#gave myself a stomachache getting mad about a guy I made up

[polaraaace]

8 irl weeks of RPing as Harrison have awakened a level of rage and frustration I thought Squidboy had permanently soothed out of me

[jcmorrigan]

What movie or tv show scared you the most?

OH HEEHEEHEEEEEE MY TIME HAS COME

I think this was probably the sign I was meant to be a horror fan, because I'm gonna talk about two movies here and neither one is a standard horror film. Now, I avoided horror films like the plague, but I now realize that's because of my aversion to jumpscares and gore, which have very little to do with actual scary stuff. I feared actual horror imagery as a small child, but basically once I read Coraline it all just turned around because that book gave me nightmares but I actually WANTED those nightmares and kept going back to the book. So what are the movies I just COULD NOT contend with?

First up, I have found that a lot of people have said this one, but really and truly, fuck Chicken Run.

I was...maybe ten when I watched it. Signed up for a goofy claymation adventure. What did I get? First of all, a whole lot of bleak color palette that warned me that this was not going to be a happy story. We are then shown the stakes right away: our entire main cast lives in a dystopian prison and if they do not find a way to escape, they will die. One DOES die. This is where a lot of people say they noped out right away, but actually, the execution of the dinner chicken in the first scene was tame for me compared to what would come next.

The pie machine. It's assembled, it's talked about, and eventually our two leads fall into it in a way that is designed to be fatal. Look, there are a ton of horror tropes in this scene alone. I haven't seen it SINCE THE ONE AIRING and I can still vividly tell you a lot of this. And if I walked into a horror film and asked for this, I'd come out super satisfied, but I was not expecting horror from this. First of all, I remember vividly the shot where you're looking from Ginger's POV falling down the shaft and the divider comes up to shunt her into the "meat" line. It's incredibly claustrophobic and you just get this almost jumpscare reminder that the character through whose eyes you see is regarded as nothing more than meat to be consumed. There is then an array of blades designed for close calls, and dough that essentially glues the lead characters down to a conveyor belt so they have to helplessly watch the death machines that are coming. Sticky stuff that roots you to one spot; that's another thing that just REALLY unnerves me and I love it if I'm reading CreepyPasta but I was not reading CreepyPasta; I was watching a children's film. The leads escape certain death by jamming the gravy system, causing the machine to overload on pressure, and here I feel like I should've been relieved that they escaped but instead I was the most unsettled of all when the pressure meter started climbing. I don't know if this film *gave* me a phobia of industrial accidents or if it just awakened what was already in my OCD little brain, but suffice to say that after this movie, I was hyper-aware of my own fear of things like hissing steam, rising pressure meters, and being in a room where large metal things were clanking. (I'm since over it; I've been exposed to it in enough things.)

Now, I was no quitter. I should have just noped out. But I didn't. I continued to traumatize myself. The next part of the film until the climax I don't remember so well - it wasn't as traumatizing - EXCEPT for the part where Ginger finds and rebuilds Rocky's circus poster. And now, as an adult, I can see how that was kinda supposed to be funny, like, "The goddamn chicken padded his résumé and the way they found this out was a circus poster." But little me was invested in these chickens, I wanted them to be happy, and what I saw was basically their death notice being signed with that scrap of paper with a cannon on it. I FELT that in my bones.

STILL NOT HAVING THE GOOD SENSE TO JUST EJECT THE TAPE ALREADY, I proceeded to the climax, in which what happens to Tweedy might be one of the most fucking awful things I've seen ever? Pinned upside-down in a superheated, confined space with rising liquid from below as the pressure meter starts climbing again. And her husband arrives just in time to see her like this but not in time to actually stop the explosion. Thank God it didn't actually kill her because even though I was already traumatized, that would've absolutely made it worse.

Thing is, ever since this movie scared the absolute shit out of me - and was probably the cause of the weird stomachaches I had for A WEEK after - I've kinda had this thing about reclaiming the scary parts and stomping on them while laughing maniacally. I feel like every time I've done a crossover project, there's been a temptation to write in an arc where the mains go up against THE PIE MACHINE and fucking win. And also there's whump with tons of comfort in my version to mitigate it all. I haven't done any such thing for TBTC...YET. But I know what I must do. I know who must destroy the machine and the Tweedys along with it. Buckle your seatbelts.

My final word before I move on is that as I ascend into adulthood, I think that for the most part, a rewatch of this film wouldn't traumatize me so badly. It'd still be gross and creepy in a way I think shouldn't be sent to children without warning, but I could deal with the imagery, maybe enjoy using it as whump fuel even more, maybe my horror side would really get into the peril this time. But the one thing I've realized is that this premise is fucked EVEN MORE if you're a grown-up, because as a child, you're sympathizing with the chickens. You want them to get free of this death camp environment. But as an adult, you start to realize that all Tweedy wanted to do was be a chicken farmer who sold pie, and her supposedly nonsentient animals ganged up on her in a display of unheard-of intellect among farm stock. This would then lead to her undergoing at least one near-death fate. Think about being a farmer in our world and the animals you keep GANG UP ON YOU LIKE PEOPLE because you're killing them for food. No thank you, no THANK you.

But surely this was a one-of-a-kind phenomenon. Surely, after this...after so many other people agreed with me; "Fuck Chicken Run"...no animation studio would ever pull shit like this again.

I had hoped that was the case until Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.

This is one I don't actually see lambasted as often. Maybe because the Chicken Run trauma crew grew thicker skins before this movie. I only sort of did. Maybe because no one ever actually invested in this film, having already predicted how much it would be garbage from the dumb humor in the trailers. Oh, but not me. I was a fool. Also my family picked it for a movie night so my fate was sealed anyway.

The original book is actually pretty frightening on its own. Food falls from the sky in such great numbers that it starts to destroy the world. Okay, that's terrifying. But kind of in the alluring way. I would keep coming back to the one page about the giant pancake on the school because the way it was drawn unsettled me so, with something huge and immovable blocking off the way to a building that usually has hundreds of innocent children inside. The film built on this and made it a thousand times worse.

Let's start with the goddamn Spray-On Shoe. Our main character is a mad scientist (but the good kind, apparently) whose list of bumbling failed experiments dates back to when he was a child and invented a spray you could put on your feet to coat them in shoes. He then gets laughed at because he didn't engineer a way to get the shoes off, and runs home in humiliation. Guys, the teasing/bullying factor is...not the most worrying thing about this story. There's a throwaway line about how Flint wears THE SAME SHOES into adulthood because to that day they simply cannot be removed. This seems like an incredibly urgent medical problem? Having your feet encased in the same rubber for years? The same rubber as when you're a kid? I just found myself thinking "What if my shoes never came off one day" and that terrifies me, okay? It's stupid and it's silly and it scares me. Even more than that, though, is the canonization of a polymer in this universe that can be sprayed on sticky and will literally never break no matter what you do to it, because that goes back to the pie machine dough principle. Being glued to a surface permanently is inherently terrifying and we'll go over this later because this is not the last fuckin time the glue shoes get brought up.

