#ghost wax pip

[noxcorvorum]

Ghost wax season finale spoilers

Ok first of all Charles Baybridge my BELOATHED.

Also ep 41 intro confirmed to be Charlie and the cypher(? Or is it the vile observer)

i think pip calling Luca her little brother as they're both injured broke me. I don't think I can come back from that. Also Luca realizing Charlie betrayed all of them.

Also new incantation moment, body and blood, twist and roar, what once there was will be once more. (Poor Charlie. 𝘕𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴.)

And then Owen desperately trying not to lose Azem and even being willing to sacrifice the world to keep his memory alive. And Azem telling Owen to let him go, to use his essence as fuel to be able to save the rest of the people he loves. And Owen trying to bargain with Charlie for just five more minutes even as he apologizes for not being able to save him, just so that he can let Azem go instead of reflexively consuming him as Charlie kills him. Augh

Also ghost bee supremacy, neat little way to get rid of our villain

In conclusion: ACK. I need to relisten and also recommend it to all my friends

[ghosteso]

Pip: Surgery is basically just stabbing someone to life.

Voncid: Please never become a surgeon.

[captainxandis]

Have finally caught up to all the episodes of Ghost Wax and honestly I am shaking the podcast around like a rabid animal

[unfortunatelyevent]

I've only had phillipa james for 29 episodes but if anything happens to her I'll kill everyone in this room and then myself

[moosha-mushroom]

They are the uncle and auntie of the Ardent.

[azure-wings]

Trying to be very normal at work about the part 1 season finale of Ghost Wax but if Voncid is really dead and Pip can’t be saved I’m burning everything to the ground

[boombox-fuckboy]

Anticipated Q&A:

Q. Where's Doug and Hera (Wolf 359)?

A. We both know that wouldn't be fair. Too powerful.

Q. What about [] and [] (The Magnus Archives)?

A. TMA is too powerful for poll inclusion. Also there's too many potential options without any that stand out, you know?

Q. In previous versions you included Clara and Dan (Archive 81). Why not this one?

A. I wanted to, but after they actually did this with Dan and Melody? Mm.

Q. I think you're missing someone else important!

A. Oh? Tell me who!

Q. I don't know any of these!

A. Pick one and go listen!

Q. But what if I ship them romantically?

A. The purpose of this poll is not to criticize. I am simply an enjoyer of friendship and lists.

[skayafair]

Ghost Wax relisten notes (spoilers!) Pt.3

Episode 21

Voncid makes his stance crystal clear here:

"If they end themselves, that’s their business, but I won’t see them devoured from without."

Also, he seems to no longer consider himself one of the glorious (?) - or of the entities from the other side, anyway:

"I know your kind well enough to know that truth is always hidden among your rantings."

This is interesting. He know what and who he is, he doesn't want to go back to the way he used to be, but it's strange to me that he seems to separate his current self from the past one entirely while technically still being the same entity. You can change your personality and even a few outer features maybe, and that's powerful, but you're still the same being, the same kind. Why the divide? It's just hiding from the truth.

All above being said, the otherworldly entities have a recurring critique of the Order. So I think they may have a point:

"Eater: Typical Hamsa. Think you know what’s best for them, respecting them only as far as it is convenient."

The Order... didn't do many unethical things so far, morally conflicting at most, like with the Shaper girl. But we've been given just glimpses, we don't have the full picture. Voncid clearly is an odd one out with his bleeding heart, the rest seem to be more practical and cinical even when they don't enjoy it.

An extra note: I fucking love it when Voncid goes ballistic. The way he told off the Eater and then that man... Simmons? Pip your adopted scary grandpa is so damn cool.

Ahhh. Delicious 💜

[judgybitch]

Podcast: Ghost Wax

Episode Count: 49 (45 numbered episodes, 1 episode that's not numbered, 2 episodes that seem to be part of a patreon series, and 2 Q&A's, I have not subscribed to the patreon)

Last update: Season 1 finished on Halloween and the the last Q&A followed soon after. The most recent update to the podcast in general was on December 6th to notify listeners of a kickstarter for a kickstarter from the creator that is unrelated to the podcast.

