#get your ass absolutely rect

[anglbrkr]

Making Rent [Orc/Male Reader]🔞

Making Rent

Ive got chu ;)

Content Warning: Abuse of power, assault, dubcon, massive size difference bro, it will hurt, this dudes huge, amab genitalia, reader is so petite and shy, pretty straight to the point

this is longer than 1k, so, if you see typos

you dont :)

2.8k words

[N] arrives at a dilapidated building in the slums of the city. Until he can reach the social heights he desires, he’ll have to stay here, the thought bringing a distasteful taste to his tongue. The human knocks on the door, the handle dwarfing his hand, which then is opened by a large, burly orc. His skin is an olive green, veins bulging on his arms, and his wild hair tied back. "Yes?" he growls.

Gulping, [N] cranes his head to properly meet the eyes of the orc man, gripping the hem of his tunic. "H-Hello, sir, I am [N]. I-I'm looking for shelter, a place to stay for a while..."

The orc perks up slightly at his words and gestures to him inside. The inside of the building is not much better than the outside, with dirty walls and a grimy floor. The human feels the orc clasp the small of his waist, sending a shot of dread to the pit of his stomach. "A small thing like you don't need much space, hm?" He asks, his voice jovial, but his wandering hand has perverted intent that causes [N] to freeze.

"Forgive me, sir, I didn't mean to-", [N] stutters, but the orc's only response is to give a loud, cackling laugh.

"Cute lil thing," he laughs, his large hand going lower, rough fingers kneading his clothed arse. The human grits his teeth, but doesn't struggle against the orc's advances. If he causes a scene, he'll probably kick his ass, but if [N] plays along, he’d be able to escape. The human’s cheeks heat up as he continues his antics, eyes fluttering just the slightest when the orc squeezes harder. "Be a good boy for me, and I might let you stay a whole," he grins, leaning in close to [N]’s ear.

The human swallows, gritting his teeth.

"My name's Mobrukk, nice to meet ya, pretty boy," Mobrukk grins, his breath reeking of malt liquor. [N] nods, ignoring Mobrukk’s gaze and his actions to his best ability. Mobrukk's groping at the human’s behind becomes more intense, and [N], whose head reaches the orc’s chest, doesn’t have to look far to see the orc’s arousal press against his trousers. "I'll bet ya don't even know how to use that lovely body ya got, ya frisky little cucco," Mobrukk says, a mischievous glint in his eye. A soft breath escapes [N]’s lips, feeling Mobrukk’s hand curve under his behind to his crotch, his fingers slowly rubbing the human’s member through his pants. [N] winces but tries to remain strong. "Now I can help ya with that, ya realize that?" Mobrukk teases, before giving [N] another squeeze, this time harder.

The human winces and a low groan escapes his throat, his eyes fluttering shut. He bites his plump lower lip, unconsciously moving his hips to Mobrukk’s perverted touches, his eyes fluttering open as he becomes lost in the sensations, his cock twitching from the stimulation.

"I can give you a place to stay, pretty thing, don't even have to give me your gold," the orc whispers huskily, "pretty lil’ humans like you shouldn't have to lift a finger, eh," he continues, his touch becoming more passionate, "ya feel me, boy?" Mobrukk whispers roughly into [N]'s ear, the human biting back a moan himself, his cock throbbing beneath the fabric. "You're so hard... it must be all my fault." Mobrukk chuckles, pulling away slightly, leaving [N] panting. The human's heart is beating like a dragonfly's wings. The smell of the orc's musk fills [N]'s nose, making the human's mind foggy, his breathing ragged. "What do you say? Do we make an arrangement or what?" Mobrukk asks, grinning widely gulping loudly, nodding, unable to think straight. "I just need you to sit on my cock every now and then, yea," he continues, his other hand gripping [N]'s jaw tightly, forcing the human to look up at him. "Just gotta keep yer mouth shut about it, right, pretty boy?" The orc smirks, pushing [N] towards a door, slamming it open to reveal an office. "If ya want a roof over your head, ya just follow orders, alright?"

