSTA // STORY PAGE

Authors note at the end of this chapter, does a bit of explaining if people were wondering where this story has been!

It didn’t feel like two minutes ago since I was unpacking my suitcase into my room at the farmhouse for the Christmas holidays. The weeks had flown by in a blur since then, and as I hunched over the case on the floor, stuffing in my belongings to take back to uni, I could feel my back beginning to ache.

Izzy was sat, perched on the edge of my bed offering absolutely no help at all, apart from providing a running commentary of her opinions on my clothes that I was pulling out of my wardrobe. After the third round of ‘Do you actually wear that?” I decided to block her out, instead trying to think of ways I could make the car journey with Harry less awkward than I knew it would inevitably be.

Since his hungover appearance on New Year’s day at Izzy and Sam’s house, I hadn’t seen Harry, and he’d only text me once to let me know when he wanted to set off to go back to York and that he’d pick me up from my grandparents.

During the days of our silence I’d had some time to think. I’d gotten over my initial anger towards Harry pretty quickly, after I realised it wasn’t anger at all. I was jealous. I knew I’d only known Harry for a matter of weeks, but during that time we’d grown so much closer. When I was clumsy, he was there to catch me. When I was scared, I trusted him to protect me. When I was angry and upset, he listened and comforted me. When Izzy had left me alone at that party, he had stayed with me, for the most part anyway.

We’d laughed and joked together, and I was sure he’d been flirting with me. I really liked Harry as a friend, and I think I was finally ready to admit to myself that it might have been more, because I thought I’d been getting signals that he had felt the same.

“I can’t believe you’re going back already, and you’re going back with Harry!” Izzy whined, the pitch of her voice pulling me from my thoughts.

“I know, me either.” I replied, pushing the last of my things in the suitcase down, and pulling the top over, hoping it would close.

“What? That it’s time to leave, or that you’re leaving with Harry?” Izzy questioned, still not bothering to help me, even though she could see I was struggling with the zip on the case.

“Both.” I mused, although I was definitely more shocked at the idea I was leaving with Harry. The Erin who had caused a scene in the pub nearly a month ago hadn’t seen this coming at all.

Finally realising I wasn’t going to get this case closed on my own, Izzy hopped off the bed and pushed all her weight down on the top as I used all my strength to pull the zips around. Once it was secure I let out a huff of air and plonked myself down on the floor, an involuntary groan left my lips as my back stretched out and the tension released.

Izzy came to sit beside me, her long legs stretched out in front and over mine, and her head rested on my shoulder, the loose strands of hair around her ears that had fallen from her messy bun tickled the skin of my neck. “He likes you alot, you know. I can tell.” She said, almost in a whisper, and I could hear the apprehensiveness in her voice.

Whenever Harry and I had been together, Izzy had been around too. It was stupid to think that she hadn’t picked up on the lingering gazes and cheeky comments that had been so carelessly thrown around. Which also meant she was more than likely to have picked up on my sudden moodiness which had occurred after New Years. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together, but I think she needed the confirmation for herself before I left, that what she assumed about us was correct.

“Why would he kiss her?” I asked, my voice trembling as I back-handedly admitted my feelings. Taking my hand in hers, she began softly running her fingertips over the silver charms that hung from my wrist. It was soothing and comforting, a silent message to remind me that she was there to support me without saying a word. But true to form, Izzy never let me stay sad for long.

“I don’t know, he’s a boy. He has to fill his idiot quota, maybe he hadn’t done anything stupid in a while.” She shrugged, and I immediately began to laugh. That was why Izzy wasn’t just my cousin, but my best friend. She didn’t need to tell me she’d be there to console me when I was upset, or had boy trouble, she’d just do her best to make me feel better and forget about it.

****

I was never really one for emotional goodbyes, but when Harry pulled up to the farmhouse later that afternoon ready to make the nearly 2 and a half hour drive back to York, I definitely felt a few tears ready to spill. The thought of being trapped in a car with Harry for that long was making me slightly overwhelmed. It hadn’t even been 8 hours since I inadvertently admitted my feelings for Harry to Izzy, and there was no chance in hell I was anywhere near being ready to admit them to him. Especially when I still saw the image of him and Aimee behind my eyes everytime I blinked.

