#gah i don't want to be mean i just feel like sometimes people act like being around only ND people is amazing and healing

[wee-english-fella]

all fun and games having an autistic mum and an ADHD dad until your mum can't fathom why you're disorganised and can't just Get On With Things and your dad thinks you're fussy, peculiar, way too sincere and a humourless fun sponge 😞

[arxxq]

"I need you to calm down..just breathe trust me,"

Isagi and Sae with a s/o that talks alot and talks fast whenever they get nervous/ anxious / a panic attack

This is honestly just something i want to do since sometimes i do this whenever i panic or get anxious.

No gender specified, lowercase intended?, mistakes will be corrected soon

It's been a while since I've wrote smth, gah I've been quite busy this year god..

Isagi Yoichi...

Isagi isn't the type to be observant but he took noticed an odd detail from you

he realized every time you get nervous or anxious you would just randomly talk too much and fast

he wasn't really sure of this until one day

when you told him you were going of have some sort of family reunion with a family member

you started to randomly say things so fast

you even change the topic too fast that he couldn't even catch up or understand

isagi wanted to ask you about it but he couldn’t 

he couldn’t find the perfect moment to

he didn’t mind cause it seems like its a way of you trying to cope

but he is very worried 

especially since not alot of people notice this detail of you

since it looked absolutely normal

so now you and isagi were at a family dinner

since well your parent's wanted to meet your boyfriend

the silence was so awkward and you absolutely didn't like it

so you start rambling so quick

isagi also saw how your parent's new this detail of you

"uhm Mrs. and a Mr. l/n, you wouldn't mind if i talk to y/n alone for a while right?" Isagi ask which you looked at him confused. "huh why? i mean i don't mind but why?"

"oh now we don't mind, just don't take too long alright," your mother replied. isagi stood up from his chair in pulled you to somewhere quiet. "what was that for, i mean why do you need to talk to me alone, there's nothing wrong right?"

"dear--"

"is it my parents, are you uncomfortable? i can tell them if you want-" isagi hand were now on your shoulder and you flinvhed. before you could say anything, isagi had cut you off. "dear..i need you to breathe,"

you looked at him confused. you took a deep breathe and let it out just like he said. "great..now just do that for a few more times and when you’re ready then you can speak kay,” 

a few minutes have passed and you looked at him with a smile. “are you feeling much better now?” you let out a breathe and nod. Isagi gave you a peck on the forehead. “if you ever get nervous just make sure you get a few seconds to breathe alright,” 

Itoshi Sae

sae is very observant of you

he knew you more than anyone else did

but there was one thing he always got confused

why you would talk alot and fast from time to time

most of the time he would just end up listening

basically a one sided conversation since he couldn’t catch up with you

but as time goes on sae realized this was a way you try and act as if nothing is wrong

he absolutely does not like it

he doesn’t like it on how you act as if you’re fine when it’s clearly the opposite

you had a competition coming up and sae could tell that you were panicking

especially since you think you’re not good at it

“mi amor?” you flinched when you felt a hand on your shoulders. “oh sae..its just you,” you say smiling. “you looked bothere--” he was cut off immedietaly but it’s not like he wasn’t expecting it. you were anxious and he could tell. 

“me bothered? pftt no m not, i’m fine, i’m totally fine. yeah i can do this, it’ll be so so easy trust me....” you continued to blabber out nonsense. sae knew if he didn’t step in anytime soon, it’ll just make it worse. as you were talking you didn’t expect sae to pull you in an embrace and just stroke your hair. before you managed to speak he had beat you to it. 

“breathe mi amor...i need you to do that right now especially since i don’t like to see you have a breakdown out there,” your head was on sae’s chest, he was breathing slowly so you took this as a hint that sae wanted you to calm down. 

after a few minutes you had calmed down. “look, all i want you to know is that you’ll be great out there i just know it,” 

“so even if you don’t win, you did your best okay and make sure before you start take a deep breathe and let it out once you’re ready,” 

reblogs are highly appreciated 

do not plagiarize my works, nor post on any other platforms w/o my permit

thank you for reading

[snickerdoodlles]

emberfaye replied to your post "choose violence ask game except its just me complaining about fic tropes..."

☕☕☕☕

am going to do my absolute BEST not to ramble too much here, but okay so!! 4 Chay things that will have me back-flipping out of a fic at the speed of light:

babyfication of Chay

i just. ugh. ugh. he is not a baby. he's a 17-18yo guy who half-raised himself due to some shit circumstances and took care of himself entirely by himself for minimum several months. the only difference between him and an adult is that he's not making his own income. Porsche and Arthee doing their best to give Chay as much of a childhood as they can afford him still doesn't change the fact that Chay grew up young and fast just like the rest of this cast. if he acts uwu innocent baby i'm gone. if the author calls him an uwu baby in their notes i'm gone. ugh.

being weird about Chay's or Barcode's age, specifically in regards to sex

as above, i'm pretty shirty about people babying him in general, but fandom is plain weird about Chay having sex. esp him and Kim having sex. 1. their age gap is not that big, and their circumstances have left them on pretty equal footing re the growing up too fast thing. 2. please assess why you think 18 fixes whatever your concerns are with 17yos having sex. 3. teens have sex. dunno what tf was happening with the rest of you but i knew kids even young as junior high who were already fucking. sure, i thought they were fucking idiots for it, but my concerns about people having sex young are rooted in the fact that sex is an inherently very vulnerable act and that's a lot to put yourself thru emotionally during the age range when everything's a wild emotional cocktail. but like. teens still do it. teens are gonna experiment with adult things and sometimes that means experimenting with sex. i personally might not think it's a good idea, but something not being a good idea doesn't inherently make it a bad one either. please stop being weird about it thanks.

