#genuinely his only mental anguish comes from when he fights with his wife

[backjustforberena]

Corlys "Heart Eyes" Velaryon:

[franki-lew-yo]

Worst year of your life so far

It's hard not to feel like every time a moderately good and nice or even great thing happens to me I ought to expect and inconvenience or a TERRIBLE thing to happen right after. This is genuinely why I'm afraid to be happy. I don't have an exact religion, I'm just certain that I am in fact an evil person or at least some evil person's revitalized soul. Since November of last year my life has been, in this order:

>Receive notice that I might owe SSI 15k because a miscalculation says they're overpaying me. I don't have 15k or stashed away 15k. I've been using every cent of money given to survive and pay back overdue fees. Life coach is sure I won't have to pay anything. I don't believe her.

>Find out that the location of my jobsite is being terminated within a week before the site is closed down. Can not be moved to a new location. The chain is dying. No location has room for me.

>Spend the days up to Christmas helping my coworkers who were a lot of times my only non-family communication, tear apart our store and then become strangers. The worst part is when they have me throw out hundreds of dollars of boutique clothes because the company wants to write it off as a reduction, DIRECTLY into a garbage bin. We'll be terminated from any further locations if we're caught trying to save or sneak away with anything. It's Christmas time and here's some clothes for needy people and my company is literally throwing them in a landfill. I just watch.

>Is repeatedly told by my job coach, REPEATEDLY, that I will get a job at a place which shares my old workplace's union. Nope. I don't. They string the both of us along for four months. By the time we move on to a new place in mind THAT job opportunity fizzles out after too many tries. My job coach and I have a fight and he doesn't talk to me or wants to see me. I feel nothing but shame. He and his wife are going through their own crisis.

>While ALL of this is happening I'm watching an active genocide a take place in real time. I try to do my daily clicks and boycott as much as possible. Come August I use up the rest of my unemployment money donating to any vetted fundraiser I can. I hope, I HOPE every time that THIS MONTH must be the last month of this slaughter. The powers that be have to do something...the answer is a resounding no. More and more innocent families are butchered. I can't offer anything really substantial.

>TWICE. TWICE IN ONE YEAR- my EBT gets cut off until I repeal it.

>My sister and I are both unemployed and in mental (in her case physical anguish). We blow up at each other more than once, especially over politics. She gets a job that she hates and is dangerous before the thankfully quits. She gets another job and is layed off for no reason in the same week she gets it.

>Can't afford a real dentist. Have to do a dentist-intern who tells me to watch my cavities that I have but no they can't do anything about it.

>My laptop's mouse stops working. It's fine for tablet but it means I need to use an external mouse for everything casual and writing. I'm already avoiding doing too much digital artwork on account of not wanting to wear down my system. Oh also my screen has a shadow on in.

>My mom is evicted from the house she and her boyfriend have lived in for years now and is forced to live in my grandpa's house which HE'S been forced to move out of. It was also a house I had lived in for awhile as well and so all of my sister and my own childhood things have to come back with us to our apartment. We don't have room. I'm going to have to downsize so many of my things.

>Catch covid because I was too stupid to bother with a booster. It delays getting me my new job and tasting anything for a month. Also delays me getting to work on the art I need done by September/October.

>Dog gets a bad flea infestation almost immediately after this because of summer heat. Also she wasn't on flea medication when it happened.

>My new job is two days a week rather than three. Lesser pay than what I used to have. All throughout October my schedule is cut to one day a week. I can never truly finish my job for my supervisors like they need to of me.

>Life coach assigns new job specialist; the one who got me my job. New specialist tells me all about Tiktok and how I need it and how I ought to download and post more on there. When I ask her for help navigating the platform and for her to help me on my social media art campaign; she shuts me out. Tells me repeatedly she's not versed in social media and tells me to instead take an online class. That's not what I want from her I want her to support me as an artist and that means occasionally just following my pages. She gives me a hard "no". Literally all my plans for a semi-active youtube, tiktok and instagram campaign fall apart. If I can not be supported even emotionally what's the POINT??

>I learn just this night how I unintentionally deeply hurt one of my oldest friends on the platform when I get the courage to ask if she's really upset with me or not. She blocks me mid me trying to ask for more information on the incident that hurt her. I do think I wronged her, but it's that I didn't even know I did that HURTS. Another one of my friends is right in the way of a frikin hurricane.

>Sister/Roommate is diagnosed with a condition that makes drawing difficult. I try not to draw near or around her as much as possible. It hurts. We are both still artists.

>Next door neighbor who's made creepy sexual comments about me to my sister throws dog poop on my sister's car at night. He thinks it's our dog even though I'M THE ONE picking up our dog's poop every single time.

and finally

>Country elects the same admitted fascist we kicked out for starting a riot.

Art, fandom and my dog is literally all I have. It is my one and only escape and happiness. I would be proud of myself and how much I've matured since just last year, but I can't. I can't be because I'm too miserable and so is everyone else around me. People tell me it's my fault or not my fault, people tell me I can help but won't or that I can't help at all. It's never enough. I wish I could be a better friend towards every one of you. I wish I could be a better creator. I wish I could find the time in my schedule to find a time in my therapists' schedule to see me again. All I ever feel like is an entitled garbage heap for even complaining when so many people are suffering to such an insane degree. Even the campaign people coming to me about how they want me to reblog their posts trigger me on account of how so many seem to forget they've already talked to me before. The fact that I am forgotten by circumstances where people can't remember anyone's username hurts me when it shouldn't.

I just want it all to stop.

----

And, for the first time, I actually want to thank you if you somehow read any of this. This is going to get deleted soon (or maybe not) because it is a trauma dump and TMI.

