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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

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Vol. 14

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- MTV's 120 Minutes w/ Alan Hunter:

*Alan has to be pulled out of his dressing room listening to George Jones (Sure, George is way too manly for Alan)

*The pinnacle of man towered over by skyscrapers in a very 20th century modern art ad for athletic 80s yuppies who drink milk. Yuppies listen to Phil Collins on evening MTV, not late night 120 minutes alternative bands.

*Wrigley's gum w/ nutrasweet for sweater wearing 80s families to chew on long bike rides.

*Awesomely 80s retro ad for a Casio keyboard drum that has a dorky guy walking around the type of alley Michael Jackson would dance in until he meets a sexy looking keyboard player who would fit right in with Prince's band at the time.

*TSOL "Colors": Another edgy new wave The Cult-esque sounding music video featuring cowboys. What was up with these bands & cowboys? Depeche Mode did it too. Decent.

*Walk in the West "Lonely Boy": Another edgy cowboy themed video? This time with the alt version of Cougar Mellon? This is more bluesy & has some of those awesome 80s video editing techniques with the band superimposed over shots of driving through rural America. Decent.

*The Descendents "Kids On Coffee": Very 80s punk/hardcore aesthetics featuring mugs of coffee & pictures of Molly Ringwald for some reason. Decent.

*Some new alternative records for the week are gone over by Alan. A few hip hop show up. Not sure if these were quirky hip hop acts or if hip hop was still considered a niche.

*Nickelodeon tips from Dennis. Nick still aired the Menace at this point. Now the black & white, non-trying-to-be-a-Teeny-Bopper-Pop-Star-themed show would give tween brats a seizure.

*Hey, "hoppin' & bobbin'" 80s family, sign up for HBO & cable. You'll get a free phone alarm clock too. Huh? Phone alarm clock? Whose dumb idea was that invention? People will never sleep beside their phones & use them for alarms *wink*

*Vomitous preview for a Joan London talk show about being a great mom & Mother's day on the Lifetime Network. Now, Joan stars in a commercial about putting her dear old mom in a nursing home to get rid of her. Ha!

*A generic new wave pop band "The Hooters" in an MTV bumper & performing & bowing, in front of a concert crowd, as a god awful song by them with the lyrics "Day by day" plays.

*Another cartoon graphics bumper for MTV featuring a jackpot machine scroll. More imagination went in to all these old bumpers than has gone into actual MTV programmingin the last almost two decades since the early 2000s.

*Joe Piscopo in a Miller Lite beer ad playing an over the top 80s wrestler, named Python Piscopo, taking over a seedy dive bar

*"Captain EO" a strangely forgotten Disney theme park music video / movie attraction produced by George Lucas & starring Michel Jackson. Looks good if you like MJ's 80s videos & Star Wars.

*James "So Many Ways": An Aussie sounding new wave singer is dancing, around a field of amber grains, like a spastic. Something new wave singers were known for doing. Dancing like a spastic. Nice, soaring, Bono-esque vocals. More than decent via video cliches.

*The Housemartins "Happy Hour": Quirky U.K. band in a pub partying themed video w/ California Raisins style animation. Terrific.

*Get a KODAK Supralife battery & be able to play air guitar longer beside your giant 80s ghetto blaster boombox. Awesome.

*"Did You know?" ad w/ 1-800 number for ordering a Yugo compact car. Pretty cheap too for a new car under 4,000. Not sure how much a new car cost in the 80s, but it would be hard to get a used car w/out 100,000 plus miles on the motor for anywhere near that amount today.

*Pringles Sour Cream & Onion dip chips has the Royal Family going goofy for the flavor.

*The low fi "do it yourself" aesthetics of videos by bands like Gene Loves Jezebel are something corporate produced videos can't re-capture.

*Gene Loves Jezebel "Heartache": Okay, I might have spoke too soon. The band had signed with Geffen records by the point of this video & the earlier clip doesn't apply. This video is slick w/ better camerawork, but the band's music still manages to shine thru. ---- Decent.

*The Bolshoi "A Way": This Brit band takes over some nice mum's quaint home to film aspooky little number for I.R.S. records 80s R.E.M.'s label

*"The Long Ryders" a hopeful "band" (not sure if real), in a Miller Beer ad, perform theircorny bar band rock & roll in a bar in Hollywood near Tower Records.

*Another stereotypical 80s dorky teen (the kind in every 80s teen movie) plays a CASIO keyboard in his totally 80s bedroom for his bored out of its mind hound-dog w/ big ears

*A 50s via the 80s "Leave it to Beaver" type nerd talks in the mirror about Cracker Jacks & then shares them with his sweetheart.

*Wrap up Hollywood hit movies like "The Karate Kid" & "The Al Jolson Story" (complete w/ him in facepalmingly funny black face) for only $29.95

*Soft & Dri ladies deodorant helps a cute black chick get ready for her tv news debut

*MTV's "Make My Video" contest for a chance to make a video for Madonna. Wow! 80s Madonna was iconic, I'll have to admit. Right up there with all the other 80s icons. Pretty to boot. Also included, in winning, is a surplus of Twix candy bars & a Levis wardrobe. I'd like to see some of the terrible entries from the contest.

*Bang "Summertime" an MTV Basement tapes winner: This NYC street video featuring a garage band that looks like KISS minus makeup feels like it would belong more on regular MTV or Headbangers Ball. --- Fair.

*Cactus World News "The Bridge": A big, soaring U2 sounding band plays for a concert festival. --- Decent.

*Alan insults Cactus World News & blames it on a music article. I admire the bite that MTV wouldn't show today in insulting an artist on their network. They'd be considered a product that would be above criticism today, if they still had vj's or music videos. Still, Alan is the wrong person to be hosting this show, as MTV would soon figure out.

*The Go-Betweens "Head Full Of Steam": Video w/ a band that has a prissy looking leadsinger & Cure video style aesthetics. Nice crooning. -- Decent.

*80s mallrat teens tired of waiting forever for zits to go away get Clearasil & then beat it on their mopad or skateboard to the local foodcourt to gawk at each other while screwing up their skin even more with chocolate milkshakes & greasy pizza slices. The winner: corporate America. The loser: hormonal teens & their scraping to get by parents.

*Toni volumizer makes any 80s chick look like a high fashion sex kitten.

*"Heartbeat of America is today's Chevrolet"... This was a time when picturesque Americana actually might have meant something before global trade sent automotive jobs overseas.These quirky Americans & American made autos have vanished. Replaced by crumbling urban landscapes (Detroit), jobless & depressed people, along with foreign made products & autos.

*Sammy Hagar era Halen takes over MTV for a week. Would have been more fun w/ Diamond Dave. Can't imagine any band taking over MTV anymore much less one like Van Halen.

*The Wind "Good News, Bad News": A funny semi-acoustic duo music act performs for their neighbors in block party black & white video. Close to decent.

*A Brit rock (nobody that I recognize) ex-junkie for a "No Drugs & Alcohol" sober music making experience 1 - 800 recovery number. Being sober is probably why his music career is so forgettable.

