#ghosts been here before. he knows how impossible it is to help someone that doesnt want to be helped but he cant let soap go

[s0fter-sin]

punk!soap metalhead!ghost brain blast!!!

ghost trying so hard to get soap out of the bad parts of the scene bc he's starting to get pulled in by the shadows, a group of wannabe anarchists that stand for nothing except themselves, but soap loses his shit; laying into ghost for daring to try and "save" him

no one's ever been there for him when he needed them; no one ever offered him support or a soft place to land, why the hell would he want ghost's help when he's perfectly fine on his own? (when he’s always had to be?)

"you think i can't make my own decisions? well fuck you, ghost, who needs a washed up piece o’ shite like you!"

he doesn’t talk to ghost for days, doesn’t let himself acknowledge the hole he’s left behind until he's getting pissed with the shadows one night in an abandoned house and graves starts waving around the gun he snuck through customs and it accidentally goes off, grazing soap's temple

he's never heard anything so loud, even at all the shows he’s attended and there’s so much blood; it's getting in his eyes, running down his neck and soaking into his clothes and he’s frozen. graves and all his shadows bolt after hearing the gunshot, worried about cops finding them and they leave him there; staring at the growing puddle at his feet

soap's panicking; half-blind, blistering pain lighting up his head and he can't think about anything beyond how much he wants ghost

ghost's been sulking at his flat since soap blew him off; pissed at soap for going off on him when he just wants to help but still worried about the punk. he doesn’t want him going down the same road as him; doesn’t want him to repeat his mistakes when he could save himself so much suffering and he almost doesn't answer his phone when it buzzes on the couch

he lets out a ragged sigh as he picks it up; raking a hand over his shaved head when he sees the bubble emoji and contemplates letting it ring out. contemplates answering with a growl; something a younger, crueler version of him would spit. in the end, he decides on silence and puts the phone to his ear just before it can stop ringing

he almost breaks it when he hears soap choke out, "i've been shot."

he's out the door in a heartbeat, running down the stairs because the lift is too slow; trying to get more information out of him but he can't get anything out beyond a repeated, "i've been shot."

he breaks every law there is as he speeds to soap's location; visions of his cold, bloodless corpse staining his mind's eye. the only thing keeping him calm are the strangled breaths from the other end of the line; he's not dead, he can work with not dead, this isn't tommy, soap won't end up like tommy-

ghost screeches to a halt outside a random alley and throws himself from the car when he sees soap collapsed against a garbage bin. he's covered in blood, soaked, just like that night, it's everywhere and he's not moving, he's not moving-

“johnny!”

he skids to his knees and fits his hand under his chin to check his pulse… but his heart beats strong under his fingertips and soap's eyes flutter open; flooded with blood but conscious and alive

the second he registers ghost in front of him, he’s reaching out for him; babbling apologies over and over, "you were right, i'm sorry ghost, i should've listened; i'm sorry, i'm so sorry."

ghost just gently hushes him, cupping his face heedless of the blood. "that doesn't matter now, johnny. we're gonna get you all fixed up, yeah?"

soap’s hands fist in his shirt, clinging to him. "i got shot, ghost," he says again; lost and smaller than he's ever heard from his punk and it's been years since he's felt this kind of rage but he doesn't let a drop of it touch his voice

“i know, lad. i know. gonna let me take a look at it? make it right?"

soap finally nods, his stuttering apologies coming to a halt and ghost runs back to his car to get a towel. he presses it to soap's skin, trying to soak up as much as he can so he can get a proper look; cooing assurances as soap absently hisses in pain the closer he gets to it

it's only a graze and something in his chest unravels; old fears and grief settling as the shallow wound continues to gush into the towel

ghost slumps, pressing his forehead into the top of soap's head and takes a second to just breathe. “‘s’alright, johnny; it’s not even that bad, not even that bad,” he promises, low; spoken more to himself than soap

his hand starts to grow damp and he forces himself to his feet, gathering up soap and getting him into his car. he puts the towel in his hand and presses it against the wound, trying to coax him through his shock to put pressure on it so he can drive

soap curls up in the passenger seat; eyes distant, seeing nothing and ghost has to tighten his grip on the steering wheel so he doesn't turn around

soap is the priority

he has to get him home; has to get him cleaned up and safe

then he can go hunting for the gutless shadow that hurt his punk

[plan-d-to-i]

(google translate again, yeah)

(I forgot to thank you for the last answer, I really didn't know that the drama used the music of my compatriot, it was a pleasant surprise for me)

I don't know if anyone has asked you this before, but do you think JC was good with WWX as a kid?

I mean not just their childhood, but the time of their training in Gusu.

I really love JC, and I understand perfectly well that he is the most dick in character, but I love him precisely during my studies at Gusu, I can not give any arguments that then JC was directly GOOD to WWX, but he is clearly cared a little about him and even ... worried? at least that moment after the punishment where JC helped WWX get to the room...

Yay - I'm so happy to hear about Stravinsky :)

Hahah loving jc as the dick that he is is the way to do it! go for it. :) also, sorry this was so delayed I wanted to reread the Cloud Recesses arc so it would be fresh in my mind before answering.

In terms of jc the Cloud Recesses arc is perhaps the most 'mellow' we see him aside from the Lotus Pod Extra but for me it's still impossible to find him a worthwhile person. I can already see the faults in his character that I know will only get worse as he grows older. Canonically I don't see how he would have any friends studying in the Cloud Recesses if he didn't come as a package deal w Wei Wuxian. I mean I doubt jiang cheng would have any friends without WWX period. In fact jiang cheng doesn't make any friends over the course of 13 years. He's also unable to find a wife bc of his temperament and behavior...

What we can glean about their relationship in the Cloud Recesses arc (and even the Lotus Pod Extra) is that any time WWX gets a kind word or understanding from someone, jiang cheng scoffs at it. Any time someone shits on WWX, jc is there to agree, to relish the idea of WWX being punished, and shit on him some more. He would be an immensely exhausting person to be around. He doesnt believe in WWX's ideas and ingenuity, (as NHS does for example), he doesn't believe WWX is hurt, he always assumes the worst of him, he doesn't believe LWJ might like WWX. The only thing he ever seems to believe is that WWX will dishonor YunmengJiang and that WWX should be punished. So for a kid who supposedly wants his father's approval so badly he instead constantly acts like his mother's mouthpiece/minion. He reprimands WWX like he's trying to become Madam Yu 2.0. I see jc stans all the time being like oh he had to keep WWX in check bc WWX was such a lOOooose canon, for the good of the Clan!! lol listen JFM didn't give a f...about WWX's behavior (in his letter to LQR) why are you so concerned? JFM would have preferred for jc to try & save his peers in the Xuanwu cave or at least to understand why that was the correct course of action rather than for him to just sit in front of the class in the Cloud Recesses and tell WWX off for giving LQR as good as he got, while actually still breaking the rules himself but eschewing punishment.

salt up here, quotes below :

Even when Nie Huaisang picks up on the fact that WWX is being treated unfairly by LQR, jc dismisses it and piles on WWX instead.

Nie Huaisang said, “Old Man Lan really seems like he’s coming down especially harshly on you. Every time he reprimands someone, it’s always you.” Jiang Cheng grunted. “He deserves it. What kind of answer was that? He can get away with saying that sort of nonsense at home, but he had the nerve to say it to Lan Qiren’s face. He was practically asking for the old man to kill him!”

But does WWX get away with ANYTHING in Lotus Pier? When we know he is punished constantly for EVERYTHING? This is jiang cheng fully being his mother's mouth piece. It's not something WWX would get away with, it's something jc knows JFM wouldn't mind. Which is why he's so pissed off. Which begs the question if JFM would not be upset with WWX's behavior why does jc need to criticize him? Again :

A dark expression shadowed Jiang Cheng’s face, and his voice was filled with anger. “Why are you so proud of yourself? What is there to be proud of?! Is being told to get out some amazing accomplishment? You’re making our entire clan lose face!”

and his glee at the idea that WWX will be punished leaves a bad taste in one's mouth considering how WWX was perpetually punished in Lotus Pier by jiang cheng's mother for... existing.

Jiang Cheng smiled grimly. “Now that you’ve thoroughly offended both Lan Wangji and Lan Qiren, you’re basically dead tomorrow. No one’s going to clean up your corpse either.”

and again

Without the old one, only the young one remained. This would be easy to deal with! Wei Wuxian rolled off the bed and laughed while putting on his boots. “Heaven’s charmed clouds are blessing me with shade.” Jiang Cheng was beside him polishing his sword with loving care when he decided to spill cold water over Wei Wuxian’s head. “Just wait until he gets back. You can’t escape punishment.”

Where others like NHS see value in WWX's thoughts

Nie Huaisang thought for a while. “Actually, I thought what you said was very interesting,” he said, not entirely able to hide his envy and yearning.

jc is always dismissive of WWX's ideas. These are inventions that WWX realizes. Demonic cultivation in the first conversation and The Spirit-Attraction Flag and The Compass of Evil in the second:

“Enough,” Jiang Cheng warned. “Whatever nonsense you spout, you better not head down that sort of dark road.”

-

Changing the topic, Wei Wuxian said, “If only there was something like fishing bait that could draw the water ghosts in. Or, something that could point in the direction they’re hiding, like a compass, that sort of thing.”

“Lower your head and watch the water,” Jiang Cheng said. “You’re letting your fantasies run wild again. Concentrate on looking for water ghosts like you’re supposed to.”

“Hey, mounting swords and flying was also only a fantasy once!” Wei Wuxian said.

He's also a hypocrite. Because even though he berates WWX for misbehaving, he himself breaks the rules. He drinks, he even goads WWX into buying liquor, the only difference is that he doesn't get punished for it, and he doesn't feel like coming forward and getting punished for it :

Naturally, Jiang Cheng was too embarrassed to talk about what Wei Wuxian had been up to. After all, all of them had egged him on to go and buy alcohol, and they all deserved to be punished as well. He could only speak vaguely. “It’s nothing. It’s nothing. It’s not that bad! He can walk. Wei Wuxian, why haven’t you gotten off yet?”

It's no wonder WWX is so impressed by LWJ's integrity in spite of his social status, when he's clearly used to the other dynamic :

“Lan Zhan, I really admire you,” Wei Wuxian said sincerely. “After I told you that you had to punish yourself too, you actually did it. You didn’t let yourself off at all. I can’t argue against that.”

A dynamic which is shown repeating in the Lotus Pod Extra where WWX is the only one to get punished for sunbathing, and which repeats here when Wei Wuxian here stops jiang cheng from confronting Zixuan over YanLi's honor (and jc's) and does it himself.

Zixuan :“Why don’t you ask what about her could make me satisfied?” he said in return.

Suddenly, Jiang Cheng rose. Wei Wuxian pushed him away and stepped between them, smiling coldly. “You think you’re very satisfactory? As though you have the right to be so picky!”

Zixuan: “If she’s unhappy, then let her break off the engagement! I certainly don’t cherish your wonderful disciple-sister. If you cherish her so much, why don’t you take it up with your father? Doesn’t he love you more than his own son?”

After hearing the last sentence, Jiang Cheng’s eyes narrowed, and Wei Wuxian was no longer able to contain his own fury. He flew at Jin Zixuan, his fist raised.