[N] feels himself being pushed against a table, wincing as his back harshly presses against the wood. Mobrukk's thick fingers tug at his pants, ripping them off easily. The human gasps, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his shaft straining to break free of its prison. Mobrukk grabs onto [N]'s erection, squeezing tight, causing the human to gasp. "Mmm, ain't ya a hot one, huh?" The orc mumbles, running his thumb across the tip of [N]'s engorged cock and teasing him.

[N] whimpers, clutching the edge of the desk, his knees weak. The human wants to beg, and plead for mercy but knows there isn't any coming from Mobrukk. The sight of the orc's large hand dwarfing his cock sends waves of pleasure coursing throughout [N]'s body, his legs trembling. He feels Mobrukk's warm breath on the side of his neck as he leans closer, pressing his lips to his cheek, whispering lewd things into his ear. "Ya know, I could take care of ya real well, pretty boy..." Mobrukk purrs, nibbling at the human's earlobe, his hands stroking [N]'s thighs. "I could stretch that arse of yours wide open, fill ya with up..." The human shudders, his cock twitching, wanting desperately to burst, dripping precum down his thigh.

Mobrukk kisses [N], his tongue slipping between his lips. [N] moans lowly, his toes curling as Mobrukk slips his hand around [N]'s cock, jerking him off roughly. The taste of Mobrukk's tongue against his own makes the human buck uncontrollably, his balls tightening. His hips thrust forward, meeting Mobrukk's hand, his dick throbbing within the orc's grip. The human whines, moaning deeply as Mobrukk begins sucking his nipple gently through his tunic. "Ah... no, please.." [N] begs quietly, whimpering, his legs shaking. Mobrukks' tongue swirls around his sensitive nipples before darting back to his ear, licking the lobe seductively. The human lets out a muffled cry, shuddering, his whole body taut.

"That's it, pretty boy," Mobrukk whispers, watching the human desperately buck into his hand, "cum for me..." The orc's hand pumps faster, eliciting a louder moan from [N]. The human bucks wildly, crying out, his entire body tensed. With a final, powerful thrust, [N] explodes, spurting ropes of cum, his body arching off the surface, and a high-pitched keening escaping his throat.

His body shakes as his orgasm subsides, his shoulders drooping heavily. He lays limp on the table, panting and sweating profusely. The human watches dazedly as Mobrukk licks his fingertips clean, smacking his lips. "Well now that's some fine fucking," the orc grunts happily, standing up to stretch, "now come here, sweetheart..." [N] blinks blearily, trying to process everything. It takes a few seconds for him to realize the orc was talking to him.

Slowly, he rises to his feet, swaying unsteadily. The human glances nervously at Mobrukk, who smiles at him reassuringly, but there’s an edge. [N] walks hesitantly toward the orc, taking hold of his wrist.

"Don't worry, pretty boy, I won't hurt you too badly," Mobrukk murmurs soothingly, kissing [N] on the forehead. [N] shivers lightly at the kiss, but remains silent, allowing himself to be led upstairs. "Yer gonna ride me, nice and good on a proper bed," Mobrukk explains, guiding [N] into a bedroom, and shutting the door behind him. [N] stares blankly at the room, unsure of what to expect.

There's a huge four-poster bed with a canopy hanging above it, and plush pillows are strewn haphazardly across the mattress. "This my finest room, pretty boy, and it could be all yers if ya play by my rules," Mobrukk informs him, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Now, strip," He commands, gesturing towards his clothing. [N] quickly pulls his shirt over his head and drops it beside him, staring awkwardly at Mobrukk, watching the orc reveal himself, there’s no denying that muscle makes up most of his physique.. The human's eyes flicker towards Mobrukk's cock, thicker than his forearm, longer too, and so heavy that even when erect it has trouble standing up, flopping limply against his stomach.

"Alrighty, now hop up on my lap, pretty boy," Mobrukk instructs, patting his thigh. [N] moves carefully, stepping gingerly onto the bed, careful not to fall. Mobrukk's cock twitches the closer he gets, veins protruding from its length, the human gulping audibly. He swears it has a noticeable musk, the scent filling [N]'s nostrils and sending chills down his spine.

