#geez i am using too many tags but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ukanlos000080]

Gesture studies, 2: Electric Boogaloo

This time, we have mostly Dandadan and some Jujutsu Kaisen

One thing I noticed while doing this is that these artists have different ways of doing things. Kei Urana (Gachiakuta) does their characters with a more lanky look (see last study post). Yokinobu Tatsu (Dandadan) leans more to the realism side of things with his while still exaggerating here and there. Gege Akutami (JJK) draws their characters with a kind of burly, more stylized look.

[team-heavenly]

Chapter 11

You missed an Easter Egg

Wait, seriously? Shit *snags Easter egg basket and runs off*

Actually, this post is going to be a little different this time. I am placing one of the dungeons (specifically the Northern Desert replacement) into its own post. Because so much craziness happened that I can’t possibly fit it all onto here along with everything else.

So, uh. Look forward to that shortly. (And click here to see Part 2!)

Last time, on Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of What, Beedrill called us over on an urgent mandate. And urgent it was.

“It would be extremely bad if a third Time Gear were to be taken” -Tropius during Chapter 10

Uh... whoops.

And the one from Fogbound Lake, no less, adding insult to injury.

I wonder how true of a statement this is. Dusknoir Gulpin builds himself up as worldly and wise; he actually has the knowledge to back it up, too. Especially since he came to the past knowing Grovyle’s Togetic’s mission! It would be absurd for him not to do his research and act accordingly.

Huh. I’d never considered this before, but now it makes sense. He’s totally feigning ignorance here.

Teresa looks in the mirror and sees a warped reflection. She knows it is not her fault, but she still weeps, for it is her son staring back at her...

This is fun lol I’m so holding on to this headcanon.

How humbling it is, to have... a giant stomach in our corner.

We get the order to stock up in Nautical Cottage, and naturally the first thing I do is run to the other Gulpin.

Thank. Goodness.

This was a pleasant surprise! See, the last PMD game I played was Blue Rescue Team, so my mind defaulted to “new recruits are gone if they faint.” But I forgot that’s totally not the case in Explorers! She is risen, alleluia.

And here’s the moveset of my own Gulpin (So many Gulpin! Is this the Three Muskateers?). Miracle Eye doesn’t help much, but the punch moves hit pretty decently with a Power Band. Level 37 is pretty hella for this point in the game, too. So I had him tag along for the journey.

*grabby hands* Gib. Me. Assignment.

OK so two things here:

1) I totally didn’t take a shot for the Eastern Forest group?? Either I was distracted, or I didn’t bother because the name was unchanged. I honestly don’t remember for sure...

2) Looks like Crystal Cavern is the Questionable Causeway

Wait... a castle.. in the desert? Do you mean... we’re going to Relic Castle?!

Oh we are so going to Relic Castle. Unova region, here we come!

I mean, that kind of goes without saying, Andrea.

Oh look, here is the dungeon that utterly kicked my ass straight through Sunday (literally), go read about it here!!

...Alright, now that you’ve had several laughs at my expense, we return to the main program.

*collapses into the sand* It better f*cking be!!

Ah, darn, seems like a dead end. And yet...

But Teresa is terrible at communicating as usual, so that’s that for the day. We go back to the guild for an update.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Magby admonishes him here, but also... if Beedrill didn’t do this, the plot might have come to a standstill. That crystal ends up being very useful later.

Ah, geez. Why do I feel like I’ve just been thrown into the ocean and asked to find land? Although we did happen to have a life raft.

Wha? No, I want to go back to the end of Nonsensical Castle. As long as we don’t have to go through that dungeon again.

Yeaaah, I know, but there’s this crazy thing I totally forgot until now, aha...

Andrea: *rubs flippers together* “Well that’s that, let’s go through all that again just to confirm a vague hunch you have!”

“But it still seems like there’s nothing here.”

100% appropriate that you, as the “human from the future hellbent on completing a suicide mission,” keep suggesting borderline suicidal means of moving forward skddfjhfdf.

*beep* IMAGE CAPACITY REACHED... TO CONTINUE, CLICK HERE.

[strangefable]

Catch Up Meme

Rules: tag as many people as you want to catch up with or get to know better!

I was tagged by @the-laridian (Thank you! I hope you don’t regret it.)