*James Brown for MTV. James Brown popular in the 60s & here still recognized on MTV in the late 80s. Current MTV doesn't recognize music much less music legends.

*Cryin' Out Loud "Live It Up": "I ain't no Marxist" a lyrical band w/ "a message." Fair.

*Awesome post-apocalyptic arena combat ad for a "Lazer Tag" toy. "Stadium not included ."Ha. Someone must have complained that their backyard wasn't as fantasy like as this ad.

*"VCR Theater," every night at 2am on The Movie Channel, helps rock lovin' chicks, who sleep with their electric guitar, record a flick. Why the rock & roll theme was included, in the ad, must have been because the ad was MTV specific. Otherwise, it makes no sense.

*Penn & Teller have "blood & fire" as they guest host MTV. "Born to be wild" badasses.

*A rock & roll hotel in "Playin' For Keeps" rated PG13. 80s PG, which GoodBadFlicks.com would tell you might equal a little R rated sex & nudity & language w/ the comedy. I had forgotten this 80s movie. Might be a forgotten gem, might be well a forgotten dud.

*Christy Brinkley for taking a shower & using Prell shampoo. I, like Chevy Chase, am all for getting a little wet w/ the very sexy 80s model Christy Brinkley.

*More bad jokes & bad silver jackets from Alan.

*Timbuk 3 "Future's So Bright, Gotta Wear Shades": A minor classic. terrific.

*Christmas "Big Plans": Clever points for the band name. Clever & quirky video featuring mailroom drudgery. The band escapes into a fantasy world filled with cliche 80s cheesy & weird video editing techniques. Close to terrific.

*Alan's head is now a talking head in an 80s tv set. Silver 80s tv sets w/ either a rabbit's ears antenna or a dial cable box are more art & make me feel more happy than a 60 inch flat screen wall hanging home movie theater experience to watch crappy 20 tens era reality shows on. Those old tvs played awesome UHF local tv stations & awesome at the time cable channels.

*Every day Joes drink Miller beer after they get off work from their blue collar jobs. It's the "American Way" of getting liver disease & addiction & emotional / relationship problems when you're "Born & raised in the U.S.& A."

*"Top Gun, the number one soundtrack" w/ music from Kenny Loggins, Berlyn, & Loverboy. Coming to a yuppie moron's car stereo near you! (unfortunately)

*"Dippity Do" hair styling gel for futuristic 80s weirdos.

*MTV was hip in the 80s, I might not say this enough, & for clarity on how "cool" it actually was... it had guys sticking their fists up chicken butts & wiggling said fist, while their bald heads were covered in whip or shaving cream. Why? Why not?

*The Rainmakers "Let My People Go-Go": Funky, bluesy, quirky, top hat wearing band rocks the house (literallY) while their horn section blows it up out in some rural decay while walking around w/ the bulldog from Little Rascals. Decent.

*Billy Chinmock "Somewhere in the Night": tape cut out, so who knows, didn't look like it was gonna be great for an alt video what w/ its aesthetics of a high style 80s babe walking down a foggy back alley. zero.

I think at this point in 1980's 120 minute alt rock history, they had mistaken alot of the popular bluesy rock of the time for alt rock & mixed it in w/ the Brit new wave. It didn't mesh together well. I guess none of the music on 120 minutes history ever truly did through the changing time periods & trends. At least it existed for a while & was something a bit different.

*Limited Warranty "Hit You": 120 Minutes has definitely gone off, at this point, but the tape has another video for me. It's a new wave pretty boy group. In the style of A-Ha "Take on Me." It's nothing terrible for what it is. Pretty catchy like most of that kind of music was. Decent, I guess.

close to 2 for Alan, close to 3 for MTV, 2 1/2 for videos, 2 1/2 for ads

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Geraldo Rivera: Exposing Satan's Underground *"This is a horror that will give children bad dreams." We're not talking about Satan,no, it's Geraldo's mustache. Jokes & utter stupidity aside... Seriously, after all his 80s & 90s tabloid garbage "news" hysteria, it's unbelievable that Geraldo still has a career in journalism.* zero stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Ouija Boards & Near Death Experiences *The mind can be deceived through cheap games & brain power-outs.* close to 3 stars

--- DinosaurDracula.com presents Creepy Commercials Countdown:

*Sunkist Spooky Fruit (1989): Eat enough gummy fruit flavored snacks & wake up, from a candy coma, in a cemetery filled w/ animated trees, lounge about skeletons, & purple people eaters from the stars.* 2 stars

*Easter Seals Halloween Coupons w/ Vincent Price (1990): "Halloween doesn't have to be spooky." It's blasphemy for a lame organization to get one of the most symbolically spooky actors of all time to say this. "It should be warm & friendly." Even if it's meant to be ironic & Vincent Price sure reads it that way, it sucks. I want Halloween to be like Halloween 3, and end horribly. Well, at least in my imagination. Candy & fright. Not "safe" coupons.* 1 star

*Coors Light Beer w/ Elvira (1991): If I were an Addams family style disembodied hand & I met Elvira, I would do more than try to hand her a beer. I would crawl down the front of her very open black dress & never come out. Also, I wouldn't mind being at a Halloween party stuck behind Elvira in one of those two person horse costumes.* 3 stars

*Spooky Goop Halloween Make-Up (1988): Be the coolest & weirdest kid on the block going from cheap ghoul face paint to full on Fulci's Zombi grotesque skin.* 3 stars

*The People's Court Frankenstein Promo (1988): Village idiots will kill over daytime trash tv. Dr. Frankenstein & his monster (son?) would have been great guests on Jerry Springer.* close to 3 stars

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Public Access: "My Name Is John Daker" *A mumbling piano lady, of some Methodist church according to her, & a mumbling male singer who couldn't be more stiff. They attempt a song about "The Lord" only for it to devolve into jaunty number about the moon hitting one's eye like a big-ah pizza pie.* either 1 star or 3 stars terrible becoming terrific

--- Red Letter Media presents Best of the Worst: Shakma, Python II, and Beaks the Movie

*Shakma: A crazy baboon on the loose while its victims live action role play in a college animal testing lab.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 (for primate slasher premise cuteness)

*Python II: One of those crappy CGI snake genre flicks. A genre that would be further made worse by SYFY & Asylum later on in the 2000s. The python looks startling, in its scenes, but I do not know if that's just all the taco soup, that I ate earlier, talking or what.* 1 1/2 stars

*Beaks the Movie: The VHS box cover says "unintentionally funny." See, hipsters, our VHS ancestors were self aware too. So, this is pretty much an Italian exploitation version of Hitchcock's "The Birds" complete w/ that Eye-Talian auteur creative cliche of animal cruelty. Such a dumb premise taken to its heights of ridiculousness, but M. Night would try it with "The Happening" & there's the "wants to be so bad so bad it's good" but isn't "Birdemic 1 & 2." Not really all that fun, except to Red Letter's Rich.* 1 star

According to Red Letter Media, Beaks is best (by default) Shakma is divisive & Python 2 was supposed to get destroyed by beach birds but they don't like birdseed covered VHS tapes