calling Chay "bambi"

i just really don't like it. part of it's related to the babyfication thing, but mostly it's just one of those silly things my brain went nOPE on and oh well. back click. 😂

mischaracterizing Chay's anger

so like. this one is tricky because a lot of it comes down to personal interpretation of canon, but also like. a lot of my mischaracterization gripes involves people writing tropes or drama anger instead of Chay's anger, so. yeah. 😂 a lot of people default to writing explosive anger because it's easier to write, but in canon Chay is just. so completely not explosive. and it's not because he's bottling up anger (which!! even if he was, suddenly exploding due to pressure isn't a good thing, gah).

a lot of Chay's personality stems from Needing To Be Okay. a lot of Chay's personal motivations are trying to help Porsche with his burdens and when Porsche won't let him take on extra responsibilities, Chay does what he can to not add to Porsche's plate. and part of not being a burden is quietly dealing with his anger and resentments on his own time. (another factor playing into that is Porsche and Chay really only have each other-- Porsche deals with his anger very quietly too, and it's very characteristic of how they really don't want to hurt each other because they don't have many other people they care about, so they remove themselves from tense/bad situations best they can to reflect on their anger and return to talk about it after they've calmed down.)

Chay is fierce in his anger, but he withdraws when he's pissed and he always tries to talk it out with the intention of achieving clarity. and if i don't feel like a story's going to handle Chay's resentment/anger in a way that feels true to how it was shown in canon (there's a few litmus tests but mostly i'm going by vibes), i just click out because i already know any plot conflict won't feel fully or properly resolved to me in the end :/

[ send a ☕, get a bitchy* fic opinion ]

*personal opinion, I'm not going to be mean

[jesseevelann]

Sakura: *putting on a knee guard*

Sasuke: What are you doing, loser.

Sakura: Putting... a knee guard... on?

Sasuke: Why.

Sakura: Because I twisted my knee... and we still have to complete the mission? Why are you acting so clueless.

Sasuke: Why not just tell Kakashi-Sensei and, yknow, rest your injury.

Sakura: Why don't you go annoy Naruto or something, Sasuke. I don't want to hear it.

Sasuke: Why are you getting so snappy?!

Sakura: Because you're annoying!

Sasuke: ...

Sakura: *stands up* Can't you take a damn hint? At least when I was "annoying" you I gave you your space. Just leave me alone.

Sasuke: *watches Sakura walk away, her mood clearly down* ...

Sasuke: I didn't mean to annoy...

Naruto: *appearing beside him suddenly* She knows.

Sasuke: GAH! The hell?!

Naruto: She sees and hears more than you think. She's not an idiot, especially when it comes to people's emotions. Hell, she could see I wasn't feeling happy from across the street.

Sasuke: So? How does that have anything to do with her being snappy?

Naruto: She respects your emotions, Sasuke. She doesn't agree with the way you deal with them, but she respects it and gives you space anyway. Does she not?

Sasuke: ... she does...

Naruto: Mmhm. She does it for everyone. Everyone except herself. That is clear as day. Her snapping is just the tip of the iceberg, hiding so much more beneath the surface. You don't understand it, 'cus you've never seen who she really is. Give her a few minutes and she'll be back to... "normal".

Sasuke: ... How do you know about this...

Naruto: Because I'm just like her. I see things in people that sometimes they don't even know. I pay attention to it, and if they need it, I'll give them space to figure it out. But I don't let my own issues out like most people. It's just the type of people we are.

Sasuke: ... Sorry... Naruto...

Naruto: I'm not the one you need to apologise to, Sasuke. You've said a lot of hurtful things about Sakura. Especially when you think she isn't listening. Problem is, because you've left it so long... she's not going to forgive you like I would.

Sasuke: ...

Naruto: Besides. You need to think more on what you need to say and what you've done. Leave it a few days. Maybe you can fix what you've done. If you're lucky.

[hamliet]

Re: your latest BAB ask and reblog. I too agree she needs an editor. I was really excited to read an ongoing meatbun novel, I still like bab a lot! But I also don’t see the purpose of this arc, and I think there’s only so much the “I trust meatbun” train of thought I can hold onto. I’ve been wondering where have their IQs gone to?

It does seem like plot is moving is forward, finally! But I just think it’s kinda excessive how much XQC has suffered this latest arc? I don’t know, I’m just out here feeling so sad for him…

Hexie… i still like them, to be honest I don’t expect healthiness from two thoroughly destroyed mentally ill people, and I’m not gonna stop shipping them, but I just… I really am tired of their constant miscommunication this arc and I sure hope we get some answers soon. I know healing is not linear and that sometimes you become worse, but I didn’t expect this regression in character :((

And I know meatbun wanted to write an insane and unhinged gong and I still loved HY very much but alas at least give me some progress will ya?

I think BAB could’ve easily been in the middle in terms of length 🤷🏻‍♀️ I sure hope it’s not longer than 2Ha cause I don’t see why it would have to be that long

Yeah to all of this. I do trust her, but that doesn't mean I can't call a spade a spade, and this is not great writing. If people like it, good, but I don't personally think this arc works for the story. I'm okay with regression as I've said ad nauseum--in fact it can be a very powerful arc--but it needs to be new, not a retread, and right now it's a retread.