But I knew I was ready to go back to uni. I’d spent enough time with my parents and Evie to want my own space again, so I was just going to have to act normal. I couldn’t let Harry see I was upset, he’d only ask questions that I had the answers to, but was not ready to share.

It was easy to forget that I was still upset though, when Harry, who was completely oblivious to my inner turmoil was still being his charming self that I was always utterly captivated by. His suggestion of us playing the classic car game ‘Eye Spy’, brought out my competitive side, but it wasn’t much of a game as Harry failed to guess even one of my Spy’s. Apparently suggesting objects inside the car was unfair, because he’s a safe driver and couldn’t take his eyes of the road to have a proper look.

In the moments that passed as he was thinking and scanning the area for what I could have chosen to spy, I found it hard to look at anything but him. The way his eyes squinted slightly when his eyebrows came down a bit, just showed how hard he was looking and it made my heart flutter in my chest. I could feel it growing in size, when his nose scrunched, and the look of concentration was replaced with confusion when he couldn’t figure out what it was I had seen. But it almost certainly dropped to my stomach when he turned his head to catch my gaze on him.

“Is it me?” He asked, eyes bright and wide with hope.

I giggled; it seemed as though my unrelenting stare had thrown him off the scent.

“Does ‘Harry’ begin with a C?” I asked playfully.

“No.” He huffed, turning his head back to the road in front. “Can we play a different game?”

We passed another hour playing the celebrity name game, and arguing over whether fictional characters counted as celebrities or not when Harry said Bruce Wayne, after I’d said Orlando Bloom.

Time was ticking by nicely, and I’d not once felt uncomfortable or awkward; but then it seemed to be in Harry’s nature to make people feel at ease. Over the weeks in Holmes Chapel, even though I was the newbie he never made me feel unwanted or like I wasn’t included.

As I sat, my feet up resting against the dashboard and various famous names rolling off my tongue because we were still playing the game, I once again found myself looking over my shoulder at him. It had been raining when we packed the car back in Holmes Chapel, but the heating in the car was almost stuffy, and the warm air circulating had made Harry’s curls go mad. I’d offered him my bobble to tie the strands away from his face, but the little curlies around his ears and hairline that didn’t quite reach were pointing in all directions, and I was trying really hard not to reach out and twirl them around my finger.

All of a sudden a chiming sound pulled me from my daydreaming, and I sat myself upright to search for the source of the noise. Rummaging through my bag I thought it was my phone, but I had no notifications on my screen. The sound pinged again and I was more alert this time to realise it was coming from my right. I looked down to where Harry’s phone was linked to the aux cord in between us, and the screen was lit with a name I’d been hoping to avoid.

I snapped my head up quickly, looking away from where her name illuminated the screen. The happy little bubble I’d created for myself in the car with Harry had been unceremoniously burst. It was if the moment I allowed myself to be happy with him, and not be upset and jealous at the thought of her, she’d snuck up behind me silently and then barged her way in, kicking me out the back door in the process, alone and forgotten.

The phone chimed again, reminding me of her presence. “Your phone keeps buzzing.” I said, picking it out of the centre console between us, and flipping it over so I wouldn’t have to see her name lighting up the car.

“I know. It’s probably Aimee, she won’t leave me alone after New Year’s. I’m just ignoring her.” Harry replied with a huff, dropping his hand to the phone and flicking it to silent.

Although his admittance to ignoring her gave me some sense of relief, the feeling of her having invaded our space was nagging at me. For nearly the last two hours, it had just been me and Harry. I’d become completely immersed in him. Asking questions about him, and just listening and smiling when talked about something he was so passionate about. Playing games with him, and having a laugh like there was nothing wrong in the world. We’d been laughing and joking as normal, and not once had the stomach churning thoughts of him and Aimee crossed my mind. But she’d still managed to worm her way in, and in a moment, like a parasite suck all the happiness out of the place we’d created in which we were just being ourselves.

“Anyway, who did you say last? David Bowie?” Harry asked, once again helping to pull my thoughts away from Aimee and make me feel better without even trying. “I’m saying Bill Nighy. Your turn!”

****

We pulled up to a services about half an hour before we got into York to fill up with petrol,  plus, the both of us had been gagging for a cup of tea since we left pretty much, and we couldn’t hold out any longer.