Brief synopsis taken directly from apple podcasts is: Ghost Wax is a horror fiction podcast following the work of the last "reclaimer", investigating a series of unnatural killings by raising the dead and committing their final statements to wax cylinder. The synopsis from their official squarespace website though is: Ghost Wax is a Fantasy Horror Podcast: Owen Voncid is the last Reclaimer. The last person able to wake the dead and hear their tales. To combat the darkness of the realms beyond, even the black art of necromancy is a line worth crossing.

I'm personally not sure why the synopsis is different across platforms and am unsure if there are any further changes on other locations but this does kind of annoy me. Not enough to change my rating, but enough to make me side eye the creators a bit.

Star Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

TL;DR: Even with the length of the show, I'd love to recommend it to people, but I can't without caveats. And most of those caveats have nothing to do with the script writing, sound design, the voice acting, or even the character design. My worries are for its worldbuilding, which is already at a level where I'm worried about them being able to maintain it as time goes on, and I am deeply concerned that this show isn't exactly accessible. Most don't have trigger warnings which can be okay since it's a horror show so approach with caution, but there's also a severe lack of transcripts available on their website. Less than half have them in fact. So there's a group of people I would recommend this to, but many where I can't.

Full review after read more.

Ghost Wax was another horror podcast that I went into knowing literally nothing about it. The cover art intrigued me, as did the first episode I was recommended by another podcast. And instantly I was intrigued. The idea of creating something that gives the dead a way to tell their last moments isn't new, it's something people have been dreaming up in fiction and searching for in real life for an extremely long time. Some versions of this fictionalized idea can be grotesque, dragging a long suffering soul from a pit of despair just to wring out their last moments for something unseemly, or they can go the Ghost Wax route.

Voncid, despite being a curmudgeonly creature (and I do mean creature in a more literal sense since while I don't fully understand what he is, he's not 'human'), is compassionate to the dead. He cares extremely deeply about the dead's comfort and how they feel. He wants answers about how they died, but he also wants them to know they can tell their story at their own pace. Combine that with a warm old man voice and you've got a recipe for moments that can be achingly beautiful amidst the horrors around them.

And so despite having no skin in the game going in, I ended up feeling extremely excited about the show just within a few episodes. I wanted to know more about Voncid, Luca, Pip, Charlie, and Jinx the cat. I cared about how they were doing and I looked forward to each new story from the deceased. That's not to say every episode was a banger. V.ideo H.orror S.tory has kind of a goofy ending for my taste. Not enough to make it bad, but enough to make it nowhere near my favorite episode. Hilariously enough though, according to the Q&A part 2, an episode a lot of people hated was The Final Countdown. And honestly, I know this is gonna sound ridiculous, but I think the campiness of the episode actually works with the premise of a traveling New Year's party that consumes its guests to be in an eternal party.

The reason I believe the episodes mostly work is a credit to the writers, the soundscaping, and the performers. The writing usually had a good flow to it and when there needed to be strong characterization, there would be. Parts of their personality and aspects of who they are, including their queerness, feel seemlessly woven in instead of an afterthought or a case of tokenism. This is both because of the main writer and the performers (who I believe are either predominantly or entirely queer) treating their characters like avatars that they could fiddle with and make into whole people. Even Jinx the cat feels like it has a tangible personality within the story. We get enough of the characters, actually, that most are going to pick up on Charlie's duplicitous nature at some point before the reveal when he finally turns on the others.

This isn't a failing of the show though. I love the dramatic irony and I love that people had different moments where they realized he was the traitor. My moment was how he treated the more gruesome aspects of the Ardent, as if they were toys he could play with instead of aspects to be treated seriously. Others just thought he was too damn chipper, which is also valid. He was extremely chipper.

The other characters not picking up on it though, despite being shown to the audience in a myriad of ways, doesn't ring false. After all, there's been dozens of murders and their lives have been overturned and they just have their own shit going on. So it's understandable when Voncid and Pip do not pick up on anything beyond 'Charlie's a little weird, oh well, got shit to do today', because really, that's kind of like how most of us are in situations like that. Hindsight and being on the outside looking in are two powerful tools in noticing duplicity.