WWX takes the punishment alone. Same way he offers to do when he hurts himself falling from a tree because jc threatened him with dogs. meanwhile jc is gleeful to see him being punished.

[Wei Wuxian] was kneeling on the stretch of pebble road to which Lan Qiren had assigned him when Jiang Cheng walked over from afar and mocked him. “You’re kneeling so obediently.”

“It’s not like you don’t know I have to do this all the time.” Wei Wuxian’s voice filled with schadenfreude. “But this Jin Zixuan guy, there’s no way he hasn’t been pampered and spoiled rotten since birth. No one’s ever forced him to kneel, I’m sure of it. If he doesn’t wind up crying for mommy and daddy today, I’m not named Wei.”....

Wei Wuxian "...It’s a good thing you didn’t do anything.”

“I was going to. If you hadn’t pushed me away, the other side of Jin Zixuan’s face would be hideous too.”

“Stop it. His face is uglier for being lopsided."

WWX is happy to have spared jc from getting into trouble but jc makes the whole thing about himself anyway (like everything else ever) and is upset JFM would rush over for WWX - in his mind. Even though JFM clearly had to rush over to meet with Jin Guangshan not to coddle WWX in any way.

"Jiang Fengmian had never rushed to another clan in less than a day because of him. Regardless of whether what happened was big or small, or good or bad." Never

WWX on the other hand tries to be observant of jc's feelings and reassure him & distract him from his moods :

When Wei Wuxian saw Jiang Cheng’s melancholy expression, he thought he was still upset with what Jin Zixuan said. “You should leave. You don’t need to keep me company any longer. If Lan Wangji comes again, he’ll catch you. If you have time, you should find Jin Zixuan and watch his pitiful kneeling.”

Later in the book after nearly dying in the Xuanwu cave WWX leaves his sick bed to run after jc and comfort him after his mother's rant, even though WWX had to listen to his parents (and himself) being slandered by YZY. jc doesn't spare any thoughts for how other people might be feeling or suffering. His entire perception of the world is centered around himself. To him even WWX's greatest fear doesn't generate empathy, only amusement or later on a form of torture.

From that point onward, they made trouble everywhere together, and if they encountered a dog, Jiang Cheng would always chase it away for him, then enjoy a peal of derisive, unbridled laughter at Wei Wuxian’s expense beneath whichever tree the boy had leapt atop.

he grew up on the streets, often having to fight for food with vicious dogs. After several bites and chases, he gradually became extremely scared of all dogs, no matter the size. Jiang Cheng laughed at him because of this quite a lot of times.

This brings me to the last point. jc's resentment of WWX's interest in Lan Zhan, or in a serious friendship outside of him. I see so many ppl say that bc WWX fought he was kicked out of the Cloud Recesses early... but was he?

Jiang Cheng was somewhat taken aback. “Lan Wangji? What was he doing here? He still has the nerve to come see you again?”

“Yeah, I think his bravery is laudable if he still has the nerve to come see me. His uncle probably told him to check on me and see if I was kneeling properly.”

Jiang Cheng’s instincts were sending him ominous signals. “So were you kneeling properly?”

“I was then,” Wei Wuxian replied. “But I waited for him to walk away a bit, then took a tree branch, lowered my head, and dug out a hole in the dirt near me. It’s the pile right by your foot—there are ant tunnels there. It took me so much effort to find them. Anyway, I waited for him to turn back and see my shoulders shaking. He had to have thought I was crying, so he came back and asked. You should have seen his face when he caught sight of the ant tunnels!

“…” Jiang Cheng said, “Why don’t you just get the hell out and go back to Yunmeng? I bet he never wants to see you again.”

Thus, that evening, Wei Wuxian packed up his things, got the hell out, and went back to Yunmeng with Jiang Fengmian.

Repeatedly throught his stay in the Cloud Recesses even while NHS was observing that LWJ's behavior around WWX was strange and unique, jc was telling WWX he is hated and bothersome. When WWX wanted to apologize to LWJ jc is completely dismissive of it :

“He hates me already? I was thinking of apologizing to him,” Wei Wuxian said.

“Oh, so you want to apologize now? It’s too late!” Jiang Cheng said derisively. “He’s exactly like his uncle. He thinks you’ve been wicked ever since you were an embryo, so it’s beneath his dignity to pay you any attention.”

Later on when WWX mentioned wanting to invite LWJ to Lotus Pier jc categorically says no.

“Jiang Cheng had on a stern expression, “Let’s make this clear. I don’t want him to come, anyhow. Don’t invite him.”

BONUS

jc also always doubts WWX. He suspects him immediately of wrongdoings. He doesn't believe that getting hit with the discipline ruler in Cloud Recesses actually hurt him until LXC confirms that WWX might take more than a few days to heal. He doesn't understand WWX is in actual trouble from the Waterborne abyss and assumes he's fooling around luckily Lan Zhan is there to rescue him:

The disciple’s lower body had already been swallowed by the black whirlpool. It spun faster and faster, and he continued to sink deeper and deeper, as though something hidden beneath the water was pulling down on his legs.

Mounted on Sandu, Jiang Cheng had risen calmly until he was about sixty meters above the whirlpool before he looked down. Filled with displeasure at what he saw, he shouted and dove down. “What are you up to now?!”

The suction force inside Lake Biling grew ever stronger. Wei Wuxian’s sword was optimized for agility, and consequently, its strength happened to fall just short, and they were nearly pulled to the surface of the lake. Wei Wuxian steadied himself and held on to Su She with both hands.

“Someone help! If I can’t pull him up soon, I’ll have to let go!” he shouted.

Suddenly, the back of Wei Wuxian’s collar tightened, and his body was lifted into the air. He twisted his neck and saw Lan Wangji holding him up with one hand.

He maintains this same mindset when he tries to whip LWJ and WWX as they're attempting to leave Lotus Pier after the ancestral hall confrontation when WWX passes out.

Is jc evil in the Cloud Recesses ? No. He's just an annoying, basic, disagreeable asshole who doesn't bring anything positive to someone like WWX. People like jc become obsessed with kind, outgoing, generous people, people who don't set boundaries on what they give and what others take in their friendships. Even though they're dependent on them for their social interactions, because who else would socialize with them willingly, they resent them in equal measure, but at the same time they wouldn't be drawn to another selfish, self centered piece of shit person like themselves.

On a personal note, even Cloud Recesses jiang cheng is someone I would exclude from any personal friend group. Friendship with him is adding a minefield of jealousies and snide comments to every interaction. Things that then others will need to compensate around because he won't compromise or empathize w issues outside of his own concerns.

Translation source : x

[mousehole5000]

the rest... of... book 4..... through chapter 225

i sad.

“He was lying to himself and lying to others! All nothing but deceit! No matter what, it was impossible to pretend nothing had ever happened, and it was impossible to return to before!!!” - i know :(

“Before Feng Xin went, he was afraid. Now that Feng Xin had gone, he wasn’t scared any longer. But, even though he wasn’t afraid anymore, he was in deeper agony.” - ah yes. being afraid of your friends leaving so you do things to drive them away so you can have something to point to and say that you were the one who made the choice and you dont have to fear it anymore. except that has never once worked out ever and turns out losing people just means you lost them and it still hurts. not that i would know or anything.....

“He saw upon the table there were a few plates of horrid-looking dishes that were now cold. They were what he made the queen take away without eating a single bite the night before. Now, he pulled them over absent-mindedly, and ate everything, not daring to leave behind a single leaf, afraid to miss a single grain of rice. After he ate he started puking.” - this broke me and the bad cooking isnt funny anymore :(

all this happens after they have money again. no further commentary on this chapter

i know for a lot of book 3 i just wanted hua cheng to go away but now i would give anything for wuming to come and interrupt these interactions with white no-face

“Lang Ying, a brute commoner, led an army and destroyed Xianle. With the aura of the king enveloping his body, ordinary evil wouldn’t be able to come close to his person. However, at this moment, what Xie Lian brought with him were millions of souls of those who died on the battlefield!” - interesting to think about this story from lang ying’s point of view. the bit about his wife and child... oh my god... the things we carry with us...

“Will it really be alright to leave him like this? How about, I give him a cup of water?” - cup of water motif is back... ouch

“One person. Just one. Really. Just one person was enough!” - for like 20 minutes after reading this i really was just sitting here thinking about every time a stranger did me a small a kindness and the times i did the same it just made me cry harder i love people and they really can be awful and choose to be cold and cruel but it means that when they choose to be kind..... it doesnt negate the cruelty but its still indescribable.. and being able to see that and remember that even after all the pain..... 

ugh still just thinking about the times ive gone through something that changed me and having the cold numb fear that i would never be the same as i was before that i would lose some precious part of me forever and wondering if this would be the thing that finally did it... i dont know if ive ever actually experienced a piece of media that really make me think about that tbh

“Stop thinking so highly of yourself! I don’t need you to teach me anything, I can learn on my own. If you represent heaven’s will, then something like heaven’s will should be destroyed!” - why is defying the heavens so sexy.... keep it up (edit after white no-face identity reveal: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!)

the fact that xie lian went through what he did and got nothing out of it and in fact lost everything he had left due to the trauma,,,,, but just one person is enough for him to willingly offer to do it again, even if all he could save is one person,,,,,, crying again.... and who it is who takes it all on instead... ok...

“After all, everyone knew that Mu Qing ascended because he cleaned up all the remaining stubborn resentful spirits in the old capital of Xianle, so to understand it as “generous and kind” wasn’t unreasonable. In any case, everyone in the old capital of Xianle were all very grateful for him.” - its not unreasonable at all!!! this boy picks cherries for his mom and the neighborhood kids leave him alone

“Shaking his head, Xie Lian contemplated, then he ladled two large bowls of rice, one offered inside the Temple of Ju Yang, the other inside the Temple of Xuan Zhen. Finally, feeling that everything served its purpose, he clapped his hands close, completely satisfied.” - please i just want them to be friends again

ruoye........ xie lian bidding farewell to the tiny red flower.... ok i feel a totally normal amount about all these things

book 5 time!!!

xie lian king of taking a third option.. no one dies in the kiln at all we’re just leaving bitch

“Xie Lian didn’t know why he had to use his hands to cup Hua Cheng’s cheeks, but he did so subconsciously, probably so he could comfort him, but also because Xie Lian was afraid Hua Cheng’s face would be frostbitten by the snowstorm.” - gay people.....

“This giant stone divine statue must’ve been sculpted when Hua Cheng was trapped inside the Kiln, when he was severely beaten down and in intense suffering.” - ohhhh my god. okay. okay. look. i get it....

“The divine statue obeyed his command and took off with a gigantic, wide step, going along with the rolling current of snow. One slide was several miles, and the snow waves it created crashed around its body. Because both its arms were open, even though it was a body of a million tons, it still maintained good balance.” - HELL YEAH!! HELL YEAH LETS FUCKING GO LETS GOOOOO

the statue that requires transfers of spiritual energy... statue of make you kiss me i see how it is.....