The miscommunication is honestly defying belief at the moment. I can't believe Xie Qingcheng is really buying that He Yu willingly worked with the Org after that note. The other thing is that we are 200+ chapters into the story, so I did believe Xie Qingcheng and He Yu were intelligent characters, but right now they seem to be forced into miscommunication for... angst reasons, but when forced, the angst just doesn't feel real. I can't bring myself to weep with them, because I don't believe they're this dense. The novel itself has shown them not to be, so like... yeah. I'm rolling my eyes.

As infuriating as He Yu is acting, his arc still makes more sense to me at the moment than Xie Qingcheng's, which is a shame. At least He Yu has a heart chip to explain why he's suddenly a shell of his former self. But there is no logic for Xie Qingcheng to suddenly be such a shell (pre this most recent assault, that is! and because the sudden lack of brain cells was going on pre-assault, I just... don't buy that it's trauma either; I don't see much change in his demeanor). Hence it feels like Xie Qingcheng is only characterized by his suffering at this point which... is not great.

Gah. I'm frustrated. If, as I suspect based on timing, JJWXC was providing her an editor and now that's gone, she needs to find a new one who will work with her.

[pumpkinpaix]

Hi, pumpkinpaix....don't know if you remember, but I've asked before of your top 5 fav mxtx characters, and you've answered them. If you don't mind me asking, can I ask you, why you like those characters? Sorry, if I ask you similar question again......

hey, no problem!! :D I like talking about my favorite fictional people haha. since 15 characters is a bit much, I’m gonna just take a sample of the top four out of the 15. :)

1. Lan Xichen

I think most everyone following me at this point knows that I am always on my lxc defense thesis bullshit, but: look. i’m defensive of him! I love him! and I think that he occupies a really tragic and important place in the narrative. I remember I said before somewhere that I think there are three characters that are portrayed to be paragons of virtue/goodness within mdzs and all three were met with tragedy: jiang yanli, xiao xingchen, and lan xichen, but that the tragedy isn’t meant to show that kindness only meets with tragedy, or that kindness is always naive, or that kindness is stupid--I think it’s meant to show that kindness is not always rewarded because life is not a fair game. however! that doesn’t mean that kindness is useless! again, just--kindness is not always rewarded, but its absence devastates. that’s something we see again and again: if only people had been kinder to jin guangyao or xue yang or whatever etc etc. perhaps things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. I think that’s a something the narrative says pretty explicitly. what could these people have been if they had been afforded a fair shot? what could these people have been if others had acted more like jiang yanli, or xiao xingchen, or lan xichen?

anyways, I also find that lan xichen is often held to incredibly bizarre standards that don’t plague jiang yanli or xiao xingchen, and it feels telling in some way about how we (speaking from an american?? perspective i think) think about and treat the concept of compassion. that being compassionate is stupid and foolish and idealistic and exasperating. that being jaded and bitter is somehow a mark of intelligence and worldliness. I care very much that lan xichen isn’t that -- that he’s an incredible cultivator, warrior, sect heir, that he’s respected by everyone! but that even in all of that, he chooses to continue acting kindly.

this isn’t well-worded, but like. you get the idea. also: he is Big Relate, what with his intense eldest daughter syndrome, conflict resolution strategies, and the way he struggles with and makes his moral decisions. in his position, I would have made pretty much all the same choices in mdzs as he did for very difficult and upsetting reasons. i just. lov him ok.

2. Xie Lian

tbh, just take a look at this post aslkdjf. my love for xie lian is adjacent to my love for lxc, with the added bonus of: xie lian is capable of immense, terrible cruelty as well. if lan xichen is about the need for kindness in the face of an imperfect world, then I think xie lian is about the sheer cost of it. what does it take to be kind when you want to be cruel? when you have every reason to be cruel? when you have the means to do great harm? ugh. 

3. Yin Yu

god, how do I start with yin yu? yin yu really exemplifies, to me, how intensely complicated your feelings towards something or someone can be. I think that his deep hatred for quan yizhen is just as real as his very deep love for him, and that the existence of both at the same time is a constant torment. for me, someone who struggles A Lot with holding complicated feelings towards people (my brain DESPERATELY wants to put things in a “good” or “bad” box and when something is complicated it tends to self-destruct), i really loved seeing that kind of... intense conflict? in a character. because there’s no part that ever says he’s ACTUALLY just resentful or he’s ACTUALLY just loving. no part of his emotional turmoil is a untrue, but so what? so i resent him, so what? why should I choose to act on that emotion rather than another? idk. it’s a choice. and yin yu makes it. ugh. god i love him.

4. Gongyi Xiao

he is Simply Best Boy. [spoilers for SV] I think what I really like about gongyi xiao is that he’s.... like, quite simple in his motivations? he's just like. a Good Guy. he’s talented! in any other situation, he would be the protagonist of his own story. he’s not bitter about losing, he’s diligent, hardworking, kind. he’s disappointed if he fucks up, but he also tries his best. idk he’s just like! he’s just sweet. I like that a lot. and i also, in a weird way, really like his death. it’s so inconsequential. why was he killed? because he was there. because it was convenient. a boy talented enough to be a protagonist in his own right, but his story ends offscreen, without drama, without fanfare, and for so little reason. that’s a different kind of tragedy. you know that bit in the adventure zone?? not all exits are equal? sometimes, it just happens. idk. it really got to me, to learn that gongyi xiao died for no reason, alone, unaware, unexpectedly, and then to never hear of him again. gah.