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Classic Comedy Central: Buddy Scott trio in the elevator *An office worker ant is trapped in his coffin falling a hundred plus floors to hell. He cheers up when a lounge act sing to him the message that he's "heading to the top." Penn Jillette (then voice of Comedy Central) says to "Think positive."* 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*You Gotta Be Kidding Me: The customer is always a pain in the rear of the golf shorts.* 1 star

*They're Coming For Your Kids!: "For the cost of two Cokes," & one soul, they'll become manipulative salespeople of religious literature on their school campuses.* 1 or 3 stars

*The Net: "From astrology to gardening & punk rock."* close to 3 stars

*Telephone Song!: Be correct when you dial collect. Tween girls discover the power of the telephone. They all do.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rock Music & the Occult: "God isn't interested in impressing teenagers." Hence the reason that Satan's rock music is so successful.* 3 stars

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"B Videos 101 Vol. 1" *"Perfect, no one suspects" that Andy Griffith is a bar brawling deviant, that Redd Foxx is from a galaxy far far away, or that Papa Smurf likes to have his salad tossed.* 2 1/2 stars & zero stars for the doo doo Jackson Pollock porno finale

--- Phone Losers:

*Security Cam Pranks - The Kitchen Couple: An outrageous & short lived invasion of boring breakfast table privacy.* either zero or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security Prank Call - Peace of Mind: Every hour on the hour reassurance is bothersome & as comforting as forced prayer.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Rich Neighborhood Prank Calls: We've been going through your trash, & we don't like what we find.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tenants from Hell - Archaeological Dig Site: Before you hear it on the news, we want to let you know about the giant skeletons & the buried alien technology that we found.* close to 3 stars

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Beavis & Butthead: It's So Cold in the D *"This is hard to dance to." Detroit has fallen on such hard times, the very danceable to hip hop sounds more like a funeral song.*

2 1/2 stars w/ riffing

1 star w/out

5 Dollar Wrestling: Death Match Dance Party *"Blood in the roller-rink."* 2 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*How To Have Cybersex on the Internet: "those who have mastered the art of one handed typing."* close to 3 stars

*It Only Takes A Second: "to be safe" or die in a hilariously horrible accident.*

3 stars

*Mr. Nasty - Insult VHS Tape: Mr. Nasty is such a bad insult comedian, he makes Andrew Dice Clay look like Jeffry Ross who looks like Nazi propaganda of a Jew on marijuana.* 1 star

*What Does God Say About Worldliness: "It's better to go to a funeral than to go to a party." Maybe so, but it's not as much fun. So this failed comedian, turned touring for money evangelist, says one can have a fine stable of horses, cars, or women... but HaHa, it's a one way ticket to H-E-L-L. The evangelical sort of brags about having a stable of finely bred horses, by the way. His audience looked like they were at a funeral. No smiles, no laughs, no horses, just misery. I thought they called it the gospel (good news).* 1 star

*Something's Happening: Watching the mucus sizzle. The "stuff that's killing the world" (mucus) of a old man / mucus conspiracy theorist. (What did I just watch?!)* Uh? stars?

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--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Coma

*Joe Bob has on his gloriously un-politically correct rebel flag western shirt (Joe Bob is just too un-PC for current tv) & he does a funny editorial on the world's obsession with wrapping the everyday garbage products we produce & consume up with so much other wrapping that there's no real garbage anymore just the plastic we used to hold all the crap we consumed.

*TNT had such a hard on for E.R. coming to TNT, Joe Bob says that's the reason the first flick is E.R. creator Michael Crichton's "Coma"

*Drive In totals: 77 dead bodies... 8 breasts 2 living 6 dead (censored)... Brain slicing kidney weighing.. vegetable handling.. organ donating.. plastic covered peni (Devious look on Joe Bob's face as he says this).. death by electrocution... gratuitous New England antiquing... fire extinguisher fu.. cadaver fu..

*Huggies ad w/ a baby parachuting out of a plane thru fluffy clouds. Don't diapers sell themselves? Babies are cute, sure, but is this to convince new parents of that fact & to make the awful reality of changing shitty diapers not have them wanting to put their brat up for adoption?

*Dennis Miller for dollar collect calls & being a smug asshole. Only good thing that he ever did was Weekend Update on SNL, & Norm was better at it. Fallon & Tina not my choice...Colin Quinn pretty okay...

*Fisher Price Rescue Mission toddler action figures ad... Huh? This isn't Saturday morning cartoon commercial breaks? This is after 11pm TNT. Why the ads for kids & their parents?

*A dog dreams about bacon in the classic "Beggin Strips" commercial. I think this would not be politically correct now either. Dogs can't eat bacon because their owners have to feed them liberal nazi approved gluten free & non-processed healthy meat dog food. Surely no bacon, a little chicken (no hormones) & they'd just love to take meat away from dogs & make them vegans. They don't go that far yet, but PETA probably does with their pets.

*Leann Rimes (sp?) croons the classic country song "Blue" while images of picturesque Maine play in a Red Lobster commercial. Nice combo.

*An ad about the type of toothbrush (Oral B) a dentist uses, & so should you. Dentists also have free access to all the high tech dental cleaning & surgery tools in their office, so why does it matter that they use a certain toothbrush at home? It doesn't.

*WCW's "The Giant" has nostrils so big that he could inhale most normal size people. Check him out on TNT's WCW Monday Nitro.

*Ikea turns a subway train into a kitschy living space for the daily grind passengers. Ikea furniture also is the decor of one of the sub levels of Hell.

*Joe Bob reads from the "trashy" novel version of Coma while he sips from his Budweiser covered in a TNT logo coozy.

*Another of the countless "never need another" "get back to your outdoor life" allergy rx ads. I wonder if evolved alien civilizations, out there in the stars, still deal w/ allergy problems on their planets filled w/ lush plant life...

*Firestone helps a young college age guy & his dog get back out on the road of life in his beat up convertible. "Saved money too." Sure, mechanics aren't rip off artists.

*Visit the TNT website for NBA news, a Babylon 5 chatroom (you were a legit nerd if you were on a chat site like this in the 90s, not a hipster nerd), even a Monstervision page

*$1.99 Disney toys in Happy Meals has a future out of the closet broadway kid putting on a living room show, along w/ his sister, for his parents who are too cheap to buy real toys or cook an actual healthy dinner for their kids. Harsh, but whatever.

*Kevin Nealon, another Weekend Update SNL alumni, sells out to a collect call ad.

*Antz, one of the early CGI Pixar style movies. Has some of the charm, if I'm remembering correctly, of those CGI cartoon movies for kids, not as obnoxious as most, but the animation hasn't aged well (imo).

*Monks avoid breaking their vow of silence by chewing "Beano" before eating gassy salads at dinner. First semi clever & funny & not despisable ad of the night.

*Digitally restored, & w/ dvd style extras, episodes of Star Trek coming to 1990s Sci Fi channel hosted by Shatner.

*Joe Bob has an I.V. drip ran into his beer to keep with the medical theme.

*Joe Bob makes a joke about Dustin Hoffman being a midget who has to wear platform pimp shoes. ha

*Two patronizing ads to talk about. One w/ a less manly man who needs to get a mid sized Sonoma pick up truck like a "real man." Another about a old maid going to Tru Value to pick up (not truck) a can of paint to match her cat's furball.

