#general ponderings abt the meaning of life etc

[twinknote]

vent post, mind the tags, dead dove etc.

i was already having a rough morning and have been having a rough week/few weeks/month etc. in general, and i saw that someone i knew briefly passed a couple weeks ago. they had been super involved with a great intersectional ed support group focused on supporting ppl with marginalized identities. we only talked directly a few times, but i saw them supporting others all the time and it was just blatantly obviously how radiant and deeply caring they were. i don't know the details, but i know they had just made it out of rehab and were dealing with a lot of health problems.

it's a really distressing experience to continually see people your age who are very similar to you die. i'm thinking of another person who i went to college with who took their life a couple years ago. also queer, also nonbinary, also jewish, also traumatized, also neurodivergent, also struggled with addiction, also a clearly brilliant, radiant, loving person. it's a really distressing experience to continually see society fail these people who so clearly deserve to live and thrive. to see their loved ones ache for them after they're gone and vow that they would have done Anything to keep them here. to continually reach a breaking point over and over and over again and know that one of them could be the Final breaking point. to wonder what that was for them, how many times they picked themselves up before they just couldn't anymore.

selfishly, it's really hard to see them leave when i've wanted to for so much of my life, especially now. to see how they seem to just vanish. to find some semblance of comfort in the thought that they're resting now, they don't have to suffer anymore, and to think, well when do i get to rest? when will i cease to suffer? if they get to receive the gift of rest and peace, why shouldn't i? why am i still here, silently howling in my room as to not cause a disturbance, desperately trying to picture a future for myself in which i'm housed and safe and no longer beckoning death? why shouldn't i join them?

i promise i am putting all of my energy and effort into keeping myself here and building a future for myself, even if there's no blueprint, even if i have no vision. it's just hard, especially when i see people in similar circumstances choosing to leave. my therapist and i talk about wanting to die like this: i'm walking down a long hallway and it's filling up with smoke. there's a glowing door at the very end of the hallway; that's death. it's easy to see amidst the haze, but if i look closely, the hallway is lined with doors. not glowing, but doors nonetheless. i can open them, look inside, see if there's a way out, and these doors are things like various avenues to earn enough income to move out and support myself. but once i open So many doors and none of them work out, i become So exhausted and hopeless that i'm no longer interested in looking for more doors. i'm just moving towards that light at the end because it's the only solution i can see. and sometimes the doors run out; i try all of my options and they all fail to work out. and my brain tells me to just go through that door, because at least i won't be stuck in the hallway, coughing and wheezing until i can't breathe anymore.

i am trying really hard to look for more doors. if not for myself, for everyone i've known who deserved to live.

[spaciebabie]

What's the storyline for your ocs?

nerdy straight A middle school student katherine quin and her pals realize that their government sucks ass and b/c they are impassioned naive youth, entangle themselves in a state of affairs that will stay w/them for the rest of their lives

more under the cut b/c i wrote a lot more than i thought i would kasfjksdfjksfj (i have big feelings abt this story)

i (officially) made the story when i was 14! all the characters are based off me and my experience 2 some extent (especially katherine i mean i made her bi, biracial, gave her a mole, made her like indie games etc). originally the story was going 2 have a happy ending, but as ive grown i have more of an appreciation for....well endings that are not so happy. im thinking i change it. it would make sense w/what happens in it anyway (the story of revolution is not as happy and triumphant as 11 year old me imagined when i first acted this out w/my brother. honestly like ive changed the story entirely 2 be my own but i still gotta thank my bro cuz the orig storyline that inspired it when we played legos 2gether was a conjoined effort and i borrowed many of the characters)! as im drafting it now, the story is not particularly happy lol

the story tells a sort of generational loop that katherine goes thru? if that makes sense? i wont go too much in depth b/c spoilers but its a story of history repeating itself again and again and the endless loops pain and suffering cause and how people are scared/too comfortable/too angry to change the cycle. i think that katherine being a history nerd in the midst of watching history unfold again before her very eyes grants her a certain point of view other characters dont have (except a few who have lived experiences). although this awareness will come later in the story when she's older

it will also touch on something young folks feel 2day where ppl frequently ask, "why is this happening today? havent we progressed?" and katherine will ponder that herself (although the situations that happen in the story are strictly to the story ajsfsjfd i cant talk abt and link real life tragedies it would be too much for me). and i think that as she gets older in the story and gains knowledge and wisdom from what she goes thru, she'll hafta bear this horrifying knowledge that the sands of time dont just erode the past, but the present and future as well.