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

[bleachbleachbleach]

HELLO.

I just wanted to say that I love, love, love your tags on that character/tool post a lot! Some of my favorite shows/books involve characters that can't keep it together and just barely make it to the end of the story or make it there in an "inconvenient way" and tbh I find that usually the narratives that follow these characters don't really work away from them either--the narrative is just usually more questioning instead of fully formed.

Like, 'what if/how would', y'know? There's less of a clear meaning and more just 'what if they hadn't done that. what if they had done that. what if all that meant nothing. what if that struggle was all there was'.

But oh boy, when they DO work away from the narrative. *chefs kiss*

I mean, most of my favorite Bleach characters are narrative nightmares who either hinder or cut off lines of theme in the story entirely. And, in general, I think there are A LOT of characters in shonen--a genre known for very long narratives that can't possibly complete every thought but also can't just abandon all those characters introduced ESPECIALLY the fan favorites or personal favorites--work in the way you described.

Tbh i think your tags really highlight why so many ppl get drawn to these characters/why they're so fun to play with in fanfiction.

If you have more to add or more thoughts about this you want to lay down I am here, eagerly awaiting and ready to pick them up.

Also, who do you think in Bleach is the most fun characters who sort of drop kicked the story, in your opinion? Who's the one you like the most? And who's the one you dislike the most?

[For posterity the referenced post is this one.]

Aww, thank you! That’s really lovely to hear. I was anxious about even putting it in tags because I don’t think I presently have the capacity to explain it well—and even if I did might still sound bananas to many. Or at least the bit about negotiating with characters and how *they* feel about being subjects in stories. Because as much as that really is my practice saying it out loud takes me back to like… FFN in 2003 where every store was prefaced by extensive chat-form back-and-forths between the fic author and their character "musies" and that is not something I think fandom would benefit from bringing back in force, hahaha. But anyway.

Here’s the part where I disappoint because I don’t think I actually know Bleach well enough to speak to it in this context. WHICH SOUNDS DUMB EVEN AS I TYPE IT BECAUSE LOL WTF IS THE NAME OF THIS BLOG WE ARE CHARLATANS AND POSERS FOR CLAIMING AS OUR NAMESAKE NOT ONE BLEACH BUT THREE BLEACHES but truly, my experience of Bleach has a shallow depth of field. I feel like I have weirdly intimate knowledge of some severe rabbit holes but a non-existent to uneasy sense of the gestalt.

Like idek man, in my "slow re-read where I am actually paying attention" Ichigo hasn’t even met Byakuya and Renji yet. ToT

I'm gonna put this behind a cut because it spidered all over the place, but in summary:

characters and their capacity to produce narrative failure

the charm of longform serialized series and their invitations to imagine stuff

me attempting to talk about Hitsugaya and feeling a fool, as usual

I guess in general terms, I’m really interested in characters and their capacity to produce narrative failure. Not failure as in 'bad' but failure as in things that break form or are circuitous or are actively detrimental to a narrative arc. All my strongest examples of what I’m thinking of are from a different fandom and therefore not relevant to this blog, alas. By comparison I think anyone in Bleach can keep it together better than the characters that are immediately coming to mind, lol. But I think this idea dovetails often with trauma narratives, or depression narratives, because these things are often… non-narrative? Like, there’s no fourth or fifth for minor fall or major lift. Sometimes it’s the same thing over and over again, or maybe nothing. Maybe it’s the exact same self-sabotage narrative dictates could have been avoided. Maybe it’s some act that emanates forth but cannot be explained because it cannot be explained and will never be explained. That’s a version of what I’m talking about, in any case, though not the only version.

Your note about longform shounen definitely resonates with me, too. In my mind I don’t like long things and I prefer series that are more self-contained but whenever I have ever landed in a long-term fandom, with a piece of media I felt obliged to carve out chunks of my life for, and to interact with at that level of creative fannishness, it’s always been something stupid long and serialized by the seat of its pants. I know plot holes or dropped threads bother a lot of people (makes total sense, don’t get me wrong) but I find these things incredibly attractive. I see them as invitations to join in the fun. Especially when it’s so much a part of the form and genre to have this, as you said, lack of real expectation that every thread will be followed to its conclusion (or that it would be worthwhile to do so) and every thought completed.

There’s this piece by David Grann that was published in The New Yorker in 2004 that I really love that speaks to part of this idea, albeit in terms of fictional universes versus fictional characters. But Grann is talking about Sherlock Holmes (Doyle original) and the ways that Sherlockians would like, approach apparent lapses in narrative and then solve them according to the established rules of the universe. I just love that. There’s also the line, "Never had so much been written by so many for so few," which LOL if that ain’t fandom I don’t know what is!!

I feel like I’m actually talking about three distinct but related facets of these thoughts in this post, except all at once and without clear transition, uhhhhh.