*Eggo's new microwave pancakes (I'm sure they're edible?) make a dad believe he's a short order breakfast cook at a greasy spoon diner. One where truckers show up in a family's kitchen in the morning. If truckers are showing up in your kitchen, uninvited, it's not for griddle cakes. It's cause you're gettin' raped.

*Wanna check out what whitebread 90s peoples looked like, view this "So easy to use, no wonder it's #1" America Online 1 800 number commercial

*"Come see the softer side of SEARS" Short story, every time I used to go to the mall ,I somehow ended up entering thru the SEARS appliance section. So, first I was greeted by refrigerators, washers, dryers, color tvs (Dire Straits, wink). The softer side, the SEARS clothing section, was way off in another part of the mall. Some tucked away corner. By the time that I was there, mall anxiety was really getting to me. I wanted to Tom Savini "Dawn of the Dead" special fx kill a few mall motherfuckers. Not really. I'm more timid & just wanted to run back out the way I came thru all the appliances.

*Joe Bob talks about Rip Torn being a good ole Texas boy & having starred in an episode of I Love Lucy. Joe Bob doesn't really like Lucy (me either) but feels like he's seen every episode (me too for some reason).

*Joe Bob blames Nick at Nite for classic tv osmosis, & says we're better off watching "hick at nite." I definitely digged TNT's Monstervision & 100 % Weird, but there were a few late nite Nick at Nite shows worth watching like F-Troop & Dobie Gillis among others

*"Get back to the groovy 60s" w/ flower power & free love? No. McDonald's Big-Macs & fries instead. The secret sauce is almost as good as sex & for 49 cents, the same price a burger was in 1969, I'm in. Don't take the brown acid or Grimace will really freak you out, mannnn!

*Kinkos guido competitors think it's better to have comedy than color printing. Not a bad ad going off one viewing & not having it ran into the ground like tv ads' fate goes.

*"Smile you got French's Smile you got fun." French's mustard. Smile you got heartburn. Smile you got a nasty yellow stain on your white t-shirt. Points for the dog, in the ad, w/ a whole hotdog held sideways in his mouth w/out swallowing. That had to have lasted all of 2 seconds. Dogs swallow everything whole in seconds.

*Cute commercial w/ live bears dressed up like a mama bear & her school aged children little bears. She dresses them up in backpacks & sends them off into the woods to go to school. She packs a lunch of rice krispie treats in wrappers. Bears & people food don't mix. The bears probably destroyed the set to eat all the sticky candy & mauled a few school children once they got to school.

*Motorola phones & pagers give NYC hipster yuppies "wings." It's a fashion model / actress who attended suit & gown parties while also keeping it real w/ her across town jeans & t-shirt boyfriend. Not sure how many regular folks had a cell phone at this point. Pagers were pretty popular yet ghetto.

*Campbells tries to give moms the delusion that their teenage sons will leave the bedroom & the Playstation long enough to have a family meal in the kitchen.

*Hip Hop tapdance meets RiverDance meets the Salsa dance in a TOPS appliance ad. Why they needed to spice up an appliance store grand opening is just a sign of the popularity of River Dance crap at this point in the 90s.

*TimeWarner cable, it's like a bagel penetrated by the Empire State building. No, really, that's the image they put on the screen. Not sexual subliminal at all, wink wink. Either that or they're saying, "Fuck you, New York, pay your overpriced TimeWarner cable bill, 'cause we got our figurative giant dick up your ass!"

*Joe Bob claims to have been kicked out of a convent of nuns. Fox in the hen-house.

*I think it's important to view these old (not too old) ads, because the sinister hand appears, & is more visible given the historical context. It shows that sinister hand has always been around trying to make the world outside the hamster wheel seem prettier than it really is.

*Wear Target clothes & look like a model photographed in stunning black & white photography Yep.

*Tony Danza is the boss of fifty percent off collect calls. These collect calls ads were the pathetic celebrity precursor to things like Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice & Dancing w/ the Stars.

*Preview for James Garner in a TNT original movie along with Kathleen Turner. Ted Turner had a real hard on for old actors like Garner.

*A Geico car insurance fairy ad. Geico were already torturing people at this point? Hmmm.

*Another Geico ad w/ a business guy bumming a ride on the back of a chicken truck w/ feathers flying in his mouth & all over the place. Quirky, but still Geico, & they've worn out their welcome long ago.

*Joe Bob & Reno the Mail Girl discuss Bill Clinton lowering the standards of America's women w/ his flawed Southern charm & looks.

*"Words instead of letters" to the tune of "Sweet nuthins" on Motorola Wings pagers. The era of text messages has begun. Interesting ad for historical purposes.

*A pretty lady leans out of the darkness, turns on a light, & says "Do you see the tar stains on my teeth or smell the tobacco on my breath?" Well, no I don't have smell-o-vision & whatever happened to Targon mouthwash? Smokers just don't give a shit anymore. The rising price of smoking (health, money, & legally) has worn smokers down.

*Clairol hair color. Coloring one's hair can make that person feel like a "natural wo-man."

*Joe Bob thinks that the TNT censors are out to blur comatose boobs because they mistakenly think the sight of them will make people wanna screw nekkid corpses.

*Joe Bob ridicules the plot holes & foolishness involving bumbling security guards & a heroine who is clued in but clueless.

*Coma: A sleuthing surgeon almost sinks trying to stop a corrupt hospital conspiracy of organ harvesting for profit & having a social climbing coworker boyfriend (Michael Douglas) who doesn't, til almost her end, believe her conspiracy.*

running from 2 to 2 1/2 stars for Coma, 3 for Joe Bob, & 1 1/2 for the ads

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The Young Turks: Fox News's War On... Sharks *Clear the waters, sharks, people are number 1.* 2 stars (edit years later: I used to occasionally get news from the turds at Turks. how dumb.)

Public Access: "Live TV Prank Calls To Pro-911 Communist Public Access Host" (youtube) *Bluff & guff.* either 1/2 or 1 star

James Randi & Psychic Crime Solving *Police don't officially use psychics but often rely on their illogical detective work.* either 1/2 (what'd you expect? other than sensational lies by the psychic. which this time didn't happen. therefore dull reading.) or 3 stars

==== The Comfort Zone w/ Ray Comfort:

"Ray Comfort's New Homosexuality Movie" ("Audacity" ha...)

*"People were begging" this Aussie sounding evangelical, Kirk Cameron's buddy, the guy who debated, along with Kirk, atheists.

They were begging him to make a movie about gay ole homosexuality in the non-happy sin sense.

He's also infamous for a video where he talks about evolution & creation using a banana as an example.*

runs from 1 to close to 2 stars

(He's rather polite & there's not a lot of hate towards gays as usual w/ these things.)