The soundscape especially adds to all of this to create moments that range from intensely creepy to hilarious to truly fucking heartbreaking. Voncid unleashing untold horror because he doesn't want to let go of his lover's soul, and that lover reminding him that this isn't the way he's supposed to be, did actually make me sob at my desk. I could feel the ache of hundreds of years, that desperation to keep that last bit of someone so precious. I could hear the betrayal in Pip's voice after Charlie takes her eyes. I could feel the cold dread in the soundscaping of In the Snow. These moments all stuck with me and I truly adored them.

That being said, I must be honest and say there was exactly 1 moment in the show that has stuck to me as a 'you should have probably redone that', and that's unfortunately in the season finale part 2. In that episode, Charlie has turned on everyone and caused absolute mayhem and destruction in the Ardent. And because of this, we get a lot of named and unnamed characters dying in the episode. Like a lot. A lot. And so we get a lot of screams in the background. Some of those screams are funny. Like as in they come across less 'horrifying death wail' and more 'wilhelm scream'. Also, while I like the episode The Final Countdown and am fine with the voice actress doing an annoying drunk girl voice since she is an annoying drunk girl, it's very obviously not a performance everyone's going to adore.

Having that few negative moments in a 46 episode season with dozens of voiced characters involved though is, in itself, an achievement. I know shows with a small percentage of that and they've failed way more. There were times though, especially when I had to take breaks in listening due to personal issues, that it became hard to differentiate between the the extended cast and to remember who everyone was. It wasn't egregious enough for me to deduct a ton from my rating, but it is something to keep an eye on. An easy way they could have helped this out is transcripts.

There was no commentary on it in either Q&A, so I have no way of knowing but the missing transcripts are something they intend to fix as time goes on or if that's dead in the water, but currently less than half of the episodes have transcripts on their squarespace website. That's a problem for me, both in terms of consistency but also accessibility. I know plenty of people who require transcripts. I myself have trouble with audio sometimes and have to double check what I heard against a written version, which is why subtitles are always on in my household. So right off the back, not doing this means I can't recommend this show to some people I know. There not being trigger warnings consistently on episodes is also an issue, but not nearly as bad as the transcripts is for me. Especially because I think it will hinder them in the future with how big the story is.

This world is huge. The creators themselves have stated both out of character and through Voncid that everything is real in this world. Everything. And while that's fun and it's okay that not everything gets answered in season one since that's typically how season 1 of any show works, I am truly worried about the future. While these writers are good, they are running a real risk of making it both hard to write and hard to follow with how much is in there. Transcripts of every episode would at least help the audience refer back to things a bit easier as well as follow along with the number of characters involved. At the end of the day though, the writers just have to pinky promise me they won't pull a George R R Martin and fall off the face of the earth with their main project because tying together 32893472 loose threads is actually a bitch and a half to do.

I'm giving this show 4 stars out of 5 stars as it currently is. I'm extremely worried about the future of this podcast, but am also excited to see where it goes. Hopefully they get better about making it a little easier to tell extended cast apart, do better about death screams, and are better about accessibility in general. And I really struggled with if those reasons should rank this a 3.5, but at the end of the day, I really loved the characters, the main performances, and the hidden world yet to come. I looked forward to every single episode. And I'm terrified of Dottie Jean Barlowe and her weird taxidermy henchmen. If I don't review season 2, it's because it either never came out or because she thought I was a judgy bitch and killed me for my skin. Both seem like really sad options.

[stained-glass-cicada]

Okay so I'm not gonna be a plague upon this tag by making a proper bracket but this question must be answered in these fandom days so let's make this simple

Just grabbed the nearest handful of characters with multiple appearances but if it's someone else put it in the tags

[kynky]

I was thinking about those Ipod shuffle posts we all did back in the day..

It was easy enough to do when you had everything on iTunes or just one massive library but nowadays with streaming and physical it's not quite the same.