Flint invents a food-spewing machine. It ends up in the sky. He rides his popularity as it rains larger and larger food down upon the town and also the world. Most of this film up until the climax is unsettling but not AWFUL. Where it starts to go to shit is when Flint realizes his machine is too dangerous and shuts it off, only for the town's local greedy politician to switch it back on into an apocalyptic mode. So can we start with "Local town finds out its elected official is willing to sabotage their well-being in order to capitalize on the fame of a disaster-causing object?". Like, the whole film would've been solved so much sooner if there hadn't been a saboteur in the works - not a fun campy villain, mind you, but a saboteur who exists to drive the plot to the scary place. But I guess we need that narrative tension to justify having a film in the first place, so fine, I'll ride it out.

The main crew saddles up to fly out to the machine, which is now encased in a FLESH LABYRINTH of food, and...I'm just gonna rapid-fire the shit that happens at this part:

-The food turns sentient in order to defend itself. The cute animal sidekick brutally dismembers an army of gummy bears that is fully sentient and rips them apart to devour them.

-We enter the flesh labyrinth and it's exactly as much a horror RPG setting as you think it is.

-Now sentient cooked chickens besiege the party. The comic relief character is consumed by one, only to kill it from the inside and decide to WEAR ITS SKIN in what is seen as his defining character arc's conclusion. Wearing the skin of a dead monster allows him to forge his new identity.

-One of our party has to go back because of a tight passage lined with her deadly allergen, causing her to undergo anaphylaxis after an accidental mild nick. In the flesh labyrinth.

-The entire horrific journey is instantly INVALIDATED when it turns out that instead of the kill code for the machine, all Flint has is a file of a cat video. Which he finds out as the town is about to be obliterated off the face of the earth.

-So he solves it by jamming the works with the spray-on shoe and DID I NOT JUST GO OVER HOW HORRIFIC INDUSTRIAL EXPLOSIONS ARE IN KIDS' MOVIES? DID I NOT? ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS AGAIN? Anyway it's canonical proof that NOTHING can break the shoe glue and I should be happy for the town and happy that there's no more flesh labyrinth of living meat but instead I'm just terrified because of the door we have opened. We have imparted the existence of an indestructible sticky polymer upon the world.

-It's later seen used in a credits sequence to repair damaged houses. Which, first of all, given its flexible nature, is fuckin stupid. It won't serve as an actual wall. Second, that got me thinking about construction accidents involving the fuckin shoe glue. If that stuff gets dripped on a person's face -

-So then cue me sitting awake in bed later thinking wide-eyed about Cloudy with a Chance of Fucking Meatballs and realizing that this compound that is essentially a chemical weapon in the making is now in the hands of the mayor who deliberately caused an apocalyptic event over the town because he wanted the food rain. And THAT'S not going to lead to pretty circumstances.

I think you'll see that a lot of my fears with these two movies is "THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS!" and I think that just shows how my mind works and why I'm drawn to fanfic so much. I'm all about diving into a universe, exploring its corners, analyzing it to death.

And with the industrial horror stuff, I kinda wanna bring it around to two other films that actually really subverted my expectations and made it fun. 102 Dalmatians was a fave of mine through middle school, but I remember when the climax took us to a big ol' factory and I got plumb nervous. After the usual blades and ovens of horror, the fact that it concludes with Cruella basically wearing a cake and a lengthy montage of the dogs kicking toppings onto her is just one of the most wholesome imageries. She survived the thing and now you get to watch her be decorated Lisa Frank style by her victims who are more interested in humiliation than murder, and I love that.

But maybe more prevalent is that I'm well aware that if certain filmography or plot points had been handled in different ways, The Boxtrolls might've actually frightened the ever-loving fuck out of me what with all the industrial stuff and medical horror, but I just...felt like that film was holding my hand the whole way through going "It's okay." The industrial stuff was framed in a way that was just campy enough and yet also taken seriously. Putting a really charismatic villain - ACTUAL VILLAIN, NOT CHICKEN FARMER OR CORRUPT POLITICIAN SABOTEUR - at the wheel was just such a mitigating factor that it gelled the whole thing together and I ended up LOVING what was done with giant machines and garbage crushers and explosions. And as for the medical body horror, I really appreciate how it was so baked in that Snatcher did that to himself - that everyone, EVERYONE warned him "Do not do this, you will probably die, I'm serious, bad fucking idea" up to the point of Eggs trying to plead him during an anaphylaxis attack, one last time, DO NOT continue down this path, we can find a way to heal you psychologically and get you some self-fulfillment. And Snatcher fully chooses hubris over the many, many opportunities offered him to be able to step down onto a safer path and that removes the fear and pulls it more into a tragedy for the villain. Not at all the same thing as "Sam the reporter is trying to save the world and doing her best until a fixture of the landscape accidentally sends her into anaphylaxis."

(Oh, and by the way, can I just - when I do see CWACOM brought up these days, it's always in the context of "This is the one movie where the guy tells the girl it's okay to look nerdy!". Well, no, not the way I remember it. The way I remember it, Sam basically tells Flint "I used to have really tacky style but have since changed it up of my own volition" and Flint is just like "NOOOOO YOU NEED TO WEAR GLASSES AND A SCRUNCHIE. I WANT A HOT NERD GIRL." This could've been pulled off right with some more introspection into female beauty standards, even in a tongue-in-cheek way, but right now it really looks like Sam just wanted to make herself more glam for a new image and Flint bullied her into regressing her style. Which I've also realized meant he bullied her into dressing more like she did as a teenager and normally I think that kind of shit is just "You're overthinking it" but since it's CWACOM and I spelled it out on paper like that, I'm just now realizing how that can be seen as pretty...icky.)

The one saving grace of CWACOM is that I was older by that time, and so it didn't affect me as hard as Chicken Run. But I still hold it dearly to my heart as one of the MOST DISTURBING movies I know, and by "dearly" I mean "fuck this movie, really and truly." I want to extend my thanks to 102D and Boxtrolls for giving me industrial-horror-based climaxes that were actually really comfortable, and again, probably what drove both of these was the fact that we had a campy diva villain in the lead for the potential scary stuff to surround and radiate off. Not a fuckin...ordinary chicken farmer who is just trying to make bank but is somehow passed as a Nazi allegory for trying to live her life as a farmer? I dunno, maybe if I rewatched that film I'd see she has a thirst for human blood too, and if I could fix fic Chicken Run my first order of business would be to give her a thirst for human blood instead of/in addition to chickens.