Gah, I am broken and now can ONLY think of examples from my not-Bleach fandom, but to try a different tack and add yet another facet to this already funhouse-mirror post, my various attempts to write Hitsugaya often feel like they come up against a version of this. I think Hitsugaya has aggressive side character energy, and I find it difficult to make him the center of a story and have it feel right to me. He feels different to me than writing other minor characters, where they can be the center of their own stories even if their story is not the main story. Like, two of my fave characters in my other fandom have literally like… three lines in 350+ episodes and it feels easier to imagine THEM at the center of their story and I think what it comes down to is that Hitsugaya probably prefers what he not be written. And when he does become more narrative I think he’d prefer that none of it was happening in the fist place. But at the same time he always seems to be…around??? whether there is really a good reason for him to be present or not. XD So while, say, he and Bartleby "would prefer not to" (because THAT'S what this post needs, a Melville reference), Bartleby actually opts out and Hitsugaya out here volunteering.

He also often feels non-narrative to me because he feels very declarative, if that makes sense? Like, the coming-to-decisions or coming-to-realizations parts of existence happen pretty quick, or are approached perfunctorily. I feel like I find narrative in the "coming" part of that equation and instead Hitsugaya will be like, well, I’ve already done that part without you, and/or plan to do that part in the future and it will still be without you, the audience. Anyway, here’s the determination I’ve made, here’s what I’m going to do, and here begins the long and probably tedious process of my doing that thing (off 2 go train in a cave for a bit). I don’t think he actually believes the world is that simple, Tab A into Slot B, but I do think he’s already made that assessment and can see coming to terms with that as a horizon, if that makes sense. So even if he doesn’t know the answer to something, or is completely at a loss of what to do (what to say to Hinamori? how to productively address the number Aizen’s done on him) there’s still not necessarily a story there. Maybe the answer is you grind, and it is repetitive and boring. Maybe you just hold things. There’s not even the act of learning how to hold things, necessarily, just the practice of doing so.

Wow, that probably doesn’t sound good! I feel like I need to suffix this with the assurance that Hitsugaya is my absolute runaway character in the whole series and this was true 15 years ago and it is still true now (truer, even) and everything I just said are reasons why I love him.

[jusadode-blog]

Honestly. I love OKKO more than SU just because of the relationships. They're real and natural and don't have to blossom into anything. Meanwhile in SU everyone who is gay is an alien part of a species that, mind you, is only women anyways. And most of the relationships aside from Garnet fall apart or are abusive/manipulative and just hurt both sides. And so far no one has reconciled with themselves, rather going through Steven (STILLGODDAMNIT) or another gem and acting like they reconciled.

I don’t know if this is directly related to something I’ve reblogged but if so please mention it in another anon mate! I’m assuming this is just a friendly discussion as it stands.

Please note: My next few comments are pointing out things I’ve seen evidence pointing otherwise to some of your statements, but they are not meant to be considered an attack on you. You are welcome to have your own opinions on SU vs OKKO, but please note coming into someones inbox and starting a conversation like this may be taken as inflammatory due to the nature of text nuances versus verbal nuances. My response may come off angry or insulting due to the nature of text speech, however I assure you that I am merely pointing out things I have noticed that counterpoint what you are stating and not meaning to infringe on your person. You may have noticed some entirely different things, which is wonderful! It shows how complex the show can be, as well as how complex the human mind can be. Anon, I hope my responses don’t come off rude in any way to you, and I apologize in advance if it does.

Now for my counter arguments:

Not everyone who is gay in SU is gem though,

like Lars and Sadie both showed attraction to Stevonnie (a nonbinary character) as well as the cool kids, Kevin had a unhealthy “crush” on Stevonnie, as well as the pink-haired girl who gave Pearl her number was human (as far as we can tell). There is also the concept of Vadalia having some form of attraction to Amethyst (especially using her as a muse so much), as well as all the male zoo humans who crushed on Gah-Reg when they realized they could chosen someone their selves. Most of these are “casually gay”, with little focus on it and makes it feel more normalized and super nice. Some of it sticks for a bit, but not really.

Also only one of the gay characters in OK KO is a human, and that’s Elodie (Red Action is technically a cyborg). Enid is a witch were-bunny, Rad is an alien, the skeleton dude is a skeleton and his boyfriend is a *bear*. This isn’t a bad thing! We as a species love to identify with non-human characteristics and concepts to help express ourselves in more unique ways, and that’s fine! I think recently Boxman might have a crush on a humanoid dude, but I don’t know if either really count as human, but my point still stands. Elodie

None of the gems are “women” All the gems are nonbinary with female pronouns, excluding Stevonnie who is nonbinary with they/them pronouns but is also 2/3 human.  (Garnet/Ruby/Saphire may be considered nonbinary she/her lesbians)

As for all the abusive/manipulative, the only real big ones there are Lapis/Jasper(which was one of the best depictions of an toxic relationship that children could still understand), as well as Rose/EVERYONE(showing how someone you could hold so high up could hurt you, and let you down time and time again and you just have to figure out how you feel about it). Lapis/Peridot is super painfully realistic, as it shows how if you don’t handle your problems it can hurt you and everyone around you. Pearl/Garnet shows how you shouldn’t lie to get together with someone, and Amythest/Garnet shows how just because you have fun together a romance may be unhealthy.