“Hearing this, Hua Cheng raised his brows, his expression seeming to say, please have them beat each other to death, that’d be great.” - when you dont like your SO’s friends and they dont like you

“With a sharp sword in hand, Xie Lian was like a tiger with wings added, his might increasing exponentially, and he struck out!” - YES!!! GET EM!!!!

“No one could blame him for not knowing what was going on. Perhaps, he was confused the entire way: Why was he beaten? Why was he buried inside a wall? Why was he turned into a daruma doll? And why did he have to turn into a sword, too? There was not a single point where he’d figured out what was happening.” its okay qyz its okay i know honey me too

HELLO?? SQX IS BACK???? omg what a development omg omg okay okay interesting... okay so shi wudu would have rather died than lose everything but shi qingxuan is still trucking

“Hua Cheng responded lazily, “Oh? So you mean to say, beggars can’t save the world? Is it because they don’t have the ability to, or because they’re not worthy?” - KING okay i know this is a motivational tactic but also... who was it who took on all the souls for the human face disease and did in fact save the world back then hmmm?

absolutely enthralled by the fact that in chapter 207 we find out that the guoshi is in fact just. still here. and the name of the chapter is "Seeking Affection; Ghost King Fakes Displeasure” which i mean that happens too but fjasdlkfajsld

bruh okay. okay. okay. everything is happening okay. okay. chaos in the heavens okay. ling wen is still invited to kiss me on the mouth tho idc

“Indeed Yin Yu didn’t have enough confidence, and said weakly, “Chengzhu has shown me grace, he saved me…” “I know,” Jun Wu said. “He even helped you pacify and send off the resentful spirit of Jian Yu, who died during banishment, am I right?” - awww im glad they resolved that bit that whole situation was awful also give me the forbidden hua cheng ghost king lore...

“Yin Yu finally couldn’t take it anymore. He clenched his fists tight, his knuckles cracking, and he whipped around. “I DO RESENT HIM! I DO HATE HIM!!! BUT, SO WHAT??” - yin yu kiss me on the mouth right now

“Xie Lian hugged him. “It’s alright, it’s alright. These are all small matters, really. Your Highness Yin Yu, just live in this world for another few hundred years and you’ll know that none of that really matters. Either driven to madness or really wishing someone would die, whichever. Who in the world has never had such thoughts? I’ve even thought of massacring all in the world who had wronged me, it’s true, and no lie, I’d almost done it. But look at me, haven’t I shamelessly lived until now? You haven’t actually done anything in the end, and that’s the most important thing.” - he’s right im crying again

“But…in the end, I…still think…it’s so unfair,” Yin Yu sobbed. “If I was already destined to be no one remarkable, then at the very least, I…wanted to be a kind and perfect person. But…I couldn’t even do that. It’s really…so unfair. And truth to be told, even in this moment, just thinking that I’m dying for Yizhen, this little dummy, I still can’t get over it. I can’t even let go and die with a heart with no resentment and no regrets, what is that.” - YIN YU YOU CANT DIE NOOOOOOO youre the only man in this whole book i would kiss why does this always happen im actually really sad ;_;

“If the Rain Master was killed directly, and a better heavenly official couldn’t be found to replace her, the people put food above all else; if agriculture isn’t running smoothly, the world will be thrown into chaos. You don’t let people eat, people won’t give you a job. Besides being displeased with the Rain Master, the people of the world might also begin to be dissatisfied with the great god above Rain Master’s head. Which means, if he isn’t careful, the fire can burn all the way onto him. If things aren’t controlled adequately, it might incur riots to topple gods.” - rain master my friend rain master... also yes!!!!! food production!!!! critical!!!!!!! theres a lot you can get by without but food is not one of them!!!!!

“Feng Xin was Xie Lian’s servant, his good friend, but not his slave. He could’ve built his own home, had his own family. And he had actually already met those people, but the encounter just had to be during Xie Lian’s first banishment, the toughest days they suffered back then.” i am very sad about all of this

hua cheng in the palace of ling wen looking for the brocade immortal while the heavens are in complete chaos as the world turns on its head and STILL taking the time to beg for kisses is making me lose it fjalkdfjlsd

oh my god the guoshi and the cards thing..... hmmmm

delighted that mount tong’lu has such great significance beyond just being the kiln or whatever

hmmm crown prince of wuyong... its truly sad... but dude.....

the way that the heavenly capital is literally built out of previous gods... wow

the outright attempt to continue to cycle of trauma that failed simply bc 1. xie lian is his own person and 2. xie lian recieved kindness and gave it back to the world even to the people who refused to help him im ;_;

the absolute mess of xuan ji/rong guang/pei su/banyue/ke mo going down in the palace of ming guang... entertainment

okay i think im to a point where i dont have any possible spoiler knowledge in my brain about what happens next (only thing i have is theres a joke about he xuan eating that i dont understand yet and i think we might get like an emily corpse bride moment but if we do i dont know why) but oh my god things have escalated

[jaehyunavenue]

a fool ♡ nyt {1.6k words}

pride and prejudice!yuta + y/n

in which mr. nakamoto proves to be the most infuriating of men.

"that's not to say that i'm fond of you," mr. nakamoto said, his chest pushed out, eyes as icy as a winter morning's frozen lake. you felt the crowd around you try to push back a gasp, but a few had found the challenge too hard.

"let's get out of here," your friend whispered to you, a warm hand guiding you through the crowd.

it had been a few months since your aforementioned best friend had announced her engagement to mr. dong sicheng, and society had been abuzz at the news of this pairing. so what else could've made this even more sensational, if not for mr. nakamoto, mr. dong's intimidating best friend, falling for the bride-to-be's soul sister? society was drinking this up.

the entire situation was infurtiating, because you had no idea where these rumors were coming from. a man like him had no shred of love left in his body, so how could he give it to someone else?

you had tried to call as little attention to yourself as you wove through the crowd, but this had proven to be nearly impossible. believing you'd finally get some more alone time with mr. nakamoto, you had followed the advice of your sisters and dressed up a bit. karma knew though, because she had come to tell you you should've known your place.

you were in the midst of an intellectual discussion, when you felt the people around you come closer. it's them, right? was the phrase on everyone's mind.

"you know, you're pretty smart, miss y/n," mr. nakamoto had simply stated. a few older women around you two snickered, and it seemed to have caught him off-guard.

"that's not to say i'm fond of you."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"y/n, darling!" your mother shouted up the stairs. "please come down!"

you hurried to tie the ribbon in your hair, getting out of your room and instantly rushing down.

"what is it, mother dear?" you inquired.

"i've just received notice that your friend has come down with a fever! oh dear, could you fetch a carriage and send some soup to her? i believe both her and mr. dong sicheng are at mr. nakamoto's manor."

"she's what?" you asked again. you felt as if your heart would explode. recently, you'd heard of a new sickness that was claiming many lives, and it always started off with a simple fever. your heart automatically assumed the worse, so it didn't take you long before you carried the soup out.

"elizabeth, have you seen the carriage?" you asked your maid.

"miss, i believe your father had some important business in london. they're not to arrive in a week or two."

and so it wasn't long before you headed to the stalls, picked the healthiest-looking horse, and headed out.

"y/n!" your mother screamed. you could feel her anger, so you rushed, hoping she wouldn't catch up to you just as you were heading out.

your sister was right outside when she saw you speeding past her on her horse.

"who will marry you??" you could hear her temper from behind. "a lady never rides alone!"

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

the newly-brewed storm was now in full swing, whipping your skirts around. your horse tried to gallop ahead, but her whines had slowly gotten more and more frequent.

"it's okay, it's just a storm," you tried muttering.

just at that second, your horse slipped and fell, and you fell in too. your pink dress was now a mix of browns and blacks, dirtied by mud.

and, as if that wasn't enough, your horse got up with a whine and raced back in the opposite direction.

to say you were having a bad day would be an understatement.

you got up, looking around. the heavy rain was making it hard to figure out where you were, but you could still manage to recognize some of the outlines around you. if you were correct, you were just over the halfway mark of your journey. it would take you about an hour and a half to continue, and about two hours if you wanted to head back home. there was only one rational choice.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

you were sure you looked like hell. the mud on your dress had dried in random spurts, your hair was drenched and stuck to your forehead, and the cold weather had made you develop a runny nose after just under two hours of walking. the soup you carried with you was now freezing cold, but you still made your way forward.

you had entered the front garden of mr. nakamoto, and even your soured mood couldn't help hiding the admiration in your eyes. you had heard about his family and his influence, but this garden was above what you had imagined. marble statues sat alongside perfectly trimmed trees, and the beautiful arrangements of roses occasionally gave way to tiny groves hiding elegant, but small fountains.

you turned around, feeling embarrassed at how your muddy footsteps had left marks on the gravel. the storm had quieted down meanwhile, and now you could think clearly. standing right in front of the door of the most gorgeous manor you had ever seen, you were seriously considering leaving the soup on the doorstep and heading back. your hand was angled already, ready to knock, but it slowly made its’ way down. how could you possibly come in, looking like this and knowing this was his house, especially after what he had told you last week?

you turned around, making your way back, when you heard the front door open.

"if my cat dragged in something looking like you, i'd throw it back out," his gruff voice greeted you. "come in."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

what had been one sick woman had become two sick women after your courageous trip. your mother was instantly assured of your safety and informed that you couldn't possibly come back home in the state you were in, and she had granted you permission to stay at mr. nakamoto's. after all, he could afford a better physician and was closer to him too, so you could only benefit from the situation. so why did you feel so out of place?

mr. dong sicheng was constantly calling friends over, trying to entertain his fiance and her best friend as well as possible and yet, your host had done nothing but give you the occasional odd eye. the drawing room conversations always ended with a snarky remark towards your side, which would result in everyone slowly dissipating to their rooms, and you'd be left in the dark of your chambers, trying to fight your cold off.

your friend was almost all better, but she refused to leave you alone, taking mr. dong sicheng and his entertaining skills away with her too. so, slowly but surely, you had started feeling like a bother, spoiling what was proving to be a gradually sunnier month. the physician said you were definitely on the road to getting better, it's just that you had a few symptoms that were harder to get through. so why did it feel like you were only getting worse?

the night was slowly settling in, and you eased yourself into your bed. just as you lay down, you felt your head ache aggressively, and it had taken you all you could muster to ring the maid bell before you passed out.

once you woke up though, the maid was not the one holding the cool, damp cloth to your forehead. instead, a pair of dark eyes had greeted yours'.

"the physician just left," mr. nakamoto had started. "he said this was likely your illness' last try, and you should definitely be improving after your fainting spell."

you mused over this new piece of information. yes, you did feel better. although you were still undeniably sick, you did not feel as weak as before. your cold was now just a pestering side-event, instead of a death sentence.

you tried to rise out of bed, but were met with protests. his hand touched your shoulder, and you could feel the warmth of his fingers through your nightgown as he pushed you back into bed. the man you had considered so stern and unforgiving proved to have the softest of touches.

"you know-" he began, voice heavy with what would soon become another harangue against your foolish ways.

"i know, i really do," you stopped him before he could continue. "i was stupid. i should've waited, or called for help, or-"

and yet, as his fingers pushed a curl of hair behind your ear, you could feel none of that condescending attitude he usually had.

