#gastonthefuckboy2k17

[itsdisneymydudes]

I just realized we never learn Beast’s name in the movie

Alright, real talk time: I have never seen Beauty and the Beast. Now before you grab your pitchfork and torch, let me qualify that statement. I have never seen Beauty and the Beast--all the way through. I’ve listened to most of the songs and seen enough clips to understand the general plot, but I don’t believe I have seen it all together in one sitting. So that’s what I’m about to do.

And you’re gonna join me!

How, you ask? Via a livestream of my thoughts onto this blog! Wow, the future is now!!!

So without further ado, yip yip-----

K so the intro music is telling me scary shit is about to go down. But the forest setting is telling me someone is about to sing to the woodland creatures.

I know this is a Disney movie, but really? The “Once upon a time, in a far away land” trope?

So two things now: 1) why does this castle have so many stained glass windows that outline every panel of this story (lol) and 2) I keep expecting to hear Shrek’s voice suddenly butt in and “All Star” to start playing (lolololol)

Also, why does the narration assume the prince needs to earn “her” love? I think it’s high time Disney had their first LGBTQ+ protagonist amiright?

Just hit the “Beauty and the Beast” title card, and I’m already getting weird vibes on the whole bestiality here...

Wow, Belle is really roasting her town (with some pretty learned diction too)

OH MY GOD DID DISNEY JUST SHOW A GOOSE GETTING SHOT WHAT THE HECK

I get that Gaston is supposed to be the epitome of masculinity, but what are up with his yellow gloves--is he gonna scrub a sink later or something?

Kudos to Belle for being able to walk and read a book; I can barely walk and chew gum

Gaston has been on screen for a minute so far, and I already hate him. Good job, Disney

I can definitely tell Disney took a few pages from Ichabod Crane in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow for Belle’s father’s scene in the woods. Spooky.

So the anthropomorphic objects in the castle are cute and all, but I have quite a few questions to ask about their biology. Quite a few things don’t add up...but then again, this is an animated Disney movie.

OK OK OK I WAS NOT READY FOR THAT. WHY IS THE BEAST SO SCARY. I DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS GONNA BE A JUMPSCARE CLOSE-UP OF HIS FACE OH MY GOODNESS.

Dammit, Gaston--NO MEANS NO YOU FUCKBOY.

Wait, how does Felipe know that Belle’s Father ended up at the castle...? If I recall correctly, that horse booked it out of there before Belle’s Father could even move from the cliff...

GODDAMMIT BEAST WHY DO YOU KEEP POPPING OUT LIKE THAT I’M WATCHING THIS MOVIE IN THE DARK JEEZ

What purpose does the Beast have with keeping Belle’s Father prisoner, though? Like that most certainly will not break the spell...like at all...

Alright, I get that these two are supposed to fall in love, but the total tone and animation shift in the Beast is a little much, isn’t it? He just threw an old man into a spider-carriage and now is feeling sheepish and embarrassed about offering a room to Belle?

Also, I JUST realized Belle is made in the likeness (color scheme, face, voice, etc) of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

Didn’t Belle want to leave the village anyway? Soooooo, the castle is a step up then? Eh?

Lolololol “What’s in the West Wing?” Well, that’s where the President’s cabinet is (my humor is dumb; get over it)

Gaston, that’s perfectly good beer you just tossed in the fire. Like wut.

After that Gaston song about getting swoll from 4 dozen eggs, I think he should do Old Spice Deodorant commercials.

How is Belle so accepting of the fact that everything is talking to her...?

Awwwwww it’s Beast’s first date. He’s so nervous. Aaaaaaaand he’s back to being a jerk. Great.

Oh is it the “Be Our Guest” song now? Yup. Yup, it is.

I really don’t get Belle. She has just been taken prisoner, has just met a bunch of talking silverware, and is now so excited about “her first time being in an enchanted castle.” She’s just on a roller coaster of emotions, eh?

Lol Lumiere and Cogsworth trying to keep Belle on track with the tour is exactly how it feels to be an Admissions Tour Guide.

Alright, hold on to your butts everyone cuz we’re hitting some deep stuff right now. It just dawned on me how complex of a character Beast is. He’s a guy who is extremely self conscious about himself that fears social ridicule. Beast tries to reach out to Belle to have a meaningful connection with Belle. Belle doesn’t know the scars underneath his jaded exterior but tries to find them, against the Beast’s wishes. Beast really doesn’t want to open up to other people due to his social anxiety. So when Belle catches her first glimpse of the rose, Beast loses it and pushes her away as far as possible, farther than he has ever before. Yet the last shot shows him torn over whether that was the right thing to do. On the one hand, he is terrified of getting close to someone, but on the other hand, he yearns for that kind of meaningful connection. It’s a classic relationship scenario told through the guise of a fairy tale. Disney, you sly dog. Coolio, let’s get back to it.

Hm, interesting dichotomy between the Beast and the wolves.

So Beast did save Belle’s life and all, but now they’re suddenly cool with each other? Technically speaking, she’s still his prisoner...is that a hint of Stockholm Syndrome I spy...?

Lol Beast just showed Belle Perkins Library

Is this seriously a the-two-potential-lovers-build-their-relationship-towards-the-possibility-of-falling-in-love music montage? It is -_-

No no no no no. That canNOT be Beast’s singing voice. That sounds nothing like him!

Aaaaaand this song is about bestiality....

“Human Again” reminds me a lot of the “Sorcerer's Apprentice” scene from Fantasia what with the mops and all.

Alright alright alright there is no way Belle and Beast could be reading Romeo and Juliet and have smiles like that on their faces at the end. That’s just wrong.

“Beauty and the Beast” really is a timeless song. So magical.

Aw, poor Beast. Belle just up and left him like that...

Oh Belle. Why would you show the HUNTING PARTY the Beast in the mirror???

Gaston said a bunch of exaggerations that stirred fear in the general populace. He also antagonized someone who was different with said fear. He also said “wall.” Illuminati confirmed: Gaston=Trump

Aw Beast had his heart broken, and now he’s in the angst-y “nothing matters anymore” phase

Lolololol Wilhelm Scream @ 01:15:50

What the heck! One of the angry mobsters had tea dumped on him while another had a giant wardrobe dropped on him! That hardly seems like an equal attack to me...

Holy fucking shit. You have got to be kidding me. Why the FUCK would Disney show one of the goons pulling the feathers off a duster?! Is that supposed to be some sick twisted form of rape?! What the fucking hell, Disney!!!

Are you telling me Gaston really can’t tell the difference between a stone gargoyle and Beast? Damn, he really does need to read more books

Heh. Guess you could say after losing Belle’s affection, Gaston had a really bad FALL from grace.

Ok I understand they’re in love and everything, but does Belle really think that just cuz she’s there with Beast now that the GAPING KNIFE WOUND IN HIS KIDNEY will suddenly magically heal? Oh wait, it does? Wut.

Ok ok ok. I know this is really nerdy, BUT when Beast transforms back into a human, it’s like he’s traveling through time along the evolutionary tree. The transition of his legs specifically show how goat/horse legs relate to ours in the ratio of foot-to-leg length

Hot damn check out Beast’s new weave. Those are some F-L-O-W-I-N-G locks, mate.

Well that’s a very Broadway-esque musical-style ending. I like it.

Good movie. Would recommend. Certified fresh. #Gastonthefuckboy2k17