Also like, the show is just really good at showing how everybody is capable of both good and evil? Jasper can be interpreted both as a victim (for being held in a forced fusion with Lapis) as well as a villian (for trying to force Lapis back into it), Rose is very humanized in her whimsical behavior yet also literally got a ridiculous amount of her soilders destroyed, Blue/Yellow both are shown to be pained by Roses actions, WHITE COULD BE CONSIDERED PISSED AT PINK FOR FAKING HER DEATH AND GETTING AN UNTOLD AMOUNT OF GEMS DESTROYED (yet also heavily abusive/manipulative/gaslighting). I could go on and on about the whole Jasper/Lapis relationship or the WhiteD/PinkD dynamic, as goddamn they’re so intensive and complex and I’m painfully in love with their depictions, but that’s literally a 6 page essay and for another day.

 On for reconcile, it shows how you can hurt someone and they don’t have to forgive you. Garnet’s reaction to Pearl manipulating her and ultimate decision to just allow herself to feel angry, but to also not let it stress things more due to the delicate nature of their situation. Like, they’re all essentially in one big clusterfuck of a polyamorous relationship raising Steven, and if anyone continued holding negative feelings it could jeopardize his family situation.You don’t have to have a hug-it-out scene to reconcile, most times in real life you won’t.  Sometimes, you reconcile with someone before you even forgive them, cause you know it’ll happen when it happens and it’s not worth pausing a friendship over. It’s an internalized thing, and most people expect a grandiose gesture but in reality it’s more of a deep breath and a sigh.

End note:

OKKO is super cool for how it depicts gay relationships, it’s fun, it’s sweet, and it’s cute, but SU goes farther to show the darker side to things that kids also need to be aware of. We need to see ourselves as complex individuals, but also retain happy hopes to ensure we can continue to go on.

I have been in abusive gay relationships, I have been hurt countless times by partners because I didn’t believe you could be in a toxic or abusive gay relationship, I just thought I was being stupid and all the issues in said relationships were ultimately my fault.

Showing the gay characters in unhealthy relationships that aren’t inherently over the top abuse is a great way to introduce gay kids to the possibility that their future relationships won’t always be healthy. Steven Universe teaches us that we can talk out most issues in a relationship, but sometimes we won’t always get to and must deal with the feelings on our own, as well as sometimes it’s best to just break ties with people. If I had representation like Lapis and Jasper when I was younger, I may have gotten out of my abusive relationship sooner.

All in all, enjoy either one or both if you want! Both are fantastic shows with lots of love poured into them by their creators, and it shows. I understand you may not like SU as much due to the darker nature of it, which is valid! It’s also got quite a bit more popularity than OKKO, which is a shame due to how underappreciated it is. Just be careful to not take out your anger at the show or the popularity of the show onto people on accident, and instead express yourself in methods that are positive (I.E. Drawing fanart, oc’s, headcannons etc. etc. that don’t harm anyone.)

Thanks for writing in anon! Feel free to P.M. me if you want to gush over something though, I’m always down for happy stuff!

[323398149]

Life is tougher than usual rn

I'm actually deeply disliked by each of my family members which has turned out to be really scary to live through. I exist and live among people that want me to be different than I am.

I just went to the backyard to chill out and be able to take a breath but then it got too hot so now I'm inside, in my room talking to you.

I know that your view of people is how they feel about you so change starts with me but that's a lot easier said than done. How am I supposed to love my mom more? Like in my heart, how do I grow my love for her? Idkm idk same with the rest of them. I just don't know.

What i do know is that I'm always on edge and scared/uncomfortable. I keep saying everything wrong. Everybody is always mad at me. I'm too bitter. I don't know how to be less bitter. How to be easy going and happy. I mean I do that sometimes and I have in the past but it's always been unsustainable. I can't keep it up. Probably because it's an act and not my true nature gah how to change ones nature. Is that even possible.

How to be good? Polite? Kind? Calm? Patient? Loved? Appreciated? Wanted?

[vaixation]

@yiling-patriarch-kinnie

(I hope you don't mind me continuing my replies to you in a reblog instead of the comments but the comment character limit is driving me nuts okay. Also this got absurdly long. Please don't feel obligated to read/reply to any of this my brain just saw "QYZ + YY" and ran away with all my thoughts haha fricking lolrip.)

RIGHT EXACTLY LIKE HE'S NOT JUST A BIG BABY HOLY HECK AHHHGHH. I mean for the love of everything people act like he's just a moron who didn't understand anything / has no braincells at all and that's.... so not true??? At all???? Gah!! Like in the backstory flashback we even see him picking up on the fact that other people around him seem to take issue with him for some reason, for instance. Like he's not just bumbling through life having not a dang clue of what the frick is happening, he's literally confused in the story because nobody ever bothers to explain like......... anything to him and that is absolutely not his hecking fault. Gah. Autistic people are people!! We aren't fricking animals with no agency or brains or anything gosh dang what the heck. It's genuinely so dehumanizing, I've had people act like that to me and it's SO unbelievably frustrating.

Gosh, I love Yin Yu but genuinely he is an absolute MESS. He's kind of a disaster and socially anxious internally and just generally avoids conflict so much that it causes pretty much all of their relationship issues to be honest? I do get communication is fudging hard (again I'm autistic and dang words are difficult sometimes) but he really could have taken a moment to just explain to QYZ that he was feeling hurt and overlooked. And I mean, QYZ literally ADORES YY. He had NO IDEA YY was feeling that way and when he found out he did wind up apologizing??? YY didn't accept his apology even when he did (although to be fair YY was kind of dying and was absolutely exasperated and upset and horrible-terrible-bad at handling his emotions in healthy ways that don't end in him just losing a gasket / absolutely blowing up).