i was not expecting 2 write this much KJSFKJSDJFKSJDF

anyway! i care this story a lot. its like my childhood and has grown with me as ive aged. im really compelled to make it the best it can be and i get a lot of imposter syndrome b/c i know the ideas i have and the story itself as a whole is good, but im worried my execution will fall flat. idk its kept me from moving forward w/it or talking abt it for years.

tldr; two can basically be summed up by this image:

are things going 2 get better? can they get better? questions i think about as i write and think thru this story.

[secretcircuit]

6, 8, 16, 19, 20, 25, 28, and 30!

YAY thank u !!

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn’t supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

this is tricky for me to answer! i feel like my artistic inspirations are things that i know (im curious what other ppl think they are...) for the most part... so i guess i dont know if i have an answer for this ! maybe other ppl do?? one time i drew a portrait of myself that looked like a wikihow illustration skdfjskfjskdjf but that was an accident

8. What’s an old project idea that you’ve lost interest in

so i started to answer this but then realized im still interested in that project skdjfksj ... ooh i know ! i used to draw this character (unnamed) with a computer monitor for a head and a human body -- because at the time i felt like people understood me to be a machine or robot-like when in fact i had a lot of feelings... so it was going to be a comic about them navigating through life with this huge disconnect... thankfully i have friends now who dont make me feel like that, so i dont feel the need to revisit it :')

(also side note i feel like ive seen comics / manga (or something?) with a design just like this since ???)

16. Something you are good at but don’t really have fun doing

this is making me realize that i like most of the things im good at, which makes me wonder if maybe i shy away from doing things im NOT good at (even if i dont like them)? i will have to ponder... i mean i guess i am passably good at drawing Mechanically Complex(ish) Things (e.g. bicycles or w/e) but find them really boring. im not interested in things that are symmetrical or engineered... (computers dont count; they are just lil boxes visually)

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

OOH so many things... i love drawing botanical stuff. i dont actually post much of it on here i guess? but i do a LOT of plant studies / drawings for people :) not to sound like a jock but i also really like drawing sports equipment?? it's fun in general and also when i draw it on people it helps with posing etc. skateboards, hockey sticks, that sort of thing. i do also enjoy drawing computers. and like... i guess they arent Objects but i like drawing interiors in general... trying to make spaces lived in etc. oh furniture is kinda fun to do... but yeah plants / botanicals are at the top of the list :)

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

people often remark that they find it hard to hatch/crosshatch the way i do? but it's just how i shade, and i like it; it's fun to do... people in motion ? hands? (dont get me wrong i also find them hard to draw but i do enjoy them.)

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

AHA well one time i posted a fanart piece of kakashi that i had done in acrylics as my fb profile picture (LOL... like we are talking 10-min study, not an actual polished piece) and someone said it looked like van gogh which ... was very funny to me? especially bc i dont feel like my style is similar to van gogh's otherwise. (and we are talking like - family friend commenting on fb. so.) ive also had ppl say that my art reminds them of alison bechdel's (which i consider to be a compliment; i love her comic style), but i had already pretty much solidified my style before reading dtwof so...

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

i have never participated in a zine! i used to do inktober before the creator of it revealed himself 2 be super shitty. honestly the main reason i dont do zines is that i do exclusively traditional art and im lazy and dont feel like going 2 the effort of scanning / editing / etc... but also i would really like to? ive also thought about making my own zines, but thats not really an Event. i did in fact make one abt vampires... anyway

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

one of the orufrey pieces i did where theyre like abt to kiss after hours in the atelier... LISTEN. i used to dislike doing backgrounds but i put a lot of work into that one! i literally referenced how the couch looks based on the handful of manga chapters where it shows up!!!!!! i will live tho. honestly i have been pleasantly surprised with how much some of my art has been shared on here :')

art asks

[nikethestatue]

So heres the thing that i found really confusing is why the hell some people call Az bonus chapter “uncomfortable and “ toxic”. The first time i read it i mean..that Elriel scene was hot 🥵🥵but toxic?? Thats the last thing i’d think of because u know why?? It is a freaking NA book.