And yet I genuinely needed to get all of that off my chest. I am INCREDIBLY stressed out and hate to feel bad for myself because that just makes me hate myself and then feel more bad for myself AGAIN rather than do what I keep saying I want to do and help people. I wish this clarity and odd inner-peace wasn't brought about by such turmoil and inner pain. I wish that so much. I guess to quote Art Spiegelman quoting someone else: "Samuel Beckett once said: 'Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.'...but then again, he did say it."

[thehighpriestess1]

Man this entire chapter was a rollercoaster of emotions 😭

Throughout the entire exchange between Y/N and Satoru I found myself rooting for the both of them LOL. Obviously Y/N was valid for behaving the way she did but I do get where Satoru is coming from (even though everything is completely his fault). He just had two huge bombs dropped on him after all the mental anguish he went through a year prior so now that he found out she was alive this entire time AND they have a son together??? He’s never gonna let her out of his sight after this

I think the both of them need to just TALK. I don’t think it’ll fix everything because Satoru is forcing Y/N and their son into a dangerous fucking world against her will. He got his cake and now he wants to eat it. He thought that he would leave his life of luxury to stay with Y/N at the village, WHY CANT HE JUST DO THAT? He’s so infuriating and sexy ugh 😡 I want Gojo and Y/N to be happy with their family at the end but I know the road to that is long and full of obstacles 🥹

And now Yuri… sweetie might I suggest therapy? I find it hard to believe Satoru doesn’t notice her sadistic tendencies towards their employees? Does he not know? Does he just not care she does it? While it does seem like he doesn’t hold any romantic feelings for her and just enjoys her presence (at least how I took it), I wonder how he’s going to manage Y/N and Yuri. She screamed at an employee for “seducing her Satoru” what is she gonna do when his fucking WIFE comes back 😭

I’m both excited and scared for her to get humbled at the fact Satoru is probably gonna give her the Utahime treatment (I HOPE). I already know that she won’t go away without a fight though 🥹

Sorry for the essay again, I enjoyed this chapter so much and I can’t wait for the rest. Thank you for sharing your work with us ❤️🥰

Yeah they do need to TALK but there are some major trust issues between them so even when they talk they don't believe the other one completely.

Before meeting y/n, Gojo didn't feel anything. He didn't care about anything. So he didn't notice Yuri's behaviour because most of the time it was behind his back and when in front of him he brushed it off because deep down he didn't care for Yuri or the person she was messing with. His internal world was so messed up that everything that happened in the external world was basically just white noise for him.

Yuri is delusional! She thinks only because she has gotten every man ever she can get Gojo Satoru too. When he ignores her behaviour she takes it as he is so in love with her that he won't punish her ever.

Managing y/n and Yuri will be tough because he considers Yuri to be his friend (it's messed up but Gojo is messed up). Y/n and gojo have a very love/hate relationship rn so we'll just have to see how it unfolds.

You write your essay! I genuinely wait for it 💖 I can't wait to finish the next part because of god so much is going to happen!!!

[literarymemories]

The Mystery of who we are.

What remains of our identity when we die and all that is left is the carcass and someone else’s memories? A horrifying question in and of itself but taken even further in Jackie Kay’s novel Trumpet. An inspiration for this story was the real case of Billy Tipton, an American jazz musician with a similar story. The novel on the life and death, but mostly death, of the fictional Black Scottish jazz-musician Joss Moody focusses on the aftermath, as his friends and family as well as the world find out he was biologically female.

The start of the novel in its ambiguity highlights the uncertainty surrounding identity and memory. Confronted with the first-person narration, we immediately get a deeply intimate insight into what I at least presumed to be Joss himself, speaking from beyond the grave.

“Each time I look at the photographs in the papers, I look unreal. I look unlike the memory of myself.”

It turns out that this is not Joss, but his now widow Millie Moody. She was the only one aware of Joss’s assigned sex, yet there never seemed to be tension in their relationship because of it, only shared trust, and respect. Devastated in light of her husband’s death and the press swarming their house, it almost seems like she starts to share so much of Joss in this experience, the memory of him so close to her, that she subconsciously takes his position instead, introducing the story in a voice that sounds like him, but is not. This becomes a theme for the novel, wherein characters speak for Joss posthumously, though much more violating and commodifying than the approach of Millie who knew and understood her husband.

This posthumous violation touches on many themes and concerns within the transgender community, such as necropolitics. Brought forward mostly by journalist Sophie Stone who is looking for a sensationalist story that she can sell, Joss is constantly misgendered and put into an artificial state of distress. Despite the fact that he is already dead and seems to have lived a happy life with his wife and son, Stone purports the idea that he was constantly struggling with the mental anguish of being caught between ‘male’ and ‘female’, demanding the world rewrite all memory of Joss Moody as he lived. Despite the turmoil his story creates, it seems Joss lived a fulfilled and tranquil life with his wife, questioning the contemporary narrative that a public coming out is necessary for a ‘complete transition’.

Coleman, Joss and Mollie’s adopted son, fights an entirely different battle. Whereas Millie knew of Joss’s assigned sex, their son did not and finds himself struggling to wrap his head around this I the wake of his father’s death. It seems he feels deceived by his parents and sees the memory he has of his father as tarnished. A good friend of mine has a sibling who came out as transgender, and even as her sister was still alive and well, their parents, though accepting if not confused, were feeling like they had lost a child somehow, as if the person that once was is now gone.

Coleman starts to crudely obsess over his father’s biological sex. His misconception about gender, embarrassment, frustration, and the general issues of ‘origin’ he seems to have as a biracial, adopted son, lead him to redirect the grief he feels into these outbursts.

These elements of the story seem to tarnish Joss’ memory and as a reader, we do not get to truly find out what he was like, what he was thinking and feeling or what he would have thought and felt about this if he were alive. In a way I was glad he was not alive for it. But this poses the question if memory, genuine or artificial, can posthumously influence identity.

[mysteli]

in my blood (jake x mc)

A/N: This is probably the saddest fic I’ve ever written but at the same time I’m like insanely proud of it so i advise you get some tissues because this fic is just too real...