(edit, years later:

when you're a shitlib supporter of gay rights, you put them up on a pedestal.

not realizing how truly degenerate they are.

this is way before I saw pics of what really goes on at pride parades.

where oral & anal sex takes place on the street along w/ half naked men in leather & clown outfits performing spankings & bondage acts.

many times, other non-gay themselves equal rights, for queers, supporters (like i was) would bring their families (including children) there to support these pride marches. that's a folly that should open more eyes. not sure it does when one is that blinded w/ the mindset of "don't judge" & "love is love"... ugh... smh in disgust & shame

here I was poking fun at a dumb evangelical (man of faith in a faithless world. an easy target.) & his banana folly

while thinking anyone else was intolerant or ignorant for holding onto tradition in the face of such odd & socially dysfunctional behavior.

forgive me.)

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Conan on TBS: James Bobo Fay Got His Hands On Sasquatch Semen *Bobo is willing to "take one for the team" of bigfoot hunters. In the name of pseudo-science & love.* 2 1/2 stars

Kenny vs. Spenny: Who Is Cooler? *Kenny overdosing on black tar heroin or Spenny, Kenny's caring nurse, dressed up like a "Greek rapist" (Johnny Depp)? The obvious loser gets locked in a cold meat locker.* close to 3 stars

"Fan Made Dominos Pizza Commercial featuring a fake The Undertaker" *Okay, so it's the Summer of 1992? It's a few months before the World Wrestling Federation pay per view wrestling show "Summerslam." Beware though The Undertaker has been missing for months. That's not the strange part, no, the strange part is that The Naked Gun's Leslie Nielsen had been out searching for him in vignettes. Dominos pizza was the sponsor. Here, some real nerds borrow a vhs camcorder, their Dominos delivery gremlin of a car, & a nighttime cemetery to film one of their friends dressed up like their hero, The Under-taker, lurking behind a tree while, in said graveyard, ordering pizza through the power of the darkside? Not exactly sure, but he got them to deliver w/out paying for the pizza & only leaving an autographed picture of himself as a tip.* 3 stars for absurd effort

Look Around You: Food *Vegetable orchestra for the Feast of Saint Frankenstein. Featuring a piping hot casserole made out of recycled & dehydrated food that pushes the fat right out of the skin. Or you could stay home & celebrate your birthday with a delivery medicinal-pizza.* close to 3

"New Orleans Airwaves - The Mystery Morgus Episode" *Serialized & shot on grainy film, circa 1960s, mad science lab hijinks w/ all the gloriously ghoulish trappings.* more than 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Christian Star Wars: It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for an Imperial lazer beam to penetrate the soul of a believer.* 3 stars

*Anybody Can Make Chili Dogs: Knock on a stranger's door & share the message of love topped w/ a variety of condiments to mask the bland taste of grinded pig's anus packaged in a tube form.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Machine Gun Magic: "They're not for everyone." Just those who can't get enough of that tat-a-tat-tat action.* 1 star

*Police Scanner: The suspect appears to be an obese house-cat.*

either 1/2 a star or fair

*Why Wait For Heaven: The babyboom generation were really susceptible to cult thought & behavior.*

either 1 or 2 1/2 stars (eye opener, I'm now a mindless believer)

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Manimal: Night of the Beast *Simple bear necessities of wildnerness life trying to be corrupted & turned into a casino resort for the mafia. Robert Englund (not quite Freddy just yet) vs. Manimal. There's a destructive claw, in the movie, but it's not Freddy's. It's Manimal in a ridiculous looking bear suit.* 2 1/2 stars

Men Without Hats - Safety Dance (Literal Version) *"Whack a midget's ass."* 2 1/2 stars for literal 3 stars for original

Angry Video Game Nerd: Seaman for Dreamcast *It has Leonard Nimoy. It eats time & knowledge. It says / does "fuck." It's not logical... or is it? (Cue creepy sci fi music)* 3 stars

The Young Turks: Man Breaks Leg Attempting To Rape Horse *Sadly "it wasn't his first "rodeo"..."* 1 star

Hannibal: Fromage *Lures & lutes. Hannibal gets into a kung fu showdown w/ a fellow serial killer.*

3 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: PETA & Eat This! *Ethical? No. Infact, insanely evil. Emaciated? Yes. ------ Stop expecting results. Start exacting change. Avoid batshit crazy activists at all cost. They'd starve us all.* 3 stars

---- Memory Hole:

*I'm Obese Song: Just tryna tell you people that I'm messed up.* 3 stars

*Meatsack Worshipers: It puts the cow tongue on its skin or else it won't ever get Fritos again.* close to 3 stars

*Salad Tossers: Hidden Valley's behind closed doors food fetishes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Satan's Dinner Prayer: Dig in, hooves first.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Dance Til U Puke: Achy Breaky Rappers never die. They cry "unbutton my fly."* 3 stars

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"Munchies" (1987) *Roger Corman produced Gremlins ripoff starring Harvey Korman as a polyester sleazeball bumbling villain. Exists in a quirky America similar to Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks."* running from 2 down to 1 1/2 stars

---- Reel Wild Cinema w/ Sandra Bernhard : Supernatural Sirens

*Creepy Mexican 1940s Universal Horror looking horror short called "Curse of the Crying Woman." Pretty darn creppy, and much more depraved than Universal Horror.

*Sandra wants to slap a bitch (The Crying Woman) & then go get a massage (ha)

*Sandra says not to mess with the hearts of Texas witches or sell your soul to Hollywood

*"The Naked Witch" a story about Bruce Campbell's hipster twenty something year old uncle riding the backroads of Texas, in the 1960s, accidentally bringing back to life buried & vengeful femme fatales. while all the time narrating to himself about it.

*Sandra drops some info about the director of "Naked Witch" filming another flick called "Naughty Dallas" in a strip club owned by Lee Harvey Oswald's assassin Jack Ruby

*Comedian Dana Gould joins Sandra to talk about capes, masks, & restraining orders.

*Sandra gives a hilarious history lesson on Mexican imports including pain killers, ponchos, various other things from Tijuana, & most of all El Santo horror/sci fi movies

*"Samson vs. The Vampire Women"... Watch as El Santo gets "monkey flipped," then puts a werewolf in a "camel clutch" wrestling submission hold. I love typing that sentence.

*1950s retro ad where a woman shows off her Playtex magic plastic bra as she turns completely invisible, except for her underwear, in a grocery store of all places.

*Dana talks w/ Sandra about his friendship w/ Ed Wood's starlet Vampira (sp?). Great story about how she met a rollerskating Bela Lugosi on Hollywood Boulevard. Ha. awesome.

*"The Girl in the Cage"... a 1960s kooky nudie short minus the nudity. We can watch the kitschy siren paw at her bamboo prison, but no nudity. 'Cause even though we're all adults & this is late night, the Puritans who wouldn't ever watch this, & the kids, whose parents ought to have them in bed by late night tv time, might get offended. Nice jungle girl strip tease, none the less.

*Buy a Viva Santo t-shirt from this 1 800 number ad. Do it before Hot Topic puts it up at their store & makes it not cool to wear anymore. Shortly after, they did.

*Grindhouse coming attractions commercials for "The Werewolf vs. The Vampire Woman"... "Devil Woman" a cobra charming she bitch flick from Asia.... "Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico" a Frankenstein sexploitation feature....

