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tarons-thighs-ad-infinitum · 3 years ago

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How Little John Lived at the Sheriff's

(I tried not to change the songs too much but some of the lines were so confusing that I had to sacrifice a rhyme or two to make it clear.)

So Little John joined the Sheriff’s service and found life to be easy enough. The Sheriff made him his right hand man and he was his favorite employee. He always sat near the sheriff at dinner and ran beside his horse when he went hunting. With all the hunting and eating rich foods and drinking good wine, and sleeping until late mornings, he became fat as a stall-fed ox. So things were easy for him until one day the Sheriff went hunting and made things less smooth for him.

On this morning, the Sheriff and many of his men went out to meet some Lords and to go hunting. He looked around for his best man, Reynold Greenleaf but was angry when he couldn’t find him. He wanted to show Little Johns skill to his noble friends. But Little John was still in bed, snoring loudly until noon. He finally woke and opened his eyes but didn’t bother getting out of the bed yet. The sun shined bright in the window and the air was sweet with the smell of wall flowers since it was spring. Little John lay still, thinking about how nice everything was today. Just then he heard, faint and far away, a distant bugle note sounding thin and clear. The sound was small, but, like a little pebble dropped into a glassy fountain, it broke all the smooth surface of his thoughts, until his whole soul was filled with disturbance. His spirit seemed to awaken from its sluggishness, and his memory brought back to him all the merry greenwood life—how the birds were singing blithely there this bright morning, and how his loved companions and friends were feasting and making merry, or perhaps talking of him with sober speech; because when he first started working for the Sheriff, he was joking. But he got too comfortable and had pushed off going back to Sherwood for six whole months. But now he thought of his good master and of Will Stutely, whom he loved better than anyone in all the world, and of young David of Doncaster, whom he had trained so well in all manly sports, and he began to get homesick and lonely. He began to cry and he said aloud “I’m getting fat and all my manliness is gone and I’m a lazy stupid slug. I should get up and go back to my friends again and never leave them until I die.” and so he leaped from the bed, hating how slow he had become.

When he came downstairs he saw the Butler standing near the pantry door—a great, fat man, with a huge bundle of keys hanging off his belt. Then Little John said, "Whats up man? I’m a hungry dude cause I haven’t had breakfast yet. So you should make me something to eat.”

Then the butler looked grimly at him and rattled the keys in his belt, since he hated Little John because he had found favor with the Sheriff. "So, Master Reynold Greenleaf, you’re hungry, are ya?" he said. "But, fair youth, if you live long enough, you’ll find that if you get a lot of sleep, youll get an empty stomach. Whats that old saying, Master Greenleaf? Is it not 'The early bird catches the worm?"

“Excuse me, you giant fat gutted man!” cried Little John. “I didn’t ask you for an idiots cliche. I asked for bread and meat. Who do you think you are, tryna deny me food? By Saint Dustan, you’d better tell me where my breakfast is if you wanna save yourself from broken bones.”

"Your breakfast, Master Fireblaze, is in the pantry," answered the butler.

“Then go get it!” Yelled an angry Little John.

“Go get it yourself.” said the butler. “I’m not your slave.”

“I said, go get it and bring it to me!”

“I said, go get it yourself!”

“Fine. I will!” said Little John, raging. And he stomped off to the pantry and tried to open the door but it was locked. The Butler laughed and rattled his keys. Little John’s wrath boiled over and, with a clenched fist, he punched the pantry door and busted out three panels, making a hole large enough to step through.

He Butler went mad with rage at this. When Little John was crouched looking at the pantry, the butler grabbed him around the neck and pinched his face and knocked him over the head with his keys until Little John’s ears rang. Little John turned on the Butler and hit him so hard that the fat man fell to the floor and lay there like he was half dead. “There,” Said Little John, "think about this the next time you try to keep breakfast from a hungry man.”

He crept into the pantry and looked around to see if he could find something to appease his hunger. He saw a great venison pasty and two roasted chickens, and a platter of deviled eggs. But more importantly, there was a bottle of wine and one of beer. Which was a sweet score for a hungry dude. He took them down from the shelves and set them on the table, preparing to get drunk.

Now the Cook, in the kitchen across the courtyard, heard the loud talking between Little John and the butler, and also the blow that Little John struck the other, so he came running across the court and up the stairway to where the butler's pantry was,still carrying the spit with the roast still on it.

