#gay? maybe who cares they dont need lables

[griancraft]

for the @slenderverseexchange​ thingy! made for @mementheomori​ aka @shittymarblehornetsaus​ I hope you like it dude! your prompt inspired me a lil bit too much and I went a bit overboard haha. very glad I got u as a giftee :)

[bcfruitpals]

 Mixing fanart with OCs has not been working out for me on my main blog so here we are  Im gonna use this one mainly for fruitpals and maybe some fancharacters as well, its all gonna be categorized when done I prefer to post my old art first before posting the new content so most pics youve probably seen before, sorry about that main blog FA DA (is NOT up to date yet) freshes stuff usually on pat quick FAQ - who me?  Im 27, he/him  Call be BC or coroner. I need a pen name but i don’t have one lol Im friendly if socially inept, feel free to @ me. My response time is slow. - this blog minor friendly?   No, not really.   I don’t post porn and technically i my edgies work could probably go for NC-16 maybe? Internet says PG-13 but i dont believe them. I think the edgiest thing ive posted here was a full butt in a non-sexual situation, but im just Hugely uncomfortable with the idea of adolescents observing butts on the internet with their eyeballs. Im an old man, i don’t need this in my life oTL TLDR; I wont shame you just please use your discretion. - wtf is fruitpals  Basically pinup models. I dont write text, so i just need pretty looking people i can draw for comfort. They have personalities and all, but im really bad with giving them names or picking a one solid setting for them.  I made these characters for my comfort routine for mental health and i find putting them in one solid setting to be restrictive.  So im using codenames instead of giving them actual human names.  One of my oldest characters is Almond. His earliest physical characteristic was that he smells similar to almonds, very mild smell. So i just named him “almond”.  The rest of the characters were also named in similar vein. Its not all random, but its not super important either. And no, these are not the names they use in-universe when they talk to each other lol. It just meta lables because i can’t tag them as “the red one”, “the blue one”, “the other blue one” haha.  This has nothing to do with slur for gay people, im just bad with names. - women?  No women here. I don’t put past myself creating a genderfluid character that ventures into femininity zone, but i don’t have any currently.  Everyone i write are of varying degree of masculine, NB or agender.  I dont draw porn so feel free to assume the status of their pants party.  I do from time to time draw characters who are chubby with excess fat on the chest area so i understand any possible confusion. - you furry?  I dont identify as a furry.  I personally think that you need to actually kin with non-humans to be a furry, not just draw art.  Im only attracted to humans.  Would i want to be a 12ft tall alien with six hands? Sure, i would not mind it, but im happy as a human. Me being a human does not cause me frustrations.  The reason why i draw cartoony characters with non-human faces is that i have pretty bad scopophobia. When i draw human OCs i feel very judged, its discomforting. It does not work with non-human looking faces.  Plus, fun colours are fun and being creative with different anatomy rules is entertaining.  I don’t care what hobbies other people have and i don’t care if people see me as a furry. The reason why i don’t to call myself a furry or monsterfucker is because if aliens land on this earth and they are friendly and looked non-human i wouldn’t date one lol. Which kind of defies the purpose of being in these subcultures, no?  I have a side thing that i call reverse furry, its pretty much sums up all of the parts im attracted to in humans with the creativity that non-human characters afford. - can i tag your pics as kin/fem/wlw or use it for my projects?  Sorry, but it’s a firm no.  When i post fanart on my main blog i love when people like it enough to tag as kin. And i dont mind when people tag my fan art as fem/wlw - im just happy i made people happy and what headcanons they have is literally none of my business.  However, this blog is specifically made for my personal works. And im not comfortable with these things happening around my personal works.  Thanks for your understanding.

[rainbowdoom32]

So I'm going to start identifying myself as aspec. Previously I identified as a bisexual aromantic but upon furthur consideration I might be asexual.

I'm posting about this b/c 1) it puts it out there and makes the lable feel more real and tangible

2) I know some of y'all IRL or on a personal enough basis that I feel you should know

3) A queers need more visibilty in gen

4) cause I want to talk abouy it

So Idk how to do a read more and am on mobile so if you dont want to hear about what being aspec means to me start scrolling now

So. In the aspec community (do we have a better word?) theres an overwhelming discourse about sexual and romantic repulsion. For those of you who dont know thats when the idea of sex , sexual content, sex itself, the idea of romance, romantic gestures, and/or romantic content acts as a squick for you it creates some spectrum of a revulsion in you to be confronted with one or more of these things. Its an overwhelming discourse for many reasons but the one I want to talk about is that it makes it obvious that your ace or aro if your repulsed by sex or romance. The process for discovering your aspec identity is easier in a way, specifically in a way it isnt for me.

See I dont experience sexual or romantic repulsion. I like romance stories and porn. I actively seek these things out. I'm not put off by discussions of others romantic or sexual lives (specific aspects may repulse me but in general I'm interested in these especially when coming from people I care about). So naturally as a teenager I never considered myself as aspec. i considered myself bisexual almost immediatly (there was a thing where I thought I was tricking myself into thinking I liked women to be included in the queer community. More on that later) it took two very short very middle school esque (one took place my sophmore year) relationships and an accidental internet encounter with the concept of aromantisim for me to realise that the reason this wasnt working for me was because I didnt really want it.