Anyway. Fuck both these films, EXCEPT for the fact that traumatizing scenarios can always be recast as whump material, and the next time I wanna do some crossover aftercare from a physically and psychologically damaging mission, I have a pie machine and a flesh labyrinth to exploit. REALLY HEAVY ON THAT AFTERCARE COMFORT THOUGH!

[sick-atsumu-side]

9. A bad way to camp | Kageyama Tobio

Disclaimer: All of the characters belongs to Haruichi Furudate, they’re not mine.

Warnings: description of vomit, fever.

“Hey! Hope all is going well and I just want to say that I absolutely LOVEEE your work (like literally, your writing is amazing tysm)!

If you aren’t too over swamped with other requests lol what do you think about a sick Kageyama with the entire Karasuno team taking care of him? (or something like that)” @thebreadbiatch

Okay, I didn’t put like aaall the team taking care of him but everyone is involved, so I really hope you like it! Sorry for being late💘

“Oí! Kageyama! Let’s go to practice our quick attack!”

Kageyama sighed as he placed one hand on his forehead. It was night already and everyone on the camp went to sleep after having a shower, or that’s what Daichi said before Hinata asked him for help with his jumping.

“Kageyamaaa! you said you’ll go with me!’’

Tobio knew he had told Hinata that he would help, but right now he wasn´t in the mood for playing since he wasn’t feeling too great. The headache and the stomachache he had since morning was almost killing him now after having that shower. Deep in his heart he still wanted to play, though. But this was the first time he doubted doing it. He had to be careful.

“Ka ge ya maaaa!”

“I already heard you! Damn it! Why do you have to yell, you boke?!”

Hinata smiled and went rapidly to grab his volleyball ball in the sports room. At that time, Tobio took advantage of finally being alone so he sat down on a bench that was in the middle of the hall, with one hand on his belly and the other one rubbing his temple to ease his headache. His stomach was revolving itself now that he wasn’t focusing on playing, and he felt a little bit nauseous too.

In practice he felt that way too, but it wasn’t as bad as now. Although, they lost every game against Nekoma and Fukurodani that day.

Kageyama coughed slightly a few times, feeling the foul-tasting saliva on the back of his tongue. His whole body shivered because of it.

“Daichi-san! It’ll be only ten minutes I swear!” Kageyama removed his hands from where they were and looked confused at his friend, who was being held by the angry captain as he walked on the hall. “Five minutes? Oh, I know! Four minutes?! Kageyama, say something!”

“You two have to sleep, end of the discussion.” Daichi finally let go Hinata and then looked to the dark haired teenager as Tobio stood up. “You too, Kageyama. You look tired.”

The dark haired boy nodded slightly and Hinata made a scene because of it, but Kageyama tried to ignore him by walking to the dorm where the rest of the team was. Hinata was still arguing, this time at Daichi as they walked behind Kageyama. However, when Daichi made him an angry and a death glare, Hinata got quiet.

‘‘It’s unfair.’‘ He said under his breath with a frown.

Kageyama whined slightly, as he inhaled some air and then he exhaled it like if he was holding that breath from a long time ago. Daichi peered at him with a frown, curious. It was strange to see Kageyama too lethargic after playing some games in a row, that was Tsukishima’s thing, not Kageyama’s.

He didn’t say anything about it, anyway, but he would pay more attention to him from now.

“Brush your teeth you both and go to sleep, we a have another though day tomorrow.” Daichi said, as they came into the room where Tsukishima, Yamaguchi and Narita were the only ones sleeping. Daichi got surprised. 

‘‘Oh! Cards!’‘ Hinata ran immediately to the guys sitting in their futon as Daichi looked at them with a disapproval gaze.

“Why are all of you still awake? I told you to sleep.” 

Sugawara immediately stood up and smiled at Daichi, explaining the game as he pointed at the cards Ennoshita, Asahi, Nishinoya, Kinoshita and Tanaka were holding. 

‘‘C’mon Daichi-san, Kageyama! Join us!’‘ Nishinoya yelled, as Asahi was passing some cards to Hinata.

Daichi sighed with a smirk as he gave up, walking towards the group with Suga.

‘‘Alright, just one game.’‘He turned to face Kageyama, since he noticed him acting weird before. ‘‘You coming? Kageyama?’‘

‘‘No, thanks.” Tobio said. “I’ll go brush my teeth.’’

‘‘You are boring, Kageyama!’‘

Kageyama went to the bathroom after that, without hearing anything they say. The team got a bathroom in the dorm, so it wasn’t a big deal.

When he closed the door behind him, Kageyama went almost inmediately to the sink as he grabbed his toothbrush, pouring some toothpaste on it right before he started to brush his teeth. He looked at the mirror he had in front, as he felt a gurgle in the pit of his stomach. He looked sick as hell, because his eyes were tired and he had bags under them. He looked pale and blushed at the same time too.

Did he have a fever? 

‘‘Gu-eck.’‘

Kageyama made a strangled and noisy sound, similar to a choked gag as he pulled the toothbrush out of his mouth instantly, breathing heavily on the sink as a wave of nausea overwhelmed him. Damn it.

He was sick as a dog.

He breathed through his mouth a bit, spitting the toothpaste that was still on his mouth inside the sink. Then, he opened the tap of the sink to have some water. However, he felt another wave of nausea rock his body and he gagged again because of the disgusting taste his mouth had now. It was a mixtape of toothpaste and acid with something bitter. That made his gag réflex act more than usual.

Kageyama put the toothbrush where it was before and grabbed his stomach with both arms as it cramped. When was the last time he felt like this? And why? He couldn’t understand it.

Tobio gagged slightly on the sink once more, spitting more of the foul-tasting saliva. After that, he closed his eyes and tried to breath through his nose and mouth. Everything was spinning around him and that only made the nausea worse. A burp erupted from his throat as he grabbed the sink for dear life, his whole body shaking because of it.

“G-od.”

Something warm started to rise up through his esophagus and Kageyama knew he was going to throw up, however, this only got stuck in the back of his throat. 

‘‘Fuck.’‘ he barely muttered, hearing a bit of hard laughs in the room next to where he was.

If he throws up in there, they would now, wouldn’t they?