This fic was inspired by the song In My Blood By Shawn Mendes but also Ashes by Celine Dion. They’d make this fic a little more emotional if you listen to them while you read, at least it did for me.

Warning: ANGST (sensitive subjects) 

Words: 3158 

PERMA TAG LIST: @brightpinkpeppercorn@cocomaxley@hopefulmoonobject@alesana45 @jellybean-marshmellow@mymandrake @regrettingnathan@dobie2112@princessstellaris @mechaspirit @skyila@mind-reader1  @xo-endlessmayhem-xo@sakaily@justboredtrash @regina-and-happiness@annekebbphotography. @endlessly-searching-for-you @reginasayeed @christopher-powell@zigortega4life @eileendannie@diamondoasis@speedyoperarascalparty @emomoustache@lostlightningbug@endlesstaylormckenzie @alekai-sayeed @akrenich@vickypoo91 @nitta-jaeguet @femmeshep @hayden-park

ES TAG: @darley1101 @american-duchess

Let me know if you wanna be tagged! 💗and let me know if the tags work because Tumblr is acting up.

Masterlist

Summary: After a tragic event, Logan and Jake must help each other come to terms with what the world has hit them with.

ENDLESS SUMMER FAN FICTION IN MY BLOOD

Fuck... no. This can’t be happening. This can’t be the end of something so life changing. One moment it’s the craziest thing to happen to Logan but she loves it enough to appreciate it. Then the next second passes and she’s lying isolated against the tiled bathroom wall, a loss looming over her shoulders. She can’t process this. She can’t accept but she also can’t fucking deny it. It’s true. It really happened. And she can’t do anything to change that. 

She’s not to ready to let her mind wrap around all the facts. This started off as such a happy time of her life and the best part was she was ready. Jake was ready. They wanted to start their own legacy and forget about all the fucked up moments of their own past. That wouldn’t matter once this new miracle came into their lives. They would have forgotten about it all and found something new to focus on. But no. Now it’s gone. One vital part of their future has disappeared before their very eyes. It’s something they’ll never have the chance to even lay eyes on because the world had to go and take it away like it fucking takes everything away. 

Logan can’t do it. She can’t summon any strength to move on from this. Maybe she’s overreacting. Maybe her mind is taking her to the worst places because that’s what she doesn’t want to believe. She runs her hands through her platinum blond hair and lets her head collapse back against the bathroom wall. Her mind is running around all these dark places and possibilities but how the fuck is she gonna find the will to tell Jake about any of this?

She can’t even admit it to herself so why the fuck would she wanna admit it to her husband? He’s been so supportive throughout everything she’s done, no matter how bad. This entire situation might not even be her fault yet she still can’t help but feel like she has to blame herself. She’s the one carrying the miracle anyway. Well... she was.

Just the thought of that only brings more tears to Logan’s ocean eyes, which are already sparkling with tears and the light in them has dimmed so much that there’s a fair chance it may never return. Not after this. Never again. It’s too damn painful. She can’t say it out loud. Hell, she can’t even think it out loud. Fuck this. Fuck everything. She isn’t ready. She’ll never be ready. 

Blood surrounds Logan, turning this whole scenario into what appears like a crime scene. And Logan chooses to see herself as the culprit, even if the loss of her victim was nothing more than an accident. This was gonna change her and Jake’s goddamn life. They could have had a chance to change and just the thought of that genuine smile that crossed Jake’s lips when he heard the delightful news will be forever be engraved in Logan’s mind, appearing like more of a guilty conscience than anything else. Only gives her more reason to blame herself.

She’s dressed in one of Jake’s solid black hoodies and it’s scattered with the blood from the incident earlier. Just the memory of the piece of clothing hugging her body only reminds her of Jake and how disappointed he’ll be when she’s forced to tell him the truth. Logan hasn’t even dared to go to the hospital or anything. It’d be even more painful to hear it from someone she didn’t know but... to hear it from Michelle, the concern and honesty in her voice was enough to keep Logan a little calmer but it didn’t make hearing it any better.

Logan hasn’t gathered the strength to move from the bathroom for a good thirty minutes and all that time she’s been begging, pleading and hoping that none of this is real. It’s just a goddamn dream and one moment, she’s finally gonna wake up and... the baby will still be there, a sign of life ready to be brought into this horrifying world but it would be special. If only she wasn’t so weak. If only she could just learn and accept this. What if it happens again? What if this means that her and Jake have an inability when it comes to making a child? Either way, the outcome is gonna hurt emotionally and mentally. 

Jake will be so damn disappointed. Disappointed in the world. Disappointed in her and worst of all disappointed in himself. He doesn’t deserve to feel like that and when he does, Logan will feel nothing but guilt because Jake doesn’t deserve this pain and Logan is the one hitting him with it. An agony he shouldn’t be burdened with. He deserves nothing but a life of peace and tranquility. It’s because Logan’s in his life. That’s what it is.

Suddenly, the sound of the front door to the apartment creaking open alarms Logan out of her intense trance and her shattered sapphire eyes widen when a revelation washes over her. Jake’s home. Oh shit. Not now. She’s not ready. She still hasn’t gotten this in her head and she needs time before she... no. She can’t fight this. She needs to tell Jake. That’s what will trigger acceptance surely. Hopefully. 

Tears stream down her cheeks, no matter how much she tries to hold them back. She shakes her head violently, trying to make this whole situation disappear and fucking wake up from this nightmare. 

Heavy footsteps slowly thud against the wooden floor and Logan wipes her tears away with her sleeve and she hears Jake’s concerned voice calling out to her. 

“Princess?” His voice is so flooded with anxiety and the fear of his tone sends shivers all the way through to Logan’s heart. Her already fragile mental state is being all the more fragmented as each second of pain rolls by. “Baby? Come on Lo... where the fuck are you? You’re scaring me, darlin.” 