*No surprise to find out, via the credits, that the show's "Film Doctor" is none other than the director of "Basket Case" & "Frankenhooker"

3 stars for the shorts & 3 stars for Sandra

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--- Crematia's Horrorscopes (old school tv horror host):

*Aries "A man w/ a glass eye will try to catch yours as his rolls under a table"... Not a bad way to meet. "Meet cutes" make me wanna puke. Glass eyes usually make me want to puke, too, This however I like.

*Taurus "A gardener will ask you to propagate. Don't do it. Ask him to fix the latch." If you have to be told not to screw your gardener, you need more than your horrorscope read. Gardeners don't look the way sexless middle aged women imagine them to be. No six-pack & tan. Only a mustache w/ bread crumbs in it. "Fix the latch." He's not a gynecology expert, either, I'm sure. If you can afford a gardener, you can afford a trip to the vagina doctor. We're already asking enough work, at slave wages, from our illegal help.

*Gemini "Cockroaches will stage a counter-revolution in your kitchen." Wouldn't that make the cockroaches already the oppressive regime in one's house if that were so?... No hiding when the lights come on. It's the humans crawling around in the dark trying to throw molotov cocktails in order to get access to the cereal cabinet or the fridge. Are they gonna booby trap cans of roach spray so that it will explode in the human's hands? That sounds more revolutionary than counter-revolutionary.

*Cancer "You'll be given a gift that requires batteries." This had to be tame in order to be on basic tv. But is a sex toy joke being worked in here? Not funny & probably not.

*Leo "A poultry farmer will ask you to do foul things, but you'll chicken out." Okay, maybe I was wrong about the last one not being about a sex toy. This is getting pretty grotesque. "Chickening out" hints at being interested in the first place. I don't know too many women or men who'd have to turn over in their heads the notion of doing foul things w/ a guy who more than likely smells of chicken feces even after bathing. Someone might be in to that. Someone w/out a gag reflex (I don't mean that in an oral sex sense).

*Virgo "A woman will view your clothing w/ disdain & offer you club soda." Bad joke.

*Libra "You'll attend a party that reminds you of a bowl of cereal full of fruits, nuts, & dates." First, you need some fruits & nuts to spice up a party. Aren't dates dried up fruit? Who'd want a dried up date? Not the fruit but an actual romantic interest... Who'd be at a party thinking about cereal? besides a really high stoner who couldn't wait to get back to their apt & watch cartoons....

*Scorpio "You'll be invited to the neighbors for a matzo ball but you won't know what to wear." If you're that culturally ignorant, then wear some of your Nazi memorabilia attire.

*Sagittarius "A grammarian will make rude comments about your dangling participle" that's pretty clever, I guess. unless your sexual partner is the grammarian.

*Capricorn "A fisherman will invite you to dinner. Go just for the halibut." Stay to look at his small dinghy. Surprised that she didn't say that too.

*Aquarius "A foreigner will misinterpret your body language & take you up on an offer." What's w/ all the references to stumbling into a bad sexual situation? People who follow the nonsense of the zodiac must be really paranoid about rape.

*Pisces "A phrenologist will ask to look at your wife's bumps." He's a doctor of small bumps. He's not a plastic surgeon wanting to give your wife bigger boobs.

Crematia has a dirty mind.

2 1/2 stars

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GoodBadFlicks.com : "Bad Channels" *Orson Welles "War of the Worlds" radio airwaves alien panic meets early 1990s rock & roll cheese plus Full Moon Horror productions animatronics special fx work. Starring quirky & energetic MTV vj Martha Quinn.* close to 3 stars for the review

Idiot Box starring Alex Winter: Episode 1 *Raw animal urges & accounting.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Clerks TV Show Pilot (Disney) 1995 *So sanitized, Silent Bob would have Tourettes trying to sit through it. Jim Breuer would fit in pretty well w/ Jason Mewes.* close to 2 stars

The Daily Show w/ Craig Kilborn: 1996 Bill Clinton & Bob Dole Presidential Debate Coverage *Kilborn struggles to connect w/ the studio audience (I believe there was one & it wasn't just the crew laughing. Or maybe it was. Often quiet.. only minimal laughing noise). The correspondents of the Daily Show invade their first of many major political events. You could tell that the major news journalists didn't really know how to react to it. Nothing interesting to report from the snoozer debate. News of Sammy Hagar fired from Van Halen. A funny bit called "Tesh History" that I forgot about & remember liking back in the day. Craig interviews old school entertainers Joe Balogna & his wife Renee Taylor.* 2 stars

Nickelodeon Arcade (featuring the stars of Nick's Salute Your Shorts) *Donkey Lips & Buttlick (the redheaded scumbag pal of Edward Furlong in Terminator 2) go to a gameshow arcade ran by a quirky black dude in a colorfully loud shirt. The type of arcade that moms imagine. Ones w/ a green screen like on the weather channel & where kids wear bike helmets plus elbow & knee pads just to be safe.* 2 1/2 stars (fond childhood memory)

Reading Rainbow: The Salamander Room (1994) *LeVar visits a NYC zoo rainforest enclosure. Much love to Lynne Thigpen who was the voice of reading the story. An unsung hero of the show. Also, there's a reason the theme song is stuck in many an adult's head years & years after never hearing the song again. Good reason that is.* 3 stars

James Randi debunks an aura reader (youtube) *The aura reader had to pick out the auras or actually sillhouettes of strangers behind a thin white sheet. 2 out of 5 ain't bad, given it's all a game of chance & aura reading is bullshit. But, if I were the aura reader, I would claim that the 1920s style barbershop quartet top hats threw off their chakras.* 2 stars

---- TV Carnage:

*Seamless: On Dr. Phil, today a murder confession, tomorrow the tale of a clutterbug.* 3 stars

*The Bottom Line Is Nice Hair! No Matter How You Get It!: "There's a new you waiting" & he has teased bangs but no bald spot.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Your Inner Piece: If you are wise, you won't let a white guy wanna be yoga master (yogi) put you into all kinds of awkward stretching positions that resemble sex positions.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Women Look Amazing When They Fight: Noogies & short shorts. I miss America's Roman gladiatorial days of sexist lady athletics.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sylvia Dogs Do Rule Heaven: Saint Peter has a St. Bernard.* 2 stars

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Beavis & Butthead: Don't Call Me Dude - Scatterbrain *If you don't know the dude, it's rude.* 2 stars w/ riffing close to 2 stars w/out

Uncharted Zone: Gemma Cretella - Thesis Antithesis Synthesis *Pretentiously wordy hipster techno music white rapper.* 1 1/2 stars

Robocop: Zone Five *This series continues to borrow heavy from Batman & Frank Miller. There's a drug hitting the streets of Old Detroit that's similar to The Joker's laughing gas. The bureaucrats have turned a section of the most crime ridden part of the city over to vigilantes who secretly are the criminals supplying the drug. There's a psychiatrist agreeing w/ the criminals & he's a lot like Dr. Crane in Batman Begins. Robocop's son almost gets corrupted by the vigilantes, similar to a lot of Robin stories.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax versus 70's Commercials from CBS's presentation of the Star Wars Holiday Special *"Always look for the union label" & the "extreme melodrama."* 3 stars w/ riffing 2 1/2 stars w/out