For me the chapter compare to any other NA books i’ve read ( lj shen, rina kent, pen. douglas) is sooo vanilla like only the cherry on top. The antis do know right that now acotar being market into NA instead of YA so darker content is expected and there will be A LOT OF SEX, THINKING ABT SEX AND AT ONE POINT WILL DO SEX!!!

We’ve seen Elriel soft moment in the four books ( truth teller, “do u want me to show u the garden”, “i’’m getting her back atc..) like their feelings towards each other does not come from nowhere. Everything Azriel’s said or think abt is the same as what Nessian did in acosf.

For me in a NA book if two characters feel lust towards each other then that is a good thing like that what makes the book NA in the first place. Sjm wants to write abt Azriel kinky fuck thats why the crumbs that he’s a freak and Elain is aroused/ not a virgin were mentioned like if they would bang right away then its not surprising for the readers *cough*offer and permission *cough*. So the argument abt Az is toxic and etc makes me assume 3 things

1. They still in the YA zone

2. Their fantasy abt Az is diff from whats written in his chapter

3. Because it is Elriel

Your thoughts??

Hi,

I think I agree with all 3 points, but I also feel that the author herself has changed--she is older now, she is writing things that are different, and despite how people feel about ACOSF, she basically devoted an entire book to someone dealing with PTSD and self-hate. That's very different from TOG or even ACOTAR. Hence her writing would be different as well, and probably not as appropriate for the YA crowd. I don't like generalizing, but the majority of what *I* have seen out there, when it comes to Gwyn adoration, are younger women--teens, early 20s. Gwyn is a typical YA character--spunky, very young, determined and 'unburdened' by female characteristics, such as a family, children, running a household, cooking, taking care of life, taking care of others. What's the most common complaint about Feyre now? She is boring. All she does is stays home and is pregnant, and why did she have a baby at 21? and now she is a MILF. Perhaps, perhaps not, but she certainly isn't the spunky, adventurous 19 year old of ACOTAR. The YA crowd loves Gwyn, and it's understandable.

Elain is a more cerebral character. You already know that she is probably not going to swing a sword, which is great. Because there is a place for characters like that. But I think that's one of the reasons for the hate -- she is 'boring'. However, I think SJM wants to write characters like these now, because with them, she can explore a variety of different ideas, even what femininity is, how a non-fighting woman can make a difference--she already began that journey with Elain in previous books. Ultimately she writes books about her version of female-empowerment and the difference all women can make. She's written like 10 books with fighting females. Yet, some of her more interesting characters are people like Yarne and Elide and even like Amarantha and Maeve, because they don't rely on the swords, but mostly their knowledge, cunning, abilities.

I think sexually, SJM is also ready to explore other avenues. I don't see her writing the same as she did 7-10 years ago. I don't see her writing scenes like earthquakes and tumbling mountains and snapping palm trees when a male character orgasms. It's a little (a lot) ridiculous, but I feel like we'll see a lot more of Cassian-like sex, than Rhys.

I feel like what disturbed some readers, especially the younger ones in the POV, is the 'realness' of the thoughts. It wasn't 'prettified' with some fanciful language (btw, like the REST OF THE BOOK). Nothing at all different between Cassian and Azriel, both think of and ponder and want sex. But I feel like people, for some reason, aren't as emotionally invested in Cassian, or maybe he was always viewed as 'lusty'. Azriel is mysterious and less obvious, but suddenly reading purely sexual thoughts from him was a wakeup call. And thoughts about the 'boring' Elain and not the girl-boss Gwyn.

I think SJM wants to explore some more unconventional, 'weirder' sexual things with Az, and I simply don't think that he'll be doing that with a character like Gwyn. Not because of Gwyn, but of who identifies with her--teens, young adults.

Listen, for all I know, it might not even be Elriel--it might not be Elain and Az (though I highly doubt it), but it wont be Az and Gwyn either. Like, Az is NOT spanking or tying up Gwyn, and again, not because of Gwyn, but because of Az. Just yesterday I read some comment about someone arguing that maybe 'Gwyn is ready sexually' and all that. And I don't argue that, though I didn't see any indication of it in the books. But the question is, is Az ready? Because it takes two to tango. And it seems like everything revolves around Gwyn and her readiness in those canons. He is never mentioned--like he is just a stud put there to penetrate. But I don't see that interest or willingness in his character for her at all.