But using Spotifysy to scan my last.fm history (from physical listens and digital scrobbles) I've been able to get a decent enough fairly complete yearly record of my listening habits in one playlist.

I've made a playlist for 2008 through to 2014, given how many songs are on each it made sense to split them per year. I'll only be allowing 1 entry per artist, so duplicates will be skipped.

Shuffling 2008, the first 10 songs are:

Basement Jaxx - Do Your Thing

Lacuna Coil - Fragments Of Faith

Ladytron - Deep Blue

The Jam - Boy About Town

The Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It?

Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous

Finger Eleven - Change The World

Girl Talk - Warm It Up

Rage Against The Machine - People Of The Sun

Alphabeat - Touch Me Touching You

2008 was the final year I relied on iTunes as I signed up to Spotify the following year, I still used iTunes for bootlegs and tracks not licensed to Spotify, which was a lot back then.

For 2009:

Bizzy B - Jah Works

The Bloody Beetroots - Theolonius

Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip - Angles

Telepopmusik - Ghost Girl

Fun Lovin Criminals - Loco

Krust - Follow Da Vision

Atari Teenage Riot - Too Dead For Me

Rihanna - SOS

D.I.M. - Sysiphos

Nine Inch Nails - Right Where It Belongs

For 2010:

Jakwob - Scare The Snare

DJ Complex - Delicate State

Korpiklaani - Juodaan Viinaa

Calvin Harris - Neon Rocks

Michael Giacchino - End Credits Can Suck It!

God Is An Astronaut - Golden Sky

Nymfo - Proton Pack

The Cure - Lovecats

New Order - True Faith '94

Mampi Swift - Mr Elastic

For 2011:

Terrorvison - Tequila (Mint Royale Shot)

Rob Zombie - What? (Naughty Cheerleader Mix)

Joker - Tron

DLX - Operation Room

Pinch - One Blood, One Source (Distance Remix)

Toro y Moi - Intro/Chi Chi

Java - Yard Manz

Stratovarius - The Game Never Ends

Disonata - Bazooko's Circus

Badly Drawn Boy - Something To Talk About

For 2012:

Scuba - Cognitive Dissonance

Mansun - Wide Open Space (Perfecto Mix)

Clark - The Pining pt2

The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm

Wonkap - Total Destruction

Super Power Club - Paparazzi

Rustie - Flash Back

Kissy Sell Out - Turn It On (Instrumental)

GRiZ - Wax City

Hulk - Watch Em Burn

For 2013:

Danny Byrd - Grit

Machinedrum - Jelly Jelly

Sub Focus - Out The Blue

Jagwar Ma - Come Save Me (Andrew Weatherall Remix)

Grim - Playground

Maduk - Feel Good

Celldweller - Hemlock Drone Attack

Mutated Forms - Wastegash (The Upbeats Remix)

Drop Goblin - The Gate

Tin Tin Out - All I Wanna Do

For 2014:

Maztek - Interlude

Bowsar - External Memory

The Algorithm - synthesiz3r

Trolley Snatcha - End Of The Earth

Michal Menert - So Alone

Felix Cartal - Who Even Am I

Ballkansky - Tomorrow

Jacob Plant - Radar

DJ Hype - Dreams

Hugo - 99 Problems

Only 1 artist was a duplicate (Girl Talk) and was skipped and only 1 appears in my Last.fm top 20 (Sub Focus).

I haven't made any other lists as of yet as I'm enjoying going back through these, a lot of the songs I've not heard in years, whilst some are dated and I'd probably not listen to now, there are a few I'd totally forgotten about.

Now I don't expect anyone to care about this at all, it was just something to kill an hour and now I've got a 70 track playlist to check out to keep me busy today

[noxcorvorum]

I uh. I just finished ghost wax ep 44. I'm devastated. I need several moments. At least a day actually. Jesus christ.