Occult Demon Cassette presents "Never Be A Victim" (1990s Stranger Danger) *Be alert, aware, & filled w/ awful anxiety. Has friendly Irish-Canadian police officer Jim scared the shit out of you, w/ his helpful hints about the horrific, yet or not?* either 1 or 2 stars

"Madman" (1982) w/ commentary from cast & crew *Trends don't always have to be a bad thing. Following in the footsteps of Friday the 13th & Halloween, some young, determined filmmakers scrounge together enough resources to take a camp legend & turn it into another great entry into the early days of the 80s slasher genre.* 3 plus stars w/ commentary 3 stars w/out

American Gothic: Inhumanitas *To living we owe respect. To the dead we owe the truth. To the devil, Lucas Buck, a crooked lawyer owes money & also a corrupted preacher owes his soul.* close to 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the horrible CGI / unintentionally funny scene of a poor, old, black man's head on the body of the angel sister pretending to be a waitress.

"Warlock Moon" w/ audio commentary from Joe Bob Briggs *According to Joe Bob, San Francisco & Austin indie filmmakers may have traded ideas about turning the classic children's fable "Hansel & Gretel" into a horror flick. He suspects much marijuana was smoked in the process (ha). San Francisco produced this one, Warlock Moon, which Joe Bob says should have went by its other, much better title "Blood Spa." The Austin connection makes it very similar to & almost a sister film of "Saw" (Texas Chain, that is).*

3 stars w/ commentary & 2 stars w/out

The Higgins Boys & Gruber: Skinny Wizard *Tired of spending your weekend either jamming out to metal in your kitchen/den/living room combo or going to the mall w/ your devil worshiping friend Thad? Straighten up, thanks to The Parents Coalition for Good Tunes.* 2 1/2 stars

Jerry Springer: "I'm In Love With A Gay Vampire" *You'd think that it'd be a drain, but they're great emotional & spiritual support in a relationship or affair.* 1 star

Duran Duran: Rio (Literal Video Version) *"Sweet air saxophone dude, dude, dude, dude..."*

running from 2 to close to 2 1/2 starsw/ literal & close to 2 1/2 stars for actual

"Dirty Shary" ---xxx--- (1985) *She's got a 44. No, not a handgun. A 44 double d breast size & she's using it to somehow help take down a white slavery sex ring.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Cheaters: Anesthesiologist Finds Cougar Wife Cheating *Menopause shouldn't mean a skanky girls nite out addict should pause gettin' some from douchebag hunks just 'cause her hubbie specializes in dulling sensitivity.* zero stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell *"Leaves behind the "great" smell of brute." Joel also leaves behind a great legacy, fleeing in an escape pod after this awful movie. This movie is more anti-drug idiotic than Reefer Madness. Joe Don runs around being a supposed to be loveable drunk, but isn't, always chugging a six pack & shooting first or causing someone else's violent demise, even at one point an innocent helicopter cop partner. However, he's on his moral high horse in forced comedic interactions w/ his high class escort girlfriend who he's always shoving around & hauling off to jail for a small amount of marijuana. Hypocritical. That's on top of the rest shit movie smeared in 70s era country western trucker lowlife swagger Americana b.s. (not just in the also awful soundtrack & not in any cool way).*

more than 2 stars w/ Joel's last MST3K riff & 1 star w/out

5 Dollar Wresling: Storm Maverick, Your Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar *He body slams his pillow, even though it's also his amigo, on his grandma's living room floor.* close to 3 stars

--- TBS Commercials May 12, 1988 (Part 3 on Youtube) ran during the Superstation Movie Presentation of "The Savage Bees":

*The announcer lady talks about how Thursday at 8:00pm prime time, TBS will be showing The Dirty Dozen w/ Lee Marvin & Ernest Borgnine. That shows the huge difference in old school TBS & modern "Very Funny" TBS. The Dirty Dozen is very manly whereas TBS's modern primetime lineup of "Big Bang Theory" is very unmanly.

*Preview for Frank Sinatra as a guest on Larry King Live on sister network CNN.

*80s mallrat tween girls dance about because Lee 'Press On Nails' have just been made for smaller hands.

*Partly animated Murine earwax removal system commercial. My grandparents were of the Depression/WW2 generation. By the late 80s, they were already retired & living comfortably. Products & ads like this remind me so much of their medicine cabinet. TBS reminds me of them, as well. Old war movies, westerns, & Americana sitcoms / dramas.

*A New York Giants linebacker, in full gear, in his locker room spraying athletes foot cure spray on his toes. The brand is NP-27, & the can couldn't have a more generic yellow & red color scheme design or bland logo. Probably why the product didn't last...

*Sleepinal to help 80s adults fall asleep fast. The milquetoast ad man for Sleepinal puts me to sleep just looking at & hearing speak.

*Quirky promo for prehistoric time travel feature "The Land that Time Forgot" on Grandpa Munster's Super Scary Saturday on the Superstation.

*Remember those old Time Life music compilation commercials? The ones where some forgotten entertainer would stand alone in a studio & sing a few lines from each of their hit songs? Well, here's one for "Get the Very Best of Ray Stevens" & Ray is at his best (worst?) as he sings his tunes while dressed up in costumes fitting each silly song. Whitetrash variety

*"Munster, Go Home" promo coming on Saturday afternoon on the Superstation.

Ah, I so miss old school TBS Superstation

A very biased for nostalgia reasons 3 stars

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Extended Play on Tech TV 10/12/2001? *Extended Play was such a better name than X Play. X for xtreme, I guess, sounds like something a group of smarmy ad people sat around & did focus groups to come up with a "cool" title. Adam Sessler a thick head of spiky Billy Idol hair too. There's also no nerd sex object Morgan Webb to lust over. Talk with a visionary computer gaming studio ,Xulu, who wanted to have a realistic space travel simulator. Sad news that the already dead, at the time, Sega Dreamcast wouldn't be getting Shenmue 2, & instead X Box would. Preview for the classic, cute, & addictive "Super Monkey Ball."* 2 stars

Cracked.com : Why 28 Days Later is Secretly About Sex *Everything in this running zombies(? infected?) flick is a metaphor over frustration about humans' urges surrounding fucking.* either 1 star or 3

Brass Eye: Science *Some people say that heavy electricity isn't real. Those people aren't idiots or celebrities looking to be cool standing up for a cause they pretend to understand.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Forbidden Transmission 2: Cultural Fallout *Let's all smoke pot, dat damn fried chicken, do fag stuff. Shucky ducky, quack quack. Grab a slut & pee in her butt* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Baby Grobags *Planned Parenthood presents Baby Grobags from the makers of Hot Pockets. These bundles of joy are smarter than a 5th grader & an adult.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Cinema Insomnia w/ Mr. Lobo: Bigfoot, Mysterious Monster

*Retro 1970s ad for Mattel's Creepy Crawlers 'Thingmaker 2' from an era when little girls wore granny sized eye glasses. Awesome.