Three ships (I am tempted by a certain archaic Christmas carol, but I shall refrain.)

Serenity, Enterprise-D, and the Flying Dutchman.

No? Okay. Uh... Vicar Max/my captain (but no one but me knows her yet so this doesn’t even count)

I’ve been Having Thoughts about whether Udom Bedford and Alex Hawthorne ever had, like, A Thing before his untimely end?

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of Feelings about Aloy from Horizon Zero Dawn and various people she meets in game. Working on my second playthrough right now, is why.

Look, shipping is weird for me. I like ships, but I like to read everything. Fanfic is such a cool, broad medium that I could wax on about for ages. I enjoy other people’s OCs. I like seeing ships I never would’ve thought of myself. Hell, I even read whole-ass fandoms in which I don’t have direct knowledge of canon sometimes. I used to severely limit myself to “Only These OTPs Are Real” kind of thinking when I was much, much younger, and it was a shitty attitude that I’d like to never have again.

But uhm. Right now I’m exclusively writing Vicar Max/my captain.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last songs listened to

I legitimately have no idea. According to my music player, it was either the TOW soundtrack or one of my ridiculous writing playlists that I make and then don’t use. I don’t listen to a lot of songs any more. I miss it, but I just... can’t. It’s an attention problem. Lyrics distract my brain too much when I’m doing something else, but I’m terrible at sitting down and just listening, either. I can occasionally listen to instrumental stuff while doing other things. Big surprise: those are usually game soundtracks. Or the LOTR soundtracks if I’m feeling fancy.

Currently watching

Er, currently? Not much. Couple random animes that probably aren’t worth mentioning. I should get it together and watch The Mandalorian Season 2 already, though. Oof. (No worries, I do not care about spoilers. At all.) But will probably avoid it and go watch some Trek show or Stargate again instead. (I like me some star shows, y’all.)

Currently reading

Fanfic. It’s kind of the only thing I can read right now, which is frustrating as a lifelong book nerd. But it is what it is. Fic is getting me through this rough reading year and I’m grateful for it. Fic writers, you guys do not know what a bunch of unsung heroes you are. (I’m making a conscious effort to change my former lurker ways and leave copious comments. Hence that post I made a while ago.)

And, like, if you have any recs? Throw ‘em at me. Your stuff, your friends’ stuff, the guy you talked to at the store last year’s stuff, just anything. Any fandom, pairing, whatever. No rules or parameters. The limit does not exist.

How’s it going

AHAHA. Oh, boy. To give you an idea: COVID has had no real, direct effect on my life. It was more like the universe saying, “Here’s a cherry to put on top of the shit sandwich I already gave you,” after it had already lit me on fire.

Ugh, I don’t mean to sound this alarmist. I am totally okay. All my needs are met. Geez, I have internet! I have four very affectionate, needy pets who love me. I have a good therapist whom I don’t need health insurance to see. I'm doing fine! I’m even fairly...if not happy, exactly, then, content, most days.

I’ve just had a lot of very hard setbacks in recent years that pretty much decimated my support network and exacerbated my mental health diagnoses to a minor flashpoint, and it’s been a slow, uphill battle toward some semblance of “normal” for a while. But I’m getting there.

The mere fact that I’m on tumblr and trying to participate in something again is kind of a big deal for me. And it’s going great! You have all been welcoming and wonderful. And like, I really really hope this level of honesty doesn’t drag anything down or make things weird, because I don’t mean to do that. I’m just a painfully honest person; I can’t help it. Fandom shenanigans are what I’m here for. If I can also maybe make a few friends? That would be amazing extra icing on the cake, but for real, I’m just wildly happy to be here!

Tagging

I don’t feel like I have the authority to tag anyone. I am a newb who’s just glad to be in the metaphorical room. I love reading these, though. Y'all are some seriously cool people.