Let's remember that 'offer and permission' came from Elain. Elain willingly slept with Graysen before marriage. Elain has been putting gentle moves on Az. SHE is ready. He is ready.

I think it's definitely an amalgamation of things, but these will not be YA books going forward. And if the POV was so controversial, then yikes, I don't think that the actual book would be palatable for some readers.

[ladder-discourse]

Please... I wanna know more abt the urban fantasy AU... it's so fun

@collaberal-damage OH GOSH... mLKDfsmmdslk this is the part where I have to reveal the fact that I’m a sham and I actually have VERY little worked out. LIKE. I’VE BEEN DESPERATELY WANTING TO COME UP WITH WORLD BUILDING STUFF... Rules of the setting and details about other characters and whatnot??? But the two people I talk about it w/ the most aren’t canon familiar past the trilogy so I haven’t done a ton of bouncing ideas around yet. Which makes this ask a blessing?? I actually worked out a few things in the course of writing it, so, thank you for that :’)

This got horrendously long and is probably way, WAY more info than you were asking for, I’m so sorry.

Unsurprisingly most of what I have worked out has to do w/ Edgeworth and how werewolves work?? Because this whole thing really started with narumitsu fluff/angst and just wound up expanding beyond that when I began to ponder what kind of monsters/entities the other characters would be.

Lycanthropy in this setting: I think it comes in a lot of different flavors and can be passed on to someone else by a number of means? But the old rule of Receive Bite From Werewolf = You Are Now Also Cursed, definitely still holds true, and the contagious factor of the condition is just one of the reasons why they are frequently stigmatized within supernatural society.

They’re also generally perceived as being volatile and dangerous, because transformations outside of the full moon can trigger if the individual is put under enough stress (hence Edgeworth getting ‘furrier’ whenever he gets flustered. Which, INCIDENTALLY, never used to happen before Phoenix showed back up in his life, DAMN That Man). There’s this perception that no ‘upstanding/upper-class citizens’ are werewolves, basically, and Edgeworth has been conditioned to believe that it would ruin his career if his “true nature” were exposed to the public.

Apollo is also a werewolf, but he hasn’t been conditioned to hate himself in the same way Edgeworth has, so he’s more in touch with that side of himself. PLUS, he doesn’t have the same image to keep up that Edgeworth does. Obviously he has OTHER problems going on, but being constantly in fear of being exposed to the world as a wolf man isn’t one of them.

(CW for this next bit, emotional abuse of a young child) Miles has had lycanthropy since he was very small and MVK uses his condition as an additional means by which to emotionally abuse and manipulate him. Mainly by doing gross shit like:

subtly implying that he’s sub-human!

reminding him that his emotions make him a danger to others and that it’s his responsibility to lock them all away. (If it serves the interest of turning him into a stone cold conviction machine, all the better)

Shit talking monsters and supernatural entities in general, as if Miles isn’t even there and listening to all this shit.

In terms of SETTING and what society looks like in this AU, here’s some loose ideas that I’m still ironing out:

Magic/Monsters/Etc are sort of a “loosely kept” secret, like the rest of the world can’t know about (or interact with?) the whole supernatural community for Reasons that I’m still trying to settle on.

There’re a handful of privileged humans who help keep the lid on this whole secret side of society by using sorcery and such.

MOSTLY the people in these positions are just those who have the means/connections/social standing to be able to learn magic in the first place. Like magical capability in humans is not based on a particular natural aptitude or anything, it’s just, “can you get access to the resources you need to learn to cast spells safely”.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of the people in these positions of power are basically hoarding influence/wealth under the guise of keeping both worlds “safe” from each other.

Some other tidbits we’ve worked out...

As he’s part dragon, Phoenix has some VERY minimal rain/weather based powers. Unfortunately they’re SUPER unreliable and he can’t really control them? Like he rarely knows for sure if any particular rainstorm is actually caused by him or not.

Sometimes it starts raining while he and Edgeworth are out somewhere, and Phoenix just absentmindedly apologizes for it without explaining why.