When Tobio felt like it was safe to walk, he made it to the toilet and kneeled in front of it, groaning a bit as a response to the chills his body was having. He burped again, feeling again the acidic taste of whatever this bug was, rubbing his stomach up and down under his shirt. His nausea was like a rollercoaster, it comes and it goes.

“Kageyama?! You still there?!” A knock on the door sounded hardly and Kageyama whined, spitting saliva inside the toilet. “Tanaka-san wants to pee.”

‘‘Stop, Hinata.’‘ Kageyama could hear Tanaka’s voice. ‘‘I can talk by myself.’‘

‘‘Kageyamaaaa!’’ Hinata insisted from outside, knocking the door again. ‘‘Are you pooping?”

“I’ll be out soon, you boke!’’ Tobio barely said, mad at the noisy orange boy as he gagged unproductively one more time. Maybe he should stop.

‘‘You see, Hinata? Now he will be mad at me!’‘

Kageyama sighed shakily, trying to ease everything on him as he flushed the toilet. The nausea subsided a bit when another knock sounded on the door, so he stood up and closed his eyes. He’ll let Tanaka pee and then he will get to the bathroom again to finish what he was doing.

However, everything spinned around him as he tried hard to steady himself by holding on the door.

“Kageyamaaaa! Tanaka-san is going to pee himself!” Hinata knocked again on the door. “Do you wan’t us to bring you a handsaw?!”

“Hinata! Don’t yell! You’ll wake up everyone here!”

“Daichi, you’re yelling too.”

That last voice was from Sugawara, Kageyama noticed. Finally opening the door as he walked outside.

Tanaka entered the bathroom and closed the door rapidly. He really wanted to pee.

“You sure took your time, Kageyama.” Hinata said, one eyebrow raised at him. “Wanna play cards? I lost two times before, but now I can surely bet you and everyone.”

Kageyama shook his head, placing two fingers on his temple as he closed both eyes in a frown. Damn nausea.

Hinata peered more deeply at him.

“Hey, you alright?”

Tobio gulped a bit or saliva, trying to ease his nausea until Tanaka exits the bathroom. He just needed to ignore Hinata.

“Kag- hey.”

When Kageyama lost his balance a bit, Shouyou was the one who catched him with a startled face. Tobio cursed under his breath.

“Oi, what’s wrong?” Hinata asks, as he tried to steady him while Kageyama bits his lips. “Daichi-san, I think something’s wrong with Kageyama!”

“I’m fine’, you boke.”

Daichi turned to face the first years and after putting down his cards, he stood up quickly to go where the two were with a serious look. Suga followed him, as the rest of the team just stared at them, worried.

Kageyama groaned a bit, as a shiver crossed his spine. Daichi had noticed, damn.

“Kageyama, what’s wrong?” Daichi asks softly, catching him instead of Hinata. Suga placed a hand on his forehead as Kageyama placed his back into the wall, almost dry heaving.

“Daichi, he’s warm.” Suga said, while Hinata looked worried because of it. “I think he’s sick. We should put him in bed and slow down his fever.”

Kageyama breathed heavily through his mouth and then closed it in a tight line, gulping down more saliva. He felt ready to vomit any minute, but he couldn’t say it. If he opens his mouth, he was afraid of vomiting right there.

What’s taking you so long, Tanaka-san?

“Kageyama, what else is bothering you?” Daichi insisted once more, still kind of holding him while Suga turned to face Asahi. “You can tell me, it’s your head? Your stomach? What is it?”

“Asahi, can you please go and bring us a wet towel? Kageyama might need it.”

Asahi nodded with his head as he stood up fast to do what Suga ordered, going rapidly outside the dorm since Tanaka was still in the bathroom.

“Wait, he has a fever?!” Nishinoya asks, standing up, clearly worried. “I heard that coke helps with fever. Maybe I have one in my backpa-”

Kageyama groaned in pain with a frown, before a gueck sounded from him as he placed a hand on his mouth desperately. A wet gurgle sounded in the back of his throat and Hinata noticed that.

“Wait.” Hinata warned. “I think he’s-”

“Shit.”

Another deep gurgle sounded from Kageyama’s stomach, before a wet belch bringed out a mouthful of sick through his mouth and fingers, soiling his shirt a bit. Daichi and Suga were shocked as Tobio coughed hard into his now soiled hand, groaning at the end.

Damn.

Immediately, Ennoshita got up fast to get a bin or a trashcan, while Nishinoya and Hinata started to yell in panic and worry.

“Shit.” Daichi muttered again, as he bended Kageyama’s down. His face looking at the floor. “It’s okay, not your fault.”

Another deep burp made Kageyama jerk, bringing up more sick into his hand and this time onto the ground, making Daichi take his distance to avoid the splash into his feet as Suga rubbed Kageyama’s soaked back.

“Ok.” Daichi gulped, a bit nervous. “Easy, Kageyama. Ennoshita will hand you a bin soon, it’s gonna be ok.”

“You have more?” Suga asks softly, a bit unsure of how to treat a sick Kageyama (who nodded at him) just like Daichi. However, they relaxed when they saw Ennoshita running to them with a bin.

Kageyama groaned, gulping a bit of sick. This was so embarrassing.

“Here.” Ennoshita said, as he placed the bin under Kageyama’s vision. “I saw him a bit off today, but I never thought he would be sick.”

Kageyama removed his soiled hand to gag a mouthful of warm liquid, which splashed into the bin with a sickening sound. Suga rubbed more circles on his back, as Daichi gulped in guilt.

“It’s okay, let it out now.”

He should have known that Tobio was sick.

“No one is watching.” Suga said softly, as he noticed Tsukishima waking up because of the yells of Hinata and Nishinoya. “You’ll feel better after, promise.”

Kageyama belched again another mouthful of colorful vomit, his whole body shaking because of it. His ears were pounding and he had tears in his eyes. It was the first time his team saw him like that.

He felt so bad.

“Hinata! Nishinoya! Can you please stop yelling?!” Daichi yelled at them, as Tsukishima sat up on his futon. “Behave you two please.”

Kageyama gagged hard, his whole body jerking under Suga’s hand as he threw up more into the bin. This time it came out from his nose too, so he coughed at the end. It hurted.

“What’s going on?” Tsukishima asked, looking at the mess with a sleepy frown. “Oh, I see. That’s bad, the King’s sick.”

“You too, Tsukishima. It’s not a time for a fight, go to sleep.”

Tsukishima sighed and rested his body on his futon again.

“Kay.”

Tanaka got out of the bathroom with a smile, which disappeared immediately when he saw Kageyama’s state.

