#ghowxst rambles

[ghowxst]

i knew those memes that were like 'give a late Victorian boy a dotito chip and he'd die' had like a little bit of truth to them but I only realised How Much Truth They Had today/tonight/this morning bc I never have energy drinks and I thought they just didn't do anything for me bc I've had redbull once or twice and nothing's ever happened but I had almost 1 (one) whole White Monster Energy Drink at 12.30ish and it is now 2 ay em and I am crocheting at a violent speed to try and calm down and go to sleep

[ghowxst]

feelings happen in the body!

if you think to yourself 'I feel like I can't do this' or 'I feel like they don't like me', that's a thought! take a moment to really sit with your body and look at what's happening that isn't normally there.

'I feel like there's hot air in my chest and my throat is tight and almost itchy' is a feeling! and sometimes paying attention to that can lead you to 'I feel frustrated/angry/lonely/worried/sad'

you'd be surprised how nice it can be to identify the feeling. it's like finally putting a name to someone's face when you've seen them a heap of times before- it's definitely not 'fixed', but it's a great step towards understanding.

and sometimes being able to say 'oh yeah I physically feel xyz I know that means I'm frustrated or worried or whatever' is just,, nicer than feeling shit and not knowing any more than that.

has anybody else been struggling with thoughts

[ghowxst]

texting three different people bout three different things and not getting a response from any of them is actually really cool because they're living their three different lives and I've planted three different seeds of communication that in their own three separate times will bloom into three different responses from three different people I love!!

[ghowxst]

chat you ever get a little too excited talking about smth to a new person that when they suddenly gotta go youre like damn I got a little too autistic for a second

[ghowxst]

I just listened to the entire Over The Garden Wall soundtrack and it isn't even 10am

[ghowxst]

one of my closest friends is coming back to Australia after studying abroad for half the year and my ex is also friends with our group. I just feel like this is gonna be uncomfortable for the next month or so.

I know it will calm down and settle after its uncomfortable. I'm excited to see my friend.

[ghowxst]

how long ago did

you actually stop loving

me? be honest now

~~~~~~~~~~~~

beepboop! the haiku bot if it wasnt doin too well

[ghowxst]

seasonal depression? all im saying is Demeter had a point

[ghowxst]

funniest thing happened. I saw a cute cafe on instagram and got sad bc I wanted to send it to my now ex, and I miss sending her post about places we could go on dates.

then realised in the two years we were together, she never took me out somewhere I suggested we go. I can think of maybe three resteraunts we went to, one of which was literally just our first date.

I always took the liberty of trying to plan nights out, nights in. I suggested we try new recipes or go see a show. I sent instagram posts of cute cafes and date ideas and conversation starters.

I dont miss going places with her because at most she would agree to a plan I made entirely, and usually we wouldn't go out at all.

I miss the illusion/hope that she would want to spend time with me. I miss the hope of her one day taking initiative.

the generalisations here are unfair, surely. but I was never given the benefit of the doubt either.