Strolling back out into the car park with two teas to go from the small Costa inside, my face fell to a frown when I spotted him through the windshield scrolling through his phone, his face void of emotion. If my arrival back at the car startled him he didn’t show it, only locked his phone and dropped in into the console so he could take the tea from my hand, and a small smile was offered to me in thanks.

Closing the door behind me I slunk down in the front seat, toeing off my shoes (travelling with them on was uncomfy) and brought the steaming hot drink close to my face. I sighed as I let the rolls of steam float across my face, and I breathed in the refreshing scent in hopes it would help to clear my mind. 

“I’m really sorry about New Year, Erin.” Harry spoke quietly, but I had no doubt what I had heard.

“Why are you apologising to me?” I asked, dropping my feet down and placing my drink between my things so I could concentrate on him fully, without me possible spilling my drink. I knew he was only apologising to me because of how I’d reacted the morning after, but maybe he thought I was angry about him leaving me. I wasn’t angry anymore though.

“Because….I, um, because..” he stuttered.

“If anyone needs an apology from you Harry, it’s Aimee.” I interrupted, as he couldn’t seem to say what he wanted.

“I’m sorry?” He asked, a puzzled look taking over his features.

Over the past few days I’d been angry, upset, jealous and sad, and all those emotions had been directed at Aimee at some point, but hearing Harry say that he was consciously ignoring her had rubbed me the wrong way.

I’d realised I had no right to be mad. At either of them. Harry didn’t know how I felt about him, and neither did Aimee for that matter, so how were they to know that them kissing would stir such emotions in me? But it still takes two to tango, and as much as I wanted to, and found it easier to blame Aimee in all this, I couldn’t help but think how she must be feeling.

I took a deep breath before attempting to explain. “If you kissed her with no intentions of taking it any further, she’s gonna be upset Harry. You should apologise, or at least talk to her.” I spoke as calmly as I could.

“Are you joking?” He challenged.

I didn’t understand why he seemed so defensive all of a sudden. I was just trying to make him understand what she might be feeling. I knew Harry was a good person, and maybe he thought ignoring her was the best way to go about the situation. I knew he wasn’t being malicious.

“Why would I be joking? If it was me you kissed and then ignored, I’d be devastated.” I crooned.

What seemed to me a look of sadness flashed across his face, his features contorting in a way that made me want to reach out and make sure he never looked or felt sad again. But before I had a chance to react they quickly turned to confusion.

He was still looking at me, searching my eyes, trying to find something in them that suggested I was being insincere.

I would never grow used to the intensity of the green that were his eyes, but they provided me with a sense of comfort now, rather than intimidation that the bright colour used to shock me with. So I stayed put, looking back at him, not moving until he either found was he was looking for, or admitted defeat.

He took in a jagged breath, his eyes fluttering closed and he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. I felt my own breathing become slightly laboured as I stared at his lips. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help it.

A gasp of shock left my own lips when his eyes opened again, the green in front of me as bright as a light telling me to go, even though I knew I couldn’t take my foot off the brake.

“Ok. I understand.” he settled, turning away and switching on the engine. 

I shuffled back in my seat, getting comfy for the last part of the journey, picking up my tea I took a sip. It was cold.

****

The darkness of evening came down on us like a heavy blanket, the English winter was bleak and cold. Even though it wasn’t late, the orange glow of the street lamps lit the back streets as we drove through the city. We turned down another street pretty much identical to the last two, terraced houses lining the road on either side, and I saw the familiar blue door getting closer.

“Right. This is me.” I said, directing Harry to pull over outside the house that had been my home for the past few months. 

“Do you want some help with your bags?” he asked, already unclicking his seatbelt and turning the engine off fully.

“Oh yes please!” I exclaimed, opening the car door and swinging my legs out to land on the pavement. “No one else is back yet, so the door will probably swing back in my face if there isn’t anyone there to hold it.” I laughed, meeting Harry at the boot and tugging my belongings out and onto the path.

“Your flatmates aren’t back?” He queried, clicking the button to lock the car before following me through the garden gate and up the front path.

“No. They won’t be here for a few days yet.”

“I’m staying with you.” He stated, coming to a stop beside me as I dug out the keys from my bag.

“Harry.” I whined, pushing them in the lock and pushing open the door with all my might. I felt Harry come up behind me, his arm reaching out and above me to hold the door in place as I kicked and shuffled my bags through the entrance.