"Now put that arse of yours on display for me, hm?" Mobrukk grins, grabbing [N]'s waist and lifting him effortlessly into his arms. The human squeaks softly as he is lifted higher and placed atop his lap, his bare skin pressed against the orc's hairy torso. [N]'s legs wrap around the orc's muscular waist, his arms wrapping themselves around Mobrukk's broad shoulders, clinging tightly to him. "Ooh yeah, pretty boy likes being taken like this, doesn't he?" Mobrukk growls, leaning forwards, capturing [N]s' lips with his own, their tongues intertwining hungrily.

[N] moans softly, his body melting under the orcs touch. Their tongues dance together, slithering against each other sensually.The human whimpers deep in his throat, his hips beginning to rock slowly, rubbing his cock against Mobrukk's stomach. His breathing quickens as the heat between his legs increases, his cock swelling. The human breaks off from the kiss, gasping for air, looking up at Mobrukk shyly

"P-promise to be gentle...?" [N] pleads timidly, his voice quivering. Mobrukk chuckles, reaching down with both hands and cupping [N]'s cheeks, giving the human a tender peck on the lips before letting go. It's the last gentle touch the human feels before being flipped onto his stomach, his ass propped up in the air, exposed and vulnerable. Mobrukk smirks, sliding a hand underneath him, tracing the line of [N]'s spine.

"Don't worry, I'll treat ya real good, baby..." Mobrukk promises, planting a firm smack on [N]'s rump, eagerly spreading his cheeks.

A loud groan escapes the human's lips, his body writhing beneath Mobrukk's touch, begging for attention. "Please...!" [N] whimpers, his back arching involuntarily as Mobrukk rubs the tip of his cock along [N]'s anus, teasing him mercilessly. The human bites his lip hard enough to draw blood, feeling himself growing hotter and harder by the second. Mobrukk laughs darkly, spreading [N]'s ass further apart, revealing the ring of flesh hidden inside, the human's hole gaping obscenely.

"Look at ya, you were so shy before, must've been real pent up," Mobrukk teases. He presses the tip of his cock against [N]'s puckered asshole, making the human let out an agonized whine, his hips bucking helplessly against Mobrukk's grip. "Begging and pleading for me to fuck that tight little arsehole..." Mobrukk slides his cock along the rim of [N]'s opening, teasing him mercilessly, his cock throbbing with desire. He pushes forward just slightly, forcing his way past the tight ring of muscle, only a fraction of his cock entering the human's body. [N]'s mouth falls open, his eyes crossing as the searing pain radiates through his entire lower half.

"Oh Gods..." [N] moans pitifully, biting his lip. His body reacts harshly, unable to stay still under Mobrukk's grasp, but the orc holds fast to him easily, pinning him to the bed. Mobrukk eases his hips forward, pushing another inch or two into the human, stretching his insides painfully. The human whimpers, tears springing to his eyes as Mobrukk continues to force himself deeper into him, every thrust driving home the reality of how much bigger and stronger than [N] he truly is. The human knows he's tearing inside, his mind screaming out in protest as the orc stretches his body wide open.

Mobrukk's thick member reaches the end of [N]'s tunnel, resting firmly against the base of his pelvis, leaving the rest of his shaft buried inside the human, unable to move without pulling free.

"All in while raw, didn't even need to lube you up," Mobrukk grunts, rolling his hips, rocking his cock back and forth inside the human, coating his inner walls in a slick layer of precum. [N] whimpers loudly, his body trembling, sweat dripping from his brow. He can feel Mobrukk's warm breath on his neck, the orc's hand stroking his hair lovingly. "I bet ya never felt anything this big before huh?" Mobrukk growls lewdly, slapping [N]'s butt roughly. The human cries out sharply, clutching at the sheets, his muscles tense. "You're mine now, lil' slut, got no choice but to take it like a man..." Mobrukk pants, continuing to slide his dick in and out of [N], the human whimpering continuously, his entire body shaking uncontrollably.

"Mnf..." [N]'s eyes droop, his eyelids flickering rapidly. His fingers dig into the orc’s shoulders, nails scraping harshly against his skin, and his toes curling. A low hum fills his ears, his heart beating frantically, his whole body burning with pain. "Oh gods, oh gods..." The human's voice cracks, his chest rising and falling in short shallow breaths as he struggles to keep control. Every time Mobrukk forces himself deeper into him, [N] a silent scream threatens to escape him, his lungs straining to pull oxygen into his starved body.