“What happened?” He asked, walking towards Nishinoya.

“What do you think?” Daichi answered, after seeing Asahi entering the room with two towels on his hands.

“I brought these, I don’t know if it will work.”

Kageyama was just gagging bile and saliva by now, as his body shivered and his throat ached. He didn’t felt relieved at all. He felt cold and warm at the same time, he just wanted to sleep and make like nothing of this had happened.

“You done, Kageyama?” Suga asks, as he removed some of Tobio’s soaked in sweat hair from his pale but flushed face.

Kageyama nods, a bit unsure and not able to open his eyes. The light was too bright for him.

“Kageyama, next time told us if you feel sick.” Hinata stopped yelling just to say that in front of him, Tobio blew his nose in response. “Or maybe just tell Daichi-san or Suga-san, we are not judging you. Ever.”

Daichi sighs and smirks a bit.

“Next time I’m going to puke on you, so you stop yelling when my headache is killing me... boke.”

Asahi laughs at this, and so does Suga. At least, Kageyama was still the same even when sick. And Tanaka would have to explain why he took so long on that bathroom.

But first, they would remove Kageyama’s soiled shirt and then, they will put him in bed so he could rest.

Karasuno was a volleyball team, yes, but for Kageyama... it was like a family.

[taegijae-blog]

BREAKFAST DELIVERY 12

pairing: 2jae

genre: fluff, if you squint there’s angst

word count: 3k

description: the school’s hottest boy im jaebum wants to get a certain boy’s number.  but the first problem is: he’s unhappy and not eating.

status: completed

note: this was originally posted on wakaba’s wattpad @/jaeholics

| part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |

"Youngjae..." Jaebum had carried the freezing and shocked Youngjae over to a sunny spot behind the gym, a place where teachers usually never visit. Youngjae's eyes seemed sleepy as he shivered, Jaebum locking his arms around his body to preserve warmth. Both of their backpacks were also there. After Jaebum had burst out of classroom without saying anything to his teacher, he had found Youngjae's backpack thrown in the hallway. Carrying both of them, he’d run straight to the pool. That was his story up to the point where he found Youngjae being pulled dangerously close to the diving pool, and where his anger rose up to impossible levels. At least he was okay now. "Hyung..." Youngjae called out softly, coughing a few times. "You were the one who saved me, weren't you...?" Jaebum nodded. He brought Youngjae closer, leaning against one of the warehouses for sports equipment. "Yeah." Something made Jaebum's eyes blink, glistening ever so brightly. It was Youngjae's smiling face, staring up at the elder. "Thank you. Thank you so much." Shocked frozen for a second, Jaebum eventually returned a smile for the other in his arms. "No problem, Youngjae." He leaned down to nuzzle his face into the other's neck, breathing softly. "I'm sorry for yelling at you and slapping you. I really am," Youngjae said out of nowhere, sighing as he exclaimed so. He shifted his body so that he'd be even closer to Jaebum, feeling the comforting warmth of him. "I was just so... confused. I was scared at myself for being so mad that I guess I...tried to avoid you for a bit." "Mhm," Jaebum murmured, sighing into the soft and slightly wet skin. "I understand. I knew I should've told you earlier, but I was too dense to realize what it was doing to you." "It's okay." Youngjae was staring blankly at the scenery in front of them: cement, tall wire fences, and a few trees. "It really is alright. I've come to realize that I love the person called Def Soul' and that you are Def Soul. and how, by that logic, I love you." Youngjae peered up in order to look at Jaebum. "Jaebummie-hyung. It's always been you, hasn't it?" Although Jaebum was speechless for a second or two, he started to laugh softly. He loved this kid called Choi Youngjae. "I guess so." Jaebum reached over for his backpack and unzipped it, taking out something. "What's that?" Jaebum grinned to himself as he took out the small bag of homemade cookies. He opened it, taking one of the treats out and holding it between two fingers. "Have you eaten breakfast? Did you bring a lunch? If not..." Jaebum said in a singsong tone, pouting his lips in a rather cute way. "...Think about me, and then... eat." He stuffed the cookie into Youngjae's mouth. Chewing on it, the other giggled softly. "Thanks," he said as crumbs fell from his lips. "Hey," he whistled quietly. "Did you know that I used to be called fat constantly by these girls?" Jaebum's happy expression immediately dropped to a frown. "What? Who?" "I don't know." For some reason, the smile on Youngjae's face never faded away. "They just did for fun, I guess. They would come up to me during lunch especially and just whisper 'hey fatso.' So I thought about it a lot and decided that maybe I am fat. I didn't like how they would pick on me so I looked up how to lose weight. My naïve self ended up believing that skipping lunch and breakfast would be the best way to lose weight." Youngjae's chest rose high up and back down, which was something Jaebum's arms felt. "I was pretty unhappy and hungry, but I still kept doing it. My friends nagged me to eat. I wouldn't listen to them, though. So this is the strange part, right? Every piece of food you gave me, I would eat it happily and completely forget about starving myself. I totally forgot about trying to lose weight and whatnot. Which is weird, isn't it? Because I had no idea who you were, but you were still able to persuade me." "You literally cured this bad side of me, I think. You really are an amazing person, hyung," Youngjae finished with a big, wide smile and pat Jaebum, who was on the verge of tears, on the arm. "God... Youngjae...I'm so in love with you," he muttered to himself, shaking his head. "Are you still cold?" "Nope," Youngjae replied cheerfully, taking the piece of clothing from his torso and handing it back to the other. He went over to where his backpack was and hung it over his shoulder, throwing the other bag to Jaebum. "Do you want to go back to class?" "Not one bit," Jaebum laughed as he said so, also standing on his feet and carrying his backpack. He stood beside Youngjae, crossing his arms. "You should get a new change of clothes or you'll catch a cold." "Hm... yeah..." Peering down at his wet shirt and fanning it, he pursed his lips. "I don't have spare clothes, though." "You do at home." Youngjae grinned. He took ahold of Jaebum's hand, weaving their fingers together. "Come with me." "To ditch school?" "Yeah." The two started taking the back route of the school, planning to leave through the back gates. The gates were locked, they found, but Jaebum was able to help Youngjae jump over them. In Youngjae's free hand was the bag of cookies he received. He had all intentions to finish them once he was back at warm home. Before they took any more steps, Youngjae gave a gentle kiss to Jaebum's lips. He was unbelievably happy; it was like the times he yelled at him and cried because of him had never even happened. After all, those things only happened because of Youngjae's confused, naïve heart. Without the worry of being fat or not clouding his vision, he could clearly see that Jaebum was someone he loved. The only person who even when he was down; someone who would take care of him like he was born to do so. It was always the person he knew as Im Jaebum. Def Soul' was just Jaebum with a pair of sunglasses as a mask. That anonymous food donator and note writer was Jaebum too. He had all sorts of identities that Youngjae misunderstood, but he knew now that they all made up to be the same genuinely kind, benevolent person. "Let's go."