By then, Logan doesn’t have the strength or control to stay silent anymore. She’s had enough time to process. Now she just has to tell him and get it over with. Goddamnit. He was so excited about this and now it’s gonna be all over once those dreaded words leave her lips.

“Jake...” Her breathing comes off heavy and she clutches her stomach when a sharp pain suddenly erupts inside. After a few seconds, it passes. “Fuck... I’m in the bathroom.” She calls out to him and she senses that he definitely caught on to the utter fear enveloped in her tone because of the fact that he starts rushing towards her location a millisecond after she speaks. 

A sigh of relief escapes when she catches sight of Jake entering the bathroom but her breath soon gets trapped in her throat when his cerulean eyes widen with worry at the damaged sight of her. He’s stunned by everything. The blood. The anguish in her expression. The fact that she’s clutching her stomach. Her tousled hair. The tears in her usually bright ocean eyes. Her chapped lips. Just all of it. It’s painful to even look at. 

Taking in the scene, Jake hurries to sit beside his hurting wife, tilting her chin up just as her gaze falls to the ground and forcing her to look up at him honestly, no matter how much she just wants to look away and pretend he isn’t there. It’s too damn much. 

“Princess... what the hell happened? Are you okay? Is the baby...” Jake pauses for a moment, glancing down at Logan’s stomach and back up as soon as his eyes are threatened by water. His panicky state soon takes over and he wordlessly wraps his arms around Logan, seeming to have an exact idea of what’s happened and it hurts him. It really does.

Just as his hand grazes Logan’s shoulder, a shiver erupts within her body and that’s when it finally hits her. That realisation that she’s been pleading for. 

“Jake... I lost the baby.” She’s relieved to finally be able to say it out loud but it’s agonising and her heart sinks at the same as Jake’s expression but he chooses to sustain a composure for Logan. He swiftly wraps Logan in a hug, the grief and loss being poured out in that long moment. Everything Logan has been keeping inside finally comes rushing to the surface and Jake lets her cry into his shoulder, her face buried in his chest. “I’m... sorry.”

“Don’t you fucking dare be sorry, Princess. This ain’t your fault.” Jake assures, a slight shakiness to his voice which is completely understandable. He just lost a kid for fuck’s sake. “You couldn’t have known.” 

“But Jake I could have...”

“No.” Jake stops her before she can engrave the idea in her mind that all of this happened because of her. But it didn’t. All the good things happened because of her and all the bad things were caused by the world. “These things happen, darlin’. We got no control over stuff like this.” He whispers into her hair, kissing the top of her head lovingly.

Logan melts into his embrace, the thought of the entire situation still haunting her mind however. “But baby... this kid was ours... and I was responsible for keeping it safe...”

“Stop it.” Jake urges, looking Logan dead serious in the eyes, as he presses his lips together to hold back his own tears. “This is not your fucking fault. We just got unlucky, Princess. This was just a flaw in the system. You just gotta get back up and... carry on, no matter how hard it is.”

“But what if I can’t do it?” Logan questions, a look of desperation hinted in her strong gaze. 

“Do what?” 

Logan sucks in a sharp breath, trying to avoid the rock planted in her throat. “Carry on... what if this isn’t just a flaw and I’ll never be able to give you the true family you deserve?” 

Jake is suddenly flooded with worry and he starts to think the worst of what could happen. “Princess... no. You can’t think like that now. Besides, the only things I worried about right now is you.” Jake examines his wife for a moment, unsure what he should do but he knows he needs to take care of her. “Do you want me to take you the hospital? Just in case.”

“No, baby. They’ll just tell me things I’ve already heard and I can’t bear to hear them again.” Logan mutters under her breath. Everything she says comes out as a heavy whisper because that’s all her voice will let her do. 

“Are you sure? I’m just thinking about your health, darlin’.” Jake whispers back, using his fingers to smooth out her platinum tousled hair and even wipe some of the tears that never seem to stop falling from her eyes. 

Logan simply nods, knocking their foreheads together and sighing shakily against Jake’s lips. He can feel her shivering in his arms and the anxiety immediately washes over him again. It’s her emotions that are haunting her so much more than her physical state. She’s shocked, startled and stunned by what’s happened and she’s finding it unbearable to take in and she’s wondering how Jake is keeping himself so composed. 

“I know you are and... I love you so goddamn much for that. Fuck, I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jake. I’d be nothing if you weren’t here to help me through this.” Logan’s meaningful words give her a little bit of herself back and Jake responds by pressing his lips against hers, keeping the kiss light and slow and hoping Logan will release any agony she feels so it could cure her sadness even a little bit. 

Once Jake pulls away, he exhales softly, looking down at the floor. “God... this is hard to... process.” He’s starting to think the exact same things that Logan thought about. 

Logan bites her lip out of nervousness, forcing herself to cup Jake’s face and she instantly feels like she’s holding the only world she really needs. She notices the conflict going on in Jake’s mind and she can tell he’s struggling. “I know. Why did it have to happen us?” 

Jake rests his forehead against Logan’s and lets his fingertips barely graze her collarbone. The simple action sends shivers throughout her body and it cures her depression a little. “I don’t know. The world hates us, I guess.” Jake attempts to chuckle but only a ghosted breath is released.

Logan notices the confusion in his cerulean eyes and there’s clearly an ongoing debate playing out in his head. “Jake... I know you were excited about this.” 

“Yeah... but so were you. We can always try again in the future, darlin. But please remember there’s no rush. I don’t want you feeling pressured or burdened. We’ll do it when the time is right and that time is when you’re ready.” Jake assures her, planting a reassuring kiss on her forehead.

“So you understand if I don’t wanna...” 

“Of course I do, darlin’. This kind of thing is hard to get over. It scares you.” Jake mutters and Logan lets her hands trail through Jake’s hair, playing with some of the stray strands and it keeps her relaxed in a way.