This baffles Edgeworth immensely. Why in the heck is this idiot apologizing on behalf of the WEATHER???

Later on, when the “I’m part dragon” conversation does finally happen, he looks back on these moments with horror and wonders how he didn’t logic that shit together sooner.

Larry Butz is just a normal human dude, but his whole family has been like, immensely cursed? He’s basically Stanley Yelnats. The poor man just keeps stumbling into fucked up supernatural scenarios.

Y’know that whole upper crust society of people who’re trying to keep a lid on all this magical stuff that I mentioned previously? They have basically just given up trying to keep him out of this shit, because it just KEEPS HAPPENING.

Regarding the Feys: I think I’ve settled on them being a very old family of fox-folk/kitsune(?)?? The Kurain channeling technique in this case is like a very rare form of spiritual magic that only they can master, but they’re also adept at other kinds of spells too! Maya frequently uses her abilities to pull silly pranks on Nick.

Franziska likely got cursed with vampirism at some point in the months after her father was convicted for killing Gregory. MVK was not a vampire himself and generally held disdain for non-humans, so uhh. That’s a fun new issue for her that I’m looking forward to potentially exploring a bit further :’)

Will Powers is also a werewolf. This is part of what draws Edgeworth to the Steel Samurai series, because it’s inspirational to him that the guy behind the mask has the same magical condition that he does!

Regarding the Gavin brothers: I think they’re both demon or fey or something. I haven’t worked out much beyond that, but I’m open to suggestions!

Pretty much anyone who has an animal sort of aspect to them inherently has the ability to shift into that animal, just bc I think that’s fun. Kay can turn into a crow, Maya and Pearls can turn into foxes, Edgeworth and Apollo (obviously) can turn into wolves... The exception is Phoenix, who can’t turn into a dragon... At least, not that hes’ aware of?? IDK maybe that’s an ability he can unlock further down the line. The idea of noodle dragon Feen IS extremely appealing.

I have not figured out any explanations or roles for Trucy, or the Gramaryes, or the Perceive ability just yet, but it is ON MY LIST. Trucy is best girl and and I don’t want to leave her out of the fun.

[ufocafe]

do all the voltron asks!!

holy moly thanks pal i’ll answer them under the cut bc i anticipate it’ll be Longe since idk how to shut the fuck up

keith: how edgy/emo do u consider yourself to be?

tbh i don’t think i’m that bad like trust me i used to be way worse but overall on the inside i am Soft on the outside i still look hella edgy bc all my clothes are black and it’s just ,, how i look

shiro: are you a good leader and can you handle responsibility?

no and no i am So Bad at being in charge cause i don’t like telling people what to do and i’m a stressed out pushover who avoids anything like group projects at all costs

lance: what’s your type of humor and what’s your favorite meme?

whatever the hell this blog consists of is my humor it’s legit just a shitpost collection. nd my fav meme would probs be the whole cryptid meme trend ? idk if it counts as a meme itself but i lob posts that are like ‘i saw mothman in a overly air conditioned chili’s at 5:47 pm and he bought me a soda’

pidge: are you good w/ technology?

i’d say i’m average for someone my age like i’m a teenager in 2017 so i can operate simple stuff like computers and phones, find how to fix small problems but i’m not a #hacker though i did go to wikihow once to try and learn then gave up after a solid 30 seconds bc it was too hard

hunk: how kind and loyal do you consider yourself?

i’d say i’m pretty kind like i can be rude to a handful of ppl but only cause they’re bad ppl so it evens out. idk bout loyal cause ig it means to stick by your friendos and support them which ofc i do but i can’t say that i like stay by someone’s side thru everything bc sometimes things become Too Much or stuff goes down and u just gotta blast

allura: do you feel underestimated sometimes? and should you totally be the black paladin?

i feel like it’s more overestimated? lots of ppl expect great things from me that i don’t think i can achieve so it’s p stressful. also black paladin allura 4 life

coran: what’s your fav show other than voltron?

i have so many so i’m just gonna name a few; over the garden wall, star vs, gravity falls, stranger things, steven universe, etc.