[wildewinged-fr]

20 question thingy

Rules: answer 20 questions so your followers can get to know you better, and tag 20 other people you’d like to know better.

name: wouldn’t y’all like to know

nickname: wilde

pronouns: they/them, she/her, i’m pretty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about pronouns

zodiac sign: virgo

height: 5′4″

languages spoken: english

nationality: american

favourite fruit: apples!!! i have and would eat like half a dozen apples in a sitting i fuckin love em

favourite season: autumn!! love me some hot drinks and APPLES and halloween

favourite scent: baking chocolate chip cookies

favourite colour: hmm... brown? gold? something in that neighborhood

favourite animal: cats

favourite fictional character: if i have to choose one... probably Spock, i’m a big ol nerd

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: i love tea. absolute fave. if i’m drinking coffee it damn well better taste mostly like chocolate i can’t stand it otherwise

number of blankets you sleep with: one sheet, one blanket, one quilt. only change between seasons is if i shove the quilt off or not

when was your blog created: uhhh i had to check lmao. this blog, june 2016. i had another FR blog before that but it was a sideblog and that was getting annoying so i made a separate account.

favourite subject: i’m one of those assholes who liked/did well in p much every subject, but english and science were always my faves. 

currently watching: father brown bc i hang with @nirnrootnoises a lot and that’s what they’re watching lmao. i’d watch it myself though, i like a good murder mystery

stopped watching by accident and need to finish soon what are you doing: hmm. too many to count honestly. as a star trek fan i’m most embarrassed about failing to finish TNG though lmao

favourite band: aw geez i’m bad at this question, i tend to like individual songs rather than bands. buuuuut the nostalgia factor of panic! at the disco, fall out boy, etc. makes those stand out

instruments played: used to play the piano and percussion but i am quite lapsed lmao. 

favourite book: i’m in a long term relationship with The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, hence the username/nickname. it’s got discussions of the meaning of Art and Beauty, many a witty quip, and gay, what more could you want? it’s public domain go read it

and i’m fairly certain most people i know on here have been tagged already, but if you haven’t go for it 👍

[sayonarashadow]

yooo guess what i was tagged by that mcfreakin awesome loser morecoffeethanhuman!! she comes up with some gosh dang good questions lemme tell u

Rules (which are 4 losers) 1. Always post these rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people

1. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this year?

oh geez.. this year i think itd be becoming friends with my newfound crush and also finally deciding to watch rick and morty  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2. If you could spend a day with a fictional character, who would you choose?

listen,, we all knew i would pick prompto..., leave me alone

3. Are you good at making spur of the moment decisions?

CAN i make them? yes. do they turn out well? not usually  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ x2

4. Writing or typing?

boi u kno every millennial is gonna pick typing. i type at school whenever i can. it also helps me evade the inevitable “your handwriting is so small!!” and “i cant even read cursive how do you do this??” comments

5. Phone calls or texting?

hmm tough call (ha) but i think the anxiety up my ass is gonna go with texting

6. When seeing friends do you prefer to go out, go to their place, or have them come to yours?

if i dont know them super well then i prefer to go out somewhere like the movies, but if i consider them a close friend then we’ll switch between my house and theirs to hang out. i like going to other people’s places tho bc there’s nothing to do at my house except play video games and i like to see what other people’s houses are like

7. Does having uncleared phone notifications bother you?

nope!! i often have 30+ unread text messages in a group chat (one time it reached upwards of 100), and ive always got notifs from apps i never use/open

8. Do you forgive easily?

kinda yeah? if its a repeating offense then maybe not, but most of the time its my fault anyway and i just need time to realize that lmao

9. What do you do to cheer yourself up?

if im not feeling too down then i just listen to music and play a game like the sims 3 or smth, but if im feelin real depressed then i turn on sonic adventure 2 and play until i feel better B)

10. Have you ever had a phobia?

i had pretty bad hydrophobia until a couple years ago, ever since i almost drowned in a pool when i was little. its a little better now, but i wouldnt willingly go in the ocean or anything. ive totally still got the typical anxiety phobias of talking in front of large groups of people and phone calls tho

11. If you had to choose one song to sum up how things have been recently, what would it be?

death by glamour after digging through my itunes playlist i narrowed it down to dog days are over by florence + the machine or girl that you love by p!atd. so take that for what you will.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ x3 (no that was not meant to be an emoji)

fooorrr these questions i am supposed to make up, which i tag kyoraneko, patar-fuifui, craftie-cult, captmarine, occasionalobsessions, megalopoliis and neogreenhillzone to do (and anyone else who wants to do these):