"do you think that's what i was about to tell you?" he whispered back, the slight ghost of a mischievous smile flashing across his features, eyes angled to the floor.

"like you would miss the chance to remind me how much of a fool i am?" you fired back. your newly improved condition had offered some of your fire back to you.

"do you really think that's what i think of you?" he asked calmly, but his smile was now evident on his face.

"is it not? because if it isn't, you clearly aren't making it obvious. thank you for all the times you've made me seem inferior to you in front of society then." you shot at him, lower lip jutting out subconsciously.

he really must hate me, you thought. it seemed as though as he always tried to make you seem as stupid as possible, with his witty remarks and cool exterior, and especially in front of those deemed important. maybe that's why you were surprised as your thoughts got interrupted by his face, hovering just above your's.

"then maybe i should try harder," he said, almost sadly, and his thumb rested over your chin, just as his lips enveloped your's in the sweetest of kisses.

honk, she’s back. finals are (almost) over and i’ve been meaning to write this for a while (this was actually originally meant for jaehyun !!! but i thought yuta would fit better) and i finally got to doing it! so pls (hopefully) expect some more stuff in the upcoming week. as for now, thank you for reading <3333

p.s. istg if this doesnt show up in the tags ill LITERALLY rip my hair out

[weissfai-blog1]

Love Bites.

AePete AU

"There are no accidental meetings between souls."

Pete is a vampire. AND NO – he is not some sparkling diamond vampire – though whoever look at Pete will say he is a sparkling Prince – but no – Pete is not a twilight vampire nor is he Bram Stroker’s Dracula vampire. 

He is a half Noble vampire. His mother is a powerful dragon seeker while his father is a full blooded Noble. 

The Nobles are an ancient and powerful race that possess great strength, speed and telepathy as well as various blood related abilities, such as the talent to grant similar powers to others via contracts "of blood and soul". They reside on an island nation, known as Lukedonia, that cannot be detected by human senses. They have guarded humans against predators and the forces of nature as long as they have existed, due to a genetic inability to ignore the slaughter of the weak, helpless humans. Thousands of years ago, they were worshipped as gods by various cultures around the world.

However, the Nobles are nearing extinction due to a scarcity of females to mate with. With their lifemates, male Nobles live emotion-filled colorful lives. Without them, the males fight the madness that causes them to choose between suicide or the thrill of killing humans by draining their blood, becoming soulless vampires in the process.

But he doesn’t apply to these category as he is not a full blood Noble. 

Pete is a gentle and way too sweet and shy half Noble that his father deem him unworthy of the gift and vanished him, and because his mother loves Pete so much – they both abandon the life in Lukedonia and travel and after a hundred years of traveling to different countries, they settle to Thailand. 

Pete’s mother was born in Thailand. She loves the country, the people, the beauty and the serenity of the land.

Pete and his mother change their surname to fit in with the Thai people and they settle on an old mansion. His mother told him to live like a normal boy and because Pete doesn’t crave blood like ordinary Noble, he is free to go out even on sunlight. As he is also a part Dragon Seeker, he doesn’t turn into ash or die if the sun hits his skin. He is what the others may call Day Walker.

Pete’s mother looks at her son. She worries about Pete as the first to being a half Noble and half Dragon Seeker boy to ever live. Most of the half-breeds die at their 50th years of age. But Pete is nearing his 300 years of age and though he is the same as the Nobles who lost their colour of sight, Pete never changes. He doesn’t crave blood (though she gave him blood via blood bag through blood bank), doesn’t go dark, every night she administer a soul and spirit check on his body but its clean… more like pure. Her son has a purest white soul. 

Putch heard about the legendary Noblesse but never given it a thought. For all her life, she knew only of one Noblesse and that person is not half but a full blood Noble.

Putch told Pete to live his life freely. Whoever he chooses, whether it be human or of the same kind, she will support him. 

Pete met Ae. 

Pete was walking out of his campus when again the pain in his head hits him, the pain and disoriented blurry visions keeps on popping out in his head. He wasn’t aware what’s happening in his surrounding when he heard a shout and someone drag his body and both of him and the other stumble in the ground with a loud impact.

‘Are you driving to hell?! And you! What the hell are you doing not looking where you’re walking?! Are you planning to die?! If you are, choose a place where I’m not there!’

Pete doesn’t understand what’s happening but his heart then begun to hammer and his visions doubled… the ground… its grey… he looks at his surrounding and he was blinded by the burst of colours.

COLOURS!

He can see colours… 

But the only time a Noble can see colour is when they find their lifemate through voice or connection.

‘Oi! Are you okay?!’

Pete stumbled once again on the ground and clutch his heart tight. 

Its beating crazily and there’s a line. 

A magic being woven.

A connection being form.

Pete found himself being raise by the person and for the first time he looks at him.

Pete gasped.

Black obsidian eyes looks at him.

‘Are you okay? You’re bleeding!’

He what?! Impossible!

He looks and yeah, he is bleeding. But why?

That’s their first meeting.

The man who gave him colour and light ~ Ae. A small boy but with sturdy muscular body and a harsh foul mouth.

Ae cannot help but feel lucky and at the same time with the thinking: “Did I ever save the whole country on my past life to have a friend like Pete?” 

Each and everyone who knew Ae will know that he is a brute. He doesn’t have any sweet bone in his body, he doesn’t even have a STOP DON’T SAY IT brake on his mouth. He will say what he want to say especially to some idiots who lacks braincells. 

Pond calls Ae: “Son of a Beast! He will kick his only best friend and whacks my head if I so much get on his business and be nosy! See this! See this?! That’s his fist! My skull already has a dent in the form of his fist!”

Ping: “The greatest man but has the foulest mouth on the planet. He doesn’t care nor doesn’t give a damn what other people will think. I have never been the receiving end of his fist and kick so I’m happy to say that he is still a friend I can count on.”

Bow: “Tactless beast! He just made someone cry when he flat our rejected her. But that’s what I like about Ae, he never take advantage of people and will always be there to help others.”

Can: “Ae is the bestest of the best man out there! He doesn’t give a damn and will help me even though he doesn’t know me! He is a great bastard buddy!”

Captain of the Football Team: “Ae is our MVP. He may be 174 cm shorty but he can kick those asses good bye! We love Ae in this team. He brings glory to us! Well except when he beat us Sports Science when he is an Engineering Major…”

LadyBoys: “I don’t know how the hell a muscular, sexy abs, yummy muscles belong to that shorty with foul mouth! This is an outrage! He even give me the middle finger when I told him if he wants to spend the night with me! Such barbaric action against me a lady!”

Pete chuckles to the different description of Ae. 

For him, Ae is the opposite of what they say and he cant help wander why. Ae is sweet to him. Ae never finds him annoying and he is always pinching his cheeks or ruffling his hair. Ae told him that he likes his hair, soft and silky (well he is a half-Noble so his hair is entirely different from humans) 

Ae never rush him when they are eating. Its hard for him to swallow cause he is not used to eating the food Ae gave him, he eats either fruits and drinks blood via blood bags from blood bank. So its really really hard for him to swallow any meat and vegetables.

Ae cares about his safety that Ae will bike all the way to his apartment and drop him off (when all he did was walked, he is a Noble so walking for an hour or so is nothing to him, or he can just jump building to building or well, fly – he is not human after all)

The Engineering Department won the game with Ae’s two points versus Sports Science and instead of joining the seniors and juniors at the party, Ae went to Pete. Pete was alarmed when Ae was at his apartment. Pete looks at the full moon and this is the time that he is very weak and the blood bags are not stored in his freezer where he usually storms them.

He has been feeling weak for the couple of days and the blurry visions and headache keeps on attacking him.

Ae was worried because Pete promise to watch the game only he didn’t show up. Pete never miss a game and he was not answering his line messages as well.

‘Pete, what’s wrong? You’re so pale.’ Ae was scared for Pete. Pete’s skin is milky white with a blush but the Pete before him is pale as ghost.

‘Ae… please go. I’m okay. Please please go.’

‘No! I will be here! Tell me what to do!’

‘Ae please! Go!’

Ae was angry now when Pete seems to be pushing him. 

Pete was crying and Ae doesn’t know what to do. Ae tried to hug him but Pete pushed him -  a little bit strong that made Ae stumbled and hurt.

‘OH! AE! Im sorry! But please please. I don’t want to hurt you! Please go!’

Pete was scared – he can feel hunger. 

He had never felt his way before.

He can smell it… the delicious smell of blood. He clench his teeth and told Ae once again to go.

‘No! I will not go!’

‘Ae please… I don’t want you to hate me… please’

Ae is crying now as well, ‘Please tell me Pete what’s wrong with you?’

‘Ae… I… I- please just go.’

‘No!’

‘Ae!’

Then everything on Pete’s memory become a blur and then darkness.

He doesn’t remember anything.

What he remembers is the sweet taste of blood in his lips.

He woke up and was shock. 

He was scared.

‘Ae?’

Everything – his surrounding is full of blood. Dried blood.

‘NO! NO! AE!’

‘What?’

‘Huh?’ Pete looks up and saw Ae running to him. Ae in his shorts and wet hair. 

‘Pete are you okay?’

‘Ae?’

‘Yes.’

‘Ae!’

‘Yes! That’s me! I mean yes what?’

‘You-you’re okay… what-what? Blood?’

‘Ah. Well… First of all, Pete this is not my blood. This is the blood from the bag inside your freezer. And well, some of them are your blood.’

‘What happen Ae?’

‘You kinda turn dart vader last night. You push me – well more like – haul me – good thing it was a soft sofa and went to the freezer, you open the blood bag and drink it, but you throw it away saying ‘It taste like rot’ and then you look at me-‘

‘Ae! Oh my! Did I hurt-‘

‘I’m not hurt. I understand what’s happening even though I don’t believe it – but you well, your eyes turned blue and your fangs kinda shows and told me your are so thirsty. I offer you my blood-‘

‘NO!’

‘Well yes, but when you are nearing me, you bite your own arm. And told me to get out.’

‘Then why are you still here?’

‘I can never leave you Pete. You look like your dying. And you were speaking about soul contract or blood contract-‘

‘GOD NO!’

‘Well – I don’t want you to suffer… and I understand that you need blood. I gave it to you freely.’

Pete then put his trembling hands to Ae’s neck, removing the towel, and yes, there it is his bite.

‘Ae! Oh God! I’m so sorry!’

‘Pete don’t be. I agree with it.’

‘No! no! You don’t know what it means-‘

‘It means that you’re going to drink my blood from now on. That my blood is the only blood you’ll ever drink.’

‘Ae why? Why didn’t you leave. I’m  a monster Ae. You should have left me…’

‘Pete. We have been fighting last night more than hours – me telling you to drink my blood while you insisting I get out. You even threatened to kiss me and enchant me with your other spell from your mother side and I still stayed.’

‘Why? Why Ae?’

Ae smiled and put his two hands on Pete’s cheek, ‘Because you are not a monster. You are a pure cute vampire. My vampire.’

THIS IS NOT THE END. There will be a proper chapter by chapter story fic. Thank you.

Author’s Note : I was looking for another name for Vampire when I remember about the webtoon that I’ve read years ago (its still on going) it’s a Korean manhwa title: NOBLESSE. I borrowed the title or the race and some places. I just don’t want to say just a vampire.

