#getting married or finding someone. im really not interested. but this loneliness is fucking k!lling me. im so fucking touched starved

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i want love. i want to be loved. i want affection. i want it all so badly suddenly, ive never felt this way in my entire life. ive never felt like or ever had the thought that im going to d!e from a broken heart or feelings of extreme loneliness. the one i do love, there are no mutual feelings. ive never felt so much for someone or had someone be my entire reason for living. and it feels like my world inside a snow globe and that snow globe getting smashed. but the weird thing is, i want to be in a relationship and tell someone i love them and feel so close to someone and they'll never leave me behind, but i panic and am repulsed at the thoughts of dating or marriage or receiving affection. who i do love, i really love them, but i cant see myself in a relationship. but i want to be in a relationship with someone, anyone. but i dont. can you call this romantic feelings? i want to be loved unconditionally and love someone unconditionally back, but maybe it should all just stay platonic. i really am fine without somebody, but at the same time this loneliness is eating me alive and ive never been so envious of couples or desired love or a partner so badly before. what do i do with all this "love" i have for the person i cant give it to, but they are my entire world and why im here? what am i supposed to do with mixed (almost combative now) feelings on receiving romance? i cant live extremely lonely my entire life but i cant live with these feelings either. what do i do what is wrong with me? ive never felt like this before in my entire life its driving me crazy and making me depressed.