1. What do you want most right now?

2. What is your favorite movie?

3. How much do you like your hair?

4. Will you please give me one million dollars? If not, then please reconsider.

5. What game did you play last?

6. How long have you known your best friend?

7. What is your favorite class that you’ve ever taken?

8. What is your most valued possession?

9. What video did you last watch?

10. How many songs are on your iTunes/Spotify/whatever music platform you use?

11. Which of these questions took you the longest to answer?

[blasphemousxo]

I was tagged by @patricksilverrose Rules: Answer the questions & tag 20 blogs you want to get to know better! Nicknames: My girlfriend calls me her bumblebee and my best friend used to call me Benson Star Sign: Gemini. Height: 5′5 Time right now: 9:36 Last thing I Googled: Disney store Japan Favorite music artist: My Chemical Romance and Gorillaz Song stuck in my head: Where you are from moana Last movie I watched: Kiki's Delivery Service Last TV show I watched: Star vs the forces of evil What am I wearing right now: Pyjama pants and a bomb-omb shirt When I created this blog: Ah geez early 2012 The kind of stuff I post: whatever I want baby but I really like posting childhood nostalgia stuff from the 90s and early 2000s Why I chose my url: I wanted a longer version of the name Sally and now it's my brand Gender: agender Hogwarts House: Slytherin Pokémon team: Instinct if this is talking about pokemon go if not team skull is cool Favorite Color: Midnight Blue Average hours of sleep: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Lucky number: 13 I guess Favorite characters: Nathan Prescott, Sasuke Uchiha, Sally (nightmare before Christmas), Jiji, Jose Carioca I could go on honestly Dream Job: I don't have one I just want death Number of blankets I sleep with: 1 or 2 Dream fictional character that you would want to be: Probably lilo from lilo and stitch since I've always related to her One interesting fact about you: i collect too many things I tag: whoever wants to do this I guess I'm lazy

[soapsynth]

I was tagged by @thegirlwhocountsstars - aaahh thank you so much!!!!! 

Rules: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… and most importantly, HAVE FUN!

A - Age: 15

B - Biggest fear: getting diseases like cancer n stuff, just like, dying in general

C - Current time: 1:01 am

D - Drink you last had: water

E - Every day starts with: well if it’s a weekday I just lie in my bed for 30 minutes thinking about how I wish mothman would come pick me up in his soft feathery wings and fly me away so I don’t have to go to school. if it’s a weekend I go downstairs and chill on the compute.

F - Favorite song: OH GEEZ i literally have no idea there’s too many!! im rly feelin the 1975 rn so some of my faves by them are: loving someone, me and fallingforyou. also ribs by lorde, forget not yet by american gospel, 33 “god” by bon iver and this marina and the diamonds remix are really rad. and there’s like.. a LOT more but those are just the first songs I thought of!!

G - Ghosts, are they real: oh gosh maybe? idk theyre really scary, but like, if a nice ghost wants to hang out n stuff, hmu

H - Hometown: a TERRIBLY BORING suburban town in/near ottawa, in canada. I hate it so much, nothing happens!!!!!

I - In love with: mothman

J - Jealous of: people who have friends who they love and who love them and they hang out a lot and do like,sleepovers and talk a lot and they just love each other.. like what the heck, unbelievable?? alSO pretty people, people who look nice? and people who are really great at art? heckin.

K - Killed someone: that’s awful, noo!

L - Last time you cried: oh boyy, last thursday when I was studying for my science exam I mcfreakin lost it 

M - Middle name: elizabeth

N - Number of siblings: one :^)

O - One wish: aaaaahh idk?? maybe that I could live a life right out of a book or movie or something. yknow like, I can shapeshift and go to a magic school, or I live near the ocean and fall in love with a mermaid, or both at the same time tbh. I wanna go on adventures and do interesting things!  

P - Person you last called/texted: @joshdunthebean :)

Q - Questions you’re always asked: I can’t really think of anything I’m regularly asked lmao. idk i guess, from relatives “how’s school” 

R - Reasons to smile: my dog aka the actual love of my life, i love her so so much, regaljoe and aubrey anna (theyre yootubers i lov them), big dogs boof boof, my cousins lmao, the fact that star wars comes out this year!!, the thought that like??? maybe I could like? date someone one day ?? 