QYZ 100% never meant to push YY's boundaries at all. That's on YY for not communicating them in the first place, like genuinely it's not like QYZ is someone out to try to ruin YY's life. QYZ absolutely loves his shixiong and he would've never wanted to make YY feel so horrible. That's fudging upsetting people just view him as some evil guy who just doesn't care about how anyone else feels, because that's???? Really???? Not true?? Like gosh dang did people even read this story??? It boggles my mind that literally ALL THREE OF MXTX'S STORIES talk about how "maybe don't demonize people because it isn't that black-and-white and everyone is a lot more complex than you think" and then people turn around and point to a character like QYZ and go "yeah he's just terrible" without having... like... ANY critical thinking skills about him whatsoever? At all? HELLO??? I just- excuse me but what??? How can people ABSOLUTELY miss the entire dang everything about YY and QYZ's relationship???

And I mean the idea of poor communication between two characters leading into issues is NOT NEW to her stories, either. (Literally the entire book of SVSSS is all about that, actually.) So I really don't understand how people can just... utterly and completely misread QYZ. It's one thing if they don't necessarily relate or understand where he's coming from but holy frick in that case they need to sit down and back off and not just badmouth him and assume the ABSOLUTE worst of his character??? asfhJdhougOSKJHGLOHJDH

I love both of them dearly but genuinely Yin Yu really needed to just. Actually talk things through with Quan Yizhen instead of avoiding the issues and trying to suppress his feelings every single time. I get it was because he wanted to be a """good person""" - he didn't want to cause issues, or start drama, and he's just genuinely the kind of character who would rather sweep things under the rug than face them. But to have a healthy relationship with literally anyone that CANNOT work out that way. Saying "hey, my feelings are really hurt by what you're doing-" does nOT make you a bad person. If anything it shows a lot of emotional maturity, which YY just doesn't have. Tragically.

Getting your feelings out in the open so that things can be worked through is fudging important to learn, even if you have communication issues, almost especially if you have communication issues. I'm fricking positive that if YY had literally let QYZ know his feelings about what was happening AT ALL instead of desperately pretending everything was "fine" (when it wasn't and he just kept getting more and more exasperated), that QYZ would have actually tried to listen to him and work on those behaviors because I mean he LEGIT shows concern over being upsetting to others multiple times in the story, and what does YY do?

This scene in the flashback sequence -

Quan Yizhen suddenly asked, “Shixiong, am I annoying?”

...

“…You’re…not…that bad…I guess…”

...

Yin Yu could tell he took it for truth, and smiled before finally giving him some encouragement.

“You don’t need to mind them. You didn’t do anything wrong, really. It’s good like this too.”

...

Quan Yizhen nodded. “I think so too.”

Yin Yu patted his shoulder. “Go train! That’s what’s most important. Don’t think about anything unnecessary.”

I MEAN HE LITERALLY TOLD HIM NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT / NOT WORRY ABOUT IT AND THAT NOTHING WAS WRONG. SO WHY DOES ANYONE EXPECT QYZ TO WORRY ABOUT IT AND TO KNOW ANYTHING WAS WRONG OR ANYTHING GAH. If people want to criticize QYZ as having "bad behaviors" then you absolutely must sit down and criticize YY as enabling those "bad behaviors." And to be honest another issue YY has in the story is just... peer pressure? Being an easily-influenced person by the people around him? I'm almost positive that HIS resentful feelings were exasperated by Jian Yu, too, who he needed to really just stop being friends with because that person was SO toxic (I mean even coming after him to try to kill/hurt him, which we know Hua Cheng saved him from). If it hadn't also been for Jian Yu absolutely making literally EVERY SINGLE SITUATION WORSE I don't think Yin Yu would've nearly been upset as he was??? I mean YY's absolute worst emotional breakdown (Brocade Immortal instance- and I mean YY started crying so badly) was caused by this person, not QYZ. If people want someone to demonize on YY's behalf they should just point fingers at Jian Yu because holy flying frick sticks okay.

In an ideal situation, Yin Yu would've had the courage to drop his toxic friend, to explain to Quan Yizhen when he was hurt, and then none of what transpired between them would've been a big deal, they could've worked it out while it was still something super small instead of the disaster fiasco it turned into. It's just really fricking tragic and demonstrates how important communication actually is in a relationship (and also that toxic friends are not worth keeping around, they do so much damage in the long run even if you want to "keep the peace" they are just NOT GOOD FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, PERIOD; if only YY was a little more assertive and able to set healthy fricking boundaries in general holy dang). So many of the relationships in the story actually are foils to the main one, you know?

Like Pei Ming + Xuan Ji's relationship being all about possessiveness / obsessiveness over another person, which is contrasted by HuaLian's relationship based around respect and devotion instead of possessiveness. Or like Beefleaf / ShuangXuan, where LITERALLY EVERYONE INVOLVED let their emotions get the better of them in one way or another (Shi Wudu with his selfish desire to """protect""" aka control his sibling at any cost, no matter how anyone else felt about it, including said sibling, and was willing to hurt others as long as he got HIS way; Shi Qingxuan with choosing their brother over doing what was right- literally sided with corruption over justice despite being such a defender of the latter up until this point just because this was their sibling; and He Xuan with choosing his revenge and anger and hatred over a possible future of love and new beginnings with Shi Qingxuan).