(spoilers for part 44)

First of all I love the incantations. Iconic. I have all of them written down in Google keep. The empty table. The world's last fable. Dead mortar, bone pestle. Come death to your vessel. Come now, entropy. The spiral of time. Spin, spin fast. And seer and cable. Pen, fog, and fable. Stay within, flat and pinned. Love all of it and I am actively wanting more of them to memorize for enrichment. And now time to go feral over the Happenings.

So I'm kindof unclear on what happened to pip, did she essentially get jonah magnused, as in whatever entity Charles served controls her eyes now? Does she still have control of the rest of her body? Does the entity have control and she's just watching from within or is she essentially dead/incapacitated with the entity puppeting her? Ack augh I really liked the episode where she had the dream thing where the other characters were her friends and family, Luca as her brother, Owen and Azem (AUGH ILL GET TO HIM) as her uncles ("Uncle cid will be delightfully catty," ACK.), and she lied her way out of it even with the incredibly tempting offer of a world she could control where she can have an actual support system, and she gave it all away to protect the same people in the real world. That episode made me much more familiar with her character than I had been, idk what happened while I was listening but I was pretty neutral about her before this episode bc I didn't know her and AUGH she was just trying to help Charlie and he manipulated her away and into getting caught by whatever he serves and AUGH SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHATS HAPPENING WITH OWEN AND LUCA

We also get a lot more Luca lore in the most recent episodes with his childhood and the beginning of whatever's going on with his soul that at one point Owen said his spirit is incomplete? And Owen gives him a replica of the thing he pulled out of his dream 😭 sobbing. Luca my beloved augh is he dead?? I saw a theory that the body Owens hamsa instincts latched onto was his so what's going to happen to them if that's true? Is one of them going to disappear or is it going to be a John and Arthur Malevolent situation or even will they combine like Paul from Nona the ninth? If that is the case I'm leaning towards something between disappearance and a malevolent situation bc Owen seems to have kept what remains of Azem with him all this time, and he cares enough about Luca that I think he'd do his best to not erase him as much as he possibly could. Luca my boy please don't be dead ;_;

Owen my beloved AUGH. ACK. ALDKSJ. Owen you are devastating me. Apologizing to Charlie bc he failed him when from what I understand pretty much nothing Owen could have done for him would have helped him not do this and then pleading for just five to seven more minutes so he can release what's left of Azem and also cause as little damage as he does as possible??? SIR. I AM WEEPING. He's old, so so old, and he's been here for so long and held on to Azem for so long that all he wants is to be able to let him go, to give him this one last thing. He accepts that he's about to die and that he will lose this last connection to his partner so quickly, and he just wants to give that which remains of Azem the best chance he can give him. I think the fact that he was pleading for this long-dead figure that only remains in mere fragments in Owens head at best to be released and not for his own life and continued connection to Azem broke me. I do think that the body he was in for all that time had some significance regarding Azem, maybe it was azems body?? I think it might be more likely it's the body he held when he met and was with Azem though, but also that whatever parts of Azem are left are tethered to that body, and he can't take him with him if he takes a new one, and he's afraid of letting go even when it's to his own detriment, because he starts using the wax recorders when he starts losing memories of reclaiming from the sheer vast amount of them he has in that brain. When he doesn't want to use an observed as bait and someone suggests he use himself instead and he says he can't, and I think the intro to ep 41 has some interesting implications:

A: ["will you- will you"? Could be a name?] please, oh god, ["please don't make me"?] just let it be over, I don't want it I don't want it anymore-

B: shh, come now, come now it's almost over. hush, hush, my love, we believe in you.

A: I can't, please

B: you knew this would not be easy. You know that. you cannot stop now, it is too late.

A: [weakly, as if weeping] please don't make me

B: this is what you chose. It is the right choice. None of this, none of it is real. It's all just a vivid dream. You choose to wake up. Just a few steps further, my love. [Interspersed with noises from A that sound like sobbing] Free yourself. Almost. [sigh? Or a laugh? Possibly "there"?]