*Some 1960s era Go-Go dancing w/ upskirt shots of nice legs in pantyhose & white jungle babes.

*Mr. Lobo wants the viewer to suspend disbelief for the "Godfather of Grunge" Bigfoot

*1950s sci fi film star Peter Graves comes on camera, very grim, to tell the viewers of the film about its earnestness in documenting the truth about Bigfoot (snicker) & to warn them of the horror (let the exploitation begin).

*Vintage trailer for King Kong vs. Godzilla. In it, an American scientist talks about how King Kong's brain is bigger. Go America, boo Japan! Our monster is smarter. But did we not kidnap Kong from Skull Island in the Pacific? Shhh! He's a Yankee, now!

*Lobo & Graves both talk about the Loch Ness monster. Of course, Lobo does it more tongue in cheek. Loch Ness vs. Bigfoot... about as close as we could actually come to King Kong vs. Godzilla. That is if all the crazies are right & reality isn't.

*Parody of those old soft rock romance cd ads that would play on t.v. This one is for cult sci fi character Krankor. For only 9 payments of $9.99 own Candles, Krankor, & You. It will make you want to hug your significant other on a sunset beach while the waves gently break on your feet. Ah... romantic.

*Nice bumpers for Cinema Insomnia using old cartoons. One has a giant, angry motor oil can chasing a cute something or other...

*Lobo is keeping up w/ the latest crypto weirdo through UFO magazines & such.

*Graves tries to pass off modern lizards' ties to ancient times, including the funny little running on two legs lizard complete w/ wacky sound effects, to prove the possibility of Sasquatch... He's no Darwin.

*1950s ad for Gravy Train dog food "Makes it's own gravy" & "looks like beef stew" if you believe Johnny, the hound's owner. Go ahead, Johnny, take a bite. You know you wanna.

*"This could be your terror!" "This could be your city!" so it says in a vintage trailerf or Rodan. The early days of the atomic age had people actually wondering if that were true or not. Or at least shelling out a nickel or dime to see monster carnage.

*American history lesson on Sasquatch. He ("they") migrated from Asia. Oh, no, don't tell Donald Trump. Also, a Brit team, in the 1800s, possibly captured a young one & named it "Jacko." Hmm... a young, repressed weird boylike creature named "Jacko"... Why am I reminded of a chimp named "Bubbles" & a pursuit of The Elephant Man's bones...

*Lobo is having stomach problems out in a park restroom on his hunt for Bigfoot. He'll find another big, hairy manlike creature instead. The North American Gay Bear fetishist.

*Gigantis, the Fire Monster trailer. Bigfoot as an excuse for all the kaiju krazy

*Graves tries to argue the importance of oral statements on Bigfoot to a scientist. The scientist doesn't buy it. He wants hard scientific evidence. Graves brings up the fact that the courts relied on such testimony. Thank science for physical scientific evidence coming into play more now in the courts. It's not 100 percent perfect, yet, but it's far better than a jury believing the same person, in a real trial of importance, who had earlier given a sworn report on their encounter w/ a mythical creature.

*An adult Bigfoot believer recounts his time out camping w/ his Boy Scout troop when Bigfoot was caught sniffing their underwear late one night. This caused the boys to squeal like a Girl Scout. This only proves that Bigfoot belongs not in the list of known species but instead on that of sex offenders.

*Chilly Dilly "The Personality Pickle" a cartoon pickle spokesperson who looks like Jimminy Cricket. A portable pickle snack. Snacks have come a long long way. Picklemania ran wild.

*Lobo visits w/ the director of "Bloodthirst, the Legend of the Chupacabra." American woodsmen are afraid of Bigfoot & Mexican desertmen(?) fear "Goat Sucker."

*Trailer for the above mentioned flick. Looks very low budget & shot on video. Also like a vampire flick instead of a monster flick. The director explained that he believed the Chupacabra was actually another Mexican/South American legend called the Mocha or something Vampire. He admits fans & critics hated his Chupacabra re-imagining & I can easily see why. It sucks.

*Chocolate Toddy dairy bar snack in a can. It's 1950s white people approved. Mooooooo! The poor dairy bar worker guy. What a lame uniform.

*Suburban Sportsman is odd & I don't know what to make of it. A sort of travelogue of Area 51 conspiracy theorist visiting the base, looking at dead sheep corpses, & then going out on the salt desert to use their high powered pistols to shoot lizards for lunch.

*Again, Cinema Insomnia makes good use of stock footage for their bumpers. Comforting midnight jazz & a moon filmed for some long ago tropical flick now shown in timelapse sliding across the night's horizon. Doing late night tv, right.

*Escape from the Planet of the Apes trailer. When the apes arrived here via space ship to the astonishment of the U.S. army. The Ancient Aliens tv show guy w/ the crazy hair... He looks like a Tim Burton concept sketch for his Apes failure of a movie.

*Graves visits a psychic detective w/ a Bigfoot plaster cast hidden in a suitcase. The quack guesses correctly. If it weren't obvious that Graves was fucking w/ the viewer, before, it should be now.

*Lobo tries to hypnotize a waitress into revealing whether or not she served Bigfoot a cup of Joe as one of her countless customers over the years.

*Trailer for the awesome looking stop motion 50s giant monster flick "The Black Scorpion."

*Lame & long winded joke interview w/ a 5th grade teacher about Bigfoot being his former student. Only gets funny w/ a short part about Bigfoot hitting puberty & being smelly.

*1940s looking safety film clip about numbskulls taking risks & turning into grotesque looking figures wearing scary as shit masks from that time period. I think the masks were supposed to make them look like comical fools, but to the modern eye it's ole timey uncanny valley horrifying.

*Lobo sits on a nice pier interviewing Bigfoot's awkward prom date who seems to never have gotten over that night. She claims Bigfoot had a tiny penis.

*Lobo talks w/ Bigfoot's former roommate in college. The hipster playing the part makes sure the shot is framed w/ a Buffy cast photo magazine, a Doctor Who laser disc or vinyl album, & his Superfriends cartoon t-shirt.

*A bunch of hippy investigators went out in the woods w/ tranquilizer guns & cameras to find evidence to force the scientific community to "take a more active role in the hunt for Bigfoot" according to Graves. Also according to Graves, they only came back w/ a handful of fecal matter & hair. Sounds about right. Hippies + or - Bigfoot = Hair + Shit.

either fair or folly for Peter Graves pseudo documentary, 3 stars for Cinema Insomnia's ads & bumpers, more than 2 1/2 stars Lobo, close to fair for the guests

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Chiller Theater Presents: Doctor Moreau's Happy Pills (youtube) *If only they'd invent a solution to everyday ills.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Marc Maron Predicts the Future" (youtube) *Doomed, bored, & further restricted. Marc nailed it.* close to 3 stars

Rich Hall: Supermarket Sniglets --1983-- (youtube) *Made up words that should be in the dictionary. An early urban dictionary, but more cleverly absurd & stomachable & not awful slang related.* close to 3 stars

Bill Maher's "Religulous" *Take it on faith & do it because you've always done it, dammit.*

more than 2 1/2 stars

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