Or even the dynamic between Bai Wuxiang / White-Clothed Calamity / White No-Face and Xie Lian, how BX really fricking hardcore fails with figuring out how to actually have a meaningful relationship with someone literally at all. You can write an entire essay on how much of a disaster HE is holy hecking heck. Literally almost every other relationship is a straight-up foil of "what makes an unhealthy relationship and why they don't work out vs. what HuaLian is doing in comparison and why they DO work out as well as they do."

I just - l really don't get how people can just look at QYZ and single him out and go "yeah that one's a meanie." Like I mean come on?? If they're gonna be like that then 100% they have to point to EVERY SINGLE OTHER CHARACTER AND CALL THEM AWFUL TOO BASICALLY. There's very few fricking characters in this story who don't fudging hurt someone else, either by accident or intentional. Kind of... the... entire POINT of TGCF is that everyone is human and we all frick up in some way or make mistakes and that's just a PART of being human. You can't point to QYZ and demonize him and his intentions without pointing the blame at literally so many other characters, INCLUDING characters like Xie Lian who 100% had his own personal issues and straight up almost killed an entire city or so. I mean hello??? I just do not comprehend how people could miss the ENTIRE point of the story??? I feel like Yushi Huang is maybe the only character that doesn't get someone else hurt in the story other than herself to be really honest?? (I mean even Guzi unintentionally got Qi Rong wiped out in the end, too?? I know Guzi is a kid who didn't mean that and didn't have any agency over what Qi Rong chose to do but like in the same way, not to compare QYZ to a child, but rather that - YY had his own hecking agency as an adult and QYZ isn't responsible for YY's inability to communicate with him.)

I do really like QuanYin a lot, but one of the reasons I like the pairing is the thought of what could've happened AFTER canon- that they actually take the time to work on their communication issues, something we don't really get to see on screen because admittedly it feels like QuanYin sorta got shoved to the side with everything else going on (and to be honest I felt like a lot of characters had this happen to them, like Beefleaf / ShuangXuan or like- Lang Qianqiu who just hecking went MIA for basically the whole story after his arc was done lolrip). And I DO think their entire dynamic is just super interesting though, but as it stands in canon there's a lot of issues that just need to be. Voiced. And worked on. And I really like the idea of them healing + working through their issues (in a similar vein to SVSSS, how it has a heavy focus on the main couple "learning together" how to be better to each other). And it IS kind of important for YY to have a decent dose of resentment because it's part of what allows him to come back as a ghost after Jun Wu hecking kills him with the cursed shackle, and that resentment wouldn't be there if it wasn't for everything that happened- like I find their entire arc so fascinating and compelling and really interesting and well-written/explored in a way that's just really engaging and investing, but. I do super super super fudging wish she had just. Devoted at least one bonus chapter to their post-canon dynamics, exploring their relationship in a healthier manner? Like gah if there's one complaint I have about TGCF it's that it feels like there's a lot of loose ends and how vaguely QuanYin's arc ended (and that you get just a tiny glimpse of the fact YY is still around in the extras) sort of drives me actually nuts oh my gosh. ghhhJJDJh

fhjgslhjlGDJHDLJHlkdgj Well. Anyways somewhere along the way I think I got distracted and rambled a ton and just everything because I cannot sleep right now. I should be asleep right now. It's fricking 5 AM for me and my brain is hyperfixating on TGCF and QuanYin thoughts instead and I can't sleep because my brain won't leave me alone and your post just happened to be the post that made me go hogwild all over it so I'm sorry for this giant ramble. Again you don't need to read + reply to any of this I'm just bjkvhldjfhhhfdjfjhdhf I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT QUANYIN AND TGCF AND MXTX'S THINGS IN GENERAL AND I'M JUST GONNA GO FACEPLANT INTO A CORNER NOW AND SCREAM ABOUT QUANYIN FEELS GOODBYE,,,,,,,,,,,,,..... HAVE A GOOD DAY IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR WAUGH.

EDIT: Also worth mentioning I personally do think Yin Yu actually cares about QYZ and didn't just hate him + have resentment for him. I mean literally there are so many instances that prove he does care in the story. I just think their relationship is wildly complicated emotionally (which is part of what makes it fascinating to me) and they've got a lot of work to do to make it work out. (Similarly to how I feel about Beefleaf / ShuangXuan, which I'm wild for, too. If they have ANY chance of working out there needs to be a LOT of healing between them, especially after the awful trauma He Xuan put Shi Qingxuan through, but.) I personally like the idea of complex relationships that aren't perfect but grow with maturity and understanding over time because people actually work on themselves, like in this case Yin Yu's poor awful terrible-bad communication skills aha. Gah.......... so many Feels for TGCF's shenanigans in general. There's just a lot. A lot to unpack. Just a lot. It's all so utterly fascinating.

Okay, but people hating on Quan Yizhen for being autistic and having trouble with communication and grasping social constructs and not ever considering that Yin Yu ALSO had trouble with communication since he couldn't even tell Quan Yizhen how he was feeling or explain to him why certain things were just considered "bad" by the allistic neurotypical majority sounds a little too funny.

Like I just picture my own friend who's also my senior that I literally just hop around in the same manner Quan Yizhen does with Yin Yu and I think "oh yeah, I'm definitely evil and I'm going to fuck over my senior's life because I'm just a reallyyyy dumb/bad person and it's not that some people have different neurotypes right?"