“I’m serious, this is a dodgy area. I won’t be able to sleep knowing you’re on your own.” He lectured, leaning against the door to the kitchen watching me pile my luggage against the hallway wall. As the old front door behind us finally slammed shut, I stood up straight to look at him.

It wasn’t that I was against him staying. Not at all. In fact I’d imagined Harry staying over in the house a few times. And the way he looked now was making it impossibly hard to stand my ground. I grumbled under my breath to myself as he pulled the bobble out of his hair, and shook his head to release the impossibly fluffy curls. He looked so soft in his big winter coat, and I just wanted to know how warm it would feel wrapped around me, and how comforting it would be to have the smell of Harry surrounding me as I got cosy in his jacket.

“I don’t know…” I mumbled, shrugging my shoulders unable to provide a legitimate argument. My eyes didn’t leave his as he took two steps towards me, and I shoved my hands in my pockets, not trusting my body to keep them to myself. He needed to sort things out with Aimee before I could even think about showing any signs of interest in him.

“Please, Erin.” He fretted. It seemed as though only I had developed reasoning for a no touch rule, as I felt him place a gentle hand on the top of my arm, and when I felt his thumb gently move backwards and forwards over the fabric of my coat, that was all it took for my resolve to crumble.

“Fine, whatever, but you’re on the sofa.” Pulling away from him and walking into the kitchen. I needed to regain some sort of control, and there was no way that was happening when he had his hands on me.

The kitchen was a decent size, for a student house anyway. A wall of units and cupboards lined the back wall, and the dining table across from it split the room in two. Three sofas made a horseshoe shape, which conveniently surrounded the small TV which was on a stand that was placed against the last remaining wall.

I pulled out a chocolate biscuit from my cupboard, and threw another across the room at Harry who very dramatically dived onto one of the sofas as he caught it.

“Fine by me.” he grinned.

****

After we lugged Harry’s bags into the house, we both just moped around for a while. Harry set up camp in the lounge while I moved my stuff into my room, not bothering to unpack fully I just picked out the necessities. I changed into an old pair of flannel pajama bottoms and soft hoodie, groaning a sigh of relief when I peeled my skinny jeans off my legs.

Tired from the journey, the dark nights always made me feel extra sleepy, and I’d flicked the heating on to warm the house through, not in the least bit bothered about how much it would cost. Plus, I didn’t want Harry to freeze to death over night. I’d gathered all the blankets and throws from around the house. I didn’t have a spare duvet to give to him so he was just gonna have to do, but now the living room was a cocoon of warmth. Both of us had been drifting in and out of sleep for a few hours, making the most of not having to do anything before term started again.

I woke up to a rumbling stomach just after 8, and looked across to where Harry was sitting himself up too, rubbing the corner of his eye with the back of his hand. The room was dark, the only light was coming from the flickering telly which was now playing A Question of Sport. I stood up, my ever fashionable blanket cape trailing behind me as I walked over to the light switch on the wall. 

“Mind your eyes.” I warned, before pressing down on the button.

When I opened my eyes again I almost cooed at the sight before me. With his head on the arm of the sofa, Harry was curled up, covered in a fluffy blanket. His fingertips only just poked out from the end of his jumper, as if he was trying to encase himself in as much warmth as possible. The curls that had been freed from the bobble earlier were splayed out messily around his face, and one perfect little ringlet sat resting against his forehead.

He blinked one eye open, as he adjusted to the brightness and then the other opened too, shortly followed by that dimpled grin which I’d been deprived of for a while. I smiled back, plonking myself down on the sofa again, and opening up Just Eat on my phone to order some food, as I had nothing in the house at all.

“You hungry?” I asked, scrolling through the menus to find my favourite pizza place.

“Sure am, Sweets.” he replied, and I felt my heart jump at the nickname, the one he had given me on New Year’s that I hadn’t heard since. I bit my lip in an attempt to control the smile that was threatening to break across my face, and I could feel my cheeks warming, but at least I could blame that on the heating.

“What d’ya want?” I quizzed, adding a my favourite chicken tikka pizza to my basket, and looking up at him opposite me. The fluffy blanket was still draped across his shoulders, and he looked as if he was thinking, his head flopping to the side slightly and blinking slowly, he shuffled around before speaking.

