#getting married to 1997 tunnel massacre icon caroline bradshaw

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The obvious and correct answer is almost anything this character does, but this especially:

"Great. Fantastic. Keep driving. I'll hold it off or something."

He puts a hand on her arm like he’s trying to stop her. "The hell are you doing, Tiff?"

"Don't you worry about it." After shaking him off, she cranks the window down, then climbs out of it. She only does it partially, straddling the opening, with one foot wedged between the seat and the door. She doesn't want a repeat of what happened in November, but she also wants a good view of this thing as she tries to blow it to smithereens, and there isn't a way to access the bed from the backseat.

"Hey, be careful," Matt warns, arm poised to grab her again. "I might have to swerve. I don't want you falling out."

His voice is partially drowned out by the music and the wind whipping the rain against Tiff's face and head, chilling her to the core and dripping from the sleeves of her jacket. She knows how to use this thing in theory. It's been a while. She's more used to the feeling of a pistol in her hand. Bracing a gun against her shoulder is so foreign these days— but she can do it. She reaches into the glove compartment for the cartridges, loads, aims, fires.

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OKOKOK. You're going to regret asking, but you're going to get some answers.

riding a bone snake like a mechanical bull:

Tiff briefly went to Canada to fight a necromancer named Boris Covington. He sent her, a local teen, a dog, and a rat to a pocket dimension where he keeps all his extra bones for ease of access. Inside this pocket dimension, there's a pile of bones that was concealing a giant snake (also made of bones) that immediately attacked Tiff and Elton.

From THA, Chapter 22: Just Like Power Rangers:

jarring boris covington's genitalia:

Tiff works for a woman named Dr. Katherine Deseret. This means nothing until you remember that Kit's original field of study (aside from midwifery and then acting as a town doctor in a small mountain town) was kind of Frankensteinian. She caused Tiff to form two habits that are relevant here: creating wet specimen jars (like she did with some alien eggs in March) and collecting the research and journals of people like Dr. Garber, Zacharias Cain, and Boris Covington.

Tiff also has a pet rat who is also an alien (Em, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry. Don't be mad at me for what Cody and I did to him). Kepler has a habit of biting the genitals of wizards in an attempt to protect Tiff from them. For the record, he usually doesn't succeed in biting anything off.

So, he bit Boris Covington's genitals. They came off. Tiff had to cauterize the wound and perform an urostomy in a basement while calling Kit for help. This explains it a little better (THA, Chapter 31: Jarring):

getting married to 1997 tunnel massacre icon caroline bradshaw

In July 1997, a group of teens held a party (classic sex, drugs, and booze outfit) in the tunnels running under Lake Wonder (the town, not the lake). Caroline Bradshaw, AKA Bloodsaw, was not supposed to be there. She crashed the party at her girlfriend's request and was one of the characters who didn't drink a wine cooler. (I'm pretty sure she didn't drink anything, even though her plan involved that and violence.) The night quickly turned sour when people started massacring each other, including a local celebrity/katana guy called The Mermaid, who went to kill baseball player Harrison Bergeron. Bloodsaw intervened and lost her life in that particular incident (which is silly, considering that Harrison also died. I think it was a drug overdose. I really can't remember.) The only survivor was a teenage girl named Laura Mandarin (who was Bloodsaw's girlfriend, secretly).

In the months following this, Caroline Bradshaw took the blame post-mortem for what happened (since it was already easy to pin blame on her, given her various acts of homosexual violence).

Flash forward to May 2023. An angel named Almiel resurrects Bloodsaw, gets her a job working at her brother-in-law's bookstore, and tells her to just kind of hang tight. Bloodsaw being Bloodsaw, they absolutely hate this, they hate their new coworker, and they spend two weeks letting resentment build before they steal a computer, steal a car, and try driving to Wyoming to find Laura.

I swear to God that all of that's relevant-- because, unfortunately, Bloodsaw stole Tiff's computer, so she stowed away in the stolen car. That means she was there when the car broke down in Goldmire, Utah, and she's the one who dragged Bloodsaw to a carnival in the first place. It was, of course, full of killer clowns. The only way to infiltrate their cult was to declare their devotion to the cult and to participate in a marriage ceremony (because Tiff panicked again).

And, of course:

They keep forgetting to get divorced. I'm pretty sure the current state of things would be that they started the paperwork and then forgot to finish it.

pretending to be engaged to a christian guy version of your co-worker's girlfriend

In addition to working at the Book Nook, Tiff also has an internship at the morgue. (It's an internship at this point, since this is Beach Day and thus December 2022.) While the pathologist there is the aforementioned Dr. Deseret, there's an autopsy technician working there named Kay Clark, who is dating a mechanic named Mikey Sullivan. They're very sweet together, especially considering they only really met because Mikey killed someone, and Kay ran away because she didn't want to eat the body.

Tiff was fishing with her grandfather, who noticed that she was wearing a ring on her left hand (nevermind that it was white and on her middle finger) and assumed she was engaged, so Tiff panicked and ran with the lie. (She keeps doing this.)

From Beach Day, Chapter 22: Tiff Gets Engaged:

getting into a sword fight with your grandpa (who has a gun)

Zacharias Cain is not a great man, so when Tiff found out something he did back in the 1970s that flies in the face of pretty much any moral code aside from his, the only way to put a stop to any of it was to fight him about it. He had a gun; she had a sword that wasn't even hers. (I would put in a little excerpt, but this fight takes chapters and really only ends when she smacks him with a Baby Jesus outside his house.)

taking boris covington for a little drive after he killed somebody

So, after the urostomy, Tiff and Elton went back to the hotel she was staying at because she was bleeding out. While it wasn't going to kill her, it was very messy and not great for her very human body. While they were there and chatting with an elf and his author husband about a book of spells and a ritual they could conduct to heal her (since her bag got sent to the Bone Zone and she couldn't heal herself), Boris Covington apparently freed himself and made his way to the hotel where he killed the night clerk, attacked Elton, and announced that he was going to kill everyone in the room.

This, of course, means that Tiff threw a jar of formaldehyde at him, chased him down the stairs, hit him with a vase, and put him in her car. (This isn't even her car. She usually drives a motorcycle.)

THA Chapter 34: Tiff Kidnaps A Man (For Real This Time):

trying to bite boris's nose off and missing so badly

So, while she was driving, her heart stopped beating. This kind of resulted in her, you know, dying. Since the universe is keeping her alive (that asshole), she was just kind of... still around, albeit largely emotionless, and therefore remorseless. Since she tends to operate largely on wonder and remorse, this isn't great for her sense of morality, so she immediately tried to bite Boris's nose off when she heard he was going to die.

These are all, obviously, things I wouldn't do. I'm so marriageless, I wouldn't bite someone's nose off, I don't care for horses or mechanical bulls, and neither of my remaining grandfathers would ever try to fight me with a gun at an abandoned chapel in the woods. (Perks of having a JW grandpa, I guess. He's not going to fight me at a damn Kingdom Hall.)

There's a lot more that she's done (mostly murders), but these are just kind of funny to me.

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