“God... how are you so amazing?” Logan questions, searching Jake’s eyes for an answer she should already know.

Jake forms a weak smile at that, bringing their lips together a few times before speaking. “It’s ‘cause I got you in my life, Princess.” Jake plants a trail of featherlight kisses from Logan’s jaw to the end of her neck as a way to soothe her. He doesnt want her to break down again because that will break his heart.

“You’re just... perfect. And you would have been a great dad, Jake.” Logan points out, moving one of her hands out of Jake’s hair and caressing the back of his neck. The feeling and her words seem to affect him in a way nothing has before.

“You’d be an even better, mom.” Jake murmurs back, cupping Logan’s cheek and smiling at her faintly.

“I just can’t believe this is happening to you.” Logan suddenly states and Jake is slightly taken aback by her unexpected words.

“What do you mean, baby? This is happening to you too.” Jake corrects and Logan just shakes her head in response.

“That’s not what I mean. You’ve... lost someone else. Maybe that’s why I feel so guilty. You deserve peace for once, Jake. You didn’t ask for any of this.” Logan explains, avoiding Jake’s gaze and hanging her head in shame as the blame creeps back in her head to haunt her again. 

Jake isn’t having any of that again. He tilts her chin up with his fingertips and plants a reassuring kiss on her neck, nuzzling for a moment. “That’s right. I didn’t ask for any of it. But I fucking got it and I’ve spent most of my life dealing with those losses on my own but not this time... because I’ve got you. And we’re gonna get through this together.” Jake mutters into Logan’s neck and she flinches at his touch and his meaningful words. 

She’s never been this crazy about someone before and Jake isn’t the type she would have wanted to fall in love with at first glance. But knowing the man inside the mask has been one of the best parts of her life. He’s taught her so many things and helped her through so much. They’ve fought battles together and there’s no chance they can’t get through this because they have each other and if they care enough, they’ll manage to move on.

Jake plants yet another blissful kiss on Logan’s lips and she savours this one especially as a feeling of relief finally hits her. Their foreheads join once more and they’re silent for a short moment, almost as if they’re grieving their unborn child together.

“Just so you know... you’ve been through a shitload of losses as well... so don’t feel like I’m the only one who can handle this.” Jake assures, whispering sweetly against Logan’s lips and she can’t manage to form a smile but she can let him know she’s grateful with a thankful kiss.

“I know. This is just... gonna be hard because it was our first.” Logan admits, more tears falling from the defence cages of her eyes since she can’t gather the strength to hold them back and mark them as unwanted. 

As her sobs start to grow heavier, Jake wraps his arms tightly around Logan and pulls her against his chest, giving her a chance to let it all out. “Baby... it’s fine. Let it out. Cry as much as you need.”

Logan’s pity party ends quicker than she thought it would and she meets Jake’s honest gaze, noticing how he glances at her stomach from time to time.

“Are you ok, Jake?” She questions worriedly, cupping his cheek with curiosity.

“I just... wanted to get in some last words to the little fella.” Jake confesses, seeming slightly embarrassed as he places his hand behind his head awkwardly.

Accepting his request, Logan gestures to her stomach, a deep breath escaping her. “Please. Go ahead. It might give us both some sort of closure.”

With her permission, Jake leans down and studies Logan’s stomach for a second, trying to avoid the sight of the blood surrounding them. At first, Jake is unaware of what to say but the more he grieves, the more the words come running towards him. Carefully, he presses his hand on Logan’s stomach and she closes her eyes, cherishing this moment and making sure she listens to every word Jake says. 

“Hey there little Mckenzie. Damn... that’s hard to say out loud now. Maybe because I thought one day I’d get to say it to your face.” Jake begins, careful about each word he says and he tries to make the most of this moment. “I’m sorry about how the world works. Your mommy and I would have given you the best life we could, if the world had let us. But you would’ve learned that the world sucks eventually. You gotta claw your way to every opportunity and fight for what you want. That’s what I did and nothing really paid off until I met your mommy.” Jake glances at Logan meaningfully and shoots her a lovingly smile. “She saved me and I’m sorry that she couldn’t save you. Hell, I’m sorry we couldn’t save you. You don’t deserve what happened to you and hopefully one day the world will make up for this by giving us what we deserve. We’ll think about you and we’ll cherish you, little McKenzie. You’re in our hearts forever.” 

‘Family isn’t what’s in your blood. It’s what’s your heart’

[llzehs]

RAW Thoughts (10/1/18)

Oh boy. So we got another Dean centric RAW last night and I cannot believe WWE is finally treating Dean like a royalty that he really is. For the first time I feel like they are giving him a proper storyline and actually trying to capitalize on the absolute unique talent/gift they have in someone like Ambrose. Dean is such a good performer, such a natural. There are very few in the business who can perform as naturally as he can. Also, from where he was never really taken seriously ever before to the extent to which they always consider Roman/Seth to be, its an absolute relief that for the first time they are pushing Dean as someone who’s special/admired/respected. Who is not someone to be looked over and not taken seriously. Who is on the same level as Roman/Seth. There is a huge change in the way WWE’s been building him since his return. Its easily noticeable.

Now, few points.

I know we are all worried bout Dean ‘betraying’ the Shield and turning heel. But I think we all missed something very important. I did not expect WWE to actually be this good with Dean’s booking since they never want to invest in him. But you have to give WWE credit here.

