#gablasjlfkjgkj

[dnangelic]

it's stupid to cry over something like this , isn't it ? the chocolate's going to turn out tasting wrong again . with something like confectioneries and cooking , even if you don't manage it the first , second , or even third or fourth time , as long as there's at least one success , then it proves it's not impossible , and it becomes easier to do again , right ? --- but there's something still so painfully revealing about it .

there are people out there who have done this over a hundred times --- he's not sure where the comfort's supposed to be in a thought like that . wanting to do something like this by himself was also wanting to prove that he could ... and anyways , it wasn't entirety the frustration of flubbing up the process or the simple , annoying mistakes . it was the anxiety , the anticipation swirling around with crumbs , almonds , white , strawberry , milk , dark ...

the fear of disappointment .

he knows he doesn't have to do this . he knows he's just hiding behind a holiday excuse to try something he's never done before , ignoring the dread that he might not receive anything from anyone again but pitying words of consolation , a pat on his back and maybe a snicker behind it , or worse . what would he do if his hard work to anyone ended up rejected ? what if sincere feelings weren't enough ? giri-choco , tomo-choco , honmei-choco ... for him , everything felt honmei .

he knows that this sort of thing that was supposed to come from the heart ---

his heart ?

could he really put any of his heart's true feelings into something like this ? forget being a chocolatiering prodigy , he'd settle even for attempting amateur , because the rest was always hopeless . plain , boring , clumsy , no good ... that was the sort of person he was . there wasn't anyone who would want someone , something like that , either ... but what could he do ? this tray was burnt , this tray turned out too bitter . what couldn't be eaten had to be thrown away . and what about his own feelings ? what if they were ugly ? what if they couldn't be accepted ?

' ... ugh . i'm not doing this right . '

the heart that was supposed to be put into his chocolates felt anxious and heavy . making something like this with others in mind wasn't supposed to be like this , so uncomfortable and excruciating . and with valentines so close already ... was he going to give everyone chocolates late ? ... lame . seriously lame . that would have been just like him , even if he didn't want to be --- like that . if it came down to this , there really was nothing left to do but to ask someone for help . even if it was frustrating ---

' next year , i'll definitely make them on my own ... '