During his first period class, Jaebum's eyes wouldn't look away from his backpack that held a bag of homemade cookies. Would Youngjae still be willing to accept his food? Even after knowing who was behind all of it? He did know that Youngjae continued to not bring himself a lunch to school. Occasionally, he'd something light like a bag of chips (the kind that is 80% air) but that was basically it. He really thought it was amazing how Youngjae was able to control his hunger like that, especially in a cafeteria where a hundred or so students were eating happily. Jaebum felt frustrated at how little he knew about the junior. There were so many things he wanted to know so that he could take better care of Youngjae. What's his favorite food? Drink? What's his ideal type? He slammed his head onto his desk. This wasn't the first time he'd done so, and the teacher didn't bother to look back that time. "I've told you this before, Mr. Im, but please don't break your desk while venting your frustrations." Jaebum played around with his eraser, feeling bored. He was thinking about texting Youngjae before realizing that he had a low chance of getting a reply. what are you doing right now, youngjae? in class? of course you are. right. i want to talk to you. 🍽 Youngjae left his classroom early because of a stomachache. He kept thinking about how odd it was for him to even have a stomachache in general when he'd been doing his best to eat as less as possible. The only thing he’d eaten that morning was a slice of bread accompanied by a cup of water. All he knew was that the stomachache was painful. He couldn't walk very many steps before needing to clutch his belly, crouching over slightly. On one arm was his backpack, hanging by its straps. He’d tried mounting it on his shoulders but it quickly fell, since it actually made his stomach feel even worse. His brows were wrinkled as he stumbled down the hallway, searching for the infirmary. "What's this?" Youngjae's face was drained of its color when he realized that voice was familiar. He remembered it clearly: the voice that had spat at him while he was kicked by its owner. His head hung low as he pretended to not hear, making sure his face wouldn't be shown to the guy. Unfortunately for him, that just made things worse because he couldn't see properly and bumped straight into the voice. Goosebumps spread across his arms when he heard the displeased growl coming from the taller person. "Are you blind? Watch where you're fucking going!" Although Youngjae was scared, he was sure to keep his head down to cover his face. His stomach crippled him with pain but he had to deal with it, just for a bit longer. A horrible sense of doom overwhelmed him, though, when the other grabbed his collar and pulled him up. "That's hilarious. You're that little wimp I beat up before. Looks like you haven't learned your lesson at all, have you?" he scoffed, now grabbing Youngjae's chocolatey hair and tugging him to somewhere. "S-stop, please," Youngjae pleaded. Those were meaningless attempts as the guy only tugged on his hair harder, making him whine in pain. As if his stomachache wasn't enough, now he was dealing with this. In the process, he was forced to drop his backpack and it was left alone in the hallway. He was in far too much pain to even struggle and fight against him. Just as he was about to scream for help, the guy noticed and covered his mouth tightly with his hand. Youngjae really was frightened. His shaking hand reached into his pockets. Thankfully, his phone was in there. Youngjae double checked to see that the guy wasn't looking and, with his quivering fingers, he opened his text messages. He was afraid that his phone would be slapped away when noticed so he opened the first chat. jaybee [c.youngjae]: hyunh [c.youngjae]: hyungg [c.youngjae]: pleesas;; [c.youngjae]: heelp nme theres a; guyy [c.youngjae]: hes dragfing me to somewhere an I cant get away from him [c.youngjae]: help me [c.youngjae]: imm so scared

[jaybee]: tell me exactly where the fuck he's taking you [c.youngjae]: i,,i don't know [c.youngjae]: its,its outdoors [c.youngjae]: tthe field [c.youngjae]: pool [jaybee]: i'm heading there right now [jaybee]: youngjae fight back no matter what he does [jaybee]: youngjae [jaybee]: youngjae?? [jaybee]: i'm running [jaybee]: i'm on my way [jaybee]: oh my god [jaybee]: please be okay By that time, Youngjae had hidden his phone. The guy had dragged him all the way to the outdoor field and was approaching the swimming pool, where no teachers or students lingered at the time. The other grabbed him with both hands and flung him over the little fence surrounding the pool. Youngjae landed on the cement, a few scratches on his arm starting to bleed. He was holding back everything to not bawl in fear. The guy hopped over the fence, staring down at him in anger. "No one ever bumps into me twice. This'll help you learn, faggot," he spat, now pulling the collapsed Youngjae by the hood of his jacket. He was partially choking while being dragged across the cement against his will. The minuscule amount of oxygen he could breathe in wasn't the biggest problem he had at the moment. He could tell that he was being dragged over to the diving pool, measuring staggering meters deep. Youngjae's body locked up and was essentially frozen in fear. He couldn't swim. "Come on, cunt. swim for me." Youngjae was brought so close to the edge of the pool that his shoe grazed against some water. He couldn't do anything except make gasping noises and have his heart beat at unnatural rates. Was this the day he'd die? The metal fence made sudden rattling noises as footsteps stomped furiously to where the two were on the pool deck. Youngjae's eyes were squinting due to difficulty breathing, but he could sort of make out who the person was. "Hyu... ng..." he whispered, his voice raspy. Jaebum ran up to the guy dragging Youngjae and punched him without saying anything. "Get your fucking hands off of him or I'll beat the shit out of you!" he yelled in absolute fury. The other was equally angered and snarled, but only got another punch to his chest. He fell onto the ground in pain, but not before pushing Youngjae into the pool. Jaebum's heart stopped beating when watching him sink deeper into the water. "Youngjae!" he shouted, diving in after the boy, who was silently sinking deeper motionlessly. Jaebum grabbed Youngjae's shirt and pulled him towards him, wrapping an arm around him securely. He swam towards the ladder as quickly as he could, madly calling the other’s name. "Youngjae, Youngjae, Youngjae, oh my god..." Jaebum muttered shakily as he finally pulled him out of the water, still holding him tightly in his arms. Youngjae was unresponsive, his head drooping down with every attempt Jaebum made to wake him up. Jaebum's eyes were suddenly filled with even more rage than ever. he looked around to see where the guy who did this was. By that time, that guy already ran away, knowing that he'd get in major trouble. He'll never forgive that piece of shit for as long as he lives. The coughing sounds coming from Jaebum's arms caused him to quickly peer down. Thank God Youngjae was awake. He coughed up some water, suddenly beginning to shiver. "H-hyung..." he murmured weakly, barely peeking his eyes open. Jaebum's grip only tightened, concerned when feeling exactly how much the other was shivering. "Cold...cold..." "It'll be okay, Youngjae, you're going to okay," Jaebum reassured in a panicked voice as he took off his own hoodie and wrapped it around Youngjae's body. It was true that his skin felt almost ice cold, and that scared the elder. His eyes weakly opened, squinting at the one staring down at him. "Hyung...?" "Y-yeah. It's me, Jaebum." Youngjae wrapped his arms around the other's broader torso and stuffed his face into his chest. he was sobbing silently, his legs curling up unconfidently as he did so. Jaebum embraced him as though that the last time he would ever touch Youngjae, rubbing his back. "Iwas so scared...I can't swim...deep water..." "I get it, Youngjae, you don't have to say anything." Jaebum cooed as soothingly as he could, although that was difficult because he was freaking out too. Youngjae's shoulders quivered as he sniffed. "I'm so glad that you're here... Jaebum-hyung..."