I think "A" is Owen and "B" is either some corruption of Azem or something using his countenance and voice. It's too late at night and I kinda forgot what exactly happened in 41 so I can't elaborate exactly why I think this. However perhaps it is related to the thing Charles is serving (the cypher? Unclear to me) possibly attempting to get Owen to give up prematurely, maybe with a dream such as the one pip had but Actively Bad And Worse? It's something, that's for sure. I couldn't understand some of it too so that's probably contributing to my confusion

[ghosteso]

For the purpose of the quiz I’m just doing ones we heard from at least twice/order members.

[captainxandis]

Having so much feelings about Pip and Luka in the s1 finale. Im her "perfect world" they were brother and sister, which was so good on its own. But then!!!! After she lost her sight and his legs were fucked from the explosion, she calls him her little brother and I am yelling about it. She still has her memories from the ciphers world, even if it wasnt real and she knows Luka isnt her brother by blood in the real world, that doesn't matter. To her he's her little brother and always will be and then. Her being his legs while hes her eyes... Im so emotional about it

[unfortunatelyevent]

heard pip's voice for the first time and almost started crying MY GIRL LIVES (for now

so ready to be traumatized today 😃

[spiltscribbles]

Hey! I was bored today, and decided to load up Hamilton and thought about your fics. I read them all, they're so good. Any chance you'll bless the fandom with another Hamliza fic? You do such a good job modernizing their relationship. Please consider writing something new, I'll take a paragraph, hell a sentence! lol. Anyway, love your blog and it's always great to see a post from you!

~Notes: holy fuck baby!!! This is so fucking beautiful and kind and so sweet and I can’t even begin to deal😭😭 You are such a sugarplum fairy and I love u to bits!! And the idea that you like my version of them is so crazy!! Ur an angel! And I’m screaming! I just love Eliza so much😭😭 I hope that you like this even slightly!!!!💜💜😌

.-

A Reblog Is Worth A Galaxy!

.-

Occasionally— when Alexander is a bit tipsy and a bit lonely and feeling lightly poetic— he thinks of the cobble stoned pieces that patch together the mosaic of his life. He remembers his mother’s faint laughter, and he pictures Eliza’s iridescent grin on the day of their  wedding. He alternates reminiscing on the different nights at hospital after the birth of each of his children, how he’d count their tiny fingers and smaller toes while Eliza was slumped besides him— flushed and radiant and so, so miraculous. Though the latter half of that image wasn’t there eleven months ago, when she had given birth to baby Will three weeks after the editorial had been published— finally tipping the precarious state of his world to ruin with a brimstone sort of finality. Three weeks after the affair was made public and the light in her eyes that she had always glimmered with whenever gazing at Alexander, was scuffed away permanently, under the heel of his carelessness and his cruelty and his childish cravings to feel needed by someone— by absolutely anyone. 

And as he rocks in the ornate, elm carved chair that his in-laws had bought for Philip’s nursery over sixteen years ago now— with his youngest son in arms— Alexander thinks that it’s right— that it only makes sense that in the handful of memories that are the cornerstones of his existence, Eliza is in the vast majority of them. Eliza with her quiet but strong resilience. Eliza with her breathtaking, but unassuming beauty. Eliza in how she’s always been the beacon of light— a personified  essence of hope— in the center of the tempest that is his life.  A quiet haven that he’s always depended on like nothing else.

Eliza has always been, and will always be the most vital part of it all, the lifeline that pumps breath to his lungs and blood to his heart and makes Alexander feel like he’s finally standing on solid ground. But he doesn’t get to say that out loud anymore, shouldn’t even think it in the privacy of his own mind. Not after the shattered look in her eyes had been embedded permanently, not after the separation had been officialize, and especially not now, while he’s trying to recall that old, French lullaby that Eliza had always crooned to their children before bed while she’s graciously pretending he’s not here.

It had been a stipulation in the agreement that they scrounged up over half  a year ago now. Alexander has been relegated to the loft they keep in Murray Hill while Eliza and the children remain residing in the estate right outside the city limits— The Grange. But because she’s always been touched by an otherworldly kindness that Alexander has never witnessed in another soul, Eliza told him that mornings before school and dinners before bed are open for him to visit while she finishes the work she has for the non prophet she had helped build. “You don’t get to lose your kids just because it didn’t work out with us Alex— They’re your family and I won’t be the one to take them away from you, not ever.”