[quietseraphim]

Dream a Little Dream of Me

My first BTS fic ever! Cross-posted on AO3

(I promise there’s a read-more link, sorry if it doesnt show up on mobile)

Pairing: Kim Namjoon X Reader

Genre: Drama, Angst, Fluff

Tags: Idol!RM Student Teacher!Reader. Soulmate AU, meeting in dreams. There’s a decent amount of cursing in this, just a heads up.

Summary:  There are old wives tales about dreams and what they can mean. There are also stories of dreams that you can share with your soulmate, dreams where even if you're not together, you can still comfort each other when you need it most.

What happens if your soulmate is not only on the other side of the planet? But they're also international icons?

Chapter: 1  2

Ao3 Link

Please be sure to like it here on Tumblr or give me some Kudos on Ao3! 

Also: my inbox is always open, any and all constructive criticism is welcome as well as questions/regular comments on the fic! Enjoy!

There were a lot of old wives tales about dreams, from the idea that a dream about your teeth falling out meant an unexpected rainfall of money, to the idea that dreams are visions of your past life. But there are also tales of dreams that feel so real that when you wake up, you feel empty inside. Dreams that felt so real that you could feel the warmth of the other person’s body long after they were gone. People would say all kinds of things, from writing them off as sex dreams or even going so far as to say it was a ghost. And in a way it was true, but according to others, these particular dreams were a snap of connection between soulmates. That they would connect when they needed each other the most. But like everything, this could be flawed; even if by some miracle that a pair would be alive at the same time, a pair of soulmates could be on opposite sides of the world where their sleeping patterns would never cross, each having to live out this life without their other half. In cases like these, they’d have to wait to meet in a different timeline where fate and the universe would be kinder. Fluff pieces would be written in newspapers, smattered between the stories of politics and murder to make people feel better. The pair would talk about how their dreams connected for months before finally meeting in person and falling in love. Most readers wouldn’t read too much into it, and no one really believed in soulmates.

~~*~~

It was a reoccurring dream that always left me feeling empty inside once I woke up. It was a simple thing, more a feeling than a dream, but the weight of having someone’s arms around my waist, their face pressed against my own, their breath tickling my neck, a feeling of having someone there when they weren’t, it’s a hard feeling to shake when it felt so real.

My eyes fluttered awake as the last remnants of my dream were swept away by the harsh light of the afternoon sun, groaning I slowly propped myself up, checking my watch. The LED screen read 5:24 pm, my impromptu nap had only been little over an hour, work was more stressful than usual. I stretched my arms above my head and heaving another heavy sigh, I flopped back onto my pillows,  please let me continue that dream I prayed silently closing my eyes...After a minute or two after just laying with my eyes closed, I let out a huff, whatever hold on that sleep had on me was gone and now there was no chance of falling back into the dream. The dream that always felt so so real.

It happened every once in a while, the connection, but it always happened at random times, which basically told me that if soulmates were a thing, then my soulmate lived on the other side of the planet, or at the very least, had an odd sleep schedule. After every dream, I felt more refreshed and energized than before (though that could have been an after-effect of the nap itself).

If I was being honest with other people, I don’t think soulmates existed, it seems too improbable, too impossible that there was someone out there in the world who is my perfect match, who was my partner for life, romantic or otherwise.

But then again...the hopeless romantic in me firmly believed in it, believed that I had made the connection, if only for a split second. There were so many afternoon naps that I woke up from with the feeling of arms around my waist and a nose nuzzled in my hair. These feelings/dreams would only happen when I was super exhausted or emotionally drained, either because of how work/school went or because my depression came in a wave that crashed over me, making it hard to even see straight. It was especially on those days that I needed the comfort that came with the connection dreams.

I’ve basically resigned myself to the fact that the connection dreams will never happen when I need them to, that I’ll never be asleep at the same time as my soulmate (for longer than 20 minutes anyway), and that I’d never meet my soulmate. Until finally, it happens and the phantom feeling of arms around me develops into something more.

Until one night it happens.

I was struggling to open my apartment door, I had so much shit in my hands and I was so fucking tired from the shit-show of a day. As soon as I finally got in, I kicked off my heels, practically falling over myself. I threw down my lunch bag, backpack, purse, basically everything. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and as I fumbled to check my emails, it fell. And that was it. I stared at my phone on the floor and all of a sudden tears started welling up in my eyes. I started breathing heavier and faster and I just let myself fall to the floor, sobs wracking my body. I have no idea how long I stayed on the floor for, or why I was really in the middle of a breakdown. Yeah, work had been shit, the students I had were even worse than usual, but it wasn’t so different than any other day. But then again I was just so tired, I hadn’t been getting enough sleep lately, or come to think of it water or food. Financial struggles were such a burden and apparently, after months of the anxiety and depression bubbling up it finally spilled over.

Heaving a sigh, I dragged myself off the floor and stumbled to my room, too exhausted in all aspects to do anything other than just flop onto my bed. I rolled over and grabbed the stuffed sea otter plush I got at the aquarium, hoping it would help me feel better, closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

As soon as I fall asleep, I feel that familiar weight settle over the curve of my waist. I sigh and push myself back a bit into their warmth. Thank god you’re here, please don’t leave anytime soon I say. I don’t expect any response, why would I? It’s been months of on and off connection dreams and usually, I can feel them for, at most, 20 minutes and even then the time flies and I never say anything. I don’t know why I said anything to begin with anyway. But as soon as the words leave my mouth, whoever is holding me, they stiffen, and then a pit settles in my stomach as I realize,  oh shit, they can hear me.

Is this actually happening? Comes a voice from behind, soft but husky, it almost makes me shiver, the feeling of their breath against the nape of my neck, are we actually dreaming together right now? Oh god, how I want to turn around, to see them, but I’m terrified. Not of them, but I’m so afraid any sort of movement will wake me up, or worse, that I'll turn around and it’ll be a normal dream. Not a connection dream, and goodness knows I couldn’t handle anything like that right now with my state of mind. And so...I just stay quiet. After all, there’s no actual rulebook on how this sort of thing works. Relishing in their warmth in their presence, after all, I’m half-expecting one of us to wake up at any point and all I want to do is feel comforted. They sighed, I guess you’re not really here and I am dreaming. Or maybe I need you more than you need me, but whatever the reason, I’m glad I finally get to hold you for just a bit longer. His voice is soft but almost sad, tinged with such a longing that sends a pang through my heart.

Alright, so it’s definitely not a regular dream, if it was a regular dream, something wild would have happened by now, and I don’t think I would be able to dream up such a wonderful voice. But I still can’t bring myself to turn around just yet, so I just let out a soft breath, and he pulls me closer and nuzzles his nose into the back of my neck.

When I wake up the next morning, I honestly don’t remember anything other than a soft white light, the feeling of warmth and a soft voice.

The next time it happens is a few days later, and I still don’t say anything, the fear of waking up rendering me basically incapable of doing anything other than burrowing further into their warmth.

This time though, he doesn’t just stay quiet, he starts to talk to me, I wonder if you can hear me, if you’re ignoring me, or if you’re as scared as I am? He laughs a bit, maybe if you knew who I was you would be scared, but I hope not. He keeps talking, mostly nonsense but when I wake up the next morning, I remember more of it, the “image” of the dream becoming sharper.

And so it goes on for a while, each night learning more about him when he talks. He’s always pensive, always wondering out loud what I’m like, what I’m thinking about.

Because it keeps happening, now he knows that I am there but he’s understanding of my silence.

One night he brings up the idea that they aren’t actually speaking the same language (or is it thinking? Since it’s happening in our heads). Even though I hear him in my own native language, he apparently is thinking/talking to me in another language, I wonder if you don’t talk to me because you don’t understand Korean, or maybe you do?

Each night I learn more and more, it feels almost unfair that he’s telling me all this and that I’m too much of a coward to say anything. I learn he likes music and when he runs out of things to talk about, he starts singing softly or rapping depending on his mood. He’s good at both, but I prefer his singing voice, may not be the best, but that makes me feel better. Makes him more human to me. The nights after he sings to me, I always try to remember the melody, it’s familiar, but then as the day goes on I forget more and more of it.

I learn that he has a big family, always telling me stories about his big brothers and little brothers, all the silly antics they get into.

I also find out that he’s here for a short time. Here being the area/zone/whatever that lets them connect basically every night. Now, our dreams connect I’m actually sleeping,  not napping like the first few times.

With each night and each dream, I start to communicate more. I’m still paranoid that it’s a regular dream and that I’ll wake up (the logical side of me thinks all this is just a wine-induced dream) so I still don't respond verbally to him, but I do nod or shake her head. I always adjust myself to be more comfortable in his arms.

With each dream comes more vivid memories the next morning, where before, when it all first started, I would remember nothing, just a comforting presence, now she can see more of him as well.

Each morning, the first thing I do is scour the internet looking for more information on soulmates, dreams, connections, and each time I find the same thing, “reports inconclusive”.

Two months after we start connecting more frequently, things change.

I’m leaving soon, we had just been lying together in the white space that is our shared dream space.

As soon as I hear this, my brain kicked into overdrive and the worst possible things flew past my mind. I guess when I was imagining the worst case scenario (which at the moment was that he was in a coma or something and that they were gonna pull the plug and I’d have to live my life alone) I tensed up or froze. I could feel him laugh, I humphed and he pulled me closer, rubbing circles with his thumb against my side,   I’m okay, I’m perfectly healthy, but I am leaving this area. I relax a tiny bit, but before I let myself relax completely, I wait for him to go on, I’m going back to Korea, which means we won’t be able to connect as often his voice becomes serious and sad. I don’t even know where you are, for all I know we could be across the country from each other right now, or even in the same city. His voice falls silent and I reach for the hand that is rubbing circles on my waist and interlace my fingers through his.

I don’t know how long we stay like that, silent, but I know it’s now or never. Finally, I talk to him, I’m going to miss this. I have to resist the urge to laugh because I can almost the surprise radiating off him, I’m sorry I haven’t said anything until now, I say rushing through my words so I can explain, I was afraid this wasn’t real, that this was just a regular dream, but then when I knew that it wasn’t a regular dream...I didn’t know when to start, I liked hearing your stories, hearing you sing. I let out a bitter laugh, that and I’m an awkward coward who didn’t know when the right time to talk was.

His body behind her relaxes as he snorts, I think you may be one of the few who like when I sing, people usually praise me for my rapping.

I huff, I love your voice … Oh fuck. I freeze, I don’t know where we are and I have to go and say that stupid four-letter word??? Fuck!

As I’m in the middle of my freak out I can feel his smile on the back of my neck and he pulls me a little closer, well if old wives tales are to be believed we are soulmates, of course you’re gonna love my voice, he teases and he tightens his hold on my waist.

We stay like that for a bit longer, a small pit of dread sitting in our stomachs as we hold onto each other, not knowing if I would wake up soon or if he would, if our dream would end soon.

What do you see when you look at me? He asks suddenly, breaking the silence, well, when you see my arm anyway he says pulling his hand away from mine and waving it around.

I snort at the silly motion, All I see is fuzzy white all around, the only thing that’s clear is you I answer, reaching out and lacing my fingers between his again, what do you see?