Meanwhile the butler had gathered his wits about him and risen to his feet, so that when the Cook came to the butler's pantry he saw him glowering through the broken door at Little John, who was getting ready for a good meal, as jealously as a dog glares at another that has a bone. When the butler saw the Cook, he came to him, and, putting one arm over his shoulder, "Look, friend!" he said—the Cook was a tall, stout man—"You see what that vile brat Reynold Greenleaf did? He broke in our master's goods, and knocked me out. I thought I was dead. Good Cook, I love you, and I’ll give you a good bottle of our master's best wine every day, because youre an old and faithful servant. Also, good Cook, I have ten bucks that I mean to give you as a gift. But dont you just hate to see a vile loser like this Reynold Greenleaf taking it stuff so confidently?"

“Youre dang right I do!” Said the cook boldly. He liked the Butler after his talk of wine and money. “You go to your room and I’ll bring this kid out by his ears!” and so he put down the spit he still held and drew the sword that hung by his side. The Butler left as quickly as he could because he was afraid of swords.

The Cook walked to the broken door and saw Little John tucking a napkin under his chin and getting ready to eat and drink. ”What are you doing Reynold Greenleaf?” Asked the cook. “You’re nothing but a thief. Come out here or I’ll carve you like a roast.”

“Nah, man, you better be nicer to me. I’m normally as calm as a baby lamb but if you get between me and food: I’m a raging lion.”

"Lion or no lion," said the bold Cook, "come out now unless youre a coward AND a theif.”

“Ha!” cried Little John. “I’ve never been called a coward. So get ready dude, cause here comes the roaring Lion.”

Then he, too, drew his sword and came out of the pantry; then, putting themselves into position, they came slowly together, with grim and angry looks; but suddenly Little John lowered his sword. "Wait, good Cook!" he said. "Now, I think it would be dumb to fight with good food so near, and its a feast as good as two big strong men like us deserve. So I think we should enjoy a feast before we fight. What do you think?”

The Cook looked up and down, scratching his head in doubt. He loved a good feast. Finally he drew a long breath and said to Little John. “Well I like your plan, pretty boy, lets have a feast like it was our last because one of us will die tonight.”

So each thrust his sword back into the scabbard and entered the pantry. Then, after they had seated themselves, Little John drew his dagger and thrust it into the pie. "A hungry man must be fed," he said, "so I’ll help myself.." But the Cook did not lag far behind, for straightway his hands also were deeply thrust within the goodly pasty. After this, neither of them spoke further, but used their teeth to better purpose. Though neither spoke, they looked at one another, each thinking to himself that he had never seen better fellow than the one across the table.

Finally, after a long time had passed, the cook sighed deeply and wiped his hands on his napkin. He couldn’t eat another bite. Little John had also eaten enough and pushed his plate away as if he were saying “I dont even want you near me” then he took his wine out and said "Now, good fellow, I swear by all that is bright, you’re the best meal partner I ever had. Cheers!" He clapped the flask to his lips and tipped his head back while the good wine flooded his throat. Then he passed the bottle to the Cook, who also said, "Cheers mate!" because he was just as good at drinking as Little John.

Little John said “you’ve got a round and sweet voice, dude. I bet you’re a good singer.”

“I have been known to sing a ballad now and then,” said the cook. “But I never sing alone.”

“Of course not!” said Little John. “It would be rude not to sing with you! You start us off, and I’ll sing one after you to match.”

“Yeah alright, Pretty boy.” said the cook. “Have you ever heard the song of The Deserted Shepherdess?”

“I dont!” answered Little John. “Sing it and let me hear!”

"Truly, I know not," answered Little John, "but sing thou and let me hear."

Then the Cook took another long drink from the bottle, and, clearing his throat, sang sweetly:

THE SONG OF THE DESERTED SHEPHERDESS

"In springtime, when leaves turn green,

And pretty birds begin to mate,

When lark birds sing, and thrush, I ween,

And stockdove coos soon and late,

Fair Phillis sat beside a stone,

And I heard her moan:

'O willow, willow, willow, willow!

I'll take for me from your branches fair

And twine a wreath to deck my hair.

"'The bird has taken himself a she,

The robin, too, and of course the dove;

My Robin has deserted me,

And left me for another love.

So here, by brookside, all alone,

I sit me down and make my moan.

O willow, willow, willow, willow!

I'll take for me from branches fair

And twine a wreath to deck my hair.'

But lke a fish from the sea

Walking in around the tide;

Young Corydon came over the lass,

And sat himself beside Phillis

So, quickly, she changed her tone,

And began to stop her moan,

'O willow, willow, willow, willow!

You can keep your garlands fair,

I dont want them to deck my hair.'"