"So sensitive," Mobrukk growls lowly, gripping [N]'s hip tightly, hissing as he drove himself balls deep inside the human, eliciting a high-pitched scream from the smaller male. "C'mon pretty boy, cum for me, make yourself useful," Mobrukk taunts, pounding away relentlessly at [N]'s abused arsehole. [N] lets out a pathetic moan, shuddering violently as Mobrukk's cock plunders his bowels, again and again, drool spilling from the corners of his slack jaw.

"N-no please, stop," [N] begs weakly, tears streaming down his face, “‘S too much... too rough..." His words are drowned out by Mobrukk's harsh grunts, the orc slamming his cock into [N] repeatedly, the sound echoing throughout the room. [N] purses his lips, trying desperately to maintain some semblance of composure despite the intense pleasure coursing through his body, but moans eventually spill from his mouth. "’S too big, too big…" he dumbly whispers, moaning incoherently. Laying limply on the orc’s lap, he can’t bring himself to meet the thrusts, drool falling freely from his mouth. Without warning, he feels Mobrukk’s cock press against something every other thrusts, eliciting a breathless whimper, clenching around the length each time this area was pressed against. milking it dry.

"That it?" Mobrukk snarls lustfully, thrusting one final time, burying himself balls deep within the human." No more crying? You want me ta finish yeh here then?" He taunts, squeezing the human's hips as he ruts into him. The head of his cock aims directly where his prostate lies, eliciting a guttural groan from the human, his muscles spasming erratically as Mobrukk fucks him senseless.

"Oh gods! Right there, right there..." He croons in response to the small sounds coming from the human's throat. The orc grips the human's waist tighter, grunting as he drives his cock in and out, hitting his prostate on every stroke, setting off waves of pleasure that radiate throughout the human's body. Each thrust sends shockwaves of ecstasy shooting through the human's frame, causing his already sore body to convulse wildly, until finally, all resistance is lost, and his orgasm overtakes him. His entire body shakes and shudders, his mouth gaping open wordlessly, his tongue lolling from his mouth. His vision blurs, everything going black before returning in a white haze. All sense leaves him, his world nothing more than the searing hot pleasure that repeatedly thrust into his guts, pressing intimately against a bundle of nerves that send jolt after jolt racing through his body, bathing his brain in euphoric warmth.

His climax lasts for several seconds, but feels like hours, his mind becoming fuzzy and distant until finally, mercifully, it passes, his body relaxing as the tension leaves his muscles, his breathing returning to normal. He lays limp atop Morbrukk, allowing the orc to rut into him to chase his own pleasure, the sounds of his thighs hitting his arse echoing in his ears. After a few minutes, Mobrukk begins to slow down, pulling his cock almost entirely out of [N] before plunging back in, grunting heavily. He ruts into the human as he orgasms, his hot, thick seed pooling deep within [N]'s guts.

"Gods..." [N] mewls, panting lightly, his legs hanging limply over the edge of the mattress, his eyes closed. The human's back arches reflexively when Mobrukk pulls out, his hole clenching tightly around Mobrukk's spent cock, milking the orc dry. Mobrukk pulls out completely, collapsing on the bed with the human on top of him, panting. Mobrukk wraps one arm around [N] possessively, holding him close.

"Look at ya," Mobrukk murmurs quietly, brushing a lock of [N]'s hair behind his ear, "all soft for me," The human snuggles closer to Mobrukk, burying his head into the orc's neck, nuzzling affectionately. His arse is sore, leaking thick globs of the orc's seed, but the thought makes him smile happily. He doesn't care about that right now; all he cares about is being held in orc’s arms.

[wonderwomanfantasy]

Aniversery with Oikawa

this fic has been bouncing around my head for months I am obsessed. 

Oikawa x Fem!reader

warnings: smut, bunny boy, pegging, dom sub relationships, collaring, fem!dom, overstim, Daddy/ Mommy kink,  spanking, hair pulling, Twunk Oikawa content 

word count: 1,300 (about)

Summary: bunny boy Oikawa gets rect lmao

“Toru? what are you up to babe?” you asked knocking on the bathroom door. He had been in there for a suspiciously long time and you were starting to get conserned. 