The same thing, he says, I see your hair, your arms and shoulders, he falters a bit, If this is the last time we connect, I want to see your face.

My brain short-circuits as he continues hurriedly, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

I don’t say anything, I just slowly unlace our fingers, before I can say anything I can feel him starting to pull away, but before he can let the distance get any bigger I quickly grab his arm, close your eyes, I say.

He nods and swallows hard. I can’t read his mind, but I can tell he’s almost too unsure of his own voice.

He squeezes my hand and I know he has his eyes closed. I take a deep breath and close my eyes too. I shift in the space to face him, my hands finding a place on his chest. I freeze for a split second, his chest a lot more broad than I was expecting. I shake my head a teeny bit and take another deep breath.

One, I start

Two, he continues

Three, we whisper together opening our eyes, for the first time seeing each other fully.

Holy shit, I don't know if I say it out loud or if I’m just thinking it (though in this case, what’s the difference?). The man in front of me, the one who I’ve had essentially been sleeping with for the better part of two months, was international star Kim Namjoon, RM of BTS.

In my state of shock, there’s a sudden snap and the dream connection is severed. I sit up quickly, back in my own lonely bed in my own lonely apartment. My hand comes up to clutch at my throat, chest heaving with rapid breaths. Shit shit shit okay, slow down, the last thing I need is to have a fucking panic attack I go through my usual routine of calming my panic attacks, but I’m in too much shock and I start to hyperventilate tears blurring everything around me, of-fucking-course the universe would not only give me a soulmate who lives halfway around the fucking world. But it had to top it off with them being a fucking International star, a fucking idol! Fuck! The more rational part of my brain was going through all the scenarios and it came up with the same conclusion over and over, if it all was real and not some elaborate dream, it wouldn’t matter anyway, it was well known that it was near impossible for idols to date anyone, let alone a fan.

Too afraid to fall back asleep, to reconnect in their dreams, I stay up the rest of the night, alternating between cursing the universe and all the gods and beings I can think of, and crying until I’m numb, aching to be held by him again. To letting myself imagine all the scenarios where, by some miracle, that we could find a life together, where we could be happy and have a family together.

~*~

Miles away, Namjoon was going through the same rollercoaster of emotions. As soon as he woke up, he basically hurled himself out of his hotel bed over to the desk and opening up his laptop. Logging into Twitter, he spent the rest of the night poring over every single account of every single person who had ever liked, commented, retweeted anything they had posted. Desperate to see a picture of her, see a glimpse of her. She recognized me right?? So she knows who I am, she could be a fan or something. That singular thought kept him going as he checked account after account, trying to push away the ugly thoughts, the thoughts that were almost angry that if she had just talked to him all those times they had connected, that he could have found her, that he could have seen her for more than a split second before their connection was cut off.

He stayed at that desk until dawn finally broke, until he finally had to close his laptop and load into a car that would take him to a plane that would take him far far away from his soulmate.

[talknerdytome67-blog]

Loss

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss but losing a twin is like losing half of yourself.

When I was 22, my twin brother, who was my only sibling, died. He had huffed duster while driving resulting in immediate brain death causing him to hit a tree at over 90mph. That day wasnt like any other day because a few months earlier I woke up and knew he was going to die. Just not how or when. The day the phone rang and I heard my mom say dark, foreign words like car accident, unresponsive, drugs, life support was the most impactful day of my life. In the thickness of shock, I didn't realize that the rest of my life would be measured in before and after. Before, when my family was intact. After, when I would somehow be forced to learn to live without the person I was supposed to get a lifetime with.

"Be strong for your parents," said blurs of people at Trevor's memorial service. I nodded, but inside me, something twisted. I stood in a daze as people streamed by, offering their awkward words and hugs. Be strong for your parents? I thought. How can I be strong for them when half my soul just died and I dont even know how to be strong for myself.

After

I was barely breathing. I was barely standing there. I was numb and strong was the last thing I felt. One thing is for sure I felt angry at my brother for leaving me here. For abandoning me. It's funny how I found myself consoling complete strangers over the death of my brother and yet these very people werent there for him when he was alive and struggling w addiction. Why is it that no one seems to truly care about you until tragedy strikes and then suddenly your life meant so much to them. They say things like "I didn't see this coming" "Why didn't they reach out"

In the early months after Trevors death at 22, I existed in a heavy fog. Nothing was as I knew it. I'd been forced to abandon the little life I'd once known. My friends were living their lives -- going to college, working, falling in and out of love and lust. Meanwhile, my life had stopped and I no longer recognized the world around me.

My home was filled with the cloying scent of flowers just starting to die. It struck me just then how terrible it was that we send flowers to the grieving -- here you go, another reminder that nothing is permanent, that everything lovely will be lost.

My brother's absence was heavy in the house. Though he had died in Peoria, his room was still scattered with relics: the bed he had slept in for so many years, his skateboarding hoodies hanging like shadows in the closets, a handful of videos and books. Memories pinned to each corner. His beloved Ferret Ember waiting for her best friend who was never coming home.

Having always taken comfort in words, I scoured the internet for a book for someone like me -- a barely adult whose (barely) adult twin brother had died. What I found was unimpressive: There were more books on losing a pet than losing a brother or sister, especially a twin. A few books existed for surviving children after a death in the family, but they were for small children. One memoir documented a sister's grief following her brother's death, but it was out of print.

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss. I felt guilty for missing him.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my world took another 360* hit. I decided I needed to join a support group so I sat in a circle with a few widows and widowers, a woman whose daughter had died, and a woman whose mother had died. I was younger than any of them by at least 30 years, but I could relate to their shares: "I feel like I'm going crazy." "I'm so damned angry right now." "I can't sleep at night." "My anxiety is at an all time high"

Though the losses were different, the feelings were the same and we were all barely coping.

My parents, who adopted us at 2 would never be the same. Their pain was almost visible, as if a piece of their bodies had been cut out. I had lost myself, too, or at least the version of me that was unscathed by tragedy: an innocent version, who walked around in some parallel universe where her brother was still alive, ignorant to the incredible fortune of an entirely alive family.

My brother, my twin, my built in best friend. I miss Trevors big brown eyes. His loud laugh. He was the co-keeper of my childhood and my secret's. The person who was supposed to walk with me longer than anyone else in this life. The only other person who knew what it was like to grow up with our particular parents, in our particular home and our particular situation being adopted.

The future.

I cried for the nephews and nieces I would never have. I cried for my own daughter who would never know my brother, her uncle. How would I explain him? How would I ensure that his essence wasn't lost, that he wasn't just a figure in old photographs, a handful of stories? Suddenly i was the only person who could make my parents the grandparents they were soon to be.

I constantly grieve for all the hard times ahead when my brother wouldn't be by my side. When my parents begin to age. When my grandparents die. There would be no one to share these dark milestones with and no one to comfort me in the way he did with just his presence.

And so 3 weeks after his death Im now pregnant and despite feeling like I wanted to die from the pain and loneliness i had to stay alive. I suddenly was needing to stay healthy, to stay safe, to stay positive because I was bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world and theres no time to fall apart.

So I placed my grief on hold.

I felt like our family had been a four-legged table, and one leg had suddenly been torn off. The remaining three of us wobbled and teetered. We felt the missing leg like an amputee, each morning waking to the horrible fact that Trevor was gone and unable to stop the pain.

I wrote letters to my brother in those early months and years. At first, memories blazed through my head and I used the letters to capture them before they flitted away, gone forever: my brother walking towards me when he knew my heart had been broken and embracing me in a giant hug. The time I taught him to make snow angels in the front yard of our home, our bulkily clad limbs sliding in synchronicity under the cold afternoon sun.

Later, I wrote the letters when I needed to cry -- when the grief sat coiled and waiting in my chest, needing to be let out, released. I couldn't find the words of other bereaved twin sisters or brothers to bring me comfort, so I created my own.

One day, when I was lost in my sadness, my mom said, "You won't always feel like this. You'll have a family of your own. You'll move on." This seemed impossible in my 23 year-old new mom skin. I couldn't imagine this potential future where I lived a life my brother was no longer apart of.

But very, very slowly, I began putting my life back together. I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and I made the difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship and return home again. As time has gone on I notice my daughter has his love of music and animals and possesses the lighthearted spirit my brother had at the same age and I cant help but smile and think a part of him is in her.

Sometimes adult siblings aren't able to close the distance between them, all those shared experiences and time and space and relationships matter. They tether us, they twine our stories together. I pray that my children will one day remain close as they grow, and that they enjoy a long lifetime together and never take eachother for granted.

After nearly 9 years, the sharp shock and grief I felt in those early months and years are no longer constant but only come back in waves, especially around his angelversary or our birthday. It's hard to explain to people the survivors guilt I feel and the PTSD I acquired from watching him struggle to pass away after being taken off life support. It's hard to explain to people that the week of his death never gets easier to face and I tend to shut down and shut people out because I dont want to be a burden. I distance myself so my sadness doesnt spill into their lives.

Its taken 9 years for the pain to dull and for the words "your brother is dead" to stop pounding in my head -- but they did. Trevors absence is mostly a dull hurt, the ghost of an old broken bone that aches when it rains. I feel it more on holidays and anniversaries, when someone else close to me dies. Or when something funny happens and I go to text him and realize I cant. Because Hes gone.

I'll always wish he was still here. I'll always wonder what he would look like and what he'd be doing if he was still alive -- at almost 32, At 50. At 75. Who would he be today? Would he have gotten sober and started a family? Would his music career had taken off?

So with no other choice I continue on. Perhaps I am even strong, like those well-meaning mourners at my brother's memorial asked me to be. But my brother's loss will remain with me for my whole life -- just like he was supposed to.

I wish I knew how to explain to the people I love that the distance I create during anniversaries is done so they are not effected by my overwhelming sadness. I create distance because even after 9 years I am still learning how to cope and handle my grief and sometimes its easier to do alone so that theres no pressure to feel like you have to be happy and in a way continue healing.

I'm incredibly blessed with an amazing boyfriend who is patient and kind and incredibly handsome and perfect in every way. He has been incredibly understanding and supportive despite the distance I have placed between us lately and that's how I know hes who I am going to spend the rest of my life with if he'll let me.

I will forever be thankful for the time I had with my brother and the lessons he taught me but time doesn't heal all wounds and I am just finding ways to get by.

[15001700tt]

Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self

well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.

i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.

my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.

now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.

if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.

i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.

one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.

as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.

my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.

but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.

funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.

i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.

i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.

considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.

a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.

he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.

i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.

i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.

i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.

he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.

and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?

hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?

forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.

i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.

i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.

but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...

[tearfulsolace]

A few thoughts here:

I believe trent has one of 2 ways of thinking

1) he put so much work into this tool (its mentioned in the letters from Yezas basement that trents students had been tested in dunomancy) that he locked it up for further work later. Why waste the effort? And caleb doesnt remember the asylum, for all we know trent was still experimenting on him in there.

2) kill him because hes a waste of space.

Well we know 2 didn't happen because *points at fire hobo*

However. A few things people rarely consider.