“Come here.” he drawled. I got up and walked over to him, sitting down beside him being careful not to pull the blanket away from him. I held my phone out in front of us, navigating to the homepage of the app so he could see his options. “I’ve gone for pizza because I can save-” I began, before he cut me off and pulled my phone out of my hand, placing it on my lap.

“-I spoke to her.” He said, and I immediately knew what he meant. I fidgeted in my seat slightly, hoping my unease at the topic wasn’t too obvious. “I told her I was sorry, that it was wrong for me to give her an impression with no explanation. But it’s sorted. She understands.” He digressed.

“When did you..?” I puzzled, not fully being able to voice my question. But he understood, like always.

“I gave her a call when you were asleep. But it’s done now, I promise.” He declared. And this time it was I who was searching his eyes for any sign of discomfort or mistruth. I found none.

“I’m proud of you” I smiled.

****

When our food arrived a little while later, we filled our rumbling tummies whilst watching the first series of Bad Education. I hadn’t returned to my sofa, and was still sat next to Harry who was nudging me with his foot every time something funny happened, which was pretty much every two minutes. I was gonna have a toe shaped bruise on my hip in the morning, I was sure of it.

It was getting late and even though I’d napped a little earlier I couldn’t stop yawning. I got up, cleared away the pizza boxes and loaded the dishwasher, remembering to switch off the heating as the house was more than toasty now.

Filling a glass with water to take to my room, I looked over my shoulder at Harry who I could tell was getting sleepy too. The blanket was pulled right up under his chin, and his eyes were a bit puffy, he wasn’t laughing his usual bark when someone made a joke on the TV, only his little schoolgirl giggle escaped him instead.

I shut off the tap and went to grab my phone from where I’d been sat.

“I’m off to bed. If you need anything I’m just down the hall.” I said, turning away. 

“Do you not want to finish this episode?” He asked. “It’s the one when they go to the petting zoo and lose the pig.” He sing songed.

I took in a deep breath, and let it out in a huff. “I’m really tired, Harry.”

He looked so soft and cosy snuggled up with the blanket, his little socked feet poking out from the end. The temptation to cuddle up with him and fall asleep with my head against his broad chest, the light beating of his heart beneath me creating the perfect steady rhythm to get lost in was too much.

With the elimination of Aimee from the degree level algebra equation that was Harry and I’s relationship, in theory if I wanted to make a move, it should have been successful. With her gone, and the fact that Izzy told me she thought Harry liked me, there shouldn’t have been any reason to stop me from going for what I wanted.

Except for my crippling fear of rejection that was deep set and rooted into the foundations of my personality.

He was gorgeous, and talented, gentle and kind. I’d seen who he’d been with before; Aimee was beautiful, and I was sure he must have had girls (and boys) lining up to offer themselves to him, in any way he would have them.

Why he would see me, in the same way I saw him, was a question I didn’t have the answer to.

“Pleeaseeee?” He begged, sporting a little puppy dog pout. “I’ll let you braid my hair.” he bargained.

Why did he have to make things so difficult?

 I knew I couldn’t give in to him though. Any sign of weakness he would pounce like a tiger, waiting for it’s prey to let it’s guard down and become vulnerable. But we weren’t at his usual hunting ground anymore, we were back on my turf. And I knew how to evade capture.

“How about tomorrow?” I smiled, turning away quickly before he could take another shot. I stood against the hallway wall for another moment after walking out of the room, just waiting to see if he’d call out to me again. When a few more seconds of silence passed, I smiled to myself.

“Good night, Harry.” I called.

I slept soundly that night, tucked underneath the covers in my warm room, even though I was missing a blanket.

A/N - I am so sorry it’s been so long since I last updated this story! If you didn’t see my little explanation basically I had final exams and assessments at uni so I was concentrating on those! But I’m back, and hopefully you’ve enjoyed this chapter!

I really do love Harry and Erin, and I hope you do to! As always I’d really love to hear what you think and your predictions! And if you have any questions my ask box is always open, I’d love to chat to you all!

Anyway, just want to say a massive thank you (as always) to my Mums @islareeveswriting and @cuddlemusclestyles. This past month or so I’ve been an absolute pain, constantly complaining and crying about uni and stuff, and they have been the most supportive friends I could ask for.  I know it sounds sappy, but I would class these girls as two of my closest friends. I love them a whole lot, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them.  Also, they’re both very talented and have TONNES of amazing writing on their blogs, so you should all go and read it!