The more I thought of myself as aro the more things made sense. At the slumber parties as a kid I never had a crush to confess. Those two failed relationshios? Guy friends I'd gotten real close to and thought my new stronger friendship feelings must be what romantic attraction feels like. Also the real sticker, I dont get jealousy in romance at all. Like that one goes over my head. I dont understand why cheating is the worst thing someone can do in a relationship to the point that people who've been sucked into a cycle of abuse and have become convinced everything is their fault will snap when they discover they were cheated on. That is absolutly mind boggling for me.

The point of that is I never got that ew ick romance feeling. As a reult the road to discovering I was aromantic was long and and full of doubt. Doubt that went along the lines of "Maybe I just havent found the right person". Which also happens to be the exact thing my mum says to me everytime I try to explain that Im aromantic to her. Bisexuality she understands and accepts. This she doesnt. So even though I know intellectually theres no right person for me that niggling doubt remains andit haunts me.

Now im going to devolve a bit here and I know what this sounds like but im seriously not trying to be offensive just explain something

See I read a fanfic recently. I dont remeber how I found it but it was a Stony fic and the story and the set up were very romantic cliche. Basically Steve was Tony's booty call it evolves to friends with benefits Steve falls in love. Textbook stuff. But see theres a wrench because the author identifies as aromantic is with the definition we have aromantic. They write their identity onto Tony. Thats something we do in fanfic and in writing. But the problem I ran into is this: the author identifies as aromantic because they experience romantic repulsion(yes they told me this) so in the fic Tony is in love with Steve but experiences romantic repulsion. The idea of romance of romantic commitment makes him anxious and sick. This is how the author feels FWB allows them to experience intimacy without triggering their repulsion. Identifying as atomantic makes them feel not broken. This so good right? This is why we have labels

Except. When I read this part of the story it hurt me. Directly. See Tong Stark has Daddy Issues. Ehen the author wrote about Tony's romantic repulsion narritevly they tied it into Tony's not nice childhood. I dont know specifically why it wasnt part of thwir explanation when I told them their story hurt me. I didnt ask. But this narritive decision made what was essentially was an author expressing their experience as an aromantic in a story feel like a personal attack against my aromantic identity.

See when I read that what I read was "Tony Stark cant commit to an actual relationship with Steve Rogers because Howard Starks Grade A parenting fucked up his ability to recieve expressions of love and his ability to commit. Tony Stark is in romantic love with Steve Rogers but his childhood trauma prevents him from expresing it in the traditional manner this is what being aromantic is"

That hurt. Because it hit that little doubt in my head about not having met the "right person" and mixed it up with some childhood trauma made you a broken person. It also hit me while I felt safe. Romance stories are my escapism. Their like an extra element of fantasy in a story for me. I specifically seek out romantic stories as a comforting mechanism. Fanfics in particular because of their inclusivity. I was in my safe space, and I was whammed in a sore spot.

The problem is though the author has a right to that story and that label and to express themselves. We usually draw the line at self expression where it hurts other people but thats not what happened here. What happened here was definitial confusion. The author and I were using "aromantic" to describe two different but similar romantic orientations. In doing so we hurt each other ironically in the same way. We both said to each other "Your identity is wrong and toxic you hurt people and yourself by expressing it the way you do". (I left a comment saying how her story affected me)

When I say I'm aromantic I mean I experience no romantic feelings. None nada zilch. The idea that I might one day experience a type of romantic feeling is an aggression against me. The same way the idea that gay people can choose to be straight is an aggression against being gay.

But I can't invalidate someone else to protect myself. What do I do? I dont want to hurt myself and I dont want to hurt other people? Idk

And now to why I no longer identify as bisexual.

I'm a virgin. Because most peoples first time is with someone their in a romantic relationship with. And we'll I dont do that. Im also a socially anxious person. I have no idea how to instogate a sexual encounter and honeslty I wouldnt feel comftorable dping it with someone I couldnt trust or alternatively someone I'm friends with and would have to continue being juat friends with in post we had sex awkwardness. So ive never had an opportunity to have sex.

But I also havent sought them out. And I dont feel particularly driven to. These are reasons to think your asexual but I'm sure it's also the experience of many introverted and secually awkawrd people. And it's not like I couldnt have sex at some future point. Even now if an opportunity arose I might say yes, of only to confirm my asexuality.

The thing that has made me actually consider if I'm ace tho is a weird quirk of mine. I cant get off to prom videos. I use lit erotica. Why? Cause the idea that those are real live people puts me off. Porn stars and amateur porn makers know people get off watching their videos. Theyre okay with that. But I'm not. At all. Thats a big ol nope for me.

See I'm a ciswoman. Which means I have a clitoris. An organ whose only purpose is to provide pleasure. As everyone knows reciving pleasure via the clit requires no participation by a second person. The fact that my clitiros functions as intended and that I use it isnt sexual attraction.

Thats a new idea for me. But it's true isnt it? Sexual attraction is about other people. And sure I can appreciate other people's hotness. But just because I think a horse is pretty doesnt mean I want to fuck it. Remeber that thing about thinking I was faking bisexuality?? I was right. I wasnt sexually attracted to women. But what I hadnt bothered to consider because of heteronormativity was that I wasnt sexually attracted to men either.

Other fun fact in case you might be an ace person who's read this far (why? Also hi Katie and possibly Sadie but definelty Nishat. No im not implying any of you are ace) I dont have sex dreams. But I do have dreams in which I masturbate. So stick that jn your pipe and smoke it.

Anyways these are all experinces that I have that I feel neccessry to share to make it so the repulsion story isnt the only one out there. And also to start a discourse about how experiencing and not experiencing repulsion affect aspec experience. Thanks for reading!