1) if caleb killed an asylum guard, who was this nobody to have the ANTI SCRYING NECKLACE? why would a regular guard have that? What if: the guard was either one of trents men watching Bren, or what if he was a scourger (ive briefly thought it could be wulf, that caleb killed in his panic without realizing who it was, and still doesn't), or what if Trent was responsible for the cleric that healed Bren and allowed Bren to escape. (Meaning it was all a set up to see what Bren could accomplish on his own.) ((Also meaning it might not be an anti crying necklace and trent might be watching all the time!!!))

2) how do we know Caleb is telling the truth about his past? He was never put under Zone of Truth. He has a super secret journal, that he was more willing to hand over his SPELL BOOK then let Wacco see the journal. What is in that journal Caleb?! Huh?? Meaning Caleb could be working for Trent this whole time. What are scourgers? Highly secretive, highly capable ghosts. They blend in. They disapear. For all we know he IS a scourger, a sleeper cell if you may. Given permission to do anything for information. (Including doing a few things to help the enemy if it means securing valuable info.)

3) ok. Maybe sleeper cell Caleb is a reach (but not impossible). It still leaves a lot of questions. Even if everything hes said so far is truth, and even if Trent isnt watching. Caleb has secrets. He still has the above mentioned journal. He has yet to show his true skills as an interrogator, assassin, or inquisitor. Sure he has his CHA16 but he really has only used it to intimidate. But as a secret assassin, he also has the ability to persuade. He can be smooth as the molasses he uses in his spells, but we have yet to see it. Why? Caleb is smart enough to know that you catch more bees with honey then vinigar.

4) this last one is really just random thoughts but.... For a long while, like all the way through the pirate arc, up until he told them about Bren, I was a little worried that Caleb was manipulating m9. Before the scourger thing was revieled we still knew he had been trained as a tool for the empire and most of us assumed that included manipulation and deceit. I was very worried he had been using m9, maybe including nott. Then the beacon happened, and the talk with Beau "i need you to be my friend...." Happened and i started believing he actually cared. But at the same time, I personally know what humans are capable of. I also know Liam plays the long game. So we have no real way to know until the end game. (Or jester ZoT him....)

Also @weaver-of-worlds pointed out what if its all a false memory? Someone cast restoration jic

i have some rambly, incoherent Thoughts regarding the soltryce letter, trent ikithon, the blumentrio, and how possible it is that marion lavorre (it’s lavorre, i refuse to start spelling it lavore, matthew mercer is wrong) is going to be in danger because of caleb’s past.

first of all: i honestly do not understand why trent ikithon would have been content with leaving bren in an asylum instead of outright killing him. what’s the catch? 

if ikithon was cold, cruel, and calculating, he would have terminated a failed-beyond-repair experiment. instead he stuck bren in an asylum–why? 

come to think of it, i don’t recall caleb ever saying that he renounced the empire and attacked ikithon or whatever. he just. snapped. he stopped functioning. did ikithon stick him in an asylum to see if bren.exe would start responding? why did he do that?

could it be possible that ikithon just. forgot about him? and that when the final confrontation comes, the m9 roll up at level 20 and caleb goes, “you made me kill my parents. prepare to die.”

“i’m sorry, i made a lot of people kill their parents. could i have more context, please?”

“my name…is bren aldric ermendrud? you recruited me from blumenthal? after i failed my graduation test you threw me in an asylum??”

“bren. the day you killed your parents must have shaped your life. but for me, it was tuesday.”

what if caleb is wrong, and no one is actively looking for him?

in fact, no one is looking for him, and no one thinks about him…

and so, when jester and nott send the letter, the soltryce academy and the scourgers don’t think, “ah, it’s bren.” instead they go:

“Who on earth is Mrs. Lavorre and how did they get this number???”

it’s akin to that viral post floating around, that person who accidentally called the hotline of the CIA. who is mrs. lavorre and how does she know astrid exists? panic. fear. confusion. but they do not connect it to bren. bren is a non-entity, bren is not a factor in this. 

after all, they said nothing about “i am writing on behalf of astrid’s former friend, bren/caleb.” they just asked how to get in touch with astrid. who no one should know exists.

are they going to connect it to bren? i don’t fucking know. but honestly? probably not. 

instead, they’re going to track down mrs. lavorre. is lavorre a popular name, and is it connected to the ruby of the sea? we can’t answer that, we don’t have enough information.

but say for example astrid does find out who lavorre is, and question marion. do you think they’re going to say “do you know who bren is?” no, i think they’re going to say, “who is mrs. lavorre, esquire, and how do they know who i am?”

“mrs…lavorre? is me? and i have no idea who you are?”

whether marion will break and confess that she has a daughter named jester is up in the air, i have no idea. but even if she does, jester reportedly committed suicide on the docks of nicodranas. then they fucked off to go sailing. after that, where does the trail pick up? they went to alfield, where they said hello to bryce. they went to felderwin. they sent luc to alfield.

okay, they sent luc to alfield. they question luc and old edith. but what can they say? “oh, his dad is yeza brenatto and his mom is veth, but she’s gone.” you think those people are going to unscramble “veth brenatto” and find out it equals “nott the brave”? who even is nott the brave?

say they track to felderwin. say they find out about the tunnel to xhorhas.

then what?

is the beacon returning common knowledge? are the hopebringers of the dynasty known in rosohna? can the scourgers sneak in spies and find out who the hopebringers are???

honestly? highly unlikely.

what i’m trying to say is: what if it wasn’t caleb’s past and caleb’s pursuers coming to haunt them? what if it was nott’s and jester’s accidental phone call to the director of the CIA that tips the scourgers off?

or even: what if they think the letter was a xhorhasian spy plot to figure out who and what the scourgers are?

[yuissamidare]

aight aight lets do this

zombie au

i wanted??? to develop the side characters more because i love them and they make me super happy when they get on screen and i went to sleep and woke up in the dead of night like. Ah. I Know.

the gist was dekapan creates a virus that mimics those weird wasp things that inject venom in caterpillars and wasps and leave them zombie-fied until they end up sacrificing themselves for the wasps babies. it works like my theory for gakkou gurashi and idk the zombies should follow their everyday routine expect that they also kill people. i’ve scrapped that idea and like, recreated how the zombies work but shhhh this part is a Super Secret.

he’s having trouble with money and! he loves science! he loves messing up and starting over and finding that one xyz fit that makes everything click how he wants to! but that costs money, and it’s money he doesnt have, so? he calls a kid he used to babysit and get along with for some help. hatabou gets him a job with a sketchy government probably trying to cure the common cold or make it impossible to burn your skin in the sun or something so of course he does the work given to him, because money is money, but the moment it gets on tv and is announced to the world dekapan calls everyone like 'hey guys dont take the vaccine something fuckys going on' and then the zombie outbreak starts and everyone gets split up and they find each other eventually after Bad Things and everyone gets fucked up about it.

people who we dont get to see pair up find each other and begrudgingly work together.

jyushimatsu and todomatsu are w matsuyo!! she has them go on a trip to the mall with her, and it’s very densely packed and a trains ride from home  (jyushimatsus here to carry bags and todomatsus here bc oohhh a mall far away). the outbreak happens while theyre in the mall, and momma and todomatsu get separated from jyushimatsu for a little while -- they do find him again, and momma decks a zombie in the face. todomatsu cries. if i were to write this, i’d focus like??? 2 - 3 chapters focusing on them being in the mall, finding a group of other survivors, and then leaving the group. depending on length and my Stamina which is. not good.

next group is totoko and karamatsu!!! and. its not because of.... anything. but totoko!! if anything is really strong and i can see her carrying an iron will and inspiring other people to follow he lead and! i like the dynamic they had with that like One Interaction. idk the beginning all too well?? like how they meet up and stick together, but i have everything after that pretty clear in my head. this would be??? the second arc of the story maybe? it take a while for them to actually get along and things go Bad in the start because ahaha karamatsu is a Fuck Up, and after that karamatsu just stops trying to talk to her and just trails behind while totoko vehemently refuses to let him help her with anything. and i actually?? dont wanna say too much about this because. ITS SURPRISE. but after they start getting along karamatsu gives her a fishbone braid, and she talks about missing her brother and they do some Feelings Talk.

idk what the fuck to do with osomatsu, ichimatsu, and choromatsu??? someones learning medicine and surgery from dekapan, someones getting yelled at by chibita while hatabou mediates, and someone starts stealing things with iyami and then starts crying in the back of his van after a close call, but idk who because they all keep flip flopping positions in my head. like, at first ichimatsu was getting yelled at, but then i put him with iyami, but then im like ‘ohhh doctor ichimatsu’. then osomatsu was with chibita n hatabou, then i was like ‘but oh he and iyami have a great dyamic’. and choromatsu was with dekapan at first bt then i was :/ with that and put him with chibita. those three are hecking me up idk what to do.

paranormal investigators

 We Are All Dependant On Our Brothers

the matsuno bros start up a ghost bustin company thats set up in a run down project and they’re all crowed up in a shitty apartment funded by hatabou and todomatsus part time job with equipment provided by dekapan because after high school it was decided that ‘shit lets hunt some ghost’ and everyone was like ‘yea sure.’

it was spawned by a dream i had where choromatsu and karamatsu are on a case and choros like 'k we gotta distract the ghost' and karas like 'got it' and while choros doing. whatever. karamatsu comes out in a bathrobe and sashays like 'ooh noo ;)) i sure hope no ghosts are going to get me while im naked and vulnerable ;)))' and choros like. 'who gave you permission to be such garbage.' and. oh. he did. 

and then later in the day a stray thought where osomatsu and karamatsu got confronted by a ghost thats like ‘ICHIMATSU MATSUNO!!! YOU, MY ENEMY WHOVE IVE TRACED DOWN FROM BARBADOS TO THE ARAN ISLANDS TO-’ then osomatsu cuts him off like ‘bro we arent ichimatsu’ and the three of them stare at each other for ten minutes before karamatsu offers to call him for the ghost and the ghost is like ‘!!!! could you?? i mean, im still damning you both to hell but’ and then ichimatsu picks up the phone, and as soon as the ghost starts talking he expels it in 0.0000000000000000000000001 seconds.

superheros

the brothers are b-rate superheros who end up in the newspapers sometimes. iyami and chibitas That Dude who ends up in hostage situations all the time and begrudgingly drive them home and make sure they eat even though they claims to hate them. its actually.... based of the storyline for my ocs so i wont actually talk about that again. nnu9mubvufe8n.

again, they live in a shit ass project but they live right next door to each other instead of crowding in One Apartment, its two with three each. they are all actively looking for day jobs because while the government pays well they struggle being adults. but this time adults with superpowers.

rpg/video game

like. back in the naru.to fandom there was a point where video game aus were really popular, like the whole grinding/gaining stats/unlocking new areas thing n all that and it surprisingly worked really well when written right?. so i was thinking about that and spacing out and i was like Oh Fuck. so this au got birthed. osomatsus the king, karas the knight, jyushi is a prince who gets kidnapped, ichis prince #2, choromatsus a wandering mage, n todos the royal advisor. 

jyushimatsu gets kidnapped in the dead of night, and osomatsus like ‘what the flying fuck karamatsu get over here lets go get him back.’ so they leave, and have ichimatsu look after the kingdom for him. hes like 'wait what please im' and is thrust into power anyways. he and todomatsu are surprisingly competent leaders and the kingdom does really good under him, even better than with osomatsu?? though he locked himself in his room for the first week and todomatsu just kept banging on the door OPEN UP YOU FUCK YOU HAVE PAPERWORK. and its an insanely huge amount because osomatsu keeps putting it off unless someone watches him and he does all the stuff like funding the armies and expanding territories before stuff like regulating taxes and funding schools and hospitals.

jyushimatsu escapes on his own after a day n is like HMMMM HOW TO GET HOME..... but then he enters a little run down village and meets homura and falls In Love and they spend time together and he eventually just forgets to come home because hes so happy with her

meanwhile with the idiot eldest duo. karamatsu doesnt know how to fucking.... spend money so when they meet choromatsu whos like the stop n shop npc he gives him all the money he has for an enchanted pair of ankle warmers that he could put his face on and that can react to his emotions. osomatsus like ‘what the entire fuck bro’ and goes to get their money back, but then ends up spending all his money on a charm thatll increase his gambling luck.