There was a loud clatering sound as Oikawa yelped. “I’m fine!” 

you doubted it. “you sure baby?” you called. 

“well actually I might need a little help- but close your eyes!” he ordered he sounded closer to the door. 

“how am I supposed to help you if my eyes are closed?” you huffed

“Just do it!” you sighed and closed your eyes

“Alright Bunny my eyes are closed now let me help,” you said and heard the door open. Toru took your hand and guided it to his back 

“zip me up will you? I can’t reach it,” he said and you tugged the zipper up once you found it. 

“Can I look now?” you asked.

“Absolutely not I haven’t even put my heals on yet,” he said

“heals? what the fuck are you wearing?” you couldn’t help yourself, and your eyes fluttered open. 

Oikawa was dressed in a bunny girl suit, complete white cuffs and a collar with a bow tie. He hadn’t put on his ear headband yet but you could guess it was hiding in the bathroom. 

“Well now you’ve just ruined the surprise,” he pouted. He was wearing matching black thigh highs that squeezed his legs making a small amount of pudge where the fabric met his legs. you couldn’t tear your eyes away from him. 

His pecs filled the cups of the costume just like breasts would, his tan skin looked good against the black faux leather. 

“Damn this is one hell of a surprise Bunny,” you said licking your lips. 

“yeah well it would have been a lot better if you had just waited for me,” he whined crossing his toaned arms over his chest. 

“I’m sorry Bunny, You finish up and I’ll get my surprise for you,” you offered and he perked up 

“you got me a present?” 

“of course I did, it is our anniversary after all,” you purred. 

Oikawa was sitting prettily on the bed once you reentered the bedroom, his bunny outfit completed with the ears and heals he had been missing earlier. 

“Awe what a pretty bunny for me,” you cooed making him blush. 

“don’t tease me like that,” he whined his cheeks going pink 

“I’m not teasing, I mean it, you’re so pretty and all mine, I can believe it,” you said sitting in his lap and cupping his jaw and pressing quick kisses to his cheekbone. 

“hmpf don’t think about distracting me, I want my present,” he pouted. you pulled the box from behind your back and handed to him. 

Oikawa’s eyes went wide and his mouth fell into a O shape. 

“A collar? for me?” he asked pulling out said collar. It was thin black leather with a silver ring in the middle for hooking a leash too. It was simple but you knew it would look good on him. 

“if you want it,” you said undoing his bowtie and collar that went with his bunny costume, and running over his adams apple with your thumb. 

“of course I want it!” he shouted quickly putting the collar on. it did look good on him. 

“gorgeous bunny,” you praised hooking your finger through the loop and tugging him forward pressing your lips to his. You let your hands wander over his muscular body while your tongue slipped into his mouth making him moan slightly. Oikawa clenched his fists in the sheets, too obedient to touch you without permission. 

You made yourself comfortable on his lap, running your hands through his hair messing it up slightly. When you pulled back his face was flushed and he was panting slightly. 

“M-Mommy, you can’t be mean to me it’s our anniversary,” he breathed

“and how do you suggest I be nice to you Bunny?” you hummed moving your head to the side to kiss his neck making his moan lightly. 

“I- j-just fuck me already,” he pleaded, shifting under you. 

“how can I say no when you beg so sweetly?” you teased pushing him down on the bed. you hooked your hands under his thighs spreading his legs. you pushed the thin band covering his ass. 

“now what is this?” you questioned seeing the jewled plug already inside of him. you were pretty sure that you didn’t give him permission for this. 

“I just thought that everything would go faster if I streached myself out,” he admitted, looking away from you. 

“mm and you didn’t think to ask me beforehand?” you asked, squishing his cheeks and forcing him to look at you. 

“surprise?” 

You hummed and fisted your hand in his hair tugging on the silky strands. “I’ll go easy on you tonight but don’t think that I’ll let you go completely off the hook,” you decided. You slid off of him grabbing Oikawa’s favorite strap on sliding it up to your legs the black dildo bobbing as you did. 

you shifted back on your heals and crossed your arms over your chest 

“I know what you’re thinking bunny, you can go ahead and lube it up,” you prompted Toru and he egarly hopped down to your levels popping open the bottle you handed him and began slicking down the toy his soft brown eyes not leaving yours. 