S - Song last sang: well i’m listening to the preditory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens rn and im sorta singin along

T - Time you woke up: 8:45 am

U - Underwear color: black

V- Vacation destination: id love to visit japan, it seems really neat! also I’m always up for returning to iceland tbh

W - Worst habit: probably procrastinating o man

X - X-rays you’ve had: just the teeth ones at the dentist

Y - Your favorite food: I really dont know, depends what I feel like.. I really love most desserts, but also my dad makes some sick steak, also some asian food is rly rad and also I love fruit like strawberries n stuff

Z - Zodiac sign: leo but like.,I never relate to leo’s zodiac sign stuff  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I tag: @sarcasticpineapple, @vvharves, @sixteen-bees and @fennekki :^)

[hotgirlnaruto]

Rules: Tag 20 followers you want to get to know better

tagged by @oikawacentric ahh thanks so much!

name: sarah

nickname: sarai, sarah d, siri (my friends are so creative lmao)

gender: female

zodiac sign: sagittarius

height: 5′3″ on a good day

sexual orientation: asexual

hogwarts house: ravenclaw

favorite color: forest green or gray

favorite animal: uhh otters? also i feel ocelots deserve an honorable mention

time right now: 11:07 AM

cat or dog person: cat person x10000

favorite fictional character: remus lupin, my son the light of my life, also a constant source of sadness

number of blankets i sleep with: 1 at school bc it’s hot af in my dorm room and 2-3 at home

favorite singer/band: young the giant, and i’m seeing them in march and i’m SO PUMPED!

dream trip: honestly just… all of europe. like give me a couple months to just travel from western europe to eastern europe and i will be happy forever

when was your blog created: february of 2013 if i’m not mistaken (just in time for the mishapocalypse yikes…….geez i’ve been on here too long)

when did your blog reach its peak: well i’d like to think it hasn’t reached its peak yet haha i am a lot more active on here than i used to be but i also still don’t have all that many followers so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

what made you decide to make a tumblr: i was obsessed w fan art, especially w artists like viria and burdge, so when i saw that they were more active here than on deviantart (lmao) i made a tumblr

why did you pick your url: bc i love dick gansey iii and also relate to him a lot i guess?? idk it was on a whim and i’d just finished trk and was #dying

i tag @jeremyknocks (i feel like we know each other pretty well but i also don’t know your favorite color haha), @saint-tibbles @meme-my-self-and-i and uhh any other mutual who wants to do this i guess? i’ve never spoken to almost all of you and i feel bad so yeah I’D LIKE TO KNOW ABT YOU

[pisati]

I think where I was confused was how you talked to me at first.

you did say you wanted to be more than friends, though that was a while ago. there’s a lot you said that ‘just friends’ don’t say to each other. the dreams, the voice thing, getting jealous over dave and what happened over festivus. my impression was that maybe it was the case that you felt things but I messed it up. I did like you. took me a while to figure it out. not head-over-heels or anything, but I actually felt an emotion for the first time in literal years, and it wasn’t sick to my stomach. I enjoyed the time we spent talking and watching things together. I like seeing your name pop up on my phone, and I like when you tag me in posts you think I’ll like (because I do like them!). I don’t mind you joking around; I need a good laugh every once in a while. I like having the hope that someone might not get sick of me. you don’t want me falling for you or trying to ‘fix’ you, so, you got it. no prob. easy enough.

maybe I hoped you still felt the way you did at first. that I could fix what I messed up. but I guess I can’t, and that’s okay. you’re right though; we do still barely know each other. it’s kind of easy to lose sight of that when we spend so much time talking anyway; when we’ve already seen a lot of each other. you do talk to me differently now than you did before, but you’re right. we’re not anything. I’ve been well aware of that. I’m sorry that it’s been weird for you, but I do wish you would have brought that up sooner. I’m generally pretty laid-back too, which... maybe isn’t so obvious now. I’m also the kind of person who’s very open. I don’t mean to talk to you like we’ve been dating for years, but I’m comfortable talking to you and there’s not a lot I’m super uncomfortable talking about, with anyone. you can absolutely tell me if it’s too much. I should probably learn to stfu more, honestly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I didn’t know how stressful work was for you, but I suppose I should have known better. the devs at my last job were going nonstop too, but at least they were allowed to listen to music. geez. I didn’t know it was like that for you. I guess it set the wrong kind of... expectation? when you started talking to me during a break, when you had lots of down time. I really do appreciate you taking what time you do take to talk to me-- more than I let on. but I guess I did overestimate the time you have; not everyone’s life is as empty and boring as my own is right now, ha. I don’t want you to wear yourself too thin, and I don’t mean to demand any of your time, especially not more than you have. I feel really bad now about you taking more out of your down time to write out that post when you didn’t want to. but I really do appreciate that you at least value me enough to give me a thought-out response.  