"Youngjae..." Jaebum had carried the freezing and shocked Youngjae over to a sunny spot behind the gym, a place where teachers usually never visit. Youngjae's eyes seemed sleepy as he shivered, Jaebum locking his arms around his body to preserve warmth. Both of their backpacks were also there. After Jaebum had burst out of classroom without saying anything to his teacher, he had found Youngjae's backpack thrown in the hallway. Carrying both of them, he’d run straight to the pool. That was his story up to the point where he found Youngjae being pulled dangerously close to the diving pool, and where his anger rose up to impossible levels. At least he was okay now. "Hyung..." Youngjae called out softly, coughing a few times. "You were the one who saved me, weren't you...?" Jaebum nodded. He brought Youngjae closer, leaning against one of the warehouses for sports equipment. "Yeah." Something made Jaebum's eyes blink, glistening ever so brightly. It was Youngjae's smiling face, staring up at the elder. "Thank you. Thank you so much." Shocked frozen for a second, Jaebum eventually returned a smile for the other in his arms. "No problem, Youngjae." He leaned down to nuzzle his face into the other's neck, breathing softly. "I'm sorry for yelling at you and slapping you. I really am," Youngjae said out of nowhere, sighing as he exclaimed so. He shifted his body so that he'd be even closer to Jaebum, feeling the comforting warmth of him. "I was just so... confused. I was scared at myself for being so mad that I guess I...tried to avoid you for a bit." "Mhm," Jaebum murmured, sighing into the soft and slightly wet skin. "I understand. I knew I should've told you earlier, but I was too dense to realize what it was doing to you." "It's okay." Youngjae was staring blankly at the scenery in front of them: cement, tall wire fences, and a few trees. "It really is alright. I've come to realize that I love the person called Def Soul' and that you are Def Soul. and how, by that logic, I love you." Youngjae peered up in order to look at Jaebum. "Jaebummie-hyung. It's always been you, hasn't it?" Although Jaebum was speechless for a second or two, he started to laugh softly. He loved this kid called Choi Youngjae. "I guess so." Jaebum reached over for his backpack and unzipped it, taking out something. "What's that?" Jaebum grinned to himself as he took out the small bag of homemade cookies. He opened it, taking one of the treats out and holding it between two fingers. "Have you eaten breakfast? Did you bring a lunch? If not..." Jaebum said in a singsong tone, pouting his lips in a rather cute way. "...Think about me, and then... eat." He stuffed the cookie into Youngjae's mouth. Chewing on it, the other giggled softly. "Thanks," he said as crumbs fell from his lips. "Hey," he whistled quietly. "Did you know that I used to be called fat constantly by these girls?" Jaebum's happy expression immediately dropped to a frown. "What? Who?" "I don't know." For some reason, the smile on Youngjae's face never faded away. "They just did for fun, I guess. They would come up to me during lunch especially and just whisper 'hey fatso.' So I thought about it a lot and decided that maybe I am fat. I didn't like how they would pick on me so I looked up how to lose weight. My naïve self ended up believing that skipping lunch and breakfast would be the best way to lose weight." Youngjae's chest rose high up and back down, which was something Jaebum's arms felt. "I was pretty unhappy and hungry, but I still kept doing it. My friends nagged me to eat. I wouldn't listen to them, though. So this is the strange part, right? Every piece of food you gave me, I would eat it happily and completely forget about starving myself. I totally forgot about trying to lose weight and whatnot. Which is weird, isn't it? Because I had no idea who you were, but you were still able to persuade me." "You literally cured this bad side of me, I think. You really are an amazing person, hyung," Youngjae finished with a big, wide smile and pat Jaebum, who was on the verge of tears, on the arm. "God... Youngjae...I'm so in love with you," he muttered to himself, shaking his head. "Are you still cold?" "Nope," Youngjae replied cheerfully, taking the piece of clothing from his torso and handing it back to the other. He went over to where his backpack was and hung it over his shoulder, throwing the other bag to Jaebum. "Do you want to go back to class?" "Not one bit," Jaebum laughed as he said so, also standing on his feet and carrying his backpack. He stood beside Youngjae, crossing his arms. "You should get a new change of clothes or you'll catch a cold." "Hm... yeah..." Peering down at his wet shirt and fanning it, he pursed his lips. "I don't have spare clothes, though." "You do at home." Youngjae grinned. He took ahold of Jaebum's hand, weaving their fingers together. "Come with me." "To ditch school?" "Yeah." The two started taking the back route of the school, planning to leave through the back gates. The gates were locked, they found, but Jaebum was able to help Youngjae jump over them. In Youngjae's free hand was the bag of cookies he received. He had all intentions to finish them once he was back at warm home. Before they took any more steps, Youngjae gave a gentle kiss to Jaebum's lips. He was unbelievably happy; it was like the times he yelled at him and cried because of him had never even happened. After all, those things only happened because of Youngjae's confused, naïve heart. Without the worry of being fat or not clouding his vision, he could clearly see that Jaebum was someone he loved. The only person who even when he was down; someone who would take care of him like he was born to do so. It was always the person he knew as Im Jaebum. Def Soul' was just Jaebum with a pair of sunglasses as a mask. That anonymous food donator and note writer was Jaebum too. He had all sorts of identities that Youngjae misunderstood, but he knew now that they all made up to be the same genuinely kind, benevolent person. "Let's go."