“you know I think out of the two of us, you look prettier on your knees stroking cock,” he teased, 

“mm I’m always the prettier one,” you shot back making him frown

“I wouldn’t go that far” he pouted and you jerked him up flipping him on his stomach again. this time pulling the plug out of his ass. He looked so pretty like this, his back arched and the smooth creamy skin of his thighs leading up to his soft rear end inviting you to touch. 

You pulled his cheeks apart slipping the head of the rubber cock inside of him making Oikawa moan wantonly. 

“Tell me, honey, do you want me to be gentle or not?” you asked slowly easing inside of him. 

“you know what I want,” he huffed backing his hips against the toy. you did know what he wanted, that didn’t mean you didn’t want to hear him say it. You slapped his ass and yanked his hair back making him cry out. 

“listen here you brat you’re already on thin ice if you think I won’t pull out and beat you’re ass just to teach you some manners you’re wrong,” you spat and his body trembled slightly.

“I-I’m sorry Mommy please fuck me until I can’t walk I want you to be rough with me,” he whined pathetically. you smiled to yourself. that was better. you let go of his hair letting his head drop back down to the bed. 

you didn’t pull any punches, dragging yourself back and setting a brutal bed shaking pace your hands slapping his ass until it was red, then you switched back to tugging at his hair.

Oikawa was always so loud when you fucked him, His body convulsing with every thrust that  hit his prostate. He was saying something, but the words were so broken and jumbled you didn’t bother even try to understand him. Even then you weren’t done teasing him. 

You reached inside the bunny suit again and pulled out his cock stroking his length while you fucked him. 

“Fuck- Daddy,” he cried out his thighs shaking as he came. his semen splattering across your hands and the sheets. You didn’t stop fucking him as you stoked his cock quickly getting him hard again instantly. 

“(y-y/n) please it’s too much,” he whined as you bounced him up and down your cock. you leaned down and kissed his bare shoulder. 

“you asked for me to be mean bunny”

[jackson38toh]

A cock and bull story

Q: Why is a ridiculous tale called “a cock and bull story”? Was there indeed such a story and did it give rise to the expression?

A: The expression is believed to be derived from an old animal fable, but etymologists have yet to find a story about a cock and a bull that might have inspired it.

The Oxford English Dictionarydescribes the expression as in “its origin apparently referring to some story or fable,” and notes that the “early use of the phrase is parallel to that of the French coq-à-l’âne.”

The French phrase ultimately comes from a 14th-century Middle French expression, sallir du coq en l’asne—literally “to go from the cock to the ass” but figuratively “to jump from one subject to another.” In modern French, the expression is sauter du coq à l’âne.

The earliest example we’ve found is from Respit de la Mort, a 1376 poem in which the French author Jean le Fèvre de Ressons uses it in the sense of going off in different directions:

“Tant ay saillii du coq en l’asne / Et ay divers chemins tenu / Que je suis jusquez chy venu” (“So often I’ve gone from the cock to the ass, and taken such diverse paths, until this is what I’ve come to.”)

The 19th-century lexicographer Émile Littré, in his Dictionnaire de la Langue Française, cites a Middle French example from Le Loyer des Folles Amours, believed written in the late 1400s or early 1500s by the French poet Guillaume Crétin:

“De moi vraiment / Vous vous raillez ; / Trop vous faillez, / Car vous saillez / Du coq en l’asne” (“I really think you’re laughing at yourself. You’re jumping from the cock to the ass.”

Littré notes a theory that the expression may have come from the original fable that inspired The Town Musicians of Bremen, an 1819 Brothers Grimm tale about four animals, including a rooster and a donkey. In English, he says, the donkey became a bull.

However, Littré points out that the Grimm rooster and donkey “produce a terrible confusion” that thwarts a robbery, while the French cock and ass signify jumping “from one subject to another.”

In the 16th century, the French poet Clément Marot sent two rambling letters, or epistles, in verse to his friend Lyon Jamet. They were published as the first and the second Epistre du Coq en l’Asne in 1531 and 1539.