This whole episode was Dean telling the universe how he is expected to act a certain way, but he’s not going to. He was out there giving mixed signals. But if you really look at it, you would notice how Dean’s basically putting it out there how he’s got a certain option out there and anyone else would be taking it up the way this business works but he did not and he’s trying to make Roman/Seth realize that. He’s trying to show them without words how he’s always putting his family over titles/glory. How as much as he wants to say fuck you to Roman/Seth, he’s not being able to cuz family is everything to him. Shield is the only sense of family he ever had. Seth took it away from him cuz titles/glory was more important. Dean’s going through a mental turmoil. He’s too proud to let Roman/Seth know he’s hurt by their (mainly Seth’s) actions. He felt betrayed, he felt replaced, he felt not loved when he was out. All these frustrations, him looking like a ticking bomb, him dropping down hints that he’s not naive, playing mind games with Roman/Seth…Its a cry for help. He’s trying to express how much he’s hurting/not okay and Roman/Seth have done a shitty job in comforting him/making him feel loved/assuring him he’s loved/special. He’s rubbing it in Roman/Seth’s faces, ‘see? you only see me when you wanna see me. When you are all I see.’ Dean has constantly talked bout titles aren’t the validation he needs. But he sees his brothers thriving on chasing/acquiring championships, everyone pointing out how it makes them superior/better than Dean. So he shows them he can be hungry for glory too. But he’s choosing not to cuz family is more important to him.

Love hurts. Caring for someone hurts. Loyalty fucks you up. But these are morals Dean has built his legacy on. He’s out there telling ya all he’s fucking hurting cuz he’s the heart of the Shield. He’s trying to scream without really using his voice and get Roman/Seth to see how loving them has put him through so much anguish. How everyone’s trying to manipulate him, and he’s not an idiot. He wants Roman/Seth to know he ain’t naive. He sees everything, he feels everything, but he’s making a choice that might destroy his heart, and he wants Roman/Seth to SEE that. To notice that. To acknowledge that.

Here’s comes the best part. IF Roman/Seth fail to give Dean the comfort he is seeking right now, Dean’s gonna leave them. Its not gonna be a betrayal. Its not gonna be a heel turn. Its gonna be character development at its best. Storytelling at its peak. A guy fought through everything and everyone, kept loving where his heart was at. But in the end Roman/Seth’s hunger for glory over family made Dean snap and he decided to show them he can chase glory and put it above everything too.

Point to be noted, Roman/Seth, specially Roman has ALWAYS put family/Dean first. Always. He never failed Dean. But he’s more of a pride kind of guy. He’s so possessive/protective of his status as an Alpha Male. That might be the key to Dean’s problem with Roman. Cuz nothing else make sense for Dean to be angry at Roman. Roman costed him a match when he could have simply distracted Braun. His pride got the best of him. Dean was visibly pissed. Like an independent wife who’s husband would get involve in her business cuz he’s too proud, you know? Lmao, I know. My examples can be quite out there 😂 

Now despite all of those good things, there is this big ass plot hole. Roman/Seth, who both thrive on being defending champs, wouldn’t they be putting their titles on the line to erase Dean’s worries/insecurities? They love giving out opportunities left and right, you think they cannot handle Dean? Who they have both defeated one on one in the past? Roman KNOWS they can handle fighting over the titles without hurting their brotherhood. Seth looking kinda betrayed and shocked, then Roman looking kinda hurt/confused…it made ZERO sense. Its not like Dean’s stabbing them in the back. Its not like Dean’s playing dirty. Its Dean’s right to fight for any title and Roman/Seth having top titles doesn’t mean Dean can’t fight his brothers without some kind of betrayal being implied. That was extremely stupid in my opinion. 

So here’s the thing. I do not think they are gonna make Dean turn on Roman/Seth. And if they do, I assume it will be Seth. Even if Dean turns, its just gonna be matter of him snapping. No one’s understanding him right now. Making him feel secure/safe. Telling him what he needs to hear. He’s fighting a battle on his own. Whereas he needs his brothers telling him they’ll love him no matter what, they are out there telling him he’s needed for a show. Dean has every right to be pissed, and feel like he can be better on his own. Dean saying he could have gone to SD but didn’t was a clear example of him expressing how glory is not his priority. But Roman/Seth probably don’t feel the same and that would be the cause of problem for Dean. Not titles, not glory, but Roman/Seth having different goals/priorities than him and him getting sick of being a sensitive emotional mess which only causes his heart to hurt.

Also, Roman looked visibly upset. It was understandable considering he hasn’t done anything wrong. Maybe unintentionally he has given the World title more importance, but he defended Dean’s honor and was there for him no matter what. He knows he has never put glory/titles over Dean. Him getting mad and wanting to lay down some ass kicking was cute considering he was deeply angry at the shitshow that was ‘fuck up with Deano’s mind’ on everyone’s to do list. He was out there wanting to beat someone up cuz he’s so done with them messing with his baby boy’s psyche. He knows Dean can be vulnerable/insecure/crazy, he doesn’t blame Dean. But he’s confused, frustrated and want this bullshit to end. He genuinely thinks they are far too above this bullshit at this stage of their careers.

Seth, Oh Seth. The story and contrast between Seth/Roman is so amazing here. Seth instantly went all soft eyes/soft face when Dean was being a mega bitch to him. He wasn’t confused. He wasn’t angry. He knows he’s this close to losing Dean and he’ll have no one to blame but his own selfishness. He want to be there for Dean. He knows his past has scared Dean’s psyche but he still loves Dean and wanna put himself out there cuz not having Dean is not something he wanna think bout. Its stupid, but Dean’s worth it. He did replace Dean, he doesn’t know how he keep hurting Dean when he promises himself that’s the last thing he wanna do. But I think he’s made peace with the fact that he’s selfish and is immune to hurting the ones he love. But he’ll still fight for them, he’ll still want to keep them.

Also when Dean was lashing out, Seth didn’t back down. He didn’t even flinch. It was kinda cute. My ambrollins trashy heart was thinking he’s used to Dean’s moody bitch fits and he’s an expert at handling his moody ass wife lol.

Btw, Dean, once again looked pretty as hell in the opening segment. Shout out to Charly’s prettiness too while we are at it.