"Now, My Word!," cried Little John, "that is a right good song, and has truth in it, also."

“I’m glad you like it, sweet boy!” said the cook. “Now you sing one! Because a man shouldn’t be happy alone. So shut up and sing.”

“I’ll sing you a song about a Knight of Arthur’s court and how he cured his heartache with a new love, like Phillis did! I bet she could cure one heartbreak by giving herself a new one. So listen while I sing:”

THE GOOD KNIGHT AND HIS LOVE

"When Arthur, King, did rule this land,

A goodly king was he,

And had he of stout knights a band

Of merry company.

"Among them all, both great and small,

A good strong knight was there,

A happy child, who was quite tall,

That loved a lady fair.

"But she would have nothing to do with him,

She turned her face away;

So he left the country with nothing,

And left that lady too.

"There all alone he made his moan,

And he did sob and sigh,

And weep till tears would move a stone,

And he wanted to die.

"But still his heart did feel the smart,

And also the dire distress,

And his pain grew rather sharp

As grew his body less.

"Then he went back where was good wine

And merry friends,

And soon did cease to cry and whine'

When happy and drunk was he.

"From which I hold and do say

To say, and even believe,

That if you drink your day away

The heart will cease to grieve."

"Now, by my faith," cried the Cook, as he rattled the bottle against the table, "I like that song hugely, and the moral of it, which hides like a nut in a ferrero rochet"

“My my my, youre a smart man,” Said Little John, “And I love you like a brother.”

“I love you too man. But its getting late in the day and I have to cook before the boss gets back; so lets go ahead and have this fight we planned.”

“Right.” Said Little John. “Lets get it over with quickly. I haven’t been so slow to fight than I was to eating and drinking. Lets go out into the hallway where there’s room to swing a sword and I’ll try to give you a fair fight.”

Then they both stepped into the broad passage that led to the butler's pantry. Each man drew his sword again and without more ado went at each other like they were going to tear each other limb from limb. Then their swords clashed noisily, and sparks flew from each blow in showers. They fought up and down the hall for an hour and more, neither striking the other a blow, though they did try to; but because both of them were good swordsman; neither of them won. Eventually they rested, panting; then, after getting their wind,they went at it again more fiercely than ever. At last Little John cried aloud, "Hold up!" and each rested against his sword, panting.

“I swear!” said little John. “You’re the best swordsman I ever did see! Honestly! I thought I’d have killed you by now.”

“I thought I’d do the same to you!” Said the cook. “But I have missed the mark somehow.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Said Little John, “What are we even fighting for? I cant remember.”

“I dont remember either.” Said the Cook. “I dont actually like the crabby Butler. But I thought since we promised to fight, then we had to.”

Little John said “It seems to me that instead of trying to cut each others heads off, it would make more sense to be friends. Whaddaya say mate? Wanna go with me to the Sherwood Forest and join with Robin Hood’s band? You’ll live a good life in the woods and 140 friends too! One of which is me of course. And you’d get three green outfits each year and 40 bucks a salary.”

"Now, youre a man after mine own heart!" cried the Cook right heartily, "and, as you describe it? It seems like the perfect job for me! I’ll gladly go with you! Shake my hand and I will be your companion from now on! Whats your name dude?”

“People call me Little John.”

"What!? Are you REALLY Little John, Robin Hood'sright-hand man? I’ve heard lots about you, but I never thought I’d meet you. You’re really the famous Little John!" And the Cook seemed lost in amazement, and looked at his companion with wide eyes.

"I am Little John, indeed, and today I will bring Robin Hood a right stout fellow to join his merry band. But before we go, good friend, it seems to me to be a shame, since we have had so much of the Sheriff's food anyway, we shouldn’t also carry off some of his silverware to Robin Hood, as a present from his worship."

“Good idea!” said the cook. And they began looking around and taking as much silver spoons and plates as they could find, shoving it into a bag. When the bag was filled, they started out for Sherwood Forest.

Walking into the woods, they came to the big greenwood tree where they found Robin Hood and 60 of his men laying in the grass. When Robin and his men recognized who had shown up, they leaped to their feet. “Welcome home!” cried Robin. “Welcome back Little John! Its been a long time since we’ve heard from you. We heard you joined the Sherrifs service. How have you been this whole time?”

“I lived well at the Sheriff’s” answered Little John. “And I came straight from there. See boss, I have brought back his cook and his silver.” Then he told Robin Hood and the men that were there all about what had happened to him since he left for the Fair. Everyone laughed. Except Robin Hood, who looked angry.

