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grimmwolf · 10 months

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Dumping / Journaling / Ranting / Updates / Venting - Basically the whole lot XD ( May be updated )

Idk what to post anymore. I haven’t had any shifts cuz I’m an animal or whatever basically every single second of my life, or I’m depressed and I can’t express my animality how I want to, or I can’t tell the difference between any of them because I identify as all animals and whatever else, I can’t or have become tired of trying to pinpoint and label all of them. All I do is lay down most of the day because my back aches so bad that I can’t even sit normally, so I am unable to express myself physically even less nowadays. I’ve been so depressed as well that I don’t talk much anymore nowadays, I’ve lost the ability to socialize, I don’t know how to connect with anyone anymore, or I feel like I can’t because I feel so different from literally everyone and no one can truly understand me, even if I try to explain things, even if someone tells me they understand. I know they don’t. I feel so alone, like no one likes me, especially since I’m so strict with my dni rules. There’s little to no one left who I follow ( alterhumans ) because of it, which makes me feel even more alone, but at least I’m placing and keeping my boundaries, that’s gotta count for something, right? And me identifying as Gaia or Mother Nature or whatever doesn’t make my situation any better. What normal alterhuman identities as an actual god? The creator of all life? I don’t even know if anyone believes me, so it makes me keep to myself about it. I do believe it though, I feel it, isn’t that proof enough? I feel the pain of the Earth, the Universe, how can I prove that? By continuing to be depressed? I guess that’s doable. I’m sorry to all I’ve not spoken to in a while. I guess I’m isolating myself for my own comfort, and because I’ve been so depressed lately. It’s nothing personal, I swear. I want to reconnect, I just don’t know how, or if I can keep it up. I don’t like texting anymore, I want an in person connection. I’ve lost all my irl friends, I’ve been friendless for a few months now. It’s not good for me, to say the least.

And I’m too shy, bashful, introverted, antisocial, socially anxious, awkward, depressed, afraid, afraid of rejection and finding someone who’s not good for me and then have to start all over again. I don’t know how to human anymore, I even had a normal childhood. How can I be so bad at this? How can I be so different from literally everyone else? I can’t even be a normal alterhuman, I’m a freak even in this community. Everyone else has one or a few, or even a whole clade of theriotypes. I don’t even call them theriotypes. I see myself as all animals and see them as my children, which is a bit controversial, I would think, seeing as though therians see themselves as animals. Basically calling everyone my children would just be weird, or unbelievable, right? Well, I don’t consider therians to be my children, for the record, but that’s the interpretation that others would get from this identity of mine, I would think. I wanted to be one of those alterhumans who posts everyday or often enough that no one thinks I’ve left the community, but I pretty much have. I wanted to write essays, and journals, and updates about me and my identities. But I just can’t get myself to believe that anyone even believes or cares the slightest bit about any of that. Or I’m too depressed and tired to write anything anymore. I feel like I’m more of a prick or a black sheep in this community because of my beliefs and identities and morals and such. What am I even supposed to say anymore? How do I explain myself to others? I’m terrible at explaining things. Even if I tried, still no one would fully understand.

I’ll try to explain something right now, I guess. When it comes to how I see myself, I feel like I’m everything, and everyone. Yet, nothing and no one at the same time. Yet, not at the same time, yet, all at once, and neither, and both, and… I can’t even understand it myself. I feel like I am infinite, yet, finite. I am life, I am death. Light, dark. Good, bad. Pure, evil. Love, hate. At peace, angry. Calm, anxious. Beautiful, ugly. Happy, sad. Left, right. Ocean, land. Water, air. Fire, ice. Stone, snow. Nature, humanity. All animals, no animals. All humans, no humans. Man, woman. Both, neither. All life, no life. All death, no death. Eternity, not eternity. Eternal, non-eternal. All time, no time. Existence, non-existence. Existing, not existing. Real, unreal. God, not god. Goddess, not goddess. Supernatural, natural. Mystical, non-mystical. Mythical, non-mythical. Mythological, non-mythological. Divine, infernal. Celestial, cosmical. I am all opposites, and similarities, and everything in between, and everything surrounding. Yet, neither opposites, nor similarities, nor anything in between, nor everything surrounding. At the same time, yet not at the same time. It feels like all a blur in my head, a fog, a cloud. Yet, clear. It feels like wires tangled and knotted in my mind. Yet, untangled and unknotted. It feels like my mind is just a cave, and the only hole of an exit is blocked off by one singular ginormous boulder, and a man is trying to get free by going at the rock with a chainsaw, never making any progress. Yet, the cave is empty, and the way is open, boulder pushed to the side, or never existed in the first place. It is all so confusing and complicated and complex. Yet so simple, and easy, and basic. This is how I can explain what I feel every single second of my existence. I don’t l know how to live like this, with myself. I don’t know how I feel like this, or why. Sometimes I feel like I’m God and sometimes I feel like he’s me. Why do I feel like this, like it’s true? Is it true? Am I delusional? Probably both. Probably neither.

I am me, yet I am you, yet I am everyone, yet I am everything, yet I am no one, yet I am nothing. I am, and I’m not. The only other way I can explain this is with these three dots lol.

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