about that 20min message... I don’t even think I realized I’d been talking for that long. I’ll try not to do that again, ha. I do need to be better about remembering that you’ll get to things when you get to them too. I have that same issue with another one of my friends. it’s those kinds of things I want to improve on more than anything; I don’t want my friends to feel smothered or like I’m being demanding. that’s not how I see myself, my personality, and I need to learn how to embody it better. 

I really am sorry that I made you uncomfortable. I wasn’t upset about you not wanting to watch Bobs Burgers last night, I guess I was more upset that you said “maybe” so many times that it felt like you didn’t want to watch anything at all with me anymore. I hate feeling like I’m falling out of favor with anyone. but, like... I know you can’t predict the future or what kind of energy you’ll have. I need to not let things like that upset me, and that’s on me. you’ve reassured me enough. also I don’t want you feeling bad for taking a day to yourself; I didn’t know that’s what it was that one day. you’d been talking to me every day and then one day you weren’t; I pick up on breaks in patterns like that and it can stress me out. you don’t owe me your time, you’re right. with how stressful work is... you do need time for yourself. please don’t think I don’t want that for you, or that I can’t handle it when you do take time for yourself. I’m really not that needy, I just didn’t know. you don’t owe me an explanation either, but like.. if we’re talking every day, it’s just nice to know if you’ll be gone for a bit.

and you’re right, I don’t have a right to your attention. that’s another thing I need to work on: internalizing that people talk to me because they want to. you reserve the right to put your foot down, and you need to, for your sake. I don’t want to be overbearing. I think in trying not to be overbearing, though, I’ve actually retreated entirely from a lot of my friends, which isn’t healthy either. I want to find a healthy middle, where I feel good and where my friends are comfortable too.

as far as my tone... I apologize for that too. I’ve had to adopt that edge because often when things get tense I’m met with even harsher energy. I don’t know how other people have talked to you but you said it was “familiar” and not in a good way, so I can imagine. I really don’t mean to be like that. I would like you to let me know if my tone or word choice or something upsets you, so that I can become more aware of it. not just for your sake, but so I know when I’m crossing boundaries. not everyone is as abrasive as my friends can be, and not everyone handles that abrasiveness well. it’s not going to upset me more to say something to the effect of ‘hey, watch your tone’; it might even help me take a step back, take a breath, and approach whatever the issue is more calmly. which is the approach I want to take when it comes to things like this. I know you said not to try to ‘fix’ myself for other people, but this is just.. me wanting to be better so I can have healthier relationships in general. I grew up with my mom getting angry and letting things escalate her anger until she’d take it out on me and I don’t want to be like that. with anyone. I’m not always the most self-aware. I’ve had people ask me what’s on my mind when I didn’t even realize I was making a really obviously confused/annoyed/dissatisfied face. I don’t always respond to my own feelings in a healthy way, as you’ve seen, and I want to improve that for myself primarily, but also because it does affect other people.

maybe not a lot is wrong with me necessarily, but I know there are things I can improve on. I lived alone for my last two years of college, and I’ve been basically socially isolated for almost the last two years since I graduated, being at my last job and now just being at home. I think in some ways I’ve reverted to some unhealthy ways of thinking and acting and I don’t like it, at all. I know I can be better, because I have been better. and you said that there’s nothing I did wrong, necessarily, but you were just about to tell me we can’t be friends anymore. I did misstep, and it was absolutely something I did and can be better about. also I didn’t mean “please tell me if I do something wrong so I can be better” to sound like we were dating; there’s things I can improve on in any relationship I have with anyone, friendly or otherwise. I ask the same thing of my other friends, too. friendships don’t come packed in neat little boxes; sometimes you gotta work on them too, if you want them to work. I didn’t realize that the way I was talking was overstepping a line for you, as my friend, but now I do, because you told me. see? learning. doing better.