zarkon: would you consider universe domination for your lost cat/pet

i,, don’t think so ? i mean idk what this question is rly implying like did someone steal my pet and now i gotta take over the world ? or did it die and the only way to like avenge it or whatever is world domination bc probably no to both which sounds heartless since i lob my dog but like everythings gotta die someday and i’m not gonna take over the world to reverse/stop smthn thats inevitable

kaltenecker: do you look good in sunglasses?

not sure i never wear then since i have glasses and rarely go to a beach-like setting but i probably do

slav: are you a perfectionist? do you believe in alternate universes?

i’d say i’m in the middle of perfectionist and absolute walking tornado like i’m so fucking messy and i’ll let stuff pile up until i’m basically living in a dump and i’ll hate it sm but i’m so lazy cause Depression then one day i’ll just do a massive clean up and make everything PERFECT. also yes i like to think theres alternate universes/realities it’s a cool concept to think abt cause it doesn’t exactly affect me it’s not an existential thing like pondering if god exists its more like “i wonder if i’m a duck in another reality”

thace: would you go against the authority if it was the right thing to do?

ofc fuck the authority

haggar: who is your fav character in voltron?

i’d have to say lance i lob my sweet son

matt: what are some things you like abt watching voltron?

i have to admit i’m more into filler episodes rather than fight scenes every few minutes so probably just like all the humor and team bonding it warms my emotionless heart

commander holt: do you like peas?

ya

voltron: are you a team player? do you prefer to work alone?

i rather work alone bc then i get to use all my ideas instead of make a compromise with someone else cause i can never find the voice to speak up for what i want so i just end up watching ppl do stuff i don’t like when there’s stuff i think would be better

blue lion: how trusting and loyal do you think you are?

i already mentioned the loyal thing but for trusting i think i trust too easily? ill just spill beans to ppl i’ve barely known for a long time i wish i was more mysterious but whatevs

red lion: how impulsive and/or decisive are you?

i have 0 impulse control for example i have problems with picking at my skin and i’ll just see a piece kinda tore away and before i know it my fingers are all bloody and i’m like owo what’s this. but when i actually put thought into a decision i am very indecisive because i always wanna make youre i’m making the right choice w/ smthn like choosing classes or buying a certain thing

green lion: how curious are you and what subjects are you interested in?

while being impulsive i’m also quite curious so if i wanna go sneak and see smthn there’s not hesitation. i like english/writing and psychology stuff.

yellow lion: do you consider yourself strong and reliable?

i don’t think i’m either i mean i’ll always be there for ppl if they need me but i don’t really think i’m the best person to lift ppl up even if i wanna

black lion: what are some things you want in season 3?

def more lance and hunk character development, some gay shit (cough klance cough) more team bonding in general, and allura piloting black lion ofc

rover: what’s one fact abt a pet you have/had?

once i had a dog and i can’t recall his breed but he looked just like toto from the wizard of oz and we had him for a few months but he pissed everywhere and on everything so we ended up selling him to some ppl. fast forward to a few months later maybe a year the couple had auditioned him to play toto in the school’s wizard of oz play and he got the part so that was cool

shay: do you love hunk? how do you feel abt the enviroment?

i lob hunk with all my heart he is a sweet bean + i care abt the enviorment a lot i think that with trump as president it’s really gonna go to shit more than it already is bc obv it’s been a dilemma for years now but with the goverment denying climate change and all that i rly fear for our planet

lotor: how concerned are you abt your looks?

i think i’m generally good looking but that’s not to say i’m not concerned with my looks bc i kinda am like ill see myself as cute or smthn but then as soon as acne starts popping up or my hair is bad i kinda just spend the next few days doing whatever i can to fix it so i stay nice hnngh it’s a work in progress

alfor: when faced with conflict, would you rather fight or flee?

i suppose it depends on the type of conflict but i’m most likely to fight until it gets too stressful and then leave

ulaz: would you sacrifice yourself for a cause?

we were asked a similar question in history regarding the dude who discovered gravity or smthn like that idk and it went against the churches beliefs so there was a trial and it was either death or admit he was wrong which is a pretty big thing i guess and we can all say we’d die for what we believed but if it actually came down to it the answer is kinda blurry. i had said i’d say i was wrong then continue to spread my info. underground or just flee but unlucky 4 him he was on house arrest for the rest of his life so choose wisely kiddos

i think i’m gonna sleeb now so bye