#genuinely going on my current anti-anxiety meds made me realize food is allowed to be a thing I can enjoy

[chromoluminary]

I decided that the week I’m in this city, I’m just going to eat whatever I want whenever I feel like it and not let myself feel any guilt over it and like, 10/10 decision, my life is better sitting on the floor of the kitchen eating a cold samosa after having had a slice of chocolate cake for lunch

[wildweirdly]

Long ramble about random life stuff

On the weekends I usually go visit my girlfriend but she has a test on Monday so we decided to skip seeing each other so she could focus on studying. Fortunately I’m in a better place than I used to be so I haven’t been feeling lost or abandoned because of it but I do feel a level of displacement.

I tried reaching out to my crush but they’re busy, so idk what I’ll be doing for the remainder of my weekend. Overall I’d like to force myself to do chores but I get so anxious about cleaning when other people are around so idk. On top of that my energy is low cause I messed up my blood sugar with dinner. Trying to remedy it with coffee and hard cider currently.

On the positive side my boyfriend is off tomorrow as well so we’ll have the whole day together. The hard part is gonna be avoiding the urge to go out and spend money (I made a few mistakes so I’m flat broke till the 11th lmao) :X

So far I’ve had both my girlfriend and a coworker of mine offer to let me borrow money but I worry I’d just spend it on food I should be avoiding so I’m trying to just live through the brokenness with what I have. Besides, it’s my own doing that ended me up here so I want to take responsibility for that.

I’ve also been doing some reading today so maybe that’s a thing I can do in my down time now. Through some observations my coworker made I sorta re-realized that I’ve been doing the self detrimental people pleasing thing at work and so I’ve been taking time to do some reading/“research” on the fawn trauma response and how it relates to some of the problems I’ve been dealing with.

Also aforementioned crush recommend a couple of things to read and I managed to check one of them out before my mind ADHD-ed the information into the void. So far it’s been interesting but I haven’t gotten very far. I’m hoping that reading it might be able to lead me to a some sort of dialogue or something, idk.

Both my crush and my girlfriend are literary driven with interest in psychology and philosophy and I’d like to feel like I’m on more even ground with them. Currently I don’t know much on either besides the fuzzy memories of bits and pieces I learned in high school which isn’t very useful. Besides that I like feeling smart and lately I’ve felt like an idiot so maybe reading something “bigger” will allow me to ease up on myself.

The cider I’m drinking tonight is disgusting but I’m thankful I have it. I hate to say it but I sometimes feel like alcohol helps level my anxiety. Could just be a placebo though, I dunno. I try to be cautious cause my liver is already a little broken (thanks diabetes!) and my family has a history of alcohol issues so if I drink I limit myself to one a night (unless I go out, cause when I do I allow myself two).

Honestly I’m surprised how well I’m doing given that I’m off two out of my three psych meds. I never really planned on abruptly stopping but my psychiatrist has been ignoring my request for a refill on my anxiety meds and so it snowballed. If I have to be real about it there’s been some tension between my girlfriend’s anti-med views and my own reliance on them so it’s hard not to worry part of me is doing this to please her or “prove” myself in some way. But on the other hand my antipsychotics were fucking up my blood sugar in ways I’m still trying to recover from and I don’t feel different without them so I guess it’s a net gain. Why really shocks me is how normal I’m able to feel without my anxiety meds. I had some idea that they weren’t working properly for me and my psychiatrist seemed unwilling to look into alternatives so it also feels like it’s pointless to be on them, Yano? Like if they aren’t gonna do anything I really don’t see merit in taking them. The other one I’m on is an antidepressant and I have no intention of trying to alter that cause it genuinely helps me so yeah.

I’ll probably write another thing tonight but we’ll see.