The French phrase entered Scottish English in the early 17th century as “cockalan,” meaning “a comic or ludicrous representation,” according to An Etymological Dictionary of the Scottish Language (1808), by John Jamieson.

The earliest OED example, which we’ve expanded, is from a 1605 entry in the records of Ayr, Scotland, that requires anyone who finds, hears, or sees a rhyme or a cockalan to notify the authorities privately and tell no one else about it:

“In case ony persoun or persouns at ony time sail find, heir or see ony ryme or cokalane, that they sail reveil the same first to ane eldar privatlie, and to na uther.”

The usage soon evolved to mean “a disconnected story, discourse, etc.,” similar to the meaning of coq-à-l’âne in French. The first OED citation for the new sense is from a Jan. 17, 1627, letter by Sir John Wishard:

“Excuse the rather cockaland then Letter from him who carethe not howe disformall his penn’s expression be.”

Meanwhile, the phrase “cock and bull” showed up, first in the expression “to talk of a cock and bull,” which Oxford defines as to tell “a long rambling, idle story.”

The first OED example is from Robert Burton’s The Anatomy of Melancholy (1621): “Some mens only delight is … to talke of a Cock and a Bull ouer a pot.”

The dictionary doesn’t specifically say “cock and bull” comes from coq-à-l’âne, either directly or by way of Scottish English. However, its “cock and bull” entry points readers to the French and Scottish expressions.

In the late 1600s, the phrase “a story of a cock and bull” came to mean a long, rambling, disconnected story, as in this OED example from The Arraignment, Tryal and Condemnation of Stephen Colledge for High-Treason, a 1681 account of the proceedings:

“We call you to that particular of the papers, and you run out in a story of a Cock and a Bull, and I know not what.” (Colledge, a Protestant activist, was convicted of sedition after threatening King Charles II. He was hanged and quartered on Aug. 31, 1681.)

The noun phrase “cock-and-bull story” showed up in the late 1700s, meaning “an idle, concocted, incredible story; a canard,” according to the dictionary.

The first citation is from the March 2, 1795, issue of the Gazette of the United States, a biweekly in Philadelphia: “A long cock-and-a-bull story about the Columbianum [a proposed national college].”

One last note: There’s no etymological evidence to support two cock-and-bull stories about “cock and bull” that are floating around the internet.

The expression is not a corruption of “concocted and bully story,” and it does not come from the gossip of travelers at The Cock and The Bull, two coaching inns in Stony Stratford, England.

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from Blog – Grammarphobia https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2018/04/cock-and-bull.html

[olivereliott]

Gear Of The Year: The Wheel

In “the outdoor industry,” people have thrown around the term “game-changing” for several years, using it to describe a new piece of gear that they think will turn a sport on its head. Like cams, which enabled climbers to efficiently protect and climb cracks, or hydration reservoir backpacks, which made it so hikers and mountain bikers didn’t have to stop what they were doing to drink water.

All that stuff is cool, but you know what really changed the game? The wheel. I mean yeah, cams made rock climbing easier for the 0.1 percent of the population who climb cracks outdoors, but the wheel, holy fucking shit, the wheel changed civilization. Cams are great, but your great-grandmother probably couldn’t care less how they work. The wheel, though? Your great-grandmother gives it two thumbs up.

Unlike that new ultralight high-tech bicycle component that people are drooling over because it saves seven grams, the wheel has been around for thousands of years and has stood up to, if you will, long-term gear reviewing by most of modern civilization. Also, that new bike component is totally useless if there are no wheels under it, FYI.

Skip forward a millennia, and westward migration on the Oregon Trail is made possible by the wagon wheel (and a whole bunch of our badass ancestors who set out on the trail to move west). What does this have to do with adventure? Well, without westward migration, there’s no climbing at Indian Creek, is there? That’s right. Thanks, wheel.

In the 1860s, long before you and your friends were getting aroused by the new hot-shit bicycle wheel size, Eugene Meyer invented the high-wheeler bicycle—the original fixie—and bicycling started to take off as a sport. Yes, please, tell me all about the difference between 29-inch wheels and 27.5-inch wheels, but don’t forget about the O.G. Eugene Meyer, who, not to make you feel inadequate, was straddling a 60-inch wheel. Obviously after that, 150-plus years of people fucking about with bicycle designs eventually led us to the mountain bike, another invention that is rad but would have never happened without standing on the shoulders of that other invention of the wheel. Think about that shit next time you’re shredding singletrack.