The look Dean gave to the medic, lmao he was being such a little bitch throughout the whole show. I love his moody grumpy ass.

Dean whump, all round…Good content.

I almost thought Dean wasn’t coming out to save Roman/Seth. But he did. Once again proving to himself/everyone else even though he’s aware he’s in for an asskicking, he’s gonna take it for his family. Its Dean’s pride that’s making him all angsty and sad and miserable.

Braun and crew complimenting Dean and still looking to be on the mission to court Princess Dean, lmao. Cute shit. Its a nice change of pace. I am still amazed WWE are not treating Dean as a joke like they always did.

Drew was all brooding…I bet ya all he was thinking bout ‘I don’t know bout these two idiots but Dean will definitely fit in VERY WELL in my arms’. Scottish Daddy detecting when a Baby Boy is vulnerable for the taking 🤭

Wow. I am off to write some angst folks. So much whump. So much drama. So many inspirations. The Shield drama has definitely awoken my muses and now they are all going wild.

[fitnesswomenshealth-blog]

Mental health crisis grips Puerto Rico as rebuilding efforts stumble a year after hurricane

New Post has been published on https://cialiscom.org/mental-health-crisis-grips-puerto-rico-as-rebuilding-efforts-stumble-a-year-after-hurricane.html

Mental health crisis grips Puerto Rico as rebuilding efforts stumble a year after hurricane

Hurricane Florence has made the U.S. East Coast the centre of attention as people focus on the cleanup, and that could make things even harder for those still struggling to deal with the aftermath of another massive storm, Maria.

It’s been a year since hurricane Maria tore across Puerto Rico, killing thousands and robbing its survivors of basic necessities and electricity, and in many cases their homes and possessions. Some areas had no power for up to nine months, the grid is still spotty, and remnants of Maria’s devastation and the ongoing repairs — or lack of them — can still be seen right across the island.

“The government said, ‘We are ready to face this.’ We were not ready,” says Tayna Fernandez, a community activist in Naguabo, Puerto Rico. “You have to accept we were not ready as a country. We were not ready as a government agency. We were not prepared in the aftermath.”

Storm debris still lies in piles in some areas of Puerto Rico a year after Hurricane Maria struck the island. (Jennifer Barr/CBC)

It was a major catastrophe with an estimated cost to date of $139 billion US, according to the Puerto Rican government.

The human cost was heavy, as well.

President Donald Trump has played it down, tweeting last week that Maria killed “anywhere from 6 to 18” people, but his statement has been widely disputed. Puerto Rico’s governor formally revised the toll last week to 2,975 based on a George Washington University study of how many died in the days after the storm due to a lack of things like power, clean water and and health care.

The hidden toll on the state of mind of Puerto Ricans is also a significant concern, especially now that a new hurricane season has started, an ugly reminder of the terrifying ordeal the islanders suffered through.

A 24-hour crisis hotline called ‘Linea Pas,’ based near San Juan, is receiving around 600 calls a day for psychological help, 30 per cent of which are related to suicide. (CBC)

The anguish of the people who lost their loved ones and their homes to Maria is still very much alive. Added to this is the stress and confusion around complicated U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) funding applications that are snarled in bureaucracy, home repairs that still need to be done, jobs that have disappeared, families that have been separated, and daily routines that remain badly disrupted even a year after the storm.

Suicide rates increased more than 29 per cent in 2017 in the aftermath of Maria, and they remain high as people struggle to get their lives back on track.

WATCH: Ioanna Roumeliotis‘ feature for The National on Puerto Rico’s mental health crisis, tonight on CBC Television and streamed online

Suzanne Roig Fuertes is the administrator of mental health and anti-addiction services in the town of Bayamon, near San Juan. Inside is a 24-hour crisis hotline called “Linea Pas” that serves the entire island. With this week marking the anniversary of Maria, it has sparked fear and anxiety in people — especially with other storms brewing.   

“Right now, a year after Maria, we’re receiving around 600 calls a day, and 30 per cent of those calls are related to suicide intentions,” Fuertes says.

Suzanne Roig Fuertes is the administrator of mental health and anti-addiction services in the town of Bayamon, near San Juan. With the anniversary of Hurricane Maria that has caused so much misery for Puerto Ricans, plus the start of a new storm season, its 24-hour crisis hotline is getting about 600 calls a day seeking help – nearly a third of them related to suicidal thoughts. 0:38

‘None of us were prepared’

To understand the extreme psychological pressure many residents are under, you just need to follow Jerry Kirkland for a day.

Kirkland is the director of emergency management for the municipality of Naguabo on the eastern coast of Puerto Rico. It’s known as “El pueblo de los enchumbaos” (the town of the soaked ones), which is fitting in a way because the region is where the eye of Maria hit last year.

Everyone here knows Kirkland. He is a genuinely caring man who is constantly connected with everyone from the town pastor, to local community groups, to FEMA representatives.  His two cellphones do not stop ringing.

It’s hurricane season again, and it’s his responsibility to see how the people of his district are doing. He makes his rounds, going door-to-door.

“Hurricane Maria was a learning process for a lot of people,” Kirkland says. “If anybody on this island says we were prepared for a hurricane of this magnitude, they’re not telling the truth. None of us were prepared.”

The first stop is at Angel’s house.

The debris has been cleared from Angel Mendoza’s home, but the missing walls and roof have not been rebuilt because he is locked in a dispute with FEMA over funding. (Jennifer Barr/CBC)

Angel Luis Sandoyal Mendoza lost his roof to Maria, and blue plastic tarps given to him by FEMA and neighbours are all that keeps the wind and rain out of the shell of a house. Angel still has a kitchen to cook in, and lives with his small dog Hank in the back bedroom.

The damage he hasn’t been able to repair doesn’t just make life hard — it breeds constant fear. He bars the rickety bedroom door at night hoping no one will break in.