When she had said as much, quiet and precise and void of the warm inflections he would always lose himself inside of whenever she spoke— Alexander wanted to absolutely ball. He wanted to fall to his knees right then and beg her not to say that— not to toy with the idea that it was really and truly over between them. He wanted to tell her that he loves her, and he loves her and he’ll always love her no matter what.

But for perhaps the first time in his life, Alex had held his tongue and only thanked her for always being the best of the lot. He was afraid if he spoke his true thoughts out loud he’d make that torn, desperately pained look melt back into her features like those first few weeks after the Twitter trends and media frenzy and poisonous gossip spreading through the circle of blue bloods that Eliza had been the heiress of since birth, and where Alexander had fought tooth and nail to belong. But besides that, he thinks he was mostly terrified that she wouldn’t betray any emotion at all— That she’d stay still and frozen and detached— forever out of his reach all over again.

Alexander’s heart twists up in an ugly, painful sort of way at the memory of that tragic brunch between them, and he physically shakes his head— as if the pictures of that afternoon  could just fall out his ears and disappear into the powder blue curtains like dust.

Gingerly, Alexander kisses Will’s downy hair, and sets him into the crib with a final inhale to get him through the night before coming back tomorrow morning. And while he pads through the hall, he quietly peers into the bedroom of each of his kids. Listens to the hushed snoring from Jamie and Johnny’s room, before he looked into how Angie has swathed herself with pink blankets in her own, finally glancing into Philip and AJ’s at the end of the hall, bracing himself for how his eldest inevitably  tosses him a cursory glance from over his shoulder while he taps away on his new laptop. Philip’s stopped the sneers and the clipped replies after Eliza had scolded him for as much right after the pamphlet’s release, but the ice like overture between them hadn’t lessened, and no matter how much it breaks his heart that his pride and joy doesn’t ever look at him like Alexander is his hero— like he had when he was younger— he’s strangely proud. He’s proud that Philip is steadfast in his loyalty to his mother and has a moral code that Eliza had nurtured in each of them.

“You almost done with that civics paper?” He tries for broke, talking in a hush like he was afraid to spook him.

Philip’s jerky nod is all Alexander gets before he snaps his gaze back to the screen, and he takes it like a sacrament, gently shutting the door once again and shuffling downstairs to the main level of the house.

It feels like his heart lodges somewhere deep in his throat when he enters the living room only to be taunted with the sight of Eliza curled into the side of the sofa, nightgown loose on her shoulders, and dark hair piled into a messy topknot while she nibbles on the end of a pen that she’s most likely using to mark up the novel in her hands. It’s the same volume of Arthurian legends that she’s been paging through for the past few days, and he knows it’s something to do with a child at one of the group homes she visits on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, the one who is enthralled by the folklore of it all.

And it’s like an ache— a gnawing and crippling sort of yearning that he feels as he watches the image of her that he’s seen a hundred times before, wanting to thumb at the ink smattering her cheek and lips and chin. And if this was a year ago he would’ve done just that— Hell, he would’ve kissed them away with tender lips as he gathered her small form into his arms and he would’ve waxed poetic about her and her mind and her body all night long.

Or maybe not.

Maybe he would’ve simply teased her before dropping a kiss to her forehead and retreating to his study to finish the latest bill that the president wants on the house floor before the next congressional recess. Maybe Alexander never really deserved her and it took this— them split apart and tattered— for him to realize all the things he should’ve done. All the exaltations he should’ve whispered against her skin and all the caresses he should’ve massaged against her bones and all the ways he should’ve worshipped her all along. And when Eliza looks up— a strand of hair falling prettily over a large eye and the moonlight dancing atop her with a graceful sort of panache— he feels a sick sort of despair that maybe he’ll never get that chance again. Maybe she’ll leave it to Andre now.