[disparais]

without them, there wouldn't be any of this

started this post whilst in the car, with my mother’s careless words ringing in my ears, but i later found the time to expound upon some other things. started off rambly, but i realized there was still a certain flow to my thoughts, so i threw in headers wherever appropriate during editing.

also. i was so upset when i first posted this pre-edit/organization (i left the post hanging while i was having lunch with my parents and then the worst stomachache of 2017 after - no idea what the pathophysiology was behind that one) that i forgot to format the post under a cut help

why i hate staying at home: (aka the catalyst for this post)

words have consequences hadghxnsb how can you say things like “i always cringe when people tell me i must be proud that my daughter’s in medical school because i think you’re going to flunk out” fuuuuck why am i even still surprised

scheduling and plans:

also a little unhappy with people who flake on plans. casual plans may be casual but i still take them as binding as long as a date has been set. and i don't appreciate clearing my schedule, especially where j is involved, only to be told that they've been cancelled. especially when it's because the people involved have knowingly made plans with other people. (double-booking is different, i guess, since it's unintentional. plus i’m guilty sometimes since my social calendar is nuts sometimes, so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad about that.)

[update: moments after mentioning double-booking, i realized i was supposed to do zumba with a for fc sigh this is why i said double-booking is unintentional.]

this cancellation just stings so much because it plays into my deepest insecurity, i guess, that i'm overinvested in the friendship and i just. care too much. i mean, why else would our plans matter so much to me and not to them?

and why does reciprocity matter so much to me, anyway? g said it best when she said that God’s love for us is unconditional and we should be striving to love others freely. logically i don’t think i impose any expectations on others in terms of gestures. it’s a scorpio thing to love deeply and jealously, and i need to learn to not be affected by others’ apathy/ignorance.

overly-full social calendar:

i don’t get how i can feel like i don’t have that many friends, even though my social calendar is frequently packed. i guess i really hardly see my close old friends like f, ly, l, h, m, a etc. these days. not forgetting assorted people like the lower-maintenance guys like j and j, and other people like d and k (who slept over recently! it was cool). also truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in (see section below).

was actually really pleasantly surprised when d realized i was in school last term (when i was on the way to meeting j) and wanted to meet me spontaneously, even if just for 15 mins (she dropped whatever she was doing and ran over). she said, amongst other things, that meeting me was grounding and calming. a clear 受宠若惊 moment for me, which gave me hope - maybe i do have something apart from sensible advice to offer people (gotta learn to curb my instinct to dispense it when unsolicited, though).

limited social energy:

(i only get to my point in the 4th paragraph tbh) increasingly annoyed with qx sometimes because i genuinely don’t care that much when he cancels on me (beginning to think sometimes that he’s not as important to me as everyone, myself included, thinks he is) bad thoughts stop here but i do care that he tries to foist me onto the next available person. i get that he flakes on people for family because he’s separated from them by a goddamn ocean and he clings onto them. i don’t get how he thinks forcing me to interact one-on-one with someone i’m not really close to is supposed to help my social reserves.

and that’s not even it - the day before, i asked if he wanted to do lunch after anat tutorial, and when he suggested la nonna and i agreed, he began scanning the place to determine who to ask along. what happened to the guy who ditched house lunches because he couldn’t be bothered to wait for them to eat and because he hated sitting on the floor? i’m beginning to think true as those excuses were, they were just flimsy cover-ups for his initial loneliness whilst he was trying to fit in.

honestly happy with the way i am right now in uni - no longer fomo with regards to most things (apart from suitefam HAHA), and far more fiercely independent than before. just a little disappointed in qx in terms of how susceptible to peer pressure in terms of wanting to fit in and all he turned out to be, though i guess it’s sort of understandable since these are truly all the people he has. i probably take my social network for granted sometimes.

after all of this rambling, i mostly wanted to say that i am bone-tired dealing with people from medicine. i hardly find deep/stimulating discussion with these people (my immediate peers) and instead i have to put up with banter and it is. so tiRING

the difficult part is dealing with people like qx who inadvertently worsen the situation by open-jioing people to most things we do. it already costs me to initiate an interaction with someone regardless of whether or not we’re close, and unless you know you’re jio-ing someone else i’m close to, you should know that your “inclusiveness” comes at a relatively hefty cost to me.

and the worst part is when i explicitly expressed my exhaustion (rare, unless my walls are down - suitefam sees me at my most tired and vulnerable tbh) and he said “yeah, yeah, i understand” and i disagreed and HE INSISTED HE DID, and still wanted to invite someone. WHAT EVEN I CAN’T he should have seen me the night of my 5.30am htht with kt. i bet i looked like a complete wreck at 1+ when i showed up at her doorstep but thank goodness for people like 2/5 of suitefam around whom i am comfortable ♥

tl;dr introvert invisibility is real extroverts please don’t pretend to be introverts just because it’s cool and counterculture kthxbai.

suitefam:

truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in - definitely getting closer to g + kt every day, and this week we even got to hear from c and s.

suddenly realized that suitefam has opened up a whole host of opportunities for me to indulge my love language in terms of gifts as i’m now able to grab something simple on the way back to share with the suite/drop things in peoples’ buckets/run into my room to calligraph a quick thank-you note. didn’t use to think i was really into gift-giving as a gesture of love as compared with the other 4 love languages, but suitefam is really challenging that self-perception. always good to develop another love language, anyway.

also being reminded very keenly on how much touch is a love language for me, in the sense that if my walls come down far enough for me to be comfortable with personal touch (2/5 of suitefam - naturally, since they’re the people i’m closer to), it is a very rare and precious and lovely thing; touch, even unintentional, is so inexplicably comforting and comfortable for me.

j’s birthday:

i was not mentally prepared to have to celebrate with j on monday and now i need to whip something up asap omG I AM FREAKING OUT HERE what am i even supposed to get him?? (update: that’s right i got him pretty much the same thing i got for my ex previously. smh why am i so goddamn practical and uncreative)

going to ilight with him tomorrow though so that’s a plus - self-reminder to pick a suitable outfit and i guess tomorrow’s going to be burnt on making his card. i sometimes wonder whether we’re truly a good match for each other or not aaa the low-maintenance thing is definitely a pro in friendships but i’m beginning to wonder if it’s okay for us or not since we aren’t just friends after all.

conclusion:

i just want to study for pros and not have to deal with all this omg i swear after tmr i'm just going to buckle down and study because life and socialization is so not worth it sometimes really a little hurt and not ready to deal with the people mentioned in this post for now but it's hard because i do love them (love is not a word i use lightly) but all this is making me wonder if i’m equally loved i guess