“If you think about it too much you might get sick, and I don’t want that,” Mendoza says.

Like many others on the island, Mendoza is waiting for answers and action from FEMA. The U.S. government’s emergency-response agency gave him an initial $13,000 US in disaster funding to help get him back on his feet, but it’s not nearly enough to fix what’s left of his home.

He’s still waiting for his claim to work its way through the bureaucracy so he can rebuild. One of the problems is that FEMA is demanding he produce the deed to the house to prove he owns it. But the modest home is an ancestral one (his family has lived there for generations), and that kind of paperwork, even if it did exist, would have been lost when the hurricane tore through his home.

Kirkland tells Mendoza he’s not alone.

A home sits vacant a year after it was destroyed by Hurricane Maria. Funds for repairing many homes in Puerto Rico are tied up in bureaucratic red tape. (Jennifer Barr/CBC)

“They told me they want to rebuild my house out of wood,” Mendoza adds, referring to his ongoing negotiations with FEMA. But wood is impractical due to factors like the location and climate.

“That’s why we are going to re-evaluate this, because that  doesn’t make any sense,” Kirkland says, handing him a mosquito net for more protection from the insects at night, and adding that he’s trying to get him a new water filter.

Mendoza says he’s better off than others and insists that he will be fine. It’s a common theme our CBC News crew heard again and again from residents who clearly aren’t fine.

“The Puerto Rican people are very proud people, and even if we are going through hard times we will smile and say everything’s OK. But we’re not,” Kirkland says on the way to the next home.

‘We are a proud nation’

On another visit, Kirkland drops in on Rex Cauldwell and his wife, seniors who live on one of the mountains overlooking the area. A mudslide during the storm blocked the only road with boulders for three months until they were finally cleared, and they had no electricity for nine months.

Cauldwell says people in the community pulled together to support each other after the storm.

“The very next day, everybody is up on that mountain trying to find a way to dam the streams and get pipes down to your house. And we did it all right,” he says. “I shared my water with those people up on the hill — they came down asking for water and I told them if  I had water they had water.”

Rex Cauldwell, left, talks to Jerry Kirkland about things that still need to be fixed a year after Hurricane Maria devastated his community. (Jennifer Barr/CBC)

Like Mendoza, Cauldwell tells Kirkland that he and his wife are doing well, but stresses that there was no way of communicating during Maria. He worries about being cut off again during the new hurricane season and not be able to get help.

To ease that fear, Kirkland agrees to track down some radios they can keep handy in case of another storm.

After we leave the Cauldwells, Jerry tells our crew that the couple and their neighbours still need help to rebuild, and infrastructure like the gas lines hasn’t yet been checked for damage. There’s no sign that this will happen any time soon.

“Then he turns around and says ‘but I’m fine.’ You know, he’s an  elderly person, his wife is elderly … but we are a proud nation and the people that come to Puerto Rico get that feeling that everything is fine.”

Tayna Fernandez is a community activist in the Naguabo area, and the needs of both her family and her neighbours are weighing heavily on her.

Tayna Fernandez, a community activist in Naguabo, Puerto Rico, stands outside a boarded-up school that’s she’s trying to get officials to re-open as a much-needed community centre for her neighbourhood. (Jennifer Barr/CBC)

She lives with her husband, three children and her mother. Her roof is still in need of repair and she is clearly exhausted.

“FEMA  didn’t help me in anything, anything. Even though I have a cement roof when it rains, it just starts pouring inside because FEMA didn’t help me to put a treatment on my roof,” says Fernandez.

“Who’s helping me? My family. We don’t have everything we need, but at least we have what we need right now in the moment. Next week I’ll worry about next week…,” she says.

Still, Fernandez is fighting to get a school in her neighbourhood, once used as a shelter but now closed, reopened to use as a community centre to provide people with much-needed social services.

“You got to help people. You are going through no job, you have so many things on top of you, but you still want to help, because people are worse than how you are right now,” Fernandez says.

‘Doctor, I don’t want to live like this…’

When Maria hit, the small hospital in Naguabo was the only one open to serve the entire eastern area covering three municipalities — Yabucoa, Naguabo and Humacao.

Dr. John Velazquez was the only physician on the whole eastern part of the island, living at the hospital for days because other doctors couldn’t get there due to road blockages. He worked tirelessly to heal his patients’ physical injuries immediately after the storm, but these days Maria’s survivors require a different kind of care.

Dr. John Velazquez says many of his patients now come to him for help dealing with psychological issues connected with Hurricane Maria and its aftermath. (Jennifer Barr/CBC)

Now many of the patients who come to see him are suffering from psychological ailments — especially post-traumatic stress, despite the brave faces many wear in public.

The hospital has opened a clinic help people with mental health problems, and to try and catch them early before they become more serious.

“They say, ‘Doctor, I don’t want to live like this. This is terrible for me, I need to move, but I don’t know where I’m going. My family wants to move to the States but I don’t know English, I don’t have an education,'” Velazquez says.

“Most of the people here are very poor people with low education,” he adds, and the lack of opportunity for work and a way to rebuild their lives in the wake of Maria is hard to deal with.

The small hospital in in Naguabo has opened a clinic help people with mental health problems that have become prevalent on the island since Hurricane Maria. (Jennifer Barr/CBC)

The doctor takes calls 24 hours a day from people who want to talk about how they are coping — and how they aren’t.

“Here [at the clinic], they feel comfort.”

It’s taking a toll on him, too. Velazquez says he feels frustration, but many of his patients are caught in a bureaucratic and financial limbo that is affecting their psychological health, and they have nowhere else to turn.

“I give more and more from me — one time I feel very very sad — but every time I come here I say this is my job, these people need me. These people need the hospital and I want to do the best for them.”

WATCH: Ioanna Roumeliotis‘ feature for The National on Puerto Rico’s mental health crisis, tonight on CBC Television and streamed online

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