#geminiwords

[mother-gemini]

Break up or down?

Once upon a time I was in a relationship for 2.5 years. It felt like a lifetime and holds the title of “longest relationship” in my 26 years. It also holds many other titles that will never be forgotten. I can only think of the good memories at this moment but there were so many things wrong with us. It’s confusing to remember it so fondly, yet have no idea if I’d ever want it back.

There was a mutual break-up (or down) close to a month and a half ago. We just decided one day; after a moment that can only be best described as “the straw that broke the camels back”. I’m still confused as to why we didn’t fight for each other, even knowing how exhausted we were we could have salvaged what we had. We were constantly moving, working, cooking, cleaning, dealing with emotions, outside opinions, dramatic family, etc. Many of these outer influences affected the way we treated one another. These things changed the way we looked at our life together and, honestly, it was a huge part of what broke us.

This isn’t our first separation, there was a much more dramatic “ending” last June when he asked me to move out ASAP and at the time, as much as it hurt, it needed to happen. We were apart for 3 weeks and they were rough, one of the days apart was my birthday. One of the saddest birthdays of my life, and I hate my birthday. I mean it, I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed my birthday or didn’t cry or want to die on it. Dramatic, I know but very real.

I think that this current separation also needed to happen, but I’m not sure how long it will be or if we will even end up back together again. All my instincts tell me to let go and move on. That this moment in time is where I need to be. My heart pulls me back on occasion. I loved him so much, I wanted to spend my life with him. Truly. I also couldn’t stand his guts sometimes, is that normal? Do married couples who last for a lifetime get disgusted at moments at the others emotions or mannerisms? 

I had so many times that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with him. A few days later I was head over heels for him. He was my king one day and the scum of the earth the next. In my opinion, that sounds pretty freaking unhealthy. I do admit, it was not a very healthy relationship at times. But I’m at a point now where I feel I can separate myself from the emotions and see this situation from a more rational point of view. This is a good place to be, for now.

I do feel loneliness, depression, pain, and many more emotions that hurt throughout the days. I still talk to him and he continues to let me know that he hopes for the day that we are back together again. How unfair? Or how romantic? Probably not the latter, it just seems so wrong for him to confuse me in this way. I mean, he is my best friend and it’s hard to get away from wanting to confide in him. But how could I confide in him about him? The answer: I can’t. Simple as that, neither of us can. Whether or not we preface a conversation with “I need my friend right now”. It doesn’t work anymore.

This whole thing has affected me in a major way. It’s added to my stress, I’ve been unbalanced emotionally and physically, my health is weak and I am doing my best to keep myself moving forward. But I can’t tell you how difficult it is not to stop and let the world around me fall apart, just so that I can rest. Since I can’t do that right now, unless I want to lose my job, get further into debt, and ruin my life in a pretty big way, I’ll just dream of a time (maybe of myself in another dimension or density) that I get to stop moving without any repercussions. 

Break-ups (downs) suck. They’ll flip you upside down and tell you to keep walking while the blood rushes to your head and messes with all of your senses. But we all go through these moments in life. They’re tough, I know and you know. We will get through them though. Life is in a constant state of flux, we can either take the easy way out (no thanks) or keep riding the roller coaster to see where it takes you.

Let’s find our destiny, our purpose, our reason for enduring all of this crazy sick shit. Don’t give up. You got this.