‘we’ve been bamboozled, my dearest king. our money taken right before our eyes as a miser deceived us and robbed us of everything we’re worth,’ ‘wanna beat him up, karamatsu?’ ‘of course i do.’

choromatsus like ????? wtf its not my fault you two dont know how to spend money. but they fight, and osomatsus like ‘join our party!!’ and they take a few days to convince him but he does join and he and osomatsu hit it off really well, and osomatsu decided after everything, hes going to adopt choromatsu. 

(’but we’re the same age, my king’ karamatsu says in response to his proposal. 

‘FINE, then ill get mom to adopt him, geez.’ 

then they meet chibita and n chibita and karamatsus like ‘if youre taking choromatsu, im taking chibita in if he says yes’ and osomatsus like ‘ask mom first’)

the three of them go to the place jyushimatsu was taken to, beat everyone up, and then realize he isnt there. so they just. dejectedly walk into a nearby village for rest and chibita gives them free beer.

they meet jyshimatsu an hour later on a date with homura and yes. they decide to adopt her as a sister too. (is someone marrying into your family considered adoption?? idk but everyones family now, no excuses.)

royalty/split at birth

i hate angst i just wish everyone could be happy, i say as i look through my notebook with angsty plot points as i reference my life.

the gist is: the cold color trio living in slums rather than a palace but then oso finds out OH SHIT WE HAVE MORE BROTHERS WE GO GET THEM and everyones stressed the fuck out

as soon as osomatsu finds out he has troops scour the kingdom for the them, with the directions ‘there are three more people with my face, go get em’ and he sends troops out. to everyone outside the castle this is a very ?????!!!!!!!!!! thing???because the royal family has solidified themselves as Bad Selfish people who tax unfairly and dont care about the poor. like, the rich people are all like oh! i wonder what the royal family is planning theyre so good to our kingdom ha ha! while the poor people are freaking the fuck out.

the cold colors only get a brief warning about the troops coming and the first thing ichimatsu does when he hears this is go and break all the fancy plates and choromatsus like ‘wtf are you doing!!!’ and ichimatsu just looks at him like ‘i love and respect my family so im doing what i need to’ and karamatsu takes that as his cue to take his mothers valuables and hide them under the floorboards and in the walls where the stucco breaks away and choromatsu writes a note to their mom Just In Case.

they actually do get taken and theyre fucking shocked. like, instead of the royals taking everyones valuables like they expected, theyre taking them??? and the troops are no help theyre just like ‘kay go take two sets of coats and three sets of day wear’ and they have them leave straight away.

an abrupt abduction is gonna stir up shit in the village especially if they only take the boys and leave their parents and friends. imagine how paranoid they'll be. ‘oh no what if im going next' 'i hear that theyre taking our boys now and selling them off to foreign labor' 'theyre taking our children as punishment for not being able to afford tax' ‘i heard things breaking in their home what if they got taken away for resisting’

imagine all the drama and discomfort theyll feel when they see the other bros living in the lap of luxury why their friends and family suffer like :)))

its frustrating and tense for everyone because osomatsu expected them to integrate without issue. jyushimatsu doesnt understand why they get so mad at him and refuse to be his friend. todomatsu doesnt understand why all these poor people are a problem. as long as youre happy and healthy it's fine! theres no need to concern yourself with what doesnt directly affect you. if you dont see it its not happening so its best to ignore it.

ballet

osomatsu does ballet again and is happy and has found something he loves and enjoys and everyone supports him. basically, he starts feeling nostalgic and then starts watching youtube videos and goes ‘haha pah! i can do that’ and then he realizes ‘holy shit this is something i wanna spend the rest of my life doing’

sophie even wrote a fic about it and its great and every time i read it my heart pounds ten thousand times a second and i start smiling so hard my cheeks hurt.

detectives

jyushimatsu’s an overworked forensic scientist, choromatsu’s an exasperated detective, osomatsus is watson, todomatsu’s head of the branch, and ???? ichimatsu where are you??

karamatsu’s fucking dead but he aint important.

they solve mysteries n do detective stuff.

theres also another au thats like platonic soulmate thing but eh 

[glorifiedmagehand-blog]

GIANT HEADCANON POST

     Under a read more cause there’s a lot here.

Vincent has made some unsavory deals with people while he was alive. Associating with the black market, as well as with hags and other supernatural creatures, and things of the like, none of them know who he actually is. Except for 1. There is a hag that he had to ask help from, and that cost him a lot. Now he owes them a favor, and he is constantly fearful of them saying he is the serial killer. By that same token though, it would be easy to shrug it off as trying to create discourse. That being said, he still owes them a favor, and he thinks about that all the time. He hates owing people anything. 

Vincent doesnt have a single musical bone in his body, and yet he absolutely adores listening to it. Particularly anything with a swing like beat to it.

If you are friends with him, you had better expect him to force you to hold candy for him.

Vincent, while with Riddick ( @lususncturce) in his own castle, he is contained within the castle so he doesn't go on murder rampages. However he easily tricks people's into letting him out.

He will lay on the ground in the middle of the hallway and make people walk around him

everyone, scared of the ghost serial killer evil mother fucker Maku (One of his captors/Uber powerful lich) & crew: vincent get off the fucking floor

He was a guard in life, and despite what his hobby was he did have an actual life. He had a wife and a child. The child had some problems like him, but they were no where as bad as his are or were in his life. He still watches over her sometimes when he can. While he was alive, he was dead set on not letting her learn about him.

Vincent has one of the worst sweet tooths ever. No matter where he is, if he spends more than 2 days there, it is a guarantee that he has hidden around the place. It is literally impossible to find them all, and he will eat the candy randomly.

Vincent, in life and death, suffers from hallucinations. Involving the things he sees. He sees a multitude of things. He sees shadow people, as well as the people he has killed, and things of that sort. Most of the time, he completely ignores them. He has slowly been able to tell what is an illusion of the mind and what is real. He also will hear whispering, though the 2 never seem to sync up. I.E.: Whispering won’t match the mouths of what he sees. However, when things are making him act oddly (like being overly emotional in either sadness or rage/ blood lust) the hallucinations change. In the bloodlust, he sees and hears nothing but what actually exists, and in a saddened emotional state he is unable to tell what is real and what isn’t.

for a while Vince kinda thought that the percival he saw was like encouraging right after his death, like the one he saw by the graveside, but then slowly his mind contorted it into this watchful eye of his only regret and mistake in life. because only after it all happened did he remember that he could have blamed someone else. so all memories he simply sees as like, bad ones for the longest time. so he never mentions his friend. to anyone. even when he was being interrogated and questioned about relationships. even after all the years he was as a ghost. He tried to erase percival from his mind cause- well what else would he do? he doesn’t know how to cope with shit

On his death day and birthday, he is in his regular mood. On his friend’s death day, Vincent seems to get oddly quiet. Detached from everything, he usually is by himself, floating around a room, and occasionally looking into the corner to see if the illusion of percival is staring at him. It usually is, along with other… unkind gestures and mouthed words.

he dislikes the sun, and it usually would give him a headache in life. This was because he actually had somewhat bad eyes, and the brightness from the sun was overwhelming. In death, it’s just the like, fact he got so used to it it still happens

Vincent is Incoporeal unless he wants to manifest. The only time this is negated is when he is caught off guard by something flying at him. That will usually hit him. It’s because he doesn’t have enough time to think about it, and he is so used to things hitting him. Surprising by punching, or anything other than throwing something at him just passes through him.

he used to be the guard for a port town before he was caught. He was the guard who trained the others. After he died, he met a powerful necromancer/lich and ‘became friends’ with him. This is where he gets the nickname overglorified mage hand. 

Vincent can be easily calmed down with music.

Vincent has only ever cried 3 times in his life.

incent doesn’t think he feels pain normally, but instead just misinterprets it. He doesn’t find it enjoyable, but certainly doesn’t describe it as what most would say pain is. No matter what the pain it, he will only ever describe it as a mild discomfort. This was something he learned to lie about quickly so that people didn’t notice.

For his killings, he would always show his face to the last one, so that they knew it was someone that should have been trusted killing them.

He would technically be called an ‘anarchist’, however he simply finds the government useless and a problem. he has no intentions to completely disrupt it, but he knows thats a possibility from his actions.

Percival was the one that helped him figure out the major and minor differences his way of thinking contained when compared to a ‘normal person’ however, Vincent could never understand how this worked seeing as he couldn’t comprehend someone so ‘good’ being friends with someone so ‘bad’

Vincent has no idea where anything goes when he eats it. No one does.

His remains are in a location where even he doesn’t know. He simply doesn’t know what happened to his body when he was caught and after he was executed.

being caught and those few hours/days was the only time that people were aware of how he really was

Vincent can play the piano and cello

Vincent is afraid of needles and Warforged

If he were to encounter the ghost of someone he has killed, I honestly think Vincent would be so pleased and excited, even if they wanted to kill him.

Vincent isn’t really sure what love is. Platonic or otherwise. The only friendship he’s had was with Percival (at least that is the only relationship he will grace with the word friendship) and even then it a rather hesitant statement considering he ended up being the reason his friend died

vincent actually has a pretty foul mouth when in a good mood, the more random cusses he throws into his speech the happier he is. Granted if he’s yelling then he’s not happy. but general rule of thumb if he says bite my ass rather than go away, hes not upset

since he is not tied to the world with a purpose, or was made like most other ghosts, getting rid of him is extremely hard. many people have tried

vincent doesn’t need to sleep, but he feels like he does. this is simply a like condition about him since he slept in life, and while he could be told he doesn’t need sleep, he still feels like he does.

he usually has nightmares, but will never call them that. in fact what would be night terrors and nightmares to most are his normal and even pleasant dreams

vincent loves to learn, but he hates being talked down to.

vincent doesn’t really see physical characteristics about a person, rather focuses on their voice and movements that they make.

vincent will do whatever he pleases, but if you involve candy there is a high possibility of getting him to do things you want him to do.

What he lives for most though, is people’s reactions to things, and now that he’s dead, there is a very high likelyhood that he will say and do things to get a rise out of anyone near him.