"Little John,"he said, "Youre a brave warrior and a trusty fellow. I am glad you brought yourself back to us, and with such a good companion as the Cook, whom we all welcome to Sherwood. But I dont like that youve stolen the Sheriff's plate like some petty thief. The Sheriff has been punished by us, and has lost three hundred bucks, even as he tried to con another man; but he didn’t do anything to warrant stealing his household plates from him."

Little John was annoyed by this and he tried to pass it off as a joke. “No boss,” he said “If you think the Sheriff didn’t give us his plates, then I’ll go get him and he can tell you with his own mouth that he gave it to us.” So he leaped to his feet and was gone before Robin Hood could stop him.

Little John ran for five miles till he came to where the Sheriff of Nottingham and company were hunting near the forest. When Little John came up to the Sheriff he tipped his cap and knelt before him. "God save you, good master," he said.

"Reynold Greenleaf!" cried the Sheriff, "Where’d you come from and where have you been?"

"I have been in the forest," answered Little John, speaking amazedly, "and I saw something no man has ever witnessed! I saw a young buck all in green from top to toe, and around him was a herd of 60 deer, and they, too, were all green from head to foot. I dared not shoot, good master, for fear they would kill me."

"What are you talking about, Reynold Greenleaf," cried the Sheriff, "are you crazy or are you high?"

"I’m not crazy or high," said Little John, "and if you’ll come with me, I will show you! I have seen it with mine own eyes. But you gotta come alone boss, in case the others frighten them and they get away."

So they all rode forward, and Little John led them down into the forest.

"Now, boss," he said at last, "we are near where I saw this herd."

Then the Sheriff got down from his horse and told them to wait for him until he gets back; and Little John led him forward through a path closed in with trees until suddenly they came to a great open field, at the end of which Robin Hood sat beneath the shade of the great oak tree, with his merry men all around him. "See, good Master Sheriff," said Little John, "There is the buck I told you about."

At this the Sheriff turned to Little John and said bitterly, "Long ago I thought I remembered your face, but now I know who you are. Shame on you, Little John, for betraying me today”

In the meantime Robin Hood had come to them. "Welcome, Master Sheriff," he said. "Have you come for another feast with me?"

“No, Heaven Forbid!” Said the sheriff earnestly, “I dont want a feast! I’m not hungry today!”

"Nevertheless," said Robin, "if youre not hungry, maybe youre thristy, and I know you will drink a glass of wine with me. But I am sorry that you wont feast with me, because you could have anything you want, anything you like, since your cook is standing right over there.”

Then he led the Sheriff, willy-nilly, to the seat he knew so well beneath the greenwood tree.

"Hey guys!" cried Robin, "fill our good friend the Sheriff a brimming glass of wine and bring it here, because he is too faint and weary to move."

Then one of the band brought the Sheriff a glass of wine, bowing low as he handed it to him; but the Sheriff could not touch the wine, because he saw it was served in one of his own silver flagons, on one of his own silver plates.

"Whats wrong?” asked Robin, "do you not like our new silverware? We have gotten a bag of it just today." So saying, he held up the sack of silver that Little John and the Cook had brought with them.

The Sheriff was bitter but dared not to say anything. He just looked at the ground. Robin looked at him keenly before he spoke again. “Now, Master Sheriff, the last time you came to Sherwood you did come looking to con a rich boy and you were conned yourself. But now, you didn’t come to do any harm. And I dont know that you’ve done any wrong to any man. I take my money from fat priests and rich knights, to help those that they’ve wronged and to elevate the people they trample on. But I don’t know of anyone you’ve wronged right now. So go ahead and take whats yours and I’ll let you leave without taking so much as one penny. Come on, I’ll lead you out of the forest and back to your friends.”

Then, slinging the bag over his shoulder, he turned away, the Sheriff following him, all too perplexed to speak. So they went forward until they came to within a hundred feet of the spot where the Sheriff's companions were waiting for him. Then Robin Hood gave the sack of silver back to the Sheriff. "Take whats yours," he said, "and listen to me, good Sheriff, take a piece of advice with it. Test your servants well before you hire them so quickly." Then, turning, he left the other standing bewildered, with the sack in his hands.

The company that waited for the Sheriff were all amazed to see him come out of the forest bearing a heavy sack upon his shoulders; but though they questioned him, he didn’t answer, acting dazed instead.. Without a word, he placed the bag across his horse's back and then, mounting, rode away. Everyone followed him. The whole time, the sheriff wrestled with his thoughts, over and over. And that’s the end of the story about Little John and how he once worked for the Sheriff.

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