as far as my friend (and I know you said this didn’t matter, but I still want to be clear)... his name is Alec. different A. he is ridiculously attractive, and all our friends say so, in a friendly way of course. I think you’re allowed to appreciate that in someone regardless of how you feel about them. I didn’t say I’d ‘never say no’ to him, what I said (and meant to say) was that if things had gone differently, if he hadn’t been with Mere, his now-ex-wife, for the entire time I’ve known them, if then he had put the moves on me? he’s absolutely the kind of person I could see myself falling for. he’s sweet, charismatic, and a genuinely kind and caring person. that is what I see primarily. the reality is, he’d been with Mere for at least 5 or 6 years before they got engaged in 2016 and married in 2017, and I hardly spent much time with either of them until... about the last year or so. we’d hung out, but always with other friends when I’d visit between 2014 and now. so friends, yes, but not terribly close. it did make me uncomfortable to think about Alec dating someone else, and I wondered if Mere was aware of what was going on. if that were me instead, now? it wouldn’t have even happened. not just because of Mere. even if she and I fell out, over what, I couldn’t imagine, and the opportunity were there, I’d still be deeply uncomfortable with it for reasons I can’t quite put a finger on. 

anyway, I don’t think it’s at all unusual to ask yourself what if [such and such] were to happen? about people you’re friends with. if you could potentially like them. and it’s healthy, I think, to be able to think about it and say, no, I’m good where things are, for such and such reasons or no reasons at all, and still genuinely enjoy their friendship. I shouldn’t have brought it up in that post at all; it wasn’t relevant, it was just a thought that would never, ever play out. but I do ramble sometimes. just talk to talk. things pop into my head, I write them down. it honestly wasn’t even something I’ve ever given much thought to, let alone serious thought. which is why it took me til today to realize, oh geez, no, if anything did happen now, with the way things are, it would actually make me very uncomfortable. not to mention he’s polyamorous and I’m very much not. even if my hypothetical situation had been reality, neither of us would have been happy with each other. that was a thing I didn’t give much thought to either. I do think he’s attractive and a wonderful person, definitely things that lend to my ability to be attracted to someone in that way, but... still no. again with the “I’m not always good at wording what I mean” thing. 

but more generally, I don’t think about my friends in that way. maybe I’ve asked myself what if? a few times, but it feels like a thought experiment more than an actual desire of mine. in that way I suppose it could be unusual to entertain the idea at all. if I think about anyone in that way in any seriousness, it accompanies the thought of having a relationship with that person. I wish to god I could call A my ex, but I can’t. we’re only still “just friends” because I valued our friendship more than anything, and I would rather have had that than nothing at all. even that hookup I almost had at farm jam; even if I did it and regretted it, I’m sure I still would have wanted to get his number, talk to him, see if I would actually like him. but you’ll see me how you want to see me, plus you already said it doesn’t really matter anyhow, so. I guess I’m just putting it out there to put it out there. it does bother me when people have the wrong impression of me, and especially when it’s because I can’t explain what’s going on in my head well enough. I don’t think that how I see these things is unreasonable, but also you and I do have very different relationships to attraction, that I’ve noticed. that would be an interesting conversation to have, honestly. purely for understanding. you’re right, my brain really is in the way. 

I appreciate your friendship very much, and all the effort you’ve given to me; probably more than I deserve. and I’m sorry things took a weird turn. part of me wants to say, “start over?”, but there’s no second chances, really. if you want some more time away from me that’s okay too. I’m sure if I had to deal with me that’s what I’d want, ha. but uh. I do want to stay friends. the thought of you being out of my life entirely did upset me a lot. I meant it when I said you’re one of the most positive things in my life as of late. after the year I had last year... talking to you was like a breath of fresh air. I do need to work on being a better friend, and not just for your sake. I’d hope we’re not incompatible on a friendship level, because I agree with what you’ve said before: I also think we bond well. but you’ve seen some pretty ugly sides of me by this point and if we’ve finally hit your breaking point, then that’s that. I’m not going to beg you to stay in my life if you don’t want to. I’m not going to bend over backwards or try to change myself to be someone you’d like more. if it seems like I’ve done that, I apologize for that too. I don’t think I do it consciously, if I do it at all. our conversations have gotten me to introspect a little more, and it’s always nice to learn more about yourself, I think. but I’m not that desperate to keep anyone around. it’d suck if you left. like, majorly. but I’ve hurt worse. you gotta take care of yourself too.