The thought of John Andre makes Alexander’s insides pulse with a sort of anger he doesn’t think he’ has ever known, makes his fucking arteries clog with distain. But he hasn’t said anything about him to Eliza, even though he knows that ever since her ex-boyfriend has moved back into town, he’s been pursuing her non-stop, was regaled about the flowers and the letters and the diamond tennis bracelet by a peculiarly snide, but disappointed Angelica, and he knows that his sister-in-law, between her own children and her own job as the secretary of sate, has been silently rooting for Alexander to get his shit together, to prove himself worthy enough for a second chance with the sister she loves with all her heart. And he thinks that it’s almost funny that one of the most brilliant minds he’s ever known, isn’t perceptive enough to understand that Alexander had never been worthy enough for a chance with Eliza in the first place. So it’s fucking impossible now, with everything that has past and all the ghosts between them.

“Oh,” Eliza says once she finds him just standing their, gazing down at her like some sort of pathetic drifter trying to find respite from a prophet. “Will fell asleep then?”

“Erm, yeah. Yeah he was good.” Alexander replies, tries not to sputter. “Only one who’s up is Pip.”

“Not for long,” Eliza mutters mischievously, tapping a finger against her nose with an endearing sort of diffidence. “I switched the coffee out for decaf before dinner. I reckon he’s got another forty-five minutes in him.”

Alexander can’t help the choked out laughter that spills from his lips, and can’t help relishing in the helium like levity streaming through his extremities— the heady feeling that only Eliza’s ever been able to evoke. “You’re wicked.”

“I’m a concerned mother, and our son is a bit of a spaz if you hadn’t noticed?” She retorts mildly, single brow cocked as she returns to her novel. And no— God no, Alexander can’t refrain from delving back into the easy, life affirming bliss it has always felt when they talked with one another— whether it’s platitudes or past traumas or anything in-between. So like a man about to plunge into the churning ocean waves— ready for death or the best thrill of his life— Alexander eases besides her, three feet apart but close enough to smell Eliza’s  favorite jasmine shampoo wafting in the space between them.

“You enjoying the legends then?”

Eliza flickers her bright eyes back to him, uneasy and guarded. And it hurts like nothing else when he remembers how he was once able to read her open face like a favorite book that had been highlighted and underlined to hell. “Uh-huh, it’s an interesting set of stories. I think I understand why Dante enjoys them so much.”

“OH?”

“Mhmm. There’s this one myth, about one of Arthur’s knights, Sir Gawain, who was promised to this old crone and when he kisses her she becomes a fair maiden.”

Alexander isn’t sure what is going on here, knows that this is the most Eliza’s spoken to him outside the children’s schedules for months, but he’s not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he nods along eagerly, silently pleading for her to continue on with the summary.

“Yes, well. After she transforms, she gives him a ultimatum of sorts. Tells him that either she can stay beautiful in the daylight while they’re apart, or only at night while they’re together.” She meets his gaze head on— steadiness boring into his uncertainty. And even though he still hasn’t a clue what’s happening, he feels it in his bones that this is so very important, so he doesn’t falter, breathes in deep and doesn’t let his glance stray to her lips or her collarbone or where her hands are clutching tightly to the volume now.

“And what did he choose?”

Eliza purses her lips, like she’s not sure to tell him anymore, but something in his expression must’ve convinced her, because she shrugs a slight shoulder while standing and slapping the book shut. “He doesn’t. Tells her it’s her choice and her’s alone.”

And oh.

It’s like a punch in the gut when Alexander finally comprehends.

“Good,” he says, voice gone a bit haggard. “He should just wait until she makes up her mind.”

Remarkably, that seems to have been the right thing to have said, because the ends of Eliza’s plump lips actually quirk up into an etherial grin that’s not so threadbare like all the ones he’s seen for far too long.

“Good night, Alexander.”

“Good night, Eliza,” he replies,  feeling like sunlight is finally beginning to filter through the frost when her small hand dusts across his cheek for only a sparing moment. And while he watches her putter upstairs, Alexander knows with all his heart that he would wait for an eon just for Eliza to decide whether he’s worth letting back into her world.

.-

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