And then, of course, in 1886, a vehicle called the “automobile” came along, transforming transportation all around the globe over the next century and paving the way for things like Big Gulps, accidents caused by people looking at their phones while operating 2,000-pound machines, and in the early 2010s, #vanlife. #vanlife, a word that officially begins with a hashtag symbol, is a fantastic way to see the world with limited funds and can lead to full-time income via brand sponsorships and deft media creation if you play your cards right, but let’s be honest, without the wheel? #vanlife would be the slightly less glamorous “Living In A Tiny Steel Box That Smells Like Old Shoes And Is Very Difficult To Move Between Scenic Locations.” So thanks, wheel.

Not living in a van, but still love hiking, mountain biking, rock climbing, skiing, or any other sport that takes place more than a couple miles from your home? Thank the wheel for getting you there—even if you lived in a place where skiing is close to your home, without the wheel, your ass would be walking your skis several days just to get to the base of the ski resort. And next time you’re at a ski resort, check out those chairlifts, because those chairs are clipped to a cable that runs around a few dozen—wait for it—wheels.

There’s nothing wrong with getting excited about that game-changing rock climbing widget, ski binding, tent design, jacket insulation, waterproof breathable fabric, or backpack harness system, but how about a little hat tip to that nameless Mesopotamian man or woman who invented the wheel back in 3500 B.C. I mean, that Mesopotamian didn’t have any Instagram followers, but the wheel is some pretty rad shit.

—Brendan

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[olivereliott]

Flake On Me Once … Actually, Just Don’t Flake.

A couple weeks ago, a friend shared on Facebook an opinion piece by David Brooks titled The Golden Age of Bailing. The first comment was someone saying it was futile to try to find a reliable climbing partner in the town where they lived, and a second person chimed in and said it was impossible in the town where they lived a few hundred miles away.

David Brooks is not the first person to point out that we’re devolving into a culture that’s more and more accepting of bailing or flaking on plans we’ve made. People point at technology, or the fact that we have so many options of things to do, or the fact that we’re all “so busy” nowadays and it’s so easy to double-book yourself, but here’s the root cause of flaking: you do it because you’re inconsiderate. Which is bullshit.

Call me old-fashioned, but when my friends say, “I’ll be there at 10 a.m. on Saturday to help you move that couch,” they show up, and that fucking couch gets moved. And I value that. Especially when it’s something more important than moving a couch—like showing up on time for an alpine start for a day in the mountains, being there with an avalanche beacon with full batteries, or keeping me on belay from the second you say “on belay” to the second you say “off belay.”

I don’t know how the Fitz Traverse began, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t start with Tommy Caldwell waking up on the first day of their weather window and sending Alex Honnold a text message saying, “Dude, sorry to bail on you, but I’m tired from this week. I think I’m just going to stay in and watch House of Cards.” Big things get done because people show up to do them, not because they half-ass some plans, kind of commit, show up late, and get lucky.

We live in a society where we get pissed and demand to be compensated if our flight is delayed, or if the food we ordered at a restaurant takes longer than acceptable, because we’re offended that someone is not doing their job correctly, and then we make an appointment to meet someone and show up 25 minutes late—or not at all. We treat our friends like we think airlines treat us, and somehow that’s OK.

Yes, things come up, and sometimes they’re important things. Your kid fell off the monkey bars and you have to take her to the hospital to get stitches, so you’re going to miss coffee. Your boss called an emergency staff meeting at 4:30 and if you don’t go to it you probably won’t be on the staff anymore, so you’re going to have to reschedule your happy hour meeting. But everyone knows the difference between a reason and a bullshit excuse. Being late because of traffic is one thing, but being late because you scrolled through 20 more Instagram photos before you left for your meeting is another thing, and it sure as shit isn’t being “busy.”

If you want to get shit done, it’s very simple: show up. Do what you say you’re going to do. And demand from yourself the same accountability that you expect from an airline. Your partners for climbing, skiing, biking, and moving furniture will appreciate it.

—Brendan

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